Friendship is Volatile

by Mortis-Sonipes

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Random, Human
Length: 42404

A man enters the theater of Equestria. A man of low brow humor, disturbing motivations, unethical beliefs, and chaotic intentions that ponies have never before witnessed. Can the elements aclimatize such an individual or will they kill him trying?

How do old friends react when they see each other after a long time spent apart? They get excited, share a hug, make plans for some fun, and usually look forward to another meeting very soon. What does a best friend do? He drop kicks the unsuspecting fool screaming at the top of his lungs and proceeds to drag the limp body into the nearest bar for some catching up.

Most would consider the latter group falling under psychotic, but one such individual finds himself in a new land filled with harmony, kindness, serenity, and soft friendships with other painfully boring lifestyles that can't possibly entertain the raging desire to test the very meaning of patience. Since there isn't any easy fix sending him home he'll just have to make due submitting the poor locals to his own brand of friendship.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-08 17:06:27 UTC

Not Dead Yet...

Every soul makes their own set of superstitions throughout the course of their lives. Be it traditional ones, life experiences, or just issues with karma there isn't a damn human on the face of the earth without some kind of tweak that errs on the side of eccentric.

Locks had his own set of awkward little quirks, but one particularly dreadful tweak was always capable of pushing him on the side of paranoia. He could recall with vivid clarity every horrid incident that followed soon after the palm of his left hand became itchy. Odd little thing, just a scratch that needed some attention shouldn't warrant so much dread, but like most folks he was very uncompromising when it came to his superstitions.

It was a lovely day. The afternoon sky turned dark with a massive thunderstorm that washed over his city as he drove home. He always loved the rain, even if it made everyone look like someone had kicked their puppy it was something that soothed him. Well... at least when his left palm was going nuts with an insanely demanding itch. Itchy hand plus torrential rain plus shitty car plus retarded drivers still speeding by all added up to a bag full of fucking awful as he cruised along a good ten miles under the speed limit.

"Relax lefty. Fucking CHILL. Just a little ways home and we can deal with whatever awful thing is waiting for us there. Just CHILL THE FUCK OUT."

Talking to himself always helped when the nerves got bad, but it wouldn't save him from the cataclysmic amount of shit that occurred within the span of seconds. He was crossing over a long suspension bridge that still had a large section comprised of metal grates, and while crossing said bridge went off without a hitch thousands of times before his entire body went rigid when lady luck came at him with a swift kick to the balls.

A car went speeding by on his left, and in all honesty if he had not been involved with the following hell he would have laughed his ass off as lightning arced down from above and struck the car. Unfortunately the prick wasn't going fast enough when the car was struck, which made the driver panic and swerve into his own vehicle. After a feisty nut check from Luck she proceeded to river dance on his crotch as his car went veering against a weak section of the bridge railing and off into oblivion.

Another crack of lightning struck his car as his guts proceeded to overload his brain with "We're falling and we don't like it!" along with going near deaf and blind from the lightning. It felt like he had been falling for a long time, but then again it was a high bridge. With such a shitty way of dying and his left hand still furiously itching Locks' brain became stuck in a moment of derp.

Needless to say when his car did make an impact there wasn't any mental assessments taking place as the airbag deployed and jammed his glasses painfully into is face. When his mind figured out that it should start working again the first thoughts came in the form of relief.

He paid good money to buy the bendy and nearly impossible to break glasses so at least he wouldn't be blind. Next thought came as every asshole who ever made fun of his glasses straps that kept the things snugly on his head could go suck it because they were still on his face even as the bag slowly deflated and allowed him to rest against the steering wheel.

While his brain was still trying to figure out if it was the center of thought or his asshole. The smell of something burning prompted him to look up seeing small flames coiling from the edges of his car hood. Funny thing about the body, when imminent death was involved shit started moving real quick. He thrashed against the seat belt and mashed at the release button, but the damn thing wouldn't let him go. Still struggling against the belt his right hand shot into his pocket to fish out a knife, and after pulling the straps tight he slashed through them easily.

Lady Luck finished her dance and continued to torment him by stomping all over his hope as his car door decided it didn't feel like working anymore. Like a fresh inmate warding off brutal prison rape Locks stabbed at the window with his knife until it shattered. Punching out the remaining glass to keep from being impaled he yanked his legs up into the seat and lunged out of the window head first with his fists against the car door to propel him further.

It was nothing like the movies with men jumping and rolling out of burning cars with style and skill, he landed head first with his body flopping to the ground like a fish out of water. Since his body still didn't give a fuck about what was happening in his now jarred brain he simply rolled as fast as he could away from the death trap until he scrambled onto his feet and flat out ran away. Movies be damned... the explosion behind him felt like a kick in the back from a giant, followed by agonizing pain as something clipped his right shoulder and plowed him right back into the dirt.

Crawling back to his feet Locks looked at the merrily burning wreckage that should have been his grave with a slow smile spreading across his face.

"This was a triumph..."

Ooook... So maybe his brain was pretty fucking rattled but the little song played out just the same as his smile quickly grew into pure insanity. Things slowly began worming their way through his crazed joy as he made his way towards a bench that was beside.... a tree.... house..... thing. It looked like a kids dream come true from the outside until he noticed the library sign above it. Taking a seat and having a look around he pulled out his newly bought menthols and sighed. They were pretty smooshed, but thankfully none of them were broken and light one up.

The houses.... were cottages.... Cottages with thatched roofs and he was in a town of sorts... Thunderstorm, lightning, falling off bridge towards river below, and now sunshine farmville? Since he wasn't trying desperately not to die in a horrible way there was some kind of cock eyed shift in scenery or his bell had been rung in an extra hard way. The complete lack of people around bugged him the most though. Someone had to have heard a car exploding but where in the hell was everyone at.

People say you should take stressful events slowly, people like his friends and his boss would always chide him for taking too much on at one time. He liked being slightly overwhelmed when he could manage the stress as it made him feel alive, but nothing in his life could prepare him for the sounds of babbling and the stomping of hundreds running towards the burning wreck.

Small horses. Not just small like those little shetland ponies, but small with gigantic eyes, longer legs, and every bright neon color of a ravers paradise. Scores of the things came running (Galloping?) into the area from alleyways, off branching roads, and flying in from the fucking skies like a tiny pony invasion. Even with their freakish eyes and weird little muzzles he could somehow read their expressions as they stopped a good ways from the wreck and milled around nervously until he heard a woman cry out in shock.

"SWEET CELESTIA WHAT IS THAT THING?!"

Bad pony. Ponies don't talk, and they sure as hell don't come flying in wearing armor and holding various weapons in mouth and hooves. How in the FUCK do they hold things in their hooves?! By that time he was puffing away like a train at his cigarette, and snapping his head around as a purple flash appeared not five feet away followed by the form of a purple pony nearly gave him a heart attack. This pony had a horn, and after yelping and tumbling backwards from him the things eyes somehow got even bigger than they already were.

"...TH.. THE...Those are bad for you!"

Ring my Bell Harder

You know what pisses off a distressed smoker? Being told the same asinine bullshit every single day of their lives. Yes world smoking is bad for me and it will kill me thank you have a nice day, but there is a FUCKING LINE that shouldn't be crossed. There was still blood dribbling down his face, the old brain housing group was having a damn hard time processing anything that didn't include smoking and breathing, and he wasn't about to take shit for smoking from a talking horse!

Taking an extra long drag of his smoke Locks blew a putrid cloud at the pony and got up to stretch his legs and arms. Only problem there seemed to be was the little issue of his right shoulder not working. He couldn't move it at all, and it hurt like hell but at the very least he could still bend the arm and move his hand. When he turned away he was suddenly face to face with a blue flying horse who was glaring at him.

"Where do you think your going?! What are you! And why did you start a fire in the middle of our town!"

Funny thing about head injuries... They seemed to disable logical thought processes leaving Locks stuck in troll mode. Bringing up his left hand to his mouth he started doing something that was both vile and disgusting. Turning around from the rainbow colored small horse he was actually spitting into his hand as took a step towards the guards and leaned down to look at them. They still presented their spears but the stupid horse thing kept getting in his face and yelling at him.

"Don't ignore me! Why are you here?! Who are you?!"

Turning back towards miss purple asinine he once more leaned forward to look at her even if she scooted back some. Once again the blue flying asshat got in his face but at that point his left hand was filled with goopy spittle and slime. He didn't notice that four other small horses had gone past the guards, and some of them were even trying to calm the very gayly colored female down but it was far too late for that.

With a handful of spit he took his hand away from his mouth and smiled right before he slapped his hand dead center on her horse face. He was pretty sure some of it got into her eyes by the way she cried out, but it wasn't a sound of horror or pain it was distinctly one of disgust.

"YOU BUCKING BASTARD! YOU DISGUSTING ASSHOLE! I'M GOING TO BUCKING KILL YOU!"

Shitty thing about having hooves, they were terrible at removing or wiping away something as gooey and viscous as spit especially since he hadn't had a drink in a while. He was laughing so hard that it hurt. She had fallen out of the air was was desperately trying to rub dirt into her face in an attempt to clean some of it off screaming at him at the top of her lungs.

The other small horses started closing in on him, the orange one with a cowboy hat yelling first.

"What did ya do ta Rainbow!"

Through the tears of pain and laughter he looked up at her barely able to speak.

"I... I just smeared a handful of spit into her face... maybe... maybe she won't blame me for shit anymore HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

The white horse that was trying to help her friend up dropped her like a sack of potatoes and started kicking her front hooves in the air.

"CELESTIA IT'S ON MY HOOVES! OH EWW SOMEPONY GET ME SOAP AND WATER!"

He was on his knees clutching his sides. The pure pain of laughing was becoming unbearable but by god it was worth every moment of pain. The purple one had finally regained her senses and yelled to everyone.

"STOP IT! ALL OF YOU STOP FOR A SECOND!"

"You! You've got some explaining to do mister! Guards! Please disperse the crowds and keep watch over the doors I'm sending a letter to Celestia right now!"

It was at that point that Locks noticed the small purple and green lizard that was right beside this other horse thing, and while he wasn't entirely sure why it was scribbling away at a scroll before it held the thing up and torched it with green fire.

The door of the library opened by itself and after pointing a rigid hoof inside Locks was finally able to get his laughter under control as he stepped inside. It was a quaint library thing, with a couch and walls lined with books though he didn't move to the comfortable cushions or the couch. Instead he found and empty spot on the hard wood floor and laid down with his forehead resting against the soothingly cool floor.

"HEY! GET UP YOU BASTARD!"

The sound of something flying through the air before landing on his back caused him to grunt in pain. For a flying horse thing she actually had some weight on her.

"Leave me alone talking horse. I'm probably going to die soon anyways so you won't have to worry about getting your revenge."

There were gasps from the others gathering in the house, but it didn't keep the damn woman from poking him in the back of the head.

"Your not allowed to die! Not until I get payback!"

"That will be a problem small horse. I think I have a concussion. Thing about concussions is there's a chance I'm bleeding inside of my skull, and you are a talking horse. You shouldn't be real... so I guess I'll probably expire when I fall asleep. I'm really tired now, so goodbye small talking figment of my imagination. Goodnight tiny horse."

Since she was no longer jabbing him in the back of the head he took a long shuttering breath before relaxing, letting his eyes drift closed for a moment until he felt her hooves curl around his shoulder and start shaking him vigorously.

"Hey! Wait! Don't go to sleep! I'm a pony and you just have a few little scraps and cuts! You can't die on me!"

"I'ma die now and you can't stop me."

"What the buck is wrong with you?! THAT ISN'T FUNNY!"

She went back to shaking him like a rag doll again, which only made him sigh more tiredly until she finally stopped long enough for him to speak.

"Fine! Stop with the shakes! Look, there's something wrong with my right shoulder. You see something back there?"

Agonizing pain shot through his shoulder when he felt her nudge something, and gritting his teeth he waited for her to finish poking at the damn thing.

"There's..... something metal.... Its stuck kinda deep...."

"You've been dancing all over my back and now you noticed I'm impaled with something?"

"I'm not a bucking doctor and your shirt his black! The thing is black too!"

"Huh that sucks... Would the owner of this property happen to have an advanced medical kit with bandages, antiseptics, and possibly sutures?"

Purple slowly walked in front of him before sitting down.

"I run the library, but I don't have anything that advanced... We need to take you to ponyville hospital, they'll have everything you need to fix you up.

"Uh.... I might not make it that far... I'm pretty sure somethings messed up with my skull."

There was a lot of shuffling about and with another pained sigh he closed his eyes and felt dull throbbing pain throughout his body. Maybe he was in shock which would explain why he wasn't withering in pain and hell maybe the whole concussion thing was scrambling his brain enough that he just wasn't registering any of the real damage. His musings came to an end when two bright flashes nearly appeared off to the side. Craning his head once more he saw two of the largest looking ponies he had seen so far, the biggest having a white coat and crazy flowing pastel hair while the other slightly smaller one was dark blue and black with a blob of night sky for hair.

"Awww come on! Did you have to call big mama Twilight? She's going to be all pissy and give me a mile long lecture!"

The blue one actually snorted as the white one looked down at him with a stern expression.

"I am Celestia, and this is my sister and co-ruler of Equestria Luna. What is your name sir?"

"Eh fuck it we'll get to that later. Hey chuckles? I need ya to do me a solid while I'm still breathing."

Looking at him with a quirky expression Luna stepped a bit closer before leaning down.

"And what does a silly creature such as yourself want from a ruler of all ponies?"

"Nothing much. Can you go swing by that pony hospital thing and grab a doctor and a nurse? Tell them that there's a patient with a foreign object imbedded close to a joint. Also tell them that it probably has a mild to moderate concussion but there isn't much they can do about that shit."

She just blinked at him in confusion until her eyes started wandering his body and stopped at the thing sticking out of his shoulder.

"Bingo pony. I think they'll know what to bring along so if you could just run that little errand then maybe I can get this thing out sometime today. Besides yanking the thing out of my back and bandaging me up we'll just have to wait and see if I'm still breathing tomorrow. Chop Chop."

Her eyes narrowed viciously, and he could swear they turned serpentine for just a moment as she spoke.

"If you weren't in danger of passing I would be very cross with that attitude creature."

"Yeah yeah there's a line for that, it starts with Rainbow Dash since I slapped a hand full of spit in the center of her face."

"That is the most disgusting thing I've heard all day...."

"Yeah... I'ma blame it on the concussion. My brain isn't working right today. Whatever."

With another flash that hurt his already throbbing head Locks slowly picked himself up off the floor, and strangely enough it was the orange pony who helped him into a sitting position with him leaning against his legs.

"Ya seem awfully calm for somepony who might be passin away. Are ya sure yer not just bein paranoid?"

"Well country, normally when I get patients like this we have lots of things to check and make sure they won't die. Its not that I don't think you can't figure out whats wrong its that I don't think you guys can do much to help if there is a problem up there..."

"So... ya really think it might come ta that?"

"I don't know, maybe. If it does tell those doctor folks that I'm donating my body to science. At least then they can dissect me and figure out how a human's insides work. If any more of my kind show up hurt then maybe they can save them. I also got this neat little device in my pocket that is a semi advanced piece of technology from my kind. You ponies might benefit from studying it or some shit."

From behind his field of vision he felt something gently cradle his head and a soft sniffling. Looking down he saw the pink hooves of that manic pony who had followed them inside.

"We have super doctors in ponyville hospital! You're not... You're gonna be just fine."

Now he really felt like an asshole. He barely new these girls and he was trampling on what looked like delicate emotions. Even Rainbow Dash looked sad, and he knew damn well if she had been a human she really would have killed him on the spot for what he did. He was a pessimist by default, but he gave another deep sigh as he went against his own nature.

"Yeah, I guess your right. I'll probably be just fine. You smell a lot like sugar by the way."

"That's because I work and board at a bakery silly! When you're all better I'll take you to visit Sugar Cube Corner for a treat! My names Pinkamina Diana Pie or just Pinkie Pie for short! Whats your name?!"

Damn that was fast. At least she wasn't sniffling like a little girl now.

"The names Locks. Its nice to meet you Pinkie."

"Its nice to meet you too Mr. Locks! But is that really your name? Like the Locks on a door? That's a really funny name or is it just short for something else?"

"It is short, but I'm not telling you my real name."

More sniffling. Dammit this female could go from happy bouncy to depressed in fucking record time but it was Celestia that spoke after gently resting a hoof on top of his hand.

"If you wish for us to call you Locks it is not a problem, but if you cannot at least trust us with your real name how will you trust us with anything?"

"I trust you enough for a talking pony Celestia, but it's really embarrassing and I don't wanna do it."

Pinkie began rocking his head back and forth and begging, still sniffling all the while.

"Please please please Mr. Locks! I promise not to make in fun of your name!"

"If Rainbow Dash leaves then I'll tell you."

"WHAT?! YOU OWE ME ANYWAYS YOU BASTARD!"

"Nope. I'm not giving you that fodder even if you beat the crap out of me later."

Before she could start yelling at him country promptly shoved a hoof into her mouth before speaking.

"Now look Sugar. We ain't so petty as ta mess about with something if its that sensitive. What's your real name? I'm Applejack by the by."

Introductions were made around the room even if he had heard some of their names before, but they all stared at him expectantly when he was the only one left. At that moment Luna had returned with six other ponies in tow, most of which were carrying various medical equipment but Celestia held up a hoof for silence.

"Oh come on! I said like TWO PONIES!"

"Mr. Locks...."

"But there's a freakin crowd in here Celestia I don't want this shit spreading around!"

"Mr. Locks!"

"FINE! Lockette Hekmet! There are you fucking happy now?!"

After a glorious snort from Rainbow Dash the mare fell over and started laughing her ass off, along with Luna who was trying not to laugh but failing miserably. In fact most of the assholes were in various stages of coughing and hiding their faces.

"You're all dicks. Fucking dicks..."

Through her fits of giggling Rainbow Dash waved a hoof at him.

"Hey Rarity.. I think Lockette is sad because he doesn't have a pretty dress on.... Think you can make him one?"

Happy Thoughts

It was one thing being in pain, another having to deal with a variety of ponies, but did they really have to kick him when he was already down? That rainbow colored asshole was lying on her side laughing her little head off so hard that he really hoped she would just choke to death.

"Har har har. Yuck yuck yuck. I'm pretty sure you assholes in the white coats are supposed to be digging something out of my back and fixing me up instead of laughing."

One of the assumed doctors made a show of clearing their throat, and as Locks took a closer look at it he realized that this was in fact the first male pony he had seen. Out of the six Luna had brought only two of them were male, which started heckling his nerves a bit as he looked at all of the ponies surrounding him. Each introduced themselves as respectively as Dr. Winters (The man behind him.) and surrounding him doctors Marevell, Newhope, Sunrise, Hooves, and finally Nurse Redheart who was currently examining the gash on his forehead.

"Is it just me or is there a distinct lack of men? Why are there so many females in this room?"

"Awwww What's the matter Lockette? Don't like the mares? I'm sure we can find some strapping stallions who'd love to treat you with tender loving care."

"Go eat a bag of smashed dicks you Rainbow colored turd."

Celestia was giving him the same look his mother would have if she happened to hear those particular words. Luna was the one who answered him though. That is after she finished snickering and trying to hide it behind a cough.

"I assure you Locks that there are plenty of stallions inhabiting Equestria. There is a higher percentage of mares but still enough for you to find some male friends.

"At least hell isn't completely filled with estrogen...."

His thoughts were interrupted by another lance of pain shooting through his right shoulder as one of the doctors behind him carefully examined the object protruding from his back. Strange thing though while the others began unpacking various supplies from their little bags he felt a strange tingling throughout his hurt shoulder and back before Winters spoke somewhat grimly behind him.

"Sir... I hate to be the bearer of bad news but it appears the object is imbedded in one of your bones. Do you know of any particular pain medication that can be used by your species? We've taken the liberty of bringing a wide variety of both strong and mild agents."

"I Lockette Hekmet hereby decline all forms of pain relievers regardless of their application during the course of my treatment."

That seemed to stop everyone of them from moving about. Some of the doctors looked like they had stopped breathing.

"Not sure if you ponies have the same protocols for concussions, but I'm pretty sure my bell got rung a little. So that means nothing that might mask symptoms of brain injury. Cut the shirt away."

While Newhope began snipping away at the sleeves of his shirt Marevell placed a hoof carefully on his left shoulder before speaking.

"Sir... I understand your course of thought but the injury to your shoulder.... It warrants some kind of pain relief before removing the object. We cannot force you to take anything against your will but are you completely sure? It may be safer to stabilize the object until we are certain you can take something..."

He interrupted her by pressing two fingers over her lips.

"Applejack? Can I borrow your hat for just a moment?"

Looking slightly confused and a little nervous she trotted up to him and carefully took off her hat, placing it in his left hand. After resting it over his knees he took a deep calming breath.

"The six of you were brought here to treat my injuries to the best of your extent. I refuse to take any medication for the time being and will continue to refuse any further care if you can't comply with simple requests. I won't risk infection from that thing in my back remaining where it is, and I'm giving you five seconds to yank the object out the moment I bite down on this hat. When the thing is free I want you to wait another four seconds and watch how the wound bleeds then describe the bleeding so that I can determine what action needs to be taken afterwards."

Turning his head carefully to look at Winters behind him he tried not to smirk at the way the poor fellow was sweating bullets.

"I'm not asking you to do anything doctor. I'm telling you exactly what to do. If you have any problems with this then you are free to leave. It will be extremely difficult to treat my own injures, but I would sooner take the risk than waste anymore time."

Luna stomped towards him with a hard look on her face, but the moment she opened her mouth to say something he bit down on the edge of the thick leather hat and relaxed his body to the best of his ability. His vision seemed to collapse inwards as thick black rings closed in towards the center of his sight. The sound of something being yanked from his bone and muscle caused everyone in the room to flinch and nearly knocked him out. Time seemed to stretch itself out in agonizing sharpness until he heard Winters muffled voice.

"The wound is bleeding steadily, appears as dark crimson, no signs of spurting or bright red splashing over the back."

His own words sounded distant even in his own head. It was difficult to move any part of his body but after spitting out the hat he answered.

"Stop the bleeding..... treat like a regular puncture....."

"What about the damaged bone?"

"Nothing.... Can't do anything....."

More pain followed as he felt something press firmly against the wound. His whole body was shaking though he was glad his face was against his knees. At least they didn't see the tears leaking out of his eyes. He felt Marevell's hoof on his left shoulder before hearing her voice.

"Mr. Locks? Can we at least use antibiotics? I've completed some very basic magical tests and you seem compatible with what we have."

"Topical.... topical only.... low grade..... Hand it over..."

They looked at each other in confusion until he placed his left hand over his shoulder and wriggled his fingers.

"Give me that thing."

It was a heavy piece of metal about five inches long and warped from the car exploding. Other than hurting like hell he didn't feel any difficulty breathing, so at the very least the thing hadn't punctured his lung. Lucky for him that it stopped at the bone and stuck there. He was breathing hard, and with each passing moment he felt himself drifting closer to the inviting blackness that would take the pain away. Warm hooves carefully wrapped around his head and heard a soft crooning against his ear.

"It's ok Mr. Locks... You're alright now. You did a very good job, just let the doctors take care of the rest and you'll be just fine."

