The sun’s rays began to shine over the horizon and bathe it’s warm glow over a sprawling suburbia. The streets were empty save for the occasional early-morning jogger or crack head that didn’t quite make it home during the night. In one of these unremarkable streets, in an unremarkable house; something truly remarkable was about to unfold....
“HAHAHAHAHA! I’ve DONE IT!”
What was remarkable about this was not the sheer volume of the crazed house owner that sent nearby cats scurrying away in fear, but--
“Who are you callin’ ‘crazed’, eh? Fight me IRL, faggot!”
That’s.....weird....he wasn’t supposed to be able to hear that...
“Well you suck as a narrator, then!”
The crazed house owner’s screeches could be heard all over the street. Anyone that heard the man of questionable sanity, bad character and laughable hygiene chose to ignore his antics, however, as--
“Right, that’s it. You’ve done it now! Come ‘ere and I’ll show you how to narrate a fucking story!”
WHAM!
Hnnng! OW! N-no! Get away from me!
WHAM!
…....
Right, now that that’s all settled, it’s time I introduced this sad excuse for a story!
You could have just asked nicely, you know...
Shut up! Don’t question my motives!
….But I create your motives....how does that even work?!
WHAM!
…...........
Right, now that I’ve taken care of that, it’s time to actually start up this bitch! Oh, my bad, where are my manners? I’m Gary! Nice to meet ya! I’m a thirty year-old guy with a dead-end job working in a cubicle, a drinking....hobby, and a love for this awesome-as-fuck show called My Little Pony. If that says to you “this guy’s crazy” then get the fuck out of my house! You still here? Good! Now sit down and shut up. I’ve spent the last year working my ass off at home, taking time off from work and even cutting down to a measly two-hundred dollars per week for booze to finish this awesomely-cool project of mine! What is it? It’s just a little thing I like to call my BITCHIN’ PORTAL TO EQUESTRIA!!™ This sucker’s gonna be my ticket to the colourful cartoony crayola company-sponsored Canterlot (try saying THAT five times fast!) and will let me spend the rest of my days having a blast in a world that doesn’t include the IRS, Justin Bieber or Jehovah's Witnesses! Fuckin’ bliss, if you ask me! All I have to do now is turn on this beast and get going!
The--um.. perfectly sane house owner flipped the toggle switch attached to a massive circular ring that looked like a rip off from Stargate, but nothing happened....
Fahrk! I forgot the damn batteries!
What size?
D-batteries...
You couldn’t find any D-batteries??
Only at gas stations....and they’re just so darned expensive there....
….
Feh! Who cares! To the Gary-mobile!
Inexplicably out of nowhere, the Batman theme sounded as Gary bounded out the front door and over to his Ford Laser parked in the driveway.
That’s my iPod, you dumbass! ….wait...why do I even have this thing?!
Taking the earbuds out of his ears and carefully wrapping the headphones around the apple device, Gary carefully placed the iPod on a smooth surface before getting in his car and starting it up.
“SCREW CRAPPLE!” he shouted, as he roughly backed his car over the iPod that he had placed onto his driveway in the direct path of his tyres. Laughing maniacally, Gary careened down the street and screeched around the corner to the Seven-Eleven that would have taken thirty seconds longer if he had walked.
SHUT UP! Global warming is a myth!
Gary’s car skid sideways to a stop and took up three parking spaces; quite an achievement with his rusty Ford Laser... He jumped out of his automobile and jogged across the small parking lot and inside, whistling to himself as he approached the small area at the end of an aisle where the overpriced batteries were kept.
Overpriced is right! Who the FUCK pays thirty-three dollars for a two-pack of D-batteries?!
Grumbling darkly under his breath, Gary picked up two packets of D-batteries from the small shelf and shuffled over to the counter where the defenseless minority storekeeper was waiting expectantly.
“Umm, here. I’d like to get these.” The storekeeper nodded in confirmation and scanned the barcodes into the system, pressing a few buttons on the register as he went.
“That will be sixty-six dollars and eighty-five cents, sir. Would you be interested in buying a third packet? D-Batteries are three packets for seventy-five dollars today.” Said the Pakistani storeman in a cheerful and friendly voice.
“SIXTY-SIX DOLLARS?! ARE YOU FREAKIN’ KIDDING ME?”
