It's Pinkie Pie, What Did You Expect?
T'was an ever-so-lovely beginning to a new day in Equestria. The sun shone brightly as it always did (because it's like, the sun after all), the birds were singing badly off-key, and Rebecca Black was in hospital after sustaining severe injuries due to a collision with a low tunnel, as she was standing up in the backseat of a speeding vehicle whilst singing that god-awful 'Friday' song, so indeed it was a brilliant start to the day.
In Ponyville, the usual crap was going on that went on any other morning. The background characters were running to and fro between places, not actually doing anything important since they weren't important characters themselves, because the background characters in the show are kinda like the Red-Shirts in Star Trek - When the bad aliens start attacking the Enterprise, you know one or two Red-Shirts are going to die, but you don't care since they not important anyway. They're expendable. So yeah, the background-ponies-that-no-one-would-miss-if they-happened-to-die-so-suddenly were busy doing their thing, and the more popular pony characters like Vinyl Scratch (BASS CANNON!) and Lyra (HUMAN CANNON!) were just, like, doing whatever it is they do that made them popular amongst Bronies to begin with and stuff, and that fugly filly Twist was just dicking about.
Am I the only one who thinks Twist is the Pony version of Meg Griffon from Family Guy? Somebody should totally write a fanfic about that. Not me, though, cause' I just don't want to. Oh right, the story...
Suddenly, the door to Sugarcube Corner swung open, and from out of that Hansel-and-Gretel-inspired cavity-drenched building came Pinkie Pie, the Element of Laughter (though personally I would have made her the Element of AWESOME-SAUCES!). She stood in the middle of the street, her tail twitching (Insert Dick Joke Here), and a line of white powder across her muzzle. Her left eye was going nuts, spastically looking in every direction, while her right just rolled in disbelief at what its opposite was doing. Falling onto her haunches and throwing her forelegs up into the air, and then somehow catching them despite not having her forelegs attached to her body to catch them with (hey, it's Pinkie Pie, you don't question her shit, you just go with it), she dramatically yelled into the air ''I'M OUT OF THE GOOD STUFF!'', before quickly adding, 'AND CHAD KROEGER WILL NEVER BE FUCKING BETTER A GUITAR PLAYER THAN SLADE!''
In another place in the world, Chad Kroeger was doing some rehearsal with his band Nickelback. Chad and his team were halfway-through their practising ''When We Stand Together'', when Chad abruptly stopped singing, a look of confusion on his face.
Nickelback's keyboardist, Ryan Peake, called out to his leader. ''Yo, Chaddie-Laddie! What's the matter with you?''
Chad Kroeger slowly turned around, the confusion on his face replaced by a look of fear and dread. He spoke in a tone barely louder than a whisper. ''Guys...I think there's a pony out there who think's I'm not better than that guy out of Guns 'n' Roses.''
Anyhoo, back in Ponyville, Pinkie Pie was still out in the street, curled up into a ball and being used for soccer practise by a bunch of Man United pony supporters who had been passing through the street on their way home to watch the football match (yeah, they have television now in Ponyville. The most popular shows are football and MLP: My Little Perversion). She had run out of the good stuff after only purchasing a packet of it a few days ago from Donut Joe, and already she had wasted it in less than a week. Now she would have to go to Canterlot in order to get some more of the good stuff from Donut Joe, because I guess that's where he lives, I think. Well this is my story, so I say Donut Joe lives in Canterlot, so there! Deal with it!
One of the Man United pony supporters kicked Pinkie Pie (still a ball) so hard that she went flying across the street and crashed through the window of Sugarcube Corner. In the back room, Mr.Cake was making sweet love (SWEET love, get it?) to Mrs.Cake at that moment, and Mrs.Cake was licking the frosting from off of Mr.Cake, so neither of them heard the crash, or they did but couldn't be bothered to go check what happened. Pinkie Pie whipped out a computer mouse from her mane and a large pointer arrow appeared over her. Using the mouse, Pinkie Pie picked herself up from off the floor, and removed the shards of glass from her body, dragging them over to the recycle bin and deleting them.
She then placed the mouse back in her mane (it squeaked as it entered the mass of pink fluff), and the arrow pointer disappeared. Pinkie Pie cleared her throat, and shouted ''Okay. I guess I have to go to Donut Joe's to get more of that good stuff!'' And so back out of Sugarcabe Corner she went, and she ran up the road, and was out of sight of Sugarcube Corner, which suddenly exploded, sending a mass of sticky white icing everywhere.
Pinkie Pie ran along the road that led to Ponyville Train Station in hopes of catching a train, because when you need a train, you go to a train station. Just like when you want a train station, you go to a train station station (but if you want a train station station, then you're just being silly). So yeah, Pinkie Pie was running along the road, knocking over ponies who got in her way of obtaining more of the good stuff, the stuff that was...good, basically.
