The Foalnapping

by Blagdaross

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Romance, Adventure
Length: 3167

Rainbow Dash decides to revive an old pegasus tradition.

Rainbow Dash decides to revive an old pegasus tradition, but her friends aren't all exactly ready for it.

Note: contains AppleDashery and quite a bit of pastry.

cover art by The-Crusius

Pre-read by bookplayer

Published 2013-09-06 00:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-16 00:42:04 UTC

1 (revised)

Applejack opened the window. The night was far too beautiful not to let in. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath of the farm-fresh air: sweet apple blossoms, sheep-cropped grass, the tang of rainwater, a little bit of manure, and the strange scent of beetles. Some scents were stronger, some were weaker, some were pleasant, some less so, but it was the mix that reminded her of things.

She opened her eyes and gazed at the stars between the few puffy clouds. Twilight had once gone off on a tangent about what-all Princess Luna had to do each night to make the sky look like that. AJ didn’t really understand, but it sounded like a lot of work that nopony would even notice, even if they were awake nights to see it. Applejack had believed when she was a few years younger that two of the stars were her parents; but everypony had told her that was just an old ponies’ tale.

Finding out it wasn’t was a tearful thing.

Applejack listened to the farm for a few more seconds before turning from the window. She was getting married, and everypony who could be was going to be there. All her cousins, all her friends, her sister, her grandmother; her big brother would be giving her away. She had even let Pinkie twist her hoof into letting her and the Cakes handle ‘some of the baking.’ The pastry table might be taller than the barn. Aunt and Uncle Orange would be impressed, no easy feat.

They could have gotten Celestia herself to perform the ceremony, but they had decided to get Princess Twilight to do it instead. She was a friend, as well as a princess, so it just felt right. Twilight had insisted on organizing the event, and they had relented. Suddenly Rarity was involved too, hoof-sewing dresses for everypony, arranging flowers, and designing decorations. Spike had managed to find a couple dozen books on wedding ceremonies. Twilight hadn't pulled her muzzle out of them for a week as far as Applejack knew. It looked like the two unicorns had everything in hoof, then Pinkie Pie took over the reception.

Everyone knew Pinkie liked to plan parties and other events, but this-- this would be her masterpiece. Applejack was even a little scared, given the scale of the thing, but she trusted Pinkie Pie, even if in her heart of hearts Applejack couldn't explain why she trusted the somewhat insane mare.

Nervous as she was, Applejack had a simple thought to calm her down. She was marrying the mare of her dreams, even if the pegasus sometime frustrated her. Applejack yawned as she pulled back the covers. Pretty soon I won't be doing this alone. Applejack smiled. I’ll have me a nice athletic pegasus to cuddle with, she thought as she climbed into the bed.

Another part of Applejack’s brain corrected her. Not just cuddle…

She pulled the covers up and closed her eyes again.

Rainbow Dash looked to her left. Cloud Chaser stared straight ahead, her eyes glowing. Flitter crouched back, her ears flat to her head. The sisters had been invaluable in setting this up, and Dash would need to buy a lot of wine to thank them.

Rainbow Dash looked right. Thunderlane was perfectly still, silhouetted against the night sky. He actually looked good, his dark coat blending into the sky like that. Dash couldn't blame Cloud Chaser, if you liked that sort of thing. He was a well set-up stallion.

“Fluttershy?” Dash whispered.

A small squeak wound it’s way up from the cloud she was standing on. “Come on, ‘Shy, I want you to be a part of this.” Rainbow frowned at the concealing cumulus. Dash needed ‘Shy to be a part of this. She would have brought Scootaloo, too, if the filly could fly a little better. And if Scootaloo’s mom had let her.

A pink mane poked up from the cloud. “O-Okay.” Fluttershy emerged onto the temporary rampart. She pulled her hooves up to the edge. “I… I can do this!”

Only Fluttershy could sound that determined and that quiet at the same time. Dash could understand the fear, even she was nervous. But this had to be done. AJ would be so surprised!

Dash turned her attention back to the farmhouse. “Everypony ready? Let’s do this”

“Where is she!?” the tiny filly yelled in Twilight’s face.

