Princess Luna Tries to Burn the Internet
Princess Luna is Mad at the Internet...
Princess Luna Tries to Burn the Internet
An MLP Fic by Me, written on 9/8/2013 in one shot
ONE FINE DAY IN CANTERLOT, a vast mail truck drove up to the Royal Palace. It parked in front of the door, and as Princess Celestia peeked out from behind the curtains at her window, watching excitedly, a brown mailpony got out of the truck. He went around to the back of the truck, and after a few moments, inside, and when he staggered out he carried a huge box. Celestia looked on, amused, as the mailpony managed to reach the door with his heavy load. He just barely kept from dropping it on the doorstep. Wiping the sweat from his forehead, he got back into his truck and drove away.
About five minutes later, Princess Luna opened the door. “What is this, Sister?” she called into the royal dining room as she levitated the box into the air with her blue magic.
“Well, what is it?” Princess Celestia called back. “Does it look like a box?”
“Yes, it doth – I mean, it does,” Luna replied as she trotted into the dining room.
Celestia sat at the table, eating an after-lunch banana. Upon seeing the box, her mouth spread into a wide grin, and she swallowed her bite of banana, dropped the rest on the table and practically galloped to where Luna was setting down the box. “Let me see! Let me see!” she cried gleefully.
Luna looked at her sister curiously, with one eyebrow raised. “What is in this box, that thou art – I mean, that you are acting so strangely about?” she inquired.
Celestia ignored the question, and her mane almost stopped moving in her excitement as she peered at the side of the box. “Ponysoft Incorporated, Equestrian Innovations,” she announced proudly.
Luna looked blank. “What is that?"
Princess Celestia glanced up at her in surprise. “I never told you about this?
“No,” Luna replied, somewhat impatiently.
“You mean I never said anything about this?”
“No.”
“You mean I never bestowed upon thee, the wonders and – “
“SHUT UP!” Luna shouted. “Thou art royally annoying thy sister! Now wouldst thou be so kind as to TELL ME what in thy name thou art TALKING ABOUT!?”
Celestia was nonplussed. “It’s…” she stage-whispered. “A……COMPUTER!!”
Luna still stared blankly. “And what in Equestria is that?”
The white alicorn heaved an exasperated sigh. “I’ll show you when I get the box open.”
A few minutes and a lot of Styrofoam poofies later, Celestia and Luna stood, the former gazing proudly at the fully
assembled desktop computer that rested, dormant, on the dining room table, the latter still utterly perplexed.
“Sister,” Princess Luna said, “I still have no idea what this strange contraption is used for.”
“You’ll see,” giggled her sister. She reached out a golden-shoed hoof…and pressed a button on the computer.
It whirred to life, making Luna jump. “What in Equestria – !?” she cried, her eyes wide. Celestia laid a calming hoof on her shoulder.
“Just wait,” she breathed, her anticipation clearly visible on her face.
The computer made a few blips, beeps and murple-herps, and the screen’s color cycled through a variety of colors: blue, green, yellow, an atrocious shade of pink and finally black. Then it stayed silent.
“Oh dear,” Celestia murmured. Her hoof was halfway to the button again when all of a sudden it jumped back to life – this time startling both princesses. The two alicorns gazed at the screen, Celestia grinning giddily, Luna frowning with uncertainty. She didn’t trust this strange machine, not one bit.
And then – at last! – the computer changed to a screen with a blue background and a green bar across the bottom. A button at the far left of the green bar read “Start”, and on the far right of the bar was the time. Luna glanced from it to the clock on the wall and deemed its timekeeping accurate, for the moment.
There were also a lot of small boxes on the screen, with text below them. One was a large lowercase e with a yellow band around its top, almost like a circlet. Below that were the words “Internet Explorer”.
In that moment, Luna forgot all else. She stared at the inviting e with its bright circlet, and all the times she had heard other ponies talk about stuff they found on the Internet ran through her mind. She couldn’t believe that that was it, just a small, fat, blue lowercase e with a yellow band around its head.
“Is that…the Internet?” she asked. “That’s it?”
Celestia grinned even wider than she had before. She saw her sister falling under the spell of the Internet, and she remembered how she had done so when getting on Twilight Sparkle’s computer a few weeks ago. That was why this computer now sat on the table in front of them. “Yes, it is. Watch this,” she added, her pupils widening in her exhilaration for this moment. She reached for the mouse…but there was none. She rolled her eyes and fished around in the box the computer had come in.
“Aha!” She held up a device that rather looked like…well, Luna wasn’t sure what it looked like. It was oblong, with two plastic flaps to press down and something that rolled in the center. A cord dangled from its back end.
Celestia plugged the mouse into the computer and wiggled it. In response, a small, white arrow-shaped thing moved around the screen. “That is the cursor,” Celestia explained to her bewildered sister. Then she moved the cursor to rest above the bright, blue e with its shining yellow circuit and clicked the left mouse button.
The screen went entirely white except for the green bar and a blue one at the top, which strangely held two blue squares with white symbols on them, and one red one with an X on it, at its far right. Luna recoiled in astonishment. “What didst thou do to it, Sister?!” she exclaimed.
“Just wait and see,” was the reply.
Both ponies waited eagerly as the cursor morphed into an hourglass whose tiny pixel sand didn’t move at all. Then they waited some more. And some more.
