The Cassandra Chronicles

Chapters

Chapter 1: Pilot Chapter
Chapter 4: Cider
Chapter 5: A Difficult Decision
Chapter 6: The Mystery
Chapter 7: Babs Seed
Chapter 8: Winter Wrap Up
Chapter 11: The Missing Crown (the movie)
Chapter 12: The Dragon Code
Chapter 13: Pony Racism
Chapter 14: Hurricane Cassandra
Chapter 16: Luna
Chapter 17: The Apple Tree
Chapter 18: The Ticket
Chapter 19: The Hero
Chapter 20: When Twilight Met Cassandra, Part 1
Chapter 22: A White Lie
Chapter 23: Parasprites
The Cat Burglar, a Film Noir special presentation.
The Cat Burglar, Part 2
The Cat Burglar, Part 3, The Thrilling Conclusion
Chapter 24: The Braggart
Chapter 25: The Façade
Chapter 26: The Cuteceañera
Chapter 27: The Slumber Party
Chapter 28: Family Appreciation Day
Chapter 29: The Gala (season finale)
Chapter 30: Pets
Chapter 31: Hearts and Hooves Day
Chapter 32: The Comic Book
Chapter 33: The Tardy Assignment
Chapter 34: The Scary Story
Chapter 35: Daring Do
Chapter 36: Manehattan
Chapter 37: The Phoenix
Chapter 38: Maud Pie
Chapter 39: The Trading Post
Chapter 40: The History Lesson
Chapter 41: Bats
Chapter 42: The Mistaken Identity
Chapter 43: The Barbershop Quartet
Chapter 44: The Private Lesson
Chapter 45: The Relay Race
Chapter 46: The Battle of the Bands (The Movie)
Chapter 47: The Babies
Chapter 48: Equality (Part 1)
Chapter 49: Equality (Part 2)
Chapter 50: Bad Luck
Chapter 51: The Rock Farm
[G3 Special] The Painting Party
Chapter 52: The Friendship Games (The Movie)
Chapter 53: Moondancer
Chapter 54: Starlight's New Friend
Chapter 55: The Nickname
Chapter 56: The Ghosts
Chapter 57: The Restaraunt
Chapter 58: The Camp (The Movie)
Chapter 59: The Reformed Characters (Part 1)
Chapter 60: The Reformed Characters (Part 2)
Chapter 61: Swap Day
Chapter 62: The Boat Ride
Chapter 63: The Music Video [Equestria Girls Specials, Part 1]
Chapter 64: The Film Studio [Equestria Girls Specials, Part 2]
Chapter 66: The Cure
Chapter 67: Griffonstone
Chapter 68: The School (Part 1)
Chapter 69: The School (Part 2)
Chapter 70: The Amusement Park (Equestria Girls Special)
Chapter 71: The Kirin
Chapter 2: The Broken Vase
Chapter 3: The Royal Wedding
Chapter 9: The Author
Chapter 10: The Secret
Chapter 15: Assertiveness
Chapter 21: When Twilight Met Cassandra, Part 2
Cassandra makes the Breezies episode better
Chapter 65: The Premiere [Equestria Girls Specials, Part 3]

Chapter 1: Pilot Chapter

"I can't believe you saved all of Equestria" said Twilight
"Well that's just one of the perks of being a princess, I stepped down from the throne because I was too powerful, but I still have all my powers" said Cassandra, "For I am the seventh element of Harmony, Trust."
"I understand," said Twilight, "I should have trusted that you could save Equestria, thank you for teaching me this lesson. You should hang out with us and go on our adventures."

Author's Note

For those of you who think Cassandra's a Mary Sue, you couldn't be further from the truth, she has conflicts like any other character. For instance there's a storyline where Rainbow Dash and Rarity both confess their feelings for her, and she can't decide which one to choose.

Chapter 4: Cider

"Ah will agree to yer Cider Competition" said Applejack to the Flim Flam Brothers, "Because Ah have noooooooooo business sense and ah'm too distracted thinkin' about rollin' around in the hay with Braeburn."

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" said Cassandra. "Applejack, you silly pony, you really are clueless." Twilight was going to object to Cassandra's choice of words, but decided not to - she was right after all.

"It doesn't take a genius to understand supply and demand," Cassandra explained, "Exhibit A, the supply, 18 gallons of homemade cider, 144 pints. Exhibit B, the demand, looks like 208 customers." It was actually 209.*

"Your supply is falling short, it's no wonder you're having trouble making ends meet. You need to either increase the price or increase the supply."

"But won't the Flim Flam brothers just sell their cider for less?"

"That's a good question Applejack" said Cassandra. It wasn't, but she didn't want to hurt AJ's feelings. "True, they could make good on their threat to compete, but what do they stand to gain? Spite maybe, but they'll definitely be selling at a loss. They've got machine maintenance to deal with, plus there must be tons of towns where they don't have any cider competition. Besides, there's the import cost of apples that they have to contend with, where are they even going to get the apples from?"

"Ah already let 'em harvest the entire west orchard fer their demonstration"

"Oh for ****'s sake Applejack!!!" said Cassandra. In the background Rainbow Dash blushed, She liked it when Cassandra got rough.

"Alright, here's what we're going to do. Granny Smith, keep making apple cider. Big Mac," she motioned to the Flim Flam brothers, "escort these gentlemen out. And Appleboom, your cutie mark is building things, go make some cider-making machines."

"Wow Cassandra, yer much more help than Applejack" said Applebloom. She rushed off cheerfully.

"Ah'm glad ah didn't get suckered into their silly challenge" said Applejack. From the crowd, John Goodman Pony spoke up,

"Applejack, you threw the gauntlet, you can't just un-throw it. This is not Vietnam, there are rules here."

"But-"

"AM I THE ONLY ONE AROUND HERE WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE RULES!!!!" said John Goodman Pony.
Applejack realized that she didn't want to enter a world of pain, so she went ahead with the cider competition. And just like the legendary John Henry, Applejack took on the machine with her bare hooves, and she won, and it was glorious, and everypony got their cider. But also like John Henry, Applejack died.

The end.

Author's Note

* See? Cassandra's not a Mary Sue.

John Goodman Pony isn't something I made up, he was seen in the bowling alley in "The Cutie Pox"

Chapter 5: A Difficult Decision

The Mane 7 were staging an attack on King Sombra's castle. They planted the bomb that Cassandra had made, but there was a problem. "The detonator I made was faulty," said Twilight, "It'll still work, but somepony needs to stay behind and hold the wires together." Cassandra sighed. She wanted to say "damn it Twilight you had one job!" but time was of the essence
"You mean-" started Rainbow Dash
"Yes" replied Cassandra, "that somepony won't be coming back. Applejack, you like honesty don't you?"
"Yeah, but..."
"Then here's some for you, your element is the least important, you're staying."
"But Ah'm with child!" Applejack said
Rarity's jaw hit the floor, she got real emotional about girly stuff like that. "Who's the father" she asked, barely able to contain herself."
"Braeburn" replied Applejack.
"You're staying" said the other six in unison. They galloped off into the sunset and did that badass thing you see in the movies where they nonchalantly walk away from an explosion.

Chapter 6: The Mystery

People have been complaining about how Cassandra is always the hero. To prove them wrong, here's the completely original story of the time they went on a train and Pinkie Pie solved a mystery

"...and that's how I figured out that Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy ate the cake," said Cassandra.
"What are you going to do to us?" asked Fluttershy. Cassandra had made a citizen's arrest, the three of them were tied up and handcuffed. Rainbow Dash shifted uncomfortably. She didn't want the others to know that she enjoyed this kind of thing.
"I think I can make this all go away if you agree to some practice kissing." They agreed that it was a fair deal. Pinkie Pie looked dejected though.
"What's wrong Pinkie?" said Cassandra, "are you jealous that you don't get any kissing sessions?"
"Well yes," lamented Pinkie Pie, "but also I wanted to solve a mystery."

At that moment, the train drove through a tunnel and all the lights went out.
When they came back on, Applejack lay sprawled on the floor, dead.

"All right! Another mystery!" cheered Pinkie Pie, as she gleefully donned her detective hat, "I'll solve this one for sure!" She paced the room and then climbed over the ponies and stuff. Finally she said

"Eureka! ...is a really funny word, also I know who killed Applejack."

"Excellent" said Cassandra, "Are you ready to make an arrest?"

"Nope!" said Pinkie Pie

"Wait, but I thought you said you knew who killed her," said Rarity. Her brain wasn't much bigger than the late Applejack's, so it's understandable that she was having some trouble keeping up.

"I did" said Pinkie Pie, "because the killer, is Applejack"
Collective gasp

"She's such a clumsy pony that she tripped in the darkness and broke her neck."

"What a silly pony" said Twilight. They all laughed. The credits song was a bass-rock cover of "Who's a Silly Pony" from G1.

Author's Note

This is the bass-rock cover of "Who's a Silly Pony" that I was talking about. Regardless of how you feel about my story, it is worth a listen. It's a clever way of making a childish song accessible to a broader audience. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF6Te2DDsyw

Chapter 7: Babs Seed

"I'm glad you told me about Babs Seed before things got out of hand" said Cassandra
"We had to go to the adult that we trusted most" said Applebloom.
"Don't worry" said Cassandra, "I know what do..."

Next morning the Cutie Mark Crusaders went about their business, their confidence renewed after their chat with Cassandra.

"That's a nice float you got dere" said Babs Seed, "Be a shame if something happened to it."

"Indeed it would" said Sweetie Belle, "Because we'd have to tell on you again."

"You told on me?" Babs sneered, "I knew it, you are just a bunch of crybabies"

"We didn't just tell on you" said Scootaloo, "We told Cassandra."

In an instant Babs' face lost all color. "C-come on guys, that's not something joke about. You know she has zero tolerance for bullying."

She staggered backwards, then tripped. As she picked herself up, she coughed and spat out a big black bug. Then another crawled out of her mouth, and another. Soon, a cascade of bugs were tumbling out of her mouth, like a blackened angry river. They crawled onto Babs' flesh and began to feast. The soon to be ex-bully cried out as her hair, her skin, and then her muscle were ripped from her body piece by inexorable piece. Not a drop of blood hit the floor; the voracious insects lapped everything up too fast. As they continued to feast they grew bigger and fatter, until not a drop of liquid nor an ounce of protein remained on the body. The oversized bugs burst like a fireworks display, and ignited Babs Seed's dried out skeleton. In an instant, nothing was left was but a pile of ash. An ominous wind picked up, and scattered the ashes to the four corners of Equestria.

The three cutie mark crusaders cheered. They were happy to have learned that telling an adult is the right solution. Tiara and Silver Spoons never bothered them again.

Author's Note

Wow, this one got dark. What say we not go there again?

Chapter 8: Winter Wrap Up

It was Winter Wrap Up time in Ponyville, and none were more busy than the Mane 7.

"Ok so everypony has their jobs right?" said the Mayor, "Rainbow Dash will lead the weather team, Applejack the plant team, and er... that unicorn pony as the Animal Team"

"It's Amethyst Star" said the unicorn pony

“Wait, explain the logic behind a pony with that name being in charge of the animals?” asked the mayor.

“Fluttershy didn’t want to do it so we went with the second best choice; picking a name out of a hat.”

"Well, on that encouraging note, everypony knows what to do, so let's get to it." finished the Mayor

Twilight, being a newcomer, did not know what to do. She sang "Winter Wrap Up" and then went to her friends to see if she could piggyback off of their talents and ideas.

"What do you do Cassandra?" asked Twilight Sparkle

"I have to fly to the Northern Hemisphere and manually adjust the planet's axis."

"But that's impossible for one pony to do, let alone without magic!"

"I do like a good challenge" replied Cassandra, "and nothing's impossible when you put your mind to it. Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast." She took off in a blaze of cyan light

"What a guy" said Twilight, looking on awestruck.

*****

Cassandra rocketed along the curvature of the planet. Lesser ponies would be fatigued, distracted by the beautiful landscape below. But not her. As she was flying along, she chanced upon a grey pegasus pony, whom she recognized as Ditzy Doo, fervently searching for something.

"Have you seen the southern birds?" asked Ditzy

"I'd be hard pressed to find a southern bird as ravishing as yourself" joked Cassandra, making Ditzy blush, "but you might have better luck if you went south instead. Here, I think I see the problem." She fixed Ditzy's eyes. "Anyway, I have to get back to my job, so you take care of yourself now." and she took off again, with Ditzy now flying back south.

"What a guy" said Ditzy.

The frozen tundra of the north was harsh and unforgiving, but Cassandra pressed on. Eventually she made it to the Northern Hemisphere. She took a deep breath and focused. This was a task so delicate that not even Celestia was trusted with it. One wrong move and the planet could be burned or frozen in an instant. Even harder than inventing the spell that let ponies breathe in space, was gathering the courage to do this. But Cassandra knew she had to, and with a momentous heave, she rolled the axis nice and steady until it was at just the right position, down to a trillionth of a second. Relieved and satisfied, she turned around and went home.

She got there just as the town was in a fervor over disorganization. Suddenly an idea occurred to her. She shouted,
"HEY!" Everyone went quiet in an instant. "Why don't you have Twilight be the leader? I got bored during my flight and made this tri-colored vest. Let's give it to her."

"What a guy" said the mayor.

Author's Note

Ditsy and Derpy are one in the same in this canon, just for simplicity's sake. Also, Amethyst Star is the real name of that pony, according to the wiki.

Chapter 11: The Missing Crown (the movie)

Following Twilight’s coronation, the Mane 7 went to Canterlot for a party. But that night, something was amiss. As Twilight settled in for bed, she was uncomfortably trying to fold up her wings. She made a mental note to ask Cassandra for advice in the morning. As her thoughts turned to sleep, she was suddenly awoken by a hooded figure, who stole her crown and made a break for the magic mirror! Twilight teleported in front of her and stood fast like an immovable wall, but completely unexpectedly, Sunset Shimmer could teleport too! She hopped through the mirror with the crown.

The next day they hurried to the throne room to alert the Princesses.
“My goodness, when did this happen?” Asked Celestia
“Last night” said Twilight
“And you’re just telling me about it now?” said Celestia
“Well, I had already put on my facial mask and mane curlers.” said Rarity, “It would have taken hours to get them out and put them back again, so I figured best to salvage the night’s sleep”
“And have you seen Rainbow Dash and Pinkie without their morning coffee?” added Twilight, “Hard to believe I know, but they’re even more unbearable in that state. And when we got to the Royal Kitchen, Applejack wanted to have breakfast, and well I figured as long as we were there, might as well, efficiency right? Besides if we came here first, you’d probably have us do some crown-related task that would take us all the way through the afternoon, and you know the kitchen doesn’t serve breakfast after ten, so…”
“Princess” cut in Cassandra “I said we should come here immediately.”
“It doesn’t matter whose fault it was” said Celestia, “but for the record you’re pardoned. That pony you saw was Sunset Shimmer, my third most faithful student behind Twilight and Cassandra. She was once a promising student of mine until she didn’t get what she wanted, and her heart grew to darkness. She took the crown through the mirror into the alternate universe.”
While Celestia continued with the exposition, Cassandra was examining the duplicate Element of Magic.
“Hey Tia, shut up for a second and look at this,” said Cassandra - she was allowed to talk to her like that because the princess was her long lost sister. “This fake is very very convincing. You know anypony that could make one this good?”
“You could” said Celestia, “but by Faust you’re right! This is the real crown!”
“Forsooth!” exclaimed Luna, “We wish our detective skills were as sharp as the fair Cassandra’s!”
“So this Sunset Shimmer grabbed the wrong one by mistake?” asked Rainbow Dash
“So it would seem” said Celestia. Applejack laughed, “Ha! What a silly filly!”
“Don’t talk about my student that way!” said Celestia indignantly, and she clocked Applejack in the back of the head with a hoof.
“So Princess, I suppose there’s no reason for us to pursue her through the mirror world, is there?” asked Twilight
“Indeed not my student” replied Celestia, “in fact…” She hoisted the magic mirror above her head and threw it down on the marble floor. It landed with a great mighty crash and shattered into a million pieces. “Equestria is safe once again,” she finished.
“Hooray!” they all said.
“Now Applejack” said Celestia, “for your impudence you will clean all the floors in the palace with your tongue. You can start with the broken glass in this room.”
“All the floors?” said Applejack, “but that’ll take months! Ah won’t have any time to bake my apple pies, apple strudels, apple tarts, apple crisps, apple dumplings, or apple brown betty”
“Then this story DOES have a happy ending!” said Pinkie Pie. They all laughed.

Author's Note

Also check out the Alternate Version, in which Sunset takes the right crown, forcing Cassandra and Twilight to journey to the human world
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/145223/5/the-cassandra-chronicles-some-extras/the-missing-crown-take-2

Chapter 12: The Dragon Code

Cassandra and Rarity were sipping ginseng tea. It made Rarity feel especially privileged to drink this, because it was the fanciest tea in Equestria. Only the upper crust of society could even get on the waiting list for it, and even then it was 2 months for a single bag. But Cassandra always seemed to have some in the pantry, mysterious as she was about her sources.

Applejack came over, out of breath and stressed out. “Cassandra, ah have a problem” she said, “Ah saved Spike’s life and now he wants to be mah slave and won’t leave me alone.”

“Then what’s the problem?” said Rainbow Dash, coming down the stairs from the bedroom, “You’re always complaining about being poor and not having enough farmhands.”

“True, but in mah neck of the woods, slavery was abolished almost one hundred days ago.”

“I have an idea,” said Rainbow Dash, “why don’t you pretend to get attacked by timber wolves and have him save you? We can set it up really close to their territory to make it look convincing.”

“Why Rainbow Dash that’s a great idea!’ said Applejack

“That sounds dangerous” said Cassandra

Rainbow Dash sneered, “What’s dangerous about making a lot of noise in the Everfree Forest?”

Deciding to shift gears, Cassandra pondered for a moment then came up with an idea, “I could go to Canterlot and get us a Royal Order to dissolve Spike’s obligation. Equestrian law supercedes dragon codes”

“Ah don’t know what most of those words mean, but it sounds like it’ll take a long time” said Applejack

“I can fast track it because I’m Celestia’s long-lost sister” said Cassandra, “including travel time, it should take about 24 hours and 30 seconds.”

“That sounds boring” said Rainbow Dash, “you go do your egghead stuff and in the meantime we’ll do my idea.”

*********

24 hours and 31 seconds later, Cassandra was back with the Royal Order. She has strained a wing in flight, which is why it took her longer than expected. She spotted her friends hanging around near the Everfree Forest, with sticks and twigs littered all over the place.
“What happened here?” she asked.

“We tried Rainbow Dash’s idea, and Applejack got eaten by timberwolves” said Pinkie Pie.

“Oh well, I guess we don’t need this anymore” said Cassandra, giving the now-useless parchment to Spike. He stamped it “VOID” and then used his fire breath to send it back to Canterlot.

“Now, have you all learned your lesson about trusting my advice?” Asked Cassandra

“Yes” said the other five, hanging their heads in shame. In the background, Spike caught himself swooning over Cassandra

“Steady on now, Spike” he said to himself, “you love Rarity.”

Author's Note

Did anyone spot the Snowdrop reference in one of my chapters?

Chapter 13: Pony Racism

It was a beautiful day in Ponyville, a fact that Twilight had noted moments before being pulled inside Sugarcube Corner by Pinkie Pie. A few minutes later, Cassandra arrived.

“Konichiwa, Minasan,” she said. She was fluent in Japanese and many modern & ancient languages, “I just got back from translating some old documents for the Princesses.”

“That’s really cool” said Twilight admiringly, “What did they say?”

“They spoke of a cataclysmic snowstorm that happened many millennia ago and nearly wiped out the pony species.” They ponies all gasped and she continued, “But you’re never going to believe this; the cause of it all, was pony racism. Anyway enough about me, what have you all been up to?”

“We’re scared of the zebra because she’s different than us.” said Applejack, trembling

“You’ve got to be kidding me” said Cassandra. But the ponies were already out the door, chasing after Applebloom who had escaped. Cassandra rolled her eyes and followed them.

*****

They chased her to the Everfree Forest and Zecora said “Beware, beware the poison joke.”

“It would do you good to be a little less cryptic” replied Cassandra.

“She’s put a curse on us!” exclaimed Applejack, “That’s it, ah’m gonna go shoot me a zebra”

“It’s not a curse” said Cassandra, “if you had any awareness of your surroundings, you’d see that you were stepping in Poison Joke.

“What’s that?” asked Twilight

“It’s a flower that does odd but harmless things to you when you touch it. The remedy is pretty standard and easy to make.”

“Wow” said Twilight, “I wish I was as well-read as you, Cassandra. Also I wish I was as good at magic and friendship.”

“You have many good talents” replied Cassandra, “For instance you’re really good at cleaning up an ink spill; I’ve never spilled my ink so I have less experience with that.”

“I’m glad that’s over with” said Fluttershy. As they were walking home, Applejack bumped into Cassandra because she had no spacial awareness.

“God damn it, Applejack!” she exclaimed “Now look what you’ve done, you got the Poison Joke on me!”

“Turribly sorry” said Applejack, “Ah was thinkin’ about Braeburn an’ zoned out.”

*****

The next morning, Cassandra woke up and found that she was indeed cursed! She found not one, not two, but three split ends in her tail! It was understandably hard to forgive Applejack, but she resolved to do so. Truly she had gone through character development.

Chapter 14: Hurricane Cassandra

All the pegasi in Ponyville were crammed into the library. They had just finished watching an old black and white movie about tornadoes.

“Any questions?” asked Rainbow Dash, “Yes, Thunderlane?”

“Why are we meeting in the library?” he asked, “when it is neither big enough to fit all of us, nor the only venue in Ponyville with a working projector?”

“Any not stupid questions?” Rainbow asked, “yes, Blossomforth?”

“Why isn’t Cassandra here?” asked the Twilight Sparkle lookalike.

“Because A, we would all get distracted by how hot she is” replied Rainbow Dash. There was a murmur of agreement from the crowd. “And B, we’re trying for the world record, and the records commission said they wouldn’t count it if Cassandra took part.”

*****

Later that day, the pegasi assembled at a racetrack to test their wingpower. Things appeared to be going well, but several of the pegasi were coughing in a foreshadowing sort of manner. Thunderlane, Cloudchaser, and ReallyFast scored 9 each, and then it was Fluttershy’s turn.

“I can’t help but feel like my name is setting me up for failure” she said.

Fluttershy took her turn at the wheel and embarrassed herself by only getting 2 wingpower. She resolved to go and train so that she wouldn’t be intimidated and could fly better.

“It will be difficult to do this without Cassandra” said Rainbow Dash, “but I just know we can hit 950 wingpower and break Fillydelphia’s record.”

*****

The next day, the pegasi met at the reservoir. Many pegasi were missing, because they were home sick with the Feather Flu. Despite being well, Fluttershy was still too shy to show up. Cassandra was immune to all viruses, so she wasn’t sick. Spitfire was there to watch, so Rainbow hoped they could put on a good show. The remaining pegasi tried to make the tornado, but they failed spectacularly. Finally, Rainbow Dash had no choice,

“I know that it’ll mean giving up the record, but the job needs to get done. Cassandra, we need you to make a tornado.”

Cassandra took off like a megaton mortar and circled the lake at breakneck speed, shattering the sound barrier. She continued to kick up water vapor, and before long a cyclone of water that sparkled like diamonds arose from the lake. In a perfectly formed corkscrew pattern, it rose to Cloudsdale and filled their reservoir to the brim.

Over the heavy wind, Twilight called “3,000 wingpower! It’s a shame we can’t count that!”

Soon, the wind died down and Cassandra fluttered back to the surface gracefully. Spitfire looked on, jaw agape and goggles askew,

“I need to change my pants” she said.

“What happened to your voice?” said Rainbow Dash.

Chapter 16: Luna

It was Nightmare Night in Ponyville and all the ponies were reveling in the festivities. Cassandra had cast a spell the moon to make it shine extra brightly on their holiday. Everypony was in costume except Cassandra, for whom it was futile - no disguise could conceal her radiance.

Princess Luna came down on her bat-themed chariot with two guards designed to look like minions of Tartarus,

“THINE PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT ARRIVETH!” she said, “WE WOULDST LIKE TO TAKE PART IN THE FESTIVITIES.”

Cassandra facehoofed. She cast a spell that made Luna talk at a normal volume

“That’s better, thank you Cassandra or can we call you sister?” said Luna

“I’d prefer you didn’t, I don’t want ponies to get jealous of me for being the princess’s long lost sister.” said Cassandra.

“Very well.” said Luna

“Mighty Princess of the crown, it’s an honor to have you grace our town.” said Zecora

“”Um.. ok?” said Luna, “And who pray tell is that cow pirate over there?”

“Oi! I is called Pip, an’ I isn’t a chairman mao!” replied the Cockney pony, “bu’ I guess it’s ‘ard to find a pair o’ posh n’ becks on the moon, so I forgive you.”

“Pip is a pinto pony” explained Cassandra, “he’s a child, and he’s easily amused, so just don’t say anything else stupid and the two of you will get along swimmingly.”

“Noted” said Luna

“Well, I have to go to the Earth’s core to recharge the Elements of Harmony. Don’t play Face Spiders while I’m gone.”

“But… ‘tis our favorite game” protested Luna

“Ugh, Luna, you really are too much sometimes” said Cassandra, exasperatedly, “Chess is a game, tennis is a game, turning spider dolls into real-live black widows is NOT a game, you imbecile.” She took off with a sonicboom that made Rainbow Dash’s signature Rainboom look like a christmas popper.

“So…” said Luna, trying not to disappoint her long lost sister, “thou likest pirates?”

“Aye” said Pip, “I’m gonna get me own flying kip an’ sail round the world”

“Umm” said Luna, fishing for something to talk about, “Piracy was outlawed in the year 1428 of our lord, and by mine own orders, five and twenty pirates didst lose their heads. Whilst we were on the moon, our sister didst decree that the guillotine was cruel and unusual. Instead, she didst harness the thunder of the skies and haveth the condemned seated in a wooden chair with a peculiar headpiece and leather restraints.”

“Ya got any ***s?” said Pip.

“Steady thy tongue!” barked Princess Luna, taken aback “that vulgar word doth be offensive to Cassandra, who is bisexual.”

“Cor blimey, I was just askin’ if you ‘ad any t‘bacco sticks. Me paren’s wont let me ‘ave ‘em on account of dey say it isn’ good for a boots’n’kicks year old.”

“I see” said Luna, “in that case indeed, help thyself.”

“Wot’s bisexual?” asked Pip.

*****

Cassandra arrived at her destination, then flew up 300 feet in the air. She took a deep breath and shot into the ocean like a dart. She was aiming for the deepest point in all of Equestria, the Mareiana Trench. She dove down, and hit the water, smashing through the surface like glass. As she neared the bottom, she activated her pressure spell. That would protect her from imploding, but for air she was on her own. She’d been practicing holding her breath and could do it for 15 minutes.

As she reached max speed, she hit the bottom with a mighty crash. The ground fractured, and it grew to a fissure. It was a tight fit to get through, but Cassandra had been watching her figure to ensure that she could - Pinkie Pie wouldn’t have been able to make it. She was in an underground cavern, and going deeper. She passed gold and gems along the way, but remained steadfast. Such distractions would waylay a pony like Applejack who was always complaining about being poor. Although maybe she could make it through with a pair of blinders, thought Cassandra.

Finally she came to the lava flow at the very center of the earth. The Elements had to be fully submerged and she couldn’t drop them, so there was no way around it, her hoof had to go into the lava too. She had a spell to damper the pain, but it still felt like her hoof was in a pot of boiling water. Rarity would have given up and gone home; messing up her fur was the end of the world as far as she was concerned. Cassandra winced at the pain, but held her hooves steady until the Elements started to glow. It was done, Equestria was safe once again.

*****

Cassandra returned to find the town in turmoil. Ponies were running in terror, spiders were crawling all over everypony, and if she didn’t know better, she would have guessed that Luna had turned back into Nightmare Moon

“Does somepony want to tell me what the hell is going on here?” she shouted

Zecora shouted back, “The princess had gone mad, nopony knows why! Do something quickly before we all die!”

“Anypony else want to try that?” asked Cassandra

“We kept reminding her of her darkest and most painful memories, and out of nowhere she just snapped!” replied Pinkie Pie

“Are there any black widow spiders?” asked Cassandra

“Why yes” said Twilight, “in fact Applejack got bitten and she died.”

“Well good thing I got here before anything serious happened,” replied Cassandra, “don’t worry, I can fix this.”

“LUNA!” she called out

“YOUR PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT IS HAVING FUN! THIS TRULY IS A NIGHTMARE NIGHT!”

“Luna, have some candy. According to folklore, that appeases you.”

“VERY WELL, WE SHALT ACCEPT YOUR CANDY BUT NOT BE APPEASED!”

“Oh is that how it’s going to be?” snarled Cassandra. She lunged at Nightmare Moon. The princess tried to repel her with magic, but Cassandra easily broke through. In an instant, she had her pinned on the ground.

“Get ahold of yourself!” she shouted “GET! Ahold! of! yourself!” slapping her with each syllable. Finally Luna came to,

“Oh my” she said, “didst we become Nightmare Moon again?”

“Yes” said Cassandra.

“And didst thou striketh us? Were thou not our long lost sister, the penalty would be death”

“Then I guess everything worked out for the best - you’re all better now, and you gave us a new ghost to haunt the town. But why’d you do it?”

“They wouldst not stop calling us Nightmare Moon and running in terror. Tis very hurtful considering how much we have tried to reform. We even verbalized that the entire holiday is a mockery us, but our logical reasoning didst only aggravate them further!”

“Luna, being a celebrity means constantly getting judged and ridiculed by the common folk. It’s just a thing they do.”

“So thou art saying they do these things because they love us?” inquired Luna.

“Sure, if that helps you sleep at night” said Cassandra.

“Luna, you’re my favourite Princess besides Cassandra.” said Pip

Rainbow Dash was sneaking up behind Cassandra to startle her with a thundercloud.

“Nope” said Cassandra. She clicked her hooves together and the cloud zapped Rainbow Dash instead.

Author's Note

I hope we get another episode with Pip. He doesn't do much for me as a character, but he's become my favorite to write for. I'm American BTW, it must've been hard to tell because I captured the British speech mannerisms so well with Pip's dialogue.

Chapter 17: The Apple Tree

The Mane 7 were on a train bound for Appleoosa. Applejack had brought a tree called Bloomberg, which was resting in the caboose.

“Say Applejack” said Twilight, “How long can trees survive after they’ve been uprooted?”

“Long enough ta make it to Appleoosa” she said impatiently, “why what’s with all th’ questions?”

“I just thought you were supposed to put the tree in a pot or something.”

“Fine, ya got me” said Applejack sarcastically, “ah’m goin’ ta Appleoosa ta have a roll in th’ hay with Braeburn, and ah ripped up one of mah trees, and rented out an entire train car just ta have a cover story.”

“Alright, alright” said Twilight, “I believe you, you’re going to Appleoosa to plant a tree in Braeburn’s orchard.”

Rarity snickered, “And maybe Braeburn will plant his seed in your orchard.”

The others burst out laughing. Suddenly, they felt a large jolt, and were thrown against the side of the car. They hurried outside just in time to see Little Strongheart making off with the caboose car.

“Oh no Appejack, your tree!” cried Fluttershy.

“Whatever... ah mean, oh no, that tree is very important.” replied Applejack.

Rainbow Dash and Cassandra took off after the hijacking buffalo, but Rainbow Dash hit her head on a signpost and was down for the count. Cassandra deftly avoided it and continued hot on Little Strongheart’s trail.

“Don’t follow me” she called to her friends, “I’ve got this under control! Trust me!”

She and Little Strongheart disappeared into the distance.

*****

The rest of the ponies got into town, with Braeburn waiting at the train station.

“Welcome to Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaapleoosa!” he said, “Let me show y’all around town!”

“Ah think they can find their own way” interrupted Applejack, “ah have important things to discuss with ya. Ah brought th’ apple tree fer yer orchard.”

“Er what tree?” said Braeburn, confused. Applejack elbowed him in the ribs, “Oh, ah remember, th’ tree that ah I asked you ta bring, which is th’ reason y’all came here. We should discuss it, in mah bedroom.” The duo of Apples hurriedly excused themselves.

“What are we going to do about the buffalo?” asked Rarity.

“We should send two ambassadors to work this out peacefully,“ said Twilight Sparkle, “we don’t want to startle or anger them, so I believe that Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash are the most prudent choices.”

“Aw yeah, gonna kick me some buffalo ass!” declared Rainbow Dash

Pinkie Pie’s saddlebags exploded with streamers and confetti.

“Whoopsie daisy," said Pinkie Pie, "I think I added a liiiiiittle too much gunpowder. Oh well, that probably won’t happen again.”

“Good luck you two” said Fluttershy.

*****

It was nightfall, and at the buffalo camp, Little Strongheart and Cassandra were sitting alone on a clff overlooking the full moon. Strongheart was telling Cassandra about the conflict between the buffalo and the Appleoosians,

“Our tribe’s stampeding ground was taken over by the ponies for their apple trees. It didn’t occur to us to say anything until the trees had grown big enough to be a problem. The ponies said something about Eminem’s domain, and it’s true, the trees are very slim and shady, but that’s no excuse to take land that doesn’t belong to them!”

“Can’t you stampede somewhere else?” asked Cassandra

“It’s tradition to stampede there” objected Strongheart

“Progressive societies aren’t burdened by tradition” said Cassandra, “that ground is fertile and soft, not practical for running.”

“What do you know about progressive society?” asked the young buffalo derisively.

“I’ll have you know, I convinced the mayor to take down all the “Equines Only” signs in Ponyville”

Strongheart snuggled closer to Cassandra. “You’re so noble!” she said admiringly, “perhaps we were wrong about you ponies. Peace pipe?” she asked, extending the feathered calumet

“No thank you, smoking is bad for your health”

“Beautiful, brave, and so wise!” squee’d the young buffalo. She blushed and turned her face away. “Miss Cassandra?” she started uneasily, “I’ve never kissed anyone before. Will you help me practice kissing?”

“It would be my honor.”

*****

The morning sun rose on an increasingly-desperate Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. Having left the town with no sense of direction and no idea which way to the buffalo camp, they had inevitably gotten lost. They’d run out of water, and were practically crawling on the ground. Thier voices were crackly and raspy

“Heeey Celestia” said Pinkie Pie, ‘how’s about keeping the sun down a few more hours?”.

“Pinkie, stop eating dirt” rasped Rainbow Dash to her friend, who had begun digging her head into the desert floor.

“But it’s got water in it” objected Pinkie Pie

“we… we should have listened to Cassandra” Rainbow Dash choked out, beginning to fade. From afar, a voice called out,

“Yes. Yes you should have.”

“Cassandra!” the dehydrated duo cried out.

“Let’s get you back to town.”

“Practice….kissing?” asked Rainbow Dash

“Later” said Cassandra, “you don’t look like you can spare the saliva.”

*****

Cassandra got a hero’s welcome when she arrived in town. She had used a cloning spell to create in identical patch of land next to the Appleoosian orchard that the buffalo could stampede on. Her diplomacy had settled the conflict once and for all; she had convinced the buffalo that ponies weren’t so bad.

“By the way, where’s Applejack?” asked Cassandra.

“She got run over while trying to retrieve a bit from the train tracks” said Rarity.

“She spent her whole life being poor, and it was the pursuit of money that killed her,” Twilight waxed poetically, “how ironic.”

“That’s not ironic, you moron.” said Cassandra.

Twilight was glad to have Cassandra as a friend, she was such a compendium of knowledge.

Author's Note

If shipping a pony and a dragon is normal, then surely shipping a pony with another hoofed animal is even more normal.

Chapter 18: The Ticket

Twilight and Cassandra and Applejack were carrying bushels of fresh-picked apples to the barn. Applejack had bet Big Macintosh that she could bring in all the golden delicious apples by lunchtime. When it became clear that she was in over her head, Applejack did what she always did after making a bet she couldn't win: she cheated. Thusly, she got Cassandra to pick all the apples in three seconds.

“Applejack,” inquired Cassandra, “I may not have a cutie mark in agricultural biology like yourself, but chromatology suggests that a ‘golden delicious’ apple would be a yellow one, and not an assortment of greens and reds like those we are currently carrying.”

“Sorry, did y’all say somethin’?” asked Applejack, “Ah saw a braeburn apple an’ it reminded me of Braeburn, and then ah kinda zoned out. But if y’all were suggestin’ ah was wrong about somethin’ then mah answer is get stuffed."

All of a sudden, Spike belched out two tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala.

“Ah’ve always wanted to go to th’ Grand Galloping Gala!” declared Applejack, “Ah need to go and sell mah apple treats because ah’m so bad at makin’ money.”

“It does take a special pony to run a veritable apple empire and still be dirt poor,” said Twilight.

“Twilight, you needn’t be so callous” scolded Cassandra, “more to the point though, Applejack, I believe a vendor’s license is what you need. Besides, the purpose of the Gala is to get some time away from uncultured ponies like you.”

“Ah suppose yer right” said Applejack, “thanks fer showin me th’ error of mah ways.”

“Did you say gala ticket?” said Rainbow Dash, falling down from a tree, “I want to go to the Gala so I can meet the Wonderbolts!”

“Now hold on a darn tootin’ minute!” interrupted Applejack, “If Rainbow Dash wants that ticket, then ah want it twice as badly!” The two started hoof wrestling.

“Enough!” shouted Twilight, “I’ll figure out on my own who gets the ticket!”

****

Twilight was walking through town square, when she was tackled by Pinkie Pie, who expressed desire in the tickets. She sang her gala song and did her imagine-spot, which Cassandra could see thanks to a clairvoyance spell.

“Pinkie that’s so far off the mark it isn’t funny” she said, “seriously, just by looking up the word “gala” in the dictionary you’ll see that you’re wrong”

“I’ll ignore your advice” said Pinkie. Before long, Fluttershy and Rarity found out that Twilight had tickets, so they begged her too. Soon all of her friends were swarming her, trying to get the ticket.

“QUIET!” yelled Twilight, “I want everypony except Cassandra to leave me alone now!” She was tired of being bothered by her friends, but she never got tired of Cassandra’s company. As the two walked back to Twilight’s house, Applejack accosted them with a cartful of apple treats.

“Y’all hungry?” she asked

Normally Twilight would have tipped the cart over as a service to the palates of ponykind, but she was starving, and empty calories were better than nothing.

“Go ahead, have one” whispered Cassandra

“But she’s implying I have to give her the ticket if I do” whispered back Twilight.

“I know, trust me” Cassandra whispered back. At that moment, Twilight went through character development and decided to trust Cassandra. She began stuffing her face with pastries.

“HA!” shouted Applejack, “Ah did a favor for y’all now so now ya gotta give me the ticket!”

“Did you get that in writing?” asked Cassandra

“Er, ...no"

“Sucks to be you then, c’mon Twilight, let’s book it!”

The two ran like crazy to Twilight’s treehouse and barricaded the door.

“What am I going to do?” she asked, “I don’t have enough tickets for everypony and they all want to go.”

Suddenly, all 5 of her friends emerged from a dark corner. They explained to Twilight that they had all agreed to give up their ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala.

“Why don’t you ask for more tickets?” said Cassandra.

Twilight did just that. Within minutes the Princess had sent her reply. She gave a ticket to everypony except Applejack, and then she gave one to Spike.

Chapter 19: The Hero

WARNING: This chapter spoils the ending of a Simon Pegg movie; even mentioning it by name would be too much of a spoiler. It is more than 5 years old, however, which I believe to be an acceptable grace period. You have been warned.

“Help, help!” cried the little filly at the bottom of the well. Cassandra and Rainbow Dash were flying high above when they heard the little filly.

“She needs help, Rainbow Dash!” exclaimed Cassandra

“I’m on it!” said Dash, and she swooped downwards. Cassandra could have saved the child much faster and more efficiently, but she didn’t; Rainbow Dash needed the ego boost.

“Pry the boards, don’t smash through them!” called Cassandra. Rainbow Dash smashed through the boards and dove down into the well. Moments later she emerged victorious with the filly.

“Thank you for saving me Rainbow Dash” she said.

“No problem” said Rainbow Dash, though she wondered why she’d never noticed a well in that spot before.

*****

Later that day, a baby carriage was flying down a steep hill, careening towards the edge of a deadly cliff. Rainbow Dash couldn’t recall ever seeing this topographical feature before, nor fathom why anypony would pave a road that led right to the edge of a cliff, but the time for questions was later. She grabbed onto the baby carriage and stopped it just in time. The crowd went wild, and Rainbow Dash couldn’t help but show off. Her friends were in a less-cheery mood though

“Can’t she see how annoying that is?” griped Twilight

“Ah reckon she ain’t bein’ modest enough” replied Applejack.

Later still, the balcony above the nursing home up and collapsed out of nowhere, but luckily Rainbow Dash was there to save the day. While she was glad for the fame, she was confounded by the fact that there was such a huge concentration of accidents in a single day.

“Seriously, somepony want to tell me what the feather is going on?” she demanded.

Written by Merriweather Williams flashed across the screen

“Oh, so it’s gonna be one of those days” she groaned.

The townspeople applauded Rainbow Dash. Reporter ponies snapped pictures of her, and little fillies clamored for autographs. Spike agreed to write her autobiography for her

“I’m a ghostwriter” he proclaimed proudly.

“Ghostwriter was an awesome show” remarked Cassandra. She remembered it because she was a 90’s kid.

“Are you still tired of Rainbow Dash’s showboating?” asked Twilight

“Yer darn tootin’” said Applejack, “but if we keep talkin’ behind her back and act all passive aggressive like, that has ta solve th’ problem eventually.”

They agreed, it was a good plan.

*****

A hot air balloon burst and it was going down with the pilot inside. This time, Rainbow Dash showboated too much and missed the chance to save her. Instead, Mare Do Well jumped out and rescued the pilot. The town cheered, instantly forgetting about all the good deeds that Rainbow Dash had done.

*****

In the town square, a new skyscraper was going up. The mayor had declared that she was tired of seeing the night sky, breathing clean air, and enjoying the quiet tranquility of nature. They had a bunch of construction equipment, thanks to Cassandra, who had invented the internal combustion engine 3 weeks ago. However, problems soon arose because nopony had trusted her advice that they should create OSHA.

The building collapsed and Rainbow Dash was on the scene, but she was too busy trying to do catchphrases to concentrate on saving them. Mare Do Well came in and saved them for her. Rainbow Dash managed to save one pony, but it didn’t mean squat because Mare Do Well saved more.

*****

Rainbow Dash was seriously hankering for her fix of heroism. But ironically, the one time she wanted to find a problem, she couldn’t. Then, her eyes fixed on the hydroelectric dam. It had been built after Cassandra invented electricity 2 days ago. The dam was impenetrable and perfect in every way...almost. For just like its owner, the dam had one kryptonite: stupidity.

The dam began to crack as the rainbow pegasus neared. “I’ll just plug this leak with my HOOF!” declared Rainbow Dash. She jabbed her hoof into the concrete wall. Suddenly, another crack formed. She tried to plug it up too, but it only made the fractures worse. In an instant, the entire wall came down, trapping Dash in a torrent of water. Luckily Mare Do Well was there to save her and fix the dam.

*****

“I don’t know what to do Cassandra” whined Rainbow Dash

“Yes, please just walk in here without knocking” said Cassandra.

“Mare Do Well is taking all the credit for saving ponies. She’s a unicorn, a pegasus, a Pinkie-senser, and a fashion designer all rolled into one! And it’s like she can be four places at once!”

“Rainbow, have you ever seen a movie called Hot Fuzz?” inquired Cassandra.

“50 times, why?”

“Does that give you any clue as to what might be going on here?”

Rainbow Dash pondered for a minute, “Nope, nothing.”

“Then depart in ignorance, you must learn this on your own.”

"So what you're saying is, I should murder Mare Do Well."

"There is no way you could have inferred that from my word choices" said a bewildered Cassandra/

"Alright, you drive a hard bargain, but I'll settle for just unmasking her in public. Bye Cassandra!" and Dash was off.

*****

An event was being held to award Mare Do Well a medal. Rainbow Dash lunged at the masked Mare, but she was too quick. Dash chased Mare Do Well through a labyrinthine back alley, but Mare Do Well continue to elude her grasp. Finally, she snuck up behind Mare Do Well, and lunged at her. Surprisingly, her yelling didn’t alert Mare Do Well to her presence, and she managed to subdue the masked pony. She pulled off her mask and it was Pinkie Pie!

“Pinkie?” she cried, “You’re Mare Do Well?”

“We all are” said Twilight, as she and the rest of her friends emerged

“I made the costumes” said Rarity
“I fixed the dam” added Twilight.
“I did the fly-over afterwards” said Fluttershy
“I saved the construction workers with my Pinkie Sense” said Pinkie, as Cassandra shoved her out of the way of a falling flowerpot
“And Applejack didn't want to be left out, so I made a costume for her too.” finished Rarity

“But why?” asked Dash

Cassandra, who wasn’t involved in the Mare Do Well project because she didn’t believe in deception, spoke up,

“They wanted to teach you a lesson in humility, Rainbow Dash. Your showboating was starting to get in the way of saving ponies. You shouldn't be after fame, you should be doing it because you’re a good person.”

“I understand” said Rainbow Dash, “I’ll keep doing good deeds whether or not it brings in a crowd of cheering fans.”

Aplejack said “Welp, now that Rainbow Dash learnt her less’n I’m thinkin’ we can stop bein’ Mare D-”

“I wasn’t done yet,” interrupted Cassandra, “You five have a lesson to learn too. If you have a problem with a friend, you should talk to them instead of trying to break them down. It’s really inappropriate to make a game out of saving lives. Sure, Rainbow wasn’t perfect, but you have to respect her for trying. Please, tell me who thought that demoralization was the right approach to this problem? (that was a rhetorical question, it was obviously Applejack). Maybe she’ll quit and that’ll be one less pony looking out for the town’s safety! Is that what you want, in a town where 6 accidents happened in a single day?”

“We’re sorry” said Fluttershy

“It’ ok” said Rainbow Dash. The 7 brought it in for a group hug, but Cassandra shoved Applejack away,

“There’s still the issue that vigilantism is illegal” she said

The other ponies’ faces fell. She was right.

“The way I see it, the rest of the world thinks that Mare Do Well is only one pony, so only one of you has to take to fall. I nominate Applejack. All in favor?”

They literally could not say “aye” fast enough. Being the princess’s long lost sister made Cassandra judge, jury, and executioner.

“Applejack, I sentence you to exile from Ponyville for life. Pack your things and get out by sundown” The other 6 agreed that it was a very fair decision.

Author's Note

On a serious note, if MW is reading this, I love you and most of your episodes, I really do, and I am grateful for your many contributions to MLP.

Wow, I've already reached chapter 19, fancy that! In honor of this milestone, the next will be a very special story; the story of Twilight's first day in Ponyville.

Chapter 20: When Twilight Met Cassandra, Part 1

“But Princess” whined Twilight for the millionth time, “why do I have to leave Canterlot and go to this Ponyville?”

“Because there is some learning that can’t be done with a book,” replied the Princess

Twilight snorted, “That I’d like to see.”

“My student, you have much knowledge, but you are a lonely caterpillar. To complete your studies, you must emerge as a social butterfly.”

“That was beautiful” remarked Twilight glowingly

“I got it from Cassandra” replied Celestia

“Who’s Cassandra?”

“You’ll see” said Celestia.

*****

After a brief journey, the chariot carrying Twilight Sparkle and her assistant dragon Spike arrived in Ponyville. Twilight had a list of ponies that she was supposed to go and meet in preparation for the Summer Sun Celebration.

As Twilight walked along, reading the list, she suddenly came upon a light so bright, it was as if she was staring into the sun itself. As her eyes adjusted, it became clear that it was no ordinary light, but a mystical aura emanating from the pony standing before her. The clouds above parted, shining a sunbeam around her glorious figure. Twilight could see her clearly now, a pegasus with turquoise fur, only a thousand times more pure than the stone itself, and a windswept auburn mane that draped off of her like a veil of mystery. Twilight had read the thesaurus from cover to cover, but not even she could come up with enough adjectives to describe the pony that stood before her... beautiful, mysterious, impeccable, athletic, radiant, it was too much to take in.

“You must be Twilight Sparkle” said the pegasus in a melodic voice of liquid brass that sent shivers down Twilight’s spine.

“I.. yes” said Twilight, struggling to get her bearings back. Finally she extended her hoof for a shake. For a pegasus so trim, this one had a remarkably strong grip, Twilight observed.

“You may call me Cassandra. I am the guardian of Equestria, and long-lost sister to the crown. When I was just a filly, I learned that my destiny was to save the world in the even that the Elements failed. My past is checkered with darkness and sorrow, but my struggles hardened me. I learned magic despite being a pegasus, and became the most powerful spellcaster on the planet. But my enemies were jealous of me, so I resigned from my helm at the throne, and took to living a quiet, modest life.”

“That’s incredible!” exclaimed Twilight, “b-but if I may…” a combination of fear and admiration made Twilight apprehensive to challenge Cassandra even a little, “how does somepony with so much life experience not yet have a cutie mark?”

“Ah, but I do,” replied Cassandra, “It is starburst mounted on a shield, sat on top of crossed sabers, encircled by a laurel wreath, which is surrounded by the six glowing Elements of Harmony. But only the most enlightened ponies can see it.”

Twilight looked dejected.

“Don’t be sorrowful, Twilight Sparkle” reassured Cassandra, “it just means you have a long path of learning ahead of you.”

Twilight smiled, “Thanks Cassandra. I’ve only known you for a few minutes, but already you’ve given me so much great knowledge. But I really have to get down to business. How are your preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration coming?”

“There’s going to be a meteor shower tonight” said Cassandra.

“Ooh, how pretty” gushed Twilight

“It won’t be too pretty when the meteors collide with Ponyville”

“Oh no!”

“Not to worry, I’ve got it under control. With my magic, I can redirect it to anywhere within a thousand mile radius. I’ve chosen the only non-essential piece of land I could find, namely Applejack’s house.”

“Surely that can’t be right” said Twilight.

“I think you’ll change your tune after you meet her. She’s one of the ponies on your list.”

“Alright then” replied Twilight skeptically, and she headed off towards the meadow, where the list said she’d find a pony called Fluttershy.

*****

Fluttershy was rehearsing with her birds when Twilight approached and startled her. After failing to get the timid pegasus to speak with her, Twilight gave up and walked away

“Ugh, this is hopeless” she groaned to Spike, “why can’t they all be as outgoing as Cassandra?”

Fluttershy’s ears perked up, and quick as a lightning strike, she was all over Twilight

“Did you say Cassandra?” she asked, suddenly wide-eyed full of enthusiasm, “oh my she’s just so... cool! But I’ve been too nervous to approach her, I styled my mane to look like hers, did she say if she liked it? Did she talk about me? Oh, but what if she said something mean?” she squeaked in terror.

“Breathe Fluttershy” said Twilight, “Cassandra is a kind and gentle pony who would never talk behind your back like that.”

“That’s such a relief, thank you!” said Fluttershy.

Twilight and Spike departed.

“You know, maybe I was wrong” said Twilight to Spike, “If all the ponies are like the two I’ve met so far, this town might not be so bad after all. Who’s next on the list?”

“Let’s see...” said Spike, glancing over the parchment, “It’s the caterer, that pony called Applejack.”

*****

“I hate the fucking town!” screamed Twilight. She was back at her house, where Pinkie had surprised her with a party and a huge herd of unwelcome guests. Twilight had locked herself in her room with the one guest that was always welcome.

“I don’t know what to do, Cassandra,” she whined

“I take it you visited Applejack’s?”

“She was supposed to be in charge of the food, and she made nothing apple treats! I said to myself ‘keep an open mind, Twilight’ as she forced every single variation of the same dessert on me. But they all tasted like apples and cinnamon wrapped in pastry, and let me tell you, you can only pretend to like that for so long. Seriously, it’s like Deliverance with apples over there! How about using some other fruit once in a while? Maybe one that you don’t have to add a bunch of sugar to to make it semi-palatable!”

“Twilight, you should commend yourself for being so naturally gifted at pretending to like Applejack’s food.”

She continued ranting, “But I haven’t got to the best part yet, oh no! As I was making my way through this gauntlet of slimy apples and syrupy sweetness, I asked Applejack what she was having for dessert. And she went all goo-goo eyed, and muttered ‘Braeburn.” Twilight buried her face in her pillow and screamed.

“Well if it’s any consolation, your hot sauce cocktail must’ve burned the taste of apples right out of your mouth.”

“Hey that’s true” said Twilight, finally cracking a smile.

