Blessed are the Cherrymakers
It was a dark and stormy night in Ponyville.
Well… actually, it was a fairly light storm. It was barely raining. In fact, there wasn’t even a cloud in the sky. It was rather sunny out. Okay, I guess it was daytime.
But deep in the darkest of kitchens, a master was at work. They say that a true artist suffers for their work, and that whatever comes out of such a long, laborious process is the glorious result of blood, sweat, and tears. Never has that been more true than in this very kitchen, for now, this artist is about to produce her greatest masterpiece.
This is her finest hour.
“Need more eggs in this mix, STAT!”
The kitchen was her laboratory, and the utensils her equipment. The equipment to create a new entity, a monster. Nay… a new state of mind.
“Roger that, Sargent Pinkie! More eggs on the double!”
The imagination can be a dangerous thing.
Not even Celestia knows what goes on in a pony’s mind from time to time. Many brilliant ideas have been spawned from the mind. But so have countless horrible ideas. Things so horrific, that they should’ve never been allowed to leave the brain.
Who can say what tomorrow will bring? What sorts of new ideas will emerge? The impact that they’ll have on a society? The consequences that ponies will face, for better or for worse?
It’s all an enigma. Much like the great Pinkamena Diane Pie herself.
“We need more sugar! MORE SUGAR!”
Any passing pony would look at this mare and call her crazy, unusual, nonsensical. In fact, many in Ponyville do use those terms to describe Pinkie Pie. Even some of her closest friends. They do not see her for what she truly is.
A visionary. An independent thinker. A pony who dares to look at the world, at everything that we’ve created and all the advances we’ve made, shrug, and say, “Ehh, could be better.”
This is her tale.
“And now for the ultimate ingredient… the end-all be-all of my creation… the reason I am here…” she mused to nopony in particular. Not that anypony could fathom the workings of a Pinkie Pie mind. “History is about to be made, ladies and gentlecolts. Feast your eyes upon the savory, scrumptious, most delicious—”
“PINKIE!”
A figure emerged from behind, daring to shatter the great Pinkie Pie’s concentration, and throw all of her creative planning into turmoil.
“What are you doing here?”
“Oh! Hey, Twilight,” said Pinkie in her usual cheery tone. “What brings you to the neighborhood?”
Her good friend Twilight Sparkle just blinked several times in response.
“Well… first of all, this is my kitchen,” she finally replied. “And secondly, why are you kneading dough in the dark?”
She flipped on a light, casting the dark workspace in a warm blanket of light. Pinkie Pie was instantly blinded; all she could do was shield her eyes and hiss at the unwelcome illumination bestowed upon her sanctum.
“What are you making anyway?” Twilight asked, as she walked over to get a better look at her friend’s creation.
“I’m glad you asked!” said Pinkie, bringing Twilight into her world by her neck. “Looks like you get to be the first to know, Twilight! The first to know that I am at the brink of creating the greatest Mexicolt-inspired culinary splendor this side of Equestria since the legendary chocolate churro! Because today, I am finally creating, the world’s first… CHIMICHERRYCHANGA!”
“Chimi… cherry… whatta?” Twilight uttered out, struggling to grasp such a unique concept… and struggling to breathe.
“Don’t you remember, Twilight?”
To demonstrate, Pinkie… somehow pulled down a projection screen over the fourth wall, which began visually recapping her ramblings at Cherry Jubilee’s ranch.
“It was all I could think about when we followed Applejack all the way to Dodge Junction last month, and you told me all I had to do was go and talk to her about something random!”
“A cherrychanga is mashed up cherries in a tortilla that's deep fried. Cherrychanga! Great name, huh? Oh! But maybe I should call it a chimicherry. Ooh, that's good too! Which do you think sounds better? Cherrychanga or chimicherry? Or what if I combine them? Chimicherrychanga! What sounds the funniest?”
“Rarity and I were both so excited about my idea that we kept talking about it the whole ride home, and Rarity had a lot to say about it!”
“What do you think, Rarity? Chimicherry or cherrychanga? Chimicherry, cherrychanga? Chimicherry, cherrychanga? Chimicherry, cherrychanga? Chimicherry, cherrychanga?”
“When I get back, you're gonna get it, Rainbow Dash!”
She pulled the screen back up, revealing that she and Twilight were now both wearing sombreros and false mustaches.
“Wait, what th—”
“So now that I’ve finally settled upon the name after two long months of hard thinking, I shall not eat, I shall not sleep, and I shall not even blink until the chimicherrychanga is a reality!” Pinkie proclaimed. “Although… I guess I do have to eat some of this stuff in order to taste-test it. Plus, I have to sleep if I’m going to keep my concentration. And my eyes hurt whenever I forget to blink, so… I guess I will eat, sleep, and blink for a while!”
“Right…” said Twilight, removing her sombrero and mustache like the shameful artifacts they were. “But that… still doesn’t explain why you’re making it in my kitchen.”
Pinkie scoffed at such a commoner remark.
“Well, duhhh, Twilight! Haven’t you ever heard the expression, ‘working outside of the box’?”
“I’m pretty sure that’s thinking outside the—”
“Sometimes our best ideas come to us in the most unfamiliar of environments! My kitchen just doesn’t have that same creative punch that yours does!”
And then, she pulled a bag out of Twilight’s cupboard… but not just any bag. The ultimate ingredient that she had been looking for.
“Besides, you’ve got silvered almonds, just what I needed!” She opened up the bag and munched on a few. “So, do you get it now?”
Twilight looked all around, trying to construct a definite conclusion. “Well… I, uh… um… I…” Finally, she gazed down to the floor, ears drooped. “No. No, not really.”
Pinkie sighed. “Twilight, you seriously need to get out more, and get a better perspective on life. Try painting something. Wait… Yes, that’s it, Twilight! Go outside and paint your DREAMS!”
Twilight had such an incredulous look at this point that it wasn’t even funny.
“I can’t, I have a lot of work to do today. I still want to finish writing my thesis on teleportation magic, and I was going to start reading my book on phosphorescent mushrooms, plus I still need to re-organize my weekly planner to account for the picnic we’re having next—”
“Great, so I guess you’re not busy!” The next thing Twilight knew, a long list was cast onto her. “Do you mind heading to the market and getting some ingredients for me?”
“What? Me? But- but- why can’t you just get Spike to do this?”
“Oh, that’s right. He told me to tell you something about helping Rarity with her dressmaking… again.”
“Ohhh! This is simply the worst thing that could ever happen! No jades! Or topaz! Or even ONE baby blue sapphire!”
Rarity’s house was a mess. And not even the “organized chaos” kind of mess that she usually defends. It was just a fashion disaster, from the floor to the ceiling. Garments and gemstones were being tossed all over the place, as an extremely stressed Rarity tore the place apart looking for the sacred stones she so desperately desired. Also, alliteration is awesome.
“Aww, come on, Rarity. It’s not the end of the worl--”
“IT IS THE END OF THE WORLD, SPIKE!” As for Spike himself, he was just frantically trying to pick up the tossed items and rearrange them to Rarity’s presumed liking, trying to appease his crush like always. “Without the proper jewels, I’ll never get Tasha Trinkets’ dress done in time for the magazine photo-op!”
“Yeah, but, I thought she said she could reschedule it in a snap if you weren’t able to--”
“Time is of the essence!” Rarity rebutted. “And yet here I am, jewel-less, inspiration-less even! How could a pony like me be cursed with such desolation!?”
Having reached the point of no hope, Rarity flew herself to the floor and… starting rolling over on the carpet like a dog.
“Ohh, woe is me woe is me woe is me woe is me WOE IS MEEE-HE-HEEEE!”
Spike bit his lip watching the bizarre sight. As this was happening, Sweetie Belle trotted down the stairs to see what was going on. Her facial expression seemed to imply that seeing her older sister rolling on the ground was not an unusual sight. She and Spike exchanged blank gestures at each other before she circled back upstairs.
The things I do for love… Spike thought to himself.
But just then, Rarity sat up with a sudden look of determination, startling Spike.
“There’s only thing to do in order to remedy this situation! I shall not eat, rest, or even BATHE until we have everything necessary to complete that dress! SPIKE!”
A shovel was tossed in Spike’s general direction. Rarity walked over to him in a dramatic fashion and said in a rich, gravelly voice…
“WE NEED TO DIG.”
“But I… ugh, fine.” Twilight began looking over the list that Pinkie had just handed to her… as she spotted Pinkie leaving the kitchen. “Umm… where are you going?”
“Ohh, I have everything I need here, so I think I’m just going to go work in my own kitchen. Because after all, I should never use somepony else’s kitchen without asking first! That’d just be silly! Well, see ya later, Twilight! Don’t forget to bring those back to Sugarcube Corner when you’re done!”
And just like that, the great Pinkie Pie had left the scene. The source of inspiration was calling elsewhere, but her friend Twilight Sparkle was now left with a kitchen toiled in genius artistry… and a hefty quest ahead of her.
