Fallout Equestria: SIDEQUEST

((Author’s note: Due to complaints, I will no longer be transliterating accents. Just remember that Cutthroat sounds like she’s from Dublin, Spanner pahks huh cah in the yahd and drinks beeyuh on the powatch, and Magenta arranges the blocks!))

I woke up with a strange buzzing feeling in my head, and half my vision blacked out. The ceiling above was not the one in my cart that I’d fallen asleep watching. “Wh..”

        A low grumble caught my attention, and I looked down into one eye of a pegasus. Or... at least what was at one point a pegasus. She had bits of skin, and most of her fur missing. I blinked as I took in my first ghoul. “Where’m I?”

        The pegasus took a piece of chalk into her teeth and scribbled on a slate, before showing me what she’d written in surprisingly clear mouth-writing.

        ‘Crater. I found you shot twice in the head. I did the best that I could.’

        I winced. By her word, I was lucky to be alive right now. “Why can I only see out of one eye?”

‘Bandage. You should leave it on, it’s to cover your ink there.’

Oh. Duh. This mare must be kind enough to fix up somepony with the slaver mark curled around one eye as well as smart enough to make sure nopony knew her patient was scum. “Thanks. Whomever you are. You’re good pony.”

The mare smiled, and I was spared the sight of her cloudy eyes facing two different directions when she did so.

‘I’m not exactly equipped for brain surgery here. You’ll have to pay the Peace Corps or another more skilled doctor to get the bullets out of your head.’ She erased, probably in the manner that a speaking pony would clear her throat and “change gears”. ‘In the meantime, I’d like to travel with you. Stable ponies interest me, I want to see what you’ll do.’

I shook my head as I pulled myself into a more upright position, fighting off a sick feeling. My PIPbuck said that apart from the concussion, the lead aspirin in my head, and fractured skull, I was fine. That I could handle as much damage as I normally could.

“Where are the ponies that were with me? My cart?”

‘There was evidence of some kind of fight breaking out near where I found you in a shallow grave. Whomever shot you didn’t want you found, or your friends treated your corpse decently.’

I blinked. This mare was a grave-robber? I hope she had a good reason for it... She was making a sound in the back of her throat to get my attention; ‘My name’s Ditzy Doo, what’s yours?’

I smiled. “I’m Spanner Wrench,” ‘Celestia...’ “I need a Fixer.”

She got a queer look on her face and shook her head. ‘No. No drugs. They make you perform, but you can bring yourself up to that point they bring you on your own. And in the long run you’ll pay dearly for using the chems.’

I sighed and looked down at the blanket she’d covered me with while I’d been unconscious. I was already trembling. “I need,” was all I could choke out. Ditzy shook her head.

‘The craving will fade eventually. Or we’ll find you help. Either way...’

She smiled a little bit and pulled over a drawing of a pony skull with the legend “The Wasteland Survival Guide.”

I blinked as she continued writing on her slate. ‘It’s become my life’s work. Or my undeath’s work? I’ll get good information on chem usage and first-hoof stuff about the horrors of addiction from you to put into it. It’s nearly finished...’

I blinked and nodded a little bit. “Where’s my barding? My things?”

‘In the other room. I was working on a project before you woke up. Just...’ she made a sound in the back of her throat before waving a hoof and continuing. ‘I need more information on radiation’s effects on ponies, I just know that ghouls or at least I regenerate in radiation fields but I need more information for the book.’

“I don’t like the sound of this.”

‘200 rads should be sufficient, but 600 would be more definitive. I’ll finish my project while you’re out.’

I winced. I really didn’t like the sound of this. But I owed her my life, so I struggled out of bed with her help and started towards the door out of Ditzy’s little shop and into Crater proper. The town really had been built into the bottom of a hole. It was difficult to determine how many buildings there were clinging to the crater’s walls, nor how many ponies lived in this little town. I shakily walked down the ramps that lead to the bottom of the town... and was confronted by a pool of water with an unexploded balefire bomb sitting in it.

