Unlikely Friends

by Craterfist

Rating: everyone
Tags: Adventure, Human, Dark, Comedy
Length: 4286

A self-insert HiE Fanfiction.

I have been sent to Equestria by some unknown means! What kind of armageddon can i stir up while I'm there? Read and find out!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-03-04 01:08:43 UTC

1. Rough Landing

A/N: MLP belongs to Hasbro. This is my HiE fic. This is a self-insert, so the character will be me. I will change the character’s name from my own, of course. I, obviously, am a brony. However, my character will have no prior knowledge of MLP.

Chapter 1

Another day, home from school. I stepped off the bus, grabbed the mail from the mailbox, and walked down my driveway to my front door. I’m an average thirteen-year old dude with dirty blonde hair and hazel eyes. But when I opened the door to step into the house, I instead walked off the edge into a deep black abyss. I fell, and kept falling for what seemed like an eternity. Screaming was pointless, so, I adjusted my backpack, pulled out my IPod from my pocket, and started listening to Land of Confusion by Disturbed. I slipped it back into my pocket, and took up a comfortable position, and tried to sleep while I fell through the blackness.

I woke up slowly. My IPod is set on song loop, so Disturbed still rang in my head. As feeling came back into my skin, I realized I was leaning against a tree in a grassy field. I also realized, to my annoyance, I was being poked repeatedly in the leg. I didn’t get up yet; I simply waited to see if I could hear if the person poking me said anything. My hand was already in my pocket with my IPod, so I paused the song.

I heard a high-pitched female voice say “What is it? What is it? Is it dead?”

No, but you will be if you don’t stop poking me.

“Fluttershy, what is it? Don’t you know all the animals in Equestria?”

Fluttershy? Equestria? Were the hell did I wake up?

I heard a small, timid voice, female as well say “Oh, um… I guess, but… I’ve never seen anything like it.”

The next voice had a southern drawl to it. “Well, whatever it is, can somepony tell me how the thing ended up on mah farm in the first place?”

Doesn’t she mean ‘someone’?

The next voice sounded like a British woman. “Well, whatever it is, it looks absolutely dreadful! Look at what it’s wearing!”

I was wearing my navy blue winter coat unzipped, with blue jeans and a black tee shirt that read ‘Aperture Laboratories’, from the Portal game series.

I don’t look that bad, do I?

I decided to risk it and open one eye. I was covered in twigs and dirt. I looked to my left and right, and saw rows of apple trees, an apple farm. I looked at who was speaking, and I almost screamed at what I saw. Ponies. Six colorful, talking ponies, two with horns, two with wings, one wearing a Stetson hat, that, fortunately for me, all had their backs turned to me at the moment. I calmed myself, and decided to invite them to interact with me. I got up slowly, yawning to get their attention. I pretended I didn’t notice them, and I looked down and realized I was napping in the sun. I brushed some dirt off, and sat back down on the shady side of the tree. I pulled out my IPod and played the Portal theme song, Still Alive. I started humming the tune, and hoped one of them would take the bait. I wanted to time my scare to freak out these painted show-ponies as much as possible.

After about a minute, the one with the Stetson hat walked in front of me. It lowered its head so it was at eye level with me. It waved its hoof in front of my face. The other five walked over as well. Now’s my chance. I held up my hand and caught her hoof. I pulled out one earbud and spoke in a calm, yet obviously annoyed tone.

“You do realize that is incredibly rude, and not an effective tool for first introductions?”

The pony’s eyes bulged, and she ripped her hoof out of my grasp and stumbled backwards. I stood up, and realized the ponies’ heads came up to my sternum, and I’m five feet seven inches tall. I crossed my arms, and looked over the six of them, and they all looked back with fear.

I grinned, and said “Wow. You should see the looks on your faces.”

That seemed to break some of the tension, and the pink one bounced (literally) up to me and grinned.

“Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie, what’s your name?  I know everypony in Ponyville! *GASP* I don’t know you, so you must be new-”

She was in my face at this point, standing on her back legs to be eye level with me, and I placed both hands on her shoulders and held her at arm’s length.

“Slow. Down. PLEASE.” I said.

