Get Off, You High Horse

by Trials

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Random, Adventure
Length: 4141

Sugar cubes—the most notorious drug in all of Equestria. Many have paid a pretty penny to taste its sugary goodness, none more so than Rainbow Dash. After finding herself craving more sugar, she goes and gets some.

Sugar cubes—the most notorious drug in all of Equestria. Many have paid a pretty penny to taste its sugary goodness, none more so than Rainbow Dash. After finding herself craving more sugar, she goes and gets some. Little does she know, Dash is about to embark on an adventure she'll never forget.

Proofread by the almighty Fluttrick.

In honour of Dash, my waifu forevermore.

Published 2013-09-03 23:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-03 23:30:02 UTC

Jelly Beans and Glaziers

Get Off, You High Horse

Rainbow Dash woke with a gasp. A glance around confirmed what she already knew; the day was young. Darkness filled the room, and silence surrounded her. She yawned before whipping the blankets off her body. Jumping out, she shivered as she was subjected to the cold air outside her bed. It was too early, and way too cold. Dash grabbed the small pouch on the side of the table.

With a deep sigh, she stumbled over to the mirror. She looked at her slumped reflection, instantly noticing how disheveled and untidy her mane looked. Her eyelids were fluttering open, struggling to stay awake with so little rest, and a small trail of saliva leaked out the corner of her mouth. In other words, she couldn’t have looked better. She turned the tap on, splashed a small amount of water into her face before returning her stare to the mirror. Dash looked exactly the same, but slightly wetter.

Grumbling, she sauntered over to the door. With a lazy heave, she yanked it open. It was still dark outside, but the sun was peeking through the black clouds. She sighed again, closing the door behind her before simply falling off the edge of the cloud. The wind ruffled her hair and feathers as she descended.

Something was missing. It was as if she woke up without her wings, but something less obvious. Dash felt it in her bones, almost like a drop in energy and effort. She had noticed a few days before, and had made the necessary appointments, but that was all she could do. She growled. Her contact refused to… do business in the middle of the day. It made sense, seeing as no one would be up so early, but her exhausted mind disagreed.

Eventually, just before she hit the ground, she opened her wings, gliding over the trees that would’ve otherwise impaled her. Ponyville wasn’t far away, so neither was her contact. The wind rushing into her face still didn’t energise her, and she felt her wings drooping as they flapped. With a sigh, she noticed herself slowly descending against her will. Dash just needed a boost of energy. She needed her fix, and she didn’t care how much she had to pay.

Ponyville appeared below her. She glanced downwards, attempting to find the meeting place. It took her some time, most likely because of her severely fatigued mind, but she found the alleyway. Dash tilted her wings down for a moment before tilting them up. Stupid wings. Her brain simply wasn’t cooperating with her body, no matter how much she willed it to. Once she was descending in the correct fashion, she checked the pouch in her hoof.

Seven… eight… eight… ten, she counted in her head. Perfect.

Dash touched down on the cold ground without so much as a tap. At least she got her entrance right. Bags of rubbish and broken furniture surrounded her, but she didn’t care. She was only there for one thing, not to fuss about the decoration of her contact's meeting place. She folded her wings up, and shook the bag. The sound of the metal clinking echoed down the alleyway. Nothing. Just to be sure, she shook it again. Something moved in the corner of her eye.

“Sounds like music to my ears!” a stallion exclaimed, jumping out a dumpster. He brushed the litter off his body and flashed a toothy smile. Dash tried not to stare at the lack of a mane atop his head, but her eyes eventually slipped to the shiny baldness in all its glory. “Nice to see you again, toots!”

“You got the stuff, White?” Dash asked coldly. After all, it was an exchange, not a conversation.

“Depends,” he said, stroking the overgrown bristle on his chin. “How many bits you got there?”

“Enough,” Dash said. “Nine… no, ten.” She yawned involuntarily.

“Am I keeping you up, Dashie? Too early for you?” He put on a mock frown. “Aw, I’m so sorry! Next time, we’ll do this after you have a good naptime, okay?”

“Knock it off!” Dash yelled, pushing him away.

White pouted. “That hurt, Dashie! Why do you have to be so mean?”

“Don’t call me that!”

The stallion paused. “Dashie?” He repeated, dropping the stupid voice. Rainbow remained silent, staring him down. “You don’t like me calling you Dashie?”

