It was just a better-than-average day for our lovely pink and poofy mare, Pinkie Pie. It was lunch time, and everypony was over at Sugarcube Corner having a splendid desert. Today was funky hat day at work, and Pinkie had to bring out another hat wrack just to place them all. Nothing was too out of the ordinary.
There were all kinds of hats on the hat racks, and all in different colors. It was like a rainbow of hats, and with those hats came personality. All the gentlecolts took off their top hats, while the on-the-road truckers took off their sweaty baseball caps. It was truly one of Pinkie Pie's favorite days of the year. The pink mare had ordered a package earlier that day from Twilight, and just as she was about to question where it was, Spike arrived at the door with the big, heavy, cardboard box in his small, shaking hands.
"Heya, Pinkie!" Spike managed to choke out before breathing heavily again. "This... hah... package... is for you. Where... should I put it?"
"Oh, hi, Spike! Just set it by the hat rack."
"Got it!"
Spike then wobbled left and right, barely seeing over the package he was carrying. It was like watching a dog try and stand on two legs. The poor dragon then tripped over a leg of the hat stand and fell over clumsily, knocking every single hat off of the stand and onto the floor. A ball cap, however, landed backwards on his head. All glared at him.
"Spike! Are you all right!?" Pinkie yelled. Spike held out a thumbs up.
"Yo, I is all coo', G." Spike said with a wink. Realizing how he sounded, he covered his mouth. "Yo, mane, what the heck goin' on with my yapper? I ain't doin' jack diddly!"
"Spike? Are you sure you're... all there? Did you bump your head hard?" Pinkie asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Naw, I swear, dawg. This puppy won't stop barkin' these weird sounds! I dunno why, mayn!" Spike said swaggaliciously.
"Umm..." Pinkie thought. "This may sound weird, but try taking off that hat."
"What hat, girl? I ain't got no hat one, you kiddin' me, honey?" Spike told off dat goil.
"Umm... just... hold still. Let me see something..." Pinkie said as she reached for his hat, but he swatted her away.
"Bae, you ain't gonna touch my noggin'. Y'all know I ain't gonna be touched there no way no how." Spike saiya. Pinkie then thought for a moment and came up with an idea.
"Hey, Spike!" Pinkie said.
"Wussup wit chu?"
"Close your eyes. I have a present for you."
Spike then shut his eyelids as Pinkie reached for his head. She then twisted his hat around, so that it was facing the front.
"Alright! Open your eyes!" Pinkie cheered as Spike awoke his new seers. He then immediately got a scrunched face.
"Aww, dang, son! This trucker's gotta drop the load!" Spike said as he sprinted to the rest room. No more than three seconds later, an explosion blew the door open and a gigantic fart noise filled the atmosphere. Spike has achieved liftoff. The butthurt dragon emerged from the depths of the chaos vortex sweating and breathing heavily. Pinkie Pie couldn't stop laughing.
"Thank ya kindly, missy, but I gots to get back on the road now! Mah destiny be a waitin' down in the south!" Spike said, tipping his hat and running out the door frantically. Pinkie Pie looked at the tipped over hat stand and got a devilish idea. It was time to grab all the hats she could and give chase to Spike, to see what kind of entertaining things she could make him do. Suddenly, she heard yelling from outside.
"WHERE THE HELL'S MAH TRUCK!? BRITNEY, BABEH, COME BACK! AH DIDN'T MEAN IT!" Spike yelled as Pinkie watched him drop to his knees through the window. Glancing down at the floor, she then saw a top hat. The pink mare then picked it up and bolted out the door. When Spike heard heavy clopping behind him, he looked back, and as soon as he saw the pink mare racing toward him, he picked himself up and ran for his life.
"Aw, shiet!" Spike swore as he wobbled relatively quickly away from danger. That wasn't fast enough for him to escape the utter doom that was about to pounce upon him. When she was close enough, Pinkie leaped and caught Spike by the tail.
"Spike! Don't go! I just wanna see what you look like with this hat on!" Pinkie begged, but Spike resisted.
"Ya crazy dame! Git yer hooves off me!" Spike yelled. Pinkie then quickly switched the hats on his head and let go of his tail.
"Why, I say!" Spike scoffed as he stood up and brushed his body off. "What brutal behavior! Dear girl, what preposterous idea might you be having in that cranium of yours?"
"Teeheehee! Why are talking like that, silly?" Pinkie asked with a smile.
"Because, unlike you, I am quite sophisticated and polite. You have no sense of respect for others it seems!"
"I... uhh..."
"Now, now! Shush! I declare to not hear a word from you, heathen! Now, bother me again, and you best gird your loins for battle!" Spike taunted as he made a prim dueling pose with his scaly hands.
"Uhh... Spike? What does gird mean?" Pinkie asked with a puzzled face.
"Such unintelligent questions! I do not have time to discuss foolish matters with peasants. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be leaving for home. Tally ho!" Spike said with ultimate class. There was not a classier classy pony that could outclass his classy classiness in this classy world as of the moment.
Pinkie then looked down at her hooves and noticed a fedora that Spike had blown through the door earlier. It was in great shape, and even had a nice pattern on it. She looked back up at Spike.
"Madam, I insist not!" Spike said nervously as he backed up several feet. Pinkie grew a grin, and as soon as she did, Spike turned his body around and dashed.
"Get back here, Spike!" Pinkie yelled at the fleeing dragon.
"Blast it, mare! I request you do not harm my posh body structure, for I must meet my friends with dignity and not with the filth of lower class citizens upon my delicate head!"
