What Planet Is This?

by The Drifting Bard

Rating: everyone
Tags: Adventure, Random, Human, Comedy
Length: 4006

currently being re-written into a more developed kind of thing...

never…never listen to the cowboy bebop soundtrack whilst re-reading some old crap you wrote… i did and was it in the nuts with the sock-full-of-billiard-balls-of-inspiration.

sometimes I get an idea which just doesn't want to work, other times i get an idea which does.
save for… 2 fics (TMDGB and Fixing a pinkie promise) my endevours have been terrible.

so here's this new idea… re-attempting Humanization.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-05-17 22:46:37 UTC

a dodgy start

Blackness, howling winds and a distinct sound of screaming…

That was the first thing I remembered.

I was falling through a dark void, the wind rushing through my hair.

My voice grew hoarse with all the not-so-manly screaming.

At the end of the void, there was a blinding white light.

A voice echoed from the light sounding like a tv report. “…was found dead in a car accident…”

“Oh that’s just Prime” I grumbled to myself.

As the light slowly drew closer and closer, I simply waited for a swift end.

“so basically, I’m dead… and this is the road to hell?” I asked rhetorically.

“Kinda,” a voice echoed through a now blinding white enclosure.

The white was making my eyes hurt. “That body is a construct, replacing you three seconds before your estimated time of death” the voice continued.

“Erm… Mr Freeman? Could you turn down the brightness levels please?”

Within moments, Morgan Freeman stood in front of me, smiling away.

“How’s this?”

“Much better, thanks”

“Before you ask, technically you are dead… but just in a different plane of existence”

“Inter-dimensional travel?”

“Pretty much” Morgan Freeman replied with a slight chuckle.

“So… you’re god?”

“Define god… I’m really just a viewer”

I looked at him up and down for a moment. “Let me guess, I’ve been chosen to hop from dimension to dimension, solving problems like a second rate Superman or Sherlock?”

“Kinda, you’re going to be…well… ahh screw it” he chuckled again.

He ushered me to a lone door which materialized out of nowhere.

“Go on now, it’ll be safe” he began to laugh at a hidden joke… or perhaps a prank.

I opened the door, “no way…. No way” I was pushed.

I began to plummet to the surface.

“This is going to suck” were the only words that could escape my mouth.

Did I forget to mention I don’t like heights?

with the everpresent danger of crashing down to the surface below, i panicked.

i endlessly tried to flap my arms like wings, but to no avail... it didnt work.

i then crossed my arms, thinking of any other way to move. i noticed the waterfall in a forest.

it was my only option. i began to swim in midair, getting my trajectory sorted out.

after a while, i decided to throw caution to the wind.

i spread my arms out, accepting the fact that whatever happens, happens.

i hit the water, pain spread throughout my body.

i swam to the surface but was quickly thrown out of the river via waterfall.

landing in the water for the second time, i clambered up the river bed.

the calmness of the running water set my mind at ease.

there wasnt alot i could do except climb a tree and get comfortable.

looking up at the night sky, i heard a roar.

"well...thank you very much Morgan" i huffed.

i jumped down and hid in a bush.

the forest itself was teeming with life, nocturnal creatures came out to play...or more specifically, hunt.

i was in major trouble. with nothing to protect me, i simply stayed still.

all until a bizarre looking creature came sniffing at the bush i was in. i looked over the creature,

it had a lions body... but a scorpion's tail.. complete with stinger.

i had a slight lapse of judgement.

i ran out of the bush shouting "OHSWEETMERCIFUCK" i tripped over a root, landing face first into mud.

it wasnt going to be my week. i thought back...

what would bear ghryls do?... oh wait.... drink his own piss i thought.

it was lucky that i had seen this creature before, after watching an episode of My Little Pony...

yeah, i know, it sounds silly doesnt it, but when you think about it...

it's been a few days since i watched the latest episode. but never the less, i should really concentrate on the matter at hand... like figuring out where the hell i was... and what the hell was chasing me.... and how to get rid of it.

i finally realized what it was...

"FUCKING MANTICORE!!!" i ran as fast as my legs could carry me.

problem was... my legs carried me deeper into the jungle.

i ran to the ruins of a castle, but i was backed up against a wall.

