Kids, let me tell you a story.
When I was younger, I was a very strong stallion. I worked day and night on the very apple farm you now live on. But on the weekends, I used to go to the local bar- The Squeezed Lemon. Yes, I know, you don’t imagine dad as a drinker. The only reason I went drinking was to hang out with my best friends. Ponies who don’t know me probably will say I don’t talk much and most likely am very lonely. Well, that was partly true; I always had my friends.
But until the night I’m about to tell you about I had never even thought about having a mare-friend.
Let alone get into the crazy circumstance I got in then.
It was a night like any other at the bar…
[SUNDAY MARCH 1ST]
“…and the mouse came out whole!”
Everypony laughed at the cream colored pony’s rather weird story. She laughed with them, well, more giggled, the cute little giggle-snort that she acquired after a few glasses of distilled salt. The other ponies at the other tables just looked at the clearly drunk group of ponies, acting rowdy and just having a good time.
“Phew, Flutters. That’s almost as good as the time I bang-“
“Caramel- no. We already heard about the Lyra incident. You don’t need to tell us again.”
“Jeez Rarity, lighten up a bit. No need to have your horn up your butt.”
Rarity began to look flustered while everypony, excluding two, stifled a laugh. Caramel was the… rambunctious pony in our group. He was always with one mare or another, so he had gained quite a reputation in Ponyville. But even though he would never admit it, Caramel had a sweet side. That came out when he was around a mare he actually had feelings for, and not just saucy ones.
“Caramel, you need to learn to respect a mare’s confidentiality.”
“Gesundheit”
“Caramel, do you really- never mind. Hey Rarity, our date’s in approximately twenty minutes, so we should get going. I still have a couple things on my checklist to get through beforehand. See you later guys!”
“See ya, Twilight!” A combination of voices replied. After they had admitted their feelings for each other a few years ago, Rarity and Twilight became a very good couple. How that happened is a whole different story though. I watched Twilight and Rarity walk out of the store, rather longingly.
“Hey Big Mac, you’ve been quiet for a while now. What’s up, dude?” Caramel said while nudging me to get my attention.
I snapped out of my daze and locked my eyes onto Fluttershy and Caramel’s concerned expression. I sighed, took a sip of my hard apple cider and said,
“Ah don’t know guys. Ah’ve been thinkin’ ‘bout my future. Ah’m already twenty-three years old an’ Ah’ve never had a marefriend.”
Caramel laughed while Fluttershy swiveled her glass. “Neither have I! I’ve just been one-night standin’ it! It’s the best.” He patted my shoulder. “I think your late hormones are finally kicking in. You and Flutters need to swipe your V-Card!”
Caramel laughed again at my and Fluttershy’s now blushing faces. Then he saw Fluttershy had to say something, so he stopped. Fluttershy has a special way of communicating that she wants to talk non-verbally. She makes her lips into a thin line, flicks her hair to the side a little and looks up at the person talking expectantly. It will always work on the one who is talking without fail, sort of like her famous stare.
“Well, I think that it’s okay to wait until you’re ready, Big Macintosh. I take care of animals, so I’ve seen them well… *squeak* do it. I don’t know if I want to do that anytime soon. Not to mention Rarity always says something about it one way or another when we go to the spa- not that it’s bad or anything...”
I nodded my head as a response. She just confirmed in what I had been thinking the whole night. Ah don’t have feelins fer anypony though. Ah guess it doesn’t help I don’t socialize out of the group much.
I looked at my surroundings in the bar. Groups of ponies having a good time, stallions hitting on mares, ponies on dates, (I have never understood why ponies go on dates in bars) and some lonely ponies drinking in silence. It was a scene I had grown accustomed to over the last couple of months. Ever since Fluttershy had invited me to hang out with her, Rarity and Twilight, I had been drinking with them. Caramel had been hired at Sweet Apple Acres when Applejack had taken a nasty fall, breaking both her legs. She recovered soon enough, but I had come to enjoy Caramel’s company and we needed an extra pair of hooves around the farm. After I had gone drinking a couple times with my new friends, I invited Caramel. Our group would never be the same.
