The Zen of Apples

Illusion

“Confound it!”

Granny Smith cursed as she wrestled with the bag of flour in front of her.

“Language, Granny Smith,” Big McIntosh chided gently, “Ya know how impressionable young Apple Bloom is.”

The wizened old mare glared sourly at her grandson as he entered the kitchen. She turned to the kitchen table where the filly in question sat, then let out a sigh of relief. Apple Bloom was too busy battling with her homework to have heard the curse.

She turned back to Big McIntosh and felt her eye twitch in irritation at the amused glint in his eyes. “Give yer granny a hoof, will ya? I keep sayin', they need ta stop makin' and usin' these here blasted child-proof flour whatsits! Why, back in MY day, we didn' NEED these fargling-”

Big McIntosh tuned out Granny Smith's rant with practiced ease, took the bag of flour and calmly tore it open, child-proof indeed. He placed the bag of flour in front of her, and turned to the kitchen table.

He felt a grin twitch at his lips at what he saw. His youngest sibling was giving the pages of homework in front of her a death glare that even Nightmare Moon would be envious of.

Taking his seat at the table across from her, he saw that she was busy with math. Strange, he always figured that she would take more after him than Applejack. AJ absolutely hated mathematics. Evidently young Apple Bloom felt the same.

Thinking of schoolwork made him recall his own years spent in the Ponyville Schoolhouse, the few that he attended, anyway.

Big McIntosh never had much difficulty with the offered subjects, and spent more time sleeping than studying in class, much to his teacher's chagrin. If there was something he regretted in his short life, it was not completing his education. Sure, it wouldn't do him a world of good now, considering he worked for himself. But the thought of having the certification behind his name would be nice.

He was brought out of his thoughts when a hot cup of tea was placed in front of him. He thanked Granny Smith and eyed the cup of steaming liquid.

Tea had never really been something he enjoyed. It made him feel sleepy. The complete opposite of what coffee did for him. Coffee gave him the extra energy he needed to wake up and be alert for work, an incredible beverage, if he thought so himself.

Granny Smith frequently tried to get him to enjoy the pleasures of tea, much to his displeasure. In fact, he had not touched the stuff since he was a colt.

The scarlet stallion bit his lip thoughtfully, still eying the cooling cup of tea. Maybe being sleepy would do him some good. He hadn't been getting much sleep as of late. He would need a good night's rest for tomorrow, what with that picnic he'd been invited to.

Oh, right, the picnic. After he'd bid Rose a good afternoon, she had hesitated before asking him a most curious question. “Say, Mackie?” she had asked, giving him a hopeful look. “Would you like to hang out tomorrow? W-with all of us, I mean! I'm sure your old school friends would enjoy seeing you again.”

The farmpony had paused to give her a curious look, and agreed. He didn't want to look into those shining big eyes and deny her. It really had been a long time since he'd seen any of his fellow schoolmates. It would be interesting at the very least.

The hug she gave him afterward was nice too. He'd even chuckled as she stammered out an apology and the details of where to meet up, before rushing off to complete her own errands.

Big McIntosh briefly returned to the present when Applejack entered the kitchen followed by the other five elements of harmony. His sister had probably invited them over for dinner.

The stallion observed the odd group of mixed personalities for a moment before turning back to gazing into his tea. His reflection stared back with the same indifferent expression on his own face.

He took a sip.

Hmm, not bad, could do with some more sugar, though. Oh well, can't have everything.

The stallion was disturbed again from his thoughts when somepony latched onto him. He briefly considered letting out a sigh at the sight of a familiar pink mane, but decided not to.

“Hi~ Mackie, whatcha doin'? Ooh! Is that tea? I didn't know you liked tea, 'cus you're always drinking coffee whenever I see you, so this is pretty darn strange! Hey! Maybe you're secretly not big Mackie! Maybe you're a creepy-icky-nasty-meany bug pony that can change his looks?! GASP! Oh no! We've gotta rescue you! Wait, where is the real you, Mr. Not-big-mac-but-instead-an-icky-bug-pony-body-snatching-pony, huh, huh, huh?!” Pinkie climbed onto his shoulders, leaned over his head and peered into his eyes searchingly.

For his own sanity, Big McIntosh decided not to respond. He recalled an old Colt Scouts nugget of wisdom. When faced with a bear, play dead. Perhaps if he stayed absolutely still she would go away. Like a bear… a pink, hyperactive, candy-guzzling bear.

The farmpony kept an indifferent expression on his face, matching Pinkie Pie's stare with one of his own.

He calmly took a sip of his tea.

The pink maned mare deflated. “Awww, pooh, not even a reaction?” She narrowed her eyes at him. “Oh! You're good! But not Pinkie good! I'm keeping my eyes on you, buster!” The mare pulled a kazoo out of nowhere and blew it into his face. “PFWOOOT!”

Big McIntosh blinked.

Pinkie Pie felt an eyebrow twitch.

He took another sip of his tea.

“Awww, you're REALLY good!” She sat down to his left, folded her front hooves and let out a huff of frustration.