“But I—then, why’d you…” She just shook her head and scolded herself within her own mind. Forget it, Twilight. Just Pinkie being Pinkie…
If only it were that simple.
It was a calm and peaceful day at the Ponyville Marketplace. So peaceful, that the usual tense atmosphere of competition and commerce was practically non-existent today, and the shopkeepers were actually rather at ease for once. Even Crafty Pete, known for being the burliest and often sleaziest of shopkeepers, was in a whistling mood today. Not really sure what song he’s whistling though. It almost sounds like a sailing shanty… or something like that.
“Hey there, Twilight! What’s shakin’, bacon?” A sign advertising Crafty’s cherries as 2 bits a pop stood next to him, as Twilight Sparkle approached his stand.
“Hello, Crafty Pete. How’s business?”
“Pretty busy, and pretty good.” Pete raised an eyebrow at the exceedingly large potato bag Twilight fished from her saddlebag. “Needin’ some more cherries, are we?”
“Uhhh, yes. Quite a… quite a lot, actually.” Twilight took another look at Pinkie’s list and clenched her teeth with a huge breath. “Ummm… 57, to be specific.”
“F-f… FIFTY-SEVEN CHERRIES!?” Crafty Pete was so shell-shocked that his bow-tie spun around and his blue cap flew clean off of his head. ... Oh yeah, and then it landed back on his head. Sorry for the suspense there.
Twilight glanced harder at the list, and noticed something. “Oh wait, no, there was a smudge. It’s actually eighty-seven.”
Crafty Pete’s jaw dropped.
“That’s… that’s almost my whole inventory! What the hay could you possibly need all those cherries for!?”
“Oh, not for me,” Twilight replied, her voice shaking a little. “For my friend, Pinkie Pie. It’s this big baking project she’s doing, she calls it a cherry-chonkey or… something. She’s going to revolutionize the whole industry, or so she says,” she explained.
“…Is she now?” A smug was beginning to form, as he raised the other eyebrow. “Well… for a venture like that, that’s going to be… 180 bits!”
Twilight did a double-take. “180? But that’s not right. 87 times 2 actually equals one-hundred and seventy fou—”
“180 bits! Take it or leave it, missy!”
“Fine, fine. Here.” She levitated a bag of bits from inside her saddlebag onto the counter, and emptied almost three barrels’ worth of cherries into her saddlebag. “Thanks, Crafty.”
“Yeah… no problem…”
“I guess it’s a good thing Princess Celestia pays me so much to… to…” As Twilight walked away, the realization dawned on her. “Huh. What is she paying for, anyway?”
Once she was gone, Crafty Pete squinted ahead, DRAMATICALLY. From out of nowhere, he pulled out a phone… and by a phone, I mean a can connected to a string, and whispered into it.
“Crate Master to C.T. Crate Master to C.T. We have a problem…”
Well, that’s an interesting new development. But we’ll get back to that later, for there are other important things happening. ‘Twas but a glorious day all around Ponyville. A glorious day to seize! New ventures were awaiting, new windows of opportunity shining through the air. It was a day to be at your most productive, to work towards your greatest of goals, to strive for the skies…
Or in Rainbow Dash’s case, it was the perfect day to sleep on an open branch, inside a tree overlooking the town square from the distance. She was napping peacefully, her mind surely abuzz with dreams of flying with her heroes, the Wonderbolts.
“N-no, Spitfire… Not the whirlwind blaze… You can’t—you can’t do the whirlwind blaze on an open dessert channel…”
Something along those lines.
But whatever she was dreaming about, those dreams were quickly shattered by the impact of an acorn on her face.
“Zzz! Oww! What the…” With a frustrated grunt, she flicked the acorn off and rolled to her other side. “Dumb squirrels…”
She tried to return to her slumber, and had almost completely dozed off again, when…
“HEY, RAINBOW DASH!”
“WHOOAAA!”
With a great thud, Rainbow fell to the ground below, startled by the sudden appearance of Pinkie’s head bursting from the leaves.
“Ugh… Pinkie Pie! I told you to never do that again!”
“Hee-hee, sorry Rainbow! I just had some really exciting news to share with you!”
“Exciting, huh?” Rainbow struggled to get back up, as Pinkie Pie slid down the trunk of the tree on all fours like some cartoon character.
“Thaaaat’s right, Dashy! Get ready when you hear this, ‘cause this is gonna knock your socks off!” She took a deep breath and then let it all out right in Rainbow’s face. “Your friend Pinkie Pie is about to pop the cherry!”
“Yeah, okay, that’s--” Then it her. Like a brick. “Wait, WHAAAAAT!?”
“Yup!” Pinkie reaffirmed, jumping for joy. “I told you it was gonna be exciting! This is something I’ve never done before, but I’ve always wanted to try it! It’s like I’ve been waiting my whole life for this!”
Rainbow was rendered nearly speechless at her awkward phrasing. “But-but… you can’t…”
“It’s going to be an exhilarating experience, and I just can’t wait to go down on it at the end!” Oh, lordy.
“Who’s-- who are you… doing this… with?” she asked, struggling to get the words out. Sweat was beginning to trickle down her forehead.
“Oh! Twilight’s helping me!”
“TWILIGHT!?”
“Uh-huh!” Pinkie replied, nodding in pure childlike innocence. “Why, did you want in on this too, Rainbow?”
Rainbow’s eyes went wide.
“Me!?”
“Sure, there’s enough room for the three of us… I think!”
“I… I…”Rainbow’s hooves trembled greatly as her eyes darted in all directions, and her eyes pressed shut as her thoughts began battling themselves.
“Mmm, guess you’re too busy. Oh, well. See you later, Rainbow Dash!”
With that, Pinkie Pie hopped away back to her den of creation, blissfully unaware of the psychological destruction she had just wreaked on her friend.
“Pinkie! Wait! NO!” Next thing she knew, Rainbow Dash was flying after her. “I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR FIRST!”
“Status report.”
“They’re all gathered, ma’am.”
“Good. Let’s get ready to do some dirty work.”
About two dozen ponies were gathered in what seemed like some sort of underground bunker. This strange congregation of ponies were connected by little else but their common trait of cherry-themed Cutie Marks, as well hats and other items of clothing celebrating the apparent glory of cherries. It was like a convention of cherry-loving nerds.
Heck, there was literally a fountain of cherry whiskey right in the middle of the room. A FOUNTAIN!
“I live for this,” Berryshine remarked before dunking her entire head into the fountain.
The walls were a dark maroon color, as if somepony had smeared cherries all over the wall. In fact, seeing how eccentric this crowd is about cherries, they probably did. It was a rather low ceiling too, to the point that the taller stallions in the room had to crouch slightly. Posters of bizarre cherry propaganda were lined all over the room. One of them depicted a explosion of red mist with the words “Cherry (is the) Bomb”, and another showed two smiling cherries on a stem, reading “ALL NON-BELIEVERS WILL BE JUICED!”
A dark purple mare with a brown mane of vibrant curls stepped up to the microphone to address the calamitous crowd and cleared her throat.
“Order in the boardroom! Order in the boardroom! I said… ORRRRDEEERRRRR!”
All the ponies in the room immediately went silent. Crickets sounded, even though there weren’t any crickets in the room.
“The National Equestrian Society of Cherry Pioneers is now in session. Presenting our honorable leader, C.T.!”
They all clapped as their leader stepped into frame.
A dark robe with a cherry insignia was draped over C.T., shrouding almost the pony’s entire appearance. The only two things visible underneath it were a smiling cherries Cutie Mark and a swirly red tail. A beige muzzle peeked out from underneath the hood, sporting a red mustache.
But despite the deceptively trendy facial hair, C.T.’s voice indicated her gender as female.
“Thank you, Cherry Fizzy,” she said, addressing her assistant. “My fellow Cherryteers! I’ve just had some very concerning news relayed to me by our trusty Ponyville vendor, Trusty Pete!”
“Crafty Pete!” he corrected.
“Crafty Pete, whatever. This is what he had to say!”
C.T. gestured to Cherry Fizzy, who immediately set up a slide projector that broadcast on the wall behind C.T. The slide shown was an image of Pinkie Pie, sticking her tongue out while wearing a Groucho Trotz mask.
“We all know this colorful face. Our own Pinkie Pie, Ponyville’s resident clown, crack-up, and pastry cooker of deliciousness!” C.T. dramatically lowered her voice. “But today tells a much grimmer tale. For she has turned to the dark side. OUR dark side! That’s right, Pinkamena Diane Pie is… creating her own cherry-themed instrument of danger!”
All the ‘Cherryteers’ gasped.
C.T. continued, whilst stroking her mustache. “Crafty Pete even claims that his source, whom we can’t name for reasons of security but let’s just call her, uhh… ‘Sunset Shimmer’, described Pinkie’s “cherry bomb” as something that will REVOLUTIONIZE THE ENTIRE INDUSTRY!”
This was enough to send the entire group into hysterics.
“What will happen to our businesses!?” Cherry Jubilee panicked.
“Is she going to run us all flat?” asked Sprocket Seed.
