Step 1: Get a slide whistle
It was one of those pleasant days; it was one of those days for Pinkie Pie, the kind of day where her alarm would ring early in the morning and think nothing of it as she slammed it and hopped down the stairs. Her morning shower would be pleasant, her breakfast with the cakes and the twins would be pleasant, her local greeting with everypony in town- or at least the ones who weren’t sleepy heads –would be pleasant, it all would lead up to a pleasant morning.
Today was a special day! Yes, it was one of those special days when anxiety melts away like a fresh slab of butter on freshly crisped toast. She had been waiting for this special day for a long time, a very long time. Her saddlebag that she wore strapped across her middle was filled with her well-earned bits and it jingled in tune with her melodic hums. Eyes fell on her in curiosity, as even the happiest pony in all of Ponyville wasn’t this, well, happy.
For the past week, Pinkie Pie had been hard at work after a life changing incident. How she had never seen or heard of one of these before, she hadn’t the slightest clue, but from the moment she saw one, she knew what had to happen. She had to have one. At first, she thought she had enough in savings. As it would turn out, Gummy’s recent trips to the veterinarian after his teething incidents put a bigger dent in her wallet than she realized.
It all was worth it to her. She was going to finally get one and put a plan into motion that she had been waiting to do for a long time. And think of all the other uses for it! Parties, surprise events, snooping, cooking, cleaning, hanging out with her friends, races, competitions, even opening a door! Oooh, she had to add that to her list. There was nothing this thing couldn’t handle, she thought.
At last, she reached the shop she was dead set on. It was a house with a flute painted over the door. It was one of the more recent shops that had been modified to fit into a house where the shop was downstairs and the living was upstairs, much like the Cake’s. The words read, “Frankies Frankly Fantastic Flutes!” The name struck the right chord with her, giving her a small but controlled chuckle as she pushed open the door. A bell hanging over the top dinged as she stepped inside and admired the shop.
It was simple in design. Glass cabinets with instruments lined the gray, carpeted walls and despite the house’s small size, it actually had quite a large selection of wind instruments. In the middle of the room hung a few other replicas of various designs and colors, seemingly hung at random. Her eyes were drawn to a sign that simply stated, “Step here and look forward.” On the floor was a crude red X. Throwing caution to the wind, she placed herself there and looked forward and immediately smiled.
“Oh! Neat! It’s a musical pony! And it’s playing a flute.”
A door in the back opened and a brass-coat stallion with a greyed yellow mane walked in, tipping his almost color matching fedora on his head at Pinkie Pie before hanging it on a sole hook on the wall. With a gentle smile, he greeted, “Ms. Pink! I see you have returned!”
“Good morning, Franky.” She hopped to the desk with the cash register while Franky walked to the one case he knew she wanted. “And how is little Lute today?”
He chuckled, fiddling with a key ring. “Her cold is gone and she’s back in school. I must say, her reception has been very warm thanks to you. She’s having a wonderful time at school. I do wish her mother could see her smiling again,” he finished with a soft sigh.
“Glad to hear,” she replied with a hint of reservation. She had always pondered what he meant by that, but it wasn’t the time or place and she shook the thought aside. “Is my delivery ready?” She watched him walk back across the store and to the desk. As if on cue, a wrapped package with a pink bow was placed there.
“Straight to the point, I like that. Now, I know you said you wanted the best I could find- and then make a better one – but I have to ask, Ms. Pie, why a slide whistle? Violins don’t cost this much, or even my best flute.”
“I saw you at the park with Lute the day you came into town and I thought, ‘If you were having that much fun at that age, imagine how much fun I could have with my energy!’ I told Twilight and she sounded a lot like you at first, but then I said it was mathmagically unpossible for me not to have as much fun or more!” Her eyes went wide as she remembered something and then shoved her entire head into her left saddlebag and popping back out with a scroll decorated with numbers and symbols the old stallion barely remembered from his high school days.
“See, FUN is equal to age times happiness to the power of imagination divided by bad experiences minus wisdom plus negative feelings.”
The stallion looked up for a brief moment and was surprised to see her hair was in a bun with a pen resting on her ear and reading glasses on her nose. He watched with impressed eyes as a pointing stick strapped to her hoof forcibly swatted each value.
“Age is measured by age while happiness is measured by a logarithmic algorithm of content and contempt. Happiness in this equation is assuming previous happiness, which shouldn’t matter when wanting to attain maximum fun, so landing this value as close to one as you possibly can is the best. The score of imagination has to be individually tested for and can land in between one and four. People with higher ages tend to have lower imagination scores due to this value.”