“Whu- huh?” Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Equestria, Bearer of the Element of Magic, tried to get her mind in gear. She didn't know where she was.

She was on a couch, or possibly just a large lumpy cushion on the floor. Something warm and hard lay across her back. There was something large and white not far away on her left. The mattress, or possibly cushion, was cool but not cold. Very yellow, for some reason. The sun was not directly in her eyes, but something was very close to her face.

“She’s GONE!”

Twilight had a good view of the inside of the speaker’s mouth. Orange tongue, pink uvula. Probably a pony of some kind. Twilight tried to get some useful information. “Who is?”

“APPLEJACK! Mah sister’s gone!”

Huh, where'd she go? She’s getting married in a few days-- All at once, Twilight was awake. “What do you mean gone!?”

The carefully sanded boards of the big table radiated the warm colors of the morning sun, filling anypony who sat at the table with the feeling of home in a way that, for most, was somehow more than their actual homes could manage. The smell of herbs and baking fruit, the slight sounds of livestock drifting in from outside, the warmth of morning and camaraderie would normally calm the most savage of griffons. Today was not a normal day though. Today was panic day.

Fed and caffeinated to various degrees, seven ponies and one dragon sat around the big table at Sweet Apple Acres. Twilight was looking at a scrap of paper with some calculations on it. Sweetie Belle was holding Apple Bloom who was trying not to cry. Rarity’s mane was in disarray, and she still seemed to shocked to fix it. Spike was serving coffee in the vain hope that it might help. Granny Smith’s eyebrows refused to align and Big Mac looked poleaxed. Pinkie stared out the window, as if expecting the missing mare to just turn up.

Twilight had investigated, in as much as was possible. AJ’s room was devoid of orange ponies, as was all of Sweet Apple Acres near as anypony could tell. No hoofprints had been discovered, at least not one that wouldn't have been there yesterday anyways. The window was open, but given the weather last night that didn't mean much. Nopony had any idea where she might have left, or why she would choose to go. If someone else had forced her, then who? The worse news was that she wasn't the only pony missing: Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and a few other pegasi were also nowhere to be found. How was Twilight supposed to marry Applejack and Rainbow Dash without Applejack and Rainbow Dash?

Twilight tried a few breathing exercises. It didn't help.

“Okay, here’s what we do. We establish search parties. They can’t have gotten far, pegasi can only fly up to about eighty mile per hour, except for Rainbow Dash, and we went to bed late so they've only got an eight-hour head start. That’s a six hundred forty mile radius, or four thousand twenty-one square miles, approximately.” Twilight scribble furiously on the scrap of paper. “If you each cover five hundred seventy-five square miles, it shouldn't be hard at all!” The purple scientist attempted to smile reassuringly, and failed.

“Hey look, somepony's coming!” Pinkie said.

Everypony tried to look through the closest window at once. Somepony was flying in, on what appeared to be a carriage.

“Oh no! Princess Celestia is here and I lost the bride! I mean, I lost the brides! Is there any way I could possibly have screwed up worse? What do I do? Spike, Rarity, what do I do!?” Twilight’s tail began twitching.

“Not quite, Twilight! Hey that rhymed! Anyway, I think it’s Cadance!” Pinkie went over and gave Twilight a hug. “Don't worry, she'll be able to help us look. I bet she has some sort of super sweetheart seeking spell!”

Rarity barely had her mane in place by the time Cadance and Shining Armor arrived. The mood in the room, however, was not concealed. Shining Armor’s smile disappeared immediately. “What happened? Twilly, what’s wrong?” the guard captain asked.

Twilight tried to answer, “Nothing! We’re fine! Everythin--”

Pinkie shoved a hoof in Twilight’s mouth. “We can’t find the brides. Twilight was about to organize a search party, which isn’t really a party, although a party with a searching game, like a scavenger hunt or something, could also be called a search party, but anyway we saw you were coming and I was hoping you could cast a super sweetheart seeking spell so we wouldn’t have to have a search party that isn’t a party because then I’d get confused!”

Cadance stood silent for a moment. She looked around the room. Her face was composed. “Who is missing, exactly?”

