Bad Company in Human Horsey-Land

by Symphony

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Human, Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2755

When Jay figures out that there is a way for him to go to a world with humans, he jumps on the opportunity to get away from the ponies. Things turn out not as he expected, and he is not happy about it. At all.

When Jay figures out that there is a way for him to go to a world with humans, he jumps on the opportunity to get away from the ponies.

Things turn out not as he expected and he is not happy about it. At all.

Equestria Girls crossover, you have been warned.

Published 2013-09-09 12:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-09 12:40:01 UTC

Ch. 1 - ...Where are we even going?

The recently coronated Princess Twilight Sparkle and Princess Celestia walked side-by-side along one of the many halls in the Crystal Castle. The smaller alicorn's mind was analyzing every single thing that could easily go wrong in her latest task.

”But... If I'm going to a world nopony has ever been in... How will I know how to act? What would I do if I would become injured?” Twilight's ears fell back. Princess Celestia placed a comforting hoof on her fellow princess' shoulder. Twilight looked up at the magenta eyes of her teacher.

”Twilight, I said that nopony could come with you. I have arranged a guide for you, someone who knows the ways of the creatures you will meet.” Celestia stopped in front of a door and waited for Twilight to join her. When the smaller pony was beside her, Celestia opened the door.

”Yo, Sunbutt! The food in this place is craptacular!” A male voice called from the room and a plate flew through the open door, breaking against the wall and splattering the contents on it. The color in Twilight's face drained and her pupils became barely visible pinpricks.

”Please... No, not him... Anyone but him!” Twilight started panicking. Princess Celestia ignored her pleas.

”Of course it's terrible Jay. I was the one who requested that you would be sent something to eat, after all...” Celestia smirked.

”I should've known...” The human shook his head as he slung a backpack over his shoulder. ”Ready to go, or are we waiting for Twilight's brain to recompose?” Jay asked as he leaned toward the wall with his hands in his pockets.

”Just give her a moment and she'll be fine.” Celestia replied. She turned to the human with a serious look. ”Now Jay, it's important that you do not allow her to fail in her task. The fate of Equestria depends on it.”

”Sure, whatever. Let's just get on with it already.” He answered with a shrug. ”It's not like I have anything better to do anyway.”

”Yes, it's not like you have a job or anything.” Celestia said nonchalantly as she levitated the still stiff Twilight Sparkle beside her. Jay turned to Celestia and jabbed a finger in her direction.

”It's not my fault that you ponies are racist enough to never offer me any jobs!” Jay countered.

”We're not racist, we just prefer to have all jobs done without issues. And I have a hard time believing that you would do something without complaining like a little filly about it.” Celestia smirked. Jay stared at her with a neutral expression, then slowly lifted his right hand with only his middle finger raised.

”Just let me have my own crazy conspirational theories to myself, you can keep all your pesky logical answers. It's funnier and way more interesting that way.” Jay replied. Princess Celestia chuckled and opened a door and walked inside the room. Jay followed.

The room was sparsely furnitured, with only a mirror in the middle of the room and a red carpet leading the way to the mirror. Beside the mirror stood the princess of the night, Luna and Princess Cadence. Spike stood beside them, nervously twiddling his claws. Twilight Sparkle looked at the mirror, then to Celestia.

”Is that the portal?” Twilight asked her mentor, who nodded. ”What is Spike doing here..? I thought this was a top secret thing."

”Spike wanted to say goodbye, and he refused to stay outside with the others.” Princess Cadence said, glancing at the dragon who crossed his arms.

”Hooray, I'm important!” Jay hollered and waved his arms. The ponies rolled their eyes and ignored the human.

”It is.” Princess Luna answered Twilight. ”This is an ancient mirror with a spell on it which allows it to have a constant uplink to the dimensional leylines. But every 30 moons, it's disabled and is forced to be recharged. Once it its fully charged like now, it is open for a total amount of three days.” Luna said, glancing to the younger princess. ”I hope you are ready for this task, Twilight Sparkle and Jay the Human.”

”I trust that both of you realize the importance of your task. As if you fail, both our world and the world you're heading to will perish.” Celestia said in a grave tone. ”So, do you understand your task?

”Yes, Princess.” Twilight answered with a smile.

”Nope.” Jay stated. The ponies stared at him, and Princess Cadence eventually facehoofed.

”Just... Just go into the portal already...” Luna muttered. ”And remember, three da-”

”Don't give a shit, I'm pumped, let's do this before I see something else that makes me focus on that instead.” Jay said, jumping on one spot and stretching his arms. ”CHAAAAAAARGE!” He ran toward the mirror, and jumped when he was close to it with his arms stretched forward. ”Oh God, that's painful!” His voice echoed.

