Hummingbird Heartbeat

Chapters

I

Rainbow Dash lifted her hoof to knock. The action was an old one, well-worn and automatic; she had knocked on this door countless times in her life. She paused, her hoof stopping inches from the surface, and she studied the faint swirl of wood grain hidden under a coat of red paint. The paint was bright and fresh; as fresh as the rest of the cottage, which was always alive with song emanating from all the birdhouses and the buzzing of insects in the sod roof.

Rainbow knew why the door’s paint was so bright. She had repainted it herself some three weeks before, bending down to dip the brush into the can, and slopping off the excess to keep from dribbling any drops on the ground. She had repainted it slowly and neatly, sweeping the bristles around the brass handles and hinges, until the door shone.

It was one of the most careful acts she had performed in recent memory, repainting Fluttershy’s door.

Her raised hoof drifted forward and she pressed against the door with a touch too gentle to make a sound. She felt the paint, thick and even, sliding her hoof along the surface. Her leg drifted lower until she found it.

And there it was, hidden by the thick coat, but permanently stamped in the wood. A hoofprint. The contours of the horseshoe held such familiarity: sleek and narrow with streamlined bolts to hold it in place, pressed into the hard plank in an imprinted copy.

Rainbow Dash was not always careful with her money, but she saved up for shoes. The few she had purchased when her wallet was slim threw off her flying. The mark in the wood was hers, when she bucked the door nearly off its hinges again. Her kick had torn up the old paint.

That’s why she had been so careful in repainting the door; not only as an unspoken apology to Fluttershy, but as a half-thought-out symbol of starting fresh. Again, she was starting over with Fluttershy; the wound of the kick delivered in anger not gone, but covered up in a layer of paint, hidden away from where anypony could see unless they knew where to look.

And here she was again.

Rainbow closed her eyes and a sigh escaped her muzzle. She leaned her forehead against the door and stood in silence.

Three weeks and they were on a break. Again.

“Fluttershy,” she whispered into the wood, “I still love you.”

Rainbow stepped away from the door, her brow drawn together with sadness and worry. She backed up in retreat, turned, and fled into the sky on her powerful wings. In a blink, Ponyville proper was underneath her, the townsfolk milling about the market, smiling and laughing. She turned and flew across downtown. The glittering liquid rainbowfalls surrounding her house grew in clarity at her approach, and she flew in through her bedroom window. She landed on the raised platform around her bed and fell into pacing, the smoothed cloudstuff springing beneath her hooves.

“Keep it together, Dash,” she told herself. “This has to happen. You can’t keep doing this.”

A frown marred her face as she wandered to her dresser. She slid the dog-eared stack of Daring Dos aside and lifted the framed picture in her hooves.

There they all were. Her and all her friends at the park, smiling for the camera after a picnic. When she squinted, she could see the sweat matting her coat in places; having landed after an impromptu series of stunts for the portrait. She probably stank like a beast at the time, but that didn’t stop Fluttershy.

It was funny looking at it. Her wing spread across Fluttershy’s back to press their withers together, smiles on both of their faces, more at each other than the camera. On the other side of Rarity and Pinkie Pie stood Twilight and Applejack, smiling directly at the camera and not looking at each other, their bodies separated by a comfortable foot of space.

‘So funny how everything changes,’ she thought, running her hoof over the image of her friends. The time blurred the weeks between the photo and when Applejack had marched up to the library with her mane combed and her hooves washed, knocked boldly, and announced to Twilight that she had ‘come a-courtin’.’ In Rainbow’s recollection, it might as well have happened the day after that picnic.

Rainbow Dash had been in the room to check out a new Do, but Applejack didn’t pause in embarrassment for a second. Rainbow thought she might have been able to roast a marshmallow on Twilight’s face, but her friend had said yes anyway. That had been over two years previous, before Twilight had become a princess.

If the photo had been taken that day, an extra set of wings wouldn’t have been the only difference. Rainbow could see it in her mind as clearly as if it were real: her and Fluttershy an awkward foot or two apart, either pointedly not looking at each other or a gaze met from only the corners of their eyes, while on the other side of Rarity and Pinkie, Twilight’s wing held Applejack close.

Her friends falling in love reminded Rainbow of a pair of trees she had seen in the Everfree. Somehow, through a strange trick of the sunlight, their trunks had bent towards each other over the countless years they’d grown, until they pressed together and twisted around one another. A sense of age and timelessness radiated from their enmeshed trunks; the trees were one instead of two, and as slowly as it happened, it seemed it had always been that way.

“Lucky stiffs,” she muttered, smirking at the picture. Twilight and Applejack had become the new constant in everypony’s lives as they grew closer together, two trees entwining their trunks into a single life.

Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash’s relationship was more like a tree knocked over in a stampede.

Rainbow sighed and set the photo back down. She ran a hoof through her mane and resumed pacing. Her wings twitched at her sides and her mind reeled, going down old paths in an endless loop, one she couldn’t break out of. Thinking was never her strongest point; Rainbow Dash, mare of action, did things. Thinking in circles had become far too common for her, though.

She scoffed and flew back out of the window. Flying always helped; the reprieve from stillness, coupled with wind in her mane and feathers, transformed her. She truly lived in the sky, soaring from spirals to loops, somersaults to hairpin turns, going faster, racing herself, racing to beat everypony who ever lived.

Despite the freedom of the air, Rainbow’s mind spiraled faster, down a tunnel leading backwards.

It had started with a race, too.

Rainbow Dash beat her wings past the point of burning, her eyes locked on the final cloud ring, so close to the ground, so close to her, with Hoops ahead and closing the distance. She grit her teeth in a wild grin; Hoops didn’t stand a chance.

Sending her challenger away in a spinout, Rainbow felt the world tighten around her, the air compressing in front of her hooves, her wings shaking and threatening to hurl her off course to join Hoops. All at once, the air parted.

