It's Not Gay If...

The bottle of vodka clinked as Silver Spoon set it in the table.

“I can’t believe your dad just lets you into his liquor cabinet.” Silver Spoon cast an eye over the selection of booze she and Diamond Tiara had pulled out.

“He doesn’t just let me in, dummy.” Diamond Tiara tossed another bottle in Silver Spoon’s direction. Silver Spoon caught it, and the bright amber liquid inside swished around, catching a faint flicker of the bright overhead light.

Diamond Tiara turned in her friend’s direction and grinned.

“I had to ‘convince’ him to leave me the key, that’s all.”

“How’d you do that?”

Diamond Tiara grinned wider and swished her tail over her backside.

“Well, let’s just say that Daddy is very cooperative when his cute little girl is sitting in his lap.”

After a second of wide-eyed staring, Silver Spoon’s mouth formed a smirk.

“So,” she said, looking again to the bottles of liquor laid out on the table. “Which one do you want to try first?”

“I don’t want to do any drinking here.” Diamond Tiara closed the cabinet and sealed it with a tiny key on a chain, which she then tied around her neck. “This house is soooo boring.”

“What do you mean? You’ve got a big-screen TV, twenty rooms to run around in—”

“Exactly. Boring.” Diamond Tiara grabbed an armful of liquor with her foreleg and held the various bottles to her chest like a delinquent baby, clinking against each other instead of wriggling in agitation. “Come on. I know a really good spot to start some of this stuff.”

Silver Spoon opened her mouth for a moment, but seemed to think better and shut it almost immediately. She grabbed the lone bottle of vodka Diamond Tiara had missed and followed her up the stairs, leaving the light on in the basement as they headed to wherever it was Diamond Tiara had decided was ‘more fun’ than a spacious, well-stocked mansion.

“Are you sure about this place? I can’t even tell where we are anymore.” Silver Spoon raised a hoof and swatted a branch out of her face. The forest was dense here, and for somepony who wasn’t used to anything more ‘natural’ than the vines in her family’s garden, it already seemed like Diamond Tiara had led her off the deep end into a survivalist horror story waiting to happen.

“Of course I’m sure. I’ve been here tons of times. It’s just a little bit further.”

“I know, but...”

“What, you’re not getting tired, are you?” Diamond Tiara turned around, her liquor bottles still held to her chest. She smirked and stuck out her tongue, which prompted an eyeroll from Silver Spoon.

“No, I’m not getting tired.”

“Maybe you just need to try a little harder in gym class,” Diamond Tiara said, lifting a long branch out of the way to let Silver Spoon past.

“I hate gym class.” Silver Spoon ducked under the branch and walked forward a bit to let Diamond Tiara through the dense brush as well. “The coach always stares at my ass when I run.”

“Well, I can’t really blame him for that.” Diamond Tiara winked as she walked past, and Silver Spoon sighed with another eye-roll.

“Come on,” Diamond Tiara said. “This is the place.” She pushed past a crop of bushes and vanished from sight. With a long breath, Silver Spoon followed, bracing herself for whatever awful place her friend had brought her to.

“Woah.”

The clearing looked like it was cut out of another part of the planet. While the rest of the forest had been thick and dark, teeming with spiderwebs and old trees, the clearing was a perfectly pastoral slice of green grass and sunlight plunked right in the middle of the dense woods. It went on longer than seemed possible, only ending after a lengthy distance of bright sky overhead met the canopy of trees again and became the dark forest once more.

There was even a little pond on one side, filled with what looked to be fresh blue water, and surrounded on either side by rocks that were the perfect size for sitting.

“Woah,” Silver Spoon said again.

“Next time remember to believe me when I say I know somewhere cool.” Diamond Tiara set down the bottles she had been carrying the whole way, as well as the long blanket she’d snagged before leaving the mansion. She unrolled it over a sizable section of grass and moved the bottles on top, then sat and beckoned for Silver Spoon to do the same. After a few seconds more of staring at the clearing, Silver Spoon followed suit, and plunked herself down next to the assortment of bottles. They clinked against each other when the blanket shifted.