Twilight answered. “Applejack and Rainbow Dash.”

Cadance counted the assembled ponies and dragon. “Where’s Fluttershy?” Cadance asked.

Rarity responded, “We can’t find her either. Or any of Rainbow Dash’s work crew, who were going out with her last night.”

“I see,” the pink alicorn said. She nodded once. “And the wedding is one week from today, correct?”

“Yes.”

“Well, then,” Cadance smiled at the assembled ponies, “We can all stop panicking. She’s just been foalnapped.“

Author's Note

This chapter was revised due to lack of important reptiles.

Chapter 2

Spike broke the silence. “Cadance, in no way is that reassuring.”

The pink princess smiled at him. “Don’t worry, I said. It’s an old pegasus tradition. You foalnap the bride about a week before the wedding to ‘prove your strength’ or some such. It’s just a game really. Applejacks probably locked in a room with a big comfy bed and all the apples she can eat, somepony to wait on her all day and no responsibilities. Sounds like fun to me!” She glanced at her husband.

“O-kay, why didn't I read about this. Spike, I told you to find all the books–”

“I found all the books we had on weddings. It’s not my fault if the Ponyville library only has books on earth pony weddings. I left a note about the in Ancient Earth Pony Wedding Traditions: Their Origins and Symbolism” Spike said. “Don’t blame me!”

“Sorry, Spike. I’m just a little upset still. Why wouldn't Rainbow Dash have told me she was going to do this? I could have made sure it went smoothly.”

“It’s not supposed to be smooth, Twilly,” Cadance said with a giggle. She helped herself to a breakfast fritter. “Rainbow Dash probably wanted it to be a surprise. It worked too. She'll be upset she didn't get to see you faces. They were priceless!” She glanced at her husband again.

“You’re not putting this on me somehow, are you?” Shining Armor frowned.

“Excuse me, yer highness, but I have a question.” Big Mac said.

The room fell silent. Several ponies there had never heard Big Macintosh speak beyond single-word responses, and a few had even assumed he lacked the capacity. Cadance didn't know any better, and simply replied “Hmmm?”

“What do we do now? It is my sister after all who’s gettin’ married, and I reckon that Miss Dash has got one over on me, or some such.” Big Mac glared. “I’ll be darned if I let that one win easy.”

Cadance’s smile grew an edge. “So you're Applejack’s famous big brother? They weren't kidding about the big part. Well, the tradition calls for the groom’s family to foalnap the bride. Since Applejack is a bride, she’s fair game for foalnapping. But as I understand it, Rainbow Dash is also a bride? Twilight? I've heard of a few different way this can be arranged.”

“They’ll both be wearing dresses at the ceremony,” Rarity said, “white ones with mixed flower-apple-and-rainbow motifs, and a little bit of pastel around the hems.”

“Good enough for me. It seems then, that as a bride, it behooves you to foalnap Rainbow Dash.” Cadance sat down at the table and finally got started on the fritter.

Big Mac trotted into town a mite faster than his usual pace. He had business to attend to, and not just apple business. This was about family.

It’s not that he worried about AJ. He knew that Dash wouldn't hurt her intentionally, nor would she let AJ come to harm. And AJ was a strong girl, she wouldn't let anything go wrong either. But there was another issue here. He and Dash… had issues.

The little pegasus liked to show off. Big Mac didn't quite understand, and found it a little annoying really, but that wasn't his concern. What was his concern was the fact that she liked to show ponies up. It wasn't enough for Dash to be fast, she had to be the fastest. The coolest. And the part that actually got under Big Mac’s coat: the toughest.

Everypony knew that Apple Family ponies were tough. And everypony knew that AJ was the toughest of the bunch. Well, everypony except Big Mac and Apple Bloom, who had their own ideas about who was toughest, but that didn't matter either. This… this puffed-up little blue pidgeon had decided that since she was going to be joining the Apple Family, she must therefore be just as tough as an Apple. Big Mac has deflated her a couple times before; but it seemed that somehow Rainbow Dash had not gotten the message.

Well fair’s fair. Time to put that little bird in a sack and show her and her flying buddies what happens when you mess with the Apple Family.

