Except a Ban on Inter-Species Marriage
Rarity nervously knocked on the door of the Ponyville Library one day. She wore a large-brimmed hat on her head and a red dress on her body. She glanced furtively around as she waited for an answer.
Hopefully nopony has seen me, she thought.
Twilight Sparkle opened the door.
"Oh hi, Rarity! Nice dress!" Twilight loudly greeted, smiling. Rarity winced at the volume of Twilight's voice.
"SHH!" she whispered, pressing her hoof to her lips, "Not so loud. I don't want anypony to know I'm over here! Why do you think I'm wearing this disguise?"
"Well, your disguise isn't helping. I mean, it conceals your mane pretty well, but you're kinda the only pony around here who normally wears clothes to begin with," Twilight observed.
"True," Rarity conceded.
"Why are you coming here in secret, anyway?" Twilight asked, raising a brow.
"Well, that is a secret as well. I must speak to Spike at once. Sorry, Twilight, but this is something that not even you may know!"
Twilight raised her brow. "Uh... Okay. Come on in. I think he's asleep over on his bed. I worked him pretty hard yesterday."
Rarity trotted over to the door to Spike's bedroom. He was actually awake, and engrossed in reading a comic book.
"I'll just be over at the quill shop if you need me," said Twilight, walking out the front door.
Once she was gone, Rarity opened Spike's bedroom door and spoke, "Hello, Spike."
"Huh?" Spike's head jolted up from his comic book. His eyes darted over to Rarity, then over to his messy room.
"Um, just a moment!" he said, blushing as he ran around the room, picking up loose soda cans and chip bags.
"Spike, I have a confession to make," said Rarity as Spike started making his bed.
He glanced up as she walked over closer to him.
"I love you."
Spike stopped in his tracks. His jaw dropped to the floor. After he picked it up and reattached it, he grinned and said, "Me too! I've had a secret crush on you for years!"
"Well, I don't think 'secret' is the proper word to describe it, but yes," Rarity answered, "And for years, I never felt it back. But now, I find myself as enamoured with you as you are with me."
"Really? That's great!" said Spike, leaning in towards Rarity and pursing his lips for a kiss.
"But no one must EVER know!" insisted Rarity before their lips made contact.
"But... why?" Spike asked, drawing back.
"Because. You are a dragon, and I am a pony. Our love will never be accepted by society! Why do you think that I wore this disguise over here?"
"Uh... to tell me a secret in the privacy of my room that no one would know that you came over here to tell me, even if you hadn't been wearing the disguise when you walked here?"
"EXACTLY! That's how secret it is!" exclaimed Rarity.
"Are you sure? I mean, ponies in general are pretty accepting of me, even though I'm a dragon. And you're a famous fashion designer who's saved Equestria many times! Why would they have a problem with us being together? Ponies are the most tolerant people ever."
"Hmm..." said Rarity, pausing for a moment. "Perhaps you are right. I guess I let my dramatic side take over, as I am wont to do. We can openly date if you want."
"That's the spirit!" Spike exclaimed, "Everypony knows that there's nothing wrong with two people being together, whether they are both ponies or not! I'll bet nopony will even have a problem with it."
They would.
*****
Spike and Rarity had been dating for two months. They were often seen in public together, Spike holding Rarity's hoof. After they realized how silly they looked while doing that, and after Rarity kept tripping when she tried to only walk with three hooves, they switched to just having Spike ride on Rarity's back.
Most of the time that they kissed in public, nopony said anything. They got a few stares, but figured that most ponies were okay with it. Rarity began to wonder why she had been so worried to begin with.
One day, they were walking in the park together when Spike said, "Rarity, I have something I have to ask you."
"Hmm?"
Spike knelt down onto his knee, reached into his dragon pocket, and pulled out a small box. He opened the box, and inside was a diamond ring.
"Will you marry me?"
"Oh, Spike! It's gorgeous! Of course I'll marry you."
They kissed.
Spike said, "Yeah, I'm so happy! I would have proposed earlier, but I ate the diamonds off of the last two rings. Sorry about that, but they just looked so delicious! That one does, too, but you mean more to me than having a snack."
