The Tale of Sgt. Sprinkles

by GhostWriter17

Rating: mature
Tags: Nurse Redheart, Original Character, Comedy, Adventure, Snails, Cake Twins, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Tank
Length: 3586

Sgt. Sprinkles, the most amazing being in all of Equestria, recounts a tale in this totally epic tale of pony tales without the tails.

Sgt. Sprinkles is the baddest creature in all of Equestria! He's so "Bad", that there was a SONG based purely on how bad this guy was! Just his name alone could send shivers down the spine of any spine known to ponykind! Truly, Sgt. Sprinkles was the definition of awesome. Without Sgt. Sprinkles, the word "badass" would've never even been invented. If that's not badass I don't know what is!

At least, I think I'm badass...

But enough about me, Sgt. Sprinkles, in the sometimes past tense! Let's turn the past into the present! Let's talk about not what I have done! Let's talk about what I'm gonna do today!

I'm going on an adventure!

WARNING: THIS STORY IS RATED "MATURE" for language and questionable (and possibly odd or slightly "disturbing"/eyebrow raising) content, but contains no clop. The content of this story includes the aforementioned language, mostly for comedic effect, and the somewhat brutal destruction of a cupcake and its sprinkles. Some may find the scene rather weird.

Published 2013-12-31 04:40:06 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-31 04:40:06 UTC

Wherein Sgt. Sprinkles Goes On A Mighty Fine, Brilliant Adventure, And Does Many A Thing.

Wherein Sgt. Sprinkles Goes On A Mighty Fine, Brilliant Adventure, And Does Many A Thing.

The Tale of Sgt. Sprinkles

A One Shot Fanfiction

Written By: GhostWriter17

WARNING: This is what happens when I have gotten little sleep. I am currently living off of caffeine, ponies, and To Kill A Mockingbird. Consider yourself very lucky. I sincerely apologize to all who read this...

Snails The Unicorn was having a wonderful day! He'd just gotten back from a great day of school in Ponyville and was now headed to the wonderful Sugar Cube Corner to buy himself a tasty treat! Yes, it was a fine, sunshiney day in Ponyville, and Snails was hungry! With bits in hoof, he prepared to waltz into the confectionery to purchase his afternoon snack!

Snails opened the door to the shop, but not before a familiar buzzing sound caused Snails to look to his left. When he loked, all Snails could see was a blurry mass of green speeding towar him! Not wishing to get hit, Snails quickly ducked his head. Snails knew what that mass of flying green was: it was Tank the Turtle, who was once again flying around recklessly, his copter wings propelling him speedily through the sky.

"Hey, watch it," he yelled, "ya coulda knocked my head off, eh!" Reminding himself to watch out for that turtle when he exited the shop, Snails walked into said shop. Inside, Sugar Cube Corner was all abuzz. Ponies of all shapes and sizes flooded the counter where the Cake family served their sweets, awaiting eagerly their food. Snails waited patiently for his turn.

* * * *

Fillies and gentlecolts, my name is Sgt. Sprinkles, and I am the most awesome creature in all of Equestria! Truly, I am a marvel to behold, am I not? I mean, just look at me! Well, when I describe myself with words, that is, because chances are you're looking at my awesomeness through the lenses of a computer screen or something, and that's sort of awesome. But it can't match my awesomeness! No way, no how! Not a beast alive, except for maybe me, myself, and I, can compete with my awesomeness!

I'm not cliche or contrived in any way possible! The only thing I am is narcissistic! Sure, I'm all outgoing and stuff, which is one of my best personality traits, I guess. I mean, at least I'm more outgoing than my brothers and sisters. They're pretty annoying, to be honest. I mean, you could say that my family is a pretty odd and colorful group, but most of my family just kinda does their own thing all their lives and doesn't really do much else besides said thing. Me? I'm a compulsive layer. Lire. Lier. Liar. Not sure how it's spelled, for my family has never been good at spelling in general, but nonetheless I try my best! And because of my trying my best, I dare to stop conforming! That's right, even though my special talent may be lying (laying? lieing?) around, I shall not be a couch potato any longer!

