It’s in the little things, you know?
As soon as those first strands of hair started dropping out of my mane, I was scared. Seeing the first results the disease was giving me was… Well… terrifying. And it wasn’t the first time I was scared. Two big shocks have been delivered to me in the past few months. Twice by the doctor. When I looked up at him from behind that big wooden desk and asked what was wrong, well, one word sufficed. ‘Cancer’ He told me. It was growing in my liver as we spoke that moment. But he was as every doctor is, certain. And he was certain I’d survive it. But the second bad news smacked that ambition away. After weeks of chemo, medicine and depression, the doctor approached me again.
‘There’s nothing more we can do.’
Of course I cried my eyes out. But who wouldn’t upon hearing the news that they are going to pass away? I sobbed uncontrollably, my friends attempting to cheer me up but how can they cheer me up if they’re crying themselves? I hate it when ponies cry because of me. Even Pinkie, the cheeriest mare in Equestria, was crying. Twilight latched onto me, feeling her shocking sobs shudder against my chest as Dash nuzzled my cheek, her fast breath giving away that the tough and fearless pegasus was crying… Because she knew she was going to lose me.
My problem was that I didn’t like it. Why? because they were crying for me. I didn’t want them to. That’s when I stopped crying and took a deep breath. If I only had a few days left to enjoy my life with my friends, then I’d make it the best last days of my entire life! And my friends were going to enjoy it with me! There were a few things I wanted to do anyway. Like a bucket list of some sort. It wasn’t much. Just spend some time with each of my friends alone. just the two of us. That’s one. Second is letting Angel free in the wild. The dear has been going under a lot of stress lately. And the third and last thing, write my will.
I specifically asked my friends not to cry for me those last few days. But I’d forgive them if they did allow a tear to escape. I would cry too if Pinkie would be terminally ill, or Dash. Or Rarity… All of them. But they were healthy, and I was happy for that. They didn’t need to worry about their impending end. or their hair loss. or being hooked up to tubes so their body could function. No, they could fly and walk as they wanted. Somehow, I think that’s what stopping them from living their lives, guilt. They felt guilty for being so… healthy and I’m not. At least two of them stay at my house every night for if I need anything. i’ve noticed how Dash has stopped performing her tricks and showing off in front of everypony so suddenly. How Pinkie hasn’t thrown ANY parties since she knew I was ill.
Somehow I blamed myself.
But it’s in the little things. I began to notice that when I was ill. Ponies always want more more more. Not me. I was happy with an apple as dessert, not some big ice cream sundae. I was happy I could just sit on a grass field and sniff the fresh air. I saw the beauty in things that I would normally not even pay attention to. I saw how a leaf was a piece of art with those veins criss-crossing on the surface. I was amazed by the way an ant lifted up something much bigger than itself. I didn’t need anything fancy. I was happy with the smallest of things, despite being worried about my disease. But what I’m really grateful for is that my friends cared about me…
The news has been given a week ago. I could feel the end come closer. I was getting weaker, short of breath, sleepy… It was time to do those three things I promised myself i’d do before blowing out the candles. All five of my friends had been staying in my house, because they all wanted to be with me until the final hour. It was so sweet from them. The first pony I wanted to speak was Dash, who i have been friends with for as long as I could remember. She had insisted on teaching me a trick before I would become too weak to hold myself in the air, and I did. She taught me how to do a barrel roll, and I was pretty proud when I performed it multiple times. Dash was so happy as well, but I’m afraid my wings had lost their strength. I had to trust on my hooves.
We sat there at that table, talking. It was the usual talk, how it was going on how life was treating us. Dash had a distinct look of emptiness in her eyes. Like she had given up on hope. But I didn’t like that at all. So I told her to cheer up and chase her dream of becoming a Wonderbolt. I knew Dash had it in her to be part of them. She had the potential. And even where ever I’ll be after this, I’ll be watching and supporting her.
That’s a thing I had been thinking about a lot. Where I’d be going after all of this. Will I just sleep? Will I go to a better place? Will I be reincarnated as another pony? I didn’t know. And I would only find out when the time has come. I wasn’t looking forward to it, but somehow I was still curious. It was a bit of a weird situation.