"Aww, how sweet! Thank you, Spikey-Wikey," said Rarity, "Let us go to the courthouse and get our marriage license from the notary."
"Sounds good. Then we can make plans for the wedding."
*****
A wooden block slammed down, stamping the giant red word "DENIED" on the marriage license application.
"DENIED!" the public notary shouted, and he floated the sheet of paper towards them.
"Really? Do you have to shout the word as well?" Rarity asked.
"Actually, yes. That's the law."
"Oh."
The notary continued, "The law also says that you two can't get married."
"What!?" Spike yelled, "Is it because I'm too young?"
"Actually, no. You can get married as early as age 13 in Ponyville! No, it's because you two aren't the same species. Marriage is only between a pony and a pony. Or a dragon and a dragon. But a pony and a dragon? Not happening."
"So two teenagers who have a middle school crush and will most likely end up divorced anyway can get hitched, but an adult pony and an adult dragon can't?" Spike asked.
"Exactly! You can also marry your first cousin, provided that you are both the same species. But not you two."
"UGH!" Rarity scoffed, "Why, I never!"
"Look, lady," said the notary, "I don't make the laws. I just enforce 'em. If you want to change the law, go to your elected officials. Next, please."
Rarity and Spike trudged away dejectedly as two unwashed high school dropout ponies, one of whom was pregnant, both of whom had several teeth missing and whose breath stank of alcohol, walked past them. The pregnant one was also smoking an entire pack of cigarettes at once.
Just as they walked out the door, Spike and Rarity could hear the notary shout "APPROVED!"
*****
Rarity sobbed as they walked from the courthouse back to the carousel boutique. "Why, of all the things that could happen, this is--"
"The worst possible thing?" Spike asked.
Rarity answered, "Not quite the worst thing, but it's up there high on the list. I don't know, I think that being paralysed from the neck down would be the worst. This is definitely number two, though."
"Actually, that wouldn't be so bad. If you were a quadriplegic, you could still do stuff with your magic."
"True, and I am quite skilled with telekinesis... Hmm, you are right. I suppose that the only thing that would change is that rather than walking I'd be in a wheelchair, and have to push it around with magic," Rarity mused.
Spike said, "But not getting married? That means that our love will never be recognized by the government! We'll be second-class citizens! We can't file joint tax returns, or share a last name, or adopt children, or pass property down to them."
"You're right!" Rarity answered, "So yes, I guess that not getting married really is THE. WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!"
"Unless we can get the law changed," said Spike.
"Through the magic of friendship?" asked Rarity.
"Uh, I was thinking more along the lines of the magic of protests. We just need to get a group of similar minded people outside city hall and get the mayor to change the law!"
"Then this would no longer be the worst possible thing! But then what would?"
"Um... losing all your friends in a carriage accident?" Spike suggested.
"Yes, that sounds correct," said Rarity.
"Now let's get all the like-minded ponies, zebras, griffons, donkeys, mules, cows, and dragons that we can!" Spike exclaimed.
*****
"What do we want?"
"Marriage!"
"When do we want it?"
"NOW!"
Spike held a megaphone to his mouth as he stood on the steps of city hall, getting the crowd to chant. It was a diverse bunch, and included dozens of ponies as well as dozens of creatures of all types. They held picket signs in their magic, hooves, beaks, claws, and tentacles.
Finally, the mayor emerged from city hall, standing up on the steps to city hall.
"People, please! Ponyville already has a zoo!" she yelled.
"That's not what we want! We want to get married! Legalize inter-species marriage!" Rarity yelled into Spike's megaphone. The crowd cheered.
"Hmm. Well, this is quite an interesting change to the law. But, who am I to deny true love? I will get the city council to draft a change to Ponyville's marriage laws."
"NOT SO FAST!"
The mayor and the people in the crowd turned around to see a group of ponies walking over, carrying picket signs of their own. However, rather than signs supportive of inter-species marriage, these signs were against inter-species marriage.
"It looks like we have some disagreement. Who are you?"
"We don't want this law passed!" one mare yelled.
"Well, why?" the mayor asked. One stallion walked forward.
"Mayor Mare, My name is Hugh Jassle, and these are ponies who I have gathered to protest inter-species marriage! It's a sin against the laws of nature! As a pastor, I won't marry them in MY church! Dragons are evil and destructive. CELESTIA HATES DRAGS!"
