Fire and Ash

by spiritoffire3

Rating: mature
Tags: Dark, Human, Romance, Comedy
Length: 16875

A human wakes up in equestria to some very strange circumstances.

Jake is not your ordinary human, one day he is practicing a new spell with his master, and the next he awakens in a cell with a magical talking pony, this could get interesting.

(This is also my first time writing a story so any and all feed back is welcomed)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-17 21:51:29 UTC

Awakening

                Awakening

   The first thing I noticed when I awoke was pain and a lot of it. My head felt like it had been kicked by a horse. I quickly grabbed my head in my hands and hoped to squeeze the pain from my head.

When the pain began to subside I opened my eyes and was met with a face with overly large eyes mere inches from me “GAH !! what the fuck “ I screeched and tried to back away from the creature  only to be met with a spike of pain from my head . My hands shot to my head again in an attempt to crush the pain out of my skull, but to very little effect.

I sat there with my hands against my head hoping for the pain to go away, I mean seriously it felt like I was getting skull fucked by a drill,

Dozens of thoughts were rattling through my mind at that moment, the main thought being where the hell was I?

My train of thought was broken when a small voice spoke up from in front of me “are you OK?”

I decided to take another look but more slowly this time. My eyes lazily opened and focused on the thing in front of me, a small green horse.

I sat there staring at the green equine for a while longer before it opened its mouth again and spoke

“I said are you OK?” I just stared at it in disbelief, did it just talk to me ? Yep this had to be the weirdest dream I have ever had.

It was looking at me rather inquisitively, “No not really” I winced as I began cradling my head again.

The horse recoiled a bit at my statement probably surprised that I could speak “What are you?” he managed to squeak out in a tiny voice as he looked at me with surprise and a little fear.

Yep the horse was talking I had to be asleep right now, and now that I know I am asleep I will wake up any second now... any second... well shit.

He just stared at me waiting for and answer, well I think it was a he. I decided to just simply counter his question with one of my own “Why are you talking? Horses don't talk”

“I am no horse, I am a pony and what do you mean we don't talk? all pony's can talk.” he stated with a slight huff “ Now tell me, what are you ?”

OK this is some freaky shit, my head began to clear and clear thought's came to me a lot easier. “I'm a human.” I stated awkwardly as I couldn't take my eyes of the pony, I mean honestly how many times have you met a taking pony ? Dream or not.

We stared at each other for a few moments before I had a good look around the room we were in, it was small, damp and grey. The only thing in the cell other than us was what looked like a metal mug and to potato sacks. “Where am I?” I asked still looking around the room until my eyes focused on the metal bars to the left of me.

“We are in a work camp run by diamond dogs” he stated flatly “We are there… humble guests” he frowned at that part shaking his head slightly. “The names steel hoof, ex royal guard, and you are... ?

Should I tell him my name? Fuck it, this is just some weird ass dream anyway it couldn't hurt, could it ? “The names Jake, I'm a high school student ” He grunted

“That’s a strange name, what are you some kind of hairless monkey ?” he asked in a mocking tone.  Good now even figments of my imagination are making fun of me. I eyed him wearily getting a better view of him he seem to be standing at about four foot tall, a military green coat, light blue eyes and what appeared to be a tattoo of  two hooves on his ass.

“No I am not a monkey, I am a human” I stated flatly,

“Well then Mr monkey” he said with a grain, I growled “you'd best be getting used to your new life” wait what ? He seemed to notice the confusion on my face so he butted in before I could ask what he meant. “You are now a slave to put it simply, the diamond dogs will work me, you and everyone else in this camp to death”

OK now I was beginning to get a little bit worried, firstly I still hadn’t awoken from this god dam dream, second I was just told I would be worked to death buy some dog thing's and most importantly to me, I couldn’t feel my magic. Not being able to feel your magic after having it for so long is a very unsealing, it makes you feel weak and concerned, as if you have lost a part of your body like an arm or a leg. “how long have you been here?”

“I don't know” steel hoof  replied “ about five or six months is think, but I cant be sure.” He looked very solemn as he said the last few words. I couldn't help but feel sorry for him, I couldn't even begin to imagine what he had been through, but then again if what he said earlier was true I wouldn't need to imagine, I would be living it.

“Does magic work here?” I already knew it didn't, I was just hoping he would give me an explanation as to why it didn't work without letting him know I could use it.

“Yes it does work in this place” wait really? I thought, then why cant I feel mine ? “The diamond dogs have no need to worry about it because they don't take unicorns prisoners... they just kill them, even the children.”

“Why? Is magic really that dangerous here ?”

“It is very dangerous in the right hooves, but most unicorns don't know anything more than a simple levitation spell, when captured they just line them up and slit there throats in front of there families, like I said not even the children survive.”

I just sat there mouth agape, they would kill children just for having a horn?

“How many people are in this work camp and how many guards ?” I asked trying to keep my anger in check from what I just heard.

“I'm not sure, maybe thirty ponies and one maybe two Minotaur’s” steel hoof sighed before continuing “ as far as guards go, I’m not entirely sure, I think it would be close to about seventy or maybe eighty, but that's just a guess there could easily be more.”

I sighed before I began to think, eighty guards that’s more of a small army than a guard, force, there goes any plans of a daring escape and jumping over a fence on a motor bike to freedom.

The ringing of a bell from down the hall broke me from my thoughts, steel hoof frowned “Well, time to get to work.” he slowly turned round and headed to the cell door. “Are you coming?” he said as he motioned for to stand. As I was about to ask him why loud shouting and growling could be heard coming towards the cell. “I said get up!” steel hoof hissed I groggily obeyed, I tried getting to my feet, this simple task being made near impossible with my headache and sudden dizziness from sitting down for so long. I slowly walked to the door and looked at the being out side.

It was at this point I got a first look at one of my captors, it stood at about five and a half feet, was covered in dark grey fur, had large yellow eyes and what appeared to me a metal helmet. The last thing I noticed was the large spear he had in his right hand, well paw to be precise.

He just stared at me blankly for a second, probably wondering what I was, “Yes ,you dig, you dig.” it croaked in voice that hurt my ears. it stared at me for a few moments before headed of to another cell. That thing was fucking ugly I thought.

“What happens now” I asked steel hoof who was just staring down at his own hooves.

“We work” he stated bluntly “we work until our backs break.”

and that we did, no more than five minutes after my encounter with the dog we were being funnel into the hall along with all the other prisoners. There had to be about twenty ponies in the hall way, they all seemed to have a different colour of coat, some had red coats others and blue some even had black coats. What I found most surprising was a few of them had wings, I mean if a talking pony was possible in this dream then why not a talking Pegasus.

We where forced down the hallway into a very large cavern, It was about ten meters high, twenty meters wide and had an assortment of tunnels leading into it. We entered from one of the larger tunnels that was closer to the cavern wall. the walls appeared to be covered in hundreds of gems. Pickaxe's littered the floor around it as well as two large mining carts for the gem's.

“Hurry up ponies, DIG!” a diamond dog screeched from behind.

I watched the ponies around me walk forward and pick up the pickaxes and get to work on the gems. how the ponies managed to use the picks with the their hooves was beyond me, but then again I was in mine full with talking multi coloured ponies, as well as talking dogs.

I stood there in wonder for a moment at their work, they looked like zombies. my thoughts were interrupted by the shaft of a spear hitting the back of my knee. “What are you waiting for get digging” the dog screeched I waddled over to a pick and quickly got to work, stupid fucking dog I muttered.

“I would do what they say.” a small Pegasus whisperer “You won't last long if you defy them.” I looked at her for a moment then glanced back at the dog who hit me, what kind of fucked up dream was this I pondered as I got to work on the rock face.

Why haven't I woken up yet? I thought, I mean it is all a dream right?

Well lets think the last thing I remember was my master trying out a new spell, a short range teleportation spell I guess that could have fucked up terribly, the old idiot was always getting into things he couldn't  fully understand, I mean I love my master like a father but sometimes he just becomes to involved with something he doesn’t understand. And if the reason for me being here was the spell... the this is no dream.

FUCK

Could all this be real? It didn't seem very logical, but then again neither was magic and I could do that.

I hammed the pick into the wall trying to vent my anger, it was very tiring work for someone who did very little strenuous activity. I did this for god know how many hours, we moved from one place to the next. Never talking, talking got you hit over the head with a spear, I found this out first hand when I tried talking to steel hoof.

After hours of work we were led back to our cells and locked up for another night, but it was then I noticed something, a very small tingling in my hands, my power was returning.

“Do you work like that every day?” I asked steel hoof as he sat against the far wall trying to get some rest.

“Yeah every day” he sighed “So tell me a bit more about your self monkey, we didn’t get a chance earlier to become properly acquainted.” he seemed to perk up at the last part.

“My name is steel hoof, as you already know. Before I was captured and locked up here I was a corporal in the royal guard, our job is to keep the country safe from all the terrors that lurk in the dark as well as guarding the princesses.” he finished the last part buy puffing out his chest as if he was extremely proud of it. “Now its your turn.”

