The Walrification Bureau

by A Large Handsome Walrus

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Romance, Comedy, Tragedy, Slice of Life, Human
Length: 1271

Meet Fabio, a man who has given up on the human world and decides that the only hope for his sanity is to move to the world of floppers and tusks.

Meet Fabio, a man who has given up on the human world and decides that the only hope for his sanity is to move to the world of floppers and tusks.

Part of the Wallyverse

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-15 03:12:24 UTC

Blood and Tusks

The sun was shining bright and the birds were singing; It truly was a beautiful day in Wallyville. Twilight Sparkle was preparing for tea with her friends and was using her Swag Force to arrange her home and workplace. She was still adjusting to her new Wallycorn Swagh. Her doorbell rang.

"Wowza I wonder who that could beh?" She then flopped over to the door opening it to reveal the mail-rus; He gave a mighty hahum in greeting before using his Swagh to levitate a huge crate into her home.

"This must be my package from Earth!" She used her Swagh to open the side panel. A small Filipino child emerged.

"Holas meses Spickle!" The poor lad was obviously starving, but there was work to be done so his lunch would have to wait. Three gentle knocks sounded from the door.

"I wonder who that could be? Oh Pablo! Answer the door please?" Pablo nodded briskly and went to open the door. Twilight was still admiring her new wings.

"Today is going to be the best day ever!"

Fabio was a simple man. He had plenty of friends. Was always the life of the party. Mom had just been given the all clear from a life threatening illness and was going to enjoy a big family dinner later in the evening to celebrate. But best of all he had just gotten his favourite film on Blu Ray! He made a Facebook post about it.

"ZOMG THE WICKER MAN IS THE BEST FILM EVER #praisecage" He waited patiently for about 10 seconds.

"Only 83 likes?! I'm gonna go kill myself!" Fabio jumped out of his window and ran straight for the road, he didn't wait for the green man to come on and was hit by a pimped out 1980s Ford Fiesta.

He was flying through the air. His life flashing before his eyes. He remembered a particular memory of his 10th birthday back on the 11th of September, 2011.

"Fuck you dad! I didn't want the fucking gay as fuck white fucking iPod! My motherfucking friends are all going to be fucking laughing at me for fucks sake! God no wonder mom started fucking James behind your fucking back! Jesus!"

"I'm sorry son they had none in stock!"

"Don't give me any of that fucking bullshit you motherfucking donkey fucker! You should have went to the fucking shops in Chicago you fucking bellend!"

"But that's more than 200 miles away!-"

I don't fucking care you inbred fucking fag enabler! Just go right now!" Fabio then through his grandmothers urn right at his fathers foot.

"OK, OK! I'll go!" He then ran out of the house started up his car and drove out of the driveway.

"That kid can be a bit of a lose cannon sometimes" He said with in a daze. Waking up from his daydream he never noticed he was driving on the wrong side of the road. And a truck was heading straight for him...

Fabio still hasn't gotten his black iPod. He was now lying mangled at the side of the road, he could here people screaming and sirens in the distance.

"It's such a waste of life master" The penguin servant said to the Great Sexy One.

"Oh don't worry about him Theodore, we've got A LOT in store for him..." The Great Sexy One replied giving a deep throaty laugh that could have cause an orgasm twice as powerful as the Tunguska Event, Hiroshima and Morgan Freeman combined.

Twilight opened her door to reveal one of her friends waiting on the other side.

"Flutterwalrus!" The gentle pinniped recoiled at her friend's loud greeting.

"E-Eh yes it's me" Flutters replied, her voice wavering slightly.

"Why you here so early? The party isn't for another hour!"

"T-the rent on that f-fucking cottage is huge! Some of the banks goons came knocking and I slipped out the back." Flutterwalrus answered.

"Oh okeh make yourself at home then I guess lawl." Twilight said and then ordered her slave to make some tea as they awaited the rest of their friends.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Fabio's body began to flicker back to life...

Beep.

He attempted to open his eyes but was immediately blinded by a bright light...

His eyes adjusted and were greeted by a white ceiling. Looking to the side he could see an assortment of medical equipment and charts. At the bottom of his bed was a middle aged man shifting though various pieces of paperwork.

"Ehhh, excuse me?" The man looked up.

"Si no tengo por favor" He started looking through his notes again.

Fucking Canadians

Fabio sighed removing himself from the bed, he was surprisingly well for someone who had been hit by a car that can only be described as concentrated swag. He saw a newspaper on a table, the headline read "NEW WORLD HOSPITABLE" The paper was from a few weeks ago. Fabio dismissed it as stoner news. Their was a locker containing his apparel(It's a feature of Obamacare look it up).

He started walking down the corridor. The date was the 4th of September 2013, one week before Fabio's 12th birthday. He hated parties. He hated people. He hated sex. He hated his 5 year old son. He hated everything and everybody. He took out some weed and took a deep puff to get his head straight, it reminded him of the time when he accidentally ejaculated inside his fuck buddy getting her pregnant.

"Fucking bitch" She was due to give birth in 6 months "she's probably going to leave me with the bastard as well." He took another puff of his joint. He took out his wallet.

"Shit, no coke." This sent him into a fit of depression "Damn, I wish it was a Ford Focus that hit me, At least that would have killed me"

Fabio saw a peculiar new building.

"The fuck is a conversion bureau?" He thought out loud. "Fuck it #yolo #swagh" he shouted and walked in to the building. He was immediately blinded by the amount of #swagh in the room. There were walruses everywhere. He approached the receptionist.

"Hello my name is Dicksponge McYoloswag"

"W-what is this place?" Stuttered out Fabio.

"This is the centre of all things big and sexy on Earth! This is where all the washed out and down on their luck humans go to start a new life in the land of Sexy!"

Fabio was intrigued. "How does one go to this world?"

"Simple! We just have to inject you with the elements of swag!"

"Elements of swag?"

"Apple juice, vodka, Pepsi and Morgan Freeman's hair."

"Fuck it give it to me lul #yoho"

Dicksponge proceeded to take out a rather large needle. It was literally glowing with swagh.

"Listen to me now Fabio, once you take this there is no going back you hear me?"

"Yea lul" Fabio shrugged. The walrus then injected Fabio with the needle. He couldn't feel anything at first until his vision started to blur. His feet started to shake uncontrollably the room started to warp and distort, change colours. He was getting light headed. He lost his footing hitting the ground. The world was fading to black. Fabio thought this was the end. But in reality, his story has only just begun.

Twilight Spickle was enjoying tea with her friend Flutterwalrus when she felt a disturbance in the swag force; She shivered.

"What's wrong Twilight?" Flutterwalrus asked in her usual soft voice.

"I dunno lul #swah #yohlo" She then injected more heroin into her tea.