Raust, Slayer of Hope

by Uberdeathninja

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Crossover, Comedy
Length: 3695

A planeswalker-hunting lich takes his "business" to the peaceful land of equestria.

Raust, Formerly a Sabbath of the Undying, is now the Slayer of Hope, a prestigious title given to him by R'tas the Cruel, the most renowned, villainous, and generally despicable necromancer/cryomancer in the Multiverse. But what exactly does a Slayer of Hope do, you may ask? Well, they have but one purpose: hunt down any new Planeswalkers that pop up and either convert or crush them. Raust, being a cruel, misogynistic, and sadistic lich, loves his new job with a passion, and has six undead goons to help him do it. But what happens when his hope-slaying job takes him to a realm full of nothing BUT hope and happiness? Worse yet, what if this new planeswalker turns out to be out of his league, even with the help of his "Ghoul Gang"?
Well, like Raust always says: "If ya can't beat 'em, cheat 'em!"

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-30 05:03:22 UTC

Prologue: Let's get crackin', boys!

Raust sat upon his elegant throne of gilded bones, pondering the new task R'tas gave to him.

And by ponder, I mean rage at.

"WHAT?!? Another one!? Wasn't the cross-eyed, retarded-looking one the only one? Why am I going after ANOTHER pony?" Raust, demanded to R'tas, his voice filled to burst with anger. He already destroyed one equestrian planeswalker by the name of Derpy, and wasn't keen on the idea of seeing another one from that particular plane for a long time. Not since the scars that one alone gave him.

R'tas the Cruel sighed, his reptilian face hidden under a full, air-tight helmet.

"Look," Consoled R'tas, "I know it's short notice, but I promise it's the last one, and I'll pay double. I'll even let you skip straight to killing it. C'mon, please?" R'tas pleaded. He raised Raust using his magic, but that didn't stop the lich from getting a serious case of butthurt when hard work was mentioned. That's the price you pay for letting your minions have free will, He supposed.

Raust Considered this. He got quite the hefty sum from bringing R'tas the head of Cross-eyes, almost 50,000 credits to be exact. If this planeswalker was worth double, he could finally pay off Phyrexia for the Phylactery he'd bought from them. Damn, Darksteel was expensive. But it was worth it. 'And', he decided to himself, 'so will this contract...' "Alright, I'll do it."

R'tas' Posture straightened. "You will?! Excellent!" He exclaimed with great joy. "Remember, just bring me this one's head. I don't think we can turn her, judging by her background. And for god's sake, PLEASE keep Gorgo from eating her after you kill her. I barely recognized the last corpse you brought me through all the teeth marks. At least her eyes were intact..." R'tas scolded Raust.

Raust let out a dry, rattling sigh. "Don't worry, boss, I'll bring the whole body without a single scorchmark on it."

"you'd better, Raust. Your paycheck depends on it." R'tas warned, then the necromancer twirled his cape and vanished.

Raust moaned. He hated getting lectured by the boss about doing contracts right, especially when it was his henchmen's fault that they failed. Sometimes, it was like they didn't try. Gorgo is a Gluttonous idiot who only cares about his next meal, Twitchy's a bipolar psycho, Auger's a Sado-masochistic psycho, Stabby is, well, Stabby, and Macro is a fuckin' lazy prick. The only useful one is Feist, and he's too damn quiet. At least he follows orders correctly. The others need help finding whatever's in front of them, ESPECIALLY Gorgo. Seriously, he's like Caboose. Everyone says it's cute, and funny, but it's not. It's annoying as all fuck. It really is.

Raust got up from his throne, then proceeded to the break room, where his gaggle of henchmen, whom all have coined themselves the cheesy-as-all-hell name "The Ghoul Gang". The only ones who didn't vote for it were him and Feist, and Feist can't or won't vote anyway, being a social Shut-out. As Raust entered the break room, everyone was as he thought they'd be: Twitchy was talking to himself all Gollum-style in a corner, Stabby was shanking the crap out of a mannequin, Gorgo was emptying the pantry, Macro was helping Gorgo, Auger was busy dissecting a trophy corpse, and Feist was standing there and being Feist. Raust finished looking over his squad of morons and got their attention with a stomp of his booted foot.