The two were interrupted by Spike, who told them that the celebration in town hall was beginning

They went to town hall, only to discover that Princess Celestia was missing! In her stead was the evil Nightmare Moon, who had just escaped from the moon. She declared,

“AH! After one thousand years I’m free! It’s time to conquer Earth!”

Author's Note

Comments poll: Take a look at the cover art; how many of you can see Cassandra's cutie mark? Leave your answer below. No cheating, she'll know.

Chapter 22: A White Lie

Derpy and Rainbow Dash were preparing Town Hall for an event.

“Rainbow Dash” said Derpy, "I have a question that I believe may be of some importance at this juncture“

"Well spit it out then" said Rainbow Dash

"Ok, my question is: were we supposed to be fixing the town hall or wrecking it?”

“Well OBVIOUSLY the answer is…” Rainbow Dash started, “...actually I can’t remember either.”

“Should we ask Cassandra for help?” asked Derpy.

“I’ve got a better idea,” said Dash, “Cassandra taught me a technique so that I wouldn’t have to bug her so often. It’s called WWCD. What Would Cassandra Do?”

“Wicked!” said Derpy, “How does it work?”

“It’s easy. I just think really hard about how Cassandra would handle the problem if she were here right now. Stand back, I’m gonna give it a try.”

“Ooh” said Derpy, mystified.

Rainbow Dash shut her eyes and went into a zen state.

In her mind, an image appeared, of a time that Cassandra rescued her after she got stuck in a tree. Dash had been so grateful that she agreed to practice kissing right on the spot. But most pivotal of all was what Cassandra said next,

“You’ve got to be more careful.”

Dash’s eyes flew open,

“I’ve got it!” she declared, “we need to minimize risk and diversify our investments! If we hedge our bets between breaking it and fixing it, then we’ll be partially right no matter what!”

“Yay Cassandra!” shouted Derpy.

“Ok, so down to business” said Dash, “the building’s rundown, but we want it derelict. Derpy, you can start by smashing home holes in the roof”

“Aye aye” said Derpy. She slammed into town hall with an aerial kick, sending a good-sized chunk of wood down into the conference room”

“Next I’ll kick down a few of these support beams,” said Rainbow Dash, “Don’t worry, the structure will hold. Cassandra taught me that it can stand up with just three beams in a triangle pattern.” She circled around the balcony, bucking the appropriate beams from their mountings.

“And finally...” she picked up a hooful of stones and handed some of them to Derpy, “...we take care of the window removal." The two began hurling rocks at the town hall windows, laughing giddily.

“What the hell are you doing?” called Cassandra. The two pegasi looked to their left to see Cassandra, as well as a whole crowd of ponies actually, were there.

“We’re doing just like you said!” yelled Rainbow Dash, “we’re making the town hall halfway between broken and fixed!” She and Depry hoof-bumped. The reverberations shook the town hall and caused the entire structure to collapse.

“Brilliant” said Cassandra sarcastically. She made a mental note to write Celestia a retraction of her Friendship Report on trusting ponies less competent than oneself.

“So I know this is a moot point now, Miss Mayor” said Dash, “but out of interest, were we supposed to be fixing or wrecking the town hall!”

“Neither!” shouted the mayor, “you were supposed to be hanging that banner!” She motioned to the ground where a large white canvas with Applejack’s picture sat next to a hammer and a box of nails.

“Whoops, my bad” said Derpy.

“As I was saying,” continued the mayor, “we’re here to celebrate Applejack, who has kindly offered to donate her rodeo winnings towards the replacement of the town hall.”

“Speech! Speech!” yelled Pinkie Pie

“Hwell alright,” said Applejack, “ah never was a gal of many words but here goes… Ah’m very proud to be useful for th’ town. Even though mah own family is so poor that were probably gonna hafta to eat Applebloom to make it through th’ winter, ah'm gonna donate all th' bits because ah can’t say no to tha oppertunity ta get this much attention.”

The crowd cheered.

*****

It was a week later, and Applejack still hadn’t come home.

“Where could she be?” wondered Fluttershy

Twilight replied, “I would assume she failed miserably at the rodeo competition because she’s an uncoordinated mess with no exceptional talents. And because she’s too proud to come home empty-hooved, she’s now making up the money by either prostituting herself to the locals or doing menial labor.”

“Twilight please!” said Cassandra, “while I can’t say I’d bet money against your theory, it wouldn’t kill you to sugarcoat it.”

“Sorry” said Twilight

“We probably should go check on Applejack,” continued Cassandra, “who’s up for a roadtrip?”

*****

One transition later, the six ponies arrived in Dodge Junction, and spotted Applejack almost immediately.

“Applejack! Applejack! Hi!” called Pinkie Pie, bouncing over to her, “are you a prostitute?” she asked.

“Nah,” replied Applejack, “but ah do take lotsa cherries. Ah got a job workin’ fer th’ local orchard”

“Because you didn’t win any money at the rodeo” finished Cassandra.

“Now how’d yall know that?” inquired Applejack, “this was th’ one time ah didn’t tell the truth!”

“Because you can be read like a book” replied Cassandra, “honesty is a useless trait when you’re that bad at lying.”

“Well shucks, ya got me. Wanna help me make some money at th’ cherry factory?”

“I suppose we do owe it to the town” said Cassandra.

*****

“Welcome to the factory, girls” said Cherry Jubilee. She was showing the Mane 7 to their workstations. “Applejack will spin the wheel, and the rest of you will sort the cherries into the red and yellow buckets. Most importantly, have fun.”

“Wait, what?” said Cassandra, “have fun? Is that really the advice you want to give to factory workers? Because the only fun I envision us having here involves lost product and onsite accidents.”

“Oh really?” said Cherry defiantly, “you think you know better than me how to run this factory?”

“I know so. I’ve only been in this room for a minute, but I can name ten inefficiencies.”

“Horseapples. Somepony as pretty as you couldn’t possibly be a genius businessmare as well!”

“You wanna try me?”

*****

The next day, Cherry Jubilee’s business saw a serious upturn. Cherries were going out out as fast as the carter ponies could take them. The Jubilee factory had tripled in size, and by a much greater factor in income

“Cassandra, you’ve turned my little business into an empire” said Cherry, “these 50,000 bits are the least I can do.” She handed Cassandra a hefty sack of bits that Cassandra lifted effortlessly.

“Oh, and here, a more personal gift. I baked it this morning.” Cherry gave Cassandra a fresh cherry pie. She and her friends helped themselves to a slice. It was delicious,

“Mmm!” exclaimed Twilight “This is just like Applejack’s apple pie, only I want to keep eating after the first bite!”

“Wow Cassandra” said Applejack, “it sure is mighty great that ya raised th’ money ta fix th’ town hall.”

“What are you talking about?” asked Cassandra quizzically, “you raised this money by winning the rodeo.” She pushed the bag of bits into Applejack’s face.

“We saw the whole thing” said Rainbow Dash, “It was AWSEOME the way you hogtied Wild Bull Hickock to win the Masters’ lasso event.”

“And when you jumped over 15 hay bales? I was so nervous I could barely watch” added Fluttershy.

“Oh my, and the dressage contest” added Rarity, “such style, such finesse, I thought for a minute it was me out there!”

“Aside from Cassandra, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a pony break so many world records in a single day,” finished Twilight

“Ya guys” said Applejack, tears welling up in her eyes, “Ah cayn’t believe ya’d do this fer me. Ah can’t wait ta see th’ look on the mayor’s faces when ah give her all these bits!”

“She’ll be happy enough with half of them” said Cassandra, “have you cleaned out the cellar recently? Didn’t you once tell me once that the Apple Family had a secret stash of around 25 thousand squirreled away for hard times?”

“Now that ya mention it, ah do faintly recall that.” replied Applejack

“All aboard!” called the train conductor

“Hey Cassandra?”

“Yes Applejack?”

“Th’ element of Honesty’s really startin’ to cramp mah style. Think you could help me come up with a better element when we get home?”

“I would love to.”

Author's Note

Aww how sweet, Applejack gets a Pet the Dog moment. Believe it or not, I do acknowledge her contributions when warranted.

Chapter 23: Parasprites

Princess Celestia was coming to town for a visit, and all the townspeople were hard at work. While most of them did insignificant tasks like watering flowers and putting up misspelled banners, Cassandra was busy protecting the town from invaders. However, because she wasn’t perfect, she didn’t have enough time to put up both the Changeling and Parasprite barriers. Faced with a difficult decision, she decided to rely on the age old coin flip,

“Heads I put up the Changeling barrier, tails I put up the Parasprite barrier. Wait… this won’t actually be random, because I know the secret to making it land on whichever side I want.” What she needed was a pony who wasn’t so distracted by knowledge and thinking, a tabula rasa of a brain.

“Hey Applejack! Flip this for me!” she called out to the orange pony, throwing her the coin. Applejack caught it with her hoof and obliged,

“It’s heads!” she shouted back. The coin flip was sacred, there was no going back.

*****

Fluttershy came across a strange insectoid creature. It was about the size of a golf ball, with four wings and huge green eyes. When she tried to feed it, it ate all the apples in one bite.

“This is the perfect pet for somepony who has no source of income,” she said.

*****

Cassandra stopped by Sugarcube Corner, where the Cakes were having trouble with Pinkie Pie eating everything.

“Mr and Mrs. Cake, just wanted to let you know that I couldn’t put the parasprite barrier up. It’s probably not going to be a problem, but I just thought I’d be on the safe side and alert all the food service establishments. Just be on the lookout for bugs, and don’t let anypony bring in outside food.”

“Ugh parasprites!” said Pinkie, her mouth full of chocolate cake, “I hate how they eat everything and make infinite clones of themselves!”

“Pinkie, do you know what the pot calling the kettle black means?” asked Cassandra

“Nopey dopey,” said Pinkie Pie continuing to stuff herself, “but I know what a parasprite is, and that’s surprisingly uncommon knowledge”

“Touche” said Cassandra, “anyways, I’ve got a dozen more shops to alert, so you two take care.

Later, the rest of the Mane cast except Applejack stopped by. Fluttershy showed them the Parasprite that she had found, which had now become three.

“Eew a parasprite!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie, “Now I have to go find a trombone!”

“Um ok” said Twilight bewildered, “care to explain that in more detail?”

“Nope, I think that’s enough to give you the gist” said Pinkie Pie, and she dashed off

“Anyway” continued Fluttershy, “there was only one of these before. Do you two want to take the others?”

“Well, apart from the fact that I know nothing about Parasprite care, sure, I can’t see anything going wrong with this.” concluded Twilight

“I feel like I should consult Cassandra before making this sort of life decision” said Rarity.

“Bah” said Twilight, “You’re smart enough to make that decision on your own.”

“You know what? You’re right, I WILL make this decision on my own, and I choose… to keep this parasprite!”

“Way to go, Rarity!” cheered Twilight.

“Incidentally” said Rarity, “Why are the called a ‘Pair of Sprites’ when there are three of them here?”

“That seems like a good place to terminate this conversation.”

*****

The ponies of Ponyville knelt before Princess Celestia, their heads bowed in shame. Cassandra stood by her long lost sister’s side, looking stoic

“Somepony” began Celestia, “Is responsible for bringing the parasprite invasion to Ponyville. And just like in the movie “Spartacus,” I will spare the lives of everypony here, as long as the individual responsible steps forward and accepts their punishment of five practice kissing sessions with Cassandra.”

Fluttershy was ready to confess. It was time to atone for her crimes. She took a deep breath,

“I’m Spartacus!” The crowd gasped and looked around to see who had spoken up. It was Rainbow Dash, head held high, and hooves planted firm.

“No darling, I’m Spartacus!” said Rarity, also rising to her feet.

“I’m Spartacus!” said Cherilee

“I’m Spartacus!” said Big Mac (see? I didn’t forget that Cassandra’s bisexual)

“I’m Spartacus!” said the mayor

“I’m Spartacus” said Spitfire

“I’m Spartacus” said Lemon Hearts.

As the shouting continued, and Celestia leaned over to Cassandra and whispered,

“What are we going to do?”

“I’ll have to take one for the team” said Cassandra, “Hedging our bets is the only way to ensure that the guilty get punished”

As usual, Celestia was bowled over by Cassandra’s bravery.

“Ah’m Spartacus!” said Applejack

“No” said Cassandra, “you’re not.”

The Cat Burglar, a Film Noir special presentation.

Mood Music

Name's Cassandra. I'm what you might call a "Jack of all trades, master of all of 'em." I was on the force for 15 years, before they forced me off because they were jealous of my perfect record. I set up my own little shop in the seedy district of Canterlot. Now when they need a private eye that's not afraid of gettin' her hooves dirty, or just somepony sharper than a typical beat cop, they come to me.

Business had been slow, but I had a feeling I was about to land a real whopper of a case. Call it a premonition. They say nopony believes a cassandra, but a betting mare would've been well suited to, because at that moment, an opportunity didn't even bother knocking, it burst right through my door. Fluttershy, as the locals called her, a real knockout dame. What she lacked in spine, she made up for in beauty. It was clear something had her shaken up

"It's terrible see!" said Fluttershy, her eyes wide with panic, and her heart going a mile a minute, "why I'm just so catatonic, I could faint right here on the spot!"

"Take a seat dollface," Cassandra motioned to the fainting couch, "I'm fresh out of smellingsalts and all the stores are closed." She poured a Scotch and placed it on the table in front of Fluttershy. Now, why don't you tell me what's happened?"

"This one comes right from the top! It's the big score! The top tamale of heists, see! Somepony's made off with the Elements of Harmony!"

Dramatic music sting.

*****

The Elements of Harmony, the most priceless jewels in Equestria. They were worth a queen's ransom, and had once been used for that very same barter. If somepony was tired of peeling potatoes for pennies on the dollar, grabbing the elements and hopping a boat to Istanbull was a sure path to the good life. First order of business was to talk with the two jokers that were on guard duty at the time of the incident.

"Listen up!" said Cassandra harshly, "all the signs point to inside job, so you better not hold anything back if you wanna make me doubt that."

"We're innocent, honest!" insisted Guardnumberone

"That's right" added Guardnumbertwo, "we never left our posts! You can ask anypony that came by!"

"Well maybe you didn't pinch em yourselves, but you could've been bribed to look the other way while somepony snuck in!"

"You're out of order!" fired back Guardnumbertwo, "You might be gorgeous as a rose, but we don't have to stand for these accusations!"

"Let's everypony just take it easy" interjected Guardnumberone, handing a cigarette to his partner. Then he offered the box to Cassandra, "One for the pretty lady?"

"No thanks, smoking is bad for your lungs."

The two guards looked at each other and burst out laughing. After taking a moment to compose themselves, they spoke again,

"You're a funny one" said Guardnumbertwo, wiping tears from his eyes, "all right, we'll cooperate. We don't have much to go on, but a pony named Noir was taking pictures outside the castle at the time of the incident. He thinks he got a snapshot of the culprit."

"Only problem is..." began Guardnumberone,

"Let me guess, he uses black and white film" finished Cassandra, "well you work with the hand you're dealt. Let me have a look." Guradnumberone handed her the photo. It was a grainy photo, but the figure of a pony on the wrong side of the fence was clear to see.

"Not having the hair color is bad enough, but the face is obscured too" commented the guard, "I don't know how we're going to figure out who he is."

"That would be your first mistake" said Cassandra, "this pony is a mare."

The guards gasped.

"It's still a wide pool, but at least it rules out thirteen percent of the population. I'll find your trinkets. In the meantime you get me the hoofprints of every mare and stallion that was in the castle, I'm not ruling out accomplices just yet. Make it snappy!"

*****

Just who would steal the Elements, I thought to myself. Sure it's a motherlode of a payout, but if you needed money fast, a jewelry store or bank would give up the goods with less of a fight. Maybe it was for the show of things, no better way to send a message than stealing the most heavily guarded item in all of Equestria. But this was all just theories for now, without concrete proof, I couldn't cement my suspicions. It was the next day, early morning. I was just sitting down to breakfast when I heard a knock at the door. I made myself decent and threw on my coat and fedora. Most ponies couldn't pull off that style of hat unless they were wearing it ironically. But I wasn't most ponies.

At the door was a royal footman,
"Princess Celestia has requested your audience immediately," he said.

"Took 'em long enough to get those prints. I guess she wanted to apologize to me personally."

"I don't know the nature of the meeting, I was just told to fetch you."

Cassandra arrived at the castle, eager to discuss the case with her long-lost sister.

"Thank you for getting here on on such short notice, Cassandra" said the Princess

"Please, call me Detective."

"Apologies, Detective. I've called you here because I have good news."

"You got the hoofprints I asked for?"

"Better, we found the Elements of Harmony!" said the Princess, gleefully, "One of our guards found the box out by the statue garden. We appreciate your time, you will be properly compensated."

"Well talk about a fine how do you do" said Cassandra, "I'll go ahead and interview the crook, see who she's workin for."

"There is no suspect" replied Princess Celestia, "we have recovered the lost property, the case is closed."

"How do you know they won't strike again?" insisted Cassandra.

"That is enough, Detective" said Celestia firmly, "you will surrender all case files and end your investigation, effective immediately."

"So you're just lettin' some common crook fly the coop?" demanded Cassandra, "I might not be with the force but I still know enough about justice to say-"

"DETECTIVE!" Celestia interrupted sharply, "I have made my decision. Question it again, and you will face the consequences."

"Well fine, no need to get your pantaloons in a bunch. All the case files." said Cassandra, curtly dropping a manilla folder on the floor. Celestia's horn glowed, and in an instant, the folder burst into flames and crumbled into a pile of ash. The footman began escorting Cassandra to the door.

"I can see myself out." she said curtly.

They say blood is thicker than water, but my sister was being as thick as a bag of rocks. There had to be something more to this mystery, more layers than a colossal-grade onion. I swore that I'd chop through it until I found the truth, and when I did, it'd be the bad guys shedding all the tears.

She reached into her saddlebag and pulled out the grainy black and white photo of the cat burglar, staring at it intently.

With or without the Princess's blessing, I'll find you.

The Cat Burglar, Part 2

Mood Music

I left the castle in a real cloud of haze, and it wasn't just because everypony smokes in this time period. What kind of demented jewel thief would steal the most valuable prize in Equestria, only to bring them back a day later? The castle may not have been a library, but justice would be long overdue if the Princess had her way. I did tell her I'd hang up my hat on this case, but I've always said that honesty is the least important Element.

When something seemed out of place, one immediate suspect came to mind, Me and him didn't see eye-to-eye on the order vs. chaos debate, but I had way of making stone-cold criminals sing like canaries.

Cassandra wandered through the statue garden, until she found the patch of grass where the Elements box had left its impression. An odd-looking pink and white flower petal lay on the ground nearby, but nothing else seemed amiss

There was one good thing about their indifference; no police tape or coppers standing between me and the crime scene.

Just as Cassandra predicted, the box's resting place was a mere two feet from the statue of Discord. This couldn't have been a coincidence. Cassandra faced the statue.

"Reveille, Discord. You and I are gonna have a talk. You wanna imply I'm stupid, or you wanna cut to the chase and tell me what I came to hear?" Discord's ethereal form emerged from the statue,

"Cassandra! So good to see you again! And before you ask, yes I forgive you for defeating me after Twilight and her friends failed to."

"A lotta strange things've been happening, call me crazy but I think you played a hand in them."

"Why yes, thank you for noticing, I have lost weight. All of it actually, since I don't have a body anymore."

"You better start cooperating or I won't be keepin' my good cop hat on for much longer! The very thing you've wanted to get your hands on goes missing, and then mysteriously reappears right next to you!"

"Bah, circumstantial evidence. You've got nothing on me" replied the draconequis.

Out of frustration, Cassandra gave the statue a kick. Because of her level 99 strength, it was enough to topple it over onto its back.

"Oh, now you're just being petty" scoffed Discord, "I had a great view of Canterlot Proper."

Cassandra brought her face inches away from his and shouted,

"Listen here you big palooka! I know you're hiding something from me! Now you got about 5 seconds to start talking before I give you a permanent view of the bottom of the Hudson river"

"Alright, alright, I give" said Discord in mock resignation, "One clue, I'll give it to you in the form of a riddle." He cleared his throat, "If you need to offload some hot cargo, it's quite uncommon to find somepony who'll take it."

"Rarity." said Cassandra instantly

"Oh, you're no fun" huffed Discord, "you could've at least pretended to struggle for a minute."

"I could've"

"Fine, whatever. Go on with your unfun life with your unfun detective work. Oh, and pick me back up unless you want to get a ticket for vandalism."

Cassandra obliged, but turned the statue so it faced the wall.

"Hey!" complained Discord.

"I'm not convinced I won't need something else from you." said Cassandra, hurrying off to Rarity's

"And I'm not convinced that I'll ever help you again!" Discord called back, but the beautiful PI was out of earshot.

*****

The resident gem expert went by the name Rarity. She had a knack for finding precious stones, and could spot a dud gem from a mile away. She'd been prospecting for my heart since we first met, so I figured she'd be more than happy to have a little chat.

Cassandra opened the door to the Carousel Boutique, the bell at the entrance giving a cute jingle-jangle.

"Well hello there Cassandra" said a sultry transatlantic voice. From the back room came an alabaster unicorn with a purple mane. Her face was adorned with crimson lipstick, turquoise eye shadow, and mascara that really made her lashes pop. She was smoking a cigarette with a fashionable ivory holder. "Are you perchance here to shop for a diamond ring for a very special somepony?" She batted her eyelashes.

"Sorry to disappoint, pussycat" said Cassandra, "I'm a long way off from being ready for the ol' ball-and-chain. I'm here on other business."

"Oh. Well that's ok too. Would that business be pleasure?"

"Not this time" said Cassandra, "this is about the Elements of Harmony, and their whereabouts."

"But did they not find those already, dear?" asked Rarity.

"So they say. But I'm coverin' all bases. You move a lotta jewelry, don't you, pussycat? Any chance that maybe you acquired a set of odd colorful stones recently?"

"Excuse me!" huffed Rarity, "but if you are suggesting that my shop would fence stolen jewelry for the common riffraff, then you can just leave right now!"

"Put the claws away, pussycat. Covering all the bases is my job, can't let feelings get in the way."

"Fine, we can be impersonal. I was going to tell you what I know, but now.." she leaned against the wall with her back arched, "you'll have to force it out of me."

"I'll write you an IOU, you know I'm good for it."

"That I do. Very well. I was not at the castle that day, but Applejack was. She was delivering apples to the princess. Besides she has a motive I don't; her lack of business acumen has put her family and business deep into debt."

"That all you got?" asked Cassandra skeptically, "you better think twice if you're holding out on me"

"Darling, I am a dressmaker, not some gossip columnist for a sleazy tabloid. How much must I give before you are satisfied?"

"I could ask you the same question, pussycat."

"Touche."

*****

Sweet Apple Acres was home to the biggest apple mover this side of the Missisippi. This pony was hardly the apple of my eye, but her ego was a lot like her fruit; a lot more pleasant for everyone if it didn't get bruised. I had to play it cool, make it seem like I was on her side. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Hopefully I could catch one with apples.

Cassandra arrived at Sweet Apple Acres, and was greeted by a large red stallion, Big Macintosh, the boss's brother and highest-ranking bodyguard. He gave her a quick patdown, and upon finding no weapons, motioned for her to proceed.

"Tell me honest, big fella, you enjoy that as much as I did?" smirked Cassandra

"Eeyup," replied Big Mac, though his face telegraphed nothing.

Cassandra passed through the archway, and was greeted by the ranch owner Applejack. She was wearing a ruffly Southern Belle dress of granny smith green and candy apple red. She carried an apple-patterned parasol,

"Why I do declare, if it isn't Cassandra!" greeted Applejack "How are you doin', sugar?"

"Been better" replied the dashing detective, "I've been grasping at straws with the latest case."

"My oh my, ain't that just the appleseed in the crust."

"Thought we could have a little talk about that delivery you made to the castle."

"Whatever for, sugarcube?" asked Applejack, "that wasn't nothing but a plain ol' crate o' apples."

"Something very valuable went missing on the day you were there. Normally you couldn't get into the castle, but on that day they let you right in the front door."

"Well don't that just roast mah cornbread!" exclaimed Applejack, "Goin' round accusin' ponies like that won't get you nowhere, 'cept on the business end o' Big Mac's rear hooves."

"Maybe so, but I happen to know that the Apple Family needed a big payoff and fast."

"Well fry my okra an' call me Turnover, y'all really are serious. Well you best stop barkin' up the wrong tree because ah wasn't the only one there under the pretense of deliverin' apples, Rainbow Dash was lendin' me some muscle. Y'all best stop flappin your lips here an' go do some detectivin' with her."

"Just doin' my job sweetcheeks, it's never personal;" said Cassandra brusquely.

Applejack relaxed her indignancy, "Ah suppose ya are just puttin' apples in your bushel."

"I know you had nothing to do with this, sweetcheeks, but I gotta cover all my bases. I'll be on my way," said Cassandra as she departed.

"Y'all take care now" said Applejack.

****

Applejack wasn't very good at lying, and by consequence, not good at telling when somepony else was. I'd challenge her to a game of poker, except I didn't think I'd be keeping my kneecaps after she started to lose. And since I'd grown fond of being able to walk, it seemed like an equally bad idea to keep pressuring her without proof to back it up. But Rainbow Dash was with her on the day, and should've seen everything that AJ did. The two of them were locked together like a couple of chains, and all I had to do was break the weaker link. By charming or harming, I'd have to get her to spill.

"And they're off! It's Fleetfoot takin' an early lead, but what's this folks? Spitfire shoots up from the rear, and now she's neck and neck, let me tell ya folks that girl's got plenty of spunk, and she'll need it if she wants to clean all their clocks in this race..."

As Cassandra hovered near Rainbow Dash's cloud house door, she could hear the radio blaring through the window. She knocked several times, but nopony answered. Finally, she gave the handle a turn, and upon seeing it was unlocked, she gave the door a light push, and let herself in.

"Dash?" called out Cassandra, "gotta talk to you"

"Hey shaddup!" yelled back Rainbow Dash, emerging from the antechamber, "the Wonderbolts're on!"

"We can talk about this here and now, or we can do it downtown in however many minutes it takes for me to fly you there. What's it gonna be, toots?"

"You'se bluffing" said Rainbow Dash flatly, "Carrot Top aint got no proof I took dose carrots! The perp was movin' too fast for anypony to see!"

"Thanks the leverage," replied Cassandra, "but I'm here with a much bigger fish to fry - your delivery on the day of the heist."

"What about it? It illegal for a mare ta make an honest day's living?"

"It is if you were to say, enter the castle, drop off the crate, then wander around for a bit. Maybe find a set of jewels that looked too good to be cooped up in that dusty storage vault?"

Rainbow Dash guffawed, "Hah! You really thought you could trick me with that? F'get about it! Me and Applejack dropped off da crate yeah, but da guard didn't even let us in! He just took da crate an' told us to scram. So you see? I couldn'ta gotten my hooves dirty."

"Well then I guess I owe you an apology" conceded Cassandra

"You could apologize by kissin' me on the lips" suggested Dash,

"Why don't I give you a gift instead?" replied Cassandra. From her bag she pulled out the pink and white flower petal from the crime scene, "Any idea what this is?" she asked.

"You gotta get out more, C, that's an apple blossom" said Dash, proud of her trivial aptitude "but why do you have it...?" Her face fell, and her eyes went wide with panic. She didn't know quite what was going on, but it was clear she'd fallen into some kind of incriminating trap.

"It's almost midnight, toots" replied Cassandra, "get some sleep."

This was just the break I needed. I knew they were in cahoots, and now I had one of them ready to spill. Applejack was a punctual sort of filly, I knew she'd be up as soon as the rooster crowed, and I'd be right there waiting. I'd always wondered what happened when you put an apple in a pressure cooker, and now I was about to find out.

*****

Cassandra arrived at Sweet Apple Acres just as the sun was peeking over the horizon. Just like the day before, Big Macintosh was stoically minding his post.

"Remember me big fella?" teased Cassandra.

"Eeyup," he replied

"Any chance I could speak to the boss again?"

"Nnope."

"And why's that?"

"Because she's dead."

Dramatic Music Sting.

The Cat Burglar, Part 3, The Thrilling Conclusion

Mood Music

The Elements of Harmony. The very linchpins of Equestrian society, and most sought-after jewels in the world. Some ponies would kill to get their hooves on them, and now it looked like one of them had. Rainbow was in the clank, and I was off the case, so our chat would have to wait. All I could do now was hope that one of her pals had something for me.

Cassandra knocked on Fluttershy's door. From inside she heard the commotion of the many many animals that the pegasus housed. Finally she answered

"Well if it isn't Cassandra, see. I woulda visited you myself but I'm just too shy to knock on your door, and the animals keep me busy all the time. What brings ya to my neck of the woods?"

"I'm not here to beat around the bush, I know you've heard about Applejack and Rainbow Dash."

"Why I saw it just today in the Morning Telegraph. I was so surprised I nearly passed out on the spot! But what's it to ya?"

"Visiting hours are closed, and I need to shake down Rainbow Dash."

"Well talk about a doozy!"

"So dollface, you ready to talk yet?"

"Well I guess I got no choice see, you charmed me into spilling my secrets! Rainbow Dash was carrying a suspicious package into her house yesterday. You should toss her place. I'll keep the coppers from goin' in to buy you some time."

"Much appreciated dollface. A kiss for good luck?"

"Now that's an offer I can't refuse!"

*****

Rainbow Dash prided herself on loyalty, and loyal she was, to a fault. I only hoped I could find something in her house that could prove it. Her house seemed pretty clean, there wasn't anything suspicious I could see, but there was something I could hear.

"We're live at Wonderbolts stadium for another fine day at the races. In this first race is the veteran Soarin' Lighningbolt taking on the newcomer Mach 3 Falcon. And golly gee is this goin' to be a good one..."

It was unbelievable how scatterbrained Dash could be sometimes, forgetting to turn off her radio. Cassandra went into the antechamber and found the high-end woodgrained device. Some very nice craftsmanship indeed. As she flicked the switch into the off position, a panel came loose and fell off. A false panel, Cassandra observed, hastily added on. The concealed surface beneath it read, "Property of the Apple Family."

"Well well well" called a voice from the doorway, "looks like yous finally figgered it out."

"I'm ashamed I didn't sooner, Rainbow Dash. You didn't steal the Elements, but you know who did. All they needed was for you to act as a corroborating witness, but they had no money to buy you. Now I know how they did."

"Dat's a great story" replied Rainbow Dash, beginning a slow clap, "it's too bad ya won't live ta tell!" She pulled out a revolver and aimed right between Cassandra's eyes. Cassandra ducked out of the way just as the gunshot rang out, leaving a hole in the wall where she was a second ago. She retreated into the living room and hid behind a sofa,

"Just lemme die with closure" she called to Dash, "tell me why you did it!"

"Why? Ain't it obvious? I did it for da Wonderbolts! I tried everythin' to get into their club, but nothin' worked! I'm through playin' fair, in return for the Elements, I'm gonna get th' princess to force 'em to take me in."

"But they've already been returned! What leverage do you have?"

Rainbow laughed, "ya mean the ones dey found in th' garden? A cheap set o' slugs! If da princess can pretend like she got 'em back, dat alone's worth some money! We're keepin' da real ones safe just till we run outta favors to ask. My associate's on her way right now ta negotiate for da real elements' return." Finally, she found Cassandra's hiding place. She pressed the gun into Cassandra's muzzle. "Real sorry C, hate ta ruin a pretty face like yours."

"You're not gonna." Cassandra hoisted up the sofa and swung it like a baseball bat, sending Rainbow Dash backwards into a bookshelf.

"Heh" chuckled a dazed Dash, "forgot you could do dat."

"You're not the first pony to make that mistake." Dash reached feebly for the gun, but Cassandra kicked it to the far end of the room.

"Whatever. Plan's too far in motion. Dere's nothin' you can do 'bout it now."

"You forgot about my strength, but I didn't think you'd forget about my speed, toots." chided Cassandra. She took off in a blaze

*****

I flew to Canterlot Castle as fast as my wings could carry me. I had just seconds to stop this dirty deal from going down. So many ponies had gotten roped into this mess, even the royalty. This case was in its twilight stages. Now all I had to do was wait at the drop site and blow the lid off the whole thing.

Cassandra arrived at the statue garden and crouched down behind the Discord statue, his face still pointed at the wall. His ethereal form emerged wearing a pleased-looking grin on his face,

"Well well well, I knew you'd be sorry, but I didn't expect you to actually grovel."

"Can it Discord, I can't have you jabbering on in my head right now"

"Turn me the right way around and I'll consider it."

"Fine, it's a deal."

DIscord was taken aback, he'd actually beaten the great Cassandra in a negotiation. But true to his deal he kept his celebration silent. Cassandra turned her attention to the skies, and presently saw a pegasus carrying a shiny looking box. The pegasus called out,

"Where are ya Princess? I've brought the Elements, see! Don't try anythin' funny, I'm so skittish I might just run off if I get suspicious."

"I'm down here Fluttershy" called Celestia, emerging from behind a bush, "and I am alone. Now end this farce and return what you stole!"

Fluttershy lowered herself to the ground, and as she passed by the Discord Statue, Cassandra grabbed hold of the base and spun it 180-degrees, whacking Fluttershy with the statue's outstretched arm. The box fell out of her grasp, and landed near Celestia, who put a hoof on it securely.

"Cassandra, I can't believe you were right!" exclaimed Celestia, "I'm sorry for not trusting you."

"It's all right, you're far from the first. What did they make you do?"

"At first they just wanted money, so I complied and they returned what I thought were the Elements. After I dismissed you, I received another note claiming they still had the real ones. They were threatening to take me down if I didn't meet their new demands, and who was I to argue? It would be an irrevocable scandal if word got out that four of my appointed Element Bearers were lowdown gem thieves."

"Wait a minute" said Cassandra, "did you say four?"

"Yes, they demanded 25,000 bits each, total of 100,000. The note was very clear. But that isn't important now that the Elements are safe" The Princess unlatched the lid on the Elements box for a cursory glance inside.

"TIA DON'T OPEN THAT!" cried Cassandra. With reflexes like a whip, the heroic PI kicked the box out of Celestia's grasp and sent it hurtling into the air. At the apex of its upward arc, the box exploded with a thunderous BANG and a huge red fireball.

Celestia stood stock still with eyes agape.

"You gonna be ok?" inquired Cassandra. Celestia remained petrified in surprise and didn't respond. "Alright then. I leave Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash in the hooves of your justice system. I have a loose end to tie up."

*****

I'd accounted for thee of the crooks, but it was clear that the forth one didn't want to be found. She was as clever as a fox, and twice as deadly. But if I knew her right, her cleverness would be her undoing. I was at the Ponyville Docks, and it was nearly midnight. An ambient fog rolled in, setting the mood for the final chapter of my story. And all I could do now was wait, and pray that my hunch would pay off.

Cassandra sat on a bench overlooking the sea. She checked her pocketwatch, 11:59 PM. any second... now. Right on cue came the clip-clopping of hooves on the wooden pier. Out of the mist stepped a shadowy pony, carrying the Elements box and looking around nervously.

"Well hello sailor!" called out Cassandra, "nice night for a boat ride, isn't it... pussycat."

Dramatic Music Sting

"You should not have come here." replied Rarity.

"Guess you were irresistible after all." Cassandra approached Rarity and gave her a peck on the cheek.

"Get away from me!" snarled Rarity, shoving Cassandra backwards, "I am through with you playing coy!"

"I just got one question. Where're you planning on goin' without a boat ticket?"

"What ever do you mean? I have a ticket to Istanbull..." Rarity rifled around in her purse, but could not find what she was looking for.

"Someday you'll learn not to let your guard down" mocked Cassandra, waving the ticket in front of her.

"Give it back." Rarity ordered.

"Tell me why you did it and I might be open to bartering."

"I am a collector of precious things, darling. I had to settle for stealing the second-most precious gems in the world, because you wouldn't give me the first; your heart."

"You had no intention of returning the Elements, did you? All those ransom demands your friends thought they'd be getting?"

"Were red herrings, that's right. Those three were pawns in my game, and what can I say? Sometimes pawns have to be sacrificed."

"And what happened to Applejack, that was no accident, was it?"

"The night after she tangoed with you, she called me up for a little heart-to-heart, worried that you were getting too close to the truth. She went on and on with her tedious drivel about the Element of Honesty, and that she didn't know how long she could keep up her charàde. I threw a bit into the grain thresher, and she went in after it."

"She was desperate for money."

"Now I think that's quite enough of me expoooosing myself, darling. Why don't I ask you a question now; how did you know I was the master puppeteer?"

"The money, pussycat. You asked for 25,000 bits each, which was just enough to post bail for Rainbow Dash. Somepony had to cough up their share, and who better to do so than the Element of Generosity?"

"Who indeed? Well darling, this has been a pleasurable rendez-vous, but I'm afraid my time has become short... as has yours." Rarity drew her ebony-handled Colt and pointed it at Cassandra,

"Not again" groaned Cassandra. She cartwheeled out of the way and ducked behind a crate. She rounded the corner and found a dozen empty barrels, diving into one.

"I know you're in there Cassandra~" called Rarity, tearing the lid off one barrel, only to find it empty. "You cannot hide forever."

"Put the piece away, pussycat. We both know you're not gonna use it."

"Unlike you, I follow through on my commitments!"

"You gotta trust me. Turn yourself in before you rack up any more charges."

Rarity scoffed. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed that one of the barrels was shaking. Ravenously, she pried the lid off,

"I've got you now!!!" she cried, but to her surprise, the barrel was empty. Suddenly, the dock exploded into a mess of ocean water and splinters as Cassandra burst out from right underneath Rarity. The shock knocked her backwards, causing her to lose hold of her gun and drop it into the ocean. Cassandra held her down and pinned her front hooves behind her back

"Kill me now! I can't bear to live without you!" sobbed Rarity.

"Chin up, pussycat. Heartbreak makes everypony do crazy things. I'll make ya a trade. Your ticket for the Elements and a signed confession note. I followed my hunch to come here, but I was too late to stop you. But you were overridden with guilt and decided to make the amends you could." She handed a quill and piece of parchment to Rarity. The cat burglar wiped her eyes and smiled at Cassandra,

"You really are a prize. I can see now that you are a bird too beautiful for me to cage. All right, I will give you what you asked for." She began to write.

"Open the box, if you would."

"There is no bomb in this one, but suppose I deserve the distrust." said Rarity. She undid the latch and opened the lid. Inside were the genuine Elements of Harmony laid neatly in their places. "My confession is finished." She handed the box and the note to Cassandra, who in turn gave her the ticket. A boat's whistle sounded.

"You'll be in my heart forever" promised Rarity as she boarded the ocean liner.

"I know, pussycat, I know."

Some might say I let the cat burglar slip through my fingers, to which I'd respond that I don't have any. Lovesickness, everypony's been there. Ponyville wouldn't be the same without its dressmaker-jeweler, but we'd all get along somehow. I'd considered running away with her, but in the end I knew I had to say. I might not be the hero Ponyville wants, but I am the one they need.

Chapter 24: The Braggart

"Fillies and Gentlecolts, I am the grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat and powerful Trixie!"

The Mane 7 and most of the town were watching Trixie perform a magic show.

"You know, those sparklers and fireworks are pretty impressive, considering she's not a unicorn" said Cassandra. Trixie levitated her hat off her head, revealing that Cassandra was mistaken, she was in fact a unicorn.

"Wait what?" said Cassandra confused, "are we supposed to be impressed by this? I mean I thought your gimmick was that you could do all this in spite of being an earthpony, but this is like first-grade magic for a unicorn." But the townspeople seemed to be enjoying themselves so she let it go.

"Ah can't take anymore of her boastin'" declared Applejack, "Somepony's gotta put her in her place! Are ya with me? Ah can't hear ya, are ya with me?"

"Um, Applejack" said Cassandra, "it sounds like you think there's a big crowd of ponies cheering in assent for you. There's not."

"But how can they put up with her boastin'?" demanded Applejack, "I'm gonna go up there and teach her a lesson." She jumped onto the stage,

"Trixie, ah challenge you to a fiddle contest."

"Wouldn't do that AJ" called Cassandra, "she probably got her powers by winning a fiddle contest."

"Hey!" objected Trixie.

"Alright then, ah challenge you to a lasso contest!"

"You won't win that either but all right" commented Cassandra.

Applejack got out her rope, and did surprisingly good tricks for someone with no fingers. But as predicted, Trixie used her magic to take control of the rope and tied her up. Rainbow Dash shifted uncomfortably in the crowd; she couldn't help but think about Cassandra doing that her.

"Hahahaha! Can anypony besides Cassandra challenge the Great and Powerful Trixie?"

Twilight could, but she was afraid of being a braggart.

"Twilight" said Cassandra, "does it occur to you that nopony except your friends are actually booing Trixie?"

"That doesn't bode well for their intelligence" remarked Twilight

"Nope," agreed Cassandra "no it does not. But they're cute."

Rarity took her turn on stage next using magic to make clothes for herself. But Trixie turned her hair green, besting the alabaster unicorn.

"Not green hair!" she wailed. Carrot Top got upset about that, because she had green hair.

"Rarity, I'm shocked at you!" scolded Cassandra, "I thought I explained to you that being a bigot was a bad thing. Practice kissing. Two sessions"

"I'm sorry. Thank you for teaching me this lesson." said Rarity with a regretful look on her face.

Dash tried to upstage Trixie with some flying tricks. They were actually pretty impressive, but Trixie got the last laugh when she used her magic to whisk Dash off stage with a rainbow tornado. Snips and Snails declared her to be the most powerful unicorn in Equestria

"That tears it!" exclaimed Applejack, "she's got too much influence an' she must be stopped!"

*****

Twilight and Cassandra were hanging out at Twilight's house discussing intellectual matters that were beyond the other five's mental capacity. Spike interrupted them.

"Twilight, why won't you do something about Trixie?" he whined

"Because I don't want ponies to think I'm a showoff." replied Twilight

"Because she's a travelling performer and she'll move on in a couple of days no matter what we do." said Cassandra.

Their conversation was interrupted by a load ROAR outside. An Ursa was charging through town, laying waste to everything in its path.

"What do I do?" cried Twilight

"Use your magic to stop it" said Cassandra

"But then everypony will think I'm a braggart!"

"They can't think about much if they're all dead"

"Good point." Twilight used her magic and made the Ursa go to sleep. then she sent it back to its cave. The town cheered for Twilight and no longer liked Trixie, who had lied. To add insult to injury, that wasn't even an Ursa Major like Trixie had bragged about, but an Ursa Minor. It looked like the day was saved, but then an even bigger bear came in, an Ursa Mega!

"See what Trixie's done?" said Applejack, emerging from the crowd, carrying a pitchfork. Her sister and brother were carrying torches.

"Let me guess," said Cassandra, "you were trying to form an angry mob, and those two were the only ponies you could convince to join you.

"Eeyup" said Big Mac.

"Applejack that tool you're carrying is very sharp. Why don't you put it away before you hurt yourself?" advised Cassandra.

"Death to braggarts!" exclaimed Applejack. She charged at Trixie, but tripped because she's a clumsy pony, and impaled herself on the pitchfork.

"Alright, enough of this." Cassandra leapt into action, deftly dodging the Ursa Mega's swipes and slashes, before using her magic to levitate it back to its cave too. The crowd cheered for Twilight and Cassandra.

"I guess it's not bragging to use your powers for good. Thanks for teaching me, Cassandra."

In the background, Trixie was trying to escape.

"Not so fast!" said Cassandra, tripping her, "we have to figure out what to do with you."

"The Great and Powerful Trixie surrenders" she replied, but was secretly hovering a heavy toolbox behind Cassandra's back, preparing to club her with it. Cassandra was too smart and quick for that. She flicked Trixie's horn, which caused the toolbox and all the tools teleport off in random directions.

"I think one of them teleported inside me" said Trixie ruefully.

"Yeah I'd see a doctor about that. Anyways, are you good at practice kissing?"

"The Great and Powerful Trixie is the best in all of Equestria."

"Then I have good news, I just figured out how you can make amends."

Author's Note

Some people say my stories have no continuity. Frankly I don't know what they're talking about, I gave this episode a cursory mention in the Iron Will chapter, and followed through on it.

This isn't my best, I admit, ran out of material. But I think you'll really like the next chapter, I had a very novel idea that I think ended up working really well. It's nothing to do with Halloween/Nightmare Night, I don't have any specials this year.

Chapter 25: The Façade

Cyrano de Rarity

The dramatic poetic retelling of Sweet and Elite

The time had come to turn the pages on Twilight Sparkle's book of ages. Her six friends began to organize a celebration.

Cassandra didn't want to be over-zealous, lest the other friends get jealous, she made sure to exercise a lot of moderation.

Presently at half past four, came a knocking at the door, 'twas Rarity with a look of utter consternation

"Can you spare a moment please? I'm feeling quite weak on my knees, a favour from you would be quite a charity."

"Why I would be utmost embarrassed, if while sorting out Tartaress, couldn't spare a moment for my dear friend Rarity."

"Twilight's spirits would be lifting, if a dress I could be gifting, but it must be finished in time for this special day.

So I've taken several actions, to shield myself from life's distractions, I've rented out a tower and I'll seal myself away."

"Your skills to mine can't hold a candle, but it seems you've got a handle, so pray tell what help of mine you crave?"

"I lack the knowledge of things global, if perchance I meet a noble, I shan't know at all how to behave."

Said Cassandra with a smile, "can you make it worth my while? I anticipate a busy week ahead."

"Loath you would be to be missing, several sessions of practice kissing, and did I mention that my suite only has one bed?"

"Fine I'll give you my perusal, that offer defies refusal, with my help you'll soon become the royal city's star."

Like Cyrano but with complexion, of a goddess's perfection, Cassandra would be watching, guiding her from afar.

*****

In an outdoor cafe sat Rarity, sipping her coffee gracefully, having been educated on the high class drinks and blends.

Making sure it played out right, Cassandra observed from rooftop height, as two elite-class ponies made conversation with her friend.

She saw trouble at ten o' clock, drew her slingshot and a rock, and fired off a shot at bullet speed.

Approaching Rarity for an accosting, was the mentally exhausting, uncultured earthpony named Hay Seed.

But he dropped without a cry, when he got struck between the eyes, leaving Rarity's image safe and sound.

The conversation turned to hats, and she impressed the aristocrats, with her fashion sense, she truly did astound.

Then by random happenstance, she crossed the path of Fancy Pants. Cassandra hissed "Move over to the side."

Her avoidance of collision, solidified the colt's decision, "care to join me at Derby?" "Why I'd love to!" she replied.

He took her to his private box, the others judged and stared like hawks, but with Cassandra's guidance, she kept herself composed.

"Betting money on the track? Rapidfire will win it back" said Fancy Pants, but Rarity opposed.

A different pony got her vote, but Cassandra said "don't rock the boat, that's the fastest way to get yourself exposed."

Said Rarity "I find it odd, that the secret lies in fraud. From your counsel I just might go rogue."

"This truth may be hard to swallow, but the leader they do follow, he can put anything in vogue..."

"...so If you don't want any hassle, say you're sleeping in a castle, and do not speak of Ponyville at all."

With Cassandra's lie concoction, she scored invites to an auction, truly she'd become belle of the ball.

Back at the hotel she lamented, "these rich folks are so demented, all they ever do is nod their heads."

"But Rarity, you should be proud, you've cracked the secret to this crowd, stop fighting with the system, make it work for you instead."

"This feels so right and yet so wrong, you know what I need? A catchy song, with everything I've learned rolled into one.

"A melody I shall compose, with graceful rhymes & perfect prose." Cassandra handed her a piece of paper, said "it's done."

"Becoming Popular" she performed, as she took the town by storm, but her dear friend's gift she had neglected.

She returned a tired heap, forgot the dress and went to sleep, but in the morning found it was perfected.

"But who completed my design with craftsmanship and skills divine? Was it some bizarre temporal shift?"

"Fluttershy is good at sewing, but I'm surprised at you not knowing, she's not the only pony who happens to share that gift."

"Oh Cassandra, platitudes, cannot express my gratitude, I simply must reward with something more."

With adulation and great bliss, she moved in for a practice kiss, but they were interrupted by a letter at the door.

The message was from Upper Crust, "attend our soiree, simply must," but it overlapped with Twilight's party.

"Opal has been taken ill, we can't return to Ponyville" she wrote her friends an apology most hardy.

But sadly this was one exception to prospering from deception, for they felt compelled to come and visit her in person

And though the five of them meant well, the parties ran in parallel, and Rarity's conflict began to worsen.

*****

Majestic as the great Valhalla, yearly this space hosts the gala, but tonight its halls would be defiled.

Artillery-based decorations, revelry & celebrations, primal urges won out, and they heeded call of wild

They struck piñatas, ate their cake, and Rarity took a bathroom break, but really she sneaking to the party in the garden

And Applejack, she breathed her last, stood in front of a cannon blast, but it was deemed an accident and Pinkie got a pardon.

Presently the other ~~five~~ (four since AJ's not alive), saw the ponies outside and decided to be crashers.

Cassandra knew they'd be revolted, so the door she shut & bolted, saved the reputation of the lovely haberdasher.

But Rarity, she let it slip, her Ponyvillian citizenship, Jet Set & Upper Crust were quick to bust her chops.

She was saved from humiliation by Fancy Pants's acclamation, he gave Twilight's dress some major props.

"Thanks for being so defensive, but your reasons make me pensive, what compelled you to speak up and help me save some face?"

"Of all the tycoons, kings, and bankers, those two are the biggest wankers, I was looking for a way to put them in their place...".

"...and you're so good at kissing ass, you'll fit in fine with upper class. You must be something special if Cassandra is your friend.

Yes I admit this isn't gallant, but you don't need any talent, it's who you know that matters in the end."

"Well that causes great distress, but at least you like my dress, I've figured out the system and it's clever.

And as I'm laughing to the bank, I know exactly who to thank: Cassandra, the greatest pony ever!"

Chapter 26: The Cuteceañera

"...and that's how you do calculus."

"Wow Cassandra, yer so much smarter than Applejack!" said Applebloom. The two of them were in Cassandra's study. Cassandra was teaching Applebloom mathematics because she needed tutoring, and nopony in her family had gotten further than second grade. After a week under Cassandra's tutelage, she was miles ahead of the rest of the class. They were eating Pocky, which Cassandra had imported from Japan. Applebloom loved going over to Cassandra's place because she had all sorts of cool video games, including many on pre-release. "There's somethin' else that ah wanted ta talk to ya about, 'cause yer the adult ah trust most."

"Is it about your cutie mark?"

"Yeah! How'd ya know? Yer much more perceptive than Applejack."

"She does have a lot of shortcomings, cluelessness being a big one."

"Yesterday ah tried givin' away apples fer free just like Applejack does, but ah didn't get mah cutie mark."

"There's nothing wrong with not having your cutie mark. Once you have it, you're committed for life. Heck, what if your destiny is to get apples as a cutie mark? Wouldn't you want to put that off for as long as possible?"

"Ah hadn't considered that! Yeah, ah guess ah would like to avoid that. So what yer sayin' is, ah should keep as far away from apple sellin' as ah can and maybe ah'll get a cutie mark in somethin' else."

"Precisely. I know you can do it"

"How are ya so sure?"

"Because you're adopted."

"Really? WOOOHOOOO! Ah knew it! Ah'm so happy!!!" She skipped out the door singing cheerily, almost bumping into Princess Celestia who was waiting outside.

"What was that?" asked Celestia

"Proof that honesty is the least important Element. What do you want? "

"I mis-oriented the sun when I rose it this morning. Would you fix it for me?"

"My god Tia, you're so stupid." It was ok for her to talk to Celestia like that because she was the princess's long lost sister. "Fine I'll take care of it. You just stay here and look pretty, and try not to screw up anything else while I'm gone."

"I will try my very hardest" assured Celestia.

*****

Cassandra flew into space, past Venus and Mercury. The temperature went from ice-cold to burning hot, but Cassandra's toughness prevailed. Because she had level 99 speed, it wasn't long before she made it to the sun. The sun ignited jealousy on contact, which is why Cassandra was the only pony fit for this task. With a monumental effort, she hoisted the ball of gas - which was 332,950 times heavier than the weight Atlas had to bear. She pushed it as hard as she could, until finally it was in the right position. Wiping her brow, she returned to earth.

*****

"You look like you'd be really good at eating cupcakes" said Pinkie Pie to Applebloom.

"Pefect!" exclaimed Applebloom, "ah'll get a cupcake eatin' cutie mark and then it'll be impossible fer me ta get an apple cutie mark!" Sadly for Applebloom, this turned out to be a bait-and-switch because they had to make the cupcakes first, and also they were for Diamond Tiara's Cuteceañera so she couldn't have any. "Ah guess a making cupcakes cutie mark could work too."

