The Canterlot mailpony was galloping swiftly though the Everfree Forest. His left saddlebag was filled with letters from all over Equestria, addressed to ponies in Ponyville. There wasn't a particularly large bunch this day, which was why it all fit in only one bag. This was good, because in the right bag was a special delivery. Though its destination wasn't in Ponyville, there was only one mailpony able to make its delivery, and she was.
• • •
As the Canterlot pony arrived at the Ponyville mail hub, Derpy got down from the ceiling onto the floor. She followed the pony as she knew he had the last of the incoming mail.
"Here's today's lot," he said to the head mailmare as he dropped his left saddlebag on the table. "And," he continued as he reached for the special letter, "here's another 'royal' delivery."
"Ah, yes. Another one? Oh well, I'm sure we can get it to its destination." The head mailmare said as she glanced towards Derpy. "Thank you for the delivery, sir." The mailmare took the contents from the bag and put it with the incoming mail from the other towns. "There's been no mail since the evening rounds, so you can be on your way now."
Derpy looked as the head mailmare sorted the letters and packages into more or less even piles, with one exception. One pile was significantly smaller than the others. When the mailmare went to give the smaller pile to Derpy, she refused. "Muffins!" she shouted whilst pointing to the bigger piles, demanding a bigger delivery.
"Don't you worry, Derpy," The head mailmare said to her as she presented her the special letter. "I also need you to deliver this." Derpy took the letter and looked at the address.
• • •
She recalled when every mailpony in Equestria was stressed out because Princess Luna decided to take them up on their 'we'll send mail anywhere' campaign. Many said it was futile, even more called it impossible, but Princess Luna was quite adamant about getting the letters delivered. When the news hit Ponyville, they too thought it couldn't be done.
Well, everyone save Derpy.
Instead of mingling in with the conversation she had decided to just deliver the letter instead. It was a good call, since when she came back the post office had just about officially declared it impossible.
Ever since, Derpy had been delivering the royal mail to its impossible destination. Some ponies asked her how she managed delivery, but never listened long enough to hear the answer. Derpy didn't care. These far packages provided a nice change from the usual paths through Ponyville.
• • •
Sill not completely happy with the smaller stack, Derpy accepted the letters and as she sorted though her other deliveries she found that these were selected with care as well. Some mail to the Everfree Forest (which meant some nice flying), a letter to the Cakes (which meant muffins), a round object...
The round parcel was packaged in crooked paper and badly taped together, leaving plenty of holes through which its contents could slip out or be exposed to the elements. Derpy looked at it sadly. Who would package something like that? She would have repackaged it herself if it wasn't against the rules. Then, the package... moved.
In fact, it was almost going off over the edge of the table. Before it fell, she intercepted it and looked it over for the address. As she found it, the package squeaked.
This one needed to be delivered first, and fast! Who knew how long this poor little package has been in the mail, it shouldn't wait another minute.
Without examining the rest, Derpy grabbed the mail and distributed it among her mailbags. Then she flew directly to Fluttershy's cottage.
• • •
When Derpy arrived at Fluttershy's cottage she knocked on the door. When it opened she saw an annoyed little bunny, who, as was said in a very soft voice from inside, shouldn't have gone to bed that late.
"Angel?" Derpy said, as she expected Fluttershy to open the door. Angel regained his composure and with a smile opened his paws to receive the big package. Derpy knew what he was anticipating, but that package would arrive tomorrow. "Package mail squeak butterfly!" Derpy said.
With those words, Angel returned to his chagrin demeanour and went back inside. A few seconds later, Fluttershy took his place. "Oh hi Derpy, Angel said you had mail for me."
Derpy reached into her bag and carefully retrieved the curious round package which squeaked again the second Fluttershy touched it. She sped back inside, nearly pulling it out of Derpy's hooves.
When Fluttershy realised what the package was, she started unpacking the round parcel at once. "Oh my," she said as a cute little critter inside a ball became visible, "I'm terribly sorry mister hamster, they shouldn't have sent you here like that. But it's okay, you're here now."
