How to Train Your Draconequus

by Hairball99

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 7525

A few weeks before the events of Equestria Girls, Discord is sent through the Magic Mirror, where he becomes trapped in Flash Sentry's body. Stripped of his powers, the journey of Discord's life ensues...

A day after Discord's reformation in "Keep Calm and Flutter On," Princess Luna and Princess Celestia send Discord through the Magic Mirror to the human world depicted in Equestria Girls in an attempt to further his understanding of friendship. There, Discord becomes trapped in the body of Flash Sentry, and learns more about this 'friendship' than he ever needed to know.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-06 15:23:34 UTC

Prologue

Twilight looked up. Tears of desperation fogged her vision, blurring the floating demon-like Sunset Shimmer as she levitated just feet away from her head. The corrupted Element of Harmony she wore radiated a sickly dark light into the Friday afternoon, and Twilight inwardly shuddered at the power Sunset Shimmer could now command. But suddenly, out of nowhere, a steely resolve overtook her, and as she gripped her friends’ hands tightly, she could feel a familiar tingle spread across her body. Yes, Sunset Shimmer had the Element of Harmony, but she couldn’t command the Power of Friendship the way Twilight could. Maybe, just maybe, it would be enough to stop her.

Barf. Can you even imagine anything sappier? Why is “the Power of Friendship” capitalized? Do we really need to emphasize its power even more? And what’s with the lack of detail here? This completely fails to mention how a) the entire school had just been enslaved by a powerful dark magic, b) that if Rainbow Dash had just jumped and taken the Element off Sunset Shimmer’s head, the whole thing would have finished a lot quicker, and c) that the monster bore a striking resemblance to Lindsay Lohan. It’s the little details that count.

Then there’s the minor issue that the previous account is utterly untrue. Yes, I suppose it was ultimately the Elements of Villain Reforming that did Sunset Shimmer in, but that whole bit where Twilight and her friends become invincible because of their friendship? Complete fabrication. Doesn’t even come close to ringing true.

But before we get with the real story, you’re probably wondering what’s going on here. The author starts off with some normal-enough sounding retelling of Equestria Girls, but then digresses into vicious self-criticism and forced attempts at humor? And then goes and altogether and addresses the reader? Who’s even narrating this anyway?

I am. Discord. Nice to meet you. Kind of. Ish. I liked you better before you started questioning whether this sounds like Discord is writing this (which is plainly ridiculous because I’m Discord), or how it doesn’t make sense how Discord would talk about a movie called Equestria Girls, because he’s a character in the show and so how would he know about it.

The full explanation would fry your little human minds, so suffice it to say that my chaotic talents aren’t just limited to the world of Equestria or anything; I can wreck havoc on anyone, anytime. So don’t be so accusatory about the logic of me breaking the fourth wall and talking to you about the Equestria Girls movie, because I have seceded from logic. So if you're going to insist on being nitpicky about how it doesn't make sense that I'm talking to you or whatever, leave now, because it's not going to get any better.

But don’t actually leave now. This is an interesting story.

Reformation, Celestia Style

Before you humans open this on your little reading machines, you should know a few things about the following story. One, I, Discord, am about to blow your mind, so hold on tight. And consider grabbing a spare pair of pants. They wouldn't be the first casualty of this piece.

Two, that since my thoughts are simply too abundant to be written all here, I've used footnotes to convey my ideas that wouldn't fit in the story. Whenever you see a bolded-out number, be sure to scroll down to the bottom of the page to find the corresponding number. To make this easier, you can use "Control + F" or "Command + F", type the footnote number, and link down to the footnote below.

That is all. Enjoy the story.

CHAPTER ONE

        Celestia’s generally a pretty lax pony. I mean, sure, she can be a more than a little lackluster when it comes to being interesting, and she’s usually less fun than being encased in a stone statue from years on end {1}, but at least she’s one of the warmer, more forgiving rulers out there. She forgave her sister after she betrayed her, she forgave Fluttershy for stealing her phoenix, and she forgave Rainbow Dash and that apple pony after they fought with each other during the Running of the Leaves ceremony.

But forgive innocent little me? Nope.

Celestia had brought me to Canterlot’s tallest tower, had magically sealed the door with several different kinds of locks, and had all of the Royal Guard strategically positioned at various points throughout the castle.

It was a frosty reception, to say the least. So as Celestia was finishing her spell, I finally broke the silence.

“Celestia, Celestia, all these precautions you’re putting on this visit. Could it be you don’t trust me? I thought friends trusted each other.”

Celestia remained unmoved. “Discord, we are not friends. And you’ve done very little to win my trust back since our last encounter. You’ve completely turned Equestrian customs upside-down in the past, and— Discord?”