Looking up with he could barely make out the pink hair and yellow fur of Fluttershy through the white and black spots obscuring his vision. Letting the object thud against the floor he lifted his shaking left hand up he placed it against her cheek and with a gentle smile she placed her hoof over the hand, rubbing it softly.

"Your still a pony... You're supposed... to be another human... it hurts too much... for this to be a dream..."

"I promise you Mr. Locks. We're here to help you. I'm so sorry that it hurts, but it will be over soon."

"Your not.... supposed to be.... real... You're a pony."

"We're all ponies. Please try to relax... The doctors are working as fast as they can."

Outside of his vision one of the doctors signaled to Fluttershy to carefully lay him down on his uninjured side, and from his left Rarity gently slid a pillow under his head. Locks' mind was shutting down, there was simply too much for him to consciously deal with, but as his eyes slowly closed the last thing he saw was the worried face of Fluttershy with her cheek streaked with blood from his hand and tears leaking out of her eyes. His last words came in a pained whisper before reality withdrew and left him in comforting blackness.

"Thank you Flutters... but I miss my kind."

The pegasus looked up pitifully at Celestia and murmured sadly.

"Can't we send him home....."

The princess walked softly over to her and gently placed her wing around the distressed pony.

"Fluttershy... We don't know how he came to be here... Even if we could send him back we can't even try with him in this condition. If these injuries are a result of being transported here sending him back could end his life."

"...... He acted bravely.... but I think he's scared...."

"It won't help him if he sees you crying like this Fluttershy. If he is scared then he needs you to be brave more than anything."

Giving the strange creature on last small hug she sniffled and drew away from him letting Rarity lead her into the back room to get her face cleaned up. The doctors cautiously labored over their patient, but after finishing with his shoulder and bandaging his head they packed away their equipment to leave. Dr. Winters addressed the princesses and Twilight before their small group left through the entrance.

"Princess Celestia? Princess Luna? Twilight? Can we have a word with you outside for a moment?"

The three looked curiously at the doctors before following them outside into the cool afternoon air.

"I... hazard to say that this creature isn't a known species in Equestria correct?"

The three of them nodded slowly.

"Has he... expressed being able to use magic? Or shown any use of the arts?"

Looking at each other in turn all three shook their heads slowly. Luna asked the question on all of their minds.

"Does Locks have something that resembles our magic? I would think if he did have some kind of knowledge in that regard he would have used it by now..."

The doctors looked nervously at each other and shuffled their hooves into the dirt.

"While we were examining the subject we noticed something fascinating about the creatures brain. The diagnostic spells used showed very mild damage. Nothing that could threaten his life, but its the... extra data that's... strange. You are familiar with the way a unicorns horn is attuned to magic, allowing us to wield it through the appendage correct?"

"Yes....."

They seemed to be having a difficult putting their thoughts into words, but after a quick conversation amongst themselves Dr. Marevell continued.

"It is a hard concept to come to terms with Princess but I want you to imagine if you did not possess a horn in any regard. Think of it as having the same magical connection completely enclosed within your skull without having the obvious outlet the horn serves as.

Twilight shook her head slowly before venturing a question.

"I don't understand where you are going with this doctor. We don't know if he can use magic or if his species are capable of wielding it at all but what are you trying to get at with the analogy?"

"We have come to the tentative hypothesis about this creatures brain. It would require a great deal of further testing but since the five of us repeated the diagnostic spell and had Nurse Redheart compare their findings we may have found something."

Redheart trotted over to them and presented a clipboard that had carefully drawn out notes. Luna was the first to voice her concern.

"This cannot be correct. I do not doubt your abilities as medical professionals but these notes say that creature, even in pain and still functionally talking to us was..... using a tenth of its brain."

"That is the problem we are having princess. While it isn't centralized in any one part of the organ it appears that a majority of it's faculty is for magical application. Very similar to the connection our horns share but on a much more advanced level."

"Your telling me that thing.... that human. Uses a tenth of its entire brain to talk and function? What if humans can't use magic? Then the rest of it's brain is what? Just vacant space?"

A hard nudge from Celesta got her to stop for a moment while the doctors thought of an appropriate answer.

"The whole of this creatures brain is utilized... just at a level that doesn't match the information we've received so far. I would venture one last hypothesis from the data we have right now. I believe that if this creature were to possess the ability to use magic it could do so without the necessity of channeling and directing that magic through a horn. We could not locate any organ or appendage that would act as a channel point, and we believe it could be capable of casting spells from any part of its body. He should be fine resting here for the time being but we will return first thing in the morning to change his dressings and if you... would allow us to gain his consent for further testing...."

The implications were staggering. If what the doctors were alluding to was correct Locks could very well be suited to wielding magic in a way that no pony had ever before witnessed. Twilight blinked slowly before an excited smile broke out over her face.

"I don't think he would have any problems with a few more tests but I also don't believe it would be a good idea to tell him about this... potential for the time being. I'm not sure he would be the safest creature running around with magic."

Oddly enough all present ponies had a different variation of Locks running around starting fires, lobbing lightning bolts at hapless citizens, and generally causing havoc and chaos throughout Ponyville. Both princesses and Twilight instinctively started rubbing their temples with Luna voicing their opinions.

"Yeah... I think it would be best if Locks didn't know any of this, but I also forbid any pony from preforming tests against his will. He will not be subjugated to studies without full consent."

"Of course Princess Luna. I assure you that our patients safety is our utmost concern. I will see to it that he is adequately compensated for his compliance. Not only is he a brand new species of intelligent life but one with so much potential!"

As excited as Twilight was she couldn't help but continue to imagine Locks running about laughing insanely and casting spells all over the place.

"I don't like the idea of him using magic."

"I have to agree with my student. He seems somewhat... unstable for such a delicate matter."

"Oh come on sister! He was hurt and the doctors did say he had some form of brain injury! It would be wrong to deprive him of something as wonderful and beautiful as magic!"

"You only think that way dear Luna because he might turn out a bigger prankster than yourself. I don't think I can handle another issue similar to what happened last week.... Twilight? Can I ask you to house our wayward guest for the time being? I think it would be best to keep him isolated in Ponyville until we can release any sort of news about him. This town is rural enough not to have his presence spread too far... but to be on the safe side I'll instruct the guards to post my personal intervention in the matter."

Nodding her approval the Princesses departed with the doctors in tow, and after taking a deep steadying breath she turned back to head inside. She would have to handle her new guest very carefully in the days to come and monitor him closely. There were just some ponies that didn't need to have magic and she was almost positive Locks would be the leader of such a group.

Out and About

Locks could remember a few times in his life where he had no physical or mental drive to actually wake up. Whether it was a product of stress, the result of a recent injury, or too much bullshit that no poor soul should have to deal with together they turned into the desire of staying blissfully asleep forever. Like most days his mind woke up long before his body wanted anything to do with activity, but even with the thorough reminder by the sharp pain and aches he felt all over something else piqued his curiosity.

"Mmmmm Hmmmm?"

There were soft warm little things cradling his sore head, and that feminine sound coaxed his eyes open regardless of the stinging light filling the room. He actually smiled at the soft magenta eyes looking down at him, and the way its cute little muzzle appeared scrunched up in a quirky look imparted the strong urge to hug the soft little thing over him. His mind slowly connected the dots. It was Rainbow Dash, holding his head between her hooves and looking so damn adorable that he wanted nothing more than to hug the little pony. That was until he wondered why her cheeks looked so puffy.

His eyes narrowed to pinpricks and slammed shut after taking a deep breath through his nose and sealing his mouth with pursed lips the hellish little cretin opened her mouth and confirmed his suspicions.

"Bluuuuuuugh."

Oh god... It was like a waterfall of unsanitary filth pouring out of its mouth and splattering across his face.

(Don't open your eyes.... don't open your mouth.... oh christ its seeping into my flesh..... ITS CRAWLING UP MY NOSE)

His mind was screaming in shock and horror as he exhaled sharply to clear the semi goopy filth from his nose. He could only lie there twitching until his lungs circumvented his desire to suffocate himself. There was no getting around breathing through his nose because he sure as hell wasn't opening his mouth. To any soul working in the medical field for any length of time this was the most fucked up bio-hazardous hell right after falling into a pile of used needles.

He had to breath... and after clearing his nose one final time he inhaled only what he absolutely needed to keep from passing out but he could smell it. It smelled like apple something, mint, and... her mouth... The worst insult of all was her laughing through the entire struggle and her hooves keeping his still damaged head in place.

"How do you like them apples Lockette~? The apple cider here in Ponyville is to die for! Nice and sweet, but it can give you such a thick feeling in your mouth if you've had too much. You should get yourself cleaned up before the doctors come by to change your bandages."

Oh you fucking shitty horse asshole...... He remembered in stark detail what had happened the previous day, and while he was convinced that there was a distinct lack of sanity on his part that didn't make what she was putting him though any easier. Feeling a towel land over his head he proceeded to try and scrub his contaminated face off with Rainbow laughing her fuzzy little ass off. The entrance way suddenly opened up and Locks could hear the sound of hooves entering the library and Luna's cheery voice.

"Ah Good morning Mr. Locks. I've come to see how you were doing since last night. I've brought Dr. Marevell and Winters with me to give you a dressing change.... Why are you... scrubbing your face so hard might I ask?"

Taking a few moments to breath he looked up at Luna with no trace of the horror still raging through his mind.

"Oh.... just helps me wake up..... I think I'll go wash my face now..... I'm still feeling a bit off today."

This wasn't over. That shit eating grin on her face only solidified his conviction that he would have to find a suitable payback for the rainbow colored asshat. His brain was still fuzzy from yesterday, but come hell or high water he would have his revenge on the pony.

"Twilight? Would you happen to own a new tooth brush? I don't have anything of my ow currently.... I need to get a damn job if I'm going to function."

"Oh! I do have a few spare ones! Let me get one for you but just try to rest for the time being! You can stay here with me until we get you settled down."

That was.... quick. Especially since he assumed that this was her house and she didn't seem to have any problem with housing not only a complete stranger but an alien for that matter...

"That's awfully nice of you Twilight... I can't thank you enough for your kindness! Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Well...."

Warning bells started sounding the danger alarm with the way she was holding her hoof to her mouth and that disturbing smile spreading across her face.

"I don't think I should live with you."

"But! But you don't have anywhere to go! And there's so much we could learn from each other! I live in the only library in town!"

"I'll tell you what Twilight... I'll honestly think about it and get back to you ok? It's kinds.... awkward to suddenly start living in someones house."

Especially if it was a female. That usually implied you were giving her the bone or otherwise slutting yourself in a way that let you freeload. Even if he was stuck in magical land of very questionable ponies he wasn't about to take free hand outs when he could still work. After washing his face, then brushing his teeth, then washing his face, then took a piss, washed his hands, and washing his face one last time he finally felt himself ready for the day. Dr. Winters and Marevell didn't take too long to change his dressings but did offer him a sweet little deal.

"Mr. Locks? We would like to offer you an opportunity to earn a steady income if you'd be willing to undergo a few tests and physical evaluations at Ponyville Hospital. Everything will be fully explained to you each day of testing and you can come in whenever you have some spare time. We won't keep you longer than a couple of hours at the most and it give us ponies an opportunity to study some of the basics of your anatomy. I apologize for not asking your before hand but we have taken the liberty of examining a sample of your blood from yesterday and brought with us an example of the compensation we'd be willing to pay for your cooperation."

It wasn't a wad of cash or even a bag of cash. Marevell had placed a small chest that stood about a foot and a half high and two feet across. Opening it revealed what looked like gold coins with a stylized number one on them and filling the chest to the brim. He had no idea how their currency worked but from the way Twilight and Rainbow's mouths dropped at the contents he assumed it was a substantial amount.

He smiled at the two doctors who smiled back happily. If these ponies had laws anywhere near as strict as humans had, he could possibly run their hospital in the ground for violating patient consent and taking samples without his knowledge. Still, they did patch him up and if they wanted to poke and prod at him for a lot of money then it wouldn't be so bad. So long as they stayed the hell away from certain exit only holes then he could dig it.

Scooping two handfuls of the money into his pockets Locks closed the lid of the chest and held out his hand, sealing the deal with Winters and then Marevell with a hearty shake.

"It would be a pleasure ma'am and sir. If you would be so kind as to contact a legal representative I would like to establish a living will. Since I have no idea if I'm going anywhere anytime soon I'd like to donate my body and possessions for research and development should the worst occur. I do hope you can learn something from me that can benefit your kind, as I hope to learn from you during my stay here."

They looked like they wanted to hug him with those smiles.... or something more disturbing. He would seriously have to get used to those really wide and creepy pony smiles before he started having nightmares about them.

After packing their equipment away and shaking hands (Hoofs...) once more the doctors turned to leave with Luna close behind but not until she gave him a stern look.

"If you would please rest yourself Mr. Locks it would come to a great relief for my sister and I."

"Oks Lulu love you bye bye!"

She just blinked at him, took a monumentally deep breath and let out the longest, loudest sigh he had ever heard before making her exit.

"Oh! I've got some errands to run myself! Just relax here for a while Mr. Locks! Rarity should be by later today with a surprise for you and if you need anything just ask Spike!"

With a snap of the door he was left alone in the tree house with a nervous looking Spike and a shitty Rainbow who was still smugly smiling at him. That was until he turned around from both of them and promptly walked out of the door.

"Welp its time for a mother fuckin walk!"

"WHAT THE HAY?! GET BACK IN HERE!"

He was surprised at how fast Spike was at his side and Rainbow Dash was floating in front of him.

"But Twilight just said you should be resting! She'll get really mad if she finds out your walking all over town!"

"Don't even think about it you! The doctors said REST! That doesn't mean you get to go wandering about my town!"

Locks continued to walk regardless of Spikes pleas and Rainbow's bitching.

"First of all Spike... Twilight ain't my mama so I don't have to listen to her, second I don't live with her YET so I don't have to listen to her, third she doesn't pay me which means she isn't my boss so I don't have to listen to her, and finally I'm not tapping that so I don't have to listen! And Rainbow Dash is a turd burglar so I don't have to listen to her about anything."

Spike started cracking up at his remarks, and Rainbow looked like she wanted to throttle him and drag him back inside but she was hesitant. He assumed she wasn't willing to just plow him over on account of his injuries but he wondered just how long that would last before she snapped.

"What the hay does tapping it mean?"

"Well Spike when a man is tapping that a...."

"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!"

She screamed in his face so loudly that his ears began ringing, but with a smile he gently rubbed his nose against the tip of her muzzle in a very affectionate way that got her tumbling back through the air.

"One day Spike when we aren't surrounded by freakin females we're going to have some quality man time and I'll tell you all the things you need to know about tapping it."

So off the trio went into the heart of Ponyville regardless of the curious glances and some outright shock that the passerby's would show when they laid eyes on a tall gangly creature with nothing but pants on and half its body bandaged. When they entered the more densely populated market area things looked a bit more interesting.

There were scores of ponies milling about but it was like someone had turned off the sun with the way they stopped milling about to stare. There was a low murmuring flowing through the air, and poor Spike looked like he might bolt with the unease swirling about the crowds.

"I told you we should have stayed home today!"

"Spike my man, let me show you how to lighten the mood. Its one thing if these ponies are scared, but if you can show them a little something sweet that they can relate too or hell, even know first hand about then everything will be just dandy!"

With practiced ease he slipped forward a few steps and smoothly spun around three times before turning back towards Rainbow Dash. Her eyes narrowed when he started to dance, more so when he actually started singing in the middle of the road like a mad man.

"You're just too good to be true

Can't take my eyes off of you

You'd be like heaven to touch

Oh I want to hold you so much

At long last love has arrived

And I thank God I'm alive

You're just too good to be true

Can't take my eyes off of you

The thing about Locks was if he believed taking his dick out and swinging it around would embarrass one of his friends he'd do it without a second thought. So it wasn't a problem singing one of his favorite love songs for Rainbow Dash, in the middle of town, and shaking his ass all the while gesturing longingly towards the mare.

"Pardon the way that I stare

There's nothing else to compare

The thought of you leaves me weak

There are no words left to speak

But if you feel like I feel

Then let me know that is real

You're just too good to be true

Can't take my eyes off of you.

Poor Rainbow... She probably thought it was over with this mornings shenanigans, but it was far from over. The little pegasus couldn't abandon them there in the middle of town, but she couldn't throttle him in front of so many ponies even if he was dancing in the most sensual way he knew how and singing both loudly and clearly enough for everyone to hear.

"I love you baby, and if it's quite all right

I need you baby, to warm a lonely night

I love you baby. Trust in me when I say...

I love you baby, don't let me down I pray

I love you baby, now that I found you, stay

And let me love you baby, let me love you!"

In all honesty he had practiced singing this particular song to make it work with a deeper male voice, and he was proud of how well it turned out in his opinion. With a quick glance around he found a lot of smiling faces and more than a few blushes amongst the crowds, but it was Rainbow Dash who was the cream of the crop.

It didn't take a genius to figure out he was directing such an intimate song towards the mare, and she was blushing so hard that even the joints of her wings had a slight rosy hue to them. She would have been absolutely adorable if she wasn't looking at him with the intent of murdering, gutting, and strewing his mangled corpse across the mountain side after kicking him off of the top.

And then Pinkie Pie came bouncing up with the widest, happiest grin he had ever seen on a living creature.

"Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! You have such a nice singing voice! And you can dance really really well! Do you really love Dashie?! OH! I should throw a Lover's Party for the two of you! It would be super duper better than a regular welcome party! I could make it hearts and hooves day themed! And I can make couples games too!"

The little cocaine fueled bundle of nerves went bouncing around the trio babbling on an on about making it just right and mixing the fun up with romance. If there was ever a time when Rainbow Dash might have actually committed murder it was right then and there. Looking down at her with a wicked smile he rubbed salt and limes into the open wound.

"How do you like them apples Dashie?"

Word Games

The best thing about meeting new, interesting, and fairly serious people is fucking with them. Well... Ponies in this case. While Locks could understand the idea behind babysitting a potentially dangerous new species there was obviously a failure in logical thinking. Why it didn't occur to the other ponies that Rainbow Dash would make for a poor first choice after yesterday's fiasco he couldn't comprehend, but so far the day was going swimmingly and his revenge complete.

Pinkie Pie hadn't stopped babbling since she showed up, and after Locks gave Rarity as their destination she simply clapped (Clopped? it sounded like coconuts being banged together) her hooves and led the way. The entire procession was made all the sweeter by her insistent, loud, and attention drawing chatter about honeymoons, babies, and starting a family with Dashie made everything better.

Note to self, Pinkie takes things literally and extremely. That and Dashie seems to have a complex with her public image... Or she was just really pissed off, either way he eyed her over carefully and noticed that her blush wasn't going away and the rosy hue seemed to travel farther along her wings. He wondered vaguely how the hell that worked until she caught him looking and glared.

"I hope you have the speediest recovery in Equestria... Because the moment you're well I'm going to buck you so hard..."

"Oh no Dashie! You can't play with him like that! You might hurt him again even if it feels good! You have to be gentle!"

It was really hard to breath through the pain filled laughter watching the pegasus's eyes widen at that comment. He wasn't completely sure but he thought he felt his troll senses tingling. The pink one might make a superb subordinate.

"Pinkie! WE ARE NOT BUCKING!"

"It's ok Pinkie! She's just antsy because she needs the dick."

"At least I can get dick! You're not going to be getting any! EVER!"

His face dropped in horror and sadness. Pinkie turned around and with one look at his face her hair seemed to deflate into a perfectly straight entity.

"Dashie.... That hurt my soul."

"I.. I didn't mean it like that!"

"I'm going to die here alone..."

His eyes welled up with tears, and with a look of sorrow a single tear rolled down his cheek. Pinkie had walked up to him and threw her arms around his waist in a hug. Rainbow Dash looked like her pet had just died, but as much as he wanted to milk it the moment Pinkie looked up his face split into a crazed smile and it hurt to breath again.

"THAT IS NOT FUNNY MISTER!"

Her hair appeared to have some form of sentience because it fluffed back up again. Dashie's wings had flared out and her teeth were bared. He could hear the pony growling which oddly enough made them look kinda cute in a homicidal way. His attention was brought back to Pinkie who was currently jabbing him in the chest, those damn hooves were hard as hell.

"Ow ow ok! Ow Stop it you pink cretin!

"You're a bad thingy! That was an awful joke and you should feel awful!"

"Fine fine fine! Geeze. I'm sorry for making such a bad joke. Dashie started it though..."

That Rainbow colored turd had a breaking point somewhere, and while it was definitely not a healthy choice poking and prodding at her he was hellbent on seeing just how far he could go.

"WHAT THE HAY ARE YA DOIN OUTSIDE?! YA SHOULD BE RESTIN!"

Oh look, it was an apple pony selling apples, go figure. What did these tiny bundles of anger have against going outside for a walk...

"Good morning apple pony! I'm just out for a little walk to speed the recovery! Nothing to see here!"

"Rainbow Dash! Ya were supposed ta keep an eye on him today! He ain't supposed ta be doin nothin but restin!"

"WHAT?! I can't make the bucking ahole stay at the library! Can I put him into a coma?! PLEASE? He can't bother anyone if he's unconscious!"

So these females had decided to keep him supervised while he was out last night. Fair enough but at least they could have told him that much.

"Oh Really? So I'm suddenly not an adult and I need to be watched like a bad child?"

"Sugar, you were messed up yesterday... Ya can't be paradin around town any old way. Why don't ya just relax a little back at the library? We're all worried about ya."

It was time to recap his current information after he passed out. During those black hours the doctors had taken some kind of samples and were diddling around with it given the money they brought this morning, all the girls had come to the decision of keeping him monitored, and Twilight seemed really keen keeping him on a short leash and living in her house after just a little comment from him.

All of it made sense to a point, he was an alien species and everything they had done could be logically sound if they were acting with only his concern in mind... So why did he have this nagging feeling something was being left out? Best way to figure that out was to catch one of them in a lie.

Leaning down he gently cupped Applejack's cheeks in his hands and smiled affectionately.

"Thank you for your kindness Applejack. I dearly appreciate the care you and your friends have shown me and it makes me feel safe knowing there are some ponies concerned with my well being. I'm only outside for a little walk, it is very important for my kind to have a little exercise to speed our recovery but is there anything else you're worried about? Anything that I can help you with?"

Ding ding. While Applejack blushed adorably, it was her muzzle scrunching up and her eyes shifting nervously off to the left that gave it away. Living around his own kind made detecting lies a part of his daily life and in all honesty he'd seen two year old children pass off better lines. By hell this pony was an awful liar.

"N.. No sugar we're just worrin about ya hurtin yourself..."

"Oh! We should get going! Applejack probably has to get back to her booth!"

He let Pinkie Pie steer him away from the apple pony, but Locks was already smiling at her knowingly. His smile widened even more when he saw her gulp nervously. Note to self, if he wanted information just put Applejack on the grill and she'd cook nicely. Subtlety seemed to be a lacking skill as well because Dashie was glaring at Applejack, who smiled nervously and rubbed the back of her neck with a hoof before they noticed him watching. Pretending like nothing happened made it that much more obvious.

Locks loved guessing games, especially when it involved people (Ponies...) trying to keep something from him but the question remained what that thing was. Could they be trying to hide him from other ponies? That wouldn't make any sense because Dashie let him out without too much of a hassle... That train of thought also ruled out the general populace going into a blind panic at seeing him. Sure they were skittish earlier but they weren't fleeing for their lives...