Spike ran rather slowly away from Pinkie, as gentlemen do not usually need to scurry. Pinkie quickly caught up to him and bumped the fedora onto him, knocking the top hat off. Spike flinched and suddenly grew a smile.
"Why hello, deary! Have you seen my pencil and notepad. I am on a VERY important investigation. I must find my tools, post-haste!" Spike asked nervously. Pinkie began to giggle.
"Mmmfft.... mmmff-f-f-ftt...!" Pinkie muttered.
"What is so funny, young lady? This crime must not go unpunished! I must find the culprit, and to do that, I must have my handy tools!" Spike asked, lurking around. Pinkie couldn't take it.
"PFFFT! Hahahaha!" she roared as she fell on her back, her hooves over her lungs.
"What is making you giggle, my dear? Murder cases are no laughing matter! In fact, I am quite shocked you found the will to laugh."
"Wha-a-at are you even talking about, Spike!?" Pinkie asked, barely breathing from laughter.
Then, all went gray. Music began to play seemingly out of nowhere, dark and mysteriously. Spike peered into the window with shallow eyes and a colorless soul.
"It all started twelve years ago." Spike began. "It was a beautiful summer's day; a girl walked through the field. She was a lovely lass, one with a face no stallion could forget. Then, one day, she vanished. Taken by some crude fellows in trench coats. I, Spike, have set out on my quest to find that woman and bring her captors to justice. That is what I'm talking about."
"...Spike, you're, like, four. How did you know all that happened, you silly goose?"
"Dear madam, I should inform you that that is none of your business. You shall never understand the life of a detective. Now, I shall be off to find my tools now. I bid you farewell." Spike said as he bowed. Pinkie just sat there and lifted an eyebrow.
"Fedora is booooooring." Pinkie said to herself out loud.
"Excuse me?" Spike said, raising an eyebrow.
"You wearing a fedora is super duper boring. Let's change that!" Pinkie said as she took out an old and worn leather cowboy hat. Spike flinched.
"I do not think so, miss! It is time for me to bolt! Thank you for your offer, though!" Spike said as he ran away, whistling a tune of some sort.
"Oh no you don't! C'mere!" Pinkie said as she pounced on him, knocking his fedora off and placing the cowboy hat on it. Spike looked still for a few seconds.
"...Spike?" Pinkie asked after about ten seconds had passed.
"HOO-EY! That there be some raunchy actin', yung'in! Y'all shouldn't be doin' all that, y'hear? T'ain't nutting' more aggervatin' than a wil' goose cheese, doggie!" Spike said, jumping in the air.
"Baha! Ahahaha!" Pinkie squealed as she slammed the ground with her hoof. "you sound so weird!"
"Well, if y'all don't mind, I'lla be back to tha library now. Miss Twalaht needs me!" Spike called out as the little purple dragon skedadled his way over to the library.
"W-Wait!" Pinkie called as she chased after him, smiling. The poor dragon was running as if he saw a timber wolf with a gun all the way to the library, nearly tripping on his own stubby legs more than seventeen times. The pink mare stayed close behind, but with his new hat, Spike ran like a dog on a sugar high. When they arrived at the library, Spike barged in, only to see Twilight and Princess Celestia.
"Spike! What took you so long?" Twilight asked. "the Princess and I were just having a chat about you."
"Sorreh to interrupt, yung'in, but there be a crazy lass trying ta hunt me down. I ain't able to run thisa far!" Spike spat as he jogged over to Twilight.
"Spike... what in the world are you talking about? And why are you imitating Applejack? I don't under--"
"Spike!?" Pinkie screamed as she slammed the door open.
"Oh. That's what you're talking about. Pinkie, stop messing with my assistant! That's not nice!"
"But... but Twiiiiii! It's fuuuuunnnyyyyyy!" whined the pink mare.
"And exactly what is funny?" Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Uh... it's hard to explain. I can show you! Last time, I promise!" Pinkie begged. The lavender mare rolled her eyes.
"Fine. ONCE. Spike, come here."
"I got a bad feelin' in mah gut." Spike said as he waddled over to Twilight's side.
"Now, are there any hats..." Pinkie wondered as she looked around. She glanced all over the room, but there were no hats to be found. Just as soon as it was starting to frustrate her, she spotted something... more than a hat. On the top of Celestia's head rested a crown. The poor Princess suddenly grew a worried face. "That'll do!"
"H-hey!" Celestia said as Pinkie swiped the crown off of her head. She then quickly replaced Spike's cowboy hat with the crown. There was only silence and blank eyes.
"....Spike? You there, buddy?" Pinkie asked as Spike began to shake. All three of them backed away from the baby dragon as he began to excerpt light. The slash of light suddenly began to become blinding, making the ponies turn away from their small dragon friend. Before they knew it, however, the light vanished, and they all gasped at what they saw.
"S-Spike?" Twilight asked, shaking.
"Twilight? What are you doing?" Asked the gigantic, glittering dragon with a high pitched voice. "You must be preparing your next friendship letter to me!"
"But I-"
"No buts! Now, do you want to continue your days as a friendship student? If so, then get that flank moving!"
"Yes, Princess Spike!" Twilight said as she rushed to her paper and quill.
"Spike! Your princess requires that you give her crown back!" Celestia ordered. Spike scoffed.
"Augh! Never shall I! I am Equestria's princess after all! Now, all get to work! Or must punishments be made?" Spike asked as Celestia and Pinkie cringed.
"N-No, ma'am!"
"Then let us make Equestria as beautiful as ever! Chop chop!"
And that's how Spike became Equestria's new princess. The end.