“Not at all, sir, that’s what the machine says, would you like to see?” asked the storeman, carefully rotating the display of the register to face Garry, clearly showing the exact quoted price.
“FUCK THIS SHIT!” yelled Gary, seizing the D-Batteries and springing out the store before the storeman had a chance to react, the alarm blaring as he exited through the automatic door with the unpaid items.
“STOP THIEF!” yelled the storeman, running out from behind the counter and after the battery thief, grabbing a wooden baseball bat as he went. “NOBODY STEALS FROM MY SHOP!!”
Sprinting over to his car and opening the door, he quickly turned the ignition, only to have the car fail to start.
“FARHK!” he cried in frustration, frantically looking around his car for something that might provide a solution. He spotted his New iPad sitting on the back seat, right where he left it the day he was roped into buying it when he had foolishly wandered into the Apple store in town. Grinning, Gary grabbed the oversized paperweight that strangely passed for a semi-legitimate electronic device, stepped out of the car and shouted to the heavens:
“I FINALLY FOUND A USE FOR MY iPAD!” before tossing it like a frisbee right at the angry storekeeper giving chase. It did no good, however, as the apple product simply shattered the second it came into contact with the storeman’s unprotected forehead. Getting desperate, Gary felt around in his pockets, pulling out a few pennies, a toothpick, a packet of tic tacs and.....his old Nokia 3310.
“Take THIS, beyotch!” he screamed, throwing the monochrome phone at the Pakistani storekeeper. The 3310 sailed through the air and hit the man squarely in the chest, punching a nokia-shaped hole right through him before it continued along its trajectory and right into the gas pump behind him.
SHIT!
Gary jumped into his car and managed to start it up, tyres screeching as he started to drive like a bat outta hell away from the gas station before...
BOOM!
The gas station exploded as the all-powerful and mighty destructive blow from the Nokia 3310 made contact with the premium unleaded gas pump. Gary cheered and whooped with maniacal glee as he careened back down the street and into his driveway, ignoring the shocked neighbours and running inside with his precious D-Batteries.
….
….
…
“FAHRK!!! NNg! HNNNG! Ghaaaarrrrhhhg!”
What on Earth was wrong with Gary now?
I CAN’T OPEN THIS GOD-FORSAKEN PACKAGING!! GAAAAAHHHH! PACKAGING, THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE!
After around ten minutes of struggling, Gary finally managed to tear open the plastic packaging like a bear to a salmon; triumphantly holding the batteries above his head with glee.
“YEEEEh......fuck....i still have another package to go....this may take a while....”
~fifteen minutes later...~
“Okay, let’s try this again....” announced Gary, roughly shoving the batteries into a compartment and flipping the toggle switch...only for the portal to remain non-responsive.
“What the hell?! I put the ba--oh...”
You put the batteries in the wrong way, didn’t you?
SHUT UP! Nobody reads those plus-minus symbols!
Muttering darkly, Gary rearranged the batteries and stood back a third time, preparing to flip the switch, but paused at the last second.
“Wait, a moment like this calls for a drink!” Garry darted off into the kitchen and rummaged through his fridge, appearing a few seconds later with a glass of....punch?
*slllrrrrppp* Ah~! God, I love that punch...they’d BETTER have this stuff where I’m going...
Just as he was just about to flip the activation switch again, Gary interrupted by a sharp knock on the door.
Oh, for FUCK’S sake!
Opening his front door, Gary was greeted by a rather bored-looking man in a business suit, holding a clipboard in one hand and a small stack of paperwork in the other.
“Mr. Gary Stu?” he inquired in a formal tone.
“Yes? What is it? I’m kinda in the middle of something important!”
“I’m here to inform you that you have a number of outstanding fines that have drawn the attention of the city council...” he said, as he handed some paper to Gary. “You have well over three-hundred unpaid parking tickets, twenty counts of parking in a handicapped zone, forty unpaid speeding tickets and one count of a hit and run...”
“Hey! That asshole deserved it! He scratched my car!” The only response the man gave him was a raised eyebrow and an unamused look.
“Nevertheless, you are to repay the city council within two weeks. My regards, Mr Stu.” He tipped his hat and handed over the stack of paperwork before turning and leaving with a curt nod. Gary took one look at the first page of paperwork and saw the six-figure fine he was being forced to pay and snorted.
