It's Great to be "The Boss"

by Heliath-the-soul-eater

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Crossover, Dark, Alternate Universe, Human, Comedy
Length: 4989

The story of "The Boss": leader of Equestria's criminal underbelly, mastermind of the worlds biggest heists, and a connoisseur of fine wines

"The Big Boss" is the leader of the criminal underworld of Equestria, thought he doesn't have every last thing under his control he is trying his hardest to do just that, but when an opportunity to mastermind the heist of the elements of harmony… Well, he just couldn't pass that up now could he!

When his men return he is more then just displeased with them for their actions, now he has to go all the way to Canterlot to Apologize to Celestia…
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Authors Note: Rated Teen for future activities, when the humans show up, which are Marshall, Carter, and Dark Ltd. [SCP foundation] (And thus the Human tag)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-19 21:07:09 UTC

Chapter One

The Boss looked at the file folder that he had one of his many men "confiscate" from the Manehatten police department, then he chuckled as he threw it on the fire. "The less they know, the better." He sat down in his favorite chair and sipped some of his favorite cherry wine, savoring every last drop. After he finished his glass, nice and slow of course, He stood up again and calmly walked over to his office desk and sat down in that chair, "Such an exquisite piece of furniture..." Boss thought to himself, Manticore leather and Griffon feathers, framed by gold leaf mahogany."One of my favorite purchases simply for the sheer intimidation value." He shifted so the seat stopped poking into his flank, "Not the most comfortable chair though..." He brought his wine to his dark brown muzzle and breathed in deeply, "Such a fine wine, wouldn't you agree?" Then he finally lowered his emerald green eyes to the dirty, angry, grubby Diamond Dog kneeling on his carpet.

The Diamond Dog spit at him, "To Tartarus with you and your wine, you Road-Apple eating Jerk!" The Boss raises an eyebrow and smiles from under his gray pinstripe fedora.

"My, my, my, What strong language, normally I'd send you to my pets for that, but..." He took another sip of his wine, "I think we can make a deal."

The Diamond Dog spit at him again, "Not likely, you feather spewing fool!"

"I prefer the term, "Silver Tongued" myself." He responds nonchalantly as he looks at the swirling liquid in his glass, "And it would be in your best interests if you did co-operate; All I'm asking is for a small percentage of your monthly profit, and in return-" He looks back down at the grubby fool that was getting his priceless, gold-woven, Zebran carpet all dirty, "-My men won't shut you down... Forcefully."

"Not a chance, "Mr. The Boss", not for all of the gold in-"

"Suit yourself, then." The Boss flicks up a panel in his desk and hits the big green button, and with a scream the grubby Dog was no longer dirtying his carpet, but sliding down a shoot to his prized pet's little den. The trap door closed with a quiet "Ka-Chunk". "Next appointment, Rex." He says just loudly enough to be heard through the door, and a second later it pops open and a hulk of a Earth Pony pushes in a slightly battered unicorn.

"Here you are, Boss, 'nother one of them "Freelancers" your tellin' us to keep an eye out for." The Earth Pony says in a deep voice.

Boss put down his wine glass, "Ah, I see..." He looks at the Unicorn with an eyebrow raised, "At least this one was kind enough to have cleaned off his hooves first." He stood up and walked around the desk, "So I-"

"Yes, definitely, as much as you want!" The unicorn sputtered out in a single blast of air, "Ten, Twenty, Fifty, One hundred, any number you want and it-" Boss reaches along his desk and hits the big red button right beside the big green one and, as all the others, this one screamed as he slid down the tube to his prized pets' children's den.

"I don't like being interrupted." He looks up at the Earth Pony, who gulps loudly, "Is that all, Hired Muscle?"

"Y-Yes, sir, Boss, sir!" He says in a scared voice, "N-No more 'pointments t'day, Sir!"

"Then that will be all, Muscle, make sure Reggie's children are fed less..." Boss looked at the trap door, "Irritating food, will you?"

"S-Sir!"

