Reviews

Link: Repair and Deliver by Sleepless Scribe.

Hi there! I'm Golden Vision, and welcome to your WRITE review. Let's get started, shall we?

So the first thing that I notice is that you've chosen to go with a first person PoV, which is—to quote your opening sentence—interesting, to say the least. It's not a stylistic choice often chosen in this particular genre, so we'll see how well that works out for you.

As I read on, I'm having a bit of trouble deciding whether I like your intro or not. It seems a bit info-dumpy, as in:

Ah, I had the best sister an earth pony could ask for. It was no surprise that she’d rather go to college than follow dad’s life path, but neither of us could even ask a unicorn to do the work we did. We found it strange that mom wanted to help from time to time, but when we heard that Violet wanted to pursue some higher education, we were all pushing for her to do it.

I, however, was content with working for my dad’s workshop.

There's a lot of "OC background information" here, and not much "plot hook." Now, not ever story needs to start in media res—that is, with a full action scene or some such—but there does need to be something to draw the reader. For a more slowly-paced story such as yours, the key to drawing in a reader is voice: more specifically, narrative voice. Especially in a first-person story, the tone of your narrator can be the most important draw of a reader. Witness, for example, the young adult series Percy Jackson and the Olmypians, or the popular urban fantasy The Dresden Files. Both have very strong-voiced, colorful, and above all, interesting narrators. We hand on their every word; we are entertained by how the tell the story as much as we are by what the story is actually about.

I'm not saying that this story needs a snarky, pop-culture referencing protagonist, of course. Right now, however, this OC seems very generic. Nothing about him really stands out. In fact, constant references to his sister, his mom, his job, etc, make it seem more that he's an adolescent or teen on Earth, rather than an MLP OC in his own right. I don't want to make any assumptions, but from my experience, Torque seems to be rather reminiscent of the average fanfiction author, which is one danger of writing in first-person. Third person provides a necessary amount of distance from your PoV character, while first person introduces a major risk of giving your own voice to the character, which may well not be in the story's best interests. Let's take a look at how we might reframe this character's narrative.

Perhaps he's a gruff, take-no-nonsense Manehattenite. I know that this likely isn't what you're going for, but let's make it an experiment:

Morning in Vanhoover. Sun was shining, taxi carts were rattling, and some couple was hollering at each other from the next door down. Of course, it hadn't been my alarm clock that had woken me up—the damn thing could never decide whether it wanted to go off on time or not. Still, as I shoved my sheets off the bed and plopped my hooves on the floor, I mentally thanked Mr. and Mrs. Loudmouth for the wake-up call. I might not care what domestic dispute they'd gotten into this time, but the early wakeup meant that I'd have more time to get ready. Maybe I'd get into the shop before it actually opened for once.

Give us a voice that stands out. Make Torque someone who we want to hear from. First person is hard, and it can be difficult to make interesting a character who, say, still lives with or near his parents. There's a natural trap there.

That leads into the next point rather nicely, which is that Torque's entire situation really isn't the best for the story at hand. Why put him with his family? Why not, say, give him his own place, with his own group of coworkers? I may seem to be nattering on about this, and heck—it may be subjective—but I can't help but shake the feeling that having "mom," "dad," and "his sister" so ever-present in the beginning just cheapens our ability to connect with your main character. He's supposed to be an adult, after all, and especially if this is a romance story, we want to be able to deal with him on his own terms. If you start things off with his family, we can't help but see him as a child—and again, with FimFic's likely demographic, as a possible self-insert. Young-adult male living with his family and shipped with a fan-favorite character? Check.

But let's move on to more mechanical/content stuff. I've blathered on here about this enough.

I'd just like to touch upon the infodump issue again, just briefly. Constantly referencing things like,

Every time I saw my father Ratchet I remembered the day I got this wrench and screwdriver stamped on my flank.

I know you’ve been wanting to leave Vanhoover and do some exploring for a long while,

a little personal workshop to design, build, and test my various ideas

Besides, how can I not use a gift from my sister? This was the first ever Hearthswarming gift she ever got me with her own money, remember?”

