50 Noteworthy Lies

by Mark Garg von Herbalist

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Comedy, Random
Length: 4717

After tragedy strikes Noteworthy, he is faced with lustful desires, recovery, questionable friends, and a stalker duck.

Noteworthy had a marefriend once. She was really pretty and both of them were happy together, and everyone thought that the two had a bright future. But then tragedy struck, leaving Noteworthy alone, and now he must battle lustful desires, misery, cynicism, and a stalker duck with his longtime friend should he ever find happiness again.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-06 21:20:03 UTC

The Stalker

Noteworthy groans as he struggles to lift his head from an aged counter, inadvertently knocking some empty shot glasses to their side. Once his head is up, he looks around the bar with next to no motor control. Ponies are gathered in their own cliques, conversing amongst themselves in a mix of slurs and sober speech. His head feels weird, and the supposed “fire in the belly” feeling that he has heard so much about is not coming. All he's getting is a sick feeling that makes his sour mood all the more unpleasant.

Noteworthy brushes some of his dark blue mane back, and his golden eyes try to focus on something other than the colorful display of alcoholic beverages. All he really manages to focus on is the flickering neon light of Canterlot 37. However, he has to look away since he can feel a seizure creeping up on him from the accursed flickering.

Noteworthy's eyes continue their lazy search for something interesting as his ears swivel to the sounds of chatter with half the enthusiasm of his eyes. When he hears a pair of soft giggles, he turns to the source to see what the pleasant noise is about. He sees the titan of Ponyville and subject of many wet dreams, Big Macintosh and Fluttershy. Both of them are talking and giggling quietly in a booth, and doing that adorable nose rubbing thing that marks affection for one another. It makes Noteworthy sick to his core.

Grimacing, he turns towards the bar and taps his hoof against the counter, signaling the bartender over.

“Bartender, anutha,” slurs Noteworthy.

“Another fireball coming right up.” The bartender works her magic as she mixes the alcohol, and when she slides it towards the blue pony, she casts him a concerning look. “Look, buddy, I don't know what your deal is, but drinking won't solve it.”

“Blow me.” Noteworthy uses the power of suction to grab the shot glass with his mouth, tilts his head back and swallows the drink in one gulp before spitting the glass out. He shudders as the unpleasant surge of jitters scourge his nerves. His eyes pop and his face contorts, then he slams his hooves on the counter, yelling: “Blow me hard!”

The bar patrons fall silent and slowly turn to Noteworthy, mostly disgusted, but a couple of them look as though they are contemplating on giving head. Unfortunately for Noteworthy they are both stallions. Noteworthy looks at the patron with a drunken glare.

“What? Ya act like ya never seen a drunk poneh,” slurs Noteworthy with an uncoordinated wave of his hoof.

“Actually, this is my very first time at a bar, ever,” says a preppy stallion proudly and with a huge grin.

Noteworthy scowls at the stallion, not only because his statement was completely uncalled for, but because his outfit just plain sucks. The preppy stallion came to a bar wearing a turtleneck sweater, a colorful scarf wrapped around his neck and thick rimmed glasses with his mane ruined by an atrocious comb over.

“Well, congratu-fuckin-lations, douche bag,” sneers Noteworthy.

The preppy stallion whines and looks away with his ears drooped and tears filling his eyes. Some of the patrons pat his back and give him words of encouragement to make him feel better after Noteworthy's outburst.  Noteworthy shakes his head and slumps back to the counter, barely noticing the bartender's disappointed, half lidded eyes, and he whines and stretches out his hoof when she drags his shot glass away.

“I think you've had enough,” says the bartender. “Wait here so I can get a cab.”

“That won't be necessary, my lady. I can take him home,” says a bluish gray stallion with a near black mane as he coolly trots towards the counter.

Noteworthy turns his head and gets a stupid smile as he waves to the approaching stallion.

“Hey, Lucky,” he says with a sickly hiccup, “Ah'm drunk!”

The bartender barely acknowledges Lucky before printing a receipt showing how much Noteworthy raked up and giving it to him. Lucky gives it one look, nods, and puts it in Noteworthy's saddle.

“You, sir, are going to have a horrible morning,” says Lucky. “Now let's get you home.”

“Home to misury,” grumbles Noteworthy.

