She’s the only constant here, besides me.
Sometimes I find her in a strange little town; I like it there with her because I can see her beautiful, lavender fur shine in the sun. Other times she’s in a glorious, white city, but I don’t like that place. I don’t know why.
Right now she’s sitting in this library. Most of her time is spent here, which is fine with me. Here we can be alone together, though we might always be alone. She doesn’t seem to think so, and it makes sense that she wouldn’t; the others never talk to me, or even notice me, but they’re always playing or laughing with her.
I wonder what I look like this time.
When I concentrate, I can move on my own, and the first thing I usually do is check my hooves to see what color they are. I’d like to use the mirrors, but they never seem to work. I don’t know why.
Looking down, it seems I’m not a pony this time. I used to get scared when this happened, but I’m not scared anymore. This time I have purple claws. It’s not the first time that I’ve had purple claws, but I don’t know why I keep appearing like this. I wonder what I really look like. I can’t remember.
“Spike, can you grab Starswirl’s Compendium on Paleopony Runes?”
“Right away, Twilight!”
My voice is not my own.
My body is moving without my command toward a nearby shelf, but it doesn’t seem to be getting any closer. I’m used to this. If I want to reach my goal, I have to concentrate, to work with the body I’m in, but I don’t feel up to it today.
I don’t really think it matters; none of the books make sense anyway. Some of them are blank, others don’t have pages at all, but most of them just have jumbled, illegible writing. I don’t know how she reads them, but it’s all she does when we’re here. I’m okay with that.
I just want to watch her. She’s so beautiful.
I can’t watch her like this though. My body seems intent on reaching the shelf, so I suppose I should help it, if only so I can return to her side. As I concentrate, I can feel the eternity between myself and the shelf evaporate. I reach it in no time.
My body climbs the wooden ladder and grasps at a book. I don’t know which one.
Its task complete, my body returns to her and sets the book at that circular table she loves so much, where she is sitting with her head in another tome. I am so close to her now that I can see the detail in her feathers and smell the berry in her mane.
Wait, smell? That’s a new one. I don’t mind though.
I don’t know how long we spend there, but it’s never too long for me. I wonder how old I am, or if I even have an age. Is it possible to be ageless? I don’t think I would mind never knowing. As long as she’s here with me, I’m as old as my memory of her.
We don’t stay in the library long though, which disappoints me. I don’t know when we got here, but we’re in that strange town again, walking down the road. Is it a different day now? Did she find what she wanted in that book?
I wonder what I look like this time.
With a bit of strain, I make my body stop and look down at my hooves. They are hooves this time, which makes me happy. Blue ones if my eyes do not deceive me, though my mind seems to lie to me all the time, so how could I ever believe my eyes?
She stops too and looks at me curiously. It’s always nice when she looks at me, even those times when she seems to hate me. I just like being noticed.
“Are you alright, Ranbow?”
I feel myself nod. Rainbow… I think I’ve been this pony before, but I can’t remember.
“Of course, Twi. Just stretching my wings.”
My words are not my own.
I feel muscles I hadn’t noticed before move on my back. It’s as if a second set of shoulders has appeared with a life of their own; with a firm beat, my hooves leave the ground and I begin to hover around her. We continue forward, though I’m not sure to where.
I wish she would join me in the air, but she seldom uses her wings. I prefer it when we’re side-by-side, but I guess I can handle floating above her. As long as she stays with me.
We pass by many ponies, but I can’t remember all of their faces. I’m not sure they all had faces, but that doesn’t worry me anymore. Face or not, they never notice me anyway.
We come to a large building that looks like it’s made of candy. This is where the pink one lives, I think, but everything here is so foggy. Or maybe it’s just me.
The pink one emerges, bouncing as always. She and Twilight laugh and bounce together, which seems to make them happy. That’s good, but I wish I could be alone with her again. Though I don’t want to come between her and her friends, it never feels like we’ve spent enough time together, but I can never tell how much time has passed anyway.
Friends. I wonder if I have any friends. I guess she’s my friend. A friend is someone who keeps the loneliness at bay, right? I don’t feel lonely when I’m around her. I wish I could tell her that, but my voice never seems to work when I want it to.
We’re traveling again, but I don’t know when we started. The pink one is with her, but doesn’t seem to notice me. We don’t seem to be in that town anymore, but are surrounded by apple trees. I think I know this place, but maybe my mind is tricking me again.
For some reason I am starting to have a headache. It’s not bad, and I wouldn’t want to worry her by reacting to it, but the feeling fills me with dread for some reason. Why am I so afraid?