It was actually really flattering that my dad thought me the best pony for this job.

Let's talk about that last point for a moment. This is an example of mental/emotional telling—that is, pointing out certain thoughts or beliefs to the reader rather than implying them, either through narrative or external dialogue and/or action. The key is to know when to supply explicit or implicit detail—always ask yourself, "Do I need to state this outright?" Often, you won't. Here, for example, this doesn't really add much, as we can probably infer Torque's presumed flattery without much outside help.

Returning to the problem of infodumps (extraneous exposition, you might call it), the reason why it's often a bad idea is that it can come across as either an "As You Know" (when done through dialogue between two characters who would presumably have little reason to mention it directly) or as a little sticky note that the author is leaving up that may or may not be important. Will it, at some point, be important that his sister gave him that hat? Will it, at some point down the line, be important that he has his little workshops, or is it merely needless detail?

In some cases, this can be a situational problem similar to some Show, Don't Tell issues. When she mentions "designs you've been working on," we can reasonably assume that it's some kind of mechanical blueprint or technical piece. If he must bemoan setting up shop all over again, then let him do it in Ponyville, once it's actually an applicable situation.

Quick aside: Tall Tale is a really weird name for a city or town. Perhaps another word would work better?

Let's talk plot for a moment. I apologize, by the way, if this review seems a bit jumpy—I'm going through this story page by page and noting my thoughts as we go along. Earlier, I mentioned the concept of a hook, wherein you want something to draw the reader in. An interesting narrative voice is certainly desirable, but at some point, you really do need to set the plot in motion. The synopsis promised the reader "OC meets Dinky and is shipped with Derpy." While I'm an avid Doctor Whooves x Derpy shipper, and thus this OC is anathema to my religious beliefs, I'm still willing to see where you take this. The main problem, though, is that this story has yet to get to the point.

We open in the protagonist's—home? Apartment?—and from there, we go to his workshop. Here, we're treated to a brief period of time in which we meet his family (coworkers, in a revised version), following which we go with him on his journey to a new home. There are a few problems here:

1.) Pacing: It's okay if you're going for a slower opening. What's not okay, however, is that we've barely had any time to settle ourselves into the universe you're trying to build before the status quo shifts, and we find ourselves on a train going…someplace else entirely. There's no chance for the reader to evaluate the story—to really settle into the characters and setting—before Repair and Deliver picks them up and plops them somewhere else.

Very little happens in Tall Tale, and in fact, most of the beginning is just a description of Torque's travels without giving any real weight or meaning to the journey. You'd be better off either just skipping the train ride and overall trip, or—even better—just starting with his arrival at the garage.

2.) Characterization: This story so far—based on synopsis and hook—seems to resemble a rom-com. This is a perfectly legitimate genre to write; however, something vital that's missing is a spark to the main character. Let's take a look at my favorite romantic comedy of all time: You've Got Mail, with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan (It may be the only rom-com that I know, but that's of little consequence).

In the very beginning of the film, we're introduced to our major protagonist: Kathleen Kelly (played by Meg Ryans). The opening sequence is something very similar to what you have here: New York waking up, the urban streets stirring to life alongside a stirring rendition of "Dreams" by The Cranberries. Within the first five minutes, we have a clear picture of who Meg is: she's the owner of a small bookshop ("The Shop Around the Corner") who likes kids, her boyfriend—a traditionalist critic and occasional conspiracy theorist—and the little things in life. We soon learn that she loves her coworkers, and is a bit afraid of the megachain "Fox Books" opening up down the street. Bam. We've got character, motive, conflict, and a clear personality.

In the fic thus far, in contrast, what we know of Torque is that he…likes his family? He also likes working with machines and things. Where's the inner conflict? Where's he coming from? What are the essential details that we know about his background, rather than the filler, generic ones such as his college-bound sister and her Christmas hats? Note that this is an issue separate from narrative voice, but certainly no less important. We need a character that we can truly believe in before you direct us to a relationship that you'd like us to believe in.