Lucky helps keep Noteworthy steady as the plastered pony stumbles outside into the cool night. However, despite Lucky's best attempt, Noteworthy still veers away and trips over himself, thus leading to him falling face first in a random puddle of mud. Noteworthy jumps up, sputtering the foul tasting substance from his mouth, and Lucky runs up to help him get his footing back.

“You okay?” asks Lucky.

Noteworthy shrugs Lucky away. “No, Ah'm not olay! I'm never o-key! I'll neva be okay ageen!”

“That's just the booze talking,” says Lucky confidently, “you'll be fine in the morning.”

Noteworthy snorts a booger bubble.

Lucky sighs. “Note, I've never seen you get trashed before, so tell me what happened. Maybe we can-”

Noteworthy suddenly pulls away from Lucky and splashes the side of the road, a bush, and some poor sap's fence with watery puke that has chunks of semi digested hay and flowers. And he keeps puking until he collapses, panting and crying from the emotional and physical pain he is suffering through.

Lucky pats his back sympathetically. “That's right, let it out. Let it all out.”

Noteworthy pukes again, but since he is lying down, it goes all over his hooves and dribbles down his chin. Once he is finished with round two of puking, Noteworthy coughs and gasps for air before wiping the vomit off of his mouth.

Lucky grimaces, but still nods. “Yeah, so anyway-”

“She's gone!” blurts Noteworthy.

Lucky blinks. “What?”

Noteworthy stands up, legs wobbly and eyes flooded with tears, and he blubbers nonsense as he paces in circles. Lucky makes a grab for him when he almost falls on a poorly placed ax stuck in the middle of the road. Lucky stares at the ax questionably as he guides Noteworthy away, and when he feels that they are a safe distance away, he gently forces the drunk stallion to sit on a bench.

“Note, what's going on. What are you talking about?” asks Lucky, his tone heavy with concern and his hoof still on his friend's shoulder.

Noteworthy shrugs Lucky off, and sniffles as he wipes his bloodshot eyes.

“She's gone! Gone with the wind, never to return again!” sobs Noteworthy hysterically. He reaches towards the stars as if hoping that he will be able to pull his desires out of the void of space and into his arms. “She's away! Forever! And now I am-” he collapses to the ground “-alone.”

“Who's gone?” asks Lucky.

“She is,” sniffles Noteworthy.

Lucky thinks for a moment, and when the light bulb turns on, his eyes widen from shock. “You mean she's gone?”

Noteworthy nods. “Yep. She died. Died in a freak airship accident when she was touring a remote jungle. I just got the note today. She's as dead as dead can get!”

Lucky's eyes water as he paces in his spot, trying to cope with the horrible news. “Maybe there was a mistake. Maybe she didn't-”

Noteworthy grabs Lucky's shoulders and shakes him, screaming: “They found her face on a rock!”

When Noteworthy stops shaking Lucky, his eyes are rolling and his coat gets a sickly shade of green as his cheeks puff out. And as soon as he is released, Lucky gallops to a nearby bush and empties his stomach contents while Noteworthy trots away, sobbing and struggling to keep his steps steady.

“My life is ruined!” wails Noteworthy.

*********

“Quack. Quack,” calls a random duck in the waking hours of the morning.  “Quack. Quack quack. Quack. Quack quack quack. Quack.”

Noteworthy groans and lifts his head up from under his blanket. Naturally all he sees is cotton threads, but after pulling it off, he is greeted by the sun's early morning rays. It hurts his eyes and the throbbing in his head doesn't make things any better.

“Quack.”

Noteworthy ignores the duck and gingerly makes his way to the dresser, grumbling nonsense. He spots a receipt for the Canterlot 37, and when he sees the bill-

“Quack.”

Noteworthy releases an explosive sigh and glares at the window, not seeing anything but  an unfamiliar pony across the street yawning and climbing out of her bed. Now his annoyance is replaced by curiosity that isn't fueled by anything perverted. Or so he's telling himself. He is entranced by his neighbor's excellent physique, gray coat, tired purple eyes, and her charcoal mane, messed up by a great night's rest. Before too long, he is staring at her way longer than he should have. When his new neighbor looks at him with an odd expression, he looks down at his receipt, scrunching his brow in a mockery of deep concentration.

