the scary door

by gluestick-thepony

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Alternate Universe, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3993

a series of really stupid stories narrated by pinkie pie

The scary door
A cavalcade of bad grammar and stupid puns

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In a scene filled with deep space and stars, as well as many odd objects dangling on string. Music begins to play as random objects begin to float in and out of nowhere.

A familiar voice from a pink party pony begins to narrate.
“Do not attempt to adjust your web browser, for we control the horizontal, and we control the virtical, as well as the mouse.

We are her to take you to a realm beyond sight, or sound. Where stupid parody and rewritten story challenge the definition in intelligence...

You are about to enter... THE SCARY DOOR.”

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Published 2013-10-25 17:40:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-27 17:20:51 UTC

Sombra's Crusade

The Scary Door
Sombra's crusade

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(As uninteresting as it sounds, the desire to add to one pitiable pony who's villain exploits taken lightly lead to drama. Les everyone’s favorite sextet of prismatic ponies provide piss poor premise, but why would this fanged villain find incentive to perform terrible tragedies to colorful crystal creatures of such lovely luster.)

Sombra was too slow, he watched helplessly as Cadance, despite the lack of rest was still a beautiful pink alicorn, and took the falling crystal heart from his grasp. Sombra stood still as she landed with a purple dragon in hoof. Next moment the gem is on the ground, as Cadenza points out the obvious.

“The crystal heart has returned, use the love and light within you to ensure that king Sombra does not.”
A loud voice is heard in the distance “You don't say!?”

Then the next moment he could not help but to chuckle at that initial response, but he was still engulfed in the energy from the crystal heart. He screamed in anger as the burning energy took hold and his body began to... mold!?

As the town settled down, there was a hum, as a vibrant light lead Twilight the purple unicorn down the hallway, she then laid eyes upon a dark blob underneath a red cape.

He sat up and made eye contact with the purple unicorn “what did you do to me!?”
Twilight sparkle was taken aback “S-S-S-S-Sombra!? You’re a foal and where is your cutie mark?”

Sombra looked just a year older that the Cutie Mark Crusaders, he looked at his flank, the emotional burn in his eyes was deep, and you could go swimming in the emotion that was once Sombra. Even though Sombra never lost his memory... he was still a foal. Twilight deduced that he always was a blank flank when a tear made its journey down the path of understanding ended in falling as it splattered on the floor below.

Twilight walked up to the now scared but defensive villain.
He ran away, Twilight Sparkle took off after him when he teleported away.

Sombra was upset but he celebrated his victorious escape while turning to run away, slamming himself into a wall right behind him, his vision faded as he analyzed the surroundings.

The other five friends were watching in surprise, but looked like multi colored blurs, as he passed out in the middle of the same throne room, and Twilight reentered the same room.

“Did he just teleport behind me then run into a wall knocking himself out?”
Everyone nodded...

The sound of hydraulics and shifting metal sounded aloud momentarily before the whistle of the horn bounced in the head of Sombra bringing him too. He looked around him, it was dark, he was also comfy but the ceiling was low and the four walls formed a space just big enough to sleep in...
“THEY BURIED ME ALIVE!” hollered the villain as he rolled out of the bed through the curtain and onto the floor of the sleeper car.

He blushed as he looked around realizing how silly his accusation was, it was only midnight and Sombra had to find out how he got there on the train in the first place. So he decided the only logical thing to do.

“Buck it, it can wait till tomorrow” he sighed as he decided to go back to bed.

A poufy maned pink pony peeked through her curtain to see him slowly climb back up on the top bunk, she giggled as he fell back down onto the floor.

“Woe is the small one who lacks method to such infuriating twinge as elevated bedding!”
He turned to Pinkie Pie as she pretended to sleep as if giggling at Sombra was 'not' to be offensive.

“YOU! Pastel Pink Pony! Why do you not place a ladder of means of elevation so the vertically challenge may not suffer the bane of being a small foal?”

Pinkie pie rolled out of her bed and trotted over to the tiny colt “do you need help getting back up there?” smiled pinkie pie.

Sombra just stared at her for a moment “why however could you have guessed that most miraculous of deductions, my perkiest of encounters?”

