Buzzkill

by Lion

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy
Length: 21362

When Rarity finds out that her friends consider her the 'unfun' one, she sets out to prove everypony wrong.

When Rarity finds out that her friends consider her to be the 'unfun' one, she will not stand for it. She resolves to show everypony just how fun she can be, whether they like it or not.

Spoiler Alert: They don't.

With Brainstorming, PreReading and Editing help from SleepIsforTheWeak, Midnight herald, and SpeedOfLight.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-02 08:10:53 UTC

"Hey Lion, Are You Gonna Take The Chapter Titles Seriously This Time?" "Nope. :|"

“And then I said, ‘I told you to go get a FARRIER, not to go marry her!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed as she jumped up on the table, scattering the remaining Ponopoly pieces that had yet to be cleaned up onto the plush carpeted floor of her room. Hardly a pony noticed, however, as they were all too busy rolling about and holding their sides in laughter.

Except for Rarity, of course, who did not do things as base as rolling on the floor; not that she held it against her friends if they chose to partake in such an activity, she simply held herself to a different standard. She instead expressed her amusement at Pinkie’s story with a polite chuckle and a demure sip of her tea. “Wonderful story, darling,” she said as she placed her now empty cup back on its saucer.

“Best. Story. EVER,” came Rainbow Dash’s scratchy voice from across the room between hearty guffaws and gasps for air.

“Unfortunately,” Rarity began as she got up from her seat, “it is getting quite late, and I fear I simply must be going now. I have ever so much to do tomorrow, you understand.”

“Aww, are you sure Rarity? There’s still some cake left!” Pinkie pointed out as she jumped down from the table and sprinted across the room, returning with a slice of cake on a plate which she proffered to Rarity. “It’s suuuuuper scrumptious!”

Rarity raised a hoof as she leaned her head back. “It absolutely is, darling, but I’ve had three already tonight, and a lady must watch her figure.”

Pinkie sighed and put the cake down on the table. “Okie dokie… Thank you for coming, Rarity. It was good to see you,” she said as she spread her forelegs wide, wrapping Rarity in a hug.

Rarity heard her other friends echoing similar sentiments from around the room, and she gave Pinkie a quick pat on the back before breaking the hug and moving toward the door. “Be sure to let me know next time you do something like this, yes?”

“Absolutely!” Pinkie beamed, again echoed by the others.

“Have a good night then,” Rarity smiled and made her way out the door.

I really do have the best friends a girl could ask for, Rarity thought as she descended Sugar Cube Corner’s stairs and pushed past the front door. The crisp night air greeted her, and she was happy to see a bright full moon shining down, accompanied by a bevy of stars artistically placed throughout the sky. Tonight really couldn’t have been more perfect.

The walk back to Carousel Boutique took only a few minutes, and Rarity yawned as she used her magic to open her saddlebag and retrieve her keys. However, instead of feeling the cotton of the saddlebag, she found her telekinesis grasping nothing but air. Turning her head to look down at her side, she groaned. “I left them at Sugarcube Corner… Of course.”

Rarity wasted no time in getting back to the building she had just left. Thankfully, it was still a nice night out, so she took the opportunity to do some more admiring of Luna’s handiwork until she found herself once again at the front door to Sugarcube Corner. The door was still unlocked, so she pushed it open and headed up the stairs.

From inside Pinkie’s room, she could hear her friends laughing and carrying on, which was to be expected, of course. Still, it paid to be polite, so she gave the door a few firm knocks and called out “Excuse me, girls.”

Suddenly all the laughter in the room died, replaced by a few sharp whispers and the sound of glass clinking against itself. Rarity raised an eyebrow subconciously. That was curious, certainly. Pushing the door open, she began, “I seem to have forgotten my…” but she stopped short of finishing her sentence.

Rarity must have just missed a flurry of movement, because five ponies were now staring at her with smiles much too wide. “Welcome back, Rarity! What’s up?” Came Pinkie’s voice from the center table.

Rarity cleared her throat. Something was definitely up here, but she had no idea what it could be. “I realized I forgot my saddlebags… So I came back to retrieve them. What’s going on here?”

“Oh, uh, we were just, uh…” Twilight stammered from over by the snack table. Rarity glanced in her direction and saw something reflecting light down by the table leg, but Twilight followed her eyes and kicked whatever it was further under the table, producing another round of suspicious clinking.

“We were just starting another game of Ponopoly! Did you want to join us? We can still deal you in!” Pinkie smiled.

“You’re starting another game? At 10 at night? You’ll be up half the night.” Rarity felt a strong pang of doubt, and for good reason; Ponopoly was a long game.

“That’s right, sugarcube,” Applejack cut in, wearing the fakest smile Rarity had ever seen. “See, Rainbow was all bent out of shape about losin’ to me in the last game-”

“I was not!” Rainbow interjected, only to be nudged in the side by Fluttershy, with whom she shared a look before turning back to Rarity and blushing, speaking through clenched teeth. “I mean, yeah, I totally was. ‘Cos I hate losing and all.”

“So’s we thought we’d go again, like a grudge match. Ain’t that right, girls?”

“You don’t mind, do you Rarity? If we’d known you were coming back, we would’ve waited for you to start…” Fluttershy mumbled, looking like a foal caught with her hoof in the cookie jar.

Rarity rolled her tongue against her lower lip, narrowing her gaze at her friends. She glanced over at the game board and frowned. “How’d somepony already get hotels?”

“Those are mine!” Shouted Rainbow, strutting over to the table and leaning against it nonchalantly. “Yep, I’m winning so badly this time, I already got almost all of Applejack’s money. Right, cowgirl?” She said, sneering at her.

Applejack rolled her eyes. “Yeah, sure. I’m losin’, with gusto.”

“... They’re on the jail,” Rarity said flatly. A brief look of panic crossed over the other ponies’ faces before Twilight stepped up.

“Variant rules. I read about them earlier, and we decided to try them,” She said, wearing a smile that was almost as bad as Applejack’s.

Now, Rarity was many things; A designer, a fashionista, a socialite, a sister, and a friend, for example. If she was going to brag, (Not that a lady ever bragged, just if she was going to) she might even say she was a national hero, the very embodiment of the Element of Generosity. She was not, however, a fool. She was not convinced in the slightest by her friends’ charades, but as she weighed the situation at hoof, she concluded two things; The first, that her friends were definitely hiding something, and the second, that she was much too tired to deal with this at the moment. It bore repeating; Ponopoly was a very long game.

“Well then, I suppose I’ll just take my saddlebags and be on my way. Have fun with your game.” Rarity nodded politely as she levitated her bags onto her back and turned to the door.

“Okay. Good night, Rarity,” Pinkie called, followed by each of their friends offering their own farewell.

As Rarity closed the door, the remaining five ponies shared a long gaze and let out a collective sigh of relief.

Walking home for the second time that evening, Rarity found her mind considerably less refreshed by the night air this time around. She felt… Well… Not annoyed per se, but… Puzzled, perhaps? No, a more aggressive form of puzzled. A form of puzzled that implied much ickier conotations. Perhaps Celestia’s Equestrian didn’t have a word for it; The Prench almost certainly did, but Rarity would be astounded if she could think of it at the moment.

Actually, astounded wasn’t bad – better than puzzled anyway – but it still didn’t tell the full story. Perhaps astounded and confounded; If nothing else, at least the internal rhyme pleased her refined sense of literary aesthetics.

Rarity had finally managed to decide that she was feeling astounded and confounded as she arrived back at the door to Carousel Boutique. With keys properly in her possession this time, she opened the door and walked inside with another yawn. It really was getting late, but she didn’t want to go to bed quite yet. Perhaps she could use some tea while she pondered this. Tea always did the trick, did it not?

As Rarity hung her saddlebags on the hook by the door in the kitchen she heard a distinct purring sound from behind her. She smiled as she turned to see Opal sitting underneath the chair closest to her, staring up at her with a blank look. She walked over to the table and bent down, running a hoof over the cat’s fur. “Good evening, Opal, Mommy is terribly sorry she’s so late.”

”Purr,” Opal replied.

“Yes, yes, I know, you expect your bedtime snack to be at 10 PM sharp and it is now it is an entirely unacceptable 10:23. But fear not, Mommy shall rectifiy this.” Rarity stepped over to her cabinet and pulled out a food dish, scooping some kibble into it with her magic. Placing it on the floor in front of Opal, she sat down and watched the cat quickly eat.

”Purr,” the cat said.

Rarity tapped the ground with a hoof. “Opal, Mommy has a problem.”

”Purr?” came the cat’s reply, though Rarity found she had to add the upwards inflection in her mind, since Opal forgot to.

“Yes. I believe my friends are hiding something from me.”

”Purr,” Opal mispronounced her gasp, but Rarity was willing to let that slide.

“You see, I forgot my keys at the party, and when I went back to retrieve them, they were acting quite suspiciously… I just can’t imagine what they would feel the need to hide from me, or why they would feel such a need in the first place.”

”Purr.”

Rarity got up and put a tea kettle on the heat. She tapped her chin as she looked through her cupboard for a tea she wanted to drink. “I don’t know, Opal, maybe I’m overreacting. If they have something they do when I’m not around, is that such a big deal? After all, I spend time with Fluttershy at the spa, and no one gets bent out of shape that they’re not included.”

“Mao.” Rarity turned, shocked at Opal’s tone.

“Opal, that’s ridiculous,” she admonished as she saw Opal’s empty bowl and the cat sauntering away towards the stairs. Rarity frowned. “My friends would never purposefully exclude me from something. They love me!”

”Mao,” Opal said from the bottom step before hopping up the rest.

“... No. They wouldn’t…” Rarity sighed, feeling completely defeated and exhausted. She glanced at the small mirror sitting on the window sill above her sink. Grasping it in her magic and lifting it to eye level, she met her own gaze.

“Would they?”

There were a number of things about life in Ponyville that were quite predictable. Some might even say the town ran like clockwork; The weather was perennially as close to perfect as equinely possible. The harvests of the local farms always came and went at the same time of every season. The library opened and closed at the same time every day, ever since a certain lavender unicorn took over its daily operations. Even the disasters that continuously plagued the town ever since that same unicorn’s arrival seemed to follow a very distinct, regular schedule; If a month went by without half the village collapsing, the residents knew they were due for something big, and the local architecture firm counted on it.

Rarity, however, knew of one more thing that ran on schedule that the rest of the town might not have suspected. This thing happened to be something that nopony would ever guess; That thing was Pinkie Pie.

As random and crazy as that mare seemed to be to the casual observer, it was easy to dismiss anything she did as just ‘Being Pinkie Pie.’ However, she did fall into one pattern Rarity could rely upon. A single method to her vast madness, as it were.

Every weekend, stretching as far back as Rarity could remember, Pinkie Pie threw a party.

It didn’t matter if it was to celebrate the arrival of summer, the departure of winter, the perennial favorite ‘Hooray it’s Friday’, or simply a ‘The Sun Rose Again And That’s Great Because Nopony Wants It To Be Night Forever, P.S. Sorry Luna We Still Like The Night Just Not Enough To Not Need The Day Too’ party; Pinkie Pie always had a party to throw.

Thus, when she showed up at  Carousel Boutique early Thursday morning, Rarity was ready.

“Hi Rarity! Did you know it’s been 37 weeks since the last time we had a ‘Gravity Appreciation Day’? I did, and I think it’s time we had another one, in case Gravity starts to think we’re not appreciating it and gives up and then we all float away into space! Soooooo, I’m gonna rent out the bowling alley tomorrow night from 8-11, since bowling is only possible thanks to gravity, and we can all play and there’ll be punch and sundaes and sarsaparilla and fudge and cake and it’ll be super fun!”

Like clockwork, Rarity smiled to herself. “That sounds delightful, darling–” Rarity began, but then a thought struck her.

Her friends were hiding something.

Rarity frowned inwardly. This still seemed ridiculous, but as Opal had so tactfully pointed out last night, the evidence was pretty convincing. Nopony in their right mind started a game of Ponopoly at 10 in the evening. Even allowing for Pinkie, that made four ponies who had no business doing what they claimed they’d be doing, almost certainly doing something else. But what?

Rarity was not proud of how much this small act of deception was getting to her, but it kept coming back to the same point in her mind. If her friends were hiding something from her, she had a right to know what it was. And if Rarity had a right to know something, she would.

“–That sounds delightful, darling, but I’m afraid I must decline,” Rarity resumed, feigning disappointment as best she could, “You see, I have a very large order due on Monday, and I need to spend all weekend working on it if I hope to have it delivered in time. You understand, yes?”

Pinkie Pie’s smile dropped momentarily, but picked back up immediately. “What if I helped you until the party? I have the next two days off from Sugarcube Corner, I bet we could get a lot done!”

Even if Rarity hadn’t been lying about the order, it only took her remembering the previous time Pinkie Pie had “helped” her with her work to know that was a terrible idea. How Pinkie Pie managed to start that many fires with nothing but a needle and thread was a mystery she feared she would never solve.

So much fire.

“No, I’m sorry dear, but I fear this order is very delicate, and requires my handiwork alone. I shall have to join you at your next party.” Rarity shook her head. She didn’t like lying to her friend, but if her friends were lying to her, she supposed turnabout was fair play. Even if she was misapplying the idiom.

“Okie dokie lokie…” Pinkie Pie sat dejectedly on her haunches. Her disappointment had an extremely short half-life, Rarity had come to learn, and was proven right again when the pink mare shot back up to her feet with a smile as wide as ever. “We’ll save you some cake, and hey, maybe when your order is done, we can throw a party to celebrate that! And we can have more cake, and streamers, and–”

“Yes, that sounds lovely, Pinkie,” Rarity said as she slowly pushed Pinkie’s body out the door.

