“You would die for me, I know that. But I want to know, if you would live for me?”
That was an odd one. Question, she meant. It was an odd question, though the pony asking it was plenty odd. Not that ‘Nix had ever minded that; it made her recognizable, no matter what happened.
But that question really bothered her for some reason. She didn’t think it was showing; her face was always rather blank, from what other ponies told her. That was good. This sounded like the sort of question one should be able to answer without hesitation. She had probably blown that chance, but there was still time. Maybe.
‘Nix had a problem, though. She didn’t even know what the question meant. Cobalt had asked it while they were away from their other friends, so it was a special question between the two of them. She had asked it while they were away from any other ponies, so it was a private sort of question.
And she had asked it while they were wandering around the blasted snow fields surrounding the Crystal Empire. That meant she really wanted this to mean something to ‘Nix. Otherwise she had dragged her out here just to be cruel, and that didn’t sound like Cobalt at all. She hoped. Her memory was a little touch and go sometimes, but that idea sounded wrong.
The question wasn’t wrong, though. ‘Nix would die for Cobalt, for any of their friends. She had done so a few times, a dozen perhaps, give or take a few. Counting her deaths caused her heart to seize up on itself and hide somewhere behind her throat.
And, admittedly, she hadn’t needed to die for some of those situations. Most. All of them, if she was being brutally honest and had been clever enough to find the alternate paths. But that wasn’t her job, somepony else did it much better than her.
She couldn’t remember his name though. That made her back itch with a little shame.
But Cobalt was asking her to live. Well, it’s not like ‘Nix was fond of dying. It felt like she was being drained of every thought and feeling and memory before having it all rudely stuffed back into her in a maddening mish mash. She always felt tired and broken and cranky afterwards.
It was just another, slightly more drastic, way to solve a problem, really. Stuck in a cave with a hungry Manticore? Throw herself at it, distract it from her friends, and then scare it off with her rather violent rebirth; flames were useful, sometimes. Somepony is about to fall a disturbingly long fall? Catch them, pop back a few seconds later minus one broken spine.
Dying was a great back up plan, she thought. So why was Cobalt asking her to not do it? Phoenix could just rise from the ashes of her death, just like her namesake, and everything would be fine and dandy again. Sure her friends got a little upset sometimes, and then they yelled at her for scaring them again, but it was alright. She would just keep coming back, right as rain.
For ever and ever more, until the days ended.
‘Nix realized that hoarfrost had grown over her cheeks, and she wondered when she had gotten water on them. Cobalt was in front of her. They had stopped moving, and the place they were was familiar in a deeply frightening way. Her friend looked concerned and sad, and ‘Nix felt a little coil of anxiety in her chest. That wouldn’t do, her friends should be happy. She could be sad for all of them; they had so little time to waste on being sad.
This was the sight of her first death, after all, she remembered. ‘Nix had plenty enough excuse to be sad for them both right now.
Her first death had been the closest thing to true death she had ever experienced. She thought it was. She had been confused and terrified and ignorant of her gift, and being smothered by snow was not a pleasant memory. The only thought that had been in her mind was that she would die and be dead and never alive ever again.
That was a thought ‘Nix took great care to avoid now a days.
Her third death had been almost as bad, but that was because it took a day or two to wrap itself up.
The hoarfrost on her face was prickling at her skin, and she couldn’t see quite right anymore, and Cobalt was hugging her. That was alright. Cobalt hugs made her feel sort of light and feathery.
She had had wings, before she forgot how to grow them. Great wings of fire that made her look like the creature she had, somehow, been forged from. Ponies had looked at her and named her Phoenix. Then she died a few times, and the wings faded somewhere into the mess.
Wrapping herself in her own wings on cold nights and basking in their warmth was a lot like Cobalt hugs.
The question, though. The one she hadn’t answered in quite awhile now. The time limit was probably nearing it’s end. Focus, ‘Nix, focus.
Did Cobalt mean she didn’t want ‘Nix to die anymore? She guessed she could do that. Accidents happen, though, and she wasn’t as cautious as ponies were. It was likely she would absent mindedly walk off a cliff one day or another. Would Cobalt be upset at her, for that?
And some part of her didn’t like the idea of not dying. That made her feel like she was being trapped in a cage she couldn’t escape from. Dying was easy, she had never really tried her hoof at living. Living meant…
What did it mean?
‘Nix wasn’t sure. But Cobalt was really sad now, and hoarfrost was on her cheeks too. She was nodding, and saying “It’s okay, I’m sorry I took you out here. I just wanted to be sure your answer would be honest. I’m sorry I asked.”
She sounded sorry, too. Not sorry that she had upset ‘Nix, not that she ever could, not that it mattered if she had. But sorry that she had given voice to the question, had ever opened that particular door in the first place.
‘Nix didn’t like where this was going. She could see in her mind how the rest of her time with Cobalt would be tainted by this one question she had asked in the middle of the snow fields. Cobalt would be sad, and wouldn’t look her in the eyes anymore. There wouldn’t be anymore Cobalt hugs, or secret winks, or hot chocolate in the unicorns little bakery after a long night.
It might spread to her other friends, too, like a sad plague. But ‘Nix didn’t want Cobalt especially to feel like that. Very deep inside her under all the chaos of her deaths she wailed at the thought.
Oh. She might have wailed aloud, actually, judging by the start Cobalt gave and the worried look she gave over one shoulder.
Cobalt was leaving.
That was when ‘Nix knew what living would mean. It would mean she might have to be responsible for a few more things than normal, and might have to learn how proper ponies acted. She might even have to take care of herself. And it meant Cobalt would be happy, or happier, or at least not sad like this.
“Alright,” Phoenix said, slow and meaningful. Cobalt had to know she meant this. “I’ll live, but… I don’t really know how.” And then her little fear got loose, and she began to babble. “But I might trip one day, or eat some spoiled hay, or forget to eat for awhile, or walk off a cliff, or-”
And Cobalt pressed her hoof against ‘Nix’s mouth, and the once-pegasus's eyes crossed. Their coats were a startling contrast, the blue of ocean depths against the burning orange of fire. It looked nice.
“Don’t worry, I’ll be there to help. And so will our friends.”
The smile Cobalt had then was worth all the oily fear in 'Nix’s stomach.