The Mares

by PColumbus

Rating: teen
Tags: Mayor Mare, Rarity, Twist, Random, Applejack, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 4398

Applejack entertains her 'guest', while Mayor Mare discusses the coming election.

The Drama! The Scandal! The Ponies! Experience Ponyville's dirty secrets on... The Mares!

Soap Opera Parody

Currently: Applejack entertains her 'guest', while Mayor Mare discusses the coming election.

Published 2013-09-07 05:40:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-10 02:00:27 UTC

Octi's Fluffy Fetish

“Vinyl, how long did you say you were going to be in Gallopolis?” Asked Octavia as she and Vinyl Scratch ate brunch together in their Ponyville apartment.

“Depending on which train I catch, no more than a week.” Replied Vinyl. “I got stuck on a train for twelve hours because one of the stallions pulling it broke an ankle!”

“I don’t know why they still have those horse-drawn trains; the steam ones are far more reliable.” Stated the cellist.

“I agree Octi, so where do you what to go dinner when I get back?”

“Well, I have had a craving for that café back in Canterlot.” Octavia replied and she thought.

“Yeah, they have the best quesadillas. I’ve got that set scheduled when I get back, some designer here is holding this fashion show, and apparently some big names are going to be there from Canterlot.” Said Vinyl.

“Oh yes, I heard, somepony named Rarity is hosting it.”

“Anyway, after I get that set done, we can go back to our place in Canterlot.” Vinyl nuzzled Octavia and finished her lunch and put the dish in the dishwasher. “I have to get going, the train is going to be here in an hour.” She added as she looked at the clock. Octavia got up from her chair and went upstairs with Vinyl to help with the luggage. When they got to the front door, they set the suitcase down as Vinyl extended the handle with her magic.

“Bon voyage, Vinyl, have fun!” Said Octavia as her roommate exited into the world.

“Bye Octi! See you in a week!” Replied Vinyl as she nuzzled Octavia once more. Octavia watched from the kitchen window as Vinyl walk through the center of Ponyville and disappear into the crowd. Then, she opened the dishwasher and pulled out the dish that was just placed in there. She was going to enjoy her week without wubs. As Octavia cleaned the dishes in the sink, she heard a knock, knock, knocking on the door.

“I think I know who that is…” She sang quietly and smiled as she went to open the door. “I’m so glad you came.” She gave a flirty gaze to the pony at the door.

Fluffle Puff gasped cheerfully with a smile.

“Did you bring your… horn?” Asked Octavia as she stroked the door sensually. Fluffle Puff dug through her thick fur and pulled out a pink unicorn horn that was made out of a paper towel roll, and placed it on her head.

“Perfect, I’ve been waiting all week for this!” Octavia said as she opened the door wider, letting the giant cotton ball in the apartment.

Vinyl Scratch wrestled her way through the crowds in the market on her way to the train station, which she passed three blocks ago. Vinyl knew this, but she had a meeting of her own. Her magenta sunglasses shielded her eyes that searched the streets for who she was looking for. She slipped into an alley behind Davenport’s Quills and Sofas and was greeted by a shadowy figure.

“Did anypony see you?” Asked the shadowy figure.

“No, I don’t think so.” Replied Vinyl.

“Good, ‘cause I don’t want any dweebs finding out I’m here.” Said the figure.

“What do you need me to do?” Asked Vinyl.

“I need you to help me get rid of somepony.”

“Who?”

“Pinkie Pie. She made a fool out of me in front of the whole town, and after this is done, I will have my REVENGE!” Replied the shadow as it laughed maniacally as lightening cracked behind them.

“Why are you laughing like that?” Vinyl asked flatly.

“That’s how evil villains are supposed to laugh, I mean seriously, haven’t you seen The Pony Who Clopped Me?” The clandestine creature defended. “Besides, I got the lightening effects on sale at Villainous Villains and Spying Spies.”

Vinyl rolled her eyes; clearly, if they were in a movie the psycho laughter would seem slightly less ridiculous. Before they departed, the mystery creature gave Vinyl a sack full of gold bits and a photograph of Pinkie Pie. “You’ll get the other half when the job is done.”