I had retired to lying inside one of the Crystal Empire-painted windows. “My dear ‘Tia, you’re so dull. If this is going to go on much longer, just turn me back into a rock and unfreeze me in another thousand years. I’m sure I wouldn’t miss anything important from you.” {2}

Celestia frowned. “There’s no need to be disrespectful. Discord, I know that your talents could be used for the good of Equestria, but I know that I can trust you first. Which is why I’m offering you the option of — Discord! That’s a painting of my sister! That’s unsanitary!”

“Oh please, don’t lecture me on unsanitary. Remember the Birthday Cake incident? As I recall, it took you years for you to get that out of your mane, and – ow!”

Out of nowhere, there was a flash of blue light, and I was instantly shot from the painting and to the floor, violently turned back into my normal form. In strode Princess Luna. “Listen to my sister,” she urged.

Dammit, I screwed up the story. Sorry. I’m not really used to telling stories the linear way that you humans like them. I should probably give you the complete beginning here first.

It all started the day after Fluttershy and her friends ‘reformed’ me. You remember the episode: everyone’s hands-down favorite villain learns the power of friendship and ceases to be as chaotic and overall fantastic as he once was, etcetera etcetera. I’m sure you bronies all have your own different opinions on the events that transpired, ranging from “Discord didn’t really change his ways, he just became aware of the magic of friendship” {3}, all the way to “Discord is a completely watered-down villain who’s lost all of his character appeal.” {4} But either way, I busted my ass experiencing the lesson, you sat on your ass watching the episode documentary, everyone’s happy. {5}

                So there I am leaving Ponyville. Fluttershy had just gotten me to say “Friendship is magic”, and I was leaving with the promise of a new future glimmering in front of me. Celestia was finally trusting me, I finally saw how nice it was to have friends for a change, and Fluttershy’s friends were respecting her all the more. It seemed like a great day.

                Cut to me convulsing on the floor, because a certain lunar Princess can’t handle a few interruptions. “Ow! You know Alicorn magic has quite a sting to it, don’t you?”

Luna looked pissed. “I don’t take magic tips from uncivilized abominations such as yourself. Your actions have been little more than some teenager colt’s rebellion against his parents in our royal eyes.”

I snorted, and then took out my eyes and rolled them on the floor for dramatic effect. “You’re one to talk about uncivilized, Nightmare Moon. It takes a lot of guts to try to take over Equestria, fail miserably, try again a thousand years later, fail again, and then come sniveling back to big sis’s side. Pathetic.”

“Enough!” Celestia tried to break in, but Luna was fired up now. “You talk a large game for someone who’s so susceptible to Alicorn magic, vile creature.” With some dismay I noted her horn was beginning to smoke. “You don’t want to see how much we’ve improved since the first time we imprisoned you.”

I summoned ten extra hands, and stuck up the middle finger on all ten. “I’d love to, Luna.”

“Enough!” Celestia shouted, and for the second time that day I was violently thrown against the ground. On the other side of the room, I could see Luna similarly pinned {6}. “Discord, this is your last chance. I am offering you an opportunity for you to prove I can trust you. Are you game?”

I sighed. She had me backed into a corner here. “Alright, Celestia. I comply. What do you have in mind?”

From across the room, I could see a sadistic little smirk creep its way across Luna’s face. “I’ve found an oddity in the Crystal Empire,” Celestia continued. “It’s a mirror that doubles as a portal to another world. And I have absolutely no idea what lies inside there.”

I didn’t like where this was going, and I started all biting the nails on my ten additional hands. “So you’re saying that you want me to polish that mirror?”

Celestia smiled {7} .“You know full well what I’m getting at here, Discord. I want you to explore that world for me, and report back what you find. What’s more, I don’t want you using any of your powers. From the little I know about this place, it’s that the ponies within don’t use any sort of magic, and so using it would have an absolutely catastrophic impact.”

Needless to say, I was dismayed about this, and for more reasons than one. Parting with my magic was bad enough, but I also didn’t want to leave my friends in Ponyville at such a critical stage.

Well, friend, to be more honest with myself. Fluttershy was the only one who had really stood up for me; yes, the others hadn’t been outright hostile, but they weren’t particularly willing to befriend me like Fluttershy had, either. Rainbow Dash, in particular, was rather distrusting, and before my ‘reformation’ she had shot me quite a few death stares {8} from across the table at our little dinner party. And as much as I want to blame her for not trusting me, she does have a point. It’s not like I’ve had a great relationship with her the last few times I’ve seen her.

