I slowly ascended the staircase of our home among the clouds, heading up for bed when a sound reached my ears.
It was Dashie and she was crying…my daughter rarely cried and when she did she would just wipe the tears away and act like she was fine, in the fear that she would seem weak in the eyes of others…she was such a tomboy…just like her mother.
But, this wasn’t just crying-it was full on sobbing-which meant something was definitely wrong.
Life had suddenly become so much harder in so many ways after Firefly died…when I found out she was pregnant with Dashie, I was terrified-not because I didn’t want a foal-it was because I had no idea how to deal with them and the prospect of being a father was quite intimidating in that regard.
Especially when it came to talking and relating to others of the opposite sex, I was an only child and the only woman I’d ever had any real interaction with was my mother.
I slowly continued step by step (I was getting to old to fly around the house all the time like Dashie did) and silently cursed to myself as one of the steps creaked when a put my hoof on it-noting the irony of our species could perform marvels like being able to build structure from and on top of clouds-but, not steps that wouldn’t creek.
One thing I’ve learned about my daughter when it came to her pride was that she was like a wild deer…if you wanted to have a meaningful conversation with her about her problems; you had to approach her quietly and carefully, otherwise you’d scare her back into her cocky self.
Fortunately, that didn’t seem as if that would be an issue; as her sobbing continued so did my ascent and I wondered what could have gotten my only daughter so upset-was someone bullying her?
Was she hurt?
Slowly, and ever so carefully I opened it up just a crack to see my daughter laying on her stomach and sobbing into her pillow uncontrollably.
“Dashie?” I asked softly.
She didn’t seem to hear me as she continued sobbing.
I opened the door a little wider and slowly let myself in as I approached her bed.
Anyone who stumbled in would have been able to tell right when they entered that flying was her one true passion; every part of her room which wasn’t made up of cloud was sky blue-the walls, the ceiling, even her beds sheets and pillows!
Most of her bedroom walls were obscured by her idols; the Wonderbolts-world renowned athletes, racers, and aerial stunt performers-Dashie based her entire life around them.
There were so many of them coming and going into their roster that I couldn’t keep track, but she knew everything about them from the dates they left or joined, their stats and personal athletic records, as well as the background of there lives before they became Wonderbolts and tried to keep tabs on the new of any old or retired members in case they ever possibly decided to return to the team.
I would often chuckle to myself while observing her, I only wished could be as enthusiastic about her school work and put as much effort into it…she practically worshipped them.
There was also our city’s flag, which was tacked on the wall above her head-it always filled me with pain looking upon it-I would always wind up staring blankly at it, remembering the time Cloudsdale was in the running to host the Equestria Games and she was so excited, jumping up and down on my back in anticipation-she couldn’t have been happier, until the news hit.
The Games were announced to be held in Fillydelphia and while we were all disappointed in our lost opportunity-it hit Dashie the hardest-she wailed in despair, jumping off my back and staring glumly at the clouds we were standing on.
Heartbreak is the only word I can think of to describe the emotion she felt at our city losing our one big chance, and that’s what I felt for her-but, at the same time even that wasn’t strong enough.
As adults, Firefly and I had realized and accepted that was a definite possible outcome before we even arrived and we tried to warn Dashie-to prepare her in the vain hope that our words could preemptively soften the blow.
We told her that the Games weren’t really all that big of a deal, but without saying anything she just gave us a look that told us we were wrong; because it was important to her.
Remembering this, I just wanted to throw my arms around her right there and try to comfort her, to make all of the pain go away.
But, I could also tell from the tears welling up in her eyes that she trying her hardest not to cry-especially not in public where so many people could see her-I desperately looked to my wife, ludicrously hoping that her maternal instincts would conjure some magical solution out of thin air.
I glanced towards her, conveying a look of desperation-but, she seemed to be just as lost as I was.
Firefly truly was an incredible mare, but even she didn’t have all the answers.
I sighed before kneeling down so the two of us were face to face and we could talk father to daughter.
“Dashie, are you okay?” I asked softly, already aware of the answer.
She shook her head, multi-colored strands of her frilly prismatic mane moving with it and shimmering in the setting sun.
“Do you want to go home?”
She nodded.
“Y-yeah.” She sniffed.
“Okay, let’s go then.” I whispered as I picked her up, she wrapped her little arms around my neck for support before climbing up onto my back once more.
As I glanced back at my wife, I could see her pink coat turn even brighter as she picked up the flag Dashie dropped with her mouth and before catching up with us.
Her blue mane and bandana flapped wildly through the air as we headed home as I couldn’t help but admire her beauty and the similarities between her and our daughter.
Once at home she had insisted that I get some rest after having such a long day and carrying such a hyperactive filly on my back for most of it, which I and my aching back muscles readily agreed to, so she could have a mother-daughter talk with Dashie.
That was the last night the two of us would ever be able to sleep together in the same bed.
Another powerful sob brought me back to the present.
Dashie seemingly only had two emotions since the accident; cockiness and anger…whenever she’d start to cry she’d criticize herself for being weak-I’d even caught herself staring into the bathroom mirror and shouting at herself to; ‘Suck it up’.
So for something to get her this upset, it had to be a huge deal and a briefly wondered if kids at school were picking on her.
She was more or less curled up into a ball, clutching a doll of Spitfire-she was the one Wonderbolt I could remember, because she reminded me so much of Firefly and Dashie-she was the youngest Captain the team has ever had at the age of fifteen and she had the same cocky attitude and fire in her eyes as the two most important fillies in my life.