“–balloons and games and music and–”

Rarity closed the door. For a moment she wondered if letting Pinkie Pie throw a fraudulent party wouldn’t be against some sort of ‘Party Code’ the mare held, but immediately dismissed the notion. Pinkie was about to host a party to celebrate gravity, for pony’s sake, and that wasn’t even touching the literal 'Party for No Reason' she’d held last month.

Besides, Rarity had more important things to worry about. She had 36 hours until this alleged ‘Gravity Appreciation Day’; If she was going to find out what her friends did when she wasn’t around, she had some planning to do.

First, though, she was going to need to design the most fabulous stealth suit Equestria had ever seen.

So This Has Been Received Much Better Than I Would Have Expected.

Rarity took a step back to admire her handiwork and grinned. If she had to say it herself, which she apparently did given the complete lack of ponies awake at four in the morning to say it for her, this was the single most beautiful garment ever designed with the intent that nopony notice its wearer. The sleek contours and adorable ear flaps were marvels to behold unto themselves, and that wasn’t even mentioning how gorgeously the black fabric absorbed all the light in the room; Normally this fabric would be used in the sort of slinky black dress that drew the eye directly to a pony’s most… How to say, flattering features? However, when there was absolutely nothing left to draw the eye to, it produced quite the opposite effect. Truly, it was a work of art. Was it going too far to call it her masterpiece?

Maybe, but it was four in the morning, so Rarity found she no longer cared.

Rarity giggled deliriously. She had a stealth suit. She had a plan. She had a selection of different ‘Gotcha!’ speeches prepared. She even had a bottle of champagne set on the kitchen table ready to celebrate her inevitable victory. Subterfuge may have been a bit underhanded, but this whole thing was positively invigorating. Or maybe that was the sleep deprivation running amok with her inhibitions…

Either way, Rarity mused, I’m ready to move on to the next phase of my plan.

Which was… Wait until 7:30 P.M. and trail Pinkie Pie?

... Ponyfeathers, Rarity allowed herself to think inside her head where nopony could hear a lady curse. And I was so excited about this.

Rarity briefly entertained the notion of simply staying up all night, but she quickly dismissed it. Even when they had no intention of being seen, a lady still needed – no, deserved – her beauty sleep. Disappointed with time’s stubborn refusal to change its pace, she found herself crawling into bed, donning her sleep mask and closing her eyes.

The following morning was a blur of drowsiness and anticipation. Somewhere around her fourth cup of coffee – two creams, two sugars – Rarity noticed her hoof unconsciously shaking and decided it would be best to switch to tea. Somewhere around her fifth cup of tea – two sugars, one spoonful of honey – she noticed her jaw shaking and thought maybe she should cut out the honey and sugar. Somewhere around her first sip of honeyless, sugarless tea she noticed the liquid shooting out of her mouth at escape velocity and thought it might be a good idea if she switched to water.

“Fascinating…” Rarity mumbled to no one as she turned to page D3 in the Ponyville Times.

"Purr?” Opal inquired from over by the water bowl.

Rarity lowered the paper as she glanced over to her companion. “Oh, Opal, you won’t believe this. Apparently, Lotus and Aloe – you know, the ponies from down at the spa – have begun dating the Rose brothers, Prim and Summer, who run a similar establishment up in Canterlot. I could have sworn they were both gay.”

"Mao,” Opal said as she skulked away from her bowl and out of the room.

Rarity frowned. “I guess you believe it,” she said as she raised the paper back up and continued reading.

Cleanliness was next to Celestialiness, as they said, though Rarity had to admit she wondered where ‘they’ got ‘Celestialiness’ from. Still, having dirty dishes in the sink would not do, even if it was simply a coffee mug and a tea cup.

As Rarity levitated the coffee mug, she squirted some soap onto a sponge and began to wash out the tiny amount of coffee left in the bottom before it had the chance to stain. When she finished rinsing it and placed it on the drying rack she moved on to the tea cup.

This tea cup had been a gift from Fancy Pants, as Rarity often liked to recall. From its delicate curvature to its elegant cream color with gold trimming, it was the utmost representation of class.

Rarity dropped the cup and let out a falsetto “Ideeeaaaa!” as inspiration struck.

Rarity smiled as she placed the last bolt of fabric neatly in its drawer. Perfect, now when I’m going to need to restock something soon, I’ll know how much I have left simply by seeing where it’s located. Organizing by yardage was unconventional, sure, but it was brilliant. If she needed red silk for accents on a Nightmare Night costume, for example, and wasn’t sure how much silk she had left, she could just go to… where the silk was… and…

Rarity scratched her chin. Where had the silk wound up?

Perhaps it would be better to do it by fabric type…

‘Hey Rarity!

Mom and Dad said I should write you a letter since I missed you, so I’m doing that right now! I can’t wait to tell you all about the things Ms. Cheerliee’s been teaching us in class this week. Scootaloo said she got an idea for how we can get our cutie marks this weekend, but she won’t tell me or Apple Bloom what it is until it’s time to do it, so I can’t tell you what it is either, but I’m really excited about it and will be sure to let you know how it turns out!

Love you sis,

Sweetie Belle'

Rarity eyed the letter warily. “I suppose I should write a response, shouldn’t I, Opal?”

”Mao,” Opal replied.

With the last bolt of fabric once again put away, Rarity let out a sigh of relief. This was good. Maybe yardage hadn’t been the best method by which to organize her fabrics, but texture? That was brilliant. Say she wanted to make something for Applejack. Applejack liked denim, and now all her denims were in one place! She simply had to go to the denim section, pick out one she liked, head over to the cotton to pick out an accent color… Unless maybe she had a toile that would work better… Or a... nylon…

Rarity frowned. This isn’t better.

A little to the left, Rarity thought to herself as she made the adjustment. No, that’s too far left…

She could do this. Sure, it took precision, but she had that; She had precision in spades!

A little more to the right… She could feel the sweat beading on her brow, but she was so close… Just a little more, and-

”Mao.” Rarity shrieked at the sudden noise, falling backwards and losing her telekinetic grip on her charge.

It’s over. It’s all over, she sadly mused as time slowed during her fall. Tell my Sister… not to play with my things.

Rarity finished sketching the dress and grinned. It was magnificent. She’d perfectly translated the curvature of the tea cup into a billowing skirt, and once she selected the perfect cream colored silk and got the correct golden dye with which to add the embellishments, it would be the most beautiful garment ever created.

Fun fact, Rarity noted to herself as she lifted her hoof from the cloth on the table, hoof paints are no replacement for proper dyes.

It looked like a trip to the crafts store was in order.

Rarity hit the ground. Slowly picking herself back up, she wasn’t sure if she should look, but knew she had to anyway. Nothing good would come from avoiding it, after all.

Carefully opening one eye, she looked at the plate. One pancake and two eggs balanced perfectly on top and…

The garnish had fallen squarely in between them.

... It’s beautiful, Rarity nearly wept at the sight.

’Dearest Sweetie Belle

Thank you for your letter’

“Thank you for your letter? That sounds sincere...” Rarity frowned.

'Thank you for your letter

I was quite happy to receive your letter!’

“Eh… Better, but I don’t want to sound like I’m being too loud…”

'Thank you for your letter

I was quite happy to receive your letter!

I was quite happy to receive your letter.’

“Good… Good. That’s good.”

Organizing by texture was stupid, that’s what it was. Sure, she had all the toile in one place, but if she wanted to compare red toile with red cotton, now she had to walk five paces, pick up the toile, walk six paces, pick up the cotton, walk another twelve paces to the cutting table, and then walk twelve to eighteen paces back to return the rejected fabric. Such inefficiency was entirely unacceptable.

Perhaps if I organized by color…

’DEAREST SISTER Sweetie Belle,

HELLO. Be sure to say hello to Mom and Dad for me, and let them know that I miss them with all the intensity of one thousand burning suns.

It pleased me greatly to receive your letter! I can’t wait to hear all about your latest adventures, and your cutie mark shall without a doubt find you through the swirling cosmos sooner than you might think.

With Love,

Best Wishes,

In Good Health And Of Solid Mind,

Rarity

P.S. Don't play with my things.’

“... It’s perfect.”

Without a doubt in her mind, bookkeeping was Rarity’s least favorite part of running a business.

… That’s all. She was bored, but she wasn’t that bored.

Rarity eyed the clock angrily, willing the hour hand to click from 12 to 1; When this failed, she switched to willing the minute hand from 09 to 10. When that also failed to produce immediate results, she settled for willing the second hand to change from 32 to 33. 34. 35.

Rarity smiled. She’d done it; she’d mastered time itself.

”Mao.”

“Just a moment, dear, Mommy is about to bring about 1’o’clock utilizing nothing but the power of her mind.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you. I’ll just go home now,” came a voice that was distinctly not Opal. Rarity turned away from the clock and saw Fluttershy cringing in the doorway to the kitchen.

“Oh, dear, I’m sorry Fluttershy! I didn’t hear you come in,” Rarity laughed as she got up from her seat at the table and walked over to her friend, offering a welcoming hug. “What brings you by my humble abode?”

Fluttershy returned her hug with a tentative smile. “I heard you were super busy today, and I wasn’t doing anything, so I thought I’d come offer to help. If that’s okay with you. Since I know how to sew,” Fluttershy squeaked as Rarity pulled away from the hug at its conclusion.

“Busy? I’m not busy,” Rarity said. “I’ve been doing absolutely nothing at all all morning.”

“Oh, so you finished that order?” Fluttershy asked with a bright smile peaking out from behind her pink mane.

“What order, darling?” Rarity asked.

“The one that you had to miss Gravity Appreciation Day for. But this is great news if it means you can come now. You know, if you feel up to it. It’s not a big deal if not, but we’d all like to see you, and I know Gravity is important to you, I think, I hope I’m not assuming too much, and it’s alright if it’s not that important to you, but…” Fluttershy continued uttering apologies, but Rarity stopped listening as she realized what Fluttershy was talking about.

“Oh right, that order, yes, what I meant to say was, ah, I’ve been doing absolutely nothing but working all morning, and I fear I am still very much occupied with it, I doubt I’ll be free before next Tuesday, hah hah hah,” Rarity covered, cursing her forgetfulness. She should have realized Pinkie would tell the others why she wasn’t coming.

“Oh. So I can help you then? If you don’t mind, I mean. I know you didn’t want Pinkie to help, but I thought maybe I could since I know how to sew and all. But if you don’t want me to help, that’s okay too, because I can go…” Again Rarity stopped paying attention.

“Oh dear, I would love your help, you know I would, but the pattern is so complicated that I can’t afford the time to show you how to use it properly and still have time to finish it… Heh heh…”

“Really? But when I came in you were just sitting at your table. And what was that about the power of your mind? If you don’t mind me asking. You don’t have to answer.” Fluttershy pawed the ground anxiously.

If genetics hadn’t already done the job, all the color would have drained from Rarity’s face. “Oh, uh, well, you see, the thing is-” She stammered as she tried to come up with a lie, but Fluttershy interrupted her.

“Oh no, did I sound accusatory there? I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to accuse you of anything. I know you’re busy a lot, and I shouldn’t force my help on you if you don’t want it... I’ll just go home and think about what I’ve done… Mean, naughty Fluttershy, accusing ponies of lying for no good reason… You’ve got to have more faith in your friends, Fluttershy…” Rarity heard her front door close as Fluttershy departed.

“Well, that was a freebie.” She would have interrupted at some point, but letting Fluttershy talk herself out of suspicion turned out to be easier.

Rarity let out a sigh of relief. At least that was out of the way. Perhaps, though, she should go at least pretend to be busy with an order in case another one of her friends came along.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFKDwnyRU-Q

Rarity grinned madly. It may have taken all day to get here, but she’d made it; 7:30. Time to enact phase two of her plan. Time to go tail Pinkie Pie.

This was it; The moment of truth. Well, not the moment of truth, but it was the moment leading up to the moment of truth.

Okay, so it was a moment leading up to the moment of truth, but that was all semantics anyway.

Rarity was ready. Having donned her beautiful black stealth suit, put out food and water bowls for Opal, turned out all the lights in the boutique and locked all the doors, she silently stealthily slipped out into the cover of night.

It was almost as beautiful a night as Wednesday had been, but Rarity barely paid it any mind as she crept up on Sugarcube Corner. Any moment her quarry would be stepping out into the open air, away from the protection of her fortress of baked goods and into… Not danger, per se – certainly Rarity intended her no harm – into her trap, then. She would step out into the night, lead Rarity to the location of her secret betrayal, and Rarity would expose her friends for the lying... 'Jerks' was probably too strong a word, but it would have to do. The lying jerks they were. Oh yes, it was going to be grand. Not that Rarity bore them any ill will; She simply wanted to satisfaction of triumph; for her friends to know that hiding something from Rarity was not only unethical, but entirely unthinkable.

And, of course, she wanted their opinions on the stealth suit. If she played her cards right, she could see it becoming a hot seller for her.

Granted, if it turned out they really were just bowling, Rarity could always come up with some excuse for why she was suddenly free, and they would all buy it if it meant getting to bask in her glorious presence for the evening. Yes, Rarity had perfectly concocted a win-win situation for herself, and nothing was going to ruin her mood now.

She’d barely made it to the bushes outside Sugarcube Corner when she saw her hapless pink friend emerge from the door. She didn’t go in the bushes, mind you, as that was a level of debauchery she was unwilling to submit herself to; Simply hiding behind them was good enough, after all, given her amazing stealth suit.