“Because you fell over silly and-” Pinkie pie was interrupted with a hoof over the mouth by Sombra.
“You can tell me tomorrow.” said Sombra as he let out a yawn as he was hoisted back onto his bunk.
A blissful moment passed, his mind was taken in a most delicate of embraces as he wondered off into the dreamscape-

“WAIT! Your literate?!” hollered a puzzled Pinkie Pie

“SHUT UP PINKIE!” hollered five other voices...

Dawn opened its clasped lid pouring rays to brighten the view for the eyes of the early rising workers to begin there day with amended clarity. The six friends stepped off with Sombra, hooded and foiled; Twilight Sparkle gestured to Applejack.

“Hey Applejack.”

“How can I help ya Twi?”

“Perhaps we could introduce Sombra to Applebloom.”

“Are you sure? He is still a villain after all.”

“Oh yes, don't worry, being talked to like I'm not there EFFECTS MY ABILITY TO UNDERSTAND YOU.” interrupted Sombra.

The other four ponies took off to continue their daily lives as AJ and Twilight sat and contemplated.

“Where will he be staying?” asked AJ

“I guess at the library, is that okay with you...”

“Where did that thar colt disappear to!?”

They look around as they ran back and forth.

“This is bad!” they said in unison.

Sombra used the shadows in the market stands to his advantage as he passed by everyone unnoticed picking food off the stands; he summoned a small red basket to hold it all in before passing by the apple stand.

He reached with his train of thought to snatch a ruby delectable to be severed by a small filly with a bow in her magenta mane accompanied by a yellow coat.

“What do ya'll think you're doin' kid?!”

The apple dropped to the ground once his focus was shifted “Les you want to be a misplaced maid forever sought by crying commoners I suggest you not play vigilante. I will TAKE that apple and not suffer the goody two hoofs who intervenes with my... food... stuffs... gathering...”

Next to Applebloom stood a behemoth of a stallion, big red and blonde, who placed the fallen apple back on the stand.
“So you think you can intimidate me with giant bruisers eh!?”

Applebloom tried to interject “no wait kid I-”
As she tried to speak Sombra sprinted past in between Big Mac's front legs... then a loud crack sounded as Mac tried not to wail in pain as he carefully lifted the small colt “I assure sure you I mean you no-”

“I NEED AN ADULT! I NEED AN ADULT!!” cried out Sombra as Big Mac panicked, dropping Sombra as everypony there looked to where the screaming was coming from Sombra was not careful and bounced his colt noggin off of the apple stand.

Everyone glared daggers at him.
“It's not what it looks like!” cried Big Mac.

Sombra laid in bed at the Golden oaks library, next to him, the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

A purple maned orange tomboy pegasus, and a white unicorn with a pink and lavender mane accompanied Applebloom. As the colt Sombra came to, Big Macintosh braced himself as Applejack and Twilight walked over to the bed. Sombra slowly crept out of the bed with a yawn, revealing his fangs to the crusaders.

“Those fangs are sooo cute!” blurted the white unicorn.
“They’re so awesome!” replied the orange pegasus.
Sombra blushed a little at the foresight for the abnormal facial features, Applebloom quickly pulled him over two the two small ponies.

“This is Scootaloo, and this is Sweetie Belle.” the three exited fillies took a gander at his flank.

“YOU HAVE NO CUTIE MARK!”

Sombra shrugged again and began to get upset before Applebloom got in his face.

“How would you like to join the Cutie Mark Crusaders!?”
Sombra was now dumbstruck.

“We like to crusade for our cutie marks!” said Scootaloo.
He then dawned a look of concern “Like meliorists?”
“Yah! Like eristics!” said sweetie belle.
“You do realize that a crusader is one who kills in the name of his beliefs, you're pretty much saying that you kill ponies for your cutie marks.”

All three crusaders gave that thousand yard stare, the collective puppy eyes overpowered the black colt.
“I guess a zealous adventurer is another definition for the word.”

Sweetie Belle began to smile “Like an avid voyager?”
“Affirmative, advocates for destiny, the directive that pushes the longing to great lengths, as the span of thoughts parceled out across many missions for a simple trivial pleasure. One that to the soul appears a requisite.”