“Are my broiling hot Cherry Kabobs going to be rendered obsolete by this despicable pink menace?” Budd Sprouts violently took a bite out of his spicy stick.
“Calm down, calm down, my friends! Remember the tranquility of the stem.” Whatever the hay this analogy was, it seemed to calm down the entire fraternity very quickly. “We have no additional information on the nature of this product, or its projected impact on the cherry industry. But we here at the National Equestrian Society of Cherry Pioneers don’t accept risks anymore. Not after what happened to poor Cherry Bob Jenkins.”
“I’m still here, ya know!” an elderly voice shouted from the back.
“Bless that brave stallion’s heart,” said C.T. solemnly, putting a hand to her chest. “I shall be going out to town to perform some reconnaissance, and then, once I’ve ascertained the threat, I will give you all further instructions. But first, we must be prepared, fruitheads. We may be headed into WAR.”
“I LIKE WAR!” Cherry Berry piped from within the crowd.
“Gooood. Then it’s settled. But first…” Her assistant Cherry Fizzy produced a plate of yummy-looking steaming pink treats with cherry bits in them. “Who wants cherry dumplings?”
All of the ‘Cherryteers’ instantly raised their hooves with chants of “Ooh! Ooh!” and “I do!” C.T. smiled wickedly. Certainly, she loved the taste of affection and the supreme feeling of power over others in the morning.
One sole voice ruined the moment.
“Ummm, excuse me, Miss T. Can I go back to the bathroom?”
C.T. groaned. “Go ahead, Black Stone.”
“Thank you, ma’am,” he said and promptly left. C.T. lifted her hood up slightly, just to glare at him with her golden eyes.
“That pony needs to drink less water…” she mused. “…AND MORE CHERRY WINE! All in favor?”
“AYE!” they all chanted back.
“AYYYYYE!” yelled Berryshine.
But as the cherry pioneers gathered around their leader, they didn’t seem to realize that something sinister was in their midst. One of their own members was actually hiding a dark secret.
For rather than head into the bathroom and do his business, Black Stone was leaning against the wall with a serious look on his face. He pulled up a mysterious wristwatch communicator and pressed a button on it to open up a satellite channel.
“Hello? This is Agent Stone. Patch me through to the agency.”
After a few seconds, a gruff male voice responded. “Go ahead.”
“This is Reconnaissance Agent Stone, sir. You might want to hear about this.”
Apples are love. Apples are life.
At least, those are the six words that she lives by day by day. Ponies come from far and wide to sample her family’s famous apples, and Applejack knew that today was going to a very bright day at her apple stand. After all, the sun was shining, the marketplace was exceptionally busy, and best of all, her most vicious competitor, Carrot Top, had failed to show up to her own carrot stand, bringing her usual snark with her. Thus, the market street seemed much quieter than usual.
Yes, today was going to be a glorious day, Applejack believed. What could possibly go wrong?
“Howdy, Twilight!”
“Huh? Oh. Hey, Applejack.”
Twilight barely looked up from her exceedingly long grocery list to acknowledge her friend. She wasn’t even slowing down for some apples, just… walking on by. Applejack looked on after her, and scratched her head.
“Uhhh… Twilight?” she called.
“Yeah?”
“You uh, you’re out grocery shopping today, right?”
“Sort of,” Twilight responded, turning around. “I’m just getting a few things for Pinkie.”
“Oh! Well, that’s mighty kind o’ ya!”
“I suppose. I just hope I can get this all done quickly so I can go back home and catch up on my reading. Not that I don’t like helping out a friend, but… well, you know how Pinkie is,” she said, shrugging.
“Yeah, ah hear ya. Ah suppose she wants some apples, right?”
Applejack propped up a whole basket of apples for Twilight to select from. Twilight thoroughly scanned the list for apples.
“No, it looks she doesn’t need any apples.”
THAT’S when Applejack’s entire world stopped. Her pupils shrunk, her left shoulder twitched up, and her entire perception went wonky. It was as if her brain had just snapped.
“Doesn’t… doesn’t need any apples!?” she stammered. Her left eye began twitching rapidly. “We… well, why ever not?”
“She’s going on about something to do with cherries, this big thing she’s making. What was it called? A… cherry chimichanga? Chimi-cherry-changa?”
Applejack’s teeth clenched. Just that combination of words alone triggered a horrible memory in her noggin, as Pinkie Pie’s words started echoing clear as day.
“Cherrychanga or chimicherry? Or what if I combine them? Chimicherrychanga! Say it with me! Pickle barrel kumquat, pickle barrel kumquat, pickle barrel kumquat, chimicherrychanga!”
“NOOOO! MAKE IT STOP, MAKE IT STOP!”
“Huh?” said Twilight, tilting her head.
“Uhh… nothin’. Nothin’.” Applejack chuckled lightly. “Have, uh… have fun with your shoppin’ there, Twilight.”
“Riiight. Thanks, AJ.”
Though looking rather concerned for her friend, Twilight trekked on to continue fulfilling Pinkie’s demands. AJ smiled politely as she left, but then crouched underneath her stand and started breathing heavily when Twilight was gone.
“Doesn’t need any apples…” she repeated to herself. “Why, ah remember promisin’ her that we’d be more than happy to donate some apples for her to tinker with! But noooo! Instead, she decides to pursue that, thar… thing! Talk about loyalty to your friends!” she stated angrily.
As she stood back up, it was pretty obvious that Applejack had completely cracked. She was starting to get that crazy look in her eye…
“And maybe somepony oughta do something about this…” she giggled. “After all, she’s gotta buy some apples! Everypony needs to BUY SOME APPLES!”
Be afraid, Pinkie Pie. Be very, very afraid.
“Our own Pinkie Pie, Ponyville’s resident clown, crack-up…”
Speaking of Pinkie Pie and being afraid…
“Fast-forward.”
“…right, Pinkamena Diane Pie is… creating her own cherry-themed instrument of danger!”
“Fast-forward.”
“Sunset Shimmer, described Pinkie’s ‘cherry bomb’ as something that will REVOLUTIONIZE THE ENTIRE INDUSTRY!”
It’s not easy being the chief of a government spy agency. In fact, it might damn well be one of the most stressful jobs in the world. Having to organize covert operations, dealing with dangerous criminals, trying to cover up as much scary business from the public eye as possible, agents going rogue…
It’s surprising how often that happens, actually.
But most of all, most other ponies don’t have to face this great terror. The pink pony with a plan, an air of mystery, and a lingering scent of disaster waiting to be released from its bottle. The kind of terror that leaves one sleepless at night, worried and paranoid. And having to deal with the laughter of his colleagues and wife, because dude: you’re scared of a freaking pink party pony.
“The pink one!” he uttered in a dramatic tone, shutting off the tape recorder. He levitated his cup of coffee up and took a sip. “For too long, she has eluded our grasps. Agent 22419-7B-Delta! Come.”
A well-dressed and devilishly handsome stallion entered the Chief’s office, his brown mane combed to a perfectly suave style, and his smile giving off a sense of confidence and yet maybe even a little cockiness. He was the top agent of the organization, though, so it’s not like he didn’t have a lot to be cocky about. However, the smile dropped as he came in.
“I do have a name, Chief,” he said deadpan.
“Right! I knew that! ... What is it again?”
He sighed. “Rudolfo Ramirez, sir. I’m the only Mexicoltan agent in this entire organization, and your brother-in-law. How do you never remember my name?”
“Well, I hate my sister. But that’s not important right now, or ever. I have a job for you.” Chief O’Hara tossed some black-and-white photographs of the terrorist Rudolfo’s way. “You know Pinkamena. The menace stationed in Ponyville.”
Rudolfo gazed at the photographs, but shook his head and lowered his sunglasses. Evidently, this wasn’t the first time she had been brought to his attention.
“I still don’t fully understand what’s so dangerous about her, sir.”
“Are you kidding me, Agent!?” O’Hara bellowed. “Look at this picture! The face of EVIL!” he flashed a picture of her right in his face.
“She… has a nice smile,” Rudolfo admitted, shrugging his shoulders.
“There is much wickedness hiding behind that smile, Agent! I’ve been watching her for months now, knowing that she’s up to something! And it seems now she’s finally revealed herself to us.”
O’Hara got up and stared out of his window blinds, thinking himself some sort of stereotypical noir film character, I guess. “Agent Stone has infiltrated a group of eccentric cherry farmers, and they’ve revealed something terrible. She’s creating a powerful new weapon, one of potential mass destruction. A CHERRY BOMB.”
Agent Rudolfo, finally realizing the seriousness of this situation, dropped the sarcastic act and looked again at the photographs. He was now looking at them with the same fear building up as in Chief O’Hara.
“What would you have me do, sir? I’ll do whatever it takes to upkeep the balance in Equestria, and stamp out the evil. The evil that lies within all of us, waiting to …”
“Tch. Still quite the one for cheesy prose, are we, Rudolfo?” Chief O’Hara hunched over his desk. “The pink one must be stopped before she harms innocent civilians with her technology. Agent Pixley!”
“Rudolfo!”