I sighed “fine, my name is Jake, I am seventeen years old and attend high school, I live a very normal life.” I thought it would be best to miss out the part about me being able to do magic, to be on the safe side. I mean if they killed children just because of a horn on their head , I wondered what they would do to someone like me. Fucking savages

“Where are you from?” he asked “I have never seen anything like you before”

Wait, he has never seen a human before? That’s not very comforting, ”I come from planet called earth, I come from a country called Scotland to be more precise, now onto a more pressing matter, how do we get out of here?”

Best Laid Plans

                Best Laid Plans

“Escape, aha” he proceeded to burst in uncontrolled laughter right in front of me”you wouldn't believe how many times ponies have said that to me, the conversation all ways ends the same way,if you try and escape you will die its that simple” I frowned “Oh get rid of that look your new here so ill tell you about what happened to the last group of so called escapists,”

Steel cleared his throat then continued “ About three months ago a group of eight ponies and one Minotaur decided to try and escape, the plan was going very well until they got spotted by a guard they hadn’t planed for' you see the shifts change all the time so you cant plan for one, anyway they then got caught and they were used to make an example ….”

He paused for a few moments before continuing “We were all awoken and taken to the main chamber, they made us stand in a line and watch as they slit the survivors throat's, one of them was just five years old, no one has planed an escape since then”

It was at this point he began to stare of into the distance thoughtfully. I couldn't believe it, they executed prisoners, and a child at that. Yes I most definitely wanted to kill every dog I could find right now.

Steel hoof quickly broke out of his trance “Don't go thinking about some glorious escape,it will just end with you and many more ponies dead,” he sighed “ You might be able to pull it of if we had magic, but we can't without any unicorns.”

I perked up at that statement, would he be willing to give it a go if he knew I could do magic? Or would he just call the guards in hope for a reward ? I though for a few moments “ Would you be willing to try if we had someone who can do magic?”

“I would be willing but like I said we don't have any unicorns”

I was about to tell him what I meant but I was interrupted by the ringing of another bell, I glanced down at steel hoof about to ask what that meant but he cut in probably anticipating what I was going to ask “It means we are about to get some food, I hope.”

Thank god I’m starving, as if on cue my stomach grumbled as screamed for food. A dog was passing down the corridor handing out bowls of... something. I took one of the bowls that it had placed just in side the cell and give it a sniff, it smelt like grass, even though it looked like a brown paste.

I scooped up a bit on my finger and took a taste, and instantly spat it out “ This tastes like fucking grass”

“That's because it is grass” steel replied “ why? What do you monkeys eat?”

I sighed for the last time I'm not a monkey, I am a human and we can eat many things, fruit, veg, steak but best of all is bacon.

“What's bacon?”

“Bacon is the meat of a Pig” my lips began to water at that, what I would do for a nice bacon sandwich.

Steel flinched at that “So you’re a carnivore then” he wheezed out and began backing away.

It as rather humorous really, I considered shouting boo very loudly but that would have just been sadistic.

“Don't worry I don't eat pony” steel relaxed at this “But then again, things change” I said with a predatory grin

his face dropped, I tried keeping a straight face as long as possible, the silence didn't last long before I burst into laughter. “ha-ha you should see your face, priceless!”

Steel blinked a few times “Wait so your not going to eat me?”

“Of course I wouldn't eat you, I'd never eat anything that can talk.” And I meant that I would never eat something that could talk, unless maybe my life depended on it.

I needed something to break the ice, “ You have any family?” that sounded good but the look steel gave me told me other wise

“I don't want to talk about it”

“OK” was all I could muster after the look he gave me, that killed all hopes of a conversation.

After a few minutes of silence I yawed realising I hadn't gotten any sleep in what felt like 1thirteen hours I picked up the potato sack and rested it against the wall as a make shift pillow. I placed my head against it, I hope this is just some crazy dream that I will wake up from none the wiser tomorrow I thought before I drifted into a dreamless sleep.

“Well fuck” I groaned “guess this isn’t some fucked up dream after all” my body ached from sleeping on the hard floor, why couldn’t this have all just been some weird dream. But then again the universe always seemed to hate me, no matter where I was.

I turned my head to find steel hoof sleeping in a similar way,

I could feel my magic returning now, it was faint but it was most definitely there. Soon I would be back at full power. Maybe I should test it now. I picked out a small stone on the opposite side of the cell and focused on it. Stretched out my hand and focused on lifting it in the air, the stone slowly raised into the, before shooting out of my control into the ceiling leaving a small hole along with aloud bang.

I sat there mouth agape, I didn't put that much power into it, that shouldn’t have happened. My musing on the matter was cut short by steel hoof muttering “what the buck was that” before pushing himself up into a sitting position.

He stared at me looking for an explanation to what the noise was.”I don't know, one of the guards down the hall maybe?” I probably said a little to quickly.

He was about to say something before dogs began running into the hall checking all the cells for any sign of a break out. When they got to my cell he eyed me warily, my heart was trying to rip out of my chest at the speed it was beating, please don't look at the ceiling I thought as it began unlocking the door.

The dog entered flanked by two other guards, he walked right up to me his eyes never leaving mine. “I don't like being stared at, ape”

I opened my mouth to humour him but was stooped in my tracks as a heavily armoured paw smashed into my stomach. The air left my lungs as I fell to the ground. It let out a grunting laugh before leaving the cell and locking it behind him.

After a few moments of enduring the agony I tried getting up into a sitting position only to be met with more pain.

“Are you OK? “ a small voice whispered to my left, it was steel. He walked over began helping me into a sitting position.

“Yeah I’m OK, my magic will heal any internal damage.” oh shit, please don't notice the last part, please, please, please.

“Wait you can do magic?” he asked shocked “ How? They kill anything that can do magic.”

Well I guess keeping a secret now is impossible, stupid fucking brain

“I guess its a good thing they haven’t seen a human before then, isn’t it.”

The pain in my stomach was fading now but it was still incredibly painful, stupid fucking dog.

We sat in silence for a before we heard the familiar ringing of a bell that signified the star of out day.

And that's how things went for the longest of times, get up talk for a bit work until my hands bled, got back to the cell and eat that green shit and talk until we would fall asleep. But every day I got stronger not just in magic but physically to. Mining is hard work after all, and that’s how things would have stayed day after day until a guard made one very large mistake. He made me very angry, there is one major rule where I come from, and that’s never make a sorcerer angry.

Me and steel were being lead back to our cell like every other day but something was of, steel looked pained , I mean we are slaves working against our will, but he looked depressed beyond belief. Once we were back in our cell I decided to press the matter. “what's wrong?” I asked flatly I couldn't really think of anything else to say really.

Steel looked at me with a very vacant look him “ I have been here for about eight months now, I have been keeping count, no pony has ever survived for longer than that... they get taken away and never seen again, I think they must just kill them, I mean after eight months of non stop labour the body becomes weak. On those day's we hear laughing from the main hall, I hate to think what happens in there to ponies.”

“You know” I butted in “ we could speed up our plans,”

“NO! We keep to the plan, It might just be a coincidence, I hope.” He said that a little to quickly, as if he hadn't even given it a thought.

I Stayed silent ,I wanted to press the matter but I had learnt by now that if steel set his mind to something then he was going to do it. Beside in three days we would launch our plan for escape and be home free.

Our plan was simple wait until my powers had returned and make a break for it. Some fucking plan wasn’t it. We were planning on waiting till morning and then “attempt” to disarm the guards and get the keys. After that... well we hadn’t really planed that far ahead we were pretty much just going on the lines of “fuck it what could possibly go wrong” when you say things like that things never go as planned

Blood Bath

Blood Bath

I awoke the next day feeling a small amount of excitement, in two days we would put or escape plant to the test, well our sort of plan. Get out and kill everything was a plan right ?

My feeling of excitement evaporated when I noticed I was alone in the cell. where was he? Then it dawned on me, his eight months were up, no he had been joking about that right?.. right ?

How did I not hear them take him? A throbbing pain in the back of my head shook me from my thoughts, a large bump was on the back of my head, did someone hit me? But I don’t remember being hit. I racked my memory in hope that I could shed some light on the matter but I was getting no ware.

“Please don't be dead.” I muttered to my self, as I began to tear up.

That same fucking bell began to ring, the same bell that rings every day as the guards come to get us up and to work. My cell door was unlocked but I just sat there staring forward.

“Get up monkey, you dig” the dog said as it waited for me to stand

“Not until you tell me what happened to my friend” I growled

The dog smiled “the pony has been... taken care of”

My heart sank, he was dead, I failed him, he was dead because I took to long, I took to long to get my powers back.

I stood and walked over to the cell door stopping inches from the guard, most of the ponies and already left and were waiting in the hall for instructions.

I stared directly at the guard “your turn.” I gabbed the guard by the neck and through him into the cell. He fell to the ground and I was upon him before he could react, smashing my fists and elbows into the side of his head. A loud crunch signified that his nose had been broke and he howled in pain, I stopped his screaming my grabbing his head and twisting it to the side violently, a satisfying snap echoed through the cell as I dropped his bloodied head to the ground.

