Reviews

Link: Dystopian Circus by Pearple Prose

Hey, Prose. Ready for your review?

Let’s do this.

So. Dat coverart. I think it’s already given me a very good idea of what to expect with this, but let’s dig into the words themselves before I get specific.

To begin, I quite enjoy your first line. “Celestia sipped her wine and watched the world burn.” Clipped, catchy, and completely and utterly dissonant. I’ve just started, and I already feel like I know what you’re going for.

I would have liked you to give us more detail up-front, however. “A burning spider web” is a nice image, but I feel like I want more. “Enemy war machine” is one thing, yes, but what is it, actually? You’re giving us some good stuff, but I really want a more detailed picture.

As for Celestia’s character...I can really dig the “Broken Celestia” trope, but I feel as though it needs more justification. She’s bitter, yes, but why? How would Celestia, an effective mother figure for all of Equestria, come to be on her balcony, watching Her Little Ponies die as she sips Bordeaux? It feels out of character for her, and while it might turn out perfectly justified later on, it can’t help but feel dissonant here—and not in a good way. Bitterness is good. Hopelessness is good. You just need to give us a reason to justify why she’s feeling bitter instead of homicidal.

I don’t really think you need the italicized thoughts in this, by the way. They come across as stronger if you make them part of the narration itself, i.e.

There wasn’t much left in her now, she realized. A few more strikes like that would mean the end of her.

as opposed to

Not much left in me now, she thought. Only a few more strikes like that, and that’ll be the end for me.

Discord’s introduction looks pretty good—his vocabulary certainly works with his portrayed personality—but I still wish, as I did before, that you’d put more description into his physical introduction. It feels like the story just glosses over his appearance, taking for granted what it should otherwise treat as a fairly significant event. Discord’s presence, if I’m to read the synopsis correctly, seems to be a defining part of the story, and I can’t help but feel as though he needs more initial focus.

His development, on an emotional level, works, but it needs a bit more clarification. It’s not clear, upon first glance, whether he’s the cause of this destruction or whether another party is responsible, especially given his glee in pointing out his need for “chaos.” It’s soon cleared up, but that momentary confusion is something that ought be looked at.

”Sometimes, ‘doing the right thing’ isn’t the right thing to do at all.”

And here we go, further down the rabbit hole with this despair-filled Celestia. I could have expected this given her earlier depiction, but it makes her feel more OOC, rather than less. We, the readers, still have minimal justification for her decision to just give up. I’d expect this talk out of [url=], but certainly not out of the sovereign Princess of the Sun. Celestia has shown us in canon that she never gives up in the defense of her subjects—look to Royal Canterlot Wedding for evidence of this point of view. In viewing Celestia as a completely “broken bird”, the reader is asked to raise their suspension of disbelief to simply unreasonable letters, and so the characterization breaks down.

Given Discord’s apparent lack of sympathy, I’d assumed that this took place before Keep Calm and Flutter On. However, his mention of Fluttershy as a “friend”—as well as his presence in the first place—shakes this perspective to the point where we’re forced to consider that this is indeed a post-redemption Discord. With that said, however, it may just be an interference of personal headcanon, but I can’t help but feel as though he’s being too cold, too outwardly unsympathetic. Too smug, perhaps.

Then again…

Reading on, I find myself coming around to understand this portrayal of Discord. The line:

”Make no mistake; we may no longer be enemies, Celestia, but I exist only for me, myself, and I.”

makes it quite clear, and it’s hard to retain that same dislike for his characterization. I’ll leave my previous reaction just in case you decide that you’d prefer to soften the introduction to his character, but I’ll say outright that I could reasonably see myself accepting a colder, more self-absorbed Discord. I find it more than somewhat odd that (presumably) years of friendship with Fluttershy would not have melted his chaotic heart, but I suppose that goes more toward author fiat than anything else.

Her ultimate decision to relinquish her power to Discord in exchange for humanity’s destruction is, while not unexpected, a bit...sudden. While it’s a perfectly reasonable way to resolve this impasse (note that it’s only “reasonable” if the reader has already accepted Celestia’s portrayal, which I have not), it needs more of a lead-up. More of a back-and-forth between Celestia and Discord as she lays out her options, her reasoning, before finally making that fateful choice.

I think that this, really, will solve two problems with one edit. By giving Celestia a chance to deliberate on her final choice, you not only make that resolution more believable, but also give her prior characterization more believable. A path of steadily dropped hints toward her motivations culminating in a final tract on her choices and reasons will give Celestia a position that readers can more fully understand. Empathy is both your tool and greatest enemy in this situation—this is a delicate arena, and you need to strike a balance between sympathy for Celestia’s decisions and horror at the rejection of her contract.

The best stories, fanfiction or no, cause us to question ourselves at a level deeper than most anything else. Dystopian Circus would be best served, I believe, by focusing more on Celestia’s internal conflict, rather than taking her ultimate choice for granted.

Moving on.

As a random note, I’m not sure whether I like or dislike the fact that you never revealed humanity’s motives for invasion. It might be enough for some to say, “Well, humanity invades things, so there,” but it’s not quite enough for me. There needs to be a reason, so whether it’s implicit throughout Celestia’s conversation or stated outright, it needs to be present in the story in some form. Human invasion is too much of a trope in ponyfic to be able to take it for granted.

It’s also unclear what the exact conditions and ramifications of Celestia’s trade with Discord are. What benefits, exactly, does breaking this contract bestow upon him? What could he not do before that he can now do? Was it merely a way to get him invested in Equestria’s defense, or was there a deeper, theological reason for it?

The ending also seems a bit...cut, I suppose. I feel like you could give it some more depth—really address the change in the status quo that comes with Discord’s presence. We see his giant form attacking the armies, but we don’t truly feel it. Try to invest more into that section so that we in turn become more invested. A callback to Celestia’s sacrifice—perhaps leading into some characterization on Discord’s part—couldn’t hurt either.

So that’s Dystopian Circus. What did I think of it?

It was a good idea, certainly, and reasonably well-executed. There was room for improvement, but I think that, on the whole, I rather enjoyed it. It was a nice, bite-sized piece of fiction that was rather easy to digest, and kept my interest throughout. If you put more work into developing your characters and backstory, I think you’ll have an excellent little oneshot on your hands.

Final Score: 6.5/10 Pinkies

Cheers,

Golden Vision