"Whatcha thinkin about?"

He nearly pissed himself when his eyes glanced over to see Pinkie's face not two inches from his own. This damn horse defied a lot of general gravity rules because how the hell she managed to bounce along so effortlessly and at such height was beyond him.

"The masks we wear it smiles and lies...."

"It hides our cheeks! And shades our eyes! That's a really neat poem, but what are the lies? Lies to our peers or lies to ourselves? Are we lying for the sake of our sanity or the sake of our society you silly ducky?!"

The pink one was extremely worrisome. There was a fucking story to this pony and if his guts were anything to go by she might be more dangerous than Dashie, no matter how pissed off she may be. Speaking of the little turd she was looking at him like a cockroach at that moment.

"You look really dumb when you're thinking."

"Your face looks really dumb. How many dye jobs did it take to get that Rainbow in your hair?"

"The buck did you just say about my mane..."

"So you're dumb and deaf as well. It must be hard on you Dashie."

It was easy to lie to someone else about something, but for Locks it was damn hard lying to himself. This included the simple truth that he almost shit himself with how fast that pissed off winged pony got behind him and wrapped her front hooves around his neck. He could just make out her words through the deep growl.

"I can't wait until your all better Lockette~ Me and you have some things to straighten out."

"I love the way you feel against my body."

Turning his head around he nuzzled her cheek and neck, effectively getting her off. Spike and Pinkie seemed to be having a lovely time watching them go at one another but after a short walk they came across Rarities humble abode. Well... Abode at least. There was nothing humble about the Carousel Boutique, it was all pomp, frills, and ungodly amounts girly splendor. It was quiet on the inside, and looking at all the different styles of cloths made him wonder why every pony in town was wandering around naked... It seemed like a failed business pursuit opening a clothing store with so of them trotting along in their birthday suits

"Rainbow Dash! What are you doing here with him!"

Rarity had just stepped in from the back, a pair of small red glasses balancing on her nose and an irritated look on her face.

"Its always your fault Dashie. I'm going to make sure you get blamed for everything I do."

"I bucking hate you so much."

"I want to have your love babies!"

Rarity floated a few things away before ushering them onto a small couch with Locks taking a stool and leaving the chair for their host. After disappearing once more the mare returned with a tray containing tea and what looked like a cookie container, admonishing Dashie while she poured them all a cup.

"Really Rainbow Dash, the least you could do was convince Mr. Locks to stay inside today. You were so persistent on taking care of him last night I thought maybe you two shared enough in common to make a connection."

"Actually, Dashie here just wanted to get revenge by..."

Locks was impressed by the ring produced from the cookie container connecting with his forehead, but amazingly enough he managed to catch the container and pop the lid open for a cookie. He held up his hand to keep Pinkie and Rarity from commenting as he popped one into his mouth and smiled affectionately at the flushing pegasus. Getting yelled at by her friends would be preferable to him spilling the beans on what she did that morning.

"Dashie and Locks have been getting along really really well besides the whole assault things... Maybe its just a weird way his kind show affection or something! They've been playing all sorts of touchy feely games all day! Locks even sang Dashie a love song and danced for her close to Sugar Cube Corner! That's where I found them."

Rarity had her mouth open ready to put in her two cents on her friends behavior before she slowly closed it and arched an eyebrow at the pegasus, a slow smile curling on her muzzle.

"We are not getting along well! He's been a bucking ass all day and he's just trying to ruffle my feathers!"

"It hurts my feelings when you talk down to me like that Rainbow Dash... Its a good thing it also makes me randy. I really liked the way you tasted this morning... something like apple cider and paradise if I recall correctly."

"WHAT?!"

"RARITY! HE'S BUCKING LYING!"

"If all ponies taste that nice I might get real used to being here. What do you taste like Pinkie Pie? Are you pie flavored?"

Rainbow Dash was radiating so much anger that it might actually give him cancer. Grunting and snorting she flipped the small table, which would have been impressive if Rarity's horn didn't start glowing and caught everything, putting it back into place completely undisturbed. Pinkie on the other hand was occupied with licking her foreleg and trying to figure out her taste.

"Tiny horse flips shit and table, news at eleven!"

"Locks dear.... would you please refrain from sexually harassing my friend? I'm not even angry with her after throwing that tin at you. If this was what she's been dealing with all day I'm amazed at how much control she's shown."

"Fine.... I'll leave my dear friend alone for a little while. What have you been up to then Miss Rarity? The purple pony said you were coming by later on and I thought I'd visit you instead."

"Oh! I nearly forgot!"

Trotting over to a chest beside her work station the pony brought over two parcels of wrapped packaging, which made him wonder how exactly she managed to do it with hooves.

"By the way.... Whats the deal with your glowing head appendage?"

Sensitive subject much? Rarity went shifty eyed on him and started rubbing the back of her neck with a hoof. Instead of selling his body for science and experimentation he might look into a career as a professional gambler. Bad poker faces all around.

"Its... Well... Its just a bit of unicorn magic dear. All unicorns can do it but there is magic everywhere in Equestria. Even ponies like Rainbow Dash have magical properties."

"Am I a magical pony?"

"Ummm I'm not the right pony to ask Locks, Twilight is acutally an expert on magic... I think it would be best if you asked her."

Ding Ding. That was the second bell in not as many hours. Rarity was biting her lower lip, and after jerking his head around he caught Pinkie and Dashie bringing their heads to a stop after mid shake and looking innocently at him. So.... full time monitoring, unknown ulterior motive, touchy subject that everyone except he was aware of, Twilight wanting him to move in on the spot, was this the winning answer?

"You can ask her that stuff later though dear, I made these just for you!"

The packages consisted of two sets of cloths and one extra shirt, both pants were almost identical to the ones he was currently wearing, but the shirts were quite different. One appeared to be a buttoned burgundy dress shirt that matched perfectly with the pants, another looked closer to a regular tee shirt but the third was made out of a stretchy material that reminded him of under armor shirts.

Pulling the extra shirt on he shifted about to get a good feel of the article. While it clung to his frame it still felt nice finally having a shirt on instead of wandering around bare chested.

"Thank you very much Miss Rarity, these are very nicely made... but how exactly did you get my sizes?"

"Darling, if you've worked this job as long as I have it doesn't take more than a few looks and educated guesses to get your sizes close. They may be a little larger than what your used too but the stitch work wasn't difficult at all."

"The shirts and pants I understand, but this one doesn't leave much to the imagination does it? Do you like my form that much?"

She smiled coyly at that remark, even if Dashie gagged.

"As a reputable seamstress I can appreciate beauty anywhere Locks, and you are very well formed."

"It is more of a product of necessity than anything else, looking nice gets better tips."

"And what might you do for a living that gets you tips Mr. Locks? Especially one that requires you to be physically attractive?"

"I'm a licensed masseur..."

"Oh.... my..... Don't take this the wrong way dear, but you don't strike me as a pony in that career field."

"I'll be damned, you know what that is?"

"I happen to be a regular at Ponyville's only spa. You might find employment there if you talk with Lotus and Aloe."

"Oh my gosh! I don't know what a masseur is but Locks is a spa pony?! How does that even work?! He's been harassing Dashie all day! Does that mean he's really bad at his job?"

"He's a spa pony in a sense Pinkie dear, but not like Lotus and Aloe. The twins run an entire spa while Locks specializes in giving massages, that is unless his license covers those other jobs as well."

"That about right Rarity, it doesn't cover the operation of a whole spa but its enough to make a decent living."

He didn't like where this conversation was going, and looking over at Dashie confirmed that with the smug smile plastered over her stupid horse face.

"So you're a pervert on top of being an awful pony..."

"How the fuck does that even work?!"

"Can you ponies please watch the language!"

"What?! I've been cursing this whole time! As far as I can tell you ponies use bucking instead of fucking!"

"Oooooo Fucking sounds soooo much naughtier than bucking!"

"PINKIE PIE!"

Things That Shouldn't Be

Things were heating up in Carousel Boutique and not in the good kind of way. Pinkie was giggling like the little nut job she was and Rarity looked like she was getting a bit too frazzled with their continued barter. It didn't help having little miss Rainbow turd sliding in verbal gut shots.

"You know it makes sense having a perverted job like giving things massages... Such a nice delicate job for sweet little Lockette~"

Like any true friend Locks had this wasn't the first time he had gotten heat for his job, or his name for that matter but it was the principle of the matter that counts. Namely having this dye job commenting on his life choices while looking like the product of a rainbow having a stomach flu and vomiting up this pony.

"I think all those hair jobs are affecting your head. The dye is seeping through your thick skull and polluting your brain"

"THE BUCK DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY MANE?!"

"I SAID YOUR DYEING YOURSELF RETARDED YOU SILLY HORSE!"

"Dashie! You can't have angry sex with him! It might kill him!"

Oh god I love you pink horse. That comment had the pegasus' wings flared out and her teeth bared once more, and after some very quick dialogue that he didn't quite catch he was ushered out of the building with Pinkie and Spike, while Rarity remained with Dashie in an attempt to calm her down.

"You two really make a great couple! I bet you two go at it like there's no tomorrow don't you Locks!"

"You're the best pink horse ever."

"I'm a pony silly!"

"Hosre, pony, doesn't matter. Do you think I've needled her enough for one day?"

"Dashie is a really tough mare so I think she'll be alright even if she doesn't realize your just pulling a prank on her. A really long and drawn out prank, but a prank none the less! Do all of you thingies do this to each other where you live?"

"Only the best of friends Pinkie, only the very best of friends would put up with this level of shit."

"You didn't have that many friends back home did you....."

"Fuck no I didn't, but the ones I did have were fantastic in there levels of douche baggery"

"What's a Douche bag?"

"One day Pink pony I will explain that to you, but not today."

"Awwwww!'

Without his object of harassment the walk back to the library was remarkably boring. He asked Pinkie and Spike a few questions about Celestia and Luna, as well as if there were any other types of ponies but other than that there wasn't any outlet to replace that Rainbow colored turd.

Spike split off from the group for a trip into town, and when the remaining two reached the library Pinkie seemed to have a minor panic attack and started trotting around in circles. Apparently she had forgotten why she left her place of work, and after reassuring the pony that he would be perfectly fine for a little while by himself she went darting back into town.

Closing the door behind him Locks was confronted with the hundreds of books and dead silence. Shuddering involentarily he browsed through the shelves for something to read, anything to distract his mind as unwanted calm started settling in on him. It was like coming down from a massive high in a bad way. The whole day felt like some kind of wild trip but being in the tree house completely alone was kicking him back into reality.

Books of every kind neatly lined the shelves from history, mathematics, science, etiquette, animals, and even a huge section on magic. Pulling a single book labeled Magic 101 he took a seat at one of the work tables and dug out some ink and a quill from one of the drawers as well as yellow parchment. He was lucky in the sense that he knew calligraphy and could actually use a quill pen, but with clean paper in front of him and the book opened to the first page all he could do was sit there staring at the table.

Maybe it was the constant badgering of Dashie that kept his mind occupied or so many new sensory inputs while walking through town that got him through the day, but sitting there brought back the dull throbbing pain in his right shoulder and the smaller aches throughout his body. After having a metal shard yanked out of his shoulder it was obvious that this was real, even if he was subconsciously suppressing it here he was with a book of magic in a world filled with ponies.

He felt exhausted, and with thousands of questions floating around his mind about the particularly disturbing situation he was in the only thing he could do to keep sane was copy the first few paragraphs from the first page word by word. He didn't even have it in him to take notes or retain anything new. Just the sound of his quill scratching at the parchment and the act of doing something was enough.

"Magic is in essence a fabric of our worlds very being that permeates nearly every living entity and natural course in some way shape or form. For those gifted individuals with the ability to manipulate these forces, one can alter this fabric to benefit not only themselves but every member of society as well. One should however understand that magic, while functioning along certain rules within the natural world, can be whatever the wielder of these forces chooses them to be. Thus we find ourselves with the very means to warp, corrupt, and utterly annihilate everything around us without proper education and limitations set forth in learning. The smallest steps in magic are always taken for the safety of every being around us, and in this book the foundation set will prevent many of the risks associated with the powers to mold the world around us. We urge our readers to seek counseling from a professional teacher in conjunction with the texts to ensure the safest and most beneficial education possible."

"The first step in wielding magic is to gather a small amount into ones horn and holding it there carefully. Magic is a integral part of any unicorn, and can be manifested through the horn by first gathering a measure of ones own will and desire to do so. For this exercise, imagine the force required to move this very book with ones hoof. Just the smallest amount is necessary when doing so physically, but that same restraint should be used in gathering the necessary magic to shift it with ones horn. As a precaution, the practitioner should have a single gem with the capability to store magic. Should the wielder find themselves with too much magic gathered, or are too nervous to attempt the simple action the gem is more than capable of storing the magic safely without the inherent risk of miss firing the spell."

This was ridiculous. It was bad enough he could actually read the book let alone having every pony walking around with a horn being mild mannered godlings. Was this what the girls were so worked up about earlier to keep him monitored? Sure magic was a huge fucking myth amongst humans but really, its not like any of them could do it. There was no way in hell the human race would have survived if people were running around hurling lightning bolts at each other and fucking with reality.

At least he wasn't going nutty anymore, even if the book in front of him was bat shit crazy. Maybe there were some other books on the shelves with something more believable. If magic was here maybe there was alchemy too.... that would be a little more easy to slip into. Looking at his left hand he envisioned what the book asked, gathering a force of his will towards his half curled fingers and calling on the memory of squishing a kiwi in his fist as a base.

His eyes had to have been fucking with him. For just a second he could have sworn he saw the tiniest little arc of electricity playing across his palm and felt the distinct tingly sensation of being shocked. He smiled like a kid playing with matches for the first time in their lives, but in this case it was matches that could fuck up reality if he wasn't careful. Closing his eyes he calmed his breathing down and imagined the same force in his mind, only this time it was coming from the center of his chest and moving down his arm into his left hand.

This time he heard crackling, but keeping his eyes closed and concentrating he kept the energy moving until it was in the palm of his hand. When he opened his eyes he almost squealed with joy. Playing across his hand and slightly up his arm was what looked like black and purple lightning, and at the center of his palm was a small orb of the stuff occasionally sending off an arc down his arm before moving back to the orb.

Fuck everything, he currently had a fist full of lightning and nothing else mattered. The level of awe inspiring joy was only interrupted by the bang from the front door. Turning around he saw Rainbow Dash looking just as pissy as she always had, but her face shifted from angry, to shock, and then to horror at the maniacal grin on his face and the ominous lightning arcing around his fist.

"Oh buck me...."

"Come here you sexy pony... Let me touch you with my mighty lightning bolt!"

She immediately turned around and made a break for the door.

Outside Twilight was trotting her way back to the library with Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy in tow, studiously lecturing Pinkie on leaving Locks alone in the library unattended.

"We all agreed yesterday that he had to be watched Pinkie! If there was no one else around you should have waited for Rainbow Dash to show up again! Speaking of Rainbow she shouldn't have pestered us about watching him first if she doesn't even like the guy."

"I know we agreed to do this Twilight but Locks can't get into too much trouble on his own! You said it yourself he might not be able to read so there's no trouble there... And besides Locks and Dashie are besties! They get along really really well!"

"Darling please, they're like a married couple with the way they bicker and fight... But I do suspect something is going on with the two. They seem to be hiding something together..."

"That's just yer gossip turnin up Rarity. There ain't nothin goin on with that mare and that weird critter."

It was about that time they saw Twilights library door smash open with a panicked Rainbow Dash flying through the exit. The only problem was she stopped dead as black and purple lightning coursed around her tail. The mare's wings were pumping so quickly they were nothing more than a blur producing a deep humming sound. A single flash appeared beside them, and Princess Luna along with Dr. Meadows appeared at the groups side. They were about to greet them when they noticed the struggling mare in the door way.

Rainbow Dash was slowly being dragged back through the door, and while she grabbed the frame and tried to crawl back out they heard a depraved laughter echo out of the library.

"PREPARE THY ANUS BELOVED RAINBOW PONY!"

"GIRLS! HELLLLLP!"

She was finally pulled through the door, which slammed shut behind her leaving the small group standing there with their eyes bulging and their faces burning red. Applejack was the first to recover.

"HOLD ON SUGAR CUBE WE'RE COMIN!"

Bucking the door open unceremoniously the small group saw Rainbow Dash with her back against a wall and her eyes wide in terror. Locks was standing in front of her with what looked like a deep shade of pink lightning crackling along his right hand.

Everything was fantastic with the world. Locks could use magic, and in front of him was a terrified Rainbow Dash who thought he was going to give it to her in the butt. He had other plans however, and though he took a few seconds to concentrate he changed the magic in his hands into something far more suitable for this particular mare. His mind recalled every memory he could about softness, the warm fuzzy feeling of petting a puppy, that heart wrenching yet wonderful affection of cuddling a soft little kitten, basically every sense of adorable affection went into the magic, and seeing it turn from black/purple into a hot pink confirmed its appropriate shift.

He wanted her to feel these things, experience the same emotions he was pouring into the magic and with a wink he held out two fingers towards her and let the magic arc between the before colliding with the mare. His legs seemed to turn into jello, and falling to his knee he looked up to see if it had worked.

The girls were in shock as they saw the pink lightning arc into Rainbow Dash, but their shock slowly tuned to confusion when they saw her completely unharmed and standing on all four hooves. The mare's wings were spread out and flapping erratically, and the biggest, dopey grin spread across her blushing face as she looked at her friends. Applejack was on top of Locks in the next few heart beats, shaking his shoulders and yelling at him.

"WHAT IN THE HAY DID YA DO TO MAH FRIEND?!"

So slinging about magic apparently took a hell of a lot out of you, and Locks was having a hard time concentrating, but with a few more shakes he blinked up at Applejack and cupped her face in his hands.

"Evil love beam."

"What....."

Rainbow Dash let out a very girly giggle, and when Applejack turned her head to look at her she was currently rolling about on the ground giggling with her wings still flapping oddly. For a moment she was on her back, gently kicking her hooves into the air and once more giggling before she rolled unsteadily back to her hooves. Looking around her started staring at the girls and trotted up to them with that dopey grin plastered across her face. On the outside she simply looked like she was drunk.

"C'mere flutters..."

Applejack couldn't suppress the snort of laughter when she watched her friend pounce Fluttershy and start nuzzling her like a cat, muttering dreamily even as the other pegasus squeaked and tried to crawl away.

"So soft and cuddly.... I love you flutters..."

Locks let his arms flop to his sides as he heaved through a deep and pain filled laughter. He felt almost as bad as he had yesterday, yet seeing Dashie act that way somehow made up for it.

"Behold, the second and most diabolical magic ever produced by a human.... The Evil Love Beam!"

Face hooves. They all slammed their hooves into their faces which actually looked like it hurt a lot. Sure he was going to have hell to pay for doing it, but by damn he was going to streamline that little bit of magic until he could start lobbing it all over the place with impudence. For now though he was content with just passing out there on the spot.

Dark Places

Applejack poked at Locks' chest and cheek, carefully looking over the creature to see if there was anything outwardly wrong with him. When she dipped her head to listen to his breathing she looked up at her friends and shrugged her shoulders.

"He's knocked out cold but he ain't hurt in any way I can tell."

While the group looked at the strange creature that had appeared in their world not two days prior they couldn't help but giggle at Rainbow Dash, who still had poor Fluttershy in her hooves. Rarity managed to coax the befuddled pegasus away from Fluttershy and squealed with delight as she rubbed her chest and belly, causing the pegasus to rub against the floor and gently kick her hooves into the air.

"He has got to teach me that spell! Dashie is just the most precious little thing!"

"Rarity! That's yer friend rollin about on the floor and ya want ta keep her messed up like that?!"

"Aw come now darling! Just give her a little pet!"

Pinkie was beside the other mare in a second and was gently rolling the giggling pegasus about on the floor. Luna stepped over to flip Locks unceremoniously onto his stomach and sighed heavily, helping the doctor remove his shirt to change the bandage on his shoulder.

"It would be best to leash Mr. Locks in some manner after that.... fiasco. He doesn't seem to have any idea how dangerous the forces he's using can be."

Another girly giggle sounded from Dashie, and while the pegasus rolled about with Pinkie she pawed towards the desk.

"He's a bad pony... He was doing stuff over there when I came in...."

Twilight was the first to the desk and flipped the book over to reveal the title, and after picking through the desk found his written notes and opened to the page marked.

"Ok... so lets try to piece together how this all happened. Locks found this book and started copying the words down verbatim. Then at some point Dashie came in and then tired to flee."

"Hold on a tick sugar. How the hay did that there critter use magic ta pull Dashie back inside? I thought it took years to figure out how ta even manipulate it."

"How did he even gather magic at all darling? He doesn't have a horn... That and it takes a lot of control just to pick something up. We all saw how Dashie was trying to fly away, and she's one of the top flyers in Ponyville and Cloudsdale."

"The book gives the first example of magic as a form of physical force. If we assume he somehow figured out to gather that force and use it to pull Rainbow Dash inside then he either knew exactly how much he needed our just kept pouring more magic into the spell."

"How do ya know he was usin a spell at all? Does the critter do magic like ponies?"

The unicorn rubbed her temples hard. Without him awake there was too much left out and she didn't want to leave any room for error when it came to something as delicate as this. Luna broke the silence.

"Regardless of how he might have come to the magic if he had grabbed Rainbow Dash anywhere else there is a high likely hood he could have killed her."

"That's the problem Princess! We don't know if he grabbed her tail out of convenience or precaution! I should have stayed here and addressed this immediately!"

"It is unfortunate that things turned out as they did Twilight, but my sister had good reason to devise a method of dealing with him. Remember who gave you your orders before placing the blame solely on yourself."

Dr. Meadows had finished with Locks and carefully turned him over onto his back, and after observing Rainbow Dash for a few moments preformed a series of spells on the mare.  The pegasus yawned tiredly and trotted over to Locks where she laid down over his face.

"I'ma smoother you with cuddles... you stop breathing under there...."

Applejack darted over to them and pulled the mare off of Locks when they noticed the creature start struggling weakly underneath her. Dr. Meadows coughed gently to get their attention.

"The mare is under a very crude compulsion spell. It seems that the... affectionate effects are wearing off because it was only powered by the magic used to create and release it. I'm suprised something so badly formulated has lasted so long."

Before any of them could say anything Locks sat up so quickly all of them jumped back in shock. The silence was only broken by his very low muttering.

"threshold exceeded.... magical exertion same as physical strain.... blacked out......."

Twilight snatched a quill and parchment from the table, frantically jotting down his words as Dashie trotted back up to him and pushed him over again onto his good shoulder.

"You're a bad pony... but sokay... I know why you're a bad pony..... I saw inside your head..."

His hand flopped over her face.

"get outta there.... its not a nice place....."

"You try too hard.... if you're sad then act sad......"

"shut up pony.... get outta my head....."

"You can't hide it from me.... I'm in your head... touching your things...."

"you are drunk pony, go to bed."

Rainbow Dash cradled his head in her front hooves and curled her body closer too him. Extending a wing she completely concealed his head and shoulders.