"Alright, men, and Twitchy, we've got another contract. Equestrian, just like the last one, and probably just as annoying." Everyone but Feist groaned, and Gorgo clutched his head. Raust understood why perfectly. Equestria was a horrible place, full of light and happiness and friendship. They'd barely survived their first encounter, but now they knew what to expect. At least, Raust hoped so. "Alright, no whining, we're getting paid double for this one, so let's try not to lose, eat, immolate, or dismember this one, alright?" Everyone murmered or, in the case of Feist, nodded in agreement.

"Alright, Ghoul Gang, let's move out."

Raust's inevitable (but reluctant) return to Equestria

It was a sad day in Equestria, Especially for Twilight and her friends. This day marked the first time the undead planeswalker, Raust, Slayer of Hope, set foot in Equestria, and the day they lost an entire city to his "Ghoul Gang". He had come for one of them, and when they denied him, he loosed a fury upon their realm that Hell itself would shudder to bear witness to. In the attack, they lost many brave ponies to the lich, including the one he came for. Poor Derpy, she didn't deserve to be killed by a rotting mound of undead flesh, much less one with a chainsaw. But, many now rejoiced, for Raust would never set foot in Equestria ever again, They would see to that. Or, at least, that's what they thought.

As the six ponies mourned, a sinister portal opened near ponyville, and six undead creatures stepped out, the dreaded Ghoul Gang. Raust told them to find a planeswalker that had just popped up around here, and find one they will. Will they be able to KILL it, though? That was the question since their encounter with Derpy. She was so infuriating, Raust let Gorgo eat her while she was still alive. Anyway, the Ghoul Gang moved in on the town and prepared to do what they did best: make a huge-ass mess out of everything, with maximum casualties.

Twilight first heard crashes, then screams. As the six turned to face the noise, they saw Ponyville ablaze, with six familiar characters adding to the chaos, characters the mane six hoped to never see again: the Ghoul Gang, AKA the creeps that worked for that big bully, Raust. However, they didn't see Raust anywhere. This Didn't concern them, however, as six near-invincible, undead juggernauts were tearing the town apart looking for something, or, rather, somePONY.

"Alright, girls," yelled Twilight, "let's make these chumps regret coming back here!" The six cheered in agreement, then Charged off toward the six ruffians. It was about time they had a rematch with those bullies.

The Ghoul Gang had already set the town ablaze in an attempt to to draw the heroes to them, as was the usual strategy. It was obvious and cliche', but it always worked. Now, they were hearing familiar screams of anger from six very familiar figures: Those pesky Mane six, and a planeswalker was among them, according to Raust. The six got into battle positions as they waited for their prey.

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The Mane Six charged their unmoving  opponents, and the Ghoul Gang stood ready for them. Just as Rainbow Dash was about to ram them at full speed, Macro shouted "SCATTER!!!", and they did just that, causing poor Rainbow to hit the dirt, hard. Twilight coughed as dust billowed all around them, then used her wings to fan it away from her, as little good that did her.

"Why are you back here!? You got what you wanted! Just leave us alone!" Shouted Twilight as she searched for her adversaries.

"Sorry, love. We can't go until we get a planeswalker..." Called macro from the dust. "So, just hand yourself over, and we'll be off."

Twilight reeled back in shock. "Wait, you mean ME!? Why do you want me?" She asked, utterly stumped.

Macro laughed an evil, raspy laugh. "You really don't know? And here I thought you were the bright one, 'princess'." He called in a mocking tone. "Here, love, let me explain it for you: You're spark's just ignited recently, and that put you on R'tas's Shit list." Macro gave another hearty laugh. "so, love, this can go one of two ways: one, We win. Or two, You and your friends lose. What's it gonna be?"

Twilight growled. "I don't know what kind of bacteria are crawling in your decayed brain, but I'm not handing myself over on a hunch. Now, here are my options. One, you leave, or two, we make you. You caused enough trouble here, don't make us destroy you!"

A raspy, reptilian cackle pierced the dust cloud: "Keh heh heh! Awww, the little princess-in-training wants to get big with us! How adorable! Stupid, but adorable!"