“What in the Sorrel Hells?”

Cutthroat had described them, of course, but her stories hadn’t prepared me for the brooding thing sitting before me. An egg, with a fin assembly riveted to the end not buried in the ground and hoof-holds welded onto each side for pegasi to carry it. I made a choice then. I ignored the old stallion preaching to passerby and waded close to the bomb. My magic allowed me to pry off an access panel as I carefully climbed upon it. My pipbuck clicked faster and faster as I soaked up radiation.

“Where... Ah! There!”

I chuckled to myself as I wrapped the core in a sheath of magic, being careful not to set off the reaction. Lead shielding from the guts of the bomb flowed like liquid to encase the core as I multitasked with holding the core and maintaining the spell that would cause the metal to act that way. The clicking slowed, and I let out a breath as I slipped off the shell and replaced the hatch. The danger of a live thaumonuclear device was past, and my EFS told me I was suffering from advanced radiation poisoning, or so I guessed from the red RAD alert in the corner of my vision where the white CND had been. Apparently my crippled head had fixed itself.

I paused to throw up the nothing I had in my stomach, groaning as I dragged my weak self up to ‘The Kitchen Sink’ as a sign said Ditzy’s store was called. I set the lead-encased core on a low counter that split the shop and fought off the queasy feeling. The pegasus smiled at me. ‘For me? What is it?’

“I ripped the core out of that bomb. If somepony didn’t know how to encase it, or did the wrong thing around it...” I made a noise simulating the sound of a thaumic device going off. “I’m also about as irradiated as I can get without burning a hole in the floor.”

The ghoul made an unsettling sound I took to be cheerful laughter as she wrote something on her slate. ‘I thought it was just your “glowing” personality.’ Har. Har. Har. ‘Now, how do you feel?’ She picked up a pen and one eye watched me as she prepared to write some notes.

“I think... I can hear my chromosomes crying. Now what are you going to do to fix this?”

She set a glass of milk on the counter and smiled vacantly. ‘A little brahmin milk, a few magnets... And maybe a few happy thoughts...’

I drank her concoction and shuddered. Whatever it was, it cleared my rads pretty quick while the mare puttered about me. She took some notes and disappeared into the back, coming out a bit later with my barding and saddlebags. She’d done something, my barding had stuff on it that seemed to be on the order of making it actual armor. I nosed open one of the pouches and morosely observed that she’d replaced my chems with Radsafe and Rad-B-Gon.

‘I was hoping, too, that you would tell me about your Stable? It would make a great forward for the book.’

“Stupid ponies, food sucked. Good riddance.”

“Hm.” ‘It must have been safer?’

“Yeah, only part of it that’s any better than out here. Clean water, all you could ever want, nopony wanting to shoot you on general principle, and soap. Oh how I miss soap.” And no monster of a mare after your flank.

She laughed again at that and wrote down everything I said before writing something to me on her slate. ‘I armored your barding and put braces in the saddlebags to let you carry heavier loads, Spanner. And I tossed an advanced radiation suit into your bags. Medical subsystems. I’ve held onto it all this time because it’s foal-sized, next to worthless. I,’ “uh” think you’ll get use from it.’

if she hadn’t seemed so kind-hearted I probably would have read into this. But, given what i’d learned of her, she’d simply had a medic rad suit that would fit me, and the desire to do me a kindness by giving it to me.

“Thank you, Ditzy.”

‘What are you going to do? What adventures will we have?’

“First. We’ll get the lead out of my brain. Then I plan on finding out who tried to kill me and paying him back in kind, after meeting up with my friends.”

QUEST COMPLETED: ARMS, ARMOR, FRIENDS. flashed before my vision.

‘They shot you. Twice. In the head. Seems to be reason enough to not go after them.’

“‘For a wounded man shall say to his assailant; if I live I will kill you. But if I die, you are forgiven’. Such is the rule of honor. He put two in me. I survived. He won’t be so fortunate.”