Vinyl walked back out onto the street, looking to see if anypony was watching her. She arrived at the train station and searched for her ticket. She gasped when she realized that she left it back at the apartment. Her electric blue mane flowed in the breeze as she rushed back, the train would be arriving in a few minutes. The pony arrived at the front door of the apartment, but she heard something. She put her ear to the door, it sounded like moaning… from Octavia! She pressed her ear closer, but the door creaked open. The sound was louder and coming from upstairs. Vinyl stepped lightly on the stairs as she ascended onto the second floor, trying to avoid any creaky floorboards. She reached the landing and turned toward the bedroom, the door was ajar. The deejay pony crept closer and closer as she heard the noises get louder and louder.

“Oh yes! Yes!” Octavia moaned in ecstasy. “Dance on me!” Vinyl Scratch listened to the bed shaking. “I want to be your rainbow!” Octavia pleaded. Vinyl had enough of this and burst into the bedroom.

“OCTAVIA!” Vinyl shouted, she quickly gasped at what she saw. Octavia, covered in rainbow body paint, and on top of her, a pony, covered in thick pink fur prancing on the cellist with a cardboard horn strapped to her head.

Octavia gasped as soon as Vinyl burst in.

Fluffle Puff gave a raspberry.

Vinyl gasped again.

Octavia gasped again.

Fluffle Puff made a squeaky noise as she smiled.

Vinyl gasped again.

Octavia gasped again.

Fluffle Puff gasped happily.

Vinyl was about to gasp again, but a screen hit her in the face. “OW!” she barked as she rubbed her head. “Who did that?” She asked. Octavia shrugged as she lied on the bed. “Sorry, anyway… OCTAVIA, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?”

DUN… DUN… DUUUUUUUUUUNNNN!

Cutie Mark Deceiver

“OCTAVIA, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?” Asked Vinyl Scratch in disgust.

“Vinyl! It’s not what it looks like!” Octavia pleaded as Fluffle Puff stood over her.

“Oh… okay then…” Said Vinyl casually, then, Octavia pulled a script from under the covers and tapped it with her hoof.

“Did you forget your lines again?” The annoyed Octi rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, I spilled coffee on my copy a couple days ago.” The white pony said as she scratched her blue mane and she searched her brain. “Oh yeah… WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THIS LOOKS LIKE!” Vinyl bellowed.

The rainbow painted Octavia got up from the bed and walked toward Vinyl. “Please… we were just rehearsing a musical number!”

“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOUR DEFENDING YOURSELF!”

“Oh… by the way, it’s ‘you’re’, not ‘your’.” Octavia corrected.

“What are you talking about?” Vinyl replied.

“Your line had a typo there.” Octi said as she flipped through the pages of the script. Vinyl looked at where Octavia was pointing and nodded in agreement.

“WHATEVER! AS SOON AS I FIND MY TICKET, I AM OUT OF HERE!” Vinyl said in frustration as she resumed her character.

“Are we still on for Thursday?” Asked Octavia as she leaned over to Fluffle Puff as she nibbled a lampshade. Fluffle replied with an enthusiastic gasp and pranced out the bedroom. “I really need to find a better job.” She sighed as she cringed while looking at her paint smeared body and sulked to the bathroom.

Meanwhile, the final bell rang at the school, and dozens of colts and fillies exited the elementary school.

“So Crusaders, how are we going to get our cutie marks this weekend?” Asked Scootaloo excitedly as she cruised next to her friends.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to do any Crusading this weekend, Rarity will never let me hear the end of it when she finds out I got a D+ in math.” Sweetie Belle grunted.

“Well, it’s not yer fault numbers can’t add themselves!” Apple Bloom comforted Sweetie.

“It’s also not my fault my saddlebag got knocked into the river while we were fishing.” Sweetie Belle looked at Apple Bloom and Scootaloo accusingly, who both blushed as they looked at each other.

“How about we come over and help you make up the homework?” Asked Scootaloo.

“I don’t think you want to be around Rarity when she is monologuing.” Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes and tousled her mane with her hoof to mirror Rarity’s. “OH, WOE IS ME… I CHIPPED A HOOF… I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO SHOW MY FACE IN PUBLIC AGAIN! OH, THE SHAME OF IT ALL!” She mocked.