I released her, and saw a black mound under a bush. I crouched down, and pulled out my backpack. I slung it on my shoulders, and I changed the song to Moves Like Jagger. I nodded my head to the beat, and walked back to the group of ponies.

Pinkie asked “Why are you nodding your head?”

I pulled out an earbud and held it up. “I’m listening to music.”

“Where’s the music coming from?” I pulled out my IPod and showed it to her. “This teensy thing?”

I nodded, and went to my song menu. The white unicorn spoke next. “Excuse me, dearie, but we never caught your name.”

“I never said it.”

“Well, could you tell us?”

I looked up, and said “I don’t trust you yet.”

The unicorn looked offended.

The lavender unicorn walked up and said “How about a trade? Our names for yours?”

I decided I might as well go with it, and said “Fine.”

The unicorn looked pleased. “I’m Twilight Sparkle. That’s Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Fluttershy, and you already met Pinkie Pie.”

She listed, pointing her hoof at each one of them as she went. Fluttershy was cowering behind Applejack, and Rainbow Dash appeared to be sizing me up.

“I’m Jacob.”

Rarity spoke up. “Well, Jacob, may I ask: What are you wearing?”

I looked at her and stated simply “Tee shirt and jeans. Why?”

“Why does your shirt read ‘Aperture Laboratories’?”

“It’s from a game called Portal.”

Rarity appeared satisfied for the moment.

Twilight asked “How did you get here? And what are you?”

“I’m a human. As for how I got here, hell if I know.”

They visibly winced at my curse word. Then Rainbow dashed (Har, har. Pun) up to me and put her face close to mine.

“Are you a spy?” She pressed.

I stepped around her, but she put herself in front of me again.

“You’re persistent, I’ll give you that.”

Rainbow appeared to swell with pride, and smiled, and backed up placing a hoof on her chest and tilting her head up, closing her eyes in mock superiority. “I’m also the fastest flyer in Equestria! I’ve never been beaten, NEVER!”

She was so caught up in her speech, she didn’t notice that I had already snuck past her and joined the group.

I stated “You suck at interrogating.”

She looked back, and her jaw dropped. She then looked furious that something had outdone her in some way. She dropped to the ground, and walked over to the group, muttering something under her breath.

“Guess we should go back to Ponyville.” Twilight said.

As we walked back, I noticed Pinkie glancing occasionally at me and my pocket.

I got closer to her, and said “Did you want to listen?”

Pinkie looked up and nodded, beaming. I took out one earbud and paused the song. I put the earbud in her ear, and put on Party Rock Anthem, I thought it fitting for the party-loving pony. She started to nod her head to the beat, and then began to walk with it, too. I did the same.

We reached the town called Ponyville within the hour. I saw neat rows of houses and a town square surrounding a city hall. There were ponies walking around and buying from stands, while pegasi were moving clouds up above. We went down the path to the town, and as we were walking through town, ponies were giving me looks of disgust, fear, and hate. Some just stared out of curiosity. I bent down slightly and whispered to Twilight.

“Where am I going to stay, tonight?” “

Well, you can stay at the library with me, or you can stay with Fluttershy at her cottage.”

I looked over at Fluttershy and whispered “Mind if I stay at your place tonight?”

Fluttershy looked at me, and nodded, smiling at the thought of getting to learn about a new creature. I responded to Twilight “Cottage.” She nodded, and stopped. I looked up, and saw that we’ve stopped in front of a house built into a tree, which I found fascinating.

We walked in, and Twilight called out “SPIIIIKE!”

A few seconds later, a baby dragon with purple and green scales came down the stairs.

“Yes Twili…” He stopped when he saw me.

I nodded at him and said “Sup.”

He rubbed his eyes, and when I didn’t disappear, he looked at Twilight, and said the most intelligible “Uhhh…” She rolled her eyes and smiled.

“That’s Jacob. He’s going to be around for a while.”

Spike deadpanned and said “Oooookaaaay….” I looked at the clock and noticed it was around six in the evening.

“Hey, Fluttershy, shouldn’t we be getting back to your house?”