Then I started fishing up memories with Rainbow Dash. Try and remember the good old times with her. Like the time She asked me to help her find a pet, She apologized for that incident with the tornado, we laughed with memories from our foalhood. it felt good, forgetting about it all again. Just fish up memories was just great. Something I’d miss. Something Dash’d miss. So I thanked her for being there for me. And that’s when the mood spiraled back down.She told me not to give up yet and to stay strong. She wanted to postpone the inevitable. But I can only go on for as long as my fragile body allowed me to. I sighed and hugged her close. I completely understood her frustration. I understood she couldn’t let go. But it had to happen…
I heard her sniffle, and was afraid she was about to cry. It was already confirmed with the fact she said I couldn’t go, that I needed to stay. What could I say to that? What could I respond? All I could tell her was ‘sorry’. How hard I even wanted to win this fight against the terrible disease, I couldn’t. The only thing I could do, was be sorry. With a sigh, Dash left. The next to come talk to me was Rarity, who made a lovely wig for me when my mane fell out. It almost resembled my old mane, it was just a bit darker in color. But I was happy she made it for me. I was afraid to show myself in public with that empty scalp.
Rarity acted differently, however. She seemed like she had accepted fate, which I really appreciated. She took my hoof in her’s, slowly stroking through that wig that was her handiwork. ‘Fluttershy’ She cooed, I always loved her voice. Stern yet calming. ‘I wanted to do a last favor.’ She told me. I was curious, to say. I wondered what Rarity had for me. ‘I made you a dress. For your ceremony.’
I was surprised. But I’d love to wear that dress during my funeral. I had already discussed what I want to my friends. A normal last rites. But I want to be cremated. I want to be scattered out in the only place I have ever felt truly at home; Ponyville. Anywhere in Ponyville was fine to me, as long as it was in this quaint town. And for Rarity to make me a dress to wear during those last rites? I was flattered. i told her I’d love to wear it. She asked me if I wanted to see it…
‘I’ll see it during the ceremony.’
She nodded. I knew those tears were coming again so I simply hugged her. I heard her sigh. I didn’t mean anything rude by it, I just meant that somehow I’ll be watching over my friends, I was sure of that. i was sure I’d be at my own funeral, just to console my friends.It might sound weird, but that’s how it is. I would never leave my friends’ side.
But Rarity pulled back when she heard I started coughing. My lungs retracted in protest, pumping out the air in painful coughs. i whimpered slightly, the fit ending as quick as it came. I didn’t have much time left. my right hoof started shaking slightly. Rarity had a very worried expression on her face the whole time, but I told her I’d be fine. Just fine.
I didn’t like ponies worrying over me.
We talked for a bit. She told me how business was going in her boutique and how Sweetie was doing. I was happy to hear that the life of my friends was going good. They had no reason to be upset. Well, except maybe for my situation but… I liked to think it wasn’t hindering them too much. Rarity gave me a kiss on the cheek, before trotting off. Next was Twilight. She helped me a lot during these hard times. I mostly thanked her knowledge given by her books for her knowing how to take care of me. She almost acted as a nurse. It was almost like she lived with me for the past couple of weeks.
She sat down besides me, leaning against me gently. Her cheeks and eyes made it clear she had been crying softly. Whether or not it was because she knew what I was doing I was unsure. Twilight was a very smart mare, I was almost sure she had figured out that these were practically my last goodbye. So she wasted no time hugging me.
‘I’ll miss you.’
That’s what she said. Not a ‘please don’t go’ Like Dash told me. I liked to hear that. I was glad that some of my friends accepted what was coming. Letting go would be a whole different story, but at least they still have eachother. It’s that what matters. That time it was my turn to gift something. I gave Twilight a small box, which she opened slowly. It was that old Grand Galloping Gala ticket she once gave me. It looked old, but was still intact. It was one of the first things Twilight ever gave me, so I figured it would be a nice gesture to have the same item be the very last thing I gave Twilight.
And she seemed to accept it. Her grip on me tightened up as she sniffled, gazing at the ticket. Like I said, it’s in the little things. Even Twilight knew. Otherwise she wouldn’t be so happy in being gifted a ticket, right? it’s the emotional value that counts… Once again we talked for a bit. Spike’s been missing me too, which I didn’t expect. I never really thought as Spike as really a close friend. For the first few weeks Twilight lived in Ponyville I even thought he was just a pet.
It was Applejack’s turn next. She took off her head when she sat with me, placing an apple on my lap. ‘Because ah know how much ya like ‘em’ She told me. I thanked her and started slowly eating that apple as we talked. Applejack was a strong girl, and it showed emotionally too. She was a rock with a gingerbread heart, but she knew how to keep that heart in line. She knew when to cry and when not to cry because just like me, she thought about the others. She knew that showing her emotions too much would hurt others. That’s why she ran away one time, after losing that contest.
