Fraud Detection Warning!

by TundraStanza

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy
Length: 1889

The main characters of the two-button fighting game DiveKick are brought to Equestria by the announcer. Shenanigans are imminent.

Dive and Kick are at it again. These two rivals in the hood are trying to prove once and for all who is the ultimate champion of the biggest mind-game of fighting games ever. The rules are the same as usual. Competitors can only dive and/or kick. If you get hit by the opponent's foot, you have to fall on your back as if you're knocked out.
No punching.
No ducking.
No blocking.
No projectiles.
No complex button presses.

However, the announcer decides to randomize their background location to the middle of Ponyville. This won't end well.

Death From Above
Round 1
DIVEKICK
---
Divekick (game) belongs to One True Game Studios and Iron Galaxy Studios.
One-shot.

Published 2013-09-11 21:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-11 21:00:02 UTC

Headshot Multi-Kill

Headshot Multi-Kill

Today was the day.

There was no looking back. This was quite a literal meaning, since his hoodie prevented him from seeing a large section of his peripheral vision. But that was just fine with him. He was looking forward to the match today. It was time to remind his fraternal twin about the power of math. Only one thing was on his mind.

You’re going down, Kick.

The day had finally arrived.

The only part of him looking back was his trademark baseball cap. The rest of him looked forward as he walked through his neighborhood. This was his turf. No pasty-white **s was going to take that away from him, not even his own brother. There was only one thing that he was thinking.

Prepare to eat asphalt, Dive.

It was just another day for him.

Several people had come to him complaining about everything wrong with the various fighting tournaments, both lethal and nonlethal. It wasn’t even his fault that all those other trainees taught their kick boxing and/or martial arts students such complicated moves sets. Heck, some of the moves were accused of being broken, overpowered, and imbalanced. Why did he receive all the complaints? It was because he was a face that just looked the part of a fighting expert.

Finally, he was so fed up with it all that he set up a tournament of sorts with the most radical of ideas. None of the combatants could perform any moves other than “dives” and “kicks”. Anyone who did so was immediately disqualified or erased from existence in his matches. All of the entries were surprisingly okay with these rules and they never broke them once.

Two of these entries quickly trampled over the competition and secured the top two spots on the international leaderboard. In honor of their prowess, these simplified brawls were quickly nicknamed the Dive Kick matches. But one never stayed in the number one spot for long. The hooded Dive and the bad-accent-mother-flipping Kick were constantly picking fights with each other even after the official tournament ended. For their ranks to stay constantly updated, he had to keep constant tabs on them.

And he was not happy about it. Only one thought crossed his mind as he prepared the props one more time.

I should have made them learn Street Mortal Skull Smash Blaze Injustice Arena All-Stars like everyone else. But no… I just HAD to make this original tournament. I don’t get paid enough to deal with this s***.

But alas, he could not vent his frustration through his amusing acting voice.

“Select your jewels. Select your duds.”

Loading screen tip: Press the “dive” button to dive and the “kick” button to… well, you know. If you don’t, then maybe you should stick to “Pong”.

What the hell is this? wondered Kick.

As he looked around, this didn’t seem like the usual random arenas that the announcer’s portals usually sent him. The buildings seemed a little too pink and a touch of ‘last century’. Did that Kung Pao chick have something to do with this?

His brother wasn’t faring much better with his new surroundings. Dive tried his absolute hardest to figure out the mathematical possibility of such an environment existing. But for all the calculus he knew, he was stumped. There was no way that this much color pigmentation existed in the universe.

“Death from above!” declared the announcer.

Darn, no more time for theorizing. Dive frowned. Time to switch to my fighting formulas.

“Round 1!”

If he was hoping that this crazy field was going to throw off my game, then he was sorely mistaken, thought Kick.

As per usual, both combatants kept their hands in their pockets. They would just get in the way of the permitted moves otherwise.

“Dive Kick!”

Kick made a few quick dive-kick combinations to the ground in front of him, trying to throw his opponent off. Dive, however wasn’t fazed in the slightest by this feint. The mathematical genius dove for the sky aiming with precision to Kick’s position. But the playboy applied a variable he hadn’t expected and quickly dove-kicked forward a few inches.

Dive overshot his mark.

“Too slow, Bro!” Kick smirked as he turned around. He took to the air and aimed his sneaker before Dive could react.

“Headshot!” exclaimed the announcer.

Dive let out a yelp as he fell to the ground. Any collision by the opponent’s foot in a Dive Kick match resulted in a one-hit knockout.

“I may not be as good at math as you,” Kick remarked, “but even I know that’s one down, four to go.”

As Dive stood back up for the second round, he really wished Kick would shut up.

It was a nice, lazy afternoon. Rainbow Dash was catching a nap right at the usual time. She wasn’t slacking off work. She didn’t know what you were talking about.

“Death from above!”

Huh? What was that? she thought upon waking up.

“Round 2!”

“Who’s there? Where are you?” she demanded.

“Dive Kick!”

“Sounds like it’s coming from… that way!” Rainbow deduced and rushed off with her trademark, colorful trail behind her.