"Great! Cassandra taught me a song to sing while making cupcakes!"

"An' she taught me how ta make cupcakes!"

"It's like we complete each other!"

One chipper song later, the cupcakes were done. Pinkie Pie eagerly dug into one of them. Her eyes went wide

"This, is like a rebirth for my taste buds! I feel like my mouth's been living a lie to never have been graced by something like this. Why if every cupcake tasted like this, I wouldn't have to violate their purity with hot sauce." Tears came to her eyes, "It's a whole new world of cupcakes! Baking is worth living for again! Cassandra's recipe has pulled me back from the dismal depths of despair. I cast ye out PInkamena!!! There is no place for you in this body!" From Pinkie Pie rose a ghostly form; herself with fur darkened, eyes downcast, and hair deflated & straight. The specter screamed like a banshee as light ripped through its evil spirit, banishing it from the world of the living forever. "And to think," chuckled Pinkie Pie, "I was so bored with baking that I was going to kill Rainbow Dash and turn her into cupcakes!"

Thanks to Cassandra, Cupcakes was never written.

*****

"So after all that, ah still didn't get mah cutie mark." lamented Applebloom to Cassandra

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon passed by,
"Wouldn't it be soooo embarassing to be the only pony without a cutie mark"
"I know right? There's nothing worse than being a blank flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaank."

"See?" said Applebloom "Ah can't go to th' party because ah'm a blank flank.

"No Applebloom, you're going to that Cuteceañera, and you're not going to be embarassed" said Cassandra, "I have an idea. I need you to go to the market and buy out all the unripe pears. When you get to the party, seek out two fillies named Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle. Then, the three of you say..."

*****

Applebloom had decided to ignore Cassandra's advice. Instead, she covered herself up with a dress so that they couldn't see her flank. But that plan backfired when she ripped her dress, exposing her blank flank and knocking over the record player. Everyone at the party gasped. Tiara and Spoons mocked her,

"Nice try blank flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaank!" Applejack might have intervened, but she was too distracted thinking about Braeburn to notice. Applebloom ran away crying and hid under the stairs. She'd learned a painful lesson about trusting Cassandra's advice.

"Hey, you're Applebloom right? I'm Sweetie Belle and this is Scootaloo. Cassandra told us to find you." Applebloom looked up to see two fillies standing over her, who were also blank flanks.

"You got the pears?" asked Scootaloo

"Y-yeah" said Applebloom finishing up her sobbing and drying her tears.

"Then it's go time."

The three emerged from around the corner, and to the snobby pony, Applebloom shouted.

"Hey Diamond Tiara!!! Happy Quince-añera!!!" She picked up a pear and hurled it at Diamond Tiara. Ripe pears were soft and pliable, but the unripe ones were hard as a stone. It hit Tiara square in the eye.

"Ow" she whined, recoiling in pain.

"You got a problem with blank flanks?" Said Scootaloo. She whipped another pear at Tiara, smashing her nose. A waterfall of blood began to gush out.

Silver Spoons nervously tried to back away. Sweetie Belle smirked, "Going somewhere?" She hurled a pear at Spoons, destroying her glasses. The broken lenses cut into her face.

"Ya got such a great cutie mark!" yelled Applebloom, landing a hit on Tiara's flank. A bruise began to form that nearly completely covered up her cutie mark.

"Bump bump sugarlump, RUMP!!!" squeaked Sweetie Belle as she hit Tiara square in the rear.

"Hey girls, I think I might get a cutie mark in pitching!" Scootaloo threw one at Silver Spoon's leg, causing her to buckle over.

The two snooty ponies cried as they continued to get pelted, each hit landing directly on its target. They tried to run, but their legs were in so much pain that all they could do was shuffle. A hit to the cranium knocked Tiara's tiara off her head. Pathetically, she tried to reach for it, but it had slid too far away, and landed by Applebloom's feet. She stomped on the crown, turning the jewelry into a broken pile of scrap, like its owner would soon be.

Their dresses were ruined, tattered and bloodstained, so they ripped them off and tried desperately to use them as face shields, to no avail. They were covered in bruises and cuts, and had given up on getting away. The pain was starting to fade, being replaced by a numbness all over. Applebloom came over to where they lay, and looked Tiara square in the eye.

"Ah'm full a potential, and don't you forget it!" She kicked Diamond Tiara in the ribs.

"Hey! said Pinkie Pie, "somepony get those two buzzkills out of here, and let's party!!!" Twilight rolled Tiara and Spoons out the door, and the party went back into full swing.

Dear Princess Celestia. That's right, ah'm writin' y'all letters in season one, deal with it. Today ah learned so many new things! Ah learned that gettin' yer cuite mark isn't somethin' to feel superior about, it's jus' a thing that occurs at some point in everypony's life. Ah learned that ah shoud trust th' advice of ponies that're smarter than me, like Cassandra. Lastly, ah learned that pears are mah favorite fruit.

Yours truly,
Applebloom.

Author's Note

Oops, I said I wasn't going to go dark again. My bad.

Chapter 27: The Slumber Party

"I hate manual labor" whined Rarity, "I can't believe we have to take these branches down, especially now when it looks like it could rain any minute."

"For tha hundredth time Rarity," said Applejack exasperatedly, "we gotta take th' branches down because they might get blown off in th' storm, and th' reason we gotta do it now is 'cause ah forgot ta do it earlier. Braeburn came over, an' we were havin' a roll in th' hay- I MEAN, talkin' about apple related stuff."

Rarity stewed and returned to turning the branches into little sculptures.

"Fer pete's sake Rarity, as long as yer commitin' a serious racial slur by usin' magic for earthpony work, why ain't ya usin' it to help me break th' branches?"

"Because I hate you."

Applejack was hurt, but she couldn't argue with the logic. Suddenly, a huge clap of thunder startled them, and they ran under a picnic table for safety.

"Whoa nelly, we gotta find shelter!"

"Look over there, it's Twilight's house! We can crash there."

*****

Cassandra was helping Twilight with a friendship essay that was due tomorrow, when Rarity and Applejack knocked on the door.

"Oh hi girls" said Twilight.

"Cassandra, I'll give you three sessions of practice kissing if you let us crash here" begged Rarity. Normally, it would've taken five to make that happen, but Cassandra gave Rarity a discount because of her wet mane. Rarity was lucky to have a friend to teach her such exemplary generosity.

"I have an essay due for the Princess that I really should finish" said Twilight.

"This is an opportunity to get firsthand friendship experience" replied Cassandra, "Tia will understand that that's more important than her dumb essay."

"Great! I have a book on slumber parties that I've been waiting to break out!" She rushed off to get the book.

*****

"So first on the list is to give each other makeovers!" said Twilight. They got out the face mask and began plastering each other's faces.

"Hoooooooooold on just a consarned minute!" said Applejack, her brain practically shorting out from thinking too hard, "Why did ah hafta wipe the mud off mah feet while y'all get to put mud on yer faces???"

"Because we don't want to get it on the floor" said Cassandra, putting slices of cucumber over her friends' eyes, "hence why we've put newspaper down and we're slathering it on our faces, not the bottoms of our hooves."

"I'd offer you a cucumber, but it might remind you of Braebrun" said Rarity. They burst out laughing. Applejack rolled her eyes,

"Why don't y'all just move on to th' next thing?"

"Okay then" said Twilight, "next is s'mores making."

"So you place the graham cracker perfectly on top, and voila!" said Rarity, finishing up her masterpiece of a s'more. It was decent but Cassandra did hers better.

"Why all th' fuss, ya just eat'em!" said Applejack. She snarfed down Rarity's s'more and burped loudly.

"Can we please just leave her outside?" moaned Rarity

"We're supposed to be cordial for Twilight" said Cassandra, "I know you don't have the godlike level of tolerance that I do, but try, ok?"

"For you, I would do anything" said Rarity.

"Time to play truth or dare!" said Twilight.

"Rarity, ah dare you ta ruin yer mane by goin' outside!" said Applejack. Rarity cursed under her breath, but obliged. A few seconds later she came back in, dripping wet and burning mad.

"Rarity, for what it's worth, I think you look really good with a wet mane." said Cassandra.

Rarity could hardly keep her balance after the adulation of getting complimented by Cassandra, "Y-you like it??? I can keep it wet all the time if you want. How about you show me just how much you like it?" she batted her lashes. and laid her head in Cassandra's lap.

"Later, you're dripping on me" said Cassandra, gingerly moving her friend's head, "for now, why don't you just dare her back in kind?"

Rarity grinned wickedly, "I have just the thing. Applejack I dare you to put on a frilly dress."

"Seriously, that's the worst you can think of?" said Twilight.

"Mah turn!" said Applejack. "Cassandra, ah dare you....." she trailed off, she couldn't think of any dare that would frighten the brave and beautiful Cassandra, so she decided to go with the next best thing, "ah dare you ta kiss me!"

"I use my 'Get Out of Dare Free' card." said Cassandra.

"What in tarnation? Ya don't get a 'Get Out of Dare Free' card!"

"It says I do right here in the rules" said Cassandra pointing to a passage in the slumber party book, "see? 'Get Out of Dare Free' card."

"Consarn it! Ah really wish ah knew how ta read. Fine, truth then. Would ya rather be holed up with us, or th' other three ponies?"

"The other three. What? Were you expecting that to be a hard question?"

"My turn" said Twilight, "Rarity, I dare you to eat Applejack's apple pie."

"I would darling, but I don't think there's any left after Braeburn had his fill."

"Screw you" said Applejack.

"Not for all the tea in China. Anyway it's my turn. Applejack."

"Truth."

"If you could have a one night stand with anypony-

"Cassandra!"

"BESIDES Cassandra, who would it be?"

"Hmm, that is a doozy... ah guess ah'd choose Button's Mom."

Cassandra whacked Applejack in the back of the head, "what the fuck is wrong with you? She's a married woman!" The others agreed.

A clap of thunder rang out, startling them.

"Ah've had just about enough o' this storm!" said Applejack irately. She picked up a twelve-foot metal pole, "ah'm gonna go out there and teach that storm a lesson!"

"I gather this isn't the first pole you've handled today" snarked Rarity

"Shut up Rarity." She slammed the door behind her. The others watched through the window as she jabbed and poked at the clouds.

"Hey Rarity, stop being anal-retentive" said Cassandra, remembering they had an educational quota to fill.

"Ok, thank you for teaching me this lesson." said Rarity

A peal of thunder & lighting pierced the air, electrocuting Applejack.

"What say we quit while we're ahead and turn in for the night?" said Cassandra, exhibiting her typical level of genius. The others agreed of course.

"I should tell you" said Twilight, "I only have one guest bed, so I'll have to cast a duplication sp- OW!" Rarity had jabbed her in the side. "I mean, there's no duplication spell so you two will have to share a bed."

"We'll make do." said Rarity.

Chapter 28: Family Appreciation Day

Once a year, Cassandra had to go restore world order with magic. The town was despondent because it meant she had to go away for a few days, but they dug deep and found ways to get through it, difficult as it was. One weird after-effect of Cassandra's magic was the zap apples growing on Sweet Apple Acres.

Granny Smith and Applebloom were hopping around the watering cans in bunny costumes while singing the alphabet song. Applejack sat out because she had trouble remembering all 26 letters and what order they came in. Filthy Rich and Diamond Tiara stopped by.

"Hello Mrs. Smith, how are you?" said Filthy Rich, "I'm here for my one hundred jars of zap apple jam"

"Er.. come again?" asked Granny Smith confusedly.

"Ah made a deal with Filthy Rich, wherein ah give him a hundred jars o' Zap Apple jam at an enormous volume discount." explained Applejack proudly.

"That's a terrible deal!" exclaimed Granny Smith, "we have no problems selling all our jam at unit price! What'd ya do that for? Did ya get distracted 'cause you were thinkin' about expressin' some 'Family Appreciation' to Cousin Braeburn?"

Applejack was shocked, "Granny, how could ya say somethin' so vulgar?"

"Oh don't be a prude Applejack, everypony knows."

"It's true AJ, yer a real screamer" said Applebloom.

"Eeyup" said Big Mac

"Well anyways, Mr. Rich, ah think it goes without sayin', but this deal is null and void."

"I'll give you my daughter for fifty jars." offered Filthy Rich.

"What the hell, dad?"

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding. She's only worth ten."

"An' what're we supposed to do with her exactly?" asked Granny Smith, "she can't do any heavy lifting, and she's really rude to my Applebloom."

"She comes with some jewelry."

"Mr. Rich, th' two o' us are done conductin' business, so officially yer on mah property without an invitation and ah can legally shoot you."

The two rich ponies got the message and hurried away.

*****

It was Family Appreciation Day, and Cherilee's class was giving their Family Appreciation projects. DIamond Tiara Rich had brought in her father Filthy Rich to talk about his business,

"...my thousands of stores turned in record quarterly profits. so for the first time in years, I was able to buy my daughter all the expensive gifts she demanded, without going into debt. Any questions?"

"This is so fascinating, daddy" gushed Diamond Tiara.

"No, it isn't. Even your friend Silver Spoon doesn't think so." He nodded at the grey pony who was fast asleep.

"Class, on Monday it will be Applebloom's turn to bring in a family member," said Cherilee.

"Applejack an' Big Mac are busy, so ah don't got nopony to bring ta school." said Applebloom

"Yes she does" said Diamond Tiara haughtily, "she can bring in Granny Smith."

"And you wonder why everypony hates you." said Filthy Rich

"Oh wonderful Applebloom!" exclaimed the oblivious Cheeriliee, "Bring in Granny Smith on Monday."

*****

"AJ, how come ya never do nothin' when Diamond Tiara's pickin' on Applebloom?" said Granny Smith to Applejack.

"Ah, they're just jokin' around." insisted Applejack.

"Hey Appleblank!" said Diamond Tiara, "You'll never get your cutie mark, so why don't you just kill yourself? Are too much of a a coward, or can your family just not afford the bullet?"

"See? They're such jokers" chuckled Applejack. Granny Smith glared at her.

"Alright, alrgiht, ah'll step in." She yelled to Diamond Tiara, "HEY! Ah'll have ya know, we can afford enough bullets ta kill all ourselves if we wanted!" She turned to back to Granny with a satisfied look, "Ah nipped that one in th' bud." Granny rolled her eyes.

*****

It was Monday, and Applebloom had failed to keep Granny Smith from coming to school.

"I can't wait to see how much she'll embarrass herself" snarked Silver Spoons

"Maybe if we're lucky she'll forget her entire story." said Diamond Tiara. They both laughed. Ignoring them, Granny Smith began with her sepia-toned story

"Long ago, ah founded Ponyville with a few other members of mah family. We invented the Zap Apples and set up shop in Ponyville. Ponies came from all over to taste our Zap Apple jam. In fact, it was so good that most of 'em uprooted their entire lives and moved here. But that's not th' best part. Th' best part is, ah knew Cassandra!" The class gasped. After they settled down, she continued,

"You see, about ten years later, Cassandra saved my life from Timberwolves and ah was so grateful that ah gave her her first ever session of parctice kissin'. Ah was quite th' looker back in th' day. We was gonna name this town Cassandraville, but she insisted we give it a more inclusive name so that th' other ponies didn't get jealous."

The students were moved to tears by Granny Smith's story, but mostly because of Cassandra's humility. Diamond Tiara was still seething

"But she's a weird old lady!"

"Tiara, ah've had just about enough o' yer shit! Ah may be old and ah may be weird, but that don't mean ah can't kick yer ass!" She pulled out a beehive, "Get'er Beeatrice!!!" She threw the beehive at Diamond Tiara, and instantly a swarm of bees surrounded her, stinging relentlessly. She screamed in pain as the infinite stings entered all parts of her body, each one hurting more than the last. She begged for mercy, but the bees were so moved by Granny Smith's kindness from earlier that they were willing to lay down their lives at her command. When the cloud finally cleared, Tiara was swelled up like a zeppelin, her eyes and mouth pressed shut.

"I don't think I can breathe" she choked out.

"Nopony likes a whiner" scolded Cherilee

"Wow Granny, that was so cool!" gushed Applebloom, "ah can't believe ah thought about bringin' in Applejack over you. Ah'm sorry."

"That's all right honeybun. Mah name is Granny Smith, it's mah job ta know if two of mah grandchildren are canoodlin' with each other, or if mah granddaughter is gettin' picked on. Doin' somethin' like stretchin' th' truth on a story ta impress yer friends ain't nothin' but a day's work. Honesty is th' least important Element after all."

"So how much o'that story was true?"

"Ponyville was founded over 500 years ago, and ah sure as shootin' ain't 500 years old. But ah was quite th' looker back in th' day." She winked at the camera.

Author's Note

Next time: Book 1 finale.

Chapter 29: The Gala (season finale)

The night of the Grand Galloping Gala had finally arrived, and the ponies were raring to go. But Pinkie's fourth wall breaking powers had detected a problem.

"Uh-oh, the episode's two minutes short."

"How is that possible?" said Cassandra who could also break the fourth wall, and do it better than Pinkie Pie, "We've already padded it out with three songs! Did you let Applejack into the writers' room again?"

"Don't you worry Cassandra, I learned my lesson from last time. In fact I found the script to Feeling Pinkie Keen 2 under her bed, and disposed of it promptly."

"That's a good girl. Now let me have a look at this ep, and I'll see what I can do." She flipped through the pages and came up with a solution in 2 seconds; uncharacteristically slow for her, "It drops us at the gala immediately, maybe we could talk about how we get there."

"That's easy-peasy!" said PInkie Pie, "we just take the train to Canterlot! Buuuuut what if I blew up the train station so that we had to find some other way?"

"I can't always tell if you're being serious, so just to be safe I'll make it clear: Do not blow up the train station."

*****

"...so I've transformed this apple into a carriage and we can ride it to Canterlot." said Twilight, "thanks Cassandra for the spell idea."

"You know, I've never done it in the backseat of a carriage" said Rarity to Cassandra batting her eyelashes.

"I'll be sitting up front then. Nothing personal, I just have a headache." said Cassandra

*****

"I can't believe we're finally here. Now I'll give you all some advice to ensure that this is The Best Night Ever!" Cassandra broke into song,

"At the Gala (at the gala)"

First she turned to Fluttershy,
"At the gala, with a ticket, that you didn't need at all
Dresses ruined, from the grass stains at the gala (At the gala)
You might think that, you're an expert, on the creatures big and small.
But they're still just fickle critters, strangers at the gala (at the gala)
(Realistic dreams come true, right here at the gala, at the gala)"

Then Applejack
"At the gala, (for the nobles) you've severely (not surprising), missed the mark on apple treats (one-trick pony).
Food is free here (all-inclusive), I'm predicting (very likely), you will suffer a defeat (sales are flat)
And even if you sell out, you'll fall short at the gala (At the gala.)
(All your food's horrible, you charge way too little, all you'll make is pocket change, right here at the gala, at the gala)"

Then Rarity
"At the gala, you're deluded, if you seek matrimony.
All you'll get is one-night stands here at the gala (At the gala)
Flash decisions, over marriage, don't end real well usually,
You will go home disappointed, tonight at the gala
(This is what we've waited for to have thee best night ever, six dumb ponies we don't need, right here at the gala. At the gala.)"

There was an epic trumpet solo, then she addressed Dash,
"They've been waiting for a night off, from being public figures
The Wonderbolts they're truly sick, of you fangirls from the sticks
They're here as partygoers, not for your entertainment.
So don't make them talk business all night at the Gala. (At the gala)"

She looked PInkie right in the eye
"I am here at the grand gala, for it is the best party,
but the one thing that could ruin it stands right in front of me.
For you are the worst at manners, prose, and common courtesy,
Keep your eyes down, and your mouth shut, you might survive the Gala.
(Classiness is crucial at the gala. At the gala)"

And finally to Twilight,
"At the Gala, with the princess, you'll stand all silently,
You're the only one who wants to, have a chat with royalty
And yes that was sarcastic, in case you didn't catch the subtlety."

Into the gala we must go,
You're prudent and you're in the know
Into the gala don't fuck up, we'll have the best night ever.
In the gala now's the time
I hope you don't ignore my rhyme

"Can we sing too?" interjected Twilight.

"No."

*****

The six less-interesting members of the Mane 7 had decided to ignore Cassandra's advice and do their own thing. Cassandra, being the selfless pony she was, monitored them closely to make sure they didn't embarrass themselves, and her by proxy. She decided to deal with Pinkie pre-emptively

"Pinkie, do you want to play a game?"

"Do I???"

"Ok, let's play sit at this table quietly. It may sound like a cheap ploy to keep Auntie Cassandra from having to deal with you all night, but it is a game."

"Alright! Game!" She sat down at the table and stared off into space.

"Nice job. Now I have to go talk to my friend of many years Octavia about some IOU's on practice kissing, you keep playing."

*****

"Hey Applejack, how goes the sales?"

"Great! Ah sold an apple pie already!"

"A whole pie?" said Cassandra, genuinely impressed, "Not bad. How much were you charging per slice?"

"Slice? Ah sold th' entire thing fer two bits."

"Aaaand it's gone." Cassandra facehoofed. "Applejack, I hate to say this, but your best bet is probably to burn down this stand and collect the insurance money."

"What's insurance?"

"Right, I'm gonna walk away now."

"There's always money in th' apple stand."

"You're not worthy of using that reference." Cassandra was right, as usual.

*****

Soarin was about to drop his apple pie, when a light blue pegasus dashed out and saved it with her supersonic speed. It was the awesome Cassandra.

"Hey thanks for saving my pie" said Soarin, "I needed it in one piece to get a refund."

"No problem" said Cassandra.

"Hey Cassandra, long time no see," purred Spitfire, "I see you've been keeping your muscles toned." She made no effort to conceal her wingboner.

"Yes yes" said Cassandra dismissively. She pulled Dash into the frame "Dash, meet Spitfire, Spitfire meet Rainbow Dash."

"The wonderbolts!" said Rainbow Dash, "Ohmigoshohmigoshhmigosh!!! I can't believe you know them!"

"Yeah, I completed their training and became five star general. but I got bored of it. You two have fun."

"Aren't you going to stay?" asked Dash

"Cassandra" whispered Spitfire, "I'm not wearing anything under my flightsuit."

"No Dash, I think I'll go somewhere else."

*****

"Hiya Rarity, looks like somepony got first pick of stallions."

"This is my future husband, Prince Blueblood." said Rarity.

"I don't think that's going to happen." said Cassandra

"Oh, I see." Rarity winked, "You're saying I need to show some skin, to seduce him."

"That's not-"

"What am I saying? We don't normally wear clothes... so if I want to be sexy, I need to put more clothes on!" She threw on a scarf, a huge hat, and a baggy sweater. Cassandra was going to object, but then thought better of it,

"No." she said to herself, "she has to learn on her own."

*****

"Hey Twilight, you haven't broken anything, have you?"

"Nope, just been standing here shaking hooves with ponies. Why don't you go mingle?"

"I have to keep a close watch on the other ponies so that they don't screw up."

"Cassandra, aren't you supposed to be the Element of Trust? Why don't you trust that your friends can go five minutes without embarrassing themselves?"

"You're right Twilight, I will."

*****

The six ponies looked downcast in shame. Cassandra had rounded them all up in Pony Joe's shop and was chewing them out,

"Do you have any idea how much you all embarrassed yourselves? And me, because I have to be associated with all of you! This was supposed to be a nice event!"

"We could make it up to you with practice kissing" suggested Rarity

"You're god damn right there'll be practice kissing! You won't be able to feel your lips for a week! And Rainbow, since you get turned on by me being rough, I'm going to purposely restrain my anger around you!"

"Aw" said Rainbow.

"Now I'm going to go salvage the Gala, and I'm locking all of you in here so that you can't cause any more damage." Celestia raised her hoof

"Cassandra, I don't mind that they wrecked the gala."

"I know, Tia. That's why I'm locking you in here too."

And so, Cassandra went and fixed the gala with one swoop of her perfect mane, and socialized with the other high-class ponies, in restrained manner so that they didn't get jealous of her being the classiest pony at the party. They were all wowed by her humility, and begged her to retake her position on the throne, but she wowed them with her humility a second time when she declined. Later on, she ran into Prince Blueblood.

"Hello. I am Prince Blueblood, and I.... I...."

"What's the matter?"

"I don't know. I have this feeling like I want you to be my date for the night, only I want to pay for apple fritters, use my cloak on spilled drinks, and apologize for treating your friends badly."

"That is called love, Blueblood. It seems I have broken through your ice-cold heart. Love is a feeling a of selflessness you get when making somepony happy is a reward on its own."

"I do not fully understand, Cassandra, but I want to make you... happy."

"You know what would make me really happy?"

Prince Blueblood and Soarin shared Cassandra in bed. The Mane 6 realized that they were happiest with each other, so they laughed and had a good time with Princess Celestia. Applejack choked on a donut and died. Truly it was the Best Night Ever.

END OF VOLUME 1

Author's Note

To be clear, this is not the end of the Cassandra Chronicles, just a benchmark; 30 stories (if you count the special) seems like a neat and tidy bookend, and the Season 1 finale blew me away so much that I couldn't resist making it my own season finale. Keep that follow on me so you don't miss my next story.

Chapter 30: Pets

The ponies went to the park for a Pony Pet playdate, although each owner just played with their own pet, which kind of defeated the purpose. Rainbow Dash's very pleasurable dream about Cassandra was cut short by all the pets' noise.

"Sorry for waking you" said Twilight.

"Say Cassandra, why don't you have a pet?" asked Rarity.

"What you mean an unintelligent companion that requires constant attention? I have six of those already."

"Hey, y'all wanna hear th' story of how ah met Winona?" asked Applejack

"Not particularly" said Cassandra.

*****

A slightly younger Applejack was walking by a pet shop when she spotted a cute looking border collie in a window display. She decided she had to have it, so she went into the pet store and flagged down the manager, the cherry salesman from Putting Your Hoof Down. "'scuse me mister?" She broke into song,

♪ ♫How much is that doggie in the window?
The one with the waggety tail?
Ah know that that doggie has a pricetag.
And ah tried to read it but failed.♪ ♫

"It's five thousand bits." said the manager

"That seems awful steep for a dog"

"Well dat's what it says on da pricetag."

"Alrighty then. Ah'll take yer word for it."

*****

"And ah was so moved by his honesty that ah decided to become th' Element of Honesty." finished Applejack.

"I have decided that I want to get a pet" said Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy perked up,

"I knew you would Rainbow Dash! I'm so excited!" They flew to Fluttershy's place where she showed Rainbow Dash all of the critters. Cassandra came too to help Rainbow make her decision. Rainbow Dash picked out a dozen suitable candidates, and informed them that they would have to go through a gauntlet of tests to be her pet.

"I'm surprised they're putting up with her BS" remarked Twilight, forgetting that coarse language shouldn't be used in polite company.

"It's elementary, really" said Cassandra, "they're disappointed that they don't get to be my pet, but being Rainbow Dash's personal companion is just one degree of separation from me."

"Your knowledge is like a vast and endless ocean" gushed Twilight, stars in her eyes.

"I know" said Cassandra.

"What a guy" said Twilight.

"Alright listen up!" said Rainbow Dash to the pets, "only one of you can be my pet, so I need to find out who. Speed! Agility! Style! Coolness! Awesomeness! And radicalness! None of you are Cassandra, but if you have those qualities, then you might just come close!"

"Aren't those all the same words?" said Twilight

"You'd think so" said Dash, "and that's why you could never be my pet. Cassandra though...." she gave a mischievous smile.

"Not gonna happen." said Cassandra.

"Worth a try." They moved on to the first challenge, which was laps around a track. The flamingo tripped and fell and got a small scrape.

"Eep!" squeaked Fluttershy, "I hate blood!" Luckily for her, Cassandra was there to bandage the bird and make him all better. "You are the best animal doctor in Ponyville, and probably all of Equestria."

"Oh it's just one of my few talents" said Cassandra modestly.

"What a guy" said Fluttershy.

"Next is the radicalness contest. Show me as much radicalness as you can." said Dash. All the pets pointed at Cassandra. "Come on guys, this won't work if you all tie. Ok, show me the second-most radicalness you can" So reluctantly, they demonstrated radicalness in different ways.

*****

After a series of contests, Rainbow had it narrowed it down to a few finalists. "And now for the last challenge" she said, "A race through Ghastly Gorge. Dramatic Music Sting."

The pets lined up at the starting line, along with the tortoise, at Fluttershy's insistence. "Ready, set go!" cried Rainbow Dash, and she took off, giving herself a head start. The pets took off as fast as they could, but they struggled to keep up. They flew through the thorns, past the dangerous eels, and into the avalanche zone. Rainbow went through brazenly, but a falling rock pinned her in place, unbeknownst to the rest of the pets. Cassandra, who had a feeling that Dash's recklessness would endanger someone's life, was watching from afar. She spotted Rainbow Dash's distress, and hurried to rescue her. As she neared the rock slide, something caught her eye

"Oh, what's this?" she ducked behind a rock. The tortoise was approaching, and it was looking at Rainbow Dash concernedly. It spotted Cassandra and gave her a curious look. "Don't worry little guy, I won't steal your thunder" whispered Cassandra. She felt bad about prolonging Rainbow Dash's suffering by letting the less-than-expedient animal do the work, but sacrifices had to be made so that ponies didn't get jealous of Cassandra's heroism.

After 3 hours, the tortoise made it to Rainbow Dash and lifted the boulder, freeing her, He carried her to the finish line. The ponies cheered when they saw she was safe.

"The falcon won the race, Rainbow Dash" said Fluttershy, "so he's your new pet."

"Awesome!" said Dash, "I've always wanted a falcon!"

"Now hold on just a second" said Cassandra, "this tortoise has gone out of his way to earn your affection, even saving your life after you treated him so cruelly. Don't you think he's the more deserving?"

"By Celestia, you're right Cassandra!" said Dash, "tortoise, I want you to be my loving companion. Now what should I call you? You're green, slow, but powerful like a military vehicle... I got nothing."

"How about Tank?" suggested Cassandra.

"Yeah, Tank, that's it! Tank, I hereby declare you, Rainbow Dash's (that's me) awesome new pet."

Tank looked at Cassandra, and Cassandra looked at Tank. The tortoise could not speak, but from his expression, it was plain to see what he would say if he could... "What a guy."

Author's Note

So a little explanation: I'm relatively new to this site, and I thought that making a "Volume 2" was the thing to do around here. Judging by the viewcount on Vol. 2 I'm guessing I was wrong. So, here's what I've decided, I'll continue writing "Chronicles" here and the 5 chapters in the other book will be "extras." Do check out these extras if you haven't, there's some good stuff, like a proper look at the Equestria Girls movie.

Chapter 31: Hearts and Hooves Day

It was Hearts and Hooves Day in Ponyville, and everypony was thinking about love, especially the foals of Cheerilee's class.

One filly in particular was looking to capitalize on this day to make a stunning confession. "H-h-hey DT" said Silver Spoons, nervously fidgeting with her glasses "I, uh got you something..." She was hiding a box of chocolates behind her back.

"Ooh! Let me go first!" said a peppy Diamond Tiara, "I got you a Rubik's cube. It's a platonic solid, in honor of our platonic friendship.

Silver Spoon's face fell, but she tried to be enthusiastic, "I love things that are multi-faced hard to figure out!"

"I know you do! So what's my present?"

"It's a box of chocolates. Oh and look, the box is a platonic solid too, because I knew about the whole platonic thing."

"Aww you shouldn't have!" said Tiara sweetly. To herself she muttered, "wonder how much more free stuff I can get before I have to put out?"

The Cutie Mark Crusaders had made a paper heart for Cheerilee, their favorite teacher in the whole world. They had followed Cassandra's advice to the letter - "don't let Sweetie Belle or Scootaloo lay a hoof on it" - and consequentially it was the most beautiful perfect heart that any foal in the history of the world had ever made.

"So Cheerilee, who's your very special somepony?" asked Sweetie Belle.

"I don't have one" said Cheerliee.

"You don't?" exclaimed a surprised Scootaloo

"But yer the best teacher ever!" pointed out Applebloom, "an' Big Mac said you were a really good floral Hawaiian necklace."

Cheerilee blushed, 'the occasional dalliance does not a special somepony make, girls. Remember that when you get older."

"Ah don't know what all those words mean but ah will." said Applebloom..

After school got out for the day, the Cutie Mark Crusaders made it their mission to play cupid. But it proved to be harder than first expected, the stallions of Ponyville, to put it bluntly, left much to be desired.

"How about Caramel?" suggested Scootaloo.

"Nah, Rarity says grass seeds aren't the only seeds he loses too easily." said Sweetie Belle,

"Wait, what?" said Caramel's girlfriend.

"How about that old guy with the pipe cutie mark?" suggested Sweetie Belle.

"Granny Smith said he was too smart ta be gold-digged, whatever that means." said Applebloom. "How about Button?"

"HIIISSSSSSSS" snarled Sweetie Belle, startling the other two, "that is to say, he may be a little too young for her."

"Maybe?" asked Scootaloo, "so the door's open for hooking her up with one of our classmates? How about Twist? Nerds and teachers are like peanut butter and chocolate, aren't they?"

"HEY!" said Twist, "nerdism ithn't ok, dethpite The Big Bang Theory making a mockery of my people. It'th worse than a minthrel show!" She pulled out a Bazinga t-shirt, lit it on fire, and ran away screaming "Thuck on it, Lorre!!!"

The cutie mark crusaders stared dumbfoundedly at the scene they had just witnessed, until Sweetie Belle broke the silence,
"So in review, our choices are Snips, Snails, and Big Mac. Big Mac, then?"

"ah bet ah'll get outta doin' mah homework!" exclaimed Applebloom

The three fillies stopped by Twilight's house to get a book on Hearts and Hooves Day.

"Oh sure you can have the book, girls! I'm so happy to see you reading!" said Twilight gleefully, but then she paused. "Wait, this book tells you how to make some very powerful potions with very simple directions. You're not going to do anything dangerous with it, are you?"

"Not intentionally" said Sweetie Belle.

"I really should ask more questions," said Twilight, "but on the other hoof, there's only 8 hours, 45 minutes, and 22 seconds of H&H left and I haven't gotten any. Bye!" She galloped away muttering to herself, "Dammit, why do I keep thinking 'royal guard, blue mane?' Next family gathering's gonna be real, real awkward."

The Cutie Mark Crusaders sat in their clubhouse reading the Hearts and Hooves Day book.

"Hey look at this" said Scootaloo, "apparently this holiday used to be called Heats and Horns Day. I wonder why they changed it?"

"Ah'd better take th' driver's seat on this one" said Applebloom, snatching the book away, and flipping through it. "Here it is, a love potion. Now we just gotta get a cloud tuft, a pegasus feather an' a rainbow."

"Pegasi for the win!!!" exclaimed Scootaloo, as they gathered the ingredients, mostly thanks to her.

"Now we just gotta get Cherilee and Big Mac ta drink it."

So Cheerilee and Big Mac did drink it, and they started acting all mushy and weird.

"Eeew, that's the most disturbing thing I've ever seen two ponies in love do!" remarked Scootaloo. They rushed back to the clubhouse, where they discovered Applebloom's grave error.

"Applebloom. you dodo!" exclaimed Sweetie Belle, "this says love poison!"

"What are you, a spellcheck?" said Scootaloo.

"Well ah ain't a dodo!" said Applebloom, "Granny Smith said ah was th' best reader in th' entire Apple Family!" The other two looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "...oh, right, ah get it now, 'big fish in a little pond' an' all that."

Sweetie Belle took another look at the page, "It says here, that if we can get the two of them to be separated for an hour, the spell will be broken. So all we have to do is dig a pit and trap one of them inside."

So they went to town square and dug a deep, deep hole.

"Huh, this is kinda dangerous, somepony could get hurt if they fell down there." remarked Applebloom.

"Well then let's get a mattress or something to cushion the fall" suggested Scootaloo.

"Should we fill in the hole first?"

"Nah, it should be fine. It's 12-foot cube, you'd have to be pretty stupid not to see it."

So the three of them went to get a mattress, and as they were about to throw it down, Scootaloo noticed something,

"Uhh guys, we have a problem." Down at the bottom of the pit was a dead Applejack, who had fallen into the pit because she was a clumsy pony.

"Ah think we may be in over our heads" said Applebloom, "we need help from th' one positive role model we have."

"Cassandra?" said the other two

"That goes without sayin'."

The CMC knocked on Cassandra's door.

"No visitors on Hearts and Hooves day." called Cassandra.

"Come on Cassandra" begged Applebloom, "It's an emergency."

"Applebloom? Oh, it's just you and your friends." They heard the sound of the door unlocking, and moments later it opened. "Sorry to be standoffish. Come in, have some tea." said Cassandra, "Hearts and Hooves Day is a very difficult time, I get hundreds of estrous stallions and mares throwing themselves at me. At least I don't have to worry about that with you three."

"We never promised that" said Sweetie Belle.

"Cassandra, we made a love potion, but it turned out to be a love poison!" said Scootaloo, "now Big Mac and Cheerilee are hopelessly in love! What should we do?"

"You should come to me earlier in these situations."

"We know" said the three, with their heads hung low.

"But you were just trying to make sure she wouldn't be alone today, and that is a selfless act, so I will help you." Cassandra could perform magic despite being a pegasus, so she cast the counter-spell to the love poison. "Now girls, I want you to always remember, Cheerilee is sweet and kind. She's the best teacher you could hope for."

"Yer right Cassandra" said Applebloom, starstruck by Cassandra's words of wisdom, "she don't need our help, she's only 25, she'll meet somepony special on'er own."

Cassandra stifled a guffaw, spitting out her tea into her cup "25...? No no, it's fine, if she needs to stretch the truth to feel confident about herself, then that's fine. Anyway, give me the rest of the love poison."

"Umm yeah, about that..." said Sweetie Belle sheepishly, "we kinda lost track of it."

"Well then you'd better track it down. I'd help, but there's a much more serious issue - Cheerilee needs somepony to keep her company on Hearts and Hooves, and I'm the mare for the job.

Cassandra went to Cheerilee's house.

"Cassandra!" exclaimed Cheerilee, "how did you know I wanted to spend Hearts and Hooves Day with you?"

"I'm just smart like that."

"Wow Cassandra, I wish I was as smart as you. Let's snuggle together by the fireplace and see where the night takes us." Cassandra didn't like being tied down to one mare like that, but she bravely took one for the team.

Silver Spoons knocked on Diamond Tiara's door.

"Oh, um hi Silver Spoon" said Diamond Tiara dismissively, "I'm kinda busy right now, can this wait till Monday?"

"I got you another Hearts and Hooves gift, I guess it could wait, but-"

"Oh no no, I totally respect following tradition, now gimme."

"I got you some liquor." she said, holding up a bottle of bright pink liquid, fizzing with heart-shaped bubbles, "there isn't much, but...

"You're right, there's only enough for one pony. Down the hatch!" She snatched away the bottle and chugged it down. "By the way, I hope you weren't expecting another gift, because I didn't get you anything."

"Oh, but I think you will give me something I want... shmoopy-doopy."

Chapter 32: The Comic Book

The Mane 7 were at the Castle of the Two sisters, restoring the place to make it look nice. All of them had a job to do, but Cassandra's was by far the most strenuous. She was restoring ancient statues without any descriptions to go by. In spite of this, she did all of them correctly. Because she was done a lot faster than everypony else, and because she always looked out for her friends, she decided to see if they needed any help.

"Hey Twilight, how's the book translation going?"

"Not too good."

"You mean 'not too well." corrected Cassandra.

"These books are in Japanese, which I don't speak. If only I knew somepony who did."

"But you do, Twilight-san."

"Gasp! Cassandra, you speak Japanese, don't you?"

"Hai," said Cassandra. "I learned from watching anime."

"You mean like Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh?"

Understandably, Cassandra wanted to retort with "No, you casual philistine!" but she held herself back, after all not everypony could be a real otaku like her. "Here, I'll teach you a few words. This word means 'pony' and this one means 'magic,' and this one..."

"Whoa, slow down," interjected Twilight, "nopony could learn that fast."

"I did, but I realize that everypony learns at a different pace. You practice those words, and I'll finish your translating."

After translating the books, she went to see how Spike was doing. Along the way she came across Applejack, who had somehow managed to get herself tangled up in a tapestry hanging on the wall

“Mmph” said Applejack, her voice muffled.

"Before you say anything, I don't want to know how this happened, and if I help you out, you'll never learn."

"Mmph" said Applejack, grateful for this valuable lesson.

"Hey kiddo, how's it going?" Cassandra asked Spike

After shaking the hearts out of his eyes, he said, "I feel so useless. I can't carry as much as the ponies, and I'm always dropping things." He dropped some paint cans and rollers.

"That's not true, Spike. You can bake, you keep Twilight safe & sane, and you communicate with the Princess."

"Thanks Cassandra. You always know just what to say. Hey, wanna see my comic book?"

"Sure. It wouldn't happen to be the Power Ponies, would it?"

"How'd you know?"

"You strike me as a dragon of sophisticated tastes"

"Aw shucks" blushed Spike, "hey look, there's a message here." He didn't have Level 99 vision like Cassandra, so he got out a magnifying glass to read it, "You can return to the place you started when the Mane-iac is defeated. Take a closer look to join the adventure in this book.”

Suddenly, a magic vortex opened up and sucked them all in!

They looked around at their surroundings. They were in a city with huge skyscrapers and a lingering darkness. All of them except Cassandra were wearing weird costumes.

"Cassandra, where are we?" asked Twlight

"I'll let Spike explain" said Cassandra generously.

"We're in the Power Ponies comic book, Maretropolis" said Spike, and you six are the Power Ponies. Rainbow Dash is Zapp with the powers of nature."

"Aw yeah!"

Pinkie is Fillysecond with super speed. Rarity is Radiance with the power of creating things. Twilight is Matterhorn, with the power to do a variety of spells."

"I'll just do ice" said the unimaginative alicorn.

"Fluttershy" said Spike, "has super strength, but she needs to get angry to use it"

"Oh dear" said Fluttershy, "I guess I could be the team doctor or something."

"Well, that's great," moaned Twilight, "that's like if Applejack's power worked with brain and not brawn". Cassandra and Spike looked at each other uneasily.

"So which of the power ponies are you, Spike?" asked Pinkie. Spike looked at his costume and his face fell, "I'm Humdrum," he sighed. "The useless one."

"Hey at least you got a part" said Cassandra. The only new clothing she had acquired was a nametag that read, "Scared Bystander #3."

"I don't get it" said Rarity, who said that phrase a lot.

"There are only seven roles and eight of us." Cassandra sighed, "who'd want to read a story about me anyway?"

"Oh Cassandra, don't say that" said Fluttershy comfortingly.

"Yeah, I don't read many books" said Rainbow Dash, "but if there was one about you, it'd be the most awesomest ever!"

"Probably a romance novel" said Rarity seductively.

"One thing's for sure," said Twilight, "it would be the best book ever, because you're the best friend, and the best pony!"

"Hey, thanks you guys" said Cassandra. They had a group hug. From below there came a maniacal laugh that could only belong to the nerfafious Mane-iac.

“AHAHAHAAHA!!! First I will steal this orb from the museum. Then, I will figure out the Power Ponies’ secret identities, and then, I will rule the world!!!!”

One of the younger henchponies turned to an older one and whispered, “Is she serious about the secret identities thing? Because I’m pretty sure the Power Ponies were calling each other by their real names, and those costumes don’t even cover their coat color, or ma-”

“Unh-uh” cut in the older henchpony, “boss doesn’t like it when other ponies say the M word.”

“What, mane?”

“MANE????” shrieked the Mane-iac, grabbing the older henchpony with her hair tendrils and tossing him over the horizon. Then she turned to the younger henchpony, “YOU!!! Figure out why employee turnover is so high!!”

“Well, the fact that you keep killing them is probably the main reason...shit.”

“MANE???” She shrieked, grabbing a hot dog stand and crushing the henchpony with it.

“Stop right there, evildoer!” said Spike, “The Power Ponies are here to save the day!” But they all messed up their superpowers, and were unable to stop the Mane-iac.

“Hey, how come she don’t just use her hair thingies as a garotte?” wondered Applejack.

“What a good idea, Blunder Woman!” snarked the Mane-iac. She used her hair thingies as a garotte on Applejack. “I’m in a hurry now, but the rest of you shall suffer the same fate in due time! AHAHAHAHAH!!!!!”

The five remaining Power Ponies trailed her to her top secret shampoo factory.

“C’mon out, Mane-iac!” demanded Rainbow.

“MANE????” the doors were blasted right off their hinges and the Mane-iac and her henchmen attacked.

“Look out for the hairspray!” said Spike, “It’ll freeze you and take away your powers.”

“Then our best plan of action is to charge right at her!” declared Twilight. So they did, and they all got frozen. Cassandra, who had the good sense not to charge straight in, was safe, as was Spike.

“Nopony’s downfall has ever come from underestimating their enemy” explained the Mane-iac.

“Well now what?” said Spike, “All the ponies with power are kidnapped.”

“That’s not true” said Cassandra, “you have a great power too, the power of being underestimated. It’s like in Survivor, none of them think you’re a threat, so none of them will go after you. Even if you haven’t got a chance of actually winning the million, well, a hundred thousand isn’t a bad consolation prize.”

Tears welled up in Spike’s eyes, “you’ve restored my confidence Cassandra, thank you! I can save my friends, and I will!”

Cassandra used her level 99 sneaking skills to help Spike get through the vents and infiltrate the factory where their friends were being held hostage. Down on the floor below, two fabulous henchponies were taking a cigarette break.

"I get ponies making assumptions about me all the time," said one, "they think I like wearing makeup and hair products, and I gotta tell 'em that no in fact I like mares, I just wear the uniform I have to to pay the bills."

"I hear that," said the other, "the other day I was chatting up this chick from Manehattan, and-"

"MANE????" Screamed the Mane-iac.

"Uh, n-no boss, I said 'pain."

"GOOD! That’s a good word to have in your VOCABULARY!!!!” She slunk away.

“Phew” said the henchpony, “that was- AUGH!” The Mane-iac had re-appeared in front of their faces.

“THIS IS A NON-SMOKING AREA!!!!!” she snuffed out their cigarettes with her hair tendrils.

From up on the balcony, Spike asked Cassandra, “what are we going to do?”

“I’m going to save the day.”

“But how? You don’t have any superpowers.”

“I’m going to save the day, without superpowers.”

“GASP!” said Spike, “that’s not possible!”

“Just watch.” She gracefully floated down to the floor, and immediately drop-kicked two evil henchponies. The rest charged at her, but she dodged, and they slammed into each other. She conjured up a cage spell and trapped one inside. Then, they pulled out their fabulous weapons, but Cassandra disarmed them expertly. They realized they didn’t stand a chance, so they tried to retreat through the exit door, but it was locked.

“Oh dear, that’s a serious OSHA violation” said the Mane-iac, grabbing the key with her hair tendrils and unlocking the door, “but I trust that all of you will stay loyally by my side, even if given the option to abandon me in time of need.”

“Sorry boss, but you thought wrong. We’re gettin’ out of here with whatever dignity remains.”

“MANE?????” but before she could go into an outburst, Cassandra used her level 99 agility to grab the Mane-iac’s tentacles and tie her up. Realizing that she stood no match against the might of Cassandra, she accepted her fate.

“To be defeated by such a beautiful pony, and a civillian no less. I don’t suppose there’s any chance I could offer some practice kissing for a reduced sentence?”

“Sorry sweetie, but I get plenty and more from the adult section at Enchanting Comics. Now, no ordinary jail cell can hold you, so I’ve got something better in mind.” She hauled the Mane-iac to an echo chamber and locked her inside.

“You haven’t seen the last of the Mane-iac!” cackled the Mane-iac.

“the Mane-iac!” said her echo

“MANE???”

MANE???

“MANE???????”

MANE??????

“STOP SAYING MANE!!!!”

“STOP SAYING MANE!!!!”

“YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR INSOLENCE, OR MY NAME ISN’T THE MANE-IAC!!!”

“THE MANE-IAC!!!”

“MANE?????”

Dear Princess Celestia,
Yeah, I’m still writing you letters in Season 4, deal with it. Captain Hammer put it best when he said, “Everyone’s a hero in their way. Everyone can blaze a hero’s trail. Don’t worry if it’s hard. If you’re not a friggin’ tard, you will prevail.” You don’t need superpowers or fancy gadgets to be a hero, you just need nerves of steel, and a passion for taking the law into your own hands. Now if you’ll excuse me, my Bat of Righteousness has an appointment with the evil Junebug Jaywalker’s kneecaps.
-Your faithful student…

“Spike, what are you doing in there?” called Cassandra, who was babysitting while Twilight was in one of her book-induced zen states.

“Uh, nothing” said Spike

“I have trouble believing that, considering you were dictating your letter out loud. Now give me the Bat of Righteousness.”

Spike sighed and handed it over, “I just wanted to save somepony.”

“But don’t you see Spike? You saved me from having to clean up one of your messes.”

"Thanks Cassandra, you've really lifted my spirits."

"Any time."

"So hey, what was that about the adult section at Enchanted Comics?"

And now it's my turn to be a hero and save your innocence, thought Cassandra. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Author's Note

I'm not dead, but I have started work and it's severely reduced my freetime. But fear not, I intend to continue "Cassandra" and my Pokemon stories in spite of this.

I'm really impressed with people who can make a story based on an episode not 24 hours after it airs.

Chapter 33: The Tardy Assignment

There comes a time in each mare's life, where they're faced grief and strife, and they need assistance from a hero.
Twilight's case was one most dire, lesser ponies would expire, but Cassandra saved the day in Lesson Zero.

"I see myself as quite the smarty, but I now risk being tardy," Twilight said, "by this I am quite shaken.
And Cassandra, it's well known, that your smarts surpass my own, thus I look to you to save my bacon.
To me you have been like a mentor, won't you help me find my center? Can I count on you to make it better?
I write the Princess every Tuesday, but it's been a barren newsday. She'll be disappointed if she doesn't get a letter."

Said Cassandra, "that sounds rough, but are you looking hard enough? Somepony somewhere always needs assistance.
Perhaps the lesson for today is that when things don't go your way, you must not give up easily, have persistence."

"You know, you're right," she said ecstatic, "our friends are always problematic, I bet one of them is in a bind."
"Shall we start with the dress mechanic? She's usually the first to panic."
Twilight said, "it's like you read my mind."

Rarity was moping around, her special ribbon couldn’t be found, (not surprising, she’s not very clever).
“If only I wasn’t such a slob, I’d be much better at my job, why I’d say this is just the worst thing ever.”

“But here it is” Cassandra said, “I found it with my level head, spitting your bit never serves you well.”
“Why you’re the best, and that is true, here’s a practice kissing IOU” said Rarity, “if you feel so compelled.”

"Well that was useless" Twilight groused, "let's get ourselves to Fluttershy's house, I bet she's scared and needs someone's support."
But she was rather disappointed, Fluttershy had been anointed with the strength to wrestle bears and giants of that sort.

"I suppose it's worth a mention, that I cured her apprehension" said Cassandra rather sheepishly. “To take my counsel I beseeched her, and It seems I'm quite the teacher, we just started training recently.
But here’s something to give a try: She was fighting, find out why, maybe in the process learn a lesson.”
“While that suggestion’s very nice, I’m disregarding your advice, and trying my luck with the one who wears a Smith and Wesson.”

*****

At the farm was quite the view, a one mare demolition crew, a barn being destroyed by Rainbow Dash.
“There is only one explanation! We have ourselves an altercation! Now I’ll teach them not to be so brash!
You see it’s just the perfect plan, I’ll end the fight, I know I can, and then I’ll ask them why they were at odds. And once they have their resolution, I’ll write about my contribution, why I am such a genius, by the gods!”

But Twilight she was sadly erring, this was but a mere red herring, Applejack as usual was no good.
“Ah couldn’t afford to hire labor, so ah asked a personal favor, and ah’m payin’ her in scraps of wood.”

****

“Cassandra, I’m so up the creek, I have no friendship report this week, I just know that I’ll get sent away.”
“Before you panic over school, take a look in this reflecting pool, you’ll see the face of someone who has learnt something today.”

Cassandra's guidance had been sound, but ultimately was let down by overestimating her friend's intellect.
She thought that Twilight Sparkle's mind, was highly trained and well refined, but soon she would be proven rather incorrect.

“Well that went right over my head, I can’t understand what you just said, it’s time for me to take a drastic measure.
I’ll cast a spell on Smarty Pants, put everypony in a trance and make them think that it’s a precious treasure.”

“Ignoring the fact that you haven’t tried Pinkie, that plan of yours sounds awful hinky, there’s a good chance of it all ending in tears.
You can cast the “Want it Need it,” but do you know how to delete it? This may sound crazy but I don’t think it’s one of your best ideas.”