When he looks up again, her curtain is closed and Noteworthy is once again burdened with disappointment.

“Quack.”

“Son of a-” growls Noteworthy. He pokes his head out of his window and after a quick look around he finds the stupid duck standing in the middle of the street looking up at him. “Go away!”

The duck does not move, and Noteworthy glares at the duck, and it stares back, completely unaffected by his hostile gaze. Both creatures continue the staring contest with Noteworthy wondering why the duck is there, and the duck just staring. Unblinking. Unmoving. It honestly starts to creep out Noteworthy, and so he does the only thing he can do. He tries to shoo it away with a wave of his hoof.

“Go away! Shoo!” says Noteworthy as loudly as he can without being obnoxious. “Shoo, you stupid duck! Shoo!”

The duck makes another quack before it flies away and Noteworthy sighs with relief and looks back at his receipt. His relief quickly switches to anger, and he takes a deep breath, and slowly breathes out through the nose, trying not to think about how he managed to rack up a tab as expensive as he did, much less think about how he was able to hold so much liquor. Then he looks at a folded piece of paper with a kiss mark on it, and finds his eyes watering and heartache returning to drag him down into the abyss of misery. His hoof brushes over it, and-

There is a sudden knock on his door. Noteworthy sniffles and pushes the note towards the edge of his dresser and trots downstairs. The persistent knocking gets louder and more impatient, and Noteworthy grumbles swear words.

“I'm coming! I'm coming!” yells Noteworthy over the knocks.

He reaches his door and tries to peek through the peephole, but only sees the bottom of a hoof that needs some cleaning. Noteworthy rolls his eyes and opens up the door to see Lucky standing there, grinning.

“Hey buddy, how'd ya sleep?” asks the bluish gray stallion.

“Alright,” says Noteworthy as he rubs his eyes. “What the heck are you doing here, anyway?”

“I came to check up on you. I mean, when you're marefriend dies that some pretty heavy stuff.”

Noteworthy arches his brow. "What?”

Now it is Lucky's turn to arch a brow. “Your marefriend. She died. Something about an airship crash and her face on a rock.”

Noteworthy looks at Lucky like he is growing multiple heads, and in turn, Lucky stares at Noteworthy as if the blue stallion's brain is oozing from his ears. The two stare at each other for an awkward amount of time, both barely moving or shifting their eyes. But Noteworthy is trying to figure out why Lucky is telling him that his special somepony's face was found on a rock while Lucky is trying to figure out why Noteworthy is acting brain dead. Noteworthy opens his mouth to say something, but something across the street catches his eye. Squinting for a closer look, he sees the duck from earlier staring at him, and after a wagon passes by the duck, it is gone.

Noteworthy blinks and looks at Lucky.

“Have you been followed by ducks recently?” asks Noteworthy.

Lucky's eyes widen and he looks around cautiously before leaning closer to Noteworthy.

“Actually I have,” whispers Lucky. “My Uncle Fourleaf Take-Back owns a lot of ducks, and a couple of days ago I went to his barn and all the ducks followed me. We walked in circles, jumped fences and sang karaoke. Then we tracked down this guy that owed me money and broke his legs.”

Noteworthy frowns. “I'm being serious.”

“Well, I'm not. Come on, tell me about how your marefriend died a horrible death. It's unhealthy to keep these things bottled up.”

“What are you-”

Noteworthy stops himself when he sees his attractive new neighbor step outside and check her mailbox. His eyes go towards her swishing tail and he takes mental snap shots of her perfect rump. He can feel his heart racing and drool pool in his mouth as the factory in his brain doubles its production speed to give him some very inappropriate thoughts of what he would like to do with such a fine tail. However, as soon as his neighbor finishes grabbing her mail, she looks at him and his factory explodes from panic overload. Desperate to cover his staring, Noteworthy snatches Lucky in a strangling hug and feigns loud weeping until his lungs hurts, prompting the other stallion to gag and tense up from the sudden theatrics.

“I feel so empty without her!” cries Noteworthy hysterically. He peeks and sees the neighbor looking at him quizzically so he continues the show. “Why did Celestia have to take her! Why!”

“Uh... There, there,” says Lucky uneasily as he awkwardly pats Noteworthy's back, “everything's going to be okay.”

