Like Sisters, Probably

I walked up to the cafe. The name Edgewise was on the front of it—I knew it well from the times we used to go there. I remembered how going to it would’ve gone hoof-in-hoof with a warm pleasant feeling, largely because it would’ve been just the first part of a bunch of things we were going to do in the day.

This time was different, though. Going to the cafe was the main event. It didn’t feel quite right—in the same way that the last few months hadn’t felt right. Ever since Scootaloo moved in with Rainbow Dash. Ever since I said too much and Scootaloo figured out how I felt about her. I was at the cafe because she sent me a letter saying she wanted to meet up. It was the first time I’d heard from Scootaloo in three months.

If I went through that door and everything went badly, would we just fall back out of each other’s lives again? Even if it went well, would we say we both wanted to hang out more, and both really mean it, but then go back to our lives and never get around to it? A part of me wanted to just go home.

But I went in, and saw Scootaloo almost immediately. I had forgotten how much I liked seeing her. I mean that literally—just seeing her made me happy. I wondered if it was because it was Scootaloo, or because it was me, or because of both those reasons. There were two coffees on her table, one in front of her, and one across from her.

I walked through the cafe and sat down at her table.

“Hey, Sweetie,” Scootaloo said. “I, uh, ordered you a coffee already. I hope it’s still hot, I ordered it a while ago. I mean, not too long ago—I wasn’t waiting really long or anything, just... yeah.”

“Thanks” I said. I took a drink. It was made the way I liked it, but it wasn’t very hot anymore. Scootaloo had hardly touched her drink, though.

“So, how’s it been?” she asked, looking at her cup, glancing at me briefly.

Good.” I said. “It’s been good. Different, though.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

She moved her drink around on the table a bit.

“Different how?” She looked up at me.

“Oh, in a few different ways. I learned to cook, for one.”

She smiled. “What? No way. You could barely chop vegetables without dismembering yourself.”

“Really!” I said. “It was that or eat instant meals three times a day.”

“I definitely thought you’d just eat instant meals everyday.”

It felt like there was a bit of a comfortable warmth back.

“How’s it been going for you?” I asked.

Her face fell. It was subtle, but I saw it.

“It’s good.”

“Oh,” I said.

I held my coffee cup in my magic, swirling it around so the coffee touched the rim without spilling over. I didn’t know if I should push or not. There was a good chance it was going to be about Rainbow Dash, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to hear anything about the two of them, good or bad. It’d been three months since they moved in together. I had come to terms with it in that time, for the most part. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to hold up to something like that, though. The first month after they’d moved in together was really hard for me. I didn’t want to ever feel like that again.

“So how’s the old place?” Scootaloo asked.

“Same as ever. I didn’t change much.”

“It was half your stuff even back when I lived there.”

“It’s still half your stuff, now,” I said.

She made the same face as before. “I know. I’ll get it if I need it.”

I’d moved into Scootaloo’s old place after she’d moved in with Rainbow Dash. It was the most convenient option at the time. I really needed to move out of my sister’s by then, and a lot of my stuff was at Scootaloo’s, anyway. And that way, Scootaloo didn’t need to find a place to store all of her things that there wasn’t room for at Rainbow Dash’s. On top of that—honestly, I’d always coveted the place.

It was difficult, trying to get over Scootaloo while being in her place, surrounded by all her old things and the memories of her. I wish I’d thought more about that before I moved in there. I wasn’t thinking very clearly at the time, to say the least. But I think it was good, in a way, because when I finally got over her, I knew that I really had gotten over her, and that I wasn’t just hiding from it.

Seeing Scootaloo right at that moment was different, though. There was a big difference between memories of a pony and the pony herself. Still, I was keeping it together. A part of me wanted to test out just how much I had really gotten over Scootaloo. I had gone through a lot to get to that point, and I thought I should be confident about it.

The first month living on my own after they had moved in together had been terrible for me—though part of the reason was because of how poorly I handled it. I isolated myself, and steeped myself in the feeling of being deliciously heartbroken, knowing it was for the best that we kept our distance from each other for a while, accepting being away from her as some kind of penance for foolishly letting myself fall in love with my best friend. I wonder if being overdramatic runs in the family or if I was just imitating Rarity because her over-blown parodies of emotions were everything I knew about heartbreak. The self pity wore thin pretty quickly, but I kept running through the motions long after the strange miserable pleasure had worn away.

I was stuck in that rut for just over a month. I remember exactly when I came out of it. The first Tuesday in August, it rained, and kept raining for four days in a row. Scootaloo wasn’t there to warn me about it and tell me why so much rain had to be scheduled. I sat there, wondering how long it was going to rain, and for the first time, it really felt like she was gone. She wasn’t a part of my life—she was with Rainbow Dash instead of me.

Everything I had been dreading had come true. I thought Scootaloo and a I would be close friends again one day, but she wasn’t there right then, and what’s more, I hadn’t gone to see her.

I felt like I had been running along, and then had come to a ledge. I ran right off the ledge and fell, and kept falling.

