Chapter 1: I wish I was never a brony
Chapter 1
I wish I was never a brony
Audio Log 1Day 1Guess what? I’m a brony, and also I write stories. I am antisocial and I am a sad sadistic fuck. I hate writing now, but as fate would have it, I’m in Equestria, and at first, I was like, ‘This is so cool I'm going to live every, well most bronies dreams’ And I was like ‘FUCK YEAH IM GOING TO BEFRIEND ALL THE PONIES AND HAVE SEX WOOT!’ Well guess what, I got turned into a fucking pony, that is so not fun. I mean, having magical powers at your disposal is cool, but when your cutie mark tells you ‘Fuck you, I’m your cutie mark, deal with it, also your whole life's writing and no sex LOLFAG’ I mean, what brony wants to be a unicorn that has to write to make ends needs without sex.I'm probably ranting right now so I better get on with the story of how I got here and how I've been coping and shit. Firstly, I’m writing from my laptop, the one that used all the fucking electricity from my previous human home and said ‘I’m ripping through the fabric of time and space using my circuit boards, you're gonna be teleported into your story that you’ve been writing, have fun’ I just imagined a troll face on my laptop as I was sucked through space and time.Just as fate was so cruel, it became crueler, I landed on my rump in an empty forest, and if anything was worse than this, my laptop made it out unscratched and gleaming with pride as if I had shined and cared that laptop since it was bought. I just frantically tried to moved but I was turned to a pony woop de doo. I reached up my hooves and tried to get up but fell down miserably, that was when my upper forehead felt as if it were shocked, as in like you know nerves and all that stuff. I felt around that area and found a hard appendage sticking out of it, then I realized that it was a horn.I found the intelligence to try and use magic by levitating my laptop over to me. I used my hooves to pry open the computer screen and what I saw made me terrified. On the screen was a picture of a familiar draconequus with mismatched body parts holding a glass of chocolate milk staring at me. What made me even more horrified was the text under him.“CHAOS, ITS AMAZING ISNT IT, OH WAIT YOUR PONY HAHAHA, YOU'LL NEVER RETURN TO YOUR FAMILY.”“PS. YOU'RE IN THE EVERFREE AND A MANTICORE IS BEHIND YOU LOL FAG.”I cautiously turned my head around and found my face in a big angry lion’s face. It was licking its chops. Okay now I know what you are gonna say, its such a coincidence when a certain lavender or purple or whatever color pony came out of nowhere and started blasting the manticore with fireworks. The manticore was like ‘WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON, CAN’T YOU SEE I’M EATING?!’ then the pony was like ‘Pew pew pew taste my magic, shoo go away manticore!’ and I was all ‘what the fuck is going on?’.So the manticore finally scrammed and I was clutching on my computer with my amazing hoofs. Twilight asked, “Are you okay? Why are you in the Everfree forest and why are you holding onto that slab of metal?”I replied, “Go away, your not my waifu.”“Excuse me? I just saved your life and you are shooing me off?”“WELL I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE, CAN’t YOU SEE THAT I GOT TURNED INTO A PONY!”“Well excuse me, but I don't have a clue what you are talking about.”“Well, I am going to look for corn and eat beans.”“Why exactly are you looking for corn?”“Don’t question my logic. CORN FIXES EVERYTHING!”“I think you should go to a hospital. Let me help you up. Then you can get some corn.”“I miss my hands.” I started crying.“What are hands, are those things that Lyra keeps talking about?”Then I got up.“Where is Ponyville?”“That way.” She said, pointing her hoof into the dark abyss that is the Everfree forest.“Ok bye, adios amiga, remember to eat noodles.”Then I made my way where she pointed. Then out of fucking nowhere, she’s beside me.“I really think you should go to a hospital.”I didn’t reply. I just kept on walking… or was it trotting? I don’t give a fuck, as long as I got my corn. As we made it out of the forest. The fucking sun beamed into my eyes.“SWEET MERCIFUL JESUS, MY EYES!”“Don’t you mean sweet merciful Celestia?”“Shut up, can’t you see that my eyes are bleeding.”She looked at my eyes.“No they aren't. But, I think we should go to a hospital.”“Oh hey a bit.”I bent down and picked up a golden coin. Then I threw it at some random pony. Then said random pony came up to, holding the bit I just threw.“Is this yours?”“No.”“But I sa-”I put my hoof to the pony’s mouth.“Shut up, I just want to go get corn.”Shit.. wheres my laptop.“Hey Twilight, wheres my metal plate?”“Here, and how did you know my name? I never told you it.”I turned around and faced Twilight.“Rule number 1: if you insist on coming on my corn adventure, don’t question my logic. Rule number 2: Shut up unless I ask you something. It that clear?”“Hmph fine.”“Good, now I just need a banana.”“I thought you said you needed a c-”“What did I say about Rule number 1?”“Never question your logic.”“Good, now hand me my metal plate.”She takes it out from her saddlebags that appeared magically on her back. The laptop appears out of her bags and into my levitation.“I love magic so much.”“Ok…”And so we setted off on a 30 foot long journey that would take us 1 minute to accomplish. If only we had a giant ass hover board.And so that was what had happened, we now have buttered toast in our possession but no corn. Commander Shepard out.Audio Log 1 end