Sweetie Belle replied “Yes! We traverse the land in this conviviality of life to find purpose for our being.”
“We're a club that helps blank flanks with their cutie marks.” said Applebloom.
“Like a consortium.” replied Sombra.

Scootaloo stood there with a confused look.
“Are you confused by big words?” said Sombra.
“What!? No! I'm just zoning out on those eyes.”

Twilight and Applejack who hath been watching over the four foals, careful to not let the colt out of his sight... and then they blinked... and they vanished.

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADER KICKING MAC IN THE SACK YAY!”
“NNOOOOOOOHOOOOHOOOHOOOOOPE!” Cried out Big Mac as he ran down the road crying and wailing.

The four foals halted, the three fillies pulled into in alley way dragging Sombra behind.
“Now that I’ve been liberated from the gazing eyes of my former foes.”

The four foals stopped to catch their breath. “That wasn't very nice kid.”

He turned his view to the heavens absorbing the shape of the cyan pegasus, the rainbow mane a conception to her name... Rainbow dash.

“Now Sombra, there is no reason to hide from us; but if the wrong pony recognizes you there could be trouble. I asked Scootaloo to keep a tab on you just in case.”

Scootaloo was taken aback by a menacing point and stair by Sombra.
“Oh come on Sombra, everybody knows you are a villain, and that you still retain the same memories of you actions from before.”

Sombra opened his mouth as if to speak, “OH NO! My mind has left my memories in the river of time to suffer lacking the goal of adding cause to my transgression of sin!”
“WHA!?” replied a dumbstruck Scootaloo, Rainbow Dash, and Applebloom.

“He lost his memory, so he no longer has a reason to be evil.” said Sweetie Belle.

“But the tides of action and effect still impact the minds via exploits not recalled by myself, should I don a new name in that case?”

Everyone still stood confused.

“He wants to know if he should change his name and pretend he never did the things he does not remember.” said Sweetie Belle.

“Must I relearn simpleton language so that I won't rely unintentionally on the marshmallow telephone service?”

“It might help.” Said Sweetie Belle

…

“You don't speculate your persona not only changed in age but development, meaning you bear the merit of youth and condition?” Asked Sweetie Belle.

Everyone stood there with the usual dumb look.

“The present lacks precedence to exhibit such an ad hominem matter, however will have to wait until we have the chronological quantity and seclusion.” replied Sombra.

The crusaders walked over to the small colt, Applebloom hugged him “I know a lot is going on... but we can help you, we can be friends and you can do great things.”
Sombra smiled and started to tear “I can't wait.”

It was a week later, the new Sombra, and Applebloom were sitting in the tree house; Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo were searching through several books, one was called the Kama Sutra.

Sweetie flipped through a few pages before stopping on one “okay, one thing that guy do is use fancy words to gain physical copulation from the intended mare.”
Scootaloo “Isn't that flirting?”
“Nope, seducing.”

Sombra looks over to the blushing Applebloom “sooooo, What’re ya'll wait'n fer?”
“My lady, pardon the silence for I lost my train of thought in those entrancing eyes” Sombra grabbed a hoof and kissed it, he looked up to the panting filly “In those eyes I visualize two lips, immigrants pilgrims on adventure to paradise, in hopes they meet in a passionate kiss. A kiss mating two souls in eternal euphoria.”

Applebloom was lost on his words as Sweetie Belle started to swoon.
Scootaloo tilted her head “sooo... Sombra and Applebloom are now dating?”
Then a though hit Sweetie Belle “Sombra is a toddler from thousands of years ago.”

Sweetie turned to the two lovebirds who were locked in a passionate kiss.
Sweetie Belle slapped her forehead “Scootaloo... get the hose...”

(It's Guinness world record time, first ever Sombra Applebloom shipping. At least the repercussions weren't too catastrophic...)

Sitting on a couch was Applebloom, and Sombra; Big Macintosh was trotting in circles, clearly a nervous wreck. Applejack and Granny smith were crying.
Sombra began to speak when Applebloom interrupted “Sooo. We can't get married?”

Applejack turned to Applebloom “Do you like orphanages?”
Applebloom began to frown looking back to her rump which was merely a black rectangle, and Sombra looked away blushing in shames “one Millennium later and still no cutie mark.”