It took but a moment for Pinkie to finish taking a large breath of fresh air and begin hopping along in her signature fashion. Carefully avoiding the pools of light cast by the street lamps, Rarity tip-toed a good 20 paces behind her. She started out by heading North on Candy Cane Lane. Then she went West on Caramel Apple Drive, followed by South on Hillock Street. Rarity was confused when she turned East onto Earth Pony Way and crossed over Candy Cane Lane again, but she dismissed it as being Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie.

Wait.

No, it wasn’t Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie. Was her cover blown? How could Pinkie Pie possibly know she was being followed?

But that was impossible. Simply impossible. It was just her nerves getting to her, that had to be all. There was probably a downed tree branch or sinkhole or flaming manticore on a quest to revive King Sombra between Earth Pony Way and Sugarcube Corner, and Pinkie had simply taken a detour to avoid it. She had her Pinkie Sense, that was believable.

Unless her Pinkie Sense told her she was being followed. Rarity stopped in her tracks as she suppressed a gasp.

Pinkie Pie hopped along.

No, that was stupid. All this worrying was stupid. Maybe if the infernal butterflies in her stomach would SHUT UP for a second and let her think, she could calm down enough to carry out this mission properly, but since that didn’t seem likely, she decided to drown them out by humming a theme song for herself. Quietly, of course.

Doo doo da doo do doo doo.

Of course, three more jaunts north and south followed by two more crossings of Candy Cane Lane were enough to convince Rarity that either Pinkie Pie didn’t know where she was going herself, or there was in fact no bowling alley at all.

Perhaps I should go tail Twilight instead…

Doo doo da doo do doo doo!

The library was easy to find even in the middle of the night. The tree it was built in stood a good half a house taller than all the buildings that surrounded it, and its location in the middle of a large open space made it visible from half the town away. Not that Rarity needed any help finding it, as she’d been there plenty of times before and knew the way like the back of her hoof. Just, if she had gotten lost while attempting to follow Pinkie, it was useful to be able to see it.

Rarity crept up on the library and waited. She wasn’t sure how much time she’d wasted following Pinkie Pie, but the clock tower hadn’t struck 8 yet, so she felt safe in the knowledge that Twilight wouldn’t have left the library yet. She always closed up at 8 on a Friday, and when Pinkie was hosting a party that began at 8, she would typically teleport to her destination as soon as she…

Shoot. Rarity brought a hoof to her forehead as she heard the clock tower strike the hour. Right on cue Twilight emerged from the library and brought a well of purple magic energy to her horn before disappearing in a flash.

Rarity groaned. How was she supposed to know where this bowling alley was when nopony was willing to unwittingly lead her there!? The only thing she knew about bowling was from that one time Spike had told her about how he’d gotten a ‘Turkey’; while Rarity had no idea what poultry had to do with rolling a heavy ball down a wooden ramp into some white pins, he had made it sound like something that was supposed to be impressive. Apparently he was good at it, she supposed.

Wait a second, Rarity thought, recalling what she’d just seen. Spike wasn’t with her… Why wouldn’t he go along if he’s so good at it? Rarity quickly glanced around and saw nopony looking, so she stepped up to the door and knocked.

“Library’s closed, come back tomorrow,” came Spike’s voice from the other side of the door.

Rarity cleared her throat. “It’s me, Spikey-Wikey! Can I come inside?”

Rarity had to suppress a giggle as she heard the various locks inside the door coming undone. It took but a moment for the door to fly open, and standing there was Spike, smiling brightly. “Hey Rarity! What’s up,” Spike said before suddenly dropping his smile and giggling. “What’s that thing you’re wearing?”

Rarity gave Spike’s head a gentle rub as she moved past him into the library’s main room. “It is a stealth suit, if you must know.”

“But… why are you wearing it?”

“Because I’m on a mission. Now, do you know where Twilight has just gone?”

Spike looked confused for a moment. “Gravity Appreciation Day?”

Rarity shook her head. “Gravity Appreciation Day is a fraud, Spike. A front, even. Those ponies are up to something.”

Spike raised an eyebrow at that. “What do you mean?”

“I mean they’re hiding something from me, and I intend to find out what it is!” Rarity gave a determined stare, stamping one hoof firmly on the ground in front of her. “Pinkie Pie told me they were going bowling, and yet they didn’t invite you?”

Spike raised a claw. “Actually, they did invite me.”

Rarity stopped. That didn’t make any sense. “And you didn’t want to go?”

Spike shook his head. “Not really. It’s pretty late, I usually go to bed pretty soon. Don’t get me wrong, I love Pinkie’s parties, but I like the ones that happen, you know, during the day. Besides, Pinkie almost always comes by the day after and shares the leftovers with me when I don’t come to the parties, so it’s like, why go to the ice cream when I can get the ice cream brought to me?” Spike chuckled and licked his lips.

Rarity tapped her chin. Very interesting. “I… see. I am surprised, you understand, because I expected you would wish to join them, knowing how good you are at the game..”

Spike started blushing as he held his claws behind his back and kicked the floor. “Yeah, but again,” Spike yawned as if to punctuate his point, “I’ve gotta get up early to open the library, and Twilight might be willing to guzzle espressos to be alert in the morning, but I prefer to get my rest. Twilight says it’s my metabolism. You know... ‘cos I’m a dragon.”

Rarity frowned. Were they really just bowling after all? “No… But… There was so much evidence…”

“I dunno Rarity, it kinda sounds like you might be overreacting.” Spike said with a worried look.

“Overreacting? Well If I’m overreacting, it is only because...” Rarity began, but stopped short of voicing her thoughts. This was beginning to sound awful silly, wasn’t it? Here she was, passing up an opportunity to go have fun with her friends, instead spending time sneaking around and spying. How had she even come to this conclusion in the first place? Because Applejack had smiled too widely? Surely there was an innocent explanation for all this. Spike was right. She was just overreacting, that was all.

“... Because I’m being silly. I’m sorry Spike, I think I’ve blown this whole thing way out of proportion.” Rarity sighed. Well, at least it was only a few minutes after 8. She could still go to the party and see her friends and have a wonderful time. She could just say the order was cancelled. That was believable, right?

“It’s okay Rarity,” Spike said, walking over to her. She cupped a hoof around his back and pulled him into a hug, which he returned, blushing all the while.

“Well then… I think I shall go to Gravity Appreciation Day after all. Would you care to join me, Spike, or is the siren call of bed too strong?” Rarity asked, looking down at him.

Spike’s eyes grew wide for a moment. He looked up toward his basket in the loft, then back to Rarity. She could see the internal battle waging in his mind. He giggled a bit before finally nodding. “Sure, I’ll come.”

“Excellent. Then we shall go… How does Pinkie put it? Elevate the ceiling?”

“Raise the roof,” Spike corrected as he laughed.

Rarity and Spike made their way out of the library and toward the bowling alley quickly. Thankfully, Spike knew where it was, which made finding it quite easy. No longer having to confine herself to the shadows to avoid detection, Rarity laughed gaily as Spike told jokes, and happily regaled him with details about the latest fashion trends in Canterlot, including which ones she thought she might try her hoof at and those she felt were guaranteed to die out immediately.

It took but a few minutes to reach their destination, and Rarity was greatly relieved to see Pinkie Pie, Twilight, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy standing outside the alley talking. She couldn’t hear them from her location, but just seeing them all, actually at the bowling alley, meant it was true; Her fears were unfounded. Her friends weren’t lying to her. Rarity smiled down at Spike, who did the same, and then took a step toward them.

It’s just like Fluttershy said, Rarity mused. I’ve got to have more faith in my…

Rarity stopped as she saw her friends suddenly begin trotting away from the bowling alley, further down the street. She exchanged a puzzled look with Spike, who shrugged.

They didn’t go far, however, as Rarity immediately found out. Only a few doors down she saw the five mares stop abruptly and head inside a small, dimly lit building. Rarity trotted out front of it and looked up at the sign.

“No… no no no. They wouldn’t…”

Spike caught up to her a few seconds later, panting heavily. “What… what is this place?” He asked, placing his claws on his knees as he caught his breath.

“Spike… Our friends have just gone into…”

“A dive bar.”

Doo doo da doo do doo doo.

Hey, Look, We Finally Made It To What Was Supposed To Be The End Of Chapter One!

Rarity had nothing against bars, or alcohol in general for that matter. She enjoyed a nice glass of wine as much as the next pony, or perhaps more than the next pony, as Ponyville seemed typically devoid of the types of ponies who enjoyed wine over, say, beer or whiskey. But even that wasn’t really a problem for her; Sure, she didn’t care much for lager or bourbon, but if another pony enjoyed such things and wanted to indulge in them, that wasn’t really any business of hers.

She had her own habits that she indulged fairly regularly, after all, like the many trips to the spa she took even without Fluttershy, or the small black cigarette case and holder she kept hidden away in the top drawer of her dresser, from which she very occasionally took a celebratory cigarette when finishing a particularly trying order. Rarity was allowed to have her vices, so it was only fair that she allowed other ponies to have theirs.

Right now, however, Rarity couldn’t believe her eyes. She’d just witnessed her friends enter Salty Dog’s Backwater Saloon; Or, as she knew it, that bar where all the ponies who are named something distinctly other than Rarity go. She’d been to bars with her friends before, but they always went to places that had interesting selections and hygienic business practices, like La Verte or The Top Shelf; Upscale bars where the very idea of a porch covered in vomit was unheard of.

And yet, right now, she was standing in front of just that. She could barely bring herself to approach the door; She wasn’t even sure she wanted to any more. She’d gone 22 wonderful years without setting foot inside this place, and sullying such a record seemed awfully uncouth.

“So what now, Rarity?” Spike asked from beside her. Rarity cringed. What was she supposed to do?

She had finally convinced herself that her friends weren’t lying to her, and now… This. Whatever this was, she could feel it building a great deal of nausea in her stomach.

“We have to go in there, Spike. We have to see what’s happening.” Rarity wasn’t even sure she was the one who said it, but since it wasn’t Spike, and nopony else was around, she had to conclude it had been her after all.

“Umm, I can’t go in there,” Spike said, raising a claw. Rarity turned to look at him.

“I’m not particularly thrilled with the idea either, Spike, but if I can do it, you certainly can too,” Rarity said, surprised with how resolved she sounded.

“No, I mean I literally can’t go in there. I’m underage, remember?”

Rarity groaned and brought a hoof to her forehead. “Right, right. Okay, then…” She thought quickly as she formulated a plan. “You stay out here and watch the exits. If one of them leaves, call for me as loud as you can. Otherwise, just… wait for me here. I’ll be back out shortly.”

Spike nodded. “Okay, Rarity. Good luck.”

Rarity swallowed hard as she turned back toward the door. “... Thank you, Spike,” she said as she stepped up and pushed it open.

The inside of Salty Dog’s Backwater Saloon was everything Rarity had ever feared it would be; A small, cramped wooden establishment with a host of unsavory looking types lining the bar, a few small wooden tables with rickety chairs, an unending fog of cigar and cigarette smoke, and a sticky layer of spilled liquor coating every inch of the floor on which she stepped. The wood on the door frames wasn’t even painted. How such an establishment could be allowed to exist was something Rarity could barely even contemplate, much less comprehend. She had to push through, though; She had to find her friends and find out what was going on.

As she did not see the five mares anywhere in the bar’s main room, if it could even be called that, she headed off to the only doorway she saw that didn’t lead to a bathroom (which, she noticed as she recoiled in disgust, lacked doors, instead opting for an open view of the stalls from the doorway.). As she peeked around the corner, she saw a few more tables set up. Around one of these tables stood five ponies she knew very well, each clutching a small shot glass, and a bottle of amber-colored liquor sitting in the center.

Rarity stopped her advance, choosing to instead watch and listen from the doorway. It wasn’t too noisy here, so she found she could pick out individual voices if she tried hard enough.

“Here’s to Gravity!” Cheered Pinkie Pie, raising her glass. The others joined her with a few ‘here here’s and ‘amen to that’s, and the five ponies tipped back their glasses, following that with coughing fits of various degrees of intensity.

“Mmm, that’s the stuff.” Applejack said as she placed her glass back down and wiped her lips with a hoof. The others ceased coughing as she poured out another round of shots.

“Oh my, that’s… strong,” Rarity heard Fluttershy squeak, and she could still barely believe her eyes. Even Fluttershy, her spa partner, was tolerating this level of squalor?

“That’s an interesting get-up you’ve got on there, sugar.” Rarity heard a voice come from behind her and turned her head to look. Standing there was a blue stallion with a white mane that she did not recognize, but rather immediately found herself disliking.

“If that was an attempt to ‘neg’ me, I recommend you reevaluate your strategy and find a new target. I’m busy.” Rarity said, turning her attention back to the five ponies in the other room.

“You’re not even going to let me offer you a drink?” The stallion said in a mockingly sad tone.

Rarity didn’t even bother turning her head again as she replied in a harsh whisper, “No, I am not interested.” With this buffoon wasting her time, she couldn’t even hear what her friends were saying as they raised their glasses again.

“Come on, why don’t you take a load off, join me over here at the bar, and we’ll-”

Rarity didn’t wait for the end of his sentence, because she suddenly felt a hoof touch her rump. She spun around and sent a hoof directly into the stallion’s jaw, causing him to stumble backwards into the bar and slide to the floor. He looked shocked more than anything as he rubbed the forming bruise.

“Do NOT touch me, you filthy cretin!” Rarity shouted, paying no mind to the group of surprised stallions lining the bar. “How you could even dare to put a hoof on me uninvited is… is… absurd! Have you no respect!? Clearly you have no class, being in this pig’s stye, but have you no decency!?”

“Rarity?” She heard her name from the other room.

… Ponyfeathers.