I grinned as I stared at his mutilated head before spitting on him, what was left of him anyway.

I picked up his spear and waited for the next dog to come check where the scream had come from, it didn't take long, the dog turned to face me in the cell but it was to late, I plunged the spear into his head smashing it into his skull thus a loud thump. I removed the spear from his head and he crumpled to the floor with a hole where is nose used to be.

The pony’s in the hallway gasped and turned away at the gruesome site. I couldn't help but smile, after many long weeks of pain and hunger, revenge felt good, very good. I picked up the fallen dogs sword and carried on down the hallway passing the mortified ponies.

I glanced back “this is your one chance at freedom, I suggest you take it.”

I started to march down the hallway again, but this time I was met with the sound of shuffling hooves.

“What's your plan?” a small brown earth stallion asked

“Simple” I replied “ release the surviving Minotaur and kill anything that gets in our way”

The stallion grinned at this. We headed of into the direction of where the other cells were, there weren’t many in this are, only three cells, one for the surviving Minotaur and the other's were empty.

We stopped at the opening for the hallway and I peered in. the Minotaur was being lead by four dogs with spears pointing at its back just in case it decided to do anything rash.

“How many?” the stallion from before asked

“Four guards armed with spears” I quickly took another peak and got ready ”one appears to have some kind of horn, he dies first” he nodded and got into what I would assume is a fighting position. I breathed in heavily feeling all the death around me, letting it power me, god you gotta love necromancy. The feeling it produces is cold but scarily powerful.

Without warning I jumped from my spot against the wall into the full view of the hallways. The guard with the horn didn't even get to blink before I swung a wave of shadows severing him from the waist down. The Minotaur took this as his chance to swing his fist into the nearest guard knocking him to the floor, before he could react the Minotaur started hammering bone crushing punches into its face. The surviving dogs were stunned at the bloody display around them. They tried to react but I was quicker, I ran to the closet guard sending the spear into its chest. As It fell down to the ground with a howl I sent another wave of shadows at him catching him in the chest making him fall backwards.

I walked over to the howling dog, I brought my boot down onto its head and a loud crunch signified its death.

Glanced over in the direction of the Minotaur, staring at the guard it had disposed of, all that was left was a mutilated corpse with bones sticking out at weird angles, OK new rule don’t piss one of these guys off I thought.

“You OK” I asked the Minotaur who was now looking back and fourth between me and the dead guards around me

“I am fine, but I did not require any of your assistance with these dogs”

I smiled at that “ OK but we best get moving more guards will probably be on there way”

I began walking in the direction of the main cave in hopes that would lead us to the way out. I now had a small gathering with me, a dozen or so ponies that looked like they were all about to be sick apart from the brown stallion who had a sadistic smile on his face and the single Minotaur who had grabbed one of the guards spears on the way.

We were making good time towards the main hall, but I began to feel uneasy, we hadn't came across another guard for about five minutes .

I turned to the group “ does anyone know a quicker way out of this mine than having to go through all these tunnels?” silence filled the hall “I guess that's a no then” I sighed as I began walking down the hall again.

I'm going to kill them all I thought especially for what they did to steel.

The opening to the main cave was in site  and it couldn’t have been a better place for an ambush. I stopped and looked on “well that's definitely a trap anyone have any  ideas” I asked, no one spoke up. That’s not good.

“I think there is a back way, I have seen some dogs using while we were mining.” a red pegasus mare answerer. “I can try and lead you there.” I nodded and she turned around and headed into another tunnel, we followed her for about fifteen minutes before we came to a tunnel overlooking the cave at the opposite side. I peered over the ledge to find  several dogs about five feet below us crouched behind a rock. I thought steel said the cave was guarded by a small army.

I looked at the Minotaur “ think we can take them?” I said with a smile, he gave a quick smirk before launching himself from the hallway onto the group of unsuspecting guards. I followed quickly landing on top of a guard snapping its neck before It could even react. By this time the Minotaur had already killed two other guards.

I stabbed another dog in the chest with a fallen sword at my feet before tackling another one sending it to the ground. I finished it of with a quick slash to its throat with the sword ending its howling.

By this time the Minotaur had finished off the last of the guards and was breathing heavily. I motioned for the ponies to come down when they didn't my stomach dropped. I turned round to see dozens of guards had shown up.

Without warning the Minotaur charged the nearest group taking four of the guards of their feet as it began pummelling another one, this didn’t last long as guards descended on it like a pack of ravage wolves. The Minotaur slowed then came to a halt as it bled from countless stab and slash wounds.

I backed off as I tried to charge my magic. I succeeded in throwing a wave of shadows toward the group and killed the Minotaur killing three of them instantly. As I was about to send another wave of energy towards the dogs, I was hit in the head with something hard. The world went blurry as I fell to the ground and every thing went black.

Hospitalised

                                    Hospitalised

I awoke to find me sitting on something soft and wet, wait soft,wet I opened my eyes to a blinding sun and quickly shutting them again, that fucking hurt. I tried opening my eyes again slowly this time. I blinked the blur from my eyes and had a loo round.

I was lying in a grass field covered in morning dew. The memories of the battle came flooding back to me, am I dead? I though, I could clearly remember being hit on the back of the head. My worries were left behind as I sat up and took in the view, I was beautiful, rolling green hills as far as the eye could see with snow peaked hill tops in the distance. I took a large breath of air enjoying every second of it. When you are locked under ground for so long its the little things that you miss like the sun on your skin and the feeling of a slow breeze. This is the life I thought

I don't know how long I sat there for, and to be honest I didn't care. A small glint in the distance caught my eye, in the distance there appeared to be a small house. I hope dogs live there I though, I'd like to kill more of them, ugly mutts. that left me with another problem how did I escape? They wouldn’t have just dumped me out here thinking I was dead would they?

I began to walk in the distance of the small cottage. As I got closer I could make out small distinctions about it, it was raised on a little hill with a windy path leading up to the door. It looked a lot like a tree to be honest, it had a hose shape but it roof looked like it was made from leaves. Another thing that caught my eye was a large number of bird houses dotted about the are, must be a bird person.

I walked up to the door and knocked, probably a bit to hard mind you. I Waited a few seconds , I guess no one is home. I was about to walk away as I heard the door unlock, a small yellow pegasus poked her head through a small gap she made, she looked at me and screamed before slamming the door into my face. I Feel to the floor as my vision became dark, fuck not again I internally screamed before passing out.

The first thing I noticed when I awoke was a slow beeping. I opened my eyes and found a white roof staring back at me. I Turned to my left to find a heart monitor beeping away, I wasn't hit that hard was I? I mean I feel completely fine.

I looked to my left and could see another pony covered head to tail on bandages, it was like something out of a cartoon. I sat there for the longest time in hopes that someone would come by to check on me so I could ask what was going on, they never did.

Well fuck this, time to leave, I reached over and grabbed the needle in my arm giving it a yank. Gah that fucking hurt. The heart monitor unlashed a torrent of sound. A pony nurse ran into the room at full speed until he caught eye of me sitting up. I grinned “looks like I'm dead then”

She screamed and fled from the room, shouting about some monster. To be honest I should have expected that. The sound of hooves faded from the hallway only to reaper moments later. As two large white stallions entered with spears drawn, they where clothed in golden armour, they looked like pony versions of Roman centurions. They stared at me for a few moments before the sound of more hooves rattled down the hall way.

Six ponies turned the corner and stopped mid step when they saw me. There was two unicorns, two earth ponies one wearing a Stetson, and above them was a cyan pegasus staring daggers at me, and lastly there was the pony from earlier who slammed the door in my face. This was just getting better and better,they all had some kind of necklace around their necks except the purple pony who had some kind of crown.

“Stay back miss sparkle, It could be dangerous” a guard spoke, still holding the spear in my direction. The ponies visibly took a step back at this except from the blue one who seemed content to stand her ground.

“The princesses said they couldn't get here for another two days” the purple unicorn spoke “They are having problems with diamond dogs on the borders.”

I growled at the mention of diamond dogs ,filthy mutts, the ponies flinched at this and took a step back apart from the two guards who came even closer. The spears were no more than two feet from my neck.

“You know” I spoke up ”You could poke someone eye out with that”

They all gasped “ It can speak!” the purple unicorn spoke up, she paused the continued “What are you?”

“I am human, my name is Jake its a pleasure to meet you miss...”

“Miss Sparkle, Twilight Sparkle “

I smiled “hello Twilight mind telling these guards to stop pointing sharp things at me before things get messy.” I turned to the guards giving them a toothy grin.

“ We have got it from here fine sirs, you may leave us”

“Yes miss sparkle.” they gave her a worried look before stepping out the room back into the corridor.

She must be rather powerful if she can tell two royal guards to just pack up and leave, it would be best to play it safe, for the moment anyway.

“I am going to ask you some questions and you are going to answer them, is that clear” twilight stated in a very dangerous tone. I nodded. I didn't want to tempt fate to many times today.

