The Bun, The Oven and The Muffin Man
Alright, another quick oneshot idea that wormed its way into my head and refused to leave until written. Enjoy!
My Father had a profound influence on me…
He was a lunatic.
-Spike Milligan
The Bun, the Oven and the Muffin Man
Spike was trapped.
He tried to step back, but the horde closed in, cutting off any chance of escape. He gulped nervously, his hands shaking as he held tight to the object that his friend had entrusted to him.
‘Okay, Spike,’ he thought to himself. ‘You can do this. You gotta be brave. You gotta be tough! You gotta…’
He yelped in surprise as an impatient doe lunged in and tried to snatch a sugar cube from the bowl. Likewise encouraged, the others pressed in closer to try their luck. With no better option, Spike snatched up a handful of the treats and tried distributing them to the crowd of animals.
“Alright, calm down, there’s enough for everyone! Okay, here you… wait! Put those back! Hey, knock it off!”
Unfortunately, his attempts at crowd control were quite ineffective. Despite Spike’s best efforts, he was bumped and jostled and all but stampeded by the numerous creatures, each one trying to get hold of the tasty tidbits.
Spike knew his only chance was a daring escape. He just had to charge right through them, dodging and jumping and weaving until he was in the clear. Just like in the Daring Do books! Gritting his teeth, he raced forward. For a couple seconds, the plan seemed to be working… until his luck ran out when he tripped over a rather devious badger. He fell flat on his back, the bowl upending and covering him with the delicious sugary treats.
And then the feeding frenzy began. Eyes glinting with hunger and mouths slavering they swarmed upon the helpless dragon and… began to lick him into submission.
Needless to say, it was a tremendous blow to Spike’s masculinity when he was later discovered by Fluttershy, buried beneath a pile of assorted furry critters and laughing his head off.
“Oh dear,” he heard from somewhere above the mass of fur. “Um, excuse me, pardon me. Can you please step aside? Oh my, um, hold on Spike, I’m coming!”
And then, like a rescue line thrown to a drowning swimmer, two yellow hooves reached in and scooped him up. As she lifted him into the air, Spike sighed in relief, all too thankful to be free of the torturous tickling of those terrible tongues.
He flopped onto Fluttershy’s back. “The snacks have been delivered,” he reported weakly.
“Thank you so very much, Spike,” the pegasus said with a smile. “I’m quite grateful for your help, and I know my little friends are too. They didn’t give you too much trouble did they?”
He couldn’t help but smile back. “Nah, but I did get to learn what an ice cream cone feels like!”
Fluttershy laughed and began maneuvering back through the crowd, pausing occasionally to offer food or water to the animals. The large number of houseguests was the result of an unfortunate disaster the night before. A routine thunderstorm had quickly grown out of control, spreading over Ponyville and the nearby woodlands. Several lightning strikes had lead to a minor forest fire, and though the blaze had been quickly extinguished, it did leave a few dozen animals temporarily displaced.
Fluttershy, to nopony’s surprise, had agreed to personally care for and relocate each of the homeless creatures. Spike, knowing full well that his friends were incurable workaholics (except Pinkie and Dash, thank goodness) quickly volunteered to lend his assistance.
In retrospect… that might not have been the best idea. Spike could handle books. He could handle pastries. He could even handle pins in the posterior. But getting surrounded and licked half to death? Not his idea of a good time.
Luckily, Fluttershy had control of the situation. Spike was perfectly content to lounge on her back until she’d finished making the rounds.
“Sheesh, I don’t know how you do it,” he exclaimed as they returned to her cottage. “It’s like how you have some kind of crazy, animal hypnotizing power!”
“Well, helping animals is my special talent after all,” she said with a giggle.
That gave Spike an idea. “Speaking of talents, how about I whip us up something for lunch?”
Fluttershy ducked her head, mane covering her reddening cheeks. “Oh, tha… that’s alright Spike. You’ve already been such a big help today, I couldn’t ask you to do more.”
He smiled at her objection. Typical Fluttershy. “First, you’re not asking me anything, I want to do it.”