Rarity turned around to see all five of her friends staring at her, having come around the corner during her tirade at the stallion, who it appeared had now fled the scene.

Rarity wasn’t entirely sure what she wanted to say; Where was she supposed to begin, anyway? She’d caught them red handed, but now that she was here, she found her various ‘Gotcha!’ speeches were evading her mind. Unable to come up with something better, she settled for yelling the first thing that came to mind.

“BETRAYAL!”

Thankfully the bar had been practically silent since her altercation with the stallion, so she now had no trouble hearing it when Twilight responded. “Uh… Betrayal?”

“BE-TRAYAL!” Rarity shouted again, pointing a hoof at all five of them. Sure, this lacked the usual grace she put into her words, but at least she could get the point across succinctly.

“What are you talking about?” Twilight asked, glancing at their friends, who wore concerned expressions of varying degrees. "Rarity, we-”

“-BETRAYED ME,” Rarity cut her off. “You five have betrayed me, and I caught you! What have you to say for yourselves?”

Pinkie Pie squirmed. “Rarity? You’re kind of making a scene…” She said, glancing nervously at the bar. Rarity followed her gaze and saw the bartender, an older gray pony, giving them a displeased look.

Rarity turned back to her friends and stamped her hoof. “I don’t care. What is going on here? You told me you would be bowling!”

None of her friends responded immediately, so Rarity chose to continue staring them down while they exchanged glances. Perhaps they had left her out of developing telepathy too? Eventually Twilight spoke up. “We were going to go bowling, but, when you and Spike decided not to come, we… changed our minds?”

Rarity shook her head. “You expect me to believe that? And what were you doing Wednesday night anyway? I swear, if you say you were playing Ponopoly, I’ll…” Rarity trailed off. She wasn’t sure what she’d do, but whatever it was, it’d be bad, like fastening unmatching buttons on their dresses, or bringing store brand salad dressing to their next picnic.

“Alright, we weren’t playin’ Ponopoly,” Applejack sighed. “We were drinkin’, just like tonight.”

“But… Why would you hide that from me?” Rarity sniffled. “I don’t care if you want to engage in these activities, but it hurts that you wouldn’t even tell me.”

Fluttershy crept forward. “We’re sorry, Rarity, we just didn’t want you to be mad…”

“But why would I be mad? I don’t understand why you would think that about me.”

“Not to be mean,” Pinkie said, “But sometimes you can be a smidgen… Judgy. Just a smidgen.”

“Judgy!?” Rarity gasped. “Why… I… Name one time I have judged you!”

Pinkie glanced at her friends, and they all shared an incredulous look.

“Well, there was that one time you told me trampolines don’t belong in bedrooms. You were pretty judgy then.”

Rarity winced. But that was true, wasn’t it? “Okay, fine, then name two times.”

“How about the time when you said the Sisterhooves Social was uncouth?” Applejack suggested, eyebrow raised.

“Alright… Three times, then.”

“How about…”

All in all, her friends were able to come up with 134 times she had been ‘a smidgen judgy’ before Rarity finally realized she should stop challenging them on it. Perhaps she was a tad judgmental; She would keep that in mind in the future and try to reel it in when it wasn’t appropriate. “Fine, so maybe I am ‘judgy’. But it’s only because I care about you all, and I don’t want to see you denied opportunities due to your behavior.”

Twilight nodded solemnly. “And we appreciate that, Rarity, we really do. But sometimes-”

“You’re a buzzkill,” Rainbow said flatly.

Rarity gasped. “I’m a what!?”

“A buzzkill; You kill our buzz. You never want to do anything fun.”

Rarity wasn’t sure how to respond to that. She tried another gasp, but her lungs were still full of air from the previous one, so she quickly exhaled and gasped again. “I am no such thing!”

“Rainbow!” Twilight reprimanded with a serious look, “That’s not nice.”

Rarity could feel water gathering in her eyes. “How can you say I never want to do anything fun, Rainbow? I love having fun as much as the next pony,” She choked out.

“Yeah, but your idea of fun is, like, going to the spa for a hooficure,” Rainbow paused to gag, “or modeling dresses.”

“And what’s wrong with that? Those are very fun activities!” Rarity huffed indignantly.

“See? That right there is the problem! You’re such a buzzkill, you don’t even know what fun is!” Rainbow said, waving a dismissive hoof.

Rarity was about to gasp again, but realized she was getting dizzy from the recent oxygen influx, and chose to shake her head instead. She glanced to the rest of her friends, who wore sheepish expressions. “Do you all feel this way too, then?”

“Well…” Twilight began, her eyes downcast. The four of them began to hem and haw a bit, but none of them refuted the sentiment.

“I see.” Rarity nodded, closing her eyes. “Very well. I shall let you get back to your ‘fun’, then, and not risk ‘killing’ another of your ‘buzzes’, as it were.”

“Rarity, you don’t have to leave. You can join us, if you want,” Fluttershy offered, but Rarity just laughed.

“It is okay, dear Fluttershy, we all know I do not belong in this place. I shall simply take my leave.” Rarity turned toward the door and began to walk out.

“Rarity, wait!” Pinkie called, but it was too late; The door swung idly, signaling her departure.

Back at Carousel Boutique, Rarity fumed. Perhaps it was a bit unkind of her to simply run past Spike as he asked what had happened, but she found herself utterly unable to face his questioning at the moment. No, she could not waste time retreading ground right now.

Her friends may have thought she was a buzzkill; They may have even been right. But not any more!

Those ponies don’t think I can have fun? Well, Rarity chuckled to herself, they are in for a rude awakening.

“I’m going to show them just how fun I can be… Whether they like it or not.”

It's MY Birthday and YOU Get A New Chapter To Read? That's ****ed Up.

It's MY Birthday and YOU Get A New Chapter To Read? That's ****ed Up.

Fluttershy loved Sundays. For one thing, Sunday had ‘Sun’ in its name, so it was off to a good start before one even considered the day itself. Furthermore, Sunday was the most peaceful day of the week. Many shops in town were closed Sundays, so instead of hustling and bustling about town or working all day, the ponies of Ponyville would happily take walks and play games in the park, or bask in the sun by the swimming hole. Even Applejack tended to take it easy on Sundays; Of course, for Applejack, ‘taking it easy’ still meant doing at least a half day’s work, but that was Applejack in a nut shell.

For Fluttershy though, Sunday meant her weekly Spa Date with Rarity, something she wouldn’t miss for the world.

However, today it was met with no small degree of trepidation; She hadn’t seen Rarity since Friday night when she left the bar. She even went over to Carousel Boutique on Saturday to check on her, but was met with a ‘Closed’ sign, and no answer to her knocking. She’d thought about lingering to see if Rarity was simply out and might return soon, but the newly installed sign next to the door which read ‘No Cutie Mark Crusading, No Scooter Riding, No Loitering’ caused her to question whether or not that would be considered loitering long enough that she’d realized she probably was loitering, and should just go home in case a police pony walked by. She didn’t want any trouble, after all.

Therefore it came as a great relief to Fluttershy when she opened the door to the spa and saw Rarity sitting in her usual spot in the lobby, leafing through a magazine. She let out a sigh she hadn’t even realized she was holding when Rarity looked up and waved to her.

“Fluttershy, how lovely it is to see you. I trust you are up for the usual? I dare say my pores feel positively clogged with oil, and it is most unpleasant.”

“Hi Rarity. The usual sounds nice,” Fluttershy replied, sitting down next to her friend.

“Excellent. I am sure Lotus and Aloe will be ready for us in just a minute,” Rarity said as she resumed reading her magazine.

Fluttershy nodded. For a moment, she thought about picking up one of the magazines and looking for an interesting article, but Rarity had said Lotus and Aloe would be ready in ‘just a minute’, and that probably didn’t leave her time to even find an article she wanted to read, much less read it. Of course she could pick up the magazine anyway, but then if she did find an article that she really wanted to read, she’d have to put it down before finishing it, and then she might be plagued with curiosity about what the article would have said for her entire spa treatment; That wouldn’t be good. She could try to read quickly, and finish it before going in for the treatment, but she didn’t want to hold up Rarity’s treatment just because she wanted to read something that could always be read later.

That wouldn’t be fair. Fluttershy frowned.

Maybe she could pick up a magazine and just look at some of the pictures? There was a mane styling book there, she could admire the pretty mares' manes for a few minutes while she waited, and then put it down when it was time to go in. Then there was no risk of an unfinished narrative to haunt her.

Of course, if she did that, Lotus or Aloe might walk in and see her looking at it, and then ask if she wanted to pick out a new mane style, and Fluttershy really didn’t want to have to explain that she was just using the book to pass the time while she waited. It was mean to get ponies’ hopes up about something for no reason.

And what if some other pony walked in right after she picked up the book who did want to pick out a new mane style, but couldn’t because Fluttershy was using it to pass the time? Why, at that point it wasn’t just mean, it was unethical! Then that pony would see her deny wanting a new mane style, and might be upset with her for the inconvenience of having to wait to pick out her own!

Fluttershy shook her head. No, she’d have to find another way to pass the time.

She could try to make small talk with Rarity, but she didn’t want to interrupt. Rarity looked like she was quite interested in whatever it was she was reading, after all. Even if she did decide interrupting her was worth it, what would she say? She could comment on the weather, maybe, but why would Rarity want to talk to Fluttershy about the weather when she had an interesting article about the latest fashions to read?

Fluttershy gasped. What if, by interrupting her, she prevented Rarity from learning about a very important new fashion trend, and then Rarity never found out about it until it was too late, and then Carousel Boutique went out of business due to the missed opportunity!? Fluttershy would have ruined her friend’s entire life just because she wasn’t content waiting through a minute of silence?

Rarity raised her eyebrow as she looked up at Fluttershy. Fluttershy felt her heart stop for a moment. Oh no! I distracted her! Fluttershy tried to steady her breath, but found it quickly increasing in pace well beyond normal.

“Fluttershy, is something wrong, dear?” Rarity asked.

Fluttershy frantically searched her mind for a response. She needed to reassure Rarity nothing was wrong in as few words as possible so that she could go back to reading and not miss anything, but each moment she spent searching for a response would be one moment less Rarity had to find out about the newest fashion. She could say ‘No, Rarity, nothing’s wrong,’ but what if she skipped saying Rarity’s name? That would save three syllables, and Rarity already knew she was the one Fluttershy would be speaking to, so that was certainly economically sound. However, Rarity had used Fluttershy’s name, and it might come across as rude if she didn’t do the same for her friend, as if she didn’t even consider Rarity worth naming. That was the furthest possible thing from what she wanted!

Fluttershy had just finished preparing to say ‘No, Rarity, nothing’s wrong,’ and just chance the extra syllables when she realized another problem; What if Rarity didn’t believe her? What if Rarity thought she was just covering up her problems for the sake of being polite and there actually was something wrong? That would be even worse!

Then Rarity would insist that Fluttershy tell her what was bothering her, and Fluttershy would have no answer to that because what was bothering her was that she was distracting Rarity from her reading, but she couldn’t say that because there was no possible way that Rarity would believe it and they’d get into a long drawn out conversation about what was or wasn’t bothering her and Rarity wouldn’t get to read anything else and she’d miss an important detail in one of the articles and Carousel Boutique would be doomed and Rarity would hold it against Fluttershy for the rest of her life and one day on her tombstone it would read “Here Lies Rarity, who would have been something if not for Fluttershy,” and Fluttershy didn’t think she could handle that kind of guilt and oh gosh what was she supposed to do there had to be a better response but what was it if only she could think a little bit faster she could--

“Ve’re ready for you! Miss Rarity, Miss Flootershy, if you vould please come zis vay,” Aloe spoke from the doorway. Rarity turned to look at Aloe and put down the magazine, getting up out of her chair.

“Oh, they’re ready for us dear! I’m so excited, I’ve been waiting all weekend for this,” Rarity said gleefully.

Fluttershy exhaled. That was a close one, she thought as she got up and approached the door.

“Now zen, ve shall start viss ze sauna,” Aloe said as she approached the large wooden steam chamber.

“Please enjoy yourselves, and let us know if you need anyzing,” Lotus smiled as the two ponies stepped inside.

Fluttershy sighed as Rarity poured some water over the rocks in the center of the room, kicking up a fresh wave of steam. She recalled the time she mistakenly called it a ‘steam bath’, which she thought made sense given the steam, but Rarity had made it very clear to her that a sauna with water and hot rocks with which to create steam was entirely different from a steam bath, which would have an external oven pushing steam into the room instead. Fluttershy had to take her word for it.

“So Fluttershy,  tell me, how was Gravity Appreciation Day?” Rarity asked as she sat back down.

Fluttershy felt her entire body stand alert. Why would Rarity ask about Gravity Appreciation Day? She seemed pretty upset about it before… “Umm… It was nice. But we missed you,” Fluttershy smiled as she tried to relax her muscles again.

“Do not be nervous, dear, I’m just making small talk. I promise, I bear you no ill will on the subject. You girls were certainly right; It would not kill me to loosen up from time to time.” Rarity shook her head.

“Oh… Okay.” Fluttershy felt her face make a puzzled expression. Normally Rarity had a very… dramatic way of reacting to what she felt were slights against her character; It was entirely unlike her to simply brush something aside like this without fighting it kicking and screaming first.

“Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you all had a good time in the end. I felt absolutely dreadful that I might have ruined the celebration for you all with the scene I caused, so I took the liberty of ordering an extra surprise for you today.”

“Umm… Extra surprise?” Fluttershy asked, unsure what that might mean.

“Yes,” Rarity said with a wink, “but I will not tell you what it is. I’m certain you’ll love it.”

“That’s very kind of you, Rarity, but you didn’t have to do that.”