It was a busy, busy day. The last client had just ordered a dozen uniquely gemmed dresses and she was deeply rooted in the zone (as it were). She was just aligning the finishing amethyst on her seventh creation.

“Round 3!”

“Wah!” Rarity yelped as the gem fell from her telekinetic hold to the floor. She let out a groan at the pin-sized chip that had broken off.

“Dive Kick!”

“Who in Equestria could be making such a racket?” she asked, quite irritated at that.

She opened her door, the bell dingling as she did so. The sight outside was far from anything she had been expecting.

Fraud Detection Warning!

This isn’t happening, Dive thought while straightening out his hood over his head again, I am not a bot, darn it! How am I losing to Kick this many times in a row?

Unfortunately, the stars spinning above his head weren’t helping him figure out a means of counter-attacking. The announcer had a weird ability of preventing dizzy combatants from diving very high or quickly. But dives were the key to his strategy! Without them, his mathematical calculations as well as his chances of victory were quickly slipping away.

I have to… keep my… distance, he panted.

It was easier thought than done. Kick was quickly jumping around and kicking forth at angles that were quickly forcing Dive to dodge away from the center of the arena. When Kick was on a multi-kill streak like this, he was frighteningly focused. Nothing short of a hot chick would be able to distract his eyes from the prize of victory.

“By Celestia, that is the tackiest outfit I have ever seen!”

“Huh?” Kick briefly turned his head. The sound of a pretty lady was enticing. But when he saw the owner, his downward kicking angle waned a bit.

What the hell is that white thing? he wondered.

A direct hit against his stretched out leg woke him up from his mind wandering. In his moment of fantasizing, Kick had left himself wide open to Dive’s precise attack. Kick’s mind was still reeling as he landed on his back.

Detection Averted

Dive silently sighed in relief. If he had lost five rounds in a row, he would’ve been forced to fight with a four round handicap in his next Dive Kick match. Though, he did have to wonder what had been able to distract his brother so easily from the task at hand.

“Hey, you!”

Dive nearly dove at the sudden, scratchy voice. Scanning the immediate area, he was confused that he couldn’t find the source. Although, he after assessing the voice’s direction, he slowly looked up to the sky.

How in the world can any creature have that many colors on it? He stared in disbelief.

“Who are you and what the hay are you doing here?” demanded the flying creature.

“That’s my line,” muttered Dive.

“Round 6!” declared the announcer.

“Sorry, I don’t have time right now,” Dive told the... winged, cyan thing, “I’ve got math to perform.”

“Dive Kick!”

“Hey, I asked you a question!” pointed out Rainbow Dash.

She had half a mind to punt the weird creature in a hooded jacket. But before she could apply her thoughts to an action, he had already jumped higher in the sky than she’d seen even Pinkie Pie bounce.

“What the fog?” she whispered as she stared.

“Oh no, no, no.” Rarity shook her head. “These colors simply will not do at all.”

“Cut that out, whatever you are,” the apparently male-voiced creature in the gangster outfit insisted, “Can’t you see I’m busy?”

“Surely we can all look good while we work, right?” Rarity performed the ‘duckface’.

“Vector Velocity!” shouted Dive.

His following dive-kick was so fast and accurate. It almost looked like there were after-images of him following his motions.

“Aw, crap,” muttered Kick one second before he got knocked out a second time.

Despite the two ponies’ efforts, neither of the strange creatures was willing to give the time of day. Additionally, there was still that weird voice that seemed to be coming from all directions. It kept saying words like ‘round’ after the bipeds got up and ‘headshot’ whenever that one guy with a hat kept getting bucked… well, in the head.

It was driving Rainbow Dash crazy seeing all of this action and not being the cause of any of it.

“Okay, that does it!” She quickly flew up high and followed a large aerial loop.

“Wah!” Rarity recognized that flight path. She frantically galloped for cover.

“Round 9!” called the announcer, completely unaware, “Dive Kick!”

The two brothers and rivals remained at odds. They kept faking smaller attacks. They were practically daring each other to make the first move. At the distance they were at, however, whoever made the first reckless dive-kick was going to be the first to lose. So this would call for a risky maneuver.

Each of them activated their unique power skills, causing faintly colored auras to fill the air after they dove and kicked around the field. As they each dove in for the finishing kill, they let out a quick and loud war cry.

What neither had anticipated was the visible light spectrum exploding in their face.

“Sonic Rainboom,” stated the ROY-G-BIV pony, “Trademark of Equestria’s number one flier: Rainbow Dash.”

“Illegal move!” declared the announcer.

“Huh?” she looked for the disembodied voice.

The anger of the Dive Kick deity caused it to literally stomp a giant, blue foot onto the entire arena. It crushed everyone who was still there. Conveniently, Dive and Kick had been removed from the arena by the earlier Sonic Rainboom. Not so fortunately, there was one life form still within range.

When the foot eventually lifted back up, Rainbow Dash’s eyes spun in their sockets as butterflies flew over her head.

“Best… two out of three?” her dazed voice asked before she lied back flat against the ground.

Author's Note

I don't think Dive Kick matches can technically end in draws.
Oh well.