Trixie's Got 99 Problems but a Coma Ain't One
When Trixie Lulamoon woke one morning to find half the roof above her missing—and a smoking hole in the ground not too far from her bed—she knew she was in for an interesting day. Of course, she had no way of knowing just how interesting this day would be.
It all started a few months back when Trixie returned to Ponyville seeking revenge (or forgiveness, or a place to live, or a barbecue sandwich, or any of the other cliches). She had shown up on Twilight’s doorstep, her mane riddled with leaves and rats’ nests, and her five o’clock shadow looking more like a five-year blackout, and demanded to speak with Twilight about one of the aforementioned things. After which, she promptly passed out from a combination of malnutrition, lack of sleep, and the book Spike had accidentally dropped on her head from the second-story window above the front door. Realizing that it wouldn’t be very “homely” of her to leave a potential lawsuit lying on her front porch, Twilight quickly scooped the unconscious mare up and brought her inside.
Months later, when she finally woke up, Trixie found herself wondering just what the hell was going on. Luckily, as she would find out momentarily, Twilight had seen fit to leave a note beside her bed explaining ~~everything~~ some things. So, there was at least some good news.
Having stared wide-eyed and open-mouthed at the beautifully cloudless sky above her for a few minutes, Trixie decided it was time that she got about the business of figuring out where in the wide wide world of Equestria she was.
She drank in her surroundings, trying her absolute best to remember what had happened and, why she was here. It was all rather fuzzy, but she seemed to recall returning to Ponyville for some indistinct reason whereupon she appeared before Twilight and… nothing. That was the last thing she could remember. However, it did at least solve the mystery of where she was: the library. Which, went a long way to explaining why the walls looked like they were made out of tree bark. The next step was figuring out just how long she had been here. Of course, that was easier said than done.
Trixie heaved herself out of bed. She felt a little unsteady at first, but quickly recovered. Having almost stumbled into a nearby dresser, Trixie noticed a small sticky note hanging off it like a beacon of hope. She reached out and ripped the note off, her spirits high and her expectations low as she assumed the note would provide her with some much-needed answers, though probably not all of them. Then she read the note…
Dear Trixie,
Gone out for some milk. If you wake up before I’m back, please wait for me, and also let Spike out. He’ll probably be cranky.
–Twilight
Trixie pursed her lips, crumpled up the paper, and tossed it into a nearby bin.
“That was entirely unhelpful,” she said with a sigh. At least she could confirm that she was indeed in Twilight’s library, although that didn’t exactly help her figure anything else out. “So, Twilight wants me to stay put and wait for her, hmm?” she said to nopony in particular. “I don’t think so. Nopony tells the Great and Powerful Trixie what to do!” With a huff of her voice and a flick of her mane, and in direct defiance of Twilight’s orders, Trixie tramped downstairs and into the foyer where she would have exited out the front door if she hadn’t run into a less-than-familiar face.
“You’re awake?” said a harsh, tomboyish voice belonging to a certain rainbow-maned pegasus whom, for the life of her, Trixie could not recall the name of.
Deciding to take the safe approach, Trixie went on the defensive. “I might be,” she said slowly, keeping her guard up.
“Well, I mean, either you are or you aren’t. There aren’t really a lot of options in between those two,” she said, “and judging by the fact that you’re talking to me, and not, y’know, asleep, I’m going to guess that you’re awake and you’re just being weird for some reason.”
Trixie considered this for a moment, then offered her rebuttal. “Who are you again?”
The pegasus scratched her chin. “Hmm, you don’t remember me?”
Trixie shook her head.
“Must be, like, amnesia or something, I guess.”
“Yeah, amnesia… or something.”
“Anyway, I’m Rainbow Dash!” said Rainbow Dash enthusiastically. “I came to see what was going on,” she explained. “I was flying over and saw that part of the roof was missing, so I thought I’d drop in to see what’s up.” She squinted one eye and stared at Trixie, suddenly serious. “So, what did happen?”
Trixie shrugged. “I don’t know,” she confessed. “I woke up and saw the ceiling was missing. That’s basically all I know. Your guess is as good as mine.”
“So you didn’t hear anything last night, or see anything… weird?”
“I only became conscious again minutes ago.”
“Well that’s a bummer. I guess we’ll need to keep searching then. Hey!” said Rainbow Dash suddenly as if she had just remembered something mildly important. “Where’s Spike?”
Trixie frowned. “Spike?”
“You know. Little dude, ‘bout yea high, kinda fruity lookin’?”
Trixie shrugged.
