The Coltbert Report: Truthiness is Magic
Stephen Coltbert sat at his giant “C”-shaped desk in The Coltbert Report studio in Manehattan. The desk had a central, circular magical crystal screen that displayed a rotating "C". The studio was decorated blue and white, the colors of the Equestrian flag. The magical crystal podiums behind him were also blue and white with white stars. The studio was decorated with the trinkets Stephen had accumulated over the years. One of them was Captain Equestria’s shield on a wall to the right of him. Stephen was a dashing earth pony stallion with a blue coat and a wavy black mane. His cutie mark was a blue horseshoe covered with white stars, just like the Equestrian flag. The horseshoe was turned on its side though so it looked a lot like the letter “C” in his name. His glasses gave him an air of gravitas. He always wore a suit so immaculately tailored it put Rarity to shame. He always wore a tie of course, a completely different one for each show. This time he wore a dark blue suit, a white shirt, and a blue and white striped tie. Around his right fetlock was of course his Hoofstrong bracelet. His Hoofstrong bracelet commemorated the time he broke his fetlock when he fell while running around his desk.
As the show started, Stephen looked in some direction, pointing his right hoof ahead of him. The caption read “Element of Disharmony”.
“Tonight!” Stephen cried. “Has Discord really been reformed? I say you can’t reform anything that’s been made of stone unless you break it first.”
Stephen turned and faced a different direction. The caption changed to “Great and Powerful?”.
“Next, is Trixie up to her old tricks? Stephen doesn’t trust ponies who talk in the third person.”
Stephen turned again and faced another direction. The caption changed once more and now read “In Twilight Sparkle We Trust”.
“Then, I sit down with Equestria’s newest princess Twilight Sparkle. I wonder what book she read to prepare for this interview.”
Stephen turned again and faced yet another direction.
“Princess Celestia raises the sun every morning. I’m going to raise something even more important,” Stephen pointed his hoof ahead again, “the truth. This is The Coltbert Report!”
The Coltbert Report’s opening sequence began. A majestic phoenix flew against a background of blue and white. The fiery bird dove and the shadow behind suddenly revealed Stephen standing with his forelegs wide open surrounded by a spiral of words, like “Honesty”, “Generosity”, “Loyalty”, “Kindness”, and “Laughter”. Then, Stephen galloped through a field of more words, like “Cupcakes”, “Party”, and “Fun”. He grabbed an Equestrian flag on a flagpole and pole vaulted over the words “Truthiness is Magic”. Stephen fell through a tornado of words that flew by so fast they were illegible. He turned his head and looked forward with an expression of gravitas on his face. Stephen struck the ground and caused the Great Seal of Equestria to appear and then instantly grew into a great blue and white temple of Equestrian patriotism also decorated with the great “C” of Coltbert’s name. The view of this temple shifted to above it where it morphed into the show’s great blue and white logo.
The ColtbertReport
The phoenix suddenly returned and flew up in front of the logo. It screeched and burst into flame.
The scene returned to the studio and moved around in a circle. The camera focused on Stephen once more as he looked forward. The audience cheered and stomped their hooves in applause. Stephen spent a few minutes basking in their praise.
“Thank you, everypony!” Stephen called out.
The audience started chanting his name.
“Stephen! Stephen! Stephen!”
“Now, now.” Stephen waved his hooves before him. He tried to calm the crowd in mock humility. “No need for that, ponies.”
Once the crowd settled, Stephen began in earnest.
“Welcome to the show. How’s everypony doing tonight?” Stephen asked. The crowd roared once more. “You know, nation, it’s days like today here in Manehattan that make me think that life in Equestria in shimmers. Life in Equestria...” Stephen paused and stroked his chin with his hoof and thought of the right word. “Shines.” He spoke with conviction pointing forward with his hoof. “And I know for absolute certain that everything is certainly fine. Yes, everything is going to be just fine! And you know what else I know for certain. I know that every newsreel theater showing this newsreel show across our great magical nation is packed to the gills right now because the one, the only newest princess of Equestria Twilight Sparkle is here tonight!”