“What are you,where are your from and why did you go to Fluttershy's house.” I guess that fluttershy was the yellow pegasus cowering behind the others, her names fits her personality perfectly then.

“Like I said before I am a human, my name is Jake and I'm 17 years old. I am from a planet called earth, I'm from a county called Scotland to be precise. And as to why I was at fluttershy's house, I awoke in a field after being locked underground in a cell for weeks upon end, forced to work against my will.” the girls gasped at that “I went there looking for help only to get a door swung into my face. That reminds me why am in hospital I couldn't have been hurt that bad.”

I looked at there stunned faces for a moment, it was rather funny.

“What do you mean you were forced to work to work against your will?” twilight asked “ Slavery is illegal in Equestria”  that's a stupid name for a county.”

“Well you best tell the dogs that because they didn't get the memo,” I sighed and let out a loud yawn showing my canines, the girls flinched “ If you don't mind I'm very tired and would like to get some sleep.” Twilight nodded before heading out the room with the others. I could here murmurs and whispers from the girls went quiet. I rested my head against the soft pillow until I fell asleep, what have I gotten my self into this time?

I was rudely awoken from my slumber by three little voices.

“This isn't a good idea scoots. what if it eats us.” A little voice asked from underneath the bed I was on.

“Quiet sweetie bell, your going to wake it up”

I stayed motionless. I wonder what they are planning to do? It was at that moment three little ponies jumped from the shadows landing on my chest, I let out an audible grunt from the force they hit me.  A orange filly with purple hair had a wooden sword pointed at me, she had a determined look on her face. The two other ponies on my chest also had toy swords pointed at me but looked rather scared.

“That's not very nice” I said “ someone could get hurt” I grinned at the small ponies, the purple one  looked me in the eyes “we will meet again.” They jumped off me and ran from the room. Well that was completely random. I think it would be best if I ask about them tomorrow, I tried falling back to sleep but I was plagued with the same thought, why wasn't I dead and how did I escape the mine. These thought soon passed as I fell back into a peaceful sleep.

                                          Somewhere in the distance

In the distance two eyes watched the hospital window with great interest “Oh don’t worry little human, I have very big plans for you” It said with a toothy grin.

A New Home

A New Home

I was walking through tall white halls, shattered and broken statues littered the floor, the windows were no more, just gaping holes in the walls. I wandered the halls taking in the view. Scorch marks littered the walls, it looked like a battle ground. Blood and body’s coated the hallway like a piece of abstract art.

Two large doors appeared in front of me and I pushed them open. The room led into a large white room with a throne in the back, bodies hundreds of them, littered the floor, most had been burned or cut to ribbons, all clothed in golden armour with all manner of weapons resting around them.

But what really got caught my eye was Twilight and her friends, they were coated in blood, head to tail, and most definitely dead. A croaking laughter echoed through out the room. I looked up to see a wisp of shadow then blinding light white light.

I shot up from my bed holding my chest where the shadows would have impacted. I was breathing heavily and covered in a cold sweat. I looked around at the familiar library walls giving of a great sigh, thank fuck that was only a dream, I sat there for a few moments letting my breath come under control.

I looked around the room thinking to my self, yep the same old spare room. After I had been released from hospital I needed a place to stay and Twilight offered me her spare room on two conditions, one that I didn’t try and eat any of the ponies and two she got to ask any and all the questions she wanted, and by god did she. On my first day here I must have been answering questions for around eight hours on topics ranging from politics – I hated that part , to weapons. And I wouldn’t be surprised I have another round of questioning today.

I got up and put on my ruined trousers and top before having a look in the mirror. I looked mostly the same before I had gotten here with the exception of being a lot thinner, my long brown hair had gotten a few grey strands since the last time I checked and my blue eyes also had a little bit of grey in them. Not that I cared much any ways. When I opened the door I was met with the lovely smell of cooking, my mouth watered as I Walked down the stairs with a spring in my step at the thought of a nice breakfast.

When I reached the bottom I was met with a dishevelled looking Twilight sipping on a cup of coffee, she was definitely not a morning pony. Spike was humming away happily in the kitchen wearing his favourite apron, it was white with pink frills and had a love heart in the centre. He walked over to the table with a frying pan placing some pancakes on a plate for twilight before turning to me.

“Sup Jake get a good sleep?”

“Yes I did thank you Spike, would you mind making me some pancakes as well ?”

“Yeah, will do” he turned around and waddled back to the kitchen, probably to make more pancakes. I sat at the table across from Twilight, she looked like shit, she had large bags under her eyes, her main was a complete mess shooting off in random directions.

“You know” I said “If you are like this every morning you really need to get more sleep” and I wast joking, she looked scary like this, a little demented.

“What huh?” she asked groggily as she looked up from the coffee cup. “Oh good morning Jake, and don't worry I'm fine I was just up late studying.” Almost falling back to sleep as she said it.”

“I know you were up late studying, 3 am late, I mean its about 7 o’clock in the morning, you only had about four hours sleep, that can’t be healthy.” She grunted a response

I was rather worried about her, since I got here she has been the only pony to show me any kindness, the yellow one that put me in hospital wont stop saying she's sorry though, no matter how many times I said I was okay. That reminds me I was apparently in hospital for a cracked skull or something stupid, nothing was wrong with me, damn doctors cant to there job on this planet either.

“Twilight, when will the princesses be here? In the hospital you said they would only be two days, it has been four.” The princesses were supposedly coming to speak to me and determine weather or not I was a threat to them, but they were two days late and I was beginning to get anxious, maybe they where getting an execution detail ready? Or maybe they forgot their passports or something, I really hope its the last one.

“They have been delayed, a dog mine was attacked and completely destroyed by some kind of monster, no one survived, they are helping the dogs in any way they can to try and boost the dogs opinion of them.”

Oh shit. They didn’t mean me did they? I mean I killed a lot of guards but I didn’t destroy an entire mine, maybe that’s how I escaped, would the monster that attacked just let me go afterwards ?

“Jake, Jake!!” Twilight shouted “Are you OK, you sort of zoned out for a second” I realised I had been staring into open space. “Do you think it might have been the same dogs that held you captive?” could it have been the same dogs that held me captive?

“I have no idea, the last thing I remember was being hit in the back of the head, I sure as hell didn't see any monster” And that was the truth. I tried to shift the conversation to a new topic “So, do you have any idea when the princesses will show up to cast their judgement upon me ?” I asked hoping the diamond dog topic would be forgotten.

“They will be here within the week, And they are not coming to cast judgement upon you. After all you are the first of your kind we have ever seen so it is no surprise they would want to talk to you.” Maybe they would just send the heads man then, well heads pony.

I sighed I knew I was exaggerating but I still felt extremely nervous. Its not every day you meet royalty after all.

“So what's on the agenda today?” I asked, changing the topic again. Over the past few days I haven’t been allowed out side and my entire day consists of answering Twilights questions, and like I said they are a lot of questions.

“Firstly we need to get you to carousel boutique and get you a fresh set of clothes”  carousel boutique was the shop that Rarity worked at Rarity was one of Twilights friends, twilight says she would always help a friend in need, but then again I wasn’t a friend. “After that I still have a lot more questions I need to be answered” She used her hoof to indicate a stack of papers on a small table to her right. That was a fuckton of questions.

Spike wandered back through with another plate of pancakes and set them out in front of me. “Thanks spike, your cooking is awesome ” And It was, his cooking was outstanding even if it was just vegetarian crap.

“Think nothing of it” he said before walking back into the kitchen to do the washing up.

“When are we heading to carousel boutique?” I asked twilight, before starting to eat my pancakes, Best pancakes ever!

“In about thirty minutes” she replied “ I still have some cleaning up to.”

I nodded a reply as a chewed on my pancakes, maybe today wouldn’t be so bad after all.

“aaahhhh!!!!, its going to eat us, every pony run for your lives?” A pony shouted before bolting down the street. Followed by every other pony that was staring at me. This was going well I thought as me and twilight walked towards carousel boutique. Twilight wasn’t being phased at all by the ponies reactions she just kept her head straight and marched on.

We were walking for about ten minutes before we came to carousel boutique. It was a tall building that would easily be described as girly. The walls were painted a light blue, the roofs were  pink with purple diamonds, it even had a flag attached at the top of the shop.

We walked up to the purple door and twilight lightly knocked.

“Come on in” A regal voice shouted from inside, we stepped in side and I had a look around. The room was filled with mannequins, and lots of them. Rarity stood by a mannequin, humming over a dress she was making.

“I'll  be with you in just a second” she said in a rather posh accent “There all done!” she turned to us and flinched when she saw me, I wasn't that ugly was I? “Oh hello dears, what can I do for you today” she asked in a forced cheery voice.

“We need to get Jake some new clothes, His current ones are ruined and he refuses not to wear them, because of some silly human nudity taboo.”

“Of course darling. Go stand on the podium please” she motioned for me to go stand on a little podium, no more than one foot high. I walked over and stood there, she took out a measuring tape and got to work. “What kind of clothes are you looking for?” she asked continuing to take  measurements then writing them down on a small note pad.