"CELESTIA HATES DRAGS!" the crowd chanted.
"No I don't."
The crowd turned around as Celestia descended from the sky.
"I'm actually okay with dragons, as long as they don't pollute the air by snoring smoke. And I don't mind if dragons and ponies get married."
"YAY!" the crowd of pro-inter-species-marriage ponies cheered.
Celestia held up her hoof, "Not so fast. I don't write marriage laws. That's a local issue; it's not a federal one. I have no power here."
"What? Why ever not?" Rarity asked.
"Because then ponies would accuse me of violating the sovereignty of local and state government, and their right to make their own laws," she answered. "I've always left marriage law to the states and cities. They are the ones who issue marriage licenses. If I interfere now, they would see it as me trying to grab more power for myself."
"But by not acting, you're violating our right to marry who we chooooose! You have to dooooo something!" a cow in the crowd urged.
"Exactly. Either way, I lose. And either way, I get called a tyrant. So I choose to do nothing. Sorry!"
In a blinding flash of light, Celestia disappeared.
"Well," announced the mayor, "We seem to be at an impasse. So, I shall be holding a town hall meeting next week to discuss the issue. You all are welcome to attend and make your voices heard. The city council and I will be making a final decision after receiving public input."
*****
The town hall filled up as ponies from all walks of life entered. There were far more ponies here than had been at the protest. The room had been divided into halves; the left half was for those for inter-species marriage, and the right half were for those opposed. There was an equal number on both sides.
At the front of the room, the mayor as well as the city councilponies sat. The mayor slammed a gavel on the desk. She spoke, "Attention. This town hall meeting will come to order. Now, I shall give each side the chance to speak in turn. One pony from the left shall speak, then from the right. Then we will continue the debate until the city council and I have decided whether or not to to draft a law and, if so, which law we shall draft. All I ask is that you do not speak over each other."
"Now, let's begin with the left. You have caused quite a social movement here. Why do you wish to change the law?"
Rarity stood up and spoke, "I believe that true love isn't determined by species; it's determined by what's in your heart. Spike the dragon loves me, and I love him, and I believe we should be able to be married so that we can share property, file taxes jointly, see each other in the hospital, adopt children, and pass on property to each other and our children. The fact that I'm a pony and he's a dragon is irrelevant."
"A compelling argument. The right, what is your position? Why should the law be kept the same?"
Hugh Jassle stood and spoke, "Marriage is between a pony and a pony, or a dragon and a dragon. We can't just go changing the definition of marriage. Dragons are dangerous. We don't want them living in our midst, marrying our mares and stallions, or it will only be a matter of time before they try to destroy the town!"
"Hey, I only did that once!" Spike yelled.
"We also should say that marriage is a religious institution, and that churches like mine shouldn't have to marry drags!" Hugh added, "Dragons are evil and wicked and sinful!"
"Hey, aren't you the pony that I slept with over at the DragInn off of Route 72? You still haven't paid me for that!" A dragon from the left said, flying over to meet Hugh Jassle.
"Um... I don't know what you're talking about!" yelled Hugh.
"Nopony stiffs me!" she screamed, breathing fire on him, setting his mane alight. He ran screaming towards the front door of the town hall and out the door, smoke from his blazing mane trailing him as he ran.
"I guess you could say that Jassle's a flaming dragonsexual," said Spike.
"Well, that was... interesting. Let's get back on track, shall we?" the Mayor urged.
"We apologize, madame Mayor," said a mint green unicorn who rose up to speak, "Ponies like Hugh Jassle don't represent the average pony on the right, just as that dragon prostitute doesn't represent the average pony on the left."
"Agreed," Spike said.
The unicorn continued, "My name is Lyra Heartstrings. I do think that traditional marriage should be kept between a pony and a pony. That's the way it's been for thousands of years. Why change tradition?"
"I agree!" her wife, Bon Bon, yelled.
"But we're in love!" said Rarity.
"I just don't understand you ponies, wanting to marry dragons or griffons or whoever you want," said Cranky Doodle Donkey, "Matilda and I have been happily married for years. Different species marriage cheapens the value of real marriage."