Still, I figured I had something to work with there. “What about my friends, in Ponyville? Shouldn’t I be out trying to interact and explore, erm, the magic of friendship? Or whatever?”

Celestia chuckled {9}. “With all respect, Discord, assimilating into Ponyville is going to be a challenge for you. You’ve turned the lives of the townspeople upside-down in the past, and you have to realize that they are not going to immediately trust you. Especially with the little you know about friendship.” She paused, and then strode towards me. “That’s the real reason I want to send you on this mission, Discord. More than exploration, more than reconnaissance, the real thing I want out of this is you to learn what friendship is. And this alternate world, surrounding by ponies who have heard nothing about your… past deeds, will be the perfect place for you to learn what it truly is.”

As drab as her little speech was, Celestia had a point there. Princess Luna still hadn’t fully made her way back into society yet; some ponies still quaked at her slightest hoofstep. A land where nobody had heard of the Master of Chaos, no lives had been ruined, nobody had hated me.

“Alright, Celestia, you got me. Send me in there.”

Celestia nodded. “Very well. We shall travel to the Crystal Empire tonight, before the preparations for the Equestrian Games begin. Let us make haste.”

“Please, allow me,” I mock bowed, then snapped my fingers. An etching of my face appeared into the carpet beneath us, and the rug began to rise into the air. “Ladies, Gentlemen, Princess Luna,” it spoke. “Where may I take you today?”

“The Crystal Empire, good sir,” I responded, laughing to myself. I had almost forgotten the fun of having another me in my company.

And so we were off. We soared through the air, the rushing of the wind creating a soft, lilting lullaby while pegasi burst through the clouds beneath us, bursting them into nothingness. I vaguely longed to reach out and stuff one into my mouth; they looked so fluffy and edible, and had been so long since I had last tasted one {10}. I basked in the rays of the sun, garbing me in vibrant streams of pure light, while the carpet announced the temperature and the wind speed perfectly in my voice. It was good to finally be back in Equestria.

********************

But I digress. In no time at all, we had arrived in the Crystal Empire, traversed down the hallowed hallways of King Sombra’s old palace {11}, and had uncovered the dusty old sheet covering up the mirror that would take me there. I turned back to Celestia and Luna. “Arrivederci, ladies! Wish me luck!” And with that I turned, took a deep breath, and stepped towards the portal.

My mind raced. Celestia was a fool to send a being as powerful as myself in there: I wondered what chaotic wonders I would install on the other side, what kind of mischief could be wreaked on the land. I could keep my friends in Ponyville, and remain the Master of Chaos in another world! I couldn’t remember a time I had felt more elated, and with a beautiful spinning leap, I dived into the mirror.

And subsequently squashed my face into the glass.

Behind me, Luna laughed hysterically while I tried to pry my lips off of the surface of the mirror. After a brief struggle with a particularly vicious mirror, I managed, “Really Celestia? Don’t you have better things to be doing than pulling pranks like this?”

Celestia tried (in vain) to hide a smirk. “You didn’t let me tell you everything, Discord. See, the mirror only opens once every 30 moons, and the next opening is almost directly after the Equestrian Games. You’ll have to wait until then to do your surveillance.”

“Princess, please. You forget who you’re talking to.” I flexed my paws, and twin beams of energy shot from them and into the mirror. It crackled into life.

“Oh…okay. I guess I shouldn’t have put it past you.” The Princess looked particularly taken aback.

“What, did you lower your expectations of me? I guess the feeling is mutual.” Behind me, a particularly shiny crystal morphed into a crude figure of Celestia, and a crystal cake appeared on the floor beneath it. The figure bent forward, stooping her muzzle, lower, almost brushing the cake beneath it…

“A-hem, Discord. Point taken.” Celestia shifted uncomfortably. Luna grinned at me from behind her. “I was not kidding when I said that your powers would wreck havoc on this world. That is why I’ll be revoking them.”

“What? My powers? I’m sorry Celestia, I don’t think you can revoke my powers,” I chuckled. “Why wouldn’t you have just done that before?”

“Because I can’t without your cooperation. So I’m going to ask you — will you give up your powers to create chaos, for a week or two until the portal opens again, for the sake of earning my trust and finally understanding what friendship means?”

Had it been a day earlier, I wouldn’t even have considered her offer. But Fluttershy had taught me how powerful friendship was the day before, and as loath as I was to part with my rather awe-inspiring powers, I knew this was worth a try. {12}

                “Fine, fine. How are you going to do this anyway? Is this a potion I have to take, or…” I trailed off as red lightning began to play its way across Celestia’s horn, crackling in the air around her. “Or is it just going to be a spell?”