“Yeah, like that’s my problem!” he scoffed, throwing the papers in no particular direction. “Back to business!” he cried, practically bouncing with joy over the the finished circular portal before pausing one final time at the toggle switch. “Okay, here’s the moment I’ve been waiting for...months of preparation, dedication, sacrifice and a lack of booze.....I really should do something spectacular for this occasio--ah, screw it!” He cut himself off as he flipped the switch and the portal sprung into life. Briefly sitting down at the central console, Gary punched in his destination -- Ponyville, one-way. The plan was to begin in Ponyville and make his way to Canterlot to help avoid drawing attention. The ring rotated with a creak to start off, before picking up speed and a blue-white light blossomed into existence at it’s centre, spreading outwards to the edge of the ring and completing the gateway. There, on the other side of the portal was the bright and happy colourful world of Equestria. For the first time in years, Gary’s face lit up like a child given an in ice cream as he gazed into the portal and saw the world in which he was about to spend the rest of his life happily eating cake with Pinkie Pie, or finding out if Rainbow Dash’s mane really tasted like skittles.
“Well, here goes! SCREW YOU, city council, and SCREW YOU, IRS! I’mma goin’ where NO ONE can find me! Bwahahahaha!” He laughed with glee as he tied a rope around his waist and secured the other end onto a lever on the portal’s control panel labeled ‘self destruct’.
Hey, can’t be too careful, can I? Don’t want anyone else enjoying this and screwing it up for me, do I? The plan’s simple --
Haul-ass to Equestria
Destroy the machine so that I can’t get back -- and more importantly -- nobody can follow me
Enjoy!
After mulling over his plan of action, Gary grinned from ear to ear; seeing no flaws in his plan that could possibly come back to bite him in the ass.
“Equestria, here I come!”
He practically dived into the portal, his fit of giggles echoing throughout the room and the hum of the high voltage energy needed to run the contraption. The only motion in the living room was the trailing rope that followed Gary into the beyond.
Suddenly, a spark. Then an audible clunk. The portal machine crackled and hissed as blue-grey smoke began the pur from the central console. Sparks flew and cables snapped out of their sockets in every direction as a major malfunction took place right before the rope attached to our erm....hero reached the end of it’s tether and pulled the pin right out of the safety switch labeled “self destruct”. There was a loud “CLINK” that sounded exactly three seconds before an explosion that saw the complete destruction of the machine.....as well as most of the house surrounding it, flinging flaming chunks of machine, house and assorted household objects into the surrounding area...
~~*~~
“~This is the three o’clock news with Bob Sacamanto reporting. Earlier today there were two explosions in the sleepy suburbs that caused mild concern. A small petroleum station and a nearby suburban house were completely destroyed in fiery explosions that sent deadly shrapnel in all directions. Miraculously, only one person was killed -- a Pakistani store manager that was running the fuel station. Cause of death was probably a sizeable piece of shrapnel at high velocity to the chest cavity. While the cause of the explosion at the fuel station is unknown, the suburban residence of one Gary Stu, 30, was an illegal contraption of what appeared to be his own design. The purpose of the machine is unknown, although experts on the scene had this to say:”
“Thanks Bob. Here we have the scene of the suburban explosion and what’s left of Gary Stu’s house. Experts and the investigation team have not found the resident in question, but what’s left of his contraption is what some consider to be cause for concern. I have here Doctor Albert Snyder. What do you think about this, Doctor?”
“Well, we’re still unsure about the intended purpose of this machine, seeing as most of it was destroyed in the explosion, but suffice to say that the power requirements needed to operate it were well-outside the safe limits that the house’s circuitry were able to handle. It’s a wonder how this machine did not cause a county-wide black out.”
Thank you, Doctor Snyder. On another note, representatives of the IRS and the city council have commented that they are sorely disappointed with the apparent disappearance of Gary Stu, and that they WILL find a way to track him down for the several thousands of dollars owing to them in fines and tax evasion. Back to you, Bob!”