“Cassandra you got one thing right, it does sound crazy - that I might, not have considered all the consequences.”
She grabbed her doll and then departed, ‘tween the trees and shrubs she darted, looking to drop somepony’s defenses.

From her hideout in a tree, she spied a group of fillies three, “very soon, they’ll play into my hand!
Other two and Sweetie Belle, you will do just as I tell, fight over this doll, that’s my command!”

She started on her plan most ghastly, but Cassandra, she steadfastly, swooped in just in time to save the day.
“I’ve trusted you for long enough, now’s the time for getting tough, I’m here to make the problem go away.
That spell is quite well known to me, I emanate it naturally, it truly is a heavy cross to bear.
Ponies fight for my affection, and they all defy rejection, there’s no darkness in the world that can compare.”

Cassandra cast the counterspell, and just like that all was well. She couldn’t help but smirk, “that was too easy.”
She pointed to an odd book shelf, said “Tia please reveal yourself, you were planning something very sleazy.”

The Princess faded into view, said “what Cassandra says is true, I’d formed a plan that went through much refinement. To talk yourselves into a trap, then declare that all you saps, had been roped into my friendship assignment...."

"...but Cassandra was too smart, because of her it fell apart.” Twilight had a sudden inspiration, “that’s really cool, but even better, I’m ready to write my friendship letter, so here it goes with no more hesitation.”

“Dear Princess Celestia, I’m doing fine, thanks to a certain friend of mine, I guess you could call her an overachiever.
She said she could solve everything, she said I should stop worrying, and I was such a fool to not believe her.
So dashing and brave, and so gallant, amazing one pony could have so much talent, she could even be the nation’s matriarchal.
Cassandra’s the best friend for which I could ask, and I’m glad she helped me on this task

Sincerely, your faithful student
-Twilight Sparkle."

Author's Note

I took the coverart from my "extras" story because I liked it so much that it needed more exposure.

Chapter 34: The Scary Story

The Scary Story

Cassandra was in her house, enjoying a nice cup of fancy tea and the latest Japanese anime import. The rest of Ponyville would have to wait for the subtitled version to come out before they could enjoy it, but not Cassandra, for she was fluent in Japanese. Suddenly, there came a knock at her door. It was Sweetie Belle, carrying a bunch of complex-looking graphs and pie charts.

“Cassandra, I have a problem.”

“Well then I’m glad you came to me. Come in, have some pocky, what’s on your mind?”

“Applebloom and Scootaloo are going camping with their big sisters, or big sister figures. And while Rainbow Dash loves the outdoors and sleeping in trees, and Applejack is a dirty mudpony who enjoys squalor…”

“Sweetie, please that’s no way to talk about your friend's sister.” It was true, though.

“...my sister Rarity hates roughing it, so I need you, the adult I trust the most, to fill in for her. In exchange...” she pointed to her graphs, “I am prepared to offer three and a half sessions of practice kissing, which, based on market research is a highly competitive and equitable fee.”

“Sweetie Belle, you don’t need to bribe me with gifts, I do favors for ponies out of the goodness of my heart. So of course I’ll go.”

“Oh, thank you Cassandra!” squeaked Sweetie Belle, giving her sister-figure a tackle hug.

The three fillies and two adult mares climbed the mountain. Applejack was having a good day, she only fell down seventy times. While getting up from her seventy-first, she spotted something interesting

“Hey look y’all! Mushrooms!”

“Are they safe ta eat?” wondered Applebloom

“Now Applebloom, what’ve ah always said?”

“Never question a free meal.”

“Yer darn tootin! Now let’s get these babies outta the ground an’ we’ll-”

“STOP RIGHT THERE YOU SILLY FILLY!” exclaimed Cassandra, slapping the mushrooms out of Applejack’s hoof, “I swear to god Applejack, it’s like we’ve got four foals here” Normally she wouldn’t be so harsh, but the truth was undeniable.

“Cassandra, why’d ya do that?”

“Because these might be poisonous!”

“But they might not be.”

“Look never mind, let’s just get to the top of the mountain and meet up with Rainbow Dash.”

“All right, but ah’ still don’t see why ah couldn’t bring Braeburn” fumed Applejack, “ah was willin’ to share mah sleeping bag with him.”

“You’ve just answered your own question” said Cassandra, “and there are children present, it wouldn’t kill you to have a little more discretion.” But something else probably would.

Finally they reached the top of the mountain where Rainbow Dash was waiting. Cassandra had been sensible and walked alongside the non-fliers out of respect, but Rainbow had gone ahead because she was self absorbed and vain. But she was cute, so Cassandra looked past all that.

Scootaloo was excited, “we’re almost to the top, where I’ll meet Rainbow Dash! I bet she can’t wait to see me!”

At the top, Rainbow Dash was in fact waiting for them. “Hi Applebloom and Sweetie Belle!” she said, “say, when did you get a third friend?”

“Rainbow” whispered Cassandra, “Scootaloo really looks up to you. You should take her under your wing.”

“Ok” she whispered back, “but I don’t know how to, um…” she struggled to come up with words, “...child.”

“Well, you have the mentality of one, so that’s a good place to start.”

“Ok, I know what to do!” declared Rainbow Dash, “I’ll tell them a scaaaaaary story! Once there was a pony…”

“...WHO’S GOT MY RUSTY HORSESHOE???” the cutie mark crusaders shrieked and all huddled close to Cassandra for support. She politely nudged them back to their proper sisters.

“I wasn’t scared of the story,” said Scootaloo unconvincingly.

“You’ve convinced me that you weren’t scared” said Rainbow Dash, “you can have my respect.” Scootaloo went wide eyed with joy. Now she had two ponies that she admired paying attention to her!

That night, she had a nightmare, in which the Olden Pony was chasing after her. She ran and ran and just when she thought she was safe, a dark blue pony with a moon cutie mark and no head appeared!

"Aaaaah! A headless pegasus" cried Scootaloo

"Forsooth!" Said the headless pony, "we art not a pegasus, we art an alicorn!"

"Well it's kind of hard to know that when you don't have a head."

"Touche" said the headless pony. She put her head back.

"Oh, you're Princess Luna" said scootaloo, "what are you doing here ?"

"Thou art dreaming, Scootaloo. I hath cometh to tell thee that thou needeth to face thine fears!

"Um what? Sorry but I kinda didn't pay attention when Cheerilee was teaching Shakespeare."

"It's understandable" said Cassandra, emerging from the fog, "he was a pretentious git"

“Cassandra? You can dreamwalk too?” asked Scootaloo.

“Can, but don’t. I consider it intrusive and rude to spy on another pony’s secret thoughts. You’ll have to forgive Luna for not having that same amount of perceptiveness.”

“We hopeth that someday we shalt be as wise as Cassandra” said Luna.

“Aim for something realistic.” advised Cassandra. She was allowed to talk to Luna like that because she was the princess’s long-lost sister. Also, she was right. “Anyway, since Luna here hasn’t mastered the art of speaking normally, I’ll tell you what you need. You need to tell Rainbow Dash the truth about how you’re afraid of her stories.”

“How did you know that I was afraid of her stories?” asked a shocked Scootaloo, “I didn’t tell ANYPONY about that.”

“Perceptiveness” reminded Cassandra.

“Will you be my big sister?” asked Scootaloo

“I don’t have the heart to make Rainbow Dash jealous. For her sake, you must settle for her.”

“Wow Cassandra, I’ve learned so much from you.” said Scootaloo. It really was a treat to be in Cassandra’s presence.

“Seeing ponies flourish is one of the greatest joys in the world.” said Cassandra selflessly, “now young Scootaloo, it is time for you to wake up.”

Luna added, “FACE YOUR FEARS!!!!!” and made the dreamscape disappear into a vacuum. Cassandra rolled her eyes,

“She just has to be the center of attention.”

The next morning, Scootaloo took Cassandra’s advice and admitted to Rainbow Dash that the stories scared her. Dash though that she was cool in spite of it. Everypony learned that they should trust Cassandra’s advice, even Applejack, who was dissuaded from trying teach herself to fly by jumping from the top of Winsome Falls.

Suddenly, a crotchety old pony in a cloak jumped out of the bush, and cried “WHERE’S MAH RUSTY HORSESHOE???”

“AAAAAH!” screamed Rainbow Dash, cowering behind Cassandra.

“Oh Dashie, you don’t need to be a scaredy pony” cooed Cassandra, rubbing a shivering Dash’s back comfortingly, “look it’s just Granny Smith”

“Yer darn tootin’ ah am” said Granny Smith, lowering her hood, “and that’s whatcha get fer scarin’ mah granddaughter!” She winked at the camera.

Chapter 35: Daring Do

A/N: We here at The Cassandra Chronicles take continuity very seriously. Any continuity errors you may find are the product of your imagination

Cassandra was on vacation in the tropics. As a consequence of being a well-written and deep individual, she had recently gone through character development. She now trusted Twilight and her friends to be competent enough to take care of themselves for a week. They pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and endured, and at first everything was going well, but some unexpected bad news threatened to topple the uneasy tranquility.

Twilight was reading on the library when Rainbow Dash burst in in a loud and catatonic state.

"The new Daring Do book's been pushed back" whined Rainbow Dash. "Can you believe it Twilight??? I have to wait three months! Do you have any idea what that's like?"

Twilight looked up from her copy of A Dance With Dragons, "Not a clue," she said sarcastically.

"Well," continued Rainbow Dash, "as a paying customer of AK Yearling..."

"Don't you borrow all the books from the library?" cut in Twilight.

"...I deserve a personal explanation from the author. Twilight, you're the princess, use your royal powers to find her address."

"Slow down a minute, Rainbow," said Twilight, "AK Yearling probably wants to be left alone and to not have to deal with annoying fans."

“That’s horseapples! How could somepony not want to spend every waking moment with their fans?"

"Rainbow Dash!" said Scootaloo, "did I ever tell you how awesome you are?"

"GO AWAY KID, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY?!!! Geez! Now anyways, Twilight, dox AK Yearling, chop chop!" Twilight, being as she was easily swayed by peer pressure, finally gave in.

[br]

"Well, here we are" said Twilight. The six ponies stood outside a shack in the middle of a desolate forest.

“Nopony home?” said Rainbow, letting herself into AK’s house. She found an old dusty typewriter in the corner, “Maybe if I put this in plain view she’ll have more motivation to write.”

“Oh that’s just for show, I store all my documents in the cloud.” They all turned to see that AK Yearling herself had just entered the room

“When’s the next book coming out?” demanded Rainbow Dash.

"What my friend means to say” interjected Twilight, “is that we came here to check that you weren't hurt or sick. Though come to think of it, none of us are really equipped to help you if you were.”

“But you’re looking in peak physical condition to start writing, so my recommendation is…”

"Look, is this going in the direction of Stephen King's Misery?" asked Daring impatiently.

"Ah couldn't say, ah haven't read it" said Applejack to the surprise of nopony.

Suddenly three thugs burst in through the door.

"Nya see, give us the ring, see!" said the thug with the question mark & exclamation point cutie mark.

"Interro-BANG!!!" quipped Yearling, as she socked him in the jaw. The thugs looked at her quizzically. "I'm a writer, remember?" she explained. The Mane 6 would've helped but without Cassandra to inspire confidence, they were paralyzed with fear. As Yearling fought, her clothes progressively fell off. Twilight couldn't help but think that this would be really hot in some other universe. Rainbow Dash noticed something unusual about Yearling's appearance,

"Yellow coat, black & white hair, compass cutie mark,,,"

"You've figured me out," said Yearling defeatedly, "Daring Do is..."

"A self insert Mary Sue OC!". finished Rainbow Dash, "Shame on you! those are the absolute worst kinds of stories you could make! No wonder you were so secretive about your identity."

"I prefer to think of it as an unauthorized autobiography”

"Whoa! So Ahuizotl and everything is real?" asked Twilight

"That's right, everything."

"So when Daring Do's sweetheart Mare-ian got killed off in Book 3...?"

"Everything."

"That's depressing."

The thugs got away with the ring, leaving Yearling alone with the 6 least effective members of the Mane 7

"We can help get the ring back," said Rainbow Dash, "let us come with you."

"Ok, but I must warn you, it will be fraught with perils, like dark forests, impolite griffons, and leaping across narrow chasms."

"Wow, this adventuring stuff is on a whole nother level from anything I've done" gushed Rainbow Dash."

They went to the bad guys' camp.

"I'd like to buy the ring back." Said Daring, dropping a huge sack of bits down, "i'll match Ahuizotl's price- all you care about is money, right? So it shouldn't matter whom it comes from. And if Ahuizotl destroys pony civilization, fiat currency will almost certainly collapse, and your bits will be worthless."

"But I hate you" objected Dr. Caballeron

"That's the best part. If it ends here, this'll make for a terrible story. The books will never sell!"

"I am a supervillain, how logical do you expect me to be?"

"Well, you'd have to be pretty logical to complete a doctorate, so..."

Just then, Ahuizotl attacked and surrounded Daring do with his army of felines. She tried to fight them off, but she was outnumbered.
Daring Do's hat rolled over to Rainbow's feet, and Rainbow had an important decision to make, should she help fight off the tigers, or bring Daring Do her hat?

"Daring Do!" She cried out to the surrounded pony, "everything's going to be fine! I got your hat!" This distracted Daring Do, allowing Ahuizotl to capture her.

"We have to save her!" said Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow emerged at the chamber where Daring Do was being held captive, her legs all chained to the wall

"Oh, it's you" grunted Daring, "you've been such a BIG help."

"Hey don't dis me, I brought you your hat, didn't I?"

Daring's stoic disposition suddenly faded, "Y-you brought me my hat?" She asked apprehensively, "oh Rainbow Dash, thank you!!! You see without my hat, I lose all my powers!" Her face went flush, "I don't know how I could ever thank you for bringing me my hat, except..." she shifted her eyes away from Rainbow Dash, and breathing heavily, spread her legs as wide as the chains would allow. "Take me, Rainbow Dash! Take me now! Use me, and my body! *ah!*. Please! You have to! Rainbow Daaaaash!~"

Rainbow Dash began sweating profusely, her heart beating like a drum. "Daring, I-I, wow, do you mean it?"

"NO, of course not! It's a goddamn hat!!!" lashed Daring Do, suddenly back to normal, "I got it at a museum gift shop for Celestia's sake! I couldn't care less if I lost it!" Her anger turned to derisive laughter, "but you should've seen the look on your face! You actually thought you were going to get laid by Daring Do! That.... Bahahahaha!!! A hat that gives me superpowers? You wound me Dash, to imply that my books would feature such a tawdry cliché, heheheh. Now give me some real help and get me out of these shackles."

Rainbow got Daring out of the shackles and they proceeded to the main chamber, where they saw Ahuizotll and his tigers. While the other ponies fought them off, Rainbow and Daring started removing the rings from the altar.

"They're getting heavy," complained Dash.

"You can both flap you know."

The two looked up at the new voice who had just entered. "Cassandra!" They both exclaimed.

"Just in time I see. Now let me give you a hand with those." Her level 99 strength made it easy to remove the rings.

"Noooooo! My plan is defeated!" cried Azuthiol, "I'll get you next time Daring Do!" The temple began to crumble, so they all quickly rushed for the exit.

Outside, Daring Do said to Cassandra, "we don't get to see each other that often," she batted her eyelashes, "what say we make our time together extra special?"

"Ooh you sly dog" said Cassandra.

"You know, I think we should bring a third pony into the equation" suggested Daring, "a pegasus perhaps?"

" A pegasus who's brave and strong," added Cassandra.

"And fast"

"And, dare I say it, could be one of the greatest Wonderbolts of all time?"

"You thinking who I'm thinking?"

On the ground, Rainbow dash could barely contain her feelings of flattery and adulation, "ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh, this is gonna be so awe-"

"Spitfire!" said Cassandra and Daring. They flew off to Cloudsdale, where Cassandra gave Spitfire and Do the best night of their lives

"It's too bad that Applejack died in the temple collapse." said Twilight. It was three months later and Daring had just released her newest book.

"Is it though?" said Daring, "my books have been selling like hotcakes, and all the critics said they loved the ending."

Chapter 36: Manehattan

The Mane 7 were in Manehattan to cheer on Rarity at a fashion show. Rarity was very nervous, so she was glad to have Cassandra as her rock. The others were decent to have around too, she supposed. When she got to the fashion show, she met her old friend Suri Polomare.

"Hey Rarity, m'kay! It's so good to see you. Can I have some of your special fabric, so that I can, like, win the contest instead of you, 'kay?"

"I don't see any harm in that."

"Careful," warned Cassandra, "I think she might be pulling a ruse."

"Hmm," said Rarity, "after much consideration, I think I shall... Ignore your advice. Suri, I insist you take my diagrams and a hundred bolts of fabric."

Outside, a bird stole Spike's hot dog and he looked depressed. The other ponies didn't notice, but Cassandra used her Level 99 empathy to detect the problem.

"Don't worry kiddo, I've got your back." She lifted him up into the air and he used his fire breath to roast the bird nice and crispy.

"Cassandra, I'm glad you're my friend," said Spike, "you're prettier than Rarity, smarter than Twilight, and better at tic tac toe than Pinkie Pie." He took a bite of his roast pigeon.

"Now Spike, all of our friends have special gifts and wonderful traits that that make us a great team."

"Even Applejack?"

"If we dig deep enough, I'm sure."

The next day, the ponies were presenting their designs to Prim Hemline. To Rarity's great surprise, Suri Polomare had stolen her idea! Because she had ignored Cassandra's advice, she was in a real jam. She ran out of the room crying. Cassandra snatched up Suri and dragged her outside. She pinned her down on the sidewalk, her head over the curb and in the path of traffic.

"Please, let me go, kay?" begged Suri, "I didn't know she was your friend, I would've never stolen from her if I did." A cart came whizzing by, but Cassandda pulled Suri out of the way.

"I have a zero tolerance policy for bullying," said Cassandra fiercely

"She gave me her fabric, m'kay? What did she think would happen?" Another cart passed by, and Cassandra again pulled her out of the way.

"Not sure how many more times I'm gonna do that," warned Cassandra

"Fine, I give! I'll quit the contest and disappear forever, kay?"

"Kay indeed." She kicked Suri in the ribs, "you should be more careful. You're always falling down the stairs."

Suri gurgled, and Cassandra assumed that if she could talk, she would say "kay."

Back at the hotel, Rarity had enlisted her friends' help to make the hotel items into clothes. They weren't doing a very good job, but fortunately Cassandra came back and fixed all the clothes.

The next morning, they had to haul ass to get to the fashion show in time. Applejack had never been in the city before, and didn't grasp the concept of looking both ways before crossing the street, so she got hit by a cart and died.

At the fashion show, Rarity won the contest with the clothes that Cassandra helped make.

"You're my hero, Cassandra," swooned Rarity.

"No" said Cassandra, "you're the hero, Rarity." They all gasped, not knowing how that could be possible. "Your purple clothes would never have won, and your misplaced trust gave us the opportunity to make something better. So good job Rarity."

"I shall give you some practice kissing to show my thanks!"

Rarity gave up a lucrative job to Coco Pommel. As a thanks, Pommel gave her a spool of thread.

"I can't use this." said Rarity

"Aw, how sentimental" said Coco.

"No, I mean the thread colour has to match the fabric, and this changes colour every foot, so it's useless and rubb- ouch!" Cassandra had kicked her in the leg. "What I mean to say is, I'll treasure this forever. Thank you Coco."

They went to see Hinny of the Hills, and invited Coco Pommel along because they had an extra ticket thanks to Applejack's demise.

However, the hills were not alive for the lead actress, who got sick at the last minute. Luckily, Cassandra was a Pony Award winning stage actress so she filled in, and she was perfect and wonderful, but in a restrained manner so she didn't upstage the other actors.

"That was the best performance we've ever seen!" declared Chief Thunderhooves.

Chapter 37: The Phoenix

Princess Celestia came to Ponyville for a visit. She had made up some BS about wanting to see the mayor, but in actuality, she just wanted a pretense to hang out with Cassandra. They had a feast at Sugarcube Corner, and all of the ponies were invited.

"Ah don't know which ta eat first!" said a worried Applejack.

"The real question is, why are you even sitting here?" asked Cassandra. "This table is for princesses only." She picked up Applejack by her haunches and threw her out the door.

"Ah never figured out which ta eat fiiiiiiirst!" cried Applejack as she flew off into the distance.

"So Cassandra my long lost sister," said Celestia, "as long as we just so happened to run into each other at this party, let's chat." Her pet bird Philomena interjected with a loud hacking cough.

"Holy you, Celestia! You're a terrible pet owner, you know that?"

"Philomena is quite the exotic bird, isn't she?" asked Celestia with a proud grin.

"The sun may be bright, but you sure aren't. That thing looks like it'll keel over any minute!"

"Oh she'll be fine. We'll just send her to that farm where Mother sent my goldfish when he got sick."

"Tia, you're such an idiot..." began Cassandra , but she cut herself off. Perhaps it was best if her sister didn't know.

"You were saying?"

"Nothing. That was just a general statement."

"Your majesty" interjected a guard, "the mayor requests an immediate audience."

"Cancel it. Hanging out with Cassandra is much more fun."

"No Tia, go to your meeting. I've had as much of you as I can stand for one day."

"Thank you for being accommodating," said Celestia. The other ponies were also deeply moved.

"We should cure that bird," said Fluttershy

"I dunno, I think it might be for the best if we let nature take its course. Look it's practically mouthing 'kill me.' I would be too if I had to spend 24 hours a day around Celestia."

"That's certainly a compelling argument, but I think I'll.... ignore your advice." She took Philomena and ran off.

Four hours later, Fluttershy came running to Cassandra for help. "I don't know what to do. I've tried everything, even oreagano, but nothing works."

"Wait, oreagano?"

"Because I heard somepony say that time heals all wounds, but I didn't have-"

"Yeah yeah, I get it. Well you did the right thing coming to me. We should return the bird to Celestia." So they did, but just as they were about to hand her over, Philomena burst into flames.

"Oh my!" exclaimed Celestia.

"Ah, so she's a phoenix" said Cassandra, "that would explain it. Did you not think that might've been pertinent earlier, Dullestia?"

"I didn't know she was a phoenix. I thought she was a convicted arsonist, and that's why she was in a cage."

"Well, I suppose that makes sense. You know even less about animals than..."

"The Cutie Mark Crusaders?"

"Pound and Pumpkin Cake."

"Well, it's been nice seeing you," said Celestia, "I'll be sure to come back soon for another visit."

"Will you please go away already?" Celestia was lucky to have Cassandra as a friend.

Applejack never figured out which thing to eat first, and she starved to death.

Chapter 38: Maud Pie

Pinkie's sister Maud Pie was coming over for a visit.

"I need you all to test this rock candy" said Pinkie Pie. Most of the ponies were all too happy to stuff their fat faces with junk food, but Cassandra knew she had to be a good influence to young foals.

“Pinkie, it’s not good for ponies to eat that much sugar. That one over there is the best, pick that one." said Cassandra, pointing to one pile

"B-but you can't possibly know which one tastes the best if you haven't tasted them!" stammered Rainbow Dash. It was intimidating to contradict Cassandra, and everypony who had ever done so was proven humiliatingly wrong.

"Oh can't I?" asked Cassandra defiantly. "This one over here has the sharpest crystallization, smoothest surface, and best mix of flavors, given the coloration."

Pinkie Pie hopped over to the pile of rock candy and popped a piece into her mouth. "Gasp!" exclaimed Pinkie, "Cassandra was right!!! This is the bestest rock candy ever!"

“Cassandra, you saved us from having to overeat rock candy!” gushed Twilight, “with 50 flavors and every possible combination, I can’t even calculate how many we’d have to try.”

“1 quadrillion, 125 trillion, 899 billion, 906 million, 842 thousand, and 624,” replied Cassandra. “Don’t worry Twilight, I’m sure someday your math skills will measure up to mine.”

“Three cheers for Cassandra!” declared Rainbow Dash. They all hoisted Cassandra up and tossed her in their air, while Pinkie sang

“Cassandra is a ge-nius whoopee! whoopee! She’s the cutest smartest all around best pony, pony….”

Later that day, they all stood in anticipation. waiting for Maud to arrive.

"She'll be just like Pinkie, I bet," said Twilight. The other agreed because Twilight was smart and they were susceptible to peer pressure.

"I'm not so sure" said Cassandra, "Pinkie did grow up on a rock farm, and even with her embellished storytelling, it sounded like they were all dull and grey, like some kind of poetic dichotomy."

"Sorry Cassandra," said Rarity "but we don't have the mental capacity to understand what you're saying, and have no choice but to disregard it."

"Don't feel bad" said Cassandra, "you're cute, and that makes up for it." Rarity blushed. Cassandra only gave compliments to the worthiest of ponies.

Maud came up to them. She was a dull shade of grey with straight hair, and was wearing a very smart sweater. "Hello. This is my rock, Boulder." she said in a monotone voice. Then she saw Cassandra. "Pinkie. Your friend is sedimentary."

Cassandra winked at her.

"Maud, show them one of your games!" said Pinkie Pie

"Very well. This is called camouflage." She threw Boulder into a pile of rocks, "now we proceed to find him."

"Is this your rock?" said Pinkie cheerily.

"No" said Maud. They continued to search, and nopony could find Boulder until Cassandra spoke up,

"Is this Boulder?"

"It is. You have defeated me at camouflage." said Maud, "you are a worthy opponent."

They all went off and did separate things with Maud, however they all found that they didn't have the same hobbies as Maud.

"Maud said she don't like apples" complained Applejack, "Have y'all ever heard such a terrible insult?"

"Well at least we learned a valuable lesson" said Twilight, "we can still be friends with Pinkie even if we can't be freinds with Maud."

"Wait a minute" said Cassandra, "you can be friends with somepony even if you don't have the same hobby. Twilight, she like peotry just like you."

"That's true..." said Twilight

"And she likes clothes like you, Rarity"

"Oh my, she does" said Rarity

"And Rainbow, Maud's the only earthpony that comes close to your athletic ability."

"Hey, that's right! I need somepony to keep up with me in the Running of the Leaves!"

"And Fluttershy, she likes being outdoors just like you."

"I don't have to be shy around her anymore!" cheered Fluttershy.

"And Applejack," continued Cassandra, "she, um..... actually I can't think of any good reason that Maud, or anypony for that matter, would want to be friends with you." But they all agreed that that was no big loss.

"HEEEEEEEELP!" cried Pinkie Pie. She was trapped in a pile of rocks and about to be crushed!

"I do not want my sister to get crushed by rocks. That would not be sedimentary." said Maud. Luckily, Cassandra was there to save the day. She swooped in and smashed the pile of rocks to pieces, saving Pinkie in the nick of time.

"Please Cassandra, allow me to compensate you for savign my sister by helping you practice kissing."

"I think that sounds like a sedimentary idea!" agreed Cassandra.

Are ya gonna get yer rocks off?" joked Applejack.

"Shut up, Applejack." said Maud.

Chapter 39: The Trading Post

The ponies went to the Rainbow Falls for the annual swap meet. Twilight was serving as an arbiter of trades. The rule used to be that only a princess could serve as arbiter, but at Cassandra's behest, they added an additional clause that the arbiter had to be somepony smart. This didn't sit well with Cadence, Luna, or Celestia, because it meant they were no longer qualified, but Cassandra distracted them with a shiny object, and the world kept turning.

On the train, the ponies planned for how they would spend their time.

"I have a simply mahvellous idea, darling," said Rarity to Applejack, "why don't we pool our goods, and buy something that we both like, darling?"

"Careful now Rarity," warned Cassandra, "you two don't have many interests in common. You may have trouble agreeing on something to buy."

"Pshaw, we got plenty a' common interests" scoffed Applejack, "we both have tails, we both walk on four legs, we both breathe air, an' we both like ta have a roll in th' hay with Braeburn." She began to drool.

"Well you sure showed me" said Cassandra mock-defeatedly. There were times when being a good friend meant stepping aside and letting your friends learn a lesson the hard way.

They got to the fair, and Twilight set up a stand to get rid of her old books.

"I'll give you this pocket lint for one book," offered a pony.

"Cassandra," whispered Twilight, "is that a good deal?"

"You tell me" whispered back Cassandra, "you're a smart pony, and I trust you to make the right decision. After all, I am the Element of Trust."

Twilight was giddy that Cassandra was trusting her, but at the same time nervous about validating her trust. "O-ok" she began shakily, "I'm gonna say... no. That is not a fair trade."

"I'll give you a plastic fork," offered another pony

"I don't think so" said Twilight, now with a little more confidence.

"Ok, well how about this scepter?"

"Hmm...ok, deal."

"Well look at you, Twilight!" lauded Cassandra, "looks like you can stand on your own four feet. I have some trades of my own to do, so I'll see you around."

"Rarity, come quick!" cried Applejack, "ah found a rusty pie tin, and ah need ta use yer stuff ta buy it."

"Applejack, we're supposed to be buying something that we both like. Like this broach for example."

"That broach has nothin' ta do with apples!" objected Applejack, "why th' hay do ya think ah'd buy it???"

"Well I want this broach and I'm not budging!"

"And ah want this pan, so ah guess we got ourselves a Marexican standoff."

"That's only a standoff if our things are equally valuable. A piece of jewelry is ten times more valuable! You have to give in to logic!"

"Like hell ah do!"

"Why, you...." Her lip began to quiver and she ran away, bawling her eyes out.

"The bird?"

"Or the cage?"

"Or perhaps the bird?"

"Nothing beats the cage..."

"Why not both?" interjected Cassandra, "I have two voxophones to trade." The conversation was interrupted. by Rarity, who was running towards Cassandra and sobbing profusely.

"Aw, Rarity, what's the matter?" asked Cassandra, hugging her friend, and stroking her mane, "sssh, don't cry. Tell Auntie Cassandra what's wrong."

"I pooled my stuff with Applejack, a-and I found some thing I wanted to buy, and she found something she wanted to buy, and she won't let me buy my bro-o-oach!" She started crying again.

"Rarity, you are the element of generosity " said Cassandra bluntly, "you have to concede."

"But I don't WANT to!!!" she whined, "I've had it! If I can't get what I want, nopony does!!!" She stormed off.

"Hey look, Fluttershy, it's a Daring Do book!" said Rainbow.

"I'll trade it for an Orthros." said the mare in charge of the stand.

"trafficking exotic creatures is wrong" whispered Fluttershy, but everyone ignored her, because the animal rights episode was 15 weeks ago, and who can remember that far back? They went to the dog store but the colt in charge would only trade them the Orthros for a chicken lamp

"Looks like we've got an adventure on our hands." said Rainbow

"Oh no, I didn't have any plans for today" said Fluttershy.

"I'll trade you this throne for a stack of books"

"One book" replied Twilight

"That's ludicrous!"

"You wanna see ludicrous? Your throne for one chapter!"

"But-

"One page! And if the next words out of your mouth aren't 'I accept your deal,' I'll teleport this book inside of you!"

"Y-yes princess" said the pony meekly, dropping his throne and running away.

Another pony begged Twilight, "please let me have a book! I'll give you my house."

"Oh, all right" replied Twilight lazily, lounging on her throne. She waved him away. "Next peasant!"

"There must be something I can give you for this book."

"Hmm, how about your baby?"

"What? That's not a fair trade!"

"Isn't it? Let's consult the princess. Oh princess Twilight, is this a fair trade? Why yes, Princess Twilight, yes it is! I'm the goddamn princess, you worm! I can do whatever the hell I want Ha! Hahahahahaha! Ahahaha... oh, ohhhh *anh!*". Her evil laughter tirned to moans of pleasure, the abuse of power making her seriously hot and bothered.

"What in Celestia's name is going on here?" demanded Cassandra.

"I'm being the trade decider!" squealed Twilight, "it's fun!"

"No Twilight, you're being a bully," scolded Cassandra, "with great power comes great responsibility." she said, using her level 99 phrase-coining. "Don't be sad though, the mistake is mine. I trusted you too much, I should have realized that this conflict of interest was too much for you to handle."

"It's ok Cassandra, we all learned something today. Never again will I trade and arbitrate at the same time."

"So you know what you have to do with your books, right?"

"Right." Twilight conjured up a spell from her horn, and the books burst into flames.

"I meant give them away for free"

"Well, your folly for trusting me" said Twilight. They both laughed.

Rarity and Applejack met up again, eyeing each other up confrontationally.

"Applejack."

"Rarity."

"I'm no fool. I know you won't relent until you get what you want. So rather than fight you, I decided to concede in the most passive-aggressive way possible.". She pulled out a different rusty pie tin. "The asking price for this was one paper clip, but I insisted that he take everything I had. Enjoy your cooking implement, and remember how expensive it was every time you use it.

"Well ah got a gift too" snarled Applejack, "ah bought ya th' most expensive jeweled barrette ah could find. But since ah'm a simpleminded country bumpkin who knows nothin' about jewelry or fashion, ah'm almost positive they sold me a fake."

"Well screw you"

"Well screw you." They both stormed off, angry and regretful for ignoring Cassandra's advice.

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy had finally gotten the Orthros, but they lost control of it, and it went careening into the crowd. Luckily nopony was hurt except Applejack who died, and just as the dog was about to attack the Daring Do shopowner, there came a loud whistle from the beautiful and wise Cassandra. The Orthros stopped in its tracks and sat obediently at Cassandra's feet.

"Cassandra!" exclaimed the shopkeeper, you saved me! Please, take this Daring Do book as a token of my gratitude!"

"Awesome!" exclaimed Rainbow Dash, I finally got my Daring Do book!" She motioned to grab it from Cassandra.

"Not so fast" said Cassandra, pulling it back, "This is a Traders' Exchange after all. You have to trade me some practice kissing for it."

"Is that a fair trade?" asked Rainbow.

"That's not for me to decide, is it, Princess?" She smiled at Twilight.

"Y-you still trust me after all that happened today?" asked Twilight meekly

"It will take a while for my trust to mend fully, but I believe in you to make this decision."

"Oh thank you Cassandra, I won't let you down! For this trade... I say, yes!"

Chapter 40: The History Lesson

Rainbow Dash was getting ready to join the Wonderbolt Reserves, but first she had to pass a history test.

"Ugh, history is so boring" whined Rainbow Dash, "it's -20% cooler than flying. Why do I have to learn it?"

"Because any idiot can fly" said Twilight callously, "but only a select few have brains as well."

"Twilight, that's not very nice!" chided Cassandra. She occasionally had to remind Twilight of how to behave in public.

"Well anyway, we'll help you learn. Between my book smarts, and Cassandra's former status as captain of the Wonderbolts, we're sure to pull it off."

First, they tried giving Rainbow a lecture, however when they quizzed her, she failed to answer any questions right.

"For what it's worth you've figured out the first rule of performing," said Cassandra, "be confident even when you make a mistake - or so I've heard - I don't make mistakes while performing. But really focus on this one.. The original aerial team performed for...?"

"Celestia's cereal celebration.."

"Rainbow, are you just taking my confidence advice, or do you actually think that's right?"

"Cereal was invented by Will Keith Fetlogg in the early 20th century" piped up Twilight, who could never resist the urge to share her wealth of trivia knowledge, "it was designed to keep young fillies from slamming their clam, but I have to say, personal evidence casts doubt on its effectiveness."

Both pegasi looked at her, bewildered. "Twilight, we discussed this," reminded Cassandra, "there are certain topics that are inappropriate for polite conversation."

"Oh, right" said Twilight.

"Alright here's a really easy one," said Cassandra, "Who broke every record and became captain of the Wonderbolts, but had to abdicate because everypony was jealous of her?" Expectantly, she stared Rainbow right in the face

"It's hopeless" sighed Rainbow Dash, "I couldn't get the answer if it was staring me right in the face."

Fluttershy happened to be passing by, looking shy as usual.

"Fluttershy, would you like to help Rainbow prepare for her Wonderbolts exam?" asked Cassandra.

"Well, yes," said Fluttershy, "but I'm too shy to share my studying idea."

"Don't worry Fluttershy, you're among friends"said Cassandra gently

"Oh, thank you for giving me my confidence back! You're such an inspiration. My idea is to put on a stage show."

So they did, which began at the beginning of time, at the Great Lunar War.

In character, Fluttershy declared, "I Princess Celestia banish you, Princess Luna TO THE MOOOOOON!"

"Oh woe is us!" cried Rarity in character, "but we shalt return in one Thousand years, and attempt to shroud the world in eternal darkness!!!"

"Wow Rarity that Luna impression is spot on" commended Cassandra.

"Wait, who banished what to the where now?" asked a confused Rainbow Dash.

"C'mon Rainbow, you know this one, you had personal involvement in it."

"Hay bacon?"

"That breakfast thing is only endearing when Walt Jr. does it."

"I have an idea," piped up Pinkie Pie, "I'll teach you with music! I call this the Wonderbolts History Rap."

"Rap? I thought you said you were doing it with music," quipped Cassandra.

Pinkie Pie began beatboxing and proceeded to rap,

Yo, yo. MC Pinkie Responsibility Diane Pie in the house!
I'm gonna teach the historizzle all about the Wonderbizzle.
"The *#^%ing Wonderbolts were founded by Firefly, they have many different patterns of #%*^ing flight formations.
There was also a commander named Colonel *%#$ing Purple. he did some $@&< that was pretty important.
%#*$ing Fairy Flight will be on the test, and her most important contribution is- What the-? Ow! Ow!"

Granny Smith had heard the rap and was angrily smacking Pinkie Pie with her purse "Ya dern kids with yer rap music! Yer corruptin' our youth! Why in my day, we listened ta music with decent lyrics, an' could write a melody without resortin' to tha four chord progression!"

"Ow! Ow! That hurts! Cassandra, make her stop!" begged Pinkie.

"Pinkie, nopony likes a whiner," scolded Cassandra, "besides, she's right about your rap."

"That rap was off the hook!" said an excited Scootaloo, "I'm gonna join a gang and do drugs!"

"Mah turn ta try!" said Applejack, "an' ah'll teach ya usin' somethin' everypony can relate to; apples! " She cleared her throat. "Since th' beginnin' of time, th' Winderbolts have been on a steady diet of nothin' but apples."

"That's not true" interjected Cassandra, but Applejack ignored her.

"Anyways. When Firefly was sittin' under mah family's apple tree, an apple fell an' hit her on th' head. Why she was madder 'n a beaver in a petrified forest, ah tell ya. She was so mad that she decided ta take it out on earth ponies by formin' a team o' pegasi devoted ta rubbin' in th' fact that they have wings an' earth ponies don't. That's why y'all should eat mah apple brown bettys when ya kick their asses at th' relay race."

"Wow Applejack" said Cassandra, "I don't think I've ever heard wronger history than that. With those answers, you might just become the first pony to score a negative percent on a history test."

"Ah've already cornered that market in ev'ry other subject" said Applejack proudly.

"This is hopeless!" sighed Rainbow Dash, "I should just give up on being a Wonderbolt, and find a new dream, like playing professional hoofball. At least there's no written exam for that."

"I have an idea" said Twilight, "let's close down every store, business, and emergency service in Ponyville, and have all the ponies help Rainbow Dash learn."

"I have a better idea" said Cassandra, "Rainbow, i you pass your test, I will let you stroke my mane." Cassandra only let the worthiest of ponies do that, so needless to say, Rainbow wasn't going to disappoint her. She studied super hard, and scored a 3,000%

Three weeks later, after Cassandra had outlawed rap and dubstep, she sat with in bed with Rainbow sat in bed, the athlete running her hooves through Cassandra's soft luxurious mane. It was a wonderful reward and totally worth it.

"Hey Cassandra"

"Yes?"

"You're the best pony ever. Thanks for your help." She was lucky to have Cassandra as a friend.

Chapter 41: Bats

It was the first day of Applebuck Season and Applejack was excited to apple buck the apples on her apple trees. Her cousin Braeburn was coming over because he was in heat, so she'd sent her family away with a made up story about a contest in a faraway town. After she was finished bucking her cousin, Applejack prepared to buck her trees.

"Hmm" she mused, "this means ah'm'a hafta do th'' entire orchard by mahself. Ah well, what's th' worst that could happen?" She kicked a tree, and the apples came tumbling down. However, when they hit the floor, they splattered and oozed a gross and sickening mushy slop.

"What in tarnation?! They ain't supposed ta look like that until after ah turn 'em into apple fritters! That's it, ah gotta ring th' emergency bell!"

So she rang the bell with all her might, and all her friends came running, including the beautiful and faithful Cassandra.

"Thank Celestia yer here! Ah've got a crisis on mah hands, ah can't make mah apple treats!"

"Applejack, I think we need to review your vocabulary" said Cassandra, "a crisis means a bad thing."

"Wait, cider is made from apples, isn't it?" cut in Rainbow Dash, "Cassandra we have to do something!"

"Fine" said Cassandra, "I'll do it for three sessions of practice kissing. Now, Applejack, how did you screw up this time?"

"Well, ah was havin some private time with Braeburn..."

"...and you were too preoccupied to mind the orchard" finished Cassandra.

"Sharp as ever, Cassandra. Anyways, when ah was ready ta get started with th' job, ah found that mah orchard had been overrun by vampire fruit bats!"

Dramatic Music Sting

"What are those?" asked Princess Celestia, emerging from behind an apple tree.

"Wow Tia, you're really clueless when it comes to animals," said Cassandra, "do yourself a favor, and, just once in your multimillenial lifespan, put down the cake, and pick up a book."

"Thank you for your wisdom, long lost sister" said Princess Celestia gratefully, and she flew off to Canterlot to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar

"Now then" said Applejack, "allow me to convince y'all ta help me kill th' bats with a song. ♪♫ Kill th' bats, kill th' bats, take yer boots an' stomp them flat! Kill th' bats, kill th' bats, don't let up 'till they go splat!♪♫"

"Now hold on" said Fluttershy, "that's just cruel. Those bats are harmless animals, and as we established in the comic book episode, I'm totally ok with hurting ponies, even if they're my friends, but if you so much as harm a hair on a gnat's head, we're going to have a real problem!"

"But ah need ta harvest mah apples!" objected Applejack, "ah'm already strugglin' ta get by 'cause ah have no business sense!"

"But after the bats eat her apples and excrete the seeds in a politically correct manner, the new apple trees will be stronger and better."

"Fluttershy, how long d'ya think it takes a tree ta grow?"

"Ummmm... three days? ...I dropped out of school, remember?" she replied to her friends' furtive glances.

"Now girls," interjected Cassandra, " let's talk this out like the rational adults you almost are. I'm sure we can come to a reasonable middle ground solution."

"I wouldn't be so sure" said Pinkie Pie. Written by Merriweather Williams flashed across the screen.

"Oh," said Cassandra, "in that case, Applejack you lose the argument because you suck."

Applejack looked sad, but Queen Williams only dealt in absolutes, and being only 49% right was no better than zero. Besides, Cassandra was right, she did suck, and not just in the way that Braeburn could attest to.

"Umm Cassandra?" Twilight looked nervous and sheepish.

"Twilight, did you turn Fluttershy into a vampire during the five seconds I was looking away?"

"I was just dealing with an unwanted species by tampering with the ecosystem, it seemed like a good idea on paper."

"All right then, I have no choice,"said Cassandra, "I have to tap in to the forbidden magic that was forbidden because nopony except me could use it without fatalities." She sat down on the ground and began to meditate. When she opened her eyes, they glowed with every color of the rainbow. Using all her concentration, she tapped into the forbidden magic, and a dark light surrounded her. A beam of light energy broke through, enveloping Fluttershy, and receding her vampire fangs. Before long, she was back to her normal timid self.

"Oh, Cassandra! You saved me!" exclaimed Fluttershy gratefully. She climbed onto Cassandra's back and fell asleep from exhaustion.

"It sure is good that we can always count on Cassandra to solve our problems," said Rainbow Dash.

"We're back!" said Applebloom. The three members of the Apple family stood beaming proudly.

"And now we don't hafta worry about havin' a bad harvest!" said Granny Smith

"They were havin' a 'putting up with stupid ponies' contest, and ah won first prize!" said Applebloom.

"Well ain't that somethin'!" said Applejack, "how'd you get so good at doin' that?"

"Ah had a lotta practice" said Applebloom, "ah practiced every night an' day."

Granny Smith added, "Y'know, maybe if we diversified our crops an' sold our popular cider more'n two days a year, we prolly wouldn't run inta financial troubles so much.

Applejack laughed, "heh, Granny, that's so funny! Ah'm th' boss around here so only ah get ta make ideas."

"Loooootsa practice" whispered Applebloom

"Eeyup" agreed Big Mac.

"I have earth pony magic despite being a pegasus" said Cassandra, "and just from standing in this orchard, I've made your apples better. Now there will be enough for you and the fruit bats."

"Wow Cassandra!" exclaimed Applebloom, "yer like tha big sister ah never had!"

Cassandra patted Applebloom's head, "your sister and brother need you to help keep them out of trouble. Can you do that for me?"

"Yes, m'am!" said Applebloom.

Author's Note

The next update will be to "The Cassandra Crossovers," an epic maritime adventure, so make sure you don't miss it.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/140779/the-cassandra-crossovers

Chapter 42: The Mistaken Identity

The Mistaken Identity

The ponies went to the Crystal Empire to plan for the Equestria games.

"Cassandra! Twilight! How are my two favorite ponies doing?"

"According to my book on salutations, the correct response to your query is 'fine thank you'" said Twilight

"She doesn't get out much does she?" murmured Cadence to Cassandra.

"We help her where we can." said Cassandra back.

"Well thank you for helping my sister in law" said Cadence, "to express my gratitude, I'll give you some practice kissing later."

"Won't Shining Armor get jealous?" asked Cassandra.

"Nah, s'cool, brah," said Shining Armor, "I don't mind if it's just chicks. 'Sides Cass, if I was gonna be jealous of you for anything, it'd be that you're so much better than me at being Captain of the Guard."

"Let's get back on topic," said Cassandra. She was embarrassed that one of her flaws had been revealed, namely that her beauty often distracted other ponies.

"Right" said Cadence, "we need you to pick up Mrs. Harshwhinny from the train station. But don't worry, I figured out a way for you to know who she is." She beamed proudly, "she has a floral print bag."

"Cady, sweetie," said Cassandra, "I know you must've worked really hard to get that information, but we need a little more."

"God, do I have to do EVERYTHING around here?" whined Cadence

"You kind of do" said Cassandra, "you're the empress"

"Oh. This leadership thing is a lot more difficult than I thought."

"Well, you're pretty and that makes up for some of your shortcomings."

Cadence was happy because a compliment from Cassandra was the best thing anypony could ever hope for. “Let me show you my trick for staying calm” she said. “You just breathe deeply and do this.” She extended her right hoof outwards and upwards.

“Whoa there Cadence, I wouldn’t do that if I were you” warned Cassandra.

“What, this?” said Cadence, raising her hoof into the air.

Zecora was passing by, and she was none too pleased with what she saw, “Your pony racism makes me pissed! You need to go watch Schindler’s List!”

At the train station, a southern pony with a floral print bag got off the train.

"Is that her?" asked Twilight

"She has the floral print bag, so she fits the bill." said Rainbow Dash.

"Yeah, but she looks like a chicken farmer and not an event official." pointed out Cassandra. The ponies gave her argument some thought, and ultimately decided to ignore her advice.

"Hello there" said Twilight, "how are you today?"

"Why ah'm happier'n a pig at a Vegan convention! They were givin' away free floral print bags ta everypony on the train!"

"Let us show you the reasons why you, the olympic official, should choose the Crystal Empire to host the Equestria Games," said Twilight. "This is the Crystal Colosseum. It was built in the 1st Lunar Century. The condemned would fight to the death for the Empress's amusement, and most of the time the winner got fed to the lions. Over here we have the lodgings for visiting nations. We had to tear down five city blocks to make room for it, and spend the entire year’s fiscal budget on construction expenses, but it's worth the trade, I mean this is the Equestria Games after all."

"This is all very fascinatin' but ah'm gunna stretch mah legs fer a mite." said the pony.

"Something about her seems off" said Cassandra, "she's not really behaving like a games official."

"Yeehaw!!!" cried the pony as she barreled into a pack of guards carelessly.

"She seems pretty legit tah me." said Applejack.

“Duuuude that mare’s bogus!” said Shining Armor, “You totally should’ve listened to Cassandra, you got the wrong pony there!”

“But that’s impossible! Her name must’ve up at least once during our conversation” said Fluttershy.

“Nope, it did not” said Cassandra, who used her level 99 memory skills to confirm this.

As a consequence of the ponies not listening to Cassandra, Mrs. Harshwhinny was left at the train station, and was very angry with the ponies and the town. However, they still won the right to host the games, because all the other bids were from zebra and griffon cities. Harshwhinny's mood improved considerably after the Equestria Games committee bankrupted over 50 small businesses with trademark infringement lawsuits. Cassandra returned just in time to fix Cadence's mane, which Rarity had mangled with her lack of fashion skills. The infastructural consequences of hosting the Equestria Games did more damage to the Crystal Empire than King Sombra in his thousand year reign. But Cassandra fixed it all.

Chapter 43: The Barbershop Quartet

Fluttershy was a shy pony. This was something that everypony with an ounce of perception knew. So, when Cassandra gave her singing lessons, she learned to be a great singer because Cassandra was that great of a teacher, but nopony got to enjoy the fruits of her labor. She did however, feel comfortable singing to her animals.

One day, she was singing about how much she loved Cassandra, when her friends came by to visit, and heard her gorgeous singing voice.

"Wow Fluttershy!" exclaimed Pinkie, "Your voice is so sweet! How come you've never shown us your amazing singing voice, outside of the musical numbers that we're not sure if they're actually 'happening,' and the Hearths Warming Eve Play? Is there a reason you don't often sing in front of crowds?"

The other were befuddled too, but Cassandra knew the answer, "it's because..." the others looked on in great anticipation, "she is...." the other ponies were sweating now, the suspense was killing them, "....shy." Cassandra finished.

"WhAaAaAaAaAaAattttttttttttt????????" exclaimed Rarity, her puny mind completely blown. "but I need you for my band!"

"I'm sorry, but I can't do it." said Fluttershy apologetically.

"Well then, Cassandra, how about it? I'll give you some practice kissing~"

"Your offer is tempting, and while it's true that I have the most beautiful singing voice in all of Equestria, I'm afraid I must decline."

"But why?" cried Rarity.

"Because yours is an ensemble show," said Cassandra, "it wouldn't be right if one pony was such a great singer that she upstaged the rest of the cast. It's just like how whenever the TV crew comes by, I have to go into hiding, and you all have to pretend that there are only six Elements of Harmony."

"Well, ok." sighed Rarity, "it will be hard, but we will get along without Cassandra."

The next day, Big Mac got a sore throat. They went to see Zecora who said

"With my faith healing, I'll truly amaze! Watch as he's cured in 4-6 days!"

"Zecora, you know we love you" said Cassandra reassuringly, "but I think we ought to take him to the hospital, so that you don't have to cancel all your shows."

Rarity pondered for a minute, then responded, "Well, I hear what you're saying, and it's real nice... but I'm captain, so I shall ignore your advice."

"Big Mac agrees, don' he?" asked Applejack, nodding at her brother.

Big Mac shook his head furiously, and rasped out what sounded like a very strained, "eeeeenope."

Applejack chuckled, "Hyuck, hyuck, hyck, silly brother o mine, it dun matter, 'cause mares do all th' talkin' an' colts do all th' workin'. Apple family tradition!"

Zecora piped up, "In that case, we have no other choice. We'll poison your friend with a tenor voice."

"You have several other choices..." began Cassandra, but sadly the ponies were too blind to accept the immaculate wisdom of their best friend.

"We'll pull off a facade by having Big Mac lip synch the words and having Fluttershy hide behind a structure or facade. It sure is lucky that there's no such thing as auditory depth perception," said Rarity excitedly
.
So they did, and Fluttershy performed several concerts that didn't sound unusual at all, and helped Big Mac catch Cheerilee's eye.

"Whoa there brother o mine" cautioned Applejack, "as th' Applefamily's designated thinker, ah ferbid you ta date her, she listens ta Cyndi Clopper. No taste in music that one."

"Applejack, even the worst music from the Neighties is better than 90% of what we have today," said Cassandra, who was an expert on music.

"Horseapples! 'Mares Just Wanna Have Fun' doesn't even have a single step of dub! That's like an apple pie with no apples! "

"I'm sorry Applejack, but you've left me no choice. For poisoning the music with your bad taste in music, I sentence you to 50 years in exile!" The others flinched at the harshness of the punishment, but Cassandra was a fair and just pony, and they knew that she didn't take lightly to doling out punishments. Applejack was sad to be banished to the Frozen North, but on the bright side, Drake would be there to keep her company.

