"Ughh..." You awaken with a rhythmic throbbing feeling pounding the inside of your skull. You force your eyes open, attempting to withstand the brilliant light of Celestia's sun accompanied by what seemed to you like a mass of mixed colours.

You remember why you're here, "I smashed into a tree."

'Do you remember why you smashed into a tree?'

"Because... I saw Granny Smith and Applebloom."

'And you were scared because...?'

"Because..." You mutter out loud before screaming, "THEY'RE GONNA RAPE ME!"

You have known Granny Smith for as long as you can remember, she even helped you out of a jam involving a money one time and has always been there for you. To you, she's the sweetest old lady that ever lived, but for some reason, the image of the stout old lady's bare wrinkly body jiggling around as it bounced up and down on your pelvis didn't sit well at all.

The voice of the lady in your sick little 'fantasy' drifted into your ears, "Nobody is gonna rape yer."

"Huh?"

Your eyes finally refocus, allowing you to see the two Apples clearly, the older one covering the younger's ears, "Now you'd better explain what yer doin' on my farm before I go grab Big Mac and tell 'im to bring Lil' Mac."

"Little Mac?" You gulp, "Who's that?"

The old lady cackled, "She's Big Mac's twelve gauge, double barrel baby, she is."

"I think we've been acquainted." To avoid the reunion between you and she shotgun dubbed, 'Lil' Mac,' you explain what's happening in the most dignified way possible, "Spike and I are only here because the town is full of cock-hungry sluts and we are out looking for game to hunt." Looking around, you ask, "...speaking of Spike, where is he?"

"Up here." You look up to see Spike laying comfortably on the branch of a tree, "And thank you for finally noticing."

"Yeah, whatever." You say, waving him off and turning back to Granny Smith and Applebloom, "Anyways, as thankful as I am for this, I must ask; why aren't you and Applebloom, you know... acting like the rest of the females?"

Granny Smith laughed again, "Sonny, I hit menopause years ago an' Applebloom here ain't of age yet so yer have nothing to fear from us."

Finally, it was Applebloom's turn to speak, "S'cuse me mister, what's rape?"

"Umm..." The voice in your head laughed, 'Real smooth, dunbass'

"Shut up brain, you cant even spell."

'Wha- dunbass? ...dammit.'

"Yeah, got nothing to say on that, don't yo-"

'Hey idiot,' a demanding voice lapsed over yours, 'little girl asking about rape here, what are you going to do about that?'

"Wha...? Oh, right!"

The voice of the decrepit granny knocked you out of brain-talk mode, "Well tell us then, what's rape? Me and Applebloom 'ere want to know."

"Uhh..." You could have told her at this point that 'rape is simply sex without consent' but that would require an extra explanation or two, so naturally, you did what you thought was easiest; brush her off, "Applebloom, im sure you could go and ask Big Mac what rape is. I think he's in the barn."

"Okay, thanks mister." And with that, Applebloom happily and unknowingly trudged away.

"Hey Applebloom, by the way," You call out to her, "Only let Big Mac tell you what rape is, dont let him show you." Applebloom shouted something in reply but her tiny voice wasn't clear enough. You eyes turn to Granny Smith whose hand was flying at a blinding speed, followed by a painful *slap* leaving a red imprint of a hand across your face.

"I guess I deserved that." You say, tenderly rubbing your face.

The brain voice started up again in a laugh, 'Oi, you forgot to tell her that Big Mac's probably going to be tying up a naked Applejack who has a soaking wet vagina.'

You pinch the bridge of your nose, "For the love of Celestia or whatever God out there, SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP!"

Spike said from his position in the tree, "Uh... you okay? Just thought you should know that nobody's talking." His voice was obviously troubled.

"What?" Realising that you had just said that out loud, you decide to make a new subject. "Hey, Granny Smith, what's it like to be part of the whored?" You say but Spikes sceptical gaze remains true.