A thunderclap shook the sky as she went through the ring and rocketed up. The air was smooth again and she was flying faster than she ever thought possible. She glanced over her shoulder and a smile stretched across her entire face. Whatever had happened, Rainbow Dash had won, hooves down. She tore through the checkered finish line with a rainbow trailing behind her.

She landed on a cloud in a strut, and was immediately swarmed by ponies: classmates, teachers, and random pegasi that had flocked to the site. The small cloud had enough hoof space for less than a third of them.

“Was that you, kid?”

“I’ve never seen anything like that before!”

“I thought it was a myth!”

“What’s your name? The Cloudsdale Chronicle will want to hear about this.”

“I never thought I’d see—”

“To imagine it could be real—”

“A filly really performed—”

“A Sonic Rainboom,” they chanted in sync.

A hush fell over the horde of ponies, squashed together in a circle around her. She brushed her messy mane away from her eyes, still panting from the exertion of the race. She blinked while looking around the crowd. “A what?”

“A Sonic Rainboom!” they called. A filly in Rainbow’s class, Sweet Pop, bounced forward. “I read about it in a book once! It’s a pegasus legend nopony’s ever seen before!”

“Reading? Barf.”

“But it’s true!” a stallion exclaimed, nodding in excitement. “It’s never been seen before and thought to be impossible! Everypony everywhere will know your name—err, what is your name?”

She puffed out her chest. “Rainbow Dash!” The crowd leapt back a foot and grabbed the cloud by the edges. They lifted and Rainbow gasped in surprise as she was flung off her hooves.

“Three cheers for Rainbow Dash! Hip-hip!”

Rainbow bounced on the cloud only to be flung up a second time.

“Hooray!”

“Hip-hip!”

Rainbow landed again and started giggling. They tossed her back upwards.

“Hooray!”

“Hip-hip!”

“Hooray!”

Rainbow could totally get used to this.

Laughing as she landed on the puffy cloud, she climbed back to standing and glanced around at the faces beaming at her. A shock of bright color caught her eye and she looked over her shoulder.

“No…way…” she gasped. Her eyes lit up and a painful grin stretched across her face. “I got my cutie mark!” She leapt off the cloud and somersaulted in the air, her fatigue forgotten. She whipped around searching out the familiar face of her best friend. Fluttershy was probably too timid to approach with such a large group of ponies around, but they had been Blank Flank Friends for years. Forget the cheers over the Sonic Whatever, she needed to celebrate with Fluttershy.

A frown cut through her elation. Every which way she turned, she couldn’t catch coat nor mane of her friend. Most everypony was right in front of her, with Hoops and Dumb-Bell slinking off in the distance. Her brow creased. “Has…has anypony seen Fluttershy?”

“That scaredy-filly?” Pinkie Feather scoffed. Rainbow glared daggers and snorted, making Pinkie back up a pace with her eyes wide. “I-I mean, no, not since she started the race.”

Rainbow’s frown deepened and she took off from the group, heading back towards the starting mark. Fluttershy was nowhere to be found as she looked, pulling apart larger clouds and peeking under shadowy ones, searching her timid friend’s go-to hiding spots. Rainbow darted down and her breath caught in her throat.

The starting flag lay half-embedded in a small puff of cloud, well below the racetrack.

“She…she fell?” Rainbow’s eyes widened until they stung. “No! Fluttershy!” she screamed, her voice echoing across the sky. She beat her aching wings and blazed downwards, away from the white and blue world she had always known.

“You have to be okay,” she whispered into the wind fleeing around her. “You have to be.” She shut her eyes and specks of water blew away from her cheeks.

Levelling out, she landed on the grass and stumbled. Ground was so hard compared to clouds. She hopped a few times, bewildered at the sensation, then whipped her head around the unfamiliar landscape. So many obstacles impeded her vision and she wished she was back in the sky: clouds were easier to scan. Her heart thumped in her chest as she wandered in panicked circles through the trees. “Fluttershy!” she screamed again, desperation flooding her voice. “Fluttershy, answer me!”

Tears dribbled down her cheeks as she ran faster. “Please be okay, please be okay, please be okay…”

The soft voice made her skid to a halt. “Rainbow?”

Relief crashed against her like a gale, dropping her to her belly. She forced herself back to standing, her whole body shaking, and rushed towards the call at a full gallop. “Fluttershy!” Her voice hitched and wavered. “Are you hurt? Where are you?”

The trees parted and she found her friend, surrounded by several types of animals she’d never seen before. At her wild approach, they fled back into the woods, and Fluttershy raised a hoof after them, some form of protest dying on her lips. Rainbow tackled her to the ground before she could say anything.

“Fluttershy! You’re safe! Oh, thank Celestia…” She hugged Fluttershy tight, drawing a squeak, and nuzzled her friend’s neck, leaving a smear of frightened and relieved tears across Fluttershy’s coat. “You fell, and I didn’t notice! I’m so sorry, I could’ve lost you! Y-you’re my b-best friend, and I c-could’ve lost you!”

Rainbow sniffled, pressing Fluttershy to the ground. Her friend, despite being older and taller, always felt so fragile. She had a hummingbird heartbeat and she trembled to the touch, and her breaths were always shallow and rapid. “I’m so glad you’re okay,” Rainbow whispered.

Fluttershy got her wits about her and hugged her friend back. “Everything’s okay,” she told Rainbow. “I’m okay; a group of butterflies caught me.”

“Thank Celestia.” A ragged breath shook Rainbow’s body. Without a thought passing through her head, she turned in the embrace and kissed Fluttershy’s cheek.

Rainbow sprung away as if struck, her whole face turning red to match her messy bangs. She stared awestruck as Fluttershy sat up and touched the spot she’d kissed with a hoof. “R-Rainbow?” Fluttershy squeaked.