‘I understand. Tomorrow, you and I will go out on your grand adventure.’

I nodded and slipped on my newly armored utility barding, leaving my saddlebags on the counter. I like the weight of it, and the reassuring firmness of the armoring against my chest and stomach, knees and shoulders. I pulled air’s hammer out of the holster built into the foreleg of the barding, and five rounds for it. Tipping the barrel towards the ceiling I opened the cylinder, causing it to spit out the cartridges onto the floor before I put in the fresh rounds and snapped it shut. A second or so, a whine told me that the spell bound in the operational parts of the gun had activated. The bullets would now ignore armor. Sapper Spade had been one cool bitch. I collected the bullets from the floor, tucked them back into my bag, and put the gun away, smiling to Ditzy, who smiled right back.

QUEST ADDED: I GOT BETTER. flashed across my vision, an objective underneath the label; ‘Find Stitch Smile’. I blinked. “Dad? He’s still alive?” An arrow flashed on my compass, pointing me in the direction I was supposed to go...

“Well.. Ditzy, looks like step one is to track down me da’.”

The pegasus mare smiled and nodded. I found her company no less enjoyable as we ate a meal of radhog and a bright red apple, juicy and sweet, sliced and in a preservative syrup. She was nice, funny, and honestly I liked her even though she looked like she belonged in a Romareo movie. I tried to ignore her tears as we slept that night- sharing a bed with a ghoul wasn’t as bad as I would have thought, just as comforting as Magenta’s presence. I think... We did one another some good.

“Are you sure this was such a good idea!?” I called out to Ditzy, who was flying over me, drawing the fire of raiders interspersed among the store shelves before us. I lined up a shot, Air’s hammer cracked, and one of them dropped. We’d come across a supermarket while walking along the E-90, and Ditzy had immediately taken off towards it, hastily writing for my benefit ‘there could be salvage!’

The mare nodded serenely, her face currently hidden from my by a featureless helmet that had once been black, the rest of her body sheathed in padding and kevlar. She swooped up and cycled her weapon, holding it in her hooves.

It made a strange sound, and spat something at a cluster of the raider ponies. An explosion rocked the store, three red bars winked out, and the ponies were thrown about in spatters of gore. I laughed a little bit and holstered my own firearm, running and scooping up a baseball bat in my teeth.

I couldn’t quite reach the pony now trying his damndest to skewer me with a spear made of sharpened rebar, but one swipe could kick his forelegs out from under him and bring his skull to where I could crack it open and break his neck!

She gave a toss of her head that lead me to believe she’d rolled her eyes at me, before her gun thumped and spat another grenade.

        One left... I hopped the pharmacy counter and looked around. And caught two barrels worth of double-aught twelve-gauge buckshot in my right side. It knocked the breath from me, I was pitched sideways, and felt the damage with a cold clinicality as I looked towards the stallion prying shells from his sawn-off. He dunked in two new shells and cocked it. I grabbed the gun in my magic and shoved the barrels up, went to give ‘em to him when a pink beam slammed into his head. He pitched sideways and dropped, eyes glowing, his brain liquified by the magical energy.

I took a breath and took stock. I watched Ditzy loot the corpses before collecting them and lining them up in a row. I nodded to her as I turned to grab everything the pony that had nearly taken my face off had on him. Twelve gauge shells in buck and slug, a knife... ooh Dash... “Come to mamma~” I coughed and jerked my head as I hid the inhaler. “Door’s locked, see what you can do about it, I’ll have a look-see around.”

She nodded, I couldn’t see her expression behind her blast helmet. I grabbed a book that I noticed, a couple mags of 5.56, as I trotted off to see what I could find in the bathroom.