Fluttershy looked at the clock and said “Oh, yes! I hope Angel isn’t mad that I’m late…” We said our goodbyes and walked out the door, the sun setting on the horizon.

2. A Day In Town

Fluttershy and I got to her place right as the sun dipped below the horizon. I didn't even bother to do anything with her. I just went up to the guest bedroom, threw off my coat and backpack, and plopped on the bed, falling asleep instantly.

I woke up to the smell of oatmeal, and I went downstairs to find Fluttershy cooking some. She put the oatmeal into two bowls, and added some strawberries. I sat down to eat it, and it tasted amazing. I thanked her for the food, and headed out to town. I stopped by the library. I went in, and found Twilight and Spike cleaning up after their own breakfasts.

"Morning." I greeted.

They returned the greeting, and Twilight walked out of the kitchen and into the library section.

"Hi, Jacob. What can I do for you?"

"Just looking for a good book. Mind if I browse?"

"Not at all."

I looked in the history section, and saw a book titled 'Legends of The Chaos Era'.

I asked "What's the Chaos Era?"

"That was when Discord still ruled. The Royal Sisters, Princesses Celestia and Luna, defeated him thousands of years ago, ending the era. That reminds me, I should probably write to Celestia that you're here."

"Wait, there still alive? That would make them thousands of years old!"

Twilight looked at me and said "Yes, why? Does that surprise you?"

I just turned back to the book, and decided to just leave and explore the town.

I was walking out the door when Twilight called out "Pinkie wants to see you at the Sugarcube Corner at three!" I waved to acknowledge her.

I walked out into the town square, where there were many stands set up. I walked over to a stand selling apples, and saw a yellow filly managing it. Fluttershy gave me some spending money, so I decided to get an apple. When I walked over, the filly looked at me and ducked under the counter.

I rolled my eyes, and knocked on the counter. "Heeeeloooo!' I said in a sing-song voice.

The filly peeked up, and said "He-hello."

"How much for an apple?"

"Two bits." I pulled out a pair of bits, and set them on the counter. I grabbed an apple from the basket and walked away, tossing the apple casually in the air. I saw a school house as I walked past. It was Saturday, so there were no kids inside. I did see a teacher inside, grading some work. Then I remembered that all the ponies I saw had pictures of things on their flanks. I decided to knock on the door, and the teacher got up and walked to the door. When she opened it, she went bug-eyed at me, and I said

"Is this a bad time?"

She said "Uh, no, please come in."

She stepped aside, and I leaned against the wall and said "You're a teacher, right?"

"Yes, I'm Cheerilee. What's your name?"

"Well, Cheerilee, I'm Jacob. Could you tell me why all the ponies I've seen have pictures of things on their flanks?"

"Those are cutie marks. They appear when a pony finds their special talent, and symbolizes it as well."

"Thanks, that's all I wanted to know. I'm a human, and we don't get cutie marks."

She nodded, and I exited the building. I looked at the town clock, 2:30. Jeez, where did the time go? I ran all the way to Sugarcube Corner, which even then took a good twenty five minutes. I opened the door to the bakery, and all the lights were off.

Did she plan a... Hmmm....

I picked up a pebble and threw it at the far wall. I heard someone say "Ow!"

I flicked on the lights just as all the other ponies were distracted by the first one.

I stated with a grin "Well, Jacob one, surprise party zero."

Pinkie bounded over and said "Wow, no one's ever caught me trying to surprise them!"

All six of them were there. They were smiling, ready to party.

"Uh... What's with the festivities?"

"Silly willy, it's your "Welcome To Ponyville" party!"

"Pinkie," I said very seriously. "I only have one question: What kind of cake did you make?"

"Chocolate, why?"

"YOU FOOL! YOU'VE DOOMED US ALL! ....Kidding. Though, I do prefer vanilla cake."

I saw a towering cake on a table, as well as an assortment of other treats. I wasn't really one for large parties, so I just stood in a corner sipping punch. I noticed a DJ in the corner, a white unicorn with a blue mane and tail wearing glasses. I walked over and asked "You got kareoke?" She nodded, and I spoke on the mic 'Still Alive'. The song came up, and I said "That's the one." She played it, and I sung the verses.