“I-I’m sorry, I was just so—” Rainbow whimpered and looked around wildly. She wanted a cloud to bury herself in, but the foreign world of the ground was covered in plants and hard stuff. She thought about flying away, and even opened her wings before a gentle hoof caught her cheek. She turned back.

Fluttershy brushed her swooping bangs away from her face so she could see Rainbow with both eyes. “You…like me?”

Rainbow couldn’t read Fluttershy’s expression as her friend edged closer, mesmerized by wide eyes in which she could see her own reflection. Rainbow looked frightened, and her cheeks were matted with dirt from her tears: more like a lost kitten than a pony. She didn’t look cool at all. She looked like how she felt. A fool. A foolish little filly bawling her eyes out over a friend. A friend older than her by a year, who was too shy to talk to anypony the same age, but talked to her for some unfathomable reason. Her best and only real friend. She whimpered again.

“Like…like-me, like me?”

Rainbow’s throat didn’t want to respond. Numbly, she gave a nod and looked away, shutting her eyes. That same soft hoof drew her back. She kept her eyes stubbornly shut, not wanting to see the look of shock and fear in Fluttershy’s face; she’d seen that look enough, her sweet and quiet friend’s features distorted by every bully, every cruel jest. She didn’t want to be responsible for that same look; not then, not ever.

Rainbow felt tiny, humid puffs of breath on her muzzle. She opened her eyes despite her better judgment.

Fluttershy sat a bare inch away from Rainbow. Her nervous expression held both shock and fear, but not the same as Rainbow expected. Rainbow held her breath as Fluttershy leaned in and kissed her on the tip of the snout.

Rainbow blinked, completely dumbfounded.

“I…I thought I was the only pony who liked other fillies,” Fluttershy whispered. “I never thought you’d ever like me back.” She leaned away and let her mane fall over her blush-tinged face.

Rainbow’s slack jaw closed and her lips turned up in a face-splitting smile, wider than when she won the race, wider than the one she got from all the cheers over her Sonar Whosawhatsits. She leapt at Fluttershy and hugged the trembling filly again, nuzzling cheek to cheek. Fluttershy squeaked and giggled, and it was music to her ears. She started laughing, too.

“Oh, Fluttershy, this is awesome!” she chimed, her voice cracking. “I’ve wanted—but we can now! Fluttershy, will you go out with me?”

Fluttershy sat back from the crushing hug and smiled at Rainbow: a sweet smile that made Rainbow’s heart race. “I’d…I’d like that.”

Rainbow leapt into the air and pumped a hoof. “Oh, man! I can’t wait to get back home; I’m gonna be the best girlfriend ever, just you watch! C’mon, let’s go!”

Fluttershy’s smile fell as her gaze turned skyward, back to the clouds off in the distance. “…Home?” She looked around the clearing. Her animal friends had edged back and watched the two of them solemnly from the trees. “Rainbow…I’m not going back.”

Rainbow’s wings froze and she landed hard. “Wh-what? What do you mean you’re not going back?”

“This is where I’m supposed to be.” Her voice came out soft, but there was a strength of conviction in it Rainbow wasn’t sure she ever heard from Fluttershy. “I’m supposed to be on the ground, with these animals. It’s my destiny…see—” Fluttershy stood up and turned, revealing the three pink butterflies on her flank. “—I got my cutie mark.”

A wave of giddiness overtook Rainbow and she grinned again. “I got mine, too! From the race!” She turned to show off the colorful lightning bolt flashing down her gaskin. “It’s what I’m supposed to do! I was born to be…in the…air.”

The smile slid off her face as she turned back to Fluttershy. A great distance grew between them in the solitary foot of space, and Rainbow’s heart thumped painfully. “What…where are you gonna go?”

“There’s a little town not too far from here,” she answered, looking away. “It’s called Ponyville. I have a cousin who lives there, if I’m remembering right.” She turned back to Rainbow and their eyes met.

“So…” Rainbow shuffled her hooves. “What about…going out?”

Fluttershy looked back up at the clouds and a little smile graced her face. “It’s…really not that far from Cloudsdale, is it?”

Rainbow looked up, and then back around the trees. “It’s…really not.” She smirked. “Nopony really comes down here ever, but I can fly it in a second!” She puffed out her chest for a moment, then pawed at the ground, her tone growing sheepish. “So…you still wanna be my special somepony?”

Fluttershy stepped forward and nuzzled her cheek. She squealed, and then coughed to cover up the totally uncool noise. Clearing her throat, she put on a challenging grin. “Alright! So…send me a letter when you’ve got a place? And we’ll…like…go do stuff?”

Fluttershy giggled and nodded. “It’ll be a little hard, but we can make it work, can’t we?”

“Totally!” Rainbow hesitated for a second, then stepped forward and kissed Fluttershy’s cheek again. She jumped into the air and started the ascent back to the racetrack, turning and calling over her shoulder, “You can count on me! I won’t mess up and hurt you. I promise.”

II

Rainbow Dash flared her wings, her feathers twisting painfully as they caught the wind. She felt the contents of her belly jerk forward from the sudden stop, and her stomach lurched. She flew with jerky wingbeats to a small cloud and collapsed, shutting her eyes. She dragged herself up onto her haunches as bitter tears ran down her cheeks.

“Some promise.”

It had started well enough. A few days after the race, Rainbow got a letter delivered to her dorm room with an address, a time to meet, and the puckered semicircle print of a pink kiss. She grinned even as her cheeks burned, thinking about how much her timid girlfriend must have squeaked and mumbled buying lipstick, let alone actually working up the nerve to kiss the sheet of paper.