Somepony had set up mattresses, a table and chair, in there. I kicked the door shut slowly and slipped up into the chair, holding the inhaler between my forehooves and sticking the useful end into my mouth. I pushed the button, took a deep breath, and gave a shiver of orgiastic bliss as every cell of my body clamored for the drug. I felt instantly better, and smiled as I tossed the inhaler. A phial of Buck-Up sat on the table, I ate all the tablets in it, shot up one of the Med-Ex I found.

“Luna... Yes~!” I shivered and laughed to myself as I swept the small mountain of caps, Med-Ex syringes, and some syringes of a chem I’d never seen before into my bag. I kept one out to ask Ditzy what it was, and slowly walked around the room dumping all the chems, caps, medical supplies, ammo, and the odd weapon into my bags. I was higher than a kite! and happy. If only there had been...

I nearly squealed in delight as I found a tin of mints! I opened it and chewed all of them. Now I was happy as a pig in shit and had another room to clear. About ten minutes later, I trotted up along behind Ditzy, whistling cheerfully.

“Any luck?”

A snap and a look from the mare told me that was  no. I sniggered and nudged her aside, pulling Sawn-Off’s shotgun out and switched the shot in the barrels to slugs. I snapped it shut and put the barrels against where the bolt of the handle went into the jamb and pulled the trigger to the first firing position. Where the deadbolt engaged got the other barrel, and I pulled the door open.

“There! Unlocked.”

Ditzy shook her head and followed me into the pharmacy and got to work on the locked case of supplies while I got to cleaning the place out. If I could move it, it went into my bags. I watched her for a moment, and trotted off to see what I could find around the rest of the store. Another fridge stacked with random Pre-War food, useful junk, and a quiet corner to take the Sonic I’d found in the pharmacy. Oh, and a key that was marked ‘pharmacy supply’.

Ditzy had made zero progress with the lock, anyway.

“Grab all that crap on the counter, my bags are gettin’ full. I’ll see what I can do about this.”

No sooner had she turned around, than I quickly put the key in the lock, turned it, and put it back in a pocket. She looked at me at the sound of the click and shook her head. Out came her board.

‘Cheater. Find a key?’

“Don’t get pissed at me, just cos I’m a master of unlocking.”

She shook her head and swept everything into one of her saddlebags before sitting back. I showed her the syringe. “Whazzis?”

‘They call it ‘Medic’. Put you back on your hooves in ten seconds flat.’

I pulled my barding back enough for me to stick the needle into my side, and hit the button. It felt a little weird to feel my cracked ribs knit, and the ugly bruises fade almost immediately.

“Hey, that’s cool. Found four or five of them.”

‘And Buck-Up. And Sonic? Dash? Mints definitely. I’m not stupid, Spanner. Where’d you shoot up the Med-Ex? Your hip?’

She shook her head disappointedly as she shoved roughly past me.

“We’re back. Hey, wait, something’s not right here...”

Well shit. More guests. We trotted out and waited in ambush behind a set of coolers.

I was struck by a sudden memory. Shooting lessons with Mom that a radroach had interrupted, only to be put down by a single quick shot straight through its tiny head from Mom...

oOo

“How’d you do that? Geeze that was cool..”

“SATS. Stable-Tek Arcane Targeting Spell.” She did something to my Pipbuck, and bars popped up on my vision, one in the lower right. A compass. A white line in front of me. “You should see now. That is the spell’s charge. It’s a function of the Pipbuck.” She showed me how to find and engage the spell she was speaking of.

The world stopped. I was presented with data my mind wasn’t capable of processing; now I realized thinking back that I was clinically being told by an effect of the so-called ‘seeker’ spell that found targets that my mother was standing before me, targetable. My mum was sectioned into her component parts, and I was given a 95% chance to hit anywhere I chose to look. I shook my head, she must have noticed something when I let the spell go.

“From there you could have targeted me. SATS would have helped you by slowing things down, made it easy for you to hit me.” I nodded, filing this all away in my packrat brain to try and understand later. She said something as we walked out and I returned to the present with a twitch.

oOo

And it had stuck with me, waiting to surface, for all this time. “Someday. This might save your life..”