Noteworthy sniffles, and when his neighbor is back inside, he pushes Lucky away and goes inside, perfectly fine and leaving Lucky alone and confused in the warm summer afternoon.

“Well, now that that is out of the way, what are you going to do today?” asks Noteworthy casually.

Lucky, now immensely confused about what had just happened, inspects himself like he's afraid Noteworthy's hugging had infected him with a skin condition of some kind.

“Um, I don't know. Applejack's selling some zap apple pies in the market. So maybe we can get there before Soarin buys them all again,” says Lucky.

Noteworthy walks to his bathroom and after a quick search in his medicine cabinet he finds just what he needs. Some flavorful leaves that reduce headache, nausea, bloated stomachs and twitching eyes. He pops a couple of the medical leaves in his mouth and as he chews he notices a note taped to his mirror.

Massage. Aloe Lotus Spa. 12p May 5th. BE THERE!

Underneath his little note is a coupon taped to it. Fifteen percent off on his next visit, which is apparently mandatory since he set up the appointment.

Noteworthy sighs and grabs his saddle. When he steps into the living room, note and coupon secured in his saddle, he find Lucky still in his house, checking out a junk pile comprised of failed symphonies, letters, and doodles of stick figures fighting a blocky robot with laser eyes.

“I didn't know you were an artist,” says Lucky with a teasing smile as he pokes at one of the doodle.

“I'm not. I'm just a guy who does guy stuff in hopes that he'll become guylier.” Noteworthy says as he passes his friend. “Listen, I have an appointment to get to, so I'll buy zap apples later, okay?”

Lucky nods and heads out the door with Noteworthy. “Alright, but don't go crying to me, begging for jam or something when AJ runs out.”

“AJ?”

Lucky stops and looks at Noteworthy, and the musical stallion cocks his head slightly in question.

“Who's AJ?”