“That was a pretty good impression, Sweetie Belle.” Praised Apple Bloom.

“Anyway, I better get this over with…” Sweetie Belle sighed.

“I think I’ll go see what Rainbow Dash is up to!” Added Scootaloo.

“Alright then, have fun, y’all!” Said Apple Bloom as she waved farewell to her friends, then turned and trotted to Sweet Apple Acres. She hummed happily as she made her way down the dirt path, only to be interrupted by a hissing noise. Apple Bloom looked around and saw nothing and continued trotting, but heard the hissing noise again.

“Diamond Tiara!” She said as the snobby pink pony jumped out from behind a bush. “What do you want?”

“Oh, I never miss an opportunity to talk to a friend of mine.” She taunted, walking up to Apple Bloom.

“Well, Silver Spoon is back at the school, I’m sure she’s waiting on you.” Apple Bloom snarled.

“Oh, you country bumpkin are so funny!” Diamond Tiara giggled blandly as she walked around Apple Bloom like a shark surrounding a boat.

“What do you want?” She asked again.

“Oh alright, you forced it out of me. I want your clubhouse.” Diamond Tiara’s blue eyes looked evilly at Apple Bloom.

“My clubhouse? Why do you want my clubhouse?” Apple Bloom was taken aback.

“You see, my daddy won’t let me have one of my own, he says I have to learn to ‘play nice with others.’” She explained.

“So, why don’t you do what he says?”

“Because it’s too much work,” she scoffed, “when there is a perfectly good one right on the Apple Farm.” Diamond Tiara grinned.

“Well, you can’t have it!” Apple Bloom assured.

“Oh yes I will, when I tell everypony you have your cutie mark!”

“Everypony knows that I don’t have my cutie mark, there’s no way they’ll believe you!” Apple Bloom ridiculed.

“Oh they will when they see these.” Diamond Tiara reached into her saddle bad and pulled out a poster of Apple Bloom what an image of a haystack on her flank. “I have to say, I’m pretty good at arts and crafts.”

“Who do you think is going to believe that?” Apple Bloom said, waving a hoof at the picture.

“Everypony, and if you don’t give me your clubhouse, everypony, including your precious Cutie Mark Crusaders, will think you’ve been lying to them. Can you imagine how betrayed they’d feel?” Replied Diamond Tiara as she made puppy eyes.

“You can’t convince anypony that I have my cutie mark, and you certainly cannot have my clubhouse!” Apple Bloom said defiantly.

“Have it your way.” Diamond Tiara replied as she walked away.

The next morning, Apple Bloom approached the school and was greeted by several of her filly classmates.

“You got your cutie mark?” Asked Snips, “That’s so cool!”

“Yeah, I want to see!” Added Twist.

“I don’t have my Cutie Mark!” Retorted Apple Bloom as she approached the same poster she saw the previous day.

“Apple Bloom!” Called Scootaloo, “When did you get your cutie mark?”

“I didn’t, Scootaloo; Diamond Tiara is just trying to embarrass me.” Apple Bloom explained as Sweetie Belle approached.

“Oh, I would never do such a thing!” Replied Diamond Tiara from behind them, carrying with her a bucket. “Why don’t you show everypony your cutie mark?” She taunted.

“You know I don’t have one!” Apple Bloom said aggressively.

“We’ll see about that.” Diamond Tiara sniggered as she thrust the bucket full of water onto Apple Bloom.

“Why did you do that?” Asked Sweetie Belle as she backed up her friend, but an audible gasp was heard from everyone in the schoolyard. Sweetie Belle looked at Scootaloo who looked shocked; she turned to where Scootaloo was looking and gasped herself. As Apple Bloom stood shivering from the cold water, part of her flank began to dissolve, revealing a haystack cutie mark! Apple Bloom looked at it and gasped in shock, a red background appeared behind her.

Back in Ponyville however, Pinkie Pie was bouncing along the street, headed back to Sugarcube Corner. She passed Davenport’s Quills and Sofas when she crashed into somepony, spilling a bushel of apples. Pinkie propped herself up off the ground and shook her head and saw who she ran into.