A great, low, earth-shaking voice called out soon after: "Oi, Macro! Can we's eats her now? I'm starvin' here!

Macro groaned in annoyance. "Shut it, both of you! Alright, love, you've had time to think about it, give us your answer."

Twilight searched for the source of the voices, but to no avail. Finally she sighed in defeat. "Fine, but show yourselves first! I at least want to see before I die."

"Hmmm..." hummed Macro thoughtfully. "I suppose we could give you that much. Alright, Love, I'll let you see your executioner."

Suddenly, the dust parted, and Twilight's friends were revealed, unconscious and bound to Gorgo, the enormous Gravehulk. Then, Macro snapped his armored fingers, and Stabby took a hungry but cautious step forward, like a wolf toward its prey.

"Well, love, it's been fun, but I'm afraid your road ends here. Any last words before Stabby shanks you to death?

Twilight put a hoof to her chin in a ponderous manner, then said: "Just three, actually."

Macro suppressed a laugh.

Macro harrumphed. "Well? Spit 'em out, then."

Twilight merely smiled arrogantly, then said: "See you, 'love'."

Before Macro could react, Twilight teleported out of his reach, then flew off toward the Castle of Canterlot.

Macro's red eye twitched, Then he began to shake with rage, causing everyone to back away. Then, he shouted at everyone, not even stopping for breaths. "HOW DID THAT HAPPEN!?!? WHY!?! WHYYYY!?!?!?!?" He ranted, then stopped upon hearing a familiar voice behind him:

"Having some trouble here, Second-in-command?"

"Aww, crap..." was all Macro could say to his boss, who was now standing right behind him.

"Gorgo, spit that out right now!"

Raust looked first at an escaping Twilight Sparkle, then at his Lackeys. Needless to say, he was not happy with their performance this time around. However, he couldn't help but laugh maniacally, provoking odd looks from everyone, including Feist, who all had never known for him to laugh at a failure, unless it was someone else's.

"Ehm, why are you laughing as if Bieber died, boss?" Asked a very scared and confused Macro.

Raust slowed his laughter, but didn't fully stop it. "Well, my incompetent young padawan, Heh heh, you seem to have attracted some attention my way, which means Celestia will doubtlessly know I've returned to this pitiful realm, Hee hee hee!"

Macro was confused and scared, but mostly scared. Raust only laughed when someone made a sex joke, or when he was about to kill someone, and he didn't hear any "that's what she said"s recently.

"Oi, Boss, ain't that one o' them 'bad scenarios'?" Gorgo asked innocently, tilting his head in confusion. "Why's ya laughin' if we's screwed it up?"

Macro internally facepalmed at Gorgo's stupidity.

Raust, however, only laughed harder.

"That's the thing, Gorgo, Celestia's AFRAID of us!" laughed Raust. "If she finds out about this, she won't leave her room again! She'll send every guard in Equestria after us!"

Macro and Feist looked at each other, then at their greatly amused boss, whom they were sure had finally lost his mind.

Macro started first: "And, this is a good thing, how?"

Suddenly, Raust stopped laughing, and took a darker, but no less amused tone.

"you see, my ghoulish platoon, If Celestia is in her room, in CANTERLOT, waaaay away from US, she cant be there to knock us around like last time. Plus, she'll have no choice but to send her goody-goody "champions" to fight for her."

Everyone's faces began to fill with realization.

Raust lowered his face, so the shadows made it look even creepier. "and that," he said "is when we catch our plansewalker."

By now, everyone, including Gorgo, understood Raust's diabolical plan, but Stabby spoke up:

"But you didn't answer our question, why does Celestia have to know NOW?"

"Because now," Raust replied, "we have an audience, and a target."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

===============================================

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Celestia was busy quieting her many subjects who had survived the attack on Ponyville, while trying to figure out what exactly attacked them. Many reports claimed it to be the Ghoul Gang, but she waived them off as simple delusions or misunderstandings, as the Ghoul Gang were assured, by her own student, no less, to never return. Therefor, despite the assured public that was now convinced those monsters had returned, she simply ignored the rumor as a hoax.

