Chapter 1: [UN]ORIGINAL CHAPTER UMBA ONE
JIM’S SUPER AWESOME ADVENTURE IN AQUESTRIA
BY: FiMFiction Undaead
Chapter 1: [UN]ORIGINAL CHAPTER UMBA ONE
Jim was driving to work when suddenly there was a huge earthquake of epic proportions. The earth split and revealed a giant pit of water, which is odd because he lived in Ohio.
“Oh, shi--” said Jim as she menacingly swerved out of control.
Jim drove into the chasm and fell into Atlantis. Then, he fell into the random nether portal that appeared in front of him. “Oh fuck! Where am I going?” he asked God. To his surprise, God responded.
God said, “Shut the fuck up. You talk SOO much. Why can’t you just breathe for a damn second and figure out where you’re going for your damn self?!”
“Fuck you, God; you’re a fucking tool!!” Jim screamed.
“That’s it. I’m sending you to a place worse than Hell,” God said.
“Oh fuck, is it to your mom’s vaginal cavity?” (Editors note: haawt) asked Jim.
“SMITTEN! AND MITTENS! AND CUTE LITTLE KITTENS!”
“One day when I woke up, I decided to get a cup,
Maybe mix a little sugar, blood, skin, organs, hair,
What I’m mixing up, oh, it’s gonna be rare!” God sang.
“Maybe tall, roughy, and toot-
How about small, fluffy, and cute-
HEY HEY, I’M THE PRINCESS, YOU LITTLE UNGRATEFUL SHIT.
BETTER STEP DOWN BEFORE YOUR NECK GETS SLIT.
“On second thought, it didn’t sound all that bad...
Maybe even start a new fashion fad
So I went along with my idea in the first place
And instead of being boring and creating a new race-
“I CREATED KITTENS.”
“Because fuck you I’m Princess Codestia.” he finished. “Also, you’re smitten.”
And then Jim died.
He woke up underwater. “Where am I?” he asked himself. “Holy fuck! I’m underwater! I’m gonna fucking drown!” Jim panicked, but he found that he could breathe. “Unholy fuck! And that makes sense, ‘cause, you know... Hell... heh.” he said. Jim looked at his body and found that he wasn’t a human. “Oh crap! This is worse then Hell!” he said, with incorrect word use.
HE WAS A MOTHAFUCKIN’ SEAPONY!!!1!one
Suddenly, another seapony swam up to him, this one purple. “Hi! Welcome to Seaponytownvillecitytown!! I’m Twilight Spadefish!!”
“Fuck, you talk?!” said Jim.
“You shouldn’t curse that much!” said Spadefish. “The little sea foals will hear!”
“Fuck you, bitch! I can talk however I want, since I’m a SEAPONY” Jim said with a cute giggle. “Wait, what the fuck was that? I DIDN’T MEAN TO GIGGLE. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? FUCK! SHIT!” He screamed in anger. And then he realized he was talking with a female voice. “Fuck.” (Editors Note: It’s a sexy Tara Strong voice.)
“What’s your name?” asked Spadefish, hesitantly.
“Jim,” said Jim.
“Jim?” asked the sea pony.
“Ye-” he started. I’m a female now... so since I have boobs, I might as well have a booby name. Um... Don’t show him your boobs.
“I lied! My name is Kim,” Kim said.
“Oh my... uh, Kim, then.” Twilight slowly said, confused. “Do you want me to show you around the city of Seaponytownvillecitytown?”
Kim sighed. “Sure. I don’t have anything else to do.”
MEANWHILE, IN THE TOOLSHED
“Sooooooooooooooooooooon? Have you seen Jiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim? I can’t seem to fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind him.”
“No, Dad. He left around an hour ago, swearing uncontrollably because he has coprolalia.”
“HE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOES?!”
“Nay, thou!.”
“Ooooohhhhhh.”
“Yeah.”
“Ooooooooooooookay.”
“…”
“…”
“We should go find him.”
“Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?”
“Because. He could cause chaos with all of his ‘fuck’s and ‘shit’s.”
“Ooooooooooooookay.”
And so they left. Where to? The highway, I guess.
Aquestria...
“I’m fucking hungry. What kinds of shit is there to eat here?”
“Um... we have... uh... I don’t know what I eat.”
“HOLY FUCK. I WANT A STRAWBERRY.”
“But I just said there was nothing t-”
“STRAWBERRY FLAVOR.” At this point, Kim suddenly realized her sea pony sex hormones were kicking in because they work like that. She had to be careful from now on; everything was a conversational landmine. No sexual innuendo whatsoever.
Spadefish saw the contorted expression on Kim’s face. “Is everything alright?”
“I’m not alright, I use my left hand sometimes!” Kim yelled out of nervousness. (Editors Note: Ba-dum-tish!)
“What.” replied Spadefish.
“Nothing. Nothing at all.” Kim realized that shit was getting out of hand, and the only person who could make matters better was her and her alone.
“What’s wrong?” asked the lavender unicorn sea pony.
“Fuck you!” said Kim and she ran away. Kim went off to see if she could find something to eat. Eventually, she wandered into Sweet Seaweed Acres, where she was suddenly greeted by Seaweed Jack(off)fish.
“Howdy do, partner?” asked Seaweed Jackfish.
“Oh fuck, it’s a redneck!” said Jim. “They’re going to inbreed me!”
