Freemane's Mind

by nucnik

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Braeburn, Comedy, Random, Derpy Hooves, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Princess Luna
Length: 53243

A firsthoof account of one of Equestria's less talked about ponies and the journeys he's on. Loosely based on and a tribute to the Freeman's Mind series.

Gordon Freemane is a pony who never got the memo about the Harmony that binds all of Equestria together. Or perhaps he's more in tune with the Elements of Disharmony, if there is such a thing. Whatever the case, he's as happy as can be when he's left on his own to do whatever he wants, which usually means avoiding the world around him and making plans for getting rich. It's a good thing he has a very bright mind. A very bright and active mind that helps as much as hinders him on his journeys to find the two things he loves: peace and bits.

In this firsthoof account, Dr. Freemane tells us about the places he's been, the things he did and the ponies that got in his way.

Published 2013-09-08 21:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-05 15:50:08 UTC

Episode Two: The Volcano Spa-Lair

I’m lost, aren’t I?

I was in a narrow valley surrounded by strange sharp mountains. Actually, I don’t even know if I can call them mountains. They were as high as the average hills, but the shape was unmistakable. I suppose if I was high enough, only on some plateau, I could call them mountains and given how far I’d flown I have no way of assuming otherwise. So, yeah. Mountains. But anyway, they were nothing like the soft hills I flew over just a few minutes ago and now I was walking on hard brown soil with nothing interesting around except for the smell of sulfur.

I didn’t stop at those snowcapped peaks. I didn’t land on the fields. I didn’t stop for a snack on the hills. No. I had to go on.

My method of arrival didn’t help my mood. The previous few hours were incredible. I was flying like a champ! Seriously, if you’d seen me doing it you wouldn’t think for a moment that it was my first time. Flying. Just so you don’t confuse it with anything else. Anyway, I was flying high and low, dodging trees and houses, going over the tops of mountains – anything I could do to shake the Royal Guards off my tail. They were going after me like I had just escaped from a prison, only it was a hospital, although I suppose you could say that I was technically a prisoner because of all the chains involved. Doesn't matter now. Anyway, I was so full of energy that I kept on going even after I’d lost them. Flying was just too much fun! And everything was going fine until the spell wore off.

If I would have been asleep on a cloud when that happened, the Pegasi would get a free Rorschach test made with blood spatter. I would have given them a preview of their visit to the psychiatrist.

In retrospective, it was a good thing I flew low to the ground at that moment, so when the spell did wear off I only fell for a second before hitting the side of the mountain. Tumbling down wasn’t so fun. And now I was stuck in the middle of nowhere. Theories about Derpy’s reason for giving me the purple potion were slowly surfacing, but I had more important things to worry about at that moment.

But why would I want to help the Pegasi? There are clouds forming here and I don’t see any weather ponies coming to clear them. And if they did I could at least get some directions! Featherbrains.

The weather was taking a turn for the worse so I decided to get to higher ground while there was still some hope of seeing where I was. Walking in the shadows of the mountains wasn’t fun, but at least the smell of sulfur was going away. Or maybe I was getting used to it. Either way this was a strange place. First the color, then the smell and now the clouds that were coming out of nowhere. Then it got even better! I turned a corner I saw the first sign of civilization. A whole row of them to be precise - red signs that cut the valley between two mountains in half and continued onwards over the slopes. I had to play along to what was written on them.

“DRAGONS! Caution. DRAGONS! Caution. DRAGONS! Caution. What could it mean?”

I may have inadvertently crossed over into dragon territory, but there really wasn't any reason to be worried. The Great Dragon migration had already happened, which gave me a whole generation before the next group of flying Zippos would show up next. Now, I didn’t exactly know how long a generation is in dragon terms, but given that Komodo dragons mature in nine years, I had no worries about their larger relatives having their young any sooner. And then it hit me.

Gems. Holy sweet Celestia, gems!

The math was simple. Hundreds of dragons were somewhere near me at some point. Dragons eat gems. Dragons are sloppy. If every dragon dropped just one gem on the ground and stomped it during the blood orgies, there must have been hundreds of gems buried right under the surface. That said, I could already sense that the dragon area was huge. It would take me weeks to comb through the parts that I could see and there was no way of knowing how big the whole place really was.

I should have paid more attention in Magic class. “Oh, I’m never going to need the gem finding spell.” Yeah, smart thinking kid.

Since I couldn’t use magic to see them, I had to do something else. It was time to engage my patented detective mode. I looked around and thought about everything I knew about dragons.

They fly, they have scales, their brains are the size of a walnut, the breathe fire. They’re cold-blooded.

Then I examined my surroundings a bit closer by standing motionlessly and scanning the mountains for some time and determined that there were no walnuts or scales anywhere near me. The temperature, on the other hoof, wasn’t all that great for a dragon, which left me with the last option.

If I were an intellectually challenged serpent that wanted to keep warm, where would I go?

There were only mountains around and that vanishing smell of sulfur.

A volcano.

I scanned around for signs of smoke, only the weather wasn’t cooperating. The only thing I could see were the nearby mountain tops that disappeared into the ever cloudier sky. Good thing my sense of smell was still working. I made like a dog and sniffed the air while moving into whichever direction where the smell was strongest. Unleashing my inner beast was fun.

“AUUUU!”

No, you’re a dog, not a wolf!

“Oh, right.”

After zigzagging from the base of one mountainside to the other and stopping once or twice to chase my own tail, I finally saw something useful. There was black smoke rising from a mountain in the distance. It was barely visible in the clouds, but it was there. I hoofed it . Well, to be precise, I hoofed it to the base of the mountain before becoming too tired to run, so I walked and in the end sort of dragged myself up to the top. It was totally worth it.

Dragons are sloppier than I thought.

The huge crater below me indicated that this was, in fact, a volcano. The boiling hot pool of lava in its center gave it away, but that was only half the story. There were leftover gems everywhere! And the best part? They weren’t even buried! They were scattered around in small piles all over the banking of the crater and the path that lead out of it. The way the light from the lava broke off on the gems and illuminated the gray sky above me was beautiful enough for me to write that sentence. If this wasn’t the moment to slow down and enjoy what Mother Nature and a few flying lizards had made for me, then there was no such moment.

I can see why the dragons like this place. Make the path from some river rocks; add a small hut on that ledge over there…

Multitasking is great. You can walk down the side of a volcano crater and plan you vacation house at the same time.

There’s already a pool! Even if it is lava, but so what? Make a normal one nearby and you’ve got one heated pool for your friends and another one for everypony else. But I would need to expand the lava pool, now that I think about it.

I’m sure some ponies would be bothered by the fact that the soil was getting warmer with every step down and that the volcano could go off any second. I was too busy planning.

So yeah, it’s the perfect getaway. If I can haul back enough gems, I could be living here by the end of next week. I just need to figure out a way to carry them. Why did they have to confiscate my saddlebags? The bastards!

Yeah, I was missing my saddlebags again, only this time I knew exactly who took them and why. Apparently nopony had ever seen a Taser before so when I tried using it on Lunestia it made everypony wonder what else I was hiding in my saddlebags. They took them away for further inspection, as they so eloquently put it. I was a broken chain link away from eloquently putting a hoof through somepony's face. I bet I could have made some sweet music with that.

I wonder if they'll let me have the floor plans for the Canterlot Castle back? I'm sure they have their own copies.

The thought of how much stuff I'd lost and would have to re-acquire nearly made me forget about where I was. The remainder came when I angrily kicked at the ground and nearly broke my hoof on a gem. Surprisingly, that actually got my spirits up. I looked around the crater.

Oh well, when life gives you lemons, make lemon grenades! Or something like that. I don’t know.

There was no wood around. Nothing that I could make into a makeshift cart. Only lava, powdery soil and some rocks, but I didn’t come all this way to leave the gems behind. I kicked and hovered them into a single pile while contemplating the amount of hate the universe must have had for me. I gave it a high score. Then, while I was walking around the lava pool, I accidentally kicked a gem into the boiling mess.

"Oh, no, no, no!"

The gem flew into the lava and was about half submerged by the time I got hold of it. Of course, I was smart enough that I didn’t just yank it out of there like a fish, and not only because I always end up with nothing but fish heads in the basket. I knew that I would get sprayed with lava if I did that, so I slowly levitated it straight up, allowed the bits of lava that weren’t stuck to it to fall down and then brought it back ashore. It was a sorry sight.

“Ow, you poor little thing. Now you’re covered in hot sticky lava. And now you’re turning black.”

Oh well, that’s what happens when the lava cools. It crystallizes into…

A thin layer of rock slowly formed over the gem, which told me two things. First, the gem was intact since there wasn't much smoke. Second, that rock looked an awful like the rocks in the crater, which should have probably been obvious from the start. I had judged the universe too harshly.

Of course. Lava turns into rock, rock turns into a mountain!

The problem of transporting the gems was more or less solved. I didn’t have my saddlebags and I didn’t have a wheelbarrow, but I could come back in a day or two with a carriage. All I needed to do was to dump the gems in the lava, pull them out again, cover them in some dirt and nopony would notice that they were there. It was the perfect plan! Did take some time, though.

“Hello, kids! Today we’re going to learn how to make a chocolate fondue. First, grab a bunch of strawberries and hover them over the pot. Now, gently lower them in…”

I was having way too much fun. Seeing the gems go in and come out glowing yellow and orange, then settling down to black and brown was intoxicating. It wasn’t long before there was a pile of them as high as Luna fusing itself into the wall of the crater. In normal circumstances you could probably see it standing out from the rest of the rock around it, but if you were standing in the middle of the crater that was illuminated by the lava, like I was, the whole thing looked more like a shadow than anything else. I was still planning on covering it with dirt to finish off the deal so all that was left to do was to get a carriage to take them away.

What was that guy’s name? The one I caught making out with that guard? Velvet Pants? Fancy Shirt? He owes me a favor and the Freemane always collects - brr, what is that?

The winds picked up, only not normal winds. There were gusts of air coming from behind me in a rhythmic motion, accompanied by the sounds of leather sheets flapping in the wind. It was a standard premise for a horror film and I was playing the scared blond mare.

No.

A heavy thump shook the ground before I had the chance to turn around and it didn’t take long for the ominous shadow to appear over me.

Stay calm. They can’t see you if you don’t move.

The dragon put its head behind mine and puffed smoke out of his nostrils.

They have thermal vision. Got it.

The situation may have taken a turn for the worse, but at least I was learning new things! I turned around slowly. Very slowly. There really was no need to make the dragon think that I was planning on attacking him or anything. I was threading on thin ice as it was. Well, the bottom of a volcano, actually, but that's beside the point. A giant red and yellow dragon was standing right behind me.

That thing's the size of a... dragon actually.

He didn’t look happy. I had to buy some time, so I started talking to him while slowly moving backwards.

“Hey there big guy! Wh-what are you doing here? Are you lost?”

Between my stuttering and his stare, I have to admit that my plan wasn’t working all that well.

“D-did you miss the migration? Heh, heh. You poor thing. Maybe I can help!”

The dragon was calmly matching my pace, keeping just enough distance from me to avoid the rebound. If he would have so much as burped, the flames would have gone straight through me, hit the ground and recoil back. I'm guessing he knew that. Making the whole experience more wholesome was the fact that I was about to smack backside-first into the boulder of gems I had made.

“Let’s just go to the top of this volcano and I’ll show you where to fly. it's no problem, really!”

He wasn’t buying it. My fake grin didn’t help, but I think the one thing that really hurt the negotiations was the fact that he probably wasn’t lost in the first place. Unlike me. My first plans rarely work. And now I was smelling burning hair.

He doesn’t have hair, so…

I turned around and saw that my tail was sizzling on the pile o’gems. The damn thing was still hot so I instinctively jumped away, which only helped the dragon because I landed right under his chin. Now I wasn’t between a rock and a hard place. I was between being eaten or being fried. And then eaten. Before the dragon pulled its head back to look at me again, I saw my last hope: there was a tiny gem on the ground. There was no time to evaluate how the dragon would react to my use of magic, so I levitated it up right in front of him.

“This is what you’re here for, right?!” I don’t know why I shouted. I wouldn’t have done it again. Probably a minor panic attack. “I found a whole bunch of them lying on the ground!”

The dragon took the bait. I moved the gem from side to side and I could see him following it. First with his eyes, then the whole head. I couldn’t help myself so instead of giving it to him and running away, I started levitating it up and down as well. He followed every move. The gem was like a ball on a string to a cat and he actually stood up on his hind legs at one point in an attempt to grab it.

What did that little filly say about fun levels and maximum efficiency? Yes, she was right.

I toyed with him for a few more seconds until I realized something.

Nopony will believe this. Not this. I might as well give him the damn thing and call it a day. I have officially lived more than anypony has ever lived.

“Here, you should take this. Enjoy it!”

The dragon nearly shed a tear when he grabbed the gem to look at it closely. It was strange seeing such a huge, terrifying creature in a state of joy. It looked like an oversized plush doll that'd been cursed and left in the swamp for too long.

Dragons really have nothing on us ponies. They may have the size and the flames, but we have the smarts and the looks.

That self-evident thought might have made me a bit overconfident.

“You know that thing’s exactly the same size as you brain, don’t you?” I should have noticed the way in which he moved his eyes from the gem and onto me. “Oh well, you dumb bastard probably have no idea what I’m saying, do you? You’re just a-“

Then I saw it. The stare that the psychiatrists call: “an indication of hostile behavior.” That was at least what they wrote in my file the last time I went to see the shrink, but that’s a story for another day. Besides, I had only said that I was going to teach the earth pony in the room how to fly if I don’t get a complete pass on that evaluation. I might have also mentioned something about the structural properties of the glass in the windows and theorizing about the speed required to reach the breaking point, but I digress. Now I was having a staring contest with a dragon.

“Dinosaurs.”

"What?"

It talks?!

“You’re thinking of dinosaurs.”

What does he mean dino… oh. Oh!

My spine was so full of chills I could have made ice-cream on it and the dragon grinned at me with more teeth than I cared to count. For some reason the only word that I could think of was "escape".

“Oh, hey, look at the time! I’ve really got to-“

The dragon threw his claw in front of me to block my way. Then he looked at me and roared. Now, he wasn’t spitting flames, but the stink was enough to make me thankful I hadn’t eaten in a while. That and the spit. It didn’t take long for me to be covered in a greasy blanket and not the good kind either.

“You were saying?”

He was taunting me because of course he was. The thought of the saliva getting impregnated into my fur if I moved even a little was a good enough reason to stay still, even if the damn thing wouldn’t be blocking my way out. I didn’t really want to open my mouth either, but I had a feeling that I would have to eventually and the sooner I did it, the sooner I would be on the way to a shower.

Or a river. Or a puddle of stale muddy water. Anywhere but here.

“Uhm, well… I was just wondering what you’re doing here? You know, with the migration over and everything. Did you miss it?”

“Oh, that?” He took his front leg – or is it an arm? I don’t know dragon biology all that well – off the ground and swiped it through the air, laughing carelessly while nearly taking my head off. “I learned something about friendship once and I decided to stay here and look after the place while the guys were away.”

So you’re a pussy dragon?

“So you’re a p- a home keeper in a way?”

“Yes. I guess you could say that. Question is, what are you doing here?”

He brought his head back to my level so he could look down at me like I was a bug. I never knew it was possible for a face to cover your entire field of vision. Another new experience!

“Oh, you know. I was just passing by and…” I frantically looked around, “…wanted to see the Dragon Lair first hoof!”

“Oh, really?” He was shaking his head. My lying wasn’t going well. “And here I was thinking you wanted my gems. How silly of me.”

“Heh, yeah. About that…”

“Now here are your options.” He counted with his giant claws to get the point across. As if that was necessary. “One, you tell me where the gems are and I let you go-“

“That sounds good!”

“OR two - I roast you over that lava pit over there and have a snack.”

I didn’t like the way he licked his mouth when he said that. Better poor than dead, right? But he had to finish his monologue.

“You know, you’re lucky I even gave you an option. If it wouldn’t have been for a pony back in Ponyville, I would have made that decision for you.”

Ponyville?

What was it about Ponyville that made it a permanent stain on my mind? Was it the delicious food and hot saunas? Or was it the blatant insanity of everypony there? It's a tough call. At least the mention of that town made anger overshadow my fear.

“Wait. What do you mean Ponyville?”

“Huh?” I don't know if it was the question or the way I said it, but I somehow managed to confuse the dragon. “Ponyville. A small town that way.”

Maybe I wasn’t all that wrong on the brain size after all.

“I know that! What happened there?”

“I was sleeping in a cave and my snoring was causing mayhem in the town.”

Being upset over snoring. Yup, sure sounds like Ponyville!

“Wow, do dragons really snore that loud?”

“No, but we do make smoke when we snore. And everyone in town was panicking because of that.”

“OK. And then?”

“Then some ponies came up to ask me to stop and I…” The dragon looked at the ground. “I was being a bully.”

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. More so when he happily finished the story.

“But then a yellow pony flew up to me and told me that what I was doing was wrong, so I apologized and left.”

How dare they!

It was sickening. Scaly monster or not, I couldn’t let it stand. Hunt the dragons, fight them, make a nice stew - all of those are appropriate tactics for maintaining pony superiority. Using mind games? Unacceptable.

“So you’re telling me that a few ponies came up to you – you, a dragon – woke you up and tried to run you out of town?”

“Uhm, well-“

“And you gave in?”

“Well, I couldn’t bother them anymore-“

“Who were they? The princesses with the Royal Guards? The Wonderbolts?”

Who else could have persuaded Mr. Death Machine over here to surrender?

“No. Some colorful ponies.” He started counting with his claws again, but this time he was decidedly non-threatening. “First there was a purple one, then white, pink-“

A twitch developed in my left eye. There was no doubt where this was going.

Blue, yellow and orange.

“- and blue. Then I made a mistake and got mad, but the yellow one made me see how terrible I was.”

One's missing.

“Where’s the orange one?”

“What?”

“Nothing.” I waved him off. “And you let some crunchy little ponies tell you what to do? Don’t you know you’re a dragon?” I stomped for added effect. Another thing I probably wouldn't have done again.

“I-I am, but-“

“No buts! You’re a dragon! You’re supposed to be intimidating and terrifying and horrible. It’s what you do!”

I would love to say that this was all part of my genius plan to get free, but I was genuinely angry at the Hate Parade for doing this to him. Sure, they tried to sacrifice me to Lord Smooze with the help of a zombie, but I’m me! I can take on anypony. This was just a defenseless dragon. Or at least that’s what I think they were trying to do. I never did figure that part out.

“Look, you have to go back there and claim that town for yourself! It’s the only way they’ll respect you.”

“The whole - town?”

“Yes, the town. You need to go there right now and show them who's boss!”

That way I can get my revenge and return a dragon to his former awesome self at the same time! I love these two-for one deals.

“I can’t do that – they were nice ponies and all-“

“Nice?! They weren’t nice. They played you! What do you think the other dragons would say if they knew about this?”

“I don’t- I don’t know.”

“Oh, he’s so sweet and kind? Or do you think they would die laughing?”

“I – uhm, I…”

“Yeah, that’s right. That’s what happens when you…”

He started crying. A lot.

No. Stop. Don't do that.

The tears hit me. Literally. They were like a waterfall. At least the unexpected shower washed most of the saliva off my fur. Still, it was better to get out of the shower so that I could talk to him.

“Hey, listen – it’s not over, OK? You can still fight back!”

“How?”

He looked like a little colt, the eyes red from tears, snot coming out of his nostrils. It was pathetic, but I guess that makes my sympathizing with him even more so. It’s strange. I don’t usually feel sympathy for anypony, but with this thing… Maybe the fact that it wasn’t a pony was why I did feel sorry for him. It was time to help him get his dragonyness back!

Who knew that a volcano would be such a good hairdryer? Makes this into a spa and you could make a bundle of bits! If I could just - no, first the dragon. Then the spa.

The situation was strange. The giant dragon that scared the living daylights out of me only a few minutes ago was now sitting hunched in front of me and slightly shaking. He reminded me of me when I was young – I obviously never cried, but I wasn’t always this tough or handsome. And then I remembered what my granny used to say: “Pull my tail again and I’ll kick your face in!” In other words, it’s important to show you’re the boss, even if you’re making empty threats because you know you would get put into a nursing home if you ever did that. This dragon didn’t realize his potential.

I know I had some pamphlets from Iron Will in my saddlebags, but – lo and behold – I don’t have them. What a surprise!

Since I didn’t have the instruction manual for getting back on top of your game (You never really left!) I had to make it up on the fly, so the next few hours were kind of like a Rocky training montage. The dragon did push-ups on his wings, claws and tail. He punched rocks, scorched the ground with fire and only occasionally turned to me bewildered as I hummed the tune. The low fire-spitting fly-byes were his idea and for the first time I felt what it must be like to have a son. A sense of pride, mixed with the desire to see it move out of your damn volcano base as soon as possible so you can have it to yourself again. By the end of it all, he was as terrifying as when I first saw him.

Daunting pose. Sinister smile. Fiery eyes. Looking good!

“OK, this is better! Ready to go back to Ponyville now?”

“I don’t think so.” I didn’t like the way he was looking at me.

Huh? Now what?

“You reminded me how to be myself again. For that I thank you.” There was a feeling of deja-vu as he came closer to me. “But I don’t want to be like that again. Those young ponies showed me that hate isn’t everything.”

Then what is?

“What are you saying?”

“I’m not going back. I’m going to fulfill my promise to the dragons and keep an eye on this place and when they get back, I’ll teach them the same lesson. Thanks to you, I now have the courage to do that.”

The suddenly gentle expression on his face made me realize that he was serious.

So I transformed the dragon from a pussy into a monk? That doesn't help me!

I had to stop that question from being answered or my plan from going to waste. Getting the dragon back onto its feet was the unexpected part, I had a new priority in picking a bone with Ponyville.

“You can keep the gems, you’ve earned them. Thank you, friend.”

I don’t even know his name and he’s calling me a friend?

I didn't expect that. A strange feeling of mushiness started spreading inside of me. It was as if my bones were going limp, releasing heat into my body. I even felt the beating of my heart for the first time since forever.

NO! Snap out of it!

The crisis had to be stopped. The dragon was going to Ponyville and that was final! He just needed some encouragement.

“There’s a zombie in Ponyville that’s using dragon eggs for her potions.”

“There’s WHAT?!”

We were on our way to Ponyville. And when I say we, I mean me, holding on for dear life to the scales on the dragon’s back. The dragon didn’t rush. He was just keeping a constant speed and a determined stare. We didn’t even say a word to each other the whole time. He was too focused on getting to that zombie while I was worried that my lungs would rupture if I opened my mouth. The fear of falling also played a role. Those beautiful mountain peaks I had seen earlier were starting to look an awful lot like spikes searching for some dragon-riding pony to impale.

What if the dragon actually drank some flight-potion and it’s going to wear off?

My mind was tripping from the terror of barebacking a dragon. Ugh... you’re going to interpret that the wrong way, aren’t you? Riding a dragon bareback. No saddle. And that doesn’t mean a condom! Although I don’t know if you would even need a condom for a dragon. I’m pretty sure they don’t have any STDs and I doubt you could get one pregnant even if you tried. But then this wasn’t a lady dragon, so that’s a moot point. Wait. How did we get here? Damn it, this is what happens when you try to be considerate! Let’s just get back to the story.

What am I even doing here? Ponyville is close to Canterlot and I’m trying to get away from it! I'm guess I could use the chaos to my advantage by getting…

Before I could finish that thought dots appeared in the sky and grow bigger with every second. We got company. At first I thought they were parrots, but I think I can be forgiven that since I didn’t exactly have the luxury of looking around all doe-eyed like some newlywed on a hot air balloon. Instead, I looked around for a split second and then back at the dragon to make sure I wouldn’t fly off it when it would suddenly need to dodge a mountain or something.

Comets? Arrows?

Whatever they were, they were getting closer. From my spastic movements I could see one of them get hit by lightning and it started spewing smoke from the tail. Only it wasn’t a parrot and the lightning came from the other one. I knew what this was. The Weirdobolts. I know that isn’t what they’re really called but come on, show me a pony who wears spandex in broad daylight and I’ll show you a registered sex offender. Those guys just made a job out of it, which is a brilliant move on its own, I’ll give them that, but just because they can fool everypony else doesn’t mean they can fool me.

I wish I had a slingshot right about now. And a rotten egg. Damn… Saddlebags… Wind…

The Weirdobolts flew in from high left, went to our side and climbed overhead before breaking formation and surrounding the dragon. He noticed them and jerked his head from side to side to see what they were doing. I nearly lost my bowe-grip. I mean grip. I couldn’t quite make out what they wanted. Their masks hid their faces and they were signaling to each other in hoof gestures, but everything seemed good for the time being. I think they saw it as more of a show – an entrance with which to awe the ponies below. If I’m honest, it must have looked pretty sweet from below. A giant red dragon with four Wonderbolts in tow drawing black lines across the sky? That has to get the blood flowing to the Parietal Lobe of every pony that’s faint of heart and simple of mind.

Celestia would have offered them their very own sex-slaves if they’d have planned this in advance. Who knows, maybe they’ll still get them! I wonder what I’d get for riding this thing?

The dragon didn’t like their showboating any more than I did. He looked at the closest one with a squint and blew smoke from his nose at him. The Spandex Special was thrown into a cloud. One less fly to worry about, but the rest weren’t too happy about that. They started circling us at the tail and they were picking up speed. I turned back to see what they were up to.

What the hay are they doing, trying to start a twister? But that’s stupid. It would take...

They were creating a twister. It started with a barely visible mid-air whirlpool just behind the tail and then came the suction. The dragon panicked a bit when we started slowing down, but at least he had the benefit of being huge. All I had were my hooves and magic to keep me from flying straight off him into the death zone.

“WHAT ARE YOU IDIOTS DOING?!”

In hindsight, they probably couldn’t have heard me even if they were listening. I could barely hear myself and I was the one doing the shouting. The wailing was getting worse with every moment. Then the inevitable happened. The suction ripped me from the dragon and I found myself on the business end of the twister. The wind carried me around like a rag doll and my face was forming shapes I never knew a face could make. It wasn’t that I saw it, as I wasn’t having an out-of-body experience, which is New Age nonsense anyway, but I could feel my cheeks flapping against my ears and I think my nostrils were big enough to snort a gem through.

Of all - the worst thing - that could happen, this - is THE WORST possible - thing!

The distinctive shape of the dragon’s shadow appeared over me. He was too big to be caught up in the twister, but that didn’t stop him from being sucked through it, so of course he came flying directly at me.

No.

Have you ever wondered what being hit with a cottage feels like? Well, if the cottage is about the size of a dragon and has sharp scales instead of a roof, then I have good news! I can totally tell you how that feels like and why you should avoid it at all costs. It feels like being hit by a giant dragon, that’s how! The damn thing swatted me out of the sky like I was a pencil sharpener and in a strange way that was the good part because I was finally out of the twister. The bad part came when I saw the dragon reverse its flight to go fight the Murderbolts. Do I even need to tell you that I was left falling toward the ground at high speed? No? Good.

“Aaaaah!“

What do I do? What do I do?

The ground was fast approaching. It was covered with what looked like foam and had little green beads poking out of it. Since I wasn't on drugs, I blinked to make the hallucination go away and saw what was really there. Trees, engulfed by a thick fog. I also discovered that an overdose of adrenaline really helps in creating quick solutions.

The fog! The cloudwalking spell!

I concentrated the best I could and felt something in my hooves. Some strange resistance to the water molecules in the air that I was passing through. The spell worked. Since the fog wasn’t as thick as clouds, I made an educated guess that I wasn’t going to hit it like it was concrete but that it would break my fall in a giant sponge sort of way.

Please work, please work,…

The feeling of going through the fog was special. And I don’t mean special in a good way or a bad one, just strange. Nothing like falling into a sponge at all. More like going through a marshmallow - kind of sticky, but not clingy. The white mare from Ponyville came to mind for some strange reason. Once my hooves were on solid ground I put the spell away feeling just a little bit violated.

“Damn it. I’m never flying DragonAir again! The service was terrible, the flight was bumpy and I got kicked off midway. Now, where am I?”

My mind immediately went two ways – first, I was in a forest. That brought back memories of my last forest exploration and all the fun I had there.

Stupid zombies.

Second, it wasn’t a scary forest, which was an upgrade from my previous package. Unfortunately, it was your plain vanilla forest with nothing interesting in it.

Stupid forest.

I could make out a high mountain in the distance with a sharp candy cane sticking out of it.

So, Canterlot’s that way and so is Ponyville. But I don't want to walk there. That would take forever. No, what am I thinking. Without the dragon going back to Ponyville would be suicide! I would just hand myself to them on a platter instead of the other way around.

The opposite direction was the only option. I had no idea how long I was going to be a wanted pony for escaping the hospital, but I had a fairly good idea that Miss Sunbutt wouldn’t give up so soon and with the revenge on Ponyville a lost cause, it was time to extend original plan.