“He’s a baby dragon. Follows Twilight around like a dog? Well, whatever, I’m sure he’s around here somewhere. We just gotta—”
She was interrupted by a loud groan which caused both Rainbow Dash and Trixie to turn to locate the source of the mysterious sound. It didn’t take them long. Floundering out of the basement staircase like a half-dead mackerel, Spike flopped into the foyer.
“Oh hey, Spike! We were just talking about you,” said Rainbow Dash. He groaned again. A look of very mild concern crossed Rainbow Dash’s face. “Dude, you’re not looking so hot. Did, umm, did something happen?”
As far as bad days go, Spike had honestly had much worse, but this one was definitely up there. His face was black like it was covered in soot, and he had little scratches and bruises all up and down his body. He was also favoring his left leg as he stumbled unsteadily into the room. With a wheezing cough, he fell flat on his face then rolled over after another groan. Rainbow Dash casually trotted over to see what was wrong, whereas Trixie casually stood there buffing her chest.
“Yo, Spike…” said Rainbow Dash. “You all right, buddy?”
His eyes flickered open, then he looked up at Rainbow Dash and said, “Twilight… book… milk…” Then his eyes closed, and he was out like a light.
“That was… cryptic,” remarked Trixie.
“Guess the little guy was all tuckered out, huh?”
Trixie shrugged. “Who cares? I’m more interested know what he meant by that.”
“Meant by what?”
“Twilight… book… milk…” said Trixie in what she considered to be a convincing imitation of Spike’s voice, though Rainbow Dash would have likely argued otherwise.
“Oh, that,” said Rainbow Dash. “I dunno. I mean, Twilight likes books, right? Maybe he just meant that Twilight wanted to read books about milk so she went to the grocery store?” she suggested.
“Not the library, you know, where she lives?”
“Is that where they keep books?”
Trixie gestured to the entire room which, as it happened, was filled with a multitude of books.
“Ah, right.”
“Anyway, I don’t think that’s what he meant. Obviously, something is going on here and it likely involves Twilight and books—and also possibly milk—but I don’t know exactly what it is. I’m guessing it’s got something to do with that hole in the ceiling though, and also possibly the hole in the floor as well.”
“There’s a hole in the floor, too?”
Trixie nodded.
“Huh…”
“Regardless, we need to figure out what happened and where Twilight is so I can find out how long I was asleep.”
Rainbow Dash’s eyes lit up. “Oh! I know that one!” she said excitedly. “Two months, three weeks, and six days. Which, I guess, means tomorrow is your three-month-iversary. Oh wait,” she said, bringing a hoof to her forehead and tapping it. “That was actually yesterday, so that means today is three months. Congratulations!”
“Sweet Celestia,” Trixie said, sucking in her breath. “It’s been that long?”
“Yep!”
“...and what has Twilight been doing all this time?”
Rainbow Dash shrugged. “I’unno, taking care of you, I guess.”
“…you don’t say.”
“Yeah, she’s been all, like, motherly or whatever lately. She was always saying stuff like, ‘Sorry, girls, I have to go home to check on the vegetable’, and ‘Well, guess it’s time to go feed you-know-who’, or ‘Sorry, I can’t go to dinner with you girls. Trixie needs her bedpan changed again’. You know, mom type stuff.”
Trixie was about to process this new information, but then decided that perhaps it would be best if she just never thought about it again, and filed it away deep in her subconscious where it could do no harm, right next to the repressed memories from her childhood of her father never thinking she was good enough, which clearly had had no effect on her whatsoever. Having firmly locked this new memory away, she turned to Rainbow Dash. “Glossing over all that, where do you think Twilight would be right now?”
Rainbow Dash stroked her chin. “Well, there’s only, like, a couple of places she usually hangs around, so it’s probably one of those.”
After waiting a good while for Rainbow Dash to elaborate, Trixie asked, “And those places are?”
“Uh, I guess the library would be one—”
“Well, she’s not here.”
“—then possibly Carousel Boutique, or Sugarcube Corner… or maybe the grocery store. She does hang around there kind of a lot…” Rainbow muttered to herself.
“She did say she was going out to buy milk,” Trixie offered.
“Well, why didn’t you say so?”
Trixie shrugged. “Meh.”
With their course more or less plotted out, the two ponies left Spike to his nap and headed out the front door towards the local Food Horse. Trixie, determined to get to the bottom of things for some reason she could not explain, led the way, and Rainbow Dash, who was pretty much just following along because she had nothing better to do, kept close behind her.