                “DISCORD,” she Royal Canterlot Voiced {13}. It was a while since I heard that {14}. “DO YOU AGREE TO RELINQUISH WHAT POWERS YOU NOW COMMAND OVER MATTER AND ENERGY?”

                It was kind of a mouthful, but matter and energy pretty much covered the limits of my powers {14} . “Princess Celestia, I do.” {15}

  “THEN SO IT SHALL BE. BY THE POWER INVESTED IN ME, I HEREBY SUMMON THE ENERGIES OF SUN AND SPIRIT THAT RESIDE ME, THAT SHAPE MY SOUL AND MY BEING, THAT ALLOW ME TO KEEP THE RESIDENTS OF EQUESTRIA SAFE FROM HARM AND MAL-BEING, AND I DIRECT THEM TO WITHDRAWING WHAT FORCES YOU, DISCORD, MEMBER OF THE ESTRANGED DR-“

              “Sis?” Luna broke in. “Can we cut to the chase? I want to get back to Canterlot soon.”

                “Fine, fine.” Celestia rolled her eyes. “I guess this is all formality anyway.”

                “Hey, there’s no rush, Celestia. There’s no harm in having my powers a little longer, right?”

                Celestia didn’t respond. Instead, the lightning on her horn began to surround it, forming a red, swirling nexus around the alicorn’s head. Then she bowed her head, pointed her horn at my stomach, and the lightning was upon me.

                Have you ever had the feeling where it seems like someone has just taken a fishhook, shoved into your colon, punched you in the face, sucked all the moisture out of your mouth with one of those little dental hoover thingies they say cleans your teeth, punched you in the face again, electrocuted you, and then violently ripped the fishhook out of your colon, taking your soul with it? {16}

Neither have I. But I imagine this feeling was pretty damn close to it.

Wave after wave of pain crashed over me, eroding my senses, blasting my resolve into a thick, frothy paste that’s not unlike the kind of stuff you see in a Starbucks cappuccino maker. Every fiber, every atom within me was shaken and violently cast against the walls, just to rebound off each other and by some stroke of luck reform exactly they were before. My each and every nerve was subjected to a magical conflagration, incinerating all presence of mind that I had. Celestia and Luna swam out of my eyesight, replaced with bright red stars that winked in and out of existence.

When my eyes finally opened again, Celestia and Luna were standing above me. “Discord? Are you okay? Can you move?” Luna asked concernedly.

Grumpily, I rose to my feet. “It stung a little bit.” It actually felt like somepony had chainsawed my intestine out. “No biggie.”

And that’s when the feeling of emptiness hit me. When I was trapped as a statue, yes I was immobilized, but at least I was still me. Now, standing here in the Crystal Empire chamber, I felt more trapped than I ever had. The desire to stir up chaos was still there, but it was all suddenly out of reach for me. I was weak, powerless, naked.

In front of Celestia there shown a bright yellow ball of light, with bands of white energy undulating around the surface of it. “This sphere, Discord, is the root of all your powers, and will only work again when they are restored to your body. In a few weeks time, when you return, you will be reunited with them immediately.”

“Pinkie promise, Celestia?” I stuck out my paw, realized I couldn’t create a pinky finger without my powers, and quickly retracted it. “Err… regular promise, then?”

The white pony smiled. “I guarantee it.”

I looked back into the mirror. “Okay then…” I said with what I’m sure was convincing resolve. “I guess I should head out… Hey, has the world on the other end seen a Draconequus yet? Will I transform when I go through that portal?”

Celestia looked puzzled. “I hadn’t thought about that. I suppose that, because your form will be greatly unstable in that world, your body will take the form of the first being you come in physical contact with {17}.

“Remember, Discord, I just want information on the world. In two weeks’ time, the portal will be open, and you’ll be free to come home. Good luck!”

I nodded, and stepped towards the portal. The glass practically radiated heat, and wasn’t altogether inviting.

“Oh, and Discord?” The Princess of the Night called from behind me.

“What is it, Luna? More teary goodbyes?”

“No,” she grinned. “Just wanted to say good luck with making friends there. You could use some.”

“Psh, luck? I won’t need any.”

“You’d be surprised,” Luna winked. Ouch.

“Go, Discord,” Celestia urged. “We’ll see you in two weeks.”

Indecision seized me. “On second thought, there has to be some other way for me to prove my trustworthiness. What about if you let me polish the Elements of Harmony? You and Luna could place bets on whether I’d steal them or not!”