Thank you for that, John Johnson reporting with that on-the-scene exclusive. Coming up, the dangers of the new fad to hit the internet, the fourth incarnation of the children’s cartoon: My Little Pony. What this means for our internet comfort and why you as parents should be concerned of it’s overwhelming adult fanbase…”~
~~*~~
“Whooooooooooooohoooooo!!” Cheered Gary as he soared through a tunnel of multicoloured energy. Around him he saw flashes of ponies of all descriptions. He saw Berry Punch with a bottle of whiskey. He saw Twilight reading a book in the afternoon sun on a park bench. He saw Lyra Heartstrings sitting in her unusual way at a kitchen table, earning a disapproving look from Bon Bon. Oh, the glorious time he was going to have as a human in Equestria--not a fan fiction cliché at all! Behind him, he heard the muffled sound of the portal machine exploding. He grinned as his plan fell perfectly into place.
I’ll finally be rid of EVERYONE I hate! Including the incompetent narrator!
Wait...what??
But I didn’t listen to the bastard that somehow got the job of dictating my life events to the hordes of screaming fans on fimfiction.net. (Gary’s Note: This story BETTER get featured on the front page, or there’ll be hell to pay! Don’t make me use my powers of the Fourth Wall against you! Yes, YOU. I’m watching…..always….) I just laughed as I heard his annoying voice fade into nothingness as he left my life forever. And good riddance too! Who needs this annoying guy to dictate every little detail and critique my grammar? Hell, if the horde of my adoring fans want me to publish an entire chapter in nothing but text shortcuts, I will!
That aside, I could finally see the light at the end of the multi-coloured tunnel speeding towards me….and the tunnel becoming rapidly smaller. Now, I’m not claustrophobic by any sense, but I started to become a little concerned with the entire space-time tunnel crushing in on itself with me inside…
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!”
Okay, I was panicking! What would YOU have done when the all-powerful void of all-existence was pressing it’s weight in on you like being stuffed into a locker by the asshole in 9th grade gym class and being stuck in a sweaty confined space for hours on end until the creepy janitor finds you! …..Okay, maybe I am a little claustrophobic…
~hey guys! I'm here to let you know why the font changed just now. The author figured that all that constant bold-italics would be kinda hard on the eyes, so he's switched to regular text here. Silly author, he forgot to tell you! Anyway, enjoy this scene! See ya!~
Just as I thought I was going to be crushed into oblivion, there was a faint “POP” and my world was obscured by blinding light. It took me about thirty seconds to realise that it was bright sunlight shining directly onto my face. Feeling kinda groggy, I opened one of my eyes. I was lying on the ground, my face half-buried in the dirt of an alleyway framed by huge buildings that towered well-over fifty metres. Inwardly, I sighed. This can’t be Ponyville. There are no buildings there over four floors high…..maybe I overshot my portal and ended up in Manehatten? I opened my other eye lazily and took a look at the ground….It was a dirt street….no pavement at all….if I were in Manehatten, the streets would be paved, right? I tried to get up and take a look around, but the second I tried to move a muscle, my whole body shook with pain and I yelped in agony…..or, at least I tried to yelp…...the sound that came out of my mouth sounded more like a high-pitched gurgle than anything else….I didn’t even know I could make that sound….
So I just lay there, taking in the situation and wishing I could move right about now, when I heard the telltale clip-clop of an approaching pony.
“Awwww, hey there, little guy! Are you okay?”
OMFG! I KNOW THAT BRIGHT AND PERKY VOICE FROM ANYWHERE! I looked up at the source of the voice and my vision was overcome with the bright pink of Ponyville’s one and only premier pink party pony--
“PINKIE PIE!!!” I shouted...or I tried to….all that came out was the same weird high-pitched croaking...it was starting to tick me off a little that I couldn't ask Best Poni for a hug or one of her famous cupcakes, so I ended up having a tantrum and struggling in my fetal position in the dirt...
“Aww, you poor little guy, you must be lost! Don’t worry, Pinkie’s gonna take good care of you! I’ll bring you home until you get better, ‘kay?” Little? feh, I didn’t even notice how she was talking to me because of the initial hype that I was actually talking to freakin’ Pinkie Pie. But now something was bothering me….ponies are little….and she’s calling ME little….maybe ponies are bigger than I thought they were? I took a second look now that she was right next to me and--HOLY CELESTIA AND BANANA SHIPPING, SHE’s HUGE! My thoughts were cut off when Pinkie bent down and picked me up from the ground with her mouth.
Oh god….my shoulder’s in Pinkie’s mouth! err..NO! Bad thoughts, GO AWAY! *ahem* I clenched my eyes shut and shook my head vigorously to dismiss my dirty mind, but when I opened my eyes again, the scenery had changed.