My life up to that point had always been leading to something. When I got to that something, I’d see that there was something else I had to start heading towards. First it was school, then my dream of being a singer, then moving out of my sister’s. Trying to end up with Scootaloo. During it all, I felt like I was just passing through. Every moment had been temporary—transitory.

Then there I was.

I was living on my own, I had my singing, and I wouldn’t ever be with Scootaloo. Everything had lead to that point—had lead to those days, with the rain outside that kept going and that I didn’t know when would stop. What came after that? There was nothing concrete. I just had forever.

I knew there’d be other things that would happen in my life, but nothing was leading me anywhere anymore. I just was. There was no pressure from my sister, from my desires to achieve something, or from my feelings towards my best friend anymore. If I didn’t get anything done tomorrow and just sat around, performing enough to meet expenses, well... then nothing happened. No one would be disappointed, not even me.

I’d never felt so calm and so terrified, realizing that.

It stopped raining, and it was like a wall had come down. The first thing I did was clean up my place, and I think I did it largely because I realized no one would care if I cleaned up or not. There was no one to make a big deal about it either way, so it was fine. I got a couple of simple recipes from some of the ponies I sang with, I bought some real groceries, and I tried to make some real food. After a while I didn’t feel like I needed to keep a fire extinguisher and a box of bandaids within arm’s reach anymore.

I washed dishes instead of leaving them around, and I’d put stuff aways as soon as I was done using it. It was subtle, but at some point it’d started to feel like it was more trouble leaving stuff lying around than it was to deal with it. So I dealt with it. I still felt like I’d ran off a ledge and was falling, but the falling felt less terrifying. I was free falling—free of everything at the same time I was falling. I felt like I had some time before I hit anything on the way down.

I had Rarity over for lunch at one point. We talked and laughed like we used to before I started living with her. She was amazed how clean I kept everything, and that I’d made food for her without burning my house down at all. She made a bigger deal about that than she would’ve if I’d made lead soprano for the Canterlot Opera, but it was fine. I wasn’t living with her anymore, so all the things that annoyed me about her were fine, because after, she would leave and I would go back to answering to nobody but me, so it was fine. And when she left, she said it was a shame we didn’t see each other more often, and I agreed with her. We promised to have lunch or coffee at least once a week when she was in town.

It was a different circumstance with Scootaloo, but I wanted to be that way with her, too. It probably wasn’t a coincidence that Scootaloo invited me out to coffee out of the blue right when there was clearly something bothering her. I felt that after all I had gone through to get over her, the least I should be able to do was talk to her about the things that were bothering her.

I looked up at Scootaloo. “Are... you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, totally,” said Scootaloo.

I just looked at her.

“Well, mostly,” she said. Then she rubbed the side of her face. “Okay, maybe... it’s not so great right now.”

“Oh?” I said.

“I mean... I don’t want it to seem like I just invited you out because, well, you know...”

“But it was the reason you invited me.”

The hoof on the side of her face moved around to smoosh the front of it.

“I’ve been wanting to see you for a while—I mean I was thinking of calling on you, but... blah.” She put her hoof under her chin, and her elbow on the table. “It’s really great to see you though. Really. It’s been a while.”

I could tell she meant it. Scootaloo didn’t say much she didn’t mean, and I missed that.

“It’s okay,” I said. “It’s great to see you too.” I took a sip of coffee. “And anyway, I think it’s fine—whatever the reason, it gave us an excuse to see each other. That’s good.”

“Yeah,” said Scootaloo. “I guess. It’s just kind of about... I mean, I don’t want—like, if you—”

It was obviously about Rainbow Dash. “I get it. Thanks, but I’ll be okay.” I hoped I would be okay. “Just go ahead and tell me whatever it is, just like always.” I just had to keep it together until I was back home. Then I could cry or celebrate or whatever I needed to do.

“Well, okay. It’s like...” she thought about it for a moment. “I’m keeping Dash together. But, like, all the time.”

“What do you mean?”

“She—kay, remember back with all that stuff with the trial? When she was getting ready to try out for the Alpha Squadron? And then that stuff with Dust? It’s like it’s not actually over. Or, just that there’s more. After that was done, it was just right on to the next thing. Or maybe it actually was the first one—it just wasn’t ever really over.”

“But you were so excited about being there to help out Rainbow Dash during the Wonderbolt trials,” I said. That was fine—I just wanted her to clarify why it was she was feeling bad about that now. That’s what I told myself. The light from the beautiful day streaming in was a bit brighter and the smell of coffee in the cafe was a bit more pleasant all of a sudden. It didn’t make me an awful pony for noticing what a fine day it was.

She sighed and rubbed her ear. “Yeah, that’s just it, isn’t it? That’s where this all started—and it’s basically gone nowhere from there.”

“Where do you want it to go?” I asked.

