Confessions Of An Assuming Mare.

by overlord-flinx

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1478

Confessions are to be told in confidence... Without anyone else being around to hear them. It's a way of getting something off your chest... Too bad confessions make for good comedy.

WARNING: Names have been altered to protect the innocent. For the convenience of our anonymous confessors, we have turned out all the lights and have altered their voice.

Confessions are to be told in confidence... Without anyone else being around to hear them. It's a way of getting something off your chest... Too bad confessions make for good comedy.

"We deal with all kinds of ponies here. From crazy, to just a pony wanting to find someone to tell a story to. We listen... Then sell the tapes. It's a dirty business, but it's OUR business to sell their business. It's a business-business."

Primarily told in alternating POVs.

Published 2013-09-08 04:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-14 21:06:28 UTC

Satellite - Confession. "My... 'friend'."

Indeed... A... Confession. Of course. I am... familiar with these sort of things. Hm...

For thou shalt see, I know of this mare. She is a very educated, elegant, and eligible mare to be sure. However-so... She has this... concerning matter. In her life, she is joined to the proverbial hip with her elder... 'friend'. This... 'friend'... Is much more 'developed' than I-yyy she is. This mare I am acquainted, that is. While this mare adores her 'friend', she would also adore nothing more then to distance herself a great deal from her 'friend' so that she CAN GET SOME TARTURUS FORSAKEN BACK ONCE IN HER LIFE! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK!? I mean, by Makers! How dost one suppose a mare shalt get one moment alone with a dashing stallion when her sister is strutting around like a strumpet!?

...I mean 'friend'.

Wubbing It - Confession. "Lay it all out."

A confession, hm? Alright, I'll play along. I even have something I want to confess... Win-win.

I'll make this short and sweet. I am a performer. I entertain parties and whatever else I can with music. But... We all need a little boost here and there. Some ponies drink coffee, or take medicine to keep them up. Me? I do lines of weed. And no, I don't mean marijuana. I mean weed-weed... Crabgrass, dandelions, that sort of stuff. I crush it up and sniff it up. Why? Because it's my good luck charm.

This is a confessional. Don't judge me. I'm sure you do weird things too.

Calm - Confession. "I can trust you?"

O-Okay... I was told I can confess things here. Well... I do have something that's been really bothering me. So... I can trust you, right?

It's like this... I live alone. Not really by choice... But, well, because I don't have any parents. They both 'disappeared' after a horrible train accident. They say it was an accident... But it was MY fault! Oh, Celestia! I was just a filly! The other ponies said putting a bit on the train tracks would be funny! I-I-I...! I didn't even know they were on the train that night! I killed my own parents! O-Oh! And it gets worse! The train roster said two members of the "Apple Family" where on there too! Oh... Oh Celestia, I couldn't bare to tell the Apples what I did. I didn't mean to...

I'm... I'm horrible...

BORING!: Confession. "Uh..."

Confession? Uh... Well I-- No...

How 'bout the time I--N-no... Came clean on that one... Well, I've been dying to--Shoot... Everypony already knows that... Consarn it! I ain't got nothin' to confess!

Shoo... Sorry 'bout wastin' yer' time.

Starscream - Confession 2. "I didn't miss much."

Yeah. Turns out I had something else I needed to spill. What can you do, right?

It always sorta bothered me when I saw all the pegasi I knew in Flight Camp get their diplomas at the end of the year. Still bugs me to this day... Honestly, I never passed Flight Camp. Heck, I never passed middle school. I have no education outside of elementry school and what I learned from experience. But did that stop me? No. I got a kicking job, I do what I love, and nopony is the wiser.

But... Still nice to admit things from time to time. Heh.

Intro: Confessions of an Assuming Mare.