“This place is way better than some stupid basement or TV. I’ve already watched all the movies in the house anyway.” Diamond Tiara squinted and grit her teeth as she wrestled with the cap of one of the bottles. She bit down hard on her lip as she turned, and finally managed to unscrew the cap with a loud ‘pop’.

“Should we have brought glasses?” Silver Spoon asked. She leaned back on the blanket and stared upwards, soaking in the bright sunlight pouring through the gap in the trees like a hole into a perfect sky.

“Nah, we can just drink straight out of the bottle. I don’t think I could have carried any cups anyway.” Diamond Tiara gave the contents of her selection an appraising look. The clear liquid sloshed back at her. Seemingly content with her examination, she tilted her head back and brought the mouth of the bottle to her lips. The bottle ‘glugged’ as she swallowed more than a few sizable gulps. She stopped abruptly, pulling the bottle forward with a pop similar to the one that had opened it.

“Shit! This stuff is really strong.” Diamond Tiara closed her eyes and shook her head. She opened her eyes after a few seconds and held the bottle in Silver Spoon’s direction.

Silver Spoon eyed the bottle, but extended her hoof and took it without objection. She took a little longer to steel herself up to a drink, but followed Diamond Tiara’s lead after a few seconds. She only managed a few gulps before she pulled the bottle away, sputtering.

“Holy... jeez, that’s... wow.”

“Pretty good, huh?” Diamond Tiara kicked her hindlegs and giggled.

“I dunno if I can drink all of this...”

“We don’t have to drink all of it, dummy. Just enough to have fun.” Diamond Tiara opened a fresh bottle, brimming with untouched rum.

“How much do you think that is?”

“Well,” Diamond Tiara said, raising the bottle to her mouth, “I guess there’s only one way to find out.”

As it turned out, drinking did not immediately equal fun.

A decent amount of the selection the girls had brought with them was gone within an hour or two. The crisp air of the clearing reeked at points with open booze, and the girls themselves had gone from bright and chipper to sluggish and flustered. Silver Spoon in particular seemed to have picked up a perpetual blush that refused to leave her cheeks no matter how hard she willed it to. She sat on the blanket, facing towards the pond, and rubbed her cheeks, but the redness stayed.

Diamond Tiara had fallen backwards on the blanket and was lying with her eyes closed, her hoof resting on the almost finished bottle of vodka by her side.

“Thiss sssucks,” she slurred. She moved her hoof and pushed the bottle away. It made a loud ping as it bounced off another bottle. “I thought getting drunk was supposed to... it was... it was supposed to be fun.”

“Maybe it is fun,” Silver Spoon offered. “I mean... I can’t really tell.” Silver Spoon squinted hard and lifted her glasses off her nose. The world was blurry no matter how much she looked at.

“I’m so boooooooored...” Diamond Tiara buried her face in the blanket and thrashed like an upset pig. She sat up after a few seconds, scowling. “There has to be something fun to do now that we’re drunk.”

“Well...” Silver Spoon looked upwards and ran a hoof over her cheek. The sun seemed cold against the warmness of her cheeks. “We could fool around,” she said, turning in Diamond Tiara’s direction.

Diamond Tiara gave her a once over. She was propped up with a bit of a lean backwards, resting on her forelegs. As always, her tiny silver frame looked like it had been carved by a sculptor with particular attention to little details. Despite her drunkenness, Silver Spoon’s mane was still done up neatly, and she smiled through the blush permeating her face.

Diamond Tiara felt a twinge between her legs, but her apathy quelled it without effort.

“No,” she said. “I mean... no offense or anything, but I’m kind of... bored of girls at the moment.”

“Oh.” Silver Spoon’s smile vanished, but she quickly replaced it with a sympathetic nod. “I mean... yeah, I know what you mean.”

“You do?”

“Well... no.”

“I mean girls are kind of... it’s like, what—we could mess around, you’ll eat me out, I’ll lick your pussy, we’ll both cum, and that’s it?”

The blush on Silver Spoon’s face intensified. She nodded, though the glaze on her eyes said she might just be doing it out of habit.