This was a triumph.

I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS.

It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.

Aperture Science. We do what we must because we can.

For the good of all of us, except the ones who are dead.

But there's no sense crying over every mistake.

You just keep on trying till run out of cake.

And the science gets done and you make a neat gun,

For the people who are still alive.

I'm not even angry. I'm being so sincere right now.

Even though you broke my heart and killed me,

And tore me to pieces, and threw every piece into a fire.

As they burned, it hurt because I was so happy for you.

Now these points of data make a beautiful line.

And we're out of beta, we're releasing on time.

So I'm glad I got burned.

Think of all the things we learned

For the people who are still alive.

Go ahead and leave me.

I think I prefer to stay inside.

Maybe you'll find someone else to help you.

Maybe Black Mesa.

That was a joke, haha, fat chance.

Anyway, this cake is great. It's so delicious and moist.

Look at me, still talking when there's science to do.

When I look up there, it makes me glad I'm not you.

I've experiments to run, there is research to be done

On the people who are still alive.

And believe me, I am still alive.

I'm doing science and I'm still alive.

I feel fantastic and I'm still alive.

While you're dying, I'll be still alive.

And then you're dead, and I'll be still alive.

Still alive.

Still alive.

The ponies stomped their hooves repeatedly, which I assumed meant that they were applauding me. I smiled and bowed. After that, I went for some cake, which looked suspiciously like the cake from Portal, but I didn't give it a second thought.

The Day After

A/N: For all of you who have been reading the comments, you know in this story I plan to destroy Equestria, since this is the pony hater version of me. The alternate is where I am a brony and befriend the mane six. So, for the final stretch of the story, I want to put in a kick-ass song to play, like last chapter, for when I actually do the whole Armageddon thing. PM me with any suggestions you might have. Otherwise, I will put 115 from Call Of Duty Zombies as the song.

Chapter 3

The Day After

I wasn't sure if it was just me, but I was the only one who didn't partake in the punch excessively last night, and I'm the only one one not walking around like an idiot this morning. I shrugged it off and went into the library. Twilight and Spike most likely were still asleep, so I crept over to the bookcase, and searched the history section. I found a book titled 'Humans: A Difinitive Guide'. I pulled it off the shelf. I flipped through, and the book accurately described what modern society was like. It also stated that humans went extinct after they used up the planet's resources. It then showed the evolution of equines into the dominant species. The last part, however, was extremely interesting. It showed a cylindrical device created by the humans that could wipe out an entire country. I instantly recognized it as a nuclear warhead.

I heard Twilight wake up, and she was humming a tune. It hit me then, I know that tune. It was the theme song of My Little Pony, and I HATED that show. And I woke up inside it. I made it my personal goal to detonate that nuke by any means nessecary. I grabbed the book, signed it out on the sheet, and looked it over to see if there were any leads as to where the nuke was, and it said there was a cave in Whitetail Wood that housed a strange room, but no one knew anything about what was in it. I grabbed a map, bought some food from various stands, and walked out to the woods.

I found the cave fairly easily, and went inside. I found a vault door, and turned the handle on it. I walked in, and heard a recording play over an intercom. "Welcome to the United States Nuclear Missile Controll Base." The message was replayed in several more languages. I found the main terminal, the one that read 'Launch Sequence', and turned it on. Apparently some of the software was damaged, because I didn't need a password. .

I found a satellite camera, and tried to turn it on. To my surprise, it turned on, and I saw a huge mountain with a city carved into the side of it. I checked the map, and found out I was looking at Canterlot, the capital of Equestria. I looked north of Equestria on the map, and saw the Griffin Kingdoms. I read the news about the increasing hostility between the two countries in the news, and figured I should make a profit while I rid the world of these horrid ponies. Thankfully, I was not far from the border at this point, and decided to make my trip there. After all, who's going to miss little old me?

When I'm Black Ops

Chapter 4

When I'm Black Ops

One word about flying, it will make you never want to walk again. I soared through the griffin kingdom on my new wings, taking in every breathtaking sight around me. The griffin kingdom was a military kingdom, with guards patrolling the skies constantly. I just flashed my new badge, and they left me alone. I hoped to find a blacksmith around here, and he wasn't hard to find. His was the only building with molten metal surrounding it. The king had given me some money so I could get my own sword, but I was going to need a machinist for what I had in mind.