“Something similar to what I'm wearing” I looked down at my self  “Just not as, damaged.” my current clothes were ruined, it was amazing that they didn’t fall apart the and there.

“OK I'm all done, now if you will excuse me I need to get on with my work, comeback tomorrow to pick them up” she ushered us out the door and closed it behind us.

“Well that was quick” I said turning to Twilight who had a bemused loom on her face.

“That was unlike rarity, she must be very busy today.” Or she just hates me, and I'm rather sure on what one it was.

“Yeah maybe” I said rather unconvinced.

“OK we best get back to the library before you cause a scene.” I  stared at her, she didn’t seem to notice “Besides I have more questions for you.” Oh fun.

We walked back to library without any incidents, all the ponies must be hiding in their houses, I felt a small bit of pride from that. When we got back and settled, twilight took out a note book and sat down, I was dreading the next part, Hours upon hours of questions. She must have noticed the look on my face. “Don't worry, I don't have that many questions for today.” Thank fuck. “only around seventy today.” What have I done to deserve this.

I sighed “OK fire away.”

And so she did we rattled through dozens on questions on all different topics until she asked one in particular.

“OK question fifty seven, can humans use any form of magic?” Well, it was bound to be asked eventually. Well here it goes.

“No we cant use magic, Magic doesn’t even exist were I come from.” she gasped hopefully buying my lie.

“Really? No magic at all ?” she asked in disbelief.

“None, unless there is and I’m unaware of it but that extremely unlikely with the technology we have, especially the internet.” I tried explaining the internet to here earlier but I gave up when she continued stating that it was impossible.

I think it would be best to hide my ability to do magic, for the moment anyway, maybe they would warm up to me faster thinking I was a bit safer, even though I could kill most of them with a flick of my wrist.

She scribbled what I said down onto the note pad before moving onto the next question, then the next, then the next, then... well you get the idea.

I had a lot of questions of my own, like how I had gotten into the colourful world in the first place, but what was really bugging me were the tattoos they all had on their flanks, like I mean all of them except some of the children, was it some kind of coming of age thing?

“Twilight” I butted in before she could ask another question “ Why ponies have tattoos on their flanks?” She looked surprised, very surprised.

“Wait do humans get cutie marks?”

“Cutie what?” it couldn’t really be called a “cutie” mark could it, that was unbelievably gay.

She instantly went into lecture mode “A pony gets a cutie mark when he or she finds her special talent, as you can see my cutie mark is a six pointed star, the star symbolises that my special talent is magic. And Rarity's cutie mark is three diamonds meaning her special talent is making clothes” yeah because that made perfect sense, how could three diamonds mean your special talent is making clothes.

“So all ponies get them eventually?”

“Yeah. Wait, if humans don't have a cutie mark how do they know what their special talent is?” she added quickly.

“I guess we just sort of know, I guess my special talent would be sleeping, I like sleeping”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “That's not a real talent.”

“How do you know its not a talent from were I come from ?”

“Is it a talent from where you come from?” she asked  curiously.

“Nah I'm just fucking with ya” I smiled as she rolled her eyes for a second time.

She was about to respond as someone knocked at the door.

“Are you expecting anyone?” I asked

“No I'm not, hold on I'll go check who it.” she got up and waddled to the door. As she opened it her eyes went wide.

“Hello my faithful student, may I come in?”

The princesses had arrived.

A Meeting With Royalty

           A Meeting With Royalty

Shit, I thought they weren’t coming for the better part of a week. This is not good, this is not good at all. Maybe I can make a run for the window, yeah ill do that.

Before I could put my plan into action a very large white pony entered the room. She stood at around seven foot, had a white horn as well as a pair of wings. Her mane and tail was made op of multiple different colours, much like a rainbow, that flowed in the wind almost like water. Her eyes were pink with a small tint of purple to them. Her cutie mark was a large sun, I guess it fits with the role of goddess of the sun. Apparently she can move the sun and the moon, what bullshit.

“Hello Jake” well there goes my chance of escape. “I have heard a lot about you, please sit.” It was at this point I notice I had gotten up from my seat and was facing the window ready to make my escape, so close.

I reluctantly sat down and waited for her to continue. She stood in front of me, she dwarfed me in my sitting position. She stared at me examining everything about me. Maybe she is considering on what axe to use.

“Greetings Jake I am princess Celestia, my sister was meant to accompany me but she has been caught up in other affairs. And so I am here to determine if you are a threat to my subjects.” This can only end badly. “I am going to ask some questions and you are going to answer them truthfully. Is that understood?” The last few words had a threatening tone to them.

I nodded, from what twilight has told me she is the most powerful living thing on the planet and it would be best not to upset her.

“OK for a start how did you arrive in Equestria, Twilight has mentioned the story of your enslavement in her letters to me but I would like to hear it for my self. Can you please start from the beginning.” It was a statement not a question, I sighed I dint like to think about the weeks in the mines but I guess I had to.

I explained fully how I got here, I did miss the bit about magic out though. I started of by explaning my encounter with steel hoof and his demise, to my failed escape attempt that found me alone in a random field, and how the first pony I talked to accidentally put me in hospital. I also mentioned Twilights never ending list of questions.

Twilight blushed when I brought up the never ending list part, it was rather adorable in away. For the whole time though Celestia never spoke a word. She just looked motionless, like a owl sitting in the dark.

“What you have told me is very troubling Jake, Are you 100 percent sure that it was the dogs that ran the mine?”

“Yes, the dogs definitely ran the mine, well unless it was run by someone else and they only used dog workers but I seriously doubt that.”

“Another thing I find rather worrying is your sell mate, I have no memory of any steel hoof in the royal guard.” Wait, what. Steel said he was a guard, he wouldn't have lied would he?

“When I return to Canterlot I will personally check for a steel hoof in our guard files, just in case I am mistaken. Now Twilight I would very much like a cup of tea.” Her mood changed instantly to a rather cheery one as if everything we had just talked about vanished.

“Yes princess, I will be right back.” Twilight quickly walked into the kitchen and began preparing the tea.

Once twilight left Celestia turned to me with a neutral expression on her face. “Now tell me more about your self. Twilight mentioned a few things about you in the letters but not much.”

“What would you like to know?”

“Tell me more about your life before you entered Equestria.”

“Well my life was rather boring really.” Of course I was lying through my teeth, magic made life very interesting but I think that should stay a secret for now. “I went to an ordinary high school, had ordinary friends and pretty much lived an ordinary life. This is by far the most interesting thing that has ever happened to me, then again nothing can really beat magical talking horses when it comes to something interesting.”

She smiled at that “ yes I guess it would be rather strange” she said giving a little giggle, I was not expecting that. She is a princess after all. Maybe this wont end with my head on a spike after all.

“If you don't mind me asking where is princess Luna?” I asked before she could recover from her giggling.

“She is currently in the castle, we have... a lot of things to catch up on.” Maybe I will get to meet her  some other time.

Twilight returned with three cups of tea and offer both of us one. I took it happily, I was rather thirsty. I took a sip on the tea, it was OK but the tea on earth was a lot better.

Celestia had a sip of her tea before continuing. “Thank you twilight, this is very good, But now onto more pressing concerns, Six days ago a diamond dog mine was attacked and completley destroyed, at the moment there are no known survivors and I believe that Jake here might know something about this.” she looked at with a rather scary look .Well I'm fucked.

“What do you mean princess?” oh fuck I forgot to tell twilight about certain details about my escape, like all the dogs I killed because I knew she wouldn’t take that knowledge well.

“I believe that Jake was the one to completely destroy the mine and kill every pony in it.” Twilight gasped, I need to say something and fast.

“Hold on, yes I killed some of the dogs but I didn’t destroy the entire mine! I got knocked out when we got ambushed in the main chamber, me and a Minotaur were trying to get some pony prisoners out of the mine when we got jumped by at least thirty guards. The last thing I remember was being hit on the head. Before waking up in a field.”

Twilight had a very sad look on her face that quickly turned to anger “You lied to me! You never said you killed anypony!”

“I haven't killed any ponies! I only killed a bunch of dogs that kept me locked in a cell for weeks upon end forcing me to work until I was broken! DO NOT TELL ME YOU WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THE SAME!!” I was getting angry, very angry. The room began to shake as everything began to grow dark and cold as if all the happiness and left,books fell from the shelves and one of the windows cracked. Twilight backed away from me as I slowly got to my feet fear evident in her eyes. Celestia's horn began to glow as she stepped between us. I stared directly into her eyes, her eyes were focused on mine and I could see something clearly in them, fear.

Why would she be afraid of me? Then it hit me. I am a new species not from this world who was almost the same hight as her staring daggers at her personal student. “Sorry” I said “Those are some unhappy memories.” I backed of and sat back down on the seat. The room quickly began to turn back to the way it was before my little outburst. Celestia's eyes did not leaving mine for a few moments. The magic in her horn soon faded but her expression stayed the same. One of fear and anger. Twilight was hiding slightly behind Celestia, she was shaking, shaking a lot.