"no way... not dying here, after all that running" i was out of breath.

the manticore drew closer, i stood up.

i looked around for something to use as a makeshift weapon.

oddly enough, there was a 6ft long wooden pole leaning against the wall. "that's bloody conveniant"

i quickly rolled out of the way, avoiding swipes from claws.

"no need to rush" i stood up and assumed a position.

i began to put up a fight.

the manticore swiped at me again, i simply thwacked its paws. "bad kitty"

it raised its stinger, roaring once again. it brought its stinger down to strike me, i simply twirled the staff around.

catching its poison sting in the wood. it whimpered as i yanked its stinging tip from it's tail, leaving a sharp point embedded into the pole.

"now bugger off" i huffed, again, still out of breath. now i know how the doctor's companions felt.

it fled. i then wandered back to the wall.

i slumped down against the wall and attempted to fall asleep.

not long after, i was nudged awake by a pair of pink hooves. i grunted as i stood up, still grasping the pole in my hands.

"huh?" i looked in confusion.

i looked at the Zebra stripped woman in a hooded cloak, standing in front of me. i kept quiet. i somehow recognized her from a certain show.

i sighed, upon seeing a fearful yet questioning face. i leant on the pole for extra support. looks like i'm not in Kansas anymore

they watched as i scratched the back of my head, while in deep thought.

i finally plucked up the courage.

"What Planet is this?"

what's in a name

what planet is this?

the woman looked at me in confusion for a moment.

then she spoke. "you are within the everfree, home to creatures dark and me"

i looked around, and sighed. "you still didnt answer my question"

"the answers you seek, are beyond that peak" she said as she pointed towards a path. the path led to a hill.

"thanks" she left without a word.

i wandered down the path, still trying to figure out whether this was the real one, or an alternate version.

never the less, i needed answeres, that was for certain. finally exiting the forest after what seemed like two hours of walking, i plonked myself down on a nearby log.

as i twirled the pole in my hand briefly, i heard a sqeuak and a "oh my, i'm sorry Angel"

i caught the pole midspin and stood up. "Hello?" i heard a second squeak.

the feminine voice echoed my hello.

i then walked up as a white bunny rabbit shot me a very grouchy look. "whoa, mister rabbit, i dont think Hateful looks are going to help me" i chuckled.

the pink haired woman looked at me in fear. "y-your hurt"

"i am?.. thats news to me" i began to pat myself down. but it was at that point i noticed something.

"you...youve got wings" i stated the obvious.

she glanced at me in confusion before she placed a hand on an open wound.

i winced, blurted out an explitive, and she shrunnk back. "oh i'm sorry"

"Don't be, at least now i definately know i'm hurt" i grinned.

she simply grabbed me by the arm and began dragging me to her house.

"er.. scuze me miss, but... what are you doing?"

she suddenly squeaked, and hid a blush behind her hair. one could say she almost looked...cute .

"just getting a... first aid kit" was all she said.

after a while, she had told me to take my shirt off.

"heh, couldn't wait to get my top off could ya" she suddenly blushed and hid behind her hair again.

"whats your name anyways?" i asked her.

i listened but got no answer... until i made a rather bold move, and brushed her hair out of her face.

she looked up, still blushing. "i'm Fluttershy"

"well, heh, your name does suit you well" i chuckled slightly. " my name's.... ah... damn it... too many names have been given to me in the past" i sighed. she looked at me for a moment.

"heh, i'll just list them off until you hear one you like, okay fluts?"

"fluts?" she gave me a shy yet quizzical look.

"what?... can't i give a nickname to a new friend?"

i began to list off different names i had gone by...

until i heared a squeak. "Ziggy... Ziggy Blues... i like that one"

"well, then... Ziggy Blues it is" i chuckled.

she opted to walk with me into town, claiming she wanted to introduce me to her friends.

i still had the staff, twirling it on my side as i simply learned more about fluttershy, she's a sweetheart i swear.

"and thats how i got my Cutie mark" with out me even asking, she lifted up her top, revealing three pink and yellow butterflies dancing along her hips. "eheh... you really didn't need to do that" i grinned.