It was a rather uneventful journey to the grocery store, and it was made all the more uneventful by the eclipsing silence that hung over the pair of sleuths. Of course, that streak of boredom ended the moment they reached the Food Horse. As they approached the main entrance, Rainbow Dash whistled slowly.
“Sooooo, I’m guessing she’s not here…”
As much as it physically pained her to admit it, Trixie had to agree with Rainbow Dash. It was highly unlikely that Twilight would be inside the smoldering wreck that was all that remained of the Food Horse.
In an almost ironic twist of fate, the only thing left standing was the large wooden carving of a horse carrying saddlebags loaded with apples. The words ‘Food Horse’ were etched below it in the pedestal that let them know they were indeed in the right place. Besides the horse, nothing was left in any recognizable state. All the stonework had crumbled and littered a large area around the store. All the woodwork was blackened, some it still aglow with a dim red light from still-burning embers, and sitting next to all of this was one very distraught-looking stallion.
He was sitting on his haunches, just staring wide eyed at the ruins before him. His glasses had fallen off, and his gray mane flitted almost mockingly in the breeze. He seemed not to notice Trixie and Rainbow Dash’s presence. Deciding that if anyone was going to know anything, it was going to be this guy, Trixie approached—and Rainbow followed.
Trixie cleared her throat to get his attention. “Excuse me,” she said politely but loudly. He slowly turned to face her, still gaping. “Yes, you there. Do you know what happened here?” She pointed to the wreckage, though she felt at the same time that it should’ve been rather obvious what she was referring to.
For a moment, the haggard stallion said nothing. Then, he finally managed to squeeze out a single word: “Milk.”
Trixie pursed her lips and frowned. “Milk?” she repeated. “What’s that supposed to tell me?”
“Maybe it has something to do with Twilight?” Rainbow Dash suggested.
The stallion turned to Rainbow Dash. “Twilight?” he said cautiously.
“Yeah,” said Rainbow Dash, “Twilight Sparkle? She’s purple, a unicorn, kinda cute, probably had her face stuffed in a book?”
If it were possible, the stallion’s eyes would’ve grown even wider. “That was her,” he said, seemingly more to himself than to Rainbow Dash. This revelation seemed to calm him down a bit, or at least make him more coherent. He stood up and dusted himself off. “She was here maybe fifteen or twenty minutes ago,” he said. “She came sprinting through the front door screaming her head off about needing milk. Not two seconds later, half the ceiling collapsed, and before I knew what was going on, I saw… it.”
“It?” asked Trixie.
Now, either because he was ignoring her, or because he had simply not heard her, the stallion didn’t respond, but regardless, he continued his story.
“Before I could stop her,” he said, “she had disappeared into the dairy section. Then, everything went black and I woke up out here.” He shook his head slowly. “The last thing I remember is seeing that… monster’s face. Then, there’s nothing else. By the time I came to, I was outside and the monster was gone, and so was the girl.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” said Rainbow Dash. “Hang on a minute there, dude. You’re telling me there’s some kinda monster running loose in Ponyville?”
The stallion froze up. His eyes flitted back and forth. “I—I think it’s best if I just go right now.” Then, without another word, he galloped off towards the edge of town.
“Wonder what’s got his bridle in a bunch?” said Rainbow Dash.
“Maybe it’s the fact that his store was just destroyed by some unimaginably horrific monster?” said Trixie as sarcastically as she could feasibly manage.
“Hmm... I suppose that could be it. It's either that or he knows something we don't.”
Realizing that for her sanity and her health it would be better to ignore Rainbow Dash, Trixie said, “He was the only lead we had, and even then he wasn’t very helpful. If anything, I’m even more unsure than I was before.” She turned to Rainbow Dash. “Where else did you say Twilight might be?”
“Probably, like, Carousel Boutique or something. Twilight and Rarity are total PFFs.”
Trixie raised an eyebrow. “I thought all of you were ‘PFFs’,” she said, making the air quotes motion with her hooves.
“Well, I mean, yeah, we’re all friends or whatever, but Rarity and Twi are like this.” Rainbow Dash hooked her two fore-hooves together and tugged, keeping them interlocked to emphasize her point.
“I see. And so you think that Twilight would go to Rarity for help?”
Rainbow Dash shrugged. “Maybe?”
Trixie sighed. “Well, whatever. It’s not like we have any other options.” She waved her hoof. “Lead the way.”
After another surprisingly uneventful jaunt, surprising given that there was apparently a horrifying monster tearing its way through Ponyville and they didn’t bump into it once, Trixie and Rainbow Dash came upon Carousel Boutique, which, thankfully, was not a pile of rubble.