How…? Now I was inside what was unmistakably Sugarcube Corner. I could see Mrs Cake at the counter serving a random background pony some cookies.
~~*~~
“Hay, Mrs Cake, lookie what I found in the back alley behind Quills and Sofas!”Exclaimed Pinkie as she bounded over to the counter.
Mrs Cake was used to Pinkie Pie being...well, Pinkie Pie, but bringing home pets like this was a new phenomenon.
“Pinkie, dear, you can’t keep bringin strays in like this...just make sure you’re careful this time, okay? Remember what happened last time?”
“Hay, how was I supposed to know that dogs can’t eat chocolate? It was an honest mistake, I tell you! Anyways, I’m gonna go help this little guy up in my room, okay? TAG! You’re it!”
“Pinkie--*sigh*” Mrs Cake had long-ago given up trying to understand Pinkie. She merely went back to her work at the front counter.
~~*~~
I couldn’t believe it! I’m in Pinkie Pie’s room! I tried to dance with joy, but my muscles burned in protest, so all I could manage was a small fidget. As if reading my discomfort, Pinkie dropped me onto the floor and bounced over to a cupboard.
“Don’t worry, Fluttershy says this stuff will make anypony feel better! It should work just fine for you!” She grabbed some random container and shoved something in my mouth before I could even protest. As if on cue, I swallowed. Almost instantly, my insides felt like they were full of mexican jumping beans. I felt itchy. I started to fidget, but it only got worse. I HAD to get up and jump around! Without even thinking, I managed to jump up and down on the spot and in a bunch of random directions in a vain effort to make the feeling go away.
“Awww, see? It works!”
I Stopped dead in my tracks. Pinkie played a trick on me! Well, it DID manage to get me up and about, so I can’t complain too much… It was now that I finally managed to get a good and proper look at my surroundings, seeing as I wasn’t stuck in a fetal position. My GOD, everything was HUGE. Pinkie herself must have been five metres tall! That CAN’T be right! Maybe I didn’t calibrate the teleporter properly? I tried to speak again, but that damned noise was the only thing that escaped my mouth. ARGHH! This is sooo frustrating! I’m in Ponyville, everything’s way too big and I can’t effing talk!
“You’re welcome! Now don’t go anywhere, I’ll be right back, ‘kay?” Pinkie bounced out of the room and shut the door behind her, leaving only silence in her room. I sighed--or TRIED to effing sigh, but apparently I’m not allowed to do that either. Is there there something wrong with me?!
I managed to walk over to a massive mirror in the corner of the room to get a good look at myself. Maybe I damaged myself on the way over here? That would explain why I can’t talk….
As I wandered in front of the mirror, I couldn’t see myself--only Pinkie’s stupid pet alligator, Gummy blocking my view. GUMMY, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY, I’M TRYING TO SEE IF--I stopped right there and froze. The alligator in the mirror did the same. I lifted up my left arm and the alligator in the reflection followed suit. I jumped on the spot and the alligator copied my every move perfectly. NONONONO, THIS CAN’T BE WHAT I THINK IT IS!!! NO-FUCKING-WAY!
Just as I was in the middle of my spasm/temper tantrum, Pinkie Pie re-entered the room with a confused-looking Fluttershy (SQUEE!).
“Check it out, Fluttershy, I got a new pet! It’s a baby alligator!”
“Um, Pinkie, I was in the bathtub…….”
“Isn’t he just adorable? Look, he’s dancing!”
“Um, well...err, yes, it’s kinda cute, I guess….Do you have a name for him yet?”
“Hmm….” Pinkie tapped her hoof to her mouth as she thought very hard what to call her new hyperactive pet alligator with no teeth. “I know! He’s got no teeth, so I’ll call him Gummy! Thanks narrator, that really helped me there!” Err….thanks, I guess….(how the hell did she do that?!).
“Umm….Pinkie, who are you talking to?”
“Oh, don’t worry about it.” She said simply, rolling her eyes playfully.
My insanity-inducing fit of spasms came to an abrupt end when I felt Pinkie pick me up with her hooves and hold me up to her face with an impossibly huge smile on her face.
“Welcome to your new home, Gummy!”
Well, shit….
Shit…
Shit…
I’m screwed…..
Author's Note
Okay! I've gone over the chapter and clean-up is finally over! Maybe if I feel up to it, there will be another one on the way...