“Oh, come on,” Luna chuckled, and a bright beam of blue light gently tapped me on the chest, just enough to cause me to lose my balance. “No! Wait!” I cried, trying in vain to create wings to get me out of this. I took a step backwards, waved my arms violently {18} , and teetered backwards into the energized glass. And suddenly I was falling, falling, toppling through a haze of colors and lights and a ghostly fog until, finally, I materialized into a new world.

Now, under any other circumstances, I would have fallen out of the other end of that portal and sprained my wing on the sidewalk, maybe even chipped a horn or jammed a paw. Fortunately, something was there to break my fall.

Something skinny.

Something with blue hair.

Something completely unsuspecting that his head was about to collide with the full weight of the great Discord.

Thankfully, the being I would later come to know as Flash Sentry has a very, very soft head.

To be continued...

FOOTNOTES

{1}At least the stone has the decency not to give you a lecture on the value of friendship whenever you see it.

{2} It was true. Once Celestia got going, you couldn’t stop her. You should have seen the whole speech she gave before she turned me into stone the first time.

 {3} If you fit this description, kudos to you, you’re the closest to understanding me. You get a gold star.

{4} If you fit this description, expect a very unpleasant visit from me on your next birthday. We’ll see how watered-down I’ve become.

{5} For now, at least. I’m not forgetting about that birthday promise.

{6} When you have a big sister that bossy, can you blame her for the whole Nightmare Moon thing? It just goes to show that Only Children like me are just infallible.

 {7} It wasn’t a pleasant sight. I didn’t know she even had those muscles.

{8} Or at least, I thought they were death stares. It just kind of looks cute on a Ponyville pony, especially from someone who’s seen the death stares of a Bat Pony.

{9} A smile and a chuckle in the same day. I hoped she wouldn’t hurt herself.

 {10} The clouds, on the other hand, looked positively foul.

  {11} I even helped him build some of it, back in the day. That was before he had gotten all boring and close-minded with his plans to dominate Equestria.

{12} There was also the small matter of how Celestia would turn me back into stone in a heartbeat if I refused.

{13} Yes, this is a verb in Equestria. Sue me.

{14} She didn’t mention anything about changing time, which was a potential loophole, but that was somewhat advanced even for someone has dashingly powerful as me.

{15} You would not believe how many times this vow to Luna has been used in your humans’ fan fictions. It seemed like the right thing to say at the time, keeping with the formal tone and all, but even I cringed a little as the words passed my mouth.

{16} Absently, I wondered if this meant my soul was stored in my colon. Talk about unflattering.

{17} This didn’t make sense, but I knew better than to ask what the reasoning there was. Celestia could talk.

{18} This was for balance, not because I was waving farewell. Duh.

Out of the Frying Pan...

CHAPTER 2

If you’ve ever had the luck to have a Draconequus land on your head,  it can mean one of two things. One, that it was wholly accidental, which will almost always knock you out, and on occasion deliver a concussion. Two, that they’re trying to perform the ancient Draconequus mating ritual, which coincidentally also involves a concussion but entails a few other details as well that they wouldn’t let me talk about here.

Now, I didn’t land on the skinny little pseudo-human with blue hair and blue clothes intentionally, but considering it was an innocent fall that knocked him out and not the mating ritual, I’d say he got off pretty lucky. He wouldn't have survived that ritual, no way.

I rolled off the kid’s head and onto the ground, and as I tried to get to my feet I found that they failed me and I buckled back to the cement. I wasn’t just immobilized; it actually felt like I was sinking into the ground, like I was a spilled hot chocolate from Sugarcube Corner that was being absorbed by Ponyville soil.

Except I wasn’t hot chocolate. And this wasn’t Ponyville anymore {1} .

When I pulled myself together, I had the initial feeling of weightlessness, which was shortly followed by a lack of strength, lack of air, and a lack of overall personal style. My bones had been ungraciously morphed into twisted mockeries of their formal glory, and felt altogether unwelcome. Naturally, this was not my first transformation – I had been forced to change shape many times over the course of my reigns. No, what bothered me here was the sheer inability to change back into my true body. I was stuck in an alien tomb, tethered to an unfamiliar skeleton, something that by no means suited someone like me. To make matters worse, I only rarely transformed into conventional humans before, so I was already out of my element.

Not that these people were conventional humans {2} anyway. For one, their skin colors differed far more than the ones of your race: orange, blue, even green faces sprang to my vision. Secondly, the skeletons seemed to be a lot different, with much thinner abdomens and thinner legs. And finally, the hair. I don’t know how anyone could get their hair to look this ridiculous, but this guy seemed to have pulled it off pretty nicely: copious amounts of gel forced his hair backwards, so it looked like it was constantly facing some giant fan turned up to its highest setting {3}. Ugh, human fashion – just thinking about the ridiculous concept was enough to give me a headache.