“Well, here we are!” said Rainbow Dash cheerily.
“Yes. I can see that.”
“Come on, let’s go see if Rarity’s in.”
“...and Twilight,” Trixie muttered.
The pair of ponies approached the entrance, but before they could even raise a hoof to knock, the door flung open and they were being pulled inside by another pair of ponies.
Hooves covered both their mouths while unseen voices shushed them. After they had been dragged inside, Trixie saw that the curtains had all been drawn, and the only light in the room was from a couple of candles set in the middle of the floor. Trixie craned her neck to see who her captor was and saw a familiar face looking back at her.
“Twilight?”
“Shh! Keep your voice down!” said Twilight in a shouting whisper.
This caused Rainbow Dash to also look over and call out, “Twilight? We’ve been looking all over—”
A snow-white unicorn moved a pillow over Rainbow Dash’s mouth to silence her. This white unicorn, whom Trixie assumed must’ve been Rarity, kept the pillow pressed down for what seemed like an inordinate amount of time. After Rainbow Dash had stopped flailing around and calmed down—or passed out—Rarity removed the pillow to reveal a gasping blue pegasus.
“You really must keep your voice down, Rainbow!” said Rarity in a harsh whisper.
Rainbow Dash nodded silently. Then, she and Trixie were released at the same time.
Having just noticed for the first time whose mouth she had been covering, Twilight said, “Wait a second… you’re awake?”
Trixie frowned. “Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Well, you were asleep for a long time. I thought you might be, y’know, a vegetable… or dead… or something.”
“But you left me a note.”
“Oh, that,” said Twilight, waving her hoof dismissively. “I leave one of those every morning. I just never thought you’d actually be awake to read it. I left them on the off-chance that might wake up one day, but I never really expected you to.”
“I see…”
“But hey! You’re awake now, so that’s good.”
“Yes, yes, this is all very touching,” said Rarity impatiently, “but shouldn’t we be concerning ourselves with, ugh, that beast?” She shuddered at the thought.
“Oh, right,” said Twilight.
“Oh!” said Rainbow Dash loudly. She was, of course, promptly shushed by Rarity and Twilight again. “Sorry, sorry,” she whispered. “Trixie and I found the blown-up Food Horse, and the dude that was there said it was destroyed by a monster.”
“Ah, the milk,” Twilight said quietly. She turned around and produced a gallon jug of 2% milk. “He was probably looking for this.” She placed the plastic jug in front of them. The milk sloshed around while everyone stared silently at it.
Trixie was the first to address the elephant—or rather, cow—in the room. “This?” she said, almost not believing what Twilight had said. “There’s a monster running around Ponyville, destroying buildings… for milk?”
Twilight nodded, her face grim. “That’s correct. It makes sense if you think about it.”
“It really doesn’t,” Trixie muttered.
“It’s the only thing that can send him back to the 7th plane of Hell.”
Had she been drinking anything, such as milk, Trixie would’ve assuredly done a spit-take, but with her mouth wanting for liquid, she merely sputtered incoherently. After a moment, she managed to calm herself down enough to ask: “...what?”
Rainbow Dash cocked her head to the side. “Yeah, I’m a little lost here too. I mean, we are talking about milk, right? That white stuff that comes out of cows?”
“Yes, the very same,” said Twilight like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Maybe I should back up a bit and start from the beginning.”
“I think that would be best,” said Trixie. “I just want to know what in the name of Celestia is going on, and you’re only making things more and more confusing.”
Twilight cleared her throat. “I suppose I better get started then.” She reached into a nearby bag and removed a thick black book. It was covered in strange markings—a language that Trixie couldn’t recognize—and it seemed to give off a distinctly evil aura, or vibe as the kids might call it. Whatever it was, Trixie was more than certain that it was not from the realm of mortals, and that to read it would spell clear and definite doom for her and anyone she had ever met or would meet. It was an item of such immense evil, so beyond her comprehension, that she could feel it slowly shifting her alignment just by being in the same room as it. Surely, the only sane thing to do would be to destroy it as quickly as possible, lest its immeasurable evil be unleashed upon the unsuspecting world.
So, Trixie did the exact opposite of that and swiped the book from Twilight. Just as she was about to open it, Twilight slapped her hoof away and took the book back. As Trixie nursed her hoof, she gave Twilight a hurt look.
“I just wanted to skim it,” she said.
“No!” shouted Twilight, quiet-loudly, slapping away another probing hoof. “This book should not be read by anypony, let alone skimmed. From now on, this is a ‘no-skim zone’.” She quickly drew a circle around herself with some of the wax from the candles. “Everypony else just stay back and let me tell my story.”