“I know I didn’t have to, I wanted to! Really Fluttershy, it’s the least I could do.”

Fluttershy paused, chewing on her lower lip. Was it possible that Rarity really had just let the whole thing go? It was surprising, certainly, but not impossible. And given how she was acting, it seemed like that was how it was.

“Okay, well, thank you very much. I’m sure I’ll love it. Whatever it is.” Fluttershy smiled back.

Fluttershy’s wings felt amazing. Rarity had paid for her to get the “Deluxe Preen” treatment, something that she had never gotten for herself before; Fluttershy was used to preening her own feathers, as it didn’t make terribly much sense for her to spend that many bits on something she could accomplish with a little patience and diligence, but she had to admit that it had been incredible. After all the normal spa treatments she usually received, she was pretty sure she’d reached some level of nirvana by the end of it. Fluttershy couldn’t recall the last time she felt so refreshed; She was almost tempted to fly home, but didn’t want to ruin the lovely work Aloe and Lotus had just done, so she thought she’d wait and just enjoy the absence of any ruffled plumage for now. She could always fly later, if she wanted to.

Rarity had departed before the preening began, saying it was her special gift, and while Fluttershy felt a little guilty that she was getting more spa-time than Rarity, Rarity had insisted that she deserved it for being such a good friend, and Fluttershy wasn’t one to argue with her friends when she could avoid it. She accepted the gift and made a mental note to go thank Rarity at the first opportunity she had.

For now, though, she had to go home and feed her animals. She could always go over and thank Rarity after dinner.

Fluttershy sighed contentedly as she walked across the small bridge leading to her cottage. It was so peaceful on Sundays, there weren’t even any birds chirping; Fluttershy supposed they must have been taking a nap. They’d probably all wake up as soon as they realized she was putting out their dinner.

As she approached the door, she heard the unmistakable sound of a tapping rabbit’s foot on the other side. No doubt Angel was already wondering where his dinner was. Fluttershy chuckled; She could always give him an extra carrot on top of his salad for waiting patiently.

“Hello Angel, I know I’m late, but–”

Fluttershy froze as she opened her door. Staring at her was not only a foot-tapping Angel, but also Harry the bear, a flamingo, a flying squirrel, a seal, a group of otters, a kitten, a bat, a falcon, a hawk, a family of beavers, a small armada of chipmunks, and even a moose. Of course, Fluttershy recognized all these animals; They were all her animal friends, after all. What she didn’t recognize was what they were wearing.

Pink tutus. Every single one of them wore a pink tutu. And none of them looked happy about it.

Fluttershy looked down at Angel and saw him holding a small envelope, which he quickly threw into her face. A feeling of overwhelming dread taking hold, Fluttershy carefully opened it and pulled out a small white piece of paper with one word written on it.

Fun!

Fluttershy swallowed hard.

This won’t end well.

Now Kiss!

Rarity giggled gleefully as she paced around her inspiration room. “Oh, you should have seen it, Opal, it was perfect! Fluttershy did not suspect a thing.”

”Mao,” Opal replied.

“Yes, yes, I know; I can’t stop now. I must keep the ball rolling, as they say. The question is, then, what next? How do I follow this up?”

Opal rolled her eyes as she lazily walked toward the doorway, giving a small ”Mao,” to signify her departure.

Rarity frowned at her as she left. “Well if you didn’t want to help, you could have just said so.”

Suddenly Rarity heard a knock on the door from downstairs. “Now, who could that be?” she asked the air as she walked out of the inspiration room and locked it before descending the staircase.

“I’ll be there in just a moment,” Rarity called as she reached the ground floor. She quickened her pace momentarily and grabbed the doorknob, twisting as she smiled. “So sorry to keep you waiting, I was just–”

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADER SLEEPOVER AT RARITY’S! YAY!” Three enthusiastic high-pitched squeals interrupted her as she was bowled over by three equally enthusiastic fillies.

Rarity’s eyes rolled in their sockets momentarily before she was able to blink away the confusion. She saw her sister and her friends standing over her with huge smiles and wide, bright eyes.

Working the crook out of her neck as she stood, Rarity eyed them suspiciously. “Not to rain on your parade, girls, but it is Sunday. To say nothing of the fact that I did not agree to host any such sleepover, do you not have school in the morning?”

“Nope,” cheered Apple Bloom, “Tomorra’s Coltlumbus day, which means we got the day off!”

“Yeah, so we can spend all day tomorrow searching for our cutie marks!” Scootaloo gave a hoof pump.

“And I wanted to hang out with Scootaloo and Apple Bloom, but I also missed you, and you said in your letter that you couldn’t wait to hear about our adventures, so I thought maybe you wouldn’t mind if we all hung out together tonight?” Sweetie Belle said, inching closer to Rarity with big, sad eyes.

Rarity was about to shoo them away when she had a thought. A mischievous, devious thought; A thought that, normally, she probably would not. I do not have enough fun, they say? Perhaps some of them would like to join me for this fun… Rarity laughed, perhaps more evilly than she noticed. Oh, it was too perfect; She knew exactly the pony with whom she would share this fun. She would go to Twilight’s Library and explain that the girls wanted to have a slumber party, and after all, Twilight Sparkle loved slumber parties, did she not? When Twilight tried to explain that she would be busy in the morning, Rarity would mention that it was a holiday; What kind of fun loving pony did not take off on a holiday? Surely her schedule wouldn’t be so full that she couldn’t enjoy an impromptu Cutie Mark Crusader Sleepover! There would be no way Twilight could say she did not love to have fun after that.

“Um, sis? Are you okay?” Sweetie Belle asked, concern etched upon her face.

Rarity ceased her laughter and smiled. “Of course, Sweetie Belle. I was just thinking, though, that Twilight loves slumber parties, and I think she’s been feeling lonely lately. What if we moved this little get together to the library? Wouldn’t that be fun?”

Rarity found herself laughing once more as three voices united to shout “CUTIE MARK CRUSADER SLEEPOVER AT TWILIGHT’S LIBRARY! YAY!” while their owners bolted out the door.

Rarity picked up her saddlebags and followed them out the door.

This is going to be good.

“Oh, hi Rarity, what are you doing here at this hour?” Twilight asked as she pulled her door open, allowing her friend to enter.

“Well, dear–” Rarity began, but was immediately cut off as three fillies barged into the room.

“Hi Miss Twilight!”

“It’s good to see you, Miss Twilight!”

“Yeah, uh, what they said!”

“–My sister and her friends wanted to have a slumber party,” Rarity continued without missing a beat. “I thought, why not include Twilight on the fun? After all, you do love slumber parties, do you not?”

Twilight glanced back at Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo, who had already begun cavorting around the Library’s main room, bumping into bookshelves and desks with reckless abandon.

“Oh, um, that’s very kind of you, but…” Twilight grimaced as she used her magic to catch a falling beaker that Apple Bloom had bumped off a shelf. “I don’t think this is a very good time. Don’t the fillies have school in the morning?”

“No, tomorrow is Coltlumbus Day,” Rarity explained.

Twilight groaned. Coltlumbus Day had always been one of her least favorite days of the year; The history behind it was actually somewhat fascinating, having to do with explorers and a giant case of mistaken identity spanning an entire continent, but it also meant a three day weekend – altogether the worst kind of weekend Twilight could imagine growing up.

“Right… Right. I forgot. Okay, but I’m awfully busy, and I have some important research that I really need to do tomorrow.” Twilight sighed.

Rarity hung her head as the crusaders pounced about in the background, paying the two older mares no attention. “I understand. I just thought maybe we could share some fun, but I guess I can’t do anything right when it comes to that.”

Twilight felt her stomach lurch. She was still feeling guilty about what had transpired the other night, but she hadn’t had the time to go over and make it right yet. Granted, if Rarity wanted to have a slumber party now, perhaps she wasn’t that upset about it all? Maybe she’d already been forgiven. That probably warranted exploring.

“... I’m sorry about what I said the other night, Rarity. Just because you don’t share all of our pastimes doesn’t mean we don’t love you, and we definitely didn’t mean for you to feel excluded. You know that, right?”

Rarity smiled weakly and raised her head a few inches. “I know. It’s quite alright. I didn’t exactly react in the best way possible, either,” she chuckled softly.

Twilight studied her friend’s body language carefully for a few seconds. She may have said it was alright, but everything Twilight had been studying on social interactions clearly indicated a mare in pain. Maybe she did have a lot of work to do, but setting things right with her friend came first. Plus, Spike would probably appreciate the chance to spend time with Rarity, as always.

“Alright, let’s have a slumber party,” Twilight said, putting on her best smile.

“It’s no use! Fort Book is completely unassailable,” Spike whispered from behind the overturned kitchen table.

“We might as well give up now,” groused Sweeite Belle.

“Private Spike, Private Sweetie, that is no way to talk,” Rarity whispered harshly back as her eyes crested the table. Fort Book was formidable, certainly, but there were always weaknesses to be exploited; she just had to find them… “They may have the superior defensive position, but they have also become overconfident. We can use that. We just have to figure out–”

Rarity yelped as she narrowly ducked a pillow thrown at her head. Peeking back over momentarily, she saw Scootaloo sneering at her from atop Fort Book. I will have my revenge, Scootaloo…

“Figure out what?” Spike asked, clutching a pillow to his chest.

“Every defensive position, no matter how formidable it may appear, has a weakness. If we find it, we can send the whole construction toppling to the ground,” Rarity explained. She scanned the fortress with her eyes, taking in every detail she could; The parapets, the gate, the walls…

There! Rarity gave a wicked smile when she saw it; On the south wall, Starswirl the Bearded: The Unicorn, The Myth, The Legend had been perched between to Supernaturals and 101 Potions You Wouldn’t Have Thought Of instead of interwoven like the rest of the books on the wall; No doubt Twilight did not want to risk damaging the pages of the book about her idol. This hubris would be her downfall.

Now Rarity just had to explain her plan.

Twilight Sparkle laid back in her chair and smiled. Rarity was a decent strategist, but by allowing Twilight to establish the defensive position at Fort Book, she now had no hope of winning this struggle; It was simply a matter of time until Scootaloo and Apple Bloom would be able to wear them down to the point of exhaustion. Their surrender would surely come shortly thereafter.

Assuming Rarity even had it in her to come up with a plan, there was no conceivable way she would breach Fort Book's defenses. Twilight had checked, re-checked, evaluated and re-evaluated every line of attack available to her rival; They were all fruitless. As she slid her small iron figurines across the map of the Library's main floor to simulate the troop's movements, she smiled.

But what if we run out of ammunition? The thought shattered Twilight's concentration. She had a formidable stockpile to be sure, but if things continued on the way they currently were going, and Rarity was smart enough to wait them out, there would come a point – far down the line, but a point none the less – at which their stores would run dry, and Rarity would be able to attack without fear of reprisal.

This was a problem, and it needed to be dealt with. But how to deal with it? Twilight scanned the map again. "Ah ha," she shouted as she spotted the answer. "The upstairs linen closet! I can simply teleport up when we start running low, and completely restock the fortress!"

Twilight smiled. This was coming together perfectly. Nothing at all could possibly–

“Umm, General Sparkle?” came a voice from behind her. Twilight rolled her eyes before turning her head.

“What is it, Private Apple Bloom? Shouldn’t you be manning your post?”

“I was, but… I think you might wanna see this.” Apple Bloom spoke hesitantly, as if she was worried... But what did she have to be worried about? Fort Book was invincible.

“What? Did something happen?” Twilight asked.

“Just come look,” Apple Bloom replied. Twilight narrowed her gaze. “Er, I mean, sir, just come look, sir?”

“Fine,” Twilight groaned, leaving her planning table and heading up the stair case.

As she finished climbing, she saw three figures out across the main room of the library. Rarity, Sweetie Belle, and Spike stood perfectly still, grasping a multitude of pillows between the three of them. Twilight frowned. Why were they just standing there, out in the open?

Twilight glanced at Scootaloo and Apple Bloom, who both shrugged.

“What is the meaning of this?” Twilight called out across the expanse, but received no answer; Her enemies did not even appear to acknowledge her.

Twilight frowned, levitating pillows into the hooves of her followers. “Make them regret ever setting hoof in the main room.”

“Sir yes sir!” The two fillies replied, retaking their positions on the parapets.

Twilight was about to return to her chair downstairs when suddenly she heard a voice shake the air around her; the clarion call of “CHAAAAAAAAARGE!”

Twilight turned to see Rarity, Spike, and Sweetie Belle dashing forward. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo fired their deadly volleys, but were easily evaded. Twilight gasped as a series of pillows flew back towards them, propelled by Rarity’s cerulean magic. She ducked, but heard an ‘oof!’ to her right; Apple Bloom had been hit. Twilight let out a primal roar, gripping a full salvo of fluffy white ammunition in her magic and launching it at her would-be assailants. Rarity raised a force field, but a few of the pillows managed to pass through and knocked Sweetie Belle and Spike to the ground. Rarity clearly saw this, though, and returned the pillows rapid-fire, like a mare possessed. Twilight dodged to the left, but quickly realized she had no more room to run; She should have dodged back instead so she could head down the stairs. The stream of machine-gunned pillows was about to hit her, when she saw an orange blur dive in front of her; a torrent of pillows smashed into the tiny frame before it fell to the ground below.

Scootaloo lay there, coughing up feathers. “Private Scootaloo! Are you okay?” Twilight called.

“I… I’m fine… General,” Scootaloo spoke through another feather-coughing fit.

“I… You saved me, soldier,” Twilight felt water welling up in her eyes. “Is… Is there anything I can do for you?”