"Oh I beg of you to become our manager!" cried Rarity, "we literally may just forget how to breathe without your guidance."

"Well ok" said Cassandra, "the first thing you're going to need is a new song."

"What's wrong with Find the Music in You?"

"Ponies get tired of hearing the same thing over and over."

"I don't follow."

"It becomes repetitive and stale."

"That makes no sense."

"It's like... oh, wait I know how to make you understand - what if you wore the same dress every day?"

"Why that would be the Worst. Possible. Thing!" said Rarity, "strike that, second-worst after not getting to spend every waking moment with you."

Applejack arrived at the Frozen North where she met her idol Drake. Naively, she had expected to have a fulfilling conversation about poverty and life struggles. However, Drake in truth was a wealthy child-actor-turned-rapper, and very contemptuous towards the poor. Also he was an actual drake so he ate Applejack.

Chapter 44: The Private Lesson

The four princesses and Cassandra sat around the table, discussing royal things. While Cassandra wasn't technically a princess, she was a holder of the Medal of Valor, and the best advisor they knew, so they let her sit in on their conversation.

"One of us should take on a foal education initiative," said Celestia, "and I believe it should be my second most faithful student."

"Me?" said Twilight, "but what am I to teach them?"

"How to marry into wealth and power?" suggested Cadence

"We'll table that for now," said Cassandra, "anyone else?"

"We hath a suggestion" said Luna, "How to survive alone in a grey room for 1,000 years with nothing to do"

"Luna, nopony likes a whiner," scolded Cassandra

"How to do my hair," suggested Celestia.

"You mean how to do their hair?"

"No, mine. Several of them will grow up to be my servants, so they should get a head start on their training."

Cassandra facehooved, "I don't know why I thought an open forum was a good idea. Twilight, you teach them whatever they want, I know you can do it."

"Thank you Cassandra. I'm certain that my book smarts are close to as good as yours but I'm worried about my social skills. What if I make a gaffe? I'm a princess now, so every embarrassing moment is a gaffe."

"Don't worry Twilight, I have a solution" said Cassandra, "using my level 99 stealth skills, I shall conceal myself behind a bookcase and give you coaching."

"But won't they hear you?"

"Not if I use a special spell I invented." Cassandra could do magic despite being a pegasus. "I can make my voice inaudible to anypony with the IQ of a child. Watch." She put her hooves in front of her mouth and whispered, "Celestia has a fat butt." Cadence and Luma snickered, Twilight gasped and covered her mouth.

"Huh? Did you say something?" asked Celestia.

They decided to start small, with just the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Cassandra took her hiding place and watched to ensure Twilight didn't commit a gaffe.

"So girls, what would you like to learn?"

"How to get our cutie marks!" said Applebloom.

Twilight started laughing in spite of herself, "oh Celestia, that's a good one!"

"Twilight!" scolded Cassandra, "it's not nice to laugh at them."

"Oh, sorry" replied Twilight.

"Twi, who ya talkin' to?" asked Applebloom

"Nopony. Anyway, how about we start with something a bit more manageable?"

"Kin ya teach me how ta make potions?" said Applebloom

"Easily" said Twilight

"Can you teach me how to do magic?" asked Sweetie Belle

"I could do it in my sleep" boasted Twilight

"Ooh ooh, and can you teach me how to fly?" said Scootaloo.

"Well, um, that is..." Twilight tugged nervously at her collar, "how about I teach you to fix a bike?"

"Oh...ok, that's good too I guess."

So they spent the rest of the day doing their activities.

"Very good Applebloom!" said Twilight, "now just add three leaves of hibiscus and..."

"Word to the wise Twi," said Cassandra, "two leaves makes a nutrient enhancer; three leaves makes TNT."

"Hold a second Applebloom, I meant to say two leaves," said Twilight, "I'm glad the library didn't blow up." That was foreshadowing.

"Tell Sweetie to lift with her legs, not her horn," advised Cassandra.

Twilight really admired Cassandra's selflessness; she herself could never do so many good deeds without recognition.

As their time came to a close, the girls were making fantastic progress thanks to Cassandra's geniusness.

The next day they came back to Twilight's house for another lesson. They normally thought Twilight was uncool and geeky but for some reason they couldn't quite figure out, she had an air of coolness about her, while simultaneously being even smarter than usual. Spike had made nachos but Cassandra didn't have any because she was watching her figure.

"Applebloom, did you remember to put the childproof lid on your potion?"

"Of course ah did," said Applebloom proudly.

"She's lying," said Cassandra.

"Applebloom, tell the truth" said Twilight.

"Awright fine! Ah forgot ta put it on, an' Applejack took a sip, an' she died."

"See? Now didn't it feel good to tell the truth?"

"Yeah."

"Applejack was the Element of Honesty. She would have wanted you to tell the truth. So I guess she finally did a good deed for once in her life"

"I heard you three are getting lessons with Princess Twilight," said Diamond Tiara. It was the next day at school.

"Yeah but we ain't supposed to brag about it" said Applebloom, "Twilight told us all about how Cassandra had ta step down from th' throne because ponies were jealous of her."

They had a good cry about how worse off the world was because of all Cassandra's haters.

"Well this is different, you can brag all you like, I'm trustworthy," insisted Diamond Tiara as she sat in a throne-like chair, stroking a fluffy white cat.

"What's in it fer us?" asked Applebloom suspiciously.

"If you introduce me to Twilight, I'll make you popular." said Diamond Tiara

"Hmmm I don't know, that sounds dubious," said Sweetie Belle.

"I'm just telling you to disobey the adults, how is that dubious?" asked Diamond Tiara as she twirled her moustache.

"Ah still have reservations" said Applebloom, "if we were gonna bring somepony else in on this, shouldn't it be somepony who's nice to us like Twist?"

"Does Twist have a pool?"

"What do we need a pool for?" asked Scootaloo, "there's a perfectly good lake that's safe for fillies now that Cassandra roundhouse kicked all the giant squids."

"My pool has, um, ...chlorine?" said Diamond Tiara desperately, "ok look, never mind, just sign this contract in blood ok?" She made a long scroll of paper appear in a whoosh of flames. They were convinced that it was legit.

The next day they went back for Twilight Time, and a mob of fillies came with them.

"We want to learn how to exploit fame for popularity," said the crowd.

"Gee wot, I wanna learn 'ow to make a cuppa Let It Be," said Pip

Twilight was starting to get terrified, this was more social interaction on this day than she typically had in a year.

"Twilight, I'm coming out," said Cassandra.

"but I already know you're bisexual," said Twilight, reminiscing about how Cassandra had struggled when ponies were intolerant of bisexuals.

"No, I mean it's time for me to come out and help you. She stepped out from behind the bookcase an addressed the crowd.

"Shame on you all for trying to use Twilight to make yourselves popular! She is a princess and a valuable educator, and anyone who can't appreciate that should get out now." They were all moved by her speech and though they were shallow, they did not want to disappoint Cassandra by being dishonest do they all left except the CMC.

"So, shall we get back to our lesson?"

"Actually Twilight" said Scootaloo, "can you teach us how to waterboard Diamond Tiara?"

"Sure!" said Twilight, "the first thing to do is grab her legs, and then...."

"Twilight!" scolded Cassandra, "what have I told you about being a bad influence?"

"But I'm supposed to be teaching them things" objected Twilight.

"Yes, but some things are not appropriate for the fillies," scolded Cassandra.

"Oh Cassandra, you're so smart. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"You'd do the best you could. What say we cancel the education grant and you just stick to teaching those three?" As usual Cassandra had found the perfect solution. Celestia was upset that the education initiative fell through, but she felt better after she had some cake.

Author's Note

Go check out another awesome OC, and good friend of mine, Effiela Claire
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/222651/playing-god

Chapter 45: The Relay Race

The ponies went to Rainbow Falls to qualify for the Equestria Games. Cassandra wasn't taking part because she was an honorary citizen of every nation of the world, thanks to her level 99 diplomacy skills.

"I know!" said Rainbow Dash, "we can distract them with Cassandra's hotness, and we'll definitely win the race!"

"Rainbow Dash!" scolded Cassandra, "I thought we talked about unfair advantages! I'm surprised at you! That comment undermines all the years of suffering I endured because the hater ponies were jealous of my perfect mane! Go stand in the corner, and think about what you said."

Rainbow Dash hung her head low, and skulled over to the corner.

"Don't be sad Rainbow, ah know what'll cheer ya up" said Applejack, "havin' an apple brown betty."

"She will not!" said Cassandra, "she's watching her figure, unlike two earth ponies I know." They agreed they were lucky to have a friend like Cassandra.

The train came to a stop at Rainbow Falls. "Can I come out of the corner now?" asked Dash.

"Yes," said Cassandra, " but as soon as we get outside, find another corner and stand in it."

"What if I gave you some practice kissing?" said Dash

"Fine, you can come out of the corner after 10 minutes."

Twilight was practicing cheering for the Ponyville team.

"Twi, ya know what would help ya cheer better?" sais Applejack, " an Apple Brown Betty."

"No you silly filly" said Cassandra, "she needs proteins and vegetables," she explained, cleverly avoiding saying "fruit."

"Cassandra, this book on cheering isn't helping me cheer better" said Twilight, "can you help me cheer?"

"I'd like to, because I have level 99 motivational skills" said Cassandra, "but my cheering is so powerful that it gives the team an unfair advantage.

Back in high school, Cassandra became captain of the cheer squad on her very first day of freshmare year. She dated the quarterback and taught him a lesson in sharing when he shared her in bed with the left tackle. They almost lost a game because they felt insecure when Cassandra's stamina had far outlasted theirs combined, but just when it looked like all hope was lost, her cheering brought them back to their very first championship in 200 years.

"Hey Rainbow Dash, wanna fly with us?" said Spitfire, "we have no reserves in case one of our fliers gets injured."

"Well," said Rainbow, "I do like the Wonderbolts..."

"It would mean being disloayal," said Fleet foot

"Don't worry, that's not a problem," said Dash.

,"but you are the Element of Loyalty," said Fleetfoot.

"Yeah, I was wondering about that myself," said Dash.

"Fleetfoot, if you keep dissuading Dash, you can be the next to have an accident" cautioned Spitfire.

So Rainbow Dash practiced with the Wonderboolts and ignored her own team.

The other ponies were too dumb to figure out what was going on but Cassandra was smart. "Something's amiss" she said.

"Ah wasnt payin' attention ta what you were sayin' 'cause ah was distracted thinkin' about mah cousin Braeburn, but it sounds ta me like yer problem could be solved by eatin' an apple brown betty," said Applejack

"That's it, Applejack, corner! Now!"

"Aw shoot" said Applejack.

"I'm not a monster," said Cassandra, " so I'll let you have a choice of corner." She drew a square in the dirt.

"Wow, five corners ta choose from!" gushed Applejack, "yer really merciful, Cassandra." said Applejack. She ate an apple brown betty.

"Rainbow Dash is practicing with the Wonderbolts" said Cassandra, using her level 99 deductive skills. She looked over at Derpy amd saw the cross eyed pony trying to fly straight but ramming into a tree repeatedly.

"I just don't know what went wrong," she explained.

"I do" said Cassandra. She fixed Derpy's eyes.

Derpy gasped, "thank you Cassandra! Won't you let me repay you with some practice kissing?"

"I will" said Cassandra, "but for now I have to go talk to the Wonderbolts."

"Why hello Cassandra" purred Spitfire, "if you're here to seduce me into spilling our secrets, you should know that my lips are unsealed."

"I'm here to warn you not to poach Rainbow Dash from Ponyville. I am the Element of Trust, so because you're intellectually and morally inferior to me, you should trust me."

Sadly, Spitfie's jealousy clouded her judgement. "I think that I'll ignore your advice. Dash, come over here for a minute."

"Yes, captain?"

Spitfire took her badge and pinned it on Rainbow Dash. "Now that I've pinned my pin on her, we're going steady." she explained.

"How old are you?" gawked Dash

"Rainbow Dash, I'm surprised at you!" said Rarity, "ask another mare's age, don't you know how impolite that is?"

"But seriously, you've got ponies who are really old like Granny Smith, and the foals, but everypony in between looks the exact same age."

"Won't you go with me?" asked Spitfire, "We can go to the picture show and eat popping corn out of the same bucket. It'll be a whale of a time."

"All right, that's enough." said Cassandra. You've gone too far, Spitfire!"

"Ooh, can I recommend a punishment?" asked Spitfire, holding up a whip.

Cassandra ignored her. "I didn't want i to come to this, but it has. Pinkie, give me a pair of pom poms"

"No... you don't mean...?"

"That's right. I'm going to cheer."

The race was on, and the Wonderbolts went first and clocked a pretty good time. Then it was Ponyville's turn and Cassandra took a deep breath, and began to cheer. A magical aura enveloped the Ponyville team. Applejack snarfed another apple brown betty. She got diabetes and died.

"YEAH!" said Bulk Biceps. The aura made Fluttershy not be shy temporarily and made Dash 20% cooler. She flew faster than she ever had when she was doing the Sonic Rainboom. They clobbered the Wonderbolts' time and Ponyville qualified. The judges were so moved that they forged a special medal for "best cheer"

But there were consequences. Two cheer teams felt so inadequate that they hung up their pom poms for good. Five dozen spectators became jealous, and seven dozen rooted for Ponyville instead of their own team. It was hard being so beautiful and talented.

Chapter 46: The Battle of the Bands (The Movie)

Previously on the Cassandra Chronicles

"Sunset Shimmer was my third most faithful student behind Twilight and Cassandra" explained Celestia, "but when she didn't get what she wanted, she jumped through the mirror portal."

"We need to acquire the crown by any means necessary," said Cassandra.

"I agree, we have to get it in the most indirect method possible," said Twilight.

"I challenge one of you to a soccer match" said Rainbow Dash.

Cassandra stood up, but Rarity stopped her, "careful dear, she hates losing."

"In that case, Twilight I trust you to win the soccer match," said Cassandra.

"Rainbow texted me sayin' she was gonna bring th' softball team to mah bake sale, and they didn't show! That was th' sole reason ah barely sold any apple treats! One guy was so disgusted by the softball players' absence that he spit out his apple treat right in mah face!"

"Hold on a minute" said Cassandra, "now, I come from a world where the telegraph is considered cutting edge technology, so take this for what it's worth, but it occurs to me that these 'text messages' came with some sort of digital identifier that would verify the original sender."

"Holy Celestia she's right!" said Rarity, "these are all from Sunset Shimmer."

They became friends again.

Twilight and her friends were too weak to stop Sunset Shimmer, but Cassandra wasn't. She blasted the demon Sunset and the day was saved.

The Mane 7 were at Twilight's new castle, helping her set things up. Everything started going a lot smoother after Applejack fell out a window and died; the number of times they had to drop what they were doing and help somepony with her head stuck in a bucket was sharply decreased.

A delivery pony came by with a cart full of books. "Where do you want these books, Princess?"

"In the library of course" said Twilight.

"Even the one that's glowing and vibrating?"

"No. Take that one to my bedroom."

"Twilight!" said Cassandra, "that is not an appropriate thing to talk about in polite company!"

Twilight hung her head in shame. She was very intelligent but had poor social skills. The others were also ashamed because they were less intelligent and had only marginally better social skills.

"It's ok" said Cassandra, "you're cute and that makes up for it." They had a group hug.

"Now this diary" said Cassandra knowingly, "is actually a communications device. It means somepony just wrote something in it." They read the diary and indeed, it was a message from Sunset Shimmer, three strange girls were stealing the life force out of innocent students.

"My little ponies!" proclaimed Celestia, "you must retrieve the Crown of Magic!"

"That was last movie." said Cassandra.

"Then you must find the Rainbow Rocks!"

"Try again."

"You have to... Bring me lunch?"

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, I'm really hungry."

"When aren't you?"

"So I guess we just have to wait for 28 moons to pass and then we can save the day!" declared Twilight

"Oh no we don't" said Cassandra. She pulled the sheet off of a giant mirror. "We can go to the mirror world with this whenever we need."

"I think it would be best if only Cassandra and I went to the Mirror World," said Twilight, "because otherwise we'll get confused by there being two of everypony."

"Erm, I think we have bigger problems to worry about than confusion," said Cassandra, "like three Sirens trying to take over the world and kill its inhabitants."

"No, being slightly confused is much worse than being shorthanded. We're going to ignore your advice."

"And then they sang in the cafeteria while standing on tables except the one who was standing on a table was wearing slacks instead of a skirt. We had to give them a solid minute of upskirt action to gain even a fraction of that much control when we did our song." Rarity had just finished recapping the part that Cassandra wasn't in. Not surprisingly, it was one of the less-interesting parts of this story. "Also since this world is a matriarchy, the amount of touching they were doing to the boys during their song was kind of not ok."

"Also, by sheer coincidence, we put together a band a couple of weeks ago, and are all highly proficient in our instruments." added Fluttershy, "and when we play music we grow pony ears and tails."

"And you didn't think to try and reach out to me about that until something bad happened?"

"Well it seems obvious in hindsight," said Sunset.

"Anyway," said Cassandra, "since we're not affected by their singing, and we have the numbers to physically overpower them, I think it's obvious how we're going to get their magic pendants away from them."

"Yeah! We gotta sing at them until their pendants shatter," said Applejack.

"C'mon Applejack, even you have know that that's not right." said Cassandra

"Guys, I think we should listen to Cassandra about this not being the best solution," said Twilight.

"We'll let you be lead singer," said Rainbow. For all of Twilight's great qualities 'her lack of social skills made her susceptible to peer pressure.

"Ok, I'll do it" said Twilight.

The Mane humans explained their roles in the band

"I'm the lead singer and lead guitarist. Also the band is named after me" said Rainbow Dash.

"I'm on drums," said Pinkie, "because when you think of who you want on the instrument that is the glue that holds everything together, you think the spastic one."

"Meep" said Fluttershy shyly.

"Oh, tambourine?" said Cassandra, "why that's a lovely instrument. And you play it so well." Fluttershy smiled and blushed

"I'm on keytar," said Rarity, "which is exactly the same as being classically trained in piano."

"And finally me, ah'm on the most difficult instrument of all - bass."

Cassandra gawked. "You serious Applejack? If anything you have the easiest and least important role."

"T'aint true!" objected Applejack, "in some songs ah gotta play a B over an' over, an' in other songs, ah gotta play a G over an' over. Besides, what about Fluttershy an' her tambourine? Ah could to that in mah sleep!"

"You mind your place!" said Cassandra, smacking her in the back of the head, "Fluttershy has to keep her own tempo independent of the drums, and she can dance, AND, she's the eye candy for the audience." The latter was because she had a body that was quite similar to Cassandra's and almost as hot. "But don't worry Applejack, I'm sure there are some guys outside of your family that like flat-chested girls who smell like a pigsty." Applejack smiled. Cassandra was the best at reassuring people.

That night they had a sleepover at Pinkie Pie's house.

"This is my sister Maud" said Pinkie, "she's studying for her rocktorate."

"Rocks" said Maud

"Is she gonna be a rocktologist? Hyuck hyuck hyuck" said Applejack

Maud punched her face

"Oh! My nose!" said Applejack.

"Can we keep her?" said Cassandra, "she's a farmer who speaks her mind more bluntly than anyone I know. Just saying"

It was late at night. Celestia's three best students were in the kitchen. "Who needs this much whipped cream?" asked Sunset.

"I can think of one reason" quipped Cassandra.

Sunset blushed and snickered.

"I don't get it," said Twilight.

"Never mind" said Sunset.

"Cassandra, will you help me write the magic song?" said Twilight

"Of course I will. Let me see what you've got so far." Cassandra flipped through the human alicorn's notebook. "Twilight, what's with all the drawings?"

"This world has something called Deviantart," explained Twilight, "it's where I can get my art viewed 50,000 times and get famous."

Cassandra shook her head, "Twilight, you were supposed to be writing the song. Luckily for you, I'll use my level 99 wordsmithing skills to-"

"Boulder was hungry." Maud stood in the doorway, neutral faced but obviously lusting over Cassandra. "In return for my hospitality, I wish to borrow your friend for a while."

"Hey, listen here Fifty Shades of Grey, we're kind of busy right now so you'll have to get your rocks off somewhere else." Cassandra didn't like being harsh but it was the truth.

"I'm insatiable" said Maud flatly.

Cassandra sighed. "Well, you did punch Applejack so I guess I owe you one. Fine, but don't blame me if you finish too fast. I have that effect on people." The two of them left the room, while Twilight and Sunset stood shocked over the fact that she didn't even stumble and say "ponies," because she was cool and collected under pressure.

"I've never written a song without Cassandra's help," said Twilight worriedly

"Me neither, but we're two smart ponies, what's the worst that could happen?"

"We wrote dubstep," said Twilight. Cassandra gave them a stunned stare,

"What!? How..... you know what, I don't even want to know." She grabbed Twilight's notebook and tore it in half. "You'll thank me for this later. Here, start over." She handed Twilight a new pen and notebook

"Y-you're letting me use your pen? The same pen with which you proved Fermat's Last Theorem?"

"It's just a pen Twilight"

"But some of your authorial talent must have rubbed off onto the pen and then onto me."

"Yeah ok if that's what you need to tell yourself"

"We have to be careful" said Sunset, "because all our plans will fail if we show off too much awesomeness." Cassandra took a huge step backwards.

"I'll be cheering for you backstage," said Cassandra, "not too awesomely of course."

Cassandra took it upon herself to console Lyra and Bonbon and Octavia when they lost, because the Sirens were evil villains who liked shallow and artificial music and had no appreciation for the classics. They all gave Cassandra some practice kissing for her troubles, which they enjoyed because they were all lesbians.

Finally it was time for the Rainbooms to face the Dazzlings. But there was trouble, they all got trapped under the stage, except Cassandra who was nimble, and did a wicked cool backflip to get out of the way just as the trapdoor opened.

"Vinyl, we need you!" said Cassandra.

"ME? WHY ME?" asked the girl, unaware of how loud her voice was, thanks to her headphones.

"Because if you don't have a part in this movie, Hasbro won't sell enough DJ PON3 dolls."

"WELL I'D LOVE TO HELP, BUT I'M DEAF AND EVERYTHING'S PURPLE." Cassandra rolled her eyes and lifted up the DJ's glasses and headphones. "What the... oh my Celestia, you've cured me!"

"I'm not sure I can cure your stupidity, but we'll worry about that later. Go get the Prius ex Machina."

"I'm on it." Vinyl got her car and it transformed into an amp. Cassandra hooked up her stratocoaster and began to play. Earlier that day, Cassandra had been playing Guitar Hero, and despite only having had fingers for 2 days, she got 100% on "Through The Fire and the Flames." So, she shredded like a pro and the sirens' pendants were shattered. If the Mane 6 had vanquished them, they would have lost their singing voices completely, but Cassandra's magic was much more powerful. The Dazzlings kept their ability to sing, but now they could only sing Justin Bieber songs. Sonata traded the last of her singing ability for tacos.

"Don't you think it's dangerous to let them keep a little bit of their powers?" asked Twilight.

"Nah," said Sunset, "their singing only affects tween girls now, and no magic in Equestria can make them more catty and obnoxious."

"It's true" agreed Rarity and Applejack.

The band showcase went on as scheduled and everyone got participation ribbons because in the grand scheme of things, none of them looked particularly outstanding next to Cassandra. Flash Sentry got last place for being an overpowered Gary Stu. No one ever figured out why they grew pony ears, nor did they particularly care.

Earth Twilight sat at her desk. Mounted on the wall was her bulletin board of mysteries, with unlabeled readings from her seismograph, and pictures of question marks which were vitally helpful to have there. She looked over at her dog. "Do you see this squiggly line, Spike? This was my heart rate when I laid eyes on the one called Cassandra."

Author's Note

I know there was a lack of Dazzlings in this, but if you're wondering what they got up to, here's one possibility:

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/229176/the-three-sirens

Chapter 47: The Babies

It was approximately 9 months after Mr and Mrs Cake's romantic getaway.

"Mrs. Cake is looking heavier than usual" observed Twilight, "I wonder if it's because she's been eating too many sweets, or not exercising, or both. Sorry, what was the question again?"

"I was asking if you'd like sugar in your coffee," said Mr. Cake.

"Oh, no thank you, sugar makes you gain weight like Mrs. Cake. I know these things because I've read more books on nutrition than everypony, except Cassandra, of course."

"Of course. Who do you think taught me to make this coffee?"

"I'm not surprised that Cassandra makes the best coffee in the world. She has a mystical connection with the earth and its plants despite being a pegasus, and can do magic despite being a unicorn."

"She is great isn't she?" sighed Mr Cake, "if I wasn't married to Mrs Cake, I'd...."

"And I would too if I wasn't married to you, honeybun," said Mrs. Cake. She gave him a peck on the cheek.

A little while later, Mrs. Cake gave birth to twins, one filly and one colt. They were named in honor of Cassandra, who saved the shop from a giant pumpkin by pounding it to a pulp.

"Where do babies come from?" asked Pinkie

"You seriously don't know?" said Cassandra.

"Of course not; I spent my childhood on a Puritan rock farm, and my adulthood acting like a child."

"Touche."

"Babies come from that thing that me an' Braeburn do whenever he comes over fer a visit" said Applejack, "or at least it would if he din't wear a rubber- mmph!" Cassandra had shoved a hoof in Applejack's mouth.

"So if I do construction on the barn while I'm not wearing a raincoat, it'll make babies happen?"

Twilight chuckled, "no, Pinkie. The facilitation of zygogenesis is initiated when a stallion- mmph!" Cassandra had shoved one of her back hooves into Twilight's mouth, using her level 99 balancing skills to keep herself steady now that two of her legs were preoccupied with silencing overly talkative ponies.

JD was tending to the Cakes and their new babies "Congratulations you guys, they're going great." He walked away and thought to himself, "I guess my whole theory about life and death balancing each other out in the hospital doesn't hold true. I guess sometimes you get lucky"

Applejack sang a stanza of "Waiting For My Real Life to Begin." Then she died.

"I should foalsit them because I'm closest in terms of maturity," suggested Pinkie.

"That makes sense. After all, pegasi of a feather, flock together," said Mrs. Cake.

"Nopony says that," said Cassandra. They should have listened to her because not only was she a pegasus, but she was a lot smarter than them thanks to her level 99 intelligence.

"Good luck with foalsitting, Pinkie Pie" said Mr Cake.

"I believe you mean that without the comma," said Cassandra, "I had planned on protecting Ponyville from the hydra in the bog, but I have level 99 multitasking skills, I can do that and watch over Pinkie. As the Element of Trust, it's my duty to ensure that less competent ponies earn my trust."

"Well you just go on and save Ponyville. Your Auntie Pinkie Pie will take care of the babies."

"I'm a millennium older than you" remarked Cassandra.

"Don't you worry. I'm right in my Element as long as they continue to have laughter as their only emotion."

Cassandra was at the bog making peace talks with the hydra when she started getting a feeling that something had gone wrong with Pinkie, so she flew back to Sugarcube Corner at the speed of sound. She could hear the sound of babies crying from inside.

"C-come on babies don't cry" said Pinkie nervously "Oh I know, I'll tell you a joke. A zebra and a mortician are on the Hindenbird..."

"Hold it right there, you silly filly!" said Cassandra, "you are foalsitting wrong!" They're crying because they need their bottles." She gave them their bottles and took off.

Negotiations had gotten hostile back at the bog. Cassandra was forced to restrain the hydra by tying his necks around a tree, but she couldn't tie the knots too tight without hurting the creature. She had just enough time to go back and help Pinkie.

Back at Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie desperately tried to maintain order. "Pumpkin, stop chewing on toys! Pound, stop pounding things! If you guys don't behave, you're going to have a time out in the corner."

"Nonpony puts babies in the corner!" said Pound.

"Pinkie, it's normal for babies to chew on things, you can't stop them anymore than you can stop the tides from turning. Pound, however, you will be in trouble if you keep pounding things and talking back."

"Hey, it's not my fault that nondescript magic is used as a justification for employing the hackneyed 'all babies are secretly geniuses' trope."

"One more word, young stallion," said Cassandra harshly. Pound got the message and clammed up. "Now Pinkie, foalsitting means more than just extra playtime Being a caregiver is way more responsibility than just being a playmate. Sometimes your desire for responsibility can outrun your actual ability to handle it."

Pinkie's eyes went wide, "Cassandra, that is such a good lesson! I'm so glad to have a pony as smart as you as my friend." Pound fluttered down to the floor and Pumpkin's horn shut off, the magical surge was over.

"I taught them to say their first word" said Cassandra.

"Pinkie" said Pound
"Pie" said Pumpkin.

Pinkie squealed with delight, "oooh Cassandra! You taught them to say my name instead of yours! That's so selfless! You're the best foalsitter of all time!"

Cassandra shook her head. "No Pinkie, the magic was in you the whole time."

"You mean it?"

"Nah I'm just joshing with you, I did all the work. But keep at it. you're great at baking cakes, someday you'll be just as great at foalsitting them."

As it turned out, the hydra was attracted to Queen Chrysalis. Being a fully ordained minister, Cassandra wed the two of them, and the hydra never had to eat ponies again, and thanks to his love, Chrysalis never had to invade Equestria again. Cassandra did all this while making sure Pinkie didn't screw up, because she's just that good.

Chapter 48: Equality (Part 1)

The Mane 7 went to a small town that had sent out a distress call. When they got there, they found that the ponies were smiling rather creepily. The mayor was normal though.

"Welcome to our humble little town. I am Twilight Sparkle."

"Wait a minute, I'm Twilight Sparkle" said Twilight.

"What a coincidence!" said the mayor "We're both Twilight Sparkle."

"No, you have to change your name," said Twilight harshly.

"Aww, but I really like it."

"You have five seconds before I submit a royal order to change it to Buttface."

"Is she serious?" said the mayor. The others shrugged.

"Four....three..."

"Ok, how about..." she flipped though her thesaurus. "...Starlight...Glimmer."

"Stralight Glimmer who couldn't be dimmer. I approve" said Twilight. "So what's this town's name?"

"Well, since everypony is equal, I call it Equestria."

"Try again," said Cassandra.

"Screw it, I'm just gonna leave it blank." said Starlight. She used her magic to knock down the sign. "Now then, I need you to remove your cutie marks. Once you do, your colors will become washed up and your manes will take on a boring hairstyle." Strangely, her own coat and mane had neither of those qualities. She took them to the vault where the cutie marks are kept.

"This isn't a vault it's more like a museum" commented Twilight, "can I really trust somepony who doesn't know basic dictionary definitions?"

"Perhaps, but if I were a villain, I'd have to be pretty thick in the head to put them in an easily-breakable case and show you where they are."

"Touché" said Rarity

"Now, to convince you to get an equals sign cutie mark let us sing a song about equality." The ponies weren't allowed to be better than the worst performer in town, so it was awfully convenient that every single resident was a finalist on "Equestria's Got Talent."

"This smacks of Joseph Stallion." commented Twilight.

Starlight chuckled, "Come come now, you're making it sound like I'm the Thought Police."

"You can't have a nightmare if you never dream," chorused the singers.

"Um... heh" said Starlight nervously, "look why don't you just have a look around town? Once you see all these shiny happy ponies laughing, you'll stop asking questions and be be begging to surrender your cutie marks."

"As the Element of Trust, I don't trust her."

"Sports!" said Rainbow Dash.

"I don't know about that" said Fluttershy, "she said her favorite book was some George Horsewell thing about cute little animals on a farm. How can she possibly be evil?"

"I'm hungry, let's get muffins," said Pinkie. They went to the bakery, an the baker gave them some burnt and inedible muffins.

"I'm really sorry about this, but I'm not allowed to be better than the worst baker in town. Which gets me to thinking, if I offed the top 5 worst bakers, I could be a little better. Oh, sorry, look at me rambling on" said Sugar Belle. "Anyway, enjoy your muffins."

"Ah have a plan" said Applejack. "It involves me bein' able to tell a lie convincin'ly."

"Perhaps we should have someone who isn't the Element of Honesty tell the lie." suggested Cassandra

"Well, as much sense as that makes, th' fact still remains that yer disagreein' with me, so ah'm gonna ignore yer advice." She cleared her throat, and spoke in an unnecessarily loud and unnatural tone, "Pinkie ate all the muffins so we better go inside an' git some more, an' not go down ta Sugar Belle's basement ta plot ta overthrow Starlight Glimmer."

"Hmm" said Double Diamond, "I may be as gullible as the most gullible pony in town, but she's such a bad liar that not even I believe that."

They went to Sugar Belle's basement, but it turned out to be a trap! They all got captured except for Cassandra who used her level 99 evasion skills to escape.

"Well, I didn't expect to be able to capture Cassandra, but I still have the rest of you."

"Gasp!" said Twilight, "you didn't underestimate Cassandra?" Girls, this might just be the smartest villain we've ever faced."

To be continued

Chapter 49: Equality (Part 2)

The Mane 6 were locked in a room, with speakers blaring messages of equality.

"If only I was as smart as Cassandra, I would've seen this coming" said Twilight.

"If only I was as fast as Cassandra, I would've escaped" said Rainbow Dash.

"If only I was as sexy as Cassandra, I could have seduced Starlight into letting us out of here," finished Rarity.

"Well, none of us is Cassandra, so I guess we're hopeless" said Fluttershy.

"You guys, mah cutie mark is preventin' me from sayin' country thangs and talkin' about apples."

"Then every cloud does have a silver lining," quipped Pinkie Pie.

From outside, they heard a beautiful but angry voice that could only belong to the marvelous Cassandra. "Stralight Glimmer! Let my friends go!"

"Very well" said Starlight, "but I want something in exchange; your cutie mark!"

"Don't do it, Cassandra!" cried Twilight.

"Yeah, your cutie mark is worth a lot more than six normal ponies!" said Pinkie

"I have made up my mind" said Cassandra, "I'll do it."

"Wonderful!" chirped Starlight, "Afterwards, we'll have everypony in town build you a house. It won't be a good house by any means - we're only allowed to be as good as the worst architect- but it'll stay standing for just as long as everypony else's. Naturally, it'll take an extraordinarily long time to build your house, so until it's done, you'll live in my house and sleep in my bed. It's the tradition for every new pony."

"Hold on, you didn't let me do the latter" said Party Favor.

Starlight ignored him. "Now then, to remove your cutie mark." She got out her staff and magically removed Cassandra's cutie mark. It glistened in the sun as it flew to the vault. When it settled into its spot, alone on the top row, its covering was magically decorated with a gold leaf trim in an intricate ivy pattern.

Cassandra's momentarily blank flank was replaced by a symbol. Upon seeing it, the town gasped in shock. Cassandra's flank was now adorned with a sideways letter V.

"Wh-what? How can this be?" exclaimed Starlight, "That's not an equals sign!"

Cassandra nodded. "Indeed, my little pony, it is not. This you see here is the 'greater than' symbol. It is a curse that I must bear, that no simple unicorn magic can lower me down to the level of the common pony. It is impossible for me to be as unskilled, inept, or incapable as anypony here."

"Th-then I... I demand you leave our town!" said Starlight, trembling in fear, "nonpony wants you here!"

Cassandra didn't even flinch. Starlight glanced around nervously a the beautiful pegasus strode towards her until her piercing kaleidoscope eyes were an inch away from hers. "What did you just say to me?" she asked in a voice not much louder than normal, but terrifying as it seethed anger.

"N-nothing! Just a stupid comment, I swear!" Her knees began to knock as she stood, only unyielding because she was paralyzed with fear.

"You're suggesting that I be isolated from the group because I don't conform to your standards? That I should be shamed and mocked?"

"No Cassandra, nothing like that! Please have mercy! I'm sorry!"

"Well I'm very sorry too, but I have a zero tolerance policy for bullying. So now, you have to pay." She picked up Starlight and flew high into the air, high above the clouds.

"Please! Put me down! I gave up my cutie mark so I can't cast a spell to save myself if I fall!"

"No can do" said Cassandra, "but if it's any consolation, all ponies fall at equal velocities." She released Starlight Glimmer.

"AAAAAAAAAH!" cried Starlight as she fell through the clouds, speeding towards the ground. "Somepony help! Catch me!" The ponies hurried towards her, but drained of their cutie marks, they could only run and fly at an impotently slow pace. They had no hope of reaching her.

Twenty feet from the ground, Starlight realized she was out of options, except one. She fired up her magic and conjured up a large crashmat. She landed on it two seconds later, kicking up a cloud of dust. When it cleared, Party Favor approached her and cupped her flank with his hoof. Her equals sign cutie mark smudged and wiped off, revealing the real one underneath.

"Look everypony! Party Favor discovered that her cutie mark was fake!"

"Er yeah, that's what I was doing." said Party Favor.

"Now give them back their cutie marks!" ordered Cassandra

"Wait! What if I give you some practice kissing?"

"Tempting offer, but I know a secret about you."

"No...."

"Yes. Starlight Glimmer, the reason you started this equality society is.... you're the worst kisser in Equestria."

"I-it's true! I'm ashamed!" she sobbed, "I was jealous, and I needed a way for ponies to never find out!"

"Now come quietly and don't make me hunt you down."

"Never!" She took off towards the mountains.

"After her!" said Double Diamond.

"No! Go get your cutie marks from the vault," said Cassandra, "now I have to save my friends." She busted down the door and five grateful ponies ran out.

"Cassandra!" said Rarity, "I knew you'd come through for us!" They had a group hug. All of them were safe and sound, except for Applejack, who died.

"We have to get our cutie marks back!" said Rainbow Dash.

"Oh, you mean these things?" said Cassandra, holding up 6 jars, "I found them in a secret room under Starlight's bed. I have level 99 detective skills."

"Oh Cassandra, you're wonderful!" said Fluttershy, "now we just need to catch that mean old Starlight Glimmer."

"Oh, you don't have to worry about her," said Cassandra, "you see, I'm not just the 7th Element of Harmony, I'm also a bounty hunter with a 120% capture rate. Not only did I deliver on every single one of my commissions, I caught ponies that escaped from jail before the prisons even realized they'd escaped. so don't you worry, Starlight's as easy to catch as a level 3 Ratatta."

"I used a Masterball to catch a level 3 Ratatta," said Rarity.

Chapter 50: Bad Luck

Applejack was going to Appleloosa to help out in the rodeo and visit Braeburn. He had gotten a wrist injury as a consequence of going too long without seeing Applejack.

Because the Cutie Mark Crusaders were going along, Cassandra would be joining them. Applejack wasn't allowed to watch the three little fillies by herself.

"Now y'all just mosey along with Cassandra. Ah gotta stack these hay bales in a top heavy pattern. Ah hope you ain't too disappointed that ah won't get ta spend much time with ya."

"We ain't" assured Applebloom.

"Hey cuz, welcome back to Aaaaaaaaaaaapleloosa!" said Braeburn.

"Well howdy Braeburn," said Applejack in a sultry tone, "how's about you an' me go practice rope tricks?"

"Rodeo practice? But ah thought we were gonna..." he blushed as the implication dawned on him, "ohhhhh. Heh heh, you're naughty, cuz.

"Hey AJ, you might want to watch that stack," said Cassandra, pointing at the haystack swaying back and forth.

"Hmmm, nah, it'll hold," said Applejack, "now if yeh'll excuse me an' Braeburn, we gotta discuss some stuff in private." The two of them went back to Braeburn's house.

A gust of wind picked up, and the haystack rocked back and forth, getting more and more sideways with each swing, until finally, it reached the tipping point and collapsed,

"Look out everypony!" cried the sheriff.

"Not to worry, sheriff, I'm on it." said Cassandra. "You three, stay back here," said Cassandra to the CMC. Then, she took to the air and flew in circles around the falling hay like a light blue tornado. When the dust cleared, the hay was neatly stacked in a pyramid shape, and not a single bystander had even a scratch on them.

"Whoa Cassandra, that was radical!" said Scootaloo, "I wish I could do that and get a cutie mark in saving ponies."

"I wish I could be you" said Sweetie Belle, "well except for the part where I do naughty things with Rarity, of course."

"Why did you three get closer?" demanded Cassandra, "I told you to stay back! You could've gotten seriously hurt if you were being watched by somepony less capable than me!"

"We're sorry." said the CMC.

There was a hoof print on the ground with a horseshoe imprint. "Ah knew it" said Braeburn, "this accident musta been caused by Troubleshoes! What else besides an evil pony could cause a 50-foot Jenga tower to fall over?"

"Physics?" said Cassandra.

"Bunk! Ah ain't buyin' it!" said Braeburn

Cassandra sighed, "fine, if you need evidence, I'll go find some."

"Braeburn, it ain't safe ta leave th' kids by themselves" said Applejack, "ah need you ta watch them tonight"

"But AJ..." whined Braeburn

"Don't worry, ah'll make it up to ya tomorrow," she said with a wink.

Braeburn struggled to stay up all night, but he kept watch. Then Applejack came by and declared "Ah couldn't stay away! Hold me Braeburn!"

The CMC used this as a diversion to escape. They followed the trail of mysterious footprints to a trailer in the woods. When they opened the door, they discovered the cleanest house they'd ever seen.

"Oh, hello there" said Troubleshoes.

"Ugh" groaned Cassandra, facehooving, "Let me guess, Applejack did something stupid and you took the opportunity to escape?"

"Eeyup" said Applebloom.

"Now we're here to find out the truth about Troubleshoes and help him come up with a solution," said Sweetie Belle.

"You're too late" said Cassandra, "I already taught him that he wouldn't fall down so much if he cleaned up after himself once in a while and didn't leave all his stuff on the floor."

"Well..." said Scootaloo, "what about his clumsiness? He should be a rodeo clown."

"Absolutely not!" said Cassandra, "they might look like they're just injuring themselves, but in reality, they're performing a carefully choreographed routine, and if they don't follow it properly, somepony could get seriously hurt or killed!"

"But then what do we do?" asked Sweetie Belle.

"I was just about to do it before you three came in. Ever since the Starlight Glimmer debacle, I've been researching cutie mark spells." Cassandra could do magic despite bring a pegasus. "I have one that can invert anypony's cutie mark. I haven't found any use for it before now, but Troubleshoes' cutie mark just so happens to be something that has a different meaning depending on the orientation."

"So you can flip that horseshoe over an' make him have good luck instead!" said Applebloom, finally connecting the dots. "Wow Cassandra, yer so much smarter than Applejack!"

"Who ain't?" replied Cassandra.

"Thank ya so much Cassandra!" said Troubleshoes, "ah knew mah luck had turned from th' moment ah met you."

"The one thing I don't get" said Scootaloo, "is how you went to every single rodeo without being seen. You're huge!"

"Ah never understood that mahself," admitted Troubleshoes, "there were tons of times where ah was sure that Braeburn saw me, but he didn't seem to notice. He was just starin' off into space murmurin' 'Applejack, Applejack.'"

"It's a mystery," agreed Cassandra, not wanting to say anything in front of the foals.

They went to the rodeo, and Troubleshoes won first prize, thanks to Cassandra's level 99 coaching skills. Applejack built the 50-foot haystack again to win the lasso competiton.

"You should take that down now," advised Cassandra

"Well ah'm gonna ignore yer advice" said Applejack, "now send in the clowns!"

The rodeo clowns did their routine perfectly, encouraged by Cassandra's presence. They got tons of laughs, but none as big as when the haystack fell on Applejack and she died.

The end.

Chapter 51: The Rock Farm

Pinkie Pie and Applejack were going to visit Pinkie Pie's family for Hearth's Warming Eve. As Pinkie and Applejack were the two least mentally-developed of the Mane 7, Cassandra graciously agreed to go with them.

"Let me explain to you how many new friendships there will be" said Cassandra, "discounting myself because I'm friends with everypony, and Pinkie because she knows her family, that leaves four of yourselves and four Pies; that's sixteen."

"Erm dontcha mean fifteen cause ah'm already buddy-buddy with Maud?"asked AJ. Cassandra pulled out the script for the episode Maud Pie, and pointed to a line,

Maud Pie: I know how important it is to you that your friends become my friends, but I just don't think it's going to happen.

"In fact, if I were a betting mare, I'd go with 12 new friendships being formed," said Cassandra.

"Well yer gonna lose that money" said Applejack, "cause ah'm gonna make them be friends with me, even if ah hafta break th' Geneighva Convention to do it!"

"I know math too" said Maud, "if a filly finds six pieces of jade, and turns two of them over to a mineralogist, how many pieces of jade does she have?"

"That's easy," said Apple Bloom, "four."

"Incorrect." replied Maud, "she thought they were jade, but the mineralogist discovered that they were actually talc. So the answer is zero."

They arrived at the rock farm and Pinkie brought out her family to meet Applejack's.

"Cassandra. Mine forebearers oweth thou a debt of gradidude fort teaching us how to be bedder rock farmers." said Igneous.

"Hit it, Coolio" said Limestone Pie.

"As I walk through the valley where the geodes are large,
I take a look at my farm, and realize I'm in charge,
'cause I've been keeping it running so long,
that even my sister thinks that my mind is gone,
but, I'm the kind of mare you wanna be like when you're older,
I ain't never decked a pony who respected my boulder,
They call me Limestone Pie, it's the sourest rock,
'cause they use Limestone to make gravestones and chalk.

We've been spending most our lives, living on a rock farm with the Pies,
Gaze deeply in my eyes, living on a rock farm with the Pies
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Word. Don't touch my boulder, fool."

Pinkie rolled her eyes, and chimed in, "Tell me why are we, too blind to see, that the only one, who should rap, is Pinkie?"

"Now 'tis dime for us to eat stone soup, just like in the book" said Cloudy Quartz, serving each of them a bowl of soup with a stone in it.

"Mrs. Pie" said Cassandra, "I don't mean to speak out of line, but did you actually read the book?"

"Bud of course! I hath mine copy right here!" she replied, taking an old-looking foals' book off of the shelf, and began to read. "Onct, a weary traveller came across a threadbare town. He asked the villagers if they couldst spare a morsel of nourishment, but they replied,

"Nay traveller, we hath nod a thing that we can spare."

"Very well. In that case, may I trouble you for a stone?"

"I suppose so, although stones art inedible."

"You shall stand corrected, be well studious of my pot, for with this stone, I shall make stone soup!"

"Now after that, a couple of pages art missing, but on the last page, everypony ist happily feasting on stone soup. The moral of the story is crystal clear. Ponies art capable of digesting rocks."

"Could you excuse me for a moment? I have to write a letter to Twilight." Cassandra was part dragon, so she could send letters to the princesses. About a minute later, a newer copy of Stone Soup appeared in a burst of green flame.. Cassandra handed it over to Cloudy Quartz, who began reading through it.

"Well my stars, they made a stew out of real food, not stones! Cassandra, as per usual you did teach us a lesson. From now on, our Hearth's Warming Eve tradition shall be to ead real food!"

"Hooray!" said everypony.

Next, they went on a rock scavenger hunt. Pinkie put them all together in teams, but Limestone was by herself. "Allow me to go with Limestone" said Cassandra, "I can see that deep down she's just looking for a friend and she's just lashing out based on her own insecurities."

"Cassandra, you've made me take a good long look at myself, and now I won't be mean anymore" said Limestone Pie.

"Pinkie, this sucks" said Applejack, "ah've decided that ah'm gunna make yer Hearth's Warming Eve better.

The next morning, they awoke to kitschy Hearth's Warming Eve decorations everywhere.

"Happy Hearth's Warmin' Day!" said Applejack, "Ah put mah crap all over yer rocks. Ah hope those weren't important to ya!"

"Applejack, you planted your flag on a fault line," said Cassandra.

"Ah bullpucky, ah'm gonna ignore yer advice. Now wait till ya see what ah did with th' quarry." She walked down the hill, and just as she reached the bottom, the fault line gave out, and Holder's Boulder fell down, crushing Applejack, and she died.

"NOOOOOO!" said Limestone, "how are we ever going to put the boulder back? Even with our combined might, we are powerless!"

"Wait here," said Cassandra, "I have a plan." She went back into town and saw a random background unicorn. "Excuse me, miss?" she called, "we've got a magic emergency, could you come with me please?" The unicorn couldn't say no to one as beautiful and radiant as the gorgeous pegasus standing there, and even though she was straight as an arrow, show couldn't help but feel bisexual now. The two of them went back to the rock farm, and the unicorn used her magic to gently levitate the boulder back into place.

"Hooray!" said everypony, cheering for Cassandra, whose brilliance had once again saved Hearth's Warming.

Big Mac and and Marble Pie were cuddling, blushing and averting their eyes from one another. Cassandra walked over to them and whispered, "listen Big M, I don't mean to be a cockblock, but you two may be cousins, so how's about you stop at third? But I know you're both felling frisky, so I'm willing to pinch-hit if you know what I mean." Marble didn't because girls don't get sports. Cassandra whispered in her ear.

"Oh Cassandra, you're the best friend in the whole wide world of Equestria!" exclaimed Marble Pie.

"Collective gasp!" said the other members of the Pie family, "Cassandra, you made her talk!"

It truly was a Hearth's Warming Eve miracle.

Author's Note

Merry Hearth's Warming and a happy new year!

[G3 Special] The Painting Party

Author's Note

Reference material:

[G3 Special] The Painting Party

Toula Roola was planning to host a party so she enlisted Pinkie Pie for party consultation and Cassandra for general knowledge consultation.

"So I have - ff - eight plates for us - ff - the eight of us - ff - and we'll each - ff - take one and..."

"Why are you making that noise?" interjected Pinkie Pie

"It's called - ff - speaking English"

"Not that, the blowing sound" said Cassandra, "and I don't mean the kind you did to get your art featured in Hoity Toity's gallery."

"Oh, that? - ff - My mane keeps getting in my eyes, so I have - to - ff - keep blowing it out of the way. It's - ff - endearing."

"Actually, it's really annoying," said Pinkie Pie, "and there's a million better solutions."

"Name - ff - two." said Toola Roola defiantly.

Cassandra held out a hair clip and a picture of Sweeney Todd. "Take your pick." Toola selected the hair clip, and fastened her stray strands in place. "Atta girl," complimented Cassandra.

"Cassandra, can I talk to you alone for a sec?" asked Pinkie Pie, pulling the immaculate pegasus aside. "A group of ponies that regularly get together and go on adventures as a team is called a 'party,' so it falls under my jurisdiction to be an expert on them. According to the various analyses I've run, we have one more pony than we need, and might consider dropping some dead weight." She coughed as surreptitiously motioned at Toola Roola.

"You're completely right about that," agreed Cassandra, "and Toola Roola might just be the worst pony in the history of Equestria, but between you and me, this is one of those problems that just works itself out. Call it a premonition, but I don't expect much of a legacy from her."

"Hey Pinkie, I'm out of frosting, is it ok if I use paint instead?" called Toola Roola from the kitchen.

"I'd better go see to that," said Pinkie Pie

"Thank you all so much for coming!" said Toola Roola. Sat around the table were the full cast of the Mane 8, including Sweetie Belle the spellcaster, Cheerilee the bibliophile, Scootaloo the gamesmare, Starsong the melodist, and Rainbow Dash who always dresses in style.

“I was told there would be cake,” said Cheerilee, “should I file that under fiction, or nonfiction?”

“Oh, there’ll be cake alright” said Toola Roola, “ but first, we’ll each paint a plate. Now you all had better stand back and watch the expert do it first.” She painted a bunch of colored blobs on her plate.

“Erm, good job” said Cassandra uneasily, “I bet this is just the beginning of a wonderful masterpiece.”

“Nope, this is it” said Toola Roola.

“Dots?” said Starsong,

“Get your head out of the clouds, you uneducated Fillystine, it’s a palette!” bristled Toola Roola.

“Girls, girls” said Cassandra, “let’s play nice. This is a party after all. Everypony paint whatever you want, and only say nice things to each other, ok?”

“I love those ribbons, that’s a really great design” said Scootaloo to Sweetie Belle.

“It is great” agreed Toola Roola, “almost better than mine” she thought to herself. She picked up Sweetie’s plate and let it slip from her grasp. “Oops” she said smugly. Reacting quickly, Sweetie Belle used her magic to catch the plate right before it hit the floor.

“Phew” said Sweetie, “that was a close call.”

“Indeed” agreed Cassandra, her eyes narrowing at Toola Roola.

“Now that everypony’s done painting, let the drying commence!” declared Toola Roola.

“As a diversion while we wait, I thought we could..” began Pinkie

“Why would we need a diversion? What could be more fun than sitting quietly and watching paint dry?”

Pinkie felt a chill in her spine, “I really don’t want to do that. But I’ll come by a little later with Cassandra, and we’ll help you get set up with the cake.

“I wish to be excused as well” said Rainbow Dash, “I hate to not-dine and dash, but I have to go get my hair done.” The others followed suit with excuses to for why they had to leave for the exact amount of time that it takes for paint to dry.