“Uhh, Big Mac? Helooooo? Is anypony home?” Caramel waved his hoof in front of my muzzle to get my attention, effectively I might add.
“Huh, what? Oh sorry Caramel. Ah was just thinkin’ about the crazy circumstance in which this group was formed.” I answered in the smooth tone I always had when I was trying to cover something up. I had learned and practiced the technique after I was caught by Granny trying to eat the Zap-Apple jam before we had sold the yearly amount.
“What in tarnation are you doing Big Macintosh!”
“Um… uh… nothin’ Granny. Ah’m just… uh… eatin’ some apples?”
“Darn tootin’ yer not!”
*SMACK*
I shuddered at the memory. It was not a pleasant one.
“Oh, okay Big Mac. So, as I was saying; I was walking in the store and…”
As Caramel was explaining his story that most likely ended with him in bed with somepony, I was watching Fluttershy. She’s such a pretty mare… If Ah were to be with somepony it would probably be her… My eyes widened at the thought. Where in hay did that come from?! Ah definitely do not like Fluttershy! And even if Ah did, she would never want me! Even after her confidence lessons… After Fluttershy’s confidence lessons, she became more confident about herself and her opinions. But she still was nervous whenever it came to more serious topics, like actual love and mating. I was never bothered by it, I just accepted as part of life. But I doubt she would be looking for a special somepony. Besides, she was one of my sister’s best friends!
“…and it was great. I mean, I’ve done it many times before, but this, oh sweet Celestia, this was LEGENDARY!”
And it seems I was right. It was about that. Caramel can be so predictable at times…
“I’m not that predictable Big Mac! And that story was LEGENDARY anyway! I mean, I banged Derpy UPSIDE DOWN! What’s not to love about that?!”
Oops, I said that out loud, didn’t I? Fluttershy looks queasy.
“Urk! Um, I’ve got to go to the bathroom…” Fluttershy bolted to the bathroom as quick as Rainbow Dash.
“She’s a good girl but she can’t listen to my stories can she?” Caramel asked with a sigh. “I think I’ve got the hots for her. She is so cute and cuddly. She can listen to all my stories and get through them without a snarky comment.” Caramel downed his drink.
I kept my poker face and nodded but my emotions were running high. What?! He likes her now?! Ah like her! Ah even have the denying inter monologue to prove it! Ah got to woo her before he does!
“Not to be a jinx but, don’t you have a perfect we-“
“Shh! Yeah, today’s the last day. I’d better get started. See you later gator!” Caramel said as he walked out of the now near empty bar.
Good. Now that he’s gone, Ah need a game plan! Ah don’t know a thing ‘bout romance… Ah need a coach! Yeah, a coach. But who should it be…? Ah know! Rarity! Ah could ask Rarity ‘bout this! Ah should ask her tomorrow. Ah need to get ta Fluttershy before Caramel does! Let’s make it…
…a race!
Ha hah ha. That's funny.
No, this isn't a new chapter.
But this IS announcing a COMPLETE rewrite of the first chapter, and for you people, the next one too.
And since I think some of you might not believe me, here's the first intro paragraph:
Dear Diary,
When I was younger, I was an active soul. I worked day in and day out to take care of my beloved Sweet Apple Acres, planting seeds, plowing farmland. I wasn’t very active in other ways, though. Socially, I was inept. But, from the other entries in this diary you might know that. I’ve grown accustomed to this lifestyle, admittedly. I like it. It makes life simpler, and it leaves out drama I would have to experience otherwise.
But diary, PLEASE tell me why all the drama has to start now?!
I used to not even think of “hanging” out with ponies. It made me uncomfortable. Why is it that now I have all these things to juggle?! I can’t confess my feelings to Fluttershy, and Caramel has already started in on the kill! How can I compete with Caramel?! He’s the slickest, trickiest stallion in Equestria, AND he’s backed up by Twilight! But… he is my friend. I guess I could just let it slide. Let the feelings subside. Anyway, I’ll have an entry to this diary tomorrow. Night.
-Big Macintosh.
REALLY sorry about the... LONG wait.