An image of Twilight Sparkle in her coronation dress with her wings open appeared to the left of Stephen. The crowd cheered once more.
“First filmed interview! And she chose to do it with me! I feel very special, nation. But then again, I always feel special. More on that later.”
Stephen turned to the right.
“Nation, Princess Celestia is our absolute, unimpeachable monarch. So, it’s not my place to question anything she does. But I have to question her decision in regards to Discord.”
An image of Discord appeared to the left of Stephen.
“A couple of months ago, Princess Celestia made it the mission of Equestria’s greatest champions the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony to reform Discord. Really, Celestia? You want to reform the maniacal Draconequus who ruled Equestria with an iron eagle claw.” Stephen looked briefly at the image of Discord. “Or lion paw... Or whatever. The Princess insists that she has use for Discord’s magic. What possible use could the Princess have for a magic based on chaos and disharmony? Now I maybe a simple earth pony, but I thought magic was supposed to be based on friendship and harmony. What is the Princess not telling us?” Stephen slammed his hooves on his desk and screamed at the top of his lungs. “What are you hiding from us Celestia?!”
Stephen calmed himself and continued.
“Anyway, the subject of Discord’s” - Stephen made air quotes with his hooves - “’reformation’ brings us to tonight’s Word.”
The blue “The Word” board appeared to the right of Stephen as the crowd cheered uproariously. The upper half of the globe of the wide, world of Equestria rotated at the bottom of said board behind a moving row of white stars. The words Keep Calm And Flutter On appeared on the board.
“Keep Calm and Flutter On,” Stephen said. “The Princess put one pony in particular in charge of this Discorded pet project. Element of Kindness Fluttershy!”
The words in “The Word” board were replaced by an image of Fluttershy. Stephen turned to the image.
“Why hello there,” Stephen spoke in a flirtatious manner. “Anypony tell you that you’d make a great model?”
The image in “The Word” board were replaced by the words Yes, Yes, They Have.
“I wouldn’t mind her being kind to me,” Stephen added flirtatiously.
The words Don’t Get Your Hopes Up replaced the previous words on the board.
Stephen turned forward and composed himself and began anew.
“Anyway, the Princess assures us that Fluttershy’s skills with all manner of creatures and her embodiment of the Element of Kindness made her perfectly suited to succeed in reforming this monster. If she’s so confident, why did she leave the Elements of Harmony with the now Princess Twilight?”
As A Plot Device For The Princess Coronation
“Either way, when whatever plans the Princess has for Discord finally go wrong, and I’m not saying that they will, but they will, Fluttershy is going to be the one to answer for it.”
If You Can Get Her To Even Answer
“But I’m not here to point hooves at anypony.”
Then Why Are You Here?
“I’m here to ask the tough questions. Can Discord really be trusted? The last time he was on the loose he set out to turn Ponyville into the chaos capital of the world.”
The Word board changed to an image of a chaotic Ponyville when Discord briefly took over.
“He tricked the Elements of Harmony into being the opposite of who they are.”
The Word board changed to an image of a Discorded Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rarity standing in Twilight’s library.
“And he made chocolate milk rain all over the place without a single dollop of whipped cream to go with it anywhere in sight.”
The Word board changed into an image of cotton candy cloud raining chocolate. Stephen raised his hoof.
“Not a single dollop! To go with the chocolate rain!”
Some Stay Dry But Stephen Feels The Pain
“What’s to keep him from doing any of that again?”
It’ll Be Fine As Long As He Remembers The Whipped Cream
“Is it this so called” - Stephen made air quotes - “‘friendship’ he now has with Fluttershy? Like friendship has some kind of power to change somepony.” Stephen raises his hooves in an exasperated manner. “As if friendship were, I don’t know, magic.”
Friendship=Magic?
“I mean he was turned into a statue for a reason. I say he needs to stay that way. Why did you want to do this Princess? Were tired of seeing his ugly face in your precious statue garden?”
The Word board changed to an image of the face of Discord’s statue after his defeat by the Mane Six.
“If the Princess doesn’t want to keep him in her statue garden. We can keep him in my statue garden. That’s where I keep all my petrified mortal enemies.”