It's probably best to start by hiding someplace. Then, after the heat's off, I'll go get the gems and sell them for everything I'll need for the volcano spa-lair. I'm sure Fancy Pants - It was Fancy Pants! - will buy them.

The idea was to get as far away from Canterlot as possible and find a small town where the peak IQ doesn’t reach half of the equestrian average. I would stay there pretending to be a wizard or something until I could return to the civilized world. Maybe I would even find other small towns if the first one got suspicious, but those were future problems. And it wasn't a half-bad plan! I mean, I already had magic capabilities, and even if they would have a unicorn or two in the town I could still use my superior intellect to fool them into thinking that I’m the greatest magician ever. Fooling ponies is easy when you know how the face of stupid looks like. And I’ve been to the Canterlot Castle. Speaking of which, I had to get away from it.

“Ah, into the unknown. Like the great explorers who founded Equestria. The… Um…”

Eh, who cares. Stupid history and its oppressive ways.

Canterlot and the forest were behind me. The peaks of the mountains where I buried the gems were showing through the thin treetops at my 10’o clock and there were more trees in front of me than I could shake a stick at. If I had one! I suppose I could have made a pointing stick from the stuff laying on the ground, but it would have been such a waste of time to do that just for the sake of that sentence that I didn’t even know I was going to write at the time that I just carried on. If I had a time machine, on the other hoof, now that could solve so many of my problems that I wouldn’t even need a pointing stick! Ah, who am I kidding, there’s always a use for a pointing stick.

Hey, more trees! Now that’s creative.

I’m glad I didn’t have my sarcasm detector on me or it would have exploded. That said, I didn’t have a map either, and that was less than favorable, but the day I let that get in my way is the day I turn in my Adventurer (TM) card. I walked for a long time, and there wasn’t anything particularly interesting in the forest, apart from the fact that it had trees in it. There were some shrubs and animal noises and that was about it. It wasn't even a dark forest, just a dull one. Then I saw them. The mushrooms, growing temptingly out of a tree stump.

Are those shrooms?

I had to investigate. For science, of course.

Wow. The last time I did shrooms was way back in college. I wonder if Ace still has the connections. I could get some money off these things! But… no. I don’t think shrooms grow on tree stumps. Maybe I can find some on a field somewhere. And there has to be a field after the forest ends, right?

There was no real reason to risk food poisoning in the middle of nowhere. Even I knew that. Once I was close enough to civilization, fine, but until I got there I would take it easy. The mushrooms did have one effect, though. My stomach started growling. I hadn’t eaten since the breakfast in the hospital, if you can even call it that. Some dried up haybars and a bowl of milk with such low fat content that you would think it’s paint if you’d seen it anywhere else wasn’t exactly a proper meal. That was followed by the rush of adrenaline that fueled me more or less until now.

Damn it, this forest just goes on and on. Am I walking in circles?

It was strange, sprouting wings. I called the nurse to unchain me for a bathroom break before I took the potion. I couldn’t believe she fell for it, but then again, not everypony can be a strategic mastermind like me. Now, you’re probably wondering how it feels like, to grow a pair of wings. Well, have you ever had a bone cracked by a sharp stick? Only that the sharp stick was also your bone now and it was constantly being broken as it grew and made little sticks along the way that repeated that process? And your girlish shrieks caused the guards to rush into the room, forcing you to jump out of the window? Yeah, me neither. I let out a battle cry and jumped out of that window to prove how badass I was.

Wait. When I had the wings I was technically an alicorn. I could have used that! By the time those idiots would have figured out that I’m not Prince Freemane, the long lost heir to the throne, I would have been out clear. Why didn’t I think of that before?

Between occasionally stomping the ground in anger and practicing my use of profanities, I walked on in hateful boredom. I was already contemplating climbing a tree to see where I was, when the forest ahead finally started thinning. What was coming into view wasn’t what I had wanted to see. A stripe of light tan instead of the green fields.

How can a forest end at the edge of a desert? This doesn’t make any sense. I didn't pass a river!

Logic or no logic, I wasn’t going to turn back. At least I wasn't walking in circles. The dragon mountains were more or less in the right direction, only closer, which meant that Canterlot was slightly further away than it had been a few hours ago. The down side was that I was now going into a full blown desert without any kind of map. Still, there were some lone plants in the distance and where there’s plants, there’s water and where there's water in the desert, there's usually a town. The small hills in front of me were a good starting point to get my bearings.

I love sand. Sand is the best. If I could have one thing for the rest of my life, it would be sand.

Positive affirmations are supposed to make you feel something other than pure hate for the thing they’re aimed at, but it wasn’t really working. Walking on sand was a lot like walking on hot coals, only there was no spiritual guru trying to force you on it. Of course, that did save me the trouble of choking the guru, but one such experience was enough. All I had now was hot sand under my hooves. I was so glad that I never got that hooficure – not that I would ever even consider it in the first place! I mean, maybe I could see myself getting one after a long day in the lab shuffling samples around, but even then I would forgo the pickles and the mud bath. Those things are mare-ish. Nightmare-ish. I’m sorry, that was a pun. I won't do that again.

Oh, sweet Lunestia, is that a railroad?

It was. After walking for what felt like minutes on the hot sand, I reached the top of a small hill and saw the beautiful black line in the distance. A sign of civilization that I hadn’t seen… well, since that morning, but so what? I lot had happened since then.

So, the trains going north are going to Canterlot. I need to find a train going south.

There was no sign of a train in any direction. No sign of life as well, just sand and the occasional rock.

“Damn it!”

At least the sand between the wooden sleepers was colder than the sand around me. I had to walk south. As if I hadn’t done enough of that already. What was worse was that every once in a while the tracks would turn and disappear behind a corner, giving me false hope about seeing a settlement. Oh, who am I kidding? At that point I was so desperate that the sight of the Pink Menace from Ponyville would have cheered me up. Then I would at least have something to do! And my kickstomping skills needed brushing up.

Is there at least a scorpion here that can sting me? I’m tired. I’m hungry. My legs hurt. I’m whiny.

The tracks went on for miles. Literary. And metaphorically. But neither the heat, the hunger or the monotony of walking along what seemed like the same stretch of tracks over and over again had any effect on my mind.

What if butterflies lived underground? Would they still eat cinnamon bread? Or would they prefer to sleep until noon? What if they are living underground? Are moles cinnamon bread?

“Are you all right, stranger?” a fuzzy blob of light gold color asked.

“Wha…”

“You’re halfway to a heat stroke! Drink this.”

The blob slowly transformed into a pony that gave me a canteen. I didn’t stop drinking until the canteen was empty. Only it wasn't water.

"Wh-what is this?"

"Why it's cider, stranger!"

My vision cleared in an instant.

"Cider? I'll kill you!"

I lunged at him with every fiber in my body, which at the time meant that I more or less gave him a hug and fell back to the ground.

"Whoa, stranger, the heat really did a number on you! Come on, let's get you to the town."

Town?

Cider or not, the town was a better option than being out in the desert. I felt slightly stupid for my outburst when the near-heat stroke started fading.

All he has to do is call for help and the first Guard to come here will recognized me. I need to keep a low profile.

The town was just behind the corner and what happened next took me by surprise even though it started out predictably enough. The hat-wielding pony stopped as soon as the first buildings appeared and told me his name.

“I say stranger, I've forgotten to introduce myself. I’m Braeburn.”

Strange accent and a strange name. So far so good.

“An' that town behind me is Appleloosa!”

He made a funny pose when he said the name of the town, partially standing on his hind legs and swinging his fronts in the air while looking straight up. There was also the way in which he pronounced Appleloosa. Like something had stung him somewhere sensitive.

And that’s inbreeding for you. It's ponies like this why I don't need a dictionary.

“Don’t just stand there, come with me and we’ll get you fixed up. What’s yer name stranger?”

The fake name - my only weakness!

“I’m, umm.. Crescent Silvershade Moon.”

One eyebrow raised. Head tilted slightly back. Tiny pupils. The expression on his face told me that he didn’t believe me, which was cause for concern. I didn’t want these ponies knowing my real name because that would cause the kind of problems I had just spent a day getting out of.

“It’s a…” I looked around for inspiration. The feathers over a quaint store provided the inspiration. “It’s a buffalo name! Yeah. That’s it.”

“A buffalo name?”

My chain and ball wasn’t buying it. It was time to massage his weak mind into a pliable mush.

Engage hyper-mathematics!

“Yeah. I’m one sixteenth buffalo on my mother’s side. Her father was one-thirtieth buffalo until he got a marrow transplant from an actual buffalo, which gave him some extra juice so he was basically one in thirty-two buffalo. Then he married an earth pony who then gave birth to my mother.”

He looked around confused for a while. The way he was turning his head and searched for something tangible with his eyes made me sure that I had effectively overridden his brain. Soon, he started trampling the ground with his left foreleg.

One plus one plus one... Hee-hee.

“Wouldn’t that make you less than one hundredth of a buffalo at best?”

Say what?

“Huh?”

“If what you said is true then yer mother couldn’t have been more than one in sixty-four of a buffalo which would make you one in one hundred and twenty-eight buffalo.”

“Um, I don’t-“

“I’m assumin’ yer mother didn’t marry an actual buffalo, right? Which means you’re half the buffalo yer mother was.”

Damn it Jim, I’m a physicist, not a statistician!

“Yeah, I guess you’re right!” There was only one option: laugh it off. “Wow, this heat is really something isn’t it?”

Take the bait, take it!

“Boy howdy, you’re right about that one. Let’s get you over to the Salt Block before you lose yer mind completely! To Appleloosa!”

He did it again and my left eye twitched involuntarily. The town wasn’t more than a few minutes away and I was already regretting being saved from the desert. He talked about it the whole way there. I ignored most of it, until a select collection of words entered my ear.

“Why you’re the only unicorn in this town right now!”

I’m surprised he didn’t see the way my eyes transformed into two giant bits. I could feel it happening on a physical level.

Jackpot!

Episode Three: Career Change

The Salt Block was a small saloon in the middle of the town, if I can even call it that. An overgrown treehouse would be more appropriate, but I guess that’s not so important right now because the only thing that was stranger than this being called a town was that everypony in it was dressed like they’d escaped from a western.

This stinks. At least Ponyville was a nudist colony.

I drank a bathtub’s worth of water and the filthy glasses meant I got some lunch as well. Better than nothing. Then I got some actual food to eat, but it disappeared so quickly I can’t tell what it was, only that it filled my stomach. After fending off dehydration and starvation I was slowly preparing to enact the plan. Seamless infiltration was key.

“So this town’s as old as old Sunb- Princess Celestia, huh?”

“What? You must have misheard me, stranger.” He said that with the same obnoxious smile he always had. “I told you we built it in the last year.”

I guess I should have paid attention to what he was saying on the way here.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry about that, I’m still a bit dopey.”

OK, strike one. Focus.

What he told me could have caused a problem in my otherwise watertight plan of pretending to be a wizard. I was the only unicorn in town, after all, but if it really was only a year old then the inhabitants must have come from somewhere else and the probability of them really being backwards hicks just got a little bit lower. I could have been talking to the exception rather than the rule all this time. I had to get some more information before I could continue and the fact I had mostly ignored him while we were walking here wasn’t helping.

“So, uh, what is it that you do here?”

His eyes lit up and I immediately knew that I’d said something wrong. It was the kind of look you get from some Eco-hippies when you ask them why you should care about the dolphins and they don’t perceive the sarcasm so you’re treated to an hour long lecture on the benefits of soy bean plantations that make the soil richer in minerals and - dammit I remember way more than I ever wanted from that!

Please, don’t let this be a lecture. Please?

“I’m glad you asked partner. Let me show you around!”

You must have grown up in a quarry. Or a windmill. Nopony talks as loud as that unless they've had a noisy childhood.

“OK, but I have to warn you-“

He pushed me out of the saloon before I could finish that sentence and dragged me around to every noteworthy place they had. I saw all the major buildings in Appleloosa and I use that term loosely. Heh. Appleloosa – loosely. I crack me up. Anyway, there wasn’t really much to see in this mislabeled village. Then we got to the activities the ponies here considered fun. From the horse-drawn carriages to the horse-drawn, horse-drawn carriages. He was very proud of that pun. I would have shot myself in the hoof if I ever sounded like that. Probably all four hooves, but not before going way out into the desert with a bag over my head. Wouldn’t want the vultures to recognize me or I’d run the risk of them ignoring me out of rightful spite.

But I’ve been in the desert and I didn’t see any vultures. Where did they go?

Our little walk continued for some time, only this time I forced myself into listening so I would get as much insight into the living conditions and mating rituals of the locals as possible. Every time we stopped I came one step closer to confirming my initial observation: jackpot. The ponies may have moved here within the last year but their mentality was perfect for this place, which also meant it was perfect for my plan. This had the added bonus of making me happier with every minute, which my tour guide took as a sign of love for the town. A win-win! To his credit, he was only half wrong.

I love your town. I really do. I love how it’s going to make me rich.

Things couldn’t have been going better if chocolate started raining from the sky. The town was as remote and calm as I could have hoped for and somewhere during his enthusiastic blabbering my new friend even offered me a place to stay. Then came the big one: a valley full of apple trees. In the middle of a desert.

What the hay is this? I thought I was supposed to be the wizard here.

“This isn’t right…”

“You were saying stranger?”

I was half-sure he was playing me for a fool. Nopony has ever grown apples in the middle of the desert. I was stuck for words. He was also still referring to me as "stranger", so he clearly hadn’t bought the whole Moon thing.

“Nothing.” I tried sounding as indifferent as I could. “So, one year ago this was a wasteland, uh?”

“No, not a wasteland. A desert.” Big difference. “Then we came here an’ built the town an’ planted the trees!”

Sure you did. An entire town in a year and the trees were given growth hormones, right? Or did you bring them here on a train? Probably in the sleeping cart as well?

I chuckled.

“Huh?”

“Oh, I was just thinking of how awesome it is, what you’ve done here.”

I had a hard time saying that with a straight face, but instead of the expected “thank you,” or something along those lines, he dropped his head and scraped the ground with his hoof.

“Well, to be perfectly honest, we did have some trouble with the local buffalo.” There was remorse in his voice. “Turns out we built the orchard right in the middle of their running grounds.”

I was surprised by how apologetic he was. I’d always assumed that buffalo were somewhere along the lines of cows, only with a wild side the system couldn’t stand. They were rebels in a way.

Cow power go!

“We even had a bit of a conflict, but thankfully my cousin-”

Wait, what? A conflict?

That was even worse. He stopped speaking when he saw me looking at him in disbelief. I had to know if this town was as crazy as I was just lead to believe.

“What?...”

“How can you have a conflict with steak?”

“What?!”

He wasn’t very happy about that, but somepony had to say it.

Are you deaf or stupid? Don’t ask him that.

“I’m just saying, those buffalo are a lot more likely to end up as my saddlebags or on a plate than-“

“You don’t even eat meat!” He was really furious for some reason and I was starting to wonder if the heat hadn't gotten to him as well. “And you don’t have saddle bags!”

Thanks for rubbing it in! Prick.

“Well I don’t eat meat but the griffons do! And I don’t know how you think saddlebags are made but cows don’t just undress themselves.”

Check and mate!

I don’t really know how to describe the silence that followed, only that it lasted some time and he looked at me like I was the idiot in this conversation. Me, the most brilliant mind in all of Equestria! Either way, it was clear that this was now a waiting game and I intended to win.

“You …” he started and trailed off while pointing at me with his hoof. “That was amazin’!”

I know, I’m always – wait, what?

He started laughing and didn’t stop until he was out of breath and crying on the dirt below us. I had no idea what was going on, only that this would normally be the point where the patient would be restrained by a strait-jacket and dragged off for some involuntary electro-shock therapy. So I stood there, waiting for him to finish and looking around for anything I could use in defense for when he would actually snap. He recovered before I could decide.

“That… that was brilliant!” Some more laughing and chuckling ensued as he got back up, “you damn bastard! Why didn’t you tell me you were a comedian from the start?”

Comedian? But I wanted to be a wizard! They’re cooler!

“Well, you know. A magician never reveals his tricks!”

There’s still hope, right?

“The name! Is should have known when you told me yer name. Crescent Silvershade Moon. What is that, yer stage name?”

“Uhm, yes. Yes, it’s my stage name.”

“And that cutie mark. I don't get the symbol but the crowbar? What's that for; crackin' jokes?"

Lambda. And I hate you.

"Oh, I should’ve known. The boys at the saloon are gonna be delighted to hear this one!”

Oh no, he’s going to make me perform for a live audience isn’t he? Damn it, I have to get out of this!

He kept laughing even as he nudged me to go back to town and I got a sinking feeling that everything just went horribly wrong. It wasn’t just that I was going to have pretend to be a comedian; there was something else as well. Something wasn’t right with the whole picture. There was a nagging feeling burrowing ever deeper in the back of my mind the whole way back to the town and that’s when I noticed something I should have seen from the start. Everything was quaint. In a strange way. I couldn’t quite put my hoof on it, but there was an unnerving peace to it. The kind you get when you suddenly notice that the boss is visiting the lab and you’re busy stuffing your saddlebags with everything that's not nailed down. And then when he’s there, you’re making small talk while wondering if he noticed how strangely clean your workplace is. Only I was the boss here.

“Say, Brown Burn-“

“Braeburn.”

Whatever…

“How come you ponies chose this place anyway?”

I don’t normally bother myself with why some idiot moved somewhere. I mean, I don’t care why Sunbutt and Megaphone built Canterlot way up on the side of the mountain but then I’m not inbred royalty, so I probably wouldn’t get it even if I cared. They have a fetish for those kinds of things. But this was a brand new town miles away from civilization. They had to build everything from scratch and I just couldn’t get why. There were no natural resources except for sand and those trees. The clothes were another issue altogether.

“Ow shucks, now that’s a story for a whole evening!” Oh no. “But seen’ as how I have to get to apple buckin’, I’ll give you the short version.”

Thank you, sweet Sunbutt! Now to get out of performing at the saloon.

“Why don’t I help you with that?” He looked at me all surprised like and I was again thankful to my brain for how quickly it works. “Well, the way I see it is you pretty much saved my life when you got me out of the desert and I want to repay it.”

That was the most difficult thing I've ever had to say.

I was lucky he either didn’t notice or didn’t care about the spasm in my neck as I said that. Instead, he said: “OK,” and we were on our way to his place to pick up some supplies for the apple bucking. The only thing he added once we got there was: “You’re welcome t’ stay here as long as you want!” We went back to the apple orchard with a cart and some barrels.

“Now this is how you buck an apple tree.”

I zoned out while Braeburn kicked the trees and talked about them as if they were rocket science.

You don’t really need to have a doctor’s degree to buck apples; the fact that I have one is just adding insult to injury!

“So, do you understand?”

“Yeah, I think I’ll manage.”

I lazily got in front of the nearest apple tree I could find, turned around and kicked it with all the force I could muster. The good news was that I kicked it hard. The bad news was that I was instantly reminded of the importance of the Third Law of Motion. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Don’t let him see the pain. Don’t let him see it.

“Uggh.”

OK, you let that one slip, but that’s enough.

“Are you OK?”

“I’m. Perfect.”

I slowly removed my nearly shattered hooves from the tree trunk and lowered them to the ground. Braeburn grew a smug smile.

“So, about the town?...”

“Oh right.” He moved from tree to tree as he talked and bucked while I pushed the cart to catch the falling apples. “You see, a bunch of us farm ponies wanted to get together to grow apples – but the problem was, we were getting’ together from all over Equestria – and it didn’t seem fair to anypony that we should move to some existing town where one of us had lived – so we decided to build a new town far away from our homes. This way – every pony sacrifices the same and shows his dedication to this new community.”

Yeah, and that’s why you chose the middle of the desert. I’m sure it was perfect.

“We’ve been buildin’ and growin’ ever since.”

It’s not like there are empty fields East of here. I flew over them, I know!

“Now that you know our story, do you mind if I ask you yours?”

Hold on. That whole getting-together speech sounded a bit too perfect. You could even call it rehearsed. Let’s recap: an entire town built in a year – check. Far from anywhere – check. Perfect view of surroundings – check. Train tracks – check… Uh-oh.

I was happy the Sun was out so I could blame it on my sudden sweat attack if he got suspicious, as it suddenly dawned on me that this wasn’t some quaint town far away living the quiet life. There was something seriously wrong with it. I should have known the moment I saw the way they dressed and talked. Everything was overdone.

None of this is real. Everypony here is playing a role. They really did bring those trees here by train! I - might be in trouble.

The good news was that I hadn’t been arrested up until that point, which meant the town hadn’t yet received any news out of Canterlot. Either that or my incredible escape was being covered up to spare the Royal Guards some shame and the towns outside of Canterlot were just being kept up to date with the stuff that directly concerned them. Or so I hoped.

“You look mighty pale all of a sudden, are you feeling all right?” Braeburn interrupted my thoughts and then laughed in a not very reassuring way, “You really don’t get along with the Sun, do you?”

“No. No, I do not.”

I hope that went over your head.

It was only now that I noticed he had stopped bucking and was looking at me, expecting my awesome tale of fighting through the desert to get here. There was one thing bothering me, though; the way he was staring at me. The smile was gone, his eyes were more focused than I’d seen them the whole day long and he was facing me directly with his whole body.

Wow, this almost feels like I’m being interrogated.

“So, Crescent – can I call you Crescent? – what were you doin’ out there in the desert in the first place?”

OK, I’m being interrogated. Act cool.

“What do you mean what was I doing in the desert?! I can go whenever I want!”

Now see, that was stupid.

“I thought so.”

Before I had a chance to reply I heard hoofsteps all around me. I glanced behind on both sides and saw a dozen shadows slowly cornering me.

“What’s this?!”

“Oh nothin’.” Braeburn slowly paced toward me with the same unnerving look in his eyes. “It’s just that – well, it’s a terrible coincidence, isn’t it? Your arrival here?” I understood that I shouldn’t move as he slowly and closely went around me. “I mean, you could have come by train as a tourist and nopony would think to look twice. Or you could have come as a courier or a salespony, or – ANYTHIN’! -” that got the hair on my back standing up, “but you chose to come here the hard way. What, didn’t think you’d get noticed coming here at night? Or were you playing on the sympathy card all along?”

Night? But it’s daytime! Are you high? And what sympathy?! Why are you standing so close?

He was seriously violating my personal space now with his muzzle so close to mine I was starting to wonder if I was on a blind date and this was the surprise kiss. I know that sounds silly, but there really aren’t that many situations outside of surprise matchmaking where you’re being surrounded by a group of ponies you can’t see and having one standing so close to you that you can physically feel the humidity of his breath. Then it hit me.

“This is a trap, isn’t it?”

I guess my cover was pretty bad. So now they’re probably going to capture me and turn me over to Celestia for a bounty. I might be able to escape-

Then it hit me again, only literally this time. Getting a horseshoe to the head from behind isn’t an experience you ever forget, but I have to admit I was kind of enjoying the hazy feeling of seeing and feeling the world around me as if it was a dream while being dragged to some shack on the other end of the orchard. It wasn’t the first time something like this had happened so I just went along for the ride. I passed out when they opened the door.

Luna!... gmgph… what are you… but your sister… hnhsn…oh, that kind of party? Hehehe… Don’t go now… I was just getting the jam!

I slept well. So well in fact, that I cursed the Sun when the whole room lit up in the morning. Then I remembered where I was and sobered up instantly. Luna’s punishment would have to wait. Mine wouldn’t. I was chained to the bed, only not on the bed like the previous morning, but to the steel bedpost in front of it. My favorite captor was looking at me from across the room. I'd been in this kind of situation before, and I knew the best way to disarm somepony trying to get information from you is to act normal.

“Ah, it’s morning already. What did I miss?”

I can’t say that it worked, but I can’t say that it failed either. At least it wiped the tone of aggression off his face.

“Oh boy, you’re a chatty one all of a sudden?” Again, he approached me. Predictable. “You don’t seem too scared of what’s gone down, so I reckon you know exactly why you’re here. So let’s make this quick. Who sent you?”

The mighty goblin of despair. Or even better, say-

He cut me off before I had a good answer.

“Shining?” Who? “Celestia?” What?! “Or was it Apple Strudel even? I know how much he wants to sabotage me, but he’ll just have to move on. So, who was it?!”

“I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.” He was about to turn to throw a punch, but I intercepted him with a calm, rational plea. “WAIT! What I meant was - I thought you were going to turn ME in to Celestia or the Royal Guards. And I don’t even know the other two you’ve mentioned.”

It’s working, go on.

“The reason why I came from the desert was because I got dumped in the forest by a dragon that I was flying on until it got attacked by the Wonderbolts and I wanted to get as far away from Canterlot because I’m a wanted pony there, so I walked along the tracks to the nearest town but got hammered by the Sun.”

Breathe in.

Braeburn nudged his head and I could see him going through everything in his mind. He was still looking at me, but with a certain detachment that you only get from ponies that have had their mind thoroughly blown. I could swear there was smoke coming out of his ears and at the same time I knew just how unbelievable my story must have seemed, although I still maintain that it was more convincing than the stuff he told me about Appleloosa. But then again, I wasn’t lying, unlike somepony, even though I didn’t mention the gems for obvious reasons.

“That is the most unbelievable story I’ve heard in a long time.”

I’m glad at least one of has that feeling.

He came close to me, looked me in the eye and kicked into the chains to make me squirm. Of course, I didn’t actually squirm, that was just his intent. I had to pretend to make him feel better. He pulled away a bit after that failure, during which I was in no way wondering if he was going to start beating the crap out of me and explained my situation like a true mobster should.

“Here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to stay here until you decide to tell the truth. It’s gonna get very hot in a few hours, seein’ as how this here shack’s in direct sunlight and I wouldn’t count on anypony bringin’ you water anytime soon. I will have to gag you though and I’m sorry fer that.”

“Wait! Whablegargha—“

This is my reward for telling the truth?! Are you kidding me?

He walked out and slammed the door behind him. I could hear the metal lock being thrown against the wooden frame of the door and the sound of a chain dangling against itself. Clearly I was stuck, but I never fail to find some motivation for escaping as soon as possible.

Damn it, it’s getting warm in here. And I have to pee.

I shifted around as much as I could and took a good look at the shack I was in. It was an old construction shack that must have been abandoned after the town was built. Only instead of demolishing it, which would have saved me a lot of trouble at this point, somepony decided to convert it into a temporary storage yard for the orchard. There were old wheelbarrows and shovels along with a whole bunch of other farming equipment next to some dusty furniture to my sides and I already knew there was a bed behind me seeing as how, you know, I was chained to it and all. The only way in or out was the door directly in front of me. The windows were boarded up, so that was another option, but I had a feeling I would sooner kick my way through the wooden planks of the shack than the thick new wood that covered them.

Wait a minute. I woke up chained to a bed yesterday as well. If I look at it that way, my situation isn’t actually any worse. Except for the inevitable heat stroke. That could be a problem.

Realistically, things weren’t looking as good as I was telling myself, but what I didn’t know at the time was that while I was keeping myself optimistic and looking for any way to escape, mail had arrived to Appleloosa. I pulled against the chains, only to hear the disappointing sound of metal grinding on metal.

So the chains really won’t break, that’s good to know. It eliminates one possibility. And the bed is screwed to the floor. I guess they’ve had somepony lift it before, huh?

I was obviously dealing with pros. Every piece of furniture and equipment that I wasn’t directly chained to was just far enough away that it was out of reach. The bed wasn’t moving and there was no way I was getting the cloth out of my mouth. It was doing a fine job sucking every bit of moisture out of my mouth, I will say that! And then I remembered what my plan was all along.

What am I doing? I’m a unicorn! I’ll just... hmm. Throw things at the walls? But what good would that do?

The chances of them not guarding the shack were about the same as those of the shack not being completely isolated from the rest of town. The best I could hope for if I really started throwing things around was a kick to the head to get me to shut up. And it’s not like I could just teleport out of there because I couldn’t see my destination. Or know the spell. Once again I wished I’d paid more attention in Magic class, or that I’d at least chosen one subject that wasn’t related to science. But no, I had to take Advanced Physics instead of Common Magic.

If I levitate that shovel over the door and release it when he comes in… no, then I’m still stuck in the middle of nowhere with a few extra enemies to worry about.

The fact that I was still alive in the first place meant they had to want something from me, which in turn meant that somepony was coming back for me. So I decided to play the waiting game. That doesn’t mean I didn’t get bored.

How long are they going to leave me here like this? Let’s see… how long would I keep somepony prisoner if I wanted him to talk? I guess that depends entirely on how valuable the information he had would be and who specifically it was. I mean, if it would be just some courier doing his job, I guess I would check up on him every hour or so. I’d want to scare him, but not kill him. If it was that pink thing from Ponyville though, then all bets are off. I hope I’m not the pink pony to these guys.

I shuddered at the though. Then I remembered what the difference between this morning and the one before that was.

I could really use a giant muffin right about now. One with a purple potion inside of it. Or any other kind of potion, I’m not picky! Derpy? Are you here?

I waited patiently for a full minute.

You traitor! You get me out here and-

Hoofsteps were coming toward the shack and a moment later somepony started unlocking the door.