(I guess the idea of filly foalcon to perplexed pastel ponies has appeal, now if you excuse me I have to go save a writer from a cereal killing Applebloom.)

the invention of socks

The scary door
The invention of socks

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(The trivial role of comforters for feet made from cloth does not show much appeal, but how would it fair in a world without shoes. Today we speak of one Mare named Tail Cozy, and her exploits as the inventor of such fashionable leg vesture...)

“Cozy! Cozy!?” Hollered a white mare with a pink and purple mane, she walked down a well colored hallway searching for a certain someone. The halls are decked with ribbon and light decor. Her journey lead her to a dressing room; she opened it to find a pale blue mare with a long yet curled magenta mane asleep at the vanity mirror, the room was filled with clothing and exotic décor alike, the floor adorned with pedals and stems. The room was filled with sound from a stage right outside of the opposite door.

The white mare slammed a giant book down in front of the slumbering filly.
“Gyahhh!” suddenly the mare jolted out of the seat, she leaped to clinging to a chandelier; hanging there staring at her surprise visitor intently.
“Who dares disturb the all powerful wizard of-woah!” Cozy suddenly fell down with a loud thump. She hesitantly stood back up as the white mare stared daggers at her “you are late, the client wanted the corsages hours ago.”

The small horse blushed as she turned her attention to a black box in the corner “I'm afraid I had to improvise.”
The white mare rushed over and opened the black box, in it laid many tuxedo corsages, but instead of flowers they were bows. She turned her head back towards Cozy “where are the flowers!?”

“That bulimic 'Scarf and Barf' decided to feast on the flowers over some breakup.”
“You could not order some more?”
“Tis was only an hour ago, she is on stage now dancing for our guests” Cozy pointed through one of the doors revealing a stage in the distance.

As the Pink and blonde mare sung, a large rock came in out of nowhere knocking her out, ringing her head like a bell.

Back in the dressing room the white mare paced back and forth “I can't believe you fell asleep regardless of the job at hand, and you let her eat the flowers for the corsages. This happens way to often Cozy.” the white mare pointed menacingly at her “your fired!”
“But you can't fire me for some else’s actions.”
“She’s fired too.”
“But Sugarbelle called you fat-”
“She’s fired, Scarf is fired, and you're fired.”
“But you-”
“Fine I'm fired, Sugarbelle is fired, Scarf is fired, and...” her face became contort “I just fired myself.”

A week had passed, the pale blue mare pulled a very small cart into a town called Ponyville, she looked around to see it was busy she stopped in front of a building that could be none other than city hall. She had no idea where she was going to find an apartment in such a small town, funding was not a problem; it was finding a living space.

She searches through every paper she could find, but she was too tired to travel to another town, she sat on the steps of the city hall next to a pile of newspapers. Her mind was stuck on the idea of being mugged in a back alley by thugs while she sleeps.

Her Fame as a fashionista was brought to reality upon seeing a white unicorn mare rushing past her, her mane was blue and wavy. She suddenly made a 'B' line, Cozy and the white mare locked eyes for a moment.
“Have we met before?”
“Not in person, it's just... are you a model from Manehattan?”
“Yes... My name is Tail Cozy.”

A nearby stallion, red with a green mane, overheard the name and approached “Tail Cozy? Are you a pro? What are your rates-”
the stallion was interrupted by a hay maker from the white unicorn knocking him out, she paused for a moment before speaking again “My name is Rarity... what brings you to Ponyville?”
Cozy stood up from the steps “I was fired, somepony ate the Corsages.”

“Well I Can't let a filly just sleep in the streets; I have a spare room you can sleep in for a few days.”
Cozy let out a shy grin, she was a beautiful mare who never made it as a model, mainly because of the anxiety of have colts gawk at her pictures for arousal. She left the modeling career after posing in some of Rarities merchandise.

They left off toward a Boutique; it was white with a blue roof. They stopped in front of the door as Rarity spoke “welcome to my home, the Carousel boutique.”

In it were many mannequins and clothing supplies, rolls of fabric piled into a corner of the room. Cozy looked around to the sewing machines, and then to the desk smothered in papers. “This is nice” said Cozy before continuing onward.