“And second,” he grimaced at the memory. “I didn’t exactly help out that much. Just spilled sugar on myself and nearly got eaten before you rescued me. So let’s pretend that just never happened and I make you lunch as a way of helping out?”
Fluttershy finally peeked out from behind her mane with a nervous smile. “Okay then, I’d be very glad if you made lunch for us.”
“Coming right up!” Spinning on his heel, Spike headed towards the kitchen. He’d barely made it a couple steps when something black and white caught his eye. Looking closer, he saw it was a baby animal, barely old enough to keep its eyes open.
“Hey, who’s this little guy,” he asked. Fluttershy trotted over, her expression softening.
“Oh, he’s a little skunk kit that I rescued from the fire. Poor thing. If he wasn’t so close to the ground, the smoke might have gotten to him.”
Spike felt a small pang in his chest, wondering why the skunk was inside by itself. “So… was he all alone out there?”
“Yes. He was very lucky I found him, I don’t think he’s ready to look after himself.”
“But what about his parents? Or his family,” he asked.
The pegasus sighed. “I… I don’t know, Spike. They probably had to run from the fire and left him behind. Maybe, at least I hope they made it to a safer part of the forest.”
“What’s gonna happen to him now?”
She rubbed the tiny creature with her hoof. “Well, I’ll be his mommy I suppose. Take care of him until he’s big and strong and happy and ready to survive on his own.”
“That’s good. I bet he’ll be really happy with you.” Despite his words, Spike couldn’t help but wonder. Would the skunk realize that she wasn’t its real mother? Would it feel lonely or out of place living with an entirely different species? Would it even care? The questions only dragged his mood down further as he realized that he was asking them of himself.
He must’ve been staring off into space for awhile, because the next thing he knew Fluttershy was right in front of him, waving a hoof in front of his face.
“Huh? Oh, sorry Shy,” he said. “I guess I spaced out for a minute there.”
She gave him a worried look. “Are you alright, Spike? You were staring at that wall for a very long time.”
“Yeah, I guess I was just thinking about some things.”
“Oh… well would you like to talk about them,” she asked with a warm smile. “I don’t know if I can help, but I can at least listen.”
“Okay,” he said, letting her lead him back over to the couch. As they settled down, neither one noticed the flash of light and quiet ‘pfoof’ from behind them.
Spike looked down at his claws. “I guess seeing that little skunk made me realize how alike we are. I mean, we were both orphaned as babies, both taken in and raised by somepony else, and we’ll probably both grow up and never know where we really came from. It just made me think of all the things I don’t know, all the things I might’ve missed.”
Fluttershy pulled him into a hug. “I’m sorry, Spike. But you know, none of those things mean you have to be lonely or unhappy. I mean, you might not have your biological family, or know exactly where you came from, but think of all the things you DO have! Think of your mother, your aunt and your cousins. Think of your home back in Canterlot. Think of me and all the rest of our friends in Ponyville. Remember all the time we’ve spent together, and the adventures we’ve been on?”
“At least just think about this hug,” she said, snuggling him closer. “And ask yourself if this isn’t nice, then what is?”
Spike laughed, nuzzling against her chest. “Geez, Shy! That was the corniest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“It was, wasn’t it,” she asked with a giggle. “But I’m right, aren’t I?”
He pulled out of her embrace, still smiling. “Yeah, yeah. I guess I turned out okay after all.”
“Yep. You’re the best little dragon I know.”
He let out a sigh. “Still, it’d be nice to know what my real parents were like. Their names, what they looked like, that kind of thing. Maybe even meet them, if they’re still around. There’s so much I’d like to ask…”
Unbeknownst to them, a certain draconequus was leaning over the couch, a rare but sincere smile on his face as he listened to the dragon’s words.
“Do you think they’d like me, if I actually got to meet them?” Despite his smile, there was a hesitance in Spike’s voice. That forlorn hopelessness was the last straw, and the draconequus mustered up his resolve and vanished.
“Do you think they’d be proud of me?”
“They surely would, Spike m’boy!”
Spike and Fluttershy yelped in surprise and leapt into the air as Discord appeared before them in a handstand, his eyes twinkling mischievously.