“Gilda!” She said surprised. “How have you been?” Pinkie asked casually.

“Oh… pretty good, got a job with this ‘Harry Potter’ guy.” Replied the Griffin, shrugging, and then snapping back into character. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY WAY?” Barked Gilda. Pinkie and Gilda entered a staring contest that lasted for several minutes until Gilda finally broke and blinked.

“Ha-ha! You blinked!” Pinkie said triumphantly.

DUN… DUN… DUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNN!

Rarity's Perilous Predicament

“What brings you back to Ponyville?” Pinkie Pie asked cheerfully.

“How about you mind your own business, dweeb!” Replied Gilda angerly. “And if you tell anypony I’m here, you’re going to pay!”

“Oh, I don’t need to do that.” Pinkie Pie reassured as she took a hoof and waved it across the street where everypony was staring at them, causing Gilda to roar in anger.

“You have made a fool of me for the LAST TIME!” She growled. “When I’m finished with you, you will never show your face in this town again!”

“What did I ever do to you?” Asked Pinkie.

“It’s because of you that Rainbow Dash won’t speak to me anymore!” Said Gilda.

“Do you still have her address?” Replied Pinkie.

“No, I forgot it actually; you think I could get it from you after we’re done?” The griffin asked kindly, Pinkie replied with a smile and nod. “Thanks!” Gilda smiled.

“Well, it’s not my fault you were such a sourpuss when you were here!” Pinkie defended as she resumed her previous stance.

“All you had to do was STAY OUT OF MY WAY!” Gilda replied angrily. “And you better stay out of my way now!” She stormed off through the alley by Davenport’s.

“Hey, have an apple on me!” Said Pinkie as she chucked a red delicious toward Gilda. With a flick of her tail, Gilda caught it and turned to give Pinkie Pie a wink and the thumbs up.

“I gotta invite her on our baseball team!” Pinkie Pie reminded herself as she gathered the apples.

Meanwhile, back at the school, Apple Bloom remained stunned as she saw a haystack cutie mark appear on her flank. Then, two worker ponies moved the red background and she snapped from her surprise.

“But… that’s impossible!” She said as Scootaloo wiped away what appeared to be makeup from Apple Blooms flank.

“Why did you lie to us?” Asked Scoots, still mesmerized by her friend’s cutie mark.

“I didn’t… its Diamond Tiara!” Apple Bloom gasped for the words as she grew frustrated that nopony seemed to believe her.

“Apple Bloom, how could I make your cutie mark appear? It’s far easier to cover one up.” Diamond Tiara feigned innocence.

“Yeah, I mean, it’s not like somepony snuck into your bedroom and painted a fake cutie mark on you.” Added Sweetie Belle.

“Poor, Apple Bloom, it’s sad that she has to constantly lie to her friends, I mean, they’d totally understand… right?” Diamond Tiara said with false sympathy.

“C’mon Sweetie Belle, we have to get to class.” Said Scootaloo as Sweetie Belle walked with her into the school. Apple Bloom stood there, racking her brain to find something to say, and then she turned to Diamond Tiara.

“HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?” She said angrily at Diamond Tiara.

“I already told you…” Sneered the spoiled filly as she flicked Apple Bloom’s nose with her tail and walked over to Silver Spoon and walked into class together, giggling and talking among themselves, leaving Apple Bloom in the schoolyard to dig at the ground with her hoof.

“What’s wrong Apple Bloom?” Asked Twist.

“Oh… Diamond Tiara…” Said Apple Bloom, Twist instantly nodded in understanding.

“You know, you’ll never guess who I saw her with the other day.” Said Twist.

“Silver Spoon?” Apple Bloom asked nonchalant.

“No… Snails!” Replied Twist in a whispered hush. Apple Bloom gasped in genuine surprise.

“No way! You’ve gotta tell me more!” Her eyes enlarged as she schemed in her head.

“Okay, come to my house after school, I’ll explain everything!” Replied Twist as the two fillies walked into the schoolhouse together.