“What just happened?” twilight crocked from behind Celestia, looking around at the fallen books and the now broken glass. The house was like a bomb site, thank god spike wasn't here or he would have had a hear attack.

“I don't know my faithful student.” she turned to me with a very confused look “What did you do?”

“Emm I have no idea.” And that was the truth, what did just happen? I looked around the room getting a better view of the mess, I didn't do that, did I? An awkward silence took over the library. Celestia and Twilight just stared at me. I really need something to break the ice I thought, Maybe if I suddenly shout boo...

“Twilight please leave the room” Celestia said as she motioned towards the door with her hoof. Twilight didn't hesitate she almost ran out of the house closing the door behind her. Celestia's horn glowed as the entire room was engulfed in white light. I was about to ask what she did before I was yanked of my feet with magic and thrown into the far wall, Son of a bitch that hurt.

“WHAT ARE YOU !” Celestia shouted as she came face to face with me.

“This really hurts you know” I wheezed, getting thrown into a wall dose take a lot out of you.

“I don't care if it Hurts!!” Her princess like demeanour had changed completely, she no longer had a regal tone to her voice, now it was quick and clean, bristling with anger. “You will tell me what you are doing here immediately or I will burn you to ash... demon” She hissed

“What the hell do you mean by demon?!” I yelled “I'm no fucking demon!”

“You used dark magic, only a demon can use black magic like that. Twilight dose not know of these things, but I do! So tell me why are you here?!” Fuck maybe my head would end up on a pointy stick by the end of the day.

“I don't know what FUCK you are on about you crazy bitch!” I was lying of course if she thought that necromancy was 'Dark magic' and that anyone who did it was a demon Id best just play dumb. If ponies viewed demons the same way as most humans do my time on this planet would be very short indeed, and probably very painful at that. I don't fancy being burned at the steak.

Celestia just stared at me. “What did you just call me?” she asked venomously.

“I said you were a crazy bitch, Now let me go!” I was very surprised when I dropped to the ground. I looked up to find Celestia just staring at me. She no longer looked angry, it was sadness. It was the sadness you would see on a child’s face when a parent was telling them off.

“I have made my decision” another white flash enveloped the room before Celestia called for Twilight to come in. Well this is not going to end well, Maybe the window plan wasn't so bad after all...

“Twilight I have come to a decision” her princess demeanour returning instantly. Well there goes my head, I'll miss you buddy. “Jake is to stay in Ponyville under your supervision, he is not to leave this house without you until I say otherwise, I will return every 3 weeks to check on him” She turned to me “Is that under stood?” I nodded why would she suddenly change her mind ?

“Any thing that stops me from becoming ash” Celestia growled at me as Twilight looked at us confused.

“Did I miss something important?” she asked quizzically.

“No we just had a little chat about his time in the mine” Twilight cringed at this probably remembering what I said about killing the dogs. And the best thing of all was I was getting to keep my head.

“Now Twilight I am afraid I need to depart, I will be in touch” before leaving she gave Twilight a little nuzzle before turning to me. The stare she gave was one of anger and concern it was basically saying , if you harm her I will kill you'.

“Good by princess I will wright to you every day about what I have learned.” Really? Everyday.

Celestia giggled “OK twilight I will talk to you soon” she walked out not even glancing in my direction. Now seriously what happened she was getting ready to kill me only a few moments ago, now she is letting me stay with her own student. Maybe she is crazy?

When she had left Twilight turned to me before letting out a gasp.”WHY is there a massive hole in the wall!” I turned to find the wall I had thrown into had large gaping hole in it. That bitch, now I was left with damage control.

“um... gremlins?” She was pissed. I sighed “I'll go get the mop”

Meeting A Big Pigeon

Meeting A big pigeon

I awoke quickly from my dream clutching my chest, the same dream almost every night. It would begin with me walking through what appears to be a castle only to find Twilight and her friends dead. And just before I find out who killed them I wake up, it was driving me insane.

My stomach grumbled waking me from my thoughts, I'm starving. I get out of my bed and walk over to my wardrobe. The wardrobe is small and can just hold my clothes. Rarity had created many new clothes for me since I had arrived here, even if she didn't seem to like me that much. Most of the clothes she has made for me are hideous, coming mostly in the colour pink. I picked out my only pair of blue trousers I had, they were very similar to pair of  baggy cargo trousers. But that's when I noticed something terrible, so terrible it would make Stalin look like a good guy. My Bright pink top,to make matters worse it had a love heart in the centre of it. Twilight got it made for me when I was thrown into the library wall by princess Celestia – only she didn't know that – and I made a joke about gremlins making the hole. She got very very pissed.

Well I guess I have nothing else to wear then. I reluctantly pulled the shirt on and walked to the door. I glanced in the mirror before leaving hoping my beard had started to grow back, it hadn't. Before I got scent to Equestria I had a rather large beard growing, well large for a seventeen year old any ways, and I wanted it back. It has been about five weeks since I ended up here and I haven't even got a bit of a stubble, I miss my beard.

I began walking down the sat airs to find Twilight sitting in her usual seat nursing a cup of coffee, she was not a morning pony. Her hair was a mess and she just stared at the same spot on the table every morning. I had very little sympathy for her, when you only get about four hours sleep a day it will come back to bight you.

Spike walked in from the kitchen wearing his signature apron and began laughing historically when he saw me, god he sounds like one of the hyenas from the lion king when he laughs.

“haha , dude what are you wearing!” he said in between laughing fits.

“Shut it puffy, you cant say shit, your wearing a frilly apron with a heart on it.”

We stared at each other, we both stood our ground until Twilight turned to us. “Boys, stop that!, Jake come sit down. Spike can you go to the washing up please.” spike grumbled something about being a slave and walked off, trust me buddy you know nothing of it.

I grabbed a glass of water before sitting down opposite Twilight. She had a large grin on her face.

“So how do you like your top I think it is rather fitting of you” she was giggling now, damn you twilight, damn you.

I sighed “why is this the only shirt I have left, I'm sure I had a lot more.”

“Oh you did but after you told me about your races gender stereotypes I decided to get it made for you, after you smashed a hole in my wall.” I sighed. I could see no way of wining this fight without pissing of Celestia, she did throw me into the wall after all.

“Fine, I'll wear it but ONLY for today. After that I'm burning this infernal thing.” she smiled

“Aww does the big strong human not want to wear pink?” she asked mockingly

“I hate you” she just smiled. “So what's on the agenda today, all might overlord.”

“Not much other than going to Fluttershy's to document a new butterfly species, after that I have some studying to catch up on and so do you.” I sighed first I need to go talk about fucking butterfly’s for an untold amount of time and then to make matters worse Twilight is making me read everything she can find on ponies and Equestria, and I mean everything. Not that I did anything during that time any way. Day dreaming was so much more fun than reading ' one hundred ways to cook dandelions'.

It would be nice to see Fluttershy again though. Out of all of twilights friends she has been the nicest to me. I would even go as far as saying we were friends, not close friends but just friends. The others on the other hand were a different story. Rainbow Dash and Applejack avoided me as if talking to me would bring upon the apocalypse. Rarity wasn’t at all interested in me, even when I said I would tell her everything I knew about fashion from my world, it wasn’t a lot but at least I was something. Pinkie Pie talked to me sometimes but not much. Even twilight said that it was very unlike Pinkie Pie not to like some one. I would need to try something to gain her trust. She likes parties, maybe I should throw her one?

“When are we going to Fluttershy's?”

“In about thirty minutes.”

“OK, think we could stop of at sugar cube corner firs?” I asked.

“No”

“aww come on, we haven’t been for a while.” I pleaded to her, giving her my pest puppy dog face, it wasn't very effective.

“We went yesterday and the day before that, and they day before that.”

“Like I said we haven't been for a while.” I grinned, her eyes narrowed

“No, and that’s final.” I guess it was worth a shot.

=====================

We were soon on our way to Fluttershy's cottage. We decided to take the longer route bypassing many of the main streets. The ponies here didn't run in fear when they saw me any more but they still were terrified of me. There was a rumour going around town saying I brainwashed Twilight into letting me stay with her and that I kidnap ponies at night to do evil experiments on them before I eat them, alive in some cases depending on who you hear the story from.

We soon arrived at Fluttershy's cottage, It was only a fifteen minute walk from the library. When we were about to knock on the door something came to my attention. Everything was quiet, too quiet. Not even the birds were making any noise. Twilight knocked on the door and we waited for an answer.

The door opened to reveal a red eyed Fluttershy. It looked like she had been crying. It was at this moment me and twilight noticed the cut on her foreleg.

“Oh my, Fluttershy are you OK?” Twilight asked worry evident in her voice.

Fluttershy let out a sniffle before speaking “Yeah I'm fine. I just tripped on my way back.”

“Can we come in?” twilight asked

“Yes, please come in.”

she opened the door fully and allowed us to enter there was a few droplets of blood In the centre of the room next to a first aid box.

“Fluttershy please sit down and I will have a look at the cut.” She just nodded before limping over to her couch. I walked closely behind and picked up the first aid box on the way taking out a cloth and a small bandage.