She laughed in response, "I was never part of that, I went hunting solo and boy did I grab a haul." Her jolly voice turned serious, "There is a good reason for that too; when I roamed, I could hear every leaf rustling and every breath taken from here to town hall, I could smell the musky scent of man sweat from even longer, I could spy every apple in the entire orchard if I wanted to."

"Soo..." Spike queried from his tree-seat, "What you saying is that they are some kind of super human sluts?"

Granny Smiths voice bounced back to its normal self, "Yup, somethin' like that."

You sigh, "Great, what's next, vampirates?"

She sniffed the air, "Vampirates or no, I dont need to be super human to smell you two, come back to the homestead and wash up."

Back at the Apple residence, after you and Spike had taken a bath (not together you silly billy :p) join the Granny Smith, on the porch talking business, "Right boys, this may seem a little rude but the two of you still stink." She paused for a moment before muttering, "Mus' be their clothes or sommin'."

Spike queried, "What about our clothes?"

"Honestly," Granny's voice piped up, "they smell like shit. There anywhere you might be able to get some new clothes? I'm sure Big Mac would help yer out but they're probably ten sizes bigger or sommin' like that."

"Well," You decide to join the conversation, "my house is off limits, it's in the middle of town so we would literally be fucked before me made it." The others nodded in affirmation, "We cant get your clothes from the library or Twilight will... pounce."

Spike scoffed, "Yeah, your point?"

You continue, "What we need is a place that we know has plenty of changes of clothes and is slightly out of the way of town."

Mr. Brain added, 'Wait for it, here's the kicker.'

You watch as a wave of excitement washed over Spikes face as he pumped his fists into the air, "RARITIES!" As Spikes joy grew, your distate for the idea followed, "No..."

Spike spat back through is clenched teeth, "What!?"

"You heard me, no." You sigh at the look of hate now directed at you, "Look, Rarity has probably heard about us by now, who'se to say that she isn't draping herself over the couch in some sexy, see-through lingerie waiting for us."

'Are you trying to make him go?'

"I admit its not my greatest argument."

"Listen," You explain, "as soon as you see her, i'm not sure you have enough restraint to not... 'go get some'. What we've been through would have been for nothing, and worst of all, if I lose you then I break my promise to Twilight."

Spikes face softened, "Promise to Twilight? To keep me safe?" He dropped his eyes to the floor and grumbled, "Fine, we'll think of somewhere else."

"Hate breakin' promises 'eyyy?" Granny Smith chimed in with a sly smile on her face, "...might tell AJ 'bout you."

Disregarding Granny Smith's attempted match making session, you stick to the task at hand, "Spike, help me think of where else we can go."

"Yeah, yeah, i'm thinking."

After a whole hour of both Spike and yourself brainstorming whilst drinking cup after cup of apple flavoured tea served to you by Granny Smith, you could think of nothing. Sighing in defeat, you groan, "Fucking awesome. Looks like we're off to Rarities."

A wrinkly hand lightly grasped a shoulder on you and your companion, "Well boys, I think it best you be off. I know I should rally the troops for a proper send off but Big Mac and Applejack are... occupied and Applebloom is... somewhere... maybe."

"Thanks for everything Granny Smith." You cheerfully wave as you make you begin the journey down the dirt pass. "Yeah, thanks old lady." Spike said casually with a half hearted wave.

The stout lady shouted back, "Who you callin' old?"

On the outskirts of Ponyville, your eyes turn to Spike who was showing no attempt to hide his excitement, "Well won't this be interesting."

Author's Note

Im just going to not start out by saying that this took a while again, but I dont care about time that much. It was a pretty short chapter but I enjoyed writing it, was feeling overly bored the last two days and this has been my entertainment.

Also, I finally got around to fixin that damn Anthro tag (really, does it matter that much???).

I won't post the next chapter until I fix up the previous one because to be honest, I hate the way it played out.

Sorry for any (many) grammar mistakes, didn't go over it that many times.
Merry Post-Christmas
Happy New Year
As always, please comment

P.S. Sorry if I mind-fucked anyone with that image of Granny Smith at the start of the chapter.