Lucky facehoofs.

~~~~~~~~~~

Nearly an hour later, Noteworthy finds himself resting on his stomach, eyes shut and lips spread to a blissful smile as Aloe kneads his back with her angelic touch. With her years of experience and it being her special talent, she is adding just the right pressure and moving in just the right spots with the precision of a sexy surgeon. Noteworthy can feel his tight muscles melt like ice cubes on a hot stove, and the atmosphere seems just as hot, too, with all the aroma candles gently lighting the room  and tickling his nose with the scent of fresh flowers, cookies, and the welcoming salty air of Horseshoe Bay.

He groans and flicks his tail in a subconscious response to Aloe rubbing away a really tight knot in his lower back. The only thing that would make it all the better is if Lotus was giving him a massage as well. And possibly no costumers in the other rooms.

“Oh yeah, that's the spot,” groans Noteworthy.

“You are really tight, Mr. Worthy, what have you been doing?” asks Aloe.

“Yeah, I'm worthy,” he murmurs distantly.

Aloe rolls her eyes with a small smile. “Silly pony, why are you so tight? It is like rolling rocks.”

Noteworthy's eyes open when his brain comprehends what is going on. His mind races as he tries to think of an excuse, but the only thing that can come to his mind is Lucky telling him he has a dead marefriend. Which he finds odd since-

“My marefriend passed away recently,” says Noteworthy, his mind now screaming at his mouth for moving too soon.

“Oh my, I'm sorry to hear that,” says Aloe with genuine sadness.

Noteworthy feels Aloe's rubbing soften, which slightly saddens him since likes it when they rub him hard.

“What happened?” probes Aloe without losing a beat to her massage.

“Uh...” Noteworthy scrambles to remember the details of the dead marefriend story, just to keep the story straight, but all he can think of is walking in the bar, waking up feeling like garbage, and the advertisement for the suntan machine soon to be installed. A not very bright light bulb turns on when he sees that hip picture with unnaturally attractive ponies posing around it. “She fried getting a suntan.”

Aloe stops cold and Noteworthy cringes, knowing that he just messed up big time, and now there is no going back. His marefriend's face has now been found on a rock after being fried getting a suntan while on an airship that crashed somewhere in a jungle.

“What?”

Noteworthy sighs as sadly as he can and pokes at one of the plush pillows, saying: “Yeah, she was in one of those fancy suntan machines when something happened where she got stuck inside and got cooked alive. All they found was her skeleton and goggles fused to her face. It was horrible.”

Noteworthy is about to add depth to his grave, but he stops himself when  Aloe's wonderful hooves abandon his back, leaving him wanting and confused. But mostly wanting. When he looks over his shoulder, he catches his massage therapist galloping out of the room, screaming for Lotus. Noteworthy sits up, staring blankly at the doorway with his hoof extended slightly.

“What about my massage...?”

He shrinks back, seething with his ears drooped when he hears paper tearing, stuff falling over and breaking, and ponies shouting over each other. Next, he sees Aloe and Lotus hurrying out with wagons strapped to them filled with posters and framed pictures advertising what would've been their suntanning branch. Noteworthy grabs his saddle and peeks out into the lobby to observe the damage. There are blank spots on the wall and confused costumers are murmuring to each other while a very ticked off pair of movers are carrying out a suntan machine with the Flim Flam Brothers logo on it.

Noteworthy steps out and searches for the spa twins, and after a few minutes of searching, he finds Aloe in the back alley, stomping on one of the framed pictures. He carefully approaches Aloe while looking around for Lotus, but when he doesn't see the other twin, he clears his throat. This doesn't seem to catch Aloe's attention, and when he clears his throat again-

“Quack.”

Noteworthy's snaps to the source of the vile call and sees the same duck standing on a dumpster, wagging its stubby little duck tail and ruffling its feathers. Notewrothy's eyes narrow and he waves at the duck.

“Go away! Shoo! Be gone, duck!” orders Nteworthy.

The duck quacks again and has a short flight off of the dumpster before landing next to Aloe and quacking at Noteworthy. Noteworthy growls and chases after the duck. The duck makes a breathless streams of quacks as it run, and Noteworthy is so focused on getting the duck that he accidentally bumps into Aloe. The blue coated, pink maned mare shrieks as she stumbles and whirls around and knocks Noteworthy to the ground with a solid punch to the jaw.

Noteworthy swears and presses his hoof against the fresh bruise forming, and Aloe, after realizing that she punched a faithful customer, quickly apologizes and helps him to his hooves. Noteworthy shakes her off and grumbles to himself as he rubs his sore jaw, wincing when it feels like he stabbed himself.

“Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Worthy, I thought you were trying to ponynap me,” says Aloe apologetically.

“What! I was going after the duck!” yells Noteworthy.

“What duck?”

“You didn't see the duck? It ran right under your legs!”

Aloe's expression could not have gotten any more blank, and Noteworthy falls to his haunches and cranes his head back while groaning and covering his eyes. Then he is knocked to the ground yet again and his face smacks against the pavement, leaving his ears ringing and his face throbbing.

“Why me?” moans Noteworthy.

He pushes himself with some difficulty and looks at Aloe again with a deep frown while tenderly rubbing his sore face, which is when he notices Lotus pouring kerosene oil all over the pile of advertisements. Noteworthy's jaw drops and he steps back when Lotus takes out another can of kerosene oil and empties it all on the pile, just like the last one. While doing this, though, Lotus barely offers a glance to the hurt stallion.

“Sorry, Mr. Worthy, but you were in my way,” says Lotus, then she looks down at the pile and snarls. “As for these evil things...”

Aloe yanks out a magnifying glass from seemingly out of the blue and holds it up to the sun.

“KILL THEM WITH FIRE!” screams Aloe.

The light focuses on one of the pictures, and at first it starts off as a pitiful line of smoke rising, but then it all bursts into flames quicker than an eye blink. Noteworthy screams and reels back as the fireball rolls into the sky with thick, black smoke choking the peaceful air, and he looks at the spa twins, paling when they cackle madly.

“Burn, evil things, burn!” yells Lotus psychotically.

Noteworthy turns tail and gallops away from the crazy twins, and when he looks over his shoulder he sees the fire spreading to the spa and the flower shop next to it. Noteworthy swears and gallops faster, and he keeps running until he comes to his humble abode.

Sweating, shaking, and heart beating like the wings of a hummingbird, Noteworthy struggles to get his key in the lock. No matter how hard he tries, it just will not go in. He jabs it, finagles with it, turns it in different directions, but nothing is working!

“Oh, come on!” whines Noteworthy.

He looks over his shoulder again, still whimpering, when his brain comprehends the screams and sirens taking over the once quiet afternoon. Upon seeing the dark smoke looming over the town, his eyes nearly explode from their sockets because the smoke is in the shape of a duck head.

“What are you doing?” asks a mare with a Canterlot accent.

Noteworthy's eyes snap towards the source of the voice, which is directly in front of him, and realizes that his new neighbor is standing in front of him. She looks more confused than angry, but that doesn't stop Noteworthy's cheeks from flushing.

“I... I, uh, I'm trying to get in my house,” says Noteworthy.

“Okay, but this is my house,” points out the mare.

Noteworthy looks at her for a second before looking at the door, which is white, not blue, and when he looks at the lawn, he realizes that it is green and full of life. Unlike his, which is brown and full of misery and dead dreams. He then looks at the mailbox and a boulder of embarrassment is dropped into his stomach when he sees the pristine box has “Octavia Philharmonica Melody Pie” painted on in rainbow colors, covered in glitter and has a bunch of confetti covered balloons tied to the pole.

Octavia looks at the mailbox and facehoofs with a heavy sigh.

“Why does she do this to me?” murmurs Octavia.

“Octavia Philharmonica Melody Pie,” reads Noteworthy. “That's a nice long name that is very nice.”

“So, why are you here, again?” asks Octavia moodily.

“I was testing your door.”

“You were testing my door?”

Noteworthy nods and taps approvingly against the clean door with an ever growing nervous smile to combat Octavia's skeptical expression.

“Yep,” he says in a weak attempt to sound proud. “And I might say you have a very sturdy door. Sturdy like me. I'm very sturdy. And single, just like this door. This door is single and lonely and needs a door friend. That's why I like double doors.”

Octavia takes a step back and points to the mountains in the distance.

“Can you go far away from me, please?” she asks.

Noteworthy nods his head quickly and trots away, saying: “No problem, Octavia Philharmonica Melody Pie.”

“Don't use my full name!”