“Fine.” Trixie crossed her hooves and sat back, her lips curled into a pout.
“You do realize these floors are mahogany, don’t you?” said Rarity. “It’s going to take ages to clean.”
“As I was saying,” said Twilight, ignoring Rarity. “This book is not to be read… ever… by anyone.”
“So, then why do you have it?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“I was reading it.”
“But you just said—”
“I know what I just said! Just shut up for two seconds and let me tell my Celestia-damned story and you’ll see why I said not to read it.”
“Sheesh, Twi. Calm down.” Rainbow nudged Trixie’s shoulder. “Get a load of Sally Sassypants over here,” she said out of the corner of her mouth.
Trixie rolled her eyes.
Twilight sighed. “Anyway,” she said, dragging out the ‘a’ for emphasis and to make sure everyone had indeed shut up. “A few months ago, actually it was right after Trixie showed up, I was cleaning out an old section of the library. I had never read any of the books from back there, and in fact I didn’t even know it existed until I accidentally knocked some books over and found it hidden behind the anthropology section.”
“That would explain why no one had ever found it before,” said Trixie.
“Hey now, anthropology is a very interesting—”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever, Twi. Just finish your dumb story so I can go home,” said Rainbow Dash, waving her hoof.
Rarity leaned over to Trixie and whispered, “She’s been like this ever since she took that ‘Introduction to Anthropology’ course at the learning annex.”
“I heard that!”
“Finish your story, dear.”
Twilight groaned. “Whatever. So, like I was saying, I found this book underneath a pile of old college textbooks that looked like they had never been opened. It was covered in dust and spiderwebs, so I took it to the basement to clean it off. That’s when the weird stuff started happening.”
Trixie’s eyes narrowed. “Weird stuff? Weird how?”
“Oh, you know. I started hearing voices that sounded like they were just around the corner, but would disappear when I went to check. Or, sometimes I’d see shadows move around and stuff. And once or twice, I thought I could feel my own limbs melting. Honestly though, that stuff was kinda par for the course for me. The real freaky stuff didn’t come till later.”
Trixie raised an eyebrow. “Hearing voices and feeling your limbs melt is normal for you?”
Twilight shrugged. “You get used to it when you experiment on yourself all the time. I’ve just sorta learned to live with it for the most part.”
“Riiiiiight…”
“Anyway, I knew something was up because these occurrences started happening more frequently than normal. And besides, sometimes the cover of the book would shift around if I stared at for awhile. So, I was pretty sure that wasn’t normal.” Twilight stared at the book a for a moment, hoping to demonstrate that she wasn’t certifiable, but it remained stubbornly still. “Hmm, well anyway. Like I said, the really weird stuff started happening a month or so into my study of the book.”
Rainbow raised a hoof. “So, if you knew this book was bad news, why’d you keep it for so long?”
“I didn’t know what it was at the time. I just thought it was some weird old book, and being weird isn’t a reason to not read a book,” Twilight countered. “Besides,” she continued, “I never would’ve found the key to immortality if I hadn’t read it.”
Trixie sat straight up. “Hang on, what?”
“Oh,” said Twilight catching herself, “you wouldn’t want to hear about it. It’s not really very interesting. Anyway,” she said quickly, cutting Trixie off before she could respond. “It was no easy task to read this book. It was in a language I’d never seen before, and even after I translated it, it was still near incomprehensible.”
“Yeah, how did you translate it?” asked Rainbow Dash.
Twilight grinned. “I’m actually kind of proud of this. First, I went through and found symbols that repeated a lot, then compared that to similar levels of repetition in the Equestrian language. From there I was able to compile a rudimentary list of commonly used symbols which, of course, led to a simple conversion table. After I had that worked out, I was able to get some basic translations which further allowed me to expand my knowledge—”
Rainbow Dash waved her hoof. “Magic, got it.”
Twilight sighed. “It took a few weeks, but I was able to translate the majority of the book. Oh, and I was also able to discern the title in spite of the shifting letters.”
“And that is?” asked Trixie.
“The Necroneighmicon.”
Rarity grimaced. “Sounds… ominous.”
Twilight shared her expression. “It means, The Book of the Dead. Or something like that.”
“So, definitely ominous then…”
They all stared at the book for a moment, thinking that it might suddenly gain sentience and then explain to them that it was not in fact all that ominous a name, and that they were overreacting. Of course, it did none of those things, and instead just sat there looking as, well, ominous as ever.