"I'ma stay right here... and when I'm not feelin cuddly.... I'ma mess you up."

"you're the best....... pony friend I have......."

"I'ma.... break... your legs..."

They both seemed to run out of steam, and while the rest of the girls looked at them with mixed amounts of concern an humor Twilight spoke up after finishing her dictation.

"Has anypony ever heard of a compulsion spell that could link two minds?"

"We may be dealing with an innate magical ability unique with his kind..."

"There will be no more conjecture. Dr. Meadows, I will retrieve you first thing in the morning for another dressing change. Twilight, be ready when we arrive with Mr. Locks. We will set boundaries for our... guest or I will see him in the dungeons for misuse of magic."

Applejack and Rarity moved to dislodge Rainbow Dash from his head when Luna stamped her hoof. Her own magic flowed around her horn before a small black runes to appear along Dashie's hooves.

"That should be more than enough to keep Miss Dash protected from his magic. I'm ordering you girls to leave them be. Mr. Locks has dug his own grave, it is only right that he should lay in it."

The girls paled as they looked at the sleeping mare and Locks, shivering at the thought of what would happen should their friend wake up first with her hooves already wrapped around his throat.

"I recken it is his fault.... but I kinda feel bad for the critter."

"Oh don't worry Applejack! They really are friends so I don't think Dashie will kill him... Just throttle him a bit! Yeah! Then they'll be back to fighting like a married couple!"

"Darling.... I don't think you understand how that mare feels about her personal image...."

"Dashie was just acting a little bit on the touchy side. It wasn't that bad, it was kinda neat to see that side of her."

"That there is the problem Flutters. If that gal remembers anythin from tonight she's gonna be hot seven ways ta Sunday. I don't think she wanted anypony ta ever see that side."

Smiling down deviously Luna plucked a single blanket from a near by closet and draped it over the two.

"I will endeavor to return early tomorrow. I do not wish to miss a decent throttling."

Apparently Luna still had something of a mean streak in her as she signaled Dr. Meadows to follow and left without another word. The girls could only look at the two sleeping forms once more before taking their leave as well, chattering all the way out the door.

"This don't feel right in any kinda way. Can't we put the critter ta work or somethin? He's gonna be more messed up that he was a few days ago."

"I know how you feel darling, but orders are orders.... He did bring this onto himself.... But wasn't Dashie the most precious little thing ever?! Oh! Imagine if we got some pictures of her rolling about like a cat!"

"That ain't no way ta treat a friend Rarity.... but I'm thinkin it ain't gonna be the last time she gets nailed with that crazy spell.... and I wouldn't mind puttin a few of them pictures in ta a scrapbook...."

"Come on Spike. We better get some sleep while we can, we might need to save him from Rainbow Dash in the morning.... Hopefully he makes enough noise to wake us up in time."

Funny thing about dreams, sometimes you know the moment your in one and no matter how much you don't want to be there it won't let you go. Locks was standing in front of a large pane of glass inside of a white room, and in front of him was the image that he had been desperately trying to get away from. It was a church, filled with men and women dressed in all black with a single long coffin sitting in the front.

He was surprised at how many people where there, and he knew that there was no way he could be counted as dead so soon after going missing. His car going off the bridge would make the news for sure, but its shell was here in Equestria along with his still living body. There may never be a funeral at all since he literally vanished from his own world into this one, but it didn't change the fact that everyone he knew and loved was now gone.

It was only when he turned away from the image that he noticed a man standing on his right with his hands held behind his back. Looking up into the aged face, it was hard for him to recognize his own grandfather looking forty years younger. Last time he had seen him the man had a hundred year old face, but he couldn't ever forget that hard look.

"I'm not dead Pa Pa. It isn't right."

"I know it grand son, somethin you should know too. When your time does come, it'll be me who comes to get you."

"Its not fair. I had so much back home...."

"No point in dwelling on it. You got dealt a bad hand grand son, simple as that and there ain't nothin you can do about it."

"I don't want to make a new home."

"You don't got a choice boy. Life's a lot harder than death, but in all these years I've been dead I'd still live again if I could. It ain't fair, and it sure as hell ain't kind, but you got a ways to go before you can let go."

In front of them people were lining up to pay their final respects, and he cringed inwardly at the way they laid roses down on top of the closed coffin. There wasn't even a corpse to say goodbye to.

"I know its hard on you grand son and I know you don't want to deal with it, but them folks have done real good by you all things considering. It's wrong of you to treat'em anyway you want. At least give the things a chance."

Curtains slowly closed over the glass pane, and after adopting the same stance as his grandfather Locks took a deep breath and tried to settle his mind or at least do something to that extent since it was only a dream. He felt a strong hand pat his shoulder and give him a small shake, and for a moment he did feel a bit of peace settle over him. It might take a long time to get over what was happening, but at least he had something to cope with.

"That reminds me. Its a strange place you've ended up in grand son, and maybe some people need a little warning before we part ways."

Looking up at his grandfather Locks noticed him staring hard behind them, and turning his head slowly he saw two vary familiar mares sitting in the chairs not too far back.

Rainbow Dash was staring wide eyed at the two of them, and next to her was Luna who was just about to take a bite from a hoof full of popcorn. Locks blinked owlishly at them, but in that time his grandfather was leaning down with his arms slung over there necks, staring back at him with a smile.

"My grand son might have let you in here without knowin it, but I don't think I need to tell you this stays here little lady. A man only wants to show his weak side to the woman he loves, and since you ain't fillin that spot its only right to keep this quite."

Patting Rainbow Dash on the head he turned towards Luna with a much harder glare.

"You though.... You ain't got no damn right being here at all, but you are helping my fool ass grand son so I'll let it slide. Don't think you can go pokin around anything you please."

His arm slipped from around her neck and smacked the popcorn bag she had in one hoof onto the ground, and looking back at Locks he shook his head and sighed heavily.

"Pa Pa.... No offense sir but you're dead."

"Dead back home but not dead altogether boy. I think you'll fit in easily enough. Some of these damn critters are just as dumb as you are."

"I love you too Pa Pa."

"As do I grand son. Our world might be done with you, but this one ain't. Try not to drag our name through the dirt boy, some of us worked damn hard on it."

"I think you only worked so hard because Lockette is an awful name Pa Pa."

"Yeah it is, and whenever you have a son that poor bastard is gonna have the same name. The tradition might be asinine, but its tradition."

The world seemed to shadow out and with one last contented sigh Locks drifted in the wonderfully void blackness of sleep.

Sunshine

Locks didn't get the nice feeling of waking up slowly and blissfully. After his dream it felt like being catapulted back into reality. To be fair his face was buried in something very warm and fuzzy, and as he shifted his body on the hard floor he felt his head being pulled more closely against that warm fuzzy thing. Bringing his right hand up to rub his eyes he noticed a dreadful wetness that made him cringe inwardly.

When he did manage to make sense of what was going on around him he realized with a shiver that his face had been buried in blue fur. Cyan colored to be exact, that and the particular mare it belonged to would most likely have something painful or possibly even deadly in store for him after yesterday. Something far worse happened though when he felt her release a hiccup and a sniffle. Looking slowly up at her he felt his heart contract in his chest.

Rainbow Dash was nothing but huge magenta eyes filled with tears streaking down her muzzle. It was the saddest, most adorable thing he had ever seen and with a shutter he realized that the dream was real in all of its awful clarity. The only thing he could relate her with was a tiny puppy whimpering for its missing master, nothing but big sad eyes and heart wrenching little hiccups. It was a torrential downpour of feels that he didn't want to stand in.

Pushing her away with his hands he rolled across the floor.

"NOPE!"

He felt like shit, his guts felt like it was trying to devour his spine, and the dream that contained extremely personal feelings had been shared with two females. Locks was perfectly content with taking the man route and simply burying those painful thoughts and feelings until he either forgot about them or developed some form of psychosis. The last thing he wanted was the gushing emotions of two strangers that he barely knew.

Locks tried to push himself onto his feet, but with a grunt of pain he fell back as Rainbow Dash slammed into his side and pinned him onto his back.

"STOP. BEING. A. BUCKING. ASS. LOCKS!"

He wondered if he was in fact the first human to be bitch slapped by a pony. Regrettably it seemed that Dashie wasn't the weepy hugging type, but the slap you in the face until you're all better ones. Needlessly to say, hooves are hard as fuck and each smack held enough emotional fuel to cause his head to jerk about as she punctuated each word. When she was finally done she simply sat on top of him with her front hooves pressing into his chest and sniffled.

"Why do you have to be a dick Locks? If its bothering you so much then you could have said something!"

"That's the point Dashie. I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want this kind of thing to occur. I was expecting hugs though, but I guess being slapped about will have to do."

Even with blood collecting in his mouth his stomach let go of another loud and painful growl, thankfully getting Dashie off of him long enough to get up and wobble his way towards the extra cloths Rarity gave him.

"Alright Dashie, I need to bathe and get something to eat before we have anymore touchy feely time. I'll be back in a minuet."

Taking a glance back he could see that her eyes were a lot dryer than before, and that earlier sadness was replaced by a harder angrier look. He smirked just to piss her off a little more, hearing a low growl even from across the room as he disappeared into the bathroom. Anger he could deal with, yelling he could deal with, sadness, crying, and puppy eyes was what killed him on the inside, so keeping Dashie pissed off would do wonders for his state of mind.

When he finished taking a shower and brushing his teeth Locks found Dashie standing beside a plate of what looked like french fries but.... with something off about them. He smirked again when he saw her blushing and looking away.

"I... I made you some hay fries...."

Taking one of the things he chewed reflectively before realizing that even in his state of hunger it wasn't something he could eat. He was pretty sure hay was on the list of things humans couldn't consume, but smiling gently he cupped the pegasus' cheeks in his hands and kissed her forehead. Strange thing was her wings flared out at the touch.

"Thank you for the thought Dashie, but humans can't eat hay.... I'm thinking we're going to a restaurant with an extended menu so I can see if there's anything on there that I can have."

She jerked away from him and growled, but with her wings still flared out and that blush on her cheeks it made it hard to be intimidated by her.

"Oh no! You just want to get out of what happened yesterday! You're not leaving today!"

"I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have slapped me around that hard if I hadn't done anything yesterday....."

"That's!... no I didn't...... You deserved it!"

"I'm going to get food Dashie, you can stay here if you like but I need to eat. The only thing I've had for the past few days were a couple of cookies from the tin you beamed at my head."

"..........."

Filling his two pockets from his small chest they just got out of the door when the royal sisters landed in front of them. By this time Locks was used to seeing Luna but this was only the second time he'd seen Celestia.

"Its regrettable we didn't get here in time... Your face is looking a little puffy today Mr. Locks, are you alright?"

"My face is a little fucked up... You can probably here it in my P's and B's but its cool fuck it..."

"And where might you be heading Mr. Locks?"

"To find food Lulu, since I haven't had anything resembling a meal in nearly two days."

Locks cut around Luna and tried to walk towards town when he felt her hoof wrap around his right shoulder and across his chest, turning him towards Celestia.

"Why don't you relax for a while I get you something Mr. Locks? My sister wanted to talk to you about yesterday anyways."

With a long, deep, and irritated sigh he did the first thing that came to mind in dealing with Luna. Throwing his left arm around her neck he leaned into her and licked the front of her muzzle up to the tip of her nose. He felt the woman's wings pop out behind him and watched her face contort in rage. An aura appeared around her horn, and her eyes seemed to bleed out color until he was looking into two solid white orbs that promised a painful demise. That was however until he spoke again with a smirk.

"You know what you taste like Lulu? You taste like popcorn. I'm surprised you didn't bring any this morning, its one of the things here I know humans can eat."

It never failed to amaze him how a female could flip their emotions around in an instant, and Luna's rage turned into a look of shock. Her eyes shifted nervously towards Celestia, who was looking at her in that sibling kind of way when the younger one fucked up and the eldest knew she would have to pay for it. Smiling at Celestia he tapped Luna on the nose.

"Celesssssstia..... Did you know Lulu likes popcorn?"

"I actually do.... She especially likes popcorn when she's enjoying a show of some sort."

"Yeah.... I'ma go find some food now since Lulu didn't bring any to share today."

It seemed Luna hadn't mentioned her escapades last night, which probably was the only reason he was still breathing since he was pretty sure she would have turned him inside out or something equally horrible. Since she decided to throw him under the bus and tell big mama about what happened yesterday it was only fair he did the same to her. He wondered how many times Luna had gotten a lecture from her older sister about screwing around in other peoples dreams.

"So what's up Sunshine? I figured running a country takes up a lot of time so I'm assuming Lulu told on me."

"What you did yesterday was extremely dangerous Locks. Everyone is lucky that events ended the way they did with no pony hurt."

"I took a few precautions to keep it that way Sunshine."

"And what precautions did you take? Seeing as it was your first time wielding magic I can safely assume you know nothing about it."

"Easy enough, grab something that wouldn't break or otherwise get damaged. Dashie's tail looks a bit lopsided but she's no worse for wear."

"So forcing a pony into a compulsion spell is no real harm done?"

"Only to my best friend Sunshine, only to my best friend."

"You do this sort of thing to your friends...."

"Oh no, no I gotta break this pony in nice and gentle. Just wait until we know each other a little while longer."

He smiled back at Dashie who was rubbing her temple tiredly. When they did find a suitable eatery with outside tables Locks pulled the chairs out for each of them.

"Tell you what Sunshine, we haven't been very honest with each other since I got here. We both have something to hide, and I'm glad to see that while certain ponies came across that particularly nasty bit of information I've been keeping under the table its nice they haven't told you or anyone else."

"Locks... We want to help you. We've done nothing besides try to settle you in and protect you..."

"I got that, but you wouldn't be here now if it wasn't for me using magic. We'll keep our agendas to ourselves if that makes you more comfortable. I know you can't build trust without trust so I'll go out on a limb here Sunshine. Ask a favor."

"We shouldn't be dishonest or hide things from each other at all Locks."

"Last chance Sunshine. Ask for one free favor and we'll put everything else behind us. Maybe if I trust any of you ponies more in the future I'll come out at tell you whats been bugging me. For the time being though I just want something to keep my mind occupied... it's like the old saying goes. A mind without purpose will wander in dark places."

Celestia looked at him thoughtfully for a few seconds, and as Locks leveled his own stare he wondered where this ruler would go with so much freedom just handed to her.

"Promise me never to use magic to harm another."

"That might get me killed, but I'll humor you. I promise never to use magic to harm another creature except in the defense of my life or the defense of another."

She smiled in a very motherly kind of way when she held out a hoof to seal the promise, but Locks held up his hand and waved a waitress over. The pony ran back into the restaurant and returned shortly after carrying a knife in her teeth.

"You seem like an old fashioned gal Sunshine, we'll seal this deal the old way."

After making a small slash across the palm of his right palm he handed the knife over to the monarch, who lifted the blade and made her own cut just above her hoof. When Locks held his bleeding hand out an urge to bring his own magic forward caused his hand to ark magic between his fingers and along his arms.

"I, Lockette Hekmet hereby swear never to harm another creature with magic excluding the defense of my life or the defense of an innocent."

The moment their limbs met he felt something akin to a massive shock travel up his arm and settle over his body before finally fading away. When he looked at his hand and Celestia's hoof there was no trace of blood or the wounds either of them made.

"You know, you could have asked me to be a nice person or to obey your orders..."

"I think you are a nice person Locks, and I also think you'll do whats right when asked."

"I don't think the other ponies are convinced Sunshine."

"That's because you haven't given them a reason to be."

Celestia rose from her seat and carefully paced around the table towards him, and after placing her hooves around his shoulders gave him a gentle hug.

"I'm leaving you in good hooves Mr. Locks, try not to drive them crazy."

"You're a good gal Sunshine, come visit me for a chat sometime."

Returning her hug Locks watched the monarch and Luna step away from their table before vanishing in a flash of light, leaving him there alone with his best friend.

"About damn time. Now its just you and me Dashie... What does my lovely little pony want to share on our date?"

"Buck my life."

It Begins Again

Locks was feeling fantastic. So what if the ponies didn't have any meat on their menus, they had banana chocolate chip pancakes and coffee. After two stacks of the delicious things and four cups of strong black coffee he felt like a million bucks. The only damper on the morning was a certain irate pegasus who was poking at her own half eaten stack of pancakes.

"What's the matter Dashie? Are you mad because I'm still not giving you the dick?"

Their waitress happened to be trotting up to refresh his coffee, and it pained him to see the pot of pure bliss fall to the ground.

"WHY?! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS SO EARLY IN THE MORNING!"

"BECAUSE YOU DON'T HOLD ME AFTER WE MAKE LOVE!"

"WE ARE NOT BUCKING!"

"YEAH WE AREN'T! I WON'T GIVE IT TO YOU HARD AND DIRTY ANYMORE!"

Dashie seemed to be a little on the strained side today, so instead of her usual growling and glaring she went flying over the table with her hooves digging into his chest and driving him out of his chair onto his back. Like any man with something either burning them or attached in an awful way to the body Locks started rolling furiously on the ground in an attempt to dislodge her. Unfortunately Dashie had no intention of being shaken off, and wrapped her back legs around his waist.

"I SAID I WAS GOING TO BUCK YOU UP! TAKE IT LIKE A STALLION!"

"I LOVE IT WHEN YOU'RE ROUGH WITH ME!"

There was a small crowd gathering around the two, and Locks actually started laughing when he felt the mare currently riding his back throw her front hooves around his neck and started biting his head.

"YOU'RE BUCKING SICK! JUST DIE ALREADY!"

They both stopped dead when they saw the flash of a camera, and turning towards the source Pinkie Pie snapped another shot and placed the produced picture into the small saddlebag on her back.

"Pinkie.... Give me those pictures......"

"No can do Dashie! I have to keep such precious pictures of you two having your first date!"

It took everything he had to keep Dashie against his body as he held the mare down.

"RUN PINK HORSE RUN!"

Once more he found himself wrestling the ticked off pegasus, this time though he was basically riding her to keep the pony from chasing after her retreating friend.

"Sup Rainbow Dash."

Seeing as the mare froze Locks arched an eyebrow as he got to his feet and looked towards the voice. There were two pegasi standing behind him. Both wore some kind of form fitting body suit and while one had goggles and a mask on the smaller of the two had the mask pulled down. By the voice she was a yellow mare with orange spiky hair and smirking at Dashie.

"Didn't know you liked this place Dash.... Or fooling around with.... Whatever that thing is."

"It... I.... But!"

"I'm not a thing satchel ass."

Dead silence. Almost like horror movie silence where the only sound was the collective inhale of breath. The mare that had called him a thing was looking at him in mild shock. It was the other pony with her that broke the silence.

"This is Spitfire.... The captain of the Wonderbolts..... the best flyers in the world.... the best flyer in the world...."

"Bro. You're never going to wash the shit off of your muzzle if your head goes any further up her ass. She called me a thing, I called her a wide load, I don't really care about that other stuff."

A slow vicious smile spread across Spitfire's muzzle, and with that same agonizingly slowness she lifted into the air until they were eye level.

"No pony has talked to me that way in years...."

"I'm not a pony, and I'll talk the talk and walk the walk. Can ya dig it Chiquita?"

"Oooooooooh so you have balls and a spine huh? I wonder how easy it would be to break them."

This was the second pony that Locks couldn't easily heckle. Rainbow Dash might have gotten angry or even a little rough but she was nothing compared to the hot streak Luna had in her. Dashie might rough him up, but Luna would have turned him inside out this morning if he didn't have an ace ready. Spitfire was a lot like Luna, and while her eyes weren't turning white with killing magic he could see easily enough that she wouldn't hesitate to stomp in into the dirt.

He didn't have an ace with her, and he couldn't back down without looking like a little bitch so he did the next best thing. He licked the pony from the bottom of her muzzle to the tip of her nose right before he closed the distance so that their foreheads were touching. If you can't beat them then bluff and pray for survival.

"I tongued princess Luna just a few hours ago Spitfire, and since I'm boss enough to get away with it I think my balls can handle a gal like you."

She looked like she was about to snap the moment he licked her, but the mare's eyes widened at his blatant statement. He had her, he just needed a little bit more....

"You're bucking lying. Princess Luna would have turned you inside out if you pulled that shit with her."

His hands came around with all the force he could muster into them and landed with resounding smacks on either sides of her ass.

"I would have done it to Celestia, but Luna was being pushy this morning. She tasted like buttered popcorn."

It was weird watching he eyes narrow with pure rage and then widen once more at the comment about Luna's taste. So there he was, his hands firmly gripping a pegasus' ass and his forehead pushing against Spitfire's. He was expecting a lot of things from the best flyer in Equestria, maybe a hoof to the jaw or a hateful rebuke or maybe even getting bucked to death. What he didn't expect was her eyes growing terribly soft and half lidded. The kind of way you'd see a lady in the bedroom. That and the tongue.

Ponies had long tongues. Really long, really dextrous, and thicker tongues than humans did. Suddenly feeling said appendage swirl around the very personal space inside his mouth had him reeling back and on his ass, spiting and gagging. Spitfire on the other hand was laughing her fat ass off.

"Awww what's the matter baby? You can put out, but you can't take a little bit of you're own medicine."

"That was sick woman! I have no idea where your mouth's been!"

Before he could get to his feet Spitfire was on top of him pinning his shoulders to the ground with her front hooves.

"I like you, whatever you are. If half the shit you talk is true then you're alright in my book. Slap my ass again though and you'll be cleaning it with your tongue."

Sexual harassment in the amusing context was always nice to work over on the ponies. They seemed really shy on the subject so that was the first thing he went for. It didn't seem like it worked on Spitfire though, and his mind was thoroughly against continuing down that path. His pride, and his dick to be more precise had a different train of thought where he should slap her ass and show her who has the cock between the two of them.

So slap her ass he did, this time with a sensual squeeze added for good measure.

"Since you're so obsessed with tongues I've got something for you to clean sexy."

Gay chicken. Locks had seen other straight men pull some of the most homosexual acts with each other to prove their straightness. It was a completely retarded game that made no sense, and Locks had sworn he'd never play such a stupid game. He wasn't playing exactly the same game with Spitfire since she was a woman after all, but since she was a pony it was so damn close it sent a chill down his spine. His blood froze when she spoke.

"I've got work to do Stud, but there's a special occasion coming in a few days. We'll finish what we started then. What's your name big boy?"

"Locks...."

"His name's Lockette!"

"YOU FESTERING CUNTBAG!"

"Oooooh baby, I can't wait to make you my bitch Lockette~ I'll see you at practice in a couple of weeks Dash, make sure Lockette here gets plenty of rest."

With that the two pegasi went into the restaurant, leaving him alone with the giggling child beside him. Getting up and dusting himself off again Locks gave a few more bits to their waitress for the trouble, and trudged back to the Library with Dashie laughing the whole way. He should have listened to his brain, he shouldn't have done it, but he convinced himself that everything would be fine. So Spitfire was into that kind of thing, he was sure just stating his discomfort would have her see reason.

"I'm going to video tape your ass getting wrecked by Spitfire!"

"I ain't scared of no spiky haired pony Dash, besides its not like she's going to actually do anything. We were just fooling around."

"I'll just tell her your a nutless little prick who's backing down then."

"Listen here cuntbag, I'm not backing down from shit! And I'll be damned if I get one-overed by a talking pony."