I'd just like to make a quick note here of something that you are, in fact, doing right—quite well, in fact—just so that you don't feel as though you're drowning in a sea of criticisms. Your diction is crisp, your dialogue legible, and your style, while not elegant, certainly readable if not enjoyable.

Moving along, Sparkplug's introduction feels more than a bit rushed. We get something of an idea of her character, but it feels crammed in. While it's clear what the paragraph is intending to do, the overall effect falls flat. Try looking at it from a more organic angle—give them a conversation, a dialogue, even if Torque doesn't speak a single word. Maybe Sparkplug's got a short temper and an even shorter attention span; that's fine. In that case, maybe she demands to know why he's lurking around, he tries to introduce himself, she cuts him off, and goes on her little shpiel.

Just a note, but the whole point about the project/school/etc feels forced in there. Just keep this part simple—i.e., comprising mainly introductions and, if you really feel it'd be in her character, Sparkplug giving Torque a tough time—and leave the career exposition for later, when he's actually gotten the chance to catch his breath and begun to get settled.

Some may have called Sparkplug mean, but I think she was just stressed out by having to put a job on hold. The question popped into my head as to why she wasn’t out doing work, but then I remembered that somepony had to be at the shop at all times, both to take requests for outside repairs and to help with walk-ins.

The school wasn’t too far away, and I seemed to have come at a pretty decent time. All the little ones were seated at tables in the back of the classroom eating lunch. When I came in, I was approached by a pretty purple mare sporting a two tone mane of different pinks.

This section sports two separate problems. The first paragraph comprises, as you may remember from earlier, a rather bad case of Show, Don't Tell. Especially given Torque's apparent familiarity with the workshop and those who populate it—he's no newbie or apprentice or even drifter—he should be able to get that much across through dialogue with either Sparkplug or another character.

The second paragraph has its own issue, but it mainly arises through omission. Namely, the fact that the story skips over Sparkplug so quickly without even giving her a chance to settle herself into the narrative makes her appearance seem to be a non sequitur—that is, without meaning or impact. Almost a cameo, even. The biggest cause, really, is that she seems to be either giving a job to a total stranger, or meeting someone familiar and then ignoring them completely. You can't have it both ways—if she knows him, or gets to know him, she'll give him the job (i.e., she was expecting him). If she doesn't know him, she'll ignore him, he might ask around and/or follow her to the job and then offer his services as a way to implicitly reveal his identity, rather than explicitly.

Moving into the schoolhouse scene, I'm starting to see a fairly regular issue in this story: setting the scene. Or rather, the lack of it. The story jumps from one idea to another—I'm reading this as an epub, and in the space of under ten pages, I've gone from Torque's house, to his workshop, to Tall Tale, to Ponyville, to the garage, and now to the schoolhouse. It's all over the place, and there's never a moment where the reader can actually settle into the scene. Furthermore, it can cause the narrative to suffer. For example:

When I came in, I was approached by a pretty purple mare sporting a two tone mane of different pinks.

“Oh, thank goodness you’re here! I’m sorry to bother you, but I just can’t seem to get this new projector of mine to work. My old one stopped working a few days ago, and my lesson plan for this week more or less requires me to incorporate it.”

Because this transition is so abridged, the reader is left with quite a few questions. For example, who else is in the schoolhouse? How does Cheerilee know who Torque is, especially if she's never met or seen him before? Much of this story thus far seems far too reminiscent of the oft-bemoaned "Hollywood phone call," in which nobody thinks to say, "Hello," "Who is this?" or "How are you?" when picking up the phone, instead immediately asking "Where's the gun?" without regard for whether the person on the other line is their fellow agent, their girlfriend, or a poor telemarketer from New Delhi. Because of this, each development in scene or plot seems to come off as forced, or a plot convenience. It feels more like an author struggling to tell a story than as a story unfolding itself before a reader: One is forced and the other not. Each scene thus far needs a clear delineation and transition, both with respect to its surrounding scenes and within itself. For goodness sake—it's been at least a day in in-story time, and there hasn't been a single line break. If that's not telling, then I don't know what is.