“Discord, would you please not surprise us like that? I’ve asked you every time you came to… wait.” Fluttershy gave him a mild glare. “Were you eavesdropping on us?”
He lifted his paw and created a pile of shingles. “Just a bit, but I caught most of them.” He dropped the pieces of wood with a crash and flipped into the air, landing on one claw in front of Spike.
“You see, kiddo, I couldn’t help but notice you wondering about all these familial mysteries. I could practically see the gears in your little head spinning round and around!”
A snap of the fingers, and Spike was looking at a gerbil running in an exercise wheel. It would have been quite cute… except the wheel was shaped like a brain and the gerbil had Spike’s head.
“A fantastically amusing sight, yet somehow sad. The poor thing, running and running and yet not getting anywhere,” the draconequus lamented. “I thought: if only there were some way I could put your mind at ease. Luckily… there is!”
Another snap, and then the gerbil’s feet were adorned with tiny roller skates. The wheel continued to spin, only now the gerbil was coasting along with it. Discord set it on the floor, and they watched as it quickly sped out the open door.
“So here I am,” he declared. “A veritable font of knowledge! A volcano of wisdom! A geyser of… um… unknown stuff! Ready and willing to answer any questions about your parentage, heritage, mommy or dad!”
Spike looked up, a hopeful smile brightening his face. “Does that mean you know who my real parents are?”
“Even better,” Discord grinned. “I personally know them quite well.”
Spike jumped up from the couch in excitement. “Then you’ve actually met them!?”
Somehow, Discord’s grin managed to stretch even wider. “Ohhhhhh yes. In fact, I’ve known your father since the day we were born. And your mother… well let’s just say she and I are intimately acquainted…”
Spike ran up and grabbed Discord by the cheeks. “Who were they? What were their names? Tell me tell me tell me!”
The draconequus laughed. “It’d be my pleasure! Though I’d hate to leave your hostess all by her lonesome. Care to join us, Fluttershy?”
She gave a very light nod and hopped off the couch. “Yes, please. I mean, if that’s alright. I’m so very curious about Spike’s parents as well.”
Discord hopped back to his feet and clapped. “Excellent, excellent! The more the merrier. Although…”
He leaned down to them and put a hand over his mouth as he whispered. “If she blows her stack when she finds out, you both asked me to tell. She tries to strangle me, and I’m throwing you two under the bus!”
Before either of them could respond, he snapped his fingers and they vanished in a flash of light.
Discord teleported into the empty throne room, seating himself in Celestia’s throne and sprawling out comfortably. There were two more flashes a split-second later as Spike and Fluttershy reappeared. Unfortunately, Discord had ‘forgotten’ that neither one could magically defy gravity. With a pair of thuds, his hapless listeners dropped the last couple feet to the ground.
He scoffed. “Terrible, truly terrible! Your screams were unsynchronized, and neither one of you managed to stick the landing. Although, the way you flailed about was rather amusing, so I’ll give the whole performance a solid 4.”
Fluttershy picked herself up and fixed him with a pouting glare. “That was completely uncalled for! What if Spike or I had …” She looked around in confusion. “What are we doing in Canterlot?”
Discord wanted to throw back his head and cackle like a madman. This was going to be SO much fun. “Well, I just thought Spike would appreciate the scenery. That coming back to his old home might help put things in perspective.”
A snap of the fingers, and Spike and Fluttershy were now occupying the throne. Clasping his hands behind his back, Discord began to pace around the dais.
Where to begin? Discord knew that this was a once in a lifetime opportunity. He’d only get one chance to drop this bombshell, and he wanted to do it right!
But how?
He could just announce it directly and try to short-circuit their impressionable young minds with complete and utter surprise.
No, definitely not. That would be like chugging an entire bottle of the finest wine rather than pausing to savor its taste.
He could just dance around the subject. Drop subtle hints and clues, ladle on the innuendo until they both reached the inevitable conclusion.
Nah. He had no idea how long that would take. Considering Spike’s youth and Fluttershy’s innocence, it could be hours before they figured it out. And if Tia caught him before then…
He shuddered at the thought, but then it came to him! He could have the best of both worlds. Yes… first he’d hit them with a tantalizing tidbit. Just enough to grab their attention and maybe get a rise out of Fluttershy. Then he could meander around for a bit as they filled in the blanks, and then finally hit them with the cold, hard truth like an ice cube to the back of the neck!