“I’m bored of all that. I want something different. I want...” Diamond Tiara trailed off, looking out into the forest.

“I wanna get fucked,” she said.

“By a guy?”

“Well, duh? Who else would I mean?”

“Well, you might have meant, like...” Silver Spoon left her sentence unfinished. She looked off in another direction and fidgeted a bit as she sat.

“I just really want some dick,” Diamond Tiara said, standing atop the blanket. Her legs wobbled a bit as she found her balance, but she managed to take a step forward after a few false starts. The grass folded gently underneath her hoof as she walked to the center of the clearing.

“I guess I know what you mean,” Silver Spoon said, following Diamond Tiara as she walked. Following the bob and wiggle of her butt as she moved, swaying back and forth in that supermodel way she always did. Silver Spoon blinked and shook her head. “I feel like I’m ready to try it, too.”

Diamond Tiara turned as she reached the grove’s center. She raised an eyebrow in Silver Spoon’s direction.

“What do you mean ‘try’?”

Silver Spoon’s mouth fell open, but she quickly collected it.

“You know. I mean... to—”

“Are you still a virgin?”

“I... well... I mean... you’re not?”

“Of course I’m not.” Diamond Tiara made her way back to the blanket and sat back down. She squirmed uneasily in search of a comfortable sitting position, and eventually settled for lying down again, leaning her head on Silver Spoon’s resting foreleg. The brightness in Silver Spoon’s cheeks grew even redder. She bit her lower lip and stared off into the distance.

“You’re not?”

Diamond Tiara shook her head, still resting on Silver Spoon’s lap.

“Nope.”

“But we just started high school...”

“So? I don’t wanna wait until everypony is old enough and be the last one to do it. Plus, I knew it was gonna be fun, and I’m not gonna pass up on something fun either.”

“Who... who was it with?” Silver Spoon looked down at Diamond Tiara at last, her eyes wide as the fresh revelation of her friend’s sexual experience coursed through her brain.

“How do you think I got that flat-screen TV installed in my room?” Diamond Tiara asked.

Silver Spoon stared for a moment. “But I thought you said your dad bought you…” Her sentence trailed off into nothing, her mouth hanging open as the light of revelation flickered in her eyes.

“Oh,” she said.

“It’s not a big deal. It just means I know what it feels like... and it feels pretty good.”

“I…  guess so.”

“Look, all I’m saying is that if there was somepony wandering through the forest right now who happened to walk by, and he happened to be a colt or stallion with a big dick who wanted someplace to put it... well, I wouldn’t say no. I’d probably push him down and jump right on top of his—”

A rustling came, loud, from the forest. It sounded far-off, but not enough to be called ‘the distance’. Diamond Tiara snapped her head in the direction of the sound and froze. Silver Spoon did the same.

“Did you hear that?” Diamond Tiara asked.

Silver Spoon nodded.

“What do you think it was?” she asked.

“It sounded really big. Like a bear, or—”

There it was again. A rustling, a huge, great rustling, more sound than a pony could ever make. It sounded like it was getting closer.

As Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon stared into the forest, transfixed, the sound came nearer. It became a steady shaking, a tumble of leaves and branches as whatever was approaching them pushed nature out of its path. The girls shared a quick glance, then turned immediately back to the forest.

“What do we do?” Silver Spoon asked.

“I don’t know. I don’t think I can run when I’m this buzzed—”

And again. Huge this time, and closer still. Surely whatever it was must be near. Both the girls sat, frozen, paralyzed, as the sound came nearer, nearer, nearer. Their hooves moved together, and held tightly as the thing came closer. It was almost there now, making a beeline straight for them, ready to emerge into the clearing and do whatever horrible things its nature compelled it to, closer still, on the precipice, and then—

A head poked through the forest into the clearing.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”

Both girls screamed. The thing that had poked its head through jumped at the noise, and the branches rattled loudly as its body moved against them.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”

That yell came from the thing, whatever it was.

It sounded like a pony.

“What is it, Snips?”

“There’s somepony in there screaming their head off!”

“Huh?”