They had met in the park that Sunday, and every Sunday after that for a while, having picnics, going to movies, and being awkward at each other. For a long time Rainbow felt out of her element and exposed on the ground, and so many things confused and bored her. Everything was far too solid down with earth ponies and unicorns: when she crashed into stuff, it hurt. When she asked what the heck she’d hit, it would launch a twisting conversation about what something or other was made from, and suddenly she wanted to crash into it again instead of listen.

And Fluttershy was just as bashful as ever; the bravery she’d displayed after the race had evaporated, and she could barely look Rainbow in the eye without blushing. To Rainbow’s dismay, she couldn’t control her own body very well, squeaking and stammering, fumbling with her hooves. It went beyond an absence of cool and straight into lame territory.

Back at flight school, Rainbow had a different set of concerns. After the Sonic Rainboom, she found herself a local celebrity and she basked in the spotlight. Everypony looked to her, and it made her feel insanely cool.

A rueful smile cut through her tears as she reminisced. She had been so quick to bask in that spotlight again when given half the chance, leading her friends to concoct a fictional hero to show her how she was acting. It had been so easy to fall back into it, despite what it had cost the first time.

Everypony swarmed her in Cloudsdale: reporters, sports fans, science enthusiasts, history buffs, everypony everywhere needed to meet the filly who had broken the magic barrier, but as her pride swelled, a rising bubble of fear blossomed in the pit of her stomach.

No matter how hard she flew, she couldn’t do it again.

Rainbow drove herself harder and harder with each passing week, trying to replicate the feat. And every week, fewer ponies showed up to see her. She felt like an attraction at a zoo that just wasn’t bringing customers in anymore, and soon she was alone again just like before, except she didn’t have Fluttershy there. Fluttershy lived in Ponyville, and in their few precious hours together, they could hardly make eye contact.

“I can’t do this anymore, Fluttershy.”

“…Wh-what?”

Rainbow shut her eyes and grimaced as the words replayed in her head.

“It’s not working. You’re too far away all the time.”

“Y-you’re breaking up with me?”

Fluttershy’s voice was so quiet. Frail and brittle, like a pane of glass poured too thin, ready to spiderweb with the barest amount of pressure.

“…Still friends?”

Rainbow could still remember her best friend’s—her first girlfriend’s—face, twisted to pain and sadness. Fluttershy wasn’t angry with her. Rainbow had seen that same look countless times: Fluttershy blamed herself. Another moment Fluttershy could hold up as evidence of her personal failure.

The same look when a bully mocked her. And it was Rainbow’s fault.

She had broken her promise.

Clenching her jaw, Rainbow wiped at her face and flew back across town. Fluttershy’s house stood in front of her again. She trotted up to the bright red door and knocked.

The top half swung in and Fluttershy blinked at her. “Oh…Hi, Rainbow Dash.”

“H-hi.” She pinned her ears back. “Can I come in?”

A waver of ambivalence and hope warred across Fluttershy’s features. After a moment, she said, “Okay.” She pulled open the lower half of the door and Rainbow trotted inside.

Standing awkwardly in her…friend’s living room, spinning in place to see all the gilded cages, scratching posts, and rodent tubes lining the walls, uneasiness dug its way back into the pit of Rainbow’s stomach. Fluttershy sat down on the couch and stared forward with a controlled blankness. Rainbow scratched the back of her neck.

“…Why are you here, Rainbow?”

She looked down at the floor, warring with herself, wanting to be bold. The look of pain on the younger version of Fluttershy’s face flashed through her mind, and her resolve crumbled. “I just wanna talk.”

Fluttershy swept a hoof through her mane and studied Rainbow’s face. A bit of the stoniness left and a weak smile bloomed on her lips. “…I was about to make some tea. I still have some beers in the fridge, do you want one?”

Rainbow nodded automatically. As Fluttershy stood and headed into the kitchen, she followed behind and muttered to herself, “Coward.”

Taking her customary seat at the table, she watched her friend fill a cup with already steaming water and pull a dark bottle from the fridge. The beer hissed as she popped off the cap, and she took her seat, sliding the bottle to Rainbow’s waiting hoof. Rainbow tipped it back and smiled despite herself: Fluttershy had her tongue stuck out in concentration as she bobbed the tea bag up and down in the water.

So many little things that always drew a smile to her face. Fluttershy looked up and Rainbow’s smile grew. Whenever Fluttershy made tea, she always stuck out her tongue, and whenever Rainbow was around, she would flinch halfway through and look up like she’d been caught doing something wrong.

Fluttershy grinned at her and set the tea bag on the saucer. In their shared smile, Rainbow found herself thinking again.

It had started again with that same smile.

Pinkie Pie tackled her to the floor of Sugarcube Corner. “We all owe our cutie marks to you!”

Rainbow blinked at Pinkie, still trying to take in the revelation her friends were sharing. As Pinkie stepped back, she pulled herself to half prone before Fluttershy smiled at her. “Do you realize what this means?”

Rainbow froze in place at that smile and couldn’t bring herself to climb back to her hooves.

“All of us had a special connection before we even met!”

Her forelegs shook as Fluttershy loomed over her; her heart thundered like she’d just won that race. As she opened her mouth, Rarity leaned in and broke her train of thought. “We’ve been BFFs forever and we didn’t even know it!”

Rainbow grinned awkwardly at her friends as they crowded around.

Applejack stepped forward. “C’mere, y’all!”

Rainbow felt herself pulled to her hooves and hugged by all her friends. Her grin turned heartfelt and genuine in their embrace as the reality of what that day had meant to them all, including herself, at last sunk in. Scootaloo made retching noises as an impromptu party whirled to life, lasting for hours and bringing Rainbow closer to the five ponies in her life than she had ever felt. The strange moment with Fluttershy fled to the back of her mind, until the night wound down and she prepared to go home. Fluttershy stopped her just outside the bakery.