"oh.. i'm sorry, what about you? do you have a cutie mark?"

i parted my hair and shown her my scars "not sure if these count" i chuckled.

"oh my..what happened?"

"in one word?... school, other than that... i dont really have one of those...Cutie marks unless you count this" i smiled.

and pulled up my trouser leg revealing a tattoo of a thor's hammer. "its more of a simple symbol than anything else"

"what's your special talent then?" she asked.

"Special talent?... i suppose you could say it's my iron will"

"oh... well, umm... heres the library" she knocked on the door.

a voice called out, saying "i'm coming" the door was opened by a small, scaled dragon boy.

"um... hi?"

answered with questions.

"um... hi?" i weakly smiled with an edge of worry.

"oh hey Fluttershy," the dragon smiled. "Who's this?"

"oh um.. this is Ziggy Blues... just thought i'd introduce him to you and Twilight"

i visibly shuddered. "whats wrong with him?" the llittle dragon asked.

"don't ask, kid" i simply chuckled.

"im not a kid" the dragon retorted.

"shouldnt you be in school? your wearing uniform"

before the dragon could answer, a second voice suddenly emerged from the library. "Spike? who is it"

"its Fluttershy and some new guy" the dragon, now identified as Spike shouted in reply.

"oh, just a minute" i heard the soft thud of a book hitting a desk.

we were ushered in by Spike. "hello, i'm Twilight Sparkle" she introduced her self.

"ah, i'm Ziggy Blues, pleased to make your aquantiance" i smiled.

Fluttershy simply hummed to herself while looking at some romance novels.

"sooo... erm.. how do i put this" Twilight watched me rack my brain.

"well., where are you from?" she asked. i simply stared at her for a good few minutes memorizing her features.

her purple hair accented with a streak of pink. the studious eyes gazing into mine like reading an open book.

"well... can i asnwer that in a form of a question?" i asked.

"sure" she smiled.

"ok then, What planet is this?" i asked with a straight face.

"wha...what?" she looked confused. "this is the planet Earth, the country of equestria"

"wow... that was actually a pretty staight forward answer, mind you at least i alreadyknow the town name... Ponyville"

she smiled at my logic.

suddenly there was another set of knocks at the door. "hey twi? theres a strange guy walking around with fluttershy, we're a bit worried he might try somethin" the door was burst open by a pink haired woman who obviously had too much sugar.

i simply waved at them with a calm expression, but soon had to block a kick from a stetson wearing southern-belle.

her leg was stopped by my right arm. "what the hay? no-one can stop a kick from Applejack, not even me!" a rainbow-haired girl who seemingly looked like a lesbian exclaimed. "eh, i can see why" i chuckled, after  rubbing the arm i blocked with. "ah..wha... sorry about that sugarcube, ah jus thought you was going to hurt my friend here" she pointed to fluttershy.

"hey, no problem, sounds like something i would do too" i grinned. now that i knew where i was, i would have no problem attempting to fit in.

"anyways..." i looked at Twilight, i had noticed she had a horn proturding out of her head. "forgive me for asking but... how many races are there on this world twilight?" the others were shocked. well apart from spike, twilight and fluttershy.

"well, you have the Magi,"she pointed to her horn. "the seraphs" she pointed to Fluttershy's wings, "and the earthers"

she simply pointed to the pink haired bundle of bouncing....damnit... shake the thought SHAKE THE THOUGHT!!!!

the pink haired woman simply looked at me with a cheeky smile. i didn't want to know what she was thinking.

she simply sat there and grinned, then disappeared. "oh, don't mind her..thats Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie"

something about that woman was... strange to say the least...yep...strange but... alluring.

"so, introductions are in order..again, i'm Ziggy Blues"

they all seemed to smile. "ahm Applejack, i run the stall for Sweet Apple Acres, best damn apples in the whole of equestria" she grinned.

"i'll have to try one at some point" i grinned.

the rainbow haired one chimed in "i'm rainbow dash," i watched as the others began to mouth her exact words " the fastest flyer in equestria" she boasted.

"wanna prove it? my feet versus your wings" i chuckled.

"your on" she glared.