As the vague familiarity of the voices crept into the girls’ ears, their screaming dwindled. They looked at each other, then back to the forest.

“Snips?” Diamond Tiara said. She sat up and ran a hoof off her forehead, wiping away a bit of perspiration that had collected from her yelling.

“Diamond Tiara?”

The sour, gravelly voice was unmistakable: that was definitely Snips. Which meant the pony he was talking to must be...

“Snails?”

Both colts poked their heads into the clearing, Snails over top of Snips, given their respective heights. Snips's face was wrinkled up from the impact of the shouting, but Snails's expression was permanently mellow. He surveyed the clearing with his eyes half-open and gave a nod to Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. Silver Spoon waved back at him nervously.

“What are you two doing here?” Diamond Tiara asked. She squared herself up in the posture she was used to, ready to unload a torrent of teasing or worse in the direction of the two intruders. Given no chance to work the alcohol out of her system, however, she wavered a bit to the side as she stood on all fours, and shook her head as she righted herself.

On the blanket, Silver Spoon turned with a gasp as her eyes fell over the collection of half-empty bottles. She moved quickly and covered them up with a corner of the blanket, leaving a suspicious lump towards the back of the clearing.

“What do you mean ‘what are we doing here’?” Snips stepped forward and into the clearing proper, and Snails followed him. “Snails and I always come by here. This whole section of the forest is where we do our explorin’ on the weekends.”

“I saw a cave last time!” Snails said. “But I didn’t go in, ‘cause it was dark and also it might have been just a hole.”

Behind Diamond Tiara’s glare, Silver Spoon held a hoof to her mouth and giggled. Diamond Tiara turned her glare backwards for a second before returning to the two boys.

“I don’t care. This is our clearing and we were here first.”

“It’s not your clearing,” Snips said, glaring back at Diamond Tiara. “But fine. We were just passing by anyway. Isn’t that right, Snails?”

“Do you think when it rains, trees feel how wet they are?”

Snips rolled his eyes and tugged at one of Snails's legs, pulling him in the direction of the clearing’s exit. “Come on already,” he said.

Snails nodded and followed without objection, giving a dull wave in Silver Spoon’s direction. She returned it with a bit of blush and a small smile. After a few seconds, the noise of brush being pushed out of the way ran through the forest again as the boys walked off.

“Ugh. What the heck are those two doing in this part of the woods? Having them show up is like, the opposite of fun.” Diamond Tiara glowered and sat back down. The bottles tucked into the blanket rattled against each other as they shifted.

Silver Spoon remained standing, and kept her stare towards the clearing exit.

“Yeah,” she said. “But...”

“But what?”

“Well... weren’t you just saying how you wanted to... get fucked?”

Diamond Tiara’s face lit up like she’d been punched in the stomach.

“Are you kidding me? With those two? I’d rather go back to town and get Spike to fuck me!”

“Hey, chill out. I’m not saying we have to... look. I’m just saying... you wanted to... to mess around with some boys, right?”

“Not those boys.” Diamond Tiara scowled and screwed up her face with a disgusted expression.

Silver Spoon rolled her eyes. “They’re not that bad. Snips is kinda pudgy, like a big teddy bear... it’s cute.”

“Ugh. Fine, you go have sex with that little turd, and I’ll stay here and drink some more.”

“I hear Snails has a really big dick,” Silver Spoon blurted out. The words felt odd the moment she said them, and her blush strengthened, but she stared Diamond Tiara dead in the eye as she turned back towards her. Her expression had softened.

“Oh?”

“Yeah.” Silver Spoon turned her head to the side, then back forward. “Like... really big.”

“How do you know?”

“I just heard from somepony who... who might know.”

“Who?”

“From Twist.”

“Twist and Snails...?” Diamond Tiara gestured in the direction of the boys’ departure. Rustling still came from the brush, giving evidence that the two colts weren’t making a very fast getaway.

Silver Spoon nodded. “I talked with her a few times over the last couple of months and she... well, they dated for a bit. She says he’s... really big.”

“Huh.”