"My little ponies," She addressed her public in the royal canterlot voice, "I assure you now, I am absolutely positive that Raust has not actually returned, and you are all perfectly safe from whatever is assaulting our peaceful nation! Now, please, remain calm while the guard is dispatched to eliminate the threat!"

The crowd quieted down a little, but was still unnerved. Just then, Twilight flew onto the balcony next to Celestia.

"Oh, thank goodness it's just you, Twilight," said Celestia, exasperated from her public address. "Please tell me you have good news..."

"The Ghoul Gang are back, and they're after me!" Twilight blurted loudly.

For a mere split second, everyone's heart inexplicably stopped.

Celestia tried to speak, but simply couldn't find any words. The Ghoul Gang were indeed back, and their new target was her own student.

"B-but... How?! Why?! I thought they... You..."

Celestia fainted on the spot.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Raust gathered his Ghoul Gang to give new orders to each of them, since their escaped prey teleported their only leverage to their respective homes. However, Raust was one to out-do, not be out-DONE.

To Stabby, he gave the orders to find and capture Rarity.

Auger was ordered to incapacitate and capture Pinky Pie in that specific order.

Twitchy got stuck with finding Applejack.

Macro, being able to fly, was sent for Rainbow Dash.

Gorgo got the task of going after Fluttershy, an easy task for the Gravehulk.

Lastly, Feist was ordered to stay with Raust, for he had a nice little plan for when the planeswalker finally showed up.

Now, they waited.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Gorgo walked through the forest slowly, devouring anything unfortunate enough to be in his way, including; Birds, rabbits, timber wolves, and even the occasional manticore. Soon, he reached his destination: a small, delicious-looking cottage in the middle of the woods, which presumably held his prey within its smashable walls. Gorgo took a thunderous step forward, then noticed all the little animals about in a little militia, the leader supposedly being a small, white rabbit. Gorgo drooled a little as he looked upon a veritable buffet, all the food just lined up and ready to be eaten. Suddenly, the rabbit squeaked something, and all the animals charged Gorgo, who roared in glee as he charged his dinner.

The doctor is in

Raust waited for Gorgo after he heard the little fight in the forest, which he heard all the way in ponyville. And, speak of the devil, there he was. No, not Stabby, the actual devil. anyway, on with the story.

"Holy crap, Flutterwhatsit's still alive! Great restraint, Gorgo!" exclaimed Raust.

"Oh, it wasn't nothin' boss, just had ta beat 'er up a bit, y'know?" Said Gorgo

Raust nodded. "Great, just chuck her over there, I'll get to it later."

Gorgo snapped a half-assed salute and tossed the trembling yellow pegasus to Feist, who caught her like a football.

"I wonda how's the rest of 'em doin'..." said Gorgo.

Reist just shrugged.

Meanwhile, at Pinkie Pie's house

Auger walked up to pinkie's shop in his usual "Killing people" attire: A white lab coat, a dark gray business- type hat, thick glasses, rubber boots and gloves, and a briefcase, which contained all his "supplies". Despite the fact that ponies were giving him odd looks and glares from their windows, he walked around like nothing was wrong. Well, nothing was wrong for him, anyways. Finally, he reached the door, then knocked on it like it was a business visit or something. after a few minutes, he heard someone say "Go away!" From behind the door. Asumming they did not hear him, he knocked again. Hard. With his boot. Unfortunately, he knocked a little too hard, as the door had flown off its hinges, and hit the back wall. Making sure to wipe his feet, he let himself in to the lovely shop, and saw the owners cowering in the corner. So, he politely asked them a question:

"Hello, sir, madame, Is Pinkie Pie home? I'm afraid she's a bit late for her appointment, and I'd hate to have to charge extra." Said Auger in a business-like fashion. (Told you he was a psycho.) The cowering couple simply pointed upstairs, still looking quite terrified.

"Excellent! My thanks. Oh, and you might want to get your door looked at, it's a tad loose. Have a nice day!" said Auger as he walked upstairs. Trying all the rooms, one at a time, he finally came to one that was locked.

"Pinky, come on out! You don't want to be late for your check-up, do you?"