After running along the road for say, like 5 minutes, the Ponyville Train Station came into view, and Pinkie Pie squee'd (My Favourite Noise in the whole freaking world!). But just before she could gallop into the train station, three fillies stepped out in front of her, and Pinkie Pie was forced to apply the brakes (A.K.A her hooves) to prevent herself from colliding with the little shits. Skidding to a halt in front of the three fillies, she found herself looking at none other than the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
''Howdy, Pinkie Pie! Where are you goin' in such a hurry?'' asked the little earth pony known as Apple Bloom (Don't you just love that filly? What with the puppy eyes in the first episode and that little bow in her hair, I just want to hug that thing and baby-talk the shit out of her!). The red-haired filly was wearing a strange lingerie outfit, sort of like something you'd expect somebody 'working the corner' to be wearing, or like what some (SOME, not ALL) Bronies out there would imagine Molestia to be dressed in during their perverted fantasies.
''Yeah, Pinkie Pie, baby,'' said the orange pegasus filly next to Apple Bloom. This one's name was Scootaloo, although if you watch the show then you didn't need me to tell you that. She was wearing a large purple hat with a feather sticking out of the top of it, and in her hoof, she had a walking cane of sorts. ''What's got you so worked up, baby? Tell your problems to lil' ol' Scootaloo here.''
A little white unicorn suddenly appeared out of nowhere between the two fillies, wearing a sign around her neck that said 'Filly for sale. If interested, please contact Carousel Boutique (Any Offer Preferable).'. ''I'm a whore!'' squeaked Sweetie Belle, leaping into the air, her legs flailing around spastically, before landing back on the ground again.
Scootaloo slapped Sweetie Belle right across the face with the back of her hoof. ''Bitch! Did I say you could speak?'' Sweetie Belle responded with a look that seemed to say 'I really like your mane!'.
Piniie Pie stared at the three fillies, switching glances between the three of them. She suddenly leapt up into the air and stayed up there for a moment, because Pinkie Pie can defy the laws of gravity and physics and shit. She very quietly whispered ''FUS RO DAH!'', and the awesomely epic force of her Dragon Shout (Yes, she is DragonBorn now) struck the ground where the fillies were standing, and sent the Cutie Mark Crusaders flying high above Ponyville.
''Looks like CMC is blasting off again!'' cried Scootaloo and Apple Bloom.
Sweetie Belle shouted ''I can fucking fly!'', before the three of them disappeared with a twinkle in the distance, like what happens in Pokémon.
And with that, Pinkie Pie continued onwards into the train station, where she bought her ticket, waited for the intercom to announce the train's arrival, had a fight with a dog over a discussion about politics in Equestria today, killed the dog and sacrificed it in the name of Markiplier (All Hail the Pink Moustache!), got on the train once it arrived, and slept during the four hour long journey to Canterlot.
Oh, and when the train left the station the whole place got set on fire and burned to the ground. Only some unimportant background ponies got killed, none of the popular ones like Bon Bon (CANDY CANNON!) or Doctor Whooves (ALLONS-Y CANNON!).
When the train at last arrived at the Canterlot train station a short time later (the trip actually took 30 minutes because I magically sped up time so we could progress the story faster. Pinkie Pie was asleep anyways, so nothing really happened - surprisingly), Pinkie Pie suddenly awoke from her dream about breaking brick walls with the number '4' painted on them, and galloped right out of the train and into the streets of Canterlot. All the snobbish and wealthy unicorn ponies of the city are out and about that day, walking around with their noses up in the air (apparently they don't like the smell of their own bullshit), and wearing those little eye monocles that remind me of a stereotypical German dictator from some old cartoon show like 'Rocky and Bullwinkle'. (Fun Fact - Rocky flew using the power of farts, and Bullwinkle was voiced by Keith Scott in the 2000 movie. No, it's true! Look it up, you have the internet!).
There was one unicorn in particular that was surrounded by a group of nobles that was wowing his audience with the many different shapes and forms he was contorting his penis into. He contorted his money-maker (LOL. It's funny cause' he's rich) into the shape of the Eiffel Tower, and a really snobbish couple at the back of the group fainted from the inspiring perfection of the sight. The rest of the crowd applauded the unicorn, who took a bow. ''Thank you all for watching The Great And Extremely Gay Prince BlueBlood's Amazing Wang-Shapes!'' bellowed BlueBlood, as he carefully removed his penis and laid it back in its wooden box, like the ones ventriloquists put their dummies in.
''I'm going to bounce now, as I have a pogo stick here with me.'' And so he bounced away on his pogo stick, all the way back to Canterlot Castle, just in time to watch his favourite show, 'Pineapple Studios' (Yeah, he's a fan of Louie Spence).
Pinkie Pie trotted off down the street until she arrived at the place she was looking for - Donut Joe's Donut's (what an clever name for a donut shop. Genius!). Seeing how close she was now to obtaining some more of the good stuff, Pinkie Pie started shaking violently in unconTROLLable excitement, and her candy-cotton mane burst, releasing all the air inside and deflating.
Not wanting to go into the establishment looking like Pinkamena, especially after the whole 'Cupcakes' incident, Pinkie Pie took a syringe filled with melted butter from out of her tail and injected it into her neck for no reason whatsoever (this was her idea, not mine), before pulling a bicycle pump from her mouth (sure, why not?) and started to pump air back into her mane.