Boss walks back to his big, comfy, leather seat and sat down to watch the last dying rays of the afternoon sun with a content sigh, when the last bit of the orange giant fades over the horizon, he turns his chair back to his desk and taps a button on the it's underbelly, causing a rectangle of light to appear a little to his right, over the large empty space on said desk. In this rectangle of light, Boss could see a familiar grubby Dog about to smash his prized pet over the noggin with a rock in a sim-forest. Boss hits another button, clears his throat and says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you, you'll just irritate him." The Diamond Dog looks around like there was a bug buzzing around his head, Boss loved it when they did that, then it spouted a ceaseless line of obscenities, which Boss Didn't like.

"When I get out of here, I'm gunna kick in your teeth, you freak!" He throws the rock in a random direction as he kicks at the dirt, "I'm gunna beat you till your black and blue, you stupid head!"

"Colorful tongue, this one has." Boss thought to himself as he watched his prized pet open a single eye on his shaggy gray head, "Oh my, you've woken up poor Reggie," The Diamond Dog's eyes go wide as he slowly turns back to the slowly awakening Manticore behind him, "He may be old, but he is the best pet a pony could ask for-" then Boss adopts a babying tone, "-Isn't that right, Reggie?" The Manticore yawns quietly, "He is also a cut above the rest of his kin; faster then a speeding Pegasai, with Toxin more powerful then the Zebran Plains Spiders... Oh, and one more thing..." Boss paused for effect, "It still leaves you with feeling as he feeds-" The manticore jumps the screaming Diamond Dog, "-Too bad all his teeth fell out years ago and I had him de-clawed and de-stinged, though I do still collect his venom." The screams cut off when Boss hit the button again, "I give him an hour before he cracks..." Then he chuckled to himself, "And a day before I check up on him." He thought about checking up on the other one, but there probably isn't even a horn left, so he decided not to bother.

Boss woke up and had a nice long, steamy, shower with a nice, long legged -and equally as steamy- Pegasus Mare with an adorable cutie mark that looked like the sun peaking over a rain cloud, though he couldn't remember for the life of him what her name was. Bah, Semantics. He thought as she lathered his dark brown mane, "That feels very nice, your doing a great job this morning, keep it up and you might get an extra bit or two." The Mare smiles brightly as she grumbles something through her teeth, "What was that dear?"

"Nothing, Nothing at all, your Boss-ness."

"It's just "The Boss", sweetie, and your right that it was nothing if you want to keep that little bonus I mentioned." After she rinsed off his mane, he wrapped himself up in a nice, fluffy, house coat that covered his Cutie Mark, A hoof taking money out of a wallet, and tossed her an extra five bit coin. "Have a nice day, don't spend it all in one place." He could feel her heated stare on the back of his neck, "And that's better then Coffee any day..." Boss walks out of his room and is instantly surrounded by three of each kind of pony; all big, all fast, and all dumber then a door nail.

"Were to, Boss?" One of the big unicorns asks.

"Were we always go in the morning, Muscle."

"Washroom it is, Boss." And after Boss had a nice, relaxing-[DATA REDACTED]- He washes his hooves and opens the door, and is instantly surrounded once more by his loyal henchmen. "Office, Boss?"

"That is correct, Muscle." And a few minutes of leisurely walking, he is there and they dissipate to continue their duties for the day: To be at his beck and call. Boss sits in his favorite chair and picks up today's paper as he sips his morning tea, and smiles the biggest grin he has smiled since he gained his prestigious position as he read the head title for the "The Manehatten Times".

Elements of Harmony on loan to the Museum of Equestian History!

The grin didn't leave his face as he took another sip of his tea, though it did come off when the tea spilled down his chest, "OUCH!" he hollers as he hops out of his chair, and the door came crashing down.

"BOSS!" The Earth Pony from yesterday was standing on the splintered remains of his intricately carved, Rosewood office door.

"Everything is fine, Muscle," He looked back at the newspaper as the grin spread across his face, "Everything is fine."

Chapter Two

Boss sighed to himself as he watched his "Master Group of Elite Thieves" (MGET for short) chattered to each other like school fillies as they stole the money of their compatriots, Boss counted that one bag of Bits had been in all six of their paws/hooves no less then four times each. Boss grew bored of their chattering and the loud report of his pointer slapping against the sheet covered cork board behind him silenced them as quickly as any order would.