Twilight took a deep breath, then bit her lip and ran into the portal after him. Spike glanced at the portal, then to the princesses, then back at the portal. Before anypony could react, Spike bolted toward the portal and jumped inside behind her.

THEME SONG

Author's Note

YEAH WELL, THIS HAPPENED. KINDASORTAMAYBE.

Ch. 2 - Welcome to Humanity

”Oh God... I don't remember it hurting this much the last time I went through one of those dimensional...whatever they're called again.” Jay said as he brought his hands to his face and sighed. ”Now let's see here...” He opened his eyes and removed his hands from his face, then started checking himself for any eventual lost limbs.

”Ten fingers, good, good... Two eyes, wouldn't want to lose those... Hair, check. Nose is where it should be... Two ears... And... HOH GOD WHY DO I HAVE A SOULPATCH” He shot to his feet, only to nearly stumble. Horror dawned on him as he looked down to see...

”Holy shit, I've turned into a motherfucking Ken doll...” His waist was slimmed, his legs had become much longer. And if he wasn't mistaking, he had grown a few inches. ”Augh, how the hell did I get these shit clothes on me?” He pulled on his shirt, a red t-shirt with the symbol of what looked like a black tribal phoenix.

He had to admit, it looked badass. Over the shirt he wore a black zip-hoodie with the sleeves rolled up and a pair of blue jeans. His shoes were black and white, and the lace was black. ”So this is what I'll be wearing for a few days, huh...”

A groan a few feet away from him reminded him of Twilight, who was slowly sitting up. Jay walked up to her and crouched beside her. ”You feeling alright there, Twi?”

”No... I've got a really bad headache... How did you manage to go through one of those dimensional portals three times...?” She said miserably. Jay rolled his eyes.

”First time it was curiosity. I did it because I was pissed at a door and busted it open, only to end up in your library somehow where I decided to take a walk as you had your little nerdgasm... Second time was necessity as I went through was because I was chased by a mob of angry small horses and was kinda-sorta panicking, where I found you blowing up my laptop...” Jay glared at her, and she smiled sheepishly.

”And the last one was because of stupidiy and alcohol mixed to perfection. I was completely shitfaced and had no idea what I was doing, or where I was going.” Jay shrugged. ”And uh... You may, or may not want to look down. You don't exactly look the same.” Twilight stared at him with a raised eyebrow.

”Why? What could be so bad abo-By Celestia's bearded grandmother, I'm one of you!” Twilight stared at her hand and fingers in complete shock. She started breathing faster as her eyes ran down her arm, then to her chest. ”What are these...” She held her hands over her breasts. ”They're soft and... Are these my legs?” Twilight laid back and lifted her legs, still holding her hands on her boobs.

Jay stared at the situation unfolding with his mouth wide-open. ”Twilight, what the fuck are you doing?!” He hissed at her. Twilight looked up at him with innocent eyes.

”I'm... Just exploring my new body...” Twilight said, unsure of why Jay was suddenly so flustered.

”...Fuck you karma...” Jay whispered, then held a hand out for the altered princess. ”C'mon, grab my hand and I'll help you up.” Twilight did as he said and slowly reached up for his hand. Jay grabbed her hand and pulled her up. Twilight tripped and stumbled forward, only to be caught by Jay, accidentally embracing him as she fell forward. They stared at eachother in silence for a few seconds, but broke apart in a moment's notice.

Twilight looked around, to see that they appeared to be standing in some kind of park, right next to a big building. Behind her was a big statue. She walked toward the statue and held her hand to the side of the statue, only to have her hand break the magical surface and push through to the other side. ”This is where we came through, and where we will leave later on.”

Jay nodded, then looked to the building north of the statue. ”Whoever stole your crown must have gone in there, it's the most plausible thing I can think of right now.”

”Where did you learn about tracking lost artefacts?” Twilight asked as they slowly started walking toward it.

”I watched a shitload of Indiana Jones.” Jay replied with a shrug

”Who's Indiana Jones?”

”Uh... He's kinda the Daring Do of my world, but Indy's way more awesome then some stupid orange pony.” Jay said. Twilight looked at him with an unamused expression. Jay paused and looked behind him. Twilight stared at him in confusion, but then looked behind them as well.

A small purple puppy with light green ears came running toward them with its tongue hanging out the side of his mouth. Jay's face lit up as he crouched when the dog came closer. ”Well hello there, little bro... Hey Twi, this puppy looks a lot like Spike!”

”Probably because I am Spike...” The puppy spoke. Jay stared at Spike in silence for several seconds, then looked to Twilight who seemed confused, then back to Spike.

”I must've gotten a hell of a concussion, 'cause that dog just talked to me.” Jay snickered. Spike growled.

”I am talking and stop questioning it, just go with it Jay.” Spike said. Jay facepalmed.