I’m not denying it was out of shame. But her emotions played part in it too. I was sure of that. She told me that her and her family would put up a little memorial to me in the field next to my house. I didn’t expect that at all. A memorial for me? But I never did anything really big! Except for being the element of kindness, perhaps… And taming Discord… Okay, maybe I did a few things. But still, a memorial seemed like a bit of a big thing for a pony like me. But I could only accept. After all, everypony wanted to do something for me, I couldn’t refuse.
Once again the talk about families. She told me how Applebloom is making a big drawing with Sweetie and Scootaloo for me, and i thought it was very sweet of them. Even Big Mac was worried. I’ve always had the suspicion he had an eye on me, but I could never really tell. It could’ve been. Maybe I should’ve said goodbye to him too. Maybe…
Last but not least was Pinkie Pie. She was, as always, eccentric in her ways. She practically pounced onto me and started crying softly. I huffed softly, just hugging the pink pony back. I couldn’t blame her, she practically lived on the amount of friends she had. She couldn’t handle losing one, and it was about to happen. We didn’t talk. We just hugged. kept each other close. No words, but deeds. And well, it worked.
I can’t remember how long we were hugging. In pure silence. Never had I seen a moment where Pinkie didn’t say a thing for minutes on end. her shoulders shook gently as she let out the occasional sob. And well, I couldn’t help it. I started crying with her. It was like she wanted to pump all of the love and friendship she had for the years I wouldn’t live into me right now. it was emotional, to say the least, how we just hugged for a few minutes. She finally pulled back, and just told me that she loves me. Then she gave me a cupcake in the shape of a heart.
That was it. Pinkie’s visit.
That crossed out the first thing. I said a proper goodbye to all of my friends. But now came a part that I didn’t look forward to. Letting Angel go. The bunny has been my pet for as long as I remember. I knew he had been rude and selfish most of the times, but he was actually a real sweetheart. I remember how he always cuddled up against me when I went to sleep, feeling his cute fluffy tail brush against me as he sniffed out a comfortable spot to sleep. Or how he smiled so wide when we went outside to play some games. How he hopped around in the field without a care in the world.
But lately… Well, he knew what was going on with me. He had barely left my side. As I looked down at him when he approached me, I saw in his eyes that he was concerned about mommy. His ears laying flat on his head, those eyes big and watery. Letting him go was going to be a really difficult task for me. But I knew that none of my friends could take care of him. And I had the feeling that Angel would fit just perfect in the wild, between those other bunnies.
I gently scooped him up and placed him on my back, heading into the field. I made the walk slow, so I could enjoy the last few moments with my dear Angel bunny. All my other animals had chosen the wild by now, because I told them to. And because of that Angel knew that the same thing would go for him. He was just sitting on my back, looking down. Ears flat. He wasn’t happy. But I couldn’t blame him. I wasn’t feeling too excited to let him go either.
I stopped in the middle of the field and sighed, pulling Angel off my back and placing him on the grass. I bent my knees so i was on his eye level, gazing at him. ‘Angel… it’s time for mommy to say goodbye...’ I said, the rabbit letting out a squeak and hugging my snout. He didn’t want to let go, so much was clear, but it had to happen. I closed my eyes, feeling a tear make its way down my cheek. ‘You’ve been a real dear… But mommy can’t take care of you much longer...’ I told him gently. ‘Go make new friends… You have a whole world for you alone… You don’t need mommy anymore.’
I couldn’t hold myself in, more tears drawing a moist path over my cheeks. ‘I’ll always be with you, dear, you know that. You’ll never be alone.’ Angel just nuzzled at my nose gently, pulling back slowly as he looked up at me with big, glassy eyes. He was a smart rabbit. he understood the whole situation. ‘Go ahead… Go explore...’ Were the last words I spoke to him, before he slowly turned and hopped away in the grass. he looked back regularly to see if I was still there. He would see me watching him as he went. He would see how I watched my Angel bunny hop to freedom. Until he suddenly disappeared from my sight. Angel was gone. That left only one thing to do before I would allow myself to pass away.
It was time to write my will. I planned to put it in an envelope and give it to Twilight, telling her only to open it when I passed away. Still feeling the emotions of Angel’s goodbye, I grabbed myself a piece of paper and a pencil, and started writing.
‘I don’t have much to give away. But I do have something to tell all of you. I will write down everything I want to say down here, and try to scatter some memories between all of you. Keep in mind that I have always loved you.
Rainbow Dash. I want you to have my photo-album of when I was a filly. Most of the pictures are those of us two together. You have always been a great friend to me and you have always supported me through both nice and dark times. I will never forget your loyalty and kindness. I hope that one day you will make it as Wonderbolt and live your dream. I’m pretty sure you, the greatest flyer in all of Equestria, will achieve that. Please fly safe.