Meanwhile, back in Ponyville, Rarity was working her way through town (no… not that kind of work!); she had to get more fabric for her shop. Rarity trotted quickly with her bags through the bustling market, she was expecting a gem delivery within the next couple hours and if she didn’t get to Carousel Boutique in time, the delivery would get returned to Manehattan. Rarity was planning a fashion line exclusively for the Crystal Empire and was going to make sample pieces to show to various boutiques in the crystal city.

The fashionista dodged her way through the busy shopping district and arrived at her shop just as the mail cart pulled up.

“Thank heavens I made it!” Rarity said to herself as she saw Derpy Whooves lowering a crate down from the cart.

“Are you Miss Rarity?” Asked the cross-eyed Derpy.

“Yes, I am Rarity.” She said as she set her bags down.

“One gem delivery! Please sign here.” Replied Derpy as she held out a clipboard.

“Could you please open the lid, I need to make sure I got they sent the right ones.” Rarity asked nicely. The mailmare replied with a nod and pulled out a crowbar that was inside the cart and pried open the box. Rarity gasped at what she saw, the crate was full of bubble gum.

“The order was for gems! Not gum!” Rarity corrected as she sighed heavily. Derpy flipped through her route list.

“Whoops! My bad!” Said Derpy. “There was a gum delivery for Miss Pinkamena Pie.” She read off.

“Please switch these boxes before Pinkie Pie puts rubies in pies or something!” Rarity ordered the postal carrier, who replied with another salute and pulled the cart back into Ponyville.

“This is just perfect.” Rarity said with a flavor of frustration, as she grabbed her bags and went into her shop. She began organizing her purchases, flower prints, stripes, ribbons, and various other fabrics and embellishments went into various drawers and cubbies. Rarity went to place her bags in the trashcan behind the boutique, after she placed the lid back where it belongs, she heard somepony call out.

“LOOK OUT!” They shouted, and before Rarity could look, something hit her in the head and everything went black.

Rarity woke up to find herself in a dank, dimly lit room that smelled just dreadful. She rubbed her forehead, which was slightly swollen from whatever hit her. Her vision became clearer as she looked in shock to see bars lining a dark hallway.

“Hello!” Rarity cried as she rushed to the bars, shaking them. “Is anypony there?!?” She pleaded. She panted heavily as the frightened pony assessed her situation. Did the Diamond Dogs ambush her? As she was searching around the room for a way to escape, her heard a clopping nearby (no, not that clopping.)

“Hello?” Rarity called out again. Then, a pony appeared out of the shadows and looked at her with confident satisfaction.

“Hello Sugarcube.” Said Applejack.

DUN… DUN… DUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNN!

Mayor Mare's Ponyville Politics

“Applejack! Rarity said with surprise. “Help! Somepony locked me in this horrid, smelly, unfashionable cell!” She pleaded to the apple farmer.

“Ah’m sorry Rarity, but Ah can’t do that.” Applejack said calmly.

“What do you mean?” Rarity was puzzled.

“It’s in the script…” Said the totally non-stereotypical country mare as she pulled out the script and showed Rarity.

“Uggghhhh… does this pony have anything better to do? I have a very important order to fill and I can’t be locked up in this cell for… as they say… the lulls.” Said the whiny prisoner.

“And Ah never miss a chance to terrorize one of my best friends.” Replied Applejack. “By the way, the bars are rusty.” She taunted, Rarity leapt back and look at the rust flakes on her hooves.

“How revolting!” Rarity squealed as she furiously wiped her hooves on the ground. “You can’t keep me down here Applejack! Ponies will start wondering where I am!” The prissy pony tried to convince her capture to let her go.

“Ummmm… nah.” AJ pondered with a hoof at her chin. “You have fun now, Sugarcube.” She said as she walked back in the shadows.

At Ponyville Town Hall, Mayor Mare was expecting a meeting with one of her advisors to discuss the campaign strategy for the upcoming election. She heard a knocking at the door.

“Come in!” Said the Mayor, but heard no response, she then cleared her throat. “Come in!” She said a little louder. Still nopony entered the room.