I smiled and slipped into SATS. With the chems running through my system, I was good. Conditions were optimal. The others didn’t have any chance in hell...

“Love you mom.”

Boom. ‘Do you want it.’ Boom. ‘Do you need it...’Boom.‘Let me hear it.’

        ‘What was that?’

        I smiled and kept walking. Me and Ditzy were still traveling along the E-90. Eastward. In the direction of my arrow.

        “Magic trick Mom taught me.”

        “Ah.” ‘Three perfect headshots- between the eyes... Is this a ‘Stable’ trick?’

        “Ff... You’re nopony’s fool, are ya Derp. Yeah, it’s stable. I can do it again. Just need time to cast it.”

        ‘Here should be safe. Let’s look over our haul.’

        She put down her grenade launcher and beam pistol, along with her helmet, as she sat down on the roadbed. I realized that from where she’d picked, we could see anypony coming before even my EFS noticed. The pharmacopea I’d stuffed myself with ran out just about now, so I was in a crappy mood. I shut off EFS and tossed my bags at her before stripping and flopping onto my belly.

        “Fuck that, you do it, Bright Eyes. I have insufficient fucks for such a task.” I lit a cigarette, and promptly relaxed as best I could. This mare was starting to get on my nerves. I ignored her little noises she made to get my attention, even her poking me with her slate. She stopped just when I was about to see if SATS helped with beating in a pony’s skull with one’s hooves...

        I woke up with Ditzy standing over me and holding me down, eyes wide and wings popped open fully, holding me down. I had something wooden in my teeth that I spat out. I tried to focus my eyes at the ghoul’s not-entirely-unpleasant face.

        “Wh...” Her chalkboard was held in her teeth.

        ‘Seizure. I thought it was a tantrum at first, but your eyes rolled up and you frothed..’

        “Bullets probably ain’t doin my brain good.”

        ‘No. MINTS. DASH.’

        “Right. I still think it’s the lead aspirin in my skull.” Prodprod. She hadn’t changed her writing...

        “Alright, whatever you say-write whatever you know what I mean, Derpy. Let me up. How we for water?”

        She got off me, wrote. ‘Six bottles marked “WATER” full of cloudy liquid. Two clear ones.’

        “So... Eight bottles, two of ‘em clean.”

        ‘No. Eight of what looks like water. Vodka’s clear. Moonshine. Several industrial solvents.’

        I shook my head and opened one, took a sip. “Mm. Water.”

        She rolled her eyes at me, followed as I trotted to where she had out stuff spread out. That nudge and noise again...

        ‘First we must do something.’ She dropped a box of matches at my forehooves, and jerked her head to where a small pile of we’d recovered sat. Doused in kerosene. ‘Burn it.’

        I could see a tin of Pinkie sitting on top. I remembered Cutthroat’s words about it. “Like mints on Buck-Up, with a bit of Sonic for good measure.”

        Phials of Buck-Up. Sonic and Dash inhalers. Angel. Havok. Stopwatch. Shakeout. Chems I was addicted to. Chems I liked. Chems I’d wanted to try.

        I felt the barrel of Ditzy’s beam pistol against the back of my head. I shook, and not just from the Dash-crash.

        I lit the match.

        Ditzy let out a small snort as I stared at the ashes of the chems that’d been devoured by the flames. I want to say I had dove into the fire and rescued some. it certainly would have been the “BAMF” thing to do. But I turned after a moment, and looked at her. She offered a tablet. “Fixer?”

        ‘Yes. I saved enough to keep you from falling apart until we can find a doctor who can help.’

        “Okay then.” I chewed the tablet. “What all did we have?”

        She nodded towards the top sheet of a pad of paper near the neat assortment of gear. She’d catalogued everything neatly into a list.