Finally, just when Luna was about to open her mouth to loudly proclaim that she was officially bored, and just when Celestia was about to fly at the computer yelling “HOW DARE YOU NOT RESPOND TO YOUR PRINCESS, YOU IDIOT!!!! NO BANANAS FOR YOU!!”, the screen changed. The white void was now light blue, with some words and boxes on it.
“Phew,” Celestia sighed, while Luna became more confused.
“That is good? A blue…thing with words and strange boxes on it?? That is what we have waited ALL THIS TIME FOR?!” She was beginning to lose her patience with her older sister.
“Well, yes, it is,” Princess Celestia replied, smiling. “But this isn’t all.” She went to a white bar near the top of the page and magically depressed a few buttons on the keyboard. Then she hit one more, and the screen went white again.
Luna groaned inwardly. Fortunately, they did not have to wait long for this page to come up; within a few seconds the screen had changed to…
Luna’s mouth dropped open. Unable to contain herself, she shouted, “WHAT IN EQUESTRIA’S NAME IS THAT?!?!”
“That,” Celestia answered, “is an animation of an anime girl spinning a leek, which plays indefinitely and is accompanied by an annoying tune that replays about a million times until you can’t stand it anymore. Listen.”
The music was indeed getting rapidly annoying, and after a few minutes Luna begged her sister to turn it off. So Celestia moused up to the white bar at the top of the screen and typed something in. The screen went white again, then changed to…
“Is that a picture of me?” Luna asked in astonishment.
Celestia nodded. “I did a search for ‘Princess Luna’.”
“YOU MEAN WE’RE ON THE INTERNET?!” Luna gasped.
Celestia nodded. “We do seem to be, along with all the other ponies and a few who don’t exist. Including other species. Humans are clever.”
Luna wasn’t understanding any of this. “Make sense, Sister, I beg thee!” she cried.
Celestia smiled. “I think the best way for it to…‘make sense’, as you say, is for you to be on the Internet yourself.” Her horn flashed, and suddenly Luna understood how to navigate the Internet. “There. Now, make yourself at home. And please don’t blow up the computer,” she added, turning away and walking out of the dining room. “I have a few important things to do later.”
The first thing Luna did on the Internet was to do another search for herself, but this time she typed in “Princess Luna and Princess Celestia”. A link came up to a site called Wikipedia, and she clicked it.
The page appeared to detail a TV show called My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, and apparently, the show was about the ponies of Equestria! Luna read the entire page in growing alarm, then searched “Bronies”.
In one second flat, she had closed the browser. “I never need to see a human man dressed up like me ever again,” she breathed. After a few minutes of rest from the Internet, she clicked on the icon again.
This time, she searched “Princess Luna and other ponies”. The first image that came up was another page-closer for Luna. It showed a badly drawn version of herself. And Big Macintosh. In a heart. And they were looking at each other. Clearly, whoever drew the picture wanted Luna and Big Mac to…
“STUPID INTERNET!!” Luna yelled. “WE DO NOT HAVE ANY INTENTIONS OF FALLING IN LOVE WITH ANYPONY!! EVER!!”
After she had calmed down, she felt brave enough to try the Internet one more time. She opened the browser and typed in “Princess Luna game”. A few minutes later, she had downloaded something called “Luna Game 0”. Five minutes later, she was finished playing…and she had died.
That did it. Luna rose up to her full height. “THOU STUPID IDIOT INTERNET!!” she roared. “THOU HAST BEEN STRINGING US ALONG THIS WHOLE TIME, HOPING WE WOULD FALL INTO THY TRAP AND SPEND HOURS EACH NIGHT WASTING OUR TIME ON THEE!! BUT NAY! WE WILL NOT FALL UNDER THY SPELL…”
She felt her body suddenly growing taller, her teeth becoming needle-sharp, her wings changing shape. Her green eyes flashed, their pupils mere slits in their centers as the now-black alicorn screamed, “THOU UNGRATEFUL WHELP!!”
Then there was an explosion, and everything went black.
***
A few hours later, Luna groggily opened her eyes. Her head hurt, and she felt like she had just been through a great ordeal.
She raised her head, and after the world stopped spinning, she found that she lay in her bed…and Twilight Sparkle and her friends stood around her wearing their Elements of Harmony.
“…what? Huh? What happened?”
Celestia came forward. “You turned into Nightmare Moon and blew up the computer,” she said disapprovingly. “Bad princess! Bad Luna!”
Luna whimpered. “I’m so sorry, Sister. I don’t know what came over me! I was just so mad at the Internet!”
Fluttershy, her eyes wide, whispered, “The Internet?” She looked over at Celestia. “I warned you…” she practically mouthed. Needless to say, nopony heard.
“I know,” Celestia soothed. “It’s all right. I’ve decided that Equestria doesn’t need the Internet, and so I am sending out a proclamation that under no circumstances are ponies to use the Internet ever. I am also removing the Internet from all Equestrian computers.”
“Thank goodness,” Luna sighed. “Now no innocent filly will ever see a human man dressed up as them.”
Twilight and her friends looked at each other, confused. And then, from outside, they heard a shout.
“HUMANS?!?!”
THE END. Yay.
Author's Note
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