Rainbow yawned and scanned the sky, searching out the top of her cloud home in the distance. She asked in a bored and tired tone, “What’s up, Fluttershy? It’s getting kinda late.”

Fluttershy fell into pace a few steps behind her as she meandered into the dusk. Watching Rainbow, Fluttershy cleared her throat. “It’s funny how we never talked about the Sonic Rainboom, isn’t it? We got caught up in…everything else.”

Rainbow froze mid-step. She turned and gave Fluttershy her whole attention. Just like hours before, she became aware of Fluttershy again in a different way, a way that was both brand-new and wholly familiar. “…There was a lot of other stuff, huh?”

Fluttershy giggled and her heart started thumping again. A wild series of thoughts passed over her mind: this subject had been buried years before, they had been nothing more than friends, she hadn’t thought about ‘them’ in ages. What had changed? Why did she feel like a filly again?

“Do you ever…think about ‘us’?”

Rainbow nodded. As she did, she knew she wasn’t even lying. Fluttershy stepped closer and Rainbow could smell her shampoo.

“It’s been great to get to know you again, Rainbow. If there was anything I regret about leaving flight school, it was what it did to our friendship.”

Rainbow swallowed a lump in her throat.

Their eyes met and Fluttershy looked away, color staining her cheeks. Despite the waves of nerves spilling off Fluttershy’s body, she whispered, “…Do you ever think about trying again?”

Rainbow closed her eyes as a dam broke somewhere inside. She stepped forward and nuzzled Fluttershy’s cheek, her action rough enough to make the blushing mare stumble back. Fluttershy regained her footing and giggled. She returned the affection and they tottered away from Sugarcube Corner together, their steps punch-drunk and careless.

The sun had long since set when they reached Fluttershy’s home, sides pressed close and visions obscured by each other’s manes. Fluttershy’s hoof caught on a rock as they crossed the small bridge, and she tumbled forward with a squeak. Rainbow’s forelegs flashed out and caught her before she landed on her face. “Th-thanks.” Rainbow hovered up a foot while holding her around the middle, and she snaked around in their sudden embrace to stare into Rainbow’s eyes. “…I missed this,” she whispered. “I missed how safe you make me feel.” Fluttershy wrapped her hooves around Rainbow’s neck and kissed her.

Rainbow landed blind, hugging Fluttershy to her chest, kissing back, a filly again, but still a mare aware of the heat radiating into her chest from a trembling coat and hummingbird heartbeat.

It was fast, probably too fast, that Rainbow carried Fluttershy up her stairs to her bed, still locked in a kiss. Rainbow settled Fluttershy on the sheets and crawled on top of her, lost in her eyes and quickened breaths. “P-please be gentle,” Fluttershy whispered.

“I won’t hurt you. I promise.” Her voice cracked; she realized she hadn’t spoken a word since Fluttershy had asked if she’d thought about ‘them,’ too caught up in her stumbling hooves and emotions. The words were strange to her own ears, a fog of time rendering the déjà vu foreign and intangible.

She kept her promise then, and over many nights of gentle lovemaking, the awkward courting of their fllyhoods replaced by passion and giddy joy. A whirlwind of days and weeks bringing them closer.

The photo on her dresser wasn’t taken long after that first night.

Fluttershy took a sip of her tea as Rainbow swallowed a mouthful of beer. “So,” Fluttershy asked, “what did you want to talk about?” She looked away, her eyes trailing over the countertops, searching for something to hold her focus. “It’s not been that long, but are you ready to try again?”

Rainbow studied Fluttershy as she nursed her drink. That little grin. The way Fluttershy’s muzzle crinkled when she sipped her tea. So many little things that always drew a smile to Rainbow’s face.

Rainbow frowned.

“Fluttershy, I think we should break up.”

The grin melted away, replaced by stony ambivalence. She took another sip and looked down at the table, the barest hint of annoyance edging into her voice. “We are on a break, Rainbow. What’s to break up?”

“I think we should break up for good.” Fluttershy started and looked at her with questioning eyes. She swallowed down the feeling of guilt and continued. “No more of this ‘on again, off again’ stuff. It’s not working, Fluttershy. We’ve tried, but it’s just not working.”

A thick silence stretched out through the kitchen as they stared at each other. As Rainbow’s beer warmed and her tea cooled, Fluttershy at last sat back in her seat, sighing. “Why do this now?”

Rainbow grimaced. “I don’t know.”

Fluttershy sighed again, rubbing her temples. “Of course you don’t know.” She dropped her hooves to the table. “So that’s it? Two and half years…” she shook her head, “…fifteen years of trying, and no reason? How can you not have a reason?”

Rainbow looked down at her beer. She took a long swig, wrinkling her snout at the warmth, and set it back on the table. One of her hindlegs bounced with nervous energy. “It’s ‘cause I still love you and I keep trying to make it work.”

Fluttershy’s expression softened for a moment, but then re-hardened. She drained the rest of her cup. “I still love you, too, Rainbow. So why should we stop? We should try harder.”

“It’s not enough, okay?!” Rainbow barked. She blinked and sat back in her seat, dropping her voice. “It’s not enough that we love each other if we can’t make it work.”

They sat in silence, looking everywhere but at each other. Rainbow finished her beer in the quiet and rose automatically, carrying the empty and Fluttershy’s cup to the sink. She rinsed out the bottle and shoved it in the bin to go back for the two bit return refund, before washing the cup and saucer. After loading them into the drainer, she returned to the table.

Fluttershy watched her the whole time. She stole glances at Fluttershy’s expression. The old hurt, the same broken promise, was there, but it was buried underneath a hardness. As she looked, Rainbow’s resolve twisted and squirmed. When she took her seat, she studied her hooves instead of that face.

“I can’t believe you’re just giving up.”