‘Weapons;

1 hunting rifle(.32) 1 beam pistol

1 pistol(.32) 1 5.56 gun

2 knives 1 rebar spear

2 zebra pistol (10mm) 1 grenade launcher (40mm

3 apple grenades (frag) 1 sawed-off-shotgun (12ga)

3 police batons 1 pistol(10mm)

2 pool cues

Aid;

6 bottles dirty water 2 purified water

10 bottles alcohol 5 Medic

6 boxes apples 4 cans beets

8 sparkle-colas 3 Luna-colas

1 Solar Sarsparilla 7 pork’n’beans

2 boxes sugar bombs

Miscellaneous;

15 rolls duct tape 20 scrap metal

1 chalk board 4 (20pc) white chalk

1 motorcycle hoofbrake 3 reams paper

1 motorcycle gas tank 4(15pc) boxes pens

4 lawnmower blades 2 (20pc)boxes pencils

3 pilot lights 1,143 bottlecaps

10 surgical tubing, 1 toolbox assorted tools

1 lead-encased balefire bomb core

Ammo;

28 40mm grenade 37 .32 round

6 40mm(HE) 6 shotgun shell (12-ga)

6 40mm(INC) 2 12ga(SLG)

6 40mm(SPK) 41 10mm

110 5.56 40 SMC’

“Certainly were thorough. Go through my pockets too?” I snickered a little as I looked at the paper and the spread. “What’s a balefire egg? You lugged the core along with ya? What’s SPK, HE, INC, and SMC stand for?”

She thought then scribbled. ‘Miniature balefire bomb. Yes. Spark, high-explosive, incendiary, small magic cell. Electric burst to fry bots, more bang than normal, grenades that burn. Little battery type things for my beam pistol.’

“Ah. Let’s pack up?”

She nodded. ‘Let’s start by separating the guns and ammunition. You carry all the crap you picked up.’

“Ooh. I call shotgun!”

Ditzy shook her head and made her choked sound that told me she was laughing. I slipped back into my barding, and holstered Air’s Hammer before taking all the 5.56. The sawn-off went into the bag I wasn’t filling with ‘junk’ as did the .32 ammo and the .32 pistol. Ditzy grabbed her kit, the ten mil, and all the guns chambered for that. I gave her a baton and took the rest of the melee shit, slung on the rifle. She carried the rest of everything.

On a thought I changed ‘quests’ as my pipbuck called them to ‘Homecoming Queen’. Sure enough, there was an arrow on my compass leading me to Magenta’s holotag. Pretty clutch, ah?

“Happy day. Magenta’s someplace I’ve heard the Peace Corps has been sitting as of late. We can kill two birds with one stone, or at least get two bullets out of my head at the same time we find my friend?”

Ditzy nodded and stood up, slipping on her helmet. Her face was hidden by the thick black glass of it as she took to the sky. I wondered how she could fly so tirelessly with that heavy armor. I knew mine wasn’t very light, or the stuff in my bag, or the hunting rifle laying on my back...

“I’m tired... My hooves hurt... Can we stop for a rest?”

The pegasus chirped suddenly and waved a hoof to get my attention. We’d worked out a system of signals and sounds she could manage. She’d see danger before me, so she could tell me what she saw... I drew Air’s Hammer in anticipation and warily sized up the ponies that approached me, aware of Ditzy somewhere above us on overwatch. Three. Two earth ponies, one unicorn. Unicorn had a limp, one to the bad leg. Ditzy would probably hit either both of the others with a grenade, or one of them with her beam pistol. Chest shot for the left dirt, his skull looked like it could stop bullets dead.

“Whassat Enclave mare circlin us for?”

“Call it an insurance policy, my good stallion.” I gave what I hoped was a friendly smile. He recoiled from the grimace the scars on my face twisted the expression into. One of the earth ponies drew his pistol, pretty swagged-out ten mil, but the unicorn stamped his hind hoof presumably to keep him from aerating me. My face fell and I took a step back.

“Well then. We’re hunters, of a sort.”