I inspected the cut it wasn't to deep. It was more of a graze that a cut. I put some disinfectant on the cloth that was in the first aid box before dabbing the small cut. Fluttershy winced and it looked like she was going to cry again. Twilight sat net to her and hugged her.

“Fluttershy what happened?” twilight asked as she held a crying fluttershy in her hooves.

“It started when I was helping a family of ducks through ponyville, a big Griffin walked up to me and started shouting at me. She made me slip and cut my leg.” this started a new wave of crying. “She started laughing before flying of, I don't know what happened to the ducks, they might be hurt!” she began crying again. Yeah I'm going to kill the big pigeon. No one makes fluttershy cry. I quickly finished bandaging her leg.

“Fluttershy, where is this griffin?” I asked, I wonder if they taste like chicken.

“I... I don't know, I.. I think she flew off towards Rainbow's home.”

Twilight must have noticed the look on my face. “don't worry fluttershy we will talk with her later” she said as she glanced at me.

“Yeah, talk” I said as I looked back at her. Fluttershy was still sobbing but she had cammed down a bit. Now what’s the best way to commit murder and get away with it? Use a spade to bash the persons skull in then bury the body? Or maybe acid in a bath tub? I ponded this for a few moments before there was a knocking at the door.

“I'll get it” I said as I got up and walked to the door. I was met with a spray well more wave of confetti from some strange contraption pinkie was wearing.

“Hi do you know were fluttershy is ?” she asked in a very cheery voice

“Yeah she's inside”

I moved back into the house to let pinkie enter. She bounced right past me over to were Fluttershy was sitting she had thankfully stopped crying. One thing I wouldn't want to see is an angry pinkie pie. If she can shit all over physics on a normal day she might end the world if she was angry enough.

“Hey Fluttershy, Hey Twilight I was wondering if you wanted to come to Gildas welcome to Ponyville party?” She said as she made two invitations appear out of no where. This was Pinkie Pie we are on about here. “You can come as well Jake.” she said turning towards me, she pulled another invitation out of no where and handed it to me. It was pink with love hearts on it. It simply read.

'You are invited to Gildas welcome to Ponyville party at sugar cube corner, the party starts at 3 pm'.

I looked at the clock on the wall. The party was in two hours. Could I dig a big enough ditch in two hours?

“Thank you Pinkie Pie” we all said in unison. It was kind of freaky but the girls either didn’t notice or didn't care.

“We will be there” I said with a predatory grin. We most definitely will be there.

OKIE DOKIE LOKI!” She cheered before hopping out the house. She hopped like

Pepé Le Pew from the loony tunes.

“We are going, right Twilight?” I asked turning away from the direction the crazy party pony jumped off to.

“Yes we most certainly are, I would like to have a word with this Gilda.”

===================

We arrived at the party rather early, the three of us were the only people there, excluding Pinkie Pie. She was putting the finishing touches to the decorations, The room was filled with cakes and other assorted party food. Streamers littered the walls, along with dozens of balloons.

“Oh you guys got here early!” Pinkie chirped when she saw us.

“Hey Pinkie, do you have a spade?” Twilight hit my shoulder, I had told her my plan on the way down, she wasn't pleased.

“Ignore him Pinkie, just some silly human joke.” Twilight glared at me “Right”

“Yeah just a joke, but seriously do you have a spade?” twilight hit me in the shoulder agin but this time it was a lot harder, “Owww that hurt.” She just smiled.

Pinkie just looked at us confused. “So” Twilight spoke up. “who have you invited?” Oh god, why did you have to ask.

She grinned wildly “I invited lots on ponies!. Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, Beery Punch, Lyra, Bon Bon, Lyra...” And so the list went on and on and on.

Me, Twilight and Fluttershy sat and swapped idle chit chat as we waited for the other guest to arrive, it didn't take long. They arrived in droves, most of them didn't even notice me until someone pointed it it, thankfully none of them ran for there lives but they did stay as far away from me as possible, even with my pink shirt on.

I just stood in the corner waiting for the bid pigeon to arrive, I wanted to have a private word with her. Twilight and Fluttershy went off and began conversing with many of the ponies at the party. I tried talking to a few of them at the start of the party but they instantly backed of, so fuck it I'll just wait in the corner until our 'Guest of honour' shows up.

When gild showed up I was rather disappointed, she fit most mythical descriptions of a griffin but she was a lot smaller, maybe only about five foot tall. She was immediately greet by pinkie pie who offered her hoof for a hand shake Gild took it she yelped as electricity surged through her body. I laughed fell for the oldest trick in the book. Pinkie had used one of those hand shake buzzer thing's, and to great effect.

Gilda had a crazed look on her face but she was saved when Rainbow Dash walked over laughing. They talked for a bit before Rainbow walked off towards a table with a punch bowl set out. Pinkie quickly put a leg round Gilda's shoulder before shouting “ Everyone I would like you all to meet Gilda, a long time dear friend of Rainbow Dash...” blah blah blah you get the picture. It was quickly met with cheers from all the ponies.

It was at this point she noticed me. Her eyes went wide and her mouth, well beak, hung agape. Pinkie noticed this and started to push her over to where I stood. “Gilda I would like you to meet Jake. He is our resident human.” she looked terrified.

“Hello” was all she said as I stared down at her. I didn't say anything I just looked away from her. I had no interest in talking with her... not yet any ways.

She took that as a sigh to fuck and quickly left. She walked over to where Rainbow Dash was standing, Rainbow was talking to Twilight and spike. When did spike get here? Meh what ever.

A cake was quickly presented, it was huge, it was just as big as Gilda was. She tried to blow out the candles but they quickly relit. She was soon out of breath from her attempt and everyone started laughing except Twilight. She hadn't stopped staring at her since she got here.

Spike jumped into the cake and quickly appeared at the top of it. He was met with looks of disgust from everyone around him. “What? It's good!” he shouted as twilight glared at him.

“Come on every pony lets play pin the tail on the pony” Applejack shouted followed my a murmur of agreement. Really a children’s game? How old were these ponies?

Pinkie quickly placed a blind fold over Gilda's face and spun her round leaving her to face the wall. She quickly turned round and walked in the opposite direction, was she fucking retarded? She quickly slipped on a piece of cake that was on the floor and went flying through the front door. It was like something out of a tom and jerry cartoon. Everyone, including me, burst into tears. I must admit that was hilarious.

A roar broke us from our laughter as gild jumped up and hovered in the air. She began shouting obscenity’s at everyone around her. Oh yes, she was pissed. She moved right in front of pinkie raising a talon to strike. Her attempt was cut short when she was hit in the face with a table that I had so carelessly dropped, in her direction, aimed perfectly at her face.

The ponies gasped when she fell to the ground. She got quickly got up, holding her face with a talon. She glared daggers at me. I just grinned it was incredibly funny when an over grown chicken was angry at you. The ponies just stared on with worrying looks, when the only two predators in the room – not including spike –  where getting ready for a fight things were bound to get messy.

She roared and lunged at me, using her wings to get as much speed as possible. She smashed in to my chest forcing both us into the wall behind me. She swiped her talons at me, cutting a big line across my chest. I roared out as felt burning pain in my chest, some of my ribs must have been broken. She got ready to take a swipe at my face but I was quicker. I smashed my fist into the side of her beak. And she went flying to the side in a heap.

We both quickly got to our feet at stared at one another. Most of the ponies had fled the room. Only Twilight and her friends remained.

I charged at Gilda sending another fist straight into her face. A loud thunk echoed through the room as she dropped to the floor, she was out cold. I clutched at my chest as I waddled away from her and sat down on a small chair next to me. My chest was hurting like fuck. Rainbow quickly flew over to Gilda and checked if she was OK. I on the other hand was met with a very angry Twilight.

“Why did you do that!” she screeched.

“She was going to hit Pinkie!” I recoiled “What was I supposed to do? Let her get hit?!” My chest was really hurting now as most of the adrenalin began to ware off. “Now if you don't mind call a doctor my chest hurts like a bitch.” She growled before ordering spike to go get nurse red heart.

You see everything went better that expected.

The Great and Powerful Fraud

The Great and Powerful Fraud

“House arrest! House arrest! you have been here for two weeks and you are already under house arrest!” Twilight shouted as she walked back and forth across the room.

“It's not that bad, Imagine what would have happened If I had a spade.” She glared at me. Well after the incident with Gilda I was asked to return home pending official enquiry, I apparently cant leave the house. Without a royal guard accompanying me at all times. But as all ways Twilight exaggerates all the possibility’s. She began on to mumble something about getting banished to the moon. Silly Twilight

“Not funny!” she growled, Her eyes staring into my soul. Her lovely Purple eyes. Wait what? I did not just think that, stupid brain.

“So what am I supposed to do all day? Have a Royal guard follow me all over the place?”

“No, you are going to stay in this house until I say otherwise. Is that understood!?” I sighed.

“Fine have it your way... “

Spike burst into the room before I could finish. “Twilight come quick  there’s a new unicorn in town and snips and snails said she is the most powerful unicorn ever!”