Faint whirring noises attract the attention of a slumbering Rarity; Tentative to the cause of the sound, as she walked toward the boutique the noise grew louder as well as stamping noises. She peaked around the doorway, barely awake she realized Cozy was using the sewing machine.

Rarity walked up to her “what are you doing?”
Startled, Cozy turned to face Rarity “my hooves were cold so I am making sheaths to go with my nightgown... I call them socks.” she turned her attention back to her work before continuing to speak “I do not know why, but I figured I should just make up a word for them.”

Rarity was curious, two socks were completed, so she meekly grabbed one off of the sewing table, slowly she slid it on, it fit comfortably, she looked into a mirror, one of many on the walls, and then had an epiphany.

“Hey Cozy.”
“Yes Rarity?”
“Why haven’t you got this on patent? Billions would love to have pair or two.”
“You know what I never thought of that.”
“Then it's official! We start tomorrow.” Swiftly Rarity took off to bed, leaving Cozy to her devices.

(Over the course of two months the business boomed, socks were a nationwide phenomenon, they were worn with shoes, and worn for every occasion. The growing giant only had one factory however, owned by the designated sock designer Rarity who owned what is now the 'Carousel Company.')

It was a beautiful day on Cantorlot as a certain grayish blue pegasus with a magenta mane approached the throne with a present on her back.

“My dearest Princess, it is an honor to present you with this gift. Tis is but a humble token of friendship. May it warm your hearts and hooves this hearts warming eve.”
Carefully she laid the gift on the ground before the mighty god.

Slowly Celestia lifted the box; it was small and red, inside it were golden laced stockings.
Celestia looked into the box as she began to tear, she pulled out the socks.
“Tia has been presented with socks... Tia is free.”
Everyone on the room was taken aback “Wha?!”
Everyone in the room just stood in confusion as she slid them on “I was presented with socks. And now I am no longer cursed to live my life as a misunderstood princess who everyone thinks is a sexual deviant who is power mad.”

She got out of her throne and flew away “and now the sun is free to move on its own because I am no longer a goddess!”
she flew up to and hugged Cozy “oh thank you thank you!”

Former Princess Celestia halted in the center of the room “wait one moment...”
a loud thunderous rumble sounds out throughout the castle, everybody covered their noses as she flew away “you have no idea how long I have held that in. well I'm off to get laid!”
she was gone as quick as a flash.

Meanwhile back in Ponyville the purple unicorn princess Twilight sparkle is at her desk reading, she is interrupted when she notices four guards casually standing around her.
“Um... can I help you?”

One of the guards spoke up after a moment of uncomfortable silence “the princess Celestia retired and put you in charge."

The boutique was different, massive with many busy mares working on looms and sewing machines; on the highest floor was her office. Rarity sat at her desk; paper, cloth, and pencils, and empty energy drink cans and so on...

A faint knock is heard, it was Fluttershy here to place an order for socks, for they are so in season. The butter yellow mare was unable to get Rarities attention. She approached the white unicorn cautiously; Rarity muttered to herself while her hair stood on end.
”Umm... hello-”
“SOOOOOCKS!!” the white mare turned around with a manic expression, holding many failed sock prototypes, scaring the daylights out of Fluttershy.

Rarity calmed down upon seeing her scared yellow pegasai friend. Rarity placed the socks on the table before turning back to face Fluttershy.
“I am terribly sorry Fluttershy it's just this whole sock business had me running ragged, they want socks for everything... socks for wings, socks for horns, long socks, silk socks... I should not bother you with my problems it's just...”
Rarity sighed before staring distraught at the mess around her “if I have to make one more sock, I'll die.”

She gave a second glance to Fluttershy who became concerned “would you care to make me a hat then?”
“YES!” bellowed an exited Rarity as she turned to her table and began working...

Later on Fluttershy happily walked out of the office thinking to herself about how she defused the situation, but as she turned a corner Rainbow Dash flashed past her, and to her dismay she heard Rainbow Dash in an loud exited voice “Hey Rarity I need customized socks and lots of them!”

Her funeral was held seven days later...

(Looks like the supply and demand was to demanding for this white fashionista, my name is Pinkie Pie and this is the scary door... SEW you later.)