“WHATEVER! I’m sending you down to Ponyville!” He slammed his hoof down on the table. “Collect whatever intel you can on the pink one, so we can take her down! Nopony shall deploy for battle with a ‘cherry bomb’ on my watch! THIS. ENDS. TONIGHT.”
“Troops deploy for battle! Cherry bombs ready!”
The members of the National Equestrian Society of Cherry Pioneers now had their WAR FACES READY! Army hats! Red and yellow-colored military uniforms! Magazines of cherry seeds! That… weird paint that soldiers always put on their cheeks for some reason!
Stored in their saddlebags were their ultimate secret weapons, however. They looked like oversized cherries with overly long stems. However, the stems were fitted with flammable ends on them, and strange gray pods were stuffed inside the cherries.
“What are we fighting for, ladies and gentlecolts?” C.T. asked.
“CHERRIES!” they responded.
She put her hoof down on the wooden floor. “What is our domain?”
“CHERRIES!”
“What is the greatest fruit alive?”
“ORANGES!”
“Wait, what?”
“Uhh, we mean… CHERRIES!”
“Exactly!”
The Cherryteers whooped and cheered as they prepared to head out into battle. C.T. again raised her hood slightly, this time to fit military goggles over her eyes.
“I’m comin’ for ya, Pie.”
A wicked smile crept up her lips as she started laughing evilly…
“A-ha-ha… A-HA-HA-HA! A-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAA!”
…and then stopped to scratch her mustache.
“Come on, Apple Bloom! Help me out here!”
Applejack was back on her farm, stuffing a multitude of apples into a series of duffel bags. Why duffel bags? Who knows.
Her little sister Apple Bloom was handing off apples to her in baskets to toss in, despite her concern for her sister’s intentions… as well as her sanity.
“Umm, sis? Ah don’t get it. Ah thought Pinkie Pie was our friend.”
“That’s what I thought too, little sis,” Applejack bemoaned. “Until she betrayed the Apple Family way!”
“Right… ah still don’t get it,” Apple Bloom replied. “Why are ya taking such offense just because she’s makin’ something to do with cherries?”
“It ain’t about the fruit, Apple Bloom. It’s the principle of it all! If we don’t convince her to stay loyal to our product, then, then… she could start a revolution, and soon all our friends would start swaying away from tradition! What if Twilight wants to eat a peach, or Spike decides that he likes pears all of a sudden? They’ll destroy all of Equestria’s apple business and ruin the foundations of traditional produce!”
Apple Bloom blinked a couple of times.
“…Ya sure ya ain’t blowin’ this just a little out of proportion?”
“There’s a time and a place for every fruit, little sis,” said AJ. “But right now, evil is a-brewin’. Rainbow Dash always stands for loyalty, and so must I.” She proudly put a hoof to her heart, and then continued pushing the apples in.
Apple Bloom rolled her eyes.
Something was brewing indeed. Evil? That isn’t certain yet, for the mad scientist was still at work, bringing her terrible monster to life.
An idea that perhaps should’ve never been, but like so many, is causing change in the world already. For blessed are the cherrymakers.
“Oh, boy! I bet everypony is just going to LOVE my chimicherrychangas!”
The clock is ticking, for soon the hour of the cherry will be at hand.
The scene was set. It was a harmonious day, and there wasn't a cloud to be seen in the sky. Not a cloud that is, except for one hovering above the rest, radiating a sense of joy and creativity.
Rainbow Dash’s house was one of her proudest achievements. She had hoof-sculpted the whole structure together with her father. It screamed sophistication with its Greek-inspired design, but was also unique in its lopsided tower and cascading rainbow pools. Several of Rainbow’s friends and colleagues have admitted being jealous of her awesome abode.
And as for Rainbow Dash herself, she was up high in the foyer, watering the flowers that grew up close to the ceiling.
“Ahh, there we go,” she said peacefully as she finished up. “These chrysanthemums are looking better than ever before.” Taking a breath of fresh air, she began flying back down towards her couch. “Now I can finally take a break, and get some well-deserved relaxation.”
But just as she had stretched her arms out and gotten comfortable, the doorbell rang.
“Huh? I wonder who that could be?”
Rainbow went over to open the door and gasped happily when she saw who it was.
“Pinkie Pie!”
Pinkie Pie was at Rainbow’s door, dressed as a Filly Scout… except that NO FILLY SCOUT SHOULD WEAR AN OUTFIT LIKE THAT.
“Hey there, miss,” said Pinkie Pie in an unusually sultry voice. “I’m selling candy door-to-door. Mind if I… come in?”
“Of course, right this way,” said Rainbow Dash. “Don’t forget to wipe your shoes first.”
“Ohhh, actually, if you don’t mind, my hooves are feeling pretty… HOT. I’d better kick these heels right off.” And so she did.
“So, how can I help you?”
“What was that?” asked Pinkie.
“I said…” Rainbow cleared her throat. “What do you want me to do?”
“Well, you see, it’s a special kind of candy,” Pinkie answered, taking some strange deep breaths between sentences. “The kind that… money just can’t buy.”
“What is it?”
“Toola-Roola,” she said. They were walking up the stairs now, towards a very particular room. “Very rare brand, practically… one of a kind…”
“What is it like?”
“It’s pink, and fluffy… and very, very… slimy.”
The door to Rainbow Dash’s bedroom slowly creaked open.
“Do you want the toola-roola, Rainbow Dash?”
“I do.”
“Oh, I don’t know…” Pinkie moaned, as she sat Rainbow down on her own bed. “I don’t usually like to give this candy to just anypony, especially not a goody-goody two-shoes.”
“What are you saying?” asked Rainbow.
“I tend to reward mares who are a little more…” she raised an eyebrow. “…naughty.”
“Oh, but I am naughty.”
“Are you? Are you really really really naughty?”
“Yes, I’m very naughty. In fact…” Rainbow was practically lying down on the bed now. “I’ve been a very, very bad girl…”
“Then… you deserve what’s coming.” She opened up the candy box.
“It’s… beautiful.”
“Then put it on, Dashy...” said Pinkie in her bedroom eyes.
“Oh, but Pinkie… I think you should try it first.”
“Well, if you insist…”
Pinkie Pie leaned in closer to Rainbow Dash, to the point where she was practically hovering over her.
“Oh, Rainbow Dash… Rainbow Dash…”
“RAINBOW DASH!”
“Huh? What?”
“Are you listening to me?” asked Scootaloo.
The two of them were sitting on a cloud together. How Scootaloo can sit on a cloud when she’s still flightless as a dodo, I’ll never know. Rainbow had been caught with her hoof in her mouth… literally, lost in her bizarre fantasy.
“Uhhhhh… what were you talking about again?”
“I was just saying, now that you’re applying for the Wonderbolts Academy and all that, I was wondering if maybe you could write me a letter of recommendation for their foals’ division, the Wonder Scouts!”
“Oh, uh, yeah, sure. Whatever you want, kiddo.” Rainbow was trying to be nice, but as Scootaloo rambled on, her mind kept drifting back to Pinkie Pie.
“Once I get into the Wonder Scouts, I’ll finally get my wings off the ground, and then I can start learning some cool tricks and moves…”
That luscious pink mane, like cotton candy. I could just eat it right up…
“You could show me some too! We could hang out all the time, and catch up on some sweet tricks…”
Pinkie’s laugh… THAT laugh...
There was no greater sound in all of Equestria, Rainbow decided.
“And we’ll be like two awesome Wonderbolt Sisters-in-Training! Wouldn’t that just be awesome?”
“Dashy… Oh, Dashy… Such a silly-billy!”
“I’ll be the best Junior Wonderbolt ever! Chikka-chikka-yeah!”
“Wait… ‘chikka-chikka-yeah’?” Rainbow repeated, snapping back to reality. “Is that really a thing? Do you foals actually say that now?”
“…Yes?”
But poor Rainbow Dash was just too distracted by the sexy to keep focusing.
“Ugh, look kid,” she said. “It was nice chatting with ya, but… I gotta go stop Pinkie before she makes a terrible mistake!” Suddenly, she sped off. “We’ll talk another time, okay?”
…
“What just happened?” asked Scootaloo, to nopony in particular.
Some stallions are born brave. Others find the braveness within them. Heroes are around us every day, working hard to protect ponies’ lives, keep the peace, and look totally bodacious while doing it.
Agent Rudolfo could’ve just taken the train. But that’s what a little wimp would do. No, a true badass like Rudolfo jumps out of a helicopter, taking a graceful dive into the clouds below, accidentally knocking off an orange filly on her way down…
“Waaaahhh!”
Ehh, that’s okay. She can probably just fly anyway.
Rudolfo opened up his parachute to descend onto the town square. You’d think somepony would have looked up at the strange pony in a business suit and sunglasses coming down on a bright orange parachute. But to be fair, Ponyville has seen much stranger sights.
Like Cerberus. That was pretty out there.