“No, and I never have,” she said, throwing the pouch towards him. White raised his hoof, plucking the bag from the air. “Now, give me the stuff.”

“Whatever you say, princess,” he muttered under his breath, diving into his pockets. “Stuck-up cow.”

“What was that?” Dash asked, her face inches away from his in mere milliseconds.

“I was just commenting on how lovely you truly are, and what a pleasure it is, might I add, to see your angelic face in my humble abode once more. Especially up close,” White quickly added, backing away.

“Drop the sarcasm,” she said with a roll of her eyes.

“Drop the attitude!” White replied. Dash felt like arguing, but it was simply too early for her mind to retaliate. Instead, she merely glared at him. Very threatening, she realised. With a cheer, his hoof finally came across the plastic bag. “Here, take it! Get out of here before you start stinkin’ up the place!” He threw the bag into her hooves. Dash raised it above her head before shaking it. She could see the two cubes of white bouncing around through the transparent plastic.

“Sounds good to me,” Dash admitted. “Like I’d stay around here—”

“Put your hooves in the air, both of you!” shouted a rather angry voice. Dash looked up to find a spear mere inches away from her face. Behind it was an armour-clad stallion, his coat the purest of whites. His body betrayed his words, as Dash could see him shake slightly. Perhaps it was the cold.

“Mine already are,” she pointed out, shaking the bag in the air once more.

“Right… right, and now you!” the guard ordered, pointing the spear to White.

“First day on the job?” White asked, pushing the tip of the weapon out of his face. “You look quite young, son. No scars, no broken feathers and no missing limbs. It’s a start, I guess.”

The young guard returned the spear to White’s face. “Shut up! Put your hooves in the air!” he commanded, his face going slightly red.

White sighed, doing as told. “Well, what now? We’ve got our hooves in the air.”

“You don’t think I can handle some sugar scum?” the guard spat, moving the spear closer to the stallion’s throat. “I’ve heard of ponies like you. Can’t get up in the morning without any sugar, can you? Just a bunch of lazy lowlifes…”

“It’s pretty early, isn’t it?” Dash asked, her tone mocking.

“Shut up!”

“What are you doing, anyway? Arresting us? Just one of you and two of us?” Dash grinned. “Try it.”

Dash could see the guard’s eyes shift from White and then back to her. She could’ve sworn a bead of sweat fell down his cheek. “Guards, to me!” he yelled. As quick as a flash, Dash jumped into the air, flapping to get the extra elevation. The flying guard could only gasp before she kicked the spear from his hooves. It fell uselessly to the ground with a clang. Another kick to his armour gave her the boost she needed to rise from the alleyway.

She tightened her grip on the bag as she soared into the sky. With no actual idea of a destination, she simply decided to keep flying. “Damn,” Dash mumbled, mentally berating herself. She heard a grunt from behind. It seemed as if the young guard was trying to catch her, even without the spear. “Really?” she shouted over the wind. “I’m the fastest flier in Equestria! Do you really think you can catch me?” Her gaze fell across the pursuing mob of guards behind him.

He grinned. “Maybe not me, but one of us will. Definitely.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Dash said, rolling her eyes. “Catch!” She threw the plastic bag into the air. The guard’s eyes went wide as they tracked it. He broke formation, chasing the evidence as it fell. Reaching out with a hoof, he grabbed it in mid-air. He laughed in happiness, opening the top to find… no cubes. It was empty. The guard turned it upside down and shook it, making sure the sugar cubes hadn’t gotten stuck on the sides, but to no avail.

He growled, throwing away the bag in frustration. The suspect was far away now. “So much for that promotion…” he muttered, beginning to fly off once more.

Dash chuckled as the sugar cubes began to warm up in her hoof. She looked behind, frowning at the mass of guards behind her. There were too many. Even if she did outrun them, they knew who she was. They would eventually find her. How exactly could you hide as the Element of Loyalty? Dash eyed the cubes in her hoof, her mind racing. White had explicitly told her not to have both at the same time ages ago, but there was no other choice.

“Getting high would definitely solve this,” Dash said, sighing. Besides, she was getting rid of the evidence. If she could escape to let her body hide the signs of drugs over time, at least she wouldn’t get done for consumption. That was the only reason behind the thought, of course. No ulterior motive. It wasn’t like she would do it to get high.