Once her mane was back to its fluffy cotton-candy look again, she yelled ''EILEMONTY AND FEATHER HAVE THE BEST SINGING VOICES EVER!'' (and I'm sure a lot of you will agree with me), and she threw the bicycle pump at The Stig, who was passing through Canterlot at that moment on his way to the TopGear studio, having ended up in Equestria due to deciding to take a shortcut to work.
The bicycle pump hit The Stig on the head, but because he was wearing a helmet, and because he's secretly a Terminator (well, he could be! I mean, have you ever seen his face?), he didn't feel anything, and so he continued walking onwards, reaching into his pockets to take out his MP4 Player so he could listen to those orchestral classics he plays in the 'Reasonably-Priced Car' when he's driving on the TopGear race track.
Entering the establishment, Pinkie Pie dropped to the floor, and slithered like a snake towards the counter, leaving behind a wet gooey trail in her wake. When she got to the counter, she stood up very slowly, whilst the 'Mission Impossible' theme played in the background. She checked her left and right to make sure the perimeter was clear, before she tore off her skin to reveal a black spy suit underneath (like the one she wore in MLP:FiM S2 Episode 20 - It's About Time. Funny episode. Reminded me of Metal Gear Solid), and she performed a somersault over the counter.
She then activated her 'Stealth Mode', and tiptoed into the kitchen, where Donut Joe prepared all of his donut pastries, and on special occasions, where he, Gordan Ramsey, Jamie Oliver, and Captain Bird's Eye would hang out and play Poker.
Pinkie Pie crept up to one of the refrigerators where Donut Joe kept ingredients used in the making of his donuts, as well as Captain Bird's other Eye (funny story, actually. Long Story short, Captain Bird had one of his eyes gouged out by Gordan Ramsey with a spoon). On the refrigerator door, there was a keypad, which unlocked the door when the correct four-digit code was inputted.
Pinkie Pie didn't know the code, so she tore the door off and threw it aside. She then reached searched the contents of the refrigerator, throwing out boxes of eggs, jars of strawberry jam, and JarJar Binks from Star Wars (so THAT'S where he's been all this time!) until she found what she was looking for.
A kid's carton of orange juice with a straw stuck to the side. Pinkie Pie grabbed that shit and held it high above her head, where it began to rotate slowly in her hooves, and the 'Item Get' theme from Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, when you open up a large treasure chest, began to play. When the music ended, Pinkie Pie removed the straw, jabbed it into the juice carton, drank it LIKE A BAWS, and threw into the rubbish bin, before leaving the kitchen and heading to the office opposite, where Donut Joe was waiting for her, sitting behind a large table in a large rotating chair, and stroking a skinny white cat.
''Welcome back, Miss Pinkie Pie,'' Donut Joe said in a Gary Oldman-esque sort of accent, stroking his white cat as he spoke. ''I assume you have what I want in exchange for...the 'good stuff'?''
Pinkie Pie nodded her head. ''I WHAT HAVE WANT YOU!'' replied the pink pony. She approached the table and placed a hoof into her mane. After rummaging around for a few seconds, she pulled out a small bag. Pinkie Pie threw the small bag onto the table, and a little toy mouse fell out of it.
Donut Joe squee'd in delight. ''Hooray! You got it! Now me and my pussy here can have lots of fun!''
Throwing his cat at the wall, Donut Joe reach under the table and pulled out a bag that was a little bit larger than the one Pinkie had produced. ''Here you go, Miss Pinkie! One bag of the 'good stuff'. Go ahead and try a sample, won't you?'' Pinkie Pie opened up the bag to find a mass of white powder within.
Scooping up a handful (or should I say 'hoof-ful?) of the powdery substance, she brought it up to her muzzle and took sniffed the lot up her nose. Her eyes popped out of her head, and Donut Joe had to bend down to pick them up and put them back. ''Well, what you think?'' he asked with a smile.
Pinkie Pie couldn't contain her excitement. ''WHAT DO I THINK? THIS IS THE BEST QUALITY SUGAR EVER!''
The End.
Oh, I almost forgot! When Pinkie Pie returned back to Ponyville, she set fire to Sweet Apple Acres and Carousel Boutique so that Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle couldn't tell her families about Pinkie Pie using her DragonBorn powers on them. Since Scootaloo had no parents (as far as we know, anyway), Pinkie Pie urinated on the pegasus' filly's cardboard box instead.
Author's Note
Well, here's another trollfic written by Yours Truly. Nah, I'm joking. He didn't write it, I did.
Why did I write something as bizarre and illogical as this? Well, because I could. Screw sense and logic.
Of course, if you think this is weird, you should check out my Youtube Channel. I got all sorts of stuff on there. Also, if you viewers and readers have a suggestion regarding which My Little Pony character you think I should write about in my next trollfic, please let me know. GIVE MEH YOUR SUGGESTIONZ!
Also, if you experienced any headaches or loss of sanity during the reading of this story, we highly recommend that you evacuate the room, take a couple of painkillers, and help yourself to the punch and cookies by the door (epic thumbs-up to anypony who gets that last part)
Until my next act of insanity, I bid you all adieu. Be Unique and stay Unique, you wonderful awesome peoples you!