And speaking of headaches... I thought, turning back to the crumpled figure. The flickering rays of a nearby streetlight danced across his dormant features, illuminating his shocked features: raised eyebrows, partially opened mouth, pale skin, the like. The beginnings of a bruise were twisting together over his left eye, and a thin vein of red trickled from his mouth to the gray pavement below {4}.

Well, he didn't look awful {5}, but he was by all means out cold, with a possible internal head injury. But it couldn't have been that bad.

Okay, I suppose it was that bad. Maybe not life-threatening, but definitely bad. I began to scan the square for some kind of doctor's office or hospital that I could drop this kid off at. Unfortunately, it was hard to see anything in such a dark environment. It was almost pitch-black out — around midnight, I'd say – and scouting out human buildings for a medical center would have been hard enough in the daytime. Then again, though, I supposed it was for the best it was nighttime now; I had the feeling humans didn't have too many awe-inspiring beings like me materialize out of statues and crush their civilians. {6}

I looked around the square again. My memory of human customs was blurry, to say the least, as this was my first prolonged visit to Earth in a long while. Did hospitals look the same here as they did in Equestria? I couldn't quite recall. Yet as I scoped out the area, my eyes fell upon a small, bright white building, with a red-and-white striped flag (which had a rather out-of-place row of white stars in one corner) hanging from the roof.

Well, it was a stretch from the Ponyville's hospital flag – we have a simple red cross on a white flag to signify our hospitals – but the red and white design was sort of similar. It'll have to do, I decided as I hoisted the boy over my shoulder and began to carry him across the street, towards the door of the white building I assumed to be a hospital. {7} Upon arriving, I dropped the kid down on the marble floor {8}, proceeded up the stairs leading up the house, and tried to open the door.

It was locked. I couldn't believe it. How incredibly stupid of these damn humans, to lock a hospital's doors at night. What about all the grievously injured out there, who inconveniently got injured after dark? Were they just supposed to tough it out until morning? Did I have to wait with this kid until these people woke up? {9} No! Of course not! I knocked on the door angrily, ready to give whoever answered a piece of my mind. Still no response. I inwardly cursed this dysfunctional species – this would never have happened in Ponyville.

I looked at the kid. More red saliva had begun to trickle out of his mouth, and I noticed there was somewhat of a hefty gash in his lip {10}. I needed to get this kid inside the building somehow, and before sunrise. I had a feeling what was happening here might look somewhat suspicious to a casual passerby. So once again hoisting this kid over my shoulder, I walked briskly around the hospital and scanned for some entry point I could dump this kid. Locked door, locked window, locked window... Aha! Two floors above me, I spied an open window, with a very conveniently placed drainpipe next to it. Bingo.

Now, the prospect of climbing a drainpipe in the dark might seem daunting, let alone when carrying a human on your shoulders. But I was the great Discord! I was not so easily deterred! The fires of my soul would never fail, come what may to my powers themselves! My willpower surged through me, surged as I tightened my grip on the boy, surged as I put one hand on the drainpipe, surged as I began to lift us an inch, six inches, a foot! Who needed powers? I was unstoppabl–

Crack.

A few moments later, I opened my bleary eyes, holding a piece of the drainpipe in my hand. Rust caked my eyes and face. Behind me, the boy began to stir, and to the east the sky began to grow a tad brighter. I rose to my feet. I was running out of time here.

Now, I’m not particularly proud of what transpired next. It might’ve been that my judgment was skewed from the all-too-recent loss of my powers, or from my fall from the drainpipe, or the strain of carrying this human runt around with me. {11} It might have even been that the effort of maintaining such a witty, overall fantastic personality was finally taking a long-overdue toll on my brain. {12} But whatever the cause, I looked up, and suddenly saw the answer to all my problems: a pair of tall green bins labeled 'recycling', and thought  That must be where patients wait to gain entrance to a hospital! I grinned at my discovery {13}. I got to my feet, brushed off the rust that now adorned my jacket, and reached behind me for the kid.

Who then bolted upright the second I touched him. His eyes snapped open, wild and confused, then focused on me, narrowed, and paused. Inwardly, I prepared myself for a feverish bout of questioning, followed by a rather poetic appraisal of the world he thought he lived in. I had seen this all go down before – non-magic being finds out magic exists, being is shocked, being goes on some long tirade about the world – and so as he opened his mouth, I flinched a little, preparing myself for the most existential of questions.

But no. The boy just shook his head, blinked, and said, "What the fuck?"

Ah, right. This was a human. And here I was expecting an intelligent stream of questions.