Rainbow Dash turned back to Twilight. “So, you said weirder stuff happened later, right? Like what?”
Twilight brought a hoof to her chin and stroked it. “Well, after I had started to translate the book, I began to notice that when I read certain words a black shadow would rise out of the pages and disappear into the next room. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but after about the fifth or sixth time, I felt like maybe there might be a connection between the words I was reading and the shadows.”
“Ya think?”
“Oh, shut up. Anyway, nothing really bad happened until about a week ago,” said Twilight. She looked down at the Necroneighmicon and shook her head. “I should never have read that passage, but I had to satisfy my curiosity.” She shook her hoof violently. “Damn my insatiable need to read things!”
“So,” said Trixie cautiously, keeping her eyes on Twilight, “if you’re about to say what I think you’re about to say, then that means—”
Twilight stopped her, then nodded. “Yes,” she said. “I summoned the monster. But it was totally an accident!” she said quickly, seeing her friends’ looks of horror. “I found a passage that read ‘the opener of the way’, and I thought that it might help me understand the book more or something. I had no idea that it would summon… that.”
“What, or who, exactly is that?” asked Trixie.
“Apparently his, or its I guess, name is Yog-Sothoth, and it’s one of the Elder Gods,” Twilight explained.
“Elder Gods?” said Rainbow Dash, her eyebrow raised.
Twilight sighed and rolled her eyes. “The Elder Gods are an ancient race of cosmic beings who created the universe, but were then overthrown by a younger set of deities some time later, and now lay dormant in a deathlike sleep adrift in space,” she said breathlessly.
“And you… summoned one of them?”
“Well, it wasn’t on purpose!”
“Still though, that’s, like…. not cool.”
Trixie cleared her throat, garnering the other ponies’ attention. She looked over to Twilight and said, “Just so I’m clear here, you accidentally summoned an ancient cosmic being from another dimension to Ponyville, and now it’s wreaking havoc and destruction and you don’t know how to stop it? Does that about sum the situation up?”
Twilight held up her hoof. “Well, that’s not entirely accurate. I mean, you got the basic gist of it, what with my summoning of some cosmic horror and all that, but I do know how to defeat Yog-Sothoth, or at least send it back to its own dimension.”
Trixie rolled her eyes. “Oh right, the milk…”
Twilight smiled. “Yes! Exactly!”
Trixie nodded slowly. “Right, and accepting that everything you’ve told us is true—”
“It is!”
“—you still expect us to believe that this thing, Yog-Sothoth, can be vanquished… with a gallon of milk?”
Twilight nodded vigorously. “Precisely.”
Trixie nodded in return. “Mhmm.”
At this point, Rarity felt that she had stayed quiet long enough and said, “Sorry to interrupt, but even if we know what to do, how are we supposed to find this Yog-Sothoth? We don’t even know where it is let alone how to find it.”
Rainbow Dash nodded in agreement. “Yeah, besides, you still haven’t told us how this milk is supposed to help.”
“It’s simple really,” Twilight said. “All we need to do is lure Yog-Sothoth into the open and douse him with milk while I draw a chalk circle around him and chant the words, pohn’owing woinwiieh ghiaphty’oh oehyuopen alkj eiiuuea’uthuid, which basically means: ‘Get the hell off my lawn’. After that, he’ll be sucked into the portal and return to his deathless sleep!”
“Why milk?” asked Trixie.
Twilight shrugged. “I don’t know. Something about lactose intolerance or whatever. I didn’t really bother checking into it.”
“I see.”
“And how exactly are we supposed to lure him into the open?” asked Rainbow Dash.
Twilight opened her mouth to say something, then closed it again. “I hadn’t thought that far ahead.”
“We could use Spike as bait?” Rainbow Dash suggested with a shrug.
“Yeah, I’m good with that,” said Trixie.
Twilight grinned. “It’s settled then, we’ll use Spike to lure Yog-Sothoth into the open, and Rainbow you’ll douse it with milk while Trixie chants the words and I draw the circle. Are we all good with that plan?”
Everyone nodded, except for Rarity.
“Umm, what exactly am I supposed to be doing in this plan?” she asked.
“You’re going to convince Spike, obviously,” said Twilight nonchalantly.
Rarity smiled. “Oh, well then everything is in order. Let’s get to it!”
“Hey wait. I just thought of something,” said Rainbow Dash, tapping her forehead. She turned to Trixie . “Remember when we saw Spike this morning and he was all covered in black stuff?”
“Sure,” said Trixie, not sure where Rainbow was going with this.