She huffed, and the continued. “Every bad experience generates what I call a series of ‘sores’. Each sore has a base value of point one, and the trauma of the experience, based on a scale of one to ten, is multiplied by the amount sores. The book of sores,” she hefted out a textbook with her face on it studying a band aid with a magnifying glass, titled “Sore enough?”, and opened it directly to the page she sought, “has a scale system. The lower the bruise, the lower the sores. Usually, it’s best to round down so some incidents equivocate to approximately zero sores. This eventually accumulates to your bad experience number. Now wisdom on the other hoof h-“
Franky coughed. “Ms. Pie, I think I understand what you mean.”
Her hair poofed out and she returned her educational belongings to her bags. “Personally, your fun score didn’t stand a chance. My I.M. was a five point three on a four point scale; the numbers were tipped in my favor.”
“Well with math like that, it’s hard to deny your decision.” He grinned and pulled on the bow string. The cloth fell off in neat triangles to reveal the final product. “Behold, the best slide whistle not yet known to all of Equestria.” His eyes got in close to the instrument, hovering over as he named each piece. “The reed was carved from a slim piece of bark from an ancient griffon tree by Iliad himself! The main chamber was cast in dragon’s breath and forged from three thousand year old dragon crystals. If you’ve ever heard of Crystal Clear, this instrument would put her legacy to shame. And last, but certainly not the least, is the slider itself. Fashioned from Changling fang, this slider morphs can conforms to the shape constantly, creating a smooth but powerful slide every time.” He nodded as Pinkie Pie oo’d and walked into the middle of the room. He pulled a small table behind him and placed a wine glass full of water on top of it. He grabbed the instrument with a careful hoof and raised it to his lips. “Observe.”
With the skill and precision of an expert flutist, he breathed into the instrument. A noise-less reverberation bounced through the room and focused on the glass. It wiggled in place and then without warning, it shattered into perfectly square pieces. But what surprised Pinkie the most was how the water continued to remain afloat in the air in an orb, seemingly ignoring gravity. It wasn’t until Frankly coughed that the suspended liquid dropped unceremoniously onto the table, sending a bit of glass over the edge.
“Whooooa. Can I try!?”
“Whoa is right and no, not until you pay. I admit, at first I was a bit worried about your record of credit-” he scratched behind his head, “-but when you showed me a forty page list of every debt you’ve repaid to the last bit.”
Pinkie made a “Psshaw” sound, waving a hoof at the very notion she wouldn’t repay anypony. “Nopony likes a Debby Debter.”
“I thought it was Debby Downer?”
Pinkie frowned for a moment. “I need to meet this Debby, she doesn’t sound like a happy pony.”
“No.” Franky blew a lone strand of hair out of his face. “No she does not.” He stood next to the register and began typing in the values. “Well, your grand total for this slide whistle is four thousand and twelve bits.”
As if it was nothing, Pinkie Pie plopped a purse of payment proudly and promptly to purchase her product. Wide-eyed, he scooted the bag to him and poured the bits inside of a bit counting machine hidden underneath the desk.
“Ms. Pie. This is four thousand and five hundred bits!”
“I never forget to tip!”
He shook his head. “No no, I can’t except such a genero-“ he stopped when his customer gave him a mute expression.
“Franky, be sure to get Lute something super nice on her birthday.” She leaned in closer, holding a hoof over her mouth even though nopony else was in the room. “I heard she’s been wanting a big filly lute to practice on.”
“That’s much too kind of you, Ms. Pie. I simply cann-“
“Can take it?”
“No, I w-“
“will accept it?”
“Please stop inter-“
“enterprising your generosity for your granddaughter?”
“Okay that last one doesn’t make any s-“
“cents that would help her?”
“You’ve made your p-“
“Purchase? No no, pickle! No, wait! Point!”
He nodded. “Here’s your slide whistle, Pinkie Pie. I do hope you get as much enjoyment out of it as you can, though I imagine with you that shouldn’t be too hard. Just remember, this isn’t a toy. If you abuse what that slide whistle can do, you j-“
Pinkie Pie blew into the reed with a hefty amount of force, filling the shop with a high tweet that made the old stallion cover his ears. Suddenly, there was a cracking noise, and Pinkie Pie stopped. She scanned the room of glass cases to see what she may have broken, but they all looked fine to her.