“Pinkie Pie, dear, please don't disturb him. He looks simply exhausted. Why, the poor dear must have worked himself to death! I can't imagine having to work in this absolutely, dreadful heat!” an indigo maned mare sat down to his right, Rarity if he recalled correctly.

“I apologize for Pinkie's antics, my dear. She can be a bit extreme sometimes when trying to get somepony to smile,” she explained, offering an apologetic grin.

“Ain't a problem, Miss Rarity. After all, Ah'm used ta dealin' with young Apple Bloom's antics. Pinkie's own aren't that much worse.”

“Hey!” “Hey~!” Two offended voices cried out.

He continued, skillfully ignoring their outrage. “Thank ya kindly, all the same,” he offered a polite smile.

Rarity smiled delightfully. “Oh my! A true gentlecolt, and with such fine manners too!” The mare turned a pointed look to the elder Apple clan sister. “If only some of it could rub off on your brutish sibling. She can be so abrasive at times!”

Applejack slammed down the glass of water she was drinking. “Say what now?!” She glared heatedly at the light gray coated mare. “Who're ya callin' 'uh-braysive'?!”

Rarity tittered daintily. “I notice you did not deny your brutishness!”

The Stetson wearing farmpony growled, directing a glare at the fashionista. “Ah'll show ya m'ah brutish hoof if'n ya don't simmer down!”

“Girls! Girls! Calm down! Friends don't fight!”

Twilight Sparkle huffed in agitation. Everypony had gotten along just fine not even ten minutes ago. She had hoped to end the day on a high note after the gala-ticket madness. Some days it felt as if Rarity and Applejack were like oil and water. “Now, what do you have to say to each other?”

Applejack scoffed but begrudgingly extended a hoof to Rarity. “Sorry ah threat'nd ta knock yer pretty face in, Rarity.”

The fashionista sighed and accepted the farmpony's gesture. “And I apologize for riling you up, Applejack. It was most... unladylike of me.

Twilight smiled brightly and took a seat on the opposite side of the table, next to Apple Bloom.

She was joined by Rainbow Dash to her left. The athletic pegasus seemed to be deep in thought, probably picturing herself flying with the Wonderbolts at the gala.

The table's attention was drawn to a groan from the youngest member of clan Apple.

“Ponyfeathers! Ah really, really don' like math!” she whined.

Twilight perked up. “Oh, it's not that bad, Apple Bloom.” She turned to look over the young filly's head. “What are you having difficulty with?”

Apple Bloom sulked. “This here dang word problem, it just don' make any sense!”

The lavender unicorn furrowed her brow and read the question. “A dress is on sale for 97 bits. You don't have the bits, so you borrow 50 from one friend, and 50 more from another. You now have 100 bits. You bought the dress and have 3 bits left. You give both your friends 1 bit each and keep 1 bit for yourself. You now owe your friends 49 bits each. So 49 plus 49 equals 98, plus your 1 bit equals 99 bits. Where is the missing bit?”

Twilight frowned and rubbed her eyes tiredly. “What on earth? This doesn't make any sense!”

Apple Bloom agreed wholeheartedly. “Yeah, what's up with this stupid problem?”

Rarity clucked her tongue in disapproval. “What I would like to know is who would be insane enough to pay ninety-seven bits for one dress. The most I ask for some of my most extravagant creations never exceed seventy bits!”

Pinkie beamed at the fashionista. “I dunno, Rarity. Maybe it's made of all the tastiest candies in all the land! Hmmm, yummy! Aw pooh, now I'm in the mood for some sweets,” she said with a pout.

Applejack scoffed. “Phooey! Ya'll don't need them fancy math’er’matics to buck a tree an' handle a farm. Nope. No sirree!”

Twilight sighed and shot Applejack a stern look. “Applejack, math is very important in all aspects of life.” The mare glared at the problem again, and felt an eye twitch in irritation. “Anyways, this problem doesn't make any sense! Where does that bit go missing? Just what kind of problem is this?”

“It’s one of false logic..”

The table went silent as everypony stared at the pony that had spoken.

Big McIntosh raised an eyebrow questioningly. “What?”

Twilight scrunched her muzzle in confusion. “What do you mean by that, Big Mac?”

The stallion shrugged. “The bit never went missin', Miss Sparkle. Ya still had it all along.” He drank the last of his tea and smacked his lips. Not bad.

He turned to face Twilight again. “Why are ya'll adding the last bit that ya have left to the ninety-eight ya still owe? Yer supposed to subtract it if'n ya pay it back, which makes ya owe ninety-seven. There's no bit missin' at all. It’s pretty silly really, when ya think about it.”

Twilight blinked in surprise, then slowly raised her hoof and pinched the bridge of her muzzle. “I can't believe I didn't notice that...” She perked up and scrutinized the stallion. “You appear to have a knack for numbers, Big Mac. How much do you know?”

Big McIntosh felt a shiver run up his spine at the hungry look on Twilight's face; she wasn't going to eat him or something, right?

“Ah only know how ta do the basics, Miss Sparkle, nothing fancy like yer expectin'. Jus' simple addin', subtractin', multiplyin', division an' stuff. Heck! Ah reckon young Apple Bloom knows more than Ah do.”