With a shit-eating grin on his face, he stopped and leaned in towards Spike.
“So, you want to know who your parents are and just where you came from, is that right?”
“That’s right! I want to know everything,” Spike said eagerly.
Discord rubbed his palms together. “Good… good. Then first I think we should cover the basics. You know you came from an egg, yes?”
“Of course!”
“And that you were hatched in the school for gifted unicorns?”
Spike nodded. “Well, yeah.”
“And that you were laid in Celestia’s bedroom?”
Spike’s eyes widened. “Huh? I… I was?”
“And that you were conceived right there on that throne?”
“EEP!” Fluttershy shot straight into the air, wings beating furiously. Spike looked up at her in confusion, wondering why her face was so red and what that word ‘conceived’ meant.
Discord frowned a bit at Spike’s lack of a reaction. “Mmm, looks like I lost ya on that last part. I’m guessing Celestia never gave you ‘The Talk?’”
As cute as Fluttershy’s gasp of surprise was, the blank expression on Spike’s face made him sigh in exasperation. Well, that figured. Of course Tia probably thought he was still too young to know about sex, or maybe she was too nervous of actually telling him anything.
He found his spirits lifting at the prospect. A lecture on the procreative process? Oh, he could definitely work with that!
“The talk? Mom’s given me lots of talks,” Spike said, obviously confused. Struggling to keep his laughter in check, Discord hopped onto the throne and slung an arm around Spike’s shoulder.
“Ah, but this is a very special talk! One that all mothers give their foals when they’ve turned old enough.”
“The truth,” he whispered into Spike’s ear, waving his hand dramatically. “About where babies come from.”
Spike grinned. “Oh, that! Mom told me about that ages ago! She said that she and Auntie Luna create foals using their magic, and that sun or moonlight makes them either colts or fillies!”
He trailed off, looking down at his claws. “But she never said if the same thing happened for dragons.”
“Bah! That’s just the kiddie version of the story. Trust me; the truth is much more fun! Much more scientific! Much more… juicy.”
“Um, Discord?” Fluttershy whispered as she hovered beside him. “I don’t think you should be talking to Spike about these things. I mean… shouldn’t his mother be telling him all this?”
Discord looked at her incredulously. “Are you kidding? You know how wishy-washy she is! Spike’d be lucky to find out before his hundredth birthday.”
“Well… um… maybe it would be better that way,” she persisted.
“Fluttershy, be reasonable,” he cooed. “Think of poor little Spike. What if he finds himself a nice marefriend, and one night things start to get a little hot and heavy? You wouldn’t want him to find out then, would you? He might freak out! Might be too embarrassed to continue! Their one night rodeo would only be an eight-second ride! He’d be put out to pasture for the rest of his days! Surely you don’t want to ruin Spike’s love life, do you?”
Fluttershy hid behind her mane, cheeks bright red. “No, no! I certainly don’t want that,” she squeaked.
Discord and Spike beamed at her with identical smiles. “Good! Now then, I got some splainin’ to do!”
Lifting Spike onto his shoulder, Discord rose and gave a brief flick of his hand. The room darkened, and a large cloud of smoke floated down from the ceiling. As his audience watched, it split and formed into the shapes of himself and Celestia.
Discord cleared his throat and began lecturing in a flat, snobby voice. “You see, Spike m’boy, when an alicorn and a draconequus love each other very much… well…”
He paused, trying to figure out just what in the hell he should say. Immortality had long since caused him to forget his own introduction to sex. He began to sweat, feeling the intense stares of a pony, a dragon, and two smoke sculptures waiting for him to continue.
“Well... they like to romp,” he finally said, choosing the first verb that popped into his head.
"Romp," Spike asked, brow furrowing. "You mean like playing around?"
“Exactly!” Discord paused and tapped his chin. “Except this kind of play is more like a cross between a tickle fight, wrestling, and tongue-based saliva exchange.”