Rainbow felt her blood pressure jump, but she willed herself calm. No need to leave another imprint in the door. “We’re just going in circles.”

“But we love each other.”

Rainbow closed her eyes. “I know we do,” she whispered.

Fluttershy’s voice dropped in volume, the edge replaced by exhaustion. “I’ve loved you for years. I…I never really stopped, even when we were fillies.”

Rainbow inhaled through her snout and rubbed her face. “It…it doesn’t matter. We have two good months, three bad weeks, break up, get back together, do the same thing, over and over again. I mean…what even started it this time?”

“The knitting.”

Sighing and rolling her eyes, Rainbow slumped back in her chair. “I know it was the knitting, but what the heck reason is that to break up? Why’d it get to be such a big deal?”

A reproachful tint entered Fluttershy’s tone. “You tell me.”

“Ugh.” She snorted. “That damn clicking; I thought I was gonna pull out my mane.” She shuddered and shook her head. “It’s always stuff like that. I kicked the damn door ‘cause I apparently ‘burp too much.’”

Fluttershy shook her head and looked out the window. “It was after every meal and you knocked pictures off the walls.”

“Heh, yeah.” Rainbow’s chuckle died when Fluttershy glared at her. She cleared her throat and turned away. “It’s always so stupid. On both sides.” She shot a pointed look at Fluttershy, who nodded with some reluctance. “Everything just…boils over. All the time.” She let out a long breath, her volume dropping again. “Are you really happy with this?”

Fluttershy’s gaze grew introspective. “…No, not really. Most of the time, anyway.” A pall of sadness fell over her face. “But when it’s good I am.” She hung her head and closed her eyes. “…More than anything. I’m never happier than I am with you.”

Rainbow’s heart throbbed and she drooped to match. “…Me, too.”

Wiping at her eyes, Fluttershy looked back up. “Is…is this really it? Do you really want to stop?”

Rainbow couldn’t lift her head as she scanned the wood grain of the table. The deafening stillness stretched out again. Her voice quivered when she finally answered. “No.” Before Fluttershy could answer, she straightened up and forced out, “But what I want isn’t enough, Fluttershy. We’re just so…bad for each other. I don’t get why you love me. All I do is hurt you.”

Fluttershy’s expression turned to granite again. “I love you because you make me feel more than I am.” She stood up and stomped to the sink, putting the dried cup and saucer away in a cabinet. “I’m always so scared unless you’re there, and when you are it feels like I don’t have to be. I can be more than some little scaredy-filly who can hardly fly when you’re around. I can feel safe and just be myself with you, and I know I always will.” The anger left her voice. “At least, when it’s good it feels like that.”

Rainbow stared wide-eyed at Fluttershy as she returned to the table. The hurt was gone and Fluttershy only looked sad. Sad and tired. Fluttershy mumbled, “You’re so different than me, and I feel like I can be a bit more like you, even when I am scared.”

Rainbow swallowed to moisten her throat. She blinked rapidly and looked away. “I’m…it’s…it’s cool that I can do that for you.”

A wry grin pulled at Fluttershy’s lips, the expression not quite reaching her eyes. “It’s probably frustrating for you. If I’m being honest…” she chewed her lip and looked away again, “I don’t know what you see in me.”

Rainbow looked Fluttershy over. The last of her resolve tore away, and she wanted nothing more than to hold Fluttershy in her hooves, kiss the pony she loved, cry into her mane and whisper promises to never hurt her again.

But the question rooted her in place.

“…I don’t know.”

They stared at each other until the grandfather clock in the living room chimed. Fluttershy stood with unease. “I have to go—”

“—Feed the animals, I know.”

Fluttershy hesitated for a moment, before trotting to the refrigerator. She took a second beer out, popped off the cap, and left it for Rainbow. She cantered outside without saying another word. Rainbow sipped her beer and stared at the table.

It had once ended with a beer, too.

III

“I gotta tell ya, F…Flt…” Rainbow’s eyes crossed as she forced her tongue to work properly. “Fluttershy…you were awesome today.” Rainbow tipped back her glass and drained the rest of the beer, teetering on the barstool.

Fluttershy smiled and took a sip of her water. “Thanks, Rainbow.”

“No, no, really.” Rainbow shook her head emphatically. “Ev…everythin’ I said to Spitfire, I meant. We never would’a gotten ‘nough wing power without you.” She tapped on the bar, and the bartender brought her another glass. She gulped down half and swayed, leaning into Fluttershy’s shoulder. She dropped her voice to a mumbling whisper. “I knew you could do it, y’just needed me to en…encour…help ya get there.”

A ghost of a frown crossed Fluttershy’s lips as Rainbow pulled away and downed another mouthful of beer. She took a sip of water and said, “I’m just glad we could get the reservoir up to Cloudsdale at all.”

“Yeah, it wasn’t lookin’ too good.” Rainbow kicked off from the bar to send her stool spinning, giggling as she went. “You totally saved th’ day.” She lost balance and almost tumbled to the floor, landing against Fluttershy roughly. She nuzzled into her girlfriend’s shoulder and growled, “An’ you were so damn hot up there.”

Fluttershy grimaced as Rainbow nibbled her neck, shooting a glance all around the room. “C-can we go home, Rainbow?”

“But I’m not done drinkin’!” She lunged to the bar and drained the rest of her beer. “S’a party!”

“I have some beer at home. Please can we go?”

“Spoilsport,” Rainbow giggled. She swung a hoof back to her saddlebag fast enough to spin the chair, and she slid off onto the floor. Fluttershy helped her to her hooves and she fumbled around to pull a pouch of bits out, a stream of helpless chuckles escaping her mouth the whole time. Fluttershy’s gaze drifted around the darkened room from pony to pony as her girlfriend counted out the tab, and when they turned to leave she dropped her line of sight to the floor.