“We’re back, Toola” said Pinkie. Then she and Cassandra noticed the mess in the dining room. All the cards that were supposed to tell whose plate was whose, had fallen off the table.

“Oh hi girls- augh what the hell did you to do my dining room!??!!”

“It was like this when we came in” said Cassandra. Using her level 99 detective skills, she deduced that a gust of wind had blown the cards off the table on account of Toola Roola leaving the window open.

“Oh no, now we’ll never know which plate belongs to which pony” said Toola Roola

“Calm down” said Cassnadra, “we’ll figure this out. First, everypony’s plate matches their color scheme, except for mine where I painted the Mona Lisa, and yours, where you just slathered on a bunch of blobs.”

“Nope,” said Toola Roola, grabbing Sweetie Belle’s plate, “I’m the artist, so logically the prettiest one has to be mine.” She put her card on top of it

“We’ll change it back when she’s not looking” whispered Cassandra to Pinkie Pie.

The rest of the ponies came back, and they were overjoyed that they had the right plates. Toola Roola helped herself to a slice of cake, and wolfed it down off of the plate.

“Can you cut some for us too?” asked Scootaloo

“Cut it yourself, can't you see I’m busy?” said Toola Roola

“Does anypony else’s plate feel heavy?” asked Cheerilee.

“Hold the phone,” said Cassandra, is this lead paint?”

“What’s that?” asked Toola Roola, who was now licking her plate.

“Dash dash dot dot dot dash dot dash dash dash” said Rainbow Dash, “that’s Morse code for ‘this party sucks.’ My hopes of having fun today were dashed.” The others got up to leave

“Wait, you haven’t had your cake yet” said Toola, pointing at the slices of cake untouched on their plates.

“Why don’t you help yourself to it?” suggested Cassandra.

“Sweet, free cake!” said Toola Roola.

The end.

Chapter 52: The Friendship Games (The Movie)

Cassandra journeyed to the human world to help out with the Friendship Games. “I can’t actually compete since I’m not a student,” she explained, “not that that’d actually be a problem.” Principal Celestia happened to be walking by,

“Oh hi new student, do you want to enter the Friendship Games?”

“I’m a pony from another dimension.”

“Is that a no?”

“Say, have you ever wondered why we’ve never met the Earth Twilight before?” asked Rainbow Dash, “why would Twilight the book smart genius not be at the lowest-ranked school in the tri-county area?”

“It’s a mystery” agreed all of them

Meanwhile at Crystal Prep

“I want you to compete in the Frrrrriendship Games, Twilight,” said Principal Cinch.

“Well ok,” said Twilight, “I should be good as long as it doesn’t involve running, jumping, athleticism, physical strength, or generally going outdoors.”

“Cadence, Shining Armour, would you kindly step out of the rrrrroom? I need you to go get a sheet of paper, which is a task that rrrrrequires two people to do. Oh, and do trrry to tidy up after yourselves when you’re done having coitus in the supply closet.” In response to their shocked looks she said, “Dean Cadence, you give blatant prrrrreferential trrreatment to Twilight Sparkle. I prrrresume there must be some rrrrrreason besides her sociable and outgoing perrrsonality. Don’t worry though, I shan’t tell, since to say I made it to the top through completely clean methods would be hypocrrrrrrrritical.” After the blushing pair left, she continued to Twilight, “it does not matter if we win or lose. Howeverrrrrrr, we cannot allow Canterlot High to defeat us.”

“So it does matter if we win?”

“No, I just said it didn’t. Shut up.”

Since they always lost the Friendship Games, no one from Canterlot wanted to be in them. Then Rainbow Dash did a song and they all wanted to be in. The Mane 6 along with Derpy, Lyra, Bonbon, Flash, Nerd, and Recycle Guy got in.

“Screw that” said Cassandra She didn’t like being blunt but they’d brought it on themselves for being stupid. “Fluttershy and Rarity, you have no athletic skills so you’re cut. Applejack and Flash Sentry, you’re just plain useless so you’re cut too. Pinkie, you can stay, but only because there’s a baking contest. The replacements will be the marching band, since they were enthusiastic before Rainbow did her song.” The leader of the marching band was so happy that she gave Cassandra some practice kissing. However, Celestia and Luna ignored her advice and went with the original picks.

The Crystal Prep students came, and the girls were all bitches to Twilight Sparkle. Lemon Zest thought she was being nice by sharing her music, so she wasn’t as bad.

“It seems excessive to bus in the entire school just for an event where only 12 students do anything, and half of them barely do anything, and most of the games aren’t watched by an audience," said Sugarcoat,

Twilight bumped into Flash who said “hey Twilight, it’s nice to see you again.”

“Huh? Who are you?” asked Twilight, putting her glasses back on.

“I’m Flash Sentry, don’t you remember?”

“No,” said Twilight, “I think I would remember someone like you. Now get out of my sight, you stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white... uhh... guilt... white-guilt, milquetoast... piece of human garbage.”

“Aww,” moaned Flash.

“It’s ok, Flash, I’ll go out with you,” said Derpy.

“You will?”

“Yeah, I like being the smart one in the relationship.”

“I’m not sure if that’s true, but I’d love to have a date.”

“Shut up and get me a muffin, bitch.”

“I wonder what the events are?” said Rarity.

“Motocross, skating, archery, chemistry, woodworking, and baking would be my guesses,” said Cassandra.

The others were shocked, “wow Cassandra, that was supposed to be a secret, how did you know? I bet you’re psychic.”

“No I’m not psychic, dummies, I just figured it out based on the various waivers and certifications they required from you. The baking event is a guess because Principal Celestia likes cake.”

“I’ve made a billion different outfits, mostly sports equipment, despite the fact that they’d give us sports equipment if we need it,” said Rarity. The gods of the Elements of Harmony decided that while that was stupid, it technically was generous, so Rarity ponied up. Twilight was outside with her magic birth control pill container, and she sucked the magic out of Rarity.

“Darling I feel tired” said Rarity, slumping onto the floor.

“Rarity fell over” said Applejack. Her honesty caused her to pony up, and Twilight took her magic too.

The first event was chemistry, and Derpy managed to cause an explosion despite the experiment calling for food coloring and water. Flash laughed at her, knowing for sure that that was the stupidest gaffe anyone would make in this event. The next event was cake-baking, and he and Bonbon somehow ended up making bread with sprinkles.

“It’s not my fault” he whined, “women are supposed to be good at cooking. This one must be broken because she’s a lesbian.” Cassandra hit him in the face with a cake pan, which scored 10 bonus points for Canterlot. Upper Crust and Suri Polomare dropped their cake before Principal Cinch could taste it.

“Neverrr mind,” said Cinch, “I wouldn’t have liked it anyway, considering you weren’t allowed to use kittens and puppy dogs as ingrrrrrrredients."

“so, who’s the winner?” asked Sunny Flare

“It must be us,” said Indigo Zap, “because Celestia liked our cake so much, she ate all of it!”

“I wouldn’t be so sure, she ate all of our cake too!” said Pinkie.

“She ate all of my cake too” said everyone except Flash and Bonbon

“Oh, were we supposed to be judging?” asked Celestia, “I thought this was the snack break. Well, let’s just say that everyone except Flash wins.”

The next round was to build a birdhouse. The students not participating milled around outside, not really having anything to do. Applejack chopped off her finger, but otherwise there wasn’t much to see.

“Good news everyone, you get to watch the next event,” said Principal Cinch.

“Yay” said the students.

“And the better news is, the next event is my choice, it’s one of the only things that sets my cold, dank, lifeless nether parts atwitter - a spelling bee!”

“Boo, also TMI!” said the students.

“Applejack, your word is immigrant” said Principal Cinch,

“W-”

“Stop.” said Cassandra. Eventually it was just down to Twilight and Sunset Shimmer.

“If you thought that was intense" announced Cinch, "just wait until you see the ultimate test… algebrrrrrrrrrra!”

“When do we get to the sports?” said Indigo Zap

“This is boring” said Sugarcoat.

“I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON!” said Lemon Zest. Principal Cinch’s student won, almost as if she planned it that way.

“Now we get to the sports!” announced Luna, “we’ve constructed this enormous track for the sole purpose of 6 students on each team, and about 10 minutes of gaming. But before we get to the games, Cassandra will be doing an exhibition run to warm us up!”

Without even bothering to cross the rope-swing, Cassandra drew six arrows, and hit every target in the bullseye. Then, she sprinted to the motorcross and did an extra lap just for show. Finally, she strapped on her helmet and took to the roller derby (she had been wearing skates the entire time), and she tore up the track, weaving around every bump and divot , doing perfect triple-axles and pirouettes all the while. Finally, she crossed the finish line, and came to a screeching halt, kicking up a cloud of dust in the Shadowbolts’ faces. “Time?” she asked, glistening with sweat, her big breasts heaving as she caught her breath.

“It’s an academy record!” declared Spitfire, “and so are those” she added, ogling Cassandra’s chest.

The racers took their positions on the track. First up was Twilight and Sour Sweet taking on Applejack and Fluttershy in the archery.

“Why would they put me there?" whined Fluttershy, "the last thing I want to do is shoot a bull in the eye!”

"Jest pretend the target is a horse with a brokin leg" said Applejack.

"That's not helping" said Fluttershy

“Principal Cinch said I’d be the best fit for this event” said Sour Sweet, “because it’s the one any idiot can do” she scowled.

Applejack took an arrow to the knee. Sour Sweet completed her portion really fast, but Twilight got stuck in the climbing portion.

“I know a great way to help her,” said Sour Sweet, holding out her hand. She then used that hand to tug on her own face, “I’ll glower at her until she gets it right!!!” Twilight finally made it up the climb, but continued to suck ass, just like she warned Principal Cinch would happen.

“You’re really bad at this!” called Sugarcoat.

“That’s not what your mom said last night!” yelled back Cassandra. “Twilight, aim at where the target’s going to be, not where it is!” Some of the other Canterlot students glared at her. “What? I’m not one of you, you just let any rando walk into the school, remember?” Cassandra’s advice made Twilight into a perfect markswoman.

Up in the stands, Flash turned to Lyra and Bonbon,

“I was cheering for you two to win the acadeca” he said

“Aww that’s so sweet” said Lyra.

“Yeah, lesbians are good at rollerskating.”

“For your information, we’re bi” said Bonbon

“Oh, so that means I still have a chance?” he asked with a suave grin. Lyra dumped her XL sized Cola into Flash’s lap.

“Does that answer your question?”

Up on the motocross track, Sugarcoat and Indigo were waiting for their teammates to complete the roller skating part.

“Sugarcoat, you don’t seem like the motorcycle type,” said Indigo Zap, “when did you learn to ride?”

“Well, it’s a funny and interesting backstory-”

“No time, it’s our turn to go!” They took off at super speed, but Twilight’s magic activated and made a huge plant monster appear in the middle of the course! Like most fictional high schools, the students cared more about sports than life itself, so they were so absorbed that they didn’t notice the plants creeping up out of the soil. Sunset wiped out, so Rainbow Dash went back to save her. They escaped, but the plant monster grabbed Sugarcoat and Indigo Zap in its tendrils.

“We have to save them!” cried Sunset, as the two Crystal Prep students squirmed and struggled as the vines tightened around their waists, their uniforms starting to slip off.

“Wait!” said Rainbow Dash, “maybe they’re not in trouble, let’s give this like 5 minutes and see how it plays out.”

“Ohhhh, ok” said Sunset with a wink.

“For Celestia’s sake” said Cassandra, “I don’t know why I thought their human versions would be smarter.” She rolled her eyes and charged at the monster with a giant pair of hedge clippers, hacking the plant monster to pieces, and freeing Indigo and Sugarcoat, who were swooning over Cassandra’s general greatness.

“You’re really great at this” said a blushing Sugarcoat

“Are we gonna kiss?” asked Indigo

“Later, I’m just glad that Rainbow flaked out on you two and only saved Sunset because she wanted to win the race. She almost ponied up and got her magic sucked out.” A different plant monster grabbed Applejack, and sadly, Cassandra was too late to save her before she died.

“Attention students!” said Dean Cadence, “I have misplaced the ceremonial pennants… er I mean, for the final event of the Friendship Games, I have hidden two pennants somewhere in the school.” The students took their seats in the bleachers, where they would be unable to watch the action.

Principal Cinch brought Twilight behind the bleachers. “Twilight, I rrrrrrrequest that you use your magic to cheat. And to convince you, I shall sing a song. This is based on a song I learned at prrrrrrrrrison in Illinois. I wasn’t serving time for diddling children, don’t worry.”

“I wasn’t worried about that until now.”

Unleash the magic, unleash the magic
If we lose, then you're to blame (ah, ah-ah-ah)
They all have used it, maybe abused it (ah-ah-ah)
So then why can't we do the same?

Lemon Zest cut in, “RAINING BLOOD! FROM A LACERATED SKY! BLEEDING ITS HOR-” Everyone glared at her. “SORRY - HEADPHONES! I COULDN’T HEAR WHAT SONG YOU ALL WERE SINGING SO I HAD TO GUESS!”

“Ok, ok, I’ll do it” groaned Twilight. She opened up the magic compact mirror, and a little wisp of black smoke sputtered out and opened up a frisbee-sized hole in the ground. From out of the hole came a plant tendril, holding the Crystal Prep pennant.

“Here ya go.” said the plant.

“Huh, I was expecting more darkness, demons, rrrrrrrrrifts in space-time, and children scrrrrrrrreaming and fleeing in terror.” said Cinch, “not that I can complain about these rrrrrrresults. Now go on, take the flag and Crystal Prrrrrrrrep will win.”

“NOT SO FAST, CINCH!” yelled out Sunset. She raced back to the center court, pennant in hand. She stepped foot in the center court, just as Twilight grabbed grabbed hers. “Cassandra kissed me and it gave me future vision so I could find the flag,” she said excitedly

“I told you to look in places where Cadence might have been.” clarified Cassandra.

“It was in the backseat of Shining Armor’s car,” said Sunset.

“But wait” said Twilight, “why didn’t something big happen when I released all the magic?” asked Twilight.

“It was a team effort” said Cassandra, “no just kidding, it was all me. I’ve been siphoning magic out of your little device all day. I discovered what you were doing when you drained Rarity and Applejack, so as a pre-emptive measure I told Pinkie Pie not to throw any parties, Rainbow Dash to act self-centered, and Fluttershy to be too shy to approach you. Some parts of that were easier than others.”

“Let’s just say everyone wins,” said Luna

“Hooray!” said Starlight Glimmer. Cassandra whacked her with a folding chair.

“You’ll thank me for that. Trust me.” They had to, because she was the Element of Trust.

Chapter 53: Moondancer

Cassandra was bored. She had become so good at solving problems and preventing catastrophes, that there were no impending issues on the horizon, at best minor annoyances. “Ok, I’m going to fix the problem of the next pony that walks in here.”

Exhibiting her typical amount of social grace, Twilight came in without knocking, “Cassandra, have you seen my-?”

“Twilight! Perfect! Ok, who have you offended today? Let’s start by making a list of all the political opinions you’ve expressed,” she said, excitedly getting out a quill and parchment

“Well, I told Lyra and Bonbon that they’re going to hell for being fillyfoolers. Anyway, I’m looking for a teddy bear with a spear-hole in it. Any idea where I could find it?”

“Hmm, I suppose we’re more likely to find a broken toy from 4 years ago than get Lyra and Bonbon to forgive you. Alright, it’s off to Canterlot we go!”

First, they met Dentist Who, and she said that Friend 3 and Friend 4 were also in Canterlot. “Lyra Heartstrings was one of our gang too, I could call her up, and have her join us.”

“No, no” said Cassandra, “I don’t think we should do that right now. I’ll just photoshop her into our group picture later.”

“Ok, well that just leaves...Moondancer.” (Dramatic music sting)

“Moondancer?” (Dramatic music sting) asked Twilight

“Moondancer” (Dramatic music sting) confirmed Colgate

“I remember who that is,” said Twilight, “but why don’t you explain it for Cassandra’s benefit?”

“Moondancer was one of our friends back in our school days. Except when Twilight ditched her party, she became a social recluse. Now if only we knew where to find her...” she said longingly

“While you were rambling, I found her address in the phone book,” said Cassandra.

They went to Moondancer’s house, and knocked on the door. A dishevelled unicorn with her mane in a sticking-up hair tie answered.

“What do you want?”

“Moondancer?” asked Twilight

“Yeah that’s me.”

“You know what they say about how time heals all wounds?”

“Piss off,” replied Moondancer brusquely, and she closed the door.

“Well, I guess we should give up and go home” said Twilight.

“That’s what an ordinary pony would say,” said Cassandra. “Moondancer, by the authority vested in me as long-lost sister to Celestia, I order you to open up this door and stop being a bitch.”

“Ugh fine” said Moondancer, “make it quick.”

“Twilight got whisked off to Ponyville right after declining your party, which is why you never saw her again,” explained Cassandra, “That said, Twilight, you could have written once in a while.”

“I had stuff to do, books to read! Friendship could wait!”

“Twilight, that kind of attitude go you into this mess,” scolded Cassandra, “Look at Moondancer, Twilight. This is you in 5 years if you keep neglecting your friendships. No offense.”

“None taken,” said Moondancer, “she is right you know, Twilight.”

“Don’t be so satisfied with being a cautionary tale” said Cassandra, “I can fix you up. First, that hair elastic’s been bothering me since we got here, that sticking-up braid makes you look like a 2-year-old.” She took it out. “Next, you’re clearly well-read, but in my wing, I’m holding a mysterious artifact that you’ve never seen before.”

“Ooh, what is it?”

“It’s called a comb. You use it on your mane.”

“These beauty tips are all fine and good, but I’m assuming that like all favors from pretty girls, they come at a price.”

“Correct,” said Twilight, “I need you to come to a party.”

“Yeah, no, that’s not happening.” She slammed the door in their faces.

“Cassandraaaaa!” whined Twilight, “make her go to my party!”

“That, I cannot do” said Cassandra, “it’s worse than I thought, she’s become a hikikomori.”

“A what?”

“Hikikomori, it’s a Japanese word that I know because I’m fluent in Japanese. It means that she’s become so averse to the outside world that she refuses to come out for anything except the vitalest of necessities.”

“So what should we do?”

“This friendship problem will require a great deal of knolwedge and planning to solve. Why don’t we go have dinner with the girls while we formulate something?”

“Can we go to Donut Joe’s?”

“Twilight, donuts aren’t dinner food.” However, the other friends all voted for Donut Joe’s.

“I’ll have a caprese salad” said Cassandra.

“I don’t normally make those, but for you Cassandra, the savior of my business, anything.”

“Thanks Joe. Can I borrow your frying pan too?”

“Of course.”

“I owe you a new frying pan.” She approached the pony sitting at the table behind Twlight and co, who had her face buried in a menu. “So many choices, how can you ever decide, when they’re all so… EQUALLY GOOD!” In an instant, she ripped the menu away from the mysterious pony, revealing her identity as Starlight Glimmer. Then, she whacked her with the frying pan, over and over and over, until the ex-villain collapsed to the ground. Calmly, she threw the dented frying pan away behind her, and took a seat at Twilight’s table. “Sorry for the commotion, what’d I miss?”

“We were reminiscing about that time that Lemon Hearts got her head stuck in a beaker,” said Crest, laughing.

“And I was telling them about how a similar thing happened to Applejack last week with a plastic bag,” added Twilight, “except it didn’t have a very funny ending.”

“A moment of silence for our dimly departed friend” added Cassandra. “Now, as six alumni of Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, we should be able to…”

“Wait, Cassandra, six?” said Brush Your Teeth Twice a Day for Three Minuettes.

“Don’t interrupt, it’s rude” said Cassandra, “and yes, I was a student as well, because I can do magic despite being a pegasus.”

“Then why didn’t we ever see you?”

“Because I was in advanced classes. Now, I have an idea, but I need to test it first.” She put a book on top of a mousetrap. “Twilight, do you want this book?”

“Of course I do!” she said, reaching for it.

Cassandra disarmed the mousetrap and handed it to her.

“I knew nothing bad would happen if I touched the book!” beamed Twilight

“Now Twilight, I need you to get Pinkie Pie over here ASAP, while I set up a trap for Moondancer.”

“What for?”

“So that we can lure her into coming into our rocking party!!!!”

“Ooh, a party!” said Twilight, “that’ll be the perfect opportunity for me to talk about how the liberal yahoos are trying to take away my guns. I don’t know what ‘gun’ is, but it just seems like the right time and place to have that discussion.”

“Twilight, why don’t you play game of Shhhh for the rest of the day? Use charades to tell Pinkie we have a party emergency, she’ll figure out what they mean.”

Twilight nodded and hurried to Canterlot Station.

Moondancer got lured into joining the party, where she complained that nonpony really loved her, so they introduced her to her sister.

“How the hell did we know you for so long without your mentioning you had a sister?”asked Twilight. Cassandra accepted Moondancer’s offer of practice kissing. She had friends again, all thanks to Cassandra.

Chapter 54: Starlight's New Friend

"Today, I'm having the Princess over for dinner," said Twilight, "and I want you to make a new friend, Starlight. No pressure, just run a complete background check on your new friend, and make sure they don't hold any controversial political opinions like supporting democracy."

"That's a pretty tall order without being able to use magic."

"Tell you what, I'll let you get Cassandra's help, that's practically the same thing."

"Yes, she is radiantly beautiful, and her abilities in friendship and speaking Japanese are so good they are practically magic," agreed Starlight

"And I hear she's magically delicious," whispered Twilight.

"Not like you'll ever know!" responded Cassandra in a singsong voice.

"What the- Cassandra, how long have you been there???"

"Quite a while now. I was cleaning up the filth in those high places since you don't know how to fly."

"It's true," sighed Twilight, "I may as well just be a unicorn Scootaloo."

"Hey, behave!" scolded Cassandra. "Starlight, I will help you, but you can't leverage your magic, or your friendship with me."

"So I'm a Season 3 Sweetie Belle, great."

"What is it with you two and hating on children?" asked Cassandra

"They're so much better at making friends than us," whined Starlight, "I'm not good at accepting that some ponies are better than others."

"Ok, then I suppose those three are out of the question as your new friend. Shame, because they would've been easy. Tell you what, this is a good opportunity for you to learn about networking - that's a fancy way of saying getting things through connections rather than talent"

"And I do have issues with ponies that have extraordinary amounts of talent," added Starlight.

"Great! My level 99 planning skills have once again made everything work out. Now, to network, we'll first get our friends to introduce us to their other friends."

First they went to Sugarcube Corner to meet Mrs. Cake.

"I hope you don't hold it against me that I whine about things being unfair," said Starlight

"Not at all dearie, my children just outgrew that habit themselves."

She was about to make a cake with her magic when Cassandra elbowed her in the ribs, and whispered, "she has to feel important."

Next they went to Ranibow Dash who suggested Spitfire, captain of the Wonderblots.

"Wow, that's some really good networking" said Starlight, "although, competition might cause me to relapse, is she as obsessed with competition as you are?"

"WHAT? WHO SAID THAT?" demanded Rainbow Dash, "NOPONY'S AS OBSESSED AS ME, I'LL BEAT YOUR ASS IN AN OBSESSION CONTEST, I ALMOST KILLED DARING DO BECAUSE I WAS SO OBSESSED WITH HER!"

Next they went to Sweet Apple Acres, where Applejack introduced her to Big Mac.

"Big Mac's easy ta git along with, 'cause all he can say is 'eeyup,' watch. Big Mac, stand on yer head."

"Eeyup." He did a hoofstand.

"Big Mac, lift th' cart."

"Eeyup." He hoisted the cart into the air.

"Big Mac, be Starlight's friend."

"Eenope."

"What? Why not?" exclaimed Starlight.

"Cuz ya were evil, and 'cause ah don't like chattin' very much. Also, ah don't hafta do whatever AJ says, ah was just humorin' her."

"Well, I can help by giving you the gift of gab," said Starlight, casting the spell.

"Eeyup. Eeyupyupyup, what'd ya do ta me, ah can't talkin'! Ah took out a life insurance policy on AJ!" He covered his mouth in embarrassment.

"Well that's just dumb, ah ain't gonna croak anytime soon, ah'm as fit as a fiddle," objected Applejack, "now if y'all'll excuse me, ah gotta go fix th' roof. And ah WILL be wearin' mah safety gear." She held up a frayed old-looking harness.

"Starlight, you should probably fix Big Mac before we go."

"I don't know how."

Cassandra facehooved "For Celestia's sake... Well never mind, I know the counterspell despite being a pegasus. This is a good friendship lesson; don't cast spells that you can't undo." These sorts of friendship words of wisdom happened all the time around Cassandra, which was why everypony wanted to be with her.

"Twilight, I made a new friend!" said Starlight, "it's Trixie!"

"What?? That irredeemable menace to society? You can't be friends with her!"

"Now just hold on a great and powerful second," said Trixie, coming into the room, "Starlight's crime was magnitudes worse than mine, so why are you treating me like Jean Vallejan, and her like your LSBNBBFF?"

"Lesbian BFF?" asked Starlight.

"No, it's Little-"

"...Sister But Not Biologically Best Friend Forever," cut in Twilight, "I tried to get Cassandra to call me that, but she wouldn't."

"Wait, I'm a lesbian?" asked Starlight confusedly.

"I'm saving that friendship lesson for your birthday," whispered Twilight coyly.

"Trixie wants answers!" demanded Trixie, "Trixie demands to know how much terrorism she must do before she gets to live in a castle!"

"I incorporated math into the criminal justice system" said Twilight proudly, "I take the severity of the pony's crime, and divide it by the niceness of their flank. Starlight here kidnapped ponies into her cult, and nearly destroyed Equestria, but filly got back, so she's on probation, and I get to experiment on her."

"Well then your eyesight is clearly faltering if all this" she turned her back to Twilight and raised her cape, "doesn't earn Trixie a complete royal pardon."

"Hey, don't complain, you've been downgraded from 'shoot on sight' to 'glower angrily.' However, you are still banned from coming within ten feet of any alicorn objects or alicorns, so you'll have to stow your junk in the trunk somewhere else," she said, shooing Trixie out of the chair she was sitting in, "and since this table has a 9-foot diameter, naturally you can't come to the dinner."

"Stupid sexy Twilight," grumbled Trixie.

"You take that back, she's not stupid or sexy!" said Starlight.

"Trixie will show her, Trixie will perform such a daring trick, so dangerous that it's only been done by two ponies; Harry Hoofdini and Cassandra. Trixie needs your help to teleport her out of the manticore's belly before she gets dissolved by stomach acid."

"I dunno, I have that dinner with Twilight and Celestia, and it seems like I wouldn't want to miss the chance to curry favor with the princess."

"Trixie will commit suicide if you don't go with her!" declared Trixie. At that moment, Starlight knew that Trixie would be a great friend.

The chained up Manticore roared a terrifying roar and Fluttershy cowered in fear, burying herself in Cassandra's forelegs for support.

"It's ok Fluttershy," cooed Cassandra, stroking her mane, "I'll protect you from the manticore, like the time I pulled the thorn out of his paw."

"Wasn't that me?"

"Fluttershy, right at this very moment you've got my ribcage in a deathgrip, and you're shaking like jello in an earthquake. Based on your having such a reaction, does it make any sense that you would've been the one to help the manticore?"

"I guess not."

"That's right, you don't have to guess. You just have to stand there looking cute, and help me practice kissing." Fluttershy had fallen asleep in her arms, so Cassandra gently lowered her onto the grass.

"Do you think she's going to live?" asked Rarity.

"I have a backup plan ready in case she doesn't," said Cassandra. She brought over a light blue unicorn dressed in a costume identical to Trixie's. Cassandra was an expert at sewing, so she had been able to make a perfect duplicate of Trixie's costume. "Show them your monologue," she instructed the unicorn.

"The great and powerful Trixie survived the manticore!" declared the unicorn, "but what's this? It seems I am having a great and powerful heart attack!" she clutched her chest, and crouched on the ground. "The Great and Powerful Trixie is dying, right after she successfully performed the world's most badass trick, and now that's the thing everypony will remember about me!"

Pinkie pulled a handkerchief out of nowhere and started sobbing. "Wouhahaha! Trixie's dead! She was too good for this wo-o-o-orld!!!"

"Pinkie, relax!" said Cassandra, "she's not dead, she's just a really good actress thanks to my level 99 coaching skills!" The unicorn stopped pretending to be dead, and got up and took a bow. The rest of them clapped.

However, Starlight did come through and save Trixie, much to the crowd's disappointment.

"Wait, what about the dinner party?!" exclaimed Twilight, "I completely forgot! Oh, god, I left her there with the deaf, dumb, and partially-nearsighted!."

"Don't worry Twilight, I didn't forget. I used a spell to prevent the ice sculpture from melting, and gave each of the guests some lines to say."

"I hate dinner parties" said Cranky

"Ohmigosh me too!" gushed Celestia, "that's why I always sabotage the Gala.

"I love baked goods!" said Derpy

"No way, so do I!" said Celestia.

"PRINCESS CELESTIA IS THE MOST POP-uh..." Vinyl squinted and brought the card a little closer to her face, "...POPULAR PRINCESS AND SHE IS NOT FAT."

"I should appoint you the Element of Honesty," said Celestia, "the old one died earlier today."

Chapter 55: The Nickname

"So I'm gonna be a reserve, which means I won't be in the aerial show unless one of the Wonderbolts gets indisposed," said Rainbow Dash.

"One of the Wonderbolts got indisposed," said Spitfire.

"That means I will be in the aerial show!" said Dash, "this is so aweso-"

"Surprise, motherbucker." Sgt Doakes came out from behind a tree, "Dash, don't you think it's funny how stuff always happens to the Wonderbolts when you're around?" he asked sternly, "first, Soarin broke his wing at Rainbow Falls. Then, Windrider turned heel out of nowhere, and now, right after being appointed a reserve, somepony drops out. I'm watching you, Dash."

"Surprise motherbucker" said Cassandra, kicking down the tree, "go back to your own show, James."

"Yes m'am" said Doakes with a sulk and he sulked away.

"Rainbow Dash, you're nearly as awesome as Cassandra!" said Scootaloo.

Rainbow Dash's efforts to impress the Wonderbolts were a lot less awesome than Cassandra. In her haste to cross the runway, she forgot the most important rule, which is looking both ways first, and got knocked into a garbage can.

"Cadet, what is our first rule?" barked Spitfire

"The first rule of flight club is, you don't talk about flight club." said Dash confidently.

"Oh, a comedienne? Well I can make jokes too! Your new name is-"

"And then they called me Crash! It's a play on words because-"

"We get the derivation" said Twilight

"Ah don't," said Applejack.

"Rainbow, it's just hazing, and I should know," said Twilight, "my friends and I used to put honey in Moondancer's hairbrush. Everypony gets hazed at some point in their life."

"Even Cassandra?"

Cassandra chuckled, "Ohohoho, goodness no. I intimidate ponies just by walking into a room, they wouldn't dare try anything on me. Besides, I know a spell to melt their faces off. If I were a Mary Sue, I'd have the self-control to never use it, but alas, I have character flaws."

"That's ok, we'll still be your friends in spite of your character flaws" said Rarity. She and Fluttershy cuddled up with Cassandra, who began stroking their manes.

"So you're saying I should think up an original character, and take on their personality?"

"Yeah."

"Cassandra, are you sure that's going to work?" asked Rarity after Dash had left the room.

"Not really," said Cassandra, stroking Rarity under the chin, "but it's a lot less likely to break her spine than most of her plans."

"So I made a checklist of things because that's a thing smart ponies do," said Rainbow Dash adjusting her fake glasses.

"What are you doing, now Crash?" said Spitfire annoyedly

"It's my new personality based on my original character Evening Lightflash. If you want to give me a more fitting nickname, I'll understand."

"Well, if you wear those glasses, I'll be happy to call you a different name, but you are aware that you need 20/20 vision to be on the Wonderbolts, so you sure you want to go down this road?"

"N-no m'am."

"Good choice, Crash Test Dummy, now gimme 50 laps."

"I'll give you all the lapdances you want" said Dash seductively

"That'll be another 50."

"Darling, these outfits are so gaudy" said Dash

"Rainbow Crash always wipes out with style," sang Spitfire.

"Ah have the concentration ta accomplish any task, including not crashin'" said Dash.

"Whatever Johnny Crash. Just don't fall in to the burning ring of fire."

"Very funny" said Dash sarcastically.

"No, that's actually good advice for the obstacle course," said Soarin, pointing to a flaming hoop.

"Ohmigosh I'm so excited to be here, and I'm especially excited about being careful when I do stuff!"

"Easy there, Crash Gordon," said Spitfire, eyeing Dash's slightly-singed wings.

"Oh, I'm so shy and weak, won't you please give me a better nickname?"

"You don't really think being a doormat will get you more respect, do you, Bangers & Crash?"

It was the day of the big show and Rainbow Dash still wasn't cool. But she had a plan.

"Hey, you, uhhhhh orange, Applebloom's friend?" she said to Scootaloo

"It's Scootaloo."

"Ghesundteit. Anyways, I need you to help with my routine by kicking a storm cloud into my path so that it makes lightning near me, but doesn't electrocute me."

"I don't think lightning works that way."

"So you'll do it? Thanks, Sweetie Belle!" And she took off before the stunned pegasus filly could reply

It was Rainbow's turn to do her dive in the show, and right on schedule, Scootaloo kicked a raincloud into her path. However, Dash was too close, and was about to get electrocuted! Up in the stands, Fluttershy noticed and looked concerned. "Oh, my" she said, raising her head from resting on Cassandra's back, "Rainbow Dash is about to get struck by lightning. Somepony should save her, but how? You'd have to be faster than lighting to... Cassandra?" The seat next to her was suddenly empty. Instead, Cassandra was up in the sky, racing to get close enough to kick the cloud away. She made it there just in time, and blasted straight through the cloud, easily shrugging off the pain of 10,000 volts coursing through her. They all clapped, Cassandra had saved the day!

"Nice job Crash!" said Spitfire, "you would've ruined the show if it hadn't been for Cassandra's quick thinking!"

Dash burst into tears, "wouhahahaha! Stop picking on me! Cassandra, they won't stop calling me Crash, and they're all being me-e-e-e-ean!!!"

"All right guys, I think you've proved your point, so lay off Dash," said Cassandra.

"Yes m'am" said Spitfire. "Dash, we all have nicknames, even me," she said comfortingly to Dash "...well except Cassandra because we respect her too much."

"So how did you get your nickname?" asked Dash, wiping the tears from her eyes

"I'll tell you, but I'll have to whisper it in your ear" said Spitfire

"Why? Everypony else here already knows," pointed out Cassandra

"Good point as always, honorary captain" said Spitfire, saluting. "Anyway, on my first day, Windrider dared me to drink a glass of liquid rainbows, and being the lethal combination of obedient & showoff that I was, I took the glass and said I'd chug it down in 10 seconds flat! But after just a couple sips, I realized that I'd made a huge mistake; my throat was burning, there was steam coming out of my ears, my mouth was on fire! I had no choice but to spit it all out. And from that incident came my mortifying nickname.... Spitfire."

"But, uh, that's your actual name" said Rainbow Dash

"Yeah, but they never bothered to ask. Let this be a lesson to you, Crash Bandicoot, if you're gonna screw with somepony, pretend to like them for a little while first."

"You want to screw?" asked Dash

"No. But Cassandra, do you wanna do the nasty?"

"No, you're kind of a jerk."

"Well, this show's been more borin' than a documentary about pears," said Applejack with aloud obnoxious yawn, "ah gotta stretch mah legs." Without realizing it, she wandered onto the runway, and an incoming pegasus crashed into her, sending her over the edge and plummeting to the ground, and she died.

"Newbie, what's rule #1?" said Spitfire

"Always look both ways before crossing the runway, m'am!" recited Rainbow Dash, with a salute.

"Very good! I think you might just have potential yet, Rainbow Dash."

"You called me by my real name! And it's all thanks to Cassandra!"

Chapter 56: The Ghosts

A long time ago in the land of Equestria, there lived a pony named Victorian Era Starlight who hated Hearth’s Warming Eve. She hated it because it was one less day she could spend turning lead into gold, and because her assistant was lazy, incompetent, and gave her backsass. After much consideration over what she could do to improve her situation, she decided that eliminating Hearth's Warming was the most expedient solution. She started brewing a potion that would destroy the holiday forever.

“Well howdy there. Ah’m th’ ghost of Usin’ a Swivel Chair as a Stepstool,” said an apple-adorned ghost pony

“Excuse me?” asked Starlight bewilderedly.

“Ah used to be a livin’ breathin’ workin’ mare just like you. Then one day, ah needed ta get something’ offa a high shelf, and mah swivel chair was right here, and mah safe sturdy apple crate was over there. Ah thought, ah dun really feel like goin’ all the way over yonder, ah’ll be upn’down fastren’a pogostick on a-”

“Ok, I’m sorry to interrupt what you clearly think is a fascinating non-waste of time, but I’ve really got to get back to ending Hearth’s Warming Eve.”

“What’s that ya say? Hearth’s Warmin…?” she started flipping through the pieces of paper on her clipboard, “Oh, turribly sorry. Ah hafta work two jobs ‘cause even in th’ afterlife ah’m turrible with money. Ah am also the Ghost of Hearth’s Warmin’ Past. Ya see, ponies’re like apples...”

“No.”

“...because when yer small, ya plant seeds, and when ya get big, they turn inta trees which grow apples.”

“Not all trees grow apples.”

“Did ah mention that mah great great great granddaughter has an apple farm called Sweet Apple Acres, with th’ best apples in all o’ Equestria?”

“Are...are you trying to sell me apples in a dream?”

“Why not, yer rich, an’ it worked in that there movie Incestion.”

“I think you mean Inception, why did you… wait actually, I don’t want to know why you made that Freudian slip.”

“If ya wanna be difficult this is gonna take longer,” tutted Applejack

“Fine, fine, let’s just go back to the past and convince my past self not to be such a bitch”

“Language!” scolded Applejack, “also, no, ah can’t do that, ah kin only make ya feel bad about yer past mistakes.”

So they went back to when Starlight was a foal and she was nice until she wasn’t.

“Seems like you could’ve done something about my teacher before he started influencing students to be unfun.” commented Starlight

“Ah was new to th’ job.”

“Ok, well at any rate I’ve successfully learned that my teacher is the reason for me being evil, so I’m absolved of any bad decisions I make.”

“M’eh close enough, ah still get paid.” And she disappeared into the mist.

Starlight sighed, “glad that’s over with. But annoying things usually happen in threes, so…”

A pink hyperactive pony broke into song.

Take a look at all the sets, around you, all the colors and the shapes, surround you.
Open up your purse, it will astound you, what you can buy this Hearth’s Warming eve.

Presents aren’t necessary, is a lesson you might hear,
We of course must teach that lesson, then again it’s a special time of year

The present’s always filled with presents, like that movie Inception
We denounce materialism, but, our own toys are an exception.

What a party there’s so much to see here,
like the presents underneath, the tree here,
you’d have gotten one I guarantee here, that’s the magic of Hearth’s Warming Eve.

Cider’s flowing, AJ’s not living, one more lesson should be enough
It’s not about receiving, but giving, either way somepony bought our stuff.

Ignore this giant stack of presents, we mean it figuratively.
But if you’re going gift shopping, then buy a present for me.

The present’s always filled with presents, take a look around,
The reason for this holiday is quite easily found.
Yes the reason for this holiday is quite easily found.

And the reason is to sell lots of toys.

“Well? Did my song make you feel cheerful?”

“It made me feel unclean, but somehow it seemed necessary for my continued existence.”

“Then my work here is done.”

“Wait, aren’t you supposed to spook me by growing old and dying?”

“Already dead, what kind of sense would that make?”

“Huh, not much I guess.”

As Pinkie faded into the mist, out came another ghost.

“Hall and Oats, it’s Nightmare Moon!”

“That is correct child. Now gaze upon the future that will be created if you go through with this!" She pointed at the snowbound barren wasteland.

“Oh, why does this keep happening to me in the future!!!” sobbed Starlight, “spirit, please forgive me!!!”

“Nay, there ist no going back!!! Ye shall be trapt here forever, in mine Inception-esque dream maze with no Ariadneigh to guide you out!!!!””

“I don’t think so!” burst out a new voice. From the blistering snow, out came the beautiful and magnificent Cassandra, looking powerful in beige jumpsuit, with her strong arms clutching a the hose of a big vacuum slung over her back. She pressed the on-switch and the machine activated, sucking Nightmare Moon inside before she could utter a cry. “Some ghosts mustn’t remain in this world,” she explained.

“Cassandra, even in fiction, you come to my rescue!” gushed Starlight

“Yeah, this part was based on an experience the author of the book had, where I saved his life. They tried to replace me with a colt, but the audience totally lost their s**t. Now, you've seriously miscalculated how much damage you're going to cause. In terms of resilience, Ponies rank somewhere above glass panes and somewhere below Whoville. For their sake, do you promise to never take away their beloved holiday again?”

“I promise!” she sobbed “Oh Cassandra, please forgive me!”

“I think I can, with a little practice kissing. Gifts don’t have to come with a price tag.” Starlight truly had learned a Hearth’s Warming Eve lesson.

Chapter 57: The Restaraunt

The map called for Pinkie and Rarity to go to Canterlot, at least it appeared to.

"The map is glitched," said Cassandra, who knew this because she had level 99 IT skills, "it's supposed to be Applejack and Pinkie Pie, which means it most likely has to do with food service since that's where you two overlap."

"Well howdy doody, if they need help sellin' food in Canterlot, ah'm their filly. Why, ah could sell ice to an Eskimare."

She was so excited that she slipped on the marble stairs and died.

"Well, she would've just suggested they do apples, and then try to sell them apples," noted Cassandra, "I think we can find a way around this."

They decided it would be best if Rarity went instead, and Cassandra accompanied them to make sure things went all right.

As Cassandra said, they looked around for restaurants in trouble until they found one with Indian cuisine and no customers.

"Oh thank Pegashiva customers!" said a hefty stallion with a mustache. He eyed up Cassandra, "and a bride for my daughter. Saffron!" he called

"Father, stop trying to set me up with every customer who walks in- oh bless Pegashiva, will you be my bride?"

"Back off!" hissed Rarity.

"Now girls, let's behave ourselves," said Cassandra, "I have too many ponies attracted to me to be just one pony's bride, but that doesn't mean we can't have fun. But first, business. We're here to improve your restaurant. Rarity and Saffron will go attract customers, and Pinkie and Coriander will help improve the food. Doing it the other way around would be a disaster."

"Can we sing a song called 'It's Gonna Work' while we do it?" asked Pinkie.

"That depends, do you want to jinx us?" said Cassandra sarcastically.

"Do I?" asked Pinkie.

"No, " said Cassandra.

"What about you, Cassandra, what will you do?" asked Saffron, "will you perhaps put your beautiful face on promotional material to give us some star power?"

"No. I'll be solving your biggest problem of all."

"And that is?"

Your restaurant is set back 20 feet from the rest of the stores! It's no wonder nopony comes in here. I'm going to pick it up and move it in line with the rest of them."

"Oh Cassandra, so wise and strong and beautiful. Please let me help you practice kissing as a reward."

"That sounds like a great idea."

So, Cassandra moved the store, while Rarity and Saffron worked drumming up business.

"How many customers did you get?"

"Two hundred" said Saffron and Rarity in unison.

"Well, then I'd better help out," said Cassandra, "I'll pull double duty as the head chef and maitre'd. Saffron, you can be assistant chef, and Coriander, you'll be assistant maitre'd." And so, under Cassandra's guidance, they successfully restored the Tasty Treat to its rightful glory. Even the impossible-to-please Zesty Gourmand was pleased, and she gave them 4.9 stars, the only loss of points coming from Cassandra not being able to stay full time. Once again, Cassandra had saved the day.

Chapter 58: The Camp (The Movie)

The students were on the bus going to Camp Everfree.

"Attention students," said Principal Celestia, "we're almost to Camp Everfree, but before we get there, I just want to say how proud I am of Cassandra for raising enough money to send all of us on this trip." They all cheered for Cassandra. During the events of The Friendship Games, Cassandra had invested a dollar in the stock market. Upon returning, her dollar had turned into millions. She decided to share her good fortune with her friends to help Rarity learn about generosity.

They arrived at the camp and met Gloriosa Daisy and Timber Spruce.

"Welcome to Camp Everfree," said Gloriosa, "you're free to do whatever you want. If you need anything, please let me know, and if it's something I can't help you with, Cassandra has kindly volunteered to help out. Does anyone have any questions?"

"What will the camp gift be?" asked Principal Celestia. She crossed her fingers and whispered silently "please be cake, please be cake..."

"Hopefully it is useful all day, unlike the sundial that my sister built because it looks like a giant cookie," said Luna.

"How about the dock?" said Cassandra, "I gave it a once-over and it looks like it's about ready to collapse."

"So no cake then?" sulked Celestia.

"The cake is a lie," joked Timber. Twilight laughed, she liked jokes about refrences.

"Well then screw this, I'm hiking back to Canterlot." Celestia grabbed her backpack and walked away.

"Um, don't we need her here for adult supervision?" asked Gloriosa.

"You're right," agreed Cassandra, "she shouldn't be left unsupervised, I'll go get her."

"Ok everyone, time to get your tent assignments." They went around with a bag of cards with gems on them.

"I got sapphire," said Twilight.

"Sapphires are just rubies without chromium" said Timber Spruce, his knowledge of gemology clearly making Twilight swoon.

"I know stuff about gems too," said Flash, "did you know that a garnet is a ruby and sapphire fused together?"

"Go away Flash" said Cassandra.

"Sapphire tent is the best" said Timber Spruce.

"You say that to everyone," said Twilight, blushing.

"Not true." He turned to Bulk Biceps, "You got ruby?"

"YEAH!"

"That's the worst one."

"NO!"

"Just kidding, but how about I show you where it is?"

"YEAH!"

"Did you know that a ruby is a sapphire with chromium?"

"NO!" replied Bulk as they made their way to the tent.

"Hey, wouldn't it be funny if his name was Roid Rage?" asked Flash with a dumb-looking smirk.

"Would you please go away already?" said Cassandra.

"What tent did you get, Cassandra?" asked Rarity, "I hear the emerald tent has only one bed," she said seductively.

"None, I built my own shelter just now," said Cassandra, pointing to a fancy-looking log cabin.

"Ah built one too," said Applejack, pointing at a pile of sticks arranged into a a vaguely teepee shape. A bird landed on it, and the entire structure collapsed. The bird then landed on Fluttershy's hand and chirped something.

"That's not very nice, she did the best she could. Cassandra has level 99 architecture skills, not many people can measure up."

The bird chirped something else.

"Well I suppose if you absolutely must, then that guy over there." The bird flew off the rejoin his flock. As they passed overhead, they pooped on Flash Sentry.

A limo pulled up and Filthy Rich stepped out.

"Well howdy Glori-osa. Ah'm here to look round the camp. Ah do declare it is one fine place for a spa."

"He's just speaking in hypotheticals" said Gloriosa, laughing nervously.

"Gloriosa, ah say, Glori-osa, that will not be a hypothetical if you don't get me mah money by th' end of the week."

"Can we talk about this later?" She hissed silently

"Verah well. You get me mah money you hear?" He got in his limo and rode away

"Filthy Rich just like to visit occasionally" explained Gloriosa.

"As th' element of honesty ah can say for certain she was telling the truth," said Applejack, "also ah know that Filthy Rich is an honest businessman, he convinced us that rather than sell the zap apple jam ourselves, we should sell it to him at cost price an' have him sell it in his stores."

The students began engaging in their camp activities. At the lake a boat got stuck in the water, when suddenly a mysterious force slammed it sideways, ramming it into the dock and shattering the boat to splinters.

"What the hell was that? " exclaimed Sunset, "and sidebar, why it the boat totaled but the dock without a scratch on it?"

"Elementary my dear Sunny, I built it to last," said Cassandra, "magic and monsters and destruction follow you wherever you go, so if you half-assed this job you'd end up having to rebuild it almost every day!"

Over at the rock climbing station, Octavia was climbing the wall with Vinyl scratch holding the rope, her headphones on full-blast as usual.

"Vinyl, could you hold it a little tighter, please?" called Octavia.

"WHAT? YOU WANT ME TO LET GO OF THE ROPE?"

"Lyra, how about you take over for a little bit?" said Cassandra, taking the rope from Vinyl and handing it to Lyra. Cassandra had the strength to hold up a rock climber with one hand, but she didn't like to make a big deal out if it.

"Hey look everbody! Ah've got super strength!" yelled Applejack.

Gloriosa ran over with the first aid kit, "what's all the commotion? Did someone fall off yet?"

"Yet?" said Rainbow Dash

"Yeah, it kind of has a way of happening every year, since we don't have an instructor and just leave the campers to figure it out on their own. Thank goodness for waivers!" she sang cheerfully.

"No one's injured," said Cassandra, "I got this."

"Oh, I am just so glad to have you here," said Gloriosa.

The other girls discovered that they had powers too, so they used them to fix things around camp, though thanks to Cassandra's diligence there wasn't much to fix.

"Hey Sunset, I was thinking, maybe we could get back together," said Flash. He put a hand on her shoulder.

"Why am I seeing TV static?" said Sunset.

"Gloriosa, I kicked my beanbag in the lake." said Sandalwood.

"Gloriosa, I shot Applejack with an arrow," said Derpy

"Gloriosa, Filthy Rich is back," said Timber.

"Don't worry, I got this," said Gloriosa

"No, you don't," said Cassandra, "Though you appear happy, I can see that you are screaming on the inside."

"Gasp!" exclaimed Sunset, "Cassandra, you have mind reading powers too?"

"No you silly filly, it's just situational awareness. Luckily, I'm going to teach you a way to deal with this. It's called prioritizing."

"What's that?" asked Gloriosa.

"It's when you choose what order to do things in based on how urgent they are."

"I don't understand."

"Well, first of all, how urgent is it that Filthy Rich is back?"

"Well, I can’t tell you the reasons but it's very urgent."

"And you should do that...?"

"First!"

"Good job. Now, this hippie wants a new beanbag, but he can do something else to occupy himself for a while."

"So I can get him a beanbag later."

"Two for two, you're on fire! Now as for Applejack, where did you shoot her, Derpy?"

"Straight through the heart. Her chest is so flat that there was nothing to block the arrow. Not like you Cassandra."

"More to the point, I'm too swift for anyone to hit me, but see Gloriosa, we can't bring her back to life no matter what priority you give it."

"So I can ignore that while I deal with the other things. Thank you Cassandra! Meet me out back for some practice kissing afterwards."

"Now I say Glori-osa, if you do not get me that money by the end of the month I will be de-molishing this here camp."

"But then your daughter won't get a chance to come here."

"Shut it, I say shut it with your tryin' to use logic."

"Well that tears it," said Gloriosa, "I'll have to take all of the Christmas lights."

She took the seven crystals that happened to be the same colors as the Mane 7.

"Gloriosa, you need to stop," said Sunset, "those crystals are dangerous."

"I have to save the camp, it's the only way. I can't have you interfering." She conjured up vines that tangled up Sunset and Twilight. Cassandra used parkour to avoid getting trapped.

"Oh, are they just going to tie us up and not do anything else?" said Sunset with a tinge of disappointment.

"Spike, stay here and free the girls, I'm going to get help," said Cassandra.

Cassandra arrived back at camp in time to get everyone indoors before Gloriosa arrived. She used her vines to repeatedly try and ensnare Cassandra, but the nimble pegasus-turned-human was too swift.

"Don't make me punch you in the throat Gloriosa, or should I say, Gaia Everfree?"

"Collective Gasp" said the campers, "how did you know?"

"The Legend of Everfree. I did research on the place before coming here."

"Research, why didn't I think of that?" said Twilight who had just entered the scene.

"Twilight, Sunset, thank goodness you're here!" said Cassandra

"You need us to help save the day?"

"No, but this is a great learning opportunity for you two. Now let me show you how to defeat a monster, and maybe someday you'll be strong enough to beat one without my help."

“Grr” said Gloriosa. She summoned up a thousand tendrils to go after Cassandra, but each one merely served as a stepping stone for Cassandra to get closer to Gloriosa. She hopped from branch to branch as Gloriosa became more frustrated and careless. Finally, she was within arm’s length of the counselor-turned wood nymph. “You think you’ve got me? Do your worst.”

“Boop.” said Cassandra, tapping her on the nose

“Are you serious?” demanded Gloriosa

“Look down”

“My necklace.”