His momentum restored, he waved his claw, and the smoke forms embraced, their lips meeting in a kiss.
Spike watched in amazement as the smoke forms entwined. The draconequus began coiling and wrapping around the alicorn’s body, reminding Spike of how snakes would squeeze their prey. Beside him Fluttershy constantly averted her eyes, gasping every time she looked back.
"Does… does this mean that… that Celestia… I mean that.... that you and her... that you two…"
Discord laughed and froze the image. Looking down at Fluttershy, he gave her his most innocent smile.
"What’s that? Oh, you’re asking if this explanation is from first-hand experience, aren’t you?”
He grinned as the pegasus blushed even more. “Me? The princess? The dirty deed? Oh, thousands of times. Millions maybe.”
Fluttershy’s blush was almost radioactive, and she tried to stammer out a response as Spike looked on in confusion.
“What’s the big deal,” he asked. “I mean, it’s just hugging and kissing.”
“Well, this is a very special type of playing. And what makes it different from other types of play, or foreplay,” he explained with a snicker. “Is that it involves two special parts of the body. The necessary equipment, you might say!”
“Equipment? What’s that supposed to mean?
Discord turned back to Fluttershy, trying to think of the most delicate way to put this. He felt like he’d embarrassed her enough. Any more and the poor girl was likely to pass out then and there!
“Well, let see. Hmm, ah! You live in a library, so surely you’ve seen books on pony anatomy?”
Spike scoffed, giving his head a quick shake. “Nope. Twilight keeps them locked up. I’ve asked a couple times, but she always gets really red, says I’m too young to look at them, and then changes the subject.”
Well, that was just perfect. The student was as big a prude as the teacher. It looked as though he’d have to be a bit crass in his explanations.
“Fine, how about this?” Reaching up, he covered Fluttershy’s ears. “You know when you use the bathroom? Draining the lizard… literally in your case? Well, that thing you hold onto is one of those parts. The other part is between a mare’s legs. Understand?”
Now it was Spike’s turn to blush, claws reflexively moving to cover himself. “Well… yeah, but mom told me I shouldn’t go around talking about either of those. She said it was rude”
“But you’ve seen them, right,” Discord persisted. “You at least know what I’m talking about, right?”
Spike nodded, and Discord sighed in relief. “Good. Now, to make a baby, those two parts fit together!”
Spike’s jaw dropped. “WHAT?! How?”
“So glad you asked!” Discord hopped off the throne and kneeled beside Spike. Leaning in close, he began whispering into his ear. Unable to help herself, Fluttershy landed and stepped closer.
The few bits and pieces she could hear were enough to bring her blush back full-force. Discord was obviously trying to be as descriptive as possible, and the accompanying hand gestures only made things worse.
“And then you shove it right up her…”
Fluttershy gave a mortified squeak and toppled backwards to the floor, landing on a convenient pillow that Discord had conjured for just such an event. The draconequus grinned. One down. He continued whispering into Spike’s ear, his gestures turning more and more explicit. Spike’s face had completely drained of color, and he was staring blankly as if in a trance. Eventually Discord’s gestures ended, his expression calming… or at least as close to it as he could get.
“…and then after eleven months or so, the foal comes popping out!” Hopping to his feet, Discord gave Spike a rather pleased smile, obviously quite proud of his explanation.
“Any questions?”
Spike slumped back against the throne, glassy-eyed. A few minutes passed, and aside from the shallow rise and fall of his chest, the dragon looked completely lost to the world.
Well, that was certainly an unexpected reaction. Discord had been looking forward to squeamishness, incredulous amazement, maybe even some shrieking denial involving cooties. A verbal lobotomy had certainly NOT been his intention.
“Umm, Spike? You okay there, kiddo,” he asked, poking the dragon lightly on the shoulder. Spike’s only response was to limply flop over onto his side. Discord gulped, an unusual feeling of concern welling up in his chest. What was wrong with the boy? Had he broken him? Overloaded the fuses in his squishy little dragon brain?
“Maybe using that carrot and donut as visual aids was a bit much,” he conceded. “Still, I’ve got to snap him out of this!”
He turned to the yellow pegasus. “Fluttershy! Any suggestions?”