“Agent’s log, 13:00. I have arrived in Ponyville, the residence of my targeted hostile. Now begins phase two of the operation. I must gather intel on Pinkamena Diane Pie and find out as much info as I can about her diabolical plans before signaling the chief to bring troops in.”
“As we speak, I am observing a lavender unicorn carrying a massive bag of cherry fruits. How peculiar. Perhaps I should move in and conduct an interrogation… incognito.”
Twilight Sparkle hummed to herself as she loaded some packets of cumin, cinnamon, and oregano into her bag and moved on to the next item in Pinkie Pie’s exceedingly long grocery list. Just as she was approaching the cheese stand however, a teenage girl… or something in a blonde wig, walked up to her.
“Like, OMG, hi guuuuurl! How you doin’ today?” she said in an obnoxious teenage-like voice.
“Umm, hi. Do I… know you?”
“Why, it’s me, like, your best friend’s… older sister’s… best friend’s… girlfriend, Plucky Perm!” ‘Plucky’ put her hoof around Twilight’s shoulder. “Remember? We met at my uncle’s Disco Rodeo last Sunday, and it was SO fab!”
“Wait, I have five best friends, and, well, none of them have an older sister… that I know of,” said Twilight. “And what the hay is a Disco Rodeo?”
“Well, you have some memory issues then, like, for realsies,” said ‘Plucky’, making a weird hoof gesture. Her attention turned to Twilight’s potato bag full of cherries. “Say, what’s in the bag? That’s a whole lot of cherries!”
“Uhh, yeah. They’re… for Pinkie, she’s making something at Sugarcube Corner…”
“Oh my gosh, so cool!”
“Yeeeeah, and, she really needs these right now, so… I’d better go! Nice talking with you!” Twilight was quick to get out of that uncomfortable situation as soon as possible.
Agent Rudolfo took off the creepy wig and spoke on his wrist communicator.
“She’s at a place called the Sugarcube Corner, Chief. Send backup, over.”
“Roger that, over.” Chief O’Hara picked up the office phone. “Agent Roger, get those troops over, over.”
“Roger that, over.” Agent Roger levitated a walkie-talkie with his magic from inside his station. “Agent Over, start rounding them up, over!”
“Roger that, Roger! Over!”
“Good job, Over! Over!”
Meanwhile back in Ponyville, Roseluck was trying to teach her puppy new tricks.
“Roll over, Roger! ROLL OVER!”
“Arf arf!”
“And that was the first time I had ever done it with a melon!”
Bon Bon and Lyra Heartstrings were both in stitches. These two “““friends””” were having a nice spot of afternoon tea with their best friend, Carrot Top, inside their nice home in Ponyville. It was an Earl Gray brew. Lyra’s tea had a lemon wedge in it, Bon Bon’s was a lime. Carrot Top was stirring a carrot in hers, and it was so steaming hot that the bubbles inside it-- wait, why am I going into so much detail about TEA?
“Golly gee, Carrot Top! You tell the funniest stories sometimes!” said Bon Bon. “…Even if I still don’t believe they’re true.”
“Hey, believe what you want, Bon Bon. But as I keep telling you, I lead an interesting life.”
“Oh, of course. Granted, being a carrot farmer in itself is still more exciting than just selling sweets to ponies all day long… You have it easy, Lyra.”
Lyra spit out her tea. “Hey now, have you ever tried to play the harp with hooves, Bon Bon? It’s a lot harder than you think it is! It takes years of training and practice to master… hoove-playing.”
“As opposed to what? What else would you play a harp with?” Bon Bon retorted. Lyra looked around awkwardly in response.
“Soooo, either of you gals heard about Pinkie Pie’s new invention?” Carrot Top pried, raising an eyebrow.
“Oh yeah, I think I heard her ranting about it the other day. Something about… cherries or something?”
Lyra spit her tea again, except now she had a strange look on her face and coughed a little as she spewed.
“Kind of silly when you think about it, right Lyra?”
“Oh, uh… yeah. Right. Totally!” Lyra replied, suddenly giggling nervously and speaking with a hint of anxiety. “Heh-heh. Silly, yeah… cherries are silly.”
“I see…” Carrot Top suddenly stood up and glanced at the clock. “Well, uh… Would you look at the time! I’ve gotta to go, umm, water those carrots now!” And she dashed out of there faster than Bon Bon could say ‘ta-ta for now.’
“Huh. That was weird. I wonder what--”
“I NEED TO GO PRACTICE MY HARP NOW, BYE!” Lyra sped out the door too.
“…As was that.”
As soon as she had slammed the door, Lyra immediately began twitching and convulsing all over, breathing at a rapid pace. She began sprinting down the street with a fierce look in her eyes.
“Phew, that was close! Can’t let Bon Bon know about my problem! Cherries! CHERRIES!” she barked. “Where are they!? MUST. FIND. THE CHERRIES.”
…Is everypony in this town psychotic? But anyway, while that was going on, Carrot Top peeked out from behind another pony’s house and started speaking into a walkie-talkie as she walked.
“This is the madame reporting,” she stated. “The les-pony couple knows nothing. That, or they’re playing ignorant. I can’t assess that right now, they’re probably too busy assessing each other’s asses. Meet me here on South Street, the side adjacent to the town squa—Oof!”
A collision ensued between her and another pony.
“Oh! So sorry, Carrot Top, I didn’t see you there!” said Twilight Sparkle.
“That’s okay.” Carrot Top dusted herself off and shook her mane... scattering some orange dust around for some reason.
“Say, who were you just talking to?”
“Uhh, nopony! Who were you just talking to?”
“…You?”
Carrot Top sighed. “Sorry, Twilight. I’m just a little bit on edge right now, one of my carrots just died recently, and well… I haven’t been the same since.” She glanced around at her surroundings, but her interest seemed to peek significantly when she snuck a peek at Twilight’s hefty load of groceries. “In fact, I think I could use a bit of a pick-me-up. Something sweet… from Sugarcube Corner! Do you know if Pinkie’s there right now?”
“She is but… today’s Sunday. They’re closed on Sundays.”
“Oh. Darn.” Carrot wracked at her noggin, as if trying to come up with another idea. “Well, I know Pinkie Pie is a good friend. She’ll give me a cupcake if I ask nicely, right?”
“Actually, Pinkie’s working on an experiment right now. She wants to create some kind of… chimi-cherry… thing,” Twilight explained. “I’m bringing her some ingredients from the market, and then, I think she’s probably going to be really busy.”
But Carrot Top for whatever reason wasn’t going to take no for an answer. She stood up straight and started advancing on Twilight, forcing Twilight to start stepping backwards.
“Twilight, I’m demanding that you take me to Sugarcube Corner.”
“Why is everypony so interested in seeing Pinkie at Sugarcube Corner today? First that weird teenage mare, and now you?” Twilight stepped away from Carrot Top’s increasingly creepy advances. “I’m-I’m sorry, but I can’t! It just wouldn’t be fair to Pinkie Pie to have you guys drop in uninvited! I’ve gotta go!”
She tried to leave, but Carrot Top gripped her by the flank. OH, DEAR.
“You don’t understand! I have a heart condition, and…”But then she gasped, and grasped her heart suddenly as she tumbled, tumbled to the ground. “Oh, no! Oh, no, it’s going! I think… my heart… HAS STOPPED!”
Carrot Top was slipping into unconsciousness now, struggling to even keep her poor green eyes open.
“Oh my goodness! We have to get you to a hospital!” Twilight clamored. She tried to grab Carrot Top by the half, but she wouldn’t budge.
“No! There’s no time! Only one of Pinkie Pie’s legendary, blood-pumping candy burritos can help me now! You must take me there! Before I perish from this world forever!” She started spasming awkwardly and flailed her arms about. “OHHHH, THE AGONY! BURNING, BURNING AND TORMENT!”
It was such a silly performance. So silly in fact, that Twilight saw right through it.
“Forget it,” she said, and went back to her list.
“It’s too late for me now,” Carrot Top continued, in the most melodramatic voice she could muster. “My vision’s going black, life flashing before my eyes, all those carrot seeds I never got to plant! Wasted! WASTED! Ohhh, why? Goodbye… cruel, cruel Equestria.”
And thus… the mare known as Carrot Top did bite the bullet.
Tragic, as it always is. Taken cruelly from this world before her time by a sudden heart attack. A lesson to be learned by all, on eating nothing but carrots your entire life. No calcium. No protein. Just those weird chemicals that can eventually turn your skin orange if you eat too much of them.
“Oh, no.” A strange looking stallion with cherries for a Cutie Mark and a bobbed black mane rushed over to mourn. “Say it ain’t so! OH, CHE—I MEAN, CARROT TOP! WHY’D YOU HAVE TO LEAVE US SO SOON!?”
“Ow!”
He was met with a slap in the face from Carrot Top, who quickly got up and brushed herself off.
“I’m not dead, Cherry Strudel. I just decided to fake my own death,” she explained.
“Oh. But why?”
Carrot Top squeezed him close and whispered, “Once we’ve exposed ourselves, there’s no going back. Best to let the world think I’m dead now than to go through an embarrassing situation later.”