Cousin Caramel was around here somewheres. His help would be needed. Even conscripting Applejack’s “honorary sisters” had left them one short of the five-pony team that they were allowed; and this was family business anyways. Caramel just had his week’s plans made for him.

Pinkie walked into Sugarcube Corner.

This was the first clue. Even in a room as crowded and chaotic as an active pastry kitchen, with knives and blenders and hot ovens and flour on the floor, Pinkie Pie pronked everywhere. For her to walk, without a large load on her back, head, or tail, was nearly unprecedented. Mrs. Cake, taking the closest thing to a break as she could, was horsing the front counter.

“What’s the matter, Pinkie?” she asked.

Pinkie gave a wan smile. Knowing Mrs. Cake was worried about her was, well, reassuring in its own way. Twilight had been lecturing her about truly believing ponies loved her. On the surface, it sounded as wacky as anything she had heard, but somewhere deep in her heart it made sense. Pinkie gave Mrs. Cake a quick hug. “I need about five hundred strawberry jam-filled cupcakes, maybe a hundred cherry pies, and several dozen coconut custard creams.”

“That’s…” Mrs. Cake shuddered. Pinkie knew full well what she was asking. And the girl wasn't crazy, she just played the part. “That’s battle baking, Pinkie. Battle baking. Are you entirely sure?”

“Mrs. Cake, something… something has happened, and I don’t really understand why and I know I don’t know what it means but I do that I know what I need to do about it. Rainbow Dash has foalnapped Applejack, and that means we need to foalnap Rainbow Dash.”

If Sweetie Belle ever needed an explanation of what the word ‘nonplussed’ meant, a photograph of Mrs. Cakes face at that moment would be worth far more than the proverbial thousand words.

“Well, if you need to do that, then, uh, you should do that, I guess.” Mrs. Cake walked back into the kitchen. “Honey, can you come out here?”

Mr. Cake walked out of his kitchen proudly, but he also walked slowly. Pinkie had promised to do ‘some of the baking’ for the wedding. It would be the Cakes’ first wedding commision, and they were determined to make it spectacular. Catering weddings wasn't the norm in Ponyville, yet. Mr. Cake had plans to change that. To that end, he worked as hard as he ever had; he baked morning, noon, and night, never ceasing his endless battle against the imaginary demons of ‘not enough.’ He hoped to pass on the business one day, and he wanted to pass on a successful business when the time came.

“Um, honey, there’s been a slight change of plans.” Mrs. Cake’s voice wavered.

“Mr. Cake, I know this is a lot to ask, because I know you did something like this before and don’t like to talk about it, but something happened. Last night, Rainbow Dash and a small team of pegasi broke into Sweet Apple Acres, well they didn't break anything really but the snuck into the house, even though the window was open but we were all downstairs really tired so I guess they had to be at least kind of quiet but anyway they snuck in and foalnapped Applejack and now what we have to do is foalnap Rainbow Dash so everything will be even because Big Mac doesn’t want Rainbow Dash to think she’s won which seems a bit silly to me but it’s important to him so we're all going to help by flying up to Rainbow Dash’s cloud house and foalnapping Rainbow Dash but they'll be expecting us so to do that we need to bring battle pastries.”

After about a minute, Mr. Cake’s face hardened. He stared first at Pinkie, then at his wife. Mrs. Cake trembled a bit. Mr. Cake returned his gaze to the apprentice baker. “Did you know that I fought in the war?”

“I… yes, I did.” Pinkie answered.

“Do you know what I did? I didn’t fight on the front lines, but I played my part. I was in a kitchen, because the Army uses you as best it can and they're damn good at it. Putting me in a trench might have helped, but they had their own ideas.”

“I baked. I made the meals that kept our soldier on their feet and fighting. If it weren't for the war, I never would have learned to cook as fast as I do. When three hundred ponies need to eat, and they need to eat now, you learn to cook three hundred buns at once. Pinkie, you're like a daughter to me, but you're also my apprentice. I never showed you how to fast bake. I never taught you those techniques.”

He looked Pinkie strait in the eyes.

“Today we bake like the fate of Equestria hangs in the balance.”