"Pinky's not here! please leave a, uh, message, after the beep! Beep!" replied an answering machine that sounded an awful lot like Pinkie Pie. Not wanting to take any chances, Auger kicked Pinky's door in, only to find an answering machine on her bed. "Well, darn. I thought that was her. Oh well, guess I'll just have to check somewhere else..." Said Auger. Then, he loaded his dart gun with elephant tranquilizer and shot straight upward, and heard a yelp immediately afterward, followed by a loud thud. Turning behind him, he found a Pinkie-Pie shaped hole in the floor. Groaning, he left the room and went downstairs, and found her unconscious on the floor. He went over to pick her up, be then got karate-kicked in the face by the pink mare.

"Ha! did you think that would knock me out? I inject that stuff into myself for fun!" said a still-hyper Pinkie Pie.

"Well, aren't you full of surprises! Let's see how many come out when I cut you open." Replied Auger as he pulled out his over-sized scalpel. The two went at it for a whole hour, Auger finally managing to get Pinky across the belly with his scalpel, but also losing the instrument due to a roundhouse kick to the hand, almost damaging the appendage.

"come now, Pinkie Pie, don't be like this! Be a good little girl, and I'll give you a lollipop!" Said Auger.

"Suck on this, creep!" Shouted Pinkie Pie as she performed a flying kick into Auger's chest, her hoof coming out his back.

"Ow! That hurt!" Cried Auger, as he grabbed Pinky's leg, spun her around, then sent her flying into a wall. While she was dazed, he grabbed a leg from the table they smashed during their fight, then he walked up to her, laughing maniacly.

"Here's an experiment! Let's see if candy comes out if I hit you hard enough!" Auger raised his makeshift bat, but was stopped when he received a telepathic message from Raust:

"Yo, Auger, you there? I need the pink one, ASAP. Oh, and make sure she gets here alive, please." Auger groaned in annoyance, then picked up the unconscious pink mare, and carried her back to Raust.

"I wanted candy..." He complained as he walked to the burnt section of town where Raust set up base. Finally, he made it to Raust, and saw that Gorgo had made it back, too.

"Excellent work, Auger, just set her anywhere." Said Raust. Auger obeyed, setting her next to Feist, then they talked while they waited for the other four.

Gorgo's Victory

Fluttershy stared in absolute disgust and horror as the little animals that were defending her were torn to shreds by the gravehulk, bloody bits and giblets flying everywhere as Gorgo filled his belly with the flesh of the poor creatures, His foodlust raising with each kill and mouthful. Then, with the entirety of the militia dead, he moved on to the last one, the rabbit.

As Angel stared his adversary down, the Gravehulk revved his giant chainsaw hand, then the duel began.

Gorgo slammed his chainsaw down on the rodent, but Angel quickly dodged, then delivered a solid kick to Gorgo's vulnerable skull, causing the mountain of undead flesh to reel back in shock, but ultimately doing no damage. Gorgo then picked up a tree and smashed it down, trapping Angel.

Before Gorgo could finally kill the little pest, however, something small and yellow kicked his skull, causing him to drop to his knees.

"Leave Angel alone, you big meanie!" Shouted Fluttershy as she moved between Gorgo and his food, something only a complete moron would ever do. Moron or not, there she stood, staring defiantly at The Ghoul Gang's strongest, hungriest member.

Gorgo, seething with rage, roared at Fluttershy, then charged at her, chainsaw ready. Fluttershy dodged, causing Gorgo to stumble, then spin-kicked him in the back, knocking him down. Gorgo recovered quicker than Fluttershy could react, though, and grabbed her, throwing her into her cottage as hard as he could. Fluttershy flew through the cottage and into a boulder, making a Fluttershy-shaped indentation in it, and breaking more than a few bones. Dazed, Fluttershy could do nothing while the massive gravehulk charged at her, still embedded into the rock, and smashed into her headfirst, shattering the boulder and sending the little yellow pegasus flying into a tree.

Unable to sustain any more damage, Fluttershy collapsed onto the ground as Gorgo towered over her, laughing loudly and boastfully at her. "Gwa ha ha!!! Good effort, kid, but ya can't stop a train, now can ya? Now be a good li'l girl an' stay down, so we's can get ya back to Raust."

Unable to resist, Fluttershy could only lay there as Gorgo picked her up and carried her back to Raust.

One down, five to go.