“Oh. Sooo, how did the reconnaissance go?”
“I’ve found out everything I needed to. Round up the rest of the group and tell them to prepare equipment and resources for Procedure… Cherry Bomb.”
“Is it just me, or is everypony acting really weird today? If I see any more crazy ponies around here, I think I’m going to--”
Now, Twilight Sparkle was met by… probably the strangest sight of them all. Lyra Heartstrings stood at the other end of the street, slowly walking towards her. But something was horribly wrong.
For one thing, she was foaming at the mouth. Her eye was twitching, and her mane was all defrazzled. She walked awkwardly too, almost like a zombie or a disoriented dog. The smile she flashed at Twilight was… beyond creepy.
Once she was finally mere inches away from Twilight, Lyra just stood there, knees trembling, still foaming at the mouth, and exhaling heavily.
“Umm… hi, Lyra.”
“Hey there, Twilight.” Almost like the voice of a back-alley creep. “Nice weather we’re having today, isn’t it?”
“Yes. It’s a perfect day out. Nice day for shopping.” She chuckled nervously, trying to look for a way out from this psycho.
“Those are some, uhh, some nice CHERRIES you got there, Twilight.”
“Thank you…?”
“It sure would be a shame if… something were to happen to these cherries…” Lyra was stroking Twilight’s potato bag in a very awkward manner. “Where are you going with all of these ch-ch-cherries, anyway?”
Twilight gulped. “Well, they’re for Pinkie, and--”
“Pinkie Pie, huh?” She pressed her nose to Twilight’s. “Where? WHERE IS SHE?”
“She’s at Sugarcube Corner! And before you ask, I can’t--”
“Sugarcube Corner, huh?” Now she backed away, and sat down on the ground. “That’s nice… That’s really nice… Well, you carry on with that shopping, Twilight. I’ll just be over here, not following you at all. Have fun with those… those cherries.”
Twilight gave a nervous smile, and then sprinted away like a bullet. Lyra continued to sit for… a good minute or so, and then started bouncing in Twilight’s direction, still sitting on the ground… and still foaming at the mouth.
But she wasn’t hopping for very long.
“Owww… Hey, watch where you’re going!”
“Oh, hey Rainbow Dash,” said Lyra from underneath her. “Where are you off to in such a hurry?”
Rainbow shook the dust off and prepared to take off again. “I’ve got to find Pinkie Pie, before it’s too late!”
“Pinkie Pie? OH!” Lyra remembered. “She’s, uh… she’s at Sugarcube Corner, so says Twilight and her… ginormous bag of… CHERRIES…” She started breathing heavy again.
“Thanks for the tip, Lyra! I’M OFF!”
Rainbow spread out her wings and thrusted forward. However some force was keeping her tethered to the ground. Lyra had grabbed onto her legs.
“WAIT!” Lyra begged. “TAKE ME WITH YOU!”
“Huh? No way! You’re totally gonna slow me down! Besides, you’re kind of creeping me out right now.”
“PLEASE!”
“GET OFF!” Rainbow shouted, trying to wriggle herself free. Eventually, she did start to gain distance, but she was dragging Lyra along the ground in the process.
“YOU MUST!”
“NNG! I SAID, LET GO!”
“THINK OF THE CHERRIES!”
Meanwhile, in story twelve, Agent Rudolfo had re-donned the creepy teenager disguise and was now heading down the road to Sugarcube Corner. But then he stopped and hid behind a cow when he stopped a ghastly sight.
The National Equestrian Society of Cherry Pioneers was marching down the same road from a different path. They marched six to a row, clad in their military uniforms and armed with their arsenal of Cherry Bombs.
Strangely, they weren’t being led by their robed, mustachioed leader from the bunker, but by Carrot Top of all ponies, now sporting an army hat and face paint of her own. She had a cherry stem in her teeth like a toothpick.
As soon as he was sure they had passed, Agent Rudolfo opened a channel on his wristwatch.
“Chief O’Hara, we’re in trouble, and I might need that backup pronto! The Soviets are in on this too!”
The Chief sighed on the other end.
“All right. I’ll send those agents down as fast as I can, but you must get to Pinkamena before they do!” he clarified. “Remember, I want her brought to me… ALIVE.”
“Oh, alive. Of course. Because if you hadn’t said that, I totally would’ve just pulled out my gun and shot her dead.”
“There’s no need to be sarcastic with me, agent.”
“I, uh… I actually wasn’t being sarcastic, sir,” he said sheepishly. He tucked his gun into his coat pocket.
Soooo, while all those parties were converging on point zero, Twilight Sparkle, somehow, made it to Sugarcube Corner first. The ingredients for Pinkie’s product were so much at this point that she had to pull them all in because the load wouldn’t even fit through the door.
Pinkie Pie burst open the door and ran over to greet her friend, wearing her trendy chef’s hat and a red-stained apron that read, “If you don’t like the food, I’ll have to bake you into cupcakes!”
“Twilight, you’re back! Did ya get the stuff?”
“I think so. I got your cherries, the special flour, rice mix, bacon bits… and all the other stuff you asked for.”
Pinkie Pie inspected the groceries one-by-one, tossing them willy-nilly, and pulled out a bag of flour. She looked puzzled by it.
“Oh. You did get flour. … Well, I guess that’s fine too!”
“Huh? Wait, then what did you mean by white powde—”
“I guess now I can finally get crackin’ on those chimicherrychangas!” She bounced off into the kitchen, leaving a nonplussed Twilight behind to try to make sense of what just happened.
She didn’t think too hard though, before Pinkie burst back out.
“Come on, Twilight! You can help! It’ll be fun!”
They spent the next few hours preparing the goods together, which seemed to ultimately culminate in Pinkie Pie doing all the baking while Twilight just fetched her ingredients and carried the heavy stuff.
But eventually, a single rectangular concoction of bread, cherries, cheese, parsley, and… all that other stuff, was wrapped into a spicy tortilla and tossed into the oven.
The two friends proceeded to wait out in the main room while the chimicherrychanga cooked. Neither of them said a word, they just… sat there with no other sound but the clock. Just the clock, going tick-tock.
Tick-tock.
Tick-tock.
Tick-tock.
“So, written any new letters to Princess Celestia lately?” But then Twilight shushed her.
“Do you… hear that?”
There was a faint rumbling sound in the distance.
“Sounds like a stampede of angry, armed cherry farmers!”
“R-really?”
“Either that, or just a rumbly in my tummy!”
The door was busted open by Carrot Top with a battering ram. She tossed it aside and marched in, accompanied by the Cherryteers. They all came in single-file and moved into a formation. Once they had all assembled, Carrot Top lowered her military goggles, fished out a baseball bat, and pointed it in Pinkie Pie’s general direction.
“Nope, it’s just angry, armed cherry farmers!”
“Pinkamena Diane Pie, we’ve got a bone to pick with you!” Carrot Top declared.
“Don’t you mean a cherry to pick with me? Hee-hee!”
“What?” said Carrot Top.
“What?”
“Carrot Top? What are you doing here?” asked Twilight.
Carrot Top dropped the bat and gave a coy smile.
“Oh, but that’s just it, Twilight. I was never really just a measly old carrot-gardening background pony. The truth is, there is no Carrot Top!”
Carrot Top removed the goggles and jumped up into the air, making a dramatic pose. Lightning struck from above, and transformed Carrot Top into her true form. Donning the black robe, she was now the same C.T. from the cherry pioneers’ bunker.
Her orange and green color scheme was swapped out for beige and red. Her green eyes became golden. The bunch of carrots on her Cutie Mark became a pair of cherries, and the red mustache re-appeared on her muzzle.
Her voice was now just slightly deeper than her Carrot Top voice.
“There is only CHERRY TOP, Equestria’s greatest cherry tycoon, and the leader of the National Equestrian Society of Chery Pioneers!” She picked up the bat again and started beating it in her hooves. “Surrender your recipes to us, Pinkie Pie, and acknowledge us as the one and true league of cherry pioneers, or face the wrath of our CHERRY BOMBS!”
The Cherryteers each grabbed a Cherry Bomb from their arsenal, ready to chuck it at will.
Pinkie gasped as the camera zoomed in dramatically on her face.
“WHAT A TWEEST!”
“Speaking of twists…” said a voice from outside.
Just then, several ponies in black suits busted in from the windows with their fancy karate kicks. There were about six of them (one for each window) and they all surrounded Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie on both sides. All of them dug out a stun gun and pointed them at the duo.
Among them was the ever-cunning Agent Rudolfo Ramirez.
“So, we meet at last… pink one,” said Agent Rudolfo.
“Huh? Ponies in black business suits?” Pinkie gasped. “You’re the Colts in Black! That must mean there’s an alien in our midst, right? Who is it? Who’s the alien in disguise? Is it Cherry Jubilee?” She gasped… again. “Is it Twilight? Oh my gosh, Twilight, you’re an alien!?”
“What? No—”
“TWILIGHT!” Pinkie started shaking her violently. “Why didn’t you ever tell us you were an alien from another planet sent here to spy on us and report your findings on friendships and cupcakes to your evil alien overlord in a distant galaxy far, far away!?”