Sorry! I thought you left me here to rot, but I know you would never do that. And I didn’t know you could read minds, so there’s something new.

The door opened and a familiar gray Pegasus that wasn’t gray or a Pegasus walked in. Braeburn was back, looking a bit worse for wear than how I’d seen him not one hour ago. He was sweating and all that aggression from before was magically gone. I could see a newspaper sticking out of his right saddlebag. He came to me and took the cloth out of my mouth. Then, before I could say anything, he showed me the newspaper. Surprisingly, my daring escape from Canterlot wasn’t the headline. There were more pressing matters to report about. A shaded drawing of a dragon flying over some burning buildings, spitting fire, was the main focus.

Hey, Old Yeller did make it to Ponyville! I wonder what happened to the Wonderbolts?

There was a smaller picture inserted into the drawing, along with a caption.

Oh.

It suddenly got very hot and I don’t think the rising temperature in the shack had much to do with it.

“So you really did fly it?”

Braeburn’s eyes were the size of dinner plates. While I was busy slowly nodding – like a boss - he pulled out a key from a lowboy near the door. I have to admit that the hiding place for the key was quite brilliant. I never would have thought of looking at the one piece of furniture closest to the door for it. Then he turned back to me and unlocked the chains.

“Come on. Let’s go.”

He said that in a completely numb voice, probably still trying to wrap his head around me riding a dragon. Then he mechanically waved a hoof at the door and I got up.

“Where are we going?”

“We're gonna meet with the gang. I think we could use somepony like you.”

To rule? OK, I’m up for that.

We walked back to the town and went to the Salt Block once again – I had gathered by then that it was just about the only gathering place in the whole town – only this time, we went around the back.

Typical. A shady group getting together in the backroom of the town saloon. And I guess the barkeep is in on it, huh?

There were two Earth ponies and a Pegasus waiting in the room, and once we sat behind the round table, the barkeep brought drinks and went away. I noticed they all wore identical hats, only with different colors. I knew where this was going.

Let me guess. They’re going to be named by the color-

“I want you to meet the gang. Here we have” he went around pointing at everypony in a clockwise direction, “White, Blue and Yellow; I’m Orange and,” he reached out for a purple hat and gave it to me, “this one’s yours if you care to join us on our little adventure.”

What’s this? I haven’t even sat down and I’m being recruited? And I still have to pee! And, actually…

“Your hat isn’t even orange, it’s brown? What gives?”

The other three looked at him in surprise. He looked up to the rim of his hat as well and smiled.

“That’s to ward off the any nosy detectives. And besides, my mane is.” He winked and approached me, then put a hoof on my shoulder, “I see I did right to bring you here.”

Being accepted into a gang wasn’t exactly high on my list of priorities, but given the circumstances, I couldn’t complain. Literally, or I could have ended up as fertilizer for those damn trees. But before I could make a brilliant speech about how proud I was to be part of whatever they were doing, I really had to pee, so I shoved Braeburn’s hoof aside.

“Uhm, I really have to – go.”

He told me where to go and after a few unnervingly satisfying minutes, I was back, as relaxed as if I were in a spa. It was time to get down to business, which of course meant making sure the table was full of cider. This was still a hick town after all. And I have to admit that the cider wasn’t all that bad once you got used to it. Growing those damn trees in the middle of a desert gave it a little zing, the kind missing from your average hick drink and the salt wasn’t half bad either. It was either that, or the cider suddenly got so good due to the fact that I was practically trapped in a mob town. Strange how that muddies the perspective.

If I drank enough of this I might even not want to kill everypony here.

The interrogation that began in the orchard continued, only in a much more relaxing way. We spent the afternoon slowly drinking while I made up some additional details of how I came to be here and passed them on to my new group. It wasn’t that difficult – I made up a quick story about how I stole some diamonds from the Canterlot Museum, threw in a borderline believable part about a favor-owning-dragon for good measure and kept the whole thing short and sweet. The most important part though, was that I made sure to tie those things in to the parts they already knew had happened.

They always say you shouldn’t make too much up when you’re telling a story, but that doesn’t work at all. I mean, what are you going to say if you’re a rock farmer? “I ate potatoes all my life and then I died?” No. It doesn’t work that way.

“Then I fell from the dragon and landed in a forest. You should have seen the things that went after me there!...”

Again, I used the things that had actually happened to me in the last couple of days to ward off any hidden lie detectors they may have had, then just replaced the Hate Parade from Ponyville with some made up creatures I called the Timberdogs, renamed the Pink Menace to the Glowing One for added effect and made the zombie into a zombie. That last part wasn’t that original, but then it didn’t have to be!

At least there are no zombies here, although Blue does look a bit malnourished.

“Then I followed the railway across the desert and now I’m here.”

White started saying, “There’s only one forest North of here…” but then trailed off; a hoof pressed against his muzzle.

I was feeling pretty confident after that performance, so I leaned back from the table and crossed my forelegs on it. Didn’t expect the next question, though.

“You survived the Everfree forest?! Don’t you know that place is cursed?” Yellow, the flying one, intervened.

What? No. That wasn’t the Ever… Damn it, it was!

I put two and two together and realized the dragon must have dumped me somewhere along the edge of the Everfree forest. We were going to Ponyville after all, in which case I should have probably thanked my lucky stars that he didn’t dump me in further or I would have been back to square one. On the other hoof, at least one pony here now thought that I had escaped from that place and it was time to capitalize on that.

“I knew that, but I wasn’t worried. Danger is my middle name.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t turn off to Dodge Junction,” White said with a still-surprised look on his face.

To where?

“I think he was too close to a heat stroke to see anywhere but directly ahead,” Braeburn half laughed, "He just followed the rails!"

I was a bit surprised by his response at the time, but now that I think about it, the cider might have had something to do with it. We were buzzed. So of course it was the perfect time to talk about the master plan that I was now involved in. Braeburn tapped a hoof against the table and stood up.

“Now that we’ve had a chance to hear from our newest member, I wanna know if anypony here has any doubts about Purple? Any at all – we’re all in ‘is together and I wanna make sure everypony is fully confident of each other.”

An eerie silence enveloped the room as everypony looked at everypony else and me. I swear I felt the Universe grind to a halt.

So this is where they stab you in the neck. If I smash that pitcher-

“No? Good!” And then it began moving again. “I’m glad my accomplice findin’ skills haven’t gotten rusty. I guess it’s time to let you in on the game.”

He nodded at Yellow who then got up and walked outside. Next, White and Blue got up and walked into the saloon. It was fairly obvious they were going to guard all the entrances into the room while Braeburn would explain the plan to me. Another by-the-book move.

I understand how they did it when there was Braeburn and two of them, but how did they secure this place when there were only two and the third one wanted to join? Did they just leave a note on the table? What about when there was only Braeburn?

“I’m guessin’ by your reaction in the orchard that you already knew somethin’ was off about this town.” And just like in the orchard, he was slowly walking around, only this time in half-circles on his side of the table and staying in my field of view. “A town like this, in the middle of nowhere? It doesn’t make much sense, does it?”

No, it makes perfect sense. And I’m sure Celestia, or whoever controls civic planning, is in no way skeptical about it.

“Well, the truth is, this whole town was set up as a stagin’ point for our little operation. It wasn’t supposed to be anything more than that orchard and a warehouse for storing our - ahem - goods. But we got lucky that so many ponies from other places heard about it and wanted to move in. Guess they were tired of their dull villages; now we’re just part of the crowd. But it’s finally time for this place to serve its purpose.”

Here it comes. The great master plan about robbing trains on the way to wherever or dealing in spiked apples. Oh, why am I here?

“We’re goin’ on a little heist.”

OK, I sort of expected that.

“So… what are we taking?”

“Don’t worry about that just yet.” Braeburn answered, “Right now, I want to know if yer in or not. We can’t just go revealin’ the whole plan without taking some precautions, what with yer – ahem – recent activities.”

You mean how somepony here kicked me in the head and I woke up tied to a bed? I know, I’m a true menace.

“The only thing I can tell you is that we’re takin’ a short train trip tomorrow and that we’ll be back in the evenin’.” He was still staring at me. “And you’re gonna be a whole lot richer.”

My options were a bit limited at that point. I guess I could have said that I’m not interested, but given the reception I got at the orchard, I had a feeling saying that would be detrimental to my well-being. Oh sure, I could have kicked Braeburn down and escaped, but then I would be left stranded in the desert again. And the last time that happened, I ended up in Appleloosa! So it was still better to go along with this and see where I end up. Anything was better than becoming badger food or going back to civilization. Wait; do badgers even live in the desert? I don’t know. Anyway, if I was going to join the raid, I had to do it in style.

“I don’t know. Depends on how much bits we’re talking about here. I don’t really want to waste my time if it’s under a hundred.”

“A hundred thousand?” He laughed and repeatedly hoofed the table, “And here I was, thinkin’ you’d want half a mil!”

Mil? What do mean - oh. OH!

I was in. Salivating and shaking a bit maybe, but definitely in. While I was busy imagining the giant pile-o-bits that would get dumped in my back yard once the heist was over, Braeburn collected the others and they gave me a formal greeting. I had to peel an apple. I don’t know why, but that’s what I had to do. After that, we had some more cider to celebrate our agreement and then the meeting was disbanded. For security reasons, I was told to stay the night at the saloon. Something about not having the group members sharing houses or whatnot, but I didn’t really care. I also can’t say that I slept well that night. It’s amazing what knowing you’re about to be filthy rich can do to your adrenaline levels.

A gold plated crowbar. And then I’ll have somepony tattoo gold into my cutie mark to make them match!

Sometime after midnight, when it was still pitch black outside, the Hat Club, as I’ve decided to call them, came knocking at my door. They rushed me out of the room and across Appleloosa to the train station. Blue actually lock picked the door and we made our way to the attic of the station where there was a comically oversized slingshot hiding half-finished in the corner along with some sort of sled with kite wings at the side and long harnesses coiled on top of it. Braeburn noticed me eying it.

“Plan A. Before you came along.”

That doesn’t look very safe.

“So what am I supposed to do?”

“There’s gonna be a train passin’ by here in fifteen minutes. A train that never stops here. And you’re gonna move a switch to divert it to a dead-end track.” I didn’t really like the sound of that, but he clarified before I had a chance to ask, “They’ll stop the train before it runs out of room, don’t worry about that.”

But I wasn’t worried about that.

“Once the train will reverse back to the main line, we’ll jump in the last carriage and settle in for the ride. It’s a lot less suspicious that way than if we had somepony running or flying away from the switch back to the train.”

“But won’t the conductor kick us off?”

“I highly doubt it!”

I highly doubt your plan.

I looked around and saw that the others were changing clothes. Thanks to the contraption I didn’t even notice the chests in the attic, but I did now understand why nopony was going to consider us freeloaders.

How in the world did they get Royal Guard uniforms?

Of course, since nopony counted on me going along, they didn’t have one to spare, but I was given a white lab coat that was lying around from what I assumed was a previous job. It was strange going to a heist wearing something that I normally wear at work. Sure, I do take a lot of office supplies and there was that whole thing with the experimental battery, but stealing from work is different. I’m entitled to those things and this was an outright heist! I guess I was starting to have doubts.

What if this heist isn’t against some bank or a museum? Am I really going to start stealing from other ponies? I know they’re all assholes, but still… And how good of a plan is this anyway?

“What about after the heist? Won’t they come after us?”

“Don’t you worry about that. Everything’s taken care of. All you have to do is move the switch and we can get the show on the road.” He paused for a second and smirked, “The railroad.”

One more pun and I’ll be switching you over to a dead pony.

They put the finishing touches on their armor and I dawned on my coat.

“Everypony ready?”

I can’t do this. A mountain of bit or no, there’s no way I can do this!

“WAIT!” The Hatters looked at me and froze in place. “What are we stealing?!”

I don’t know why I shouted. It was a pretty stupid thing to do, what with the five of us breaking and entering into a train station and the walls not being that thick and all that. But I had to know.

“I already told ya, I can’t tell you that right now.”

I’ve seen that look before. Right before I took a kick to the head.

“OK, then at least tell me who we’re going after. A museum? A bank? Hospital?”

It was good seeing Braeburn’s look take a turn for the better. He started smiling, kind of like a junior exec that’s just had his first project approved by the higher-ups.

“Do you ever wonder where the train tracks go? What’s so great about the Macintosh Hills?”

Oh, a pop-quiz. They're the gateway to The End of the World? No, wait; the Land of the Apes. Or maybe-

I noticed he was actually expecting me to answer, the way he was standing still and staring at me, but geography was never my strong suit. I just never cared about what’s outside of Equestria, and those hills were the border, so I had no desire to know if that was the place where griffons come from or if it was a land of pixies. If somepony would actually give me a choice over the matter, I’d definitely go for pixies. They’re just so much more useful than those genetic experiments, but then a lot of things would be better if I had more say in them.

“Uhm, I don’t know. Griffons?”

“No, not griffons.” That's good., “There’s a place up there, in those mountains. They call it The Forge.” I noticed just how sharp the transition from laughing to talking was and just how low his voice had gotten. “You won’t find it on any map or in any textbook, and that’s because it’s a Royal Gold Mine.”

Royal? but that means-

“Won’t that make Celestia furious?”

“I imagin’ it will.”

And so it was that I, the brilliant Dr. Freemane, became an integral member of a crime syndicate. Life can really take some strange turns, right?

“Now we have to get movin’ if we don’t wanna be seen seetin’ up. Help White and let’s go!”

White was already waiting at one of the still-closed chest. I enveloped one handle with my magic and he bit the other end while occasionally looking up at my horn.

Everypony is always so surprised to see a bright orange glow coming out of a light-gray horn. Well you have stupid eyes!

Yellow and Blue picked up another chest while Braeburn took a measuring wheel and we made our way down once again; four Royal Guards and one scientist. After getting to the junction, Braeburn measured out the distance from the junction to where the train should stop once it backs up. That was where we dumped the chests and covered then with some shrubs and tumbleweed to make sure they weren’t noticed, then ran back to the station and hid behind it. I gave my lever-pulling skills a test to see if I’m actually moving the right one and Yellow flew to the top of the train station for some long-distance spotting. Then we waited. And waited.

If this is going to take any longer the Sun will come up and then we’re going to have to explain ourselves to some very surprised villagers.

“Say Brae – I mean Orange, what about the security?”

“Don’t worry, it’s light.”

That didn’t make me feel any better. Saying that security is light is a matter of interpretation. I can say that the security in my house is light if I know that some burglar is listening and laugh when he gets his mane caught on fire. Technically I wouldn’t even be lying; having a small flamethrower above the most flimsy-looking door is still light compared to having a bazooka strapped there. It’s the same with this. That did make me wonder...

"Do they have just some elderly ponies guarding the mine, like at a mall or something, or do they have the Royal Guards guarding it?"

“Royal Guards are partollin’ the place but there aren’t many of them. They can’t afford to draw attention to the place.”

“So what do we do with the guards on the inside? Do we have enough shovels?”

“What – no,” he laughed, “you're really taking this lightly, aren't you? Good to see. But no, we’ve got that covered.”

He opened one of the chests and pulled out two bottles of very familiar design. Potion bottles, yellow this time. It didn’t take me long to realize what it was.

Poison. The silent killer.

“Invisibility potion. And we have a crate-full. We actually had a collection of these comin’ our way, but some dolt in Ponyville managed to destroy a crate-full.”

Whoops. My bad.

“Good thing yer here now or this would’ve been a whole lot more difficult!”

Yeah, you’re right. You should be happy I’m here. I’m the best.

I might have been wrong about the poison, but I finally understood how we were going to get deeper into The Forge. Things are a lot easier when you can’t be seen and we could even take our time doing the job. Heck, with a large enough supply of invisibility potion, we could probably move the entire damn mine over to Appleloosa and would be swimming in bits by the time the Guards realized something had gone wrong. I was warming up to the idea.

The Royal Guards. I’m going to rub it in their faces. First, flying away from them out of Canterlot, now this. It’s going to be awesome!

While I was basking in my future glory, White shouted, “It’s coming!” while keeping his voice as close to a whisper as possible, making him look like an idiot.

Braeburn followed in his hoofsteps with, “OK, get ready everypony!” and then pointed at me, even though I was standing right next to him. “Whatever you do, don’t pull the lever until after the engineers pullin’ the train pass the junction, or they’ll see you do it!”

Really? I thought I was supposed to wave to them and ask for permission before – nah I can’t be bothered with sarcasm right now. Let’s just do this.

It didn't take long for us to be able to hear and feel the train approaching in the complete calm of night. Yellow quietly flew down from the edge of the roof and landed next to us. While the rest watched for the silhouette to appear next to the train station, I kept my eyes firmly on lever.

If I get this wrong and the train goes straight on, I’m tree chow. No pressure.

Suddenly, the train whisked past me. I was caught off guard and I immediately realized why. It didn’t have its headlight on! Still, the split second it took for that thought to form in my mind, carry over the information and dissolve was just enough for the engineers to run past the lever. I enveloped the lever with my magic without even thinking about it and, a second before the front wheels of the locomotive reached the junction, pushed it down. It moved, and with it the track.

How shocked must the engineers be right about now? They just took a wrong turn with a train! How do you explain something like that to your boss?

Everything went surprisingly according to plan after that. We waited for the train to be pushed back to the right track before boarding the last carriage with our luggage, only this time I was spared from carrying anything seeing as how that would be suspicious. I was a bit surprised to see that nopony stood in our way as we went aboard; probably thanks to the confusion that followed as the train stopped and the fact that several ponies came out to ease the load while it was being pushed back. The last carriage was filled with crates and there were two benches near the door to the next carriage. Two strangely dressed ponies were sitting on one of them. They didn’t look like miners, but more like something approaching a guard of some sort, only with symbols I couldn’t recognize.

Private contractors. This heist is getting easier by the second.

They wanted to say something, but Braeburn beat them to it by deliberately ignoring them and ordering White and Blue to head over to the next wagon and “secure it.” Then he motioned for me to sit on the bench next to the two blue-and-black clad security guards while he and Yellow leaned on the crates, each looking at one door of the carriage. I don’t always give compliments, but when I do, I give them in my thoughts so I don’t spoil the whole plan.

That was some nice manipulation. I doubt either of these two is going to say a word for this whole trip. They’re almost frozen with fear. But wait, I won’t be able to talk either with these two around! Damn. This is going to be a long trip.

Episode Four: The Forge

I spent most of the ride thinking up ways to spend the bits once I got them, and it was strange. It’s only when you’re faced with the prospect of having way more bits than you had ever imagined that you see how many ways there are of spending them. The volcano spa-thing was alluring, but then so was an underwater palace. Maybe an entire city. Or a Frankenhoof-style castle, complete with lightning rod and a surgical table. I could already see a certain princess on it.

"Allow me to show you to the guest room, Your Highness!" And then ZAP! FrankenSun!

What brought me out of my scheming was the unmistakable sensation of the train slowing down, and seeing how that meant it was time to get off, I reexamined my surroundings.

Those guys are still as stiff as boards. Braeburn and Yellow switched places, I see. The crates are still there. But shouldn't we regroup before we get off the train? There's no way I'm calling out for those two on the platform.

The good think about Yellow was that he was a Pegasus. Telling White and Blue apart now that we weren't wearing our hats was going to be more difficult once we got off the train, but at least they weren’t here now, so that was a plus. I’m terrible with matching names to faces, even if they have different color manes. And fur. And eyes. Anywho, Braeburn saw me looking around.

“Won’t be long now. We’re nearly there.”

Really? I never would have guessed that! Ugh, I wish I could at least stretch my legs before we get off. I don’t want them falling asleep the moment I get up, or I’ll tumble down the steps to the platform like a slinky. Saw it happen to a filly once and– wait, didn’t I see her somewhere else?

Before I could figure out the case of the Bouncy Filly, the window next to me went bright. Morning had come and I pressed my muzzle against the window in the hope that I would see anything familiar. We were obviously at the Macintosh Hills, that much was clear. They were about the same as the Dragon Mountains, or whatever they were called, but these were more reddish-brown and some higher ones had some snow on their peaks. We were in the middle of nowhere. That said, I couldn’t wait to get off.

Stop, you antiquated piece of-

The train stopped. Suddenly. With just enough of a jolt that I slammed my head against the window frame. The annoying pain was one thing, seeing starts in daytime was another. I shook my head and saw everypony staring at me and turning away as soon as I looked back at them.

How was everypony else prepared for this? Did I miss a signal?!

To make matters worse, I was looking out the wrong window. When the two contractors got up and started going for the exit I caught a glimpse of a massive complex through the window on the other side of the wagon. There were more guards there, both the royal kind and the pretenders, as well as a few scientists. And then I saw something I should have seen coming. The Royal Guards were waiting for us to get off the train, checking everypony that stepped onto the makeshift platform.

Can never be too safe with outsiders, am I right? You go get - oh, snap. I’m an outsider too, aren’t I?

I nervously looked toward the exit and saw the distinct blue decorations on the Guards’ helmets surrounding the two contractors before they even had the chance to step down from the carriage. Then I caught sight of one of the other scientists outside and realized something.

The scientists are going on the train. That means there must be more of them on the train to replace them! And, technically, I have two Guards here to escort me, so that’s not a problem.

For a moment, I felt at ease. I would get off the train, Braeburn would do the talking, and then we would somehow get into the mine, steal the gold and get out. And as soon as I said that part in my head, my muscles refused to obey. It’s one thing to plan a heist and a whole another thing altogether. And while Braeburn and Yellow went to the doorway, I looked at the scientists outside again.

Those… Those aren’t the kind of lab coats that I have.

If there was ever a time for panic, this was it. There was no way I wouldn’t be getting more attention from the Guards than the regular science-types, and that realization sent my brain into overdrive.

If I break open a crate right now and drink a potion, what are the chances of being stopped? If I shunt those two to the exit to confuse the Guards, I can have the door behind me opened in 0.3 seconds. A jump takes a tenth more.Then to shut the door behind, jump out the side of the carriage, run to the locomotive and take control - get some wood or coal into the firebox and light it, get the water to temperature and then use the time-tested method of trial and error to figure out what the levers and valves in the cab do. I- no. No.

I quickly figured out that the sheer act of cracking open a crate would paint a giant bullseye on me for the Guards, so I decided to try my luck with getting off the train. Thanks to the check-up, it took a few minutes to get to the steps, during which I looked out the windows as much as I could, trying to figure out more about this place.

At least we're in the right place.

The one thing that dominated the view was a large stone façade built into the side of the mountain with a few smaller buildings scattered to all sides. It didn't look like the entrance to a mine, but then it didn't look like anything else I'd ever seen either. Instead of all the ornaments you would expect to find in a Royal building, this one was just so... straight. It was a giant white rectangle with some square pillars and small windows in it. The only thing that wasn't square was this massive steel door keeping the mine under lockdown while we transferred, so at least the target of our operation was immediately clear, but while I was busy admiring the architecture of the place, it was my turn to step off the carriage.

Just remember: keep calm and bring a Tazer. Wait. No.

Before I knew it, I was standing on the tracks behind the train, with Braeburn and Yellow arguing something with the real Royal Guards that had encircled the end of the train. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have been worried, seeing as how they ambushed every exit out of the train, but I didn’t know it at the time.

They caught us. Game over. Don’t twitch. They’re gonna arrest us. I said don’t twitch! OK, better. OK, if I rat out those guys and-

“Come with us!”

The real Guards took us straight through the crowd that had gathered on the platform next to the train and before long there was a funny-looking Royal Guard looking directly at me, his eyes narrow as if he was already interrogating me for the crime that I was still to commit. His armor was slightly different to the rest, with purple colors added to the gold, and an ornamental shield glued on the front, which I guessed meant he was their boss. It’s a good thing you never have to wait long for something like that to prove itself.

“Identify yourself!”

He reached out with his hoof as the other Guards nearby clenched their spears in an obvious show of force and intimidation.

“Ah- I beg your pardon, sir!” A voice cried out from my left. We both turned and I saw Braeburn lowering his head. He had a plan, or at least I hoped he had a plan. “We have escorted Dr. Thornsworth here, so that he may examine the operation.”

Before the boss-Guard had a chance to say anything, Yellow also lowered his head and added his touch to the fairy-tale.

“We assumed you had received the message.”

White and Blue must have been close enough to hear us, because at that precise moment, they pushed their way into the newly formed Guard-circle, and looked at me without even glancing at the boss. Then White – or was it Blue? It was hard to tell when they wore helmets with those blue ornaments – finalized the act.

“I hope you traveled well, sir.”

So that's the game. Why didn’t I think of that?

“Nonetheless. Every arrival to the Facility must present his identification.”

You just don’t give up, do you?

Braeburn intervened again, only this time he leaned past me, close to him, and nearly whispered, in as clean as voice as I’d ever heard him, “We’ve traveled cramped in the back of the train thanks to that delay. Do you really wanna inconvenience us further?”

The boss-Guard blinked and his eyes got just a tad larger than before. The natural aura of superiority vanished in an instant and I could see him second-guessing his approach. But I knew that wasn't the end of it.

“I can’t- I have to see some papers before I can let anypony in!”

The fact that his voice had gotten a bit lower and jerkier told me he didn’t really have a plan on how to follow-up if I didn’t comply. Now I narrowed my eyes, but only a fraction. I didn’t want my act to fall apart from overdoing it. Then I looked him in the eye for a full second without moving or saying anything.

“And I’m sure you have plenty of new arrivals to take a look at, don’t you?”

The Guard flinched so hard it resonated through the Guards standing next to him. And I learned something new.

I never knew a white Guard could turn pale. B- for effort.

“Well… actually, I-“

It was time to finish the deal and I had him exactly where I wanted him. That’s the great thing about those military-types. Show them a figure of authority and they’ll crap their armor. And if you don’t have one, make one up!

“What’s your name?”

“Shining Armor, sir.”

“Well Shining,” I scratched the shield on his uniform a couple of times, then took a look at the tip of my hoof, as if I was examining it. “Your armor isn’t all that shiny.” It was funny because it wasn’t true. And it was a pun! But one that I’m still proud of. “Why don’t you go make it shine before I take my complaint back to Canterlot?”

“Yes – yes, of course!” He stuttered and stammered, then bowed and galloped away. The others looked at me with fear in their eyes.

That went better than expected. OK, let’s do this!

“OK,” I loudly announced to nopony in particular, “Where’s the tour guide?”

All around me, ponies were turning to one another, deciding in muffled sounds who to sacrifice to the Freemane. After a few seconds a young white unicorn was pushed from a nearby crowd. He had a standard-issue lab coat with pocket protector, and saddlebags filled with clipboards and documents. In other words, a lab assistant.

I guess I can’t blame ‘em. If I got a surprise inspection at the lab, I’d throw a lab monkey into the fire as well. It would give me more time to destroy the evidence.

“So, you’re the tour guide, huh?”

“Uhm, well… yes, I’m-“

Penicillin. That’s now your name.

“Come on, let’s do this. I don’t have all day.”

I did have all day, but it sounded so much cooler saying that. I nodded to the “Guards” to get our stuff and slowly walked behind Penicillin. I don’t know where they stashed the crate-o-potions, but now my Guards were carrying saddlebags I didn’t see before, so I knew things were going to plan. We first took a look at some of the outside structures, so in case something went wrong I at least knew where the dining hall was. Both of them, actually. There was a smaller one on the left side and a much larger one on the right side of the entrance to the mine. He pointed to it and said it was the mess hall for the workers, although I didn’t quite like the way he pronounced that word, like he was going to get his brains chewed out if he said it too loudly.

I’m all for feeling high and mighty over the common masses, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to talk about them like they’re diseased. Except for Screwball. I wouldn’t touch that with a beam of energy. And where are the workers anyway?

After going through a few standard offices filled with nervous ponies sitting at desks and pretending to be working, we finally entered one of the two small buildings next to the massive door. It didn’t take a genius to figure out it was the gatehouse. The fact that I am one was just in- wait, I feel like I’m repeating myself. Anywho, we got inside the gatehouse where Penicillin kept pointing out the obvious, from the security control panel that required two ponies to activate the door, to the… Actually, that was about it. It really didn’t have all that much in there apart from the control panel and the lockers by the wall.

The lockers. I wonder what they’re keeping in there. Dead raccoons? This place does smell like it. Would it break my cover if I asked? Like, if I just casually asked how long they're keeping the corpses in there before the ritual, would that be weird? Better not.

“Of course, another room just like this one sits on the other side of the gateway so that no one pony can enter alone. There must always be two unicorns present, one in each.”

But why? This is a gold mine. I know it’s the Royal goldmine, for what that’s worth, but come on! The place isn’t even on a map and even if somepony found it by accident, the sight of the standing army would probably tell him to back off. Unless he was me, but I’m already infiltrating the place!

“I take it you would like to inspect the rest of the facilities?”

I don’t like it when ponies ask me stupid questions, and this was a stupid question. I didn’t – allegedly – go there to take a stroll on the surface and go home. I was there to inspect the living daylights out of the place! Or at least find where they keep the gold, sneak somewhere where we could take the potion, and then go home. Or wherever we would stash the gold, anyway. I summoned my overlord voice.