"Boys, we have a chance to make history, to have our names etched up by the great Star Swirl the Bearded, or Nightmare Moon..." He trailed off for effect, "Or maybe even Celestia herself..." He pointed at his assembled thieves of highest regard, best of ability, and, most importantly, greatest loyalty. "Because, Boys..." he whispered as he leaned over in a less-then-conspicuous manner, his thieves leaned closer as well, "We are going to make the greatest heist in Equestrian history." He leaned back and grabbed the sheet, "Because, Boys, we are going to-" He pulled off the sheet and shouted to the heavens themselves, "STEAL THE ELEMENTS THEMSELVES!" The Ponies hooted and hollered, the Changling clapped like a kid watching a magic show, and the diamond dog... just kindof sat there, but that was Quick Swipe's lot in life, so Boss didn't care all too much.

"Encore!" The Changling happily hollered as his clapping came to an end.

"No." Boss stated in a no-nonsense tone.

The Changeling hung his head with a disappointed, "Oh..."

"Boys... and girl," He pointed the the lone pegasus, "Sorry about earlier, Dis, but it would have ruined the speech of I kept adding that, nothing personal." She just shrugged her dark green shoulders. "We have a chance to cement our names high in the sky..." He grinned, "And to make enough money to build mansions!" They gave him a look, mansions were expensive sure but not quite what they were hoping for, "Made of smaller mansions..." He finished lamely, That got their attention again.

His pointer tapped the top left most picture of his planning board, it was a picture of the Elements of Harmony in action against Discord, oh so long ago, "This is our target, The Elements of Harmony, The national treasures of Equestria, the key to our salvation, and yadda, yadda, yadda, so on and so forth..." The tapped the picture directly beside it, which showed the Manehatten Museum of Magical History, "They will be here, which will be child's play since I have sent each of you so many times before." They chuckled and ribbed eachother, Quick Swipe gave one of the earth ponies a raised eyebrow and the ribbing quickly stopped.

"The floor plans are the same as always and security will be tighter then ever," He smiled, "But what fun is it without a challenge, eh?" He tapped the next picture, "They will be stored in wooden crates that bear the Royal Mark," The pointer flicked up and waved as he said in a joyous tone, "Which, by the way, will be on other miscellaneous items that are free for the taking..." Then he added in a far less friendly tone, "As long as you don't leave a single Element behind..." He gestured at the floor beneath his prized Thieves feet, "You know what will happen if that happens..." He removed the scowl that had plastered all but the Diamond Dog to their seats then the let out a sigh of relief. "Any questions?"

The Changlings hoof shot up like a rocket, "I got one!"

Boss raised an eyebrow and pointed at him with the pointer, "What's your name again, I always forget it."

"Carapace!" He chirped happily, his eyes gleaming equally as joyfully, "Why don't we just knock everyone out, you know with like a gas of som-"

Boss' eye twitch was enough to silence him... and send the rest of the MGET scurrying away like rats, including Quick Swipe, Boss' tone was overly sweet as he said soothingly, "Why don't we knock them out?" Boss slowly walked towards Carapace, "Well, you see, we don't just knock anypony, dog, or changeling out to take their things, Because..." Boss reached his destination and shouted at the top of his lungs, "WE ARE NOT COMMON THUGS!"

There was silence, then the loud "Clack" of two chair legs smacking against the floor. "We do not Kill-" Boss' face shot closer to Carapace's face, "We do not trade in flesh-" his face shot even closer, "And we do NOT Just knock everyone out." he finished in a mocking tone, less then an inch from Carapace's face. Then he let out a sigh, stepped back, and ran his hoof through his mane. Carapace was actually white.

"I apologize for that... outburst." He calmly stated as he made his way back to the board, "I know you and your kind are fairly new to our little family, I had a hard time stamping out the previously mentioned "Do Not"'s and it's still a sore subject since everypony keeps asking about it." A little color returned to the Changeling's whole body, "Don't think I'm going soft on you." He added in a tone more loaded then a road-apple land mine as he settled his eyes on the Changling, "You tell anyone who asks you what I just told you, and you never ask that again." Carapace nodded slowly.