The lavender mare merely grinned. “No need to be so modest, Big Mac! I'm sure you're more advanced than you realize. If you want, I can prove it to you even!”

Big McIntosh briefly entertained the thought of running for his life.

Pinkie Pie perked up. “Oh, oh, oh! I know! Let's play the counting game! Anypony can play it, I'll start us off!” She faced Rainbow Dash with a beaming grin. “You! What's one plus one?!”

The now alert athletic pegasus blinked slowly. “Wait... Is this supposed to be a trick question?”

The party pony wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. “Oooh, I don't know. Is it?”

“Then the answer is 'it'!”

Twilight held back the desire to correct the rainbow maned mare. “...What exactly do you mean by 'it', Rainbow Dash?”

Rainbow Dash smirked coyly, eyes narrow into slits. “Oh, you know what I'm talking about, Twilight...”

The lavender unicorn tilted her head to the side quizzically. “Um, no?”

“Eep!” she squirmed as her rainbow maned friend huddled up to her side, pulled her closer with a wing while rubbing her cheek against her own.

“You know, 'it'?” her smirk widened, “When one pony and another pony who are very good friends, get together and do 'it'.”

Thump!

Rainbow Dash cracked up as Twilight seemingly fainted. Her laughter quickly came to an end however, when Apple Bloom shyly spoke up.

“Um, what's 'it' mean? An' how does it involve two ponies?”

The table went silent again.

Big McIntosh blinked as a canary cream coated mare made herself known; Fluttershy, his mind supplied helpfully.

“O-oh! W-well, when two ponies a-are very friendly with each other, t-they, they...” her explanation became completely inaudible as she trailed off. From the rosy tint on her cheeks it didn't take a genius to guess what the rest of her explanation was about.

Applejack chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of her neck sheepishly. “Erm, ah reckon ya will find out when yer older, Apple Bloom.”

The filly in question pouted. “But ah wanna find out now! Ah'm not a lil' filly anymore!” She turned to Big Mac. “C'mon, big brother, please tell me what everypony means when they're talkin' about 'it'?”

The scarlet stallion briefly felt his mind shut down before restarting. “W-well! What 'it' is, is-” He looked at the others seated at the table; hoping somepony would bail him out. The mares pointedly avoided his eyes, all sporting blushes. Traitors!

Big McIntosh took a deep breath, thought of his 'happy place', and exhaled.

“Well Apple Bloom, it goes somethin' like this. There comes a time in a pony's life when they realize the world ain't flat, cider don't rain from the heavens, and Leprechauns’re only a fairy tale.”

The bearers of the elements of harmony goggled at the stallion. Was he actually going to tell a filly about something ppp-rated?!”

“Ya see, when two ponies that are real fond of one another get together, they do somethin' magical, and that is what 'it' is.”

The filly groaned and gave her older brother a pleading look. “But WHAT exactly is 'it', yer not makin' sense, Big Mac!”

“Right ya are, Apple Bloom. The 'it', the activity that two good friends do with one another, is...”

Apple Bloom leaned forward eagerly. The six mares paled. Was he actually going to-?

“Well, ah'll just come an' say it. That 'it', is when two ponies actually have a good time with one another.”

The element bearers gasped, he actually told an impressionable little filly something like that!

The filly in question smiled brightly. “Oh! Why didn't ya'll jus' say so from the start? Sheesh, ya'll are actin' like it's s'posed ter be somethin' real hush, hush-like. Ah do that all o' the time with Twist!”

Big McIntosh heard the familiar sound of several facehoofs. He couldn't blame them. Apple Bloom was as dense as she was cute.

Oh well, crisis averted.

Later...

The sound of snoring filled the room of the only stallion living on Sweet Apple Acres.

Big McIntosh let out an exhausted sigh, careful not to disturb the young filly cuddling by his side. She had a habit of seeking his comfort after being woken from nightmares. He didn't mind, really, Applejack did the same before she grew out of it.

Sleep had not come easy for him, his thoughts too chaotic to allow him any rest. Each attempt to clear his mind ended in one failure after another. Eventually he had given up after his head started aching. He now simply lay in his bed, staring tiredly at the ceiling, letting his thoughts come and go as they pleased.

The scarlet coated stallion turned to look at the alarm clock on his nightstand.

-5:36AM-

Great. The get together was a little over six hours away. He briefly wondered if he would fall asleep mid-conversation, it sure would make for an amusing party trick. Picnic trick, whatever. Rose might not be amused, though. She seemed to be quite skittish around him. “I wonder why?” he whispered to himself. He groaned, mentally berating himself. He was supposed to be getting sleep, not thinking about not getting sleep.

The farmpony tapped his chin thoughtfully. “Maybe ah'm nervous about that picnic? Sure might explain why ah ain't getting' any shut-eye,”  he mumbled beneath his breath.

He blinked at the realization and felt his mind slowly calm down. “The future is an illusion. The only reality is now,” he mused thoughtfully.

He smiled, closed his eyes and finally joined Apple Bloom in realm of the sleeping.