It’s Also Where He Keeps Bill O’Reinlly’s Microwave
“Instead, Discord is walking free on some shallow promise to use his powers for good” - Stephen does air quotes again - “‘most of the time’. What does that even mean? Who can tell me what that means?”
Sweetie Belle?
“This will never work! This is a disaster! How will we ever control him?! We are doomed! Yet, the Princess just wants us to think that there’s nothing to worry about. She says she definitely senses a big change in Discord. She insists that we should all just Keep Calm and Flutter On.”
Keep Calm and Flutter On
“And that’s The Word. We’ll be right back.”
The show cut to a commercial break.
The audience cheered as the show resumed after its commercial break. The camera zoomed in on Stephen as he faced forward at his desk.
“Welcome back everypony! Nation, with Princess Twilight Sparkle here, I know for absolute certain that everything is certainly--oh my Celestia! What is that?! This is the ThreatDown!”
The “ThreatDown” cinematic played with its flashing lights and sirens, number countdown on the bottom, and map of the wide world of Equestria in the background. The scene subsequently returned to Stephen with the ThreatDown logo to the right of him. The ThreatDown logo was then replaced by an image of Octavia the cellist and Vinyl Scratch the DJ.
“Nation, you know that Octavia and Vinyl Scratch are friends of the show. As you all know, Vinyl has been touring Equestria alongside Octavia and her en-sem-bleh.” Stephen meant the word ensemble. “They kicked off their tour with an interview and performance here on the Report a few months back where I asked them about the one thing about them that’s on everypony’s minds.”
A clip from Stephen’s interview with Vinyl and Octavia was played. The date in the corner declared that it originally aired July 30, 1003. As in all his interviews with musical guests, the interview area was darkened and the table removed. Stephen was sitting across from Vinyl and Octavia, and they all were sitting on stools.
“So you guys a pretty close?” asked the past Stephen.
“Known each other since our university days,” Vinyl answered.
“Yes, we are quite close,” Octavia added.
“So you guys are really, really close,” Stephen continued.
“You can say that,” Vinyl replied while smirking.
“So are you guys then...” Stephen trailed off and just looked at them knowingly.
Vinyl started laughing quietly, but Octavia just looked back at Stephen clearly confused.
“I’m sorry. I don’t quite know what you mean,” Octavia stated.
“Are you guys..?” Stephen clopped his hooves together twice.
Vinyl started laughing uproariously. Octavia just continued to look confused.
“What?” Octavia asked, her confusion slowly becoming shock.
“You know.” Stephen clopped his hooves together yet again.
Vinyl finally calmed herself.
“No, dude.” Vinyl put her foreleg around Octavia and pulled her close. “We’re just really good friends.”
Vinyl started laughing quietly again. A look of realization appeared on Octavia’s face and then she began to laugh nervously.
The clip ended, and the scene returned to Stephen with the ThreatDown logo to the right of him.
“Yes, that was the official line back then. However,” Stephen reached under his desk and pulled out a newspaper. “According to the Foal Free Press, Equestria’s premier source for news, Octavia and Vinyl closed their tour with a very special announcement.”
The scene changed to a close-up of an article in the Foal Free Press announcing that Octavia and Vinyl would be becoming roommates.
“That’s right folks,” Stephen’s voice over added. “Octavia and Vinyl are moving in with each other!”
The scene returned to Stephen with the ThreatDown logo to the right of him.
“And everypony knows what that means.”
The ThreatDown logo to the right of Stephen was replaced a rotating number three.
“Which brings me to Threat Number Three: Secret Filly-Foolers!”
The rotating three changed into a picture of Rainbow Dash with the caption “Secret Filly-Foolers!”.
“No matter what Octavia and Vinyl insist, there is no way two fillies can be friends and just live with each other. They have to be...” Stephen clopped his hooves together. “Come on, Octavia and Vinyl. Why don’t you come out of the stable already? You fillies are fooling no pony.”
Threat Number Three changed into a picture of the Great and Powerful Trixie.
