Hello Everypony, I Can Write Clopfic Two: Royal Flush

Princesses Luna and Celestia met up back in the castle for another long day of dealing with trifle Canterlot problems. Luna was there both as backup in case Celestia lost her temper and as self-imposed punishment for putting Celestia in a bad mood due to lack of sleep over the past couple nights. Their royal docket was stuffed with the usual minutia of the Canterlot nobility, re-minding both princesses that it was high time to relocate. They even had a nice excuse that would placate the trouble- makers: although they were able to ship Princess Cadence to the Crystal Empire, not only were both Celestia and Luna sharing a castle built for one princess, but now they had to acknowledge Twilight as a princess in residence, with all the trappings thereof. Even though Twilight spent most of her time in Ponyville, her official residence was Canterlot Castle. If Equestria did not need a princess on call at all time, the Crystal Castle was a big enough government centre for all four princesses. Their biggest logistical concern was that even if Twilight made the old Everfree castle her royal residence, Canterlot still could support one princess to the degree that the elite insisted upon long-term.

For now, the princesses were zoned out while some stallion petitioned them about zoning regulations, just as so many ponies who forget that their royalty have no concern about zoning other than heavy industry not be in Canterlot and the parklands remain undisturbed. Luna looked at the clock and saw that it was near lunchtime.

“Yes, talk to the Canterlot Zoning Board in room 36b, at the base of the astronomy tower,” Celestia said to dismiss the stallion, “Nex—”

“NO!” Luna intoned in a stage whisper, as she shot a hoof to silence her sister. She continued in a low voice, “it is almost lunch time and I have a bit of business to discuss. It’s important yet happy.”

“You have a point, Luna; let us vacate these thrones and relocate to the restaurant.”

The princesses went to lunch in the castle’s private restaurant to keep out visitors and make sure their conversation didn’t fall on the wrong ears. There, they made small talk with the waiters until they had food and a big enough pitcher to be left alone and not to need refills.

Once in privacy, Celestia started, “I suppose you brought me aside to brag about having solved your problem. I heard you resolve the issue perfectly clearly.”

“No, sister, it is not that. I know I am enthusiastic and a fan of the Royal Voice, so I know word that a new princess is ready for visitation would get around soon enough. Celestia, I called for an early private lunch to share good news about Princess Twilight Sparkle.”

“You helped her like I asked?”

“Yes! The situation was worse than I expected when I came in to help: she only had the touch of her hoof to stay sane.”

“That bad? I assumed she found at least one stallion to have an ill-advised night with when in Ponyville.”

“No, not even an unexpected intimate moment with one of her mare friends. Well, not until last night at least.”

“She had a friend with her?”

“Well, we invited her friend. I thought I should give her some proper practical training on princess duties rather than just on being a pegasus mare.”

“Which duty would you need to involve a fr—Oh! You explained how to use her princess privileges.”

“Yes. Remember Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash’s letter?”

“Yes, that was a wonderful report. It was the report I had hoped to hear from Twilight for such a long time.”

“Fluttershy had a libido to keep up with us. Rainbow Dash loves Fluttershy but is too busy keeping herself in the air to make love or think of such things enough to keep Fluttershy interested. The lack of copulation even hurt Fluttershy’s self-esteem. Twilight Sparkle and I showed her that Rainbow Dash was being serious when she calls her beautiful. I even introduced both ponies to the wonder of horn play.”

“I truly am glad to have you back. You’ve always been much better with mares than I, and you have all night to live the dreams and listen to the inner secrets of our subjects. I suspect that a few saved marriages later, the Canterlot locals will stop petitioning me to send you back to the moon.”

“Really? Over my use of the voice? If they attempt to BANISH me for that reason, THE DESTRUCTION WILL BE GREATER THAN LAST TIME! NEVER GET IN THE WAY OF A MARE IN HEAT!”

A few seconds passed. Luna noticed she had stood up and flared her wings in the heat of emotion and folded them back to her body and resuming her seat.

“Sorry, sister. I got carried away,” she said to a panicked Celestia.

After a short pause when she gathered her wits, Celestia responded, “There is a reason ‘never get in the way of a mare in heat’ is a mantra in our book.”

The mares turned to a gallop in the hallway and prepared for yet another ill-timed Canterlot invasion. Horns ready, they turned to the door to see a squad of the guard burst in, their horns also aglow.

“Princesses, is anything wrong?” Shining Armour asked, panicked.

“No, my sister got carried away about the local’s opinion of her. You should know how mares are when they get into heat.”

“Was that what the shooting was about? I’ll leave you two to your discussion, then. Have a good day.”

“Before you leave, I will have you know that all new members of the guard have passed my inspection,” Luna added before he left and she forgot to mention it.

The guards diffused their prepared spells and slowly retreated back to the hall to continue their duties of go back to the barracks. The princesses returned to the table and Luna took a long drink of water.

“Now you see why I do not use the Royal Voice anymore. How did it acquire the name of ‘Canterlot’ anyway? When we used it, we lived in the old castle that is now in the Everfree Forest.”

“I will not apologise. I just had the best lay in 1,442 years!”

“That long? It was over 400 years before the Nightmare incident since the last time it was that good? No wonder you went mad.”

“I had plenty of good times, between those times, but none as good as the ones I had with Starswirl.”

“You have a thing for having your best coitus with my top students, don’t you?”

“I will not say one way or another. They are rare enough to be exceptional in more ways than magical talent. If the noise is that much of an issue, why do we not rebuild the old castle and leave Twilight this one?”

“After our fight, the old castle is not repairable. I let the Everfree grow wild so that the dangers of the forest keep ponies well away from the dangers of the ruins. Even still, it seems that another foolhardy adventurer ends up hospitalised or dead from there every year. For that matter, even if we rescued the rest of the important stuff and assembled a team of unicorns to blast the place to a crater with magic, I think all the damaged protection spells may kill some of them.”

“Oh.”

The silence after was interrupted by a waiter taking the empty plates away and refilling the water. Luna was still thirsty from her outburst and drank most of it, Celestia finished off the container out of habit before getting up.

“Since you kept me up so much, I am going to nap. You can deal with the nobility however you wish except for roasting them over a pit.”

Luna followed Celestia out of their dining room into the hall back upstairs.

Celestia spoke to no one in particular, “I miss Applejack’s dad. Mr. S. Jobs. I helped him and his wife their marriage and taught them the fun way to make a foal. He–neigh!–every pony I’ve met from that family are some of the few mortal stallions I remember from the bed. What a strong member and such a well-built, sturdy composition...”

Celestia trailed off, and Luna noted that they would soon part ways: she would continue on the hallway before heading off to the throne room to the right, her sister was about to take a left up a tight staircase. Celestia mused again, “All this talk makes me want a good heat about now. You’ve had yours, so I think I will call for my guard to do their special duty after I rest.”

“Oh, Celestia?” Luna asked as Celestia was about to enter the stairway up to her quarters.

“Yes?” The older princess turned around.

“One last thing before your nap: Twilight was confused about the events that occurred in one of her friend’s letters to us until she re-enacted them. To prevent this in the future, we should have Twilight and her friends on Ponyville write in a journal for each other rather than in private letters to us,” Luna suggested. Celestia then finished retreating for a nap and Luna headed back downstairs to intimidate the Canterlot elite so they would solve their own petty problems and leave her to important matters, such as getting in touch with the Apple family to plan a visit to Ponyville.