Today, I go away! Today, I, Sgt. Sprinkles, will go on an adventure! Who knows where I'll travel? Who knows what epic escapades I shall embark on? Who knows what challenges await? I sure don't, but that's what makes it all exciting, right? To seek adventure and go away from my boring old life has always been my goal since I was a small little Sgt. Sprinkle, young and naive and innocent. No longer! Cast it off! Passing shall be my lasting impression! Or whatever you're supposed to say when being triumphant and all that jazz. Good song, by the way. Sexy, too.

But anyway, back to the matter at hand. I'm Sgt. Sprinkles, the leader of my clan, my family, my brethren, my comrades in the face of adversity, in the war of life. We Sprinkles stick together, always being a tightly-knit group full of brotherhood the likes Equestria has ever seen! We're clearly the largest family in all the land, with our numbers reaching the millions. Unfortunately, we're a relatively weak species, and get massacred on a daily basis.

We have such a hard existence, we Sprinkles...

Nevertheless, I shall guide my colony to greatness! Through grit and determination, I shall guide my ship to the nearest port, the closest lighthouse, beacon of light so we may ascend to the heavens! I am the captain of my vessel, and my family are my crew! We shall not be defeated; we shall be victorious! We shall slap this adventure straight in it's nonexistent face! Sally forth, and tally ho! Now, today, we go!

I begin my long and arduous day by giving my family a pep talk as we are lifted onto my vessel, The Chokra, a fine ship, brand new, as well! We are all lifted by the Great Claw and placed onto The Chokra with ease and grace. We're all strapped in, securely fit into the Gell that molds us to the brilliant carrier of us Sprinkles. We are all nervous. Most Sprinkles' rite of passage into the world is met with disaster and tragedy, but not us! I pledge by my ancestors that I shall not suffer the same fate as them! I promise that we shall all traverse into the Great Unknown and not be defeated! We. Will. Succeed.

Once I have made sure my family are secure, we are transported to our destination: The Loading Dock. This encasing of impenetrable fortress of solitude, this safety harness, this case of pristine security, is our first look into the Great Unknown. Most of us Sprinkles merely dream of ever seeing the Great Beyond, as it has been said to hold wonderful and terrible sights, sights no young Sprinkle should ever dare witness.

How those sayings are true. Outside, my fellow Sprinkles and I, standing beside our cousins on other vessels, as well, there are towering beasts and grand sights to behold! The sound of these great creatures is loud and muffled, their language unintelligible. They do not frighten me. No, it is obvious these creatures stand in our way, for a Grand Light shines behind a doorway, far across the barren landscape that lay (lie? lays?) before us. These massive colossi come in and out of this twinkling doorway, this chiming gateway to what must be Paradise! If the creatures which we see come into this doorway, there must be more outside it! There must be life outside my apartment! I am sure of it! That is our destination, this doorway, this portal to Greatness! It is our destiny!

* * * *

Finally, after several minutes of waiting, Snails was able to step up to the counter. Just then, Mrs. Cake brought in a new tray of fresh, hot, delicious cupcakes! Mrs. Cake brought the tray from below its glass prison up to the counter top so the ponies could enjoy the treats on it.