"Oooooo someone sounds like they're nervous......"

Sighing with irritation he let Rainbow Dash have her jabs as they made their way towards the library. Once they made it inside though there were a couple of new ponies he hadn't seen before. Twilight was there sipping tea with Rarity, Spike chowing down on what looked like a muffin but the two new mares or at least he really fucking hoped they were mares by how girly they looked, smiled up at him.

They were twins, with inverse colored hair and coats, the blue one with pink hair rising with her sister and trotting over offering to shake his hand.... hoofs.... whatever.

"Monsieur Locks? It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Le plaisir est pour moi. Je n'ai pas eu le privilège de rencontrer deux d'entre vous..."

Locks knelled to take her hoof in his hand, and gently kissed the end of it smiling up at the twins. The sound of shattering glassware had him smiling all the more with Twilight and Rarity gawking at him in shock.

"Monsieur Locks.... Je ne savais pas que vous parliez notre langue..."

"Je suis encore très nouveau ici, mais permettez-nous changeons de commune pour le bien de nos amis."

The twins giggled at this, the pink one turning to Rarity."

"Madame Rarity... You did not tell us Mr. Locks was so well spoken or a gentlecolt."

"I..... I didn't know he could speak another language......"

Blue smiled fondly at him before speaking again.

"It is a pleasure to meet you Locks. My name is Lotus, and this is my twin Aloe. Madame Rarity told us of a particular stallion looking for a job as a spa pony..."

"I would love some normality after coming here the way I did Lotus, I'm certain just about every pony in town heard at least some kind of rumor about me floating around."

Aloe picked up for her sister when she looked away with a blush.

"We did hear of you Mr. Locks.... but the rumors were of a.... coarse male."

"A bit of a cover if I do say so myself Aloe. I'd prefer to retain something of a negative image. It keeps ponies from prying into a personal life that I'd rather not delve into at the moment. I assure you my dear twins, my professional manner is far more inviting and relaxing than how I may act on the streets."

They looked at each other for a moment before both smiled up at him.

"If you have a moment to spare tomorrow Mr. Locks, we'd love to chat a bit more on your employment. We must be going though, Rarity called us over to meet you and it has been a pleasure."

"The pleasure was mine my dear twins. Take care of yourselves now, and don't work too hard."

With two more kisses for each of the twins hooves they departed, leaving him alone with the still gawking trio.

"What? Y'all were the ones acting like crazy bitches when I first got here...."

Getting Deep

Locks wished he could have left with the twins. Being in the same room filled with angry females wasn't his idea of a good time nor was it in the interest of his health. Twilight was surprisingly the first one to break the silence.

"Really Locks? If you could act like that in front of a pony why didn't you do so when you first got here?"

"First off, getting here was an experience that should have killed me. Second, I was kinda messed up after smashing my skull against the very unyielding ground outside your library so I wasn't in a professional state of mind. Lastly, I don't always act like that, and this is how I usually act with people outside of work."

"An egotistical, sexually womanizing asshole?"

"You don't even know what half of those words mean you fucking turd."

"You're still an awful pony."

"I'm an awful person. If you're going to insult me then at least get the context down you silly horse."

After an extremely loud and drawn out sigh from Twilight, the unicorn's horn started glowing as she floated a sapphire the size of a goose egg towards him. Raising an eyebrow before taking the gem in his left hand she turned around and used a bit more magic to restore the pairs shattered tea cups to their original states.

"If you two are done then we can get down to business. That sapphire has been specially attuned to store raw magic, and while some gems can be naturally found with that quality I will teach you to that particular spell once we get a measure of your ability. Rainbow Dash, can you come stand close to Locks and lead him down? I don't know how his magic will react to unicorn magic, and if he pushes himself too far he may collapse. That being said, if you start feeling tired Locks STOP. Overtaxing yourself could cause serious fatigue or even death."

"That being said, all you have to do is call your magic and channel it into the gem. No need to shape it or otherwise alter it from it's original state."

With Dashie grumbling beside him and his eyebrow still cocked he shrugged his shoulders and did exactly what she asked. His magic always gave him a rush when he could physically see it coursing around his arm and hand, that and knowing that someday soon he could use it to do some really cool and dangerous shit made it all the more exciting. Just like Twilight said, the gem took in the magic he was directing at it but after a few minuets of just standing there he wondered how long it would take to fill the thing.

"Geeze Locks, can you speed it up already? I don't want to stand here all day."

In all honesty he was starting to think he didn't have it in him to fill the gem, that and Twilight never said just how much magic could be put into the thing. With a deep breath he imagined more magic gathering from the rest of his body and building as it traveled up from the soles to his feet into his left hand. The slight crackling sound increased exponentially, filling the room along with thicker bolts of black and purple lightning coursing across his body into the gem.

He had no idea how much was going in, and the gem felt exactly the same as when he started, but after another minuet sweat started forming over his body. The seconds seem to tick by more slowly, and he lost track of how much time had actually passed after he became drenched in his own sweat. Another deep breath and hard push had even more magic pouring into the gem with every sound inside the library being drowned out by the crackling.

The end came so suddenly Locks didn't know what to do besides stand there. He was breathing hard, and his magic still crackled around his hand but the gem took in nothing else. With a steadying breath he imagined his own magic sinking back into the depths of his being, a sense of relief washing over him with its return, but the moment he tried to take a step forward his knees crumpled beneath him. He was able to land on his right knee hard, but if Dashie hadn't been so close he would have fallen over.

The Sapphire fell from his hand and skipped a few inches away, but with his face buried in Dashie's back he couldn't see it. Locks felt like he had just finished a 5K marathon, every muscle in his body protesting in a fatigue that was similar to heavy work, but at the same time foreign and strange. For the second time that day he heard glass shattering.

"......I.....How.....Locks....."

While he could hear her Locks had no idea what the hell she was saying. After a few moments of rest he looked up at the shocked faces of Rarity and Twilight, staring at the sapphire not a foot away from him. The thing was, instead of its original hue of brilliant red the stone was now pitch black, and every so often it would give off the tiniest little arc of black electricity across its surface. Rising slowly to his feet he stretched slowly and painfully before slouching in exhaustion.

"Fuck I need a smoke....."

He thought that comment would elicit some kind of response or reprimand from Twilight or Rarity, but the only thing he got was a dead leg from Rainbow Dash that had him floored and rolling back and forth cursing. Glaring hatefully at the grinning mare he fished around for his smokes before stopping dead at Twilight and Rarity's first response.

"Give me one of those."

"......I'll take one as well....."

"You're both fucking kidding me right? Neither of you smoke and I'm not supporting new habits! Besides, I don't think I'll be getting anymore of these anytime soon..."

The sound of Twilight's voice shattering the otherwise calm atmosphere made Dashie and him jump.

"LOCKS! GIVE ME A BUCKING SMOKE OR I'LL TAKE THEM AWAY FROM YOU!"

"Holy fuck Sparkle! Take one damn!"

Throwing one at each of them they both lit up immediately with magic, not bothering to go outside or even open a window. Twilight was having a damn hard time handling the menthol hundred, but Rarity was puffing away at it like an addict that hadn't had a fix in years. In all honesty, Twilight was starting to worry him with the shocked look on her face and her sudden word choice.

"You have no bucking idea what you are..... You're just....... Dicking around without a care in the world....."

There were a few occasions when Locks had been called crazy for some of his antics, even some of his more unsavory friends had been certifiably insane. Yet nothing in his life could have prepared him for the way Twilight started smiling. Her mouth seemed to stretch to the limits as her eyes widened, giving her a look that was both deeply disturbing and nightmare evoking.

His mind was suddenly filled with images of Twilight holding him down as he thrashed against her magic, slowly bringing sharp, pointy, probing objects in front of him before tearing him to tiny bits and examining them. This nightmarish content took on new life when he heard her depraved laughter. She was directly beside him, not only scaring the shit out of him, but actually pouncing and riding his ass to the ground.

"I'm going to teach you everything........ I'm going to mold you into greatness....... And the time we spend together will make history........."

"TWILIGHT! That is quite enough darling! You are scaring the poor man!"

"You don't understand Rarity! You have no idea how much potential this silly creature has!"

Strange how fear makes you forget about things, like being dead tired and wanting to rest. It was a fantastic motivator in all honesty, but then again anyone would be motivated to deter an insane pony pinning you to the ground. The sound of his hand striking the crazed pony across the cheek silenced any further conversation as Locks stared wide eyed at her. Slowly bring up a hoof she rubbed the reddening cheek before looking down at him in shock.

"You good Sparkle? You're scaring the shit out of me and I can administer a second reality check if you need it."

Blinking at him owlishly she slowly started to smile as she hopped off of his chest.

"Sorry about that Locks, I was just really really excited about all the stuff I can teach you. It won't happen again, I promise. Rarity? I need your help for the next step in today's lesson!"

Seemingly  unphased by what just happened Twilight lead Rarity out of the library and closed the door with her magic, leaving him alone with Dashie. Moving over to the fallen gem and placing it in his pocket the pegasus was on the defensive the moment he raised an eyebrow at her.

"What?! I don't know whats going on! I don't use magic!"

"Magic isn't what I was thinking about...."

"Twilight is not crazy!"

"I'm not the one who just said that."

"You were thinking it! I know you were!"

"I don't have to think about anything, she's being nutty all by her self."

For the second time that day Rainbow Dash was on top of him, studiously trying to choke the life from his body as he laughed and rolled about on the floor to keep her from getting a good grip on his neck. The instant she let go of him Locks wrapped his legs around her waist and grabbing her front hooves, pulling her further up against his body until they were almost face to face. With a wicked smile he held the struggling mare until the door opened with Twilight and Rarity waltzing in.

"Ok Mr. Locks, its time for some different......"

Twilight's train of thought was derailed as her mouth slowly worked with nothing coming out of it. Rarity had a similar look and with a glance at Dashie his smiled widened at the way she was blushing.

"Do you girls mind? I'm having a moment with my Rainbow Strumpet."

Holding Dashie down was physically impossible as she thrashed and bucked. Releasing her, Locks rolled away once more to find Twilight and Rarity smiling...... just like Spitfire had been smiling earlier that day.

"Darlings.... if you two wanted some alone time Twilight and I can go find something to keep ourselves occupied. Heaven knows you both have been so strained lately."

He felt his troll senses tingling as Dashie started defending her case animatedly. While Rarity attempted to pacify the enraged pegasus Twilight led him just outside to a gigantic bolder that was now sitting in front of her house. Even after the door closed Rainbow Dash paced up and down the library with Rarity smiling like a Cheshire cat on the couch.

"He's such a freakin dick! Everything he does is just to piss me off and he's a sleazy bastard who deserves to choke on his own teeth!"

"Darling, you really must calm down for a moment. You're going about this all wrong."

"What?! You think he deserves anything but a hoof to the face?!"

"I'm saying he deserves something that will make him squirm, not turn him on."

Dashie stared at her in confusion as the white unicorn patted the spot on the couch beside her. With a huff she flopped down and agitatedly ground her hoof against the wooden frame.

"Do you know why he's acting up darling?"

"Because he's an immature little shit....."

"Because he knows it'll get a rise out of you. You've seen for yourself he can be very civilized, but when he's with you its all coarse language and dirty jokes."

"So this is somehow my fault?!"

"Not at all dear, it's just that he knows how to get your feathers ruffled. I see you've been very physical with him lately.... Pinkie Pie said just the same thing when I asked her last night, and we just saw you on top of him. Twilight and I both know you were probably trying to kill him, but I'll wager my boutique he was laughing before we arrived."

Rarity gave her a moment to consider what she said, carefully removing a pack of extra slim cigarettes from her saddle bag and placing it into a long holder, lighting the end and taking a calming puff.

"If I knock a few of his teeth out then maybe he wouldn't act like a...."

"He likes it rough."

Rainbow Dash looked at the other mare with wide eyes, who simply smiled and took another drag from her stick before exhaling in the opposite direction.

"Locks has some issues he may be hiding my dear Dashie, but he's far from unreadable. I don't need to ask if he's been laughing every single time you jumped him for one reason or another trying to beat some sense into him. Knowing this, have you ever seen him squirm?"

"I'm not shoving my tongue into his mouth....."

".... Details darling, tell me everything....."

"Well....."

Outside Locks was standing beside Twilight and gazing at the fairly large sized boulder that had appeared just outside the front door.

"Locks meet Tom, Tom meet Locks"

"Good day Sir Tom, it is a fine day isn't it?"

He looked at Twilight with a straight face, regardless of how she was looking at him as if he were insane.... The pot calling the fucking kettle black.

"Oooook..... Since you already have an idea on how to manipulate objects with magic I want you to lift Tom."

"Tom is a boulder Twilight."

"I am fully aware of the state of Tom"

"Boulders are heavy..... Tom happens to be bigger than you are as well."

"I am intimately familiar with how heavy Tom is Mr. Locks. Since you have those marvelous little digits that you use for everything, simply imagine coiling your magic underneath Tom and lift him into the air. I carried him across town just now for this lesson, so I don't think you'll have so much trouble just picking him up."

"Did I happen to mention I'm still tired as fuck from that other little exercise you wanted me to do?"

"It won't kill you Locks. Remember I'm here for your safety! And you're far to valuable a specimen, so you don't have to worry about getting pushed too far or any sudden fatal accidents!"

A normal person might find that statement highly disturbing, but as far as Locks was concerned he actually felt a sense of relief. At least he didn't have to worry about getting himself killed with these tests, that and anything that got him closer to hurling fireballs and using the world as his own personal lego playground was fine by him. Feeling his magic coursing around his hands once more Locks felt his entire body tense up in strain. The fatigue that was settling in over his body seemed to double as he slowly coaxed the boulder into the air.

"Now, I want you to float Tom over your head."

He could only manage to grunt at her even if he really did want to tell the purple certain to fuck off. Regardless of his desire to verbally abuse his mentor he obeyed her command and lifted Tom directly over his head. The only thing he could compare the feat to was lifting a moderately heavy couch by himself and having to concentrate solely on not dropping the thing.

"Well done! Now just place Tom off to the side, I think I have more than enough data on your capacity to tide me over for a while."

With Tom safely on the ground once more Locks took a knee and tired to catch his breath before flopping over, panting with exertion.

"Awww.... Well.... If you're really that tired you can rest for the day Locks. I was going to teach you how to light a candle in case you wanted to study during the night."

With his face set in grim determination he rose to his feet and held there for a few moments before replying.

"It's ok Twilight, I think I have just enough left in me to learn something like that. When I'm not dead tired I'd really like to get some studying in on this magic stuff."

The only reason he stood up to learn was the sheer drive to master the simple spell and figure out how to manipulate fire or heat. The first fucking thing he planned on doing was setting her tail on fire, or perhaps Luna's if caught her screwing around in his dreams again.

Conversations and Candlestick

Tired, sweaty, and strangely ravenous Locks wandered inside behind Twilight to see Rarity and Rainbow Dash conversing on the couch. The moment they were inside however, both mares began staring at him. It was a look difficult to describe.... something between smugness and.... affection. It reminded him of how his best friends lady looked at him right before serving a delicious burrito she made for his dinner.

A burrito he found out later that had enough THC to completely blitz him for a day and an entire box of laxatives, rendering him so stoned he could do nothing but flop around on the floor and blast shit into his already soiled pants. He never did cheat on her again after that incident, but the more they stared the more he was sure the looks were one in the same, only differing in the species department.

Without a single word the two mares rose from the couch and made for the door, Rarity passing on his left side and Rainbow Dash on his right. Since he was expecting his new best friend to fuck with him he kept his eyes glued on her, but the most she did was shift her self to the side, causing him to jump even though she just flicked him with her tail. Rarity on the other hand, or hoof, decided it was a fantastic moment to full force slap him on the ass, actually making him hop forward and trip over his own feet. They were still smiling those little smiles when the door closed behind him, leaving Twilight alone with him.

The evil women folk were plotting his demise. He had to act quickly if he wished to evade a fate as terrible as his friends, but he had to know what the hell was going on in a few days. Turning quickly on Twilight he slowly approached the still giggling mare with his hands held open in front of him. She really was the smart one among them, because she immediately started backing away.

"Twilight..... I feel that I'm.... ill prepared for work in the spa and I'd like a little practice before I meet with the twins tomorrow. Since I provided you with so much data, maybe you could help me out in the same kind of way."

"What.... What ever do you mean Mr. Locks? I.... I was just gauging the extent of your magic! I have to know how far you can be pushed to properly teach you!"

"Come now Twilight, I'm not going to hurt you.... And we should really be more honest with each other. I bet you're just itching to report your findings to Celestia or Luna. Don't be shy now, I promise you'll enjoy every second of this."

"Wait! Wait a minuet! I... I didn't consent to this!"

"And I didn't consent to the doctors taking samples out of my hide when I was unconscious. Or is that completely legal for you ponies to invade such an.... intimate space without approval?"

The poor unicorn was paying so much attention to him that she didn't realize how close she was to the book cases. When her butt bumped into the cases she turned to the right and tried to flee. He took great joy in pouncing on top of the unicorn and dragging her down with him as his hands cupped her face and started intently rubbing behind her ears. The effect was almost immediate and slightly disturbing.

The moment his fingers started working behind her ears the mares body seemed to completely relax, and with a bit more pressure and exploration she let out a low groan of pleasure as his smile doubled in size. Keeping one hand working on her ear and using his right arm to shift her onto his lap he started exploring the mares head more intently, looking for every little pleasure spot he could find.

"If your really want me to stop Twilight I can, but this is extremely helpful in case I ever get a Unicorn client at the spa. Eventually I'll have to explore the different body types of each pony to get a good grasp on what I'm doing."

"Mmmmmkay..... You can.... keep going...... if it really..... helps."

If he knew they were this sensitive around their ears he would have done this to Dashie ages ago, but after finding some interesting spots on the Unicorn (and maybe even an erotic spot with the moan she let out when his fingers traveled closer to her horn) Locks once again shifted Twilight off of his lap and straddled the mare, putting more of his back into working a few kinks out of her neck.

When he thought she was relaxed enough for a bit of interrogation he casually murmured to her, using the same calming voice and gentleness he used on human clients while his hands worked through the muscles around her shoulders.

"May I ask you a question Twilight?"

"Mmmmmhmmmmm......"

"I can't seem to remember something that's going to happen soon.... I can recall hearing about it from somewhere, but I can't quite put my finger on what it was...."

"Was it...... about magic?"

"No.... Nothing like that.... It was some kind of important date.... Something I really should remember, and its on the tip of my mind but I can't place it..... It was something happening in the next few days...."

"Hmmmmm..... There isn't a holiday or anything like that......."

"I didn't think so..... It's just that it feels like something I aught to remember...... Its on the tip of my mind but it keeps eluding me...."

"Mmmmmmmm...... It might be...... Estrous........"

"............"

If he hadn't been ready for her to react she might have smashed his balls with how quickly she bucked up and shot out from under him, whipping around and looking at him in a panic.

"Twilight.... What might Estrous be?"

"eh... hehe.... I'm not... qualified to explain that to you...."

"But you are the brains of our little circle of friends Twilight. You're the scholar, the teacher, the open mind. Who better to instruct me then you?"

"I'm really really not the one who should be teaching you about that Locks.... Rarity would actually be a lot better than me! I'll just go get her real quick and she can tell you!"

He cut her off at the door, holding his arms across its length to prevent her from escaping. Unfortunately Twilight vanished in a flash of purple light and a snap, leaving him alone in the library blinking in confusion. Crafty little thing..... But if she was so intent on getting Rarity he was sure he could find a dictionary somewhere with that term in it. Silly purple horse.... He knew Rarity wouldn't be telling him shit about whatever the hell Estrous was, but as he looked through the book shelves something was eating at the back of his mind.

Locks could swear he heard that term before.... somewhere in his past when that unique word came up, but for the life of him he couldn't recall what it was. After a few more moments of browsing however, he came across a thick shelf of multiple dictionaries and selected the biggest tome for the job. Flipping through the book he finally found almost a half page dedicated to the term.

Heat. It was what the ponies called going into heat, and if he hadn't been sweating before he was pouring buckets as he kept reading. The definition was clean cut enough, but the rest of the passage seemed to be dedicated to the dangers associated with females suppressing their natural instinct or what the book referred to as "Skipping" It went into detail on how a mare could become dangerous if they didn't use either a device to simulate conception or physically finding a partner to do the act for them they could devolve into a state close to psychotic...

Slamming the book shut Locks began frantically started looking for a book on pony anatomy and physiology, and once more grabbing the thickest volume he then searched the magical section for the largest spell book he could find. The title "1001 Spells A Unicorn Should Know" stood out as the best fix, but just to be sure he grabbed the Magic 101 book as well before looking around the library.

There was a staircase leading down, and since Twilight was gone she might not look for him down there when she found out he wasn't in plain view. Scouring the library he came across a few candles and a box of matches, snagging some loose paper as well as an ink pot and quill before lighting one candle in a holder and adjusting his stack of books and supplies to carry down the stairs safely.

Down in the depths of the library he found a single unlocked door that lead into an open area almost as large as the library itself. There was odd equipment here and there, what looked like a chemistry set that sat empty on its own table, a few more book shelves, and finally a small bed with a large desk beside it to study at. Placing his selection down he immediately began pouring over the books, his hands nearly shaking with the picture slowly building inside of his head.

Worse still, it seemed that as he read through the information he was looking for his mind had apparently snapped along the way and a conversation started rapidly shooting back and forth between himself.... and his penis.

"Fuck this shit seven ways to Sunday! We need to figure out how to disable those crazy bitches if they come at us!"

"We can't hurt them. Like it or not we can't hurt a woman in need..... Even if it is weird, how the hell do you think they'd react if we physically harmed a mare in heat?"

"We. Are. Not. Fucking. Ponies! You know what the damn dictionary said! They can get freakin dangerous if they don't get their fix! Hate to break it to you, but with you dangling down below Richy, we don't have a choice besides running the fuck away!

"You think Celestia and Luna will casually let it go if we hurt a mare during heat? We could end up exiled or worse. The female rulers won't take kindly to us hurting ponies at all.

Little Richy had a point. Celestia and Luna might actually mess him up if they hurt a pony in their realm.... even if they did come at them in a sex crazed state. Another voice barely registered during his nervous meltdown however... A very feminine voice coming from the candlestick.

"Oh my..... someone seems to be having some issues...."

"We'll find a stun spell.... or a sleeping spell or something! We haven't been in fucking Equestria long enough to start doing the local populace! There has got to be a way to evade them!

"You saw the text. Estrous lasts for a week more or less depending on the mare. Sure we could probably figure out a way to get away from the Unicorns and Earth ponies, but what the hell will we do if we get cornered?"

".........Rainbow Dash can fly...... So can Spitfire......."

"Bingo. The mares we might have the worst problems with can get around better than all the rest, and if we exhaust our resources in the magic department? Or heaven forbid get trapped with one or both of them in the same place?"

"....... What the hell do you propose we do Richy? If the worst case scenario plays out and we do get trapped what then?"

"...... We stand and deliver."

Sweeping the dictionary and magic books away Locks opened the book on pony anatomy and physiology, his heart sinking to new depths as he read on the subject at hand, or more specifically, between his legs.

"Male ponies are between 12 and fucking 16 inches long and 1 1/2 inch to 3 inches wide! No offense Richy but you're coming up really short in comparison!

