Author's Note
This piece was written in early 2012 as a response to both The Last Roundup and the subsequent #SaveDerpy campaign, and thus is colored by the events of that time.
Changes
If there was one thing that can always be counted on, it’s that, I, Derpy Hooves, always get up at on time. Being a mailmare is harder than it looks; one needs to be ready at all times! Especially in a town as busy as Ponyville.
Today was no exception. With a stretch and a great yawn, I leapt out of bed, ready to take on the day. It was the same routine I go through every day. Yet, it never seems to get old. There’s always something to smile about! Whether it be muffins, my daughter Dinky, or even the various friends I’ve throughout town, something is always there to cheer me up when I’m down.
Another thing that always makes me happy: showers! Showers are nice. Especially in the morning, right after you get up. Yeah. So, I took one! And I made bubbles, too! I’ve always like bubbles, so shiny and round and floaty...but that doesn’t have much to do with my story at all!
So, after I took my shower, I stood in front of the mirror to brush my teeth. Down the hall I could hear Dinky getting up, too. She’s such a good little filly. But I couldn’t appreciate it for very long. When I looked in the mirror, my eyes...they were all weird!
Well, not weird. They were normal. Which was weird. Is that weird? I think so. Anyway, they were perfectly straight. I waited a few seconds for them to ‘derp’ again(for lack of a better term). But they didn’t! They stayed normal!
“What’s going on?”
I nearly jumped. My...my voice! It was so high! I sounded like one of those fillies from Dream Valley! Was I coming down with something? Maybe I should have taken the day off...no! “Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night, stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.” That was the oath I took, and I was sticking to it! No cold could stand in my way! I AM DERPY HOOVES!
So, I brushed my teeth and combed my hair. It was a bit weird, what with my new eyes staring back at me, but I got used to it eventually.
As I walked down the hall to the kitchen, I noticed another thing: I could see! Well, I could always see, but not very well. That’s why some ponies think I’m stupid, because I always crash into things. But it’s not my fault I have no depth perception! Blame my great-great-great-great-great-grandmother, what with her wonky eyes. Was this because my eyes were normal now? I should probably have checked with my ophthalmologist.
We were out of muffins, so I started making toast. My little muffin, Dinky, came out a few minutes later. I was expecting her to be surprised; I was holding a knife, after all. There was an incident once involving a bagel, a book and a tree, and, well...let’s just say that I had promised the mayor never to use a knife for anything again. But my eyes were normal now, so I figured, what the hay?
But Dinky just sat at the table like nothing happened. “Good morning, mommy!” she called.
I smiled. Looks like some things never change. I flew and gave her a big hug. “Good morning, little filly!” I said. I was expecting her to find my voice and my eyes weird too, but she didn’t say anything. In fact, she didn’t even look fazed. She just returned the hug before playing with a toy she had found on the table. I decided not to mention it.
So, we had breakfast, and I walked her to school. It was really crowded there, like every morning. Dinky goes to the Low School, which is for little fillies and colts. In two more years, she’ll graduate to the Middle School, and, three years after that, to the High School! I’m so proud of her. I let her run off with her best friend, Pipsqueak. Once, Dinky told me that she had a crush on him. I didn’t tell her then, but I’m pretty sure he feels the same way.
Oh, to be young and in love...
“Hey, Ditzy!”
I snickered a bit at the name I had just heard. I stopped right away though, as a wave of guilt hit me. I knew what it felt like to have a strange name like that.
“Ditzy, over here!”
I was actually one in a very long line of Derpys. The first was, again, my great-great-great-great-great-grandmother. Thanks a lot, gramma.
“DITZY! MUFFINS!”
I immediately whipped my head around. I didn’t care who this Ditzy pony was, I had a craving for some muffins. Well, I’m not sure it could be called a craving. Is it a craving if you always have it? Oh, whatever. Anyway, I looked to where the sound was coming from. Usually, because of my eyes, it would take a while, but I was able to find it right away now.
Standing a few meters away was my best friend, Carrot Top. She was waving at...me? What? My name isn’t Ditzy. A shouted a quick ‘goodbye’ and ‘I love you’ to Dinky before flying over to her.
She smiled. “Hey, Ditzy. Why did you take so long to respond?”
I gave her a questioning look. “What’s with this Ditzy name?” I asked. Honestly, I didn’t like it very much. But if I told her that, things might get a bit awkward. She had always been afraid that she would do something to offend me one day.
“What do you mean?”
“Why did you call me Ditzy?”
“Well, that’s your name.”
I blinked. “No it’s not.”