• • •
As Fluttershy further apologised to the hamster about how he was brought to Ponyville, Derpy continued on her rounds. She had only a small stack of mail and decided to deliver them in the same order she took them out of her mailbag. She had plenty of time anyway.
Normally she would follow her galloping salespony routine. Her approach to mail delivery was strange, but she managed to outperform many other mailponies when challenged for a mail competition.
No matter how many letters were involved, with her routine she could instantly calculate the optimal mail route when she looked at the addresses. Even when they'd leave the building the same time, there was no pony who would dare to take most of the short-cuts she took.
But not today. Today she took the letters out one at a time. She walked slowly and also took the liberty of personally delivering each package rather then to use the mail-slot as usual.
Most ponies weren't surprised when Derpy personally presented them with the day's mail. She usually did that when their mailbox was in the 'mail delivered' stance, rather then 'mail ready'.
Some strange combination of rules demanded that you don't put any new mail in it, but this wouldn't stop Derpy from bringing it personally, together with a pamphlet about proper mailbox usage.
• • •
It was already the afternoon when she grabbed the letter to the Cakes. Her timing was perfect! Pinkie Pie and Applejack had just finished their first samples, and there was already a crowd growing. "Muffins!"
Derpy examined her free sample carefully before eating it up. It looked... weird, greener then usual. But it still looked like a muffin. She carefully took a bite. It was still weird... yet still a muffin. Derpy decided it was probably a new recipe they were trying out, so she ate it up completely before she went inside to go looking for the Cakes.
As she tried to intrude into their living room, she was stopped by Pinkie Pie. "What are you doing?" Pinkie asked as she skillfully blocked Derpy's attempts to pass her. Frustrated, she showed Pinkie the Cakes' letter.
Before Derpy could explain, Pinkie Pie took over. "Oh. A letter for the Cakes? Well, they're not here right now," she said while bouncing up and down in her usual manner.
"I know," she continued, increasing the speed of her skipping, "can I deliver the letter? I'm real good with that. Ever since I was a little filly, I delivered messages for Granny Pie everywhere!"
Derpy wasn't convinced by Pinkie, who continued without interruption, "I'm also watching the Cakes' house whilst they are away, so I'm also in charge of their mail aren't I?"
Derpy considered for a moment; Pinkie was right. House watching was in the rules. She extended the letter to Pinkie Pie again, who was off on a tangent about oatmeal before she noticed. "Oh. Yes. Thank you. I'll take good care of it, I promise." Pinkie grabbed the letter. "Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye."
• • •
The next letter Derpy grabbed was addressed to Zecora. That meant some flying. That would do her some good, something had thrown her off a bit. It was probably the unusual schedule she followed. After Zecora, she would use her regular routine again.
She went out of the Cakes' house and dashed into the air. She was flying past the mail office when suddenly her stomach started protesting. She reminded herself she had just ate a muffin, but as Derpy was focusing on her stomach, a stationary tree decided to move just enough to get in her way. She bumped into the tree head first.
It was not the first time this happened. And it was always this particular tree, which by now should have had a Derpy-shaped dent from all these crashes. Her stomach protested again, but it was not hunger or want for muffin. She realised she was getting sick.
Derpy sat down for a moment deciding what to do. She knew she needed treatment and probably soon. How much mail was there left to deliver anyhow? She checked her bag. There was Zecora's mail... and something for Pinkie Pie. Horseapples. She should have given that to her earlier! And... apple sauce... that one letter that drove the other mailponies mad.
Pinkie Pie didn't live near a hospital, but Zecora knew of medicine, and she was the next to deliver to anyway. Derpy dashed off again to continue to Zecora's place.
• • •
When Derpy arrived she looked noticeably more green then when she crashed into the tree and she felt bad. In fact, the last few minutes of the journey she ventured on foot because she couldn't concentrate on flying any more.
Derpy pressed the doorbell as she took Zecora's letter out her bag. When Zecora opened the door Derpy was sitting down, barely keeping her balance whilst holding out the letters.
"Even though so sick you be, you still deliver mail to me?" Zecora asked whilst taking the letters.