Boss scanned the room with a sober expression, then a grin cracked his face, "Okay, so, here's the plan..."

$$

The music filled his body, mind, and soul as he sat in the VIP lounge of the fine music establishment, "The Sassy Mare", He bobbed his head to the beat when it was catchy, he hummed when it was happy, and he wiped completely fake tears (And you'll never prove otherwise) from his eye when it was sad. Up next was "Lady Nipony and her Koto wielding companions" and Boss was rather excited to see it, he really loved oriental style music.

"You seem rather happy today, sir." Strike out asked the curt and to-the-point tone she always uses as she passed him one of the many papers that floated around her head.

Boss looked over at her with a dreamy look on his face; her silver hair caught the dim light as it always did, Beautifully, her white coat seemed to brighten the room, and the red ink inkwell with the white quill on her flank grabbed his eyes as it always seemed to do... though that might be because of where it was more then what it was. "Hmm?"

"Your mood seems to be rather light today, sir." She states as he grabs the sheet from the air.

"Ah, next week's music acts, this will entertaining..." Boss thought to himself as he wet his stamp. "I'm just feeling rather good about tonight." He told her as he scanned the paper in front of his face. "Blue mane group? We do music, not... What ever it is they do." He stamped it "Rejected" and passed it off to Strike Out as she passed him one the competing acts.

"Why is that, sir?" Strike asked as she flicked her mane out of her face, Boss loved it when she did that.

"That is for me to know-" He scanned the sheet, "D-Dog Digs Drums..." he mumbled as he raised an eyebrow and brought the "Rejected" stamp down. "-And for you to find out..." he finished.

"The heist, sir?" Strike asked with a single eyebrow raised, Boss loved when she did that too.

Boss smiled sly as he looked at the one mare in the world that could read his mind, despite his clothes being tailored to stop just that... Why else would he wear something so stuffy? "You would be correct." Lady Nipony and her band finished setting up and the first strums of their instruments filled the air.

Strike Out's eye brow dropped as she took the sheet in his hooves... or at least tried to, but he grabbed it as the smile stayed on his face. "Sir, I need that, sir."

He leaned over and whispered, "Come and get it then." Strike Out's face didn't change from it's normal slight scowl.

"I'll just wait till you get bored with it, sir." She stated flatly, the smile on his face was replaced by a look of minor annoyance, complete with sigh and everything.

"Your no fun..." He said as he handed her the sheet of paper. Lady Nipony's voice decided at that moment to fill the air with it's silken beauty and Boss' face returned to it's dreamy state. "Listen to that, Strike..." He closed his eyes, "Just listen..."

He sat there for a time, just listening to the music, the mournful melody, the slow and heart-wrenching tune... When he opened his eyes again as the song came to a close, and everything was blurry. "Absolutely beautiful..." He mumbled with a wipe of his eye.

"If you say so, sir." Strike Out stated flatly as she handed him a sheet, he spared her a sidelong glance and noticed that her eyes seemed to shimmer more so then usual, his dreamy smile grew three sizes that day as he looked at his sheet.

"Lady Nipony-" He instantly hit it with the "Approved" stamp. Strike Out's magic surrounded the sheet and took it from his hooves as he looked up at the Performer that the sheet was about.

"Good choice, sir." Boss smirked as he studied the Geisha that sang so beautifully on the stage that was bowing to take her leave.

"Encore!" He shouted over the din of the other music lovers, there was an immediate silence. Lady Nipony looked up at him with a confused look on her face, He smiled at her and she smiled back. Then she sang once more, a tune of joy and love, It melted Boss' heart... Despite the fact he couldn't understand a word of it.

She sang from the heart and at the end of her song looked right at Boss, smiled, and blinked like any normal mare would. "There." He thought subconsciously at the tell tale flash brighten her eyes. "A Changling." Boss smiled back at her happily, "But what does it matter? Boss thought as she bowed and finally took her leave, "They are always welcome in my little family."

"It's getting late, sir." Strike's voice crashed through his thoughts and left him blinking at the currently empty stage.

"I suppose it is." He agreed as he stood up and shook his head, "I already seem to be dreaming." he let out a small chuckle. "Say... Would you like to go out for dinner some time?"

"No, sir."

Boss hung his head theatrically, "As always, shot down." Then they gathered his hulking body guards and left the building.

Chapter Three

Boss leaned back in his chair and watched the merrily crackling fire as the sun rose over the horizon, Tea in one hoof, the paper in the other, and the paper was a good edition too. It said, in big bold letters;

"The Elements of Harmony: Stolen?!"