“Naturally.”

He gave me a strange, fearful look before he nodded and signaled to a waiting contractor to activate the panel. After a few seconds of concentration and sparks flying from his horn, the ground beneath us started shaking. The massive door slowly swung open and when the dust settled, we went inside.

They don’t skimp on security, I’ll give them that. It’s good to know my tax bits are being put to good use. Of protecting an unknown facility in the middle of nowhere with a standing army, additional contractors, and gates the size of a town hall! How much effort went into making the door unicorn powered? You can’t tell me two unicorns can move them by themselves. There must be some serious magic stored up somewhere in here.

Behind the massive door was an equally massive marble hall with wooden offices put up on both sides. There were also some corridors with signs hanging above their entrances going into the side of the mountain. The strangest part, though, was the illumination. The whole place was lit up with what looked like encased gems, only they had a greenish-blue tint to them, but the light they were giving away was just like sunlight. There were also ponies everywhere, with contractors standing in offices and near corridors and a few scientists strolling about, looking all important-like. As they should have been! Still, the arrangement left something to be desired.

So they’ve got the showers in the same corridor as the security station, there’s the inspection room, there’s raw storage and refining… Excavation… The minting press, but where’s the – BINGO! – the vault!

I couldn’t believe my luck. Right in the middle of the giant hall there was a clear sign that said “Vault,” and there I was, expecting for such a massively guarded mine to have the vault hidden away somewhere. I instinctively took a turn toward it, but Penicillin let out an “Uhm,” and looked at me strange, so I stopped.

“I’m sure you want to inspect the – ahem – lower vault?”

The lower – OH, the lower vault! I get it. This one is for the robbers and the laymen, and the real vault’s down below. Clever.

“Of course I do. But I also want to see what you’ve done with this one.”

“Okay,” he slowly said and we went into the fake vault.

After two security checkpoints – they really put some effort in the charade! – we made it to a sealed door that was basically a smaller replica of the one we got in from, only with a comically oversized hoofwheel attached to it, probably as a failsafe in case the magic ran out. As soon as we got close enough, the wheel started turning and the door opened.

“Let’s see what you plant-“

Penicillin used his magic to light up the gems in the vault and at that point I cam to a strong conclusion: It either wasn’t a fake vault or they had made some very impressive imitation gold bars. Also: You can light up the gems with a basic illumination spell.

Breathe. Just breathe.

There was more gold in that vault than hay in a barn. It was stacked to the top, three ponies high, on both sides and the only reason I wasn’t salivating was because I kept wondering how much gold there was in the lower vault, if this was the one they were willing to sacrifice. But I kept my cool.

“Uhm, well, OK. I’m quite happy with this place, so if you don’t mind, we can – uhm – go to the lower vault. Now.”

I’m not sure if it was the smile that made his curious, or that I said if he didn’t mind, but Penicillin was starting to see through my disguise. Braeburn stepped in.

“Dr. Thornsworth gets claustrophobic at times. Is there anywhere we can sit down for a moment?”

Penicillin nodded like his head was on a spring, and I soon found myself in the showers of all places. Apparently that was the most open of all spaces here apart from the hall itself, but here we at least had some privacy. While Penciling went to get me a glass of water, Braeburn was telling me something, although in fairness, I was still in the vault. It wasn’t until he tapped me with his hoof that I came around.

“Do you understand? It’s much easier that way.”

Uhm...

“We’ll rob this place while you’re inspectin’ the lower vault, and we’ll meet up on the train back.”

The robbery – right!

I didn’t know where they were going to hide the gold until I got out or how they would get it on the train, but the plan had worked up until now, so I had no real reason to doubt them. Besides, they couldn’t just leave without me while I was down there because everypony thought they were here to escort me!

“Sounds like a plan!”

“Okay, now you tell ‘em somethin’ about why we can’t join you, so we can leave and get ready.”

The timing was perfect. A moment later, Penicillin arrived with the glass of water. I took it and drank it to keep up appearances. The tour guide was very happy about something, though.

“I’ve already made arrangements for you to be let into the lower vault, since I’m not allowed there. So, when you want to go just tell one of the Royal Guards or somepony from the Security Force to escort you to the elevator.”

To the what now?

I had no idea what he meant by that, but at least everything was taken care of. And I even learned what those contractors were called! Now I just had to make something up about where the Guards would be going while I was inspecting things below, and what better way to bluff somepony than to first make him feel important?

“Thank you, my dear colleague.” I tried making myself sound as gratuitous as possible, but that’s just so difficult to do when you really aren’t. “I’ll inform your supervisor of your enthusiasm, err – what’s your name, anyway?”

“Cloppy. Cloppy Hooves.”

No, he didn’t just say that.

I felt a smile forming under my lips. I tried to fight it with every fiber of my body, but then my eyes started bulging out ever so slightly from the pressure. The fact I had suddenly gone quiet and was looking at him without moving or blinking wasn’t helping. He rolled his eyes halfway to the side and looked at the ground at an angle. I’m sure I saw him sigh, even though he didn’t make a sound, but then I had bigger problems than what sounds he was or wasn’t producing.

Whatever you do…

“Yes, I know.“

…don’t under any circumstance...

“I don’t know why they did that.”

…start laughing.

“Nopony ever tells me when I get spinach stuck between my teeth. And today was spinach day.”

He turned to face me with his sad eyes just as he said that and time froze for a moment. There were no sounds, no vibrations, and no movement. The only thing I could feel was cold sweat slowly running down from the sides of my ears and down to my neck, with s single thought repeating in my mind like a broken record.

He doesn't know.

That was it. Breaking point. In all honesty, I had tried my best to keep calm and make fun of the poorly-named idiot behind his back later, but this was the atom that created the critical mass. I didn’t just burst out laughing, I fell to the floor and laughed for a good minute. In the end I had to be dragged away by my own little protection service. The last thing I remember, apart from tears completely blocking my vision, was the sound of somepony crying and multiple hoofsteps going away. When I regained my faculty the whole gang was standing around me.

“What?”

“He ran out cryin’! Ah had to chase him down and apologize in front of everypony out there!”

Braeburn wasn’t happy. And, judging by the looks on their faces, neither were the rest of them. I got back on my hooves and patted Braeburn on the shoulder.

“Don’t worry, now we’ve got the whole place to ourselves. You'll just take the potion and-“

“Y’all nearly blew our cover!" I had to disagree with that. "If they didn’t do a background check before, why wouldn’t they do one now?”

Oh.

So that might not have crossed my mind, but I’m nothing if not ingenious.

“OK, plan B.” I didn’t know half of what plan A was, but that didn’t matter at the moment. “We speed up plan A. You take the potion and get as much gold out as you can, I’ll take a quick look at the bottom vault, and Yellow, you sneak out of the base and come flying back with a message from Canterlot saying we have to go back immediately.”

Even I was surprised at how well the planning of the plan turned out. I could see that the others felt something similar, but they soon started nodding. Except for Blue. He had a problem.

“But, how are we gonna get outta here? The train comes and goes when it does, and it ain’t gonna leave ‘till evenin’.”

There are those who make plans and there are those who argue them. Let's spell it out.

“If Yellow comes flying with orders from Canterlot, they’ll give us a chariot and the Pegasi to move it.” That shut him up.

“But, wouldn’t Canterlot send their own sky-chariots to pick us up if it were so urgent?”

Uhm...

I haven’t really thought about that, but I couldn’t say that.

“Well, I think Sparkly Armor is still too scared to complain.”

“Shining.”

“What?”

“Shining Armor.”

“Whatever, let’s do this!”

We stormed out of the showers and into the connecting corridor. Then slowed down immediately because it would look suspicious if we came running out of there. I walked over to the first Security pony I could find and blankly told him to take me to the elevator – whatever that was, while the others went outside to disappear and come back for the gold.

“Right this way, Dr. Thornsworth!”

I like hearing my own name being said like that. That’s how others should always address me. Only Freemane, not Thornsworth, but I’ll let it slide for now.

We went thought the hall, past all the makeshift offices and the ponies stationed in them and into an inconspicuous corridor a little bit wider than the others. There were a few Royal Guards in it, trying to look like they just happen to be in there on a break or something, but they wouldn’t have been able to fool anypony. They were too tense for that and the way they followed us with their eyes wasn’t helping.

Don’t tell them they’re doing it wrong.

“So, here we are!”

We were standing at the end of the corridor, facing odd looking doors. They had no handles or knobs, but there was a golden slit in the wall next to them. The Guard inserted a key of some sort into it and the doors opened to reveal a small square room.

What? Is this supposed to be the vault? This isn’t even as big as my closet, and there’s nothing in it!

I wasn’t sure if he was playing me a fool or if this really was my destination. But come on, an empty room? I think he could see the daggers in my eyes when I looked at him.

“Well, hm, if there’s anything else you would like to know, I’d be happy to oblige… if not, the elevator is waiting to take us down.” He was nervous.

Elevator? So this is it huh?

I was at an impasse. I couldn’t just ask what that was but being herded into a small room with him crowding into my personal space wasn’t something I would normally allow without knowing what I was getting into. Figuratively and literally.

Damn!

I carefully went into the room. Once he got in, the door closed and I felt a weird jolt. At least the strange grinding noises that followed kept my thoughts away from the other pony’s body heat. Then another jolt came and the whole room shook before the door opened to reveal another white hall, as well as a familiar Guard.

“Dr. Thornsworth!”

Shining Armor. So this is where we do battle.

“I’m glad you finally made it. Would you like to take a look around, or would you like to go directly to the vault?”

What?

I thought he had seen past my disguise seeing as how there were two Guards next to him, but everything he said had an air of blissful ignorance about it. Either it was the world’s most elaborate trap, or he really did want to take me to the vault.

“I think the vault’s going to be the first stop.”

He replied with, “Very well,” and then said something I would never have even hoped for. “You’ll have the vault all to yourself. There hasn’t been anypony in it since the - ahem - incident.”

The incident? What, did somepony get buried under a mountain of gold, because that would be… Actually, that would be a pretty bad way to die. Awesome for those who would find you, though.

Since I had no idea what he was talking about, I just nodded, and while he was busy finishing his well-practiced monologue on which protocols he was following by keeping it empty, I was busy scanning the place. This hall was much narrower than the one above. It also had corridors built into it, but there was less chaos here and there weren’t any signs hanging from the ceiling. Instead of the wooden offices of the hall above, this one had them built into the walls, if the doors were anything to go by, and the whole place was an artist’s wet dream, with colorful stripes going across the walls close to the ground. There were also no contractors or even Guards down here, apart from the two escorting us, or three if you count Shining Armor, and there were just a few scientists walking around. The gem-lights were omnipresent, though.

This must be the brains of the operation.

And then I thought of something that nearly ruined the mood.

If Shining is here, then he can’t possibly be doing a background check, so this whole plan-B is pointless! We could have taken our time and went home with a train full of gold, instead of a few crates on a chariot. Although we would have to seize the train or there’d be no space-

I nearly bumped into one of the two Guards when they suddenly stopped in front of me. Then they moved to the sides to reveal Shining standing in front of a steel door.

Office 7. That’s exactly what I wanted!

When the door opened, and the two of us walked in, I was in for a surprise. There was a corridor in front of us. Only this one had giant metal rings showing through the concrete at the edges of the floor and ceiling. There were no doors or even any fixtures on the walls, only a large round metal door shining at the end of it. Only this one wasn’t steel, it was silver. And there was a golden plate with several levers and a suspiciously shaped hole in it in the marble next to the door frame. Which was also silver. He took out a strange-looking key and a scroll from the saddlebags and levitated them in front of me.

“Here we are, Dr. Thornsworth. Would you like to do the honors?”

OK. And I use these how?

Before I made a complete fool of myself, I unraveled the scroll and realized I was looking at the most complex security system ever devised by ponykind. There was a drawing that indicated the key going in the keyhole, a second drawing with the position of the levers, another one with music notes coming out of the plate and the final one that showed the key being turned. Really. That was it.

Somepony said, “Here’s 5000 bits. Design a security system for this place by tomorrow and I don’t care how you do it,” and the other pony went, “Yes.” They might as well have made a giant briefcase padlock with a 1-2-3-4-5 combination on it!

At least it made my life easier, so I carefully placed the key in the lock and focused to get all the tiny levers rotated into the right position. Sure enough, musical notes came out every time I hit the right position, and then I turned the key. After some clunking noises a heavy thud from the door signaled that the bolts were out of the way. The whole door hissed and let off steam, then began vibrating slightly. A very specific noise appeared and got louder with every second and it wasn’t a good kind of noise either. It was pure rusty metal on rusty metal action and I was holding my hooves to my ears to preserve my sanity.

Hasn’t anypony here heard of lubrication?!

A few grinding seconds later, the whole corridor went quiet and the shaking stopped. I looked at the opened door in front of me and, sure enough, behind the shiny exterior the rest of the door and the inside part of the frame were covered in rust. They weren’t silver, but brown. Which also meant the door itself wasn’t silver, but steel. The only thing missing were the lights in the next room, but there would be time for that.

Somepony here got the idea of making this place more presentable but didn’t want to spend too much money on it. So he told some intern to make this door shine and he took that literally. I guess if nopony ever told him that door maintenance extends beyond the visible side of it, I can’t even blame him. He did his job.

I walked into the darkness in front of me when all Tartarus broke lose. In the space of a second, everything happened. First, an alarm sounded, which was worrying for all the right reasons, as was the fact that it came out of nowhere and was loud enough that I didn’t actually hear it, but more felt it rearranging the molecules in my bones. Then, just as I was turning my head back to look at the Guards, I caught a glimpse of them waving their hooves around and yelling. I didn’t even have the time to wonder why I was seeing less and less of them before a sped up version of a familiar shrieking noise cut through the alarm, and before I could move, the door had already slammed shut. They were surprisingly agile given their size.

Don’t. Panic.

Just as I managed to spark an illumination spell so that I wouldn’t be trapped Celestia-knows how far down under the mountain in complete darkness, I heard something.

“Dr. Thornsworth? Can you hear me?”

I didn’t panic, but I will have to remind myself not to go crazy the next time something like this happens.

“Dr. Thornsworth?”

No. Of all the voices I could be hearing, I get Shining Armor. This isn’t fair. I-

“I hope you can hear me, but I guess your communicator is broken.”

Communicator?

I leaned in close to the door and tried to pinpoint the source of the sound.

“We’ve had a breach in the upper vault and the system has locked you in, but don’t worry! As soon as we deal with the threat, we’ll re-set it and you’ll be out! Just stay calm and we’ll be back as soon as we can.”

The moment he stopped talking was the moment I found myself face-to-face with the golden panel. I did want to facehoof, but the need to shout at them for leaving me alone in the darkness was overwhelming.

“So you’re just going to leave me here?!” I tapped and kicked at the levers and the panel as a whole, but it didn’t do anything. “Hello?”

Stupid communicator. How- Wait a minute. Did he say the upper vault?

It’s a funny sensation when your blood freezes; kind of like somepony making snow cones under your skin, only less fun and with a higher chance of death.

If they get caught, how in the hay am I going to get out of here?

The only upside I could see was that they hadn’t found out who was behind the breach. Yet. But as soon as they would, my cover would disappear faster than the supplies in my lab. There was only one way out.

There has to be a backup to this. Nopony builds an impermeable door without a failsafe. Right?

If I could open the door before the Guards came back and convince somepony down there to take me up on the elevator, I could be out of there before anypony knew. That did rely on one thing, though.

So. Where’s the control panel? I know there has to be one.

For the first time, I took a look around. The inside of the room was cold and dark, but at least I saw the same gem-lamps that were in the rest of the facility. A quick burst of magic was enough to bring them to life and what I saw was a corridor perpendicular to the one I had just been in.

What kind of a maze is this place? There’s just one corridor after another. At least the one outside had markings on the floor!

This corridor was also higher and wider than the one before, almost the size of the lower hall, which explains why I thought it was a room, but there was something strange about it. To my far left was a door that looked exactly like the one I had just come through, only without the rust. There was another one to my right, only that one was square and big enough to serve as a draw bridge, if it could open like that, and it had two lines of red tape forming a cross over it. There were also several office doors on both sides of the corridor.

So is this the vault, or is that the vault? I can’t help feel being drawn to those giganto doors down there, but I just know I’ll need a key or something for it… And what does it say on the tape anyway?

I squinted. The message on the red tape said something about only authorized personnel being allowed through and the word “danger” was liberally applied all over the thing. Didn’t see the gold panel, though.

It’s probably hidden behind the tape. Well, since Shining didn’t give me the key to this one, it must be in here somewhere. But where?

You know how a detective has to get into the mindset of a killer if he wants to track him down? And how he does that by using evidence of past activity as a guideline to the killer’s mentality? Well, now it was my turn to play detective! And the only thing I had to go on was the security of the mine up until this point.

Where would I stash the key to the most secure thing outside of Celestia’s bedroom, if I had the mental capacity of a foal?

There really only was one answer.

To the offices!

“Aw! Damn!”

I nearly tripped when I took a step farther. There were grooves cut into the floor, two of them to be precise, and they went from the labeled door to the shiny one on my left. They kind of looked like inverted railway tracks.

Stupid negatives.

I went through the nearest door and found myself in familiar surroundings. There was a desk with all the usual office supplies, a lot of books on shelves and the ubiquitous filing cabinet waiting for me. I took a closer look at the books but turned away when I saw they were dealing with magic.

“Pffft.”

Magic. If you need magic to help with your math, get a different job!

There was nothing in there that would immediately grab my attention, so I turned back to the door and nearly got a heart attack. There was an all-black hazmat suit hung behind the door on the wall. Next to it, there was a baton and some extra pads for the knees and neck, along with a small selection of oversize syringes. A strange pendant hung on a lone nail. I had to take a closer look.

What are you supposed to be?

It was a single four-sided piece of gold with a small cut in it that was filled with something green. It looked kind of like a gem, only I had never seen a gem quite as strangely shaped as that one before. It was thin and long and, given the thinness of the pendant itself, couldn’t exactly have been very thick either. And the hole for the golden string wasn't even in what should have been the top of the pendant, so I immediately knew that what I was holding was obviously meant to be a part of something bigger. The way it was now, with just a single golden tooth sticking out of thin air, it was just a bit pathetic. The green part did shimmer nicely when you turned it right, though.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say you’re the key. Part of it, at least. And the remaining parts are in…

There were five more rooms to go into on the side I was on and four more on the other, with two doors on each side of the corridor I had come from. I could have gone one-by one until I got all the parts, but how unimaginative is that? Especially since the whole place was apparently deserted. I needed some fun.

Zigzag maybe? Or do I do it randomly and see how long it takes to get all the pieces? Zigzag.

I ran out of the office and into the door on the opposite side, only to realize that getting the other parts of the key was going to be way easier than I originally thought. The door I went to didn’t lead to an office, but to a medical station. It had two entrances, so I assumed the other two doors on this side were also leading into something like that. And what a medical station it was! There was a large operating table in the middle, a whole bunch of machinery and instruments on the back wall and countless medical items lying around on desks.

These guys really take care of their workers, I’ll give them that! But why would you put the operating room way into the vault where nopony can get to it?

The other two doors on the exit side of the corridor suddenly became quite a lot less interesting. There was nothing I could steal that wouldn’t raise some serious doubts at whoever I was going to pawn the stuff off to, so I made my way across the offices instead. And, wouldn’t you know, inside every one of them was a piece of the pendant.

They think that once you’re past the main gate, you must be part of the crowd, because there’s no way to get around the security there, so there’s no need to hide anything. Didn’t count on me now, did you?

It didn’t take a lot of effort to combine the fragments into a whole; they almost seemed to be pulled together. Probably by magnets or something. The final shape was a sort of circle with a pentagram on top of it and when I placed the final one in, the gems in the fragments – or whatever they were – started glowing, each in their own color.

I can never be seen wearing this in public. Never. Now where’s the lock that takes this key?

Not that I could even wear it in public. If the glow wouldn’t give it away, the fact that it had five extra chains falling from it like overcooked noodles would cause suspicion. It really was just a key and the only reason I was forced to wear it was because I didn’t have my saddlebags. The only thing missing now was the keyhole. The massive door at the far end of the corridor was the obvious choice but once I got there, the only thing I saw was a strange protrusion in the wall. It was the same shape as the pendant, only there was no way to actually attach the pendant to it.

The grooves are too shallow and there's nowhere to put the chains. How does this work? What, do I just swipe this thing across-

As I did that, a faint rainbow formed between the pendant and the lock. I looked around for a moment and then tried again, carefully bringing the pendant to the wall. Another rainbow formed and it got more powerful the closer I held it. Then, when the two were almost touching, the rainbow temporarily flashed white and disappeared.

So that was it?

Loud clunking noises came from the door, only this time they lasted for what felt like an eternity. Then it was time for another shock, as the whole door raise upwards into the ceiling.

How can it go UP?! It shouldn’t be able to do that! Damn. This place must be storing so much magical energy that it would be able to move a mountain!

At least the lights didn’t come on automatically, like I secretly expected them to. I was again left staring into the darkness.

Nothing a little magic can’t fix! Now where’s the gold?

There was one difference between this vault and the one above. This one didn’t have any gems that I could see, but then it also didn’t have something else.

Where’s the gold!?

Instead of the warm, welcoming glow of gold, the only thing I could make out from the feeble light coming from my horn were giant cylinder-shaped vats with narrow windows in them. They were filled with some kind of ooze and I could see the inverted railway tracks leading up from the center ones to the base of each vat. I had to take a closer look.

Are they making tacky jelly? But why would you-

Something large floated by the window. I’m not usually very jumpy, but there’s always time to make an exception.

“AAAAAAAAAAHHH!”

I went back to the entrance with rapid motions. Not running, just trotting. Very fast. Then I knocked on the door and politely asked to be let out.

“LET ME OUT! YOU BASTARDS! LET! ME! OUT!” I had to catch my breath. “This place isn’t a vault, it’s a morgue.”

I spent a few minutes knocking on the door until I realized that the sheer thickness of them meant I wasn’t going to be heard, so I stopped and looked around again.

There is a shiny gold panel by the shiny silver door, but that key’s on the outside, so that’s out. The offices lead nowhere. And the morgue, well, that’s a morgue. And there’s nothing in a morgue except for… A panic button. There has to be.

I rubbed my forehead feeling just a little bit disappointed at my initial reaction, then went back into the morgue.

This is a pretty big morgue.

It was a big morgue. There were those vats or tanks or tubes or whatever you want to call them, but that was about as much as my horn could illuminate. I passed a dozen of them, six on each side, before I started seeing the lighter side to the place.

We’ve got pickled ponies, so that’s something!

But the vats wouldn’t stop. And neither would my curiosity.

How did these ponies die anyway? Cave in? Carbon monoxide? Cooties?

I had to take a closer look, so I leaned in toward one of the windows, only this time I was ready for something to float by.

Come on, I know you’re in there.

And then it did float by.

“Ah!”

I jerked back. I might have been prepared, but I wasn’t prepared for that.

What was that!? Should I even…

I had to take another look.

Is that… a dragon fetus? But it’s deformed. And that doesn’t look like a claw at all!

It wasn’t until an oversized hoof came floating by that I rejected my first hypothesis. It wasn’t a dragon.

“You got caught up in something bad, didn’t you?”

And this is why we have those spellbooks with foalproof locks on them. I wonder if they all died like that.

I went around from one to the other and, sure enough, there was a strangely deformed pony in each and every one of them. What surprised me, though, was that no two corpses were completely alike. Similar, maybe, but never the same.

I like how they at least took care to die originally. It would be such a shame if you fried yourself up with magic and ended up looking like the corps next door.

Just as I was starting to get bored with going back and forth between vats, I turned to face the next one and found a fence cutting across the room instead. I couldn’t see what was beyond it, but I could see why it was there when I bowed down to have a closer look.

How long is that drop?

Somehow, I didn’t really feel like climbing over and finding out, so I followed it. At the center, right at the tracks, the fence turned ninety degrees and went off into the darkness on both sides of the room, on what must have been the bridge, so I did what every brave explorer would do.

If a trolley suddenly comes careening down the track when I’m up there, I’m going to be crushed. Unless I jump over the fence and fall to my death. But at least I have options!

I wasn’t really sure if it was better to gallop, trot or walk. They all had their ups and downs. Galloping would get me to the other side faster, but that was assuming there was an other side in the first place. All those warnings on the door could have been saying: “The lights are out and so is the bridge.” On the other hoof, they could have been warning me about some kind of radiation, in which case walking was bound to get me more exposed than galloping by the time I’d have figured it out. And trotting? That was just the halfway solution. And I don’t do halfway solutions.

Here’s to hoping I won’t be begging for another flight potion.

In all fairness, I did second-guess that decision the moment I jumped onto the bridge and heard the distinct sound of a hoof meeting a metal surface, but the momentum did the rest.

Don’t suddenly end. Don’t- What?!

The good news was that it didn’t end. The bad news was that somepony had left an oddly angled metal container nearly as tall as a pony in the middle of the tracks. All pain aside, I was at least glad nopony could see me mounting it.

“What kind on an idiot…”

…leaves a container in the middle of the tracks? It isn’t a trolley! And it’s not like the tracks-

The tracks turned into a fork right before it. Each new set of tracks was going off to the side behind me and descended into the darkness. The fence was also going toward the sides of the room – if I could even call it that anymore – once again. Still, there was another, curved, fence just beyond the container. And that’s when I noticed the same kind of protrusion on the top of the container than I’d seen before at the door. That also reminded me.

How far away from the entrance am I any- That’s pretty far.

The giant door was nothing but a small square of light and suddenly seeing the hazy outline of all the vats I’d passed didn’t make me feel very comfortable.

If that door closes right now, I can’t be held responsible for what I’m going to do. Just like in the war.

The weird container was suddenly my top priority. I brought the pendant-key up to the protrusion and, sure enough, the same rainbow formed, turned white, and disappeared. And then it happened.

The container hissed and started letting out steam, a strange vibration came through the metal floor, and the whole place started lighting up, but before I could look around at the twinkles in the sky that were becoming brighter with every moment, a piercing white light appeared in front of me as the container slowly opened. I shielded my eyes with a hoof, but otherwise, I took it well.

“Aaaahhh! Why do I do this? Why do I usher in the white apocalypse?!”

I picked myself up from the ground when the shining stopped. I also heard a familiar clunking sound from behind, but there were more pressing matters to think about. The whole room was lit up now, and I could see from my peripherals that there was a giant space around me, but my eyes were firmly fixed on what was in front and below me, in the container.

Is that…

It was.

An armored hazmat suit.

It was beautiful. The upper part was a metallic greenish-grey, with an orange chest plate. The lower part was mostly orange, with the strange metal only serving as bracing for more strength at the legs. There was a sign where the helmet should have been.

“HEV Suit. Huh. But what’s this?”

I turned it around and saw the greatest sight I’d seen all day.

“Built-in saddlebags!”

Right before I started cheering, I lifted my head up and saw the rest of the place, which was perfectly lit by now. And no, I couldn’t call it a room anymore. I was obviously standing on a raised platform, because what I saw all around me were the tops of vats. Hundreds of them, separated into lines by those damn carved-in tracks. The only thing that made the scene better was when I noticed that more than a few of the vats were broken and I could see the green ooze still inside them, and splattered on the vats nearby. Something about somepony running around, destroying those liquid coffins, didn't add up.

Actually, that one looks like it was broken from the inside. And that one. And- What was that?

Episode Five: On Kings and Queens

Now, that almost sounded like somepony kicked something.

The faint echo of glass scraping along the floor died out as quickly as it began and I stood perfectly still for a few moments, ears perked, waiting for the noise to appear again. Only everything went quiet, except for a strange buzz that I only now noticed, coming from the sea of light above.

Are they keeping fireflies in there? Please tell me they’re not using fireflies in jars as a light source?

Seeing as how they’d gone through the trouble of painting half a door shiny to make the place look better, it wouldn’t have surprised me to learn that fireflies were the cheap, halfway solution to keeping the place lit. Nopony ever went into the morgue, apart from the employees, and they were probably too drunk to care. There was only one problem with that hypothesis.

Actually, that makes too much sense. There’s no way this place would use something that simple. Sure, you'd have a few million dead fireflies every few weeks, but those have to be better at keeping the place lit than a jug-full of magic.

I squinted and looked up at the ceiling, but the light was so bright I couldn’t make out where the noise was coming from.

Besides, everything here has to be over the top. Like the overprotected entrance to the mine. Or that elevator thing. They’re probably using some magically-linked Rube Goldberg device just to power the lights. They did turn on when I opened the crate, and I don’t think there’s anypony here to flip the switch.

Nope, the place was as empty as the donation box on my desk. Nopony ever wanted to donate anything to the good cause of stockpiling weapons for the future uprising. The wimps.

My time will come.

But as I took a look around, I finally found what I was looking for. There was a small control panel just ahead of the suit container, along with a very big, very red button on it. Between the suit and the bright lights, it was easy enough to miss. And the giant morgue, can't forget that!