“What ?” Twilight asked, not making much sense of spikes vocal onslaught.

“There’s a new unicorn in town! Apparently she is the most powerful unicorn ever!”

Twilights ears dropped she had a sad look on her face, spike quickly bolted back through the door, probably of to where this new unicorn was. I walked over to the sad looking Twilight “Don’t worry Twi, no unicorn is better than you” She blushed, she looked very cute when she blushed. Dammit brain. “Now come on, lets see this new unicorn.” I walked over to the door and stepped out.

“What what about the Guard?!”

“Fuck the police!” I shouted back before walking in the direction spike ran off to. Twilight quickly caught up, still sporting the blush on her face, we walked to the town square. This should be good.

==================

We soon arrived at the town square and were met with a large crown of ponies all gathered round what appeared to be some kind of trailer. We noticed twilights friends and walked up to them, most of the ponies moved out of my path trying to keep their distance. Its not every day you here about a griffin getting its ass kicked. I sat down so I wasn't obscuring any of the ponies views, when I sat they where just a little bit taller than me.

Aloud voice caught the crowds attention Come one! Come all! Come and witness the amazing magic of the great and powerful Trixie!!!” The trailer unfolded so it became a mini stage, some shitty props popped out from the back of it and with a flash of smoke a blue unicorn wearing a wizards hat appeared, the ponies gasped and awed at the show.

“Watch in aww as the great and powerful Trixie, preforms the most spectacular feats of magic ever witnessed by pony eyes!!” She stood on her back hooves as fireworks and music went off in the back ground, it wasn't very impressive.

Twilight went of to talk to rarity and Applejack, I just watched in aww at the shitty tricks she was preforming. First she summoned a bouquet of flowers before giving it a sniff.

“Boo! Magic smagic, boo!!” I looked over to find dash looking rather guiltily at Applejack.

“Well well well, It appears we have some neigh! Sayers in the audience. Who is so ignorant to challenge the magic ability of the great and powerful Trixie.” Hmm I need a spade.

“Don't they know that they are in the presence of the most magical unicorn in Equestria?!” More fire works went off, I was beginning to hate fire works.

Dash flew right up to her face “So great and powerful Trixie what makes you so awesome any ways?” She asked threateningly.

I lost interest in their conversation when I noticed Twilight had disappeared. She quickly came totting through the crown again. I was about to ask why she left but I was interrupted by another light show. She was going on about defeating some big teddy bear or something and to be honest I couldn't care less, but the ponies certainly did. From the looks on their faces most of them had some clue what it was. A small Yellow pony with a snail for a cutie mark ran up to her.

“That settles it, Trixie truly is the most talented, most magical, most awesome unicorn in Ponyville.” He sounded fucking retarded.

An even smaller pony with a pair of scissors jumped in “No in all of Equestria!” He sounded even more stupid. Spike started to shout something but I couldn't make it out over all the murmurs of agreement from the ponies behind me.

“I here by challenge you Ponyvillians, anything you can do I can do better.” Oh this is going to be fun.

Of course the first ponies to accept the offer were Twilights friends. And they got there asses handed to them every time. She turned Rarity's hair green, tied Applejack up like a hog roast with an apple in her mouth to add to the effect. Rainbow got twirled around by a rainbow, no really a rainbow, before getting a lighting bolt to the flank. Which resulted in everyone laughing at her.

“Anyone else?” she asked? “How about you?” she was pointing a hoof at Twilight. For some reason Twilight began to sputter and look for away out of the crown that had gather around her. She looked like she was about to bolt off. Time to fuck with her I think.

“I accept your challenge!” I shouted, I was met with murmurings and worried looks from the ponies but Trixie kept a straight face. Finally a pony that wasn't instantly afraid of me. That makes a change, it is rather comforting actually

“OK hairless ape, what is your challenge?” I looked around at the crowd and to twilight, she was slowly walking away from the crowd as I got all the attention, she was about to make a run for it.

“Fetch me a spade!” I was met with confused looks from Trixie and all the ponies in the square. However I was quickly lifted from the ground in a purple field and carried away from the group towards a very angry looking Twilight. Totally worth it.

I tried speaking to her as she carried me off to her house but I quickly found my mouth was being held shut with magic. Like I said totally worth it. When we reached the library I was placed down on the ground and awaited by verbal assault from twilight, it never came. Instead I was met with a sad looking Twilight that quickly walked up the stairs and into her room. What was all that about?

My stomach groaned I'll find out after I had something to eat. God what I would do for a big juicy stake right about now.

==================

I waited a good thirty minutes after having a bit to eat before I knocked on her bed room door. I was met with silence. “Twilight are you OK in there?” I asked very concerned, I had never seen her act like this before.

I heard the door open so I went down stairs to check who it was. It was spike and he didn't look pleased.

“There's something wrong with Twilight” I said as he walked over to the stars”You should go talk with her.” he just nodded and headed up the stairs to her room. They talked for a little bit before he came back down the stairs and walked over to the door slamming it behind him. Fuck it.

I knocked on Twilight's door before walking in she was sitting over a desk engrossed in some book. “What's wrong Twi? It wasn't me was it? I am sorry about the spade joke.” I really hope it wasn't the spade joke that made her so sad.

“No its not that, it's just that spike wants me to show up Trixie in a feat of magic but I don't want to. What would my friends think of me if I showed of like her?” she slouched. Is that what's got her so down? She thinks that if she beats Trixie in a a contest her friends wont like her any more? That is rather silly to be honest.

“Twilight that is a very silly thing to say.”

“What?”

“Your friends wont hate you if you beat Trixie in a competition. They are your best friends besides Trixie needs to be shown a lesson any ways.” I smiled “So ill go get my spade and you stay right here.” She growled again but before she could say anything a loud roar echoed through the library.

We looked at each other then ran for the door. Another roar echoed through the town before we reached the door. It was chaos, ponies were running in all directions and screaming for their lives. The sight of a blue unicorn trying to fight a large blue bear, it looked almost see through, caught our attention. We ran. The same two retarded ponies from before were there telling her to vanquish it.

“What's going on?” twilight yelled as we approached the two retarded ponies.

“We brought an Ursa to town.” the small blue one said in a very annoying voice. The kind of voice you really wanted to hit.

“You what!!” Both me and twilight shouted in unison.

“Don't worry the great and powerful Trixie will vanquish it” The taller, yellow pony spoke up. He looked over to Trixie with a large grin on his face.

“I can't” The blue unicorn spoke as she lowered her head “No one can vanquish a ursa major, I just made the whole story up to make me look better.” She said in a rushed voice. You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Loud growling echoed behind us. We all turned to find the Ursa looming over a small house. It roared and started walking towards us. Twilight had a determined look on her face as she took a few steps forward. Her horn began to glow and the wind picked up as the soft sound of music began to play. It sounded a lot like a lullaby. I could actually see the notes of music flow into the massive bears ears, somehow. The Ursa smiled as it began to get sleepy and sway with the music.

Magic swirled and burst from Twilights horn as a large water storage unit floated over, milk dripping from the sides. The Ursa quickly fell asleep and was only inches away from floating Trixie before a purple aurora engulfed it. The Ursa began floating. I looked back to Twilight, I could see that she was close to passing out from the strain.

She floated the water, now milk, storage unit into the Ursa's grasp. It began suckling on it like a baby would do to a bottle. The Ursa floated over Ponyville and back into the Everfree forest. When it was out of sight Twilight quickly dropped to her knees.

Cheers erupted from the crowd, Twilight quickly turned to see most of Ponyville cheering, she managed a smile before passing out. We rushed over to her. Please be OK.

The girls beat me to her and crowded around her.

“She's OK.” Applejack shouted “She just needs some rest.” Thank god.

Trixie staring at us, I'm going to kill her. I rose to my feet and started to walk over to her. All the ponies in my way moved instantly seeing the face of murder I wore. I however didn't get the chance to beat her to death, a flash of smoke and some distant words about her returning sounded in the distance.

I turned back to see Twilight floating in Rarity's blue magic. She was walking in the direction of the library.

“Is she going to be OK?” I asked as I caught up with her group of friends. Rainbow and Applejack cringed at my words.

“She will be, after she gets a lot of sleep that is.” Rarity chimed in “It has happened to me lots of times when I work to long on a dress, using too much magic makes you tired even Twilight.” She better be

We quickly arrived back at the library, Spike was no where to bee seen though.

“Jake, be a dear and go make us all a cup of tea. We will get Twilight to her bed.” Rarity said. I just nodded before walking into the kitchen and putting the kettle on to boil.

I came back into the living room to find all of her friends had left. That wasn't very nice I thought as I climbed up the stairs to Twilights room. I peeked through the door, she was sleeping peacefully in her bead with spike by her side. When did he get here? She began stirring in her sleep, I quickly closed the door, I didn’t want to wake her after all.

I looked at the clock on the wall, 3 am, fuck that I'm going to bed. I quickly got to my room and got undressed, the only thing I wore was a pair of boxers that I got Rarity to make me. I climbed into bed hopping for a peaceful sleep. It never came.