I landed on his front step and knocked. A Scottish voice yelled from the inside "Come in, laddy!"

I came in, and in front of me was the burliest griffin I had ever seen. "Aye, are you the one they call Jacob, me boy?"

I nodded, and he firmly shook my hand. "My, you are the strangest creature to walk in my shop yet!"

I chuckled and said "I'm getting that a lot lately." I broke the handshake, and asked "Say, do you know any machinists around here?"

He thought for a minute, and stated "You should try Ol' Farnahm up the road. I'd be careful though laddy, that griffin is not in his right mind."

I stated "I'll be back in a minute." and exited his shop, and flew up the road as instructed (It's a cloud city like Cloudsdale, only more medival, and much closer to the ground) and saw a peculiar house surrounded by many strange contraptions. I uttered a 'WTF', and knocked on the front door.

A griffin with what appeared to be a magnifying device in front of his eye answered, and with a German accent exclaimed "Welcome! I see you have ze badge of ze griffin Secret Service! I assume you are here to have me work on a weapon for you?"

I nodded and stated "If I have enough leftover, perhaps two weapons."

He clapped and asked "So, let's not keep Gregory ze blacksmith waiting!"

He grabbed some tools and scrap metal from inside his house and took off without any acknowledgement from me. I followed the eccentric tinker back to the blacksmith's forge. We got inside, and Farnahm took out some blank blueprint paper. I made a sketch of what I wanted in my sword. It would appear to be like any other sword, with a double-edged blade and a full circle double handle guard. The only part out of place would be a trigger on the handle. When I pulled the trigger, the blade would be let loose from its parallel position with the handle and would spin freely around the handle on the momentum from my swings for as long as I held the trigger. When I let go of the trigger, the blade would lock back in it's original position. The best part was that I still had enough funds left over for another weapon, but I would need time to think on a new one. They said to come back tomorrow, and I payed them and left.

I flew out to what appeared to be a bar, and I saw a group of Black Ops veterans sitting at a table. They had their weapons with them, a myriad of different-shaped blades and other pointy objects.

I walked over and asked "Hey, mind if I join you?"

Some welcomed a new recruit to the table, while a few assholes who had been drinking too much told me to piss off.

I gave them hard looks and asked "You're telling the guy who just solved your diplomatic problems to 'piss off'?"

One of the vets exclaimed "That was you? Nice job man. The king was so happy he gave us drinking money. Here, have one on me." He gave me a new beer.

I took it and said "Thanks, I'm Jacob."

The veteran stated "I don't like formalities, so you can call me Pyro."

I gave a confused look and asked "Why should I call you Pyro?"

He smiled, and pulled out his weapon, which was a sword handle with no blade. When he slammed the pommel on the table, a three-foot coloumn of flame erupted from the handle. He slammed the pommel again, and the flame shut off.

"Stop showing off, Pyro. You don't want to scare away the kid." The griffin had an accent similar to that of Speedy Gonzales. He spoke fast with a Mexican accent. He pulled out his weapons, two daggers that were curved to be thrown like boomerangs.

Pyro laughed and stated "Please excuse Cutter here, he has a faster mouth than he can handle. That over there is Boomer. He has a bow with exploding arrows. That there is Stone, he has the flail with the retractable head. He's Viper, he has poisoned throwing knives. And last but not least is our lovely lady, Kat. She uses metal claws, and can sneak up on anyone."

After the team was introduced, Kat walked up and ran her (thankfully non-metal) claw under my chin and asked "So, what's your weapon?"

I stated without moving "A double-edged sword with a spinning blade."

Stone gruffly stated "You sound like a butcher."

Pyro said "Butcher, yes, that fits. Welcome to the team, Butcher."

I grinned evilly at the nickname I was determined to live up to.

I asked "So, I guess you guys do a lot of missions together?"

They all nodded, and I stated "I hope to join you soon." as I sipped by beer.