Rainbow stumbled into her side and leaned against her for support as they trotted out of the bar. The cool night air hit their faces and a shiver ran up Rainbow’s spine. She nuzzled Fluttershy strong enough to make her girlfriend stumble. “Why such a hurry? You wanna get home right away?” Fluttershy felt Rainbow kiss the base of her jaw and she grimaced again; her eyes darting around the assorted ponies milling about the streets. “You wanna cele…sss…cel’brate in style?”

Fluttershy felt a hoof drift up her flank and she stepped away from Rainbow. Her drunken girlfriend teetered without her support and fell back into her, nearly driving them both to the ground. As Rainbow giggled, she straightened up and increased her pace, her mouth set in a thin line.

“What’sa…what’sa matter?” Rainbow asked, wavering as they sped up.

“Nothing.”

Rainbow’s laughter dropped off as they hurried out of town and down the path to Fluttershy’s home. They made their way inside quietly to avoid waking up any of the animals, and Rainbow collapsed onto a chair at the kitchen table. Fluttershy sighed and grabbed a beer out of the fridge. Rainbow stared at the open bottle in front of her for a moment before leveling her gaze on Fluttershy.

The canter through cool air coupled with her fast metabolism had lifted most of the fog of booze from her mind. She didn’t slur her words when she said, “What’s with you?”

Fluttershy pulled back the blinds to let the light of the moon in, casting a white glow around the kitchen, and sat down at the table. She slumped in her chair and rubbed her temples. “Nothing. Everything’s fine.”

“Stop it,” Rainbow grumbled, taking a drink. “You always do this. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong.”

Rainbow slammed her hoof on the table, making her beer rattle. “Tell me what’s wrong!”

Fluttershy jumped in her seat and sat up straight. She looked away and crossed her forelegs over her chest as if huddling for warmth. “You’re drunk, Rainbow. If you still want to know in the morning, we can talk about it then.”

“Just tell me, I’m not that drunk.”

Fluttershy’s frown deepened and she hugged herself tighter.

“Celestia dammit, Fluttershy!” Rainbow slammed her hooves down again. “You always, always do this! I just wanna talk and you shut down! You did it all this week, too!”

Fluttershy’s hooves dropped to the table in challenge and she leaned forward, glaring at Rainbow. “You want to know? Fine. You spent all week pushing me and pushing me to fly for the water transfer, because it was important to you. And I tried, and fought, and I did it, and you said all those nice things to Spitfire, and I felt so great, and…” She blinked and glittering wet rolled down her cheeks. “And you still made it all about you, anyway!”

“What are you talking about?” Rainbow’s brow furrowed as she took a swig, her words coming out harsher than she meant.

“‘All you needed was me encouraging you.’ Some encouragement.” She looked at the table as sour tears ran down her face. “You knew what it was like in flight school. You knew. And all week you’ve been telling me it ‘wasn’t a big deal.’ Because it got in the way of what you wanted me to do, even if it scared me.”

“But you did do it, and you did awesome!” Rainbow grunted with barely restrained anger. “You just needed a push to get through it, so I gave you a reason to do it!”

“I did it for me!” Fluttershy yelled. She gasped and clapped her hooves over her mouth, shocked at her own volume. She sat back and closed her eyes. “Not for you, or for Cloudsdale, I did it because I needed to. And I thought you got it.”

“I said you did it, didn’t I? I knew that was hard for you, which is why I kept pushing; I knew it’d be good for you!”

“You still don’t get it, and then afterwards, in front of all those ponies…” She touched her neck where Rainbow had nipped her. “What if somepony saw you kissing me and said something? I can’t deal with that, you know I can’t, why can’t you ever remember?”

Rainbow rolled her eyes and took a long drink. “If anypony ever says anything, I’ll buck their face off.”

“I don’t want you to get in fights, I just want to be left alone.” She shook her head slowly. “All I ever want is to be left alone, but you don’t understand because all you want is to be the center of attention. Just like when we were fillies and you broke up with me so you never had to leave Cloudsdale, where everypony wanted your autograph.”

“That’s not why!” Rainbow shouted at the top of her lungs. In the flare of anger, she grabbed the beer bottle off the table and swung her leg. As soon as the bottle left her hoof she regretted it, and she watched helplessly as it shot through the air.

The bottle smashed on the wall with a tinkling splash. Beer fizz splattered in a rough circle, dotted with the shards of glass that stuck in place instead of raining to the ground. Fluttershy shrieked and leapt off the chair, scooting across the floor to the opposite wall.

Rainbow heaved ragged breaths, staring at the wall with disbelieving eyes. “I…I’m sor—”

“Just go away!” Fluttershy cried.

Rainbow sat rooted on the spot, watching thick foam dribble down the wall. The sound of chickens scrabbling through the yard came in through the closed window; the noise from breaking glass and yelling had roused them from their sleep. Rainbow turned her head.

Fluttershy was cowering from her. She had taken the love of her life out to celebrate after seeing Fluttershy break through all her barriers. Rainbow had been so proud of Fluttershy and just wanted to do something nice.

And the old pain, the old fear, the old broken promise shone on Fluttershy’s face.

Rainbow Dash fled the house, flying dangerously fast and crooked from the alcohol still in her system.

Rainbow stood from the table and carried the full beer to the sink. She poured it out and watched the fluffy head spatter against the drain. After that night, she never drank more than two beers around Fluttershy, but as she rinsed the empty bottle, she knew it was just treating a symptom. She turned and trotted back towards the table.

Her eyes scanned the wall, expecting to see the thrown drink shine in the moonlight, but it had been washed away and left with a stretch of whitewash, bright in the midday sun streaming through the window. The ghost of the image was still there. She sat down on the floor and stared at the wall.

Rainbow’s ear flicked as Fluttershy’s voice, muffled by the window, filtered in from the back yard. “Not now, Angel.”