I raised a brow. I noticed the unicorn staring at me a little close for comfort, with special attention to my scars and tattoo on my face. I narrowed my eyes and got myself ready to put him down. “Yeah? What you hunt? ‘Hog? Gator?”

I lit a cigarette and looked at Ditzy, gave her a small nod. She stopped circling and hovered from where she had a commanding view of all this. “Ponies. Ones who have taken the mark. Ponies who have one way or another attracted the eye of Solar Flare to them. And sometimes contract work for upstanding citizens. Somepony wants you dead.”

I took a deep breath and slipped into SATS. The same questions slipped unbidden into my head... One to the leg of the unicorn. Two to the chest of the male on the right. The world slowed nearly to a stop as I took the mouthgrip of Air’s Hammer and fired those three times. Boom.Do you want it? Boom.Do you need it?Boom. Let me hear it... I let out that breath as the world turned again, and a flash from my companion snuffed the other dirt.

I laughed to myself as Ditzy landed and began checking the two corpses for gear as I used my magic to drag off the injured unicorn beneath the raised roadbed a little. “Get their stuff nice and neat-like while I entertain our friend here.”

“You’ll not get me to talk, foul opportunist...”

“Oh.. Yeah. I paid attention in Interrogation 101..” I smirked as I tightened my magical grip on my baseball bat and laid out a selection of knives...

        I crawled up onto the roadbed a while later. Tired, with a warm glow in my heart of sadism and Wild Pegasus. I cheerfully wiped blood from my face, and adjusted my new snappy fedora.

        “Broke my bat. Didn’t wanna use the sledgehammer too much.”

        I whistled and finished wiping my face as I watched Ditzy cook a meal. ‘I heard. Weren’t very quiet. Laughs made me sick...’

        “Ah, well, I’ll be quieter next time. They were bounty hunters, somepony put a price on my head for defusing that nuke in Crater, apparently. “The law” they said they were. Thousand caps for proof of my death by a Golden Dawn general by name of Gilda Stormstrider.”

        ‘So we know who had two put in your head.’ She seemed thoughtful. ‘They probably view you as a threat to the status quo- the Order is doing well right now and they’d like to stop the Enclave from gaining the ground they have been lately.’

        “Yeah I guess. How we fixed for supper?”

        ‘They had oatmeal. Coffee. Preserves. Both the Earths had .44 revolvers and ten mils, all of it completely tricked out. Nice hat, his?’

        “Yeah. So let’s eat already. Unicorn had a .357 with an HD cylinder, long barrel. These ponies were pretty flush. Probably have caps out the ass, mods ain’t cheap.”

        We sat and ate, drank coffee, and I smoked through most of a pack of cigarettes. I was still dripping blood, Ditzy had gone quiet. When I looked, she was writing. “Guide?”

        She shook her head and got her slate back out. ‘Just some notes. I finished outlining that section while you were getting your information.’ She looked at the sun, before looking back to me. ‘We can probably get there tomorrow if we walked all night.’

        “No problem. Hey, is everything alright? I would have thought that you’d be used to that, living out here all this time.”

        She shook her head. ‘That’s not it. I was an explosives expert with a wetwork team. I’ve watched my share of ‘back room antics.’’

        “So? What then?”

        ‘We didn’t have anypony on our team less than the age of twenty eight. They all looked their age.’

        I raised my eyebrow as I kicked dust over the remnants of our fire. I took the unicorn’s trenchcoat- it would fit me comfortably and was lighter than the armored utility suit. Ditzy took my Stable barding, I gave her the unicorn’s revolver and bullets as well. My new coat had a rifle scabbard, and holsters for both ten mils and forty-fours. Cool.

        “How do I look?”

        ‘Like a raider’s foal attempting to dress in her mother’s clothing. But impressive enough I suppose, knowing your abilities and potential, and your.. Temper.’

        I smiled and lifted a hoof dramatically before starting off. I enjoyed Ditzy’s company immensely, both when we were conversing or silently traveling. But I missed Magenta. … I missed Cutthroat...