“I don’t know. It’s just I’m always—there, in her friggin Ponyville house just waiting around to see if she’s going to want to pop down from Cloudsdale or not. Or more like, to see if she’s gonna have a breakdown or whatever and need me.” She rubbed her face again. “I mean, it’s not that bad. She’s not always like that when she sees me, and I keep busy when she’s not there—I got work and stuff, and I hang out with work friends sometimes, but I don’t know.” She moved her cup around on the table but didn’t drink from it. “I mean, it was fine for that first month during the off season—I mean more than fine. Like, that was an amazing month.” She started to get this smile.

“So what changed after that month?” I asked. The smile went away.

“I never know when she’s going to be back. I don’t really know what she’s doing, even—I got the outline of her schedule, but it’s kind of vague, you know? I don’t know which breaks are going to be long enough for her to come back or if she’s still needed there, and then they’re always going off on tours. Like right now she’s in Manehatten, I think.” She slumped in her chair. “She’s off living her dream and whatever. And with Dust there, too. Always friggin Dust. I’m not jealous, it’s just...” She trailed off.

“Just what?”

“...Just that I’m jealous, I guess.” She gave me a bit of a smile. Then she put her arms on the table, and her chin on those. “Ah, this is ridiculous. I’m making it sound worse than it is, probably. I don’t know.”

“I... don’t think I can say anything to that. Or rather, I don’t think I should try to say anything to that.”

“Yeah, I know.”

The pony she cared about the most spent all her time with some other pony, and she hardly ever saw her anymore. I didn’t have to guess to know how Scootaloo felt. And right then I knew what it was like seeing that pony again briefly, while knowing they were going to disappear again as soon as we were done here.

“You two love each other, though,” I said. I thought it best to stick to stock phrases. “I’m sure it’ll work out.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“Yeah I am. But I do want you to be happy.”

“I’m happy when I’m around you like this.” She took the hoof out from under her chin, and poked at her cup. “I mean, not happy, really. I’m not happy right now, but I feel... something.”

“ ‘Something’?” My insides were tugging at each other.

“Like, content or whatever.” She was mumbling into her arm, slumped on the table like a bored child. “I forgot how great it is being just being around you. It’s really great, just this. Maybe I should’ve... ah, I don’t know. It’s just—”

Something won my internal battle, at that. Frustration and anger boiled up above everything else. That was more than I was willing to put up with.

“Okay, stop right there, please,” I said, but not in a way that seemed like there should’ve been a “please” in it.

Her head snapped up.

“No,” she said, “I just meant—”

“If you give me some stupid piece of hope to cling onto now, after all of this, I really will hate you. And probably keep right on being in love with you forever.”

She slumped back down. “Sorry.”

“You better be.”

There was real hurt in Scootaloo’s face. She meant what she said in a completely honest way—maybe even naively. I felt terrible.

I couldn’t keep it together after all. Those months of getting over it were nothing next to an eternity of being in love with her. Why was it that being in love with her stopped me from being able to do anything for her when she needed it? Useless. What a useless feeling. It got in the way to the point where I couldn’t do anything except act terribly. It stopped me from being able to enjoy being around her. How could a feeling like that possibly do any good for anyone? Useless.

Besides, I knew I couldn’t let myself read too much into their lovers problems—it was just a few minor hiccups along the way. If it was really bad, and Scootaloo couldn’t stand it any more, she’d leave Rainbow Dash without a second thought. No one could make Scootaloo do anything she didn’t want to—not even Rainbow Dash. Definitely not me.

I expected Scootaloo to leave, but she stayed seated. “Hey,” she said, “can I stay over at your place tonight? I haven’t been there since you moved in. I kind of want to see it. And... I don’t really want to go home tonight.”

“That’s not fair.”

“Mmm, maybe not. Can I come over anyway?”

Maybe I should’ve said no. “Okay,” I said.

So she did. We walked over to my place, her old place, and it was weird to reach for the key myself instead of Scootaloo. It was almost like old times, but it felt weird.

Scootaloo went and sat on the couch and I offered her a drink which she said no to.

“Oh hey,” she said, “have you been keeping up with Stables? I totally got back into it!”

“I haven’t really been reading Stables,” I said. I hadn’t read comics in awhile.

“Oh,” she said.

I couldn’t do it. I hadn’t fully stepped in the house yet. I couldn’t.

“It’s fine if you want to stay here, but I’m going to go stay at Rarity’s.”

“Oh,” Scootaloo said.

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“Okay,” she said.

“Here, I’ll leave you the key, just leave it under the mat when you go.”

“Okay.”

I left.

I didn’t feel great about it, and I worried I had wronged her somehow. Still, I felt like I owed it to myself. I was sure it'd be better for me than staying there with her. I felt like I might be acting like a bad friend, but I’m pretty sure I stopped being able to be a good friend as soon as I fell in love with her.

Rarity was surprised when I showed up at her place asking if I could stay over, but she didn’t make a big deal about it. I didn’t explain anything to her, but she understood somehow. We just had tea and hardly talked, but it was nice.

I felt like I had made a sensible decision. Even if I wasn’t as over it as I hoped I’d been, I was sure this was a step in the right direction. Whatever that was worth.