“And he was saying something about Twilight and the book and milk?”
Again, Trixie agreed.
“Well, I think I have an idea.” Rainbow Dash now turned to Twilight. “You said when you were reading the shadows would appear and then drift into the next room, right?”
Twilight nodded. “Right, that’s what I said.”
“Which room would that have been?”
“Umm, I guess it would’ve been… Spike’s room,” she said slowly, now realizing what Rainbow Dash was saying.
Rainbow Dash grinned triumphantly. “Nailed it.”
Trixie waved her hoof to get Rainbow Dash’s attention. “Wait a minute, you lost me. What exactly are you saying?”
“Spike is Yog-Whatever. Well, it’s more like he’s being possessed by it, but whatever.” Rainbow’s smirk widened. “I had a hunch back when we saw Spike that something was up with the little guy, but it wasn’t until Twilight was talking about the shadows and the summoning and all that junk that I was able to guess what that something was. So, it went down like this,” she said, seeing Trixie’s still-confused look. “As Twilight was reading that book, the shadows would come out and then drift into Spike’s room and mess with his brain and junk. See, the shadows weren’t just shadows, they were more like little pieces of Yog-Dude, and it wasn’t until Twilight finished the summoning spell that its soul came out and finally possessed Spike completely.”
Twilight’s mouth hung open in disbelief. “Rainbow Dash, that’s… How did you… I can’t believe you figured it out all on your own.”
Rainbow Dash shrugged. “Meh, it wasn’t the toughest case I’ve cracked. It’s pretty simple if you think about it. I mean, the hole in the roof, the burnt down grocery store, who else could do that but Spike? Also, since Spike was in the same room as Trixie, that would explain why she was asleep for so long.”
“Wait, how?” asked Trixie, her eyes wide.
“Twilight said it didn’t she? A ‘deathless sleep’.” Rainbow Dash nodded sagely. “Yep, I think that about solves all the mysteries. Now we just gotta find Spike and beat that stupid Yog-Sloth outta him.”
“I don’t think Yog-Sothoth can be physically harmed,” Twilight said. She frowned. “We may still have to use the milk and the incantation and all that.”
“Ah, right, yeah. The whole Elder God thing. So, it's the spell then?"
Twilight nodded. "Looks like that's the only way. But anyway, we should get going. There’s no telling how much death and destruction he’s caused while we’ve been sitting here twiddling our hooves.” She reached down and grabbed the jug of milk and handed it to Rainbow Dash. “Here, you take this,” she said. She picked up a piece of chalk lying next to a freshly-marked mannequin. “And I’ll take this.” Finally, she handed the Necroneighmicon to Trixie and said, “Can I trust you to carry this?”
Trixie took the book and nodded. “Nope.”
“Too bad, we don’t really have much choice. Do you remember the incantation?”
Trixie shrugged. “More or less.”
Twilight sighed. “It’ll have to do.” With a deep breath, she began walking towards the door. A burst of magic sparked from her horn as she flung it open and revealed Ponyville. Ponyville, by the way, was not having the greatest of days.
As the four ponies exited Carousel Boutique, it became clear pretty quickly that Twilight’s half-serious joke about ‘death and destruction’ was more of a reality than they had anticipated. Everywhere around them they saw burning buildings and screaming ponies running to and fro like headless chickens. The sky was blood red, probably literally, and dark clouds hung over the little town while angry streaks of lightning shot down and caused more fires to sprout up. On top of all this, Spike, now the size of several large barns, was stomping around, breathing fire and spouting incomprehensible words.
“Well, crap,” said Twilight. “This might be a bit harder than I had hoped.”
“At least we know where to find him,” said Rainbow Dash cheerfully. “That’s kinda helpful.”
Twilight had to agree. “Yes, that’s true. All we need to do is follow the trail of screaming ponies and crumbling buildings.”
Rainbow Dash nudged Trixie again, whispered into her ear. “Friggin’ Debbie Downer over here, am I right?”
Trixie sighed.
Rarity, who had been pretty quiet up till now said, “If I may, how are we supposed to get close to Spike without being trampled into little pony bits?”
Rainbow Dash flared her wings. “Uhh, duh?”
Rarity motioned to her, and everyone else’s, barren backs.
“Pssh, like I can’t carry all of you.” Rainbow Dash floated up a little then spread her limbs out. “Each one of you grab onto one of my legs and I’ll fly us there.”
So, they did just that. Twilight, Rarity, and Trixie all grabbed one of Rainbow Dash’s legs and, with some effort, she lifted them into the air, grunting all the way. After a few minutes of flying, Twilight said, “You know, I could’ve just teleported us all—”
“Shut up! I can do this!” Rainbow Dash shouted.