“Because I’m not,” said Twilight, pushing her away.
“Your mind games won’t work on us, pink one. You have something we want.”
“YOU’LL NEVER TAKE MY STASH!”
“Stash? What stash?” asked Rudolfo, lowering his sunglasses. “We’re just talking about your experiments in cherry weaponizing.”
“Ohhhh,” Pinkie said, giving a sigh of relief.
“Wait, what do you mean by cherry weaponizing?” asked Twilight.
Rudolfo turned to her scornfully. “What are you, an accessory to her diabolical ways? I see she’s already trained you in the ways of facading!”
“I don’t think that’s a real word—”
“But you can’t trick us!” he continued. “We are agents of Equestria’s prime and noble secret organization, the Celestial Intervention Agency!”
As if on cue, the other six agents jumped up in the air, landed with their legs spread out, and shouted, “YO!”
“The Celestial Intervention Agency?” Twilight repeated. “Wait… I’ve heard of you guys! I thought Princess Celestia shut that group down because she decided that weapons and espionage had no place in Equestrian affai—”
“That-- that’s… classified information!” Agent Rudolfo asserted, clearly trying to shush her. “All right, so maybe we’re operating a bit, ‘unofficially’, and we’re just waiting to seize a big conspiracy so we can regain the Princess’s respect. But that’s not important right now! The point is, we know about your secret experiments, and we’re here to shut you and your cherry bombs down! SEAL THE AREA!”
Five of the agents got to work locking down the windows, which had magically regenerated somehow, while the sixth fished out a large plank to bar the front door with.
“Cherry bombs? You mean like… these?” said Cherry Fizzy, holding up her bomb.
“Yes, exactly!” Rudolfo replied, nodding. “…Wait a minute.”
“WAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIT!” shouted another voice.
The sixth agent hadn’t even finished locking down the last window before Rainbow Dash swooped in.
“PINKIE PIE! WAIT UP! YOU CAN’T!”
She rolled along the ground, and then stopped short just in front of Twilight and Pinkie. In a strangely uncharacteristic move, she then BUCKED Twilight away and embraced Pinkie Pie.
“Oh, thank goodness! I made it just in time to stop you!”
“Oh, hey, Rainbow Dash!” Pinkie cheerfully greeted. Just then, the oven timer rang from inside. “You’re just in time! Wait right there!”
She hopped back into the kitchen, and all the parties gathered just… stood there, looking dumbfounded.
“Huh?”
Twilight was struggling to get up after that buck-in-the-face.
“Rainbow, what the he--”
But then Pinkie Pie came out of the kitchen, with a steaming, scrumptious looking entrée on her plate. She proudly showed it off to her now not-so-secret admirer.
“Look, I finally popped that cherry that I was talking about! See? Looks tasty, doesn’t it?”
Rainbow just shook her head in confusion.
“Wait… you mean… when you said ‘popping your cherry’, you just meant…” She gulped. “Baking cherry-themed goods?”
“Yup! And I think it came out scrumptiously!” Pinkie innocently replied. “So, wanna try out my treat?”
“Look! She’s threatening that sexually confused pony with her deadly weapon! LET’S GET HER!” shouted Rudolfo.
The six agents all took out guns and got ready to pounce them all. But then, ALL the action ceased when another loud rumbling occurred.
Out of nowhere, the ROOF was smashed in, as the top gun of a freaking MILITARY TANK leered in and positioned itself straight at Pinkie Pie.
And who was at the helm of this large and inconspicuous tank? Why, none other than Applejack!
“BUY SOME APPLES‼”
“HI, APPLEJACK!”
That’s right. All logic was now officially out the window.
“Applejack, what are you—”
“Stay out of this, Twilight! This is just between me and Pinkie Pie! She’s betrayed the ways of the apple, and now she must pay!”
“Oooh, nice tank!” Pinkie commented, rubbing the gun with her dishrag. “The E-100’s kind of a shabby model, especially with its poor tire traction, but it’s still nifty!”
Twilight was trying to drag Pinkie away from this chaos.
“Pinkie, come on! We’ve gotta get out of here!”
“Huh? But why?” Pinkie whined. “The party’s just getting started, and now we have enough ponies here to throw one for realsies! CHIMICHERRYCHANGAS FOR EVERYPONY!”
“Wait a minute… chimicherry-whatta?” Rudolfo inquired, lowering his sunglasses again.
“Chimicherrychanga! My magnum opus!” Pinkie responded. “The greatest delicacy to be spun-off of the greatest delicacy in all of Mexicolt! More terrific than a pineapple taco! More bodacious than a lemon burrito! THE CHIMICHERRYCHANGA!” And so, she held her ‘magnum opus’ up in all its majesty. “Copyright to Pinkie Pie of Sugarcube Corner, all rights reserved,” she said rapidly and quietly.
Agent Rudolfo was scratching his head. “Are you saying that it’s NOT a weapon?”
“Well, of course not, silly-willy! Here, try it for yourself!”
“Hmm, well… I haven’t had lunch today…”
“Give me that!” Cherry Top demanded. Just as Rudolfo was about to accept Pinkie Pie’s baked good of delight, she snatched it from Pinkie’s hooves.
“Our leader has been successful in acquiring the cherry menace’s instrument of terror!” Cherry Strudel declared. “Now we can destroy the evidence and crush this rebellion once and for all!”
“Now hold up a minute!” Applejack snapped from above. “Truth is, you’re all goin’ down, because ah’m actually a member of the Fillydelphian Agency of Fruit Affairs!”
“Wait, really!?” said Twilight.
“Well… no, actually. Shucks, it’s just that, everypony else here was working for a secret organization thingy and ah was just here because ah wanted y’all to BUY SOME APPLES. Plum silly when you get right down to it.”
“You’re ALL being silly!” Rainbow shouted. “Right, Fluttershy?”
“Umm, I’m not even in this story, Rainbow.”
“Exactly! All of you!” First, she turned to Agent Rudolfo and his merry band of agents. “A weapon, you guys? Seriously? Where in the hay did you get that idea from!?”
Agent Rudolfo immediately turned to Black Stone. “I concur. You’re fired, Agent Stone.”
“Aww…”
“And you!” said Rainbow, now facing Cherry Top. “What’s your deal anyways, with the whole ‘cherry pioneers’ thing, and the bombs, and the... dark transformation and… mustache…” She was now looking at Cherry Top oddly. “No seriously, what are you even?”
“To be honest… I don’t know anymore,” Cherry Top deeply admitted. “I’m not sure who I am, what my true destiny is… or actually, what I was even thinking.” She gazed at the strange food item in her hooves. “This… chimicherrychanga. I assumed it to be an abomination, a terror to our way of life.”
“But actually…,it is… something much greater…” said Cherry Fizzy.
“Yes, I think I’m beginning to see now…” Cherry Top’s eyes glistened as she stood in deep thought. “This dish would not harm our cherry businesses. Nay, it does not serve to replace cherries, but in fact... is dependent on them in its creation. Therefore, an increase in demand for chimicherrychangas results in… an increase for demand for our cherries!”
“Why, if those things were to sell like hotcakes, then I’d be able to sell mah cherries in bulk in order to help make them!” Cherry Jubilee realized. “Business would be booming!”
“Indeed. I like this idea,” Cherry Top affirmed. “Yes! This is a great idea!” She turned to her loyal cherry pioneers. “All in favor, say aye!”
“AYE!”
“All in favor, say nay!”
“Nay!” said Cherry Strudel.
“GET OUT!”
“Okay.”
“And what about you, AJ?” said Rainbow.
“But… I-- I just… felt so betrayed, Pinkie Pie doin’ those fancy things with cherries, associating herself with other fruits… I thought y’all loved my apples…”
“Applejack, we all love your apples,” Twilight assured. “But the thing is… we need to share our love and appreciation for all fruits, because all fruits in Equestria are created equal to one another.” She climbed up onto Pinkie’s soapbox. “And we should be more open to the alternative fruits out there, rather than just shutting them out and making them seem excluded.”
Applejack shook her head in disbelief.
"But... think about the traditional values at stake..."
“Applejack, come on,” Twilight pleaded. “We live in a new age now, it’s time to forget the past and look to a more open and expanding future!”
“Yeah, and besides, isn’t apple strudel already a thing?” said Rainbow. “You’ve already had a victory of your own, AJ! How about now, you let the cherries have theirs?”
Applejack pulled out a dusty book. “But the Apple Family Bible says--”
“FORGET WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS!” shouted Twilight. AJ slunk down into her tank to think some things over.
“Hey, you know what this calls for?” Pinkie Pie interjected. “MORE CHIMICHERRYCHANGAS!”
“Pinkie, this is hardly the time for--”
But Twilight was interrupted by a gasp of pure terror. The bag full of cherries that Twilight had torn and toiled for… was completely empty.