Right. Escape.

I wished I hadn’t looked back to the entrance at that point, because that's when I saw the door to the normal part of the vault. And really, I started wondering if I could even call it that, since I hadn’t seen a single coin anywhere. The clunking noise from when I opened the container played out in my mind, just to remind me of what else I'd missed apart from the escape button. I was trapped.

Great. So now I have to escape the morgue before I escape the vault. Brilliant design! Who thought of that one?!

I walked over the furthermost edge of the platform, where the fence from both sides joined together at the control panel. It took me all of three steps to get there, but I made sure to make them as heavy as possible. The metal floor would taste my wrath. Figuring out which button to press took longer. The shiny, rounded red button that was just begging to be pushed had a label underneath.

Emergency Seal? So what, is a seal gonna drop down from the ceiling, armed with a club and-

I stopped that thought when another meaning of the word popped up. Only this time, the meaning was even more confusing. I glanced back at the closed door far behind me.

Seal, huh?

“BUT I’M ALREADY SEALED IN!”

I never knew we had a Princess of Irony until that day. That said, she was probably the busiest of the lot. Did a heap-load more than Cadence, I'll tell you that! Not that it helped me in any way. I was left to my own devices - as usual - so I started searching for an override command. I put my muzzle to the panel and did my best to decipher the barely legible abbreviations under the smaller buttons and levers.

APDA – no. FLPI – no. RATW – no. MLP – Where have I heard that before? But no...

Finally, after going through a dozen labels, I found what I was looking for. The clever bastards hid it in the one place where nopony would think to look – just below the Emergency Seal.

OVRD! Finally!

I jammed the tip of my hoof into the button with all the force of a carefully measured push. What? I didn’t want to break it. What followed was the most glorious sound I’d heard since Lunestia shouted at me, only more poetic - a deep thunk, followed by the hiss of the door opening behind me.

“Yes!” I closed my eyes and threw a hoof in the air at the same time.

I’m outta-

There was a strange pony looking at me from behind the fence when I opened my eyes. Somehow, he’d climbed up on the descending rails without as much as a hoofstep.

“Here?”

It's strange feeling your eyelids expand like a balloon. Or your ears gluing themselves to the back of your skull. My initial scientific observation on the subject was as follows: It was terrifying. Fortunately, it was so terrifying that I had the time to discard that observation, bypass the panic of being eaten alive and go straight to a more profound analysis.

Which part of Celestia did you crawl out of?

It was the strangest Pegasus I’d ever seen; entirely black, with tiny, glass-like greenish wings and near solid eyes. And that was just the start! It had fangs and its legs were chock so full of holes you’d think one if its parents was a golf course.

And what’s with the mane? Are you a lizard? And-

That’s when I noticed the horn. What I was looking at wasn’t a Pegasus that flew through a hail storm. It was a leathery, Swiss cheese inspired alicorn. At least it was no bigger than me, which meant it was a baby alicorn, but still. I could feel a frown forming, no matter how hard I tried to keep up my poker face.

This thing is royalty, isn’t it?

He was a prince, no doubt about it – at least it looked male. Or it was a very ugly princess, which also wouldn’t be that surprising if you look at the ruling dynasty. Either way, my luck-o-meter was bouncing off the redline. Hundreds of miles; a desert, a forest and countless mountains, and I couldn’t get away from Canterlot. There was no point in arguing with it.

“You’re going to send a message to Celestia about me, aren’t you?”

I looked straight into his freakish, solid blue eyes and decided to gamble on one last attempt at leaving this place with my freedom intact. One final option that almost never fails when you’re alone with a spoiled bureaucrat.

“I’m sure we can work this out. I’ve got this giant stash of gems just waiting – hey, are you even listening?!”

Prince Attention Span moved the fence door out of the way and approached, one step at a time, all the while looking at me like I was the first pony he’d ever seen. I, meanwhile, was wondering what sort of punishment he was preparing for me behind that act. After all, he was the only member of royalty around, which automatically meant everypony in the facility was subordinate to him, young age or not.

Gotta love Equestrian politics. “No, he’s not too young – he has to learn how to boss everypony around somewhere!” Damn alicorns.

He was right next to, and then the freak factor got turned up to eleven. He started sniffing me, like a dog. First my hoof, then up my foreleg to my jaw. At least he avoided the part that dogs usually go for, so that was good.

What are you doing?

He tilted his head and took a step back, only now there was genuine confusion on his face instead of the curiosity I’d seen before. He was furrowing his brow, his eyes had shrunk slightly, his mouth was ajar – the whole lot! It was getting to be too much for me.

“Just tell me what you want and we can make a deal!”

He twitched back; my awesomely intimidating voice has that effect sometimes. And then it happened. A flame of green energy appeared at his hooves and slowly spread upwards. I was left staring at a replica of myself.

“Ughhh…”

I – well, the other me – then turned to the exit and slowly walked off onto the bridge between the platform and the entrance. I blinked a few times.

No more oxycontin. I’m done. It's not worth it.

You never really know how dangerous drugs can be until you see a hallucination transform into you. The only thing that didn’t make sense at the time was why the demon transformed into me, rather than the other way around.

If drugs are going to ruin me, shouldn’t I end up looking like that? Or am I a monster unless I do drugs? Projected introversion is horseapples.

I kept an eye on the departing me, and scraped a hoof against my chin, which is a scientifically proven way of provoking thought. And it worked! Only not the way I expected it to.

The red tape with the warning signs… That was for the broken vats! This place must be loaded with chemicals.

I took another look around, only this time I took a good sniff of the air as well. It had finally dawned on me that those broken vats were probably filled with formaldehyde and formaldehyde is nothing if not toxic. That’s one of its redeeming qualities. Otherwise it would just be a smelly liquid that kept dead bodies in one piece, and where’s the fun in that?

Gradual formaldehyde poisoning? That would explain a lot.

I couldn’t smell it, but then I had been there long enough for my nose to adapt. The HEV suddenly became the most interesting thing around me. It might have been missing a helmet, but it was bound to have a respirator attached to it.

I wonder if I fit in this?

Of course, the first thing I had to do, in order to answer that, was to figure out how to get in it in the first place. There were no zips, joints or visible locks on it, so after I circled it, I decided to employ the time-honored tradition of poking at it with a hoof.

Come on. I know you want me inside you.

I paused at that, and not only because of how it sounded. My hoof made contact with a small, nondescript panel to the side of the suit, and it popped out like a latch.

Hello!

Sure enough, there was another one on the other side, and after I’d grabbed both of them and pulled, the suit pivoted at the flank and came apart with a jagged line that went along the belly-part of it. I put a leg in and felt the welcome embrace of science-grade foam molding around it, but there was one thing that was stopping me from getting comfortable.

I guess you’re supposed to put this one without the lab coat, huh?

It was getting tangled in ways that would amaze chaos theorists. I flung the coat off and threw it over the rail. Didn’t take long to settle in after that.

Oh yes! This is the stuff. I didn’t start panting at that point. Those are just rumors. Those mares at the Happy Ending know their stuff, but that’s nothing compared to the cold, lifeless embrace of a well-designed armored hazmat suit. Wait. I guess I should say goodbye to my hallucination before it vanishes.

“Bye!”

The damn thing stopped in the middle of the bridge and turned around to face me, before going on its way again.

That’s just not right.

I swung my head around as much as I could, but the one thing I was looking for wasn’t there.

No respirator. Damn. I guess it’s in the helmet.

Finding an armored hazmat suit was turning out to be like getting a coupon for a free lap dance at a strip club, only once you get there, the only dancer that can redeem it calls herself Granny Smith. Really, who takes a hazmat helmet but leaves the rest of the suit behind?

I bet it was some disgruntled employee that took it home as payback for having to work in an underground morgue and that’s why they had to close this place down when the vats went. This was the only suit in here!

The next step was exactly that – getting out of the container. But when I tried to move my leg, the only thing I accomplished was to smush it against the padding a bit. Something was holding me back, so I looked down at the suit to figure out how to get moving.

Either this thing weighs a ton or it’s bolted to the container. And I don’t think they’d design an immobile hazmat suit. Then again…

I wriggled my legs around for a few seconds, until I realized I’d forgotten something.

I can’t move until I close it shut, can I?

For the first time since coming here, I have to say I was genuinely impressed by the safety protocols they had. Sure, I was in a formaldehyde-drenched morgue deep underground with an interactive hallucination running around, and yes, somepony had stolen the helmet to the HEV. But at some point, somepony who helped build it must have said, “Guys, wait! What if somepony forgets to put the suit on before he starts wandering around dangerous chemicals? We should probably keep him out of the danger zone until he’s safe.” It grew my heart three sizes.

Canterlot: keeping you safe whenever we mess up!

I looked back at the lifted part of the suit.

“And how do you do this if you’re an Earth pony, huh?! Didn’t think of that, did you?”

There was no way an Earth pony would have been able to close the suit unless he’d sprained his neck. And do I even have to mention there was no place for wings on that thing?

Good thing I’m a Unicorn. I can’t even imagine what my life would’ve been like if I had to carry my coffee in my hoof.

I grabbed the entire back shell of the suit in a nice aura of magic and closed it shut. Wasn’t prepared for what happened next, though.

“Welcome to the HEV. mark IV protective system, for use in hazardous environment conditions.”

“WHO SAID THAT?!”

Yeah, the suit started talking to me. Oxycontin withdrawal or formaldehyde poisoning - at this point, it really didn’t matter. What mattered was that a monotone female voice was telling me things I never asked for.

“High impact reactive armor activated.”

What?

“Atmospheric contaminant sensors activated.”

Okay.

“Vital sign monitoring activated.”

I guess you’d need-

“Automatic medical systems engaged.”

“HEY! Don’t cut me off!”

“Defensive weapon selection system activated.”

Weapons?

“Ammunition level monitoring activated.”

I don’t even…

“Communications interface online.”

Where?

“Have a very safe day!”

“I’ll make sure to do that!” I figured it’d keep talking forever if I didn’t say anything to put it at ease. The suit went quiet and I waited for a few seconds.

Is it… Is it done?

I let out a well-deserved sigh of relief and tried moving my leg to see if the suit was still stuck to the container. It wasn’t!

I just have to get out of here. Then everything will be fine.

I took a step out of the container when three things caught my attention. One, the suit didn’t sound like an anvil being dragged and dropped on the metal floor. That was good. Two, my hallucination was already out of the morgue and was standing in front of the door to the normal part of the vault. That was understandable. I was still in a morgue full of toxins and I’d take a while for my blood to clear. Then there was number three…

Is the door opening? Sure sounds like-

The quiet squealing sound really was that of the door to the elevator opening in the hallway. It was strange seeing a strip of light from the outside slowly going up my hallucination, but I didn't want to dwell on that. I stumbled forward to get to the exit, when two Royal Guards jumped me – the other me - and Mr. Fancy Armor strolled in to take me-it away.

No.

The moment I saw the Guards tackle me, I grabbed the rail to my right side and threw myself over, all the while knowing full well that I was in the HEV suit that would cushion my fall as I tumbled off the bridge I’d forgotten about.

Air?!

The cracks in the concrete were proof positive that the HEV was well designed. Too bad sound-deadening the non-hoof parts wasn’t on the agenda.

“Did you hear that?”

I was still lying on the floor when I heard the distant, yet unmistakable sound of a Royal Guard asking about the crash I’d made. I never could figure out why they all sound the same, but if their fur is any indication, I’d guess they were just bred that way. Celestia and Luna can lover the sun and the moon, what’s a little genetic engineering for them?

“Close it off!”

You know that strange jolt you get when you get two strong conflicting emotions at the same time? The way your heart skips a beat? Well, that’s kind of what I felt when I heard the other Guard’s reply. Something about two – or possibly more – Royal Guards not wanting to enter a morgue over a sound of something crashing, despite dealing with a vault heist upstairs, got my hairs on edge. Or maybe it was the lack of any kind of persuasion from the first Guard, like he just waiting for the other one to say it.

So, I’m about to be locked into a morgue. No problem.

Good thing I knew the protocol. The door would close, they would flip the kill switch on the lights and then I’d be left with nothing but the glow of my horn to guide the way. Didn’t matter, though. I could see the ramp to the platform ahead of me, and I still had the key-pendant, so all I had to do was wait a few minutes before re-activating the override. Getting back to the mine would be a problem, but that concern would come after I’d gotten out of the room o’toxins.

Careful…

By the time I got back up on my hooves, the door had shut and, just as I had predicted, the lights had gone out.

Amateurs.

I whistled my way to the platform. Literally. The whole thing was just too easy. The HEV even made my horn glow brighter! No idea how it did that, though, but I didn’t care. I was back in front of the console when I realized what a stupid thing I’d just done.

It was an illusion. All of it. My clone didn’t exist and that means that neither did the Guards. I jumped off the bridge for nothing. But that means…

The override button was on a timer. Obviously. Worst still, I’d just hallucinated an entire theater act, which meant the fumes were really getting to me. It was definitely time to get out.

Poke!

“AhhHHH!”

I forgot to shield my eyes from the inevitable burst of light, so for a while, all I could see was the red and yellow pulsing of my eyelids. Did you ever notice how you blood vessels look like snapshots of bloody lightning strikes? No? Go stare at the sun then. A few minutes should do it.

“Stupid. Bright. Lights.”

I rubbed my eyes and opened them as soon as the light from above no longer made me feel like I was on acid. Didn’t take long for the effect to return, though.

“Ugh…”

There was another hallucination standing on the ramp to the platform. And another one, completely identical to the first.

I guess brains really can’t make up new faces.

There were at least a dozen of those things on both ramps, and probably even more below. If there was ever a time to start panicking about how heavily poisoned I was becoming, this was it. But not before those things started coming at me.

Not again. I can’t see another me being dragged off by the Guards. That counts as premonition!

I turned to look at the control panel and took a few steps backward toward the bridge. There was one question that was burning a hole in my brain. I could feel it. Although I guess that could have been all the formaldehyde. If I could see an entire herd of those things, I probably had a toxin level high enough to be charged with smuggling the stuff.

I wonder if they’ll charge me with public intoxication if I – I chuckled at the thought before the next one came by. I’m gonna die.

I had to get out and there were two options when it came to that - to run away as fast as possible or to leave calmly. Running would make the blood flow faster, so I’d probably get more hallucinations, but I would be out sooner. Casually trotting would keep the toxins away from by brain longer, and if I controlled my breathing, I stood a good chance of being able to limit the toxin intake altogether, but there was one tiny variable in that.

If the door closes when I’m already over the bridge, my heart is going to punch its way out of my chest. I won’t even die of poisoning. The heart attack will take care of it.

I’ll take poisoning over a heart attack any day. It’s so much cooler and more exotic. Only when I glanced over at the bridge, one of the demons was already there, and others were looking at me from all sides. I was surrounded by my own imagination. There’s only so much I could take.

"You’re not even real!

They say you should always face your demons, but I chose to go straight through them instead. There’s really no better way to end an illusion than that. So, I took a step back for a running start and jumped right at the hallucination in front of me. You can imagine my surprise when I tangled with it. And then the cycle began again. We picked ourselves up from the ground, and it stayed right next to me and started sniffing me, just the like the one from before. Only this one looked at me all surprised-like and turned to the others. It shrugged.

This is too crazy.

I don’t know why, but I just couldn’t quite believe my imagination was strong enough to drop me on the floor. Whatever these things were, they were real and one of them was blocking my way. Now, before you start thinking zombies, no. I know we all wish that would happen, but let’s face it – it isn’t going to. That, and the lack of brain-related gasps, told me I was dealing with something entirely different.

These are lab rats from Tartarus.

As far as I was concerned, the recipe couldn’t have been simpler.

Take one lab rat, sprinkle it with death, feed it some hate and let it all marinade in a pool of bile. Then, after you scrub your conscience clean, take it out of the pan and shape it like a Nightmare Night ponyquin because why not! Boom - science!

Meanwhile, the experiment turned back to me and came closer.

“You’re in my personal space. I-”

It damn nearly bumped noses with me.

That’s it.

If it wouldn’t get out of my way, I’d get it out of the way myself. Only without touching it. Say what you will about the HEV, I don’t think it was gross-resistant. A magical shove, now that would work wonders.

“One more time: go away!” That didn’t work either, so I mustered up the magic and focused. “I. Said. MOVE!”

There was the expected bright flash of orange, only I never thought I’d be able to see it with my eyes closed. I had a feeling something had gone wrong when there was a loud popping noise a moment later. I opened my eyes.

How…

It was snowing black, with the occasional sharp chunk of black hail coming down with it. The recording from the suit about the weapons played out in my mind. There was one piece of good news, though.

There’s no blood, so it wasn’t a pony. Unless the blood got burned away, but then I’d smell it. So that’s good.

The black circle of charred whatever-it-was on the metal confirmed my suspicion, so at least I knew I really wasn’t hallucinating, which put a stop to a whole heap of worries concerning the poisoning. Now all I had to worry about were the hundred angry stares coming from all sides.

Don’t agitate them.

“Heh. Sorry!” I looked around. They were glaring daggers at me. I gave them my best smile. “He had it coming?”

ZAP!

Green bolts of magic started flying in from all directions. At least they were terrible shots. Most of the bolts landed on the ground next to me, some even went over my head and hit the ceiling – they were all over the place. And that was from near point-blank range! Still, there were a hundred of them, and every time one of them hit my suit, it sounded like a pebble hitting a tin can. I ducked my head and ran over the bridge.

“You’ll never take me alive!”

I was nearly on the other side when a strange buzzing noise, like the sound of a million angry bees, started closing in from behind. I didn’t panic, not until I started feeling the vibration through my hooves.

I can’t die like this!

There was a wall-like formation of those parasites flying toward me and firing off their horns. And then it happened.

ZAP!

One of the million bolts they fired hit my suit and, just like all the shots before, it bounced off. Only now I was over the bridge, and those vats near the door were damn close to the central corridor. I could actually see the bolt flying off past me, directly into a vat to my right. It didn’t punch a hole through it. It blew it open.

Not the corpse. Not the-

“Aghhhh!”

The green fluid came gushing out directly in front of me, and my hooves were already slipping on the spill when the misshapen black corpse of… that something from before flushed out of the vat. I practically hugged it.

Bunnies. Atoms. Derpy…

The happy thoughts came to an end when I heard the distinct sound of an alarm going off and the whole morgue started flashing red. The same voice that my suit had started shouting “Contamination alert!” all over the place, and the door to the outside started closing. Fast.

No no no no no no!

If I wasn’t in danger of being locked in a morgue full of overgrown mosquitoes, I’d have appreciated the Hoofywood-style escape I was in. The door was coming down from the ceiling, I was siding on my haunches toward the ever smaller rectangle of light with a corpse in my lap… Well, maybe not everything about this escape was movie-like. Neither was the fact that I wasn’t going to make it.

Slow down! How can I make it slow down?!

That brief moment felt like a minute. There was only one thing I had that could jam the door while I was sliding out.

Yes.

I wrapped my magic around the corpse and threw it forward at the gap. That’s one of the beauties of magic – no law of conservation of energy. Not in the classical sense, anyway, so I didn’t come to a stop or even slow down. The corpse just flew forward! Better still, it made it to the door just in time to slide underneath it, but not so soon as to go under it. The loud snap of the spine confirmed that, and the fact that I could hear it over the buzzing spoke volumes about the precision of my throw. The door let out a groan as the mechanism came to an unexpected stop.

“Yes!”

I threw myself on the back so I could slide out.

That was beautiful.

I came to a stop just in front of the door and slowly picked myself up. It wasn’t easy with all the green goo stuck to the suit, but once I looked back I knew I was out.

“Yeah! Take-”

The door was still propped up by the corpse and the buzzing was intensifying. My smile dropped. Then my instincts took over and I hunkered down. I had to get that corpse out of there or I’d just delay the inevitable. I grabbed it with a magical lasso and pulled on it as hard as I could.

Come on!

It wouldn't budge and now I could see the twinkling in those things' eyes as they got closer and closer to the light. Against my best judgment, I jumped closer to the body to get a better feel for the tug.

I said. COME ON!

This time, the corpse budged just enough for the door to exert its force. Only the body wasn’t really out of the way when the door slammed down. I don’t know if you’ve ever crushed an egg under you hoof, but this was similar. The black-green saliva-goo-slime that was in the corpse a moment ago had only one way to go. Took me a while to process that.

••• −−− ••• ••• −−− ••• ••• −−− •••

I don’t know how long I stood there, only that I'd never been happier about wearing glasses. The slime was slowly soaking my fur and my right hoof was twitching so violently I thought I was going to scrape off the rubber on the inside of the HEV.

“Oh no! Are you okay?”

Suddenly hearing somepony at my side did nothing to calm my nerves. I was never one to have some inner battles, so feeling one part of my body wanting to jump into an awesome defensive 180 and hunker down to face my attackers, and the other part of me doing all it could to keep my muscles still so that the goo wouldn’t get anywhere unpleasant was a whole new experience. In the end, my eyes shot wide open and I looked at the sciencepony.

“You’d better come with us,” he said in a frail, elderly, scientist’s voice and pointed with his hoof to the other end of the hall.

He also made sure to give me a wide berth as he came around to face me; nearly took his coat off on the wall, that’s how hard he scraped it. I couldn’t resent that.

If I’d have to maneuver around an angry slime ball, I’d do the same. Only I’d have a flamethrower ready.

He pointed down the hall a few more times, all the while looking at me with a stare that told me exactly how I looked – that fine line between wanting to laugh and wondering how much of my fur is going to come off along with the goo. It was only now I noticed his younger assistant standing by, looking slightly more terrified of the whole ordeal.

I hate you. And how are you two not afraid of this – a walking biohazard?

What can I say? Sometimes I give too much credit to others’ bravery. I don’t know how I didn’t think of it sooner.

This happens a lot, doesn’t it? I can’t say that surprises me.

The only question I now had was whether they’d turn me over to the Guards as I was, or if they were going to allow me to take a shower first.

Having a thick layer of death on me would work wonders in the prison. I bet nopony would come within earshot of me. NO! YOU pick up the soap! Now, go and… huh. Go clean your teeth with it? Or something? I have to ask somepony what happens after you pick up the soap.

That reminded me I had no idea what the long-term exposure to this stuff would do. A picture of that thing from the vat, the one that exploded into me, suddenly flashed before my eyes.

Am I gonna mutate? Were those mutants? The half-solid goo on my neck made crunching noises as I looked at my hooves. I don’t… I don’t feel like I’m mutating.

Amidst all the possibilities for what was going to happen to me, only one thing was certain: I was going to get arrested. But you know what? By this point, I was so far beyond worrying what the Guards were going to do to me once they booked me. That stack of gems I had hidden was always an option. But first I had to will every leg into moving, and the crunching noises weren’t helping. The scientist was looking at me, ready to duck and cover at the first sign of something squirting off me, and the other one was backing up into the wall. It was only after I’d turned all the way around that I saw the vault-like door on the side of the corridor, the ones that lead to the elevator, very much shut. Its shiny twin down the hall, on the other hoof, was open.

That’s new.

What’s more, there was a bright white light coming out of it that far surpassed the meager gems in the hallway, much like the light in the morgue. I couldn’t see much of what was inside, but I could make out more lab coats moving about and some straight-edged furniture leading into the white abyss. This was nothing like a vault, or a morgue. There was a certain familiarity to the brief outline that made me the happiest and most confused pony in the mine at the same time. That I hadn’t actually seen any mining take place suddenly started making sense.

That’s a laboratory.

“…you disinfected.”

I zoned out. Well, zoned in, technically.

“What?”

Not a bad thing to say after being given the mud bath from Tartarus. Pretty sure anypony else would have started screaming their heads off the moment they had the chance. The spitting started a nanosecond later, when a chip from the goo-ish crust landed on my inner lip.

That was horrible.

I looked up from the ground, back to the scientist, and asked again.

“What?”

He pushed his glasses further up his muzzle, and sidestepped the puddle of spit on the ground.

“I said, as soon as we get inside the Enhancement Unit, we can get you disinfected. Oh those blasted Guards – they should have told us you were coming by train!”

Enhancement Unit? What are you enhancing, Sunbutt’s butt? Because that’s already-

I stopped myself from thinking the end of that joke. There might have been a running gag in my old lab about Celestia’s mind reading, and how she uses it to spy on ponies and find cake, but there was no telling what safety measures she had in place here. Given everything I’d seen, it wasn’t a stretch to think that maybe the walls had ears.

She didn’t exactly see my escape from the hospital in advance, so there’s that. But then, I didn’t even know I was escaping until the last moment. Must have thrown her off.

It was a refreshing thought – all I had to do to escape the mind rays of the Sun was to not know when and how I was going to do anything. Of course, not planning things out in advance presented a new problem.

I’m going to have a hard time blending in if I constantly hover a baseball bat above my head.

“I know it’s not my concern, but why did you choose to forego the portal?”

Oh, you’re still here. What portal?

The curious way in which he asked that, and the strange mix of fear and worry in his voice told me he wasn’t really asking me that. What he wanted was reassurance that it wasn’t his fault for me nearly dying in the morgue.

“That’s on a need-to-know basis. And you don’t need to know.”

And I know I dub thee Spectacles.

That made him jump. But damn did it feel great saying that! Usually, you only hear actors saying it in movies, and here I was, talking down to a pony that was one wrong question away from sending the Guards after me.

“Oh, I’m-Yes, of course!” he stuttered out.

It worked?

I mean, of course it worked. That was the plan all along, to intimidate him into not questioning me. Now I just had to get the layers of death off me.

“Anytime you feel like going…” I deliberately trailed off.

Spectacles looked back to his young assistant and they exchanged a nod before they escorted me into the lab beyond. If it weren’t for the fact that they were walking behind me, one on each side and a good distance away, I would never have known I was covered in mystery death sauce. I could already see myself walking out of the hallway, toward that elevator thing, faking surprise at the screams and panicked looks of passers-by. I did genuinely wonder how that Shining fellow would have reacted if I didn’t get decontaminated.

Would he recognize me? Would he try to arrest me? Or would he tell one of the Guards to tackle me so he wouldn’t have to get his hooves dirty?

“Ah, here they are. They’ll escort you to the Decom Chamber.”

The voice of the bespectacled scientist brought an end to my meditation. And I was just getting to the part where I would act ignorant and shake like a dog. There’s nothing like imagining the life-altering panic of the idiots behind the sealed door. The rusted-shiny door to the elevator. I wasn’t sure if I could call the things back in the morgue idiots, even if they didn’t recognize a superior force when they saw one.

Who are They?

A couple of ponies in yellow hazmat suits appeared in front of me. And next to me. In the time that it took me to take a quick look around, and see the scientists staring at me from behind the plastic screens on their suits, they were already getting their shiny, latex-y hooves all over me. I got dragged off before I could politely tell them that no, I wasn’t going to resist going wherever they needed me to go. At least they had the decency to pick me up and carry me instead of dragging me along the floor. Spectacles shouted something from behind.

“I’m terribly sorry, this is for your protection and ours!”

Right. Wouldn’t want me to smudge the tiles now, would you?

The joke was on them. The HEV was heavy. I could hear them groaning and moaning underneath me. The scientist working at the desks nearby looked at me with awe and trepidation and being hoisted up on the shoulders of ponies in matching outfits made the whole trip even more enjoyable. I gave them a slow glance, fitting of the moment.

Yes. Bow down to your king! Flee in- SMACK

The low doorway came out of nowhere. The solidified goo took the brunt of the impact, but I still felt like resting my hoof on the bruise. It was purely cosmetic, just to show the peons below what they’d done.

That’s gonna leave a mark.

I took the hoof away when it was time to leave my impromptu carrying service. They put me down in the middle of a round room with nozzles on all sides. The way they were all pointed at me was mesmerizing. All those rounded points, converging on me like a Bizzaro dandelion.

What was that?

Something fell on the floor behind me. I turned and saw parts of Hazmat suits being thrown in, with one of my servants still taking off his boots. He saw me looking at him and gave me the strangest smile before quickly pulling his boots off and throwing them to the ground with the rest of his suit. So here I was, in the decontamination room, with a whole bunch of dirty hazard suits to boot.

What is this, a giant washroom?

I looked down and saw the grates of the drainage system. It was a giant washroom, and the good ponies of the secret mountain lab didn’t even have the common decency to separate the plastic from the biodegradables - Me!

The bit-pinchers.

But at least they had a decontamination room. We just used whatever was in the janitor’s closet when somepony got into the acid cabinet. Probably shouldn’t have left it open like that on guided tour days.

How cool would it be if the HEV shrunk from the washing? Then I’d have to wear it forever!

A strange screeching noise started, followed by bursts of mist through the nuzzles. The sound of water rushing through pipes became louder and louder and I braced myself for the welcoming warmth of a good shower. I hadn’t had one in ages.

Come on, stop teasing and get this thing off me!

The water burst into the room from all sides in a perfectly calculated spray that filled every space in the room, but left enough air to breathe. Now, you might be wondering why I’m mentioning the breathing part. Well, that was the only thing I could do; rapidly. The water was liquid ice.