His only response was an unconscious gurgle
Discord frowned and slammed a fist into his palm. “Curses! We’ve tried everything. Looks like we’ll have to call in an expert opinion.”
Snapping his fingers, he created a large, spherical portal in the air and shoved his head through it.
“Bones! What sort of treatment would you recommend when dealing with a shell-shocked serpent and passed out pegasus?”
“Damn it, Jim! I’m a doctor, not a… wait. Who in the hell are you?”
He pulled his head free and collapsed the portal. “Well, he wasn’t any help. Guess it’s time to take action.”
But nothing he tried was able to rouse the dragon. The tantalizing odor of gems was ignored, rubbing his feet back and forth against the curtains and giving a static shock merely bounced Spike into the air. Even dunking him in a bucket of water was no use.
Then the answer came to him. If Spike was anything like his mother, he should be very ticklish right… about… here…
Leaning down, he began rubbing his claw back and forth against the base of Spike’s neck. The dragon squirmed and giggled, finally returning to coherency. Clutching his forehead, he groaned and managed to sit himself back up.
“Knock it off, I’m awake,” he mumbled. Opening his eyes, his jaw dropped as Discord grinned down at him. “What’s the big idea… oh.”
“Yep,” Discord repeated sarcastically. “‘Oh.’ Pretty rude of you falling catatonic on me back there! I’d better not have to explain everything again.
Spike gulped, paling slightly. “No! No that’s alright,” he said shakily. “I… I think I’ve heard enough about how babies are… made.”
“Wonderful! Then we can get back on topic about how YOU were made,” Discord said. He turned back and gave a sheepish grin to the smoke figures that were glaring at him impatiently. “Sorry, you two. Got a bit side-tracked.”
“You see,” he said with a dramatic sigh. “There is one major problem with the immortality of alicorns and draconequuses. We don’t get old, but the sex certainly does. After a few thousand years of romping, well it tends to get as stale as a week-old slice of bread.”
The smoke figures pulled apart. The draconequus fell to his knees, claws clasped and face desperate as he begged. The alicorn turned away, sighing and putting a hoof to her forehead.
“Before long, she’s complaining of headaches every night, and he has to plead and grovel to try and make her reconsider. More often than not, this leads to him being exiled to the couch.”
The smoke alicorn spun around, pointing a hoof. Head hung in defeat, the draconequus marched away with a pillow tucked under one arm
“It’s all downhill from there.” Discord’s eyes were red and puffy, his tone so morose one would think his favorite pet had been run over. “Soon the rompage is at an all-time low. We’re talking birthdays and anniversaries, at the very most! Things are looking desperate.”
“But then, like the studly Casanova he is, our hero comes up with an idea to save the day!”
The smoky draconequus strutted back into view, chest puffed out proudly. The alicorn swooned and fell into his arms as he winked at Spike.
“You see, it’s pretty easy to spice up the ole’ tamale between beings such as Celestia and myself. All that magical power gives you lots of different options, and shape-shifting is the best of all.”
Spike didn’t look convinced. “You mean turning into other stuff? Why would that be more fun?”
Discord’s smile was downright sadistic. “Kinky roleplay,” he said.
There was the loud sound of fingers snapping and Spike was blinded by a dazzling flash of light. When his vision cleared, Discord was gone. Standing before him was a muscular teenage dragon, tall and covered in bright emerald-green scales. Beside him, the smoke forms had merged into the shape of a female dragon, her scales the same bright hue as Celestia’s eyes.
The drake grinned. “Pretty impressive, eh,” it asked in Discord’s voice. “These forms were always Celestia’s favorites. She was a wild one, believe you me! We had all sorts of escapades. The dungeons, the treasury vault, that one cave in the Everfree, and of course, the throne…”
He trailed off, eyes half-lidded as a perverted grin covered his face. Shaking himself out of it, he returned to his normal shape and dispelled the smoke figure.
“Yes indeed, we made one hell of a dragon couple. But there was something we didn’t know.”
He sat down beside Spike and steepled his claws. His usual levity was gone; his tone so serious it sounded almost alien. But there was a glint in his eyes, a warmth and almost paternal pride as he looked down at the dragon.