With a gulp, Dash threw the sugar cubes into her mouth. They dissolved immediately, the strong sweetness overwhelming her taste buds. She struggled keeping her mouth closed, as she feared it would somehow dampen the effect, but the flavour in her mouth was overpowering. After all, she had paid a lot of money for them; it didn’t make sense to waste it. She swallowed the sugary liquid forming in her mouth, finally parting her lips to breathe.

The effects didn’t happen immediately, just like White had mentioned, but Dash wasn’t exactly trying to kill time. Even with the horde of ponies now following her, she could keep them far behind her. “Stop!” they would shout, panting as they struggled to stay on her. “Stop in the name of the law!” They wouldn’t receive any other response than her accelerating even faster. Dash sped through cloud after cloud, her tongue sticking out her mouth.

“Like you’ll ever catch me!” she exclaimed as she turned to face the… the flying jelly beans? She blinked, but the jelly beans remained jelly beans. The guards had disappeared, leaving an assortment of multicoloured beans of sugar behind, presumably with their very own distinctive flavour. She licked her lips, her eyes coming across a pink one. Strawberry was always her favourite. Without a moment’s hesitation, Dash turned and charged straight at the army of beans, screeching at the top of her voice as she went.

“Stop, Rainbow Dash!” the guard cried, his head beginning to feel dizzy. “We have you surrounded! There’s nowhere you can… What?” he said, his nose wrinkling. He could only frown as Dash made a beeline for him. The guard moved to the right, but she followed him. He moved up slightly, and she mirrored his movement exactly. Gulping, the rookie had no idea of what to do. They had been chasing her only moments prior, and now she was flying straight into their open hooves.

Worse yet, she was smiling so gleefully.

As Dash grew ever closer, he began to worry. The guards around him started to back away, horror written over their faces. A couple of them gasped and broke formation. “Uh, guys?” he called, turning left and right. “W-what is she doing?” Once he turned around, she was barely a metre away. The rookie cried out in horror, trying to flee from his attacker. “Oh, Celestia! Oh, manure! Help me! Help me!” he bellowed as she gave chase. His mouth fell open in shock. The rookie tried to fly as fast as he could, but he was quickly running out of stamina.

Eventually, he felt a pair of strong hooves wrap around his body. His wings flapped desperately, but it was no use; he could only move his legs uselessly under her control. Shaking uncontrollably, his eyes fell upon Dash’s face. He saw an insane look in her eyes as she looked him up and down. She licked her lips, giggling almost silently. The rookie whimpered as her face grew closer to his.

Dash took a bite out of the jelly bean, ripping a piece off with her powerful teeth. The strawberry flavour filled her mouth, but she still wanted more. To her glee, the jelly bean was large enough to feed multiple ponies, much larger than herself. It wasn’t like she would share her favourite flavour, anyway. Chuckling, she ate another piece. Each chew sent a fruity burst coursing through her mouth. It was simply too good to stop.

Eventually, however, the army of jelly beans got rather fed up with their comrade being eaten alive. Their smiles were replaced with unhappy frowns, and they shouted all sorts of mean, hurtful things at her. It probably shouldn’t have surprised her—Dash was eating one of their fructose friends, after all—but the words cut deep. “Addict!” they shouted. “Criminal! Sugar-sucking psycho!” they screamed. They obviously knew of her fixation for sugar. With a shrug, Dash suddenly found herself not caring, and she decidedly continued munching into their mate.

A wooden spear with a jelly bean on the tip flew past her ear. Gasping, Dash could only believe the soft sweet was there for her impending impalement. It was a rather pointless attempt, but an attempt, nonetheless. Suddenly, more jelly spears flew overhead. They grew dangerously close, one almost grazing her leg. She was given no choice but to abandon her meal. With a groan and a final, fruit-flavoured bite, she flapped her wings, taking to the skies in escape.

More jelly spears failed to connect, flying right next to her. Dash sped up, using all the energy she had for her wings. The projectiles with protruding prongs propelled provokingly past, probably professionally probing, she proposed. Dash grinned. It made sense. As it turned out, reading a dictionary had been very useful for her voluptuous vocabulary and alluring alliteration.

Soon, silence fell around her, With a cautious look back, she found no beautiful beans behind her. Dash frowned, suddenly regretting retreating from her attackers. It was a shame she had to leave them behind, as she doubted she’d ever see them again. “No matter,” she said, wiping away a lone tear, “the adventure must go on!” She didn’t know why, but she kept flying. Dash didn’t care where she was going, only that she was.