She laughed before giving me a joking look. “Fine then. What is your name?”
“...Derpy Hooves.”
Now Carrot Top looked...offended? Disgusted would be a better word. “Ditzy,” she said, “that’s not funny. My uncle was mentally handicapped. I don’t like you using that word.”
I gave her a weird look. “What word? ‘Derpy?’”
“Yeah!”
“But...that’s my name!”
Carrot Top stamped her hoof. “No, it’s not! Stop being rude!”
I gaped. Then I realized: nopony had asked me about my eyes, or even my voice. What was going on? I looked around for any secret cameras; I had seen those shows. They set you up, and then the pony with the camera comes out and says ‘You just got punk’d!’ Everything seemed normal, so I turned back to my friend, who was looking at me funny.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m looking for the...oh, never mind, do you notice anything about me that’s different?”
Carrot Top frowned. “Well, besides the fact you’re being really mean, no.”
“You mean, nothing’s wrong with my voice? What about my eyes?” I leaned in really close to her so she could take in everything.
“Your eyes are fine!” she yelped, pushing me away. “Now, are you going to apologize or what?”
I facehooved. “MY NAME IS DERPY HOOVES! It’s not Ditzy!”
Now a bunch of ponies nearby were giving me dirty looks. “What,” I cried, “do you have a problem with my name too?” I didn’t wait for an answer. Before Carrot Top could do anything, I flew away, bound for the post office. That was weird.
I got there in a few minutes. When I went inside, I headed straight for the mailroom, where I would get my letters and packages to deliver. Besides my house, the post office was probably my favorite place in town. It was always so full of life!
On my way, I passed by my mailpony friend, Speedy. He’s a pegasus, just like me, except he’s yellow-and-brown instead of grey-and-yellow. His real name was Quicky, but apparently that means something else which he told me not to look up, so he changed it. Don’t tell him, but I went and looked it up...let’s just say that I can understand why he wanted to change it.
“Hey, Ditzy.” he said to me.
“Derpy,” I corrected.
He stopped in his tracks and stared at me. “What did you call me?”
I laughed. “Oh no, I was just-”
“Are you calling me a retard?”
Now I was the one who froze. “No, no, I would never-”
“What the hay is your problem?!” he cried. “I thought we were friends!”
“No, we are!”
“Yeah, I bet, retard! How do you like it?”
What? How...I didn’t call him a retard! I was just telling him my real name! What’s wrong with everypony?! I stormed off, trying to hold back tears. I didn’t like being called a retard; I never had.
Later, I was on my route. Now that my eyes were straight, it was a bit easier. But my voice still freaked me out. Everypony used to tell me that I sounded like a boy, but I didn’t care! I like sounding like a boy! And, even if they caused me trouble sometimes, I like my eyes, too! They make me who I am. And I love who I am.
“LOOK OUT!”
I just barely moved in time to avoid Ponyville’s resident thrill-seeker, Rainbow Dash, from ripping through me like a bullet. That was when it hit me: Rainbow Dash! She would remember me! Sure, she didn’t exactly like me...in fact, when we were at Junior Speedsters together, her and that griffon outright hated me. But she was the living embodiment of Loyalty! She had to help.
Rainbow spun to face me. She smiled. “Oh, hey, Ditzy! What’s up?”
Approaching her, I groaned. “Please, my name isn’t Ditzy!”
She frowned. “Oh, sorry. I’m pretty bad with names...what is it, then?”
“Derpy Hooves.”
Instead of getting mad, she laughed! That was good...I thought. Well, it was better than being angry, at least. And she kept laughing...and laughing...and laughing. Now, I was starting to get mad. I didn’t like it when people laughed at me. I hadn’t even told a joke!
“Oh, oh, that’s amazing!” she cried. “I’m just imagining it: some stupid pony, flying around, crashing into stuff! Oh, that’s a good one, Ditzy.”
“But, but, I-”
“HAHAHAHA! Oh, Celestia, my stomach hurts! And, and, imagine if, like, she had crossed eyes or something?! Oh, it’d be like, she’d break something, then she’d be like ‘I just don’t know what went wrong!’ HAHAHA!”
I felt myself begin to cry. But I held it back; I hadn’t cried in front of anypony since I was little. I was a grown mare now. “Oh...okay.” I said. “I-I have to go. Bye.” And I flew away as fast as I could. I heard Rainbow yell something after me, but I didn’t hear what.
My next delivery was to Sugarcube Corner. I really just wanted to get in and out as fast as possible. I didn’t know what was going on. All I knew was that I didn’t like it. When I got there, Mr. Cake was outside, sweeping the steps. He waved me over.