Mass and inertia are the same thing. A medium-sized cumulus cloud weighs about the same as 80 elephants. More germs are transferred during brohoofing than kissing...

By the time the ice spray stopped, I’d gone through enough facts to redo high school. One rapid broom-scrubbing and second dose of hypothermia later, and I was out of decontamination.

“Dr. Neigh, I thought we’d lost you!”

It took me a second to realize Spectacles was talking to me.

Neigh, Neigh, Neigh… he doesn’t mean old Shakes-a-Lot, does he?

I had to say something before he’d grow suspicious, so I repeated what the old coot always said, “Yes. Yes. Nothing to worry about.”

We never did figure out what made him shake like that. Every lecture, he would stroll in, shaking like a leaf on water, and would start cutting chemistry into the board with his chalk. Talked a lot about tropane alkaloids. Then his eyes would start to bulge and he’d go to the washroom to clear his head and come back a little more energetic than when he’d first walked in. Why Spectacles over here thought I was him, I had no idea.

Beats getting arrested.

“The plant’s been under code Moon for three days now. We’re lucky to have you here so soon; the generator’s been all over the place-” He saw me looking at him with all the understanding of a farm pony in a math class. “I’m so sorry, dr. Neigh, that was inconsiderate.”

You’re damn right it was! That poor farm pony. Haha!

The least he could do was explain why I was here in the first place. All this talk of codes and generators only served to confuse me. But he wasn’t finished. He extended a hoof.

“I’m dr. Cleaner, and I’m so happy to finally meet you! I’ve read all your works on Resonance Cascades and they’re…” He stopped again, and smiled meekly. “You’ve just gone through a horrible ordeal, and here I am wasting your time. Would you like to see the project? The one that succeeded?”

Before I could start yelling at him for being rude a yellow mare came by, hovering a tray of cookies and coffee in front of her. She had a loosely fitting lab coat on, and the kind of smile that would bring a debate over the existence of gravity particles to a stop.

Wonder why they took her in. Must be her brilliant… She fluttered her eyelashes and made a swipe with her fiery tail as she offered me the tray. Mind.

I’d seen some pretty mares in my day, but those cyan eyes were like an ocean inviting me for a swim. Or some other activity. Either way, I have to say she had a great taste in stallions. If I would be a mare I’d pick me as well.

I took a cup of coffee from the tray, my new friends opting for cookies, and she strutted away, leaving behind two panting scientists and a genius who developed a sudden regret about the snugness of his HEV suit. It didn’t help that she swung her hips to make the lab coat sway and press against her flank with every step. As every pair of eyes in the lab trailed her, Spectacles turned back to me.

“So, the project. Would you like to see it?”

“I’d love to see her. It. I’d love to see it.”

He started walking through the lab and I followed suit, wishing for once I’d have a split personality so I’d be able to focus on what was really important while still listening to whatever the bore had to say. Mental illnesses work that way, right? You get some drawbacks and some positives to balance it out. Kind of has to given Celestia’s conviction on harmony and all.

“Now, sadly, you’ve seen firsthoof the little problems we’ve had with…”

She acts all seductive and powerful, but there’s no resisting The Mane.

“…splicing yielded some unstable…”

I bet she came over with the cookies just to get my attention.

“…of course the night guards were just as useless as…”

The cookies. I should’ve known! Nopony just bring a tray of cookies out of nowhere. And the coffee!

“…were kept on a need-to-know basis, you see…”

I took one sip of the coffee and spat it out.

What’s this made of, misery? Eh. The coffee cup went onto a nearby table and I glanced back at Red, only to see she was playing hide-and-seek. Don’t worry, I forgive you. You’ll practice your coffee-making on our honeymoon.

“How did you get the key for the specimen vault anyway?”

I wasn’t the only one who had stopped. And now Spectacles was looking at me, expecting an answer. At least he’d asked me a question about something I had already done instead of asking me what comes next. Still, I couldn’t very well say I’d gone rummaging through the offices in the hopes of finding valuables. I needed an escape goat.

“Shining Armor gave it to me.”

Spectacles furrowed his brow.

“But that’s impossible! That’s a serious breach of-”

“I don’t know and I don’t care.”

Letting the truth out can feel so rewarding. Like dancing in a field of flowers with a yellow unicorn and a tray of cookies. Canterlot exploding in the background. I could practically taste them. The cookies, not the explosions. I’m not Michael Hay.

“So, the project?” I quickly asked before he could start digging deeper.

“Well, as I was saying,” he started, before correcting his glasses, “We’ve managed to create a single adequate specimen.”

With that strange bit of information, he walked on to a darkened window with a hefty aura of magic in front of it, and stopped. The moment I stepped to his side, the room behind the window lit up.

How do you guys do-

“AH!”

I took a cautious step back – that’s all it was, honest. Behind the window was a scaled up version of the black mosquito mutants that had hunted me in the morgue. Spectacles chuckled.

“Don’t worry, she can’t see you.”

SHE?!

He tapped on the window and proudly said, “One-way mirror.”

Okay. But it’s bright in here. Is that what the magic is for? To make it invisible?

There was only one way to find out more without making a fool of myself. I tapped on the window as well.

“Nice force field.”

“Thank you!” He looked at it as if he’d made it himself. “Keeps us out of sight-”

Oh, good.

“-and her fangs out of our throats.”

I couldn’t believe he smiled at that. And then he looked at me like I was supposed to be in on the joke.

“Heh, yeah. Fangs.”

Forget what; WHY is this?

“Now, as I said, this is the only proper specimen of a Changeling to have survived so far.”

So now I know. I killed a Changeling. Whatever that is.

“The rest had either genetic defects that rendered them short-lived, or were deemed too small to survive.”

I killed a member of an entirely new species.

“Either way, we moved them to the vault for archiving or destruction. Depending on what those above wanted done with them.”

First in my class. First to leave work. First to kill a new kind of animal. Can I ever stop being amazing?

At least I hoped they classified it as an animal. It would complicate things if they didn’t. Sure, I killed it in self-defense, and I’d kill anypony in self-defense if I had to, but it still felt nicer to think I’d squashed a bug and not some engineered proto-pony. The only thing I could be certain of, was that Canterlot didn’t exactly want anypony knowing about them, not to mention the whole box-em-up and forget about ‘em strategy they had going on with the failed ones.

How high does this thing go? Is somepony going to give Tia a message saying I killed her new pet? Why would she even want pets like this in the first place?

I had so much whoa swimming in my head I almost missed what the sciencepony said next. Good thing I didn’t though, because he said something so familiar, so ingrained into the scientific community as a whole, that I knew immediately what was coming next.

“Unfortunately-”

“Unfortunately,” I automatically continued in his place, “You miscalculated the probability of those things surviving and now you have an infestation on your hooves.”

He blinked and stared at me, completely taken aback by my incredible display of basic deduction.

“How-how did you know? We didn’t mention the details in the request.”

If I had a bit for every time that’s happened in my lab, I’d own the place.

It was true. That’s why every week, instead of having Casual Friday, we had Surprise Monday. You never really knew what was in the meat they served you, only that you had damn well do a good job of monitoring the symptoms, so the lab can do a study on it to pay off the extermination and the downtime.

“So, what’s the damage?”

“Well, they’ve taken over the vault, as you – ehm – as you’ve seen.”

Yes-HEY! They know about that! Something clicked in place and I suddenly knew why they were expecting Dr. Neigh. Of course they do.

I wasn’t here for the inspection – that news never made it down due to containment protocols. And it was good it didn’t. Unlike the Guards above, the ponies here actually had a faint idea of what they were doing. As soon as the Guards would have sent somepony down to verify my story, I’d be dead. And now I knew why they were so eager to see me and tell me all about the successful part of the project.

This isn’t a social visit. It’s a Hazup.

The fact we’d made an abbreviation for the Hazardous Waste Cleanup procedure should probably have told me more about the state of our lab than I was willing to accept, but I didn’t have time for that, since Spectacles kept talking.

“Luckily we kept the Queen separately.”

“The Queen?”

Latifah?

He was more stunned by my question than I had been by his answer.

“Yes. You know, the Adaptive Body Double. For the princesses.”

Those tall freaks have more enemies than I thought. That’s good.

“Of course.”

I gave the one-way mirror a thousand yard stare to give the appearance that I knew what he was talking about. The reality was I was torn between the good nature of the news that I wasn’t the only one in Equestria that wanted to see a few heads mounted on pikes, and a strange feeling I now felt for the caged abomination. I think they call it compassion.

Being trapped like that must feel pretty bad. Looking like that is worse. Knowing you’ll have to transform into one of them… That’s an entirely new world of horror, right there.

“Ah, good.”

The nervous chuckle that brought me out of my state of compassion told me he wasn’t buying it. A quick glance around revealed more lab coats looking at me with an even higher dose of doubt than when I first wandered in.

Wow, so it’s either you guys or the Changelings, huh? Someone just has to win the staring contest.

It was then that it dawned on me. I was in a sealed vault inside a top secret Canterlot lab with a couple hundred security ponies and Royal Guards above my head. The scienceponies were getting close to making a citizen’s arrest and the real Dr. Neigh was bound to come through the portal sooner or later. In other words, I was going to get caught and there was only one thing I could do if I wanted to have a shimmer of hope for reasoning with the Fun Police. Something so outstanding, they’d have to let me go.

I gave Spectacles the most determined look I could muster and prepared a quiet, deep voice. I was even missing bubblegum.

“So, I guess you want your vault back?”

Episode Six: Strange Surroundings

“Look, I said I was sorry!”

The ponies looking down at me didn’t seem to understand the significance of the moment. I didn’t often say I was sorry, and I didn’t often mean it even when I said it, so I had every right to feel pretty ripped-off about the lack of appreciation. The one thing that gave pause to that idea was the circle of anger that had closed in around me.

“Why would you do that?!” Spectacles could get very loud if he got angry. I could see his veins swelling up. “Releasing the Queen – what in Equestria possessed you to do that?!”

Everypony did a great job imitating his scornful look and I could kind of see why - sucking up to the boss is the best way to advance if you don't have any actual skills. Of course there was the other small issue, that they were all more or less in the same position; trapped in a lavatory with a lake-full of magic holding the door shut against the outside world of the secret underground laboratory. Some of them were luckier than others, though – they had bandages.

And to think that everything was going so well.

20 minutes earlier

“Are you sure you’ll be able to fend them off by yourself?” Spectacles asked, completely oblivious to the fact that I had done just that not that long ago.

“Don’t you worry your senile head, gramps. I’ve got this!”

Between the HEV, the immobilization spell that I got from double-checking their special containment protocols and the array of batons they’d given me to fend off any Changeling lucky enough to bypass everything from before, I was feeling more than confident in getting the vault back.

“Well,” he sighed, “We do have an emergency potion cache in case you change your mind.”

Potions?

“What potions?”

The space of time from when I asked that question to when I was staring at a suspiciously familiar crate went by in a blur of motion. I wish all my travels were like that. It would save me a lot of energy from all the hateful staring I wouldn't have to do.

“…DUNGEON!” Huh, even that’s the same.

“Canterlot can never seem to get enough of these!” Spectacles cried out. I guess he wanted my sympathy for his plight of having to play around with exotic chemicals all day long. “It’s not as if we don’t have enough work on our hooves with the Project, they want a crate-full of these every month.”

Potions that can make you fly or turn invisible. Can’t imagine why they’d want ‘em.

He zapped open the crate, only instead of hundreds of potions, there were only a few bottles in there. It wasn’t even the full color combo! I instantly knew what was going on, so I knowingly squinted at Spectacles who was doing his best to appear blissfully ignorant about the whole thing. Couldn’t help feeling a tinge of pride for the old coot, no matter how hard I tried to resist it.

You’re drinking these things by the gallon, aren’t you? Either that or you’re selling them.

It was difficult to tell. His glasses didn’t look expensive enough for somepony working the black market, but then it doesn’t take a lot to trick somepony into paying a fortune for something dirt cheap, especially if they’re not used to it. Just slap on a fancy label, call it a “Designer” item, or whatever they’re naming them these days, and you’ll sell a pebble to a rock farmer.

“And that’s only if somepony doesn’t mislabel it to regular mail!”

He wasn’t done yet, and the way he called somepony out meant it was someone close by. I glanced to the side to see who would shrink, only it was difficult to see who the culprit was when everypony looked away at the same time. Funny how coworkers’ lab coats and random ceiling fixtures suddenly become so interesting, isn’t it?

That’s embarrassing. How can I figure out which one of you is the weakest link if you’re all the weakest link?

“And then you have to make a whole new batch,” Spectacles was getting really angry, “And send that to Canterlot before somepony tracks the first one to Farmville or what’s-that-place!”

Haha, Farmville. They sent a crate to- I stopped snickering in an instant. He doesn’t mean...

Ponyville flashed back in a hurry, and it wasn’t long before I wanted to seek out the dimwit who’d mislabeled the crate so I could thank them for the whole ordeal. After all, if they hadn’t sent the crate to Ponyville, I wouldn’t have been tempted to steal it! That said, I wasn't really sure if I should be angry at them or applauding them. Being an outlaw had its ups and down, but it beat walking down the same dull hallways every day. Now there were new dull hallways to discover, at least until I was topside again. And the crate did enable me to create Lunestia. What a brief, beautiful spark that was.

If you’d only know what you have helped to create. I felt a lonely tear in the corner of my eye. I salute you!

“But that-ugh…” Spectacles suddenly went quiet. “Dr. Neigh, what are you doing?”

I quickly put my hoof down.

Oh.

“I’m just…” Sinking into the ground was what I was doing, but I couldn’t exactly say that. “Haven’t you heard of patriotism?!”

He backtracked after that. He wasn’t a soldier – not by a long shot – but something about working on top secret projects always makes a scientist feel like he is. Tap into that alter-ego and you can do anything. I know how it was in my lab. Work on magically enhancing the steel blades of plows, so that Earth ponies can feel important for making the crops grow, and you’re a pebble in the collective. Design a paperweight for Canterlot, and everypony pauses in the hallway to let you by. I designed a lot of those things.

Where was I? Oh yeah.

“I’ll take…”

I looked over the potions, or what was left of them, and tried to figure out what they were. The purple one was familiar, but what good is a flight potion when you’re so deep down a mountain that Mole Ponies become statistically probable? Apart from that, there were only a few dark blue, neon green and some red ones remaining. Invisibility was missing and I knew it would look suspicious if I just started taking everything, so I had to choose. Only this time, I didn’t have a black-dressed pretend-mobster showing me a blue and a red pill and spewing nonsense about rabbit-holes to distract me. I just wanted some oxycontin!

Those look suspiciously like Luna, that’s not encouraging. I’m not going to a rave. Ahh, the red one. Fire, danger, excitement. Lust. It has my name written all over it!

It didn’t really, but that’s nothing a sharp knife and some precision manipulation can’t fix. I grabbed one of the bottles.

Changeling soup. That’s what’s for dinner! This is gonna be so awesome…

“But, doctor Neigh, that’s-” Spectacles tried being a killjoy, as usual.

“My decision?” I don’t like having my Power-Pony fantasies ruined. “You’re damn right it is!”

“But are you-”

“Yes, I’m sure! Now why don’t we go get this over with so I can see the light of day in this century?!”

The light of day… Funny how we take that for granted, isn’t it? It’s only after you get trapped in an underground laboratory that you start to realize how much you miss it when it’s gone. Kind of like the last slice of pizza in the box. Or charcoal.

“Well, okay, if that’s- if that’s what you wish,” he meekly ended his resistance.

I reaffirmed my decision with a firm nod. The red potion went into the HEV’s saddlebags and the crate was re-sealed a moment later. I felt kind of bad for not taking the neon-green one as well. Sure, I wasn’t planning on a rave at that exact time, but you never know what waits for you down the road.

“I suppose you don’t need me to brief you on their weak points, the way you handled yourself in the vault?”

He looked at me and I could see a spark of resentment in his eyes. Some things stay the same no matter what lab you’re in. I had to fight it.

“No, I think I’d love to hear more about your wonderful creations.”

As long as he kept talking about what he did and didn't ask any questions about what I did, everything was fine. The HEV infused my magic with witchcraft to the point that it could make Changeling confetti, I knew that, and I had also demonstrated that a Changeling corpse couldn’t support the weight of a steel containment door. That said, I really did want to know more about them. Specifically, can they be trained? And does it work on good looks alone, or would I have to take a sip from the unending well of my superior intellect?

Wouldn’t hurt to know where their skull is softest too, just in case.

We reached the familiar glowing glass of their only proper specimen, and you have to take a few steps back to look at the whole picture again when the only successful specimen they’ve been able to make has to be kept behind magically-protected glass so it doesn’t rip somepony’s head off. And then you remember it was designed for protection.

I’d love to be on the receiving end of an offensive Changeling, if these dolts ever made one. It would hug me and ask for tummy rubs. That thing would kill you with diabetes.

“The perfect enemy…” I murmured under my breath.

“Well, she’s not all that bad,” Spectacles thought I was talking about the Queen. “A tad aggressive, yes, but once we sort that out…”

I let him trail off. As in, I watched him do it, and I deliberately held off saying anything that would either change the subject or tell him that the abomination in front of us was anything but a total and complete failure.

You’re responsible for it. Deal with the consequences.

Technically, I was the one who was going to deal with them, with all the Changelings now roaming wild in the vault, but the awkwardness of that moment was all his. It’s the little things in life that – no, I can’t say that with a straight face. Go big or go home! Yes, that’s more like it.

“SO, yes,” That startled me back into listening to him. “The chitin is at its thickest on the skull and the chest plate. The hooves are ten times stronger than our own, and the holes in the legs actually enhance their structural rigidity by compressing the load carrying parts into much denser areas that are perfectly distributed along the leg.”

That’s not a body double. It’s the Harbinger of Doom.

“The horn serves a triple purpose: Firstly, to allow the Changeling to transform into a princess, or, err, somepony else.” I didn’t like how he contemplated that as if it was the first time he’d realized it. “Secondly, to defend itself against aggressors, should the need arise and finally, to charge its energy via emotional discharge of volunteers.”

What in the hay is emotional discharge? Tears?

I could already see it feeding on the tears of those who saw it. From that perspective, it really was a great design - no way that thing would ever run out of food! Keeping everypony around it hydrated, that would be an issue, but I could see how that wasn't any of the lab's concern. It would be like asking weapons manufacturers to ensure an unending supply of spearheads for the Royal Guards to scratch their plots with. That's the job of logistics. Now there was just one thing sticking out. Two, actually.

“So, what are the fangs for?”

“The fangs?” He stroked his chin. Never a good sign. “Oh, we thought they’d look nice.”

I… can’t argue with that, actually.

He guiltily added, “I guess they really don’t need them since they feed off love anyway.”

Love? But this isn't marriage coun-Oh.

Somepony hit the pause button on my thought drive. It was time to recap.

“So, let me get this straight.” I was struggling to wrap my head around it. “They’re stronger than us, they can transform into us and they feed off our love?”

I didn’t want to imagine what the outcome of my first meeting with them would have been like had I not been wearing the HEV. Incidentally, something told me neither Spectacles not any other sciencepony here knew what the HEV did to my magic back there, but that same something also told me to keep my mouth shut if I wanted to keep it.

“Yes.”

For an Adaptive Body Double or whatever they called it? Where’s the logic in that?

The part about the strength and the implanted transformation spell, I understood. Of course the body double couldn’t just explode if it got hit by a bolt of magic or a well-aimed arrow; that would make the assassins know they’d hit a fake. But the whole feeding-with-love thing? That was a step too far.

Haven’t they heard of protein shakes?

The obvious design flaw left me wondering.

“So, when was the last time you loved it?”

That was even stranger to say than it sounded. The last thing I needed was to go up against enemies that were angry and hungry. Spectacles just looked at me like I’d asked him when he’d last had sexy-times with the thing.

I bet you would if you could. I can see it in your eyes.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you said they feed off our love, right?” He nodded. “So, when was the last time you let it have some of your love, or did you just make it and leave it to starve?”

“Oh, no!” He actually laughed. “She doesn’t feed on our love for her; she feeds on our love for our fellow ponies!”

I blinked.

“Unfortunately, they don’t spend as much energy as ponies do, so we can’t just leave them to starve out, but there is another way to defeat them.”

Harness the power of the HEV and blow them to bits?

“Just like you can eat some hay, but you’ll get crushed under a bale,” an annoying, secretive smile formed on his aging face, “So too can they be crushed by a repulsion shield enhanced with your own love.”

I know what I’m going with.

“Okay, thanks for that!” I gave him a pat on the shoulder to underscore my intention of ignoring that advice, “Let’s get to it!”

“Alright, then!” he happily nodded in response and turned to lead me to the exit.

I wanted to let out an exasperated sigh when I took the first step behind him, but I could only do it halfway. There’s something to be said about a warm hoof gently grazing your shoulder blade. Somepony didn’t want me to go.

“Say,…”

The yellow, fiery-maned mare was standing to my side and I was diving in the oceans of her eyes before I had a chance to put on a snorkel. From then on, all I could see were her lips moving and shifting like they were made of chewing gum, and her head gently swaying as if she was dancing to the sound of her own voice.

Is she talking?

I don’t know how angry I would be if I found out that the pony I was talking to wasn’t listening, only that I would probably have to add a new name to my list. And maybe it was for the best that I didn’t know the feeling, seeing as I’d just missed what Miss Chewy Lips was telling me. Not that the list of options was long, given how she was nudging toward me.

“Of course I do!”

I don’t think I’ve ever come to a decision that fast, short of when a salespony asked me if I wanted to buy a magnifying glass and pointed out there was an anthill nearby. She didn’t seem to understand.

“You… do?” she asked quizzically. I was about to reassure her of my decision, when she added, “You mean, ‘you are?’”

Okay, maybe she wasn’t asking me if I wanna go on a date. A list of alternatives that included the words ‘you are’ scrolled past my eyes. If I’m going to be her coltfriend? Of course, that makes so much more sense! She must've counted that coffee as the date.

I quickly corrected myself and the smile that followed was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. She still seemed a bit puzzled by my instant willingness to allow her to become a part of my life, but then who wouldn’t be? I am well and truly amazing!

“Well, great,” she stammered, “So, uhm…”

It wasn’t until she started pointing a hoof at the enchanted glass that I suddenly felt I’d misinterpreted something.

“If you wouldn’t mind…”

She came even closer to me and everything around me went blurry. Those beautiful cyan eyes covered my whole field of vision, and again I couldn’t think of anything else, only this time I actually saw the sparks in her eyes as she stared into my soul. I’d never heard of love-sparks being green, but there are worse things science can't answer, like what happened to all the horses in Equestria? We still use them in our sayings and there are fossils aplenty but the way they're singed doesn't correspond to any natural phenomenon short of being steamrolled by the sun. Eh, who cares. What matters is that the mare leaned in all the way and whispered her deepest desires into my ear.

That’s kinky.

I didn’t understand why she wanted me to do that, but if giving her a minute with the Queen would give me a minute with her, I didn’t really have much to think about. There was only one problem.

How do I disable the field?

I hate myself for asking that out loud a moment later with probably the same doe-eyed expression on my face. In contrast, her face dropped like she’d just hear me oust myself for the doppelganger that I was.

She practically hissed at me, “What do you mean?!”

I scratched my head and tried to form words. She beat me to it by pointing at the wall and hissing.

“You have the suit, just stick your horn in there!”

Between the quiet, angry hissing and the choice of words, I can’t say my mind didn’t start to wander. The instant slap brought me back quickly.

“That’s what they did last time!”

Now that I actually looked at where she was pointing, there really was a small panel in the wall next to the glass. She levitated it open, revealing a horn-sized hole in the wall.

Oh, that. I shrugged. Time to impress!

“Dr. Neigh, are you-”

The distant voice came and stopped just as I stuck my horn into the hole. The mixture of shouts came a split-second later, only they felt more like a disturbance in a dream as I was already feeling the best fizzy sensation that I’d ever felt in my horn. It traveled down my spine and I could actually feel it exiting into the suit. A tenth of a second later it came back from the HEV, reversed the path to the horn before dissipating out to the lock and I suddenly needed a cigarette.

That was so good it should be illegal.

The brief moment when everything went quiet I realized it probably was. The confirmation of that came with the sudden calamity of ponies shouting over each other even louder then before and the sound of hooves crashing against the floor all throughout the lab. It made hearing distinct words difficult.

“BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

That, I heard.

I slowly started craning my head right to confirm my suspicion, when a bright green flash sent me flying. The landing probably wasn’t as soft as I’d have wanted it to be.

Vanilla corn starch flavored pudding…

Nothing is sadder than realizing the picture perfect scene in front of you is nothing more than a dream. That depressing moment when black dots start tearing the whole thing apart and you become conscious of your body again.

Don’t go! We have so much in common!

The warmth of a snug embrace slowly replaced the vision in my mind. Sure, I didn't see it anymore, but it didn’t hurt to stay cozy just a while longer. I forced my eyes tighter together to recapture the magic.

I knew you’d come back.

On some level I knew I knew it was all a dream, and it just didn't matter, right up until there was pudding everywhere and I felt it wrap right around me. There's no escaping survival instincts. My eyes popped open like a Jack-in-the-box. Everything around me was green and the lab was upside-down.

What is this?

Green slime was keeping me pinned to the wall.

Don’t tell me.

Some discoveries are better than others. One day, you find that your dirty dishes have perfectly round clean spots on them, which indicates that something is responsible for destroying the filth, but you choose to ignore that because you have unicorn doctors two minutes away. On others you learn that your fall was cushioned by a wall and now you're stuck to it in something that can be best described as a giant bugger. I liked how some of the batons I’d been given were stuck to the wall of whatever I was in, but that was about as good as it got.

This day keeps going from bad to worse. Why is stealing from a secret Canterlot bit pit so hard?

I hated myself when I got all self-pity-like, but sometimes life just isn’t fair. Someponies got to wake up in the morning and trouble their pretty, groomed heads over what desert to get at lunch while their help is still making them breakfast. Was it polite to have the soufflé if you’d had it two days ago or would it show everypony that you’re an unimaginative meatbag that didn’t want to go to the prom with me just because of that whole chlorine incident, huh Crust?

Crust.

The name brought forth images of her dancing with Jet Set before he exploded into black snowflakes. The distant sound of a certain door screeching open might have had something to do with that illusion. That reminded me I had supercharged magic to play with.

Of course.

There was a brief moment when I wanted to wonder why they had made three sets of massive doors with varying levels of screeching and thuds when it came to opening them instead of sticking with a single design. Then I remembered I was dealing with a Canterlot facility, which by default made any reasoning obsolete. It was time to leave. I summoned my magic and prepared to shove the slime off me. The smell of death’s bowel movement burned through my nose the moment the oversized flash started burning my retinas. That HEV suit was worth its weight in gold. Even carried the fall and everything.

Couldn't have done that when I went flying into the wall, could you? Never mind. EXIT, stage left. Or is it right?

The lab had become noticeably darker since I’d gotten glued to the wall, and all the light gems that I’d just taken out with the blast were only part of the reason. Everything was just slightly more… charred. And broken. The new ornaments didn’t help with the ambiance.

Cocooned ponies. I prefer pickled Changelings.

Something told me I had to get the ponies out if I had any hope of being recognized as a hero, but I wasn’t entirely sure that blasting the cocoons wouldn’t blast the tenants along with them. Not to mention that it did make for an unrivaled opportunity; a case study of pony metamorphosis! All it would take for me to be a Dr. Dr. Freemane was to wait out the self-digestion process that caterpillars go through and wait for the cocoons to open up. I took a step closer and looked at the pony inside.

What’s the end result here gonna be anyway? The world’s ugliest butterfly? A moth-pony? No, no… I stifled a laugh. An alicorn.

I’ve never felt my mood shift as fast as then.

An alicorn. Of course. Those small Changelings weren’t failed experiments, not all of them. They were just pre-cocoon alicorns. The Queen does have wings and a horn!

I don’t know who was looking at whom with the more terrified expression on his face, me the trapped pony, or him at me. He probably thought I was seeing him dissolve or something, but what I was really seeing was something far more spectacular: The very fabric of our deeply flawed society was dissolving before my very eyes. And I'd taken myself out of an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!

Is this… Is this really how alicorns are made?

I though back to all those history lessons I’d skipped and quietly swore for having skipped them. One thing was for sure, though. I’d never heard anypony say they’d given birth to an alicorn. It was always a Pegasus, or an Earth pony, or One Of Us, never an alicorn. I pressed my hoof at the transparent wall of the cocoon.

“I need to be inside you.”

The pony’s eyes widened like I’d said that to him. The nerve.

Now, where’s the experiment?

A quick look around confirmed the lack of the only creature that could help me with that. The screaming had died down too, which left me with one option. I looked back at the stallion.

“Okay, you’re going to have to make room for me.”

I’m still not sure if he heard me or not, but I do know that he closed his eyes and cringed as I started charging my magic.

Care-e-ful. Just a spark.

The cocoon burst with a pop and its inhabitant flopped down to the ground.

“Thank you! Oh-”

“No!”