”Of fucking course there'd be talking dogs... I should've realized this way sooner... The shit I've seen.” Jay hissed through gritted teeth. ”Fine, you're talking. And you're my bro.” Jay said with finality and stood up, stretching his back. ”But if I burn something down, I'll say that the talking purple and green puppy convinced me to do it. Deal?” Jay held out his fist to Spike, who bumped the fist with a paw.

”Can we get going now? The sooner we find my crown, the sooner we can go home...” Twilight said with a huff. ”I don't want to stay in this body for longer than I have to.” Jay and Spike nodded. Twilight got down on her fours and started walking.

”Err... Twilight... What are you doing?” Jay said with a chuckle.

”I'm walking, isn't that obvious?” Twilight answered with a glare.

”Tell me, have you ever seen me walking like that?” Jay said as he walked beside her. Twilight shook her head. ”Yeah, and that's because humans are bipedal. We walk on just our legs. We just crawl around on our fours for a short time when we're really young.”

”Oh...” A blush of embarassment appeared on Twilight's cheeks as she slowly stood up and rubbed her right arm sheepishly.

”You know what? I'm gonna lay down a few rules that you have to follow when you're here, alright?” Jay held his arms behind his back and stopped. Twilight nodded at his suggestion.

”Rule one; Always. Wear Clothes. You never know what kind of creep who can be watching you. Be it Grabby Tim, or just a normal Peeping Tom. Either way they'll have a merry 'ol time if they see ya running around in your birthday suit.” Jay said, holding up one finger. He raised a second finger.

”Rule two; Don't run off anywhere without me knowing where you are. Shit, if Celestia would get to know I lost her student in a different dimension, I would be more than one kind of fucked. Not any pleasant kinds as well.” Jay's serious expression unnerved Twilight. He raised a third finger.

”Rule three; Situational awareness. Since the inhabitants here are human, there are bound to be the short-tempered ones who will fuck you up within a second if you even look at them in a way they don't like.”

”Are humans really that aggressive?” Twilight asked with a raised eyebrow. Jay coughed. ”Oh right...” Finally, Jay raised a fourth finger.

”Rule four, and this one is the most important; Don't talk about Equestria, or what you and Spike really are. Chances are that you'd be sent to a loony bin and Spike would be taken away somewhere. Just act casual, do as I do but cut down on the swearing, fighting and general asshole behaviour. And Spike?”

”Yeah?” The dog asked as he lowered his leg.

”Don't talk at all when near people and... If you piss on me again I will personally neuter you with a rusty can opener.” Jay glared at the dog, who wimpered and hid behind Twilight. Twilight picked up Spike as they walked up the short staircase leading to the entrance.

Twilight casually flipped her hair, leaned slightly forward closed her eyes... Then promptly slammed her face to the door. Jay laughed hard at the display and clutched his sides with his hands.

”Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention... Humans don't have any magic.” Jay smirked.

”What?!” Twilight panicked. Her pupils shrank as the realization hit her. ”That's just... Absurd!”

”Heh, just think what I would have done to Ponyville if humans would have had magic...” Jay snickered. Twilight and Spike's faces paled and they shuddered in unison. ”So yeah, humans shouldn't have magic.”

”You've made your point, now let's go inside. I'm starting to get cold out here... Twilight reached for the door and pushed. The door opened and the trio walked inside.

Once inside the building, Twilight marveled at the sight of the great hall which spread in several direction into smaller corridors. Jay didn't look exactly as thrilled as Twilight, though.

A sour expression washed over his face. ”Oh man, it's way worse than I thought...” He thought aloud.

”What?” Twilight questioned. ”How can this be bad? This place looks great!” Twilight said, still looking around the room.

”Yeah, you may think that it doesn't look too bad, but I know what happens in a place like this... Terrible things...” Jay muttered.

”But... What's wrong with it? What is this place?” Twilight said, quickly losing interest in the building.

”We're in a High school....” Jay said with obvious disgust. Twilight arched an eyebrow.

”What's so bad about a school?” Twilight said. ”From what I've seen so far, this place looks great!” She chirped. ”I would love to go to a school like this.”

The bell rang. Jay's eyes widened and he grabbed Twilight's arm and pulled her to him before she could protest. The doors in the hall opened and students started filing out into the hall. Twilight scooped up Spike, who yipped in surprise. Jay started walking toward the wall, glaring at students as they randomly walked into him. He turned around and leaned toward the wall, released Twilight and crossed his arms.

”Of all the places we would go... We had to go to a fucking high school...” Jay muttered as he glared daggers at a teenager who slowed down in front of him. The student gulped and increased his pace.

”Nevermind, I think I can get us around. No worries, right Twilight?” Jay turned to the girl, who had disappeared. He sighed heavily, picked up Spike and pushed his way through the crowd, earning a few glares from many of them.

Author's Note

I FORGOT TO WRITE ONE OF THESE HERE YAY!