"ah, hello darling," darling? whatever "my name is Rarity... i run the carousel boutique..and may i say it is nice to see a man with refined clothing tastes, even if they are a bit dirty"

"yeah.. thats what waking up in the everfree forest gets ya" i smiled.

"well, feel free to stop by if you need anything darling" she smiled.

"oh um...sure"

after they all left, i was met with a final question. "so where are you staying?"

"under the stars i suppose" i sighed.

"oh my, we cant have that can we, y-you can stay at mine" Fluttershy smiled.

"o-or mine" Twilight added, it almost seemed liek they were...

"are you two arguing over me?...jeez, im flattered....however...since i dont really have much in possesions i shall...sofa surf" i chuckled, incase no-one knows what sofa surfing is.. its the act of simply going from one house to anohter, staying for one night. "oh," twilight wa about to put in her two Bits...but i stopped her. "and seeing as Fluts helped me today, i shall stay with her for tonight, giving her a hand with her animal friends in return" i smiled.

they both listened. "after all, one good deed deserves anohter" i smiled.

the gift basket

i brought you a bass...but i smashed it!

as i walked along beside Fluttershy, she simply hummed a small tune... a tune i recognized so well.

i began to hum it too. witha smiel emblazoned on my face. "oh, you know it too?" she asked with an air of wonder about her.

"eh.. a little bit" i scratched the back of my head sheepishly. we walked along the path until the cottage was in sight.

"so... you live there?... its... um... nice" i tried tofind the right word... but failed miserably.

she simply smiled. i looked up, seeng a small blip falling out of the sky. "Fluts, did you see that?"

"see what?" she suddenly eeped as she saw the same blip getting closer.

i took off, she lagged behind. i found the blip coming closer and closer... like it was heading my direction.

and then it simply stopped infront of me. the blip grew larger, is shape became more defined.

it was a bag... "seriously? a freaking bag..." i deadpanned. it landed with a thud infront of me.

Fluttershy had caught up, watching me lift the bag with ease.

i pulled off a note which was stapled to the flap of the bag.

.. its me, G-O-D....sorry about pushing you through the door

i felt somewhat terrible so... i kinda gathered a few things and threw them in the bag, enjoy

the note then went on to state how to use it.

"i wonder..."

"what.. what is it ziggy?"

"mountian dew code red" sure enough

i reached my hand inside and pulled out a cold can of mountain dew.

repeating myself, i handed one over to fluttershy. "oh.. umm..thank you" she blushed.

she looked at the can, confused as to how to open it... "hang on" with a quick subtle pull, it was open.

she took a sip, and quickly took in the flavour of cherry, she glanced over to me. i was currently on my third swig.

"how can you...um... drink this stuff?"

"quite easily" i grinned as i finished the can and dumped it into the bag.

"so, ummm...Ziggy... what did you do on earth?"

"i was stuck in a stuffy office block for .... 9 hours a day" i sighed. "least i had the weekends off" i smiled.

"oh..."

we contiued the walk at a slow pace, simply talking about different things. "hmmm"

"what is it it fluts?"

she stopped to think for a moment. "how come your not...um...freaking about all this?"

i stopped, suddenly trying to find an answer. "i think i'll settle on the answer as.... i have no idea!" i chuckled.

with the initial thought out of the way, we came to her house.

"okay... nice was an understatement" I chuckled. she giggled at this.

the bunny opened the door and shot her an accusing look.

"hey angel... this is Ziggy, he's going to be staying here for the night okay?"

the bunny gave me a fierce stare and made the movements of 'I'm watching you'.

"listen, lil' buddy... its only one night, and then i'm somewhere else" i told him, he seemed to like the idea.

"i'll sleep on the couch okay fluts?"

"what? y-you'll do no such" i already raised my hand to stop her.

"it's whats right, and besides... Angel would probably get the wrong idea" i commented. watching a blush creep across her face. she let aout a small squeak and muttered somehting under her breath.

"what? really?" she suddenly squeaked, looking at me... she blushed furiusly before fainting.

i scooped her up and placed her on her bed, then simply walked down stairs and

i pulled an ipod out of my pocket, flicking through the different playlists... finally deciding on Hell raiser by motorhead.

the song played out...and i fell asleep.

however, sleep was not on my side. there was a bright flash, and i was again in a pure white void.