Scootaloo continued coughing, taking short, jagged breaths. “Tell Rainbow Dash… I was awesome,” she said, and let her head hit the wooden floor, unconsciousness claiming her.

Twilight took a deep breath and recomposed herself. Turning back to the battlefront, she saw Rarity now standing before the keep, without a pillow in sight.

“That was a good try, Rarity, but it appears you made one grand mistake.”

“Oh? And what might that have been, General Sparkle?” Rarity replied, sarcasm coating her voice.

“You may have defeated my soldiers, but now I have all the pillows.” Twilight grinned. Indeed, Rarity had sent every pillow she had left into that volley; Now victory was assured.

However, rather than the deflated posture of one resigned to defeat that Twilight expected, Rarity stood firm.

“Yes, it would seem you do. So why not come out here and face me, unicorn to unicorn? We can have a fair fight, and settle this once and for all? Or...” Rarity gave a sadistic smile, “aren’t you mare enough to face me?”

Twilight laughed in response. “Was that your plan? Did you really think that would work? Maybe a pony like Applejack or Rainbow Dash might fall for something like that, but I’m Twilight Sparkle; The greatest pillow fight tactician that has ever lived! I have Fort Book, I have all the pillows, there is simply no reason for me to indulge my ego when I have victory within my grasp.”

Twilight watched as Rarity sighed. “I suppose your right. Go on then, finish this.”

“With pleas–” Twilight’s eye twitched. “Wait… what did you say?”

“Pardon, darling?” Rarity asked innocently.

“You… repeat what you just said.” Twilight demanded, raising a pillow over her head.

“What? I just said, your right. That would–”

“Ah ha!” Twilight exclaimed, pointing a hoof at Rarity. “You used the wrong ‘You’re’!”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “Whatever do you mean, darling? I was simply saying that you’re analysis of the situation was correct.”

Twilight felt her skin crawl. “You just did it again! Agh, stop it!” She shouted, feeling an uncontrollable pain afflicting her ears.

Rarity cocked her head curiously. “I have no idea what your talking about, Twilight, their is simply no way you could know that.”

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuugh!” Twilight howled in agony, reeling as if struck by a stampeding bull. Grasping her pillow, she teleported down to the ground floor, behind Rarity, and sent the projectile flying at her with all the magical force she could muster.

Rarity leaped to the side, and Twilight saw the pillow careen forward, heading straight for the south wall… Straight for…

Starswirl the Bearded: The Unicorn, The Myth, The Legend.

The pillow bounced off the book with a subtle ‘pomf’ and fell to the ground. The library was silent; nothing moved for several long seconds as Twilight looked on in horror at the pillow that had struck her favorite book.

Starswirl the Bearded: The Unicorn, The Myth, The Legend fell out of place.

The entirety of Fort Book wobbled violently. Shockwaves shook the foundation, rippling out from the epicenter of the missing book. The entire structure lurched forward, its massive payload of stockpiled pillows now looming directly above Twilight Sparkle.

“Oh dear,” she squeaked as the fortress collapsed.

Twilight smiled as she wrapped Spike’s blanket around him, the baby dragon already having passed out nearly an hour ago. All told it had taken exactly 139 minutes and 15 seconds to clean up the aftermath of The Battle For Fort Book, but on the plus side, she got her weekly reorganization done ahead of schedule since all the books were off the shelves already; That meant she’d have plenty of time tomorrow to get all her work done.

Twilight glanced out to the balcony and saw Rarity standing with her forehooves on the railing. She tiptoed over and slid the glass door open to join her.

“I’d like to thank you, Twilight, for sharing this night with me.”

Twilight stepped up to the railing next to her friend and put her own front hooves up as well. The stars of Luna’s night had already begun shining long ago by now, bathing all of Ponyville in peaceful serenity.

“Don’t mention it, Rarity. I’m not sure I can even remember the last time I had so much fun.” Twilight chuckled until she noticed Rarity frowning out of the corner of her eye. “Is something wrong?”

“You don’t have to say that, Twilight. I guess I don’t mind being the ‘buzzkill’. It’s enough to know that my friends still have time for me.” It may have been a trick of the moonlight, but Twilight was almost certain she saw a tear roll down her friend’s cheek.

Twilight felt a stinging pain in her heart. Perhaps she had underestimated the enormity of the situation from Friday night; What would Princess Celestia think of her, knowing she’d hurt her friend so badly? Actually, forget Princess Celestia; What did Twilight Sparkle think of herself?

“I’m sorry, Rarity. We really didn’t mean anything by it,” Twilight mumbled, unable to look her friend in the eye.

“Then why did you let Rainbow say those things? I just don’t understand…” Rarity sniffled, leaning down to rest her head on the railing in between her hooves.

Twilight shrunk back. There was no good answer to that question, or at least not one she’d thought of. They all knew how brash Rainbow Dash could be, but Twilight had done nothing to care for Rarity’s feelings in that moment; She was just as guilty as Rainbow, in that case.

“I don’t know. I didn’t think about how it would affect you, I guess. But just because you don’t always enjoy the same things as the rest of us doesn’t mean we love you any less. We all care about you so much, Rarity, even Rainbow. We’re Best Friends Forever.” Twilight raised her gaze to see Rarity staring back at her, tears now running freely down her face.

“Oh, Twilight,” she said, leaning over to wrap her in a hug, “Best Friends Forever,” Rarity giggled through her tears.

Twilight felt herself smiling as she returned the hug. “I’ll make it up to you, Rarity. Why don’t we go out for breakfast tomorrow? We can even take the train up to Canterlot in the morning, if you want. My treat.”

Rarity pulled back to look into Twilight’s eyes. “I can’t let you do that, dear, you already told me how much work you have to get done.”

Twilight shook her head. “Maybe, but like you said, tomorrow’s a holiday, right? And regardless, you’re more important to me than some silly research. I won’t take no for an answer.”

Rarity smiled widely and reached her neck out to nuzzle Twilight’s cheek. “Thanks, Twilight. I’d like that.”

Welp, that should just about do it for 2014. See you all next year! :D

“And then I said, ‘Oatmeal!?’ Are you–”

“I’ve heard this story before, Pinkie,” Rainbow Dash growled as she walked next to her continuously hopping companion.

“Oh. Well, did I tell you about the time when–”

“Yes,” Dash cut her off.

“Hey, you didn’t even let me say which one it was! How do you know which story it was gonna be?” Pinkie said with a frown.

Dash stopped walking and made eye contact with her friend. “Was it going to begin with somepony saying something about parties being inappropriate for the situation, and end with you proving them wrong by throwing a party for it?”

“... Touché,” Pinkie said, eyes narrowed.

“Look, let’s just get to Fluttershy’s house, so we can… Uh…” Rainbow scratched her chin with a hoof. “Why are we going to Flutter’s place, again?”

“To invite her to the party for Rarity, duh?” Pinkie chirped, her bounce resuming.

“Of course,” Rainbow said as she dragged her forehooves down her face.

“Anyway, we’re here!” Pinkie giggled as she crossed the small bridge in front of Fluttershy’s house and hopped over to the door. Rainbow breathed a sigh of relief and floated over the rest of the way, landing in front of the door and immediately rapping it with a hoof.

“Fluttershy, open up!”.

The door remained closed.

“Fluttershy? It’s me and Pinkie,” Rainbow said after a few long moments.

The door remained closed.

“Let me try,” Pinkie said, pushing Rainbow to the side and rolling her shoulders to produce a satisfying crack. She then flexed her legs, pulling them to the sides to loosen the muscles before returning to all fours.

“Watch and learn,” she said with a grin, before repeatedly ramming her face into the door.

“FLUTTERSHY! ME AND DASHIE ARE HERE TO INVITE YOU TO A PARTY!” Pinkie cried as her forehead hammered against the wood.

Rainbow suppressed a chuckle as she pulled Pinkie away from the door. “Come on Pinkie, stop before you hurt yourself.”

“But Dashie, Fluttershy’s not answering! What if she’s hurt or something?”

Rainbow rolled her eyes. “She’s probably just upstairs or something. Look, she keeps a key under her doormat,” Rainbow said as she reached under the mat and pulled out a small silver key. “We’ll just let ourselves in and–”

Right as Rainbow went to place the key in the hole, the door blasted open, crushing her beneath it as a bear, a flamingo, a flying squirrel, a seal, a group of otters, a kitten, a bat, a falcon, a hawk, a family of beavers, a small armada of chipmunks, and a moose stampeded out of the cottage.

“Oh dear, come back my friends!” Fluttershy’s voice called after the retreating animals as she stepped out onto the fallen door.

“Hi Fluttershy!” Pinkie chirped.

Fluttershy gasped. “Oh my, Pinkie! Are you alright?”

Pinkie giggled. “Yep! But Dashie might not be feeling too good.”

Fluttershy quirked an eyebrow and looked around. “What do you mean? Where is she?

“You’re standing on her,” Pinkie said, pointing a hoof.

Fluttershy gasped as she immediately began lifting the door off the ground and inspected Rainbow’s slowly twitching form.

“Oh my goodness, are you okay Dashie?” Fluttershy’s voice quivered as she helped Rainbow to her hooves.

“See?” Rainbow croaked, her eyes still rolling in their sockets. “I told you Bananas were a vegetable, didn’t I?” She promptly fell over.

“She’s fine,” Pinkie giggled. “She’ll be right as rain after the next jump cut.”

Fluttershy frowned as she looked between Dash and Pinkie. “If you say so…”

“Anyway, what was the deal with that fracas there?” Pinkie asked.

“Oh Pinkie, that’s just it! I have no idea what happened, but… Well, maybe it would be easier just to show you…” Fluttershy shook her head as she motioned inside the cottage, and Pinkie followed her.

The scene that greeted them inside the cottage could not have been further from Pinkie’s expectations. The entire first floor had been torn to pieces, furniture overturned, walls marked by claws, and floorboards snapped. While that wasn’t too unusual an occurrence for Fluttershy’s home to suffer, what set this incident apart was the layer of shredded pink fabric that seemed to be coating every available surface. Pinkie gaped as she took it all in. “Wow, you must’ve had one hay of a party in here! And you didn’t invite me?”

Fluttershy held her head in her hooves as she flew around the room. “But I didn’t have a party! When I got home from the spa earlier, all my animal friends were wearing… these!” She motioned at the scraps of fabric littering the room. “At first it was kind of cute, but I guess they didn’t like it very much, because they all just went berserk!”

Pinkie frowned as she sat on her haunches. “That’s not how you play dress up at all.”

“I don’t think the animals were playing dress up, Pinkie,” Rainbow deadpanned.

Fluttershy gasped as Pinkie leaned over and whispered in her ear, “Told you.” Fluttershy glanced back and forth between them, Rainbow quirking an eyebrow and Pinkie grinning ear to ear. Finally she sighed exasperatedly as she floated over to her couch and sat down.

“And now all my animal friends ran away! Even Angel! They’ll never forgive me for letting this happen to them…”

Pinkie clicked her tongue disapprovingly. “Of course they will! And you know why?”

“Why?” Fluttershy sniffled.

“Because Pinkie ‘Detective’ Pie (and her lovely assistant Dashie) are on the case!” Pinkie beamed.

“Hey, why am I the assistant?” Rainbow groused.

Pinkie wrapped a leg around her neck and mussed her main with a snort. “Because you don’t have any experience detectiving, Dashie!”

“Whatever,” Rainbow said with an eyeroll as she slipped out of Pinkie’s headlock and approached Fluttershy. “Do you have any idea who did this, ‘Shy?”

Fluttershy tapped her forehooves together tentatively. “Well… I did find this note…”

“What note?” Rainbow asked.

“Umm…” Fluttershy ruffled through the scraps of fabric on the broken coffee table and came up with a small folded piece of paper. “This o–”

“Our first clue!” Pinkie cheered as she snatched the paper out of Fluttershy’s hoof and examined it with a magnifying glass. “Dashie, write this down! White parchment, folded in quarters, each one measuring exactly 4 by 5.75…”

Rainbow was going to get dizzy from all the eye rolling she had to do. “Fluttershy, is there anything else you can tell us about what happened?”

“No, I don’t know anything else, I just got home, and then all my friends were wearing tutus,” Fluttershy said frowning.

“... it was clearly folded with great care, as the edges line up perfectly…”

Rainbow tapped a hoof to her chin. “Well, what were you doing before that?”

Fluttershy shrugged. “I was at the spa, with Rarity.”

Rainbow narrowed her gaze. “Aren’t you usually done with that by, like, late afternoon?”

“... unfolding the note reveals an exquisite border on the parchment, making this detective conclude it must be somepony’s stationary…”

Fluttershy nodded. “Oh, yes, but Rarity paid for me to have a… Umm… Special treatm–”

Rainbow shook her head. “Oh jeez Flutters, I don’t wanna know that!”

Fluttershy blushed. “No! No, nothing like that! Just, she paid for me to have my wings preened, so I stayed later than usual.”

“... in the center of the note is a single word, written in what is clearly magical calligraphy…”

Rainbow wiped her brow with a hoof. “Oh, okay. Wait…”

“... The word is ‘Fun.’”

Rainbow’s eyes lit up. “Let me see that, Pinkie.”

“Hey!” Pinkie pouted as Rainbow snatched the note away from her.

There it was, right in the center of the paper; ‘Fun.’

“What is it, Dashie?” Fluttershy asked quietly.

The torn fabric. The elegant penmanship. A lack of understanding of the concept of ‘fun.’

“Did you even write any of that down, assistant? That was some high quality deducing I just did!” Pinkie grumbled.

“How can you say I never want to do anything fun, Rainbow? I love having fun as much as the next pony.”

Rainbow balled up the paper and threw it over her shoulder.