In a sick voice Derpy replied, "Green mail do. Plant big. Sister?"
As Zecora looked at Derpy she considered whether she was better off now she was considered more or less a secondary doctor as she was when people had thought her an evil enchantress, and what was it with these ponies and poison joke?
"You touched the plant I said avoid, why do you keep getting me annoyed?" she said sternly, hoping Derpy would visit the spa the next time she decided to eat that flora again. They had the recipe for the cure as well.
Derpy looked at her questioningly. 'Plant?' she thought 'What plant? There was no plant. There was a tree. There has always been a tree and there has never been a plant. Or was there?' Derpy considered. 'Wait. Did she mean the poison joke thing?'
"No branch cupcake is." Derpy said. She concentrated deeply in an effort to relay today's events verbally. "Mail... deliver... muffin... crash... here." Zecora examined Derpy closer. The green wasn't the result of poison joke and Zecora knew the wall eyes were one of Derpy's features. No, this was definitely not the result of poison joke.
"Sorry I am for my mistake," Zecora spoke, "perhaps I can help you with your ache." Zecora beckoned Derpy inside and when she got her sitting down she started browsing through 'Soupernaturals', as well as a few other books, because she didn't know the cause.
• • •
Zecora had trouble finding a proper cure for Derpy's condition. There were a number of things she could be dealing with and frustratingly enough, for most of the cures she was missing some vital ingredients. She did find one potion she could brew and it was enough to calm the symptoms until a better-supplied physician could take care of her. She started it and reported her findings to Derpy: "Fix you up I cannot do, but I can slow it down for you."
Slowing down was good enough for Derpy if it meant she could deliver her mail. "Mail yes fly?" she asked. Zecora interpreted that Derpy wanted to finish her rounds before minding her illness again.
A bad idea. Especially since there was no telling how long her treatment would last. "No you must still go to the hospital," she answered whilst filling a paper cup with the purple, viscous liquid she had just prepared. As she offered it to Derpy she said sternly, "This will get you there, that's all."
Derpy considered the premise. If it could get her up on her feet until she reached the Ponyville nurses, she just had to deliver the letters before she went there. She thought again of the tree she bumped into on the way to Zecora's and then she thought of another pony who used that trick all the time.
As Derpy finished her cup, she noticed she was feeling a lot better. "Thank you", she said. Zecora accepted the words with a smile, but waited to hear if Derpy indeed intended to go to the hospital. Derpy noticed Zecora wasn't satisfied yet and answered. "First duty, hospital." Zecora accepted this as a confirmation.
• • •
Despite the fact she hoped she would feel good until she got to the hospital as promised, Derpy hastened her delivery to Pinkie Pie.
When Derpy arrived at Pinkie Pie's place, she was beginning to turn green again. As she pressed the doorbell the door opened and a little pink pony's head appeared.
"Hi there Derpy! Here to check on the letter you gave me? Well, I ain't got it here but we can go to the Cakes' house, because I left the letter over there." Pinkie Pie then retracted her head. She bounced out of her house and looked at Derpy.
"Are you all right? You don't look so good," Pinkie Pie asked. "You had a muffin didn't you? I had one too and I got sick but then I went to the nurse and now I am all better again. You should go too!"
"No!" Derpy protested, "Get must duty!" Then Derpy's stomach protested. No, she couldn't deliver that last letter. She could barely stand. It was getting worse a lot faster then the last time. At least she should notify the mailmare she was unable to finish her rounds.
"You silly filly," Pinkie Pie said, "you are really sick. You should go to the nurse or you might..." Pinkie gasped at the implications. "No. We can't have you do that. It's not your number yet so I should definitely get you to the nursery to get better."
"MUFFINS! Fly mail end," Derpy shouted angrily.
"I should bring you to the nursery," Pinkie Pie repeated as she looked Derpy in both of her eyes.
Derpy concentrated hard on her next words. "Post office," she protested.
"Nursery," said Pinkie again, not noticing the sudden clarity Derpy displayed.
"Post office," Derpy sternly repeated.