He chuckled to himself as he read the article, It stated that the crates that held the elements were empty, and that the guards were all completely un-aware of why, and that the bearer of Element of Honesty, who was catering the event, was missing as well. The smile on Boss' lips shrank a little, "That isn't good at all, when I tell Celestia that I took her precious Elements, I'll have to explain that I didn't take her little bearer too." He sipped his tea calmly and the smile returned to his face as he tilted his head back and closed his eyes, picturing the mountain of money that he would soon have.

There was a knock at the door, and Strike Out's silken, sultry voice sounded quietly through it, "Sir, Your "Master Group of Elite Thieves" is here to see you."

"Send them in." He ordered happily with a wave of his hoof. The door opened and his MGET walked in the room with slighty apprehensive looks on their faces... Boss didn't like apprehensive looks. "What has you so upset?" he asked in a still-mostly cheery tone, "Your mission was a success!"

They didn't look at his face, "Right?" he asked with a little bit of fear in his voice. "Don't tell me you fools dropped them in the sewers or something! He screamed in his head.

"Uhh... No... it, Uhh... wasn't." Clever Distraction stated with her dark green head hung low, the silly face on her flank a complete contrast to her actual face.

"Sorry, sir, We did the best we could." Quick Swipe said as he stared out the window, his back just as straight as his stare, "But they were not there, sir, the crates were empty."

Boss' eye twitched once, and only once, "Empty?" he said in a cold voice as his hoof came up and scratched his eyebrow, "They weren't empty because YOU grabbed them, were they?" He was being as coy as possible with the thought of being betrayed.

"N-No, Sir!" Swipe shouted like a cadet at boot camp, his feet slapping the floor as he snapped to attention, "We would never do that, Sir!"

"Enough with you military shenanigans!" Boss roared, "Just tell me HOW EXACTLY YOU FAILED ME!"

One of the earth Ponies, the yellow one, Snow Shovel, started blubbering out how the operation was going smoothly, which his brother, Snow Plow, agreed with rather hurriedly, "Yeah, uh huh, that's what totally happened!" were the only things to come out of his mouth. The unicorn, Magic Hooves, started blubbering about how he didn't want to go see Reggie, Swipe stood there, still staring out the window as he awaited his fate, Clever shook her head and stared at her hooves, and Carapace looked around like a lost tourist.

"ENOUGH OF YOU BLABBERING!" Boss roared as his open hoof slammed onto his chair-side table, spilling his tea all over the newspaper that he was so gladly reading before, they all jumped and the ones talking shut their mouths with a synchronized "Clack". "If you didn't take them..." His voice a calm, serene, icy lake once again, "Who did?"

There was no blubbering, there was no "Uh huh"s, there was just silence.

Boss worked his jaw in irritation, "So why didn't you-" He bellowed the next word,"-FOOLS," his voice dropped back to frigid once again, "Wake me when you failed, so I could deal with you then?"

Quick Swipe gulped loudly, "W-we though that we may have had something that would placate you." He motioned to Carapace, who bolted out of the room. They sat in a dense silence, no one moving even a hoof as they waited for the Changling to get back.

Get back he did, with a bag... that was hollering and kicking.

"When Ah get outta here, Ah'll cream the lot a yah!" The bag said rather unhappily. Boss was far more unhappy as he looked at his men with a glare that would give Sombra pause, Carapace's body started to clack and clatter as he shivered in place.

"What is this?" Boss asked in a deadpan tone it wasn't cold, or angry, or happy, or sad, it just... was. "I asked for the Elements of Harmony." He stated as he stood up, "Not a pony." He pointed to Swipe as he made his way to his desk, "Not a Changling." He pointed beside his desk as he sat down in his chair, "And certainly not one of the BEARERS OF THE ELEMENTS!" His calm facade shattered like a stain glass window.