"You're just old and don't like change!" said a pony from the left.
"Besides, you know what else cheapens the value of marriage? Divorce, or being able to marry at thirteen when you're too young to know if you're really in love or it's just hormones. Let's ban those, too!" another pony from the left said.
"Okay," Cranky agreed, missing the sarcasm from the left.
"So it seems that the right has a problem with redefining marriage, but the left has a problem with not getting the benefits of said marriage," said the Mayor, "What about a whole new type of partnership that has all of the benefits of marriage, but isn't actually called marriage? Some sort of union that can cause the left and right to agree and be civil with each other... Wait, I've got it! Let's call it a schmeetzarplex."
"I don't think so!" Spike yelled, "I didn't ask Rarity to 'schmeetzarplex' me. I asked her to marry me! We're not second class citizens!"
"Spikey-Wikey, don't throw away our chance at compromise, because then if we lose marriage, we lose everything!" Rarity whispered in his ear.
"Aha. So, we get to the real truth of the matter," yelled Bon Bon, "This was never ABOUT seeing each other in the hospital or jointly filing taxes. It is and always has been about societal acceptance for your sick, abnormal lifestyle. Well I don't accept it!"
"Honey, be nice to them," Lyra Heartstrings whispered in Bon Bon's ear.
"You're just intolerant and a bigot who doesn't understand true love!" Spike shouted.
"No, I just know where to draw the line. What's next? Will you want to marry your sister? True love, right? How about marrying multiple ponies? What about marrying a goat?
"Baaaaahctually," a goat from the left stood up and bleated, "I'm in love with a minotaur, Iron Will."
"Then he can marry another minotaur!" Bon Bon shouted.
"THERE ARE NO OTHER MINOTAURS! Iron Will shouted, "I'm the last of my kind! Let me marry a goat, or I'll slit your throat!"
"Hey, no threats of violence, please!" the mayor said.
"Don't threaten my wife!" Lyra shouted, and ran over to the left, punching Iron Will in the gut with her hoof.
Suddenly the entire town hall burst into violence, as ponies and dragons and other creatures threw punches, kicks, magical beams, and fire breath at each other.
"PEOPLE, PLEASE STOP!" the mayor shouted. No one stopped.
"Ugh..." she groaned, "You people are impossible." She turned to the city council, discussing an idea with them. They nodded their ideas as they passed around a sheet of paper, each one signing it until the mayor took a quill in her mouth and signed it.
"WE'VE PASSED A NEW LAW!"
The whole crowd stopped fighting.
"Yes, I have signed a law which is sure to please both sides equally."
The whole crowd went silent.
"I've abolished marriage. No more marriage for anypony."
The whole crowd began angrily shouting at her.
She continued, "Since neither side appears willing to concede, not even to my reasonable compromise of schmeetzarplexes, we have decided that the only solution is to get rid of the issue entirely by simply getting rid of marriage. Now nopony has anything to argue about."
"But how will we..." Spike started.
"Share a last name? Go to the courthouse and change your name. Pass on property? Write a will. File taxes jointly? Just file a separate return, just like single people have to. Adopt children? Do it the same way single people do it."
"But that's a hassle," said Rarity.
"That's how single people do it, and we manage," said the mayor.
"But then Matilda and I will have to pay more in taxes!" Cranky Doodle moaned, "Since the rates on married filing jointly are lower than single filing separately."
"So now we have TRUE equality," said the Mayor, "Single ponies and ponies who are in love are now treated the same come tax day. If you work but your partner doesn't, just claim them as a dependent."
"But how will Spike and I make our love official?" asked Rarity.
"Go to a church and get married there. Though ponies like Hugh Jassle might not marry you, there are more accepting churches than his."
"But..."
"I know. The solution that pleases everpony. Aren't I brilliant?" the Mayor beamed, "All of you were too busy arguing to think of this. Since most of you were married, nopony had a single pony's perspective on the whole thing like I do. Good thing I'm the mayor!"
And with that, the ponies filed out of the town hall, and nopony had anything to argue about anymore.
"Well, that's okay, I don't need a piece of paper to know that you love me," said Spike.
"Me neither!" said Rarity, as they both laughed.