Both of them said nothing for a moment. The sun was still bright overhead, shining down into the clearing with its perfect rays of mid-afternoon.

“I kind of want to get him to come back, just so I can see.”

Big dicks. Go figure that Diamond Tiara of all ponies might be shallow in that regard.

“Well, we can still catch them, if we go now.”

Diamond Tiara scrunched up her mouth and looked towards the forest and the rustling branches. The wobble of her posture said the liquor she’d drank had no plans to leave anytime soon. And there was the thought of Snails, and how big he might be, what he’d look like lying on his back with Diamond Tiara poised overtop his—

“What about Snips? Snails can stay if he’s... but I don’t want that little goblin touching me.”

“It’s fine. Like I said... I think he’s kind of cute.”

“Why?” Diamond Tiara raised an eyebrow, prompting a fresh dose of red in Silver Spoon’s cheeks.

“He’s... he’s kind of chubby, but it works for him. He looks sorta squishy, and...” Silver Spoon trailed off as the weight of Diamond Tiara’s incredulous stare weighed on her sentence. “Anyway,” she said.

“Well,” Diamond Tiara said,” I guess we could. If you want to, I mean.”

“Maybe.”

Another few seconds of silence passed. Diamond Tiara reached back for another bottle and pulled it out of the blanket. Whiskey. She considered it for a second, but didn’t undo the cap.

“Do you...” Silver Spoon started, then stopped abruptly.

Diamond Tiara turned with the bottle of whiskey still in her hoof. “Hm?” she asked.

“Do you think they... they said they come to this clearing all the time, right? By themselves.”

Diamond Tiara nodded.

“Do you think... do you think they fool around like we do?”

There. She’d said it. Her cheeks only felt redder than the sun.

To Silver Spoon’s great surprise, Diamond Tiara blushed a little bit.

“Well... I dunno. They might, I guess. Do guys do that?”

“I don’t know.”

Silver Spoon shifted a bit on her hooves. She bit her bottom lip and looked off to the pond at the side of the clearing.

“I think it would be really hot if they did,” she said quietly.

The cap made a small popping noise as Diamond Tiara pulled it off the whiskey bottle and took a swig. She took a few sips before lowering the bottle. “... me too,” she said.

“Do you think if we asked them back, and offered to... that they might...”

“You mean, if we say they can fuck us, if they’d touch each other?”

“Yes.” Silver Spoon spat the word out quickly, like her embarrassment wanted it out of her mouth.

Diamond Tiara, for all her earlier protests, looked a bit more relaxed. Contrary to the well-kept nature of Silver Spoon’s mane, Diamond Tiara’s was already a disheveled mess, tossed about her head with loose strands poking in every direction. She looked like she’d already been through a roll in the hay and was anxious to get on with her second.

“They... well, they might. I can be pretty convincing when I—” Diamond Tiara hiccupped loudly and smiled awkwardly as the sound cleared “—when I want.” She hiccupped again a held a hoof to her mouth.

“Do you think we should call them back?”

“Do you promise that I won’t have to do anything with that gross little troll?”

Silver Spoon nodded eagerly.

“I promise. Besides...” she shifted her eyes to the side, and Diamond Tiara tilted her head in the same direction. “Well... I wanna see them do stuff first. We’ll kind of see where it goes from there.”

“I bet you five bits I can get one of them to suck the other one off.”

“No way.”

Diamond Tiara crossed her forelegs and stared forward staunchly.

“Yeah way. Probably even get him to take a load too.”

Silver Spoon shuffled her stance slightly. The red that had suffused itself permanently into her cheeks beamed brighter than a hot coal in a fire. She shifted her hindlegs against each other and bit her lip for a moment.

“Alright, you’re on.” She extended her hoof. Diamond Tiara shook it with a grin.

“Guess that means we should get them back here then...” Diamond Tiara said as she staggered towards the nearby hole in the dense surrounding brush. She held up both hooves to her mouth and screwed up a giant breath.

“Hey, dumbasses! Turn around and come back for a second!”

The sound of shuffling in the forest stopped. A short rustle came after.

“What?”

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon shared a grin.