“What was that?” Pinkie asked Franky, who in turn rubbed his ears with his hooves in a circular motion.
“I wouldn’t be surprised if that was my ear drum, Ms. Pie.”
“Well, thank you for your time, Franky!”
He kept one hoof to his head and waved to the mare. “Goodbye, Ms. Pie. And please, don’t abuse the slide whistle. It has properties you don’t understand.”
“Don’t worry! I’ll be super extra careful!” She held her new whistle to her mouth and faced the door. With giddiness, she pulled it open slightly, just enough to fit her hoof in between. In one swift movement, pushing open the door and sliding the whistle…
Fwooooooooooooooeop!
She then stepped behind it and let he door close behind her.
Fweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeop.
Step 2: Use the slide whistle
Target: Twilight Sparkle
Occupation: Librarian, student, magician, book worm
Mission: Page Turner
Objective: Send her outside
Pinkie rolled the scrap of paper into a thin scroll and tucked it into her mane as she pressed herself as flat as she could against the outside wall just near a window. Her eyes moved across her head to the opening and took a look inside. Twilight Sparkle, sitting on a beanbag chair, was in the middle of the room, reading.
“Target sighted,” she whispered. “Operation page turner is a go.”
With her usual brand of stealth, she pressed open the window and stepped in. Not realizing it was the second story window with no floor beneath, she plummeted to the ground and landed face first with a loud “FWAP.” Recovering quickly, she scurried to a bookshelf along the wall and used her flat face to squeeze in between an opening. She conformed her body into a book and proceeded with the next phase.
She pulled up a walkie talkie. “Pink Snake to Pink Shark, over.”
“Pink Shark… do you read?”
“Pink shark!?”
She put down the talkie. “Drat, Twilight’s good.” She pulled her face out of the shelf and grabbed a few books. Wearing books like a hat and poncho, she walked to the opposite side of the room and slid them off of her body. She looked above her and saw another window exactly where she needed to be in the first place. “I really need to get better ponies for my intelligence department,” she thought to herself.
Shaking off the thought, she pulled out the slide whistle carefully hidden in her tail and silently chuckled.
Twilight turned a page in the book. “Fweeop.”
Her head looked up and about, left and right, but didn’t see anything. Rubbing a hoof in her ear, she continued.
“Fweeop.”
Pinkie darted through the opening above her and let the window slam behind her, immediately drawing the victim’s attention.
“What in the-“ Twilight said, walking to the window. She poked her head out and looked around. Nothing but a normal Ponyville day. With an unsatisfied “Hrmmmm,” she went back in and locked the window.
Like a cloud, Pinkie Pie hopped off of Twilight’s back and clambered gracefully up the stairs. ”Fweeop!”
Then, Pinkie noticed something peculiar. A book from when she had moved earlier also had turned a page. Very quietly, Pinkie slid the whistle. “Fweeop.”
The page turned, with nopony to do it! Gasping in delight, Pinkie Pie aimed her sight at Twilight’s novel.
“Fweeop. Fweeop! Fwowowowowowowowowowooooooooooooop!”
“What in the name of Equestria is-“ Twilight stopped short when her book began to levitate to the strange noise.
“Fwoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeop!”
Twilight rubbed her eyes and shook her head. Yes, that just happened. Floating book. Right there. In front of her. Odd noises.
“I think I need to take a break.” She walked towards the library door and opened it. She looked behind her to see the novel resting on the floor as if nothing had happened. She walked outside and closed the door behind her, shaking her head and mumbling something about fresh air. Pinkie Pie hopped off of the back of the door and jumped, freezing herself in “YEAH!” pose.
Mission accomplished!
Good work, Pinkie Pie, Equestria thanks you.
Target: Spike
Occupation: Dragon, Belcher, baby, assistant, Rarity fan club leader.
Mission: Delivery
Objective: Extremely belchy dupery
Spike couldn’t exactly remember how he had agreed to this or why. It just kind of happened, as almost everything did with Pinkie Pie. For now, he was sitting in a chair just outside of Sweet Apple acres, taking a break from helping Apple Bloom today. The table in front of him was lined with about five bottles of soda, ice cold to the touch. Spike wasn’t against free things, but as to the why he was certainly skeptical about. “So, what’s this about again?”
The mare chortled. “Oh Spikey, I just explained this!”