"Nursery," Pinkie replied again.
They went to and fro for a while longer until Pinkie Pie decided it was time to end the game. "Hospital!" she said. "No, Post office."
Derpy, too sick to notice and more or less just following the conversation as it went, said what Pinkie Pie expected. "No, Hospital!"
Pinkie added one more to drive the point home. "Post office."
"Hos..." Derpy started as her stomach told her it was time to stop fooling around, and Derpy collapsed as she gave in to Pinkie, "Post office."
"Yay! I won again!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed as she bounced in place, until she realised it totally blew her little ploy to get Derpy to the hospital. "Oh well, let's get you to the post office then, but I still think you need to go to the hospital."
• • •
Pinkie Pie stayed true to her word and helped Derpy get to the post office. When Daisy cried her usual 'Oh, the horror,' Pinkie offered again to go with Derpy's suggestion and still go to the hospital. Derpy on the other hand stayed true to her duty, and declined every time in favour of the post office.
Upon arrival, the head mailmare was shocked at the sight of her favourite employee affected by the baked bads. "What happened?!" she cried. Pinkie Pie went off telling her own story of the baked bads, interjected some extra bits which were related to Derpy's situation.
As Derpy presented the special letter, the mailmare stood in shock yet again. When the second of Luna's letters came to Ponyville, she had made an official commitment to deliver the letters on the same day it arrived, always. A promise she relied on Derpy for to keep, but Derpy was clearly unable to deliver it now. The mailmare looked at Derpy. In disbelief she now had to break her Royal promise.
• • •
When Pinkie thought she had sufficiently explained the situation, she too noticed the letter. Pinkie Pie had no clue of the implications of this particular parcel, but she did get was that the letter needed to be delivered. "Can I help? I always wanted to be a deputy pony. I guess I can also be a deputy mailpony!"
The mailmare looked at Pinkie Pie, and decided against it, "I wish," she said, "but you couldn't. I think you'd need to be able to fly to get there and you're no pegasus."
Pinkie blinked for a moment, but seemed to be losing none of her enthusiasm for the job. "That's no problem" she said, "I've got a crazy flying contraption and balloons too. I can fly, no problem."
"I'm still unsure," the mailmare continued, "even Professor E. McZweifelsen thinks it's impossible to get there within two weeks. Even at super-sonic rainboom speeds. We're not sure how Derpy does it, but she does."
"Then where do you need it delivered? That's not in Ponyville if it takes that long to get there," Pinkie Pie continued before realising the awesomeness a super-sonic rainboom would imply. "A Super Sonic Rainboom? That would be sooooo cool! I bet Rainbow Dash can pull that off. It was so awesome when she did that at the Young Flyers Competition. Well, it was a regular Sonic Rainboom, but Rarity was like 'wahahahahaha' and the wonderbolts were like 'pieueueueue'..."
As Pinkie Pie continued her story, the mailmare considered her options. She could either admit defeat and be on her way to Celestia to apologise in advance, or give Pinkie Pie a shot and hope it'd work out somehow.
The mailmare let Pinkie continue for a moment until she presented her with the letter's destination. "It actually needs to be delivered to the moon... Tonight."
Pinkie Pie paused for a moment as she put her thoughts on the Young Fliers Competition at rest. "The moon?" she asked. "That's no problem, where'd you think I get mooncakes from? I'd be there and back before you say apple sauce," she said, bouncing up and down, excited for the apparently important task.
• • •
The mailmare went to grab the letter from Derpy, but Derpy would have none of it. She didn't come to the post office to have the rules broken. She spent weeks learning the rules of the trade before she was finally allowed her first delivery.
No way that pink pony is going to deliver the mail against the rules. Royal mail, even. With whatever strength she had left, Derpy held on to the letter.
The mailmare tugged at the letter some more. Derpy knew she wouldn't tug hard enough to damage the letter and the mailmare knew Derpy would hold on to it like the smooze if she believed she should.
"Why won't you give me the letter?" the mailmare asked, slightly confused. "You are too sick to deliver it. The rules say you should return the unsent mail."