To sin is to be normal... To confess to those sins is also normal. We as a species stride towards the dream that everyone will one day understand why we do what we do. Today, tomorrow, maybe it was yesterday for all we know. That's the biggest problem with confessing. Once you confess, you don't feel the need to telling someone you did it; only that your conscious is clear and you won't look back. However, with thoughts like that, it's no wonder that ponies today don't know if we understand the sins we've done. If we only hide once we clear the board, how do we make any ground?

Why... By leaking said confessions out into the public of course. Some would say that's a crime or immoral. But you don't see anypony wagging their hooves at the school councilor when they tell the little colt's parents that he told her he punched little Featherweight in the muzzle after the councilor promised she wouldn't tell, do you? No... No you don't. Or what about a reality television show? Do you see them getting nailed to a cross for putting up private confessions to the live viewing audience? Probably not because we haven't invented the TV yet in Equestria. But if we did, you would most likely see that. Take my word for it.

So, if these two things are allowed to post confessions to other ponies as they see fit, why can't anypony else? Why is it so immoral? I don't see why, and chances are you don't either. Yet, I'm not without sensitivity... These confessions are kept fairly confidential. The ponies that have offered to confess for something have had their names stripped away from any means of the viewing public to know who they are. Also, we've silhouetted them so as not to let anyone notice them. With these things and the magic of technical voice modulating, no pony will enter their confessional with the worry of being found out...

However... I will state one simple stipulation before we release any recorded confessions... If they out themselves, that's their own problem... We have waivers preventing us from any law suits. That all said, I am happy to release to you "Confessions of An Assuming Mare". Trade Mark, whatever year it is you found this. Also, while on the subject of trademarks, I'd also like to put a few preemptive trademarks on the clever names our focus groups made for our confessors' assumed identities. We think they're very clever and have no intention of letting anyone steal them... Unless you have lawyers; in which case, take them. Just don't sue us...

Starscream - Confession. "No big whoop."

Yeah... I have a confession. It's nothing big, really. Psh. Not even worth talking about, seriously. But...

So, yeah... I know mares with these crazy mane styles. Updos, downdos, Lodi-dos, whatever! And some of them have these weird colors to them. Just look at princess Celestia and Princess Luna. What's up with those manes? Eh? You get the idea... That's why, when I was a squirt, Heh... Celestia, I got so jealous of the other mares, you know? I just... I just had to make my mane original. So, I admit it... This isn't how my mane naturally looks. My mane was so lame back when I was a filly -Celestia!- I died every day I went back to Flight Camp. When I finally changed it, I really came into my own. Took the do to get me to the door, but I was the one who opened it. I have no regrets what so ever.

...Gotta say... Feels good to admit that. I might use this thing some other time. Feels kind of... liberating.

Nerdlinger - Confession. "Its been eating me!"

A confession? Good! I have something that's been KILLING ME! I... I have to. I just have to spit this out!

Alright... Phew... Calm down a moment. Breathe in and out slowly... Okay. Now, I have a confession to make. It's very important to me to say this. But, at the same time, it stings to even remember it. Just the hours of lying and misdirecting I did to friends and family just so they wouldn't find out. Its been stressing the flying feathers out of me for YEARS! That's why this confession feels so right at this point. You can't hide from your problems forever, right? Heh-heh... Eh-hem! So... My confession... Ffffff... Harder then I thought. I'll just... come out and say it. I... I never passed kindergarten!

I'm sorry mom! Your little girl just couldn't nap! I had to read! I HAD TO READ! They told me to sleep but I just kept reading, and reading, and--AHH! I just couldn't do it! I soiled the family name! Forgive me, the high board of education! I don't deserve books! I'm a fraud! A sham! I don't even have a diploma from-- Wait...

...They don't have diploma's for kindergarten, do they? No... Wait a second... Kindergarten isn't even a necessary part of a school curriculum, is it? No! So... I don't need to feel bad after all. Oh, Celestia, I feel better already. That is a load off of my mind. Turns out, I just needed this little sit down alone to confess out-loud to sort things out. This has been a productive day if I say so myself.