Nopony pranked Fluttershy and got away with it.

Rarity smiled – genuinely smiled – as she bit into her crepe and tasted the delicious raspberry filling spilling onto her tongue. Twilight seemed to be enjoying her breakfast just as much, if the small appreciative sounds escaping her mouth were anything to go by.

“Thank you so much for doing this with me, Twilight. It really does mean the world to me,” Rarity said with a polite smile.

Twilight chuckled. “How many times do I have to say not to worry about it? It’s my pleasure, really.”

“I know,” Rarity nodded. “I just… I guess I’m just feeling a bit guilty.”

“Guilty? Why?” Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow.

Rarity rolled her tongue across her teeth. “I just… I was so suspicious of you all, that you were excluding me, and I should have had more faith in you.” Rarity paused and took a sip of her water. “You’re my friends for a reason, and it would do me well to–”

Rarity paused. She heard a distinct whistling sound, like rapid winds moving through leaves. She looked about quickly, trying to place its source.

“Rarity?”

“Do you hear that, Twilight?” Rarity asked.

“Do I hear what?”

Rarity would have answered her, but it was about that time their entire seating arrangement was thrown into the sky by a rainbow-colored blur smashing into the ground right next to them.

That’s odd, Rarity thought as she watched her crepes roll across the fluffy white surface in front of her, I don’t remember asking to be seated at a cloud.

Before she had a chance to scream as gravity reasserted its presence in the world, Rarity found herself encased in bubble of purple magic, floating softly to the ground.

“YOU!” A familiar voice bellowed from behind her.

“What!? What did I do?” Rarity shrieked.

“YOU KNOW WHAT YOU… Uh, Twilight? Could you turn her around? This kinda loses a lot of the cool, dramatic flair if I’m shouting at the back of her head,” the voice, which Rarity could now identify as belonging to Rainbow Dash, said.

“Sorry, sorry,” Twilight apologized and Rarity felt her body spinning around.

“Thank you for catching me, by the way, Twilight,” Rarity said with a smile as her field of view passed her friend.

“Don’t mention it,” Twilight said with a polite nod.

“Now then,” Rainbow Dash coughed into her hoof as she came into Rarity’s view, “YOU KNOW WHAT YOU–”

“Wait,” Twilight interrupted her. “Why are you yelling at Rarity in the first place?”

Rainbow groaned. “I’ll get to that, just… Just let me have this, okay, Twi? Please?”

Twilight appeared to mull this over for a few seconds before nodding. “Alright, but don’t take it too far, or I’m pulling the plug, okay?”

“Jeez, fine, mom. Now, where were we?” Rainbow said, turning back to Rarity.

“You were in the middle of an exclamation,” Rarity offered.

“Right! Right. Ahem,” Rainbow coughed into her hoof again, “YOU KNOW WHAT YOU–”

“Assistant!” Pinkie could be heard yelling off in the distance. Rainbow smacked a hoof to her forehead as Rarity and Twilight looked for her on the horizon. “You’re not supposed to leave the head detective behind! That’s insubordination!”

“AUUUUGH! Pinkie, could you drop the whole detective/assistant thing for like, one minute? I’m kinda in the middle of a big, dramatic… thing, here!” Rainbow yelled back.

“Speaking of,” Rarity said with a wave of her hoof, “that was a phenomenal entrance, darling. Positively exquisite. It really set the tone for the scene.”

“I know, right?” Rainbow giggled, her face lighting up. “I was all, ‘WHOOSH!’ and then ‘BOOM!’ and you were like ‘Woah, what’s going on!?’ It was so cool.”

“Absolutely, and it took me by complete surprise! Have you ever considered becoming a stunt mare, Rainbow Dash? I think you’d be great at it,” Rarity said.

Rainbow tapped a hoof to her chin. “I guess that’d be pretty cool, if the whole aerobat, Wonderbolt thing didn’t work ou – HEY!” Rainbow furrowed her brow as she pointed an accusing hoof at Rarity. “Don’t compliment me while I’m trying to yell at you!”

Rarity covered her mouth with a hoof. “Oh, so sorry dear, please, resume.”

Rainbow stamped her hoof. “And don’t apologize! It sounds like you’re mocking me,” she growled.

“Oh no,” Rarity shook her head, “I wouldn’t dare. You have complete control of this situation.”

“... Okay,” Rainbow said, leveling her gaze. “You know what you… Ah, ponyfeathers…”

Rarity raised her eyebrow. “What’s wrong?”

Rainbow rolled her neck and sat on her haunches. “I’m just not feeling it, now. The whole moment’s screwed up.”

“Do you want to go back and start from the beginning?” Twilight asked. “You can do your entrance again, and no one will interrupt you this time?”

“No,” Rainbow sighed, “no, it’s gone now…” With a sigh she turned back to Rarity “You pranked Fluttershy, okay? And it wasn’t cool.”

Twilight gasped. “Rarity did what!?”

Rarity gulped. “I… I can explain, really.”

“It really wasn’t a problem,” Fluttershy choked out as she landed next to Twilight, panting heavily. “I mean, we don’t all need to get in a fight about it. I’m fine, and Pinkie’s right; my animal friends will come back… Eventually.”

“That’s not the point, Fluttershy,” Rainbow said. “It wasn’t even a good prank.”

“I don’t know, we weren’t even there. It could have been funny,” Pinkie said, nonchalantly trotting up to the group.

“What? Pinkie, you’re the one who made the rule about not pranking Fluttershy!” Rainbow moaned.

“Oh yeah. Well, it wasn’t a great prank. It left a lot to be desired.” Pinkie said with a nod.

“You had a rule about not pranking me?” Fluttershy asked with a frown.

Rainbow blanched. “Well, yeah, because we didn’t want to hurt your feelings, or–”

“You don’t have to ‘protect’ me, Dashie. I’m not some chineigh doll that’ll break if you poke me too hard.” Fluttershy scowled.

Rainbow cocked her head. “Wait… Are you mad at me now?”

Fluttershy sighed. “No, I’m not mad. Just… Disappointed."

Rainbow grunted in frustration. “You see what you did, Rarity? You made Fluttershy mad at me!”

Fluttershy flared her wings. “Rainbow, I just said–”

“You’re such a buzzkill,” Rainbow forged right ahead, ignoring Fluttershy’s interjection, “that you simply trying to have fun results in nopony having fun, ever! You’re like fun dark matter!”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Did you mean fun anti-matter?”

Rainbow shook her head. “Whatever, I don’t care!” Rainbow shouted, flying right up to Rarity’s face and glaring with all her might. “What do you have to say for yourself!?”

“Hang on, Rainbow,” Twilight said, dropping Rarity from her magic field and pulling Rainbow back by the tail instead. “I’ll have you know, Rarity and I had a slumber party last night, and we had plenty of fun.”

Pinkie gasped. “You had a slumber party without me!?”

Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Oh yeah? What’d you do, read the Egghead’s Guide to Having Fun?”

“No,” Twilight protested. “Not that it’s any of your business, but we used Slumber 102: Even More Things You Wanted To Know About Slumber Parties, But Were Afraid To Ask.”

Rainbow howled with laughter. “See!? My point exactly! You barely even know how to have fun without a book!”

Twilight scowled. “Books are valuable resources, Rain–”

“Yeah yeah yeah, I don’t care,” Rainbow said, flicking Twilight’s horn to dispel her magic grip on her tail. Twilight yelped in surprise, but Rainbow was already back to facing Rarity. “I ask again: What do you have to say for yourself?”

Rarity looked to each of her friends in turn; Twilight grimacing as she rubbed her horn, Fluttershy glaring with frustration at Rainbow, Pinkie looking sad and muttering to herself, and Rainbow herself, smirking right in her face.

“I am not a Buzzkill,” she said.

“Prove it,” Rainbow sneered.

“How?” Rarity asked.

“Prank War. You and me. Starts tomorrow.”

“Rainbow, stop it!” Fluttershy shouted. “You’re being mean!”

“Just ignore her, Rarity,” Twilight called. “You don’t have to prove anything to her!”

“Of course, you don’t have to if you just admit that you’re a buzzkill,” Rainbow practically sang.

Rarity bit her lip as Rainbow’s insufferable smirk grew larger.

This could not stand.

“Fine,” she snarled.

Rainbow spat into her hoof.

“It.”

Rarity spat into her own hoof.

“Is.”

They slammed their hooves together.

“On.”

She only freaked out about how unsanitary it was for a minute, tops.

I have good news for fans of cryptograms...

Rarity was almost done with her morning beautification routine when she heard a faint knocking at her door. As the boutique would not open for another several hours, she wasn’t entirely sure who it could have been, and as much of a crime as it was to leave her false eyelashes in their container for the time being, she knew there was no way she could focus enough to properly apply them with such a racket going on.

As she reached the door and looked out the peephole she was surprised to see Rainbow Dash standing on the other side, looking rather deflated. Curiosity piqued, she opened the door a crack.

“Good morning, Rainbow Dash,” she said, “what brings you here?”

“Hey Rares, I… Uh… I came to apologize. For yesterday,” Rainbow Dash muttered, eyes cast down to the ground.

Rarity quickly undid the chain lock and opened the door the rest of the way. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Rainbow said as she rubbed the back of her neck. “Mr. Turner – he’s my therapist – says I shouldn’t be so confrontational, and I know he’s right. Sometimes I just get… I dunno, worked up, I guess, and I don’t really think about what it is I’m saying. Point is, I shouldn’t have challenged you to a prank war, and I’m sorry I called you a buzzkill.” Rainbow extended a hoof. “Forgive me?”

Rarity deflected Rainbow’s hoof and pulled her into a full body hug. “Of course,” she said, giggling slightly. “I could never stay mad at you.”

Rainbow gave a nervous chuckle as she extricated herself from Rarity’s grip. “Right. So I got you something, to make it up to you,” she said as she pulled a small brown orb from her saddlebag and proffered it to Rarity.

Rarity smelled the sweet scent of chocolate as she took it from Rainbow. “It’s a chocolate covered apple,” the pegasus said as Rarity looked at it.

“Thank you, Rainbow, that’s very thoughtful of you.”

“Right, that’s me,” Rainbow said, ruffling her mane with a grin. “Super thoughtful. So, you gonna eat it?”

Rarity looked back down to the apple. “Umm… It’s morning, Rainbow. Not exactly the ideal time for chocolate.”

“I know, but, like, Pinkie eats chocolate crullers for breakfast all the time. It’s not really different.”

Rarity mulled this over. It wasn’t unheard of… and it really did smell quite delicious. Perhaps just a little bite would be okay. With a polite smile, Rarity brought it to her lips and sunk her teeth into the chocolatey, app–

Onion. It was an onion. Rarity spat it out of her mouth as quickly and aggressively as she could, but it was too late; Her nostrils were already burning, eyes tearing up, and her tongue was coated with the sinister vegetable.

By the time Rarity was able to recover from the coughing fit she found herself in, Rainbow was rolling on the ground laughing.

“OH MY GOSH YOU ACTUALLY ATE IT!” Rainbow cackled, tears of mirth rolling down her cheeks. “That was like, SO obvious! And you fell for it!”

Rarity coughed in response, though she liked to pretend her cough was a terrible, vicious expletive.

Rainbow got back to her hooves and wiped her eyes. “I knew I was gonna win this thing, but I had no idea it was gonna be this easy.”

“Of all the vile, inconsiderate, asinine things, Rainbow, you chose to–”

“Pull a simple prank in a war that you agreed to?” Rainbow interrupted with a devious smirk. “Yeah, I think I did. You’re not upset, are you?”

Rarity stamped a hoof. “As a matter of fact, I–”

“Because, you know, getting upset over a prank is pretty much the opposite of fun.” Rainbow shrugged.

Rarity paused. So that’s how it’s going to be, is it, Rainbow? She bared her teeth. “No, I am not upset.”

“Great,” Rainbow said quickly and patted Rarity on the shoulder. “I’ll see you later then, Onion-Breath!” With that she took off into the sky, and Rarity could hear her impish cackling until she was out of view.

This would not stand. Rarity had already begun the plans for her retaliation, and it would be so perfect, so grand, that Rainbow Dash would never even know what hit her.

First, though, she had to go brush her teeth.

Rarity wiped her brow as she stepped back to admire her handiwork. Rainbow Dash thought she was so clever, but she wasn’t. Perhaps she thought her cloud house was unassailable to her rival, but that was clearly not the case; Had she forgotten that Twilight knew a very simple spell that allowed non-pegasi ponies to walk on clouds? Hah! That was just like Rainbow, forgetting all about her vulnerabilities until they were exploited against her.

And exploit them Rarity had. She allowed herself one brief maniacal laugh as she double checked everything she had done.

Rainbow’s Wonderbolts 25th Anniversary poster; Slanted 2.3 degrees to the left.

Rainbow’s Wonderbolts: Swimsuit Edition calender; Slanted 4.9 degrees to the right, and turned ahead 2 months.

Rainbow’s autographed picture with Spitfire and Soarin’; shifted one quarter inch off center in the frame.

It was beautiful to behold. The moment Rainbow returned home, Rarity could imagine her doing nothing more than falling to her knees and swearing vengeance upon her mother’s grave.

A click from the front of the house alerted Rarity to somepony’s presence. Thinking quickly, she hopped out the bedroom window and clung to the ledge outside.

After a few agonizing moments of silence, she heard a loud yawn come from inside and peeked over the edge of the window. Rainbow was entering the bedroom, having dropped her saddlebags somewhere in the middle of her kitchen floor. She watched as the pegasus made her way over to the bed and sat down.

This was it. Her moment of triumph. Any second, Rainbow would look up and see…

Rainbow flopped backward onto her bed and immediately began snoring.