“Hey there, Ditzy!” he cheered. “What do ya got...for...us? Ditzy, is something wrong?”
I guess he noticed how red my eyes were. I felt like correcting him, but, really, what was the point? He was a father, and would probably get offended too. So I just sighed, and said, “No, nothing. I’m just having a hard day.” A handed him his package. “See ya later.”
But before I could fly off, I heard Mr. Cake call my name. “Wait!” he cried. “Why don’t you come inside for a bit? I can get some fresh-baked muffins ready!”
I could feel my mouth start to fill with saliva. Despite my worries, I just couldn’t bring myself to refuse free muffins. So, I went in, sat down at a table, and put my head on my hooves. Whenever a pony passed, they would greet me. Always Ditzy. What kind of bizarro world had I stepped into?
“HIYA, DERPY!”
A took a quick glance at the bright pink pony that had seated herself across from me. “Hi, Pinkie Pie,” I muttered. “How are...wait, what did you call me?”
Pinkie didn’t stop smiling. “Derpy.”
“N-Not Ditzy?”
“No. That’s a silly name! Wait...do you want me to call you Ditzy?”
I started to flail madly. “No! Never! Please, call me Derpy, call me Derpy!”
“Okie-doki-loki!” Pinkie whooped, oblivious to the angry stares I had gotten. “So, what’s up? What’s with the long face? And why are your eyes all normal? And why is your voice so high? Have you been eating helium?! Because, this one time, I-”
“No, listen!” I implored. “You’re the first pony today to notice that! I don’t know what’s going on, but everypony thinks this is completely normal! And they keep calling me Ditzy! I just don’t know what to do...”
Pinkie scratched her chin. “Hmm...I’ve seen this before.”
“You have?!”
“Yep!”
There was silence.
“So...can you tell me what to do?”
“Yep!”
More silence.
“TELL ME!”
Pinkie held up her hooves defensively. “Fine, fine, no need to get all snippy! I’ll be back lickety-split!” And, just like that, she was gone. But, before I could put my head back down, she was back! With a tray of muffins! And they were blueberry...my favorite! I reached for one, but she hit my hoof away. “No touchie!” she said.
Very carefully, she lifted up two muffins that I could have sworn weren’t there before. One was pure red, the other, pure blue. She pushed them toward me.
“Now, you have a choice to make,” she said in a deep, grave voice. “You take the blue muffin: the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red muffin: you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.”
I stared at her. “What?”
“Just eat the blue one!”
And so, I did. Immediately, I felt something erupt inside of me. It began in my stomach. Then, like a rocket, it traveled upwards, up through me, until my chest felt like it was going to burst...
BURRRRP
What.
I looked at Pinkie in shock. “No...Nothing happened!”
She giggled. “Look up!”
I looked up. Coming at me, faster than I could even react was an alligator. ...It had no teeth, but still IT WAS AN ALLIGATOR. I tried to scream, but before I could, its wet jaws clamped down on me!
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!” I screamed, thrashing wildly.
“Mommy?”
I opened my eyes. It was dark, but I could clearly make out familiar pictures and objects. I...I was in my room! I looked to my side. Standing next to my bed, a teddy bear draped over her back, was Dinky.
I breathed hard. “Yes, Dinky?” I asked. I almost jumped. My voice was deep again! I SOUNDED LIKE A BOY! Before the filly could answer, I rushed into my bathroom. On the way there, I crashed into the doorframe about three times. I looked into the mirror. My eyes were messed up again! I HAD NO DEPTH PERCEPTION!
I dashed back to Dinky, who was staring at me in sleepy-eyed confusion. “Dinky,” I said, “what’s my name?!”
“Huh?”
“WHAT’S MY NAME?!”
She rubbed her eyes. “Derpy. Can I sleeeeeWWWOAH!” she cried as I lifted her into the air, giving her as big of a hug as I could muster. “Mommy, you’re tickling me! Haha!”
“Oh, Dinky, I had the worst dream! I’m so glad I’m awake!”
After another minute of air-cuddling, I put her back onto the bed. She stared at me warily. “I had a bad dream too. Can I sleep with you?”
I pulled her into the bed beside me. “Of course you can, my little muffin. Sleep tight.”
“Hey, mommy?” Dinky started, her eyes closed.
“Yes?”
“I love you.”
I nuzzled her little forehead. “I love you too.”
So, the moral of the story is: don't eat jalapeno muffins before bedtime.