They did, Derpy recalled, but they also said the Luna mail was to be delivered on the day it arrived and they also said mailponies deliver mail, so Derpy couldn't be sick. She tried to get up from the floor and answer her boss. "Bad... carriage... Pinkie... grinding." By now, Derpy had risen to her hooves and was trying desperately not to crash down again. "Op deliver, duty!"
Derpy was the only pony in Ponyville who knew the post office rules better then the head mailmare, or anypony for that matter. She also knew she couldn't 'make up' a rule, because Derpy would recognise them all. She had to be legit and she had to find a loophole big enough for Pinkie Pie. Quite unceremoniously, the mailmare went into the back room to looking for the rulebook and the answer.
• • •
With the mailmare out of the room, Pinkie Pie decided to talk to Derpy again. "So you're really planning to deliver that letter while you're sick?" Anticipating that Pinkie Pie would just annoy her with reasons why she couldn't, Derpy made way for the front door, or at least tried to.
"I'm not sure," Pinkie Pie continued, "but I think it would be handy if you could do more then one step before falling down. I mean, it's still a long way and with that pace you never deliver by tonight!"
Derpy got up again. Pinkie was right. Still, a sick mailpony delivering late would break less rules then a regular pony delivering. This was still the right path. She stumbled towards the front door again.
"I don't think three steps is gonna be enough either, but it's a great improvement over the last try. Wanna try again?" Pinkie bounced around Derpy who fell to the floor a second time. "Maybe you'll be the only pony in all of Ponyville who didn't need to go to the nurses to get cured."
Derpy continued to stumble as Pinkie Pie continued to describe the futility of her effort. Unintentionally, Pinkie Pie also reminded Derpy of a lot of rules which she forgot about due to being too sick to think straight. "The muffin says you must go to the nurses office, I think you should listen to the muffin," Pinkie Pie tried as an "Eureka" was heard from the back room.
• • •
"I," the mailmare began as she barged into the room holding a dusty volume of the Official Equestrian Post Office rule book. She was mimicking the inspirational speech style of the mayor pony when she continued her proclamation. "Head of the Ponyville Post Office of Equestria, hereby invoke Section 1 of the Post Office Rulebook, Subsection 3, Paragraph 3, Sub-paragraph 7, on the moon."
The mailmare looked intently at Derpy, who was trying to recall the rule in question. The first hundred rules or so were related to appointing positions and mail territories, not mail delivery, so even on a good day Derpy would have trouble recalling it.
"I am now officially declaring a new post district of Ponyville for the moon," the mailmare explained. Derpy got what she was getting at. There was yet another rule which said mailponies may only deliver in their own district. Still, the number of rules forbidding Pinkie Pie from delivering was significantly larger, so Derpy went again once more towards the door to the post office.
"I'm not done yet!" the mailmare exclaimed as she saw Derpy crawling towards the door again. Derpy stopped and turned her head to once again face the mailmare.
"Following decree 35, Subsection C, Paragraph 3, Sub-paragraph 4; In absence of official mailponies able to deliver mail to a new district (the moon), the Head Mailmare (me) and the Local Post Office Director (incidentally also me), can assign an untrained civilian (Pinkie Pie) to handle that district," she took a moment to look at Pinkie Pie intently, "and that district alone, until such a mailpony can be found."
Derpy's stomach turned yet again. This time it wasn't related to her unusual lunch. She knew that decree. She had tried to use it herself before she was trained, but now... Pinkie Pie was an officially sanctioned mail pony because of it... and she stole her special delivery! Tears started to form in Derpy's eyes.
"Don't you worry, Derpy," the mailmare said to Derpy. "When you are better again, the route automatically defaults to you, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Let's get you to the nurses office."
• • •
Derpy finally handed the letter over to Pinkie Pie, who immediately went to deliver it. Princess Luna would later ask the mailmare about that strange pink delivery pony she had read about in one of her correspondences. In her turn, the mailmare (and quite a few others actually) asked Pinkie Pie about her delivery method, but just as with Derpy, no pony ever listened for long enough to ever hear the actual answer.