That is, except for a certain teal-colored mare, her belly gorged out and her mouth full of juicy cherries. Lyra stared awkwardly back up at Pinkie Pie and smiled as best she could through her red-stained teeth.
“Please don’t tell Bon Bon about my addiction to cherries. She’ll think it’s weird.”
“Ummm, does anypony have some cherries I can borrow?”
The eyes of everypony in Cherry Top’s group turned into dollar signs.
Sometime later, the mass confrontation was converted into a full-blown party at Sugarcube Corner. Pinkie Pie whipped up a whole batch of chimicherrychangas, just enough for everypony, and they were eating together at tables. Agents of the agency, cherry pioneers, and ideology-seeking mares alike.
Even Chief O’Hara of the Celestial Intervention Agency had decided to stop sitting at his desk like a bum and show up to this shindig once Agent Rudolfo explained the situation to him. So now, he was seated next to Cherry Top, attempting to chat her up.
“You know, maybe you and I could go into business together.”
“Thanks bub, but I don’t sell out to anypony,” Cherry Top answered, in the middle of delicately combing her mustache.
“Of course… money would be no object.”
Cherry Top tossed her tiny comb and mirror away. “Now I’m intrigued. Continue.”
“With our military and intelligence resources, and your group’s creative means of invention, what with those cherry bombs of yours and all that,” Cherry Top nodded. “We could become an even greater force, us and you. There is much that I could teach you, and much that we can learn from you lot. What do you say, Miss Top?”
Cherry Top pondered this proposal.
“Well, it would help to have some extra leverage in my eternal quest to defeat my ultimate competition… the Apple family.”
“Hmm?”
She leaned in close and whispered. “That sleazy Applejack is the reason I took up disguising myself as a carrot farmer in the first place. If you want to destroy your enemy, you must think like the enemy.”
“I, uh… like your thinking?”
Cherry Top glared to her left, where Applejack had just taken a bite of her chimicherrychanga and was now assessing the taste, whilst taking a gander at its innards.
“Hmmmm… ehh. Ah still think this could go better with apples,” she concluded with a shrug.
As we cut back to Cherry Top, she was now sharpening a carrot with a nail filer, still glaring at Applejack. Chief O’Hara looked uneasy.
“One of these days, Applejack. Mark my words…” she muttered menacingly.
“So, uh… just to make sure we’re on the same page here…” said the Chief. “That mustache is fake, right?”
From across the room, Pinkie Pie licked her lips in anticipation, her gift to the world bestowed upon her plate, a high reward for the high risk. Taking that first bite would be the equivalent of reaching ultimate majesty, the means to--
“CHERRIES!” shouted Lyra, swiping Pinkie’s chimicherrychanga off of her plate.
“Hey! Give that back!”
With a groan, she slumped over and grabbed another chimicherrychanga off the plate. But even before she could dig into that one--
“Snackie, snackie!” Berryshine said giddily, popping up to steal it.
“Quit it!”
Her frustration building, Pinkie angrily dragged the big plate to her side and grabbed the last Chimicherrychanga off of it. Guarding it with her life like a mama bear, she whipped her head around all sides to look for thieves. Once she was sure that it was safe, she held it up to her mouth and prepared to feast.
“MORE CHERRIES!” Nope, taken by Lyra again.
“URRAAAGGGHHH!”
“Hey, uh, Pinkie Pie?” Somepony tapped her on the shoulder. ‘Twas Rainbow Dash. “I um, saved one especially for you. So… here. Take it.”
Pinkie lovingly accepted the chimicherrychanga from her generous hooves.
“Gee, thanks, Rainbow Dash! You’re the best friend a pony could ever have, well except for a dog, but even then, you’re much better than a dog! A dog probably would’ve just eaten it.”
“Of course! I mean, you’re welcome!” Rainbow’s cheeks were quickly flushing red. “But it--it’s not like I like you or anything! I-- BAKAAAAA!”
She quickly sped away in a flash of rainbow, muttering to herself.
“Stupid sexy Pinkie Pie…”
Pinkie just shrugged. “Well, that was weird.”
Meanwhile to her left, Twilight Sparkle was using her magic to write a letter to the Princess.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today, my friends learned all about respecting differences, and how you should never conform yourself to one idea when it makes everypony else uncomfortable and sad, and doesn’t help anything.
Just because a book says that something is wrong or that only one way is right, that doesn’t mean you should take it to heart at the cost of alienating and condemning other ponies for the lifestyles they choose. Sometimes, what you thought of as bad or terrible might not be such a harmful thing after all. We’re all good ponies at heart, and should look at each other for what makes us great on the inside, not on the outside.
Except earth ponies. They’re still scum. Unicorns are master race.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sprinkle Sparkle
“Now, then, did anypony save a Chimicherrychanga for me?” she asked politely. Pinkie Pie handed something to her.
“Here ya go, Twily!”
“Thanks, Pinkie Pi-- wait…” Twilight realized, examining the cherry closely. “This isn’t a Chimicherrychanga! THAT’S A CHERRY BO--”
“Well, Spike, we finally did it. 239 jade emeralds, 164 baby blue sapphires, and 82 topaz stones. Just the number we needed to finish bedazzling that dress! Ohh, Tasha Trinkets will be so impressed with our work!”
Oh, yeah. Forgot these two existed.
“Whatever you say, Rarity,” Spike uttered, struggling to carry the huge baskets of gems on his back. “Personally… I’m starting to get a little sick of hearing about gems right now.”
Spike and Rarity had just finished excavating for gemstones on the mountainside and decided to park themselves momentarily on the hill overlooking Ponyville.
“Ahh, home sweet home! I always love the view of the town from this angle,” Rarity reflected. “I sure hope nothing important happened in Ponyville while we were go--”
-BOOM-
The explosion of a hundred Cherry Bombs rocked the entire valley, and as Rarity and Spike looked down, a gigantic glob of cherry sauce ruptured from inside Sugarcube Corner, and covered the entire town in a thick goop of fruity mush.
A cacophony of screams, panic, and… euphoric delight, erupted throughout the town. A drop of sauce even reached up to the two of them, and hit Spike on the forehead.
“Well… that’s different.” Spike stretched out his tongue to sample the sauce, and smacked his lips. “Hmm, cherry. … Rarity? Are you okay?”
Rarity began rubbing her head, as if some great headache was taking shape in her skull. Gazing at the cherry mess covering Ponyville seemed to be triggering a long suppressed memory.
“Chimicherry or cherrychanga? Chimicherry or cherrychanga? Chimicherry or cherrychanga?”
Rarity clenched her eyes shut and rattled her brain, trying to get rid of the sound.
“I’m fine, it’s just… looking at that mess is bringing back some sort of a familiar… annoying sound in my head… ohhhhh…”
“Pickle barrel kumquat, pickle barrel kumquat, CHIMICHERRYCHANGA!”
“Now that I think about it… I never did get revenge on Rainbow Dash for stranding us in Dodge Junction, did I?” Rarity realized, sounding rather winded. She paused and stepped aside to think out loud. She began snickering. “Hmmm, perhaps giving her a kiss on the lips would do it… Yes. Rainbow’s never been one for affection. I bet that would make for a good prank.” She began giggling to herself at the thought. “What could possibly go wrong?”
Spike glanced back and forth between the scheming Rarity and the saucy town below and gave a long sigh. He looked absolutely defeated.
“Everypony in this town is crazy.”
Indeed they are, Spike. Indeed, they are. But it’s not all in forlorn, for our craziness is also what makes us who we are. It’s what allows us to be creative. It inspires ideas, ponies, and groups. Our motivation drives us to succeed, and everypony in the world is unique in their own special ways.
Tomorrow brings another day, another chance to reflect on the past, act in the present, and think towards the future. What will we bring with us to our graves? What legacy do we leave behind? Only time can tell. For some, it’s a simple as an idea, like a chimicherrychanga. Others craft an entire lifestyle, a new way of living, and sometimes even a new sense of identity for themselves.
But whether you’re Carrot Top or Cherry Top, what’s truly important in life is to make the most out of your talents and embrace the ponies around you, for we are all--
“AGENT RUDOLFO! Are you using our covert mission reports and surveillance camera footage to write your stupid, cheesy, poetic stories for that creepy fanfiction website again?”
“N-no, boss! Just… doing some paperwork. Boring, dumb ol’ paperwork… Heh-heh, heh…”
“Good! Because I’m getting sick of all the complaints from witnesses about how you exaggerate them as characters and make up a lot of details and weird quirks that don’t make any sense! So, just carry on with that paperwork.”
Tch. What a bum. Now, where was I? Ahh, yes.
And so we come to the end of our tale. Thank you for reading, and hopefully you have become more enlightened. Stay tuned for the exciting sequel, Cherry Bomb 2: Electric Scootaloo, where the handsome, dashing Agent Rudolfo Ramirez goes rogue on his agency, uncovers a dangerous conspiracy that threatens all of Equestria, kicks the tar out of his evil, abusive boss… and then has some “toola-roola” with the boss’s sister. Chikka-chikka yeah.
Author's Note
Ready for the ultimate irony? I hate cherries.
