[SAVVY]
I sighed.
“Chrysalis, tell me again. What did you do wrong.”
The Changeling Queen sighed, swiss cheese hooves going up to her face. “Ah monologued.”
I grimaced. Oh the mistakes villains made all the time. “Never monologue. Monologuing is bad for your health and continued existence as a villain or overlord.”
I turned to Nightmare Moon. Her glowy star mane was not very glowy, and most of her armor was off. Discord and Sombra were ogling her, I noticed. “What did you do wrong.”
The Mare In The Moon sighed. “I monologued.” Damn. Villains always monologued.
“Like I said with Chrysalis, don’t monologue. Plus, you had the opportunity to outright kill the Bearers whenever you wanted to.”
Moonie looked mortified at that. “B-but...” Ah, right. A PG villain. Might as well snap some sense into her.
“No buts. You’re a villain. Villains are supposed to be competent. You were incompetent. Learn from ye mistakes.”
My gaze traveled towards Discord.
“Monologuing and procrastination,” he stated.
I shrugged. “Should’ve been more punctual,” I said.
Finally, I settled on Sombra. “You were pretty well prepared, I’ll give you that. You just need to be more prepared.”
“Warrrghhh-abblalblah.” He coughed. “Sorry, dental stuff,” he said, Spanish accent highly apparent.
“‘Salright.” I turned back to the four of them and clapped my hands together. “Anyhow, you all have a lot to learn. Namely, about being evil.”
Discord raised his hand. I pointed to him.
“But I never wanted to be evil!”
“Too bad, you’re evil for the purposes of my presentation.”
He looked down, very sad at that. Then he put a sombrero on Sombra.
“That’s petty evil. Go microwave some babies if you want to be evil.” I put a finger to my chin. “On second thought, be like Microsoft and announce that you were still keeping those crap DRM policies. Or be like Valve when it comes to releasing games on time. Or Jagex for making Runescape turn into Ruinedscape. Or that Romney guy. He’s pretty evil. Doesn’t let women get abortions.”
Discord snapped his fingers. “Fiddlesticks. A pro-lifer.”
“Now be quiet, or I nuke you. With a microwave.”
He literally zipped his mouth. I nodded, then looked at the other three. “Now, what were the exact circumstances that you were defeated in? Chrysalis, you go first.”
She sighed. “Really?” I nodded. “Alright.” She put on her Queenly voice, different from the Southern accent she usually had. “So, I was just trying to feed my family, when I had this brilliant plan. Ponies are lovey dovey, why not use them for food? Long story short, I was just about to seize victory for the Changeling Federation when Shining Armor and his fiancée used the power of love to toss me out of the land. The end”
I nodded. “Diplomacy, then nukes.”
Chrysalis nodded. “I’ll try diplomacy, but I don’t think I have any nukes.”
I pointed to Nightie. “You?”
“You already know the thousand year story. I was just getting a milkshake from Burger King when my phone went off. I’m thinking ‘oh no what could it be’, and then I see it’s that the Element Bearers have gotten to the castle. I facehoof, then go over to give them a stern talking to. Next thing you know, RAINBOW NUKE!” The last two words were punctuated by rainbows. Lots of rainbows.
I clapped my hands. “Wonderful effects, Moonmare.”
“Discord, we know what you did. Monologued, procrastinated. Sombra, you just need to think things through a bit more. Otherwise, you’re fine.
“Wublurhg?” Cough. “Really?”
“Yup.” I snapped my fingers. “Three things you all need to know is that the first stage of your plan never fails, the second is that you should kill the hero whenever possible, and the third is to read the Evil Overlord List.” The rest of them looked at me oddly. “Internet.”
I snatched it out of his claws then threw it to the side. “So, do you want to see pragmatism at work?”
They nodded.
“Do you want to see fighting dirty?”
Everyone nodded vigorously.
“Do you want to see what a real villain does?”
If they nodded anymore their heads would fly off.
“Alright, just follow me!” I clapped my hands, and a door appeared. Next to it was a barrel of dynamite and a flare gun. I opened the door and looked through. What greeted me was not a library inside a tree. I pulled my head out, closed the door, opened it, then looked back in.
Ah, here we were. Library inside of a tree with a lot of books in it, along with six ponies.
Wait, seven. There was a red and black alicorn OC that everyone was clamoring over. Might as well put them out of their misery.
I rolled the dynamite through the door, right up until it bumped into the butter yellow one. Said butter yellow one then passed out, because she was shy as really gay people during the crusades. After that, I aimed the flare gun at the barrel of dynamite, pulled the trigger, then slammed the door.
“Is that all?” Discord asked, hand hanging in the air with a finger bent and a confused face.
“Yup. That’s all. You can be evil now.” I dusted my hands off, replaced the flare gun, then locked the now comically charred door. Discord, Chrysalis, and Dark!Luna were leaving. I started packing up the villain-o-meter, along with everything else, when Sombra tapped me on the shoulder.
“Yes?”
“Would the creepers in Minecraft be villains?”
I paused. This guy played Minecraft? Cool. “Why are you asking?”
“They blow up all my stairs.”
Oh. “Well, sucks for you. That makes them a villain. You’re a villain, so kill them because they mess with you.”
I resumed packing up. Then another tap at my shoulder. “One last question...”
“Yes?”
“That demonstration...” Sombra pulled out a pair of sunglasses. I facepalmed.
“Had explosive results.”