“I didn’t catch most of it when you, uh, pulled me away from the club house,” he said, pointing a claw over his shoulder.
“Okay okay, one last time.” She sat down in the opposite chair and rested a leg on the table. “Twilight was telling me the other day about dragon fire when I asked her why your fire sends letters. She went on this whole other speech-“ she arced a hoof across the sky as one would following a rainbow “-about transport magic and blah blah, but you already knew this, so I asked her if bigger fire could send bigger letters.” She shrugged and continued, “But Twilight didn’t have an answer for me so I said, ‘Spike should know these things if he’s a dragon!’ So I went to Bubble Brewer’s Crazy Concoction store and picked up the bubbliest, burpiest, giggliest soda I could find!”
“Makes sense,” Spike agreed, eyeing the condensation on the bottles. “We should probably start before the sun warms these up too much, huh?”
“My thoughts exactly!” She popped open the top of the bottle and handed it to Spike which is gladly accepted. Before he could take a sip, Pinkie interrupted and said, “Wait, we have to measure it!” The unusually reasonable mare grabbed a pointing stick from her bag and proceeded to create a perfect grid on the dirt ground without the aid of any measurement tools. She picked up a nearby rock and placed it in the exact center of the five by five. Next, she inflated a balloon and tied it to the weight.
“Okie dokie Spikey Wikey, time to see what your dragon fire can really do!”
He walked to the outside edge. “Should I stand here?”
“Perfect! Ok Spike, let ‘er rip!”
He downed the drink and impulsively let out a weak belch, covering his mouth and excusing himself.
“Hey, don’t let any of that out, we need super big belches and not like those tiny fire’s Twilight was talking about.” Pinkie Pie slapped a hoof over her own mouth this time. That wasn’t very nice of her, how could she have said that to her best dragon pal, Spike? “I’m so-“
“Tiny fires, huh?” Spike said with a frown, his claws folded into fists shaking in unhidden anger. “Well, I guess I need to show just how big these fires can get!”
Not what she intended, but if it got him motivated then her plan could continue much faster. She’d definitely apologize later. Pinkie Promise.
He inhaled enough air to have his stomach swell and unleashed a gaseous fury upon the balloon. Pinkie watched in awe, pretending to scribble down a note on a clipboard that lacked paper, as the tips of the flame almost made contact with the balloon.
“Oooh! You were so close!”
Without needing explanation on what had to be done, the young reptile swiped another beverage from the table and ingested it in one gulp. The chemical reaction must have been instantaneous as a wall of green fire spewed from his mouth, completely enveloping the grid and scorching the ground. Even the rock was gone and the balloon simply didn’t have a chance.
“Nice one! Ok, ok, now let’s try this.” She etched a ten by ten grid into the soil and pulled out a blue mat and an air pump form her bags. “I bet’cha can’t make this entire filly bounce house go away in one fire,” she taunted while pumping the house.
“Piece of cake. Stand back.” Like a minotaur, he puffed his chest and grabbed two sodas, one for each claw. He squeezed the cans, squirting the fire enhancer into his mouth. He swished it around in each cheek and gargled for a brief moment before swallowing. A firey passion resided in his eyes and his scaly stomach could barely seen to be bubbling.
Pinkie Pie pulled the pump’s lever all the way to the top and sat on it. She grabbed the whistle and tweeted,
“Fwoooooooooooooooep!” to signify it was fully inflated.
“Nice slide whistle, where’d you- BEEEEEELCH- get that?”
The party mare looked to her left and smiled, happily noting the huge scorch mark on the ground. “Oh, it’s nothing yet.”
“Yet?”
“Wow, your flame really is super duper huge when you want it to be, Spike! But I bet you can’t make a full grown dragon flame.”
His eyebrows furrowed. “You sayin’ I’m not strong enough?”
Pinkie Pie chuckled slyly, crossing her back legs and propping her chin on a leg as she continued to rest on the air pump. “I’m not saying anything, Spikey. I just don’t think a young baby dragon could possibly do this next challenge. It’s for big boy dragons.”
His eyes said it all. “Challenge accepted.” That and he actually said challenge accepted, which Pinkie found only that much funnier.
The challenge instigator pulled out a tiny scroll out of her saddlebag and dragged a long line behind her. She was about forty feet from the young assistant. She placed the scroll on top of her mane and smiled. “I bet you can’t get this scroll on my head.”
“Wait, with you under it? I dunno, Pinkie, that’s probably not a good idea.”