Rainbow sighed and drooped where she sat.

“I mean it; Rainbow’s inside and I don’t have time for this. You like carrots, I know you do, I’ll make you something fancier later.”

A small and helpless smirk lifted Rainbow’s lips.

“Listen, buster, I really don’t have the energy for this right now, so eat your carrot and like it.”

A wave of desire raced up Rainbow’s spine. Stronger than before, stronger than she’d remembered in months, she wanted to rush to Fluttershy’s side and hold her. It was almost dizzying how powerfully it struck her as she sat in the kitchen and imagined beer dripping down the wall.

Rainbow frowned and her thoughts turned inward. She circled the question again, puzzling, forcing herself to think, trying to break through the stubborn loop.

She didn’t want to break up with Fluttershy. The why on that was easy. She didn’t want to break up, because she loved Fluttershy. She loved the way she felt around her beautiful, quiet little pony when things were good. Her brow creased as she contemplated.

“…How do I feel around her?”

Rainbow traced the feelings into her past and found herself remembering how they had first become friends back in flight school. Some bully whose name had drifted away with the sands of time had called her a runt, and her anger got the better of her. Instead of a race, and despite the colt being twice her size, she had settled with him immediately with a hoof to the jaw.

The colt hadn’t gone down. Any old notions he might have had about not hitting girls fled his mind as soon as she split his lip. Rainbow Dash was many things over the course of her life, but weak, a pushover, mild-tempered, or completely in control of herself were not on the list. She didn’t remember the fight very well, but that wasn’t caused by the fifteen years of time passing; she blanked a large portion of it from her memory as it happened.

One moment the colt had lunged at her. The next thing she knew, she was standing over him, her snout bleeding, her hooves aching, her breaths heavy.

He wasn’t moving anymore. He hadn’t been moving for a lot of the hits, she was told later. She did remember the aftermath, crystallized in her memory in stark detail: the way all the other foals looked at her. Their widened eyes skittering away as she turned, the way they shied back from her presence.

They looked at her like she was a wild animal that had broken free of a cage. Some sort of rampaging beast instead of a pony. Rainbow remembered feeling her stomach shrivel as she turned in place, remembered feeling like a dangerous creature.

Until she locked eyes with Fluttershy.

Rainbow’s spine straightened in recognition. That look, years old and on the face of a filly instead of a mare, rocked her where she sat. She suddenly knew exactly when she had started thinking about ‘them’ again: it was at the top of a mountain in front of a dragon. Her mouth opened and she laughed.

Fluttershy came back inside and paused in the doorway. Rainbow sat on the floor by the wall, tears running down her face and laughing. Fluttershy frowned and stepped forward. “Rainbow?”

In a shot, Rainbow was around her neck, pinning her to the ground and rubbing tears into her cheek. “I’m so stupid,” Rainbow giggled.

“Rainbow, what—?” Fluttershy closed her eyes as Rainbow kissed her, small giggles vibrating her lips.

Holding her close, feeling her body tremble and her jittery pulse, Rainbow broke the kiss and nuzzled her again. “I love you because I’m a wild animal.”

“What?”

“I’m a wild animal, Fluttershy. I always have been, and you’ve always seen it, but you don’t care. You don’t care and you love me anyway—maybe because that’s who I am. When I’m with you, I don’t have to fight all the time, because you understand me and you’re not afraid of me.” She sat up. “At least when I’m being myself.”

Fluttershy stroked Rainbow’s mane, letting herself be pulled up to her haunches. For a while she just basked in being held. Eventually she broke the silence. “…Where does this leave us? It doesn’t really fix anything.”

Rainbow chuckled again and leaned back from the embrace, studying Fluttershy’s face. “It fixes a lot. When one of your animals is messing up, what do you do?”

Fluttershy frowned. “Well, I tell it what’s going on and—”

“Exactly. Everything gets to be this big deal because we never tell each other what’s going on until it is a big deal.”

Fluttershy sat back and looked around the room, lost in thought. “…I never want to start fights.”

“And I don’t either; I’m too busy trying to be this safe place for you, when you don’t need me to do that. Me being quiet isn’t what makes you feel safe. Me being me makes you feel safe. And you not talking to me doesn’t keep us from fighting; it makes you hold onto stuff, and then it explodes. And it’s the same for me. Imagine if I just said, ‘Ugh, those knitting needles are driving me nuts,’ on the first day you started knitting?”

Fluttershy smiled. “I would’ve stopped knitting when you were around.”

Rainbow grabbed her and kissed her again. “We just gotta talk more. I know you have it in you; I see it all the time when you’re with the animals. It’s why I started thinking of us again, even if I didn’t know it. I know I’m sorta thick sometimes, you just need to make sure I’m listening, and I’ll try to really listen. I promise I’ll try. And I’ll stop trying to protect you from me all the time, because when I do, it always explodes, and I hurt you anyway.”

Fluttershy nodded and pressed into Rainbow’s neck. “I’ll try, Rainbow. I hate fighting all the time.”

“So talk to me instead. We can make this work.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too, Fluttershy.” She hugged her girlfriend close, feeling that hummingbird heartbeat thrum against her chest. “I promise you that I’ll listen.”

Fluttershy nodded against her neck and they sat together in the kitchen, listening to each other breathe. It was a long time before they moved, lost in the embrace, wrapped in each other’s hooves and wings, like tree limbs entwined, stretching up to reach the sunlight.

Author's Note

This story was written for the FlutterDash Group Contest: Conflict, and won first place in the judges panel. It checks off another pairing for one of my run-throughs of the Variety is the Spice of Life Challenge.

I had fun writing this, and I'll be writing FlutterDash at least once more on my crazy double run-through of the challenge.

Hope you enjoyed, and as always, thanks for reading.