~~~~~~~~~~

Later that night Noteworthy is sitting in his lounge with Lucky as his company. Both stallions are sitting on their own plush couch with orchestra music playing from Noteworthy's radio and a warm fire crackling to add to the homey touch. Noteworthy is sipping a cup of coffee and Lucky is just laying on the couch, nearly passed out from boredom.

“I don't know, she just had a really long, really beautiful name, and I couldn't just help but say it all. It was like her parents knew she was destined to be beautiful so they gave her a beautiful name,” explains Noteworthy dreamily.

“Wow, and here I thought I had mommy issues,” comments Lucky absently.

Noteworthy is in the middle of sipping his drink when Lucky said that, and he slowly lowers his mug and looks at his best friend with a raised brow.

“I'm talking about my neighbor,” says Noteworthy slowly.

“You are?” asks Lucky.

Noteworthy nods his head and Lucky looks away, coughing nervously into his hoof and shifting his position so that he is looking in the beautiful fire rather than Noteworthy.

“Well, she sounds hot, so go for it. It makes the mourning process all the easier,” says Lucky.

“What was that stuff about mommy issues?” asks Noteworthy.

“What? Oh, that was nothing.”

“You sure?”

“Yep.”

Silence falls between them, letting the surprisingly depressing music add to the mood of the situation. The two stallions barely look at each other, but every time they do, it is awkward and they look away instantly, with Noteworthy retreating to his mug and Lucky staring at the fireplace.

“Do you want to talk about it?” asks Noteworthy.

“Nope,” replies Lucky quickly.

“Well, I'm here if you need anything.”

“Appreciate it. I should actually get going. I gotta clean my house. Prune the bushes and other stuff that bores me.”

“Okay. Well, have a good night.”

Lucky nods and groans obnoxiously as he climbs off of the comfortable couch. Noteworthy watches his friend leave, and once the door slams shut, he sighs and looks out the window to Octavia's house with a pleasant smile.

“Octavia Philharmonica Melody Pie,” whispers Noteworthy.

He closes his eyes, relaxes in his seat and sighs again, this time with a longing desire to no longer be lost in the darkness of loneliness. But unbeknownst to him, a very familiar duck watches him from its perch on the town fountain.