* * * *

We are rising. Out of the force-field of solitude, we are lifted. What once was a muffled sound of drowned sound suddenly becomes a cacophony of terror. The giants' voices ring throughout the air, their eyes, well, eyeing our ships with great interest, mouths salivating with hunger, a ravenous look of horrifying voraciousness filling my crew with dread. I rally them with my booming voice (well, about as booming as it can be amongst the sounds of hunger and horror, the screams and the laughter, the music of life flooding our senses) and I tell them not to be afraid! I tell them that this is but the first step, the first foray into madness, the beginning of our journey! We must not succumb to the fear and be in Limbo for all time, trapped under the stifling gaze of these carnivorous monstrosities! They believe me, their shivering quelled and their thoughts more clear. I'm such a badass, I think to myself proudly. Just keep this up, Sgt. Sprinkles and you'll be one for the history books! I wonder if there's a song about how "Bad" someone is? Wouldn't that just be the coolest thing? What if I'm such a badass that the song about someone's badness was based on my badness and badassery!? I'm sure such a thing is possible.

* * * *

The cupcakes all looked scrumptious, but Snails wanted one cupcake in particular. This cupcake, in the middle of the pan, looked absolutely heavenly. His mouth watered just thinking of devouring that cupcake! That ordinary, yet extraordinary-looking cupcake! He had to have it, he just had to!Quickly, Snails levitated the cupcake he wanted with his magic and paid Mrs. Cake. Unlike most ponies, who eat their cupcakes and treats right after getting them in the shop, Snails wanted to savour his outside in the sun!

* * * *

Amongst my musings and ramblings of the importance of badassery, a giant, golden creature fills our vision, looking upon my ship with intense interest. His greenish-bluish hair lies (lays? Lay? Lie?) haphazardly on top of his head, his lanky figure looming over us. He speaks slowly and calmly, every once in a while making a sound that sounds very much like an "eyyy". It's quite annoying. He places some gold discs beside our platform, and a pointy protrusion atop his head begins to glow. We are then lifted into the air, the same glow enveloping us.

"This is it, comrades!" I say to my fellow mates, "We have been chosen by a Giant, and are thusly beginning our Grand Adventure! Our rite of passage is now! All our life we've trained, strained and gained for this moment!" We are lifted toward the Great Door, the Door to our salvation. "We are approaching the portal to the Grand Light! The Great Beyond is coming! We may yet succeed! Huzzah!"

Our giant companion begins to open the door, and light floods our vision. However, before we can gather our wits, a giant green projectile attacks The Chokra! We are flung onto the ground.

* * * *

Cupcake still levitated, Snails opened the door to the streets of Ponyville, only to have his treat smacked out of his magic's grip by Tank! Both the cupcake and Tank fell to the floor! Tank got up and began to slowly, slowly, ssslllooowwwlllyyy creep toward the cupcake, snarling. Before anything could be done, however, Snails sneezed, propelling the cupcake right into Tanks' snout, knocking him to the wall!

* * * *

The projectile, a slimy, armored creature with blades protruding from its back, lands on the ground beside us. It snarls at us, and slowly, slowly, slowly, ssslllooowwwllly crawls toward us.

"Foul creature! Heathen from Hell! How darest thee destroy our security!" I yell at the slimy, disgusting thing, trying to sound as badass as possible. "Fire all thrusters! Attack!" Our ship propels itself into the snout of the horrid thing, knocking it backward against a wall. The creature once again gets up, but before it could retaliate, two small giants roar and attack the now wide-eyed monstrosity. They tackle it and beat it into submission, giggling feverishly. One of the giants, with a similar protrusion on its head, lifts us up with its giant arm... thing toward our golden companion. The glow surrounds us once more, and our companion smiles at us. We are battered and bruised, beaten and scarred, but we are not down yet! We've lost a few of our comrades, but for most of us, the Gel still holds.

* * * *

Before Tank could get up, and before Snails could apologize, the Cake twins suddenly attacked Tank, wrestling with him and tickling him! Snails didn't know their names, but the orange-haired one, a unicorn, lifted up Snails's cupcake with her hoof. Snails gladly received the cupcake with his magic, and proceeded out the door again, this time being more wary of his surroundings.

* * * *

Once again, the Doorway is opened, and light once again buffets us. Before we can gather our senses, I tell my shipmates to charge into the air and ascend toward the heavens above! All thrusters firing, we break free from our golden companions' aura, and tumble to the sky, the heavens, the Great Unknown!