Rarity. I want you to have the dress back that you made for me for the Grand Galloping Gala. I know it’s not much, but i’d like you to keep it as a memory to me. You always knew how to defend me in difficult situations and I love drinking a cup of tea with you, or going to the spa with you. Those times we talked while enjoying a mud bath will always be golden times. Don’t give up on your dream of opening a boutique in Canterlot. Your clothes are above their level already.
Twilight Sparkle. I have already given you that ticket, but I feel it’s not enough. I also want you to have all the books I have, since I know you love them so much. It’s not a big collection, but it’s something, and I hope you can learn something from them. You are the greatest princess I know, and I’m sure Celestia must be very proud to have a student like you. I can say that I’m proud of what you have achieved.
Applejack. In my bedrooms there’s a small chest with a necklace inside. it’s a necklace I had gotten from my mother, before she passed away. I want you to have it now, since I have no children to give it to myself. This is one of my most valuable possessions. I wish you good luck with your farm. You have always been a strong friend of mine, who I could rely on. Also, please say goodbye to Big Mac for me. And give him a big hug. Please.
Pinkie Pie. I know you’re a big party animal. That’s why I want to give you my entire music collection to play at your parties. You always knew how to cheer me up and your bubbly personality always made for some good laughs. Please never stop being you. A lot of ponies can learn something from you. Don’t worry, be happy.
As for my house, I want to gift it to the Cutie Mark Crusaders to build a new clubhouse in. I hope they find their cutiemarks soon, I feel like they’re getting close to finding out what their special talent really is.
With much love,
Fluttershy.’
There we go. I finished my will. i carefully folded it up neatly and slipped it in the envelope. I didn’t address my parents, because they had already passed away. Those five were actually the only friends I had. But they were the best of friends nonetheless. I walked into the living room, where all my friends were seated in silence. I smiled to them, slipping Twilight the envelope. She knew what it was, and just kept hold of it. She stared at it, almost not believing she was holding her friend’s will. I sat down with them, my body shuddering under itself. I felt myself getting weaker and weaker. It wouldn’t be long now.
I felt sleepy. Like I could just close my eyes and sleep forever. Doze off into dreamland with no worries. my body started swaying from left to right, hooves shaking under my weight. i felt like I was getting heavier and heavier, sleepier and sleepier. My friends noticed this. I heard Applejack call my name, a shoulder pressed against mine. In an attempt to keep me up. I heard shuffling, before I just lost all control and fell, wanting to sleep…
-
I woke back up in my bed. I felt weak. My heart was slowly making its last few beats. All my friends sat around me and at the foot of my bed was my doctor, looking concerned. he sighed softly, looking at me. ‘It’s time to go, Fluttershy. You’ve been a strong girl.’ He told me. I could only nod. I was too weak to speak. The comfort of my bed was so welcoming as I lay back. The room was silent, for seven ponies to be inside. I could hear the occasional sniffle. They were waiting for me to draw that last breath. I would finally be released from the pain that was this disease. no more chemo. No more feeling sick. No wig…
But it had a negative side too. I had to say goodbye to my friends. I was so young. I had a whole life ahead of me and well… There I was. Listening to my slow heartbeat. I felt a hoof place itself on mine. I opened my eyes to see who it was. Twilight. She slowly pressed her forehead on my hoof. She was the first one to start crying. I was too tired to cry with her. But I allowed her to sob. I didn’t mind. I started seeing my life flash before me in different memories. I could see myself as a filly play around with Dash. I relived how I arrived in Ponyville and was greeted by Pinkie and Applejack. I was helping Twilight defeat Nightmare Moon all over again. I entered the mode show with rarity once more.
But I opened my eyes and realized that this was the end again. Applejack was trying oh so hard to try and keep herself from sobbing. Pinkie was leaning against the bed, staring straight in my eyes. Dash and Rarity were sharing a hug to console each other. And Twilight… Well, twilight was sobbing against my hoof. My doctor just stood there, watching. It must not be a nice job to do when things like this occur. I could see him get out a handkerchief and wipe at his eyes slightly
A doctor was a bearer of good or bad news. it must not be easy to have such a task. I could never imagine how it would be to tell a family their son wouldn’t make it. Or tell a group of friends their yellow pegasus friend was terminally ill…
But look at me. Even on the verge of death I still kept wondering about things. But I felt it was my time to go. I closed my eyes again, preparing for a really big nap. I heard Twilight say ‘We love you.’ as my breathing slowed down. I nodded, putting my last energy on famous last words.
‘Love you too.’
With that, I let my last breath escape my lips. My heart stopped its labor, ceasing my blood flow.
It was time to sleep.