Twilight put up her hoof. “All right, all right.”
A few more aggravatingly slow minutes of tortuous flying, and they had caught up to Spike, or rather, Yog-Spike.
Rainbow Dash, with a wheeze and a cough, descended to the ground and let the other ponies go, after which she collapsed in a heap and proceeded to catch her breath. Meanwhile, the other three ponies formulated their plan.
Spike was standing just feet from them, devouring some poor family whole, but he hadn’t noticed them yet. Twilight gathered the other ponies around her and they all huddled into a circle. Rainbow Dash, after she had recovered, joined them.
“Okay,” said Twilight. “Rainbow Dash, you take the milk and fly over Spike’s head, okay?”
Rainbow Dash saluted. “No problemo, Twi. Can do.”
She turned to Rarity. “Rarity, you get Spike’s attention, okay?”
Rarity nodded grimly. “I’ll do what needs to be done.”
“Oh, and try not to die.” Finally, Twilight turned to Trixie. “Trixie, after Rainbow Dash douses Spike with milk, I’m going to start drawing the circle, and I need you to open the book to page 136 and repeat the words I told you before. If everything goes according to plan, it should return Spike to his normal size and excise Yog-Sothoth from his body, banishing him back to the 7th plane of Hell. You got that?”
Trixie, who had only barely been paying attention, nodded. “Yeah, whatever. I got it.”
“All right, let’s do this then.”
Rainbow Dash heaved the milk under her armpit and took off into the sky. Rarity, on the other hand, took a few steps forward and began shouting at Spike. Twilight ran underneath the towering giant and readied her trusty chalk. Trixie, however, waited a moment for everyone to leave before sitting down and cracking open the Necroneighmicon.
“Key to immortality, eh? And you think I’m gonna pass that up?” Trixie laughed to herself. “Think again, Twilight Stupid.”
As she began to skim through the book, she failed to notice when Rarity had managed to get Spike’s attention, and also when Rainbow Dash emptied the milk over Spike’s face. She especially didn’t notice when Twilight began to draw the circle around Spike’s feet as he writhed around in agony from getting milk in his eyes. Trixie didn’t even notice when Twilight had finished her circle and looked up in horror to see Trixie reading the book and totally ignoring her only task.
“Where the hell is it?” Trixie said, frustrated as she flipped through page after page. “Gah! Why can’t I read this stupid language?”
She did, however, finally notice when Twilight appeared in front of her and slapped the book out of her hooves.
“You had one job to do! One!” she shouted. As Twilight took the book and began galloping off towards Spike, Trixie smirked.
Just before Twilight had taken the book away, she had finally found it. Or at least, she was pretty sure she had found it. Sucking in her breath, she started to chant the words.
“pohn’owing woinwiieh ghiaphty’oh oehyuopen alkj eiiuuea’uthuid!”
Confident that her cunning plan had payed off, Trixie cackled wildly. Her cackling quickly turned to gasping however as she saw a portal open below Spike’s feet. Her eyes wide, she watched in shock as Spike shrunk down to his normal size while a horrible tentacled ghost of a beast stripped itself of Spike’s body and shrieked as it was sucked into the portal. A few seconds later, and only Spike was left and the portal had closed. He was rubbing his head and looking around in confusion.
Trixie fell back on her haunches. “But…”
Twilight glanced over her shoulder and saw Trixie sitting there with her mouth agape. She grinned, then cantered over to her. “What’s the matter, Trixie?”
Trixie sputtered incoherently. “I—but—you!”
Twilight chuckled. “I figured you might try something fishy, so I dogeared the page I needed you to read. I knew you weren’t paying attention when I told you the words you needed to chant, so I knew you wouldn’t notice that the words you were reading were the same I had told you to read in the first place.” With another chuckle, Twilight began to walk away. She looked over her shoulder and said, “Better luck next time, Trixie.”
Trixie began to shake with rage, her face reddening. She shook her hoof angrily. “Damn you, Twilight! I was so close!”
Rainbow Dash floated down to Twilight and Rarity and whispered, “Jeez, what’s her problem?”
Twilight, before answering, checked on Spike. “You okay, Spike?”
He nodded, a little unsteady. “Yeah, I’m not really sure what happened though.”
“I’ll tell you about it later.” Twilight looked to Rainbow Dash. “Trixie’s just mad because I beat her again.”
Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “Again?”
Twilight grinned. “Don’t worry about it.”