“Oh come on, Spike! I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t think you could! And I know these things, I have Pinkie sense, remember?”
Truth be told, her spine was slightly arcing and her back left hoof was tapping. She and her senses were unsure if this was actually going to work. She knew it was about a fifty fifty chance because she always felt this feeling during a coin toss.
“Don’t look so worried, Spike, just put your mouth in a O like you’re blowing a bubble!”
“I know how to breathe fire, Pinkie,” he deadpanned. “You absolutely sure about this?”
“Yupper duppers!”
“Well… ok then.” He grabbed three cans and drank them simultaneously. At first, he didn’t feel anything. He poked his belly which seemed unresponsive. “I don’t think I-“ he stopped himself short as the scales on his back tingled. His talons began tapping and he began to sweat. In a hushed, concerned voice, he whimpered, “Oh my.”
“Spike, are you okay over th-“
B
E
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U
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R
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R
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P!
Pinkie walked backwards a few steps, letting the char and ash fall off of her body. She sniffed the air and then looked up, finding the source of the odd smell. She clasped her hooves over the tip of her mane and extinguished the remaining flame.
“Whoa, what was awesome! Again again!”
The overzealous mare noticed her companion lying down on the ground, rubbing his belly and groaning. Maybe she had taken the last bit a little too far.
“Spike? Spiiiike!?” the familiar voice of Twilight called from a nearby hill. She caught sight of Pinkie and rushed over, panic and worry painted across her face. “What happened here?” She levitated the small dragon onto her back and let him lie down.
“I… got… the… big flame,” he managed to say before passing out.
“Spike was just showing me how big he could get his flame to be! You should have seen it Twilight-“
“I did see it!” she interrupted, her voice worry stricken. “I saw it all the way from Ponyville! He didn’t have-“ She looked at the table full of crushed cans. “Oh sweet merciful Celestia.”
“It’s… ok… Twilight. I got it all –uuuurp –out.”
“Like hay you did, Mr.” she scolded. She returned to her party friend and shot her friend an annoyed glare. “What were you guys doing out here anyways?”
“I’m sorry, Twilight. I just got all super excited when you told me you didn’t know about bigger dragon fire sending bigger things. Since you always like to know things, and you didn’t know something, I thought I’d try and help you know it!” She pointed to the three scorch marks on the ground. “And from what we saw, it definitely does! Spike even sent an entire bouncy castle!”
Twilight’s face went from panic to fear. “You sent a bouncy castle to Princess Celestia directly!?”
“Don’t you remember, she’s visiting a foreigner’s daughter’s birthday today as part of a peace negotiation at Shellock Beach? They’ll totally get a kick out of it.”
The librarian released a sigh she didn’t realize she was holding. “Right… I had.”
Spike belched once more and a letter appeared in mid-air and floated to Pinkie. She unraveled it and read it out loud.
Dear Pinkamena Diane Pie
That was a good call on the bounce house, the young filly was about to possibly “die of boredom” at the beach, saying there was nothing to do. Your timing is unimaginably exceptional as always. What do they say these days? “I owe you one?” Whatever that one is, I do owe it to you.
~Princess Celestia
“See?”
Twilight giggled. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry for snapping at you it’s, well, I was worried about Spike.”
“I understand,” she replied, nodding. “I hope you feel better, Spike.” She turned around for a second and then turned right back around. “Oh! Before I forget, I’m planning something super special tonight! Could you help me tell everypony to meet at the town square tonight?” She scuffed a hoof in the soil and held it up, completely covered in ash. “I have a mess to clean before Applejack comes out and throws a fit bigger than Sweet Apple Acres.”
Her friends nodded. “Of course, Pinkie. Mind telling me what it is?”
“I can’t tell you what a surprise is, Twilight. Then it’s not a ♪surpriiiiise♪.”
She simply raised an eyebrow while looking to the sky, her thoughts probably filled with the phrase, “Oh, Pinkie.” Twilight trotted away, leaving Pinkie to herself at the table. She waved at them until they were out of sight and then pulled the letter back up.
P.S. I’ve sent a letter to Luna about your surprise plan this evening. I am at an impasse on whether I’m surprised or not you managed to get Franky out of retirement for making enchanted wind instruments. However, I could use a fair round of entertainment and what you have planned is a remarkable feat. I haven’t pulled a prank like this in years… oh this will be exciting! We’ll both be ready before dusk, watching at a safe distance for your cue.