A giggle escaped her lips. Her speed reached its peak and then some. She dove down, allowing gravity to speed her up even further. The wind blew into her face, forcing her eyes to weep involuntary tears, and sending her disheveled mane trailing behind her head like a shimmering rainbow. For no reason in particular, Dash began a sonic… no, a double sonic rainboom! She began a double sonic rainboom! That was more impressive than any run-of-the-mill, garden-variety sonic rainboom!

She could only pant and shiver in anticipation as she could see the light building up around her body, enveloping her in its harsh brightness. The ground was rushing up to meet her, but she didn’t plan on shaking hooves. She could hear a high-pitched tone whistle through her ears, and knew she was ready in an instant. With a maniacal laugh, Dash veered upwards, sending forth a spectrum of colours bursting through the sky. It threatened to tear hundreds upon hundreds of trees from their roots and into the sky, shaking the earth beneath her. Countless ponies were blown straight off their hooves, even from as far away as Canterlot.

On that day, everyone in Equestria experienced Dash’s extreme brilliance.

Though she was not on the ground, she could feel the impact on her skin. A wave of air rushed upwards, presumably bouncing back from the pressure she forced down to the surface. Of course, it had to go somewhere. As she continued flying faster than she’d ever gone before, the surge of energy carried her even faster through the clouds above. She screamed until her throat went raw, even when she couldn’t hear herself over the stupendous noise of the double sonic rainboom. The rainbow trail behind her magnified, sending volley after volley of colours spiraling through the sky to join with the circles already filling the air.

A palette of various hues and tints, the likes of which Dash doubted she’d ever see again, finally exploded with an almighty, ear-splitting crash. It shattered every single window within a couple of hundred square kilometres. Of course, this would proceed to make every Equestrian glazier rich beyond compare, thus inevitably bringing Equestria’s economy to its knees after leaving the majority of its money to gather dust in the wealthy, gold-lined pockets of the lucky glaziers.

It would have quite a paneful impact on Equestria’s grand history.

However, this did not concern Rainbow Dash, for she had transcended the need for money. In fact, she had transcended pretty much everything, including the ability to transcend everything. Dash had already recovered—or, more specifically, stopped screaming—from the double sonic rainboom. As the remnants of colour dissipated away, a new objective flashed in her mind.

Grinning contentedly, she simply stopped flapping her wings until she was in free fall. Time sped by as she fell, obviously because her extremeness was faster than time. Birds froze in the air as she descended, and the trees below stopped swaying in the breeze. For a fraction of a second, Dash could’ve sworn she saw several rays of light travelling by. She shook her head, coming to her sense. Canterlot was within sight, meaning her victory was nearing. She could almost taste it.

At the last moment, she pulled up with a confident laugh. Dash touched down on the balcony of Canterlot Palace. “Celestia!” she shouted, her voice as loud as a thunderclap. “I challenge you to a duel!” She stomped into the room, her eyes wild. Her pace slowed, surveying the room carefully. Even Rainbow Dash—amazing as she was—would have trouble with the ruler of Equestria. “Where are you?”

“Right here,” said the response. Something hit the side of Dash’s face with a crunch. It was simply too fast for Dash to realise what it was. She fell with a cry, clutching at her cheek as Celestia appeared from around the corner. “Did you really think I’d just let you walk in here?” she asked, pacing from left to right. Smiling deviously, Celestia flexed her gold-clad hoof. “My, my, you have a thick skull.”

“I’m surprised it didn’t break your hoof,” Dash quipped, spitting blood onto the red, luxurious carpets.

“No…” Celestia said, frowning. “That’s not what I… Oh, never mind.” The princess stood over Dash, her hoof mere inches away from her head. “You have already been defeated, Rainbow Dash. I wonder what we’ll put on your gravestone…” she contemplated, putting more force down on Dash’s face. She could only grunt in denial. “Not with a bang, but a slightly disappointing and overrated fart, perhaps?” Celestia laughed. “Oh, well, I suppose it’s time to end your misery.”

“But I’m not even miserable,” Dash replied, steely-eyed.

The princess rolled her eyes. “Is that your best comeback?”

“No, this is.”