From the corner of my eye, I see what looks like a tall shadow in the distance. If this were my body, I would probably be panicking, but my body does not seem to notice. I feel so weak, but I must stay by her side. Even if what is out there wants my life, I must protect Twilight. I wonder why I feel that way.
Ahead, I can see a red barn. I think I know where I am now, but I need confirmation.
Twilight takes her attention from the pink one and calls out to an orange pony in the distance.
“Applejack!”
That must be the orange one’s name because she turns and waves. I recognize her because of her funny hat, but I doubt I would otherwise. There are so many ponies here that most seem to disappear in the background, but her friends always stand out for some reason.
Applejack trots over to us, pulling a cart of apples behind her. She, Twilight, the pink one and Rainbow all bounce around with each other and chat… Wait, and Rainbow? But if Rainbow is over there, who am I now? I notice that I am not flying anymore, but my steps feel heavy. Twilight looks over to me, but the others don’t seem to notice. She smiles - such a beautiful smile - and waves a hoof.
“Hi, Big Macintosh!”
Is that my name now? It’s unfamiliar to me, but that’s nothing new. I wonder what my real name is. Do I have a name? If so, I wish she would call it just once, so that I could know that she sees me behind the eyes of her friends. But I guess I wouldn’t notice if she did; I don’t know my name, so how could I recognize it if she said it?
I blink.
I’m alone now, but I don’t know when that happened. Behind me is a small cabin which stands out against the backdrop of a menacing forest. I wonder what I look like this time. The weight to my body seems to be gone; in fact, I feel lighter than ever. I look to my hooves and am glad to see that they are still hooves, though they’re yellow now.
I feel my voice rising in my throat, but I did not command it to do so.
“Oh… Hi, Twilight.”
My voice is not my own.
I look up to see my beautiful, lavender friend trotting toward me, flanked by the other girls she’s gathered today. They are chatting amongst themselves, but her eyes are on me. I feel relieved, though I didn’t know that I was stressed. But she is looking at me again, so everything will be alright.
I feel my headache return as she approaches, and it‘s worse than before. Out the corner of my eye, at the edge of the forest, I see the tall shadow again, but it seems… closer this time. I feel panic rise in my chest, but my body still seems oblivious. What is it? What does it want?
I must protect Twilight. I don’t know why that thought keeps returning, but I‘m okay with it. It’s something I would want to do anyway. I wish I had my previous body again. It was heavy, but I felt like I could carry through on my desire in it.
Twilight waves a hoof and I feel myself wave in return. As she stops before me, my body raises and I smile. My current body must have wings too because I can feel those second shoulder blades move.
“Hi, Twilight. Angel-bunny said that you were coming…”
My voice is not my own.
She flashes another, sweet smile, but I can feel something her face does not show. This happens from time to time: I feel things that belong to her, not me. My mind likes to play tricks on me.
This time it’s sadness, but I’m not sure why she’s sad. I wish that I could say something to comfort her, but maybe it’s best that I can’t; I wouldn’t know what to say anyway.
Her eyes soften as she looks at me, or, I should say, as she looks at her friend.
She is so beautiful.
My body tries to look away when our eyes meet, but I won’t allow it.
I am lost in her eyes for more time than I can count, or maybe it’s only an instant. I try not to blink; the thought of doing so fills me with anxiety, but my body is not my own, so I can only fight it for so long.
I blink.
We are back in that strange town, but I don’t know how we got here. I wish we were back at the library where it is just me and her. Now there are five of us, and she has not looked at me for too long.
I wonder what I look like.
I don’t care.
We are approaching a building with a dome roof, but it is not getting any closer. I do not want to go there, but I don’t know why. But Twilight is eager to get there and I want to make her happy.
When did I start to desire that?
I concentrate and the building grows closer. In more or less time, we are there.
My headache is becoming unbearable. In the window atop the dome, I can see the tall shadow. It’s hard to think now; I’m too scared.
I have to keep moving. I have to protect Twilight. These thoughts are not my own, but they’re in my head. My mind likes to play tricks on me.
Another pony has appeared. She is white with a purple mane. She is pretty, but not beautiful like Twilight.
They are all here now. I don’t know how I know.
They turn. All of their eyes are on me now, all six of them.
Wait… Six?
I was a fool. I did not pay attention to what I looked like, so now I will pay for it.
Can they all see me? I’m not used to anyone but Twilight looking at me. I don’t like the attention.
What do I look like?
Are they my friends?
What is my name?
My mind likes to play tricks on me.
I feel so afraid.
My head is killing me.
The shadow is behind me now. I can feel it, but I don’t care. I look into Twilight’s eyes. I’m lost in Twilight’s eyes.
I feel vibrations raise in my throat:
“I love you.”
My voice is my own.
I blink.
The world goes black.