Yep. Sorry babe, but I can’t let you have these

“NOOOOOOO!” The spirit of Gaia was forcefully extracted from Gloriosa. The vines disappeared in a flash, leaving Gloriosa suspended in midair. Thinking quickly, Cassandra flipped through the air and caught her, landing on the ground with a tuck and roll, and not a scrape or scratch on either of them. Gloriosa looked up at Cassandra, her face streaked with tears.

“I-I’m so sorry, can you ever forgive me?”

“Be calm my child,” said Cassandra, “we’ve forgiven a lot worse. But why did you do it?”

“I lied when I said Filthy Rich was stopping by because he was waxing nostalgic!”

“Oh?” said Cassandra pretending to be shocked.

“The real reason he was here was because if we don’t raise the money by the end of the month, he’ll demolish the camp!”

“So you just need money?”

“Yeah, all we have is a bunch of rich friends of our parents! We’ll never find a way to get the money!”

“Gloriosa,” said Cassandra, “I got this.”

“Y-you do?”

“I do. See, I told a white lie when I said I’d made millions in the stock market. The truth is, I made billions, but I kept it a secret so that the other stockbrokers wouldn’t get jealous. That guy on the TV show Mad Money has a very fragile ego.”

“Well if you’re just gonna be a boastful bitch, I don’t see how that solves my problems.” Other ponies would hav ebeen taken aback by Gloriosa’s lash-out, but Cassandra knew it was a reflexive jealousy that came about from those who were new to learning about friendship.

“Gloriosa, you’ve given me and my friends and countless campers before us the best week of our lives. I will pay off your debts so you can keep this camp running forever.”

“Oh Cassandra, thank you!” exclaimed Gloriosa. It was time to go, and while the campers were sad, they were proud to be part of Cassandra’s legend. The Legend of Everfree.

Chapter 59: The Reformed Characters (Part 1)

It was the Summer Sun Celebration and Cassandra was in full-swing, as she was in charge of the Ponyville celebration. A letter came from the citizens of Our Town, asking Cassandra to do theirs too. Cassandra thanked Derpy and gave her a kiss on the forehead before she flew off.

"What a dilemma," remarked Twilight, "how are you ever going to choose which town to help? Nopony could ever pull off that monumental multitasking that you need to help them both."

"Twilight, you silly filly," chuckled Cassandra, "I have level 99 multitasking skills, I could do this in my sleep! But, Starlight, why don't you take this on? This would be a good opportunity for you to give back to the ones you hurt."

"Why that's a great idea! I'll bring along my smartest, sexiest, best friend..." said Starlight. Twilight's eyes sparkled with glee. "...by which I mean Trixie!"

"I should have known there was a reason you dramatically paused, then led us over to Trixie's cart without speaking,” said Twilight, looking deflated.

"The grrrreat and powerful Trixie is honored that you would choose her to go on this quest of daring doom and then fool around with her."

"Hold on a minute, that's not-" started Twilight

"- a problem" interjected Starlight.

"Twilight, what's the matter?" asked Cassandra, who could always tell when something was the matter with her friends.

"If Starlight likes Trixie, then that would make her bisexual. I'm intolerant of bisexuals."

"Twilight, that's a horrible thing to say!" exclaimed Cassandra, "somepony you know very closely is a bisexual!"

"Who?"

"I am! Twilight, it's wrong to discriminate against ponies based on sexual orientation."

"I'm sorry Cassandra, I had no idea that words can hurt. I also forgive you for yelling at me."

"I'm glad you can. Now, it's not often we get the castle to ourselves, so how would you like to have a private reading session?"

"With you?" beamed Twilight, "yes! I'd love to!" And it was the best reading session ever.

Meanwhile, Starlight and Trixie went back to Starlight's old town, expecting an angry mob.

"Starlight, you're here!" exclaimed Party Favor.

"We're so glad to see you!" said Sugar Belle.

"Y-you mean you're not mad?" said Starlight.

"Well, we were," said Double Diamond, "but Cassandra wrote us a letter saying what a great job you've been doing to reform yourself, and that you almost never use mind control spells anymore."

"That Cassandra, she's always looking out for her friends," said Starlight, lovingly.

"Now here's a list of everything that Cassandra volunteered to do," said Night Glider, unrolling a very long scroll that stretched halfway across town.

"Well, I, um... wow that's a lot of stuff... I guess I could try to-" she was interrupted by a puff of smoke and in an instant the great and powerful Cassandra appeared.

"No fear everypony, I'm here. I just finished setting up Ponyville's celebrations, and now I'm here to help you!" she turned to Trixie, "I owe you a smoke bomb"

"Think nothing of it" said Trixie, "Trixie could never get them to work right anyway. Trixie makes mistakes sometimes, not that she’d confide in anypony but the Element of Trust Cassandra."

"Why don't you two go on home, I've got this from here," said Cassandra.

They went back to Ponyville where they were greeted by Applejack

“How do you do, fellow ponies?” said Applejack.

“Well, we ran all the way back here, so we’re a little tired but-”

“I too enjoy obtaining sustenance from food rather than intangible concepts.”

“Does something seem off about her?” asked Starlight.

“She seems rather articulate. She’s supposed to be the dumb one right?”

“You’ll have to be more specific, none of Twilight’s friends are particularly bright.”

“Hey, are you two talking smack about Twilight’s friends?” Starlight and Trixie jumped.

“Cassandra!!”

“I got done with the preparations in Starlight’s town, so I went to the Crystal Empire to check on their preparations, then came back here.”

“Cassandra, there’s something weird in the neighborhood” said Starlight.

“I know,” said Cassandra, “Twilight and her friends have been captured by the Changelings!!!”

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter 60: The Reformed Characters (Part 2)

"Don't worry, I brought back someone who can help us," said Cassandra. "Come on out, Thorax."

"H-hi," said the nervous changeling. Cassandra preemptively put a bubble around Trixie so that she didn't start screaming.

"He's reformed," explained Cassandra, "I brought Discord too. We're going to form a rescue team of reformed characters."

"But Cassandra, you can't be reformed, you never do wrong" said Starlight.

"Don't be so sure," said Cassandra, "I too have made a mistake in the past."

"Collective gasp" said the others

"I yelled at Twilight once," she explained

"The Great and Powerful Trixie is gobsmacked!"

"I sought forgiveness from her and eventually achieved it, but there was one pony whose forgiveness I could not attain."

"Whose?"

"My own."

"Oh, Cassandra," said Starlight sympathetically, "we all forgive you, you're too hard on yourself." They had a group hug.

"Thanks everyone," said Cassandra, "now there's no time to lose, let's hurry to Chrysalis, evil lair."

"I'm on it," said Discord, who took orders from Cassandra because he respected her. He teleported everyone there, but forgot Cassandra who was standing outside his teleportation radius

"Oh crap we forgot Cassandra!" said Thorax

"What took you so long to get here?" asked Cassandra. To their confused looks she replied "I flew here myself - I figured he would 'forget' to include me because he was too proud to ask for my help."

"Guilty" confessed Discord.

"Now, before we go in, everypony should know that only Changeling magic will work beyond this point," warned Cassandra.

"That's a disaster!" cried Discord, "without my magic, I'm just a series of unfunny obnoxious behaviors."

"Then count yourself lucky that nothing's changed for you." said Starlight.

"That was a great and powerful burn!!!" added Trixie.

"We have to move carefully," said Thorax, "only I and Cassandra know how to navigate the hive." Before long Discord was captured.

"What are we going to do now, Cassandra?" asked a concerned Trixie, "without magic, I'm the not-so-great and pathetic Trixie. Trixie wouldn't tell this to anypony else."

"Trixie, you need not worry. We can defeat them without magic if we have superior wit."

"Like the time you helped Twilight defeat Trixie when she had the Alicorn Amulet?" asked Trixie

"Exactly," said Cassandra. Her calming words put the wind right back into Trixie's sails.

"Stand back and watch the Grrreat and Powerful Trixie save the day without magic!" She switched to her stage voice. "Attention Changelings!" They all turned to look at her. "The Great and Negotiable Trixie would like to offer you a generous trade! In exchange for all of your black magic, and the release of the hostages, Trixie is prepared to offer you... This doorstop!" Cassandra facehoofed. The Changelings' expressions changed from curiosity to glares. With a hiss, they all began swarming Trixie. Trixie laughed nervously, "Eheheheh... Trixie thinks perhaps she misremembers how Twilight executed that. Well, The Great and Self-Preservational Trixie isn't sticking around here!" She tore off like a bullet.

"Come on," said Cassandra to her two remaining comrades, "that'll do as a distraction to get us into the hive."

They stepped into the inner sanctum where Chrysalis was expecting them.

"Join me Starlight, and I will make your face the grrrreatest in all of Equestria. Or else you will die!"

"You don't have the guts," said Starlight. Chrysalis responded by shooting Applejack with a death beam.

"Well ok, maybe you have some guts, but I bet you wouldn't kill somepony I like."

"You know me too well," said Chrysalis, "too well for a pony, that is." She shed "Starlight's" disguise revealing she was actually Thorax. In that moment of silence, she heard a tapping noise. She looked up to see the real Starlight pathetically chipping away at her throne with a rock. "Oh, was Thorax supposed to be a distraction for you?" she asked mockingly.

"Nope, Starlight was the distraction for me!" Cassandra raised her back hooves and kicked the throne. It shattered into a million pieces, and with her magic usable again, Cassandra turned all of the Changelings good, and made Thorax their king. But Chrysalis wasn't happy

"I'll get you, Starlight! Somehow, someday!" She flew off in a huff

"Awww, my little pupil has her first rival" cooed Twilight, stroking Starlight's mane, "I remember my first one, she was such a bitch."

"Hey, I'm right here!" said Trixie.

"Such a dumb, friend-stealing pony. She was fun to break."

"There's still one thing I don't understand," said Starlight, politely brushing off Twilight, "Princess Celestia, you're the most powerful pony in all of Equestria besides Cassandra, how did they get you?"

"Well....” began Celestia

Celestia sat in the royal pantry, scarfing down every dessert in sight when Luna walked in. She cocked her head, curiously.

"Here to judge me for what I chose to eat for breakfast?" scoffed Celestia.

"Of course not, dear sister, I would never judge you." Celestia's eyes narrowed.

"Who are you, and what have you done with my sister?" she asked. Luna chuckled.

"I know that's supposed to be a rhetorical question, but I can't help myself. I'm Queen Chrysalis and I've kidnapped your sister, and now I'm going to kidnap you, hahahahaha!"

Celestia noticed a bit of uneaten cake in the corner, and knew she had only a second to decide between using horn to pick it up, or to stop Chrysalis.

"Wow, you beat seven thousand changelings with just a dessert fork?" asked Twilight, glowingly.

"Yep, all seven layers, er I mean, seven thousand. But then the next wave overtook me," she finished, surreptitiously wiping cholocate off her muzzle.

"Say, shouldn't we be chasing after Chrysalis?" asked Starlight

"It's no use, she's too fast" said Rainbow Dash, "to catch her, we'd need somepony who can fly at like, Triple-Rainboom Speed." Suddenly there was a loud boom that knocked them off their feet, as three rainbows flashed across the sky. The brave and intrepid Cassandra stood before them with Chrysalis hogtied and her magic disabled.

"You've made my list, Cassandra! I hate you with the passion of a thousand suns, but I'm also kind of attracted to you!"

"Save it for your lawyer," said Cassandra, "You're going away for a long time."

"No prison can hold me," bragged the ex-Queen.

"No, I expect not," said Cassandra, "that's why I'm also a bounty hunter with a 115% capture rate."

"Hold on, that can't be right" said Rainbow, "the percentages only go up to 20."

"Impressive Rainbow," said Cassandra, "you are so right and so wrong at the same time. I capture all the bounties I'm assigned, plus some poines that they didn't even realize escaped!"

"So I guess the lesson is, some ponies just suck, no matter how hard you try to fix them," said Starlight.

"You mean like Trixie?" asked Twilight.

"Well yeah, but I'll just suppress my anger and force myself to put up with her no matter how bad she gets. What's the worst that could happen?

THE END.

Chapter 61: Swap Day

“And then she went zwoosh into the kitchen and zhwoosh! Back into the dining room, carrying a twelve-course meal for each of the twelve ponies, that’s…” Pinkie trailed off counting on her hooves

“Gross” cut in Maud

“Why I’m surprised at you Maud!” said Rarity, “it is highly intolerant of you to dismiss an entire race’s food like that before you’ve even tried it!”

“She means 12x12 is 144, or as somepony who deals with large quantities of items would call it, a gross” explained the ever-wise conversation-salvaging long-lost sister of the princess, Cassandra.

“That’s a relief” said Rarity, “because apart from a relatively short list of exceptions, I abhor xenophobia!”

“...anyway, that’s how the Tasty Treat restaurant was saved,” finished Pinkie, “also, me and Rarity were there too.”

“Twas indeed fascinating” agreed Rarity, “but anyway, why are we here?”

“Philosophy is one of my interests as well,” said Maud

“No no, she means please exposit on what our plans are for the day,” said Cassandra, “and the answer is, we’re here for the traditional capsid.”

“That’s an acronym, not the protein shell of a virus, which consists of several oligomeric structural subunits made of protein called protomer.” clarified Maud

“CAPSSD - Cassandra and Pie Sisters Swap Day,” said Pinkie, “that’s where Cassandra tells us what gifts to buy each other.”

“And I compensate her for her time with another type of gift. Wink.” said Maud.

“I shall be scouting for locations and also helping out with the gift giving,” finished Rarity. Cassandra didn’t need any help but she recognized it was important to make her friends feel like they were contributing once in a while.

“Can I make a confession, Cassandra?” asked Maud

“Maud, you probably don’t know this because we’ve only met a few times, but I am the Element of Trust. That means you can confide in me.”

“My confession is that I do not understand emotions or social behaviors.” Cassandra recognized that it was important not to undermine Maud’s sense of trust by pointing out how obvious that was.

“It’s ok Maud. While the world isn’t ready for me to go into the psychological details on a kids’ show, I know all about ponies like you, and I'm here to help. First, think of a thing that Pinkie likes.”

“Parties.”

“Good, now build off of that.”

“Political parties. I will purchase a textbook about government.”

“Try again.”

“Cupcakes. Cups. A set of plastic cups.”

“Ok, one more try” said Cassandra, exhibiting Level 99 patience.

“Candy…. I should buy her some ripped-up candy wrappers.” Cassandra decided that this was a good learning opportunity, for Maud on gift-giving, and for Pinkie on expressing gratitude for any gift no matter how lame.

“That is a gift worthy of the CAPSSD moniker. Now I have to go check on your sister. She and Rarity just did something really stupid.”

“How do you know?”

“I used my Cassandra Sense. Now, can you make it back to the park on your own without getting lost?”

“Analytically, there is a 65% chance.”

“That’s good enough to get a rocktorate, it’s good enough for me.” She took off, leaving a Sonic Cassandraboom in her wake.

“I should get a rocktorate. That would be sentimentary.”

“Sedimentary!” called Cassandra from afar.

“Alright morons, what did you do?” demanded Cassandra. It was harsh, but time was of the essence and she was right.

“I traded my cannon for a rock pouch!” sobbed Pinkie

“And I didn’t find a location for my boutique!” added Rarity.

“You two have no idea how lucky you are that I once had a part-time gig as a private investigator specializing in boutique locating and scam artist hunting. Go have some ice cream and I’ll sort this out.” She tossed them some bits and flew off again.

It took Cassandra 15 seconds to find the pony who had taken Pinkie’s cannon, who happened to be on the street that had the perfect location for a new boutique.

“Hey there buddy, that’s a nice cannon you got there.”

“Yeah, I bullied some desperate pony into trading it to me for just a rock pouch. Deal of the century!” sneered the pony

“Well clearly you’re a colt who knows a good deal when he sees one, and have I got a deal for you. I’ll trade you these crutches for that party cannon, what do you say?”

“Forget about it, I don’t need those.”

“You will in a minute. Unfortunately for you, I have a zero-tolerance policy for bullying.” She kicked him in the leg, snapping it as easy as a wooden matchstick.

“AAAUGH! Lady, have you gone mad?”

“Nopony picks on my friends!” said Cassandra, kicking out another one of his legs, “DON’T! EVER! DO! THAT! AGAIN!” she yelled, punctuating each word with a kick to his ribs.

“P-please Cassandra! Have mercy, I promise I’ll only do fair trades from now on.”

“ZERO TOLERANCE!” roared Cassandra. She picked up one of the crutches and began beating him so hard that his bruises showed even through his fur. His eyes were crooked from the head trauma. HIs precious gold tooth fell out when he tried to talk, and skittered into a sewer grate. It was futile to try, he only managed to cough up blood. “Relax, you’ll be back up and running eventually. Well maybe not running.” She chuckled at that. She took off with the party cannon, completely unhindered by its weight.

Cassandra met up with the rest of the group and sang the Pie Sister Swap Day Song, which featured two verses from her, and Pinkie finishing off with “It’s the Cassandra and Pie Sister Swap Day Soooong!”

“Hey.” added Maud.

“Cassandra I’m so so so so happy that you brought back my super special awesome party cannon! Maud is happy too!” cheered Pinkie Pie. Maud did manage to muster up the slightest of smiles. “This is so much better than having to choose between the rock pouch and my party cannon!”

“I must too express my commendations for Cassandra finding the perfect location after I failed so terribly miserably,” added Rarity, “but incidentally, how did you get him to give back the cannon without giving up the rock pouch.”

“Oh, I found a rare bottlecap that turned out to be the last one he needed for his collection.”

“Why he must have been overjoyed.”

“He was so happy he could barely stand up.” said Cassandra with a grin. They would never know just how lucky they were to have a friend like Cassandra.

Chapter 62: The Boat Ride

Cassandra the most beautiful and wise of the seven Elements of Harmony, stood at the train station with Twilight Sparkle, in anticipation of their friends coming back.

“I can’t wait to hear about all the fun they had,” said Twilight, “it’ll be all the fun of going on a cruise, without actually having to go outside.” The train pulled up, and three ponies, dripping wet and covered in seaweed, with scowls on their faces, wrestled their way out of the car.

“Wait a minute,” said Twilight, “frowning faces, arched eyebrows, snarling noises, those aren’t behaviors associated with happiness!”

“Well spotted, Twilight” said Cassandra, patting her on the head. “Girls, I take it your trip didn’t go too well.”

"Well Cassandra, you weren’t there, so from the start, there was no way it could be a perfect 10,” said Rarity.

“I haven’t had a boat ride that bad since the time I was stuck on a lifeboat with a tiger,” said Pinkie Pie.

“When ah come back from a trip soakin’ wet an’ exhausted, it’s usually cause of Braeburn,” said Applejack.

They all stormed off in opposite directions.

“This is horrible, Cassandra, what are we going to do?” asked Twilight.

“We’ll throw a tea party at your house, so they can talk things out on a neutral ground.” said Cassandra, “I’ll make the tea & pastries, Spike, you send out invitations, and Twilight…. stand by, I’m sure I’ll think of something for you to do.” Twilight beamed, she was so lucky to have Cassandra as a friend.

The next day, at around noon, AJ, Rarity, and Pinkie were nowhere to be found. Instead, their pets showed up at the castle, each with a letter. Cassandra took a look at Opal’s letter,

“To my beloved Cassandra,
Regrettably even the temptation of afternoon tea, and the subsequent potential for afternoon delight, cannot compel me to attend any soiree where those two are in attendance.
Love, Rarity.”

Spike flipped over Gummy to read Pinkie’s letter,
“Dear Cassandra and others,
The amount of interest I have in going to a party with those two, could fit on a pinhead. Insert pop culture reference here.
-Pinkie Pie.”

Twilight opened up Applejack’s letter,
2 Kasandera,
No T w/ Pik Pye and ♦.
Plz bye moar appells
-AJ.
“Cassandra, can you make heads or tails of this?” asked Twilight

“Hmm,” said Cassandra, examining the letter, “well I can’t read all of her handwriting, but I believe the message is something she rarely says to Braeburn: ‘I’m not coming.’”

“Well, so much for the party,” lamented Twilight.

“Worry not, my little pony, for I have another solution,” said the gorgeous and resourceful Cassandra, “I’ll use my level 99 strength to raise the boat, then study the wreckage with my level 99 forensic skills to figure out what happened.”

Two hours later, Cassandra gathered everypony at the dock.

“After analyzing the results, I think I’ve come up with a pretty clear picture of what happened. Now I must warn you that it is not a flattering depiction, and it indicates that mistakes were made by all, albeit some ponies made more than others.” she glanced at Applejack.

“Cassandra darling, as you are the Element of Trust, we trust that your account is accurate,” said Rarity

“Fire away!” agreed Pinkie.

****FLASHBACK****

Arrr mateys! said Applejack, “Welcome aboard me ship, th’ Jack Pearl.” Switching back to her normal voice, she added “Ah ain’t actually a pirate, because pirates were dishonest and ah’m th’ Element of Honesty.”

“Phew,” said Pinkie, “you had me worried there for a second.”

“Applejack, why on Celestia’s Green Earth are you wearing your stetson hat on a cruise?” asked Rarity

“Oh, ah never take mah hat off, ‘cept at formal occasions and when ah’m havin’ a roll in th’ hay with Braeburn.” she started drooling. The boarded the boat and set off for their adventure at sea.

“I brought a tasteful selection of hors’d’eourves!” said Rarity, taking the lid off of a fancy multi-tiered tray.

“Mighty kind of ya Rarity, but ah dun’t think that’s gonna be enough fer me, ah’m eatin’ fer two.”

“GASP!” exclaimed Rarity, “Applejack, darling do tell us, who is the father, I simply MUST know!”

“Braeburn of course” said Applejack

“Oh,” said Rarity, regretful for her curiosity, “I think I’ve lost my appetite.” She threw the tray overboard.

“You can have my snacks,” said Pinkie Pie

“Thank ya kindly,” said AJ, “Ah’m gonna remember it as you bein’ a bitch, though.” She took to the wheel, and started steering the ship, until Pinkie snuck up behind her and blindfolded her.

“It’s pinata time!”

“Here ah go!” said Applejack. She took a swing and ended up whacking Rarity.

“Applejack, darling! Do watch where you’re swinging that! OOF!” she exclaimed as she got hit again. The sky started to get dark, and the waters choppy.

“Uhm, Applejack?” said Pinkie

“Not now sugarcube, that candy’s so close, ah can tast-”

“Applejack, you really should get back to the wheel!” said Rarity, taking away the bat before the dim-witted farmpony could do any more damage.

“Rarity, yer such a stickler fer manners, don’t ya know it’s rude ta interrupt? Now where’s that gad dang stick at?” she never got a chance to find the stick, because at that moment, a large wave engulfed the boat.

****END FLASHBACK****

“And that wave was no wave, it was actually, the tri-horned bunyip attracted by your cucumber sandwiches!” finished Cassandra, “now who’s ready to party?”

“Hooray!” cheered everypony. They went out on a boat with Cassandra at the helm. Everypony had a blast except Applejack, who fell out of the boat and died (she wasn’t wearing a lifejacket.) Cassandra was the best friend ever, from everypony’s point of view.

Chapter 63: The Music Video [Equestria Girls Specials, Part 1]

It was a little while after the events of Camp Everfree, and the girls were hard at work collecting money for the camp. Pinkie did a bake sale, where sales exploded when Rainbow Dash showed up with the softball team

"Sorry again for that time before Equestria Girls when I didn't show up to a bake sale with the softball team, can you forgive me?" said Dash

"Of course I forgive you!" said Pinkie Pie, "Friends forgive mistakes, Cassandra taught me that!"

"She is the best, isn't she?" swooned Rainbow Dash. She wasn't ordinarily one for the mushy stuff, but Cassandra was lightyears away from ordinary.

"It's too bad she can't be here," said Pinkie, "she's out fixing every McFlurry machine in the world so they'll never break again, and I can deal with a little heartache for such a noble pursuit!"

"Excuse me, I'd like to buy your entire stock," said a customer, "I was on the fence, but the softball team's presence has swayed me."

Twilight and Sunset were in the music room, Twilight looking through college pamphlets.

"What do you think Sunset, Hoofford or Pranceton?"

"Oh, honey, you're at a public school now, and one where Applejack is in the top percentage of achievers. Here, why don't you have a look at these?" She handed Twilight some community college brochures.

Before Twilight could respond, the others walked in.

"Good news everyone!" announced Rarity, "I have found an opportunity to make the rest of the money, with what is probably a reasonable risk, at least I think it is, I don't really do math."

"I told you already, Rarity, I can't ask the horses who's going to win the race," said Sunset.

"No no no, not that, darling. I found a music video contest. All we have to do is pay the entry fee of all our money, and if we win, we get to sign away the royalties in exchange for about a fraction of what could be considered fair compensation. But it'll be double enough to save Camp Everfree." Since they didn't have Cassandra to evaluate the risk, none of them could find a problem with that idea.

At the mall, Rarity was just about to submit her application when she encountered four of the Shadowbolts.

"Why hello, are you here to submit an application for the dance contest?"

"We feel pretty optimistic about our chances," said Sour Sweet, "so why don't you just quit?"

"I'm afraid I cannot do that," said Rarity, "for you see, we need the money to save a camp run by two orphans."

"We need the money for our class trip," explained Sunny Flare. "We promised our class a yacht but don't have the money for it."

"UNLESS OF COURSE, YOU AS A FRIENDSHIP EXPERT, THINK THIS WOULD BE A GOOD OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN A LESSON ABOUT OVERPROMISING." added LEMON ZEST.

"Of course not, darling," said Rarity, "your situation seems just as dire as ours and not at all like a first-world problem. Say, wasn't there five of you last time we met?"

"Indigo Zap was only with us because of the Friendship Games, none of us like her or would spend time with her unless forced to." said Sugarcoat bluntly.

"Well then just be glad you don't have some kind of divine Equestrian power that only works if all of you are together. That's the very definition of a double-edged sword. Oh my, look at us the banterers, I'm just as sophisticated as you are."

"If you say so," said Sour Sweet.

"SINCE WE'RE ALL EQUALS, WHY DON'T YOU GIVE US A DETAILED LAYOUT OF YOUR DANCE ROUTINE???" suggested Lemon Zest.

"Yes, it would be divinely generous of you, bordering on naïveté," said Sugarcoat.

"Hoooold on a minute," said Rarity, "this seems oddly familiar. How do I know you won't steal it for yourselves?"

"Because we're... not Suri Polomare?" suggested Sunny weakly.

"Good enough for me~!" sang Rarity.

"Good news everyone!" announced Rarity, "the Shadowbolts are entering the contest too!"

"How is that good news?" said Rainbow , "without Cassandra here, we've got no chance of coming up with a dance routine."

"It's good news because pressure turns even the roughest rocks into dia-monds!!" she said, putting a flair on her favorite word.

"If my sister were here, she'd say, 'not all rocks become diamonds under pressure, some just shatter," said Pinkie, using a deadpan impression of Maud.

"Well Maud isn't here, and thank goodness because she'd just drag everything down with her can't-do attitude. Now back to work, Fluttershy, you're up!" Fluttershy awkwardly attempted a ballet routine before toppling over frontwards.

"Cut!" yelled Rarity through the large director's cone, "Horrid! Do it again!"

"Rarity, I'm clearly too top-heavy to do this part, and frankly I think you're making me do it out of jealous spite."

"Oh, pish-posh," said Rarity. Flash walked in, and Sunset held him back from getting too close to Twilight

"Oh, hey Twilight, I didn't know you were going to be here."

"That's a lie" said Sunset. Flash threw his wallet on the ground

"Oh, whoops," he said with clearly exaggerated acting, "I dropped my monster condom that I use for my m a g n u m d o n g." He held up the condom for emphasis.

"Flash, that bit doesn't work when there's someone in the room who's seen your - and I use air quotes here- magnum dong," said Sunset, "now unless you're volunteering to make our dance video into a snuff film, I suggest you go cry to Derpy about how no one loves you, and her inability to see straight is the only reason she can't see how much you suck"

"Being in Flash Sentry's presence has left me so drained," said Rarirty, "I need some retail therapy."

"Count me in too," said Sunset, "at least you didn't have to touch him."

At the mall, they noticed the Shadowbolts rehearsing a familiar looking dance. Rarity gasped,

"By the fifteen-faceted fire rubies of Fillydelphia! They've stolen my dance routine!" She stomped over to the four dancers, "I demand you cease using my dance routine this instant, you... you... Stealybolts!"

"Your request is very persuasive," said Sour, "but like hell we will!"

"Well, we tried," said Sunset, "girls, may the best team win. Put'er there," she said, offering a handshake, which Sunny took. "They have no song," said Sunset with a smirk.

"What???" Sunny was so flabbergasted that she dropped the Purell bottle she was using, "how in this world or the other one did you know???"

"We could've bluffed our way out of it if you didn't just spill the beans," pointed out Sugarcoat.

"Oh, uh, yeah, I was just faking, we do have a song" insisted Sunny.

"GUYS, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TELL THEM WE HAVE NO SONG!" said Lemon.

"Ideeeeea~!" sang Rarity, "we can write songs and you can dance. If we combined ourselves we'd be unstoppable!"

"They're announcing the winner!" squeed Rarity.

"We're probably going to hate you if we lose!" said Sugarcoat.

"Here it comes," said Rainbow Dash, "it's....Cassandra???"

"Konichiwa, minawa" said Cassandra , who was fluent in Japanese, "I got a sense you were doomed, so I made that in the basement during my downtime as an insurance policy."

"But didn't you see our video?" asked Rarity, "we had it all locked up for sure."

"Oh, I saw it alright. And let me tell you, it looks a lot different when you don't have the bias of someone who made it. You Shadow-dolts tried to learn a song in a day, and you Canter-clods tried to learn to dance! It was ill-rehearsed, completely out-of-time, and basically lucky to get you second-to-last place. Any sane pony would have to step in."

"But how'd ya do it? You couldn't have done that all by yerself," said Applejack, "that'd be like the time ah tried t'harvest all th' apples durin' Applebuck Season."

"Ok, first of all, don't ever compare yourself to me, Applejack, you are leagues beneath my greatness even on your best day and my worst. But the point stands - while I built the sets, designed the costumes, choreographed the dance, wrote the song, and directed & starred in the video, and did all the editing, it is true that I needed someone to bring me cold beverages and help me practice kissing."

"Who?" asked Twilight.

"Surprise, bitches." said Indigo Zap, leaping out from behind a pillar, holding a fat envelope full of cash. The four Shadowbolts looked very sheepish.

"Er, Hey Indigo," said Sugarcoat, "Our group here had a deal to split the prize money. What do you think, can we still make it happen?"

"In between ensuring the unimpeded flow of soft-serve ice cream and working on the music video, Cassandra still had time to teach me a valuable lesson on overpromising, when I promised to get her an apple and brush her hair, but couldn't find the time to do both in the same day. So I think this is a great chance for my Crystal Prep 'friends' to learn a lesson about overpromising. Catch, beta-me!" She tossed the envelope to Rainbow Dash, who fumbled a bit, but managed to recover it.

"We can save Camp Everfree!" declared Twilight. The Canterlot students gave a cheer.

"Hey Cassandra," said Indigo, "since we didn't get the yacht, how about a consolation motorboat?" She waggled her eyebrows.

"Maybe later," said Cassandra, "for now, you must amend fences with your friends, who are very sorry for kicking you out... A-HEM!" Getting her signal, the four Shadowbolts changed their expressions of annoyance and cynicism into very forced smiles.

"You're arrogant and loud..." began Sour Sweet, "but if Cassandra says we should be friends, then you must be ok."

"But what are we going to do about the class trip?" said Sunny.

"I JUST REMEMBERED, WE ALL HAVE RICH PARENTS, LET'S GET THEM TO PAY FOR IT!" said Lemon Zest.

"Zest, you're brilliant!" exclaimed Sour, "for once." The Shadowbolts high-fived and walked off.

"I'm glad you're all here," said Cassandra, "because I have another big announcement. Remember that time I helped famous director Canter Zoom win an Oscar? Well, I got in contact with him recently, and he agreed to let us tour the set of the new Daring Do movie!"

"So.... Awesome!!!" exclaimed Raimbow Dash, tackle-hugging Cassandra. She wasn't strong enough to actually knock Cassandra over but got her point across nonetheless.

"I say," said Rarity, "if there's one takeaway of this episode, it's that Cassandra is the best friend a girl could ever have."

Chapter 64: The Film Studio [Equestria Girls Specials, Part 2]

The Mane 8 were at the set of the new Daring Do movie. After watching the filming of the scene, in which Cassandra corrected a scripting error, the girls decided to look around the set.

“I want to go look at the props that Cassandra and AK Yearling made,” said Twilight, “so that’s what all of us are doing.”

“Now hold on a minute, Twilight,’ said Cassandra, “being friends means respecting each others’ different interests, and not always forcing them to do what you want.”

“Oh Cassandra, how could I have been so blind to that?” said Twilight.

“Don’t feel bad,” said Cassandra, “it took your Equestrian counterpart a long, long time to learn that one, but I persevered because I was just that devoted to teaching her the magic of friendship.”

“You really are the best,” said Twilight.

“I know,” said Cassandra, “now I’ll go with Dash and Twilight to show them the props. Fluttershy and Rarity, you go visit the star of the movie, I hear she’s an environmental activist on the side. I’ve already solved the animal homelessness problem, but I’m sure you can find some charitable cause to rope her into.”

“Cassandra darling, you’re a genius!” said Rarity

“Pinkie and Spike - did you know that the builder of the studio was an eccentric with a sweet tooth and that there’s a cupcake fountain?”

“We didn’t know that! You’re so smart, Cassandra!” said Pinkie.

“Ah wanna see the sets!” said Applejack.

“Sunset, since you drew the short straw, you have to go with her and make sure she doesn’t break anything,” instructed Cassandra

“It’s a burden, but it’s fair,” said Sunset.

Cassandra, Twilight, and Rainbow were inspecting the props.

“So after AK Yearling called me up, I was all too happy to verify the props for her. The rest as they say, is history.” Cassandra took a bow, and the others clapped.

“Excuse me, but did you just say you were Cassandra?” said a new voice. They turned around to see a fair-skinned glasses-wearing girl with blue ponytails tied down with bangles shaped like film reels. “I’m a big fan of Daring Do myself, and I wanted to thank you for making this movie happen. Oh, I’m Juniper Montage by the way, the director’s niece.”

“My, that’s a villainously long name,” commented Cassandra, “mind if we call you June for short?”

“I do mind.”

“All right then, but don’t blame me if these mush-mouths can’t get it right.”

“I’m such a big fan of Daring Do, and you by extension, Cassandra!” gushed Juniper, “I wanted to play Daring Do more than anything but my uncle wouldn’t go for it! I mean, can you think of even one good reason why they wouldn’t cast a fair-skinned actress to play an olive-skinned character? Anyway, I have the keys to everywhere in the studio.”

“Do a lot of people have keys like that?” asked Cassandra

“Nope just me, I’m unique and cool and special like that. But if the police ask, then lots and lots of people have sets of keys just like mine, any questions?”

“I have one,” said Twilight, “Do they call you Jupiter Monologue because you talk a lot?”

Later that day, a lot more trouble happened. The star got mad, a volcano set collapsed, and the props went missing! They spotted a hooded figure running away and gave pursuit.

They chased the hooded figure through a Western movie set where two cowboys were shooting at each other. Suddenly, Applejack doubled over, clutching her abdomen

"Aaah! Ah've been shot! They got me right in th' six pack! This is it fer me! G'bye cruel world! Tell Braeburn ah love him!"

"Applejack," said Cassandra

"No, Cassandra, ya gotta leave me behind, there ain't nothin' you can do ta save me now. Take care'a Big Mac an' Applebloom for me! Ah bequeath you my hat an' my outstandin' debts."

"APPLEJACK!" repeated Cassandra.

"W-what?" asked Applejack weakly.

"For the love of Celestia, those aren't real bullets!"

"Huh?" Applejack removed her hand from the supposed bullet-wound, revealing nothing but a very small bruise. "Well how 'bout that?"

"I'll be happy to take you up on that request to leave you behind if you don't get your flank into gear."

"No need, ah'm all good," said AJ, picking herself up. As the group resumed their chase, Cassandra called back to Applejack.

"By the way, you're a couple cans short of a six-pack, in more ways than one." As an apprentice Element of Honesty, Applejack was glad to receive that lesson in honesty.

Next, they chased her through a Power Ponies set where due to a hilarious mixup, they were mistaken for the Power Ponies and put into costumes that included high-heeled boots. Finally, when they arrived on the set of "Precipitation with a Probability of Penne," they lost her. Everyone was out of breath except for Dash who had super speed, and Cassandra who was the only one smart enough to think of taking her heels off. Suddenly, the hooded figure ambushed them with a net that she just found. Only Dash and Cassandra were able to evade it.

“Leave us, an’ go get th’ thief!” exclaimed Applejack

“That was plan,” said Cassandra. They chased the hooded figure into a supply closet, but the hooded thief got the jump on them and locked them in.

“I could easily break down the door, but it’d be expensive to replace,” said Cassandra.

“Your thoughtfulness is turning me so on!” said Rainbow Dash, “As long as we’re locked in here, wanna make the most of our time?” she asked, seductively. Before Cassandra could respond, there was a banging on the door.

“Dash! Cassandra! Are you in there?” called Sunset.

“Yeah!” said Dash, “someone who has the keys to all the doors in the studio must’ve locked us in here.”

“That information means nothing to me!” yelled back Twilight

“Twilight, use your telekinetic powers to unlock the door!” said Cassandra.

“Oh, that’s a good idea.” The lock clicked open and Dash and Cassandra were freed.

“You did it Twilight!” said Dash.

“That’s not all,” said Cassandra, “using my level 99 deductive skills, I’ve figured out our culprit, and I have a plan to catch her. Now in keeping with the rules of film, I can’t explain the plan or else it won’t work, but because I am the Element of Trust, you all are obligated to trust that I know best.”

Cassandra stood victoriously, holding the black-clad Juniper Montage under citizen’s arrest, her perfect plan having worked flawlessly.

“I never would’ve guessed that it was Jennifer Monsoon who stole the props, locked us in the closet, and destroyed the volcano set,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Hold on a minute, I didn’t destroy any set!” objected Juniper

“Yeah, uhm ‘bout that, ah mighta accidentally knocked out a couple’a support beams while ah was lookin’ around over there” said Applejack.

“Juicier Montauk, I am very disappointed in you,” said Canter Zoom, “Turn in your keys and leave the studio.”

“Can I keep the outfit though?” asked Juniper pleadingly

“She does look fetch in black,” said Rarity.”

“Fine,” said Canter Zoom.

“Hey, any chance you have extra roles for seven female teenagers and one dog?” asked Rainbow Dash

“As a matter of a fact, I have exactly that amount of vacancies right now,” said Canter Zoom, “hmm, I probably could’ve offered one to my niece.”

Cassandra graciously stayed behind the scenes because she didn’t want to upstage Chestnut. Chsetnut turned out to be the good guy all along, and was only made because she had to do a documentary on apples. The movie was a brilliant success and once again Cassandra had saved the day.

“Hey Rarity, whatever happened happened to that magic mirror I gave you?” asked Cassandra

“Oh, I lost it, but don’t worry dear, what are the chances that some evil villain will just randomly stumble upon it?”

“Very high.”

“Er, what was that?” said Juniper Montage

“I said, ‘the number of favors your uncle owes me for giving you this job is very high. Now stop looking at that mirror and get back to work!”

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter 66: The Cure

Zecora was helping Fluttershy gather things from the swamp.

“Zecora, can you get me some of that moss?” she asked, pointing to some moss floating in the water.

“It would be much easier to get those things, if I were a pegasus with wings,” said Zecora.

“Oh, I know, but I’m scared that Shrek will attack me”

“Do not worry, I shall be brave, for this zebra is your humble-“

“Just go.” So Zecora went into the swamp, and breathed in the pollen from a mysterious flower.

Later that day, Zecora was sneezing and coughing up bubbles. Fluttershy called up Twilight, as well as Cassandra, who had Level 99 healing skills, to examine her.

“Cassandra, I am feeling ill, but I don’t believe in using pills.”

“That is a conundrum,” said Cassandra

“A what?” asked Twilight.

“It means something hard to figure out,” said Cassandra, “but I think I know. Long ago, there was a sorceress called Mage Meadowbrook, who was said to have the cure for Swamp Fever, but she went missing years ago.”

“You mean she d- mmph!” began Twilight, before Cassandra shoved a hoof into her mouth.

“This is a TV-Y show. She went missing, got it?”

“Mm-hmm,” nodded Twilight. Cassandra removed the hoof from her mouth.

“Can I suck on your hoof some more?” asked Twilight.

“Later,” said Cassandra, “for now, we have to find a cure for Zecora. Luckily, I know where Meadowbrook used to live. I bet if we visit her house, we can find some clues. However, Fluttershy, my level 99 diagnostic skills are telling me that you’ve contracted the illness. You must stay home and rest.” Fluttershy felt extremely guilty about making Zecora sick, but Cassandra was her smartest friend, as well as the Element of Trust, meaning Fluttershy knew she could trust Cassandra’s judgement in all matters.

“Ok, I’ll stay here and warm up the bed.” Cassandra, being really hot and bisexual, was used to getting hit on by every mare in town, so she just ignored Fluttershy’s pass at her.

They went to Mage Meadowbrook’s house, where they met her descendant, Cattail.

“Catrails have no value in nutrition, medicine, or textiles,” said Twilight, “it must be hard to have a cutie mark of something that has no purpose.”

“Twilight!” scolded Cassandra. The princess was highly book smart and eager to share her knowledge, but did not always have a gauge on when it was appropriate to do so.

“Mah talent is makin’ cattails look like hot dogs, an’ trickin’ ponies inta eatin’ them!”

“I wasn’t aware that was a profitable industry” said Twilight

“Well it ain’t yet, but ah film my exploits so that when somepony invents a sharin’ platform that allows recorded videos ta be viewed publicly, ah’ll start a prank channel an’ make millions!!”

“That sounds like it would only appeal to the ponies in the very lowest echelon of both intelligence and maturity.” said Twilight.

“Er, that’s a fancy way of saying she loves it,” improvised Cassandra, diplomatically saving them from conflict like she did in Yakyakistan Trade Dispute of 1354. “Now, we need to find a cure for Swamp Fever, and we understand that your great-great-great grandmother found a cure for Swamp Fever, do you know what it is?

“Hell naw, ah’ve been too preoccupied with mah cattail thang, laughter is the best medicine y’know.”

“Hmm, then we’ll just have to use knowledge to figure it out,” said Cassandra, luckily we have two smart ponies here.” They thought about it for a minute before Cassandra said, “It must be something exclusive to this swamp.”

“Yeah,” said Twilight.

“And it must be something hard to acquire, otherwise it’d be more widely known.”

“Right,” said Twilight.

“I’ve got it! I bet it’s the honey from the flash bee hive!” proclaimed Cassandra triumphantly.

“We did it!” exclaimed Twilight, linking hooves with Cassandra and jumping up and down, “we each made an equal contribution to discovering the cure!”

“Right,” said Cassandra brushing Twilight off politely, “but the hard part is how do we get it? Like most things with ‘Flash’ in their name, the flash bees are very unpleasant to be around.”

“Flash bee stings can hurt and even knock you out,” said Twilight

“Unless, you have a mask!” exclaimed Cassandra, “I bet that bird mask was key to getting the honey.”

“Cassandra, we just made another brilliant discovery together!” said Twilight. Cassandra knew it was better for morale not to correct her. As they bravest pony present, Cassandra was tasked with gathering the honey. The mask wasn’t perfect because Mage Meadowbrook only had Level 87 crafting skills. Most of the swarm left Cassandra alone but a few of them stung her. Cassandra had no resistances to the stings, except an unbreakable will to save her friends. So she fought through the pain and the burning, to gather enough honey to save everyone.

Arriving back home, Cassandra quickly delivered the antidote to Fluttershy and Zecora.

“For Cassandra, this brilliance is par for the course. I am no longer feeling hoarse.” said Zecora.

“So what did we miss?” asked Cassandra.

“Not much,” replied Fluttershy, “If you had done something that an unreliable pony would do, like take a 3-day nap, things might be different, but because you solved the problem so quickly, not a lot has changed. Although, nopony’s seen Applejack for a while...”

“When Applejack came to visit me, she instantly turned into a tree!” said Zecora

“Well that doesn’t surprise me; her propensity for consanguineous relationships has surely given her a compromised immune system,” said Cassandra.

“I sneezed on her, and immediately, she sprouted branches with greenery!” continued Zecora

“So where is she now?”

“Two beavers from the Everfree, chewed through her tree trunk vigorously.”

“Well that’s unfortunate; my magic could’ve restored her if she was still intact, but-“

“They divided her up evenly, then used her to make those dams you see.”

“Zecora, can’t you see you’re upsetting Fluttershy?” scolded Cassandra, pointing at the whimpering pony

“Her loss was not in vanity, for they channel the waters efficiently.”

“I suppose so,” said Fluttershy, wiping her eyes. “Wait, look, they’re starting to fall apart!”

“Well they stayed standing for longer than most things Applejack builds,” observed Cassandra

“A swarm of termites, apparently. They've devoured her in her entirety.” explained Zecora. Fluttershy was about to tear up again but Cassandra had comforting words,

“Don’t be sad Fluttershy, be happy for Applejack, because that was the most edible thing she ever made. She’d have wanted it that way.”

“Thanks Cassandra, you always know just what to say.”

“I know, now who wants tofu nuggets with Szechuan Sauce?”

“Gasp!” said Twilight, who understood Rick and Morty because she had a high IQ, “Cassandra, I had to wait 6 hours in line at Hayburger just for a small packet, and that was with the influence of my princessly authority. How did you get it?”

“Who do you think came up with the idea to bring it back? Only somepony who’s smart, beautiful, and has an appreciation of the 1990s, objectively the best decade, could have done it.”

“Wait a minute Cassandra, you’re all of those things!” said Fluttershy.

“Indeed I am,” said Cassandra, “indeed, I am.” Thanks to Cassandra’s efforts, the only ailment they had to worry about was loving Cassandra too much.

Chapter 67: Griffonstone

The Cutie Map called Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash to Griffonstone. They were both feeling shy, so Cassandra offered to go with them. Cassandra was part griffon, specifically inheriting their strength and entrepreneurial skills, but keeping all the attractiveness of a pony. Cassandra had level 99 narration skills so they didn’t have to waste time on exposition and rush the episode’s plot as consequence.

Immediately they got into trouble on the train when Pinkie wanted to spend all their money on sweets. Rainbow spaced out and almost let it happen, but luckily the responsible Cassandra moticed, and talked her down to spending only half of it, and buying healthy snacks instead.

“That being said,” said Cassandra, “I predict that this friendship problem will involve teaching the griffons that there are more important things than money, and we can’t do that by throwing money at every problem we encounter. So I’m going to make use of my Level 99 accounting skills, and put the other half of the money into 401(k) accounts for you two. It’s still your money, but it’ll be untouchable for now, and it’ll grow into your retirement fund.” The others had level 3 accounting skills, so it went way over their heads, but Cassandra was the Element of Trust so they knew they could trust her to make the best financial decisions.

They arrived at Griffonstone and met Gilda. She introduced them to the village elder, Grandpa Gruff. Gilda did the introductions.

“Gramps, these are my friends, Pinkie Pie...”

“Yes yes, I know who they are - Pinkie Pie, Painbow Dash, and Passandra.”

“It’s Rainbow Dash and Cassandra, you old buzzard!” exclaimed Dash.

“I know you’re pulling my leg - all Griffons have names that start with G, so don’t all ponies have names that start with P?”

“Hashtag NotAllPonies, you ignorant fillyboomer!” said Dash indignantly

“Easy Dash,” said Cassandra. “Please excuse my friend here, she has level 0 diplomacy skills. Now, we’re here on a friendship assignment and need to guess what problem we're here to solve, so why don’t you tell us some backstory?”

“You want it? It’s yours my friend, as long as you have enough bits.”

“Tell you what - given the state of your kingdom, the backstory obviously involves some kind of problem or gross Griffon incompetence. So in exchange for the backstory, I’ll solve the problem.”

“Very well. Griffonstone was once a rich and prosperous kingdom, until the Idol of Boreas was lost. The kingdom plunged into ruin despite the best efforts of King Grover.”

“I know who that is!” said Rainbow. “It’s the guy who teaches foals about the difference between near and far! It’s no wonder this place is such a mess, you can’t build an economy on that!” Cassandra looked at the camera incredulously like Jim from The Office.

“Do you know where the idol might be?” asked Cassandra.

“Better - I know where it is,” said Gruff, “but there’s no money to be made from retrieving it, so nogriffon’s interested in getting it back. It is on a ledge inside of a gorge that is extremely windy.”

“Luckily for you, I have a Level 99 resistance to wind,” said Cassandra, “I’ll have that idol back before dinnertime!”

“Oh we don’t have dinner anymore,” said Gruff, “on account of no food.”

“I’ll change that,” said Cassandra, “in the meantime, Pinkie, I need you to show Gilda’s friend how to make scones properly- the key is baking powder.”

“Aye-Aye” said Pinkie with a salute.

“And Rainbow, go make up with Gilda, you’re both being childish.” As Celestia’s long-lost sister, Cassandra could have just ordered them to be friends again, and lesser ponies in her position would have absolutely done so. But thanks to her skill, Cassandra knew she could get them to make up willingly. “Gilda, Dash is too shy to approach you, but she’s very sorry for her part in the feud, and wants to be friends again, isn’t that right Dash?”

“Mm-hmm,” agreed Dash, who was too shy to say any more.

“It’s true, we are being childish,” said Gilda, “Dash, if Cassandra vouches for you, I guess you’re not so lame after all.”

“And if Cassandra says you’re ok, then I trust her because she’s the Element of Trust, now bring it in!” the two of them embraced, and then turned to thank Cassandra, but she was already gone.

As a slender pegasus, Cassandra found it easy to navigate the caverns. For most ponies, the downside to that would be the strong winds, but Cassandra was stronger than most ponies and was barely phased. Just as she approached the idol, the rock shelf collapsed, sending it hurtling down to the dark abyss. This would have caused lesser ponies and griffons to give up and go home, but Cassandra was determined. Being part batpony, Cassandra had sonar abilities that allowed her a rough idea of where the idol had landed in the darkness. Combining that with the detection magic she could do despite being a pegasus, Cassandra pinpointed the idol, and retrieved it. She emerged from the gorge triumphantly carrying the idol, the sun on her back, and every griffon in Griffonstone cheering for her.

“Griffons of Griffonstone,” announced Cassandra, “this lump of gold you worship will not make Griffonstone great again.” There was a shocked murmur throughout the crowd, but since Cassandra was the Element of Trust, they gave her the courtesy of waiting for the “but” before jumping to conclusions. “But I did find something in the canyon that will help. There is an unexplained source of infinite wind. Just now, I installed wind turbines to catch the wind and convert it to power. This will bring in money from all over Equestria, and allow Griffonstone to rebuild itself and thrive once again!”

The griffons started cheering again, and they cheered for so long that the story required a line break to accurately portray the passage of time.

Once the cheering had died down, Cassandra continued,

“Now griffons, we sadly have to return to Ponyville.” said Cassandra. There was a clamor of objection as the griffons experienced various stages of grief besides acceptance. “But I know you can get by without me, and here’s how: Anytime you’re faced with the choice between self-serving and helping out a griffon in need, I want you to think of me and my boundless generosity, that the even Element of Generosity herself looks up to.” Griffonstone became a prosperous nation, and a hundred-thousand years of peace followed between the griffons and ponies. Griffons and ponies alike truly were lucky to have Cassandra as a friend.

Chapter 68: The School (Part 1)

Twilight was reading books with her #1 assistant Spike and her #1 friend Cassandra, when she spoke up spontaneously.

"I want to open a school."

"That's great, sweetie," said Cassandra, "have you planned out the logistics?"

"Nope" said Twilight, "but I was hoping somepony who's smarter and prettier than me would be able to help."

"Oh all right, I'll do it," said Starlight from the next room.

"I didn't-" started Twilight

"We're happy for all the help we can get," cut in Cassandra.

Spike started flipping through his planner. "Between Rarity's chain of stores, Dash's Wonderbolts, and Applejack's life expectancy, I can't find a whole lot of days that work for everypony. How many times are we actually going to hold class?"

"Probably just once per season," confessed Twilight. Spike looked confused. "We'll have a class on the Summer Sun Celebration, then the Running of the Leaves, followed by Hearth's Warming Eve, and finishing with Winter Wrap Up," she clarified.

"Well I like this plan," said Starlight, "I'll call the rest of the girls together. This is awesome, I've always wanted to be a teacher-"

"You're the guidance counselor," said Twilight, "take it or leave me."