“Hey! You! Get to work! I don’t have time to waste because you couldn’t figure out what comes next!” Mayor Mare scolded as she looked at the screen. Then, her advisor entered the room casually. “…About time.” The frustrated politician muttered under her breath.

“Sorry, Madame Mayor, I was stuck in traffic on the Ponyville Expressway.” Apologized the guest, then, in a fit of aggravation, Mayor Mare chucked a book at the screen.

“THAT DOESN’T EXIST!” She shouted as her temple pulsed.

“You’re going to get wrinkles if you keep looking like that.” Somepony said off-screen.

“SHUT UP!” Mayor Mare barked as she looked to where the comment came from, and then tried to resume the scene. “Welcome, please have a seat.” She said with a heavy sigh.

“Now Mrs. Mare, you’re the longest serving Mayor in Ponyville history, but my research is showing that you are losing support among pegasi.” The pony said.

“That doesn’t seem like a big problem, it still leaves two thirds of the population.” Replied the mayor.

“Yes, but the pegasi population has increased by 35% since the last election, they are now the second largest voting demographic in the city.” The advisor informed.

“The Earth ponies and unicorns would still provide a secure reelection.” Mayor Mare suggested.

“Earth ponies, yes, but the unicorns have been split down the middle for a while now; they are the deciding factor in the coming election.” Said the guest. “I know this is a hot-button issue, but the pegasi have been insisting on annexation into Cloudsdale.”

“The voters would never support annexing into Cloudsdale, we’ve been rivals ever since Ponyville came to be.” The Mayor scoffed at the idea.

“Madame, if you ran on the platform for Cloudsdale annexation, you could easily pull off a 63% lead over any opponent.” The political advisor explained as they laid out the graphic information.

“I’ll think about it, thank you for your time.” The Mayor bid farewell to her visitor.

Back at Rarity’s cell, the imprisoned pony sat bored in the center of the room, like when she has to wait for a hair appointment. She began to get thirsty and saw a glass of water in the corner.

“I hope you like your beverage.” Applejack said as she emerged from the shadows again.

“It’s not bad, although I really would like a latte right about now.” Rarity replied as she sipped the drink.

“I’m glad you like tap water.” AJ smiled mischievously, as the words entered her ears, Rarity’s eyes narrowed as she spat out her the drink.

“No! Not tap water!” She squirmed as she tried to brush the taste off her tongue.

“What’s wrong, Rarity?” The apple pony asked mockingly. “Here, Ah brought a friend for you!” Applejack then released a big… ugly… hideous… terrifying… praying mantis into the cell with the marshmallow. “You two have fun now…” Applejack taunted and left the light once more.

“Applejack! No! Don’t leave me here with that… that… thing!” Rarity coward in fear in the corner as the bug crawled on the wall across from her. As Rarity started to relax, the praying mantis spread its wings… and started to fly. Applejack exited her apple cellar when she heard the screaming of the fashion forward pony and collapsed on the ground, laughing until it hurt.

Apple Bloom sat in the living room of Twist’s home as the host brought out some of her famous peppermint sticks.

“So, I had just left Bon Bon’s shop with some ingredients for my peppermint sticks when I saw Diamond Tiara at Sugarcube Corner. At first, I thought she was waiting on Silver Spoon, but then I saw Snails come out of the shop with a milkshake and two straws, and they drank it… together!” Twist explained as Apple Bloom sucked on a peppermint stick.

“Do you think that they’re each other’s very special somepony?” Apple Bloom asked with the stick in her mouth.

“How could they not be?” Asked Twist.

“Did you see anything else?” Apple Bloom wanted to learn more.

“Oh yeah! Right before I turned the corner to head home, I saw them nuzzle each other!” Twist said, Apple Bloom gasped in sheer astonishment. Diamond Tiara and Snails, dating? The juice practically gushed out of this story!

Apple Bloom finished her visit with Twist and rushed back home to Sweet Apple Acres, she was about to enter the house when she heard a whimpering. Her red bow swayed as she looked around the farm looking for who was making the noise, but saw nopony. She walked around the house and heard the noise coming from the cellar. The filly opened the door and entered the basement; she walked down the dark corridor and gasped at what she saw…

“Rarity!?!”

DUN… DUN… DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!