Rarity stared in disbelief. She didn’t even notice her precious memorabilia had been tampered with! Was the mare so unobservant that she was unaffected by the jostling of right angles!?

Perhaps this prank had been a bust. Resigning herself to defeat for now, Rarity turned back to the ground and…

Hmm, Rarity thought as she tapped a hoof to her chin. How was I planning on getting down from here?

Rarity groaned and punched the wall. She was surprised when her hoof struck something solid. She slowly pulled it out and found it to be a series of small plastic planks on a pair of fiber cords. Looking closely, she found a small engraved plaque on the top plank which read ’This Spy Ladder Property of Pinkamena Diane Pie,’ and below that, ‘(Stashed here in case of Spy Ladder Emergency)’.

“Well,” Rarity muttered to herself as she unfolded the ladder and tossed the bottom over the ledge, “that was a freebie.”

Rarity was surprised to find the door to her inspiration room slightly ajar when she returned upstairs from lunch. She remembered closing it, didn’t she? At least, she thought she did…

“Hey Rares,” Rainbow’s scratchy voice called out as she opened the door.

“Rainbow!? What are you doing here?” Rarity gritted her teeth and spaced out her hooves, eyes darting this way and that as she prepared to fend off whatever ill-advised ploy Rainbow had prepared.

“Oh, nothin’ much, just thought I’d give you a little heads up. I unfolded one of your bolts of fabric, but I couldn’t figure out how to fold it back up the way you do it, so I just stuffed it back in the rack all loose,” Rainbow said with a shrug.

Rarity groaned. “Rainbow, you can’t just “stuff it back in,” or it will wrinkle. Give it to me.”

Rainbow laughed. “Oops. I already put it back in, Rares.”

“So get it back out and give it to me!” Rarity shouted, her temper deserting her.

Rainbow tapped a hoof to her chin before shaking her head. “Nah.”

Rarity narrowed her eyes. “What do you mean, ‘Nah?’”

“I mean, I’m not going to do that. If I did, it wouldn’t be much of a prank.”

Rarity closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Murder was below her. “So I’m to find it myself, then?”

“That’s the idea,” Rainbow said as she nonchalantly swaggered passed her to the doorway. “By the way, Rarity, it’s not much of a prank war if you don’t prank me back.”

Rarity heard the door close behind her and silently fumed.

This wasn’t a big deal. In fact, it was kind of an awful prank; With any luck, she’d find the unfolded bolt within the first few she checked, refold it, and be able to go about her day as she pleased.

“Piece of cake,” she muttered to herself, and got to work levitating the bolts off the racks.

Rainbow lied.

Five hours of checking bolts of fabric for improper folding, and the only thing Rarity discovered was 359 bolts of exquisitely folded fabric.

But Rainbow had told her she unfolded one, right? So she checked again.

It wasn’t until midnight that Rarity finally realised what the smarmy pegasus had done.

She’d tricked her into wasting an entire day looking for something that wasn’t there.

Rarity looked at herself in the mirror and nearly wept. Giant dark circles hung from her eyes, her hooves were covered in lint, her mane was a mess… This transcended mere pranking. Rainbow Dash had pushed into realms of cruelty.

Of course, that meant Rarity had to push back. Turning her attention back to the task at hand, she grinned as she smoothed the wrinkles out of the freshly reapplied label on the conditioner bottle. ‘Shampoo,’ the label read. Likewise, the Shampoo bottle’s label deviously stated ‘Conditioner.’

It was wrong. It betrayed all of Rarity’s principles to do this to some poor, defenseless pony. It was a crime against mane styling itself.

But Rainbow had earned it.

With that in mind, Rarity placed the two bottles in a small basket and tied a bow to the top with her magic, and then trotted out of the boutique and into town.

It did not take long to find Rainbow Dash, as she was – predictably enough – practicing her flight routine out in the field behind Fluttershy’s cottage.

“Rainbow, dear, do you have a minute?” Rarity called out.

Rainbow spotted her immediately and alighted on the ground next to her. “Hey, Rares. What’s up?”

Rarity feigned a smile. “I just happened to be in the area, and I have a gift for you.”

Rainbow snickered. “Oh, okay. What is it?”

“... That’s it? No ‘Thank you, Rarity,’ no ‘You didn’t have to do that Rarity?’”

Rainbow covered her mouth with a hoof, but Rarity could still hear her laughter. “No, of course, thanks Rares. So what is it?”

Don’t lose your temper, Rarity. Remember: It’s all for the plan.

“Here,” Rarity said as she floated the basket off her back and into Rainbow’s waiting hooves.

Rainbow eyed the basket for a moment. “Oh, mane stuff? No thanks.”

Rarity gritted her teeth. “What do you mean, no thanks?”

“I don’t use that stuff,” Rainbow said with a shrug.

Rarity’s jaw dropped. “What do you mean you don’t use that stuff!?”

“I mean I don’t use it. I just rinse my hair and let it air dry.”

Rarity felt her body temperature rising. “Rainbow, that’s horrible! No wonder your mane is always so tangled! I insist, take it and use it.”

“I appreciate the thought,” Rainbow said beween snickers, “but no. I’m good.”

Rarity groaned. Perhaps a change of tactics was in order. “But wouldn’t it feel good, after getting so sweaty out here in the fields, to rub some nice, soothing shampoo on your scalp?” Rarity nodded her head toward the disguised bottle.

At this point Rainbow fell to the ground, laughing uproariously. Rarity seethed.

“Oh my gosh Rares, could you be any more obvious?” Rainbow wiped a tear from her eye. “Obviously this is a prank.”

Rarity gasped and raised a defensive hoof to her chest. “Rainbow, how could you accuse me of such a thing?”

Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Uh, maybe because I did this exact prank to you yesterday?”

Rarity’s eyes flew as far open as equinely possible. “You switched my Shampoo and Conditioner labels!?”

Rainbow resumed laughing. “No, but thanks for telling me what you were trying to pull here.”

Rarity stared blankly into the space above Rainbow’s head as she realized what had just transpired.

“Anyway, it’s good to see you’re finally trying to prank me back, but I gotta run. Weather meeting starts in ten minutes. See you later, Rares!” Rainbow saluted with a hoof and then took off into the sky.

Rarity continued staring off into space as Rainbow left. “I did try to prank you back,” Rarity mumbled.

Rarity heaved herself into the shower stall with a heavy sigh. Rainbow’s defenses were immaculate. How was she supposed to win this war when her rival seemed to know everything she was going to do before she did it? She turned the faucet on to hot and grabbed her bar of soap.

As she sat under the flowing water thinking about her next move, she heard her stomach growl. She was pretty sure she could smell broccoli soup cooking… She had left nothing on the stove, though.

Rarity lifted her nose and sniffed the air again. It was strong. Too strong to be coming from outside the bathroom. Actually… the water smelled like…

Rarity shrieked as she turned off the faucet and watched the green tinted water flow down the drain. She used her magic to grab the shower head and twisted it off.

A small, goopy green cube fell to the floor of the stall.

Broccoli Bouillon.

She’d bathed in Broccoli Bouillon.

Rarity stepped out of the shower, toweled herself dry, cleaned up the disgusting soup cube, and locked herself in her Inspiration room.

Sweetie Belle heard her screaming from their parent’s house on the opposite side of town.

Rainbow Dash sat on her sofa and giggled as she turned to the first page of Daring Do and The Dingo’s Didgeridoo. She’d been waiting months for this book to come out, and now that it was, nothing was going to stop her from reading it in one sitting, starting now.

She heard a knock at the door and sighed, smacking her forehead with a hoof. Of course somepony needed her as soon as she picked up her book.

“Who is it,” she called, eyes still scanning the title page.

“Rainbow darling, it’s me, Rarity.”

Rainbow looked up. This might be worth delaying Daring Do for a couple minutes. She flew over to the door and opened it.

“‘Sup, Rares?”

“I surrender,” Rarity said, holding out a gold-trimmed white flag and waving it sadly in the breeze.

“What?” Rainbow raised an eyebrow.

“You win, Rainbow. Clearly I am no match for your pranking expertise,” Rarity said softly, dropping her flag on the front porch. “I want you to know there are no hard feelings, so I got you this,” she said as she levitated a glass bottle out of her saddlebag.

Rainbow sighed. “Rares, you tried this yesterday, what makes you think it’s going to work now?”

Rarity shook her head. “I know it looks suspicious, but I promise, Rainbow, it’s just a bottle of cider. Applejack sold it to me herself.”

Rainbow eyed the bottle suspiciously for a moment. Sweet Apple Acres Cider, it said in the proud golden letters it always did. This was too obvious.

“Drink it,” Rainbow said.

“What?” Rarity asked, sounding completely beleaguered. “It’s just cider, Rainbow, I promise.”

“And I believe you,” Rainbow said with a nod, “but I gotta watch my back, y’know? Just prove that it’s not poison and I’ll accept your surrender.”

Rarity sighed, twisted off the top of the bottle, and poured several mouthfuls down her throat before levitating a kerchief out of her saddlebag and wiping her muzzle. She once again extended the bottle to Rainbow.

Rainbow smiled. Rarity wasn’t coughing, or gagging, or breaking out in hives. It really was cider.

Delicious, Sweet Apple Acres cider, and she'd let Rarity drink some of it. “Awesome,” she said as she grabbed the bottle and sucked down the beverage in one long gulp before burping loudly. It was delicious.

“Rnr, uxiu’e wnnv euqbb,” Rainbow said as she wiped her mouth with a hoof.

Rarity laughed. Why was Rarity laughing?

Wait… what had she just said?

“Rnr, uxiu’e wnnv – Rxiu uxk xis!?”

Rarity pulled a small vial out of her saddlebag and downing it in one gulp before resuming her laughter.. “You drank it! YOU  ACTUALLY DRANK IT!” she cackled.

Rainbow rammed her forehead into Rarity’s. “Rxiu vlv snq vn un hk!?”

Rarity sneered at her. “Isn’t it obvious, Rainbow? I just won our little war.”

Rainbow backed onto her haunches and glared. “Rxiu. Vlv. Snq. Vn. Un. Hk?”

Rarity shrugged. “It was quite easy, Rainbow. See, after you pulled your little ‘Bouillon Bomb’ on my shower, I had to get even. Of course, I knew there’d be no way you’d ever fall for a normal prank, so I had to get creative. So I went to see Twilight.”

Rainbow’s wings flared. “Urlylwxu xkydkv snq!?”

That snotty alicorn would pay for her betrayal.

“Of course, I didn’t tell her what I was doing,” Rarity continued, casually inspecting her hoof. “I simply asked to borrow the book, Supernaturals. Perhaps you’ve heard of it?”

Rarity swallowed hard. That was the book with the antidote to poison joke.

“I just told her some story about how I was doing research for a new fashion line, and I wanted to look at the masks pictured in the book for reference,” Rarity laughed. “She was more than willing to let me check it out. It was there I found the proper… weapon, shall we say, to end our little war.”

Rainbow closed her eyes. If whatever Rarity had done to her came from a book, there was probably a cure. This was no big deal.

“It was a complicated potion, but I’ve always been quite adept at following instructions, so I found preparing a batch to be rather elementary. Of course, as I’m sure you’ve no doubt guessed, there is a cure.”

Rainbow’s eyes shot open. “Skix, wpkiu dpitc, snq rlt, rxiu’e uxk aqpk?”

“See, the primary ingredient of the potion I gave you is a very rare herb known as Wordsbane. It doesn’t grow around here, so I knew the only place I’d be able to find it would be Zecora’s hut. While its uses are few, one of them is to help soothe a sore throat, particularly for singers; When I told Zecora that Big Macintosh and I needed some to help keep up with the Ponytones’ rigorous practice schedule, she was happy to give me all she had; Two doses.”

“En uxkpk’e itnuxkp vnek?”

“One, I used to prepare this cider. With the other, I made the antidote.”

Rainbow forced a nervous chuckle. “Itv tnr snq’pk wntti wlfk lu un hk, plwxu?”

“Did you perchance wonder what that little vial I just drank was?” Rarity said with a sly grin, pointing to the discarded piece of glassware.

Rainbow stopped chuckling. “Tn… Tn!” She leapt for the vial, holding it above her open mouth and banging on the end with a hoof, but it was no use; The antidote was all gone.

Rarity laughed again, this time far louder than before. “The next batch of Wordsbane likely to find its way to Ponyville should arrive some time this summer. It only grows in the late Spring out near Trottingham, after all.”

Rainbow gritted her teeth. This was okay. She just had to go find Twilight, get her to realize what happened, and have her find another way to cure her. Twilight knew everything, she’d be able to sort this out.

“Oh, and don’t even bother going to Twilight. Her copy of Supernaturals has already been sent to Fillydelphia on Inter-library loan, and won’t be back for at least a month, and Zecora’s copy… Let’s just say it’s missing a few pages? Even if you do manage to find a way to communicate with somepony, they won’t have any clue how to restore you to normal without it.”

Rarity began humming a tune as she walked over to the edge of the cloud and kicked what appeared to be one of Pinkie’s Spy Ladders over the edge. “It’s been a pleasure doing business with you, Rainbow dear. I’ll talk to you later? Oh, wait – I guess I won’t! Hahaha!”

Rainbow watched as Rarity’s jubilant face passed the horizon of the cloud and listened as her laughter slowly descended the ladder.

“You know,” Rarity said as she popped her head back into view, “because you can’t talk. That was the joke.”

“L wnu lu, uxitce,” Rainbow replied with all the venom she could muster.

Again Rarity’s laughter echoed around her as she once more descended the ladder.

“... Dntsbkiuxkpe,” Rainbow Dash muttered.