I cleared my throat. "Look kid, you're having a particularly bad dream right now, where you were flattened out by an interdimensional being. And he made you wear this thing." I pulled at the striped jacket. "Just go back to, uh, dream sleep, and next thing you know you'll be fine."

"Whoa, wait a sec," the kid gasped. "Bro, you look, like, exactly like me."

I rolled my eyes. "Don't flatter yourself, kid. Now go to sleep, I'm trying to do something here."

Now the horror was starting to set in on this kid's face {14}. "Tha- that's not normal, dude! Are you eve- you're not... you're not human!"

I had had enough of this, and I turned to survey the cans in front of me. "No, I'm not. I'm actually a shape-shifting, dimension-traveling Draconequus. You guys would call me a chimera. Hypothetically, if you had to choose being stored in one of those cans, which one would it be?"

The kid's eyes were as wide as Celestia's Royal Cake plates. He staggered awkwardly to his feet, and I smelled a whiff of alcohol on the kid's breath. What was he doing under that statue after midnight anyway? I wondered absently, as he frantically backpedaled away from me. "Help!" He began to call. "HEL–"

I had my limits. I was trying to help this kid, and here he was calling for help! So with one powerful lunge, I bounded forward and slapped my hand over his mouth. He spat at my hand, sending a froth of translucent saliva through my fingers {15}. "Listen, pup," I told him, anger starting to creep into my voice. "I fell on you. You are hurt. So shut up, sit down, and cooperate. I'm trying to get you inside one of those hospital crates."

The kid continued to struggle against me {16}, and with so with determination and even a little regret {17}, I leaned my head back, braced myself, and headbutted the boy – not hard enough to do any serious damage, but just enough to knock him back out again. I mean, he was going to a hospital anyway.

His breathing went back to normal, and I took my hand off of his mouth, hoisted him up, approached the hospital medical reception can. My head still stung a little. I sighed. "We've  got to stop bumping into each other like this," I muttered, and then dumped him into the hospital transport crate.

Gradually, I returned to the statue. The stars were growing dimmer, and the most distant of them were beginning to wink out. I leaned against the statue, which had now lost its last magical charges and had become solid again {18}. I leaned against it, utterly exhausted.

But I couldn't sleep here. It looked like the town square, after all, and someone who knew the kid whose body I was occupying might find and wake me. I picked myself up, rubbing my tired eyes. The boy's backpack was on the ground in front of me, and unwittingly, I grabbed it. It would make for a nice pillow.

Blearily, my eyes settled upon a nearby bunch of shrubs a block or two away. I was there in an instant: I plopped the backpack down, lay in the grass, rested my head on my makeshift pillow. Sleep was instantly upon me.

             **************************************

There's nothing like going from a relaxing dream about flying, fluffy, fiercely explosive bunnies to waking up in a shrub. If you've never experienced it, it's a truly miserable experience and I don't recommend it, no matter how appealing the occasional nap in a shrub can seem. It makes matters even worse if you're stuck in a strange world with humans, and as I lay there, contemplating my predicament, a grim unhappiness began to sink in.

It was time to start exploring the world like Celestia had asked. I rubbed my eyes, clearing odd yellow crumbs from my eyes (yet another strange human phenomenon), and poked my head out.

The square looked utterly different in the daylight. The statue stood like a centerpiece to a series of dollhouses, all arranged neatly in rows. Yet the urban sprawl of the city died out directly in front of the statue, which gave into a grassy campus, and, beyond that, a looming, imposing, oversized school {19}. The last thing I wanted to do was set foot in there; getting bogged down in the social workings of some school was the worst way to observe the workings of this world. Now, if I could find some newspaper with current events, or try to get to know the humans in the area around here, I'd be set. All I would need to do is stay away from that school.

"Hey Flash!" someone called to someone else in the distance. It sounded like the humans here were social enough. It probably wouldn't be hard to befriend them.

"Hey, Flash!" The guy called to someone again, louder this time. I groaned. Okay Flash, answer this guy and shut him up. It was too early for this.

"Flash Sentry!" Called a voice from right behind me. Exasperated, I turned around to see why the hell this Flash Sentry wasn't answering...

...And stared right into the eyes of some stocky, sweat-stained, rather large-ish youth. His hair was light blue and hung at shoulder length, and a pair of drumsticks unceremoniously protruded from his pocket.

Instinctively, I looked behind me. Nobody was there. Where was this Flash Sentry he was talking about? The only person in the vicinity was me!

Me.

Flash Sentry.

Oh no.

Of all the worst possible names that I could have.