* * * *

Snails couldn't hold it in any longer. right as he exited Sugar Cube Corner, he decided to eat the cupcake right away. I just can't take it! It looks too delicious! Mouth salivating, he tossed the confection up with his magic, letting it fly high into the air. Snails eagerly stuck his tongue out, hungrily awaiting his delicious snack...

* * * *

"Yes, my shipmates! This is it! Our eleventh hour is come!" I declare proudly as we rise. "Now we triumph above all! History is ours! Nothing shall conquer us! Victory!" There was but one complication. Our thrusters began to die. We spiraled out of control, losing momentum quickly. And then the unthinkable happens: we tumble toward the earth! We are spiraling and spinning downward, unable to regain control! There is nothing to be done. I hear a slimy slosh below us, and before I know it, we land on a wet, slimy surface. This slimy mass of wetness propels us past massive white pillars, and darkness closes around us.

* * * *

The cupcake hits Snail's tongue, and he quickly shoves the cupcake into his awaiting mouth. He lets the cupcake lay (lie? Snails was never a good speller...) inside his mouth, letting the amazingly scrumptious icing melt into his taste buds, giving the small colt a tasty pleasure unlike any he'd ever experienced! Delighting in his treat, he swished the cupcake all around in his mouth, chewing the cake, sucking on the sprinkles, and all around having a wonderful time. After he was suitably satisfied, Snails tilted his head back and swallowed the cupcake, making sure it slowly, achingly traveled down his throat and into his stomach.

* * * *

In the darkness, my shipmates and I hear a deafening "Mmm!" all around, and then it hits us: We, of the Sprinkles family, the pride and joy of our colony, including myself, Sgt. Sprinkles, have entered the awaiting maw of our golden companion! "Traitorous cur," I yell above the noise, "you shall rue the day you ever ate one of the Sprinkles!"

It is no use. Our defenses weaken. The Gel dissolves on the great creatures' tongue, releasing us from our security. We are thrown around by his big, fleshy, throbbing muscle, the tongue coating us in thick saliva. The Chokra is thrashed into the cheeks of the monster, slowly pulsed by the sucking cheeks. Don't ask how I'm able to see all this. I gape in horror as my proud ship is mashed and crushed by the colossal teeth of the traitor, the saliva mixing with its once impregnable surface, turning it into a pasty mush.

The mush is moved onto the tongue, and the remnants of the ship trap some of my brethren into the mass of slime. Their wails are all I can hear among the sounds of pleasure coming from the evil demon. The tongue suddenly smushes us all against the roof of his mouth, suffocating us as his tongue grinds us against it. He sucks against us, for some so violently that my comrades either break and shatter under the pressure or are drained of all color, shrinking and dissolving in the saliva that covers them. The mass of flesh then violently rolls us aroind, tasting us more. How he enjoys our taste, reveling in devouring us! He moans in ecstasy as he chews more of my family, crunching them into dust. Finally, after what seems like an eternity of torture, what's left of us are pulled to the back of the creatures maw. With a deafening gulp, we are propelled down the throat of our destroyer.

The walls of the traitor's slimy, long throat squeeze us tightly, almost massaging us down as we travel farther and farther down his neck, closer and closer to our final destination: his stomach. We are squeezed and pulled down the lengthy and slimy passageway, and before we know it, are pushed into the stomach, where we are surely left to die.

However, no matter how much hope is lost, I refuse to give up. "You evil cad! I swear that I, Sgt. Sprinkles, shall give you the worst stomachache you've ever had! You shall suffer, do you hear me? Suffer!" I yell as loud as I can. I will never give up. I will never back down, for I am a warrior, and I. Will. Cause. Stomachaches.

Sprinkles may be harmless alone, but together, with enough of us, we can cause pain...

* * * *

"Are you sure that the cupcake wasn't the problem?"

