I was slyly making my awesome hike up the mountain of absolute swag, and I almost slip on a lame rock but because I am so cool I don't. I jump like forty feet in the air because I am the coolest guy ever and make awesome jumps and I see this swag looking thing in the distance and it looks awesome. Then I land near it and it's a stupid lame pony unicorn so I punch it in the mouth and say "How did you like that knuckle sandwich." It said "Neigh" and I was all offended because this horse was insulting my home made meal.
So I was getting ready to charge up my super fire fist and then the unicorn uses some fairy magic and makes a space ship pop up out of thin air and we both stare at each other "Swag" I say and the unicorn coughs and says "I am a little hoarse." Which was such a nerdy joke, so I punch it in the throat and throw it off the mountain but I steal its horn first and put in on my head? I am now a uni-man so I can do magic and I don't need that stupid lame unicorn.
I made a giant rainbow but with cool death colors instead of sissy dumb colors, and I skipped along it in the manliest way possible. I used my horn to create a flying death metal band to play music. At the top of the death rainbow I looked down at a village and summoned a bunch of giants to attack the village. So I also gave myself wings and heat vision and I flew down to the village.
"Hey look a punk uni-man with wings, looking to get punched in the butt?" The giant ogre says in a stupid voice because he is stupid and I respond quickly with "The only way you would survive this is if my awesome muscles were as small as your brain" an extremely witty and great comeback as it was had stunned him. I took this advantage to think of an insult and I said "Your mom's so fat, she sits next to everyone at the movies". He was so taken back by the insult that his face melted and he turned into an infant and started crying because he's a baby.
"Anyone else wants some of this" I say as I flip my majestic hair, my beautiful hair makes all the ogres and giants explode in amazement and instead of blood they explode in candy and glitter and it was really girly and feminine and I almost puked because it was so devoid of manliness but then I looked in a mirror and got better. The only thing stopping my awesomeness from destroying the world is the extreme lameness of One Direction countering my awesomeness.
I fly to Jupiter and I punch Jupiter in the face and the planet gets knocked out of orbit and flies towards Pluto and destroys Pluto because that stupid 'planet' doesn't deserve to exist because it's so puny and then I use my intimidating stare to move Jupiter back into place. I then jump to the sun and say "Hey sun can you turn down the heat so that global warming will stop" he flips on some shades and says "Okay" and I give him a high five and I fall back to Earth in an awesome slow motion cinematic leap of faith.
I land in the Middle East and I beat up all the terrorists with a plastic spork and then I collect all their oil and multiply it with my mind powers and then I create enough oil for the whole world to use. Then I fly around and disarm every nuclear weapon in the world, and shortly after I go to the United States of America. (the best country in the universe of course) In which I am invited into the white house only to be turned on by the evil devil himself, Mr. Evil mcEvil. "I thought you changed!" I screamed in anger and despair, "No my dear boy, evil, evil never changes" he says stroking his cat and fixing his monocle.
I look at his scar and try to force it open with magic to make him get a big band-aid and when he goes to get it I can take out his goons. I focus my magic and it doesn't work "Mwaha, boy my evil powers negate your magic!" he says, pulling out a giant machine gun. He mounts it on the table and starts shooting, but the unicorn who's horn I stole jumps through the window and the bullets hit it and I scream "NO!" I throw the pony at him with my magic and he gets knocked backwards out the window.
I chase him and we're both falling and I punch him in the mouth. It turns out he is One Direction and I killed him so my awesomeness consumes the world and the universe and everyone dies. The End.
Or is it? I wake up in a hospital and there's some blonde broad patting my head and when I sit up and punch her in the boob she's like "Ow my boob" like any normal woman would be. I feel my stomach act up and I fart, and since I'm so hot it lights on fire and explodes and sends me flying through the hospital and I land in an old lady's lap, and she's all old and gross so I punch her in the belly. "Ow my belly" like any normal old lady would say, I fart again and launch myself into orbit to see what happened while I was gone.
I gasp in awe but in a manly way not in a girly way. Communism took over the world, so I see six ponies getting beat up because they're whining and don't have friends so they can't use the power of friendship so I land next to them and it's Twilight Sparkle,Rainbow Dash,Fluttershy,Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash (there's two Rainbow Dashes because she's cool and Applejack is stupid and a woman) So I'm like "listen up you dumb horses be friends so we can beat communism and make the world have freedom from gay people and atheists" "ok" they all say at the same time.
We are all friends and blow up Karl Marx and Joseph Stalin and we dance on Osama Bin Laden's grave and watch some football like real men and I retire to a luxury house in Hawaii, waiting for another adventure to occur. The End.