"Oooooo someone looks like they're lacking some meat in the meat stick! Having performance anxiety hmmm?"

"Shut the fuck up candlestick! I'm having an intense conversation with my dick!"

10 and 8/10th's of an inch, 2 and 4/10th's of an inch....... It's not that far of a stretch.....

"Are you fucking kidding Richy?! They're smallest is still longer then you! We're below the fucking standard here and the females are days away from turning into sex fiends! You think a fucking human woman minds a few inches shorter than average?! How in the hell do you expect to make par with that?!

"WE ARE MEN! AND IF CALLED TO DO SO WE WILL STAND AND DELIVER! IF WE CAN'T THEN WE MIGHT AS WELL KILL OURSELVES FOR EMBARRASSING EVERY MALE OF OUR SPECIES!"

"I'm honestly amazed your penis has so much to say.... I always thought those things were one track minded little dangly bits."

".............I hate to admit it, but you're right Richy.... Their might be a spell or potion or something that could get us through this...."

"Remember, this is a last resort. If we can't figure out a way to keep the women folk off of us then we have to be prepared if the worst does come to pass."

"We might just be over reacting.... It's really far out there that a pony would come onto an alien even if they are extra frisky."

"You think Spitfire is the type of gal who makes idle threats? If we're right this is what she was talking about, and that whole best flyer in Equestria is really going to bite us in the ass here.

"You know it's your fucking fault for that one.... You just had to assert your presence when you should have listened to me."

"Bro. I know all too well. If everything goes to shit I'm the one taking the plunge here."

"God speed to you Richy.... God speed.....

"We must prepare........."

Plans and Ponies

After a few moment of just sitting there staring at his hands Locks brought them up and tiredly rubbed his face, thanking whatever deity that saw it fit to end his internal meltdown until the soft sound of someone clearing their throat caught his attention. Looking up there was... a thing.... lounging across the large desk and gazing at him intently. The only way to describe it was a kindergartener's warped drawing come to life.

All of it's limbs, tail and horns were completely miss matched, and the its crimson eyes with yellow cornea seemed to radiate irritation as she voiced her complaint.

"You silly little creature...... For your own sake I hope you have the most fascinating cock between here and the badlands to have any chance of me not turning you inside out and making you explode into confetti. I have been waiting here for twenty minuets. TWENTY MINUETS. For you to finish talking with your junk."

"I'm trying to figure out how to keep from being viciously raped by the best flyer in Equestria. My penis happens to have some fantastic ideas."

She just stared at him blankly, blinking slowly as he smiled and started neatly stacking his books to the side as he wracked his brain for ideas.

"I'm sorry, but could you run that by me again?"

"Me. Angry females. Woman on man violence. Vicious sexual assault. Horrible rape. Trying desperately to avoid. Penis does not want. Get the picture?"

She just stared at him for a few moments, a slow smile curling on her lips as she shook her head and took a deep breath.

"By chaos, where has your spastic species been hiding all this time? I'm going to take a wild guess and say that particular mare is Spitfire, but how in the nine hells did you end up on her brutal rape list?"

"Uh...... I might have pissed her off once..... And then bluffed her with a lot of sexual harassment to keep her from beating the shit out of me..... and it worked...... kinda...."

"How.... did you bluff Spitfire with sexual harassment.... to prevent her from beating the crap out of you?"

"Well, we're just going to say it was slut magic and pretend that's a thing. The problem came when she pinned me to the ground. She said she liked me, but if I ever slapped her ass again she'd make me clean it with my tongue."

"So you slapped her ass and added some fondling for good measure?"

"I had to show her which one of us had the dick...."

She just smiled all the wider and continued to shake her head, resting it one of her weird arms.

"And now you're spooked that she's coming to deliver on that promise. What's the matter stud? Got a little stage fright?"

"It's not the performance I'm worried about, it's the package itself. I'm very well endowed downstairs for a human and I've got enough experience to please a human. So unless you know of a way to magic little Richy into the bare minimum range then I need to get back to work."

"Well... I guess since you have conversations with it the thing deserves a name.... Let me see that pony book."

Handing over the anatomy book Locks started putting the other books away when he came across an open tome he hadn't brought down with him. It looked like it was written in ye old english, but the abbreviation K.C.S and the subsequent name Kinetic Conversion Shield caught his attention.

"I'm going to regret asking this but what exactly are you.... packing down there?"

"10 and 8/10th's of an inch, 2 and 4/10th's of an inch"

Slowly raising an eyebrow and looking back to the book the woman smirked at him before closing the tome and tossing it aside.

"Why would you know it to the tenth of an inch....."

"Because every bit counts. If you had one you would understand."

Even with the exasperated sigh she let out Locks' mind coiled around the idea his own book was suggesting. Apparently the writer was convinced that this spell, when woven into a pair of boots, could absorb the force of any fall and convert it into magical energy. That energy would then be used to recharge the A.G.P.D on a few pages down...

"I may know of a potion that might help.... It's kinda like a pony repellant, but it's extremely dangerous. Would you be up to taking it? Oh! And you don't have any heart problems do you?"

Turning towards the page indicated Locks eyes widened and a huge, insane smile spread across his face.

"There's going to be a lot of things that might kill me in the next few days, but this might beat you too it."

Floating above and behind him the woman leaned over his shoulder to look at what he was reading. The Anti-Gravitational Propulsion Device, designed to alternatively negate gravity at a steady rate or in timed intervals and propel the user into the air at any angle with adjustable accelerations. It was the fucking magical jetpack of Equestria, and this damn book was just sitting around collecting dust on the table.

"Uh... how exactly is this supposed to help? Best flyer in Equestria remember?"

She flipped past the device into nothing but blank pages.

"This thing doesn't have anyway to actually fly... It just kinda launches you into the air and hopes you fall the right way."

"Long fall boots. This freakin guy made Long fall boots."

Turning back to the previous page he was reading, the boots in question also had a secondary spell that when activated, oriented the boots in the direction of the ground, ensuring the kinetic spell took effect with the user in the upright position.

"Ok..... Same problem with the best flyer thing Mr. Thick skull. You're not getting away from Spitfire with this dodad, and I've been around for a long time. My dad's been around even longer, and I'm pretty sure he would have mentioned unicorns strapping devices onto their backs and propelling themselves into the air at high speed."

"So it's probably never been tested then, doesn't mean I can't test it!"

"You don't even know how to build it! If by some miracle you do manage to make it the right way what if the design here is flawed?!"

"Then I hit the ground so hard I'll dig my own grave. Still better than unwanted surprise sex!"

She just stared at him and blinked.

"By the earth you are a lovely creature. Why can't there be more things like you filled with insanity and a complete disregard for their safety?"

"Because then it wouldn't be as much fun. My name's Locks by the way, so if you want to be my partner in crime here we should at least know each others names."

Offering her a hand she shook it with what looked like a lion's paw, smiling with an impish light glittering in her eyes.

"Eris, daughter of Discord, the god of chaos."

"Yeah, sure, why the fuck not? I just had a conversation with my dick and I'm trying to make an untested magical jetpack."

"Welp, if we're just going to load you down with things that might kill you I've got some gathering to do on that pony repellant. I'll come to visit you tomorrow so don't go getting yourself killed until I come back. I would like to personally witness your suicide in an attempt to escape being raped."

With a snap of her clawed hand Eris vanished in a flash of pink smoke, leaving him alone to contemplate exactly what he was going to do. Taking the wonder book and stashing it underneath the bed, he took note of the author and planned on scouring the library for similar books by Star Swirl the Bearded. Whoever the fuck that guy was, all he knew was beyond a doubt the man had a set of iron balls on him. Hopefully he was still alive for him to shake his hoof.

Now that his prized possession was safely hidden away he opened the book of spells to a random page and decided to poke about the basement for anything useful. Whatever might come in handy had to be replaced before Twilight suspected anything, but the moment he did come across a fairly massive cube of Thaumatic Steel he heard the distinct sound of hooves crossing the upstairs library floor.

Moving back to the desk he checked the 1001 spells book until he came across a reference for the metal, taking a deep calming breath to gather his nerves just as the same hooves made their way down the small stair case into the basement. Lighting another candle with the first offered a bit more light for him to see Twilight coming through the door with a saddle bag slung over her back and a suspicious look on her face.

"So this is where you've been hiding.... What might you be doing in my laboratory Mr. Locks?"

"Curiosity mostly. After you left I found a selection of books that caught my eye, and I've always wondered where those stairs led. It's quite nice down here and this desk is a lot taller. Easier to sit and study at."

"Uh huh.... So you haven't been poking around in my things?"

"Not at all. If I wanted to poke around your things I would have gone upstairs to your room."

The mare still had that suspicious look as she trotted over beside him and peered at the book he was reading.

"Locks, I'd really prefer if you wouldn't experiment with spells while I'm away. It's dangerous enough weaving magic with a teacher to help you, but even more so if you're all alone."

"Well, I can't really do any more magic thanks to those little tests from earlier today, but I was wondering if you knew where I could purchase some of this."

"Oh! I was planning on having you mold some of this anyway! Thaumatic Steel is a fantastic way to help control the amounts of magic being used. Applying even a small amount allows you to mold it, but gauging your output is crucial in obtaining the proper rigidity. I have a book of runes that you can use to enchant the steel further!"

It was like a dream come true. The devices he wanted to create required runic enchantments, and while the book did give instructions on what runes he needed to use Twilight was offering to teach him how to do it.

"I'd love to learn runes if you can teach me a bit early Twilight. I feel like it might be easier for me to grasp magic as a whole if it was actually tethered to something and not simply a force molded inside of my head."

"I was thinking the same thing! You don't have to worry about buying the steel though, you can have the block of it that I keep in the basement for practice! But since it doesn't come cheaply..... I think that gem you created earlier would more than enough cover the cost of it."

God damn this wicked serpent. He had to fight the urge to flatly refuse with the way she was coyly smiling at him. She was basically handing him the necessities to build his escape devices, but the instructions were implicit on the need for a magically charged gem for power. That and it was the first magical object he ever made. It didn't matter that he just poured his magic into it, he wasn't up to parting with the gem.

In the end logic won over his desire to keep the stone, and with a heavy sigh he fished around in his pocket and grudgingly handed the gem over.

"I'll give it up if you throw in a few more gems that I can charge just like it..... I know I can make more of them if I'm rested.... but this is my first....."

Carefully picking up the gem with her hoof she smiled warmly before stowing the gem into the saddle and patted his leg comfortingly.

"When Celestia took me under her wing as her student she had me do those same exercises.  I didn't want to give up my first magical object either, but it's important for me to study your raw magic to see where your aptitude might be. Lets head back up stairs for a proper lesson Locks, we're going to need plenty of light to mold the steel!"

With a slight hop to her step Twilight led the way and magically lifted the block of steel off the ground, and with her heading up first gave him a moment to smile wickedly at the plans being set into motion. He had a means to create an escape, an ally who showed up out of the blue, and not a damn soul wiser to his schemes.

Grey Zones

Locks felt like his mind was turning into a lifeless mass of goop as his head thumped against the table top.

"Come on Locks! It's not that bad. You just have to remember the hierarchy structure of runes and the functionality cycle of multiple deployments!"

Twilight was by far the best teacher he ever had the privilege learning under. She played to his strengths, modified her explanations into things he could easily grasp, and propelled him into the moderate and murky level of runic enchantments within four hours of continuous study. If it wasn't for her there wouldn't be any way in hell he could possibly hope to make his little toys, but regardless of how good she was his brain simply couldn't take anymore in.

This was the fourth time she attempted to explain the tricky interactions of certain runes and the methods of laying the foundation on which more complex triggers could function to create a desired effect, but his brain just couldn't hold anymore in. That and the gut wrenching noise his stomach made along with a stab of hunger pains was enough to bar any further information without first finding food.

"We're going to need a check list of the things you can eat! Since its already pretty late the market is close to shutting down for the day, so tomorrow our second priority is getting you things to eat at the library."

".......Do I want to know what the first priority is?"

"Checking your homework silly!"

"WHAT THE FUCK! EVERYTHING WE'VE DONE IS WORK FROM HOME!"

"What kind of teacher would I be if I didn't assign homework?!"

"One that I would love unconditionally?!"

"Awwwww, I'm ok with you just liking me Locks!"

The fucking purple fiend.... He couldn't recall loving and hating someone in such equal measures as Twilight, but she was his teacher after all. Groaning at the prospect of mind crushing homework he eventually relented to her prodding hooves, coaxing him out of the chair and into motion. After collecting some money for where ever they were going she was still prodding him until they were outside in the cooling evening air.

"You're just grumpy because your tummy's growling! Just like spike when he misses his snack time."

"Where is the little lizard bro? I haven't seen him around much today."

"Oh! He's at Rarity's boutique helping her out."

"He fancies her doesn't he?"

"And how did you know that?"

"The way he looks at her. I hope I'm around to give him the proper man talks he'll need when he gets older."

"And what makes you think I can't educate him?!"

"Same reason you ran away when I asked about Estrous."

Oh how the purple one was due for a bit of fun after today's little incident. Twilight had a lovely shade of red coloring her cheeks even if she was all huffy.

"I swear to Celestia if you corrupt my Spike..."

"Twilight, I have a penis. With such distinction I am required to pass on certain crucial knowledge to the younger generation when the time comes. This isn't to corrupt, make fun of, or otherwise give him a hard time... hahahahaha hard time..... Its mostly to prevent him from making the same mistakes I made when I was at that age."

"What could you possibly teach Spike that I couldn't just because you're a guy."

"Awkward Boners."

".............."

"Go ahead Twilight Sparkle. Please explain how one should deal with public erections. Remember now, a guy only has a few seconds before someone notices Mr. happy and proceeds to completely humiliate the poor soul."

"..........................."

"How about if I'm walking down the street like I am now? Do you know how long it takes to pop a hard on? Sometimes about a minuet if your lucky, but most of the time? About 10-15 seconds if your staring at a female. Now a woman you're into? Maybe 5 seconds....."

"................"

"So how would you explain it to young spike, who has a crush on Rarity, who he sees often, how exactly he should deal with a boner having only seconds to act and praying that no one has already spotted him? Lets not forget he doesn't wear cloths, making things twice as difficult."

"Ok! Ok! Fine! I get it! Just don't completely ruin him with your vulgarity!"

"That takes care of itself when puberty hits, so no worries there."

"Jeeze... I didn't think it was that big of a deal."

"Have you ever seen a guy with a public boner? Its probably one of the most humiliating things in the world besides getting caught masturbating. Oh! Gotta explain that one too. It's very important knowing when to do it and when to hold out, otherwise you'll probably walk in on him spanking the snake."

"Enough! Please I don't need those mental images!"

Serves the purple cretin right for giving homework. Even after a few minuets of quite walking Twilight seemed to be in deep thought before she murmured an almost inaudible question.

"How.... How do guys..... Deal with that...."

"Very carefully Twilight... Very carefully....."

Their walking finally took them to a nice looking outdoors restaurant that had more than a few groups murmuring at the tables and some familiar faces occupying a particularly large round one. Pinkie, Applejack, and Fluttershy were already seated, but from an adjacent street they spotted Rarity and Dashie walking up as well with a saddle bag slung over their backs. He smiled slowly when he noticed the two of them talking in a conspiring kind of way.

Rarity had done some work on Dashie while they were away, and the mare in question had a very distinct sheen to her coat and hair. With the sun going down it caught the light enough to make it noticeable from a distance, and as they got closer he could see she was also wearing eyeliner but nothing else. Oddly enough she didn't need anything else, otherwise it would look like she was trying too hard.

The little turds had some sneaky smiles on when they caught sight of them, but before either could spring whatever plan they had he decided to act first. Walking up to the pair with a coy smile of his own he leaned down and cupped Dashie's cheeks, speaking loud enough for the rest of them to hear.

"Have I told you you're beautiful today lover?"

Whatever the two serpents had planned might have gone flying out the window with how badly the pegasus was blushing and the a gasp from Fluttershy, along with some snorts and giggling from Pinkie and Applejack. Locks could see it in her eyes as plain as day. Dashie wanted to hit him, jump him, strangle him, or some combination of the three, but she was fighting it.

"You've done a fabulous job Rarity. Her coat feels like satin and that eyeliner makes those precious peepers stand out magnificently."

"Why darling, what ever do you mean?"

When Dashie finally did knock his hands away he leaned down and kissed the little junction between her left ear and head, inhaling deeply and smiling all the more as he turned around and pulled the chairs out for each of them to sit.

"I mean Dashie looks stunning, and she smells heavenly to boot. Besides, its a gentleman's duty to compliment a lady when she takes the time to look her best."

"How very rude of you Mr. Locks! I spend quite a bit of time making myself look presentable and I have yet to hear a compliment!"

Taking the unicorns hoof in his right hand he gently patted the top with his left, assuming on a more soothing voice before replying.

"It would be redundant to constantly say the same thing my dear Rarity. To clear things up between us though.... You look fabulous, you've always looked your best since the day we've met, and it is my solemn wish you remain as lovely as you are."

"Oh.... Oh my....."

With a kiss to her hoof Locks moved to his own seat to the sound of Pinkie's giggling, Applejack's whistling, and Dashie's gagging.

"Well I'll be darned. I didn't think ya had it in ya Locks!"

"It is nothing at all Applejack. I can be very civil when I want to be."

"You sure about that sugarcube? It can't be easy puttin an act like that up all the time."

"It comes in streaks then dies away. So am I missing something here or are we having an intervention? Has Fluttershy been at the kegs again?"

"What the hay is a keg? Don't you be hurtin Flutters feelins now critter, she ain't hurt no one."

"Never mind, lost joke is lost."

Twilight was the one who cleared her throat officially and garnering the tables attention, but lucky for him she was immediately interrupted by the waitress for orders. The peculiar thing was a small portion of the menu with the header "Gryphons" and a few dishes he couldn't make heads or tails of.

"What the hell is a gryphon and what are these dodads?"

Twilight opened her mouth once more, but surprisingly enough Fluttershy was the one who cut her off this time.

"Oh! That's the menu for some meat dishes for Gryphons... They're kinda like big birds but they have a nation northwest of us. I'm not sure if you can eat anything there... but from top to bottom is fish, chicken, and some kind of forest boar not from around these parts."

"Huh... So I won't have to completely give up meat."

Of all the asinine things to do, and from the last person at the table it was Twilight who actually snapped her head around at him and said loudly enough for everyone and their grandma to hear.

"You're a predator?!"

Like a flock of sheep hearing a wolfs cry the ponies around his table were already staring at him wide eyed, but the locals from the entire restaurant around went silent with that comment and started fidgeting. He had honestly been hoping these ponies were some kind of mutants that ate meat somewhere just to make things a little easier on himself but no, here he was in the middle of a herd of ponies looking at him like he might just start chewing on one of their legs.

"Fuck my life....."

Slamming his hands down on the table Locks stood up and took a deep steadying breath before speaking, just loud enough to carry his voice to the other patrons but not quite loud enough to startle the already spooked ponies. Lifting his left fist up he raised a single finger.

"First off, yes I am a predator and I do eat meat. The appropriate term for my species is omnivore, or an animal who's diet consists of various plants and meat. Next is a simple concept among human's, we do not eat our own which is termed cannibalism. Such an act is considered abominable, disgusting, evil, and would very likely end with the death of that human. Cannibalism extends to anything we can have a conversation with."

Pointing at the waitress Locks gave the mare a small smile before continuing.

"What is your name my dear lady?"

"Qui... Quick Silver..."

"Well Miss Silver, I would like to order the second item on the gryphon menu to go please. While it is a part of a human's diet to eat meat, I would not do so in front of a host of individuals who are purely herbivores. I do not want to make you or any other pony around me sick regardless of how hungry I am. This is a courtesy I take upon myself to give, and ponies have been nothing but kind and generous to me since I've arrived and I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

The mare actually smiled happily before departing, leaving Locks to look around at the other ponies still adamantly listening.

"Lastly, humans do not need to eat meat often and can actually live their entire lives without doing so if they can find a suitable plant substitute, but since I am new to Equestria it will take some time to find those substitutes. I ask you to please bare with me until I can better acclimatize to this world."

With a pause for another deep breath Locks bowed left and right before continuing.

"I thank you for your patients with me and I apologize if I've frightened any pony present. The idea of ever eating another speaking being is both disgusting and extremely insulting so if you could please refrain from making such an accusation I would be very grateful for the consideration."

Finally taking his seat Locks rubbed his eyes tiredly, wanting nothing more than finding something to eat and sleeping he was surprised with how much chatter picked up around them. Looking about ponies were talking animatedly with each other, and somewhat embarrassingly a few of them walked up to the table holding slips of paper in their mouths or aloft with magic.

They were lists of every type of food imaginable, some specifically being lists that included plant substitutes for meats while others were more basic fare. Some still looked a little bit nervous, but most smiled happily and gave their ideas on dishes they knew of from a friend of a friend and so on.

"I fucking love ponies... They're decent peoples."

"And there it goes outta the window.... I was just about ta compliment ya on bein mighty civil."

"Really Mr. Locks.... You can be such a charming stallion, why can't you act like that all the time?"

"Because I'd kill myself. What the fuck woman?! I just prevented a panic and all I get is bitching in return!"

"It's because you have a potty mouth Mr!"

"At least I'm not pink!"

"What does that even mean?!"

"Fuck if I know. It sounded right in my head."

There were collective groans and face hooves all around the table, and with his own face palm Locks waved Quick Silver over and spoke in a voice that carried around enough to be easily heard.

"You know what? Before anything else I'm going to see if the booze here is going to kill me. Whatever you've got on tap miss Silver."

"Buck YEAH! Your first round's on me bro!"

"You're now my favorite pony! Whoever you are!"

The sound of Twilight's head slamming into the table only made him smile all the more. Fuck doing homework he was getting hammered even if it killed him.

Beautiful Night

The new best pony happened to be a unicorn with spiky two toned blue hair. The only thing conspicuous about her was the light waver in her steps and the fact that she was wearing shades after dark. Since he could only have pancakes and coffee Locks was more than happy to experiment with some booze, which came in the form of an apple cider.

After a few sips and their little group getting through the bulk of their food Locks decided it had been long enough to give the drink a little more attention without worrying too much. Vinyl as he came to know his favorite pony was a godsend compared to the rest of the stuffy females currently around him. After a little small talk things took a turn for the better.

"Someones been hittin drinks there gal. I appreciate the round, but is it just good old liquid courage that brought you here?"

"Come on dude, I had to meet the ballsy thing that felt up Spitfire and got away without a bruise. Word on the streets is she's coming for estrous to wreck your shit."

"The perverts just getting what's coming to him. Serves him right for sexually harassing every mare he comes across."

Locks took a nice long pull of cider and enjoyed the sweet taste with just the barest hint of burn. If he didn't have experience with drinking the stuff would have floored his ass. Even if there wasn't much of a burn he could already feel warmth spreading across his body and the familiar haze of a buzz coming on.

"Spitfire seems to be the only mare that's called my bluffs so far Vinyl. I'm looking forward to seeing if she's got any game or if its just mouth. At least she has the spine to actually play, but then again the world wouldn't be right if it didn't have a few cowards in it."