“We always knew the risk of pregnancy still existed while transformed,” he explained. “But we never imagined that it might carry over once the process was reversed. So after our little session in here, we changed back to normal and cleaned up, never imagining that the draconic embryo would be magically sustained and continue to gestate. Heh, you should’ve seen Celestia trotting around the castle, her stomach so big it looked like she’d swallowed a beach ball.”
Spike was starting to put the pieces together. His eyes stretched wide as dinner plates. Seeing that the dam was about to burst, Discord decided to wrap things up.
“So long story short, we got to go through the whole expecting parent process. Morning sickness, mood swings, craving the most horrendous foods…” He trailed off, gagging at the memory of an onion covered in huckleberry jelly and dipped in sesame seeds. “Anyway, a year passes and your egg comes popping out. ‘Bout a decade or so later our romantic bickering takes a sour turn, I get stoned for a couple centuries, yadda yadda yadda and here we are!
Spike looked up at him in shock, seemingly torn between excitement and dread, like he expected Discord to announce it was all a prank.
“You… you can’t be serious! She isn’t, she couldn’t really be my mom. Could she,” he asked softly, not quite daring to hope.
Discord patted him on the back. “I haven’t lied to you once, Spike,” he said with a smile. “She bore you and laid you, and I promise that we couldn’t have been happier. She still regrets not hatching you as well, but then we never knew that it would require a magical discharge of equal strength to the one at your conception.”
Spike looked as though he was going to ask something else, but he froze in midsentence, his eyes bugging out.
“Wait a minute,” he said, looking back to Discord with dread. “If she’s actually my mother… then all that stuff with the smoke and the stories you were telling…”
Discord only grinned, his mischievous nature taking over. “Like I said kiddo, I haven’t lied once.”
Spike pointed a finger accusingly. “Then… then that means… that you’re… you’re…”
“I’m… I’m… I’m?” Oh this was just delicious.
“You’re my… my…”
Discord gave one last snap of his fingers, vanishing in a flash and reappearing with a black bucket over his head and brandishing a glowing red stick. Looming over the hapless dragon, he leaned down and clenched a fist.
“Ksssh… chuhhhh… ksssh… chuhhhh… Spike! I am your melodramatic, tediously overused plot device!”
“NOOOOOOOO!”
Arms pinwheeling, head thrown back in an echoing scream, Spike collapsed back onto the throne, limbs splayed in every direction and foaming at the mouth.
Discord looked between the two unconscious figures and grinned in satisfaction. He loved it when a plan came together. Spike had learned the truth, he’d kept Fluttershy from learning the secret, and his antics had caused them both to faint.
“Not a bad job, if I do say so myself,” he boasted. But his triumph was short-lived as the sound of clopping hooves came from the hallway. His head shot up in fear and dismay. He recognized those hoofsteps…
The doors to the throne room were flung open as Celestia galloped inside. “What is going on in here,” she asked. “I could have sworn I just heard somepony scream…”
She paused as her eyes met Discord’s. “Uh, morning Tia,” he said innocently, trying to block her view of the bodies.
“Discord, why are you still here,” she asked. “I thought you planned on visiting-”
She managed to look behind him, gasping in shock. “Fluttershy? And… and Spike too? What in the world is going on?”
“Just what did you do,” she demanded.
“Me,” he asked, trying to look offended. “What makes you think I had anything to do with this?”
“Discord…” she growled, advancing on him.
The draconequus gulped, but forced himself to remain absolutely still. It was a well known fact that an alicorn’s vision is based on movement. If they can’t see you, they can’t get you.
Unfortunately, Celestia seemed to be completely unaware of this fact as she stomped towards him. Her glare was fierce and unwavering, assuring him that he was in BIG trouble.
Why wasn’t it working? How could she still see him? Oh wait… maybe that only worked on T-rexes.
As his doom steadily approached, Discord realized that this was a very delicate situation. Celestia no doubt suspected the worst, and he had to be careful not to aggravate her any further. As calm and collected as she normally was, issues dealing Spike were definitely her hot buttons. In that regard, even telling the truth might lead to disaster. He had, after all, just spilled one of her deepest secrets. Something she had wanted, but been too afraid to reveal for all of Spike’s life.