The cocoon was bust. What little was left of it was smeared on the wall where it was attached, much like with mine. The rest was gracing the floor, again much like mine. But you know how they say: If you want to make an omelet, you have to break a few eggs. And there were more eggs to be broken before I gave up and ordered a pizza, which in my case meant hunting down the Queen and poking her with a stick. Or throwing a baton at her head, I wasn’t decided yet.

Take #2. Okay, take #3. #4?...

Not one cocoon would cooperate. At every single one I tried to drop my power level down enough to slice it open without detonating it, but what can I say? There are ponies who can temper their power, and there are those of us who can’t. I’m sure the HEV was just a catalyst. The end result was the same either way. A whole bunch of gasping, shivering ponies and not one alicorn-maker left running.

This isn’t fair.

“I can’t thank you enough,” a lab assistant next to me started, and I was ready to ignore him, like I did with the others, but I’m glad I didn’t. “They would have drained us like batteries if you hadn’t saved us.”

Drained you?

“That’s a strange way to make an alicorn.”

“Alicorn? How would-” he stammered before a familiar voice cut him off.

“Do you have any idea what you’ve done?!” Spectacles wasn’t happy about all the goo in his fur.

“Yes,” I wasn’t going to take it from him, not now, “I’ve just saved your sorry flanks from being useful!”

I got a strange feeling I was about to get a hoof to the face when the booming laughter started coming from the corridor to the Vault. That stopped that silly idea. And that’s the great thing with villains – they have to announce themselves. They also can’t let a grudge slide, which was the more pressing matter, but at least I knew they were coming back for us. Judging by how quickly Spectacles reinstated himself as the leader, I’m guessing he knew that as well.

“Come on, we have to hide!”

He threw a door open from afar and the group of scared scienceponies ran in right behind him like the obedient sheep that they were.

“Go ahead, run! Run and hide-”

I was in the middle of yelling when the corridor outside the lab suddenly went dark, and the only thing I could see were tiny spots of light shifting around where there used to be light from the gemstones before. The buzzing came next.

“AND HOLD THE DOOR!”

Now

It took a while for the banging to die down. There were times I thought the creeps would break down the door, and I don’t think I was alone in that. The way it actually bent in under the pressure before bouncing back into shape would make anypony nervous. Then the banging stopped, the door gave up on defying reality and the wall of buzzing dimmed away. Not before a few select word from the Queen, of course. The ending was nice, though.

“I’LL FIND YOU! I’LL FIND YOU AND I’LL END YOU!”

What followed was the most unnerving silence I’d heard in a while. Or didn’t hear, I don’t know. I'm not entirely sure what the semantics are in this case. Much like nopony was sure why the Changelings had left. An educated guess would be that they must have gotten tired of trying to exact revenge for having been made into existence, but try telling that to the scientists. Speaking of them, now that the way was clear nopony was in a hurry to open the door. The cowards.

“Should we…” one of the unicorns holding the door shut asked in a voice that couldn’t have been more timid even if he had tried.

Spectacles had the answer ready: “No, no. It could be a trap.”

Typical. Now all you have to do is find somepony who’ll go out to investigate since you’re too scared to do it. Oh, how I wonder who that’ll be?!

“Petri, why don’t you-”

“Yes, yes, I know. I’m going out. No problem!”

My sarcasm lessons were paying off, since they all looked at me with just slightly angrier faces than before, which was an achievement in itself.

“What?!”

Spectacles looked ready to explode.

“Obviously I’m the one who’s going out. Who else has an HEV on him?!”

“No!” He was really holding back now. “You’ve done quite enough!”

I wish I was a psychiatrist. Bipolar disorder, epic projection, rampant narcissism – it’s all there.

The only reason I kept my mouth shut was that there were an awful lot of angry ponies watching his back and being trapped in a lavatory like this brought back painful memories. Those toilets were just begging for a pony’s head, just like in high school. Of course I was part of the cool colts, obviously! And then we played hoofball and… stuff. Doesn’t matter now, that was a long time ago and we’ve all grown since then, right?!

“Stay there and don’t even think about coming after us!”

They huddled together after that. It was a scene straight out of a hoofball match, except the ponies here couldn’t lift their breakfast to their mouths without magic if their lives depended on it, and that I could hear almost everything thanks to the small confines of the lavatory. Almost missed the shadow hanging over me.

What are you supposed to be?

A distinctly janitor-like pony was standing next to me. He wasn’t in the pods I blasted.

“So, you’ve been hiding here all along, huh?”

He ignored me. Well, he was holding his broom like it was a parade spear, so he wasn’t completely ignoring me, he just didn’t seem all that interested in answering. The brilliant escape plan was taking shame in the meantime. The word 'portal' got thrown around a lot, and there was even some noise about the Changelings being trapped on this level since nopony would take them topside. But that banked on the brave Royal Guards doing their part and sealing the level once the alarm sounded.

The Changelings are already outside aren’t they? I bet Shining is serving them homebrewed coffee in the dining hall and asking if everyone has enough sugar.

I had never felt so relax while being trapped in an underground lavatory with monsters running around. The only thing separating me from seeing the light of day was a few minutes of waiting patiently for the scientists to leave and going out after the Changelings had eaten their complimentary cupcakes. The issue was timing.

Too soon, and the Changelings will still be picking their teeth. Too late and Dr. Neigh comes in through the portal with his team of exterminators and then I have more explaining to do than Candle Blower at a funeral. Where does the portal lead to anyway? Some top-secret hollowed-out mountain on the opposite side of Equestria?

It had to be somewhere top-secret. It’s not like they would have a portal to someplace as dangerous as this in the middle of Canterlot, right?

“Release the shield,” Spectacles finally declared.

The group moved to the door, shuffled around a bit and the shield went down. Somepony tried to raise an objection but didn’t get a turn to say anything as Spectacles stormed past. The others stomped off as well, with two of the younger scienceponies standing by the door, looking at me like prison guards as the others went through. They followed through once everyone was out and closed the door behind them. And locked them, as if that could stop me. Only one thing stayed the same: The janitor. I needed a threat assessment.

It this my warden? Am I supposed to be scared of a janitor? Is it really Cthulhu?

I looked him over. Apart from the scruffiness and the obligatory messy mane, there was nothing extraordinary about him. The only thing that freaked me out was how chill he was about the whole thing. He just kept his right hoof on the pretend broom-spear and lazily sipped from a cup with his left.

What is that?

He was holding a mug of the strangest tea I’d ever seen. It looked a bit like herbal tea, but it just didn’t flow right. Smelled funny too, but I’d long stopped questioning that. The things Canterlot’s finest will stuff down their throats in the name of fads is mesmerizing. Well, somepony had to be the friendly one while the others were busy running to safety. It’s always good to get on the other’s good side - softens their defenses if you need to resort to cannibalism.

“So, what’s your story?”

He wasn’t playing along. All I got in return was a side glance that told me he couldn’t be bothered while he took another sip.

What did that guidebook say about making small talk with strangers? Anchor, reveal, exchange? Well, I don’t have an anchor, but I do need some bait.

There aren’t many things you can realistically talk to a janitor about without making yourself look a few IQ points short of a pancake, so there was really only one thing to draw him into the conversation.

“What are you drinking?”

“Diesel.”

The brief murmur that was the reply was probably meant to stop further prying, but that only works on interns.

“What’s a diesel?”

“I don’t know. But we do have a whole bunch of it in barrels.”

He took another sip.

“Okay.”

Diesel, huh? Die Serenely and Levitate? No, they’re chemists, it has to be some new made up molecule. Or are they biologists?

All the silence was making me wish for the return of the Queen. And it was strangely silent. No hoofsteps since the others had fled, but also no screaming and wailing. If there was ever a time to escape, it was now.

“Don’t ya go anywhere, ya hear.”

The janitor suddenly remembered my existence. He was lazily squinting at me and drinking his diesel, but I guess my sudden fascination with the door got his attention. No way that’d hold off the HEV if I got a galloping start.

“What, don’t you think I got the message?”

Escape imminent.

“No.” He put the cup down. “Do ya really think they’ll accomplish anythin’ out there?”

“No.”

I didn’t expect to be honest with anypony down here but sometimes the answer is so blindingly obvious you can’t stop it escaping.

“It’s the third time somethin’ like this’s gone down. Better to just sit it out and clean up the mess when Celestia shows up.”

I got the strange feeling he would have said that regardless of what I’d answer, almost like it was premeditated. Here was a pony who was so used to seeing his bosses fail that waiting for rescue in a lavatory was probably in his job description. I started searching for any signs that he was carrying a knife. I mean, how sane can anypony be when they’re expected to clean up after each failed attempt at sciencing?

As long as he doesn’t start reciting that Hearth's Warming Eve play…

I went to that thing once. Can’t remember why or how, but I can remember thanking my hip flask for dulling the pain once I realized the doors were shut. Just try and leave through a sardine-packed theater with the benevolent ruler overseeing everything. And just try doing that before the short one came back from her Moon holidays for the Happy Funtime Family Reunion. Just try, I dare you.

Hold on. Celestia?

I cringed. The last thing I wanted was for Celestia to show up. I didn’t know if the Guards would have recognized me in the HEV, but Celestia probably wouldn’t forget my face. And my tally didn’t look good.

Avoiding arrest – what’s that, a few months? Escape from detention – a year… maybe. That dragon that burned down Ponyville, they’ll find a way to pin that on me, I just know it. Add a few minor thefts, endangerments, conspiracy for grand theft and releasing the Queen... There’s something else. What am I missing?

A few years’ worth of dungeon wasn’t ideal if the only alternative was running into the army of Changelings on their way out. But then it dawned on me; the one thing that changed the calculation entirely: Lunestia.

Yeah, the Changelings are already outside and the way is clear. Or else.

I was about to charge for the door when the whole place shook so hard it would have made my fillings fall out, if I had any.

“What the…”

“There we go,” the janitor stated like his prophecy had just come true.

“There we go, what?!”

“Cavalry’s here; they’ve opened up the portal.” His voice still didn’t change.

“By blowing the mountain to bits?!”

“No. They just made space for the Royal Chariot.”

You’re joking, right? Please tell me you’re joking.

The moment I heard the unmistakable sound of a few dozen horseshoes hitting the smooth floor of the lab and the even less mistakable hollow sound of golden wheels skidding along it I knew he wasn’t joking.

“Like I said, just wait it out.”

I don’t think he noticed my eye twitching. There was no point in running, and nowhere to run to, not with the flood of hoofsteps thrashing past the door. I took it with dignity.

“Do you have a noose?”

“Nope.”

Damn it.

The ceiling started to look more and more like a fine place for target practice. You know how they say, you have to make your own way in life! And sometimes that means testing the HEV for its tunnel boring capabilities. Only the strangest thing happened right before I charged my magic. All that noise, all the horseshoes clopping and the chariot being dragged along and the muffled war cries – it all went past the door.

“Won’t be long now,” the janitor glanced at his nonexistent watch.

I took a few steps to the door when somepony tried to jerk it open. He wasn’t alone.

“Locked!”

“Leave it, then!”

And with that, the last sets of hoofsteps followed the main asinine force. No, I didn’t say that wrong. Now there was only one escape path open if I wanted to avoid the post-cleanup scrutiny of the lab and time was suddenly in short supply. I grabbed the janitor by the scruff of his neck.

“Where’s the portal?!”

“Left, past the break room. Probably a gaping hole in the wall where the door used to be.”

He didn’t even raise an eyebrow at what I was doing or that I didn’t know where the portal was or that I was in such a hurry. But there was no time to play bad cop, meaner cop with him. I was already charging for the door when he actually said something useful without me threatening him.

“You forgot these.”

He was dangling a set of keys on a chain. I didn’t know what to make of it.

“If yer gonna escape, might as well do it right.”

Okay.

Staying hidden was key, but the sweat pouring from me wasn’t helping me turn the actual key any slower. I could hear each and every pin scrape against the teeth before the whole thing was in, and then the lock made sure to grind as loudly as possible as I unlocked it. Or maybe that was just in my head, I don’t know. What I do know is that there were apparently some Royal Guards who didn’t get the memo to join the Changeling Chase and had decided to stick around the lab. They were so disinterested in the whole thing they didn’t even see the door to the lavatory creeping open. Looking back, I wish I hadn’t slammed the door shut like that.

“What was that?”

Damn it!

I spread myself over the door while fumbling with the key that suddenly refused to turn. A faint glow of magic enveloped the edges of the door.

Come on! Come-

SLAM!

“Don’t move, citizen!”

The wall that was stuck to my face was making it difficult to see what was going on, but something told me the Guards hadn’t noticed me at all. Now it all depended on the janitor not mentioning me.

I hate you with-

“’Bout time you showed up. Standard evac?”

“Ugh, yes. Right this way!”

As soon as the magical grip let go of the door, I peeled myself off the wall and peeked around the corner.

So that’s where it is.

With the entirety of the Royal Guards that weren’t out fighting a battle now escorting the janitor to the portal, all I had to do was follow behind and hide until they went back to their posts. Simple.

“First an attempt at robbery, now this. What else can go wrong?”

I wouldn’t ask that question if I were you.

“I know,” the other Guard replied. “They even lost the ringleader. Thornsworth or whatever it was…”

I kind of lost track of the conversation at that point. The giant hole in the wall ahead of the Guards and the janitor was a nice sign that we were going in the right direction. The open rooms nearby were the last piece in my new foolproof plan.

Wait for it.

Strange, watery blue light appeared in the remains of the room ahead.

And…

I charged my horn and moved closer to the wall and its many open doors.

NOW!

You should’ve seen me – it was poetry! I swung back, jumped toward a room to the side and released an overcharged magical blast into the empty hallway outside the lab. By the time the Guards had managed to take a look, I was out of sight.

“MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!”

Didn’t take them long to run past, I’ll give them that. And they were actually running toward the danger! That was a surprise. I was expecting them to surrender and plead for mercy.

This works. I guess.

The portal was as portal-y as you would expect, but why the janitor was sweeping the floor around it I had no idea.

“Shouldn’t you be escaping?”

“Nope.”

Your funeral. Hey, wait a minute. I know what Celestia’s chariot looks like! How did they fit that through here?

After everything I’d gone through in one day, chariot-shrinkage really didn’t matter. I took the time to exhale all the bad mojo away and walked into the portal.

This isn’t so-AAAAAAHHHAHAHAHAAAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

“Huh… Huh…”

I was on the other side. And not like the chicken with the road, but really on the other side. It looked familiar.

I’ve been here before.

Not the exact room I was in maybe, but there was no mistaking the distinct architecture around me. Reminded me of my one and only attempt at forging a Gala ticket. Could’ve made more if I didn’t feel sorry for the ponies who’d buy them. It’s one thing to sell them Griffon Darkness or Human Dust, and something else to make them suffer something the Gala.

This place doesn’t look so bad with Celestia away.

The Guards I could deal with, if there were any nearby to begin with. I’d come through the portal, therefore I have to be on the A-list, and the HEV would probably make them think I’m part of Celestia’s pet project. It was strange realizing I had the whole Canterlot Castle to myself until she got back. The question now wasn’t if there’s anything worth taking as a souvenir, but what was most worth taking.

Golden chandeliers, crystal figurines, gems in golden picture frames… Now where’s the good stuff?

Among all the riches in what was a surprisingly small room, I knew even Celestia wouldn’t have forgotten the golden rule: Keep your friends close, your enemies closer and anything valuable out of everyone’s reach.

There has to be something else here. If I were an unimaginative monarch, where would I hide a treasure?

The hollow sound of the bookshelf put that question to rest.

Really? Now don’t tell me, if I take you out… no, you? You? YOU? Come on!

That last book went flying. Right past a marble bust of everypony’s favorite ruler. I had its head open in two seconds flat. The button inside made a wall panel next to the bookshelf open and the oversized hole for an oversized horn was looking back at me. Made me wonder how many other unicorns had really considered how different they were to Celestia.

That's quite longer than mine, isn’t it? Thicker too… Ah, no matter!

My forehead was grinding up against the wall in no time, but the fizziness wouldn’t come.

COME ON! I guess I’m just too-No! It’s the perfect size; it’s not my fault some ponies are born mutated.

The bust was gaping back at me, laughing at my superior normality, its freakishly long horn obscured from view…

It… It can’t be that simple. Can it?

Between my magic and the HEV, it didn’t take long to plug the heavy marble bust into the hole in the wall. The bookshelf was practically flung open the moment I did that.

“Yes! You see-”

The sound of hoofsteps from the darkness beyond didn’t fill me with confidence. Neither did the voice.

“Well, well, well.”

Celestia came out of the shadows like a horror-story killer, complete with a faint, manic smile and just a tad too slow step in her legs; the kind that told me she could catch me no matter how quickly I ran and was taking her time approaching just because she could. Then something strange happened - she squinted at me like she didn’t recognize me, but was calculating how to attack all the same.

I can’t… Potion! POTION! POTION! POTION!

I didn’t have the time or the will to question why she was just standing at the threshold as I fumbled with the HEV or whether it was really another Queen that I was dealing with. The only thing I knew for certain was that it was time to fight a god and I had a dangerously red potion in my saddlebag. It was down my throat before I knew when I grabbed it.

“Okay,” I was feeling brave and talented, “We can do this the hard way, or-”

The whole room shifted and Celestia was suddenly looking down at me. Her creepy smile grew to a full-on grin and she started coming closer. And that still wasn't the bad news. No, the bad news was that I couldn’t move a muscle. If only I couldn’t have felt anything as well.

“What are you doing? Where are you…”

I remember her flicking her horn and the HEV falling off me in chunks like it was held together by Play-Doh. I remember her dragging me into the darkness. I blocked out the rest. The next thing I saw were two Royal Guards standing at my sides and magical hoofcuffs keeping me in place. Not that I had a desire to move. I was drenched in more fluids than should be possible and if going to a dungeon meant getting a shower, I’d be the first one in line. Especially if that would get me away from Celestia, who was having a hard time containing her joy of seeing me like this.

“She really did a number on you, didn’t she?” I was in no mood to reply. “Oh, of course! How could you have known? We really should let our loyal subjects know of my twin, but there are reasons why my dear, depraved sister has to stay out of the sunlight. Did you understand - sunlight, instead of spotlight? Haha!”

I hate you.

“I’m terribly sorry for being so chipper, but there’s only so much a mare can take AND STAY NICE.” Now that was a mood shift! “Chasing those things down narrow hallways isn’t my idea of a good evening, but thanks to you we got to test out the security at The Forge! Which is lacking… They couldn’t quite explain how they made it to the surface, but Shining Armor ensured me that he’ll take care of the ones that got away, so there’s nothing to worry about!”

Shining? Good luck with that.

“I suppose everything is almost back to normal. All that remains for us is to decide what to do with you.”

The royal We. I was waiting for that to show up.

“Let them in.”

Six mares walked into the room; it didn’t take me long to recognize them. The funny thing was that I wasn’t sure if they’d actually seen me before, apart from the pink one, but the way they were looking at me let me know they didn’t have a particularly positive opinion of me. Seething, rage, fear – yeah, I don’t know why the yellow one was shivering – it was all there. And this was to be my jury?

“Wait! I haven’t even had a trial yet!”

Just as I said that, I felt a magical gag press down on the inside of my throat.

“Shush. I’m afraid you’ll be gagged until we deliver the verdict, seeing as your actions have done all the talking. Or maybe we'll let you have it for a while longer, so you won’t be able to talk another dragon into something unfortunate…” She contemplated that and I got the feeling my sentence just got a tad worse. “And a public trial? I don’t think you want that.”

Celestia hovered a piece of weather-worn paper to my face. It had my face on it!

WANTED! DEAD OR _______. Version 3.14

They didn't even bother filling out the 'OR' part. Then again, the drawing of an angry mob at the bottom showed how much time they’d had with making the poster, so they couldn't have missed it. I could’ve sworn I saw a Pegasus in the background waving a flag that had my face on it, instead of holding a pitchfork like the rest, but the poster got yanked away too soon.

Gulp.

“You’ve caused quite a stir in Ponyville. Fortunately Fluttershy was able to talk to the dragon before the whole town was destroyed. And, of course, the whole potion fiasco in the post office… But you know, being so close to my sister as I was for that brief period made me see things from a different perspective.”

I didn’t like how her face dropped and she murmured, “Horrible, horrible, things,” before she went on speaking as cheerfully as before.

“And it has shown me something that I had nearly forgotten - that some ponies cause far too much trouble when they’re around.”

I liked it even less how she closed the portal behind her without even looking at it and reignited it a second later. The growing shadows under her eyes were nice, though. Really drove home the intent. The six mares picked up on it too and duly followed, only their jewelry lit up along with their eyes. And that was still the normal part, considering that Celestia then levitated off the ground and started draining the portal with shining white magic. Couldn’t leave it at that, though. The grand closure had to make an appearance. She looked at me with pure white eyes.

“Goodbye, Dr. Freeman.”

Goodbye? It’s gonna be this easy? I get to go? But- AAAAAAHH!

Something was different about the portal this time and not only that it was technically fired at me by seven mares with glowing eyes. The colors were all messed up and everything had a more jagged feel to it, not that I had the time to admire it for long.

THUD

Ow. That hurt. Hey, I still can’t speak! When will this wear off?!

The close-up of the off-color steel floor was perfect for seeing the moisture in my breath condensate in predictable patterns. Don’t know why that made me think of Celestia’s parting words. Maybe it was to shake off the strange feeling I had all over my body.

Did she get my name wrong? She did, didn’t she? That featherbrained-

My left hoof didn’t look right when I tried to pick myself up. Neither did the right one. And they were covered in what looked like the sleeves of a lab coat. And I had claws. Soft-looking claws, but claws nonetheless. I grabbed a nearby chair and pulled myself up.

“Good morning-”

AH!

“-and welcome to the Black Mesa Transit System.”

This can't be good.

Author's Note

If you're wondering why the story's over or why it came to be in the first place, head on down below for my blog post on it. And thank you very much for reading Freemane's Mind!
On Freemane's Mind and the future

Episode One: Problems in Ponyville

My name is Gordon Freemane and I'm one of the top Theoretical Magicians in Equestria. Don't let that theoretical part fool you, I can do magic. Just not a lot of it, some telekinesis and stuff like that, but we're getting off topic. I'm writing this today so that my thesis can be seen by everypony and that's important, because I was right all along. Which is typical. You see, I have always maintained that the whole of Equestria was out to get me, but up until the day I accidentally got to Ponyville, I had no way to prove it. Now, technically I may not have anything physical to prove it, but I'm sure if you go there yourself (NOTE: don't go there without armor) and ask one of those involved what took place, you'll see how right I was. Everypony and everything really was out to get me and only time will tell if it'll be the same in the future. So, without further ado, here's my account of everything that's happened.

I was standing in front of the City Hall in Ponyville, waiting for the next sky-chariot to arrive and doing my best to avoid the locals. They didn’t seem to get the message. The more I stood still and waited the more they circled ever closer, like sharks in a swimming pool. It didn’t take long before I had to put on my evil face in an attempt to get them to stop. So, as they were glancing back and forth at me, I stared right back at them, one pony a time, in silence with a desire to kill in my eyes.

Stop looking at me. Stop looking at me!

Suddenly a pink pony interrupted my hate-stare while the others looked on from a distance. She took a close look at me and screamed in excitement before disappearing in a cloud of dust from beneath her hooves.

What was that? This town is really strange.

It was a strange town. I didn’t even understand how I ended up there. The directions I gave to the taxipony flying the chariot were simple: get me to Dodge City and keep quiet. Of course the Pegasus kept mumbling something to herself while we were flying so I told her that I wasn’t paying her to be a mime with a few brain cells missing. We changed course after that and she just dropped me off in Ponyville - that’s at least what the giant sign said. She then flew away and I couldn’t help feeling that there was something wrong with her. I wasn’t sure if she was coming back, but at least I got a free flight out of it. On the downside, I was now stuck in a tiny town with way too friendly ponies.

Oh no.

The pink pony was coming back with a small band of followers merrily walking alongside her. They looked at me like I was giving away bits. The enthusiasm was sickening.

Time to change location.

I searched around. Buildings, some kind of marketplace in the alley a bit further away, an abomination of a tree in the distance, a Quills & Sofas shop behind a corner… I made a run for it. There was no way the Care Mares were going in there.

This is perfect. The dullness of the place will sap their energy.

“Hello and welcome to…”

There was no time to talk to him, not with those ponies on my tail, so I put my hoof around his mouth as soon as I jumped in. He was nervous about that. I had to make sure they couldn’t hear me, so I comforted him by squeezing him even tighter while looking at the door that had just closed behind me. He didn’t stop entirely, but it was good enough. Hoofsteps got louder and louder and I could eventually make out the conversation their owners were having. It went something like this:

“Hey, pinky pony, where did our victim go?”

“I don’t know,” she giggled like a pony possessed, “don’t worry, we’ll find him and smother him in hugs until I forget about my stupid life.”

“Yes, yes! Me too!” one of the drones with a high pitched voice replied, causing a crack to appear in the wall.

“Do you think he’s in here?” another asked.

“No, no,” the pink annoyance continued, “why would such a dreamy pony go into this place? He’s too handsome and smart! Only losers go here to hang out with that loser Quilly.”

The others agreed and started booing the one who asked the question.

OK, so if I’m honest, I didn’t really hear them talking, but I’m sure they were saying something like that. I didn’t have the chance to really listen because Quilly constantly tried to shift away from me. I tightened my grip on him and put my other hoof to my mouth, telling him to keep it down. A few seconds later the noises moved away, giving me the first chance to talk to this nervous wreck.

“Now, listen here Quilly. I’m not here to rob you. I’m just trying to escape them.”

He made some muffled sounds.

“Oh, right.” I removed my hoof from his muzzle.

“I’m not Quilly, my name is…”

“I don’t care about any of that.” I cut him off and looked back and forth from him to the door. “Wait… I think they’re gone.”

Leaving Quilly behind, I slowly approached the door. Before I opened them, I put my ear to it and listened. A smile grew on my face. Silence. Blessed silence. Full of hope, I opened the door and caught a glimpse of the pink pony & company standing around it in a half-circle. The vile mare was actually standing behind some kind of metal tube.

BOOM!

A huge white cloud enveloped me, strange pieces flying at me and small explosions going off all around me.

Panic!
“AAAAAH!”

I ran straight ahead, knocking several ponies over and screaming at the top of my lungs. My vision was blurred, my ears were ringing and the only thing on my mind was to get as far away as possible. Something dark brown and green was in front of me, not very far away.

Trees. Trees are good. Keep running!

Somepony was shouting something behind me but I didn’t listen. It was probably another trap anyway. As soon as I felt something other than grass beneath my hooves, I slowed down to catch my breath. I was safely in the forest where I could try to outmaneuver my attackers. For a few more seconds I trotted half blind until my vision returned to normal.

What is this?

My vision was normal but the forest wasn’t. There were disfigured trees, overgrown shrubs and strange plants all around me and the whole place was full of creepy shadows created by the few rays of light that penetrated the treetops. The evil vibe I was getting from it was a freebie. In any case, it wasn’t what I had expected. I’d seen other forests in my life. I may not have gone into any of them since my colt days, but I still knew how they should look like and this wasn’t cutting it. There weren’t even any pixies waiting for me and I’m pretty sure they were always there before! I was alone in a freaky forest and if nothing else, it was a perfect place to vent.

“Who’s responsible for this - Discord? Or did somepony build a house of horrors and forgot about it for a few centuries?!”

The voices appeared again. Now I knew it was either this or Ponyville and I’d seen Ponyville. This place at least had peace going for it. That, and the possibility of finding an old cash register if it really was an overgrown theme park. The only thing missing was my Fearless Explorer hat. I turned around to search my saddlebags.

“Damn it!”

They weren’t there. I had lost them somewhere in the commotion that was the result of being shot at with a cannon. A cannon! It was only now that I realized how much worse this could have ended. Now I just needed to get my stuff back once the dust settled.

I’ll wait until nightfall and search for them then.

This time, though, I wouldn’t make the same mistake as I had done in Ponyville. I wasn’t going to wait around in the same spot or it would only be a matter of time before somepony would find me again. There was no doubt about them searching for me.

Ugh, this day isn’t going too well.

There was enough time for a nonchalant shrug before I made my way deeper into the forest. The fact that I didn’t have my saddlebags was resonating in my mind. There was always a machete in there just in case I would have to go into survival mode at the impending zombie apocalypse, or a virus outbreak. Nopony could convince me there wasn’t going to be one, but it was days like this that made me actively want one. In the meantime, the machete was proving itself useful for cutting into lines at the post office. You wouldn’t believe how quickly ponies agree to let you by when you take the thing out of the saddlebag and start checking it for imperfections. A few balancing acts don’t hurt either. But now that I really was in survival mode, I didn’t have it. Good thing there wasn’t a crowd waiting for admission into the deep forest or I would have started breaking things. Speaking of causing harm, there was only one way forward: through the dense, evil bushes.