Ever so slowly Rainbow Dash rose out of her chair with her hooves on the table, a smile devoid of any affection of joy spreading across her muzzle.

"I guess Spitfire will always be the best if she's compared to Rainbow Dash. It's better that way if you think about it. Can't settle for second rate mares."

So maybe the booze was a lot stronger than he originally anticipated, but he could never do with just one so as Dashie's smile slowly grew in viciousness and anger Locks polished off his mug and waved Silver over for another order. As the mare trotted up to his table he delivered his last barb.

"You know what Vinyl? I bet Dashie here can't even hold her liquor since she needs another mare to take care of me."

It had to have been an act of some almighty being that Vinyl would be the one pony who bought him a round and sat at their table. The mare hooted and started drumming her hooves on the table as Rainbow Dash rose into the air.

"He's calling you a little bitch Dashie! You gonna let him get away with that?!"

Drifting across the table Locks got his first look at the reasoning behind that old saying. Hell hath no fury like a scorned woman, and he could see Dashie wearing that same smile on her face while kicking him to death.

"I'd like to order six mugs of ale for me and my friend Silver."

"Fuck that. Bring six mugs of what my buddy Vinyl here ordered and put it on my check."

"Dude! That's not ale we're drinking! That ciders mid grade liquor! There's no way either of you can chug that and walk away!"

"You know what they say back home Vinyl? Go big or go home. You can take your rainbow colored ass home any time Dashie."

He had to give it to Silver with her quick order and the jog away from their table. There was a good chance he was blowing most of the money in his pockets on this little stunt, but it would be worth it playing games with his favorite turd and getting hammered along the way.

"I'll bet you 100 bits I make a loud mouthed ass of you in front of  everyone."

"You must be a second rate mare if that's the best bet you can come up with. How about loser gets to be a slave for a day?"

Just as Locks thought the mare spat on her hoof and presented it to him with a cocky smile on her face, and after spitting in his own hand they sealed the deal. Their table burst into catcalls and arguments as half the girls tried to talk them down and the other half goaded them on. It wasn't long before Silver returned with their mugs balanced easily on her back, but following closely behind was a unicorn floating a small table and two chairs in front of him with a knowing smile on his face. Most of their little circle was trying to settle Dashie down, but that too soon died away with Vinyl's whooping.

"I got 40 bits this stud kicks her flank!"

"I'll take that bet Vinyl! Ain't no pony in town can out drink Rainbow Dash asides me!"

Bets were being taken up by the other mares as well, and while Twilight tried to talk them out of it Rarity also made a wager on Dashie with Pinkie putting her own bits on him. Fluttershy was simply covering her mouth with a scared look on her face but after a few moments she surprised him by putting a few bits on Dashie as well.

Vinyl only agitated the situation by loudly boasting on her bet, followed only by Applejack's rants on her girls ability. By the time he took his seat across from his nemesis there was a small crowd gathered around them. Either Ponyville was an extremely small town without a lot of excitement or ponies in general loved to gamble. Bets were being traded back and forth by the random townsfolk and when their drinks were finally placed in front of them silence fell over the gathering.

Quick Silver rested her front hooves on the table and announced their little game.

"Ma'am and Sir! You both know the game and the rules are simple. First to down their mugs wins! No more than a fourth of any mug may be spilled or you automatically disqualify yourself. This is the first time we've seen a pony and... a sir attempt to chug liquor this strong, so you will not be disqualified if you vomit afterwards! On my count of three you may begin! Are there any questions?"

They both shook their heads and took a mug in hand and hoof. With one extended hoof across the table and a smile across her face Silver started the count, her voice the only sound that could be heard in the area.

The moment three was reached a small explosion of noise filled the air  as ponies began rooting for their bets, Dashie chugging down her first drink both loudly and sloppily with cider coursing down her muzzle and neck while Locks took a small timid sip out of his mug. He was gauging just how much liquid was in each mug before he began, but while he took his sweet time Applejack was yelling encouragement to Dashie and Vinyl was loosing her shit.

"YOU GOT HIM DASHIE! HE'S BUCKING OUT CLASSED FOR DAYS! SHOW HIM HOW PONIES TAKE THEIR LIQUOR AND SEND HIM PACKING!"

"DUDE WHAT THE BUCK?! COME ON! I'VE GOT BUCKING MONEY RIDING ON YOUR ASS! TAKE THAT SHIT DOWN!"

There was about a beer and three quarters of another in each mug, and while his reasoning side begged him not to pound down what appeared to be hard liquor so quickly there was no way he'd let that turd show him up after so much trash talk. Dashie was already starting her second mug when he took a deep calming breath and called upon the sacred memories of his days with a few very skilled drinkers, but just like riding a bicycle it came back in a flash of glory.

Tilting the mug back into full pour he downed the contents of the first in mere seconds and flipped the mug up side down on the table. The second followed just as fast as the first and he had to fight against laughing at the choked noise Dashie made when she realized he finished his second before her. In total silence Locks flipped the second mug over and downed the third without a single drop dribbling down his chin, flipping it over and drumming his fingers impatiently on the table as the poor mare across from him choked down her third.

If Vinyl lost her shit earlier with his slowness Applejack went ballistic.

"THERE AIN'T NO WAY IN TARTARUS YOU DOWNED THAT WITHOUT MAGIC!"

The unicorns around the table slowly shook their heads in shock, and it was Twilight that actually sealed the deal.

"I would have sensed him using some kind of spell to cheat Applejack... Its ridiculous but... He actually drank it all that quickly....."

With a mighty roar of triumph Vinyl whooped along with every pony that put money on him as the losers simply shook their heads in stunned silence. It might have been nice with all the cheering but the moment the two drinkers stood everything swirled in maddening dizziness.

The people Locks learned to drink from had him chugging Vodka in a very similar way a long time ago, and in the exact same manner he felt excessively warm as a good deal of alcohol hit his brain like a sledgehammer. It was by far one of the worst experiences he ever lived through considering he really should have died of alcohol poisoning, but even though the cider tasted pretty damn good he couldn't shake the eerie familiarity of it.

With the blessings of hands he managed to grab the edge of the table and keep from falling over, but Dashie wasn't so lucky as she simply flopped over on her side and panted with her tongue lolling out of her mouth slightly.

"Oh no! My pony fell over!"

He laughed drunkenly as he wobbled over to her and by some miracle managed to pick her under her front legs.

"Who's my adorable little slave turd?!"

Everything was right with the world at that moment. Dashie lost and one way or another he'd think of something suitable to do with her when he wasn't drunk. That thought however marked the end of happiness as Dashie glared up at him before a gut wrenching gurgle sounded from her and the ponies cheeks suddenly puffed out.

"NO DASHIE NO!"

With speed and agility that had no business being in the grasp of a drunken man Locks tucked the mare under his left arm and lunged his way towards the nearest tree where Dashie promptly began purging her over-strained stomach. It was there that he was reminded of a very peculiar weakness that followed him like the plague where ever he went. On his own he could hold on to his liquor without too much trouble, and even the last time he chugged hard alcohol he managed to keep from vomiting. Low and behold though the sight of the pegasus under his arm splattering the poor tree with mixed chunks and fluid along with the smell caused him to lean against the tree with his right hand and purge right along side her.

He was a sympathy puker. Whenever he witnessed someone else vomiting he had the unmistakable urge to do so himself, and while he could usually save himself by fleeing there was no way he could hold it in with Dashie defiling the tree under his arm and the wave of smells, sounds, and sights bombarding his extremely full stomach. Another round of cheers sounded from the suddenly hated ponies behind them as they emptied their guts, and when both heaved out what they could Locks felt wonderfully drunk and content.

"IT'S TIME TO CELEBRATE CHAMP!"

Vinyl was using her horn to prod him away from the tree towards a nearby house, and while he still carried Dashie under one arm he could only smile joyfully seeing a few other ponies he didn't know trotting along with them. The last thing Locks remembered was standing with jelly legs at a table with Dashie swaying back and forth across from him, cheering in the background, and a shot glass placed in front of them.

"We... We need to go... home."

"Shut the fuck up slave and take the shot!"

Glorious Day

Locks woke up the next day with a feeling of warm fuzzy content and the pleasure of a hard buzz. He was reminded once more of the gifts his friends referred to as infernal blessings. Looking towards a nearby window he smiled at the early morning light filtering through and the simple fact that he was awake and the rest of the ponies were probably still passed out, leaving them defenseless to his torments as the smile grew more twisted with each passing moment.

The second of his hellish gifts was he never suffered from hangovers, making him twice as obnoxious when added to the buzz he still had. Pulling the blanket closer against his body he snuggled down against his warm pillow and considered giving the ponies a break when said pillow happened to let out a long sigh of content along with something else against his chest wriggling gently before settling back down.

The train that was reality took that moment to obliterate him as his head jerked around and the world started snapping into place. There was a mint green unicorn curled up against his chest, and after a peek up the pillow he was currently using turned out to be Dashie. The most disturbing fact turned out to be yet another pony murmuring gently behind him and snuggling closer for warmth.

The reason he was so warm turned out to be a complete lack of cloths with the exception of his underwear, making his head spin with the possibilities of what exactly happened last night. It took him quite a long time to carefully slink off the bed, and even when he was free of the pony sandwich he had to maneuver the cream colored mare with blue and pink hair closer to the green one to keep her from waking up with the sudden lack of warmth.

With his fingers coiled in his hair and pulling maddeningly with the lack of memory he was left to flounder for a few moments as how and why he ended up in a strange bed with two complete strangers and Dashie. His first thought was to check his junk and thankfully it didn't seem grimy enough to have participated in a pony orgy. With that gleaming beacon of hope he searched the room and found his cloths, quickly dressing and was about to leave when he stopped in the doorway.

Regardless of what happened it would be wrong to leave them without some kind of note, and after a bit more searching he found a quill and ink with some parchment to write them a farewell as belittling as possible.

My Dear Ladies,

Please forgive this filthy cretin for leaving you without a proper goodbye, but a job interview this day will not wait for very long. I hope to see you both again soon.

With Love,

Lockette Hekment

WIth a small smile he left the room as quietly as possible, making his way through a small hallway and down a short flight of stairs when he had to stop and admire what might have been the living room. Ponies were laid the fuck out everywhere, empty bottles littered the small coffee table, and every square inch of furniture had ponies splayed across it with some only half way on.

"What's up bro! You want some coffee?"

Vinyl was on her back hooves with a mug of steaming joy and a shit eating smile that could give him a run for his money. Making his way carefully around and over some ponies he sat at the small table while she made him a cup.

"Vinyl.... What the fuck happened last night?"

"Eh... I don't remember anything after the massages."

"What!?"

"Oh dude! So you were shitty drunk coming back from the restaurant right? Lyra was all kinds of interested in those hand things and you decided that she needed a massage..."

"Who the fuck is Lyra?"

"Mint green, Unicorn, lyre cutie mark?"

"Ok... Got the first two, what's a cutie mark?"

Instead of answering she simply slapped the musical note adorning her rear with a smirk.

"It refers to what we're talented at guy, no one told you?"

"I never asked... I thought they were just a fad or something."

"So, you went to town on that mares body and she started wriggling and moaning when Bon Bon decided she should have a piece of that action too."

"She wouldn't happen to be cream colored with blue and pink hair would she?"

"You got it stud, a two for one deal. Well, the other mares started lining up for some special treatment but instead of doing it yourself, you started teaching some of the stallions how to really touch a lady."

"How?! How Vinyl HOW?! I have hands! Not hoofs! How the fuck did I teach stallions to give massages?!"

"How the buck should I know? Drunken slut magic?"

"Please tell me this isn't going where I think it is..."

"Hate to burst your bubble guy, but when the stallions started working the mares things got a little heated, and sweet Celestia ponies were getting freaky."

"Oh god... I instigated a pony orgy."

"Hey! Hey! There's nothing to be ashamed of bro! You got laid, I got laid, everypony got laid! We all win!"

"I did not have sex with ponies."

"How many mares were in the sack this morning stud?"

"That doesn't mean anything... Everyone was drunk."

"Did you wake up fully dressed? Because if I remember correctly at some point you were dancing in what looked like underwear and Lyra was running around with your pants on her head."

"I woke up with my underwear on, and I'm not grimy enough to have gotten laid by... three mares."

"Deny it all you want bro, but you owe me new sheets. I let you have my bed seeing as you led three different mares away."

"Vinyl, I would know if I got any. There's no way in hell I wouldn't know."

"Dude, once it goes back in the sheath there ain't no tellin where your dicks been."

Locks narrowed his eyes at the pony in front of him and considered her words carefully.

"What... Is a sheath?"

"Wha... You... Wait a minuet... You've got to be lying."

If Locks was in his normal sober state of mind his brain would have stopped him from what he did, but since he was still sporting a heafty buzz there was no hesitation as he got up, undid his pants, and dropped everything below the waist down to his knees.

"This is my penis. I have no idea what a sheath is, but this is how it is all day everyday except when I get frisky. When that happens it grows just like any other penis under the sun."

Vinyl wasn't moving. She just sat there with her mouth slightly open and after a few minuets her hoof came up to remove her sunglasses, revealing an odd shade of crimson eyes.

"....Dude...."

Pulling his pants up he waved away her reaction as he took a long drink of his cooled coffee.

"Is there alcohol in this?"

"How else do you get rid of a hangover?"

"I don't get hangovers."

"........."

Dispite the more acrid burn of alcohol compared to last night's cider the coffee was still quite good with a creamy, caramel flavor to it. Even as he drank he looked at Vinyl with a raised eyebrow.

"So.... It just.... Dangles down there?"

"Yep. When a human says: How's it hangin? That's what they mean."

"Wow... I could have gone my whole life not knowing that. So that's why Spitfire has a red ribbon on you."

"Whatcha talkin on pony? You're not making any sense."

"Dude, you've got a basilisk down stairs and that's why Spits wants you for estrous."

"Come on Vinyl, I've seen a pony anatomy book when I was reading up on some massages. It said stallion's averaged 12 to 16 inches. I'm pretty proud of my junk, but I'm not delusional."

Silence returned for just a few moments before Vinyl snorted and started laughing her ass off across from him. She nearly fell out of her chair before she was able to wave her front hooves in the air.

"In magical big dick land all the studs have huge cocks and all the mares are plowed long and hard! What the buck dude?! I don't know what you were reading but it's a bunch of shit!"

It was almost too good to be true, but there still could be the chance she was fucking with his head as he mulled over the prospect of being properly equipped if things did go south.

"Stallions are about 7 to 9 on average guy, and that's besides the fact that your like twice as tall as a normal pony and a good bit more even when we stand on our back hooves... How much are you packing down stairs exactly?"

"What? You want to measure it? That's the other reason no sexy time happened. I haven't been here nearly long enough and I'm not desperate enough to have a go at a pony."

"I still don't believe you. The power of drunken sexy time is great indeed..."

The mare suddenly hopped out of her chair and started sensually shaking her ass at him with a devious smirk on her face.

"Come on! This fine ass doesn't do anything for you? If it dangles all day then its probably really easy to get a boner!"

"Vinyl stop that. I'm not sexually attracted to ponies and it's mildly creepy."

"You sure as buck seemed interested last night."

"I was running around in my freakin underwear! If I was excited how in the hell would I have hid it?!"

"Oh yeah, that's a good point."

With his face in his hands he could only slowly shake his head. Not only did he possibly start a gigantic orgy, but there was still a huge chunk of memory lost from last night and what exactly he did with the two mares that were strangers.

"No regrets bro."

"No regrets favorite pony."

Polishing off the rest of his coffee Locks stretched and considered what exactly he needed to do. First thing was get a damn shower and cleaned up for the twins, but he couldn't leave his new bro to clean up the hellish mess from the night prior...

"I've got to get to a job interview today Scratchy, but I won't leave you hanging after hosting the party last night. You can tell my slave her first job today is to clean this place up nice and spiffy. When she's done with that tell her to come find master for the rest of the day. Oh! If she gets uppity at any point or if she doesn't finish cleaning in a timely manner tell her I'll just spread it around town that she's a liar and can't hold her booze."

The poor pony choked on her coffee at that, and while she had difficulty speaking through her laughter she waved a hoof in the air urgently, keeping him there for a moment more.

"Dude..... That's... Not a good idea."

"What? I'm not that buzzed, it'll be fine."

"Dude! You just flashed me your junk like... not even two minuets ago."

"..... Then I won't go waving my dick around. Relax Vinyl, what could go wrong?"

Her muzzle scrunched up as a peculiar smirk spread across her lips, but with one front limb covering her eyes as she shook her head she waved him off with her free hoof.

"Don't do anything crazy until I get there! If last night was anything to go by you'll end up dead or running for your life!"

With a final wave of his hand Locks stepped outside into the morning light. Taking a deep breath of the clean cool air he made his way easily through town and even found his the path to Twilight's tree library without too much difficulty, but when he approached it he heard a voice calling out from behind him. Seeing Vinyl running towards him in a precariously wobbly manner he could only smile when she caught up.

"I thought you were going to clean up the after party?"

"Buck that! I just whacked everypony with a pillow and told them to clean up and vacate! Besides, there was this convenient slave there who has to stay around to supervise. I'm not missing my bro making a name for himself after a party like last night."

With a shake of his head he lead her into the library and found Twilight, Luna, and a disgruntled looking Rarity sitting around a small table having tea. The almost serene moment was shattered the moment Rarity noticed him walk through the door, and moving with a speed and agility he hadn't thought possible the mare jumped over the table with her horn glowing, yelling all the way.

"WE STILL HAVE TIME! GET IN THE BATHROOM!"

With her horn glowing and a wall of force propelling him towards the open door Locks was left with the crazed mare in the small bathroom where his cursing could be heard just below the shouts of Rarity. Vinyl was left standing there in confusion until Luna appeared beside her with an almost affectionate smile on her muzzle.

"Come have some tea with us miss Vinyl Scratch. I've heard some interesting things about last night and I want to know all the details of that little party you had. I thought about dropping in, but I'm still a bit shy these days."

"Oh! You can come crash any party I'm at Princess! So what happened was..."

Despite Lock's pleas Rarity was belittling him and using her magic to strip his cloths off, not even waiting until he was undressed before plopping him into the shower and turning the cold water on.

"Really Mr. Locks! What happened to that professionalism you boasted so much about hmm?! Out all night drinking with an interview this morning! We'll barely get you there decent and at a punctual hour before the twins start wondering where you're at! That's not besides the obvious rumors that will probably reach them before we do! I even had a fabulous set of dress cloths ready for this big day!"

Once more the alcohol still clouding his brain circumvented the logical processes in his head. Leaning down he took the distressed mares cheeks in his hands and kissed her softly on the forehead just beneath her horn.

"I would never dream of abandoning such a generous mare or an opportunity to live normally here my dear Rarity, and I can never thank you enough for everything you've done to help me."

Without any further prompting he stripped out of the remainder of his sopping wet cloths, leaving him stark naked in front of the now very quite and extremely red faced mare.

"If you'll excuse me dear, I'll be out shortly after a thorough scrubbing. Please close the door behind you."

He could swear she moved faster than Rainbow Dash or Spitefire in that instant, slamming the door and leaving him to bathe. Outside was a different story however. The three mares outside were silent for a moment when they saw Rarity on two hooves with her back against the door and completely flushed.

"Oh... My... Goodness..."

"Awww yeah! Rarity can vouch for me when I get to that part. So anyways, Locks starts working his hands all over Lyra..."

Oddly enough, even after being shoved into a cold shower Locks was still in a fairly good mood as he carefully dressed in the cloths that were neatly folded in a small basket. Despite the uncertainty of last night and his somewhat impaired thought process he was confident that the interview with the twins would go off without an issue.

The only problem he could think of was an eerie shiver that ran up his spine as he got dressed.

Throwing Gas on the Fire

Rarity's work was once again on a level of impressiveness that Locks could barely comprehend. The black pants were almost perfectly fitted to his frame, and strangely enough the mare had even created a pair of dress socks and boots that were also comfortably fit without too much error. While his undershirt fit similarly to the other form fitting one she made earlier it was the top that gave him a few moments of pause.

It was similar to a thick long sleeve dress shirt that simply fit over his body and extended down to mid thigh with a broad black belt worn over it. Donning the shirt and belt Locks could only smile at his reflection in the mirror. He would have to find someway to repay Rarity for all of her work and generosity, but before he turned to leave the bathroom a very small book caught his eye. It was wedged between a number of other books situated beside the toilet, but it seemed out of place somehow...

Plucking it up the small book had some kind of arcane circle etched in purple over the black cover and for whatever reason a chill ran up his spine when he opened it. Inside was another circle of runes with a short passage beneath.

For the exhausted unicorn seeking relief from the torments of the opposite sex, simply manifest the circle of runes to ease the burden of a mares heat. For the female spell caster's personal use, see page 2. To terminate spell simply utter the words. "You're services are no longer required."

Locks knew he should just put the book down and walk away. There was just too many disturbing questions that popped up with such a book inside Twilight's bathroom and conveniently hidden amongst all the other books, but his buzz and curiosity got the better of him. It was unnerving how easily his magic came to him now, and with just a thought the lightning around his left hand formed into the ruins on the page. It felt too much like his power wanted to make these runes, but the moment the circle was completed and floating above his left hand it vanished.

The magic used didn't return to him so it must have worked, yet he felt no different and saw nothing strange around the bathroom. That was until four long black tentacles looped around in front of him. Oddly enough they seemed to be wriggling with joy, but how he knew that was a mystery.

"Good day sir and thank you for summoning with Rapid Rape Repository! My name is Jefferies! And I am your designated multi-limbed assistant."

"You're services are.."

"Oh come on! You haven't even seen my resume!"

There were thousands of things wrong with talking tentacles coming from somewhere behind an individual, but once more he found himself stopping mid sentence. The secret word for Locks was resume, a particularly sensitive subject considering how difficult it was for him to obtain a job as a masseur. If it wasn't for a personal favor from one of his friends he wouldn't have been employed at all.

"Well... I can't turn you away without reviewing your resume..."

"I assure you sir you will not be disappointed with my qualifications! Not only am I certified to sexually satisfy every sentient species on this planet, but I also hold each of those species at a master's level of competence! You will not find another ground based multi-limbed assistant with both the Pegasi and the Gryphon certificates!"

"Putting the sexy time tentacle monster thing aside, how exactly did you qualify for creatures that fly?"

"By no small feat of conviction sir! It was an extremely arduous task, but I'm proud to say I am the only ground born multi-limbed assistant that holds both qualifications in existence! Don't be fooled by other cretins who may boast being unicorn qualified. Unicorns are our primary summoners and if an assistant isn't even qualified for them at a masters level they are completely inept."

Locks jumped at the sound of a hoof lightly knocking at the door, but luckily without any prompting Jefferies vanished from sight as the door opened slowly after a few more gentle knocks.

"Mr. Locks, we really must be going. We'll be on time at the very least but we have to leave now or risk giving the twins a bad impression."

Following Rarity out of the door Locks could feel himself sweating as he felt the eyes of Luna, Twilight, and Vinyl follow him until the library door closed behind him. Of all the things that could have sobered him up a tentacle creature currently residing inside of him wasn't on the top of his lists.

"If we ever make it back home with Jefferies we could go to Japan and live like kings."

"Huh... Your penis is sentient... How odd."