"Er, I think the expression is-"

"I don't ask a lot of you, bargain basement me, do I? You stay in the castle that Spike cleans, eat the delicious food that Spike prepares, sleep in the beds that Spike makes, read the books that Spike dusts, and all I ask in exchange is that you not upstage me on this project. But I won't stand in your way if you insist that you'd rather crash at Maud or Sunburst's place"

"Twily, take a breather," said Cassandra, "you're getting off on power again, and while admittedly that's better than getting off to Flash Sentry, a good headmistress needs a level head."

"And a mistress?" asked Twilight, hopefully.

"We'll talk later," said Cassandra.

The first step was to ask Princess Celestia for advice.

“It’s so wonderful to see my two most faithful students,” said Celestia, “when I heard you wanted to open a school and discuss it with me over cake, I was thrilled for the opportunity!”

“I categorically did not say there would be cake,” said Cassandra

“Oh. But there is cake somewhere, right?”

“I...suppose?” said Cassandra

“Well then. I have a very high-priority order of business to attend to, so I must bid you farewell. You two just wing it, you’ll be fine.” She was about to fly away when Twilight stopped her.

“Wait, Princess, how do we get accreditation?”

“You have to talk to Chancellor Neighsay.”

“Will you put in a good word for us?”

“Holy me, no, that guy scares me. Good luck!” She flew off towards Sugarcube Corner.

"Gee Neighsay, what are gonna to today?" asked Pinkie.

"The same thing we do every day, Pinkie," replied the severe chancellor, "criticize other ponies' schools with slightly racist overtones. Wait a minute, you don't belong in here, get out!" Pinkie shrugged and hopped away.

"Next pony!" said one of the council members.

A very nervous Twilight entered, cowering like Fluttershy, practically keeling over if not for the brave and beautiful Cassandra supporting her, in multiple senses of the word. She turned towards the intimidating council.

"H-h-h-h-h-h-h-hello...." she stuttered.

"It's ok, Twilight, show them the curriculum" said Cassandra helpfully. Twilight managed to pull herself together just long enough to float a copy of her presentation over to each of the councilponies.

"Indeed Miss Sparkle, this is seems pretty well put-together, but let me ask you this. Did you prepare a TL semicolon DR version for the televised viewing audience?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." said Twilight

"It's a school to teach all races about friendship." cut in Cassandra. The EEA nodded, impressed with Cassandra's words

"A school to teach everypony how to be more pony-like, and protect the pony way?" asked Naysayer. Twilight managed to stammer out an "mm-hmm" in agreement.

"Hey Twilight, does this guy seem a bit... off-message to you?" whispered Spike.

"You're imagining it" whispered Twilight back

"Twilight, come on, am I really the only one who-?"

"Spike, I think I would know if he was being intolerant, after all I have a dragon friend."

"A-hem!" cut in Naysayer, "As much as I delight in Miss Sparkle's rose-tinted social perspective, the EEA has several more applicants to glare at judgmentally today, so we will now give our verdict. Your application is adequate. It was brave of you, though a tad foolish, to insist on writing parts of it without Cassandra's help. However, because you have Cassandra with you, we will grant you provisional approval."

“I still don’t get why you can’t be a teacher, Cassandra,” said Rarity, “you would look simply Daaaarling in any of my schoolteacher outfits. I have some other schoolteacher outfits in the way back of my closet, but those are for you to wear later.” She winked as Cassandra.

“If you don’t want to be a teacher, I can give you the guidance counselor position,” said Twilight.

“Hey!” exclaimed Starlight.

“That’s very kind of you both," said Cassandra, "but if I were to teach a class here, my students would soon be too smart for any of you six to teach them. Also I can sometimes be...”

“Who’s that fine piece of flank?” said Smolder
“I’m shapeshifing into a horny changeling!” said Ocelus
“I play for both teams, and I don’t just mean land & sea” said Silverstream
“YONA IS HOT FOR TEACHER!” said Yona

“....distracting,” finished Cassandra

After days of things going smoothly under Cassandra's behind-the-scenes leadership, it was time to prepare for the inspection.

“Girls, I need you all on your best behavior,” said Twilight, “The EEA is visiting us today.”

“Oh crap!” exclaimed Pinkie, “I have to go, uh, flush something.”

“No Pinkie, the EEA,” said Rainbow Dash, “The Evil Equestrian Assholes.”

“That’s not...” began Twilight. The others gave her a quizzical look, “ok it is accurate, but girls, I need you to do everything by the book - they could shut us down if even the smallest thing goes wrong. Also, the families are coming too. Huh, in hindsight I probably should've spaced these things out”

“Well it’s a good thing nothing will go wrong,” beamed Starlight.

“But something would,” said Morgan Freeman in a voiceover.

INSPECTION DAY

"Spell apples" said Applejack

"A-P-P-L-E-S" said the class.

"Ugh, if y'all wanna tell jokes y'all can go on back to Miss Pie's class" said Applejack

"But isn't-?" started Sandbar.

"Next question! Take a gander at this here picture and tell me which one'a these fellas is right?"

"IT MATTER OF PERSPECTIVE!" said Yona

"It can change depending on how you look at it," said Gallus

“Sometimes a thing can actually be two different things,” said Silverstream.

"Gash dangit, Cassandra said ah had ta be patient, but yall're slower 'n Granny's extra-thick molasses in wintertime. The correct answer is that both of'em are wrong - it's a three." The students sat there with mouths agape, but before they could say anything the bell rang.

"Midnight already?" said Applejack, "Ah thought it was s'posed to be dark out. Well fine, ah'm tired of yall irredgardless, so class dismissed."

"Goodness, that lesson was a chore," said Silverstream, "At least, that's what I assume chores are like. I'm royalty."

"Cassandra explained to us that the ponies are stressed out by the upcoming EEA inspection, so it's understandable that the lessons haven't been as fun lately," said Smolder, "that being said, Applejack is in her own level of terribleness."

"That's right, Applejack is the source of everything wrong" said Sandbriar.

"We should cut class," said Gallus, "but how to escape?"

"I have an idea," said Ocellus. She transformed into Rarity, "now follow my lead, um, darlings." They moved stealthily toward the exit.

"Oh hi Rarity, where are you off to with those students?" said Fluttershy

"Oh darling, I'm taking them on a field trip to the lake, darling. Goodbye darling."

"This seems odd, but I'm too shy to confront a large group about it," said Fluttershy. "Have fun!"

The six of them had a great time bonding, and Ocellus turned into a bugbear. Unbeknownst to them, they were flying right overhead the EEA and the families, who looked up at the bugbear-changeling and screamed.

"What on earth is that hideous creature?" demanded Naysay

"Hey!" said Grandpa Gruff, "My Gallus might not be much of a looker, but there's no need for name-calling!" The students barreled into a tower smashing it and sending it dangerously towards the ground. Cassandra managed to save everypony’s life except Applejack, the shortcoming proving she’s not a Mary Sue.

“Miss Sparkle, explain yourself at once!” said Neighsay, “Cassandra made me not racist anymore, but there was still a long list of violations.”

“I have to come clean,” said Twilight, “Cassandra warned me about them and I didn’t listen.”

“You didn’t listen to Cassandra???” exclaimed Naysay, “your other mistakes were understandable, but that goes beyond the pale! I’m afraid I have no choice but to shut you down. School’s out.... forever!”

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter 69: The School (Part 2)

Previously on The Cassandra Chronicles.

“You gotta do the teaching by the book,” sang Twilight, “You know you can’t be lazy, also Naysay will shut our school down”

“Girls, bad news!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash. “I have no class!”

“News is supposed to be something we don’t already know, darling” said Rarity.

“Not that, I mean my students didn’t show up for class today!”

“They’re on a field trip,” said Fluttershy, “A few minutes ago, I saw the six of them, without Ocellus, but with a very suspicious-looking Rarity. Wait a minute, you don’t think....”

“Very true, ah rarely think,” said Applejack.

The crowd screamed and scattered as overhead, the six creatures barreled into the tower, sending it hurtling to the ground.

“Girls, look!” said Applejack, “Ah found the missing students!!!” Cassandra got everypony except Applejack out of the way of the falling debris in time.

“For disobeying Cassandra, there will be consequences,” said Naysay, “school’s out...”

“For summer?” asked Twilight hopefully

“Forever,” finished Naysay.

Twilight was depressed because her school was shut down, and shut herself out from everypony except her best and most loyal fried Cassandra.

“Do you have any ideas Cassandra? I know I can count on you when everypony else is unable to help in a difficult situation.

“We should bring those six students back together and keep teaching them, accreditation or no.” They sent for the students, only to discover that students were so distraught that they fled from their homes and went into hiding. The guardians were furious and began accusing each other

“YAK ACCUSES DRAGON!” said Prince Rutherford

“No offense, but only hoard things with value,” said Ember

“Um, that’s still offensive even though you said ‘no offense,” pointed out Thorax.

“Everything’s offensive these days!” ranted Grandpa Gruff, “anyway, have you looked under the sofa? Sometimes when I lose my glasses, they end up there.”

“You know, you Griffons are carnivores, and that Yona has a lot of meat on her, I’m just saying.” said Seaspray.

“YAKS HIGH IN SODIUM AND TASTE TERRIBLE!” said Rutherford

“Sodium is salt, which makes things taste better,” said Ember, “if he’s lying about culinary facts, what else is he lying about?” said Ember suspiciously. In the background, Cassandra, Twilight, and Princess Celestia looked on nervously.

“Twilight and Cassandra, you’d better find those students before this turns into a race war!”

“We’re on it, Princess,” said Twilight, “I assume you can use you diplomatic skills to calm these leaders down?”

“You would assume wrong,” said Celestia.

They called on the collective brainpower of the Mane 6 to figure out where the students went.

“Ah got an order fer apples to be delivered ta six creatures,” said Applejack, but since ah can’t read, ah dunno the address where they were sent.”

“An anonymous pony placed an order for one extra-large pillow, four medium pillows, and one whatever’s cheapest, she can shapeshift into any size,” said Rarity.

“Anon-a-miss?” asked Twilight. “It’s the Cutie Mark Crusaders, I knew it!”

“Hey, comic spoilers!” whined Pinkie, covering her ears.

“Isn’t that Sandbar over there?” observed Cassandra, using her level 99 observational skills, “I’d say he’s buying just enough cupcakes to feed four standard creatures, one creature who subsists mainly on a non-food source, and one creature that eats slightly less cake than Celestia on a daily basis.”

“Big whoop, ah can name ponies too,” said Applejack, “there’s Lyra, an’ Cheerilee, an’ Octavia.”

“I’m just gonna ignore that none of those were right,” said Cassandra, “because time is of the essence. These strange orders are perfectly descriptive of the missing students!”

Following the lead of Cassandra, who had Level 99 tracking skills, the Mane 7 made their way to the Castle of Two Sisters. But there was a problem, for at that very moment a prickle of perturbed puckwudgies performed a precision pummeling.

“Hey! They ripped off mah Sonic OC!” exclaimed Applejack.

“Applejack, those are very dangerous animals!” warned Cassandra.

“Ah’m gonna ignore yer advice.” She matched towards the pudgewuckles, “Hey you ugly band of walkin’ pincushions , consider yerselves served!” The pudgewuckles roared at Applejack and launched their spines, skewering her to death.

“We have to protect the students!” said Cassandra bravely. They split up and started rounding up the attackers. Cassandra caught 673, and the other five caught an average of 1.4667 each. Rainbow looked sad, but Cassandra reassured her “It’s not a contest, you won by using teamwork.”

“Thanks Cassandra, you’re awesome,” said Dash. The students also learned a good lesson from that.

"Can I blast them away with my party cannon?" begged Pinkie

"What do you think, Pinkie, is that an appropriate response to wild animals that were just defending their territory?" asked Cassandra. Pinkie stared at her vacantly. "It's not."

"Ohhhhh, said Pinkie, as well as Fluttershy because she liked to learn animal facts from Cassandra.

“Cassandra has inspired to reopen the school!” declared Twilight

They went back to the school, but when Twilight undid the seal, Naysay immediately teleported in, and he wasn’t happy.

“Who disturbed my seal?” he demanded, “I was in the middle of writing the 17th-century Buffalo Slaughter out of the EEA-approved history textbooks.” Twilight froze up and made that noise like Tina from Bob’s Burgers,

“Uhhhhhhhhhh.”

“I did it,” said Cassandra. “Your tyranny and intolerance have no place here at our school!”

“You mean former school,” snarked Naysay, “you don’t have an accreditation anymore.”

“Oh yes we do,” said Cassandra, “Twilight and her friends did such a good job that I’m giving this school the Cassandra Accreditation.

“No! You can’t!” exclaimed Naysay, “that supersedes the EEA verdict and basically makes my job pointless!”

“Then you’d better not make me use it too often.”

The school reopened and was wildly successful. They wanted to rename it the Cassandra School of Friendship, but she declined the title, she was humble like that. It was just one of many reasons they were lucky to have her as a friend.

Chapter 70: The Amusement Park (Equestria Girls Special)

Author's Note

This is an experiment, where I try writing the story immediately after watching the episode. It's not my usual style, but through the grace of Cassandra, all things are possible, so jot that down.

Chapter 70: The Amusement Park (Equestria Girls Special)

"This is so frustrating!" said Vignette Valenzia, "This park, and my models, need to be as beautiful as Cassandra!"

"Who?" asked her assistant.

"Honestly I have no idea, but 'beautiful as Cassandra' is an expression that everyone's using nowadays. Bring me a stress salad!" As she ate her salad she pondered "If only there was a real life filter." At that moment, a latent wisp of magic changed her phone into just that! She took a picture of her salad, only to see that it got sucked into her phone! She could now change it into other types of salad, but closer inspection revealed that it was just light. "I'll find a way to make this work."

The mane 8 were hanging around, with Applejack and Rarity awaiting responses on their job applications. They had applied to be caramel apple slingers. Rarity's letter came first, and sadly, she was rejected for being overqualified, but on the bright side, they wanted her to design costumes for the parade. Next, Applejack got a ping

"Hey Twilight, what does this say?" asked Applejack

"Let's see.... oh, I'm sorry Applejack, you didn't get the job either."

"Well horseapples, ah knew ah was overqualified too. Ah mean, the apples part is obvious, but ah guess ah have too much experience with caramel too - eatin' caramel, gettin' burned while makin' caramel, rejectin' Caramel's prom-posal and goin' with Braeburn."

"Ugh," said the gorgeous, wise, and bluntly honest Cassandra. "I'd say TMI but that would incorrectly imply that I'd ever need any amount of information from you, Applejack"

"I'm standing united with Applejack, I won't take the job if they don't want Applejack, said Rarity."

"No, said Cassandra firmly, "you're taking that job Rarity, it's I who will stand united. I was rejected from the costume designer job for being overqualified, and they offered me the CEO position, but I will sacrifice myself in your place." Once again, the Equestria Girls were bowled over by Cassandra's self-sacrifice.

"Boy howdy, ah should't'a quit mah job," said Applejack, "good thang it has high barriers ta entry so there ain't no way they could replace me already

Bulk Biceps was trying to make a smoothie, but he couldn't figure out the blender. He resorted to shaking it, splattering fruit juice all over himself.

"This is still an improvement," said the manager.

"I'm Vignette Valenzia and I run the PR department. I've recently gotten up to 1/100th as many followers as Cassandra on SnapGap." Everyone on SnapGap measured their followers that way.

"Wow," said Rarity, "and here I thought my 1/1000th was impressive."

"I know I am," said Vignette, "anyway, your job is to make costumes and they had better be good, or else..."

"Or else you'll be forced to make them yourself?" said Rarity worriedly,

"Well, no, I don't do manual labor, but let's pretend like that's a threat that lights a fire under you."

"My stars, I would hate for you to kick me off and make the costumes yourself," said Rarity

"Indeed. Oh, before I forget, no one's allowed to sit at this table. Even though my smartphone mysterious changed designs, I'm pretty sure the table is the source of magic."

The next day, they went to the amusement park, but Applejack decided to kill their buzz by mentioning that Rarity's job was hard.

"Isn't that why they pay her?" asked Twilight, "because she's giving them her time?"

"Nah, she's miserable, so miserable that she'd be better off standin' in solidarity with me by not takin' the job." Their attention was drawn to a large group of people posing for a photo with Vignette,

"Here's her feed," explained Fluttershy, "her pictures get almost 1/100th as many likes as the typical Cassandra picture."

"Ah dun get why anyone would spend this much time just to look good," said Applejack

"Well that's not surprising coming from you, Applejack, you don't spend any time trying to look good," said Fluttershy

"Her feed is the only one I follow besides Cassandra" said Rainbow

"Rainbow, I didn't know you were into fashion," said Fluttershy.

"I'm into an attractive woman with a photo stream of seductive pictures," clarified Rainbow. Applejack gasped,

"Don't tell me y'all're bisexual! Ah'm intolerant of bisexuals!" said Applejack.

"Applejack!" scolded Cassandra, "that is a very small-minded thing to say, even for you! One of your closest friends happens to be bisexual."

"Cassandra, you???"

"Yes, I am," said Cassandra

"Well ah suppose ah was wrong. Not all bisexuals are bad, in fact this might just be evidence that bisexuality is the best sexuality of all." Rainbow was about to make a counterpoint, but Cassandra held up a hand

"Let's just quit while we're ahead, Rainbow. I'll make you feel better later," said Cassandra. Rainbow smiled and agreed. Rarity arrived on break.

"There's our lead coordinator!" said Applejack going in for a hug, which Rarity politely declined. She was quickly joined by Vignette. "You know her?" asked Applejack quizzically.

"She's my best friend at the park!" said Rarity.

"Glower," said Applejack, "how dare she be friends with someone ah don't completely like." Rarity introduced Vignette to her firends but the obvious antagonist wasn't interested, until Rarity pointed out Cassandra.

"Cassandra? The Cassandra with 4 billion followers?? Does your curated content consistently aggregate across multiple platforms?" The 7 least-smart members of the Mane 8 looked confused

"What do all those big words mean?" asked Twilight

"Yes," said Cassandra knowingly to Vignette, "my content does exactly that."

"Then I shall make you the centerpiece! And your friends can be there too, because they're friends of Cassandra! BYBBC"

"Huh?" said Pinkie?

"Be Yourselves but Be Cassandra" said Cassandra

"Hah, that's easy," gloated Rainbow, "because that's already my mantra!" They all agreed to help, vehemently insisting that it was for more selfless reasons than just getting to spend time with Cassandra.

"BYBBC" said Vignette again before departing

"Rarity," said Applejack "ah have a question, when yall said one sentence that wasn't about affirmin' how much yall like me, did yall really mean that we aint freinds anymore an' yall're dumpin' us forever to hang out with V.V.?" To her credit, at least she admitted she couldn't pronounce Vignette Valenzia.

"Applejack, I know the plot is going to vindicate your bitchiness, but you're really being more unlikeable than usual," said Cassandra.

"Alright, ah guess ah can give all of y'all probationary permission to have fun."

Dash was trying to get Fluttershy to go on a really frightening rollercoaster, but the shy girl wouldn't have it. Instead, she wanted to go on a children's ride. Dash didn't want any part of that.

"I'll go with you Fluttershy," said Cassandra, "we can hold hands, and I'll put my arm around you to comfort you, I won't leave your side the entire time. And if you get really scared, you can cling to me and squeeze me as hard as you need, pressing our bodies together to make you feel good."

"WAIT!" said Rainbow, "I changed my mind, I'll go on whatever ride you want, Fluttershy."

Meanwhile, Rarity was trying and failing to make a costume with electric lights. It shorted out on her and started smoking. "H-hey, is it safe for me to keep wearing this, or should I take it off?" asked the model. Getting no response, he determined it was safe.

"Don't worry Rarity, I can fix this," said the wise, beautiful, and fashion-conscious Cassandra.

"Oh, my hero!" said Rarity, "I was going to need to scream into a pile of clothes, but now I don't thanks to Cassandra!"

Later, Vignette approached Fluttershy, asking her to dress up like a bat. When Fluttershy said no, Vignette sucked her into her phone!

"I wonder why I didn't do this to the obnoxious one that actually seemed like a threat to my plans?" she wondered. Meanwhile, the obnoxious one was disrupting Twilight and Sunset's attempts to do the ring-toss. Luckily, Cassandra was there to do it for them.

"Look y'all, Fluttershy's gone missing, ah think she's..."

"In Vingette's phone, which was turned into a magical phone a remnant of Equestrian magic, and I'm currently playing the long game, because unless she reaches the peak of evil & madness, we won't be able to strongarm her into learning a lesson, and this won't be exciting enough to warrant a TV special." said Cassandra without turning to look

"Whatever. Mah brain can't comprehend such a complicated idea. I'mma ignore yer advice an' resort to an immediate direct confrontation! She stormed off.

Elsewhere, Vignette approached Rarity with a ludicrous amount of last-minute changes, however she kept the light-up outfit that Cassandra had made exactly the same. Rarity was stressed out by that, and by Applejack not showing up for sound check.

"She's tolerable when she does as Cassandra says. She must've disregarded Cassandra's advice." As if on cue, Applejack burst in and, in accused Vignette right to her face.

"VV is makin' stuff disappear. Show me how ta use yer phone so ah can demonstrate for everyone!" As usual, Applejack made herself look dumb and came dangerously close to tipping of Vignette that someone smart (Cassandra) was onto her. After AJ and Rarity ran off, there were only three people left, and Vignette easily captured them. Rarity re-entered the room, and Vignette presented the SnapGap-based holograms to Rarity.

"Applejack is making more sense than you, and that's saying something!" exclaimed Rarity.

"Whatever, I'll just upload you too!" said Vignette. She fired her phone at Rarity, but when the light cleared, the fashionista still stood before her, and a much prettier and more talented fashionista was with her. "Cassandra! You were onto me this whole time? But how? You must've been playing some sort of long game so that I wouldn't know you were onto me!"

"I sure was, and I told Rarity to use her shield just now. Now let's get out of here, Rarity!"

Elsewhere, Applejack was moping. "If only ah'd done somethin' different... thought honestly ah did just aobut everythin' wrong. Ah miss Cassandra, an'the rest of mah friends to a lesser degree."

"No time for sobbing!" said Cassandra, "Applejack, Rarity, we don't have time for chin-wagging about feelings, we have to save our friends! Now, I've instructed Twilight on how to hack Vignette's Applecopter app to rout a VOIP connection to your IP address. You should be getting a phone call right about... now." Applejack's phone rang.

"Twilight?" said Applejack

"Applejack! Cassandra's level 99 hacking skills worked! Now, I need you to write a virus..."

"Applejack, just give me the phone," said Cassandra. She did exactly as Twilight instructed, which not only rescued her friends but shut down Vignette's phone just in case she decided to teleport an entire crowd before the Mane 8 could stop her. The raced to the scene, and confronted Vignette, who surrendered immediately in the face of their Equestrian forms and Cassandra's reprimand on why zapping people into your phone is wrong. Cassandra was merciful and agreed to start the reformation process in exchange for 3 sessions of practice kissing.

"I have 3 million followers, and no real friends" lamented the fallen villain, "how pathetic is that?"

"You've got one, if you want," said Rarity, reaching out. Vignette took her hand and smiled.

"Make that two," said Applejack.

"I'm good with one," said Vignette. Cassandra helped Rarity dress up like a chandelier, and then led them in a song that she had just wrote. The amusement park went on to quadruple its revenue after people learned that Cassandra was a regular. Once again they had learned that apart from friendship, Cassandra was the most precious thing in their life.

Chapter 71: The Kirin

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 2: The Broken Vase

The Mane 6 broke Cassandra's vase. "If she didn't forgive us, that would be the Worst. Possible. Thing." said Rarity. Fluttershy started crying. "I think I have a book on vase repair" said Twilight. "Reference to whatever's on the front page of KnowYourMeme" said Pinkie Pie. "The Wonderbolts will never accept me now" wailed Rainbow Dash.

"Konichiwa everypony" said Cassnadra. She was fluent in Japanese. "I just got back from helping Princess Celestia re-adjust the sun. It veered off course, and if I hadn't caught that, it would have barreled straight into the earth!"

"We broke your vase Cassandra" said Twilight "Is there any way we can make it up to you"

"I think so" said Cassandra. "Twilight, I want you to do my homework for the rest of the year. Pinkie Pie, I want you to give me free treats from Sugarcube Corner whenever I want. Rarity and Rainbow Dash, I want you to help me practice kissing." Cassandra was bisexual, which they learned to accept after she taught them a lesson about sexism, "And Applejack, you have to leave the gang forever."

Applejack looked sad, but she knew it was only fair. "I'm so glad you could forgive us, Cassandra" said Twilight. They all agreed they were lucky to have a friend like her.

Chapter 3: The Royal Wedding

It was a beautiful day for a Canterlot Wedding. The Mane Seven - less Twilight who was trappend in the cave - were standing at attention as bridesmaids to Cadence and Shining Armor. Cadence was actually Queen Chrysalis in disguise, unbeknownst to all of them... well most of them. The pastor said

"If anypony has any reason that these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your grace." Cassandra said,

"I've got your reason right HERE!" In an instant, she turned and smashed the impostor with her hind hooves. Chrysalis flew back and crashed through a stained glass window. Princess Celestia tried to hold the Changeling queen back, but it was hopeless and and she fell to the ground. The changelings came in and disguised themselves as ponies. But led by Cassandra's bravery they fought them back, and the Changeling army was defeated. The crowd cheered, they had saved Equestria, with Applejack as the only casualty. They weren't sure if they should hold the wedding given the circumstance. Then Twilight spoke up,
"We should go ahead as planned. Applejack wouldn't have wanted to be a buzzkill."
"Twilight!" chided Cassandra. She couldn't believe Twilight sometimes, that filly had all the book smarts in the world, but no idea how to behave in public. She had a point though. So they held the wedding and Cassandra sang "love is in bloom."

The following months were somber becuase they'd lost their friend, but at the same time unburdening because they didn't have to pretend to like Applejack's apple-flavored desserts anymore.

Chapter 9: The Author

People have been asking me if I stole from Red Dwarf in the last chapter and the answer is no, Cassandra’s neologism was completely my own original idea. However, after looking into the matter, I can see how you might make that mistake, and in light of that I’ve decided to scrap plans for my new OC, a subservient butler pony named Kryten (don’t steal).

Dashie was in the hospital recuperating from a broken wing. Her only solace was in the Daring Do books that she’d recently been introduced to. One day Cassandra came to visit her in the hospital with a gift. All the other ponies couldn’t be bothered to visit, but Cassandra found the time.

“Couldn’t you just use your magic to heal my wing?” asked Rainbow Dash

“I could” said Cassandra “but I gave up that power, among others, because the princesses were jealous of me. But look on the bright side, you get to learn firsthand why it’s bad to be reckless.”

“Hey speaking of reckless,” said Dash coyly, “My wing’s broken so I wouldn’t be able to get away if somepony tried to do something to me.”

“Another time, I have a headache,” replied Cassandra. That was a lie, Cassandra never got headaches, but it seemed preferable to telling Dash that her hospital gown was a huge turnoff and she hadn’t bathed in days.

“Anyway, I brought you a gift.” Cassandra handed Rainbow Dash a small package which she tore open excitedly. Inside was a hardcover book

“Daring Do and the Dangerous Desert??? AWESOME” screamed Rainbow Dash, realizing a second too late she’d blown her cover, “I mean uh, books are for eggheads.”

“You can drop the facade, Dash, I know” said Cassandra, “Check the inside cover.”

Inscribed in perfect cursive writing was a message from the author, “To my #1 fan Rainbow Dash, get well soon. Signed C.N. Ponysworth.”

“Oooh thankyouthankyouthankyou” exclaimed Rainbow Dash, “How on earth did you get this?”

“I have my ways” said Cassandra.

“So is this Ponysworth a friend of yours?”

“Sort of” said Cassandra

“But who is she? What’s her real name?”

“She’s a mare of many, many talents,” said Cassandra and she winked at the camera.

A week later Rainbow was discharged from the hospital. The doctors believed that Cassandra’s gift had raised her spirits, causing her wing to heal faster.

Chapter 10: The Secret

Rarity was moping around. Photo Finish had made Fluttershy into a fashion legend, and completely ignored Rarity, whose entire livelihood was making clothes. Finally, she resolved herself to get out of bed and tell the pony she trusted most about her troubles.

Cassandra and Twilight were sipping jasmine tea and chatting. It was only the finest tea in the world, Cassandra made sure of that. Twilight had a rather unsophisticated palate before the two of them met, but Cassandra had gotten her to stop eating junk food and prepackaged crap, and enjoy the finer things in life. Cassandra was in the midst of a funny story.

“...So I said, ‘if your talent is making snowflakes, then why is your cutie mark a flower?’ And she said, ‘you tell me, I can’t see the damn thing!’”
Twilight laughed, she loved Cassandra’s stories. After that, Rarity arrived.

“Ohayō gozaimasu, Rarity-chan” said Cassandra.

“Cassandra, can I confide in you?” asked Rarity.

“Well, I am the Element of Trust”

“Great. See, I have this problem with Fluttershy” said Rarity, “She took the spotlight away from me and I’m jealous because she’s a model and I’m a nopony in the fashion world.”

“Ah, jealousy” said Cassandra, “it’s made me many enemies. That’s the price of being Celestia’s long-lost sister and the only pony on the planet that can cast level 99 spells. Anyway, advice: you need to tell Fluttershy the truth. She hates being a model and wants to quit. In fact, she’s actually hoping you’ll give her a reason to.”

“GASP” said Rarity, “I’m surprised at you Cassandra! She gave you that secret to keep, and you blew her trust wide open?”

“What secret?” said Cassandra, “I figured that all out on my own, seriously Rarity, anypony with eyes and a brain could have.”

“You’re so gorgeous when you’re smart.” said Rarity seductively.

“Not now” said Cassandra “I have a headache.”

“Thank you for your advice” said Rarity, “and I believe the best course of action is to do the opposite.” She gave Cassandra a peck on the cheek and hurried out. Cassandra sighed, she thought she was immune to headaches, but stupidity was proving to be a real kryptonite.

*****

About three hours later Rarity returned to Cassandra’s house, her mane a tousled mess from stress and exhaustion.

“I do believe I have learned a lesson” she said, exasperatedly, “I should have trusted your advice. Let me make it up to you with some practice kissing.”
That was the first good idea she’d had all day.

Author's Note

Ten chapters! What a milestone! To celebrate I've got something special for next time.

Chapter 15: Assertiveness

Fluttershy was at the farmer’s market to buy food for Angel. But she was having difficulties with the other ponies, they were pushing in front of her and trying to swindle her out of her money.

“Why is everypony suddenly being rude?” she wondered aloud, “It’s so… uncharacteristic.”

Written by Merriweather Williams flashed on screen

“Ah” said Fluttershy. She decided to seek out her friends, they'd know what to do. Applejack would comfort her, Rainbow Dash would teach them some manners, and Twilight Sparkle would give her useful advice. Hopefully one of them was perusing the farmer’s market.

Her train of thought was interrupted by Rarity and Pinkie Pie.

“Oh, um, I guess you’ll do” she said, “how do I deal with bullying?”

“Seduction” said Rarity
“And trickery” added Pinkie Pie

They each took a turn showing Fluttershy how to deal with adverse situations. Then, they had Fluttershy try it out on buying a cherry. But she made the crucial mistake of saying that she was interested in buying the cherry, so the salesman made her pay 10 bits for it.

“HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!” A cyan-colored streak shot across the sky and came to a screeching halt in front of Fluttershy. It was the steadfast and beautiful Cassandra.

“Mister, do you want me to give you the list of ponies that my friends and I have driven out of town for being assholes? Or would like to give my friend here a gift and we’ll pretend nothing happened?”

“Please, please don’t hurt me Cassandra” whimpered the shopkeeper, “I didn’t know she was your friend, I swear… sure sure, take the cherry, please, I insist. Would you like a bag?”

“Yes” said Cassandra, “yes we would.”

The shopkeeper pulled a plastic bag out from the dispenser, and with lightning-fast reflexes, Cassandra snatched it out of his hooves and yanked it down over his head. The shopkeeper struggled and gasped for air. He tried to wrench Cassandra’s hooves off of his neck, but to no avail, Cassandra was too strong. His face began to turn blue and his eyes bulged.

“How much for air?” she quipped, “Ten bits?”

He nodded his head frantically.

“What’s that you say?” asked Cassandra mockingly, “You need it really badly? In that case 20 bits! That sound fair to you Fluttershy?”

“I am blown away by your generosity” she replied.

Cassandra loosened her grip and allowed the shopkeeper to rip the bag off his head. He hurriedly counted out the bits and stacked them neatly on the counter next to the cherry.

“Give us the rest of the bags too.” said Cassandra.

*****

Fluttershy and Cassandra went back to the cottage. They’d managed to ditch Pinkie Pie and Rarity. Angel was waiting for Fluttershy, looking pretty pissed off that she made him wait.

“Oh no” whimpered Fluttershy, “if I don’t feed Angel soon, he might starve!”

“Are you serious?” said Cassandra, “he’s an animal, he’ll eat when he’s hungry.”

“But he wouldn’t eat anything besides the special salad.”

“Somehow I think he’ll compromise his culinary standards before he starves to death."

“But I don’t want him to be sad” whined Fluttershy

Cassandra sighed heavily. “Fine, you want him to be happy, I’ll make him happy.” She leaned in real close to Angel Bunny, and said in a harsh whisper,

“You know little guy, it’s not just you that Fluttershy has to feed, it’s all the animals. And that includes the foxes, the wolves, and the birds of prey. You want something to be happy about? Be happy that you haven’t yet pushed her too far.”

Angel’s eyes went as wide as dinner plates, and he scuttled over to Fluttershy, rubbing against her hooves and making shrill crying noises. He never bullied her again.

*****

The next day, Fluttershy and Cassandra went to Iron Will’s seminar. Iron Will plucked Fluttershy out of the crowd, brought her on stage, and taught her what to do when a fainting goat blocked her path. Then he told the crowd,

“If Iron Will can turn this little pony assertive, he can help anypony! And Iron Will is so sure that he’ll give you a full money back guarantee if you aren’t completely satisfied!”

“Excuse me” Cassandra piped up from the crowd, “I have two concerns”

“Iron Will will address one concern”

“Two” said Cassandra

“One, and don’t try to trick Iron Will by saying ‘one’ he’s too smart for that.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it. Two.”

“One.”

“Two.”

“One.”

“Three.”

“Two. Damn it!”

“Right, now that we’ve got that out of the way. First concern, do you know what happened to the last stage performer that spoke in the third person and got too uppity?”

“Iron Will does not.”

She whispered something in his ear, and his face went green. He retreated off stage and hurled out his guts for about five minutes. When he came back, he was pale and shaking.

“Pan have mercy, was she all right?” he stammered

“The rusty screwdriver will probably come out on its own,” assured Cassandra “but anyways, second concern, the money back guarantee.”

“What of it?” said Iron Will

“Have you ever given anypony a refund?”

“Of course not!” he said haughtily

“That’s what I thought, this is a Catch-22 isn’t it? If a pony is unsatisfied with the training she wants to get a refund. But to ask for the refund, she has to confront this gigantic bull-goat monstrosity...”

“That hurts Iron Will’s feelings.”

“...and then you point out that she’d have to be pretty assertive to demand a refund, and therefore your training must have worked, so you don’t owe her a cent.”

“Please don’t spill the beans on Iron Will’s operation!” he begged, “Iron Will will be ruined! Iron Will won’t be able to feed his goats!”

“You can go peddle to the griffins and dragons, but if I ever see you in pony territory again, I’ll make you change your name to Iron Steer. And I WILL find out if you come back, because I’m the princess’s long lost sister. Are we going to have any more problems?”

“No m’am!” whimpered Iron Will and he scurried away.

“What did you learn today, Fluttershy?” asked Cassandra

“That I need to be more assertive.”

“Good girl.”

*****

Fluttershy was trying to cross a bridge, but it was blocked by two earth ponies telling a racist joke. Fluttershy could have just flown over them, but it was the principle of the matter. She kicked their carts and spilled garbage all over them.

“FLUTTERSHY!” yelled Cassandra, “What do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m being assertive just like you taught me.” said Fluttershy proudly.

Cassandra shook her head, “No Fluttershy” she said, “it’s good to be assertive but being a bully is wrong.”

“Oh, my…” tears began to well up in Fluttershy’s eyes, “what have I become??? I’m a monster!”

“There there” said Cassandra, “as long as you learned a lesson, it’s all right in the end. Four sessions of practice kissing, and you’ll be forgiven.”

“Thanks Cassandra” said Fluttershy. She was lucky to have Cassandra as a friend.

Chapter 21: When Twilight Met Cassandra, Part 2

The Summer Sun celebration was underway, and it wasn’t going well. The guests were tired of eating apple flavored pastries, but they were too polite to hurt Applejack’s feelings. However, things started looking up when some literally divine intervention gave them an excuse to get out of there and go get some real food. Nightmare Moon had just crashed the party and declared herself the new ruler of Equestria.

“We need to assemble a team of ponies with attitude!” cried the Mayor

“Ooh ooh! Pick me!” yelled out Pinkie Pie

“You want attitude, it’s gotta be me!” declared Rainbow Dash

“Braeburn just loves a mare in uniform” gushed Applejack

“Or, I could just handle this myself” interjected Cassandra.

“Do you think we could tag along anyway?” asked Twilight, “what better way to learn than to shadow a pony as beautiful and wise as yourself?” Cassandra was immune to that kind of flattery, but she admired Twilight’s determination

“Alright, you can come” said Cassandra. The other six beamed with excitement.

*****

The Mane 7 journeyed deep into the Everfree Forest. It became progressively darker as they went.

“I know a fun game to pass the time” said Pinkie Pie, “It’s called ‘Things You’re Intolerant Of!’”

“How does it work?” asked Twilight, who had always been too busy with the books to learn games

“You just say things you’re intolerant of,” replied Pinkie Pie, “like this… I’m intolerant of rocks. They’re boooooring!”

“Oh, I get it!” said Twilight excitedly, “I’m intolerant of snakes. They scare me, and some of them are poisonous. What about you Cassandra?”

“Bullying” she replied, “I have a zero-tolerance policy for it.”

“I’m intolerant of dirt” said Rarity, “It’s the natural enemy of dresses. Incidentally, if anypony’s interested, I’m at about a 4 out of 10 in terms of comfort level.”

“Ah’m intolerant of bisexuals,” said Applejack, “they’re weird.”

“Here here” said everypony except Cassandra.

“Hold on just a minute!” said Cassandra, “It’s not right to discriminate against ponies based on their sexual orientation.”

“We’re sorry Cassandra” said the other 6. They resolved to be more tolerant in the future.

“Twilight, why don’t you write Princess Celestia every time you learn something” suggested Cassandra.

“That’s a great idea, I will.” said Twilight.

“And I have something to tell you all,” continued Cassandra, I.. am bisexual.” Collective gasp.

“What’s it like to kiss a mare?” asked Rarity

“I… don’t know” said Cassandra ashamedly, “I never have.”

“I could help you practice kissing” said Rarity, “I shall be your canvas on which to hone your art.”

“Count me in too!” said Rainbow Dash excitedly.

“I… I want to help too, Cassandra” said Fluttershy timidly

“That’s so kind of you!” said Cassandra with a beautiful smile, “I love what you’ve done with your mane, by the way.” Fluttershy swooned, nearly passing out.

“Ah’ll help ya too, sugarcube!” declared Applejack.

“Thanks” said Cassandra flatly, “but three is about all I can handle.” That was a lie, but this wasn’t the time or place to express all the repugnance she felt at the thought of kissing the apple pony.

Suddenly, the ground collapsed underneath the Mane 7’s feet, and they found themselves in the midst of a landslide. Most of them jumped out of the way, but Twilight found herself on the edge of a cliff. Applejack grabbed her hooves and said,

“Let go of mah hooves.”

“What? Why?” said a bewildered Twilight,

“Because ah told ya to and ah always tell th’ truth.”

“That’s a terrible reason!” shouted Twilight.

“Twilight!” yelled Cassandra, “Fluttershy and Dash are directly below you, and they’ll catch you as soon as you let go”

“Well why didn’t you just say so?” yelled Twilight, chagrined. She dropped down and let the duo of pegasi catch her.

“Well shucks Cassandra, what’d ya do that for?” whined Applejack, “Ah was tryin’ to demonstrate mah honesty.”

“Honesty means nothing unless you have her trust. Which you don’t.”

*****

Next, they came upon and angry manticore. They tried to fight it, but were swatted away. Cassandra, who preferred nonviolent methods, intervened quickly,

“Manticore!” she yelled, “If you let my friends and I pass by, I’ll teach you how to kill more efficiently. Deal?”

The manticore nodded, so Cassandra continued,

“Use the sharp part of your tail. Here, why don’t you try it out on the orange pony?”

Applejack’s face lit up at the prospect of doing something useful.

“It’s ok” said the manticore, “I trust you. Be on your way now.”

As they neared the castle, they faced many more perils. First they came to a forest of scary trees, which Cassandra disposed of with a chainsaw. Next Steven Magnet’s moustache fell off so Casssandra fixed it with the moustache growing spell. And finally, a team of Shadowbolts tried to lead Rainbow Dash astray, but Cassandra roundhouse kicked them until they ran away crying. Rainbow Dash was so grateful, she agreed to do some practice kissing later.

Finally, they arrived at Nightmare Moon’s castle.

“Stay back, It’s dangerous in here” said Cassandra, but her words were ignored.

“Look! Those stone spheres have symbols just like our cutie marks!” exclaimed Twilight, “These must be the elements of harmony!”

“ FOOLS!” shouted Nightmare Moon, materializing from dark blue smoke, “You thought you could beat me! Now you shall pay for your defiance!”

She stomped her hooves and the spheres shattered into pieces. Then she drew in dark energy and blasted the seven ponies with a deadly lunar beam. They leapt out of the way and ducked behind some rubble, but Applejack was clumsy and tripped over her own hooves. She slammed into the ground moments before the beam hit her full force. There was a loud POP and a bright flash, and when the light cleared, a slightly charred floor tile was all that remained where Applejack stood.

“That’s enough, sister!” yelled Cassandra. She leapt out, somersaulted in midair, and landed on the ground in a fighting pose. Her eyes began to glow white, and the room began to glow too. Twilight and friends felt the weight of the jewelry as it suddenly materialized onto them; a tiara for twilight, necklaces for the other 4, and a golden suit of armor encrusted with jewels for Cassandra. A rainbow ribbon made of mystical light encircled Nightmare Moon, draining the evil and malice out of her.

"I can't believe you saved all of Equestria" said Twilight

"Well that's just one of the perks of being a princess, I stepped down from the throne because I was too powerful, but I still have all my powers" said Cassandra, "For I am the seventh element of Harmony, Trust."

"I understand," said Twilight, "I should have trusted that you could save Equestria, thank you for teaching me this lesson. You should hang out with us and go on our adventures."
“It would be my honor” said Cassandra.

And so, Equestria was saved. Luna regained her place at the throne, and Twilight decided that staying in Ponyville was worth it after all.

“You know what this calls for?” said Pinkie, “A party!”

So they had their party, with real food this time, and Celestia said,

“Let us raise a glass to savior of Ponyville, and the world, Cassandra”

The crowd cheered,

“And let us also give toast to Applejack,” said Cassandra, “who distracted Nightmare Moon long enough for me to charge up my spell”

“As long as we’re not toasting with apple cider!” declared Twilight. They all laughed.

Cassandra makes the Breezies episode better

"Pinkie, did you bring the episode script I asked for?" said Cassandra

"Yuppy duppy!" said Pinkie, handing it over.

"Ah dun see what th' big deal is" said Applejack, "ah thought it was a great episode, almost as good as mah two other favorite shows, Jersey Shore and The Big Bang Theory."

The others were dubious before, but now they understood Cassandra's concern.

"So what is this new device you wanted to show us?" asked Twilight curiously.

"This," said Cassandra, "is called a paper shredder." She took hte episode script and fed it through. WIth a shrill grinding noise, the episode script was no more.

"But what do we do about the Breezies?" asked Fluttershy, "without them, who will eat twice their weight in food and contribute nothing to our society?"

"Parasprites" replied Cassandra.

"Oh that's a relief" said Fluttershy.

"But your concern is admirable" said Cassandra, "and for your kindness, I grant you this flower." She pulled out a perfectly formed decadent rose, colored gold and sparkling with a rainbow to end all rainbows, the triple rainbow. Instantly the ponies knew that as long as Cassandra was around, everything would be just fine.

Chapter 65: The Premiere [Equestria Girls Specials, Part 3]

Juniper Montage was not having a good time. Thinking about her nemesis Cassandra who defeated her made her angry but also kind of aroused, and now she had to work at the mall theater where the meddling & sexy Cassandra’s music video was constantly playing.

“Junior Mintbox, we need you over here at the concession stand!” came the manager over the walkie-talkie. Juniper ignored him, and instead went to Mirrors & Sunglasses which was a kiosk directly across from Quills & Sofas. There, she spotted a magic mirror.

“If I pay for this, then my karma will be neutral again. If I let him keep the change, I’ll have positive karma, so I can kill the pesky attractive Cassandra and her friends!”

“I can’t wait for our movie premiere tonight!” said Rainbow Dash

“We’re just bit parts though” said Applejack

“But we’re on the poster, somehow” said Rarity.

Meanwhile, Sunset Shimmer was out of pages in her diary. “Oh alas, oh woe! This is sure to be the beginning of a dramatic tale of I and Twilight coming to terms with losing our only method of communication! Oh tragedy, oh pineapple pizza, I’ll nev-” she stopped upon noticing that Princess Twilight had written another message

“Come by my place and get a new diary.”

“That works too.”

Upon entering the pony world, Sunset instantly forgot she was a magical quadruped. She stumbled backwards into the books and hit her head. Two figures stood above her looking concerned. One looked like a cheap copy of someone she knew, but the other she recognized as the distinguished and irreplicable Cassandra.

“Cassandra...I must've hit my head pretty hard, because you look even hotter in pony form.”

“No babe, my level 99 neurology skills say your head is just fine.”

“You sure about that? Because I’m hallucinating that there’s a Twilight clone right next to you.” Cassandra generously decided to forgive Sunset Shimmer for doubting her - she was disoriented after all.

“I’m Starlight Glimmer, Twilight’s reformed student. I also helped her make the new diary for you. I taught myself a book-duplication spell, because I don’t believe in intellectual property. Ow!” Cassandra had pinched her.

“I do that every time she relapses it back to her equality-obsessed ways,” explained Cassandra

“There are worse ways to be punished,” conceded Starlight.

“Well, as long as she stays in her universe and I stay in mine, we shouldn’t have a prob-”

“I wanna go to the human world!” said Starlight. Sunset was uneasy but Cassandra said,

“I’ll chaperone her so she doesn’t make any trouble. You can trust me, I’m the element of Trust.” That made Sunset feel better. The three of them stepped through the portal and into the human world.

“Hey Janitor Mop-up!” said the theater manager

“For the last time, that’s not my name!”

“Well it should be, because I need you to go clean up a popcorn spill!” Juniper reluctantly went over, and wished that the popcorn would pick itself up. To her surprise, it did! Later, she tried it in front of two customers, but couldn’t get it to work.

“What exactly did you say to get it work?” suggested one, “maybe you have to say it verbatim, General Moustache.”

“Shut up,” said Juniper, “that can’t be it.” Not long after, Twilight and her friends came to the theater for the big premiere. “You six again?! And you couldn’t even be bothered to bring Cassandra with you?? This is just the worst, I wish you all would disappear!” To her shock, they all got sucked into the magic mirror.

Elsewhere, Starlight, Cassandra and Sunset were touring the mall.

“So I’ve had this body for all of 6 minutes, but I already feel like Cassandra’s is superior,” noted Starlight.

“That’s why you’re a genius,” said Cassandra, taking a lick of Starlight’s cone.

“Say, don’t they have ice cream in Equestria?” asked Sunset

“Yeah, but not like this. Blueberries that are really blue, wintergreen that’s vividly green, and strawberries that taste sweet! What magic is this?”

“Artificial-” began Sunset.

“Advanced magic” cut in Cassandra. She whispered to Sunset, “honesty is the least important element.”

“Hey, isn’t that Judicator Monserrat?” said Sunset, pointing to the concessions stand.

“Who’s Julia Mosspatch?” said Starlight

“That’s Jewelry-freak Mamba.” replied Sunset, “she tried to sabotage the movie when she was jealous of Cassandra. Luckily, we parted on good terms.” She went up to the concessions stand. “Hey Juvenile Motto, have you seen our friends?”

“Why don’t you see for yourself!!! I wish you were in the mirror!”

Sunset was sucked into the mirror and fell onto her friends.

“Sunset!”

“What are we going to do??” exclaimed Sunset

“Wait around for Cassandra to save us?” suggested Rainbow Dash.

“That’s… probably what’s going to happen,” admitted Twilight.

“Anyone got ideas to entertain us in the meantime?” said Pinkie.

“If only Cassandra were here to help pass the time while we waited for Cassandra to rescue us,” said Rarity. The others agreed.

With all the geodes inside, Juniper gained new powers and increased in height!

“She’s a gigantic monster!” exclaimed Starlight,

“For the last time, it’s Juniper Montage!!!!” said Juniper. She then noticed that she’d grown significantly in size “But point taken.”

She went outside and into a crowd of people, whom she thought were her adoring fans.

“Aaah! A strapless dress!” cried one bystander, dumbfounding Juniper.

“Er what? That’s the thing that scares you? Not that I’m two stories tall now?”

“Well, you’re not even as tall as one and a half Celestias… but all the demon-girls wear strapless dresses! Have a look at this... what's the word for a series of images? Nevermind just look!"

From their hiding place, Starlight whispered to Cassandra,

“We have to convince her to let our friends go.”

“I have a better idea,” said Cassandra. She used a flying kick to get the mirror away from Juniper. “I’ve seen this before.” She removed the gem at the back of the mirror.

“So then the doctor says, Ah have good news an’ bad news. Th’ good news is ya have chlamydia. Th’ bad news is, ya have an STD… huh, ah prolly shoulda said that th’ other way around. Anyway, that was mah Friday,” finished Applejack. The others looked at her with a mixture of shock and disgust. The crevasses forming in the ground were looking increasingly attractive to jump into.

“Look! A portal’s opening!” said Fluttershy.

“And not a moment too soon!” added Twilight. They all got sucked through, and came out safe and sound, except Applejack, who slipped on some ice cream and died. They all hugged Cassandra and Starlight - Cassandra generously not correcting their misconception that it was a joint effort.

"Juniper, are you sorry for what you did?" asked Dash.

"I guess so," said Juniper

"Then Juniper Montage, I officially declare you reformed!" said Pinkie. She threw some streamers and party-poppers for emphasis.

"Well thanks, but why couldn't you do after I tried to sabotage the film set?"

"Because that was just a misdemeanor, and for that you get elevated to sworn enemy. You have to commit a felony before you get to be reformed," explained Twilight.

"Well, I have thoughts on that, but I'm in no position to share them" said Juniper.

"Friends, sadly this is goodbye," said Starlight, "We know not if your paths will cross again..."

"Um, can't you use the portal to come back anytime you want?" asked Fluttershy. Starlight continued as if she hadn't heard.

"Weep not, for I leave you with a song to remember me by. This is an adaptation of a song from "Red Dwarf" And a one, and a two..." A band nearby began playing a march anthem (source material).

"If there's an exam she is sure to pass, she's wise and heroic with lots of class, without her you'd still be in a looking glass,"

A troupe of extras marched out wearing the same outfit as Starlight and sang the chorus,

"She's Starlight, Starlight, Starlight Glimmer, without her things would be much grimmer, she's so bright that the sun looks dimmer, she eats ice cream and stays slimmer.

"She's Starlight, Starlight, Starlight Glimmer, you're burnt toast, she's a five-course dinner, she makes experts look like beginners, she's as trendy as a fidget spinner."

"Starlight, how long is this song?" cut in Sunset.

"She came to a world that she barely knew, she risked her very life to save all of you, so listening politely is the least you can do."

"She's Starlight, Starlight, Starlight Glimmer, she's smarter and hotter than Sunset Shimmer, from California to East Timor, everypony loves Starlight Glimmer." They ended with a freeze-frame pose. The other looked on, completely unable to even.

“Cassandra, they’re so enchanted that they can’t even clap!” gushed Starlight.

“Yeah, that’s probably what it is,” replied Cassandra.

“You know, I think I’ve come around to your philosophy that absence makes the heart grow stronger,” said Sunset.

“Oh, I already know I’m great at forcing my views on other ponies,” said Starlight.

“Cassandra, hurry back soon!” said Rarity, “but not you, Starlight”

“You’re too kind!” blushed Starlight. Cassandra pulled her through the portal before Rarity could clarify.