"How could you do this!" He bellowed, "This is the one of the THREE things that I tell you not to do, you can Rob-" He slammed his balled up hoof, "Steal-" he slammed his hoof again, "And PILLAGE-" Slam, "All you want, the only thing I ask is that NO ONE GET HURT!" His fist slammed against the table one final time, the bag was as silent as the rest of the room. He pointed to Carapace, then he point to the otherside of his desk. Carapace quickly hustled over to where the invisible line ended, being quite sure to go EXACTLY where Boss was pointing. Boss was trembling as his hoof popped up the dreaded panel, Clever never even looked up as it clicked, the brothers hugged eachother and the unicorn cried as Boss slammed the button, only Clever didn't scream as they fell to their doom.

Boss looked at his hoof, he had hit the green button, he looked back at the trap door as it closed with a "Ka-chunk", "Pony feathers!" He shouted as he slammed the desk again.

"Can Ah come out now?" the bag asked, "Please?" Boss' eye twitched as his face sank into one hoof and he waved at Carapace with the other.

"Yes..." He declared with a sigh, the Orange earth pony tumbled onto the floor.

"Hey, watch what cher doin'!" She scolded Carapace as she shook her head, stood up reached into the bag and pulled out a ratty, beaten, old stetson and plunked it on her head. "So..." She drolled out as she looked around the room, "Can Ah go now?"

Boss' eye twitch for the third "once and only once" today, "No, you cannot." He stated flatly, "Not yet anyways."

The earth pony glared at him as she clopped loudly up to the desk, which didn't do anything for Boss' now -rather intense- headache, "Why the Hay not?" She grilled into him as her hooves came down on his desk with a resounding thud.

"Because your not in..." Boss paused and finally looked up from his hoof, "Where are you from?" he asked in a rather defeated tone.

"Ponyville, and don't you ferget it." She told him with finality.

His face fell back in his hoof, "Great..." He sighed, "Well, we'll have you escorted to Canterlot in the morning then..." He shook his head and waved for Swipe to take her to one of the guest rooms.

"Just wait one apple bucking minute!" Boss looked at the rather foul mouth mare and raised both his eyebrows, signifying his dislike it. "You take me back to Ponyville right now, or Ah'll beat the snot outta the lotta yah." He hoof crashed into her other hoof with a healthy smack.

"You threatening me..." Boss asked with a purely sarcastic questioning tone, "Me, who is going to give you a bed for the night as he arranges an Escort for you to return to your putrid mud puddle..." He raised his eyebrows even higher, "Because it's a day later then you would like?" He placed his elbow on the desk and leaned over it, eyeing her with a single eye, "That seems rather... Counter productive, don't you think?"

The Mare stuck her face in his, "Ah don't care if it's "Counter productive" or not, take me home-" She slammed her hooves on his desk, "-NOW!"

Boss lost his coll, so he shoved his face in her's, and his nose but a hair from her's, "I can't do that on such short notice!" His hoof flailed to the side, "If you haven't noticed, my men are IDIOTS!"

She shoved her face hard against his, "Ah don't care if their dumb or not, just get them to take me home!"

"ENOUGH!" Boss howled as he pulled his face back the foul little mare's obnoxious muzzle, "Swipe, remove her, NOW!" Swipe quickly grabbed her.

"Hay, let me go, Ah'll beat the tar outta yah-" The door slammed as the two fools left the room, Boss massaged between his eyes as he flopped back in his chair.

He sighed loudly as he looked at a terrified Carapace, "I suppose your wondering why I don't just throw her to Reggieor his kids?" Carapace just shivered and stared as Boss continued to drone on, "It's only because Celestia would probably annihilate my whole organization," His hoof slid up to catch his falling forehead, "From the lowliest street urchin to my best and brightest thieving Demi-gods..." He sighed again, "All because of one ill tempered Mare..."

After a few minutes Boss looked up from his hoof, to find Carapace still standing in the exact same spot, "Your still here?" Carapace shook his head slowly, "Your dismissed..." He stated with a wave of his hoof, Carapace hopped up in the air, legs flailing before the even hit the floor, "Make sure to send in Strike Out," He spun his chair around and watched the new day arise, full of hope and glory, all of which were shattered and broken.

Strike out walked into the room a few minutes later, as calm and stoic as always. "Sir?" She asked with a slight waver, "You sent for me?" Boss followed the suns assent a few more moments before he turned the chair around again.

With a loud sigh and a heavy heart, he told her exactly why he called her in:

"I have a few things to settle before I take what wretched mare back to her princess."