"No! That's impossible! How could a cupcake, one cupcake, upset me like this!?" Snails writhed in agony, clutching his stomach as if he were delivering a foal. He wriggled in his seat, in Nurse Redheart's office, unable to contain his visible pain.

"Well," Nurse Redheart, looking rather smug, "there have been cases where cupcakes have caused stomachaches. However, I haven't seen a stomachache this bad from a simple treat before, and the magic scans show that the only thing inside your digestive tract as of now is that cupcake. What's even more peculiar is that the cupcake seems to be reforming itself inside of you, as if the acids inside you aren't working properly. Hmm..." She placed a hoof to her chin, analyzing the pictures of the magic scan.

"EH!?" Snails exclaimed, tears in his eyes. "You mean that the cupcake is growing inside me? Oh, Celestia's Beard, what did I do to deserve this? Please, Nurse, tell me you can do something to save me! I don't wanna die!"

Nurse Redheart rolled her eyes. "Snails, you're not going to die. The cupcake isn't growing inside you, it's reforming, going back to its original shape. If you'd have listened to what I said, which you obviously didn't do, you'd know that. My theory is that, because your stomach is so small, and one cupcake should fill you up pretty well while it's soft and partially digested, a full undigested cupcake would give you problems. There's only one thing to do."

"W-wh-what's that, Nurse?" Snails replied, shaking, cold sweat dripping from his body.

Nurse Redheart cackled. "Surgery!"

Nurse Redheart cackled some more, and Snails screamed like a little baby. "Don't worry," Nurse Redheart said, glee in her eyes, "it'll all be over quickly. Just follow me to the operating table, and I'll see what I can do."

Snails had no choice. He had to do as Nurse Redheart asked. Struggling to follow Redheart, Snails slowly crept behind her to the room where he would hopefully be cured of such an affliction...

Two minutes later, a semi-sedated Snails awoke to see Nurse Redheart's smiling at him. "All finished!" She exclaimed happily. "All it took was some wonderful teleportation magic from one of my assistants and some sedatives! And look," she brought the newly-reformed, just as delicious looking cupcake into Snails's view, "the cupcake is perfectly fine!" Snails screamed at the sight of the treat, and, leaving some bits behind as payment, rushed out the Ponyville Hospital yelling that he'd never ever eat a cupcake again.

That night, Nurse Redheart decided an obviously magical object such as this should be sent to the Canterlot Museum For Magical Oddities, where Equestria's brightest can study the cupcake to see what properties it has. So, shipping it in a tightly-secured box, the Nurse sent the magical cupcake to Canterlot via train, content with her work once more.

However, the next day, when the package was meant to be dropped off, there was revealed to be a hole in the box, as if it were torn away from the inside, the cupcake nowhere to be found...

To this day, that cupcake, though reportedly sighted by many, has never truly been found, and the obscure myth surrounding it has sent that magic cupcake into the stuff that legends are made of...

* * * *

Yes, we Sprinkles have quite a determination, do we not? A lust for adventure, a want for daring do, all Sprinkle have couragous traits in spades. And as we travel and seek new life in the Great Unknown, we discover that we, the crew of The Chokra have become heroes back wherever it is we came from. Legends tell of The Chokra's daring exploits, of how danger is looked straight in the eye unblinking, unwavering, and unfaltering. We of this noble and mighty ship have done what no ship of the Sprinkles has ever done before: we made it into the Great Beyond. The Sprinkles inside do not know truly done, but it matters not. Myths go on to explain our voyages to the Unknown, and what we find there, there where no Sprinkle has gone before. They also say of the captain behind this operation, and of his unwavering bravery and true grit! He is forever immortalized in the hearts and souls of all that come after him.

He is Sgt. Sprinkles, and he is the most badass hero of them all! So we fly into the sunset, our thirst for danger and excitement never quelled, wondering what each day ahead shall bring us...