"Dude... Really? You came out of a sex book and your qualified for sexing everything that thinks.... Pot calling the kettle black much?"

"Not at all good sir! Not at all! I'm fully aware of what I am and what my function is, but throughout my long life I've never come across a sentient penis."

"That does not make me feel any better Jefferies. Besides, it's just a product of the crazies. I haven't exactly been right in the head since I came to Equestria."

"Ummm.... No sir... I'm... sorry to inform you of this... but... uh... It really is sentient. I'm inside of your head and currently I'm part of your back... That guy down below though.... He's a lot like me. We're just sharing a bit of room up here to talk."

"My function is fucking and I love my function!"

As the words were sung inside of his head followed by Jefferies laughter Locks could only stare off into the distance as the last vestiges of sanity shuttered and flew away. Nothing made any sense, so why bother trying.

"You're not helping Richie. You're not helping at all."

"Relax bro! A dick ain't worth much without a pair of hips to pump it. Welcome to the crazy train Jefferies, we're going for a ride!"

"Oh joy!"

With the momentary quiet Locks noticed Rarity stop and look up at him expectantly as they waited outside of a fairly large establishment at the edge of the marketplace. Without a second thought he knelt down in front of her and kissed her hoof, smiling gently at her before standing once more.

"Thank you again for everything Rarity. I will repay your kindness."

There were a lot of ponies milling about and his actions didn't go unnoticed as Rarities face turned beet red from a whistle that sounded from somewhere behind her. Opening the door to the spa Locks smiled fondly at the twins waiting behind the counter with another mare.

"Bonjour mes petites beautés."

"Bonjour monsieur Lockette"

Kneeling once more in front of the twins he kissed their hooves in turn, earning him a giggle from both before standing once more. The twins turned around and led him into the back area and up a set of stairs. Seeing the line of doors Locks wondered if he was going to be giving one of the twins a demonstration. It would have been so very simple that way, yet simple things were not meant for a freak such as himself. The moment they opened the door into the private room Spitfire smiled coyly at the little group from the table she was lounging upon. He barely registered Aloe's voice as the three of them stepped inside with Lotus locking the door behind them.

"My sister and I were originally going to gauge your skills for this interview, but Madam Spitfire has insisted on your attention for her appointment today."

It would take some getting used to, but Lotus immediately picked up for her sister as she retrieved a clipboard and quill from a nearby counter.

"The madam has persistently refused services from any pony under our employ besides the two of us, so it came as a surprise when she decided to not only wait for you, but insist on participating in this demonstration. Aloe will act as your assistant and I shall grade your performance. Madam Spitfire will attest her level of satisfaction."

"Won't there be a bit of a problem with our differing limbs my ladies?"

"Rest assured Mr. Lockette, we both hold certificates as instructors and qualifiers for Gryphons and Minotaurs. Both species share enough similarities to your own appendages."

With the three mares smiling coyly at him and an expectation set higher than he could have ever imagined Locks wanted nothing more than to abandon ship and bail, but his pride would never allow him to do so. There was no way in hell he'd disappoint the mare that made him the cloths for this interview, yet he couldn't stop doubting himself with her smiling smugly at him.

"So Jefferies... I kinda want to see just how qualified you are with pegasi..."

Hmmm? How so?

"Do you just... Go to town on everything or do you work them up first?

"My good sir. There is no orgasm as drawn out and powerful as one that has been painstakingly built up on a foundation of pent up desire. Making a client want the peak makes that peak all the more pleasurable.

"Could you tell us how to make this mare squirm?"

"Gentlemen, I could instruct you on how to push this mare just to the edge of paradise and make it look like she's  a horny school girl in front of these lovely earth ponies."

"They're both professional spa ponies though... They have to know quite a bit about making a client... frisky."

"Allow me to prove my value and demonstrate centuries worth of experience. I assure you my instruction alone is enough to turn her into a quivering mess."

"Working that bitch up and kicking her to the curb without blowing her top? Fucking do it bro!"

"I'm suddenly ok with this."

Locks returned Spitfire's smile before approaching the table, removing his over shirt and placing it over a nearby chair as Jefferies instructed.

"We can't have oil sullying such a nice article of clothing. Request Salthama Oil with essence of Rose from the assistant."

With a smooth order Aloe's eyes widened for a moment before she quickly moved to comply which was followed by insistent scratching of the quill on paper. Jefferies had him massaging her head and slowly down her mane as he asked questions about the digits on his hand, pressure he could apply with them alone, and force he could put into it with his body. There was a bit of hesitation on his part with the injury but Jefferies brushed it aside.

"It is against RRR protocol to operate through a damaged vessel, so standard procedure is regeneration of any current injuries. I assure you however that I have not modified your body in any way, shape, or form. I can simply manifest from your back. Now that miss Spitfire's head and mane are done, clean your hands and request Catalina Oil with Lavender essence."

"I thought we were going to make her a randy bitch..."

"Patients good sir, that's coming next. The oils are for the sake of the twins. Both are luxury items designed specifically for Pegasi and both carry quite a hefty price tag. The idea alone that you know of them and how to apply their uses will only win them over further, but their side effects will also serve our purposes handsomely."

Locks obeyed his instructor and requested the oil to the surprise of the twins. It wasn't long before he found himself gently working her face and neck carefully before moving further down, but the moment he reached the area just above her wings his instructions became a complicated series of commands executed within seconds of each other. Spitfire's wings flared out before them, and with a series of orders to Aloe he followed Jefferies instructions to the letter as their assistant zipped around them.

For the most part Spitfire crooned every now and then while he worked on her head and mane, but those little sounds were soon replaced with outright moans and squeaks. There was a point where her wings flared out completely, only to be carefully stroked while his otherworldly friend pointed out broken or loose feathers to be removed. Every single time one of them came free Aloe would apply a thicker substance to his index and middle finger which was worked into the area now free of the feather.

The pegasus was actively squirming on the table whenever he relieved her of a feather, which made him wonder before Jefferies answered his question.

"Preening for pegasi is normally an uncomfortable process that has to be done, but in some odd cases the mare or stallion in question actually derive a great deal of pleasure from it. A nice little stroke of luck that miss Spitfire seems to be on of those mares, but even if she wasn't the Thalsama solution would have soothed the discomfort."

"What does it do to the ones that like it?"

"It might as well be marketed to them as an aphrodisiac. We're basically just stacking explosives on top of highly flammable objects at this point, but we're almost there. Be very careful with your movements from here on out sir... Any little spark or jolt of pleasure at the wrong time will set her off."

There was something magical about how Spitfire looked at that moment. He wasn't entirely sure how much time had passed since he began, but the coy, smirking, smug little bitch from earlier had vanished beneath Jefferies instruction. What was left was a shuttering, wriggling, and moaning mare that looked on the verge of sexual bliss. When she caught his eye he could see the need and desire behind them, that oh so wonderful look of a woman about to cream herself with just a little more.

That was about the time Jefferies ordered him to stop and step away, which he did with a smug smile adorning his lips. It was terrifying how quickly that need and desire turned into murderous rage, yet he couldn't help but smirk.

"What... Do you think your doing...."

"Madam Spitfire, that is the end of my demonstration. It would be inappropriate for me to touch you past your lower back during any massage besides a full body. I wouldn't dream of intruding on such a private area without strict employment."

Aloe cut off the pegasus before she could respond.

"Well said monsieur Lockette. That was a marvelous demonstration, yet I can't help thinking you're far more skilled than you let on."

"It is difficult for me to believe this is the first time you've serviced a pegasus, but I digress. Aloe and I would love to have you work for us."

"There's no way in tartarus you're going to walk away from this..."

The twins turned on Spitfire with their muzzles barely an inch from her own. Each picked up after the other as Lotus began speaking.

"Was it not pleasurable?"

"Did he harm you?"

"Or were we mistaken by the sounds you were making on the table Madam Spitfire?"

"I don't believe we need to remind the lady that this is a professional establishment."

"And we certainly wouldn't dream of the lady seeking services that would be...."

"Unbecoming..."

"We are however not deaf to our clients needs."

"Especially such a loyal client as yourself. As a token of our gratitude you may return for an entire day of relaxation."

"We will also extend to you the third slot on monsieur Lockette's scheduled when the spa reopens in a week."

That actually made Locks pull his smirking gaze from the murderous pegasus and look at the twins. Without another word the twins led him out of the room with Spitfire's gaze burning a hole into the back of his head as he pulled his over shirt back on and readjusted the belt. Aloe started the twins off first as they lead him to the front with a little skip in their steps.

"It just so happens that two unicorns requested appointments for your services should you become employed monsieur Lockette, and I must admit you handled that situation quite well."

"We knew Madam Spitfire was something of a sensitive mare, but we were not expecting so much excitability from her considering she volunteered."

"Then again... It is as they say my dear Aloe."

"A lover's touch..."

"Is enough to set any heart ablaze."

"Are the rumors simply that monsieur Lockette?"

"Or are you fooling around with the lady Spitfire?"

With a pair of musical giggles the twins led his sputtering ass to the front door and smiled one final time, speaking in unison before the door closed behind him.

"See you in a weeks time monsieur Lockette!"

The moment the door was fully closed Locks fled with the threat of impending rape looming over his head.

"I don't think we're capable of outrunning a pegasus at this speed gentlemen."

"Made Spitfire moan like a whore in front of two other women. Totally worth it."

"If you fuckers don't have any ideas on how we're going to escape then please shut the fuck up!"

"While we've brought this upon ourselves gentlemen, I assure you the following sexual encounter will surely make up for it."

"Nope. Still not into ponies. Do not want."

Oh... Well... This won't be a very pleasant experience for you at all then Mr. Richie. I'm terribly sorry."

"It's ok bro, still worth it. Besides, we have backup plans!"

Rarity was galloping beside them demanding to know what happened and though it killed him to stop with the idea Spits could be on his ass any minute he couldn't leave her hanging.

"What are you running away from dear? Did something happen at the spa.?!"

"Nope! Got the job! Did fantastic, start working next week. Gotta go bye bye thanks."

Leaning down Locks actually pecked her on the lips with a little kiss before speeding off towards the library once more. He needed to think of something before Spitfire came, but like a blessing from the universe Rainbow Dash flew up beside him looking irritated and pouty. Taking her cheeks in his hands he drew her face close to his as a crazed smile spread across his lips.

"Listen up slave! Your last command is a simple one, but it will try every measure of your physical prowess to succeed. Should you be victorious, then you're free and won't have to suffer the humiliation I had planned for you earlier! IF YOU FAIL ME THEN YOUR LIFE WILL BE HELL WITH NO ESCAPE UNTIL THE LAST SECOND OF OUR BET EXPIRES!"

The way her eyes narrowed into pinpricks was enough of a confirmation that she understood completely, so without any further prompting he gave his slave her final order.

"Spitfire is coming after me Dashie, and she's coming like a rape train. The rape train has no breaks, but it can be diverted! Guess who's doing the diverting?! YOU! I don't care if you have to wrestle, fight, bite, or fuck that mare into submission, but if you value what little self image I haven't destroyed yet you'll keep her away."

There was a whistling sound carrying through the air, and as Locks turned towards the direction he had come from his heart nearly stopped. Spitfire was streaking her way towards them, but with one last whisper he tried to motivate his minion into action.

"If she gets to me within the next hour I'm going to dress you up as a pretty maid and take dirty pictures of you."

An instant later Rainbow Dash shot off like a rocket, speeding towards the yellow and red ballistic missile on an intercept course with his face. He could hear their bodies colliding as he laughed manically and fled, seeking refuge in the library while his minion dealt with Spitfire. Kicking the door open and slamming it shut Locks wracked his brain for any possible way of escape. Before anything could come to mind however, a crazed Sparkle pony came bursting from the staircase leading to the basement.

"YOU'RE GOING TO CANTERLOT!"

"What...."

"Uh... Yeah! Your going to Canterlot for a week! To.... To study! Your going to Canterlot to study etiquette! For... For the Gala!"

At some point between him leaving for his interview and now Twilight apparently fell off the sanity bus. Her hair was frazzled, the ponies eyes were dilated into huge disks and for whatever reason she seemed to have trouble walking right, but a moment later his clothing was sitting in a bag in front of him along with a few spell books, the boots he made, what was left of the thaumatic steel, his small chest of bits, and a rolled up scroll.

"Your going to study etiquette in my old room at the castle! This letter will explain everything to the staff and guards! Don't cause any trouble! I'll see you in a week! We'll have a few days to go over everything before the Gala! I'm teleporting you there now so don't do anything stupid and take regular study breaks! BYE!"

Locks watched in mild shock as magic began gathering into the unicorn's horn, building in pressure and strength that even he could feel when a flash of light and a snap signaled Luna's arrival to his right.

"Twilight... Was there something you needed to discuss with me? Your letter seemed rather urgent."

Feeling an unnerving energy slowly envelop his body Locks heard a single, unbelievably stupid thought cross his mind.

"You should totally slap that ass before we're sent away."

It wasn't only dumb, it was suicidal. Not five minuets ago he got away from a different mare hellbent on raping him and here he was about to make a clean escape.

"We're already lecherous deviants good sir. Might as well keep up appearances."

....Well played gentlemen. Well played.

The only thing louder than the sound of his open hand smacking into Luna's ass was the yelp she let out just before he felt his body being torn out of reality.

Moon Pony's Revenge

Teleporting was in a personal opinion a lot like shitting. Imagine the universe tearing you apart in the same way one chews food, shoves you down a small tube like swallowing, and subsequently pushing you out of another hole unceremoniously into another area entirely. It was literally the world eating you and pooping you out somewhere else, and it was terrible. The great thing about it was the sudden lack of moon ponies in his general vicinity, making that particularly unpleasant experience well worth the outcome.

Taking stock of the things around him Locks gathered his equipment and the few books Twilight sent with him, laying them out carefully across a work table. He had his cloths, a few rune books including the one he was being taught out of earlier, and even a small wooden box of goose sized gems for him to fiddle with. His heart skipped a beat when his eyes fell over Star Swirl's journal and a small square of parchment tied around it.

There was no way in hell she could've known exactly what he was looking at in the journal, but the book alone contained enough amazing and potentially deadly shit that would give her more than enough reason to keep it away. What if she made the book unreadable or worse put some kind of tracking spell on it? His mind was spiraling out of control with all the things that particular unicorn could have done, yet after a few steadying breaths he opened the note slowly.

"Dear Lockette,

I do believe I've found exactly what you've been up to in my basement when I came across this book hidden underneath the bed. That particular spot happens to be Spikes favorite hiding place, so I make a habit of checking there periodically just in case he's gotten into something a bit too dangerous. If this journal was the reason behind your sudden interest in runic magic then I'm happy to see you setting your goals to such a high standard. I've marked a page within the journal that I believe you have the theoretical understanding to tinker with the specified device. Your assignment is the completion of the device along with another conditional component I've taken the liberty to implement. This combination of runes will test you in every facility and will fail if even a single mistake is made.

I have also taken the liberty of copying the book to my specifications and sealing the original to keep you from skipping my portion of the construction. Without the appropriate rune weaving I promise you as Celestia's student and the Element of Magic that it will fail completely. I would suggest devising a very careful means of testing to prevent accidental death. I believe this will dissuade you from making any rash decisions during construction or blatant disregard for caution. I look forward to grading your work in one weeks time.

Your Instructor,

Twilight Sparkle.

If Locks happened to be a female he'd probably be pregnant with how hard Sparkle just fucked him. Tossing the letter away like a plague infested rag he snatched the journal up and flipped towards his only salvation. Before him was the same Kinetic Conversion Shield spell, but with three times more information than before. Instead of the single page with a couple of empty pages following it the entire thing now took up four pages worth of layered runes.

Instead of going off the deep end he stopped, took a deep breath, and opened the rune books arrayed around him before placing the steel in front of him. There was no reason to dwell on the doom placed upon him by the purple fiend, so without any further hesitation he simply got to work on molding the steel into proper boots.

While he worked Locks had no concept of time passing him by as his mind coiled around the various runes he was slowly inlaying into the steel and their function in the bigger picture of operation. It wasn't so much a huge amount of runes Twilight added to the original design, but instead a blending of a few more processes to the already impressive spell. Unless he was misreading the instructions and runes her addition to the boots allowed the user to walk and interact with clouds in the same way the pegasi could...

Pony slut magic in his general opinion, but considering all the other shit he'd witnessed with his own eyes there was plenty of room for more ridiculous stuff to happen. Placing yet another rune carefully on the boots Locks looked back towards the book and blinked owlishly. There were no further enchantments for the boots, and while he still needed to make the cabling that would run from the boots to a power center and a gem he backed tracked through his current work just to be sure.

Looking around he noticed that the room was being lit by magical glowing orbs and the moon was rising above the horizon from the vantage point of Twilight's tower. He had been so focused on his work that hours had slipped by unnoticed, yet he still couldn't believe how easy the boots were to finish. It was only after a long yawn and resting his head on his arms did he realize just how tired he was.

The funny thing about panic and generally trying to escape certain ponies was the toll it took on the body. What he planned to be a simple rest soon saw him whisked away into dream land. The dream in question was an old one from his earliest days and amusing to no end. In his childhood Locks was actually afraid of vampires the same way most kids worried about things under their beds. This dream had him running down a long stone corridor with a wailing vampire woman chasing him down.

Since the first time he'd gotten over the fear of them the dream took some pretty crazy turns and mutations after that, but this particular scenario included a baseball bat resting just around the corner to the left not a few feet in front of him. It was hard to be scared of something with a bashed in face and skull, so Locks gleefully sprinted around the corner and snatched up his trusty friend and the original banishment of this bad dreams.

When he turned to dispatch the filthy creature he was met with nothing but silence and his quickened breath...

Oddly enough this dream did have a way of turning towards the sexy side of things when he hit puberty, but the sudden lack of anything at all caught him off guard. Using the bat as a prop Locks gently scratched his head and wondered what the hell he was supposed to do when he heard a faint sound in the distance.

"clop, clop, clop, clop, clop, clop, clop, clop""

"Alright... Who's bangin fuckin coconuts together?"

Around a corner at the other end of the corridor he spotted shape materializing out of the dark, but even with the poor lighting it was impossible to confuse the blue pegasus with ridiculous hair making her way down the hall. He still had no fucking idea why Rainbow Dash was appearing in his dreams, but at least he wouldn't be completely bored.

"Huh. It's a Rainbow Turd! What's shakin Dashie? Can't stay away from me even for a day?"

The only sound was her persistent little hooves closing the distance with him. He arched an eyebrow at her in silence, but it wasn't until she got closer a shiver ran up his spine. Her eyes were half lidded, and her face sported a heavy blush, but what made him freeze were her eyes. They were still the same rosy shade as before but they were now slitted like a serpents. Windows that were not fucking there two seconds ago suddenly flashed with lightning as thunder echoed through the corridor.

Her muzzle parted, and he could see steamed breath being panted out in small clouds as she drew ever closer, but the thing that got him shaking was a second flash of lightning and the glint of fangs visible in the brightness. Before the thunder rolled through the corridor her wings suddenly snapped out beside her, displaying dark blue leathery appendages instead of her normal feathered wings.

The corridor was suddenly freezing cold, and his own breath was misting in front of him as he picked up the back and started backing away, pointing his only weapon at her.

"Nope! I will fuck your shit up! I swear to god you stay the fuck over there or I will brain the shit out of you!"

It wasn't the cold that made him shiver, it was the sound of her voice. There was so much affection in it that the sound alone was terrifying, yet the look in her eyes only made him shake harder.

"It's ok Lockette, let me help you. Let me show you everything's ok.... Just... Just let me show you..."

It was the same as earlier that day. She took off at mind boggling speed and closed the distance in little more than a few heartbeats. Locks swung the bat as if his life depended on it, but it only managed to delay her. She caught the fucking thing with her teeth and while the momentum of the bat carried her some what off course he watched in horror as she twisted her head around and snapped the bat into splinters.

He fled screaming like a bitch. He didn't know how and he couldn't care less, but somehow he managed to get into the room behind him and slam the door shut. The wooden bar snapped down and secured the door. No matter how hard he tried Locks couldn't stop himself from shaking.

"Lockette... Please...Please let me in...."

With her panting and pawing at the door Locks could only whimper incoherently shake his head.

"I don't want any! Go away! I need an adult!"

"I'm an adult~"

If he had anything in his bladder or colon  Locks would have pissed and shit him self on the spot when he heard that feminine voice in his ear and looked down to find dark hooves sensually curling around his waist. Initiating defensive flailing proved useless as the mare yanked him away from the door. He felt something wrap around his wrists and ankles, yanking them painfully apart as he was tossed on the bed. Still trying to squirm away Locks jerked his head back and forth as he was roughly flipped onto his back.

The mare in question almost penetrated his panic with pure confusion. It looked like what Luna would be if she grew up and turned into a milf.

"What the fuck moon pony?!"

I am the mistress of the night, ruler of dreams, and lady of the moon, yet here you are with the gall to call me moon pony. Even after all of your transgressions I still have the *pity** and mercy to help such a sorry creature.*

"THIS IS NOT HELPING!"

The sound of wood exploding signaled the arrival of yet another bit of nightmare fuel that would follow him to the grave. Dashie flew carefully through the wreckage of the door and landed on top of him with her hooves on either side of his body.

"Did you enjoy yourself Lockette? Did you like the feel of my flank? I swear on my crown you will *love** the way this feels."*

"It's ok Locks... Let me show you...."

He watched Dashie gently wrap her left front hoof behind his head as she leaned down, and while he jerked again to try and escape the force holding his limbs down extended to his head. The pegasus kissed his forehead softly before wrapping her other hoof around his side and moving to a far rougher kiss against his lips. He could feel her fangs press against his lips and her tongue shove its way pasted his teeth. The moment their tongues met with her's coiling around his own something besides the taste of her caught his attention.

She was drugging him. Whatever it was made his mind hazy and his limbs heavy. No matter how much he screamed internally his body did not comply to his demands. He simply fell into a cozy stupor as the pegasus on top of him made it her business to explore every inch of his mouth with her tongue, slowly tilting his head to the right. The feel of a second kiss against his neck sparked new panic, yet that feeling felt so very far away.

A stab of pain flared in his neck when he felt something push past the skin and deep into the muscle, but even as the pain washed through him it was followed by a wave of pleasure twice its size. Though it hurt it felt so very good at the same time that any panic or fear seemed to melt away. At long last Dashie broke her kiss panting softly and shifted to his right and Luna took her place. Once more Locks felt pain in his neck mixed with indescribable pleasure, but the feel of Luna leaning down to pick up where Dashie left off disabled any higher form of thinking.

He could feel their warmth seeping into him as Dashie drank from his neck and Luna gave him a taste of her mouth and the harsh coppery tang of his own blood through their kiss. Locks felt the force holding him down vanish as his left hand drifted up to gently scratch moon pony behind the ear, but something odd happened. The princess suddenly jerked up from their kiss, and while his hand still softly caressed her hair and ear a heavy blush reddened her face.

Before he could say a word the sound of a loud bang jerked him violently from his slumber, toppling him over from his chair. A mismatched pair of arms wrapped around his head as a jubilant voice shattered the silence.

"It's my favorite crazy person! I was gonna go visit you tonight, but Sparkle butt said she sent you here! How far have you gotten....."

"Are... Are you crying?"

"I'm never going to be right again..."