“Next up, we have traveling magician and LARPing enthusiast the Great and Powerful Trixie. Everypony knows how a few years back, Trixie was royally shown up by our newest princess Twilight Sparkle. Well, a few months back she came back for a second round. You see, Trixie got her hooves on an ancient arcane artifact called the Alicorn Amulet.”
The previous image was then replaced by an image of the Alicorn Amulet from a book.
“This Alicorn Amulet was so powerful that Trixie was able to defeat Twilight Sparkle in magical combat! She had so much power she was even going to try to do the unthinkable and overthrow the Princesses and take over Equestria! Now, allegedly, Trixie’s behavior has been written off as the effects of the Alicorn Amulet, but I’m not too sure, nation. How are we certain that Trixie won’t be up to no good in the future?”
The image of the Alicorn Amulet was replaced by a rotating Number Two.
“Which brings me to Threat Number Two: Vindictive Unicorns!”
The rotating Number Two was replaced by a picture of a cloaked and red-eyed Trixie under the influence of the Alicorn Amulet with the caption “Vindictive Unicorns!”
“This whole incident was brought about because Trixie wanted revenge on Twilight Sparkle, not because of the Alicorn Amulet. Who knows what Trixie is up to right now? Possibly plotting her next appearance in Ponyville to do only Celestia knows what. She’s already done the unthinkable, and I don’t mean plotting to overthrow the Princesses and taking over Equestria. There is one thing even more unthinkable.”
Threat Number Two then became an image of a rotating Number One
“And that brings me to the Number One Threat against Equestria: URSAS!
The rotating Number One was replaced by an short animated image of a growling ursa minor with the caption “Ursas!”.
“Yes, ursas! There’s no bigger threat to Equestria than these sunless, killing machines!”
Threat Number One was subsequently replaced by another image of Trixie in her trademark hat and cloak.
“And what did Trixie do around two and half years ago the last time she was in Ponyville? She brought an ursa down on them!”
The scene changed to a number of clips of Twilight putting the aforementioned ursa to sleep and sending it back to the Everfree Forest.
“It took the very Element of Magic herself to defeat it,” Stephen’s voice over added. “And that was a baby! An ursa minor.”
The scene returned to Stephen with Threat Number One once again to the right of him.
“Have any of you ever seen an full-grown ursa major!”
Threat Number One was then replaced by an image of a full grown mother ursa major with its ursa minor cub in its arms.
“Yeah!” Stephen added in shock. “I say it should be Twilight Sparkle’s first order of business as princess to eradicate these monsters from the face of Equestria! Before they tear off all the faces in Equestria. We’ll be right back.”
The show cut to a commercial break.
The audience cheered as the show resumed once more after its commercial break. The camera zoomed in on Stephen as he faced forward at his desk.
“Tonight’s guest is the Element of Magic. Let’s see if she can handle the Element of Truthiness. Please welcome Princess Twilight Sparkle!”
Stephen ran around the side of his desk and towards the section of the audience next to his interview area. Stephen proceeded to hoof-bump every pony in the first row. He then ran into the interview area and took his seat. The fake windows in the interview normally had an image of the Manehattan skyline. This time, in honor of their illustrious guest, they had an image of Canterlot. Behind Stephen above the fake fireplace with a magical screen playing a recording of fire was Stephen’s portrait. The portrait was notably of Stephen standing next to a portrait of himself. Over the years of the show, another Stephen was added adorned with the accolades and achievements of the previous year. Sitting atop the fireplace’s mantle were Stephen’s awards: his Peapony Awards and the golden Celly Awards. Now, sitting across the great round table that dominated the interview area of course was Princess Twilight Sparkle. She wore the crown of her office upon her head. Stephen shuffled his notecards as he prepared to begin.
“Princess Twilight…” Stephen began before Twilight cut him off.
“Twilight is fine,” Twilight replied.
“Okay then,” Stephen responded. “You can just call me ‘Stephen’ instead of The Reverend Sir Dr. Stephen T. Coltbert, D.F.A. It’s not like titles are important. Anyway, this is your first filmed interview since becoming a princess.” Twilight nodded. “Now, I certainly know why you’d choose my show over anypony else’s show. But let’s hear you explain it.” Twilight giggled.