“Again, that’s not very—”

In an instant, Dash grabbed the hoof above her face, cutting Celestia off mid-sentence. Holding it tight, she swung it around with the power of something extremely powerful. Celestia could only gulp before her entire body followed her leg. She span around Rainbow’s head, screaming louder with each rotation. Grunting, Dash arched her front hooves, throwing the ex-ruler of Equestria across the room. She landed with the elegance of a butterfly that had drunk far too much nectar beer.

With a groan, Celestia raised her head to see Dash simply pointing at her. At this point, Rainbow Dash’s greatness levels were off the charts. The greatness, with simply nowhere else to go, leaked from her body in the form of pure energy. She could feel it running through her body, making a strange smile appear on her face. A simple point told the energy exactly where to go.

Without so much as a whimper, Celestia disappeared. There was no poof of magic, nor an elaborate light display; she simply vanished from sight. Princess Celestia was no more.

Dash punched the air. She walked out to the balcony once more. “Victory!” she shouted, her voice reaching the entirety of Canterlot. They could only tremble before her powerful words. “I now declare myself as the Emperor of… Dashland!” Dash announced, materialising a magic crown with the power of her intensity. She placed it upon her head, laughing maniacally as her eyes fell upon her quivering subjects. “All shall bow before me! All bow before the Almighty Rainbow Dash, Connoisseur of Jelly Beans! All bow!”

From that point onwards, Dashland became a very prosperous place. The glaziers became extremely wealthy, making all their money from the double sonic rainboom incident as the rest of the economy suffered greatly. However, after a Glazier Convention unfortunately set fire with all the exits mysteriously blocked and every glazier coincidentally inside, the money was quickly returned to the system once more. An inquiry was never made.

Rainbow Dash was the greatest ruler Dashland ever had. She was also the worst, considering she was the only ruler, but, rather tactfully, no one reminded her of that statistic. Strangely enough, all the other members of opposition had been sent free tickets to the Glazier Convention. In their final days, as Dash had informed the grieving public, they’d become great fans of windows. This, in turn, had ultimately and non-coincidentally brought about their demise.

“Shut up in there!” a gruff voice shouted, pounding on something metallic.

Rainbow Dash awoke, her head spinning and her eyes groggy. She groaned into the wet tiles under her face. “Wha?” she asked, tilting her head. A guard stood above her, separated by several bars of metal.

“I said, shut up! You keep spouting nonsense about… Dashland,” the guard said, chuckling. “Ever heard of hubris, kid?” he added quickly.

“No,” Dash said bluntly. She grunted. “Where am I?”

“Where do you think?” the stallion asked, looking around the room. “I mean… bars in between us. A lovely smell in the air. A dark, damp cell. The keyword being ‘cell’. Can you tell me?”

“Prison?”

“Oh, very good, Rainbow Dash!” the guard exclaimed, clapping his hooves together. “What are we doing in this… prison, Rainbow Dash?”

“Knock it off. What are you in for?” Dash asked, her sight becoming clearer by the second.

Any remnant of a smile left on the guard’s face was quickly replaced with a frown. “You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you?”

“Shut up,” she ordered passively. “You going to tell me or not?”

The guard narrowed his eyes. “Well, you’re in here for consumption of two sugar cubes, as well as trying to bite my face off. Whichever is more important to you. I’m here because I have to guard your bony arse for the rest of the day.”

Dash’s eyes went wide. “I tried to eat you?”

“At least you’ve got your priorities straight…” he mumbled under his breath. “Yes, you did. You were shouting about how strawberry was your favourite flavour. Sound familiar?”

She paused, wrinkling her nose. “But I hate strawberry.”

“Forget what I said about priorities,” the guard said, slapping a hoof to his face. “Anyway, I’m glad you did. After all, I got a promotion for taking you down.” For the first time, Dash looked at the guard beside her. She had to admit, he did look familiar. “As it turns out, I was the one to catch you!” the rookie exclaimed, smiling happily. It was him. The one who discovered her first in the morning. “You want to hear about what you did when you were high?” he asked eagerly.

“No, not really…”

“Well, I’m going to tell you, anyway!” the rookie cried, sitting down on the chair behind him. “When I had you arrested and under control, you wouldn’t stop talking about a… double sonic rainboom. And how some glaziers got extremely rich, who then all became victims of a fire. You have some problems, you know that? After that, you—”

“Make it stop,” Dash whispered. “Please, make it stop…”