This is going to hurt. Unless…

I tried pushing the bushes aside with good old magic and got the first good news of the day. The bushes weren’t as ubiquitous as it seemed at first glance. There was an entire row of them covering the trees close to where I made my entrance, but after that they spread out enough for me to manoeuver around them. They were thick though, and I had to concentrate so hard on keeping them apart that I couldn’t move or the gap closed up again. That left me with one choice. That, and the noises, which were now too close for comfort. I ran back a bit to get some momentum before making a dash for it. I looked for the smallest bush.

Here. We . Go!

For a moment I thought I was going to get tangled up in the damn thing when I felt the amount of resistance it was giving but I managed to fight my way to the other side. There was a moment of pride when I landed. And adrenaline, which masked the pain from the thorns for a few seconds. I spent the time wisely – jumping up and down in celebration of this success. Well, not jumping per se, more like a single jump and then nearly falling to the ground on landing from the sharp pain in my hooves.

"Why did I do that?!"

I don’t always hate it when I’m right, but when I do, I end up pulling thorns the size of teeth out of my legs. Still, the pursuit was stopped, which was the best thing to happen to me since I had come to the wretched forest. Before continuing any further I made sure to pull the thorns out of everywhere I could feel and see them. There were of course those smaller ones as well - you know, the ones that mysteriously appear a week later without warning - but for now I was fine. For that brief moment, with the pain going away and the voices keeping their distance, I was happy. So happy in fact, I was on the verge of singing.

Is that growling?

It didn’t last long. An enormous beast jumped out of the bushes and landed in front of me, showing rows of sharp teeth and eyes focused on my soft neck.

“LION!”

Apparently I hadn’t had enough exercise before and I needed to burn some more calories, so I decided to rapidly change location.

Trees, trees, watch out for the trees!

I jumped over shrubs, dodged fallen logs and looked for the path of most resistance for the lion behind me. I didn’t even have time to think about what a lion was doing in a forest so close to Ponyville in the first place. Or a forest in general. That isn’t where they live. Or maybe I should have paid more attention in school. Either way, I was being chased. At least the beast had to follow me, which gave me an advantage. The narrower the gap between trees, the more I got away. I was feeling confident, especially after the sound of breaking branches and heavy footsteps suddenly stopped. I stopped as well and looked behind me. There was no-one there. My heart was beating like mad and my lungs were on fire but I got away.

“Yeah, you thought you could get me? Well think again! They don’t call me-”

A shadow blocked out the few rays of Sun that managed to get to the ground. The lion was flying. No, I’m not making that up, the lion was flying. It looked like it was carried around by a giant bat. And I wasn’t on drugs either, regardless of what you might think. I could see it fly right over my head and land in front of the two trees that I was going to use as an escape route.

Plan B: stand totally still and quiet.

It slowly walked toward me, looking at me with an expression that said: dinner. I instinctively started moving backwards and looked around. Running didn’t work, I didn’t know where I was and the damn thing had an unholy alliance with a giant bat! I was drawing blanks and, to make matters worse, I hit something with my behind.

A rock?! Where did that come from? Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap. OK, how about this...

I looked directly into the eyes of the beast that was now one leisurely leap away from tearing my face off and widened my stance. Then I closed my eyes and focused.

Teleport to Canterlot. Teleport to Canterlot. Teleport to Canterlot.

There was a crack and a thud. When I opened my eyes, I saw the lion lying on the ground in front of me.

Well, that’s not quite what I wanted, but I’ll take it. Did I really just wish it away? Sweet. I wonder if it works with ponies as well. That would open up some options at the market.

“Do not fear, do not weep,
“All is well,
“It is asleep.”

What the hay was that? “Hello? Is anypony out there?”

A robed pony walked out of the bushes to my left, its eyes glowing faint yellow and oddly shaped bottles with green markings strapped to its side along with a few other tools and a blowpipe. I wasn’t scared. In fact, I was more annoyed than surprised, even. After everything that Ponyville and this forest threw at me, I was now facing a rhyming monk? If all else fails, a swift kick to the head would bring it down, so it’s not like it was a threat anyway. I narrowed my eyes.

“You can lose the costume. Molestfest doesn’t start for another month.”

“No time to sit,
“No time to talk,
“The manticore sleeps
“And we must walk.”

Before I could complain about the rhyming, the pony took off back in the direction from whence it came. I wasn’t even entirely sure if it was a he or a she. The voice could go either way. It was only when it reached the shrubs and stopped to look back at me if I was coming that I remembered to look at my fallen enemy.

Manticore. That’s a stupid thing to call a lion.

I recoiled in shock as soon as I got a good look at its back. It wasn’t a lion with a giant bat-friend. It was a lion with the wings of a bat and the tail of a scorpion. I didn’t even see that the first time around.

"Wow. I got off luckier than I knew. I should probably follow the monk."

The trip to Zecora’s hut didn’t take long. I learned her name on the way, along with the information that she was a mare in a new wave of rhymes. The feeling that I wasn’t very well prepared for this kind of exploring was growing stronger with every tree we passed, but then again I didn’t really volunteer for it either! If the only two choices are an insane mob and a forest, I think every normal pony would choose the latter. The fact that the Forest Administration hadn’t been there in decades was also not something I had expected.

This is Equestria, after all. If we can control the clouds, we can damn well make sure a forest isn’t actively trying to kill you!

I was already carefully selecting the words that would go into the letter that I would send to the Forest Administration. I wasn’t sure if that’s what it was called, or if it even existed, but dammit, there was going to be a letter.

Dear lazy bastards. I don’t know you and you don’t know me, and that’s fine. I don’t want to know you. I don’t really care about you, but I just spent some time in a forest near… What was the name of the town again? I have to ask somepony that before I send the letter. Where was I? Oh yeah. A nice little forest I think you would really like. I recommend visiting it in the middle of the night blindfolded to get the full experience. It really does have everything – trees that look like they want to gut you, invisible stares following you everywhere while making creepy noises, fully grown lions mixed with giant bats and scorpions and, of course, monks who spent a few years too many sniffing incense. So yeah, thanks for the near death experience, I appreciate it!

The sight of a jungle house woke me up. Zecora was saying something and making gestures toward it. I was too busy staring at the voodoo decorations adorning the place. Bubbling sounds from within didn’t make the situation any better. There was no way I was stepping hoof inside that thing. Zecora noticed my sudden love for the outdoors and approached. I started looking for escape routes. There was a path that might as well have been the main road across this forest. I glanced at the path and, just as Zecora was taking off her robes, back to her.

“Aaaah! Zombie!”

I ran toward the path as fast as my legs would carry me. Now I could add zombies to the list of things I saw. On any other day that would have been a welcome change from the boredom. Normally, I would have been prepared for this kind of situation but in the forest I didn’t have anything. Another reason why I shouldn’t have lost my saddlebags! Before the fear could get completely replaced by the excitement of being right, I heard some voices coming from the front.

Hide, hide, hide!

I jumped into the nearest bush I could find and waited. The voices got louder and louder until I could eventually make out the outlines of half a dozen ponies walking toward me through the light mist. It didn’t take long for them to get close enough for me to make out their colors – white, blue, orange, purple, yellow and the hateful pink. I was surprised that all of them were mares, though. Under different circumstances, having six mares in a forest could open up some options, but if I started thinking about that, I wouldn’t be able to stand up with dignity, so I put the thought at the back of my head for later. Then the sound of a pony running came from behind. It was Zecora. She ran right past me and stopped in front of the six ponies that were out to get me. They started talking. I peeled my eyes to see if any of them had my saddlebags on them. Nope. Either they took them or they missed them.

So this was the plan, huh? Get the zombie to “save” me from the monster and lure me to them. Smart. But I outsmarted you all! Now to get out of this mess.

Slowly, I picked up a rock and hurled it into the trees on the other side of the path. Unlike some of my earlier plans, this one worked. The mares heard the noise it made as it was breaking braches and tearing leaves and gave chase. The zombie galloped back to her house of doom. I stood up victoriously and shook off the dirt and needles I was laying on. At this point I saw I had also been lying on a strange blue flower. There were more of them just behind where I was hiding, each the size of a pony’s head and I managed to crush one, so now parts of my legs and belly were covered in a blue ooze.

Gross. I have to find a shower in the town.

There was a risk of being heard if I ran so I stepped lightly at first. As soon as I couldn’t hear their voices anymore, I picked up some speed, and then some more. With the Insanity Brigade searching for me in the woods, there was no need to wait for nightfall to get my bags back.

What’s this?

Instead of clearing, the mist got thicker the further away I got. Squinting didn’t help and slowing down wasn’t something I wanted to do. Until I saw a shadow appeared in front of me.

Not again.

The outline of the multicore, or whatever the zombie called it, was blocking the path. I scrambled to stop. I kept my eyes on it, waiting for it to pounce, but it wasn’t moving. Something was wrong. My curiosity got the best of me so I half-crawled forward and got some new evidence that this forest was insane. It wasn’t the lion. Not a real one, anyway.

"They built it a statue? Really? Somepony thought it would be a good idea to build a statue for a crime against nature, but whenever I say I deserve to have my own statue everypony is looking at me like I’ve gone insane? This isn’t fair. I’m leaving."

I didn’t even care at this point. The whole place was just too wrong on so many levels that I didn’t even feel like running anymore. I just walked casually on the path through the forest until I could see the blue halo of the sky in the distance. As soon as I would get back to the town I was going to get my stuff back and leave. Right after I discovered where it was. A few ponies crossed my path during the walk. They watched me with a sense of restrain and wonder. I was filthy and full of tiny scratches from my little forest adventure. My mane wasn’t doing much better. Strangely, I felt good about it.

Yeah, cover in fear at the sight of the colt of the forest. He’s come to claim your land and conquer your mares! Flee before-

“Are you OK?”

There was a white nurse-mare standing to my left, looking worried. How she suddenly got there was beyond me, but I knew one thing: everypony in this town was out to get me and this was just a ruse. You didn’t need to be a detective to work that out from everything that had happened, but the fact she was in a uniform with no hospital in sight just added insult to injury. I played it safe.

“Yeah, I’m totally fine. I just went for a little walk in the forest.”

“You went to the…” her voice trailed off for a moment and her eyes went wide, “Everfree forest?”

“Um, sure, if that’s what it’s called. Anyway, I’ll be on my way.”

I ignored her please to see a doctor and went into town. The plan was simple. I was going to retrace my steps from when the canon fired at me, get my saddlebags and burn the town down. That, or leave while fantasizing about the joy of burning it down. Probably the latter; I was never any good at following those kind of ideas through. First step: Quills & Sofas, only this time I didn’t make the mistake of sticking around town any longer than necessary. After a few minutes of trotting while looking in every direction for any more psychoponies I made it to Quilly’s place. There was confetti on the ground.

So this is how they celebrated their little victory, huh? Well I’m winning the war!

Just as I was about to enter, the door opened and my old friend walked out. At least I thought he was my friend until he started talking.

“Ah, you’re back!” A too-friendly smile crept onto his face, “you left in such a hurry I wasn’t sure you were ever coming back.” He pointed to the door hinge. “Your bags got caught when you ran away, but I took them to the post office. It’s the local lost-and-found place here in Ponyville, just around the corner and straight on!”

For a moment, I wasn’t sure what to think. In less than a minute he told me everything I wanted to know. I didn’t need to threaten him or anything. It was too easy, as if he wanted me to go to the post office as soon as possible.

“This is too easy.”

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing! I mean, so who is the kind pony that can help me get my things back?”

Quilly seemed uneasy with the way I was looking at him. I gave it my all, but my fake smile was miles off his effort. Looking back at it, I must have looked a bit like a psychopony myself, what with the battle scars, the dirt and now the forced showing of teeth.

“Um, you’ll probably want Derpy Hooves for that. She’s a gray Pegasus, bubbles cutie mark, you can’t miss her.”

“Thanks a lot, Quilly!”

I was already running for the post office when he was again shouting back something about a different name, but there was no time for that. The post office really wasn’t very far, but I knew that a direct approach would be suicide. They had to have been waiting for me, but I’m nothing if not a strategic mastermind. I had already proven it up many times that day. After a few detours through the side streets I was facing the post office head on, with enough options for evasive maneuvers between me and it. Now it was only a matter of waiting for the pony to appear.

“Excuse me!”

A minty green unicorn mare was looking out of the window above my head.

“You’re standing on Bon Bon’s flowers. Would you mind getting out of our garden?”

This is a garden? It looks more like a patch of weeds. Don’t say that out loud.

I waved a hoof and jumped the fence back to the road. A more direct approach was needed, so I looked around to see if anypony was watching and slowly made my way around the post office, examining it through and through for tripwires and hidden traps. After I made full circle, I went to the door. There was a note stuck to it. “Went out for muffins, be back soon!”

Perfect. They say a window always opens when the door closes, or something like that. I don’t know. They must say that.

Without thinking too much about it, I went around for a second time. There was a tilted window a few feet of the ground on the back side of the building. A well placed poke with a sharp stick made my entrance and it didn’t take long for me to get inside, but that’s when the real problems began. The whole room was filled with boxes and letters and boxes of letters and I’m pretty sure they only did that so that I would write that sentence. I tore apart a few of them in the hopes that statistics would be in my favor but it didn’t happen. If I wanted to search everything in there, I would need a few days at least and the mailmare would probably return by then. Good thing necessity breeds ingenuity. I didn’t have to panic. All I had to do was to get her to tell me where my bags are.

So, Derpy’s out for muffins, eh? She must really like them. I can play on that. Muffins, muffins, what can I do with muffins?

A minute of concentration later I had my answer. I would kidnap Derpy. It wouldn’t be the first time I’d have done it, and I was very good at it. Of course there was the whole Appleloosa incident, but the less said about that the better. They really cried at that funeral. Anyway, I went out of the storage room and into the lobby of the small post office where I started setting up the ambush. It wasn’t very complicated, just a giant box levitated over the doorway with me hiding behind the counter. I was about to hunker down to wait for her when I saw something on a ledge in front of me. Something special.

I’ve seen these little bottles before. Zecora had them! Is this the tranquilizer she used on the lion? Just think about how spaced out you would get it you took it yourself. You could get a ton of money! I know buyers... And of course they’re under the counter, I mean come on! This place is way too literal.

I pushed them to the side when I heard somepony opening the door. The game was on. A pegasus walked inside and I released the box. The mailmare was mine, but not silent. She shrieked when the box fell on top of her but I anticipated it, so the door was closed before anypony would get suspicious.

“Hello? Who’s there?” she asked with a scared tone. “What’s going on?”

“Well, well, well.” I walked around her, looking at the box as if I would be looking at her, “you thought you could ambush me? Now look at where you are.”

“What? I don’t understand. Please let me out!”

“Oh, we’ll get to that. Oh yes, we’ll get to that. Right after you tell me what you did with my saddlebags!”

“Saddlebags?” she nearly cried and then whispered “Oh no. They told me he was a crazy pony.”

I’m not a crazy pony.
“I’m not a crazy pony!”
Don’t cut me off!
“Quiet!”

“What?” the voice inside the box asked.

“You too.” I prepared to take the box off Derpy. “Now, I’m going to let you out. You’re going to show me where my bags are and then I’ll leave you alone, OK?”

“Mhm.”

I nearly lifted the box off the ground when I heard noises coming from outside. Somepony was approaching. There were tiny hoofsteps and something else – a mechanical noise that moved in tune with the others. I crept to the window and saw tree little fillies walking past the house. The two on the sides talked about getting their cutie marks in shinning horseshoes when the middle one weirdly yelled, “The fun levels will be at maximum efficiency!” I have a stone heart, but that was adorable.

Ow, she thinks she’s a robot. How cute.

I sobered up from the moment of softness and cocked my head.

Wait, no. You’re in the middle of a kidnapping. Right.

I dragged the box, Derpy included, into the back room where I knew nopony would hear us. Then I lifted it off the ground and saw something strange. Derpy wasn’t like the other ponies I’d seen in the wretched little town. Something about her was different and she knew it. It made her nervous. That, or the whole kidnapping thing. I wasn’t sure what to make of her, but I knew I didn’t like it and I made her know that by giving her a disapproving look. She was wearing a mailmare uniform.

I thought this place was a nudist colony. Somepony always ruins the fun.

She sheepishly flew out of the box. I looked around a bit while she searched for my bags. That’s when I saw the crate. My own personal lottery. At first I didn’t want to believe what I was seeing, but sure enough, there were warning signs drawn on it.

DANGER – MAGIC HAZARD
WARNING – DO NOT SHAKE
THEFT – 12 YEARS DUNGEON
ADDRESS HERE

And those were just the ones on the side I could see. Hiding beneath them was the one sign that made me lose my guard. The shape of a potion bottle. If the one in the main office could get me some money then this could set me up for life. Caution was needed.

“Where’s a crowbar when you need one?! I have one in my bags, but then I don’t have them and that just adds insult to injury!”

“Huh?” Derpy turned back to me.

I turned around to face her. “Damn it, I said that out loud didn’t I? I have to be more careful next time.” I was still speaking out loud.

“Are you OK?”

Derpy’s question only made me more nervous. I couldn’t think quietly anymore.

“Damn it, WHY? How could this even…” I couldn’t finish the though. One of Derpy’s eyes was looking at me, the other one at the crates behind me. “How are you doing that?” I stomped at the ground. “Stop trying to confuse me! Everypony here is already doing that!”

I went back to crowbar-hunting. Derpy hovered for a moment then turned back to her own mission. My saddlebags were still missing in action. I don’t even know how many crates I moved or how many drawers I searched, but eventually I got my prize. A broom. Granted, it wasn’t a crowbar so I wouldn’t be able to open the crate in style, but it was something. A few well-placed kicks to the crack between the corner planks widened it enough to get the broom handle in.

“Open you damn treasure chest!”

Derpy looked at what I was doing with fearful disapproval. My constant narrating of what I was doing was creeping her out. Or maybe it was the warning signs that I was so cheerfully ignoring. Either way, she didn’t like what I was doing. My magic alone wasn’t enough so I leaned against the broom and – CRACK – the crate opened. When the side of the crate fell down a puff of green smoke erupted from it and disappeared, which was strange.

“Oh my…”

Derpy gasped. I was stunned and on the verge of a panic attack. A good one. The crate was full of small black bottles, arranged in lines by their color codes. Red at the top, then purple, dark blue, some kind of sewer-green, neon green, orange and yellow.

“Seven by twelve… by twelve, I guess? Holy Celestia, there’s… one hundred and forty-four times seven…”

“One thousand and eight.” Derpy answered in a flat tone.

“Right, that many. That many potions in there.” The information took a second to fully get to my brain. “I’M RICH! WOOHOO!”

I jumped around the room laughing when a shadow overflew the building. Derpy eeped and flew backwards into a corner. Hoofsteps approached rapidly. I stopped my celebration and turned to the opened door to the lobby. The front door nearly went off the hinges when somepony barged in. I recognized the shapes even before I saw them clearly.

“Oh crap. The fashion police!”

“Hold it right there in the name of Equestria!”

It wasn’t the fashion police. Two Royal Guards had jumped into the room and another one was slowly walking toward us. I looked around for any way of escape. The window I used to get in here was tempting, but before I could jump and pull myself out… No way. The rest were just boxes and crates, a few shelves and tables, the guarded door to the lobby and Derpy in the corner. She was pressed so hard against it I couldn’t make out how she was still flying.

“I’m trapped.”

“Step away from the crate.”

“That doesn’t sound like a guard.”

A tall figure appeared at the doorway with wings, a horn and a crown. That would normally be the time to panic. Princess Celestia walked in, looking mad as hell and just dominating everypony with her pose. She lowered her head only a fraction.

“I said, step away from the crate.”

Another shadow went over the post office. Even Celestia was surprised enough to stop staring me to death. Hoofsteps were again heard and the day guards got some company in the form of the night guards. Princess Luna wasn’t far behind.

“IS EVERYTHING IN ORDER SISTER?” her voice boomed through the building.

“Ow, that was painful!” My ears were close to bleeding. Even Derpy fell to the ground, hooves at her head.

“What are you doing here Luna?”

Luna apologetically lowered her voice when she saw what she caused. “We received the distress beacon and arrived to offer aid.”

“Thank you dear sister, but everything is under control.”

Celestia wasn’t very good at lying. I was handling the situation beautifully. While the Princesses were busy being polite, I grabbed the first potion bottle that I could get my telekinesis on from the crate and lifted it high above my head.

Derpy screamed “DON’T!” and flew at me. At the same time, Luna teleported to side and Celestia charged her horn to take the bottle away, only to have Derpy fly right over her targeting field when she released it. I ducked to dodge Derpy so she flew into Luna, sweeping her off her hooves. If Celestia hadn’t slowed her down with the gentle tug, they would have gone straight into the box o’ toxins. Now it was just me and the tall one. She quickly walked to me and snatched the bottle away while I was hunkered down.

“Your Highness, we can take this over if you wish.” One of the guards, who so bravely stood still while this was happening, told the Princess.

“You have done your part.” she replied with a firm voice, not wanting to make the same mistake of looking away from me, “Leave. Thank you.”

“I don’t think I can get out of this.” I still couldn’t think silently.

“No. You will answer for the crimes once we return to Canterlot. Luna, help me in restraining him, please. And you, miss Hooves, would you kindly put this back where it belongs? You’ve been a very brave pony today.”

Luna conjured up some magic rope and before I could say anything, I was bound and pushed into a corner. Derpy was looking at the bottle in her hooves and marveling at it. Celestia gave her a disapproving stare. From the corner, the view was quite strange. The two Princesses standing in front of a crate that could pay for my early retirement and a cross-eyed Pegasus hovering between them, turned away from me.

“I have a sinking feeling this isn’t going to end well.”

I really didn’t see a bright future ahead of me. Trial. Punishment. Possibly even dungeon. My head fell into my tied up chest as much as it could. I couldn’t even look at the ground in shame without looking like an idiot with his eyes rolled all the way down. The damn magic rope was in the way so I was forced to watch the destruction of the dreams I had since seeing that crate. Derpy turned around and put the bottle back in the crate, pushing it gently until it locked into place with the others. The sisters smiled to each other. It was a true moment of Zen for everypony involved. I don’t even know how everything managed to change the way it did after that. I do remember hearing the faintest crack and seeing the princesses get startled. And then the stacked bottles just collapsed. There was a blinding flash and then…

What happened? Where am I? Why is there dust everywhere?

The room was a disaster. Whatever little decoration there was before was broken or torn, splinters embedded in the cracked walls and the roof wasn’t exactly in the same place or shape it was in when I first got there. I think a structural engineer would call it “crumbled”, which was actually a good thing, because that way it at least let some light in. The only window was blocked by the debris, as was the doorway. Something bad had happened. But before I could start planning my escape, I noticed a small puddle of wine next to me. It was coming from a cracked crate to my right and I could see who it was meant for.

Berry Punch, huh? I know who to talk to if I ever want to get drunk here! Hold on…

I jumped up, “I can think normally again!”

That moment didn’t last long – they never do. Something in front of me, right where the crate with the princesses used to be, was trying to stand up from the ashes. My problems weren’t over. I had no way to go and, truth be told, even if I did, I’m not sure I could have moved once the dust settled enough for me to see it.

Great, Princess Luna is still after me. No, that’s Celestia. Or maybe…

When the alicorn came closer she crossed a few rays of light coming from the broken roof. That’s when I saw she wasn’t one princess or the other. She was both. The left front and rear right leg were mostly Celestia’s, with a few round dark blue patches on the foreleg and the stifle at the back. The two Luna’s legs, if I can call them that, and I can, had similarly shaped white spots on the cannon at the front and the hock, with a clear line separating the two colors. The wings were blue with the exception of the feathers at the tips, while the whole body was a mess of the two colors. The head looked quite a lot like a painted Zecora while the two colors interchanged at the horn, making it look like a sharp candy cane.

“A hybrid alicorn. Perfect.”

I sat down. There was no hope of going against an alicorn, let alone a hybrid one. So I sat down and waited for my imminent demise.

I’ve had a good run. Not as good as it could have been, but a good run nonetheless. I got attacked by an angry, torch wielding mob that wanted to nail me to a post. I defeated a flying lion all by myself. I outsmarted a zombie. And that was just today! My usual Fridays don’t have flying lions in them. And now, here I’ll die, attacked by a monster nopony could have imagined. Fitting. If only I had my saddlebags…

I had a lot of time to think. Too much, in fact. When I looked back at the hybridcorn I noticed she was moving really slowly. Kind of like she couldn’t move any faster. Like she was struggling to even stand.

"There really are two princesses in there!"

After a few shaky steps she came close enough for me to make out something else. For some strange reason, her irises were dark purple, giving her a look that should have been sinister, if it wouldn’t have been for the fear and astonishment in the way she looked around. The other thing I noticed was the mane and tail. Celestia’s changing colors had turned into a darker version, ranging from near black at the top to dark orange at the bottom, but even that wasn’t the main reason for her state of shock. Or is that their state of shock? Let’s just go with her, it makes it easier. Anyway, the main reason was shocking on an entirely new level. She couldn’t have seen it yet, but she must have felt it. The cutie marks had joined into a solar eclipse.

With the creature standing motionless in front of me and what I assumed was Derpy’s dust still settling to the ground, there was only one response I could possibly give.

“Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

I fell to the ground and clutched my belly. The hybrid gave me a stare.

“This is ALL YOUR fault!”

There was no hope of getting from the floor. Not with their voices overlapping like that. I tried subduing the laughter and even placed a hoof in front of my muzzle, but all that produced were whimper-like sounds. The fact I was tearing up didn’t help either. The creature took one step forward and stopped, towering in front of me with rage written all over her striped face. I couldn’t look for a more than a moment because I was afraid that laughing directly in her face would get me a trampling.

“What do you – ha-ha – what do you mean my fault? I didn’t tell you to stand near the crate!”

“You’re going TO pay FOR THIS!”

I dub thee Lunestia!

We were disrupted by the sound of shovels hitting bricks. Those outside were digging their way in. When I instinctively turned my head to the former doorway, I saw something. Something I had missed before because I was too focused on the wine crate in front of it. But I caught a glimpse of it now.

“My saddlebags!”

Ignoring Lunestia, I jumped and picked them up. They were a little dusty but otherwise OK. I grinned. My escape was guaranteed.

“What are you DOING?”

“Oh nothing,” I mused, keeping Lunestia on edge while slowly pulling out my secret weapon, “I’m just going to…”

I quickly turned to Lunestia, Taser in hoof and ready to fire. There was no point in holding it with magic as she would certainly overpower me. Lunestia didn’t know what to make of the device I was pointing at her, but she understood it wasn’t a party canon. She lowered her head aggressively and looked me straight on.

“Drop it.”

No way.

I pushed the trigger before she could send me to the Moon and – nothing. The trigger was stuck.

Work you antiquated piece of…

While I fumbled with the Taser, Lunestia’s horn glowed and a small bubble formed on its tip. She looked at me one more time, wanting to see if I would back of. I didn’t and the horn exploded in yellow light. A muffin appeared in front of me. I stared at it. So did Lunestia.

“So, Derpy’s in there too, hm?”

As I looked to Lunestia her right pupil slowly ascended to the top of the eye. Yes, Derpy was in there. She was just overpowered by the two alicorns to make her presence known in more colorful ways. Knowing I wasn’t getting sent to the Moon certainly freed up my mind, but then I was only interested in one thing.

I might not be going home rich, but at least I got a muffin out of it. Let’s try this again!

This time, I pushed the trigger on the Taser with my hoof and telekinesis combined. Two tiny darts flew at Lunestia. She tried to throw herself to the side to avoid them, but she was too close and too slow. I would give anything to see that moment in slow motion. It would have looked awesome! I mean, the two darts buried themselves in her chest. And that was it.

The batteries. When was the last time I checked…
“Umm… how’s about we call it even and forget about the whole thing, huh?”
You’re safe, she doesn’t have any magic.

Lunestia’s eyes straightened and she ran toward me with so much rage I could smell it. Or maybe that was the smell of something else, but I digress. Lunestia didn’t have any magic but she sure had strong hooves. Sharp, too. And I never knew princesses could kick with such force, so that was new. I’m just happy the guards burst in or would have had some more stiches than I do now. Speaking of which, since I’m writing this from the Canterlot Hospital and I’m chained to the bed, I can only tell you so much about what happened later. From what I heard Lunestia was finally torn back apart with the Elements of Harmony or something. Derpy’s fine too, but there are those who say Celestia’s vision still tends to shift from time to time, if you know what I mean.

In fact, Derpy’s doing so well she even sent me a present yesterday. As you would expect, it was a muffin, but it was a strangely large muffin, almost cake-sized. I guess I should have taken the hint instead of chipping my tooth on what was inside, but on the other hoof I can’t tell you how happy I am that whoever made those potion bottles didn’t skimp on the material. Purple. I wonder what it does…

Author's Note

My first attempt at writing something more comedic after all the Dark stuff and at the same time a tribute of sorts to Freeman's Mind, even if there are some large differences (Freemane can speak, he's a pony, etc.). So let me know what you think!

Also, if you like Half-Life but haven't seen Freeman's Mind, go watch it now. Seriously.