Firefly had gotten a doll (which was a term Rainbow resented stating that dolls were what fillies use to have tea parties with and emphasized that she was an ‘action figure’)-I hadn’t seen her cuddled up with that old thing since the day her mother died and I immediately found this to be another red flag that something was really wrong.
“Dashie?” I repeated, advancing on her slowly.
“D-dad?” she asked, finally taking notice of my presence as she lifted her head off the pillow and wiped the tears from her eyes with the back of her hoof.
“What are you doing in here?”
Her eyes were red and puffy from all of the crying and she was still clutching the Spitfire doll at her side like a security blanket.
“I could hear you crying from all the way downstairs…is everything okay?” I asked, kneeling down on the bed next to her.
“Y-yeah…everything’s fine.”
“Dashie…” I sighed. “You know I don’t like it when you lie to me and I know that something’s wrong because I could hear you crying and you’re holding Spitfire.”
“I-I don’t want to talk about it…” she replied, lowering her head and averting her gaze. “You’ll just get mad at me.”
“Hey…” I lifted her chin up with a hoof so her eyes were looking into mine. “I’m sure that whatever you’re going to tell can’t be that bad-and even if I do get angry sometimes-you are my daughter and there is nothing in the world you could say or do to stop me from loving you.”
For a brief second her lip quivered and I feared she was going to cry again, but instead she seemed to be steeling herself.
“I’m a…a…F-fuh…Fillyfooler!” she choked, before squeezing her eyes shut and clutching the doll to her chest before turning her back to me and collapsing back onto the pillow again when she continued her sobbing.
I wasn't sure how long I sat there stunned.
Did I hear her right?
Sure, she may have used the word-but, did even know what it meant?
In hindsight, I guess I shouldn’t have been so surprised.
When my friends and I were colts at her age, we were nowhere near as innocent as our parents thought we were.
I leaned over and slowly began massaging the back muscles between her wings to help her relax as her mother and I had done when she was a baby.
She turned her head to look at me with tears still streaming down her face.
“Sweetie…do you even know what that word means?”
“Mm-hmm…”
“What does it mean?”
“It muh-means that I like other fillies in a way that I’m only supposed to like colts…that I’m a freak...and…and you won’t want me anymore.” She sniffed.
“No. That’s not true-you’re not a freak and I would never throw you out-I told you already; you’re my daughter and I will always love you no matter what. And I don’t ever want you thinking anything like that about yourself again.”
I pulled her towards me and embraced her in a tight hug before rocking back and forth.
“I love you Dashie…Daddy loves you so much…”
“L-love you too, Dad.” She replied softly.
I don’t know how long we stayed together like that, but after a while she looked me in the eyes again and asked me;
“Do you think Mom would be okay with me…being the way I am?”
I couldn’t help but chuckle at that.
Firefly had discovered she was bisexual around the age of twelve and had come to terms with it at fifteen, despite liking stallions she was never comfortable with anything beyond a kiss…until she’d met me (whatever she saw in me-I’ll never know.)
“What’s so funny?” Dashie asked, cocking her head to the side.
“Nothing.” I replied, smiling back down at her wiping the tears from her cheeks. “Something tells me Mom would be pretty cool with it, too.”
I let her lie back down on the bed and pulled the covers over her after making sure she still had Spitfire in her arms.
“Why don’t you try to get some sleep now, okay?”
Getting up from her bed, I was prepared to return to the emptiness of myself and Firefly’s room before I was interrupted.
“Dad…”
Slowly turning back around, I could still see her face through the darkness and I could also see that she was struggling with the decision of whether or not to ask me something.
“What is it, sweetie?” I asked gently.
“C-can you stay with me…” she asked, seeing my shocked expression her face became more red than cyan as she blushed. “J-just for tonight?” she added quickly.
“Sure…are you still afraid I’ll leave you by yourself?”
She shook her head.
“I just don’t want to be alone…”
Ever since Firefly’s death, going to bed was something I had always dreaded-bed felt so empty without her-and even with the knowledge that Dashie was in her own room down the hall, it still felt like the house was empty and that I was all alone.
…A failure as a husband and a father.
Dashie and I had also become emotionally distant from each other since then, the last meaningful conversation we’d had was completely heartbreaking for both of us as I had to explain to her the cruel concept of death that bad things sometimes happened to good people.
It warmed my heart that there was the possibility of us being a happy family again…even if it was just the two of us.
“Sure.”
I lay down next to her as she curled up next to me, we embraced each other once again as we shut our eyes.
“I miss her…” she whispered sadly.
“I know.” I replied. “So do I…but, I promise I will always love and take care of you no matter what happens…so I don’t you to ever have to worry about that.”
She hugged me tightly.
“I don’t want to lose you too…”
“You won’t, I promise.”
Before too long we both fell into slumber.
That was the night that there was a newfound sense of trust between us and the rest of the week I gradually began to notice that our bond as father and daughter was strengthened, she opened and confided in me more.
It also gave her the courage to tell me the truth about getting kicked out of Flight School, from standing up for one of her friends in front of a group of school bullies-ever the cocky one (again, like her mother) she challenged them to a race before creating the world’s first ever recorded Sonic Rainboom.
Of course, everyone else accused her of making it up but there was a Sonic Boom recorded that day by many eye-witnesses, one reportedly so powerful that it shattered the visible light spectrum resulting in a Rainbow.
The school wouldn’t allow her to come back and accused me of encouraging her ‘wild delusions’ but I knew she had done it.
As I sit here reflecting upon these events now, I eagerly (and perhaps a little anxiously) await my daughter’s visit and the introduction of her new marefriend.