"hey Morgan," the white form took shape. "thanks for the stuff"

"here you go" He handed a guitar case to me, and sent me back in a daze.

suddenly his voice echoed in my head. "least you can sleep now"

Like a ton of bricks

life is just a dream thats never ending.

the sunlight slowly crept its way into my eyes, the ipod was now blasting some smooth jazz.

taking a brief sniff i could smell the moisture in the air slowly escaping from the bathroom.

"must be Fluts having a shower, may aswell cook breakfast" i smiled to myself.

looking into her fridge, i found the ingrediants needed... well apart from the flour.

"flour" i whispered to the bag. sure enough, i was gifted with a bag of flour.

measuring up the ingrediants, i simply listened to a song of epic proportions. i chuckled as the song simply woke me up more.

godamn it... Richard Cheese, you always crack me up"

Fluttershy had already gottne dressed, and simply listened to me singing along.

i looked around, noticing she had her eyes closed. i placed a plate full of pancakes in front of her, with some cutlery.

"wha... oh my, you didnt have to" she flustered.

"nonsense," i smiled "it was... the least i could do"

she tooka bite, and her face lit up. "oh my, these are delicious"

i chuckled. "the only thing i know how to make from scratch... next to cupcakes, muffins and pasta" i grinned.

she looked at me for a moment, as if a picture had popped into her head, maybe of me cooking for her everynight.

i then watched as she blushed furiosly and shook her head violently for a moment. "heh, i won't ask" i chuckled.

after finishing the meal, i got the supplies i needed from the bag of holding.

having a shower, i suddenly realized all the connotations of what had happened.

i was dead, brought back to life, pushed out of a door, skydived... and now i have a magic satchel granting me access to hammerspace. confusing is not the word for it.

all of these facts seemed to just add to the.... bizarre reality.

i was currently using a shower in Fluttershy's house... trying to figure out what the bloody hell i'm doing here.

i had finished my shower.

the magic satchel seemed to know just what i needed.

pulling out the clothing, i simply sat there humming a bizarre song.

finally walking out, fully clothed and ready to finally take on the day, i smiled.

she giggled, pointing to my head. i raised a hand, but quickly felt two distinct bunny ears and a cotton tail.

"Angel you cheeky git," i huffed, "get off" i poked him. he grumbled and kicked me in the face as he jumped off.

i watched as Fluttershy scloded the little brat. it was actually quite interesting to watch a rabbit react the way he does.

as we walked through town, i couldn't help but feel watched, as if i was being scrutinised under a microscope. The strange thing was, i was right. No sooner had we passed sugarcube corner, i head a throat clearing. "Mr Blues? could i speak with you for a moment?" i turned around to look at the voice. a familiar voice. "ah.... do i know you?" i asked.

"well... possibly, maybe, who knows, I'm confused myself" the young man answered. he had a glint in his eye which screamed I know something you don't know . i looked the young man up and down. his scruffy, short brown hair, and his bizarre taste in ties. It was at that point i noticed it, a small glint of blue shimmering slightly in the light. he could see the lightbulb go off in my head. "ah... i suppose you're going to go find Ditzy before she kills you Doc?" i chuckled as his jaw hit the floor.

"what...how did?... have we met before?"

i tapped my nose in a small manner. "well, think of the multi-verse theorem Doc, in some worlds you exist as a ... form of entertainment, fighting those who threaten the very fabric of time and space in a blue box, your little transmogriphication circuit is buggered beyond repair, and you can change your whole being upon death,"

the Doctor looked at me, flabbergasted. "what now?"

"our little secret" i smiled, going through the motions of the patented Pinkie Promise(tm). The Doctor accepted this.

"Ditzy might be getting impatient" i chuckled.

i watched as Doc simply panicked and sped off.

i walked back to where Fluttershy was waiting. she gave me her small smile, like she usually does. "so, you've met Doctor Whooves before?" she asked. I simply shook my head.

"trust me on this when I say wibbly wobbly timey wimey" i chuckled.