“Well, I just want to say that I’ve been a fan of your show for years,” Twilight answered. “Back when I was a still a student at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, I’d go every week to the newsreel theatre and watch the latest episode of your show. When I got the invitation to come on your show, I just hopped around my room in the palace, crying” - she continued with barely contained excitement - “‘Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!” As soon as she finished the outburst, Twilight swiftly composed herself. “So, I really had to do your show first.” Stephen just stared back at her as deadpan as ever.
“Well, I’m glad to know that I have such a devoted fan among the royalty,” Stephen said.
“And I had such a crush on you growing up. I just had to meet you.” Twilight indicated her belly while laughing. “I have butterflies in my stomach right now.”
“Well those are fine as long as your wings don’t start popping up.” Stephen pointed a hoof at Twilight. “This is a family show!”
“Don’t worry. I got that under control,” Twilight answered slyly. After a short pause, she added, “Mostly.”
“Ever wake up in the morning with a little morning wing?” Stephen asked. Twilight looked back at him confused.
“I don’t know what that is.”
“Neither do I. I’m not a pegasus,” Stephen said. “Let’s get down to the brass tacks here. A lot of ponies were not happy with the whole” - Stephen made air quotes - “‘Princess Coronation’ thing. So, I just have to ask. Why did you decide to become a princess?”
“I didn’t decide to become a princess,” Twilight answered. “Becoming a princess was a part of fulfilling my destiny. I know that a lot of ponies weren’t happy with this. They’re afraid I’m going to change. They’re afraid I’m no longer the pony everypony has grown to know and love. That’s part of the reason I came on your show. I want to show everypony that I haven’t changed. I’m still that lovable, adorkable pony, all of Equestria has come to know. I may be a princess now, but I’m still the same old Twilight Sparkle. I still love books. I still love my friends. I still love your show. The only thing that’s changed is that I have wings. And I’m slightly taller. And I wear a crown sometimes. And I’m a princess, and I have all kinds of royal powers and duties. But other than that, I’m just like everypony else.”
“I hate to break it to you, but everypony else doesn’t get to come on my show,” Stephen noted. He flipped through his notecards and continued. “Moving on, your short time as princess hasn’t been without its slew of disasters.”
“Well, I wouldn’t say that,” Twilight began somewhat embarrassed. “You can say that I’ve had a few bumps in the road.”
“Your crown was stolen,” Stephen retorted. “One would think that a highly critical part of being a princess is having your crown on you. It’s a breach of proper princess protocol!” Twilight could not help but giggle at the stallion’s antics. Stephen continued. “Not only that, but your crown is your Element of Harmony! Without it, Equestria was defenseless!” Twilight just smiled and pointed at the top of her head.
“As you can see it, I got it back.”
“Speaking of getting it back,” Stephen went on. “You went on a very secretive mission to retrieve the crown. It’s top secret. Completely classified. Nopony is allowed to know anything about it.”
“Yes,” Twilight answered as she nodded.
“What can you tell us about it?”
Twilight guffawed at the silly question. Twilight looked at Stephen as a sly grin spread across her face.
“I’d tell you, but I’d have to kill you.”
“Can princesses really do that?” Stephen questioned.
“Do you really want to find out?” Twilight retorted. She was completely deadpan. Stephen looked at Twilight in silence for a moment. “Shall I take that as a no?”
“You can take that however you want,” Stephen answered. “And I look forward to finding else what else you can do as princess.” Stephen reached across the table and hoof-bumped Twilight. He turned to the audience. “Princess Twilight Sparkle everypony!” Stephen cried. The audience cheered, and Stephen turned once more to the camera. “We’ll be right back.”
The show cut to its final commercial break.
The audience cheered as the show resumed for the last time that night. The camera zoomed in on Stephen as he faced forward at his desk.
“That’s it for the Report, everypony. Goodnight.”
The camera zoomed out again as the show’s ending theme began.
The credits began to roll all while a majestic phoenix flew to the right of them.