Hm. I can't help but wonder why Cheerilee is being so open about her students' problems with this stranger she's just met. Even if the reader is able to accept that such a transaction of exposition is likely to take place, Dinky's introduction alone is sure to raise some eyebrows. "Small [and] pale," she "[taps] her teacher's leg, her brows turned up in a sad gaze." She stammers, she trails off—she resembles some kind of Dickensonian orphan! While that may be applicable elsewhere, in here, it comes off as more "forced feels." Her introduction borders on a giant, neon sign telling us: This filly is important! Also, she is sad, and also poor and/or bullied! Be sad about it! It feels blunt where it needs to be subtle; it's overt, clumsy, where it should instead feel natural.

I'd like to point out that Torque still feels like—if I had to coin a name for it—Generic Video Game Protagonist #134. We've gotten nothing more out of him from his interactions with either Sparkplug or Cheerilee; he's bland, and doesn't appear to actually want, dislike, or desire anything. He needs that depth—that complexity—if you want him to be an enjoyable character, let alone half of a (necessarily) much more complex relationship.

Moving further into the scene…yup, Dinky pretty much opens up to Torque at the drop of a hat. In real life, kids don't open up that easily. At the very least, you need to give them a juice box or a ball; for a clearly less-trusting one like Dinky (bullying would certainly not give her an incentive to trust adults), quite a bit more would be needed. The fact that Torque seems to come on as a stereotypical "white knight" does not help his case either. See:

“Miss Cheerilee, I’m normally a pretty cheery guy, but if there’s one thing I don’t tolerate, it’s bullying. My sister, Violet Night, dealt with it a lot in school, and still deals with it in college. Every day I can help a victim of bullying is a day well spent.”

He's too perfect. Too "morally good," is one way to put it. We've seen nothing from this stallion but some kind of familial piety and a moral compass that's better than a schoolyard bully's. That's about it. I hate to keep harping on this, but where's the depth? The complexity? The self-insert vibes are coming on really strongly, and I'm sorry, but I can't help to just actually suspect that that's the case. Torque is a blank slate: a "Mr Nice Guy" OC who has an average life and does fun—even romantic—things with popular canon/background characters. Though he's not necessarily a full-on Mary Sue, he certainly suffers for want of any meaningful characterization.

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon aren't exactly the most believable characters here. Canonically, they get by through taunting and verbal abuse; it's not like them to descend to more "masculine" bullying tendencies such as stealing lunches (and physical bullying, though thankfully this story doesn't go that far).

In any case, he solves the issue…with a stern talking-to? I'm not sure whether it says more about Cheerilee's obvious incompetence (which is potentially quite insulting, both to her image and canon, due to her Cutie Mark being actually for being a teacher) or about Torque's ridiculous—and complete unexpected, given his own special talent—ability for child psychology and/or further White Knighting.

Much of this chapter, then, seems set up just so that we can see how Torque solves this moral problem and looks good doing it. The rest is just filler—put there as something to skim over while we get to the point, which is seeing that, "Oh, Torque is awesome at dealing with bullies, and isn't he just great with Dinky, too? This means that he'll be the perfect stallion for her mother!"

Just a note, but this story is missing something important: a driving conflict or narrative. [Slice of Life] is acceptable as a tag, but it's not an excuse to just have characters doing things for the sake of fluff. He needs a goal—a problem—something that makes him an active character rather than a passive one. SoL just means that the plot would be acceptable if modified into an episodic FiM format; it still requires a concrete narrative and plot. The lack of such only makes poor Torque an even blander protagonist: Without something to strive for, what is his purpose within the fic? For what reason are we reading about him?

I'm going to end the review here. If you'd like me to go further into the other five chapters, I'd be happy to do so, but given the extent and depth of the review so far, it'd be unlikely that I'd have as much to say that would actually help you (as what I've supplied so far recommends a fairly fundamental change, if not a complete rewrite).

Final Score: 3/10 Pinkies

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns about your review, feel free to PM me or to reply to this comment. I'd be happy to help you.

Happy writing!

Cheers,

Golden Vision

WRITE's Pocket Spycrab