        We made good time, but I was starting to tire by the morning. We passed a caravan headed back along the road. It was strange to not hold them up, or to try my new guns on them. Ditzy managed to buy something cheap off them; a patch that would cover my tattoo to keep us from attracting attention.

        I saw a hundred caps change hooves at the gate, and leered at the stallion standing guard as we passed. And that was how me and Ditzy made it to the Fluttershy Medical base.

        My first experience first-hoof with the Peace Corps was an absent-minded doctor who cheerfully said hello and just went on with his work. From what I saw they were treating ponies indiscriminately! I never once saw caps change hooves for anything. I even saw foals.

        I was approached by a matronly mare while Ditzy was elsewhere, she seemed to have gotten it into her head to ask around on her own.

        “What are you up to? Where’s your parents? Are you one of those troublesome Crusaders?”

        I blinked. “Looking for a friend. Fucked if I know. Who now?”

        So help me, she actually lifted me with magic and started dragging me away. “With a mouth like that, no parents, definitely a Crusader. Go play with your friends and leave the doctors alone. I know you foals have it hard, but you should play and not steal things from us..”

        Really. I writhed in her grip angrily, managing to face her. Air’s hammer slipped free from the holster on my foreleg, the barrel nudging between the mare’s eyes. “Put me. The fuck. Down. My mar was in a Stable last I knew, and I’m lookin for me da’. I don’t know who these ‘Crusaders’ are, but I ain’t one and I ain’t no foal. I’m sixteen Sun-scorned years old. I’m just small. So get that through yer thick skull, or a bullet will be the next thing get through. Aye?”

        I don’t think she heard or understood much of what I said. The gun against her head with an angry pony on the other end of it did all the talking I needed. She dropped me and pulled away, going quickly back to what she had been doing. I huffed and put my weapon away before straightening my coat. I heard a thick accent and a half-strangled attempt at speech that made my mood lighter. I turned and grinned.

        “Spanner! You are alive! I was so worried...”

        “HNNGH!” ‘Don’t cause trouble!’

        I shook my head. “Sooo... I’m missing time here, fill me in, Magenta.”

        “Oh.. We met with some ponies, they took you off to talk privately with somepony. We didn’t think anything of it. They must have taken you by surprise, I don’t know. We couldn’t find you, we split up and waited. Cutthroat went home.”

        I nodded. “magenta, this is Ditzy Doo. She pulled me out of the grave the Order’s ponies dumped me in, saved my life, and we’ve been traveling together ever since. She don’t talk much but writes.”

        The gray mare nodded slowly, both eyes watching my Enclave friend. Magenta let out an incredulous breath and saluted. “Lieutenant. It’s an honor..”

        ‘Private First Class Magenta Sky. The honor is mine.’

        I smiled a little, and flicked quests back, the target changing to my father’s Pipbuck tag. He was close. “I’m glad I found you, and the both of you can get along.”

        ‘Can you pick locks? I can’t do it well, and Spanner is going to end up hurting somepony with her method.’

        I snickered a little and looked around. One-eyedness was weird.

        “Oh, we’re going to find somepony who can get the bullets out of my brain, find the bastard who put them there, and pay them back in kind. You two have that ‘follow the stable pony and see what she’ll do’ thing going on...” I grinned widely as I looked up at the sun. “I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to murder a stallion from Roan named Status Quo.”

        Fillies and Gentlecolts, please... Would you bring your attention to me? For a feast for your eyes to see... An explosion of catastrophe...

Footnote: Level Up.

Perk added: Follow the Leader- You have greater skill in talking ponies into following you or staying once they are!

Guns +25.

Companion perk added: Firemare- your friend has taught you to love the bomb. You take less and deal more Explosives damage. You also know your way around detcord and plastique.

Quest Perk: Rad Regeneration- A stupid idea has twisted your chromosomes like a kitten with a ball of yarn. When you suffer from Advanced Radiation Poisoning, you automatically regenerate crippled limbs.