“This here’s mah ‘lil sister Seaweed Blobfish. And this here’s mah big sister Big Mackerel. And this here’s mah great grand sea pony mother Old Greeneye Smith. And there’s the rest o’ the Seaweed family!” She pointed to the fields of seaweed. “Yup! We’re one big happy family, isn’t that right, Seaweed Blobfish?”
“Y-yes...” the little sea pony said, frightfully.
“I reckon y’all wanna stay fer some lunch!” said Seaweed Jackfish.
“Uh...” said Kim.
“‘Course ya do!” said Jackfish.
“NO, FUCK YOU!” Kim began running (?) away, though it wasn’t very fast, considering sea ponies are very, very slow. Seaweed Jackfish caught up.
“Aren’t ya gonna stay for brunch?” Seaweed Blobfish begged, her eyes watering.
“Aw...” Kim said. “NO! And fuck you.” She then teleported using her magical horn.
She ended up in the middle of Seaponytownvillecitytown, when suddenly, she fell into some mud, despite being underwater. Suddenly a rainbow-colored sea pony swam near in a bubble.
“You look muddy,” said Rainbow Fish, the rainbow fish.
“No shit,” said Kim. Rainbow Fish popped her bubble on Kim and suddenly she wasn’t muddy.
“There you go, buddy!” Rainbow Fish said.
“‘Kay thanks, bye,” Kim then ran away at as fast as a sea pony could go.
“Hey, wait up!” Rainbow Fish called out.
Run away, run away, run away! Kim thought. But alas, sea ponies are very, very slow, and Rainbow Fish caught up to him. Her. Whatever.
“Don’t you want to know who I am?” Rainbow Fish asked proudly.
“No, and I don’t fuckin’ care.” She teleported away using her alicorn sea pony magic. Unfortunately, Rainbow Fish was the fuckin’ fastest thing (other than a torpedo) in Aquestria, even faster than the speed of teleportation.
“I’m the fastest sea pony in Aquestria!” said Rainbow Fish, proudly.
“Holy shit, how did you find me?” Kim said.
“I’m faster than the speed of teleport,” Rainbow Fish said, puffing out her chest.
“Fuck you!” She then walked away and, trying to find a way to flip Rainbow Fish off.
“You’re cute!” said Rainbow Fish.
“Fuck,” said Kim, realizing the sea pony’s true intent.
“Yeah, she’s right!” Spadefish’s voice called out from behind them.
Then Floundershy went up to them “Um... Hi?”
“HOLY AQUESTIA, IT’S FLOUNDERFISH!!” Rainbow Fish and Spadefish screamed, running away.
Then Raride showed up. “Oh, aren’t you a charmer?” she said to Kim.
“WHAT DID I DO IN LIFE TO DESERVE THIS?!” She thought about what she said to God in an earlier life. “Oh, right.”
“Do you want to party?!” said
“Yeah, pard’ner,” said Seaweed Jackfish.
“MAKE IT STOP, DEAR Princess Codestia, MAKE IT STOP!” Kim said, cowering.
“Fuck you!” Princess Codestia’s deep voice reverberated in her mind.
Kim then got clever. “Hey, if you love me, why don’t you do something for me?”
“Sure!” Spadefish said.
“So, uh... How do I become a human? And a male. With... You know, a penis.” Kim replied hesitantly, not honestly knowing if she would like to be a male again.
“Oh. Well, I am MAGICAL, so I can change you back to a human, but it won't be permanent.” The pointy-ass Spadefish said with a tinge of worrisome.
“WELL THEN DO IT, BITCH.” Yelled Kim.
“Well I would, if I knew what a human was,” replied Twilight.
“DAMN IT!” said Kim, and she drew a stick figure in the sand with her fin.
The pointy Spadefish tried with all her might, and magically turned Kim back into a human! Sadly, Kim realized she couldn’t breathe underwater. You know, being a human and all.
“GARBLGRABLGBALRBGLABRGLBARLGBA-” Kims lungs filled with water until suddenly she could breathe! (Because magic, fuck you.) (Editor’s Note: Filling your lungs up with water and then trying to breathe in will allow your filtration system to fail. Utterly. And then you can breathe water! Try it!)
Kim checked out her own body, looking at her physical features. Predictably, she was a stick figure. “Damn it!”
Then she suddenly drowned for no apparent reason. But instead of going to hell, he was resurrected in Aquestria again. “That’s Karma, bitch!” God called out.
“OH COME ON!” Kim yelled.
“Hello, you must be new!” Twilight Spadefish said to her.
“What? I’ve already met you!” Kim yelled.
“Um... No we haven’t,” Twilight said, confused.
Kim then created a mirror using her magic, and saw that her facial features were completely different. “OH SHIT!!” she yelled.
“Hey, you’re kinda cute!” Twilight said.
“NO! NO, I’M FUCKING NOT!”
“You don’t have to be so hard on yourself!” Spadefish said.
Kim then strangled herself to death again, and was resurrected in Aquestria again. “FUCK! WHY, GOD! WHY ARE YOU SO CRUEL?!”
“Have you learned your lesson?” God’s voice rumbled.
“YES! PLEASE, JUST SEND ME TO HELL! I DON’T DESERVE THIS!”
“...Okay.”
“Woo-hoo!” She strangled herself again, but was resurrected in Aquestria again.
“Ha! Just kidding!”
“FFFFUUUUUUUU--”