Well, that cat was out of the bag now, and he was the one stuck holding it. It looked as though he only had two choices.
Option A:
Tell her the truth, using logical justification. He could explain that he had revealed the nature of their parentage because he felt Spike had attained the maturity necessary to accept it, and that further delay could lead to eventual resentment on their son’s part. He could submit the opinion that keeping it secret was unfair to both Spike and herself, and that the guilt would only continue to eat away at her and cause Spike more harm than good. With any luck, Celestia would see the merits of his actions and not murder him on the spot.
Option B:
Tell her the truth, using emotional justification. He could recount his visit to Fluttershy’s, and mention Spike’s despondency at not knowing the truth about his family. He could claim that the melancholic display had so provoked his sympathy and love that it overrode his common sense and lead him to blurt out the truth on sheer impulse. With any luck, Celestia would understand his desire for familial reconciliation and not murder him on the spot.
Discord mentally considered his options. Both were reasonable, sensible and completely appropriate to the situation. Therefore, the best choice was obviously C: Poetry Slam!
Dropping to one knee, he put a claw to his chest and flung the other arm behind him dramatically, causing Celestia to halt in surprise.
“Fear not my love, for I do have some tact! 'Twas the plight of our son, that forced me to act.”
“This morning I visited dear Fluttershy, where I also met Spike and noticed something awry.”
“I learned that our drake had been moping about, his wit and good humor replaced by a pout!”
Obviously curious to learn what had troubled Spike, Celestia sat back and warily continued to listen. If not placated, her anger had at least been subdued.
“Being down in the dumps is no place for the boy, so I tried to discern what had hijacked his joy.”
“Turns out that the fate of a lost little skunk is what sent the poor child down into a funk.”
“Spike wanted his parents, he just had to know. Who was it that made him and where did they go?”
Celestia gasped, a look of horror on her face. “Discord, please tell me you didn’t!” Giving her a saucy grin, he continued.
“It seemed quite unjust, though we never did lie, but to keep it a secret when his folks are close by?”
“You’d waited too long, though your chances were numerous! Now it was my turn to tell a tale most humorous!”
“I couldn't resist, for I pitied the lad, so I chose to reveal that I am his dad.”
“We spoke about birds, and we spoke about bees, steamy romances and royal pregnancies!”
“YOU WHAT?!” Celestia leapt to her hooves, magic sparking around her horn and eyes glowing white. Discord knew that she was on the verge of a complete meltdown, and decided he’s better wrap this up and make a hasty retreat.
“Why, I told him the truth, how he sprung from your loins! A masterpiece formed when our hips were conjoined.”
Stepping to the side, he pointed over to the unconscious dragon with an exaggerated sweep of his arms.
“But this revelation, twas beyond his restraint! He let out a howl and fell back in a faint!””
“It was good family bonding, and also quite fun. But now he's unconscious, and my duty is done.”
“I’m sure when he wakes that he’ll have much to ask. But I’ll leave it to you to accomplish that task.”
The room stank of ozone, and streams of magic sparked and crackled through the air. Giving a gentlemanly bow, Discord blew a kiss at the livid princess.
“I can see that you're angry, but all's well that end's well. So if you'll excuse me, I'd best run like hell.”
He vanished with a ‘pfoof,’ reappearing on one of the castle ramparts. Munching on a bag of popcorn, he waited for the explosion, gleefully thinking of the punishment Celestia would have in store later that night.
“It’s a good thing you take after me,” he giggled to himself. “The last thing Equestria needs is a full-grown dragon with Celestia’s temper…”
A split-second later a blinding flash of light came from the throne room, and every window shattered in the wake of a furious scream.
“DISCORD!”
Author's Note
And that's that. Been reading a few DiscordxCelestia stories recently, and somehow that lead to this particular train of thought.
I couldn't resist having another one of Spike's important familial talks go completely off the rails, and ending it on a similar note to Heart to Heart let me have a bit more fun with Celestia's temper. If there's anyone who can effortlessly piss her off, it'd have to be Discord.
Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed!