"Lookin' for this, bro?" He handed me a small, rectangular device with a sole circular button at the bottom. "I found your phone outside the Canterlot High statue. You're not gonna find it in those bushes, brah!" He chuckled for no discernible reason. I forced a smile, and he continued. "Hey Flash, you look like you didn't catch such a great snooze last night. Betcha tapped that, didn't ya?" He cackled again.

"Heh. Good one. Bro. I totally, uh, tapped that." I cringed at even letting the words pass my mouth, but if the strange creature in front of me noticed, he didn't show it. "That's my boy!" He slapped my back, and laughed some more. There was alcohol on this kid's breath, too. Fantastic. "Now c'mon bro," he said, and started walking again. "If we don't hurry we're gonna be late for class, and I don't wanna go through another lecture for cutting again." He paused. "Unless... you wanna get a drink."

I almost choked. I had had human alcohol before, and it played hell with my system. {20} "No, no. Let's go to class. Bra. Like you said." And with that, he grabbed my arm and let me forwards.

Right towards that school.

I really do have the worst luck these days. I sighed. For a moment, I considered just running for it, but I had the feeling that wouldn't go all that well, what with what smelled like the human version of Iron Will standing next to me and all. So I shot a mournful glance at the statue, bit my lip, and trudged after him, reminiscing about the peaceful days where I was simply trapped in stone.

To be continued...

FOOTNOTES

{1}   These weren’t perhaps the most insightful observations of my career, but I had been through a lot. Cut me some slack.

{2} And yes, when I say “conventional human” I’m talking about your race, since they’re only kind of humanoids I’ve had dealings with. Please don’t let the attention get to your head.

{3} An exemplary show of why you’re better off without hair altogether.

{4} I didn't remember human saliva being red, but I supposed my memory was just faulty.

{5} Well, actually, no. He indeed looked awful, right down to his too-small, red-striped jacket that desperately tried to be cool. But aside from the crippling injury to his sense of style, he didn't look that damaged from the collision.

{6} When I was younger, I had once tried to travel to the Crystal Empire from Saddle Arabia with a single snap of my matter-transporting fingers. Problem was, King Sombra had just started dabbling with that Dark Magic of his at the time, which completely through off my end point: instead of materializing in front of the his throne room, I materialized directly above his throne, and subsequently flattened him. Our relationship went downhill from there.

{7} I would later find out that it was someone's house. But not until much, much later.

{8} Don't worry, I gently dropped him.

{9} Well, I guess that was an option. But I sure as hell didn't want to coddle him for that long. He was needy enough when he was sleeping; I didn't even want to think how needy he'd be if he were awake.

{10} It was almost like the two were connected. Weird.

{11} It really didn’t help matters that he was starting to stir. I didn’t know what I’d say to him if he woke up then. Those conversations are damned from the start.

{12} Admittedly, this wasn’t really a logical option. I just wanted to mention how vastly interesting I am one more time.

{13} Part of the reason for my confusion was because they were thin green cans, not the shorter metal ones we have in Ponyville. But I was also in magical withdraw here, and therefore wasn't quite in my right mind. A bit of history: when Draconequui were in abundance way before my time, they had a surprisingly mediocre magical stamina. As a result, it wasn't hard for them to accidentally overexert themselves with some complicated spell – and when this happened, their mental faculties greatly were reduced and they essentially become stupid, wandering creatures, which was a big factor in their eventual extinction. Being an extremely unique member of my late race, I've never come close to completely exhausting my magical reserves, but the loss of my powers had most likely triggered some minor version of the affliction within me.

{14} It wasn't a pretty sight. And here I was thinking Celestia had weird facial expressions.

{15} Distantly, it occurred to me that this wasn't the same color as the red fluid I had seen leaking from his mouth earlier, meaning that this guy had two different colors of spit. You humans are so weird.

{16} If I had listened more carefully, I would've heard him try to tell me that I was about to put him into a trash can. If I had heard this, things might've been different; I might've found him an actual hospital, instead of some random person's trash can. Unfortunately for him, I was magically deprived, and he needed to enunciate more.

{17} But a very, very little amount of it. This kid had just licked my hand, after all.

18 It made me wonder what happened to casual passerbys who decided to lean against the statue during the periods of time when it was active. Were there humans in the form of ponies running around Equestria? It was a thoroughly disconcerting thought.

{19} When I first glimpsed it, I thought it was a castle because of its sheer size and architecture, but then I snapped out of it. Only an idiot could confuse a castle with a school like that.

{20} During one of my more recent visits to Earth, I had taken an innocent little swig of whiskey. Next thing I knew, I had sleepwalked around a nearby forest as a giant, hulking variation of a black bear. Sightings about "Bigfoot" originated the next day, and I decided I only liked chaos if I was in control of it.